The OverEmperor Rocks Hard - Part 2
The warm, shimmering light of the aurora above spilled through the long gallery of crystal windows lining one side of the otherwise dim corridor. The crystal lanterns perching upon the wall-mounted braziers sat dark, unlit, as if silently nagging me to restore our Empire's energy supply. The occasional pulse of light zig-zagged through the magical circuitry engraved into the crystal walls, suggesting some life was slowly returning to the Empire. I gave a little sigh of satisfaction as we quickened our pace down the long corridor. Or, perhaps more accurately, going by the lone footfalls upon the broad crystal tiles, I quickened my pace. My one other companion was still clasped tightly under my arm, hooves flailing in the air as their owner struggled to set herself free.
"You really can't keep your hands off, can you?" My burden muttered, blowing a puff of sunset-red hair out of her face.
"Keep my hands off what? These curves? Let's see..." I gave her belly an experimental squeeze, eliciting a squeak of surprise from the little pony, "...nope. I can't." I concluded confidently.
"I've got hooves for horseapples sake! I can walk! Can't you see? Or did I send your eyes to the wrong dimension?" She demanded, kicking out her legs for emphasis.
"One sec, let me check." I blinked my eyes a few times experimentally. "Hmm, nope. Still don't see a vista of boobalicious hot curves. Wrong one." I concluded once more with a sigh.
"Your brain's the wrong one! Let me go! Lemmegolemmegolemmegolemmego!" She whined. Again. "Let me go before I show your face just how many hooves I've got! 1000; that's how many!"
"You've also got a mouth. That much you've assured me of." I pointed out. "What will you do if I let you go?"
"Bite all of your nipples off." Sunset replied, simply
"Hmmm... persuasive, but I'm more into licking than biting," I said. "Try again."
"If you don't let me go, I'll snap your horn in half." Sunset Shimmer said. She almost sounded serious. "And tie tinker bells around it and use it to play pony darts!" Like I said, 'almost'.
Silence fell between us as I struggled to wrap my mind around what she said. "Hmmm, I shall add that to my list of unicorn kinks." I nodded, thoughtfully. "I remind you that I'm about as much a unicorn as a dancing pickle."
"I know you have a horn," Sunset asserted, stubbornly. "Crystal Heart assured me you have one. It's the source of your magic." Sunset said with a sudden air of smarmy smugness in her knowledge. "No need to play coy with me. I even know where you keep it hidden."
"Setting aside the fact that I'm about as magical as a chamber pot, this horn of mine's so well-hidden even I don't know it exists," I point out. Does Sunset actually believe I'm still in some way magical, even after my earlier performance with the inquisition? In fact do any of the other ponies believe that? Hmm, the fact that a good many of them showed open fear earlier, that just as good a number were so ready to pray to me, all of this suggested this was worth investigating. "So, where is this horn of mine?" I asked.
"There, inside the 'long and tight jeans' everypony's talking about." She pointed a hoof at my pants. "There's no hiding such powerful magic from the all-powerful me! I can smell it!"
"I was only joking about my last shower being 1000 years ago." I muttered, my thighs subconsciously closing together protectively about my crown jewels. "Now, if you do snap it off, it will rip itself free of the powerful seal that is my long and tight jeans. You will unleash it in all its unstoppable manly glory in an enclosed space with 1000 innocent females. What happens next I will leave to your imagination." I said. It seemed as good an attempt as any to dissuade her from snapping my wang off. It wasn't something I wanted to end today with. Or ever for that matter.
"Simple. I shall claim it as my own, endowing myself with your dark prowess," Sunset schemed out loud. My mind screamed 'But WHERE?!' and summoned up the most comically disturbing of images against my will.
But hey, supposing, just supposing, what if my 'horn' could really fire off unicorn magic? Just imagine, if with a single epic hip thrust I could unleash rainbow beams capable of flattening mountains and imprisoning ancient elder gods in the underworld...
Huh...
Y'know what, I really shouldn't let my mind wander like that. It might hurt itself. We're already trailblazing through the deep end but down that road true madness lies. When I screw Ass-Whose-Shot up royally, I don't want it to be literal. It'd make for a rather ridiculous epitaph.
Something occurred to me and being the bastard I was, I simply had to know. "Tell me, Sunset, do you even know where foals come from?" I asked as diplomatically as I could. It was certainly more diplomatic than 'Do you know what a wang is?'.
"Huh? Is that your best attempt at insulting my superior intellect?" She gave me a look of absolute disdain. "When a mommy pony and a daddy pony kiss, the foal fountain in the sky sends a foal pegasus down to them with their new foalie." She explained, matter-of-factly, all the while gloating over her superior intellect.
You know, considering the sprinkle-and-glitter world I was in, I might have been tempted to believe her. But there was fantasy, and there was absurd. This place is so densely steeped in innuendo that it has collapsed in on itself and turned into a black hole from which no shred of decency could escape. After all that you expect me to believe foals pop out of a magic diabetes fountain in the sky? "Uh huh, pull the other one, it's got tinker bells on. Next you're going to tell me pegasi living in a flying cloud city make all the weather." I rolled my eyes.
"Did you leave your brain in that coffin or something? Weather is ultimately the product of the sun's heat creating air pressure differences as well as vapourizing water. Even fillies know that." She snapped.
"I don't want to be told that by you especially." I muttered. From all the innuendo Crystal Heart and company had dropped so far I was quite certain sexual reproduction had caught on in this dimension. Sunset Shimmer probably skipped out on that bit of her foalhood education. Considering what happened to her, it wasn't all that implausible. Now, the question is, how should I break it to her?
Yeah, no, too much profit to be had he-... I mean, innocence must be protected at all costs!
"11 months..." Sunset sighed, "That's how long it will take for the foalie pegasus to make it here... though it might take longer considering we are much farther north." She seemed to be thinking out loud as she crossed her hooves, head hung in deep thought. "I'm naming it! It'll be Sunset Star if it's a filly, Sunflare Shimmer if it's a colt. And that's final! Just be happy I'll let you hold it from time to time. And change its diapers. And maybe sing it to sleep and tuck it in. And, did I mention, changing its diapers?"
I did an epic spit take, made all the more epic by the fact that I had nothing in my mouth at the time. "You're...?!" I looked her up and down, giving her belly another squeeze, eliciting another yelp from her. Hah, no, it can't be... can it? Snubbing her horn honestly couldn't have... but then amidst all the cheap innuendo did I ever stop to confirm that two adults must in fact indulge in the pretzel dance to produce offspring here? Sure, there was fantasy and there was absurd, but can I really be certain? What if unicorn horns really are magic foalie buttons?
Oh macaroon me backwards, what if Crystal Heart was with foal too? How would I ever begin to deal with a filly Crystal Heart? With a crash helmet and a running jump out of the top floor, probably.
"Yes, I'm with foal." Sunset huffed with more certainty than me, "I suppose we will have to start preparing for the worst. The poor thing might be born completely bald like you, or, worse, with your brain."
"By the flaming macaroon goddess, you're right." I gasped in horror. "It might end up being smart enough to figure out sexual reproduction!"
"Th-that's why..." She muttered under her breath, "I... I'll take any punishment. Just... let me stay here."
