The God Emperor of Ponykind And His Long and Tight Genes - Part 1
'Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, tickets sold out' the poster announced. I smirked to myself as I continued on my way to work. Has that evil dark lord ever gotten 1000 virgins as a sacrifice? Or saved them all and earned their smiles and cheers? To the noise of dubstep no less? Alright, they were virgin mares, and technically they kind of saved themselves, and, to top it all off, it was just a dream. I chuckled to myself. Still, see any other dark lord get to do all that and be as awesome as I was. In. My. Sleep. Hah.
I wish I had a pair of shades so I can say that again, twice as cool.
It was just another day in good ol' real life. The concrete world and its bleeding heart cries out for help at every corner. Me? I was one of those who had to briskly walk on, ignoring the homeless and beggars on the street. I told myself it's because I actually had even less money than them with 12000 pounds in debt with 200 pounds on my overdraft, because I don't have the time in between juggling my two part time jobs and chasing my dreams of one day hitting a stage in a west end theatre, that 2 hours in the soup kitchens every weekend was enough.
Haha, it almost feels like having enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic twice is a requirement to be a great dramatic hero these days. And hey, I'm not even trying. Still, I wasn't one to lug it all around with me. I'm alive, I have my health, I'm free too, which, come to think of it, was more than those poor mares in my dream had. I guess my only real regret is not being able to do more for the world at large. I mean, I live in a first world country for macaroon's sake and I still see crud happening in my very own streets.
I have these moments sometimes, times when I wish I could wrap up the whole world in a big warm blanket and whisper to it that everything will be alright. A strange, fierce possessiveness, a protectiveness, that I wish I could channel somehow, someway. Yeah, call me a sap, an idyllic dreamer, a naive bleeding heart. I've heard it all. But that's just what I am. And I tell you, there's nothing worse to me than that feeling of helplessness as I watch the world's cries for help go unheeded. I felt so powerless, so impotent, before the despair and desperation that plagued those who deserved better, much better.
I told myself that once I earn enough I'll be able to settle down, raise a family and do enough charity to channel out all those urges. Still, at the time it looked about as realistic as a trip to the moon. Possible, just impossibly difficult, if you know what I mean.
It bordered on selfish sometimes, this odd urge of mine. Perhaps all I wanted was to be useful to somebody, anybody. More importantly, I wanted people to depend on me, me and only me, as twisted and self-centered as that sounded. What's it called again? Messiah complex? Sometimes I wonder if I needed to get my head checked. Yeah, I probably did.
The thought brought me back to last night's dream again. My grand stage, my kickass performance, the beautiful theatrics and my truly awesome backstage team, all of it played itself out in my head. And, most importantly, I got to forge a safe haven for an entire nation of deprived, hapless victims of a world gone mad. For a brief but brilliant moment, I was needed. And it was beyond wonderful.
I was smiling a little manically all the way to work. Ah, there it was, another reason to smile. I'm getting my promotion today. Up from pizza delivery dude to delivery department superintendent dude. Not much, but it meant less running around in the rain rushing to chase the 20 minute deadlines, less staying past my shifts, more money, and more time to my dreams. I might even get a bonus, one that would go wonderfully towards covering that overdraft. Hey, who said real life can't be awesome sometimes?
"....he was your father, wasn't he?" My boss said, setting the newspaper down on his desk. As much as I tried to avert my eyes from it, I couldn't help but read the headlines, upside down even.
"Mass Murdering Gang Lord Killed in Shootout.".
"I....never knew him, sir." I said, eyes cast down. It was the truth, I didn't. As far as I was concerned, I only shared his name. It was a mark I carried upon me like a curse, one that would hound me to the end of my days. I grit my teeth. Not now. Don't be a father to me now of all times.
"My....condolensces for your loss." My boss said without the slightest hint of feeling behind it, slowly getting up from his chair and patting me rather gruffly on the shoulder, all while subtly steering me towards his door, "Ah, and what we discussed earlier, you know, the superintendent thing..." He cleared his throat uncomfortably.
My heart was already sinking. No, please, you can't, you can't take that away....
"....please forget we ever had that discussion." He said, opening the door for me, "I hope you understand."
The door closed on me before I could say anything. You can't. You couldn't. I needed that.
"Hey, guess what, Mr. Superintendent." A loathsome voice trilled.
"I don't know, what?" I asked, innocuously, as I turned away from the one person I didn't want to meet that day, the guy whose entire life's goal seemed to be making my life at work a living hell.
"I'm a superintendant too." He chuckled, "Oh, but wait, there can only be one of us so....oooops, sorry."
And I'd say he achieved his goal, marvellously. Oh bravo.
"Tell you what, before you head out for the day, you can sort out these bills from last night's runs." He said, throwing a pile of notes in my face.
"...Sure." I said, being careful not to glower.
"Can't hear you, ex-next-superintendent."
"Yes, boss." I gritted my teeth.
"Good boy. Keep it up and I might let you make my coffee." He patted me on my cheek and walked on.
I wanted something, anything, to take my attention away from the seething, raging roaring feeling of injustice in my heart. And my wish was granted. I noticed something, a papercut on one of my fingers, courtesy of the bills in my hands. Great, just great. As if I....wait....
It didn't hurt.
I frowned as I peered at it. Then, feeling madly courageous, I bit it.
It still didn't hurt.
"The point is....you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"
"Oh...." I murmured. "Thanks, Ms. Sparkle." Then I fell.
My entire world spun. A spiral of darkness consumed everything. It was a darkness I welcomed with all my heart. Take me, just take me now. Anywhere, anywhere but here.
There's normally some ceremony to waking up in an alien world. There'd be the bleary eyes, the fuzzy vision, the wondering, the disorientation, the more realistic concerns regarding the state of one's bladder, that sort of thing. Me? I got to go from sleep to hissy-screaming-waking-nightmare in less than a second. At least I didn't have to worry about my bladder anymore
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!" I screamed at the pair of bigger-than-life cerulean orbs that were but half-an-inch away from my eyes. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!" I shrieked like a pansy again. "AAAAaaaaa....aaaaa....a." My cries finally died down, giving away into hysterical panting.
"Master is unfortunately very alive, nurse Redheart." The pair of orbs announced. "You can keep the suppositories for later."
"Aww...well, I guess there will be plenty of opportunities later." I saw a pure white pony with a candy-floss-pink mane turn away out of the corner of my eye. I even spotted the mark on her flank, a red cross surrounded by hearts.
Wait, what, what opportunities?! Hey!
If I had my wits about me then I would have considered my luck before these alleged suppositories became necessary. But I didn't because there were a few pounds of pony lying on top of me, pinning me to something that was thankfully soft and warm.
"I will leave you two to it then. I'll come back later when you're done." The nurse pony said. I heard a door somewhere close, presumably behind her.
Leave us to what?! Done with what?! Does this have something to do with the pony on top of me?! It does, doesn't it?!
I did my best to voice my concerns about our rather uncomfortable proximity and my discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up as clearly and coherently as I could.
"Holy son of a submariner." I cried "Crystal Heart. What. The. Fuck."
"You are perhaps concerned about our rather uncomfortable proximity. Your discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up is duly noted." Crystal Heart said, continuing to peer deep into my eyes.
Dammit, Crystal Heart. I'm only going to get used to thinking that, aren't I?
"You will get used to this, I assure you." She said.
Dammit dammit dammit.
"Is this a pony thing?" I finally asked after a lengthy and rather awkward pause. Any amount of time having a little pony lying on top of you is awkward, come to think of it.
"No, it is a Crystal Heart thing. Though I suppose it can be a pony thing to some ponies with their special someponies." Crystal Heart said. This took me a while to process, but a very very short time to blush at. Crystal Heart didn't seem to care for my blushing as she went on, "I am simply completing your registration as the Crystal Emperor and attuning the synchronization between us.
"Does it have to be done in this position?" I asked, "Or any position, for that matter?" I quickly added.
"Yes. I decided it would be best to take advantage of you while you were unconscious." She said, calmly.
That sounded so ho-...I mean, wrong. The wrong sort of wrong.
"My consent is not necessary here, I take it?" I raised a suspicious eyebrow.
"It is consensual if you cannot say 'no'." She replied, simply. That didn't help my suspicions at all.
And before I was able to retort, she shut me up. With a kiss. I suppose it was a kiss. I mean, putting lips together might mean something entirely different in equine culture and aspiring dimensional travelers should not be too hasty in jumping to conclus-aaaaaaaahitsakissitsakissitsakissitaskissitaskiitonguetonguetonguetonguetongue!
.....
Huh. It was kinda nice, actually.
But just as I settled into it, even considering giving as good as I received in the sudden surge of the moment, she pulled back. Before I could ask her what just happened, she rolled off me and gracefully landed on all fours on the ground beside my bed.
I just kissed a pony. Or, rather, a pony just kissed me. Full on the lips. There was even tongue involved. And before I could even ask her what the flying macaroons was wrong with her or why that was actually kinda hot, I found her smacking her lips thoughtfully, murmuring, "Hmmm,"
"Liked that, did you?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Very interesting genes you have, Master." She remarked, licking her lips.
"That was the hottest pillow talk I've ever heard." I muttered. "One player to another." I tipped an invisible hat to her.
"If it were me I would do without a lot of this junk data. Despite the complex back and forth information storage, it is so very limited." She went on.
"Hey, are you dissing my genes?" I demanded. "My parents worked really hard at it, you know."
"I am not 'dissing' your genes. I am simply stating that it is primitive and limited." She replied.
"So you are dissing it." I crossed my arms indignantly. "You telling me pony genes are sexier than my long, tight DNA?"
"Try building a genetic framework that allows for multiple and very varied subspecies capable of interbreeding and still producing viable offspring without mis-expressing multiple phenotypes or completely losing entire genotypes through generations of interbreeding." She rambled.
Silence. ".....shall I get you some laxatives?" I finally offered, very kindly.
She rolled her eyes, "When a mommy pegasus and a daddy unicorn buck....are you with me so far?" She asked, testily. "Or do you need pictures?"
