The Evil Overdude and an Uncertain but Sexy Railgun - Part 3
Silence followed as the tremours from the last fireball finally died away. We had found ourselves in a bit of a dead end, both literally and figuratively. If the fact weighed down on anyone, everyone seemed to be trying their best not to show it. Trixie went without saying, looking as haughty and stoic as a little sparkly blue marshmallow on legs can. SnarkyHeart seemed determined to stare down the wall until it began melting out of embarrassment. The bat pony was chewing her hoof as she eyed the walls and ceilings. As for Dinky...
"Mr. Muffin, what's a bone-roar?" Dinky asked, innocently. Incredibly smart as the little filly was, I was starting to pick up on the fact that she had absolutely no grasp of atmosphere.
Darnit Dinky. "Dinky, be a good little filly and ask me when you're older." I said.
"Mmm, Dinky's now four seconds older." Dinky pointed out. "And Dinky might not grow any older than that." Actually, I take it back, she probably was aware of the gravity of the situation. She’s just taking it far better than you’d expect for such a young child. Which meant she just had no respect for atmosphere.
"I'm jealous," the bat pony sighed, scraping a hoof across the floor.
"You realize you won't be growing much older in a bit either, fruit bat." Trixie pointed out with an annoyed, nearly flabbergasted expression.
"Oh... I'm not jealous anymore, really!" The bat pony squeaked.
"Just what were you doing out here, anyways?" Trixie demanded, rephrasing her question carefully.
"Oh, me?" The bat pony pointed a hoof at herself with a tilted head. She appeared lost in thought for a moment, before shrugging. "I was just mapping this area. It's my hobby, really, and I make good money selling them to the diamond dogs, windingos and dragons." She said, reaching back with her snout into what looked like a saddlebag that I hadn't noticed she was wearing before. She drew out what looked like a roll of parchment before dropping it in my hand. "Well, after that I suppose I won't be selling to the dragons, at least not for a while." She chuckled nervously.
I unfurled it, and what I saw took my breath away. It was more a work of fine art rather than a map, painstakingly and lovingly drawn. But what really drew my attention was the empty spaces around the edges and where the mapped out surface simply dissolved into emptiness. The snakiness of the border between the mapped and the unmapped brought to mind the image of the young bat pony zooming back and forth over terra incognita, putting form and name to uncharted lands. It was almost romantic, at least to my naive self. There was a rather obvious circular blank area to one side of the map where I guessed the Crystal Empire was.
A thought occurred to me. For a moment I thought she was the pegasus who had been watching us from atop that cloud earlier. But all that suggested she wasn’t. Interesting. That means whoever that pegasus was had either stopped watching us or didn’t care enough to lend a hand. Or hoof.
"Then this one naughty mountain just wouldn't stand still, really. I came over to tell it to stand still while I finished drawing it in. And it turned out to be a big naughty dragon. Then you two happened." The bat pony looked over at me. "By the way, you look interesting." She said with no preamble whatsoever, trotting over and leaning in close. Awfully close in fact. "I haven't seen anypony like you before." She said, placing her forehooves on my head to turn it about. "You smell interesting too." She sniffed deeply as she ran her snout through my hair.
"Hey! Too close!" Trixie squeaked, hopping in one place in anger. "Get back before the Great and Powerful Trixie turns your fangs into hole-punchers!"
"Oh, sorry, sorry, you need to tell me if I start doing that, really." She gave another nervous little chuckle as she quickly backed away. "But, uh, I'm afraid somepony got there before you." The bat pony smiled anxiously, revealing two rather obvious gaps where fangs probably would have been. "The inquisition have them. At least, I think they still do. I barely escaped with the rest of me."
"Wait, they what?!" I barked, sending more dust raining down from the roof.
"Eeeee..." The bat pony squeaked in fear, briefly backpedaling away from me in a minor fit of panic.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I said, a lot quieter. She seemed to calm down at my words, and gradually released the tension in her legs. "But, why? Why did the inquisition do that?"
"U-uh, um..." The bat pony's head fell, her fluffy ears flattening.
"Bat ponies were the closest supporters of Nightmare Moon, more so than the unicorns." Trixie explained with a huff. "Unlike the other three tribes, there is a standing execution order on all bat ponies, marked or no. Harbouring or associating with them is punishable by death."
"B-but I-I'm not a soup-pot-er or soup-anything-er! I didn’t even know Nightmare Moon eats soup!" The bat pony suddenly spoke up, crimson eyes watering visibly. "B-but...I d-don't want to bring anypony any trouble, really. I'll leave after we're done here, promise." She said, meekly.
"Masticating macaroons, absolutely not!" I snapped, anger rising dangerously. Another shower of dust particles rained down from the ceiling, only reminding me of our current predicament.
"Eee..." She reeled back a little at my voice once again.
"Sorry, I didn’t mean to be that loud. Please, no need to be afraid of me." I said, a lot more softly as I knelt before her. "I am the Overdude, sworn guardian of all ponykind. And that includes bat ponies like you."
"W-wait!" Trixie gasped. “Oh, by Starswirl’s balls.” She facehoofed.
"Transmission cut." SnarkyHeart announced.
"Mr. Muffins is the god emperor of all ponies." Dinky said from somewhere around my legs. I had almost forgotten to put her back where she belongs on my head. She gave a little giggle as she was plopped back in her nest in my hair. "We are his chosen. He protects us all. And we protect him." Dinky explained. "W-was that right, Mr. Muffin?"
"Yes. Perfect, Dinky." I gave her an upside down smile.
"P-ponykind...?" The bat pony gasped, her fluffy ears perking up visibly. "M-me included?"
"By epic-flavoured macaroons, yes." I said with conviction. "And if you'll allow me, I would protect you too. You, and any and all bat ponies who would come live in the Crystal Empire where I promise you, you will all be safe. Forever."
"S-s-somepony..." She gasped, falling onto all four of her knees. "S-somepony would...c-care for us." Earnest tears welled up in her crimson eyes. "A g-god... a god would protect us." A single tear trickled down her cheek. Suddenly, with great speed, she bowed her head to the floor, flattening her silver and lavender mane against the floor. "I-I'm just a bat pony, your Emperorness! I'm not worthy, really!"
"Whoah, no need for that!" I gasped, waving my arms at her. "There's a height restriction on entering the Empire. You need to be a certain height to get in. Come, get up; stand tall." I said, pulling her up onto her hooves.
"No MLP." Trixie whispered aside to SnarkyHeart, a scowl threatening to break forth. "Isn't that suspicious?"
"We are too far outside the Empire. MLPs only form on Crystal Empire soil," SnarkyHeart replied. "You were just barely within range. If you were just one hoof out, you would be a miserable pile of very bad memories right now."
"Ergh..." Trixie shivered.
"Ooops, I haven't introduced myself, have I? It must have been weird thinking of me as that no-name thestral." She giggled, wiping away her tears before beaming up at me. "Friendly introduction moment!" She announced excitedly. "My name is Moonlight Sonata, your Emperorness.” Her voice took on a solemn tone. “May my Moonlight be your light, my sonata be your comfort. Though my name’s ‘Moonlight’, I’m kind of afraid of the dark, really.” She added with a sheepish little smile.
I must admit, I was rather taken aback at how quickly and easily she had given me her trust. I would have thought being born with a death sentence on your head would make you more wary of complete strangers.