"Punishment?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Well... I deserve punishment anyway, I know. I am not without a conscience, or shame, unlike you." She huffed, "I did fillynap 1000 ponies, mares and fillies alike. A lot of them had no other place to go, to be fair, but nopony sane would willingly be a living sacrifice to some evil dark overlord... which actually makes me wonder about the sanity of a few of them. Anyway, most of them were frightened out of their minds, and for good reason too. Anything could have happened to them in that dark ritual. They could have been vapourized, eaten, or, worse, ruined for marriage. Nopony knew what unsightly, hideous and repulsive evil could have crawled out."
"Yeah, me." I said.
"My point exactly." She said, crossing her hooves.
"I'd offer a shovel but you're doing very well with that hole." I said.
"And worst of all..." She sighed, "I tried to mind-control you. That's...pretty much what Ahuizotl does to us every day of our waking nightmare. To do that to somepony else..." She shuddered under my arm, "I... I'm sorry, alright?" She muttered through gritted teeth. "I-It was just insurance, in case y'know, but there's no excuse." She sighed, "I'll take any punishment, do whatever."
Ah, so it was guilt. The question is, why would an evil sorceress who had sacrificed 1000 mares in a dark ritual to summon a dark demonic overlord feel any guilt at all? Or, perhaps, she had been feeling guilty all along but had been counting on her ends to justify her means. But now that the ends were no longer in sight after she lost control over whatever that ritual was, the guilt had returned with a vengeance.
It probably didn't help that she believed she was with foal. She probably felt she needed to earn her acceptance here for her foal's sake, and the first step would be atonement.
I stopped by a window and planted her on the wide windowsill, allowing her to sit back on her haunches, her cold cerulean eyes level with mine. "You're right. A crime's a crime." I began, levelly. I watched her tense up, biting her lip as she awaited my verdict. "Our Empire is in its infancy. We must set good precedence and examples. Which is why this will be the worst, most painful, most humiliating punishment ever doled out in our Empire to date."
"Just... just get it over with." She spat, gritting her teeth as she gazed down at her hooves.
I picked my words carefully. It must, after all, sound like a convincing sentence, while of course cunningly not setting any precedence for anything that might happen in the future. "Sunset Shimmer, you are charged with involving innocents in a dark ritual that resulted in the resurrection of the evil dark overdude, me, for stealing and flying an airship without the appropriate license to do either, and for attempting to develop a potentially explosive weapon of mass destruction by mixing a 1000 year old spell with ice cream and nachos inside a biological reactor, again, me. You are hereby sentenced to a life serving out your punishment. For as long as you remain here in the Empire, you shall remain by my side as my loyal aide and companion. You will work to protect the lives and wellbeing of our people and to ultimately save all of Equus. You will prove to all the world that your actions up till’ today were for the sake of this world's salvation. If along the way we ruin Ass-whose-shot for marriage where his sun don't shine, we'll take that as a bonus."
"Wait, that's it?!" She demanded in derisive disbelief.
"And you'll be wearing cute little tinker bells from now on." I said as an afterthought. She winced visibly at her fate. "Oh, don't worry, I don't even know what pony darts is." I paused, before adding with relish, "Yet..."
"A-Alright... f-f-fine." She whimpered. "N-no more... p-please."
The bells were something I had considered for Lyra, to make it easier for me to keep tabs on her. But if there was one pony I definitely didn't want to lose track of, it's Sunset. Ideally I'd like to have a leash or a google tag on her, but bells were the next best thing.
"One last thing." I added.
"T-there's more?!" She squeaked.
"Oh yes..." She shut her eyes tight apprehensively. "Your crime and sentence will be a secret between the two of us."
"W-what?" She balked. "But... why?"
"If you work hard at your sentence, a day will come when you will be celebrated by all ponykind for what you did here." I said, "When that day comes, your crime will cease being a crime."
"Wait! Justice doesn't work that way!" She said, stamping a hoof down, "There's black and white; nothing in between!"
"I'm the Emperor here. It can be pink if I say so." I shrugged. "Besides, if you do have a foal... your foal should never ever have to grow up with your crimes." I allowed my brows to knit into a little scowl before I could stop myself.
"Do you... do you honestly believe that?" She asked quietly, her sapphire eyes shimmering hopefully in the aurora light. "I've... I've prepared myself to be the traitor to ponykind... to be damned to Tartarus." She bowed her head, allowing the moon to splash cold silver across her fiery mane. "C-can I... can I really be forgiven?"
"That will all depend on you. But that should be nothing to the great Sunset Shimmer." I gave her a grin of encouragement.
I heard the briefest of muffled sniffles before two deep glimmering pools of royal blue peered back up at my eyes, filled to the brim with fiery determination. "Of course!" She snapped, her voice once again confident, if a little strained. "I shall be the one to save all 1000 ponies... no, all of ponykind! And I shall clean my hooves on Ahuizotl on my way out!" She declared, stomping a hoof down in burning defiance of the world. Sparks of magic erupted forth from under her hoof, lighting up her flaming mane.
"Perfect. I'll just go home now, shall I?" I chuckled.
"Yes, but I'll let you clean your hooves on the rest of his Empire on the way out." She said, waving a generous hoof at me.
"By the way, the '1000' ponies; did you seriously count each and every one?" I asked, doing my best to avoid gloating with brimming mirth. It proved difficult.
"Huh? Well, duh. 1000, virgins too." She rolled her eyes, "Magic's a precise science. Nopony knows what could have happened if we were one degree off during the ritual. Thanks to my awesomeful ingenuity and careful attention to detail, we will never find out!"
"Never, huh?" My grin grew wider. "So... what exactly is a 'virgin', Sunset?"
"A pony who has never kissed with their tongues before." I swear she'll be looking through the back of her head by the end of the night with how much she's rolling her eyes. It's alright, she won't be any less adorable with how unbelievably innocent she is. "You're lucky the intelligent and generous me is willing to patiently teach you all the difficult things in life."
I'm starting to get an idea of why they got the pizza delivery call centre instead of the mail order evil overlord hotline. But I am a champion of innocence, I would not dare poke her little naive bubble. Poking fun at math fail, however, is fair game to me. "Just putting this out there, there are 998 ponies here, excluding you and Crystal Heart."
"Wait, we didn't drop any on the wa—... oh." She blinked, horror dawning in her eyes. "I... uh." She blustered.
"Yep, you yourself are part of my big welcome hamper." I grinned, watching her burn the colour of her namesake. "You're welcome."
"That... uh... aargh." She clutched her smoking head in her hooves, "Hah! Well, f-fine, you m-might as well take r-responsibility for ruining me while yo-you're at it! N-not that I care or anything! Hmph!" She huffed, turning her face away, gazing at the window latch with such wilful ferocity I was impressed the crystal did not melt under her gaze.
"I was just teasing, Sunset." I chuckled, leaning back against the wall as I laughed my fill. "Consider the joke at your expense part of your punishment."
"Wai-... but... " She rounded on me, suddenly looking aghast. "But... what about m-my... "
Ahah. So it does mean that much to her. My little ruse to confirm it worked, though now I was left with the question of how to deal with it.
Well, roll with it, I guess. Like a man.