"Absolutely mesmerized with you, Crystal Heart, dear." I said, turning onto my front and kicking my feet up into the air daintily. "I love it when you talk dirty to me."
"It takes a lot of work to make sure they can still make foalies and don't accidentally produce a pegasus with a horn." She said, valiantly ignoring my quips. "There is of course further complexities with regards to the variety in coat and mane colours, but we can peruse that further when you graduate into kindergarten and learn more about colours."
"So you were an accident?" I asked, pointing at her horn and wings. "A very beautiful accident, might I add."
"No, I am also part earth pony. And this was by design." She said, simply. She offered no further explanation so I decided not to press her any further. Partly because I had a more pressing question.
"Did you just kiss me?" I asked, pointedly.
"You have good priorities, Master. Or does information travel through your head at different speeds?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "I was simply extracting samples of genetic material. Though if your ego may benefit from it you may interpet it otherwise."
"Did I say 'yes'?"
"You didn't say 'no'."
"Did you have to kiss me?"
"Would you rather I suck your marrow? Arguably easier, yes."
"Why is it I am very very suddenly very okay with you kissing me?"
"That is inevitable. Irresistibility is a hard-wired feature."
"Oh, that's alright then." I filed that under 'Crystal Heart's trolling me again' as I fell back on my pillow with a pomf. In all seriousness though, I wasn't as bothered by that kiss as much as my conscience demanded me to be. It was definitely something to think about, perhaps once I've had some coffee to oil the ol' gears.
Do they have coffee machine here? Heck, do they even have coffee? Oh god, the real nature of this nightmare has just revealed itself to me, a world without coffee!
I slowly regarded my as-yet-coffeeless world. It had 4 walls of smooth, polished royal crimson crystalline paneling, one of which was curved all along its length and bore a a series of ceiling-high tapering windows opening out into a wide balcony of sorts. Beyond the sea of stars glimmered behind a majestic curtain of northern lights. Above the ceiling spiraled into a massive crystal cupola bearing more windows and an impressive diamond-clear crystal chandelier. It was a bedroom, a very magnificent one, decked with all manner of slightly mismatched fancy furniture that had no doubt been gathered through one bloody conquest after another. There was even an entire liquor bar along one wall holding an entire selection of millenia old liqueur. But like all bedrooms, the main dominating feature was the bed.
You know, this bed is quite soft. And massive. I'd go so far as to call it Emperor-size. And only partly out of my ego-tripping, because this bed really did make King-size beds look like baby cots. It was love at first sight. I could shun most luxuries, but I was not one to ditch on quality sleep, and this baby promised express tickets to dreamland.
"Is this...my bed?" I asked, turning over and doing snowangels on the soft smooth (is this silk?!) covers. "It's massive!"
"Yes, it is a 'herd-size bed'. By definition it must be massive." Crystal Heart said.
"Herd...size?" I blinked, sitting up abruptly. "Why...is it called that?" I asked, apprehension rising.
She gave me her usual impatient look, "Because it is built to support a stallion and his entire herd. Though in the case of your predecessor, 10 of his herd at a time."
"...." Eww. Ewwww. Like, eeeeeeeww! "Please tell me you washed this?" I pleaded.
"The last laundry day was Friday. One thousand years ago." She replied. I swear I'm going to start hating that number.
I've never gotten out of bed quicker, including someone else's. Yet another personal record.
And thusly me and my bed's brief tryst came to an abrupt end as the sordid truth came to light. It was never meant to last. It's alright, bed, I'll still sleep with you at least. Once you've had a wash off course. A very thorough wash, with some industrial grade bleach.
As I stood I felt an odd draft in the genes. I looked down and found the universe basking in my unadulterated unfestooned glory, reveling just as it did on the day I was born. And what a glorified draft it was.
Yes, waking up with all my clothes gone. I found myself on more familiar ground. Now, the question is 'why'. I looked up at Crystal Heart.
Then it hit me with all the force of the obvious express. The answer was staring me in the face, and it was one that caused me to fidget uncomfortably. Crystal Heart, and, in fact, every single pony I had encountered thus far, were as naked as the day they were born. Which was fine before because, hey, they were just ponies, just....animals....?
....except they aren't animals. They are very much sentient, very very much human, or equine or whatever it is you could call them. And they were female. And they were very naked. I am totally not drawing mental comparisons to nudist communes. I am certainly not finding this hot in the slightest. No siree.
Okay, maybe just a warm niggle, that's all.
You know what? I don't know why I'm having such a hissy fit of this. This was obviously a cultural norm. Yes, that's all it is. And being the open-minded individual I would embrace these norms like a real man, and, trust me, men don't get any realer than this. Hands on my hips, my glory basking in the draft or whatever, I do an experimental hip thrust to establish how secure I felt. Hmmm, yes, security and peace of mind.
....
Yeah, no. Where are my jeans, dammit.
"Analysis complete." Crystal Heart announced. "Your genes will do." She even rolled her tongue over the word for emphasis.
Not only are you doing that Crys-troll mind trick again, you're using my own bad puns against me! Dammit times infinite, Crystal Heart!
"Yay?" I venture, weakly, quickly fashioning myself a bed sheet toga, trying not to imagine where the sheets might have been 1000 years ago.
"Yay indeed." Crystal Heart nodded in agreement.
"Look, Crystal Heart, I appreciate your constant and very subtle hints at pimping me out, I really do. It's sweet." I finally sigh, "But if I didn't know any better, I'd think you weren't jealous at all. I thought you loved me. I'm hurt, Crystal Heart." I said in mock-hurt. Point was, I can, in a twisted sort of way, understand the cold logic behind her thinking. But that's all it was, cold logic, without a thought spared to, well, all the warmer living bits of meat. Like me.
"The Empire is not a capitalist society, Master, it is a tyranny. We do not 'pimp', we 'partake'." Crystal Heart said, simply. "And....I...I did not mean it that way..." She said quietly, suddenly turning away.
"Huh?"
"I hear Redheart returning." She quickly said, ears twitching, as she trotted off towards the door to let the nurse back in. Before I could ask her about the abrupt topic change I was interrupted by a voice at the door.
"Good, Crystal Heart is done with you." The snow-white nurse pony from earlier peeked in, giving me a little bow of her head. She had a very catch name, what was it? Oh yes, the mark. Nurse Redheart? "Your lordship, I forgot to mention, you must keep your bandaging dry and clean. If you make a mess of it then do call me immediately. Now, I must return to the others." Then without another word, she disappeared. It must be a multiversal nurse thing, to be stern yet caring, brief yet thorough.
Bandages? I reached up to where I remember the cut to my face was. My fingers quickly found the bandaging as well as smarting pain.
It hurts.
This is going to become old real fast, but yeah, this isn't a dream. Buck my life this isn't a dream.
"This isn't a dream, Master." This coming from a little brightly coloured pony with an oversized head and eyes and cute little hooves made for the most surreal image ever. "This is very, very real."
I stood in silence for a while as I let that sink in like the flaming husk of the Hindenburg. Everything I did came back to mind, everything from (cringe) eat a 1000 year old spell to (double cringe) give a crazy inquisition the flaming finger of doom to (oh double macaroons on fire) ruining a little pony for marriage. The only thing I haven't done is pop bubble wrap with her horn, and that's only because I haven't found any bubble wrap. I am so going to the local rainbow-farting-equivalent of hell for this. And to be fair things were already heading there in a handbasket, strapped to a runaway over-inflated whoopee cushion.
"What you are experiencing is post-summoning disorientation. Do not worry, I am sure nopony will notice any lasting brain damage." Crystal Heart reassured me.
"I don't think I will either. I feel quite overwhelmed..." I said, shaking my head. "I don't think 1000 year old spells sit well with nachos and ice cream."
"Don't worry, Master, I will be right there to help you." Crystal Heart said.
"With my very promising 1000 year old bowel motion or with things in general?" I ask, "I'm not judging you or anything, but it's just not my thing."
"As loathe as I am to say this considering the image you just conjured, I'm afraid I am at your disposal for absolutely anything you wish, Master." Crystal Heart replied. "Jokes aside, I live only to serve you, my Master." She said, suddenly solemn, "You have my word, Crystal Heart shall stand by you. Come fire or rain, gods or demons, I am your ever loyal assistant."
"..." I sigh, kneeling down to give Crystal Heart a thorough ruffle of her mane. She only eyed me blankly at first, before slowly closing her eyes. I even heard a little sigh escape her lips. "Thanks, Crystal Heart. That means a lot to me, especially now." I smile. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. "Now, I need to ask, can I give you new directives?"
"Before or after 'Plots, Lots of Plots, and Dat Plot?'" She asked, cocking her head to one side with my hand still resting on her mane. Why does she look so tooth-achingly cute when she does that?
"This one will be your most important directive." I said, giving her a firm look, "No matter what happens. Even after I'm gone, should I be replaced by the next pizza dude in line to the throne, I want you to keep this one."
"Very well." She gave a little nod, "I am prepared to hardwire your directive, Master."
"Anything you do, do it only because you want to." I said, "That includes your orders and duties to the Empire."
"...I..." She blinked, her usual cool expression suddenly melting into one of surprise. "I do not understand. I have only one desire." She murmured, looking down, the confused turmoil evident on her face, "That is to serve the Crystal Empire."
"And that's alright, but only if that is what you yourself truly want to do." I grinned, ruffling her mane gently,
"I...Master...." She murmured, uncertainly.
Her words were interrupted as a radiant cerulean glow almost blinded us. The light slowly receded to reveal a glowing little sphere of prismatic light floating gently in between us, trailing little flickers of iridescent light.
"That was fast." Crystal Heart murmured, before nodding at me, "Please go ahead, Master. Take it. It is yours by right."
I gave her a questioning look but reached out and closed my hand around the glow. It felt warm, so incredibly warm and comforting to touch, like cupping my hands over a dandelion warmed by the light of spring. Then, just like a dandelion, the light dispersed around my fingers in little flecks of crystalline light.
I felt a weight in my hand. I opened it curiously and found something gleaming in my palm. My heart almost melted at the sight of cute little thing. It was a miniature figure of Crystal Heart, striking a pose, best hoof forwards, wings raised as if ready to take flight. Except her coat and mane gleamed as if the figure had been very finely carved out of a single heart of cool sapphire.