Should I be just a little suspicious?
"Welcome to the team, Moonlight Sonata." I said, giving her a nod and a smile.
"Moonlight or Sona's just fine. Don't want you to bite your tongue on my account, really." She smiled a toothy smile back at me.
“Trixie gives it five minutes before the sexual harassment begins,” Trixie said aside to SnarkyHeart.
“How do you know Master hasn’t already begun?” Crystal Heart whispered back through SnarkyHeart.
"Dinky sees sunlight that way. The sun must be rising," Dinky said, pointing in the direction opposite to where we came in.
"Huh, well spotted Dinky." I gave the giggling filly a hair ruffle. "So the cave does open up elsewhere. But it's too short. He'll see us come out that way." I said.
"It'll be better than walking straight into his verbal-diarrhea-chamber-pot mouth." Trixie pointed out, still eyeing Sona warily.
"We also still can't lead him back to the Empire." I said. "We need to stop him here."
"Good luck with that." SnarkyHeart said.
"'We' includes you." I pointed out, shooting a look at my disgruntled shoulder-passenger. “C’mon, I know you love me, SnarkyHeart. We’re a team.”
“What did you just call this MiniHeart?” SnarkyHeart blinked. Her face flew through a variety of emotions, before she settled on a dour one. “I love you as much as the stars in the sky.” She muttered, darkly.
“But...it’s morning.” Dinky pointed out.
“Exactly.” SnarkyHeart muttered.
“So anything more specific other than not dying out here?” Trixie asked, looking quite put-upon.
“Mmm, can’t Ms. Twilight send us some help?” Dinky suggested.
"Twilight Sparkle had Rarity, Ditzy Doo and RedHeart gather volunteers from all three tribes,” Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. “A contingent of flight-capable pegasi just took off from the citadel and are now enroute to your location. A mixed ground unit of unicorns and earth ponies are also on their way."
I had to hand it to Twilight. Even in an emergency, she’s managed to keep a cool-enough head to think of involving all three tribes in the rescue effort. "Every minute we stay out here, we risk more of his kind arriving. A big group of ponies would definitely attract attention and make it more difficult for us to retreat without giving away the Empire's location." I said. "We'll need to try and escape, and fast. We need a plan. All of us." I said, giving Trixie a look.
"Fine, fine." Trixie sighed. "Trixie's great and powerful magic is truly incredible, but he doesn't seem to realize this." She huffed, mostly to herself. "His hide is just too too thick."
"So, the only way we're getting through is with a physical punch to the face," I said.
"Punch power? Trixie might as well be blowing in his ears. If he has any." Trixie said.
"Even air can be a weapon. There is nothing deadlier than an air spiral, really." Moonlight said.
"If air is deadlier if you make it a spiral..." Dinky said, tapping a hoof on her chin, "What happens if you make anything else a spiral? Like, um, Ms. Unicorn's lightning?"
"Silly filly,” Trixie huffed in a less-annoyed and almost-softer tone than what she had been using with everyone else. It seems even Trixie couldn’t mistreat Dinky in any sense. “Air doesn't conduct lightning very well. The longer the distance the lightning has to move, the more magical energy is lost as light and heat. Spiralling lightning is just wasting magic."
"S-sorry..." Dinky whimpered.
"No, wait." A light-bulb flickered in my head. It was a dangerous place to light up anything as potentially flammable as a light-bulb. It was usually the signal to abandon ship. This time it was particularly crazy. Like, comic book supervillain crazy. But crazy has actually worked out for me so far. If I can't believe in crazy right now, what can I believe in? "Dinky! You're a genius!"
"Really?" Dinky perked up. “Dinky didn’t know that.”
"Trixie! Can you curve the lightning into coils around both my arms and fire it out that way?" I asked.
"Are you kidding Trixie?!" Trixie balked.
"What, too much for you?" I challenged. From what I understood of Trixie’s character, if I called her out on being unable to do something...
As expected, Trixie’s face hardened. "The great and powerful Trixie can do anything." Trixie reiterated haughtily. Her face quickly fell into a frown, probably realizing the hole she just dug herself. A light groan left her lips. "But it's really tricky, and all it'll do is waste a lot of power. And give Trixie the dizzies too."
"I project this spell will drain all remaining Element energy." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. "I trust your judgement, Master. But, are you sure about this?"
"About as sure as dragons have two wangs," I grinned. This was greeted by an awkward silence. I looked about in confusion. "What?"
"So that's a yes?" Sona finally asked.
"Wait, what?!" I gaped. No way. It couldn’t be.
"Huh, good enough for Trixie." Trixie shrugged.
"Dragons really have two wangs?!" I demanded. I later learned that male dragons indeed have two much like the lizards back home. No, seriously. The dragon girls love pointing this out, apparently.
"Master. Focus." Crystal Heart snapped.
"This is important!" I asserted. “I need to know how!”
"OVERDIIIIICK!" The cave rumbled violently under the assault of the dragon's voice. "I grow tired! And hungry! Perhaps I will not stop at chewing your bones, I will suck out your marrow too!"
"Hey! Leave me out of your wet dreams!" I shouted back. A low roar sounded out as response. "Okay, so my concerns regarding his phallic quota is probably a liiiittle less important." I conceded.
"Cunning planning moment!" Sona clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Can we use a map? Can we, can we, pleeeease?"
I sighed with a shake of my head. "Yes, Sona; we can use a map."
"*Squee!*"
"Great and sexyful artillery."
"Check." A horn glowed and sparked threateningly in the dark.
"Fluffy map-guided rocket."
"Check, I think?" A pair of leathery wings flared out in the shadows, tilting up and down experimentally.
"Genius thinking cap."
"Check!" A pair of hooves patted my hair reassuringly.
"Big mouth."
"Buck you." Something on my shoulder glared at me, threatening to burn a hole in the side of my head.
"We're good." I declared. The gems lining the sides of my FIMs glowed an ominous black as the rotating magazine chambered the last of the crystal cruiser rounds with a whirr and a click. "Ready?"
"Dinky's ready!"
"The great and powerful Trixie was born ready!"
"Uh, bring on the bitch sprinkles! Um, wait; is that right?"
"Buck you twice? There's an app for that."
"Let's go!" I fired off the FIMs. The now familiar crackle of spraying crystal filled the cave. We quickly gathered speed as the powerful beats of Sona's wings propelled us forwards. The sunlight at the end of the tunnel blinded us for the briefest moment. Then fresh cold air bit our faces as we sailed out into the rising sun, zooming away down the hill straight towards a flat open plain Sona had marked out on her map. The expansive snow plain was almost blinding in the bright dawn but was welcome for our plan.
"Sneaky little tail-mites!" The dragon roared as he soared over the hill, propelled by his own pair of powerful wings, his massive bulk trailing snow and wispy contrails. "I shall have you extra crispy!" He landed with a tumultuous crash, shaking the earth for miles around. Without losing a moment he reared back his head, gathering yet another fierce white fireball in his throat.
"Missionary Formation!" I shouted. A deft swerve from Sona saved us all sharing the fate of a suddenly vapourized tree nearby. Using the momentum from the swerve she whirled us around to face the oncoming dragon. Her powerful wings continued to beat, propelling us backwards.