"In all seriousness, I know how hard you've worked to keep yourself and your horn pure. Considering the world you've grown up in, you've done amazingly well." I said, before taking a deep breath. "And while I'm not much, I am at the very least a man. I will take responsibility and make an honest mare of you, as long as it is something that you truly wish for, something that would make you truly happy. I promise I'd make you all that much happier."
I heard a little squeak in response. I looked around at her and found her staring at me, wide-eyed, hooves clasped over her mouth. She was quick to look away to pout up at the moon. I could almost imagine the moon shying away behind a nearby cloud under her glare. "Hmmph! As if anypony would ever even look at the likes of y-y-you!" She blurted out, blowing up her cheeks as if trying to out-round the moon. "Count yourself lucky that I am magnanimous and generous enough to at least consider joining your herd! Our foal deserves to at least grow up in a loving herd!"
Hmmm, 'a loving herd'? What she said suggested that herds are an actual social norm here, not just the misogynistic practice of that big dick of an emperor with his herd size bed. It likely paralleled herbivore herding instincts back home, except with sentience backing it up. Interesting. I filed this under 'For Further Study'. I decided I should withhold my own human views on what I perceive as chauvinistic misogyny. Remember, I'm in Rome! (In before Rome burns!)
"You're our overlord now." She said, raising a hoof as if lecturing me, "You have an image to uphold. And you will have a herd worthy of an overlord! Just be thankful of the lengths I am willing to go to ensure that!"
"I'm sure you'll do in a pinch." I grinned, ruffling her mane. I'm sure I've earned at least that privilege.
"W-what's that su-supposed t-to mean?!" She stomped a hoof angrily as she headbutted my hand away. "I'll have you know, many stallions don't even get to dream about me!"
"Yeah, they have nightmares." I said, earning myself a glare hot enough to wilt my wang and melt my balls.
"You're going to have to work on your sweet-talking if you're going to have any hope of having a respectable herd," She pointed out. "Not that any amount of sweet-talking from you will ever earn you my MLP!" She added with a huff. "I'm not a cheap a mare as Twiley."
"Hoho, so you know of my secret little fetish?" I whispered ominously. "You know of my little pony collection?"
"Of course! You need to stop underestimating the Shimmer!" Sunset snapped. Her voice, however, shook with just the slightest hint of anxiety.
"Oh, trust me, I won't. I shall not rest until you give it to me." I chuckled creepily, my breathing heavy and raspy with desire, "I shall not stop until you are but a plaything in my hands." I cackled, manically, wiggling my fingers obscenely in her direction. I half-expected thunder to punctuate my declaration, for lighting to silhouette my shadow reaching out for the shocked Sunset.
Instead, I got a muffled chuckle, "Ahah, found you, your lordship. I would have been content to sit and watch. Unfortunately our business isn't one that we can really delay all night long." It was Redheart, giving me a knowing little wink no less. "I can let you two get back to it after. I'll even give the lady a little something to get her back in the mood again."
"Get back, mud-tail." Sunset growled, leaping down onto the ground at my feet, horn suddenly erupting with fiery red magic as she rounded on Redheart while stepping in front of me. "Who are you and why are you here? This part of the palace isn't even active." She demanded.
"I'm a nurse, my 'why' is 'everypony'." She smiled disarmingly, though I could see her legs tensing in the darkness, as if ready to deliver some earth-pony brand curb-stomping in self defence if necessary.
"Calm down, Sunset. That's Nurse Redheart. She runs the infirmary we're looking for." I said. "Redheart, this is Sunset Shimmer, our..."
"We all know her." Redheart nodded with a guarded smile. "We owe her for bringing us here. What we owe still remains to be seen... but it looks promising." She said diplomatically.
I noticed something then. The mares I'm with, at least the horned ones so far, seem to always react with hostility towards strangers who address me directly. In fact they seem to instinctively leap in front of me, stooping down as if ready to strike. I could recall Crystal Heart and Lyra doing just that, and now Sunset too. I couldn't help but wonder why that was.
"Oh, you found him, Redheart dear." The familiar form of Rarity trotted up the corridor behind Redheart.
"Not difficult. I have a nose for his sort of trouble." Redheart gave me a little smile. "Oh, don't give me that look. I approve of such healthy behaviour, as long as it's safe." She raised a hoof to chuckle into. "Oh, but then, Ms. Crystal Heart wants things as unsafe as possible." She sighed, dramatically. "Oh, the moral dilemma tears me apart."
"I'll show you 'unsafe'. Something else will tear you apart soon if you don't can it." Sunset muttered under her breath.
"Oh I do so apologize, your lordship." Rarity said, catching up with us. "I honestly thought we were managing. Applejack has been a real dear and helped deliver most of the medical supplies. I've done my best getting all four of the impromptu infirmaries we found brought together into one place. Ms. Crystal Heart came by to show us where the main infirmary is and we've moved everypony there."
"Well, that sounds perfect." I said. "Why the apology?"
"Well, you see, we hit a little bit of a snag. While some of us can read passably, unfortunately none of us can write." She sighed. "Thing is, it looks like we will be needing Twilight's help after all."
"Oh, right... Twilight." I muttered to myself. Darn it, I had one job. How'd I forget to ask her?
"Is that all?" Sunset asked, raising an eyebrow. "Whatever Twiley can do, I can do better. Leave it to the magnificent me." She said, gesturing imperiously at herself. "Show me." She commanded.
I just smiled as I watched her follow after Rarity and Redheart. Yes, she'll be just fine.
The full moon had climbed to its full height, sailing upon the waves of aurora light in the sky outside. Its bluish silver glow cast a soft radiance upon the crystalline walls that made up the dim infirmary. The only other illumination in the gloom came from the occasional pulse of light coursing through the crystal circuitry in the walls on their way to the various crystal-powered equipment.
In the centre of the long gallery of medical bays was the large, circular nursing station built into a grand spiral of crystal that spanned from the ground to the ceiling. On one side, labouring under a little pool of crystal light, was a unicorn, her horn glowing gently as she maneuvered a quill across one last roll of parchment. "There, that's the last one." Sunset said, passing the last of the patient notes to Redheart in a burst of magic. "Name, details, description of ailment and current treatment plan, all complete.”
"Thank you, Ms. Shimmer." Redheart said, taking the sheet of paper in her mouth and placing it in a waiting folder.
“I’m curious though.” Sunset said, frowning, “Why are the treatment plans just lots and lots of these repository things?”
“Oh, it’s quick and easy to deliver, and everypony recovers oh so quickly with them.” Redheart chuckled, “Some even get better at the mere mention of them. That’s how good they are.”
“Interesting. Sounds like me, but as a drug.” Sunset said as she stretched her forehooves over her head a little as she looked around, "I shall start sorting out this mess by listing the inventory tomorrow. It’ll be easy, it’s mainly just mountaints and mountains of these ‘repository’ things. And it's not like you're all not able to read, so it really shouldn't take you long to learn how to write too. We can start tomorrow."
“Thank you, Ms. Shimmer.” Redheart said. "Not just for this." She added, nodding at the many grand bays that made up the Crystal infirmary. "But also for bringing us here."