It was a little pony of a little pony. How Inception is that?
"So, who cut the budget on the special effects?" I ask, "I'd expect you to at least shine like a disco ball and ascend spiralling into the air, eyes glowing brightly and ominously with a creepy smile before you poop out your mini-self in a torrent of rainbows."
"We like our magic simple and straight to the point, like a hoof to the face." Crystal Heart said, "You wouldn't ask a hoof planted deep in your face to have more special effects, would you, Master?"
"Crystal Heart, I think I have a hard-on." I said, eyeing the figure almost lasciviously, causing her no end of discomfort, I'm sure. "What is this thing I'm falling hopelessly in love with?"
"This, Master, is an MLP." She replied, simply.
"Giving it an acronym does not help my boner." I point out. "What does it stand for, My Little Pony?"
She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Very funny, Master. No, it stands for Magic Linker Peripheral."
I stare at her blankly. "That doesn't justify my raging hard-on. You suck at naming things. It's My Little Pony from now on." I decide, "So, what does this My Little Pony do? Other than look really pretty?"
"It's a proof of our provisional contract, Master, of my becoming your most humble and loyal retainer." She explained, patiently.
"Careful, last person to use 'humble and loyal' on me ended up being ruined for marriage and was left lying in a corner." I warned.
"Kinky." Crystal Heart remarked, deadpan expression strong as ever, "This is a function exclusive to the Emperor. It forms when somepony's feelings of love, hope, loyalty, faith, <insert alternative manner of sap here>, towards you grows strong enough to qualify them as your loyal follower. This is also assuming you're open to having them as a close follower. The contract will form automatically as long as you are on Crystal Empire soil." She explained, patiently. "We'll get to permanent and eternal contracts when the time comes. And you weren't listening to me, where you?"
"Not really." I reply, "All I heard was 'I love you, Dude'."
"My loyalty to you is only natural, Master. After all, I am your Empire. My MLP appearing was only a matter of completing your registration as Emperor." She waved an indifferent hoof. "That I become the first of your retinue was to be expected. Nopony else would give you their unswerving loyalty this easily." She blustered.
"Awww, I love you too, Crystal Heart." I patted my assistant who only shot a glowering look back at me in reply. "But retinue and retainer's kinda ten apocalypses ago. I'm the dark Overdude. Let's go with 'pawns'"
"No, Knights." She surprised me. It seemed she felt quite strongly about the naming.
"Minions." I mused aloud.
"Paladins." She said.
"Underlings?" I suggested.
"Crusaders." She said with a tone of finality, as if concluding the negotiations.
"Hey, I like that." I snapped a finger at the idea, "The Dark Overdude and the Marked Crusaders of Darkness. Yeah, that works." I grinned, poking the MLP on the flank idly.
"What, I ask, are you doing to little me, Master?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, so it's not a voodoo doll." I sighed in mock disappointment. "I demand a refund."
"It's payable in pity." Crystal Heart mock-sympathized with me.
"I mean, imagine, I could make you, I don't know, smile." I said with a grin.
"You need only order me, Master." She said, without making any effort at the actual task.
"Eh, I'd rather leave that order up to your feelings." I said with a grin. I may or may not have imagined her blush as she looked away. I didn't get to find out as she very quickly froze.
"Twilight Sparkle, incoming." She muttered to herself. "Initiating power-conservation mode stealth protocol." She announced to nobody in general before dropping to her belly and crawling....yes, crawling under the bed. "Stealth achieved. Activating silent running." Her muffled voice came up from below. Then silence.
"..." I didn't get much time to ponder the strange behaviour before a knock sounded on the door. Ah, that must be what she meant. I fought to suppress a grin as I called out, "Come in, Ms. Sparkle."
"Oh, that was almost scary, your lordship." The now familiar lavender form of Twilight Sparkle peeked into the room. "How did you figure out it was me?"
"Overdude sense. I can smell the scent of heart-stopping beauty and bookish nerds coming a mile away." I give her a mysterious smile as I tapped my temple. "Come in and close the door before you let all the awesome out of the room." I invited her in.
"I'm sorry for interrupting...." She peered around, "Oh, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I thought you were talking to someone?" She asked, noticing my best friends, Thin Air and Lonely Ness.
"Oh, just Crystal Heart." I said, before jolting a little as I felt a little maw of doom clamp around my ankle by the bed. "....whoooo you just missed." I breathed through the pain, "I...I sent her off to get me a chamber pot big enough for me. You know, overdude size." I felt the grip about my ankle tighten. I had to fight to not let the wince reach my face. "I haven't gone in 1000 years after all." I explained, shaking my ankle violently until it was free of the jaws of death herself.
"Aww...that's a pity. I've been wanting to study he-...I mean, talk to her. Oh, the thought of a sentient magical artifact! All the things she must know!" There was a dangerous glimmer in the mare's eyes. I felt something underneath my bed quiver. Suddenly I feared for my dear Crystal Heart. "I'm sure I'll get a chance to take her apa-....take her for a chat later." She said, before suddenly snapping to attention. "Oh, sorry, your lordship, for barging in." She curtsied to me once more, "It is good to see you awake and well, my lord."
"Enough with the 'lord' thing already, Ms. Sparkle." I said, waving a hand at her. "Or I'm going to need a bigger chamber pot. And some mint. Hmm....mint."
"You can call me Twilight, my lord." She said, head still bowed low.
"And you and all the others can just call me 'Dude'." I said, "Rise before you find something embarrassing in the carpet, jeez."
"Umm....actually, that's something I wanted to bring up with you, my lord." Twilight said, finally rising.
"Look, whatever you found in the carpet is most probably 1000 years old and most definitely wasn't mine. I haven't had any in 1000 years, okay?" I said, quickly. "Sunset Shimmer wasn't even foreplay."
"N-no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything of the sort, my lord." Twilight quickly said, looking sincerely guilty. I actually felt bad for a moment. Looks like a crash course on dude humour will be high on the agenda. "If I may continue calling you that? Please, I will explain why that is a must."
Seeing the serious look in her eyes I give a little nod and invite her to speak, "Alright, please, tell me what's on your mind."
"Thank you, my lord. Now, allow me to start by saying, Sunset Shimmer may have, sort of, filly-napped us, but I have given her actions today a lot of thought." She paused to give me a look, "Her means may not have been the best, but her ends were justifiable."
"What? Making you all my personal harem?" I blink. "Just cause it's hot doesn't mean it's right."
"N-no, not quite." Twilight shook her head quickly, "I meant creating a sanctuary for all of us ponies in Equus."
"You guys could have gone for some nice hot tropical beach or cool shadowy forest glade, but no, you had to go where even my usually hot balls almost got frozen off." I said, "Let me guess, there's a reason she had to come all the way out here to summon a dark overlord from this frozen hell."
She took a deep breath, as if preparing to drop the bomb. "We're not running from just anypony, we're running from a god."
And the bomb dropped, and it rained pennies. I sighed deeply. "So...this A-Whose-Snot guy really is a god?" I ask, dreading the first of the penny storm.
"Not just any god, lord Ahuizotl is this world's most powerful being. He moves the very sun and moon. He commands the Elements of Order. He wears the very fabrics of reality as if it were his cloak." Twilight said. I didn't need to ask her if this was for real. The haunted look in her eyes was telling enough. "There is no hiding from the sun or the moon, or from reality itself."
"To counter hell, we build our own." I mutter, "You needed a dark overlord as a nuclear deterrent at the very least."
Her eyes lit up at this. It was like watching the last beautiful sunrise before it started raining frogs. "Yes, yes, and we finally have one!" Twilight said, excitedly. "With you here we can finally stand a chance! We can save everypony! We can deliver ponykind!"
Deliver? What irony. Girl, all you got to deliver you all is the pizza delivery dude. 20 minutes or it's free, tips welcome.
That feeling of powerlessness loomed once more like Vesuvius over Pompeii. This was beyond Twilight needing to call me her lord. She needed a god. These ponies needed a god, a god greater than this Who-snot, who could keep them safe from him not just here, but in their minds as well. And unfortunately, the ugly reality of it is, all they got is me, the pizza delivery dude with a messiah complex.
"What...what's wrong?" Twilight asked, face suddenly dropping as she raised an uncertain hoof towards me, "Are you alright, my lord?" I gritted my teeth as I turned away, not able to face her hopeful eyes, her expectant gaze.That was when my eyes drifted down from hers and fell upon a dark patch around her neck where the fur was just the slightest bit off-colour. Is that...?
She seemed to notice me starring as she quickly turned away. "S-Sorry, m-my lord, I didn't mean to show this, I should have thought of a way to cover it up."
Is that what I think it is? I could feel something else rise deep within. A much stronger feeling, a simmering anger, threatening to boil with protective fury. "What is that, Twilight?" I asked, quietly, almost struggling to hold it in. "Please, tell me." I had to know, at the risk of exploding with righteous wrath.
"This was...where I wore my yoke and bit my whole life. It's the mark of all hoofers." She whispered, eyes cast down, "From the day we were born, Sunset Shimmer and I....until the day we gained these marks."
"You....grew up together?" I asked, weakly, for want of something to say.
"I-it's.....a long story." She whispered, "Her father w-was an inquisitor. Her mother was marked when she...when she gave birth to Sunny." Twilight breathed, her voice barely audible.
"He didn't..." I growled under my breath. I had very quickly gathered what happened to those who developed these marks. It did not leave much to imagine what happened next.
"He w-watched her...watched her burn at the stake. H-Her last wish was that he s-spare Sunny. He entrusted Sunny to my mother. Then he...he....he....." It was monotone narrative, as if what emotions she had of the memories had long since drained away. But her empty voice, her eyes were anything but. They were gazing elsewhere, wide-eyed with horror as if reliving a waking nightmare.
"Twilight, it's alright, you don't have to..." I said quickly, but the mare wasn't listening. She was trapped in another place, another time entirely.