"Trixie swears, after this we're finding a foal’s dictionary for you, OverButt." I felt Trixie's magic coil about my shoulders, ready to spring out at my command. "Now, Trixie hopes you know what you're doing!"
"Me too!" I dug into my pocket and brought out a coin. I curled my middle finger about the coin before cocking my thumb under it, as if to flick it, all while extending my index finger to aim. I held my arm out straight, my other hand steadying it at the wrist as if aiming a handgun. With one eye I aimed down my arm, trying my best to compensate for the shaking while timing Sona's evasive maneuvers. "Final checks." I said, the magic in my shoulders crackling dangerously.
"Site check. Power levels meet optimal requirements." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart to one side.
"Um, aim check? Dinky thinks it's, err...okay? Mr. Dragon is sort of, uh, everywhere." She said. True, the massive dragon pretty much dominated our field of vision to the point where it was more likely to hit him than the ground.
"Propulsion check moment! Bum back, flank-kicking forwards, I think!" Sona shouted over the fierce beating of her wings.
"The great and powerful Trixie checks nothing!" Trixie declared.
"Dude check! Feeling sexy as buck!” I rounded off the check with a flourish.
“I will make you dig your own grave with your face, Overdick!” The dragon roared as he leapt into a powerful pounce aimed right at us.
“Kinky! Now, watch my middle finger’s boner for you!” I shouted back, flicking the coin against my middle finger. “Get off my lawn, dragon butt!" Thunder boomed in my ears, threatening to rip my eardrums apart as the pent-up static charge uncoiled, unleashing a spiral of lightning that wound around my arms, coursing straight for the coin. For one singular moment, the coin flashed in the sunrise. The next moment it was gone, as if whipped away by the blinding flash of light that erupted like a second sun.
I have only ever watched videos of experimental railguns fire. Seeing the real thing, especially just mere inches before me, was mind-blowing. Literally. The recoil sent my arms flying wide apart, blasting my body backwards with all the force of a rhino in heat. I had to twist my body sideways to avoid landing on Sona. Even SnarkyHeart's little force field barely broke the force of the impact, causing me to impale the ground with my face with all the grace of a flying pie. I unburied myself just in time to watch the little streak catch fire in mid-flight, leaving a rapidly expanding bubble of superheated air-turned-plasma in its wake.
Snow and earth sprayed in a fine mist in the air in its backwash. It barely missed the dragon, whizzing by a foot away from his head. But the shockwave and mach 10 sonic boom trailing in its wake didn’t, not by a wide margin. The shockwaves rippled through his scales, sending waves crashing through his fat belly, before sending him flying sideways, spinning like a giant black top. 2 stories of epic dragon butt was thrown aside as effortlessly as the ugliest plushie ever. What’s left of him was flung across the forest, flattening trees, rocks and draconic egos as far as the eye can see. “Keep the change, motherbucker.” I grinned.
We watched as the little streak of fire that was the little coin flew on and on and on, its passing marked only by trees exploding into flaming splinters or columns of hot gas igniting into pillars of hellfire. It finally came to a stop—at least, we think it did—when it struck a distant mountain peak, shearing off the summit in an explosive eruption of smoke and dust. We winced collectively as the distant rumble of an avalanche coursed through the morning air.
"Bitch." Sona mumbled, slowly peeling herself out of the snow.
"Bitch." Trixie gave her muffled agreement from where her grown-up form had managed to get sandwiched in between two rocks. It would appear she had returned to her full size after landing in between the rocks.
"That was most definitely a diamond dog of the female persuasion." Crystal Heart agreed through SnarkyHeart, who was all but a pair of eyes blinking up angrily at me from inside a little mound of snow bearing an origami boat hat.
"Beach? Where?" Dinky asked, confused, still safely nestled in the bastion that is my hair. Note to self, need to have Crystal Heart make some sort of censorship headphones for Dinky if she's going to hang around me from now on.
"Speaking of which, something's bitchin’ burning." I said, sniffing the air.
"Oh, just you." SnarkyHeart said.
I looked down and found my arm-mounted FIMs and the sleeves of my black turtleneck on fire. "Huh, hot." I mumbled, weakly. My brain finally caught up and got my freak on. "HOT! HOT! HOT!" I flailed my arms about as I did a little tribal fire dance in keeping with the spirit of the thing.
“Victory dance moment!” Sona leapt up onto her rearhooves, wings flapping excitedly to keep herself upright as she joined me in my victory lap around my landing crater. “Eeeeee!”
Trixie rolled her eyes before levitating the snow mound that was SnarkyHeart and dropping it on top of me. My hotness was put out with a very soppy squelch.
“You’re welcome.” Trixie’s muffled drawl came forth from the rock. “Now, a little help here?”
“Coming!” Sona leapt out of her victory dance to help Trixie.
“So is Hearts and Hooves day,” Trixie grumbled with a roll of her eyes. “Now, Overbutt, Trixie would...ugh…” She grunted as Sona tugged on her by her hoof. “...say that establishing Trixie-brand superiority and castrating mountains is just another day...Nggh!” Sona had switched to trying to push her out from behind, wings flapping with her effort. “....for the great and powerful Trixie, but Trixie will allow you a moment to explain your brief proof of gender….argh!" Trixie cried as she was released with a plop by a flying shove from Sona.
"Y-you j-just p-punched a mountain in the face, your Emperorness." Sona panted. "Y-you're like my self-help book in the flesh, really."
"Yes, Master. The output from your magic was beyond any calculated projection possible with available data," Crystal Heart said. "Particularly the sexual arousal output. RedHeart is currently dumping some members of the audience including Lyra Heartstrings in ice buckets. Twilight Sparkle, I'm afraid, is beyond help."
"When did you begin broadcasting again?" I winced, wondering exactly how much I'm tainting this rainbow and sunshine world with my profanities. I might have to install some sort of universal censorship that automatically replaces my indecency with sprinkles. "Well, that was about as magic as my hip thrusts. Really dramatic and flashy, but it's all down to sexy physics and a little dash of style."
"Trixie calls horseapples!" Trixie snapped, picking herself up from her little crater in the snow. "Trixie's already knows about your hidden horn of limitless power. Everypony knows the secret. You use it to give your special chosen ones a share of your Overbutt magic, don't you?" She said, pointing an accusing hoof at me.
"Umm, is it still a secret if everypony knows about it?" Dinky asked. "Uh, um, s-sowwy..." She shrunk into my hair at Trixie's withering gaze.
Oh by the macaroon goddess, not this again. Except that last bit, that's news to me. Seriously, when I catch whoever’s spreading these rumours….
"Excuse me, Master. I think I will need to activate the fire extinguishers. Wait, where are you...Somepony! Somepony catch Lyra Heartstrings!" Crystal Heart shouted before her transmission cut off abruptly again.
"Can we cut the live broadcast, pretty please?" I asked SnarkyHeart nicely.
"SnarkyHeart's busy enjoying the chaos. Can SnarkyHeart ignore you later?" SnarkyHeart said. I suppose I should be happy that she’s accepted my little nickname for her?
"I don't want to interrupt, really, but what about, uh, what's the word the book used? Ditching this dump?" Sona suggested.
"Good idea. That stunt could've attracted the rest of the ugly pageant." I nodded. “I swear, if crud can fly, this place would be an airport.”
As if on cue a deafening rumble shook the earth. Flocks of early spring birds took flight into the early dawn sky, abandoning the snowy forests below.
