Silver is just your average run of the mill pony... Well, almost average... Getting locked up wasn't what he planned on doing with his life... Now sitting here in his cell he wonders what the world will be without him... Now a dark mare is forced into his care... Can he save her from herself or will she completely shut down from the world?
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First.
Insert meaningful shit about how you did a good job here.
Decent, but the the grammar is rather...sub-par.
It's not bad, but it's not good, either. You also have a tendency to ramble a bit, and the part at the end where you go over how the prison works is really nothing more than forced exposition at its best.
Perhaps you could have saved that bit for when he told Luna about it.
this one is diffrent but I am liking it please continue.
Me too. Can't wait to see where this is going. Don't be discouraged because your first two comments where negative,keep going!
I thumbed up by the way. GREAT STORY,GREAT PLOT. This story is greatness.
KK I gave this plenty of time. I have first comment now.
Good story.
Still liking the story keep going please!!! Luna's voice: come on one more chapter before bed
1177808 Nope one a day :3 Keep trying I love the support
Good chapter.
Good story, other then the few grammar errors there's nothing wrong. Can't wait for the next chapters.
An ass am I? Then I'ma go play tanks.
Should be: Silver wanted to laugh a little, but then stopped himself.
I'm not sure what you mean here, other than you might mean leap up, not loo up?
Not bad, didn't miss much, as far as I've seen.
I'm still not quite sure where exactly you're going with the story, but it's kept me intrigued.
1183696 Tanks... as in World of tanks?
1183832 NO World of Warcraft
1183832 No but serriously, yes. World of Tanks. I'm second in command of a Brony clan me and my BBBFF's (Bestest Best Brony Friends Forever) Johnson and Nightmare made/run. So if you wanna join a clan full of bronies, submit an application to The Lunar Rebellion [WOONA]. We only let bronies in, and since you are here reading fanfiction, you are a brony xD so I won't question you. Just put down that Phantom sent you and that Spike doesn't really have parents that we know about and even if I'm not the one adding you, you should get accepted. Also, my user name is ThePhantomAssassin [WOONA] Since I can never remember if I have the 'the' there or not, check the stats and look for Arty. If the top three are the GW Tiger, GW Panther, and then the Hummel, that's me. The GW Panther should also have 9 Top Guns.
1183850
okay.jpg
1183980
I'm good, i'm in Triple Entente [3E]. And i did a search for your player name and got no results for the NA server, so you must be on the SEA, EU, or RU servers. I'm playing on the NA one. At least i'm not the only one that i know on fimfiction who plays tanks. That, and i'm not the only one who ever refers to it as tanks. So much more sense to say that than 'wot' all the damn time...
1183980 Bitch I made it too... I just havent been on in a while
Us usual another great chapter I can sleep soundly tonight lol anyway looking forward to the next chapter!
Heck I might even join world of tanks play with you guys sounds like fun
1183832 All fixed up thanks :3
1184387
No probs. You asked, i tried to find some.
Edit - cannot believe i just missed that one so blatantly...
Liar has an a in it, not an e. I just feel stupid missing that one the first two times i looked as i scrolled through it.
1184426 -.(\ Wow I knew I messed that one up...
1184454
Nobody's perfect, and i'm partly blind as it seems...
Let silver live!!!! Ow and great chapter as allways!
1184387
Re-reading this just to refresh it in my mind for the next chapter, and this isn't quite fixed.
Laugh's 'u' and 'a' are still reversed.
1188886 Wow same line as that other one...
Oh jesus god, this is a big one. Word says nearly a page and a half (counting my spacing)...
First round of fixes for ya!
There was more than just depression she was caught up in. (the 'a' and 'u' in caught are reversed)
Silver woke to an empty bed as he expected. He couldn't put his hoof on it but it felt better if he woke up with her. (missing an n in the word on)
"Did I hear hesitation?" (wrong version of the phonetic 'here'. You were referencing the action, not a place)
Luna shuffled the blanket around her and Silver pulled his closer. (missing a 'p' in the word pulled)
Guards kept the flames going each rotating out every so often. (reversed 'u' and 'a' again)
"If it makes you any better you can have it... And we don't sleep together..." Luna's brow raised up as she stared at him curiously. (any has a reversed 'n' and 'a')
No gripes, this is just a beautiful paragraph. I has a feel from it. I have a feeling (not related to my previous sentence) 'stupider' isn't a word, but it fits so well, I can't think of anything to change it to…
Only time would decide his fate. (Decide has a 'c' not an 's')
Oh, and usually when the word 'but' is used in a sentence, the word before it is suffixed with a comma.
(Example: Not this, but that. Instead of: Not this but that.)
Edit - Bah, missed a [/ quote] tag... it threw off my formatting!
1188910
Actually, it's the exact same line as last night. The previous incarnation of the line had two "a"s in it.
whens the next one coming out
Bro. School mang. Me no likie school. Blow it awp for meh? Taking to much of mah timez.... Me wantz my times back so I can read! (And edit, cause dayum.)
1188978 Thanks for all the edits bro! I'm gonna send you the next chapter to edit... I have minor dislexia even with an IQ of 150... I'll have those fixed in a jiff!
Also on that paragraph, that was close to an actual quote I had with a sit down with one of my friends a few days prior... I didn't really want to change the content....
Also to everyone else,
The story is now on hiatus until I get some spare time...
Sorry,
-Dashie
NIce story, it looks like Sliver Watch is now starting to suffer from the burden of caring the depressed Luna. I find this interesting and can't wait to see more of how it develops, keep up the good work man
1195821
No worries. I'm honored to be chosen as an editor, really. Just remember, it's your story, i'm just offering advice on how to get rid of the minor little things that i see wrong with it is all. And about that 'stupider' comment i made, it just fits so well, that well, nothing comes to mind to improve it.
P.S. i've never been an editor before, if you can believe it.
1195867 You're right it's not a word but the way it's usage fits in everyday sentences makes it a word without actual recognition (pretty sure I misspelled that)
1195863 Glad you like it :3 I have the prewrite hiding around here in my stack of work and when I find it I'll get back on track but for now I have little notes and subliminal messages to keep me close to what I wrote five months ago
1195880
Now i'm going to sound just a bit stupid here, i forgot to watch you! Fix'd!
And, recognition was spelled right, by the way.
Wow, the prison system in Equestria really puts the human races system's to shame. Than again, they are ponies.
1214067 I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing...
1214551
Woot, nice chapter. Nice to see another obstacle on our hero here. It will be interesting to see what happens here on out. Keep up the good work man.
¿Donde esta mas capítulos?
Update on this story o: ?
1802790 Im working on it
CONGRATS ON THE UPDATE!!! Haven't read it but I'm sure that
i.imgur.com/tHw0b.gif
Ok man. Finally read it. Here. Hare a proofread...
(His bed?)
[quoteLuna gave him a small kiss making Silver's cheeks glow red from embarrassment making Luna bust out laughing making his cheeks deepen in color.Try this:Luna gave him a small kiss making Silver's cheeks glow red from embarrassment making Luna bust out laughing, which in turn made his cheeks deepen in color even more.
Fix a s. It's supposed to be as.
You know little dashie, you could've still contacted me, i'dve gone over this chapter too! Feel free to hit me up if you need something edited though. (I still remember doing the previous chapter, and i've since gotten better)
1837647 Yeah I just kinda threw it out there
Hmm, not bad as a filler chapter my man. I''ll be looking forward to more updates, keep up the good work man
Will you update this?
Will you update this anytime soon?