"Sunny grew up with me...u-until one day somepony spread lies about us b-being marked. When the inquisition came she...she ran and led them away. I...I thought I had lost her until...until she came to take me...take me here...." She was quivering uncontrollably by this point.
That was it. I had to wake her up. I reached out. I pulled her into the tightest embrace I dared give. "Enough." I said, "Enough of that." It was all I could say. What words could comfort such haunted eyes, such heart-wrenching memories, such a vivid waking nightmare? She gave a little gasp, tensing up under my hold at first. But then she allowed herself to lean into me, releasing a few quiet sniffles of relief as she slowly returned to the present. "Are you back?" I whispered.
"Yes...sorry..." She gathered enough of herself to plough on. "Please....you saved us once already....you made us mere hoofers do the impossible." She pleaded, breaking down into hiccuped sniffling. I could see the desperation in her eyes. She wanted to believe. She wanted to believe so much it hurt. "Please....with your help....we can find a way to make this all okay...I know it...I'm sure of it..." It was the voice of a creature who had lived her entire life enslaved by desperation and fear, of one who was ready to grasp onto any sliver of hope, no matter how impossibly remote the chances.
As I held her, staring at her shoulders as if searching for an answer, I saw them. I felt them. They stared back at me like serpentine eyes, slitted windows into an ugly past. Scars, hiding beneath her soft lavender fur. As she said, there were those from bone-breaking wear and tear under the yoke. But there were more. Whip marks, deep lashes, lots of them, cruel and merciless, so deep the fur above never grew back the same.
Damn. You. A-Who-Its-Not. God da-....no, not here, not in this world. No, it's Me. It's Me damn you. Me. Damn. You.
If I have to rise and become a greater god than you to smite you and damn you to the deepest pits of whatever rainbow-farting hell they have around here again and again for every whip mark, every little bruise and scrape I find upon my little ponies, then so be it, I will not become just any god. I will become the god emperor of ponykind, so help me, me.
Should I even stop to consider what it takes? If all it took to become a god around here was to be the biggest jerk in the land then I'm already over-qualified. Heck, maybe that's all there is to it.
I chuckle to myself bitterly. None of that mattered. Twilight does. She and her ponies. For them I must be whatever they need me to be. For their sake, I had to at the very least, yes, roll with it.
I could have given her an encouraging little speech. I could have told her that if with the power of 1000 ponies I could be a badass frickin' overdude, with all of this world behind me I could be their god emperor of ponykind. I could have told her how I would not only protect them day and night, I would vanquish their every fears to the deepest pits of hell. I'm an actor, I could do all of that with ease.
But fancy monologues were something I'd leave for my enemies. No, for her, I will not speak. I will act.
Besides, Twilight is a strong girl. One look told me that much. She's already survived her life of absolute hopeless misery on macaroons-knows-what godlike strength of will and determination. She didn't need to be saved. She didn't need to be mollycoddled, patronized, to be told everything will be alright. No, she was the one to do the saving. She sought me out here when she could be sitting patiently like the others because she needed to act, because she was ready to take things into her own hands. Or hooves.
As presumptuous as it may sound, I'd go as far as saying she was like me. She wanted, needed to act, to save her race, her world. She simply thinks herself powerless. But with the 'badass frickin' overdude' behind her, she felt had a chance.
Who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
"Twilight." I said, holding her steady by her shoulders as I gave her what I suppose was a determined look. "This evil overdude's got a lot of flank to kick, but I'm kind of new to the neighbourhood. I'm going to need somebody to aim my righteous flank-kicking in the right direction. I'm going to need your help." I smile at her, releasing her shoulders and offering her a hand, "Can I count on you to guide my way, Twilight Sparkle?"
"My lord...." She quickly wiped away her tears before giving me a determined smile, taking my hand in both her hooves tightly. "My hooves are yours." As simple and straightforward as I knew she'd be. "I-I'm sorry...for that display. I-I don't know what came over me."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I returned her smile as I got up, "Now, let us..." I was interrupted as a fierce flash of bright lilac light claimed my vision. When I finally managed to blink out the spots from my eyes a little lilac orb of light bobbed in the air before me.
This is going to take some getting used to.
"My lord, what is that?" Twilight asked, cocking her head to one side.
"A little proof of our partnership." I reply, taking hold of the little orb of light. Sure enough, my hand clasped around a little figurine of Twilight, standing solemn yet determined, gleaming like a million-faceted amethyst. I showed it to her.
"It's cute...." She murmured, eyeing her miniature self, before blushing furiously, "I-I meant that in an entirely non-narcissistic and absolutely un-weird way!"
"Crystal Heart tells me this makes you one of the Marked Crusaders of Darkness." I explained, before I was interrupted by yet another flash of light.
This time another orb, this one flickering with flames as black as midnight with an eerie greenish and purple glow, descended trailing shadowy embers. Sheesh, talk about colour-coding for convenience.
"That's new..." I murmur as it descended straight towards Twilight.
Twilight gulped before slowly reaching out and grasping it. The light died away on cue, leaving behind yet another little figurine.
This time it was a humanoid figure cloaked in flaming black, seemingly roughly hewn out of jet black onyx, its back set against a beautifully carved 8-sided diamond star. It was the splitting 3-dimensional image of Twilight's mark. As for the humanoid figure, it was one of a rather unsightly, hideous, and repulsive-looking creature with muffin-like bed hair that seemed ready to devour entire worlds. As if to top it all off, it was wearing the most ridiculous grin ever, as if regarding the entire universe as one big joke.
"And....I guess that one's yours." I said, scratching my head. I wonder why Crystal Heart didn't get one?
I could have sworn I heard a faint sniffle from somewhere.
I watched as Twilight appraised the little thing, turning it this way and that as if admiring the light gleaming off its prismatic onyx surface. "That's an MLP." I explained.
"Lemme guess!" She said brightly, "My Little Prince?"
"....Close enough. We'll figure out what it does later" I said, realizing I hadn't even asked Crystal Heart what these did other than look pretty....or hideous. That was fast, I muse. I hadn't expected for another provisional contract to form this quickly. Shouldn't new party members join once every arc or something? Then again, I'm in a land of talking rainbow-coloured ponies, why should I expect anything to follow common sense, let alone dramatic convention? Plus Crystal Heart did mention that there were permanent and eternal contracts which were presumably more involved and more difficult to forge. Besides, I was more concerned about the fact that Twilight's MLP had appeared. This meant she was ready to give me her unswerving loyalty. But...based on what? A half-baked determination backed by mere bravado?
'I should have thought this through a little more' I sighed to myself as I looked outside the nearest ceiling-height crystal window. The aurora borealis glowed magnificently against the galaxy that was the night sky outside. "How long was I out?" I ask, quickly remembering how I had fainted like a ninny. Going by dramatic convention I was estimating anything between 3 days to a week or something ridiculous like that.
"About 2 hours, my lord." Twilight said, affixing her little figurine to her mane, presumably for safekeeping.
"I was expecting you to tell me it's been another 1000 years." I said with a little chuckle. "In that case, what has happened since?"
"Nothing much." Twilight said, "It was getting dark so we carried you back in to the safety of this....palace place? Crystal Heart said she'd take care of you so we let her whisk you off."
"Gee, thanks." I mutter.
"The rest of us just settled into that big room we were all in." Twilight went on, "A hoofful went off exploring to look for food and water and stuff. And a few ponies trained in medicine like Redheart began looking out for and putting aside the sick ones for treatment."
"Not much then." I frowned, "I'd say we order pizza, but I don't know who'd deliver 1000 pizzas this far this late. And it's not Friday night either judging by the state of the laundry. We'll need to try and find everyone something to eat, something other than 1000 year old spells. Just how do you feed 1000 ponies anyway?" I imagined 1000 troughs end-to-end, visible from outer space like the Hadrian wall.
"What you need, my lord, is organization." Twilight said, primly, her horn glowing a bright lilac. A quill and parchment floated past me from what I suppose was my writing desk before settling into a sedate orbit around their new star, Sparkle. "And a quill and parchment. And me, but that goes without saying if I may say so."
"We all know what happened last time I tried eating parchment. I got accused of ruining a mare for marriage no more than seconds after. Now, quills and organization, I have yet to try." I turn to Twilight, "As for you, dear Twilight, I have every confidence you would taste absolutely divine."
"Err....thank you?"
I frown. I feel like my jokes are just being passed off as dark overlord peculiarities. This won't do, this won't do at all. I must do something to establish humour, and soon. Gotta get me some bubble wrap, pronto. "Either way, let's start by going down to check on the ponies in the main hall." I said, "I left my coffin parked there for 1000 years. I need to move it before it gets towed. That would be a grave situation." Oh me.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Twilight asked.
"My jeans." I reply, looking around the room.
"Are you evolving? Is it the hair? Will it spread across your whole body like fur in response to the cold? Cause you look kinda bare." Twilight said, eyes suddenly gleaming dangerously with interest as she shuffled a new piece of parchment, ready to take notes.
"....I'm going to pun hell." I mutter, finding my jeans hanging from a crystal chandelier above. "How the flute did my jeans get there?" Somehow I had the image of Crystal Heart tearing my jeans off and just tossing it high over her shoulder. Haha, that couldn't have happened, right? ...Right?
Something shifted uneasily under my bed.
"They seem to have evolved spontaneous flight." Twilight murmured to herself, scribbling, "Is this perhaps specific to dudes, I wonder."
"Maybe. I just can't seem to keep them on." I sigh as I looked around, "Going by trend, this place has 1000 ladders somewhere. I just need to find one."
A little bit of fancy lavender-flavour levitation magic saw me dressed and ready to face the world, or at the very least that bit of it that was royal apartment outside what I suppose was now my bedroom. The apartment bore the same regal decor, all crystal arches of royal violet and crimson, interspersed with tall imposing gilded double-doors on one side and a long, impressive gallery of ceiling-height windows on the other.
A scraping noise brought our attention to one side. There, slowly inching towards us across the lushly carpeted floor, was an immense black kettle fashioned in the shape of a dragon's maw.