Three mighty dark shadows rose up into the sky above the forest, towering at least two or three times taller than the biggest tree. Big, dark shadowy serpentine forms loomed high, earth, trees and whole rocks showering off their mighty backs. They were jet black dragons so massive they could probably use godzilla as a dildo.
"Dinky thinks they heard you." Dinky whispered.
"By Starswirl's balls...." Trixie whispered as the shadow from the looming figure eclipsed the sun. "Nightmares!" She hissed.
The little mound of dirt just a little way off from us suddenly burst into life. "Oh, you're giving me a run for my gems! Looks like I'm going to have to bring out the hoard!" Onyx roared, bursting out of where he had laid buried and forgotten in a heap of snow and flattened trees. "You heard me? Or are you all too busy praying for your lives and pissing yourselves?!" He shouted out at us. "Oy, don’t make me clean out your ears through your butts!!" He stomped in anger, entirely unheeded. "Hey! Stop ignoring me! Big menacing dragon of doom about to crush your bread to make my bones here!" He shouted, waving his claws desperately at us. "That's it! No more Mr. Nice Drake! This time I'll eat bon-ERK!" He was thankfully shut up by a graceful, almost elfin form landing atop his snout, snapping it shut.
"Elder brother." The slender silver-white pony snapped impatiently as it glared at the dragon in the eye from where it stood on his snout. Her words registered in my mind amidst my amazement. Brother? That makes her his sister? That's when more details began to become apparent. The silver-white pony boasted draconic wings, scales and, on closer inspection, claws. She was definitely a dragon, but nothing like Onyx. If Onyx was large and buff like the dragon posterboy for all that is macho on steroids, his younger sister was the complete opposite; sleek, elegant, almost fairy-like in comparison.
I take it back, dragons here aren’t rainbow-flavoured and burp glitter and pink at people.
"Not now, Garnet." Onyx stared down his snout at his little sister, going slightly cross-eyed in the process. "Big brother is kind of busy going after this OverDick."
"Brother, I have no interest in your disgusting deviant pursuits." She snapped commandingly, displaying more testicular fortitude in one sentence than Onyx had that entire morning. "You'll be kind of dead here if you don't hurry up and listen. We've got Nightmares. The Crystal Barrens, all the way from the Crystal Range down to the Sparkling Downs, are suddenly full of them. The moot's calling everydrake back."
"Blah de blah, Garnet." Onyx shook his head impatiently, "Just go meditate off whatever it is itching your scales and big brother will...WHOAH! Jumping scale-mange! That's a bigass Nightmare!" He gasped, looking around behind him to find one of the massive shadows looming up behind him.
"Well spotted, Brother." The little sister muttered, dryly.
"You didn't have to bring your boyfriend into this!" I shouted, pointing at the immense Nightmare dragon. "He'll only get the wrong idea!"
"It's a Class F Draconic Nightmare no less!" Onyx took a step back. "Two...no, three of them! By Drakengard, the Crystal Barrens must be crawling with them!"
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." I scoffed, shaking my head. "Psst, what's a Nightmare? And should I be screaming like a pansy yet?" I whispered aside to Trixie and Sona.
"A little parting gift left with love from your old friend, Nightmare Moon." Onyx muttered. "Not all her dark magic went with her to the moon. Some of it remained here, corrupting living beings, turning them into her mindless shadow pawns. Even that hen's issues got issues. Something must have woken them all up at the same time."
"Astute observation, Brother." The younger dragon monotoned.
"Come, Garnet! The Dragon Moot will want to meet, and they can't do so without the all-important me!" Onyx snapped, unfurling his disproportionately small leathery purple dragon wings.
"Well said, Brother." Garnet let out a quietly-suffering sigh while rolling her eyes.
"Hey, little sister dragon, I feel for you. You've got my sympathies." I called out to the younger dragon. “Tell him to keep his dick out of his personality. Might help.”
"You have no idea." The younger sister shook her head in despair.
"We shall finish this another day, Crystal Emperor!" Onyx roared, leaping up into the air.
"Crystal Emperor?" The younger sister looked down at me from where she remained standing firmly upon his snout. She continued to eye me, golden harlequin eyes narrowed, all throughout his lumbering take-off.
Their departure thankfully took with them the attention of two of the enormous Nightmares who were quick to lurch after them. The third, however, seemed to have no taste for dragon butt, preferring perfectly hot sexiness instead. Can't blame it. It loomed over us, kicking up trees and dirt as it began to plod towards us laboriously.
"Um, how about that running idea?" Sona asked, almost pleadingly, from where she sat on her rump by Trixie’s rock.
"I can get behind it." I nodded, firing off my FIMs. Dull clicks echoed hollowly in the frigid air. "Uh..." It was the sound of despair ringing empty in our ears.
"Well, Trixie's getting in front of it!" Trixie was already a good few yards off, kicking up snow like there's no tomorrow. Which to be fair was a distressingly pressing prospect. Like pant-pissing pressing.
“What about us?!” I shouted after her, securing SnarkyHeart and Dinky atop me and gesturing at Sona to follow.
“Trixie will cry epic crocodile tears on your graves!” Trixie shouted back. “Just try and make sure there’s enough left to bury!”
“Thanks!” I made to start running but noticed Sona was still sitting on her haunches, looking the very picture of sheepishness. “What’s...wrong?” I asked, dread rising.
“Uh, well, this is going to sound really lame, really.” She began meekly, fidgeting nervously, all while the mobile tower of Sauron itself was bearing down on us. “But….you see, this naughty rock...” She nodded at the rock. She winced as she gave the hoof she had inside it an experimental tug. “Is, uh, kinda hard-headed, really.”
Sprinkly Hells, Sprinkly Hells, Sprinkling all the way~
A song played in the back of my hysterical mind as I found myself leaping over a snow bank, narrowly dodging the gigantic Nightmare ploughing into the forest behind us as it missed a powerful earth-shaking lunge. Dinky and SnarkyHeart bounced against me as they clung desperately onto my head and shoulders like the fluffiest most adorable dandruff ever. Meanwhile under one arm I carried my most apologetic pizza delivery to date.
Dashing through the snow, on my shoulders a three-horse weight~
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorryyyy, realllyyyyy!” Sona squeaked apologetically under my arm, perhaps the only creature in the universe who would apologize for twisting her hoof inside a rock. It didn’t help that she had managed to sprain a wing trying to shove Trixie out as well.
“SnarkyHeart will carve that into your epitaph.” SnarkyHeart muttered darkly. “In glitter glue.”
Through the fields we go, screaming all the way~
“Trixie! Can we do that sexy sparkly glittery element thing again?!” I shouted after Trixie. “I’ll even let you use my secret magic horny thing!”
“You do it with yourself if you think it’ll wait for you to finish!” Trixie shouted back, now a good ways ahead of us.
“I’m pretty fast if I do say so myself!” I shouted over the dull rumbling of the earth beneath us. I looked over my shoulder to see the massive Nightmare picking itself back up, dark shadows writhing across its hulking mass. It trailed a curtain of earth and trees as it rose back to its full height.
“Crystal Element Lulamoon ate up far more power than was natural.” Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. “I project it was enough power to feed a small Crystal town somewhere for a good few....”