Sunset looked up in surprise at this. "Thank you? Wait, you're... thanking... me? For...fillynapping you?"
"Yes, yes I am." Redheart nodded, giving Sunset a warm smile. She gave a little sigh as she regarded the patients resting in their individual bays. "Up until today, all I had ever done is extend the suffering of everypony I cared for. But now... now I'm beginning to believe I may be returning them to a life worth living. It's all thanks to him. And to you for bringing us to him."
"Uh...umm..." Sunset looked about awkwardly for a moment. "Oh, n-need to l-list w-what we need for t-tomorrow. That really is Twiley's forte. Why is she never here when we need her?" She muttered, hopping off her chair and stalking off. Redheart could only chuckle and shake her head at her departing back.
Redheart finally turned her attention to the figure sitting hunched by a bed in one corner. She trotted up to it before raising a hoof to its knee to gain its attention.
"Oh, hello, Redheart." I had barely registered her hoof on my knee.
"Thought I'd mention, we've explained your triage system to everypony." She said, cheerfully. "It's really quite marvellous, your lordship, having one of us sort out and prioritize our patients' needs and have everypony else work through the list of priorities. Are you certain you're not a medical professional?"
"No. Otherwise I'd be doing something more useful." I sighed, gazing down at the heartbreaking form before me.
There were nineteen ill patients, mares and fillies alike, mostly suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. Those were not too difficult to manage. There were a few other local diseases. One particular ailment I had become acquainted with very quickly - it was an illness akin to our human 'smoker's lung', a sickness known locally as 'Diamond Lungs'. It is contracted through extended exposure to the dusty air inside gem mines.
"She, she thanked me, Redheart." I murmured, eyeing the sleeping form of the little earth pony filly tucked under the infirmary bed's soft blanket. "Her name's Sunny Daze. She loved to fly kites she made herself. That was before they put her in the gem mines." I gripped the edge of the blanket in my fists. "She remembers the last time she properly saw the sky, Redheart. It was three years ago." I muttered, listening to the little golden blonde filly's soft breathing misting up the crystal breathing mask strapped to her muzzle. "She lost her father to a mining accident. She lost her mother to diamond lungs. That was two years ago." I could feel my teeth grind as a low guttural growl escaped my throat.
A-Whose-Shot. Adult ponies are one thing and I've got your endless shit list for that. But innocent little fillies? Really? Did you really have to go there?
"Calm down." Redheart's hoof on my knee was like a much-needed anchor in my swelling storm of rage. "Or your wounds might open up again." She pointed up at the wound on my cheek, contorted and twisted to near-breaking in my expression of anger.
"How can I?!" I demanded heatedly. "She...she..."
"Because it doesn't help. If anything it'll just give us another wound to treat." Redheart snapped, giving me a harsh glare. Her expression quickly softened as mine did. "If we get upset over every single story that comes in here, we'd never get anywhere with our job." She nodded at the other patients sleeping soundly in their bays. "And as our leader, this is a fact you will have to learn, and soon." She gave me a sad little smile, "You carry a harsh burden, your lordship, one that will often demand you keep your eyes upon the horizon. You may not always be able to stop and hold the hooves of every single pony on your way."
I hung my head at this. She was right, of course. I cannot hold Sunny Daze's hoof all day, neither will it help, not her, not the other sick ones here, and definitely not the rest of the Empire or ponykind. Damned messiah complex.
"Your lordship... " Redheart gave me a comforting smile as she placed a hoof softly on my cheek, shepherding my eyes gently towards hers once more, "I'm just a little mare. I don't know how to deal with all those big things. But I'm good at all these little things. So I and everypony else here will take care of the all the little things as we know you would, so that you may carry on leading us through the big things."
"I..." I sighed, mustering a little smile, "Redheart, you really know how to make people feel better, don't you?"
"It's my job." She gave me another one of her reassuring winks. "I'd better be good at it." She turned around to head back to her nursing desk, pausing along the way to pull what looked like a big fluffy white cloth off the table with her mouth. "Woud chou min' giffin' me a hoof?" She asked, voice muffled by the fabric she held up. As she held it up I got a good look at what it was; a white nurse's cardigan, complete with what looked like some sort of crystalline insignia on the back.
"Sure." I said, getting off my sad rump and followed her over to the nursing desk. She leapt up onto a folding cot behind the desk and perched on her haunches. She then raised her forehooves to slide them into her cardigan, pulling the sleeve back with her mouth. Unlike the unicorns with their convenient magic, earth ponies seemed to have to make do with their mouths. It didn't seem all that comfortable, but then they must be used to it. But surely this cardigan would have been easier to wear if it were designed to be worn backwards with the buttons on the back? And why buttons? Why not some sort of zipper with a long chain or something?
As I helped her put her cardigan on my eyes settled upon the quill. Surely that was also unicorn-only. How would earth ponies work quills? Using one's mouth would only get one a very dry and feathery tongue afterwards. Perhaps the more dexterous unicorns designed everything, and the other tribes simply followed suit? But then why not design everything to be more pony friendly?
Unless they were copying some other race, a race with hands and digits? Lyra seemed to know quite a bit about hands. I should remember to ask her next time I get the chance.
"You're right. There's more I can do for Sunny Daze and the others than sit here watching her." I finally said as I finished helping her with her cardigan. "Thank you, Redheart." I gave her a smile of earnest gratitude.
"Think nothing of it." She gave me a slow smile as she settled back on her haunches, balancing forwards on her forehooves. I noted her posture, recalled the sitting posture of the ponies back at the party, before looking down at the chairs lining the circular nursing desk. They all had back rests. Why? Nobody with that kind of sitting posture would ever use back rests. Why bother when long couches would make more sense?
I filed that away alongside my question on hands, for later perusal.
"Is that your cot?" I asked, curiously, as I looked through Sunset's handiwork. "There are plenty of beds upstairs." I point out.
"Yes." She said, patting a hoof on the cot, "There is no rest for the wicked. I can't serve without rest, so I will at least rest beside the wicked."
"Surely you can take turns with the others?" I asked.
"Yes. Sweetheart and Tenderheart have the night shift. I do the day shift with Snowheart." She said. “I prefer day shifts. Night shifts make me feel so naughty.” She chuckled.
"Then you could go get some sleep somewhere more comfortable." I said.
"This is where I am most comfortable. I wouldn't be able to sleep worrying otherwise." She said, running a hoof through her mane sheepishly.
"You live and breathe your job, huh?" I said, feeling a little envious. I really should have gone and become a doctor, if only I had the money to pull through medical school. But that's another life entirely now. "Sweetheart, Tenderheart, Snowheart... a lot of hearts." I said, thoughtful, "Is it a medical pony thing? I'm guessing hearts feature on their marks too."
"Yes and yes, your lordship. This 'Overdude Sense' everypony's talking about is uncanny, isn't it?" She chuckled into a hoof. "Which is why I don't begrudge my mark appearing. It seems to reflect what I live to do. And gaining the mark meant I got to care for those who truly needed it, other runaway refugees like me." She sighed, "Well, not entirely true, but that's what I try and convince myself." She said, peering up at the soft pulses of light coursing through the crystal pillar at the centre of the nursing station.