"Your chamberpot, Master." Crystal Heart muttered, gruffly, from somewhere behind the immense pot, "This is the largest we have. I fear my efforts to safeguard this place against all manner of diarrhoea including the verbal have come short."
I wonder when she teleported away from under the bed. I certainly hope it was before Twilight broke down.
"Ooooh! Crystal Heart!" Twilight squeed with delight, "I've been wanting to speak to you!"
"..." To my surprise Crystal Heart simply looked away, ignoring Twilight without a word as she turned to face me. "I hope my attempts at toilet humour were acceptable, Master."
"You make me proud, my apprentice." I beam, ruffling her mane once more. I didn't put her down as the sort to seek my approval, but I was more than happy to oblige. She was quicker to show enjoyment this time too, closing her eyes in an expression of subtle bliss.
"I understand you wish to make haste to the grand hall. This way to the elevator." She said, trotting off ahead of us on her dainty little hooves. That was when I thought I caught sight of something mint green and fluffy peering out at me from inside the chamberpot out of the corner of my eye.
"Master, I could understand your fascination with the chamberpot. But I ask you do not ruin them for marriage too, at least not in public." Crystal Heart said, gesturing for me to hurry along. I quickly obliged, the mint green figure quickly dropping from my mind.
"This wasn't here when I climbed up." Twilight remarked as we found the elevator, a red crystal platform hovering amidst a column of pink light that seemed to extend a long way both up and down. "I had to climb all 100 flights of stairs."
"It has only just resumed full functionality." Crystal Heart said as she stepped onto the platform, gesturing for me to follow. "Please mind the gap."
"Oh, were you still gathering power for it?" Twilight asked, curious.
"No. I just felt like keeping it turned off until just now." Crystal Heart replied, curtly, as classy elevator music began playing.
Both of them seemed too busy talking to pay any attention to the fourth figure who had slunk in after us, slipping in just as what looked like a bright pink magical force field closed shut behind her. It was the mint green unicorn who had very helpfully supplied me with the list of things unicorns couldn't do (except get laid, off course). But when I tried to remember her name all my mind turned up was the blank list she gave me. Rather than having to face the awkwardness of telling her I had forgotten her name, I decided to just treat her like any other fellow elevator passenger, with very willful indifference. My pony companions seemed happy to treat her the same way so I decided to just roll with the crowd.
I sway from side to side to the rhythm of the catchy music as I pondered what to talk about. These elevator scenes demanded awkward small talk, preferably those that had no hope of delving into innuendo. I eyed the hovering seemingly holographic magical display floating in the air before me, presumably the elevator controls, for inspiration....oh, the buttons were all in characters I didn't recognize.
Well, duh, they'd be speaking a language that is about as English as escargot. They're an M&M grab-bag of horses in a magical world of crystals and airships. How I'm able to communicate with them was a bit of a mystery, but one I'm ready to take for granted. Now, the characters, presumably numbers....there was something peculiar about them...
Eh, this is as good an awkward topic as any. There was absolutely no hope in macaroons of innuendo either. "Your numerical system functions on base 5?" I asked.
"Oh? Ah, yes." Twilight quickly nodded. "Wait...did you just work that out? Do you read Equine?"
"No. But you only have 5 numbers that repeat themselves every 5 floors before adding more digits." I nod at the buttons. "Four hooves, no fingers, a quinary numerical system makes sense...at least until you attempt advanced calculus on it, at which point it will spontaneously combust very embarrassingly."
"That is....quite impressive." Twilight gave me a look of interest, "Going by your logic, judging by the fact that you have 10 fingers..."
"....which are sexy by the way, yep!" Our elevator companion spoke up for the first time. "Can you imagine what delicious things 10 fingers can do?" Oh g-..me, how did we get there from discussing numerals?
"Hmmm?" Crystal Heart and Twilight both looked around, before finally sharing a glance and shrugging together. I wonder what that was about.
"...anyway, as I was saying, I'm guessing dudes use base 11?" Twilight asked.
"No, 10 actually." I said. "There was a brief point in our history when we tried using base 11. Our mightiest empire of the time collapsed in on itself, another one almost killed itself from miscalculating the date of the apocalypse, and everybody tried to evade taxes with it. So we've stuck with decimals since."
"That makes base 10 really sexy too, yep!" The stowaway quipped, cheerfully.
"....Twilight Sparkle, I was content with the notion that you are but a simple nerd. You have proven me wrong. By the Overlord if you ever bring that onto Master's bed...." Crystal Heart muttered threateningly.
"B-but, th-that wasn't me!" Twilight squeaked, looking around, perplexed. "A-and why w-would I bring a-anything to my lord's bed?"
"Yeah, no need to bring anything. I love you all as you are." I grin, earning myself an 'eeep' from Twilight. "And Crystal Heart, no need to be racist about it. Nerds are allowed to love too." Interesting, if this place functioned on base 5, then 1000 in my ape decimals wouldn't be such a round neat number in their base 5 (No, I'm not enough of a nerd to work out the radix conversion in my head). I wonder why they used such a specific number then. And more interestingly, whatever rainbow-powered voodoo or witchcraft was translating for me seemed to automatically translate between base 5 and base 10 for my convenience. It was definitely food for thought.
I just hope I'd never have to do any real maths here. Decimals were embarrassing enough.
But more pressingly, I had a suspicion that our stowaway was probably invisible to the other two ponies for whatever reason. Curious. I should ask her about that once I remember her name. Till then I'll just leave her be, she didn't seem like she was about to harm anybody. I gave her a sidelong glance and saw that she was grinning from ear to ear. Yeah, correction, except possibly psychologically.
The elevator had moved of its own accord, confirming my notion that Crystal Heart was the heart of every function in this Empire, even the elevator music. Which means I can blame the pink column of light we were zooming through on her too. Why, why pink? Just, why?
"Pink can't stab you in the back." Crystal Heart said, simply.
Dammit. Alright, if that's how you want to play it, Crystal Heart. I immediately put my imagination into high gear, summoning up the most raunchily saucy image of Crystal Heart and Twilight together on my herd-size bed, getting up to all sorts of inappropriate yet pippin' hot tomfoolery. One even involved a muffin and some bubble wrap.
Crystal Heart said nothing. But I couldn't help but smirk as her cheeks slowly but surely turned a furious red. She even gave a little squeak when the bubble wrap came up. Yes, score one for the perv team. The little exercise has proven two things to me, first of all Crystal Heart was indeed mentally stalking me (which, surprisingly, I had very little qualms about. I hide nothing and, if anything, she does so at her own peril now for I had found a new way to troll her whenever I want) and, more importantly, that standards of hotness were more or less the same around here. It made me think of whether such standards were the same across the multiverse. 'Hey, nice, hot, slick carapace and antennae you got there'
Crystal Heart seemed very glad when the elevator finally reached its destination, even if it had taken all of a few seconds. This was evident in how quickly she dashed out, very quickly disappearing into the nearest door at the far end of the grand chamber the elevator opened out onto.
"What does that sign say?" I ask Twilight, pointing at the door.
"Ladder cupboard." Twilight replied, cocking her head in puzzlement.
"Must be preparing in case my jeans fly off by themselves again." I chortled with satisfaction. "Now where are..." My attention was quickly stolen by a very familiar popping sound that triggered Pavlovian reflexes hardwired into my very soul.
Bubble wrap where?!
I turned around and found a pile of what looked like black crystalline packing crates tucked away in a side corridor. There, clambering precariously on one crate, rearhooves scrabbling at the smooth crystalline surface, little forehooves hanging to the edge, was a little lilac blob topped by a puff of bright golden mane. In the little figure's snout was a length of what looked like the stuff of gods and legends, bubble-wrap. There was another telltale pop as she chewed it, looking hopeful. Then, looking the very picture of betrayed hope, she spat it out. Her tummy chose that moment to grumble rather loudly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from what I now recognized to be a little filly.
In her surprise at her own tummy she lost her hold on the container's edge. She scrabbled for purchase but only managed to grab the loose bubble-wrap. With a desperate yelp she slipped and fell.
Two strides and I was under her, hands catching her smartly out of the air, swooping her up into a princess carry. Or a football carry, perhaps. Same thing.
"Meep!" She squeaked. A pair of massive gold-rimmed eyes stared up at me in terror. Little upside down hooves scrabbled helplessly at thin air, chest heaving in panic.
"Bubble wrap is deadly in the wrong ha-...hooves. So is the ground." I said, as soothingly as a giant humanoid evil dark lord thing can manage. "Don't worry though, I'll keep you safe from both." I give her a reassuring wink.
"What is it?" Twilight asked, trotting up to me.
"A fellow appreciator of bubble wrap." I said, showing the filly to Twillight. "You know her?" The filly seemed to calm down a little on seeing Twilight.
"No, unfortunately." Twilight murmured. "Are you alright, little one?"
The filly paused as she considered this, looking between me and Twilight, before finally giving a little nod, calming down considerably. "This is Twilight, a unicorn like you." I said, noting the little horn protruding from the mess of blonde mane on the filly's head. "Me? I'm just a giant walking muffin-top." This earned me a quiet giggle from the little filly. "What's your name, princess?" I asked.
"Umm..." She seemed to consider this for a moment as she looked between me and Twilight once more. "Dinky's name is...Dinky Doo." She ventured uncertainly, raising a hoof, "It's, like, Deeenk-ee, Dooo" She illustrated the pronunciation her name with one long flowing wave of her tiny hoof like a little orchestra conductor. "It's...ummm...." Her tiny brows furrowed as she concentrated, tapping her chin with her hoof thoughtfully, "...like the sound a flower makes when it blooms open, or the sound of the sun as it pops into the sky..." She tapped her hooves together as inspiration struck her, "...or the sound of a pony falling in love and living happily ever after. Deenk-eeee, like that."
If diabetes made a sound, it was the warm fluffy silence that followed. For one magical moment, the world seemed perfect and right, lovely and bright. I think my heart just exploded, I died, and shot straight up to heaven on that high speed pink elevator, cheery elevator music and all.
"Sunny was right about one thing then." A voice said behind me. The familiar form of Crystal Heart, once again as cool and composed as a nuclear warhead, had returned, promising swift vengeance. "Your deepest darkest secrets do make skins crawl." And it struck with the force of a nuclear chamberpot to the face.