“Trixie’s not a greedy glutton!” Trixie was quick to deny, “This superiorly-shaped-butt is all nature-sculpted!”
“It will require many more prayers to recharge.” Crystal Heart continued. “The much more efficient alternative, of course, would be a pony org…”
“This is just another 20 minute pizza run and that’s just another deadline!” I panted at myself like a mantra, half to keep my morale going, half to not let Crystal Heart drain it. "A one thousand year old leftover shadow curse sort of very literally deadly deadline!"
Dragon on our tail roars, making bladders tight, O what fun it is to piss and scream; a dying song of fright!
“We need a deus ex machina momeeeent!” Sona squeaked.
“Snarkyheart needs ear plugs and some aspirin.” SnarkyHeart muttered.
“Dinky, try calling for help again!” I panted in desperation, lungs burning with the exertion.
“O-Owkay! Heeeeeeelp!” Dinky cried out helpfully. “Pleaaaaaaase!”
“Somebody called?” A voice called out as a brilliant golden flash swooped by overhead. “Cause I hear the flagrant sound of a flank in need of bucking.”
“What is that you summoned this time, Dinky?” I gasped, not daring to spare a moment to look back.
“Uhuh, a gold and lightning-y pegasus.” Dinky, my trusty rearview mirror, reported. “This might also be a beach-...”
“Good work!” I wheezed, interrupting her. “Dinky, be a good filly for me, never ever use that word!”
"So, who stole your muffin, huh, big baby? Did you check up your plot?" A familiar gravelly but upbeat voice called out from somewhere high above. "Cause I could've sworn I lost a thundercloud up there."
A crack of thunder boomed overhead. A few staggered heavy footsteps shook the earth as something massive stumbled with short pained footsteps. Something up above roared the familiar roar of the violated.
“Uh, Dinky thinks she did something very rude with that thunder cloud!” Dinky squeaked, ducking deep into my hair as the lightning lit up the sky.
“Oh, you found my thundercloud. Good boy. You know what, you can keep it as your reward, hon.” The voice above said generously as another thunder crack shook the sky. Another anguished howl followed. “I don’t think you want to put it there, but whatever floats your boat.”
“Eeeeee!” Sona joined Dinky in pulling her ears down over her mane at the booms of thunder splitting the air.
“Is she going to be alright, you think?” I asked, more for formality’s sake as I caught up with Trixie.
“Did Trixie’s brilliance blind you that much? She’s a flying pegasus.” Trixie pointed out.
“I kind of figured ‘pegasus’ implies ‘flight’.” I said, slipping and sliding as I jogged through the snow alongside her.
“Perhaps if the world wasn’t run by an absolute MegaButt.” Trixie said. “Only Taliconian uniform or rogue pegasi are allowed to fly.”
“Wait, flying makes her military?” I struggled to make the connection. Then it hit me why Fluttershy and many of the pegasi never bothered with flight. They simply can’t. Only those that joined Ass-Who-Shot’s military forces were allowed to keep their wings. The others must have been….
“In short she won’t get Nighted.” Trixie summed up. “At least not right away.”
“Nighted?” Who am I to turn away a moment of exposition, even if we were raggedly trekking across miles of wintery wasteland while dodging shadowy body-slams of doom.
“Exposition moment!” Sona helpfully called.
“Devoured and turned into a Nightmare.” Trixie explained. “Trixie’s been told it’s like getting a sunburn, just worse.”
“Whoah, now.” I screeched to a halt and turned to look back. “We’re not risking one of our pegasi being eaten and pooped out a nameless mook-of-the-week.”
"Master, I advise a tactical retreat for now." Crystal Heart’s voice came back through SnarkyHeart. "A flight of pegasi are enroute from the Citadel. They will support that pegasus’ retreat if necessary. Your safety is of utmost importance."
“But we’ve already got our butts here. Might as well make’em useful as well as sexy.” I pointed out.
“How, exactly, is your fruity butt useful at the moment, OverButt?” Trixie asked, pointedly. “Other than to glorify Trixie’s own?”
“Live bait.” SnarkyHeart intoned.
“Subject Lulamoon is right, Master.” Crystal Heart said.
“Trixie is always right, even when Trixie’s not.” Trixie smirked.
“But you can’t be right when you’re...oh, owkay.” Dinky went silent under Trixie’s withering gaze once more. Maybe Trixie didn’t care, after all.
“Your fruity butt is the driving force of our Empire, the very centre upon which our nation revolves around. It is no exaggeration to say your butt is the very inspiration that unites the tribes. Your great overarching responsibility is to get said butt back to the safety of the Empire for the sake of its very butt-needy citizens.” Crystal Heart lectured most eloquently.
“Crystal Heart, where my butt goes and what it chooses to inspire is entirely its own right to decide. I always encourage it to be independent. It is its own butt.” I said pointedly, doing my best to keep my disgust under control. Crystal Heart’s always been very suggestive in her approach, as oblivious or humorous as I play it around her. But now she’s not even leaving me any room for my oblivious or humour cards. “And let it be known that my butt is adamant that no butts are ever left behind. Every butt will come home today! That includes that pegasus’. Come Nightmare butt or Ass-who-is-Butt, we will not leave her butt behind!” Another boom of thunder punctuated my speech dramatically, though not necessarily appropriately.
“Um, yes, butts!” Dinky said supportively.
“Butts! Butts everywhere!” Sona declared helpfully.
“You’re a butt.” SnarkyHeart contributed generously.
“What’s that about my flaming hot butt?”
“Whoah!” We all jumped in fright. Speak of the devil’s butt!
“Yeah, I know, my butt has that effect on everypony.” The flaming yellow pegasus tossed her fiery golden mane back as she stepped up behind us. “Now come on, unless y’all want to stare at my butt all the way back home. Not that I blame ya.” She flicked her blazing gold tail at my dumbfounded self as she sauntered past. She looked familiar, in fact I recalled having her at the strategy meeting just the day before. She had some really hot name I couldn’t quite remember.
“Wait, what about the Nightma-…?” We all looked up and saw the Nightmare roaring and thrashing in the distance, flailing about at about a dozen little thunderclouds blitzing it like a herd of mosquitos.
“Hey, who do ya think yer talkin’ to?” She shot a grin back at me. “I’m Captain Spitfire, Ahuizotl’s Flaming Hot Firebolt.”
To Be Continued.....
As usual, many thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always many thanks to the timely work of our editor Dumbgamer99. Be sure to thank him by checking out his page!
The railgun? Yes, guilty as charged! I borrowed the concept from A Certain Scientific Railgun. I know, I know it's next to impossible in practice, but, hey, so is a pizza delivery dude trying to save the world from a tyrant god. You can do anything if you put your mind and balls to it!
So I never got around to finishing off that pic I was working on last chapter though it was supposed to be an illustration of the railgun scene. But you get the idea, more or less.
Here, have some Moonlight Sonata instead! 
“Uh, well, this is going to sound really lame, really. But....you see, this naughty rock....”
For those of you who read my boring blogs, you might recognize her from the cover art for Night Shift - Bat Pony on Duty, a story I was working on two weeks ago. It kind of hit a snag and despite my and Dumbgamer's best efforts I just could never iron it out. I decided to shelve it for now and come back to it once I've cleared my head on it. Seeing as Night Shift and Moonlight Sonata are pretty much the same character I decided to just recycle Night Shift's cover art, erase her nursing cap, and put her here instead.
