when lieutenant Leroy is sent down to a new planets surface on a recon mission he stumble across something that he certainly wasn't expecting
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 3rd Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 25th, 2018
SCOOTALOOxDAAWW
Hey, I used to write cringy fics on her a few years ago, but I'm back and am hopefully alot better at it!
SCOOTALOOxDAAWW
Joined 3rd Apr, 2012 ·
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Huh...
This must be like the fourth Halo/MLP fic this week.
Oh you!
...
So, this is a joke, right?
uhh... yeah...
This needs a lot of work. If you're serious about this that is. A lot!
418827
Fine. I'm not that good at this but I will try at least a little.
(He had been in that forest for little under five minutes before hearing a sharp squeal he rushed to the source and found a fallen tree but no creature he walked around for a bit, he was sure that the sound came from this area, he jumped as he almost tripped over something sticking out from under the log, after looking down at this ‘something’ he saw that it was a small yellow creature with pink hair, he jumped back as it looked up at him and whimpered quietly “please don’t hurt me” from the voice Leroy gathered that it must be a female and she was in pain. )
Need periods.
The "Please don't hurt me line need to be separated into its own line.
(“Yes I can talk now hold still while I try to lift this log off of you” being genetically enhanced and the augmentations in his suit made it all the more easy to lift the log, when the creature was free from the log he knelt down once more and said calmingly “here let me help you”, he put an armour plated armour around her midsection when he was hit by an unbelievable amount of force and was tackled to the floor he reached for his pistol but a strike to his hand knocked it away, however this didn’t phase the Spartan as he simply rolled over on top of his assailant, raised a hand and was about to strike the creature in the head when he heard the timid yellow creature say.)
Again separate Leroy's lines from the paragraph.
Periods needed badly.
Wording is confusing. Try reading some of this out loud.
Kinda telly with the whole genetically enhancement and augmentation thing mentioned.
Well that's what I can do, though it's probably not very helpful. But since I did bother reading it and commenting, I figure I should mention what you could do to make it better. At least what little I could.
in need of proof reader leave comment if you want the job
and thanks for the confidence boost guys you dont think that if you are going to find faults with it that you could at least let me know so i can fix them
418827
Erm, sorry. I honestly thought it was a parody or something.
I'm not going to even think about editing it, that would just take to much work. But keep trying, I suppose, and you're bound to get better.
418827
There are a lot of very basic mistakes and pointing them out in a comment would be rather tedious. (And I am by no means good enough to find them all)
If you are interested in getting better you should rework this story after reading Ezn's Guide. That one helped me a lot and should point you into the right direction. I would go as far as to say that guide is exactly what you need.
Obligatory LEROYYYYYY JENKINS!!!!!!!!
ts2.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4739608583144341&id=081af2e74a324e87ec48086b3d90eee6&url=http%3a%2f%2fstatic.fjcdn.com%2fpictures%2fLeroy%2bJenkins.%2bSaw%2bthis%2bon%2bthe%2binternet%2bD%2bWatch%2bwatch%2bv%2bLkCNJRfSZBU_881e37_3161276.jpg
I don't mean to put you you down but could you please research your armor before writing?
MJOLNER Mk. 3 would be the equivalent of a forklift with a cannon, with a stationary generator
in place of an engine.
Torn directly from: http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/MJOLNIR_Powered_Assault_Armor#Mark_I_Prototype_Exoskeleton
Mark III Prototype Exoskeleton
The next prototype, the Mark III, incorporated a wireless power transmitter and receiver so that power could be transmitted directly to it, much like the Orbital Defense Platforms used to defend UNSC colonies. This design was quickly rejected for two reasons: first the armor still had a limited operational range as it had to remain within range of a bulky, immobile generator, and second, if the generator was to be knocked out it would result in the incapacitation of the suit and leave its user locked inside and helpless against enemy attacks. In the end, all of the first three prototypes had one thing in common: They were impractical on the battlefield, as large exoskeleton units did not have a substantial use in any form of combat.
Now, I know that you had him as a Spartan III, but they don't wear that old outdated armor. That armor
is almost around the time before the initial contact at Harvest.
*The inner Halo Nerd has been awoken!*
Spartan 3's used SPI (Semi-Powered Infiltration armor)
Some were granted the use of lower grade MJOLNER Mk. 5
Here's a reference.
http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/SPARTAN-III_Program#SPI_Armor
This is just some background info, to prevent future complaints.
I apologize for sounding like a smart-ass.
img.ponibooru.org/_images/4105483f3d15d0a15539502c0c651c2b/162448%20-%20artist%3AChromadancer%20spike.png
Um your title says Haylo its .... Halo
Im not going to put you down but come on dude.
its ment to say haylo. you know because ponies eat hay!
a lot of run ons, but uhhhhhh alright so far.
To author Y U NO UPDATE!?
i havent had a lot of time on my hands
i like pudding
very good
however the brute kinda came out of nowhere and brutes usually come in small groups. i don't think a Spartan (super soldier) will just have a mental breakdown just like that.