I was about to open my mouth to fire back a retort when Dinky did it for me. "Silly filly..." Dinky giggled, "Skin can't crawl. It doesn't have any legs." She pointed out in a singsong voice.
This left Crystal Heart's jaw hanging wide open.
"Umm....but legs have skin, but skin doesn't have legs...." The little filly cocked her head from side to side as she tried to think this through.
"The wisdom is strong with this filly." I said, lifting the little filly up. She gave a little squeak, hooves flailing in the air, before she was plopped neatly on my springy nest of muffin-like bed hair.
"What are you doing, Master?" Crystal Heart managed to pick her jaw off the floor long enough to ask me.
"I have equipped Dinky as my genius thinking cap." I explained, This earned me a muffled little giggle from the filly. "Would you please lend this muffin your hoof, Dinky the wise?" I asked her.
She gave a little giggle before nodding, "Dinky will help keep your hair down, Mr. Muffin." She trilled, helpfully.
"She understands my priorities. With our powers combined, we shall be invincible." I nod, confidently.
"I suppose every overlord needs a 5 year-old adviser to point out the flaws in their master plans." Crystal Heart said. "Especially you, Master."
"Excellent idea, Crystal Heart. This, ladies, is your co-overdudette today. Today, her rule is only second to mine." I said, pointing at the little filly on my head. "And for our empire's first decree, I shall defer to her higher wisdom. Dinky Doo, what will be our Empire's first big order?" I asked her.
Her tummy gave another loud rumble.
"M-My tummy thinks we should eat." She said, peering over the hedge that was my hair uncertainly, "I-if that's alright...?" She whispered, sounding hopeful.
"The wise co-overdudette and her wiser tummy have given our Empire's first decree. Let it be written, let it be done. Let's eat." I sad, with a nod, causing her to flop a little atop my head.
Twilight gave a little giggle as she scribbled on her list, "Find food. Got it, my lady." she smiled.
"Good call, co-overdudette. Give me a hoof." I raise a hand to her. She hesitated, eyeing my hand for a bit, "Don't leave me hanging, Co-overdudette, I'm relying on you for that hoof." I got a little tap of a little hoof on my hand. "The cool is strong with this one." I said, turning to Crystal Heart. "So, shall we hit on the refrigerator?"
"As long as it is only for food." Crystal Heart said, leading the way back to the elevator. "Come along then, lest we wander these halls forever cursed with indecision."
We turned to leave, but before we did I was sure to grab a length of bubble-wrap and secure it in my pocket, mind racing at all the possibilities. For one, I had unfinished business with Sunset Shimmer....
This time one of the black crystalline crates was waiting for us inside the elevator, not looking suspicious in the slightest. None of the others seemed to pay it any heed, even after a little slot on the front slid open, revealing a pair of radiant gold orbs on a background of mint green fur. C'mon, dudettes...
I was starting to wonder if this was some kind of test. Well, if it was then herd logic was safest, do as the ponies do and be blissful in determined ignorance. Stop staring at me with your sparkly googly eyes, box, you're raining on my zen.
As we traveled further and further down, I couldn't help but notice Twilight shift and fidget uneasily. We had traveled down quite a while, by which point I was confident we were underneath grave depth."Sub-basement 20." Crystal Heart's announcement confirmed it. Yet another circular chamber greeted us with many long corridors leading off. They were just as wide and grand but definitely more utilitarian, consisting of dull white and gray crystal paneling with faintly glowing edges providing most of the subdued lighting. "I ask that you don't venture to the sub-basement levels without my guidance until we achieve full functionality of the Crystal Citadel. Certain areas have become unstable in the 1000 years of inactivity, particularly the gem mines and the Enrichment Centre."
The black container followed us quietly on commendably silent tippyhooves as we in turn followed Crystal Heart down another corridor. I paid it no more heed than my companions. Crystal Heart was busy guiding us. Twilight, on the other hand, was still looking on edge, ears drooping low, posture stooped. I knew for a fact that horses placed in restricted spaces become stressed very quickly. I wonder if ponies of this world were in any way similar. If yes then underground construction would be as unorthodox as flying cloud cities. Which begs the question, why does this place have at least 20 sub-basements if it was built by ponies?
"This is the emergency storage silo." Crystal Heart announced on reaching a tall rectangular red panel in the wall that stood out from the rest.
"Silo number 4?" I asked, having learned all 5 Equine numbers from the elevator. "Good to know we have a few."
"Numbers 4 and above contain our emergency supplies. The other 3 contain....other...things." Crystal Heart's voice faltered a little, fidgeting uneasily. Was that her blushing again? She cleared her throat uncomfortably, "I shall have those cleared up post-haste." Her horn glowed a little. In response the panel turned a bright emerald green before sliding open.
A series of lights flooded the darkness within, revealing what looked like neat rectangular high-ceilinged crystalline chamber cut out of a natural rocky chasm. But what was most striking were the gigantic multi-coloured crystal blossoms arrayed all across the room.
Twilight gasped in awe. "I agree. I don't want to see the bees that pollinate these flowers." I mutter, my eyes slowly getting used to the brilliant colours emanating from each blossom. "So, tell me, should I feel peckish in the night and come down to your refrigerator for a midnight snack, should I make my sandwich with a jackhammer or a bulldozer?"
"Neither. These storage units are easy to use." Crystal Heart stepped up to the nearest blossom, a big crimson one, which immediately bloomed majestically. She reached up to its multi-faceted petals. With a touch of a hoof one heart-shaped facet lit up and slid out. She caught the facet in a glow of cyan levitation magic, a brilliant gem in its own right, and lifted it up to me.
I looked down at heart-shaped gem, seeing myself and Dinky cartoonishly reflected on its surface. Behind our reflections a cluster of what looked like big fat apples sat frozen in apparent stasis. I heard Dinky lick her lips hungrily, heck, I could feel her drool on me.
"The whole crystal theme is cute." I said, "What's next? Are we all going to start pooping gems? Especially if we start eating these?"
"As long as you eat your fiber you'll be spared any immediate side-effects." Crystal Heart said reassuringly, tapping the gem thrice with a hoof. It almost instantly dissolved into little flickers of light, leaving three apples in my arms.
"1000 years old never looked this good." I grin, seeing myself reflected in the glossy juicy apple. "So the gems preserve food too?"
"Indeed, Master. They are as good as the day they were frozen." Crystal Heart nodded. "As you may have noticed, that is our Empire's secret, the versatility of our gem magic. Everything from construction, transport, defense to food processing, absolutely everything has a crystalcraft solution."
"Huh, even impotence?" I asked, "This I gotta see." I brushed one of the apples on my sleeve before passing it up to Dinky who immediately latched on with her little hooves. The jumbo apple was almost the size of her head. "Go on, Dinky, dig in."
"C-can D-Dinky really...?" She squeaked in disbelief. "B-but i-isn't t-this yours?"
"Nope, it's yours." I said.
"M-mine...." She whispered, fidgeting a little atop my head, "My....apple...D-Dinky has...D-Dinky's never even....seen one...this close..." I felt a few wet droplets drip onto my head.
"Wh-whoah, hey, watch the waterworks, kiddo." I reached up to pat the little pilly on her back, "What's wrong?"
"I-It's....it's my first....my first mine..." She whispered. I saw her smile through her tears in her reflection on the nearby crystal blossom. "A-and it's...it's the most beautifulest shiniest apple ever..."
Whoaaaaaah now. This filly had never had anything of her own, let alone an apple?! What is wrong with this world?!
"Pears...." Twilight said, peering into a nearby green blossom, "Carrots..." She looked over at a bright orange one, "This is...this is amazing." She breathed, "We would never, ever dared have dreamt...I've only ever seen these in books..."
"Whoah....you're serious, aren't you? All of you?" I asked, tossing Twilight an apple and placing one on top of the black container that was now closely studying a blossom containing ripe bananas. "What...what the macaroons does Who-Snot feed you all?"
"Uhh....dry hay. We consider ourselves lucky when it's not mouldy or bad. That's all we hoofers get to eat." Twilight said, splitting her apple in two with a burst of magic from her horn, "Sometimes there are fresh weeds and grass to eat, and when we're allowed to wander out we try and gather roots, wild fruits, maybe even clovers if we're lucky." She smiled wistfully at some long, distant memory, "Mom used to take me and Sunny out to the hills behind Canterlot to gather fresh alfalfa and dandelions whenever she could get permission. She used to give us all the alfalfa. We used to hate them." She chuckled to herself, "We...didn't understand what a luxury it was." She offered me half her apple.
I accepted it, hesitantly. I eyed the morsel in my hand. Indebted as I was, I would not have given an apple too much of a thought. But here...
"Hey, eat up." I mutter, looking up at the filly atop my head, who was still staring at her apple in disbelief. "I want 'Dinky' to be the sound of a happy filly with a full tummy." I said, looking around at the rows upon rows of food storage blossoms. "You'll have as much as you could ever want, and more." I said. 'And when you grow up, all of this world will be yours for the picking' I silently promised.
"R-really...Dinky....Dinky can eat this one?" Dinky whispered, hesitating to hope.
"Yes." I said as I allowed my mind to sink deep in thought once more. Dinky...what sort of life had she lived?
"Mmmm....i-it's s-shooo g-g-good....t-thank y-y-you...t-thank y-you so muuch..." There was a squeak of pure happiness. I felt a new flood of tears wet my tears. I watched the child's reflection cry tears of bliss as she nibbled her first apple ever very, very carefully, as if afraid she might lose it or, worse, wake up from the dream. No child should have to remember her first apple ever. No child should ever have to cry tears of happiness over it.
Dinky....Oh, holy son of a submariner...If every grownup mare present were virgins then by definition every single filly here have been separated from their mothers and most definitely their fathers. Did some of them have relatives here at least? Come to think of it, Sunset Shimmer brought them here. From what I've heard of her, did she seem the sort to kidn-...I mean filly-nap fillies from their parents?
No.