"What's stopping you?" I asked, curiously.
"The truth is, this entire world is sick." She said, her grim smile set aglow by the pulsing light. "And there are times when I wish I could simply wrap up the whole world in a big warm blanket and whisper to it that everything will be alright." She chuckled forlornly to herself, "Call me a silly filly, but that's just what I am."
Now where have I heard that before? I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. "Sorry, no, I'm not chuckling at you, more at myself." I said, standing up, wearing a sudden goofy grin. She gave me a quizzical look. "There is a nurse in my world who once thought that. She is now forever remembered as the mother of all nurses." I said, "She lives on as an inspiration, through the hands of every nurse who serves in my world today. In that way, she truly has cast a big warm blanket across our entire world."
"It must be a beautiful world then, your lordship." Nurse Redheart sighed enviously.
"It... could have been." I conceded. "Hold onto those thoughts, Redheart. This world needs them more than ever. And if you'll let me help, let this Empire be the first thread of your big warm blanket."
After all, who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
"Y-your lordship..." Redheart seemed taken aback somewhat.
“In fact, I need an expert to advise me on the secrets of the pony body.” I said, “Would you be my health advisor to my interim government, Redheart?” I asked.
"I'm just a humble nurse, your lordship. But I trust in your judgement." She gave me a little nod. "That's officiallese for 'yeah, sure'. Just show me the plot, I'll bring the suppositories." She threw in a wide grin as well.
"We're on then." I offered her a fist which she promptly hoof-bumped. It was surprisingly soft for an equine hoof.
Yet another flash of prismatic light lit up the infirmary as a small, pinkish white orb of light floated down gently. We watched as it floated over little Sunny Daze before gently hovering over her blankets, picking it up and softly tucking the little filly in. It then soared back up over us, orbited slowly as if casting an eye over the entire infirmary, before finally landing on my palm.
"Looks like the magic word is 'suppository'." I murmured, eyeing the little figurine of Redheart, standing tall and vigilant on the palm of my hand. These things really are popping out faster than popcorn kernels.
"Ahah, so these Am-ail-pees everypony's been talking about aren't unicorn-only." Redheart said, pulling her own MLP out of her own little black orb of light. "I'm sure there are ponies out there who will be interested in hearing that." Looks like word about the MLPs really has spread about. I had a sneaking suspicion Lyra was turning that particular rumour mill. "I think you'll want to make one with a pegasus, and soon." Redheart said, setting her little MLP figurine on her nursing desk and eyeing it curiously. "It's only been a few hours and there are already ugly rumours flying about, no pun intended."
"That I'm playing favourites?" I asked.
"To put it bluntly, yes." Redheart said, "A few are keeping a cool head, saying it's just a matter of time and it's only been a few hours since you arrived. But the rest grow restless already."
"That bad?" I winced.
"If I may speak freely, yes, I'm afraid so." She looked around. Satisfied we had our privacy, she continued in a low whisper, "And you having 7 unicorn followers already certainly doesn't help. I can't speak for the pegasi but the earth ponies are getting worried that this Empire will be a unicornarchy."
"Wait, 7? I only have 3 unicorn followers." I quickly counted. Twilight, Lyra, Rarity, yep, only 3 horned poni-...oh, Crystal Heart counted as a unicorn? She probably does as far as the earth ponies are concerned. But where'd the other 3 unicorns come from? Oh, I've been seen talking to Dinky, Trixie and Sunset as well, haven't I? Ah, I see.
"Yes." Redheart nodded at the understanding dawning on my face. "Even those you are seen with will count now. Of course we have no way of knowing who has one of your am-ail-pees and who doesn't. So the most cynical of us will assume any and all ponies you're close to are am-ail-pee bearers."
"So now I have to be careful with who I'm seen speaking to as well." I sighed. "Unicornarchy, huh? Judging by the fact that that is a word, this has happened before?" I raised an eyebrow.
"It's what pony society used to default to, before Ass-hat-all. In fact, the world under Nightmare Moon's scourge was a Unicornarchy." Redheart said.
"Nightmare Moon?" I asked, looking up at the moon floating outside the windows. That was when I noticed her for the first time. A dark, subtle shadow peered disdainfully down at me. I've heard of the 'man in the moon', but this was truly a 'mare-in-the-moon'.
"It's a long story, your lordship." Redheart said, "I'll let one of the more accomplished scholars tell you the whole story. But long story short, both unicorns and pegasi are known to fight over power and slaves. Unicorns tend to have the upper hoof and many of the reigning governments in our history have often been unicornarchies."
"Slaves?" I balked at this.
"Mostly earth ponies like me." She said. Ah, so not only is there racial tension, there's a lot of historical grudges too. This can get complicated, really fast.
"I'm... sorry to hear that." Was all I could manage.
"Your lordship, I personally don't care." She shrugged. "I treat any and all ponies who walk into my clinic equally. And I am not about to question your rule, not with all that we owe you. This is simply a little bit of advice from a bystander. The earth ponies will probably grumble loudly at most, but the pegasi...they are likely to rebel if they begin to believe we're heading towards a unicornarchy."
I realize now that Twilight had been putting it rather lightly earlier, doing her best not to worry me. But Redheart has put it into clearer perspective. It's not even a matter of the MLPs anymore, it's a matter of the company I keep.
"Oh flying macaroons..." I sighed. Different world, same crud. Well, I'll need to start thinking of a solution. But in the mean time patching the holes to keep this ship afloat was the priority. "I’ve already asked you to join my interim government, but I may need to you make public appearances with me as well. It’s important that earth ponies and pegasi are also seen to be involved in our government." I said. "Would you be alright with that, Redheart?"
"Being a figurehead? I don't mind." She chuckled lightly, "Whatever keeps your flock together. Besides, I would love the chance to make suppositories a legal mode of drug delivery."
"Wait, what?" I blinked. "It's illegal?" Not that I'm surprised.
"It's banned under Ahuizotelian law as an abomination unto his name." Huh, so the ponce can be sensible sometimes?
"What's he got stuck up his backside then?" I asked.
"Apparently he doesn't like how they look a lot like his face." I take it back, he's still just a self-obsessed ponce.
"Motion passed, pun intended." I declared, "Bonus points if you can make the suppositories and the resulting products in his exact image."
"Your wish is my command, your lordship." She gave a little bow, "Our chamber pots shall never be more justified."
"I look forwards to it." I grinned, getting up to leave. "Oh, one more thing before I leave." I said, pausing by her cot. "Tell me, Redheart, does squeezing a unicorn's horn cause foals to pop out the other end?" I asked. I just had to know, dammit.
She stared at me, like a pony caught in the mad-lamps. Then, slowly, almost cautiously, she extended a hoof to my forehead. "Are...you feeling alright, your lordship? Perhaps the injury was deeper than we thought." She murmured, worriedly. "Would you like to lie down? I have a suppository that would go straight to your head and…."
"Alright, alright, that's all the answers I need." I said, quickly, before beating a hasty retreat out the reach of Redheart and her illegal toys.
"Oh, she's quite right, you know." Rarity had joined me as we made our way back to the lifts. I saw more ponies trotting by now, blankets and pillows balanced on their backs as they sought out one of the ground level dormitories. Most of them seemed to be earth ponies. Perhaps they were more comfortable closer to the ground?