Now, as Sona would put it, Shameless Self Promotion Moment! For the Crystal Empire and Sombra fans (and possibly thestral and Coco Pommel fans) amongst you, I've written a new story, King of the Night and the Midnight Empire. It's got romance, it's got my toilet-humour-excuse for comedy, it's got bat ponies bursting out of the seams! Follow Sombra as he tries to find his hooves as a till colt at a McTrotnald's joint in Manehattan with the help of the accidental not-threstal in his life, Coco Pommel.
Till next time, fellow adorable-pony-enthusiasts!
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So is the Overdude going to get capture, or are they going to join him?
31.media.tumblr.com/1cf5f6c2a1f9758b449025313a16aab0/tumblr_mz65t6dWvw1s3wjuno1_500.gif
Ahuizotl’s Flaming Hot Firebolt? Well shit.
This... this chapter... so cool... so adorable... so... EPIC!
I bet this Onyx dragon will show up later and somehow he will turn friendly. Only logical.
Especially with Garnet in the picture. Hm.
Sona is so adorable, by the way, those little 'eeee'-s, d'awww! :3
And the way she looks like too, 110% cuddling approved!
Now we only need..... more Spitfire!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/263/6/4/suggestive_spitfire_by_speedingturtle-d4adiu1.png
Yeees, yes yes yes, Nyx, Nyyyx Nyx Nyx Nyx. ( < Totally not a Dota 2 reference...)
-Zeph
Alright, brilliant railgun idea! And... oh yay, Nightmares. Nice job breaking it, Woona.
And great, Spitfire is on Ahuizotl's side, and is right next to the Crystal Empire! This can only end in tears.
The narrative is slowly, but surely losing me
Well, as you spared the dragon I guess dragonsister and dragons as whole will have some further roles in the story? After all you made the female dragon pony sized, guessing Garnet will at some point be inside the castle then.
Overdude Railgun is awesome.
... I'll be honest. When spirals were mentioned, I honestly expected the Overdude to pull a Tengen Toppa moment and Giga Drill Break the dragon
Wait...SPITFIRE WORKS FOR ASS-SHOT?!
...
We're doomed.
This was fun. I was honestly unsure what happened to Onyx, after they fired at him, but... well, I figured it out eventually. A little silly, using magic to replicate an esper's power, but hey. Rule of Cool wins out, I guess, and few things are cooler than hand-held artillery.
...now I'm going to go change all the dragon names in the Spike-centric fic I've been outlining to something besides gemstones.
The part where he told Sonata that he would protect her and all the bat ponys, ungh!! All the feels!!
This has been a long series of unfortunate events. Surprised Spitfire doesn't see them as enemies.
4647205 maybe if we're lucky she just forgot to mention 'former'?
Yay! A new chapter featuring my favorite Overdude!
Also, didn't you say a chapter or two ago that you were working on another 1000 Vignette Mares chapter for hitting another milestone? How's that one coming along?
right now, I am more excited on the Overdude's return to the empire and see what his actions has done to the ponies themselves. from the sound of what Crystal Heart is reporting, the ponies have basically seen their Overdude turn a simple coin into a weapon of mass fuck you to the dragon in the coolest wa possible. God knows what their thoughts on their ruler will be now.
I especially wish to see what is in Twilight's mind right now. from the sound of it, she's having a mental breakdown trying to figure out how he did what he just did.
can't wait.
4646885 she is with the empire, he had a strategy meeting with her the day before.
And if she is with ass-snot-hell would you think she will go "home" sauntering her butt off with three marked ponies, two of them unicorn and the last a bat?!
4649879 touche, honestly I forgotten about that since it's been a while since I last read that part you mention.
This is an awesome story, though I'm having a bit of a hard time following what's actually happening at points. For instance, it took me reading it three times before I finally understood Sona had gotten her hoof trapped under a rock and sprained it. At least, I think that's what happened, since I'm still a little stuck on the part that her hoof somehow ended up inside a rock in the efforts she took to unearth Trixie from a snowbank of all things. Love the story otherwise, but could you please actually state what is happening for those of us who are having trouble following your jumps in action and story? For instance, why the heck was everypony saying 'bitch' after Overdude used his arm as a railgun? Why are the ponies watching suddenly collapsing over in orgasmic bliss? I realize this story is a bit cracked, but some explanation of what is happening would really be appreciated.
I keep getting lost at some parts, but still a good read altogether.
4650162 Thanks! I'm going to try and be clearer with my narrative. That's a problem I run into a lot when building witty lines into my narrative. I end up sacrificing clarity for comedy. It's definitely something I need to improve on.
4649994 Thanks for the comment. As mentioned above, I will try to be clearer in my narrative, promise. The 'Bitch' thing sort of carried through from Sona in the previous chapter when she introduced herself as 'half pony, half bat, all bitch, but a nice one!'. She's trying her hardest to follow some self-help books as mentioned in the previous chapter which preach assertiveness with the use of strong language. She's taking a lot of it literally and not quite doing it right. She just said it after the railgun impact as the first thing that came to her in her state of awe. Trixie and Crystal Heart just repeated her words numbly for want of something to say. I'll try and make the whole self-help book thing clearer cause I don't think I've pinned it down just right just yet (this is me experimenting with a character archetype I've never really done before).
As for the audience watching back home, half were probably swooning with awe, the other half probably fainting from shock and horror. Crystal Heart being Crystal Heart interprets things the way she likes, i.e. sexually. Though quite a few did get very excited when Trixie revealed the rumour about the overdude's horn being the source of power. On returning home the Overdude will in fact ask what the actual fallout was and receive a proper no-nonsense report from somepony sensible.
4649879 I didn't think anyone would remember that from all the way back in chapter 1, but, yes, well spotted, Spitfire was indeed at their strategy meeting and had a part in the initial ruse. What that suggests I'll leave entirely up to you.
4649487 I can't wait either. It's going to be fun. Especially when Twilight makes the Overdude explain everything.
To think it's just the start of...actually, it's Day 1, considering he arrived in the evening just the day before.
4649049 Solid Snake ain't got nothing on Lyra.
4647670 One is almost done and I could probably put it up soon. There is another I really really want to put up here before the next chapter but it's kind of stuck on a snag. Mainly cause it's a rather sad vignette that doesn't fit in with the feel of the rest of the story. I'm torn on putting it up, but it'd really give one particular character more context so to speak. I'm still trying to decide on whether to keep it or scrap it. We'll see.
4647621 Feeling lucky?
4647567 This is Captain Spitfire. There's 'enemies', and there's 'smallfry'.
4647531 The question is how the rest of his Empire will take it. If there's one thing the three tribes can agree on, it's hating on the bat ponies. The Overdude may well have walked on yet another political landmine there.
4647455 Yeah, I need to work on the clarity of my narrative. I just get swept up in the action sometimes.
If you think about it, dragons being named after gems is actually quite odd. I mean, it'd be like us calling our children 'broccoli', 'carrots', 'beef'. (Something Dinky will probably raise at some point)
4647205
4647182 That would be too easy.
I'll admit the thought crossed my mind. 