My heart sank. That leaves one obvious and heartbreaking answer, they're all orphans.
How would I...even begin to ask Dinky? No, more importantly, what do I do about all the fillies?
"Crystal Heart," I called out to my assistant who was busy lowering more blossoms from higher storage racks.
"Yes, Master?" She asked.
"Add this to the list as well, Twilight." I nodded at her.
"Ready, my lord." Quill and parchment flew out at the ready.
"Crystal Heart, Twilight, this will be our first priority once we've secured our supplies." I said, "We need to gather every single pony that qualifies as a filly in the warmest dormitory we have here." My serious tone thankfully precluded any quips from my loyal assistant. "If they have a grownup relative or friend, let them come along. Tell them they will be taken somewhere safe and warm and given food and a place to sleep. I want them reassured and fed well. Hmmm....And within the next day or two I want a list of their names and the names of their parents and close relatives if they know them. We will put them all up on a notice board in case they have relatives amongst the mares." I said. "Did I miss anything?"
"Ah, that was very thorough, your highnessness." A new voice said. We all turned and found a blonde-maned pegasus with a coat the colour of the light dawn sky standing by the door. "I'm sorry, my bad, I kind of eavesdropped." She smiled sheepishly, looking up at me through bright gold eyes. One eye seemed to wander a little, lagging behind the other. I could almost taste the diabetes rise up from my heart and clog up my mind with cotton candy fuzziness. "I'm Ditzy, your highnessness. Ditzy Doo."
"I sensed your approach but not your purpose." Crystal Heart said, "What are you doing here?"
"I came because I was worried your highnessness was being followed by something or other. But it looks like it's kinda gone now." Ditzy said, looking about worriedly.
"How did you find your way here?" Twilight asked.
"I followed a trail." Ditzy replied, proudly, pointing at a trail of what looked like....bubble wrap bits? Left behind like a trail of bread crumbs leading out the door?
"The only elevator activity logged in the past 1000 years was ours followed by you coming down after us." Crystal Heart said. "And I detected no activity in the halls other than ours."
"Including this?" I asked, pointing at the black crate behind us. There, sitting with her rearhooves hanging over the edge of the crate, legs crossed gracefully, wide grin cradled in one hoof, a half-eaten apple in the other, was our master stalker. It was then when her name finally snapped into my mind, "Ms. Lyra Heartstrings." I said, earning myself an even wider grin from her.
"Oh yeah! That's her!" Ditzy said, pointing at Lyra. "You're the one I was following."
"Who...what...how did...." Crystal Heart gasped, losing her cool almost completely for the first time, her eyes widening perceptibly as she lowered herself into a defensive stance. Her cyan wings flared brilliantly, fine feathers bristling angrily. "How did you hide yourself from my crystal-sense?! Who are you?!" She barked, glaring daggers at Lyra. "Why were you following our Emperor?!"
"It's alright, Crystal Heart, I saw her follow us from my room." I said, waving at my loyal assistant to stand down. I don't think I should tell her Lyra was hiding in the chamber pot she herself was pushing. If she was reacting this badly she'd probably never live that down. "She was in the elevator with us. If she really meant us any harm, she would have long since gotten away with it."
"Wait...really?" Twilight blinked. "When did she get in? I never saw her." She strained her eyes on the mint green mare, as if daring her to turn invisible on the spot.
"Fingers are sexy. 10 fingers even more so, yep." Lyra winked at Twilight. "Oh, and it's 'Lyra, just Lyra.', your dudeness." She gave me a little bow.
"I detect no magic from you. What trickery is this?" Crystal Heart demanded, still not letting her guard down around our stalker.
"Oh, nope, nope, no magic." Lyra shrugged, "I'm what everypony calls a 'background pony', the 'blank sheet' if you will, yep. I've always been difficult to notice, unless you're looking out for me or I try really hard to be noticed...or if somepony points me out." She nods at me with a knowing grin. "As for why, I just wanted to learn more about our new Master." She leapt off her crate, apple lifted in her unicorn magic, before she slinked over towards me.
"Stay away from my Master!" Crystal Heart leapt in front of her, wings flared wide, horn glowing threateningly.
"He's mine too." Lyra said, cooly. "What's wrong? Unhappy that something's outside your control for once?"
"How dare you?! I am the administrator of Master's Empire! Everything within must submit to his absolute control!" She growled, her horn taking on a menacing crackle. Lyra seemed to take this as a challenge as she slowly lowered herself into a defensive stance of her own, pawing her hoof at the ground, though thankfully without lighting up her own horn.
"Enough, you two." I said, realizing the atmosphere was heating up faster than a mexican chilli stand on fire. Looks like I'm the appointed firedude for now, at least until I find ponies with a knack for chewing gum and kicking flank. "Crystal Heart, she means no harm. She helped me out personally before." I nod at Crystal Heart who very slowly, very reluctantly lowered her wings and dimmed her horn. She still eyed Lyra cautiously, brilliant mind racing behind her sterling eyes. "And you, Lyra, you could have announced yourself and spared us all this. I think you owe Twilight, Ditzy and Crystal Heart an apology."
"Alright, I'm sorry, Ms. Sparkle, Ms. Doo, Ms. Heart." Lyra said, grin lighting up once more. "I just wanted to demonstrate my talent to you, your dudeness. I'm hoping it'll be useful to you one day, yep." She turned to the still bristling Crystal Heart, "And I really am sorry, Ms. Heart. I'll even prove to you I mean no harm to our master, nope."
She stepped up to me, giving me a long slow gaze. Then, with a deep breath, she gave a sudden low bow, not a curtsy, but a bow, "I have long dreamt of your coming, my master. Allow me reintroduce myself. I am Lyra Hearstrings, and all I wish is to be your ever willing servant."
A brilliant minty flash of light lit up the entire chamber. A very energetic little orb of lime-green light zoomed around my head, trailing flickers of light. Dinky reached a hoof out to paw at it and was greeted by a playful boop on her nose by the orb. It zoomed on, pausing to nuzzle my cheek teasingly with its warmth, before willingly spiralling into my waiting hand. The light dissipated to leave behind a miniature gleaming emerald Lyra, frozen mid-playful-prance.
Huh, that's three now. I might have to have a chat with Crystal Heart about how easy this seemed to be. I honestly felt I should have to work harder at earning these. But then I remembered who it was they were believing in. It was someone, anyone, who wasn't A-Whose-Snot. And perhaps for them that was enough. Or was there more to it than that?
Come to think of it, in Lyra's case, that seemed to be the case. There was almost certainly something else she was after, just like Twilight. Twilight wanted my help to save her world. Now, what could Lyra want...?
I eyed the mint-green mare reaching out for the jet black flaming orb descending towards her. She was quick to pull out the little humanoid figurine, identical to Twilight's, and pull it into a tight embrace in her hooves. However, instead of an 8-sided star, Lyra's was set against what looked like a cute little lyre carved of bright jasper, matching the mark on her flank. Oh hey, there was some actual order to this voodoo.
"So, would you like to call the jury, or should I?" I said aside to Crystal Heart. "Might run out of parking space with the amount we'd need. The MLP is kind of hard evidence, isn't it?"
"Hmph..." She shook her head, "I would exercise caution around her, Master. She may be absolutely loyal, but even in loyalty there is still danger of a different sort."
"You worry for me too much." I smile, patting her comfortingly.
"Because you don't worry enough, Master." She huffed.
"My very own Em-El-Pee is proof enough, right?" Lyra asked, waving Crystal Heart her MLP. Looks like she had been stalking us for longer than I knew.
"If you know what that is then you have been spying on us for much too long." Crystal Heart muttered, voicing my thoughts, "But yes, you have proven your loyalty to our Master, I will grant you that. I advise you exercise more discretion, however. Under the previous Emperor you would be on your way to the gallows now."
"Thank you, Ms. Heart. You're kind, yep." She grinned widely once more. "And I'm sorry for worrying you, Ditzy." She said, a lot more earnestly, to the dawn-blue pegasus.
"Oh, no, it was nothing at all." Ditzy said, graciously, rubbing one forehoof on another. "I just wanted to help, that's all."
"Thank you, Ditzy, for worrying about us." I said, feeling it had to be said. An idea came to me. "You seem to be interested in my plans for the fillies. Would you like to take charge of that?"
"Oh, really? I...I can help?" Ditzy's eyes lit up brightly.
"Yeah. What do you think, Co-Overdudette?" I asked looking up at Dinky.
Dinky quickly swallowed her morsel of apple before patting her chin with a hoof thoughtfully. "Ummm....Ms. Ditzy's really brave, she came down to keep us all safe from the box. And that box really is very very bad." She said, shivering a little as she remembered her last encounter with the crate. "And she can see what everypony else can't. She's a good filly."
"Couldn't have put it better, Co-overdudette." I said, "How about it, Ditzy?"
"Y-yes! Please, I mean, Y-your highness!" Ditzy's wings fluttered, presumably a sign of excitement. Hmmm, flaring means anger, fluttering means excitement? This demands further study. I filed this away under 'Very Important' and 'Need Test Subjects'.
I nod over at Twilight who immediately began scribbling. "Ditzy's on filly duty, got it." She nodded. "I will help gather their names and details and organize the bulletin board." She offered.
"I will help her with finding them all and organizing their place to stay." Crystal Heart said. "Master considers the fillies very important. As such they are of greatest importance to me too."
"And I'll keep them all well fed and happy." Lyra offered, chomping down her apple core. "Nopony, much less fillies, should ever have to go hungry, nope!"
"Well done, you four." I nod at them all. "No child should ever have to be alone." Never again.
To be continued in Part 2, mainly cause Part 1 was dragging on quite a bit.
Stats
Page generated in 0.096 seconds
Total duration
900 users online
1,363,164 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Yep, glad to see continued-may the mind buggery commence!...now to actually read new chappy
I dunno, this didn't feel like a train wreck to me. It actually turned out pretty well.
Do the impossible, perform a jail break on the sun. Get Celestia out.
Holy SHNIKES! I just literally got done reading the first chapter while it was still a oneshot a few hours ago... Now it is continuing! Praise the Evil Overdude!