"What? I didn't know you're into suppositories too, Rarity." I raised a quirky eyebrow.
"Not that." She blushed furiously at their very mentioning. Interesting reaction. "No, no, dear, I'm talking about the matter of the three tribes. Redheart had done her best to, how shall we say it, sugarcoat the matter." Rarity went on to say.
"That's sugarcoating?" I groaned. "Kind of sparing on the glaze then. How can it be worse? You're going to tell me teenagers here fawn over cheap sparkly unicorn-earth-pony paperback romances next?"
"The fact is, the three tribes won't play it quite as nice as she puts it. They won't stop at keeping tabs on who's who in your inner circle. There will be spies, oh yes. In fact, there could be spies right now." Rarity gave a little pause. We both looked around us, as if expecting the shadows to suddenly sprout eyes. "I declare, I do not make a habit of speaking ill of my fellow ponies, but have you considered why Lyra has taken such an interest in you?" She cocked an eyebrow at me.
Lyra? A spy? But she's looking out for me and...is really stealthy, was very quick to approach me, even quicker at establishing herself as a figure in my newfound 'religion', and was even quicker still at giving me a boner with her lyre. Huh, who would've thought? If I were the faction with the smallest numbers who is discriminated against the most, what would I do in a revolution? Why, seize as much power as I could as quickly as I could.
And even if it were not true, if Lyra was truly just acting for my sake, the apparent fact remains that I have 'seven' unicorn followers right off the bat. The other two races would certainly see that as the unicorns seizing power.
"Still, Lyra isn't the sort to work with anypony." Rarity said thoughtfully, "She always preferred to work alone, that one."
"That's... good to hear." I quite like Lyra. I wouldn't like to think she was a spy serving someone else's interests. And surely the MLP was proof enough of her loyalty to my cause?
"You can bet your hooves the pegasi and earth ponies have eyes watching you. And many will approach you soon enough. The unicorns too will not back down and will be quick to curry favours with you and those of us who are already your crusaders." Rarity said, grimly.
"You too?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, a few have already tried." Rarity winked. "I certainly love the attention, but Rarity's not for sale, oh no."
"Thank you, Rarity." I gave her a smile. For some reason I felt she was being genuine. I could only hope I was right. "I might have to warn Twilight then." I said.
"Twilight couldn't see a plot even if it were sitting on her face wearing all seven flagrances of chilli beans on hay." Rarity said, waving a dismissive hoof. "I wouldn't worry about her. She will be much too absorbed in timetabling everypony's potty breaks."
"Hmm, I'll need to speak to her about timetabling dedicated noogie time then." I said.
"I don't know how the earth ponies will play it, but the unicorns and pegasi will certainly be aggressive." Rarity warned. "The pegasi especially so. You can count on one of them approaching you soon, maybe even tonight. And knowing them, the topic will likely veer towards something like our military forces."
"The pegasi are the warrior race then, I take it?" I surmised.
"We are a peaceful race as a whole, but we have at times shown some capability for violence. The pegasi certainly lend themselves to violence a little more readily than the rest." Rarity nodded.
"I see." I nodded. "No doubt their priority would be to see a pegasus made general of whatever armed forces we set up."
"A very powerful position, certainly." Rarity nodded. "Considering that is all the physical power under the hooves of one pony. I shiver at the very thought, your lordship."
So do I. I will have to raise a military force, sooner or later, that much is obvious. But I would need to do it in such a way as to not bias power towards any one race. Making the general a unicorn was one possibility, but from what Redheart and Rarity tells me this would lead to a pegasi revolt very, very quickly. I wonder if there's a leaf I might be able to steal from some nation somewhere in my own world?
A sudden shiver ran up my spine. I felt a pair of eyes staring at me, through me, almost stripping me naked down to the very minerals that make up my body.
I quickly found said pair of eyes. They belonged to the slate-gray mare we had noticed sharing some hot tongue action with the wall earlier. Now that I got to look at her closer I noticed she was all very earthy colours, from her slate-gray fur to her straight silky pale lilac mane and tail. Even the dark gray utility dress she wore was a dark stony gray I couldn't help but imagine her camouflaged against a mountain or a public restroom somewhere, eyeing everything silently. And she was doing just that but in plain sight as she stood there in the middle of the corridor, still as a monolith. A very intense monolith.
She stared at me. I stared back. Then a flash of light blinded us both. I looked up. Seriously?! A gray blob of light fell from the ceiling lazily, straight down. It didn't even bounce as it came to rest languidly on the crystal tiles beneath us.
How? Why? What the holy fluting macaroons is that thing even doing there? I make ponies poop out MLPs just by looking at them now?! Why is the light pulsing as if it's panting at me? Oh by holiest chaste and sweet macaroons, Crystal Heart, I don't want these MLPs anymore. Please, take them away!
"Hold it right there, dearie!" Rarity stomped a hoof in front of me as she placed herself between me and the mare. "Just what is the meaning of this?" She demanded.
Interesting, whatever the instinct was that drove them to show hostility to any mare approaching me, it was ingrained in Rarity too. I'm not about to generalize over a sample size of 4 horned ponies, but it was a start.
There was a dimmer flash of light as the little jet black orb flew down as well. For some reason this one decided to fly straight for Rarity. Instead of dryhumping her horn, however, this one decided to hide behind her thick, luscious mane.
Was that orb...shivering? Was that... fear?
The mare stared at us both intently with half-lidded eyes sharp enough to cut throats and taxes. We stood there, in what felt like the longest staring cold war ever. When she finally opened her mouth, we held our breaths.
"I'm Maud." She said.
And this is my old friend, silence.
"I'm...Rarity." Rarity finally said, uncertainly. It was difficult to stay hostile when your opponent looked about as threatening as a wall. "And this is our lordship, the... uhh... overdude." She said, gesturing a hoof at me.
"The music." She said, in a voice as flat and featureless as a tombstone. "What was it?"
"The rock earlier?" I said.
"It rocked. Here." She said, pointing a hoof at her chest.
"I-I see."
"And here." She added, pointing further down as she bit the hem of her skirt and pulled it up to indicate her... uuh...
We stared, glazing over faster than a donut in a caramel vat.
"Darling, no! Not here!" Rarity finally broke the silence with a squeak. “Oh, quick, somepony, a towel! Get a towel!” She waved her hooves frantically.
"Your rock." She said, looking back up at me, leaving her skirt hiked up around her waist. "It was hard. Like a rock."
"O-kay?" I blink.
"It felt hard inside." She said. "Me." She added, as an afterthought.
"O-kaaaaaaaay." I would have turned and signalled the retreat with my own, except my body seemed petrified under her gaze.
"I came. Five times." She declared with all the excitement of reading an epitaph."Hard." She added.
More silence. We practically heard the world turning.
"Well... done?" I finally said, uncertainly.
"Yes, indeed. And now you can... go? Once?" Rarity suggested, anxiously.
“I find you almost as desirable as a rock.” She said. “I wish to compare your hardness.”
“T-that is very flattering, but I’ve got a three month waiting list!” I said.