4647141 Railguns make anything awesome. Prince blueblood doing RAILGUN HIPTHRUSTS!
4647103 Dude, stop spying on my brain! You don't know where it's been!
4647062 Yeah, as mentioned above, I need to work on improving clarity in my narrative, especially in action scenes. I'll promise to make it a priority. If I don't I'm sure Dumbgamer will kick me into doing so.
4647048 Thanks as always for the comment!
Nightmares are going to be fun to work with, something like generic monsters to fight through when they're not busy fighting the inquisition.
4647033 I wasn't very subtle with the named dragons, was I?
I'm quite happy with how Sona came out, picture and character-wise. Surprisingly, she's going to be one of the more sensible straight-man sort of characters...then again most things are sensible when you compare them to Sunset, Lyra and Crystal Heart.
Funny you ask. There's going to be a lot more Spitfire from here on out.
4646966
Whoah, where did that come from?
4646885 I like this. It means my diabolical cliffhangers are working! MWAHAHAHAH!
Ahem....uh, yes, find out in the next chapter. 
4630683 Never has sexual tension been this deadly.
I guess the question is when it happens and how, and how in Celestia's holiness do I even go about writing it in the most tasteful (as in, NOT tasteless) manner possible? Y'know what, I honestly don't know. 
4616405 I like having that kind of feel where team mates trash talk each other through intense situations, almost as if they're enjoying themselves amidst the chaos. I think as the ponies and the Overdude grow more comfortable working with each other that will become more and more apparent.
4607377 Thanks for the comment. Bat ponies? Check. Zebras? Funny you should mention zebras.
4606239 I kinda wanted to make him look half-crazy while keeping his facial features as cartoony as possible under that massive mop of bed hair. Keeps him generic but fun-looking.
4591005 I agree. I'd love more.
4585621 Many thanks!
4584976 Many thanks! Y'know, I didn't see Kamina in that pic. Now I do.
4569402
4565880 Can you blame him?
4564498 That part still makes me laugh.
4564221 And you shall have MOAR! With cake!
4563052 I think that hat will grow up to become a very wise if rather swag Co-Overdudette.
4562592 I can't wait for that heartfelt one on one either. I keep on thinking it'll be 'next chapter, next chapter' but I never get to it (same with the Trixie scene). I just drag on like there's no tomorrow. I mean, I didn't expect it'd take 9 chapters and this many words to get 12 hours into the story, 6 of which he kind of slept through.
And yes, the ponies have been watching, unless SnarkyHeart specifically declares she's cutting transmission....though she kind of sneakily does turn it back on at times only for the Overdude to find out the fallout from Crystal Heart after.
4562507 Yeah, the concept from the start was that the ponies would be his strength. I was teetering a little on the decision to use the 'Elements' but I finally decided to go through with it. The results were much more satisfactory than expected.
4562416 Trixie would argue he had none to begin with.
4561446 derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/7/318668__safe_rarity_applejack_spike_love+heart_species+swap_dragon_heart_dragonified_proposal.png
Dragons have the Dude-given right to be adorable too!
4561412 1001 now. See, I can keep count!
4561333 Something else popped up though, slightly worse.
4561167 Can't get enough of those ears. I'm getting withdrawal symptoms just looking at Echo's ears.
4561117 Thanks!
4561073 I'll try and make it a good thing, just for you.
4548064 UNLIMITED PONY WORKS.
Aaaand I've run out of time again. You know, I could never keep on top of the comments for 1000 mares. Always so many kind comments. Apologies to those I can't quite reply to, but I'll try and keep on top of the comments whenever I can.
4650450
I have no idea. I saw it a while back and was reminded of it when I got through the last part of this chapter. There's another that's relevant, come to think of it. Let me just see if I can locate it...
Hm. Can't find the gif but I found the original material on YouTube. Good to finally have a name to put to it.
2:40
4650450
One thing's for sure, whether he knows it or not, He finally has a legitimately powerful offensive capability to defend himself and the empire from any future attack that may come. all he needs now is maybe a few tweaks on his new found railgun ability (specifically, how strong it is. he might accidentally blow to empire if the blast radius is too close), a bucket of small metal junk, and a tower to see where the enemy is coming from then he is good to go blast them all to kingdom come (with Trixie's help of course). considering how close he is from from his power source (the Crystal Heart), he can do this all day.
...at least, that's how I see it. I might be wrong about the power source being unlimited but again, with a offensive capability strong enough to blow a mountain top, I think their in good hands. At the very least, it will make for a VERY GOOD show of force for another round of intimidation if the griffons every came back for another shot and that their old tricks won't work anymore.
4650450 Actually, I didn't consider that, but you're absolutely right. Now I'm going to change my dragon names, and name a pony 'Broccoli".
I recently discovered a website that helps with writing more clearly. It will only analyze sentence structure, by maybe you'll find it useful:
Hemmingway Web App
A lower grade-score is better.
To Aru Kagaku no Railgun reference ?
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I really like the idea behind the story. A human gets power from worshippers, and he has to usurp power from the currently all-powerful being. It's a really great story idea, but I find as the story continues, I'm looking forward to reading it less and less. Now I'm more or less reading hoping that the story picks back up so I can continue enjoying it again.
My main issue with the story is that it drags. The plot feels like it's moving at a snails pace, if it's moving at all. You're taking a sub-plot and stretching it to it's absolute limit. I like the direction the story is going in, and I'm not saying to change it, I just want it to speed up. There are way too many instances of people going off on random tangents. I feel in some places, you're sacrificing quality for comedy, and again, the comedy is causing the story to drag.
I want to see things happen. I want to see what becomes with the issue of Dinky's insecurities about not having a father. I want to see the developing political situation between the three tribes and the tension that is derived from them. I want to see the OverDude start working to retaliate against Ahuizotl, even if it's in the smallest of ways. I want to see the OverDude come into is role as the emperor of ponykind, becoming the ruler that the ponies need instead of remaining as the incompetent idiot who bumbles his way around the empire like a retard all of the time.
I don't want to read 21,000 words about him fighting a dragon, when it definitely have fit in 10,000 words. I also don't want to keep reading all these sexual innuendos unless something is going to happen about it. It's killing me that there's a sexual innuendo like every other line and meanwhile the OverDude seems to avoid actually engaging in any sexual acts like the plague.
I'm going to keep reading like I said, hoping the story picks up. I like the idea behind the story and it's direction, these are just the things that set it back for me. Thanks.
I realized something for the over dudes general problem. If he was smart he should have just one for all his armies. He should have one for each race because only their own race knows how to best make use of there own abilities. So spitfire would be in charge of their air force, but they would still need someone to be in charge of their ground troops and someone to be incharge of their "heavy weaponry". Also having three leaders solves the race problem to. And as a side you could also have the bat ponies as stealth operatives.
Oh and by the way, this story kicks quite a bit of flank so please keep up the good work. And take your time with it to flush out as much as possible. Rather have a long good story then a short shitty one any day of the week.
4652369
As much as I love this story (and I do love it a lot), I have to agree that things do seem to be taking longer than I'd like to develop. We are on chapter 9 and it is only the dawn of the...second day, I think. Or is it the third? I want to see the Overdude start actually leading and managing his Empire, who he's going to have as his council of advisors (or however he's going to form his government), and how he's going to start fighting A-Whose-It.
Despite my complaints, I really do love this story, and cannot wait for it to continue.
ha! Love the chapter name!
Important post! Time for your valuable opinions to take centre stage again!
Excellent points all. I myself am curious as to how this dragged on this far. I'm chalking it down to fun unplanned opportunities simply happening everywhere. To give you all examples, Lyra literally walked into the story. So did Dinky and Maud.
But I'm happy to say most of the groundwork is there. Just to share my 'mechanics' checklist with you all, it looks something like this:
- MLPs
- FIMs
- intro Ahuizotl fanatics
- Establish religion
- Prayer/faith energy
- Tribal feuds/politics
- Elements of Epic
That's more or less a chapter introducing each slowly. Plus there's the rest of the stuff with introducing characters, giving them plausible relationship development with the Overdude, making their motivations for their loyalties believable in such a short time span to give him a small circle of advisors to start with, build the interior of the crystal citadel, describe the world outside, etc
Without spoiling too much about what's coming up next chapter, I want to pick your brains for ideas. After all this story is as much for you as it is for me. What sort of issues should the ponies raise in their first meeting on the governance of their empire? What form of government do you see them forming? What positions of power should be set up? Who should be put in charge of what? Would Trixie make a good director of the royal mint? Would you trust Suri Polomare with managing the gem mines?
And more importantly there are two possible arcs from here on out, one focusing on troubles at home, another on their first objective abroad. The first will be the much promised internal struggle story, the latter will be an adventure as they take the fight to the enemy for the first time. Where would you prefer the story go first? And why?
4658280 The overdude should most likely strike out to deliver a blow against A-whose-it. I'd say you should focus on that arc first because it feeds into buying him time to help deal with the first. If he dicks about at home trying to establish ever ounce of his government first, he's going to have a civil war on his hands as ponies question his authority and choice of close confidants.
So striking out against a-whose-it, say a raid on a convoy delivering golden tribute as an example, helps establish the Overdude's authority to help him deal more readily with the burgeoning domestic issues.
The Overdude needs to strike a decisive blow to Awhi-whose-it first to solidify his standing in the world and to his people. After all, you need to set up the foundation before you can attach the walls.
King Sombra appears in this story, right?
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
4658280 if u want this to be a long story you should break this down into story arcs. The first should be rebuilding the empire with the occasional threat of inquisitors and what not attacking. Maybe even the small raid here or there. But the next arc should be full on war.
If you don't want this to be a long story then it should just be about the fight against Ahuizotl and his empire.
My only suggestion would be, there still fairly new at getting setup, while taking a external mission would be pretty neat, I think at least for a bit they need a force to do so with. Epic or not just think at least getting to the point of things being able to organize the military for even small actions, needs to happen first. So far more internal planning stuff first, at the moment there secure but still very disorganized. So my vote is internal, no real suggestions on government, be curious to see what sort of system you decide on after the initial overdude says it. How it accomplishes would be interesting to see.
I want to read this but I have too many stories on my read latter list
Anything that could bump this up on my list?
This is overall fantastic. Never thought I'd see Shina Dark Pony Style. I just hope this doesn't die like the manga seemed to do. Rarely have I seen a fic pull of "playful sexual humor" this well. Though it gets a bit much here and there. I personally dislike 34 a bit and the extended "butt" joke at the end of this chapter was a bit boring. Other than that, I love it.
I really want to know what the deal is with Lyra. I know she is the fanon human obsessed pony, but she knows and does a lot of things here, almost violating the fourth wall, things that people usually make Pinkie do. Though I can live with Pinkie not being a 4th wall breaker, as she wasn't really doing that much in the show and it usually gets really intrusive in fanfic.
Also, how can Pinkie be obsessed with parties like that if they were slaves living only on hay and such before? There are some possible inconsistencies in your portrayal of the ponies prior lives. They seem amazed at food and sleeping arrangements other than hay and, well, hay again, despite the fact that you seem to imply that pony roles run the gamut from the most horrible of slavery conditions all the way through apparent serfdom to the Roman way of slaves where they can work their way almost to the top. Is it just that the ones we see react to the food with such joy are of the lowest rung of slaves? And unless a significant amount of ponies are at the very least at serf status, if not almost lower class worker status, then Trixie couldn't possibly make a living as a travelling showmare.
Also, it kinda bothers me that it seems that no-one helped the runaway ponies. Going by what happened in the American South for example, they would need help and I don't like the implication that everyone except these thousand ponies and any runaways Shimmer didn't find, are so downtrodden that they wouldn't help their fellows or do anything at all. Some compassion is everywhere, even in such harsh conditions.
Though I agree with the other commentator who noted that you are a bit unclear at times. For example, when the Onyx is barely missed by the railgun, I couldn't quite figure out if he was blown away or to pieces. Also, you should, as a rule, write numbers with letters, not as a number. So: 2 stories of epic dragon butt was thrown aside as effortlessly as the ugliest plushie ever." should be "two stories..."
Additionally, as much as I see why he is shoved face first into the ground, Dude can't possibly both do that and get up in time to see the effects of the shots, considering the fact that this sounds like a superpowered rail gun and it would take less than a second for it to reach that mountaintop, less time than it would take to get back up and turn around to see the effect of the shot.
And that railgun is seriously superpowered, those things are powerful, but throwing away something as huge as a dragon by the mere shockwave of it's passing, that's past everyday railguns and up into Mass Effect railguns and those are space ship weapons that hits with energy measured in atomic bombs. This scene, for the more physically inclined, would work better if you had the coin actually hit the dragon, smacking into him so hard that he falls into the snow and then writing it so it is the sonic boom and the boom of the impact that wakes the nightmares.
Yeah, the long review means I like the fic. I don't put in the energy to complain about things I don't like so take it as a compliment to your skills that this fic has enough impact that I rant. Great work, I'm keeping an eye on this.
Happy writing.
Gah! Here i was thinking you abandoned this fic after one chapter and it turns out my stupid phone didn't 'fave' properly!
Time to get reading.
Hey I remember this was complete. Stupid browser fave properly damm you.
Going to read the hell out of this one.
Damn not a crossover.
Finally got this off my Read Later list and on to my Favorites list! I'm interested to see where you're going with this.
4828319 Oh, right, Shina Dark! That was the name of the manga this reminded me of.
any eta onto the next update?
4650450
-Cue a panoramic shot of a frost-locked land, frozen over, save for the thousand points of light illuminating the land, a massive, crystalline structure dominating the middle of the area, and the un-frozen human, standing in place, confidently grinning as he points his sword of purest black and condensed awesomeness at his foe, adorned in the regalia befitting the Pony Ruler of Darkness. He utters only one sentence to his foe, yet, it carries all the weight of a full blown speech.-
"Do you have enough weapons, King of Order?"
That last part need some work I think...
making bladders tight
Ewww... you made Ahuizotl a competent villain.
Ewww.
This makes me hate "Daring Don't" even more, because it made him a 'real' person and thus made this scenario possible.
The error can never be undone. It cannot be retconned without stating that everything after "Castle Mania" was just the dream of an autistic pony stuck in a snow globe that had a magical curse from purgatory.
Ewww.
My brother can play that.
I know you have a great fondness for butt jokes, but really now it's time to get your rump in gear and move the plot along! *rimshot!*
Eh? Eh?
*Alondro is beaten to death by an angry mob sick of butt jokes*
Hello general of the Crystal Empire's military.
Fucking Railgun.
This is officially the hypest shit on fimfiction.