"I desire it." She said, taking a step forwards. Rarity and I took a big step backwards. "Coitus with you, that is."
"W-woah, slow down, you need to build up towards this sort of thing!" I point out. “We can start with talking... or... waving at each other... from a distance.” Rarity gave a gasp of agreement as she fell back on her haunches, clutching the trembling little black orb protectively.
"Rocks can be dirty. So can I." She asserted, "I can make you... rock hard. Like a rock." She took another step towards me, hoof-falls upon the crystal flooring like heavy slamming sarcophagi. "I can... rock your world."
"W-wait! T-think o-of t-the k-kiddies!" I squeaked.
"I am." She replied. "I want to have your foals. Right now."
Something finally cracked. It may have been me. It may have been the world. But I wasn't sitting around to find out.
"Hold that thought." I said.
"Alright." She replied, giving me a little nod.
“Excuse me, Rarity. I need to go find my balls. I think I left them in the infirmary.” With that, I turned. Then, in a burst of speed that would have left olympic athletes eating sonic booms, I tore away in the opposite direction.
When I finally dared look back, I quickly regretted doing so for the rest of my life. There, zooming after me, racking up frequent flyer miles like an intercontinental ballistic missile, was the little streaking orb of gray light.
"AAAAAAAAAAARGGGH!" Never, ever, have I been so afraid of something so little and so bright. Except for that one time when my five-year old cousin asked me how her little sister was made. "CRYSTAL HEAAAAAAAAAAAAART!" I shrieked like a ninny as I ran all the way for the elevators.
I dive-rolled into the first one and repeatedly bashed the holographic button for the royal apartments. I sweated like an impotent hippo in mating season as I eyed the corridor behind me. Then, as sure as bubble-wrap's sexy, it appeared, floating around the corner ominously. I could almost hear the orb of light revving up as it accelerated down the corridor towards the open elevator.
"GO! LIFT! DO YOUR THING! UP UP AND AWAY, LIFT!" I pumped my finger through the button so fast I could have made porn actors drool.
Finally, the magical force field closed over the lift and the door. The little gray glow bashed into the force field so fast it left a massive heart-shaped crack in the shimmering magic. Thankfully it wasn't able to smash through.
I heaved a sigh of relief as I sank to my knees, allowing myself to finally catch my breath. I stared out of the clear crystal glass that contained the little pillar of pink light that was the elevator shaft, watching as the dark rolling hills of the Empire slowly fell away beneath me.
My eyes slowly widened. No... By holy macaroon babe goddesses, no...
There, streaking up after the elevator, trailing a ghostly wispy trail of light, was the little orb, flying up after me.
This is karma, isn't it? Karma for ruining Sunset for marriage, for bubble-wrapping Crystal Heart's horn, for ever existing. Please, please, deliver me from that thing, and I promise, I promise I'll always check the use-by-date on condom wrappings...
A short while later found me finally settled in my bed, sufficiently calmed down from my escape from between that rock and a hot place. The little gray orb had knocked against the windows a good few times before it finally gave up and flew off. Reveling in the absolute fool-proof safety of my bedroom, I finally calmed down enough to sigh contentedly at the feel of the fresh linen underneath me. It was so dreamily soft, it was as if someone had plucked the very clouds out of the sky and stuffed them in a mattress. Come to think of it, that was actually very probable.
I smiled at the thought. Anything, everything, is possible here. I could actually go as far as believe good might be able to win here. It's only been a few hours since I arrived but we had already achieved quite a bit. I was already getting giddy imagining what we might achieve tomorrow.
A soft jingling filled my ears, subtly interrupting my thoughts. I propped myself up to take a look at the source.
My eyes boggled a bit as they tried to find a single point to focus on. I finally found my voice along with my jaw somewhere around my feet. "That's...a lot." I finally managed to say.
"What? You asked for it." Sunset muttered, her expression threatening cold murder. "Gem-butt helped me with these." She growled, glaring down at what was probably Rarity's handiwork.
Two pairs of whitish pink thighhigh socks embraced all four of her legs, secured about her thighs by bright pink ribbons. Their main feature, however, were the bells hanging from said ribbons. This was complimented by a large ribbon strapped about her neck bearing a bow and one large bell. The whole look was completed by the array of smaller ribbons and bells tied into her flaming mane and tail.
I hadn't expected her to take it quite this seriously. But she showed that she was ready to commit to her atonement. All I had to do was make sure she followed through with the rest of her sentence.
"It's got a nice ring to it." I said, drolly. "Bell-lieve me."
"Oh, you're absolutely killing me here." She feigned laughter as she turned to leave. "I see your wit and puns take a nosedive when you're tired. Go to sleep before I make you."
"Why don't you stay and do just that?" I said as I flopped over onto my front and propped my chin up in my hands. "Let me show you what else can take a nosedive." I grinned a predatory grin.
"Your sanity, obviously." She muttered, shaking her head.
"Insanity loves company. And seriously, lovin' and pimpin' as she is, I don't want to be alone with Crystal Heart in my bedroom at night." I added.
"Crystal's here?" Sunset looked around, "Or are your eyes staring out of your plot again?"
"I'm right here, you know, Master." Crystal Heart's muffled voice sailed up from underneath my bed.
"My point exactly." I said, "And if you're done stalking me down there you can join us up here."
"How did you see through my power-conservation-mode stealth protocol?" She asked.
"I know you'd be there cause that's where all my dirty stuff like porn and bubblewrap gravitate." I said.
"Hmph, very well, it would be rude of me with guests. Allow me to turn this off first." Crystal Heart said. There were a few clunks, beeps, whirrs, even a sproing. Something rolled out from underneath my bed, rolled all the way into a corner, vibrated loudly against the chamber pot from earlier for a while, before finally going quiet.
"Is this the ejection seat function you're working on for my bed?" I asked, quizzically.
"Ejaculation seat function? No, but that sounds like something the Enrichment Centre should work on next. Hmmm, perhaps one that could improve the arc and trajectory while accelerating the missiles..." I heard the sound of a quill scratching on parchment underneath me. "As for this, no, I am tuning your vibrating bed. It is set to vibrate at the natural frequency of your higher logic centres, effectively rendering them completely ineffectual." Crystal Heart, finally crawling out from underneath my bed.
"So we won't notice any differences then." Sunset said.
"The point is to release any restraining effects his higher logic might have upon his libido. But yes, my simulations project no real differences." Crystal Heart said.
"What exactly are you simulating and why?!" I demanded.
A loud crash interrupted us, turning our attention towards a nearby wall. My heart sank as I realized what it was. It was a hexagonal crystal grill, and it had fallen right off the wall. The edges of both the grill and the hole seemed to have been melted right off. There, in the dark hole that stretched out behind it, hovered a little dark gray orb, floating calmly, like some vengeful spirit waiting at the end of a long black tunnel.
"I knew these ventilation ducts would be the death of me." I muttered.
My horrified shrieks echoed through all 9000 hooves of the Citadel's ventilation network.
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I thought this be a Disgaea crossover...
The part with Maud really crackles me up
. BTW, why is he screaming at the end?
you hope i enjoyed it as much as you did writing it? well when you say it dragged on you're kinda setting the bar really low arent you? but it was good as always, i can't deny that
Maud? Yes.
4477391 the MLP probably had a rather naughty position that is not filly-friendly
also love the chapter but there needs to mea scene where he stands as a hero and suddely ther comes a clod of mlp lights that sweep him away into the throne room where all his followers can see them settle in their respective place
i can see him already
" Oh no... hey! Put me down! Oi leave my pants on! Argh dont pull my hair! Help! Ponies help me! please! NOOOOooooo....!"
Everyone lusts for the Overdude's Lower Horn.
You could say that all these puns where... Rock solid!
appletik.blog.com/files/2011/12/fYeahG-Rated_Big.png
I think we now know why the spell summoned a dark overdude instead of a dark overlord. Either not all 1000 mares are virgins or "999 mares and Crystal Heart" isn't the same thing as "1000 mares" as far as the spell is concerned.
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memecreator.com/static/images/templates/11036.jpg
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-NoiVoTAuISw/Un-sxwS0nWI/AAAAAAAAPaw/JEixTW1vqH4/w500/jack-sparrow-run-gif.gif
So like... what's up with Trixie? Where'd she go? Wasn't she supposed to leave or something?
Kinda begs the question of who'll rustle his jimmies more, Maud's MLP or Maud herself...though I'm sure if Maud really tried he'd be screwed(literally) trying to out run her.
Is it just me, or is Sunset's naivety really fucking hot?
Didn't feel like it dragged on at all, though in some spaces there were /giant/ spaces between paragraphs.
Maud... what the hell. Seriously Maud, stahp.
I also continue to love Crystal Heart's hiding-under-the-bed-stealth mode. It's so adorable. Crystal Heart is best pony.
QUEST ACCEPTED: UNICORPEGASEARTH-ARCHY
FORM A COUNCIL OF ALL THREE PONY RACES BEFORE ONE OF THEM DECIDES TO REVOLT FROM NEGLIGENCE
UNICORNS:[X]
PEGASI:[ ]
EARTH PONIES:[ ]
Oh my gooood, this whole chapter, I can't even bring my feelings and thoughts into words... it's just... just.... gaaah, it's too much!
...
...
Alright... let me recollect my thoughts...
So. This chapter gave a deeper look in the pony society of this world, some info of its past and possible future.
Besides that, we found out possible problems - and solutions alongside.
I predict Rainbow Dash turning up in the next chapter (or the one after) and taking the place of the said Pegasus General of Armed Forces.
[Note: the Empire's military should be named CERAF, as of Crystal Empire Royal Armed Forces. The Overdude is royalty, afterall.]
About the mares who he interacted with in this chapter:
-Sunset Shimmer was adorable all along, the socks and bells made me have a minor brain-shutdown. Great job.
-Redheart (in my opinion) will be an important character later, I adore her.
-Maud. Absolute and epic WIN. Nuff said.
Write fast, make more, as I ask for it every time.
This story must have at least 70 chapters.
Keep it up.
-Zeph
I kinda feel like leaving this here
That, was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
His first day and he is already trying to run from sex. Maud is going to catch him soon enough.
*Dead of suffocation*
4477865
As Pen Mightier's brand-spanking-new Editor, I apologize for the spacing issue. Google Documents don't translate too well when they're transcribed over to FimFiction, usually. That, as well as some additional errors that I swear weren't there when I checked off the chapter, will be rectified at a later date (because Pen likes to post and then fine-tune at a later date).
another brilliantly hilarious chapter!
im just surprised overdude hasnt received a mlp from ditzy yet, but oh it will come in time.
great job
i think Muad would make a great Milatary comader becuse well you rember her first appearence and well she wount rise tensions from pegasi and uniacorns
That was awesome , you truly are a king among men sir thank you again.
4477897 You think THIS is bad? Wait till he meets Pinkie...
4477865 U-GA-TH-archy?
4477865 Gotta' love those puns. Rocks in the ocean~
Maud......
Never take her for granite because shale get you even if she has to boulder her way through an army!
I regret nothing!!
....)
(except the fact that i now have Rock Lobster stuck in my head with the image of Maud in a lobster suit dancing around
Extremely enjoyable, as usual.
Continues to be a refreshing story to read through when it comes up on my update list. 
Also, my compliments to your new editor for what sounds like a pretty short-notice job. I hope y'all do well together~
I imagined Ruby Rhod's scream here.
4479619
Damnit. Now I am, too.
Awwwww come on, Maud needs some love! Don't be treating the mare like that!
4478274
What if the whole Pie family is like this. He has to deal with four of them.
4481295
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/084/f/a/spitfire__mother_of_god_by_un_worst-d4tw20n.jpg
Tsundere-set Shimmer.
I lov me some Maud.
Silly overdude, of Quartz she would rock your world.
Maud doesn't deal with pebbles, only those who have real stones.
and for attempting to potentially explosive weapon of mass destruction
Applejack been a real dear and helped deliver
Sunset said as stretched her forehooves over her head
so thatso that you may carry on1. I feel like some words that I can't properly place are missing in the center of the sentence...
2. Applejack has been a real dear and helped deliver.
3. Sunset said as she stretched her forehooves over her head.
4. Extra So that.
Yep, Maud needs a towel. Scratch that, she needs diapers for soaking all that up.
Who's the person considered to be the "mother of nurses" that Redheart resembles? I can't find her based on the quotes or anything like that....
5150994
Mother Theresa.
generic insult aimed at me believing my own intelligence is higher than your own.
4477391 he never received the mlp of maud so that was it coming from the wents
And once again Maud proves how awesome she is. Even her MLP drips with the stuff. And if the full sized version has even half of the persistence of the figurine...Overdude's not keeping his pony virginity for long
img0.derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/11/7/760082__safe_solo_octavia_octavia+melody_reaction+image_artist-colon-reiduran_lewd.png
Yeah! Everyone knows foals are made when a mommy and a daddy use a magic mirror, not a magic fountain! Get your facts straight!
I most certainly hope not young lady!
Priorities, Sunset!
....While that's cute that she's so innocent, I'm glad that the Overdude was what she called up with this botched spell. And does that mean some of the "virgins" aren't?
....Oh joy!
“I’m curious though.” Sunset said, frowning,
Once again,img0.derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/11/7/760082__safe_solo_octavia_octavia+melody_reaction+image_artist-colon-reiduran_lewd.png
Follower get!
StalkerFollower get! And Maud was seduced by rock music? .....It disturbs me that that's not surprising.
Yeah, you're doomed.
R.I.P. Overdude.
She should be called...
(puts on sunglasses)
..."Tsun-set Shimmer".
Oh jeez, how did I find this story again? XD
NO RAGRETS!
Good job.
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I'm just gonna leave that here.
Goodness, Maud's MLP is a relentless little sonuvagun isn't it?
6035222 When I see that:
static.deathandtaxesmag.com/uploads/2014/12/nope.gif
I thought it was 90000 not 9000 so one of the chapters is wrong
Always the tsun-tsun, never the dere-dere...
6115502 Like Fluttershy and the animals at the Grand Galloping Gala
Holy crap it is the ever rare Pony Tsundere! Sunset in this fic fits that label to a T. She would make Rin Tohsaka proud.