I can safely say I read well over a thousand fics. I am fairly sure this will only be the second HiE I will be looking forward to.
Yes! This ending shall be mighty!
nest step weponizing cutness
Dude, this has continued on to being one of the most refreshingly funny fics I've read in a long while.
Too often it's just references, randomness, and similar stuff. This... the banter, commentary, little quirks... it's hilarious. I just love your wit in this.
I wish you the best with continuing this awesome thing.
--Also, for the record, this 10k+ chapter had me bursting out laughing more than any other fic in immediate memory.
Didn't keep track per say, but it's definitely up there.
I am so happy you decided to continue this and oh my god Dinky is adorable i hope to see more Dinky cuteness in future chapters
4324369
See the invisible, ROW ROW, FIGHT DA POWER!!! Sorry, had to do it. That said...BEST. ONE-SHOT. CONTINUATION. EVER!!!!! Well, at least that I've read of course. Not gunna lie, the flashback to the Human world was trippy, but I'm liking where this is going. Also...no Crystal Heart alone with Twilight...ever....
That said, you've got me hooked, and I admit for all the worry you have about writing yourself into trouble, you've done a good job so far getting this wonderful beast off the ground. Keep this up, and I foresee another Lero-verse class following in the works.
And in closing...
HAIL THE OVERDUDE!! LET LOOSE THE PONIES/MINIONS OF WAR!! ...and Dudeness always finds a way...(Yes, Overlord reference, I think Crystal Heart is up there with Gnarl, and in a good way!)
Yay! You know, eventually, Overdude's going to be siting on his throne of darkness, surrounded by little pony figurines, and that's only going to make him scarier.
Wow, the Dinky apple scene actually made me tear up a bit.
Keep going Overlord Dude
Keep going
WOO!!!!! Verily and forsooth!
Ok first of all, your concerns of turning a one-shot into a story. Relax. I know from personal experience that authors are incapable of telling their own quality of work, so take it from me, someone on the outside: You have more than sufficient skill to pull it off.
Human x The Crystal Heart, the shipping that almost got away. I'm eager to see where you go with this.
On a scale of One to Inception, this is Much Inception, Wow.
Also, the idea of a pizza delivery guy 'delivering' a species is so awesome. And... is Crystal Heart jealous of Twilight? Aww.
Hmm, background-pony-ism as an actual power? Sure, why not? Let's just roll with it. To be honest, kinda reminds me of the Someone-Else's-Problem fields from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Can't see it unless you take it by surprise out of the corner of your eye.
You put this out really quickly. I like! I'm also eager to see how things will go with Sunset, considering, you know, the whole no-marriage-nervous-breakdown she's accidentaly got going for her...
BEST.STEALTH.PROTOCOL.EVER!
seriously dude (or dudette? i mean no offence) its amazing how easily the scene is created in my head, the descriptions are spot on and the humour is thankfully poured on by the load after sloppy load
. please crack open that brain of yours and let the stories flow, urgh, sorry if i sound weird its 3 am
I'm sensing a very strong Negima influence here.
This is success.
The overdude must show them the dance of his people!(or over dudes the case may be)
This is going to surpass The Rise and Fall of Darth Vulcan if you keep this up! On that note, TRFDV needs to update. It has been far too long. I was laughing the whole way through this, so don't put any brakes on this crazy
traindude!th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/184/a/8/hopping_dinky_doo_by_silentmatten-d6btknn.png
They could end this war right away if they could weaponize the adorable-ness of Dinky Doo.
Dinky Doo is the sound of a heart exploding from infinite feels.
i cant thumbs up this any more ...so have a spike
in fact have three
Interesting idea to fake us out like that in the beginning. Also, you did good in continuing the story from your intended one-shot.
oh my Faust, I've contracted Diabetus!!!
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/283/b/5/dinky_sittinng_pretty_by_axemgr-d4ce6s6.png
Darn you Dinky, why must you be so sweet and adorable!!!!
I see you've put in some negima in your shina dark in your mlp. It's quite interesting.
He's the nicest Overdude ever, ALL THE PONIES ARE GOING TO LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! IT'S THE END TIMES, THE END TIMES HAVE COME!
...But it wouldn't matter since they've presumably been saying "one thousand," so it should be the same value regardless of the radix they use. After all, the number "1000" in quinary is spoken as "one hundred twenty-five," while the words "one thousand" are written as "13000" in quinary. They've been saying "one thouand years," so that's literally the value they meant regardless of how it is written in numerals.
Then again, our protagonist overdude doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the drawer, so I can forgive him for mixing that up. Or maybe I'm mixing something up. At any rate, I could consider "13000" a round neat number so he's still wrong.
—Oh well doesn't matter because the chapter was great.
Many thanks for the update.
As for the transition Author's Note, I'd like to point out that you had at least 3 unresolved sources of conflict, one of which you're currently using:
- Ahuizotl
- Population. C.H. stated that a minimum population of... 10000 or so is required for the empire to function. The current population is 1001.
- Also, 1000 mares, one overdude... Yeah, that sounds like it'll end up with somepony getting laid. And out of a population of 1000, expect at least 3 to find him attractive.
I am glad to see that you are continuing this.
Dude huh. That reminds me of something.
I don't know if you did The Big Lebowski reference intentionally, but I would love to see more references to it.
For a transition between two different ideas of writing (one shot v. novel), you handled the transition well, and managed to keep the theme and style going. Nice job!
one thing, you keep using off when you mean of
Ah this.
I enjoyed this, Another!!!
5/5
Hmm, so you're supposing Ditzy isn't Dinky's mother? Or did Sunset Shimmer mess up?
Anyway, nice continuation. Hope to see more.
also, I'm with the evil overdude on this one: I'd get pissed on seeing dem ponies with scars like that, as well.
I like the direction the story and the Overdude is going. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
4325728
Well, Lyra is already one... and Crystal Heart is giving me some serious tsundere vibes, so that's a probable second... now we just need a third and the prophesy will come true!
Yaaaaaay! Continuation! Now if only Hail To The King would update.
There may have been a few spots I felt you were switching back and forth between past and present tense oddly. And I thought hexadecimal was base 16...? Do you have a proofer? I'd offer, but I have no experience.
Other than that, awesome work; your writing makes me laugh, and I think it's great. I'm getting strong manga vibes from this; TWGOK, Negima, Shina Dark, and more, but I have no idea how much of that is intentional.
Thanks!
Enjoying it so far
(I could be wrong about this but I'm pretty sure) (Writing numbers in base ten as words not numerals to differentiate it visually from base 5)
A note on Base 5, it the equestrian number system works the same as our system. it would go 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 20
100 is twenty five, 1000, is one hundred and twenty five.
This gets especially fun if he is trying to calculate how old a pony is, for example if one said she was 23, she would be thirteen. If he was looking for someone who was eighteen, he would have to look for pony's 33+
Also hexadecimal is base 16 and used for computers and stuff mostly.
And I awaken! And I am no longer sleep-deprived! And suddenly I realize why writing half the story using my android pad and auto-correct while half-asleep in bed was a bad idea. (how'd I get to hexadecimals, I have no idea!)
Hi folks, I realize this is long overdue, but I'm going to try and reply to comments regularly whenever I can. While I would normally endeavour to reply to each and every one, with a 130 comment backlog that's become a bit of a mission impossible. So apologies in advance if I skip yours, it'll be either because you've left me a few kind words which I still do appreciate and thank you for but warrants no actual discussion, or I've discussed your query at length in a different reply.
First off, blanket response to everyone who has raised Shina Dark, I have actually never read the actual manga until last night. However, the premise was something a friend told me about while recommending the manga to me about 5 - 6 years back. Unfortunately I soon forgot the title and never really looked it up, plus I was told while it had a good premise the execution was questionable and it was later shafted. I took a read of the first chapter last night and I did enjoy the first two chapters of it, I must say. The art is good, gotta love the maid and butler characters. I somehow question how the guy woke up in bed and suddenly there were these girls on his island, that could've been done more dramatically rather than come off as weak as the opening to a high school romcom. I was surprised by the similarities here and there, particularly the bit with the fillies. The similarity was hilariously uncanny. In my case, I just wanted an excuse to have some fillies in this story. if you were to look at my portfolio of work so far, you'd see 'My LIttle Queen', a story featuring Twilight raising a half-changeling. Shameless-self promotion aside, I am an absolute sap for child raising stories, so I decided I'd work that in somewhere, even as a plot seed in the one-shot. And as you can see, that has blossomed in the form of Dinky and, soon, the rest of the fillies. And now I've digressed far off topic, bad tangent, bad.
A few of you have mentioned 'Negima'. Yes, I used to be an avid fan until the rather premature end (and no, not really into that thing people are calling a 'sequel'). Yes, I got the inspiration from the pactio system, though I've never been one for the 'kiss makes contract' thing, mainly cause it really makes male-male contracts awkward as heck. The American version managed to explain it away as needing some form of bodily fluid exchange, and saliva being a good alternative to blood. Anyhow, I just decided to make it more spontaneous, triggering whenever a pony's feelings towards the overdude reaches a certain threshold. That way it'll trigger at random moments with potential for random and awkward scenes and it won't make any future male crusaders joining more awkward than funny. As for MLP figurines replacing pactio cards, I was just musing on how to give a physical representation to their bonds without resorting to the 'trading card solution'. Then I thought 'hey, these plot devices are often used to sell merchandise, namely trading cards. What's the big MLP merchandise then? Well, MLP figurines, durr'. And it all went downhill from there. The ponyception scene was so so much fun to write.
ShayMcSudonim mentioned the image of the Overdude sitting upon a shadowy throne surrounded by MLP figurines. Now that is badass. Never have I been happier for setting up a plot device.
And no, I haven't figured out the specifics about 'permanent' and 'eternal' contracts. Might involve more formal 'knighting' and things like that.
I'm actually very glad I decided to continue this. That chapter was immensely fun to write, even in my half-asleep state towards the end. Many, many thanks to you all for encouraging me to go through with the madness. This one's to all of you.
I've got my plans for the next few chapters but I'm still not entirely sure where I'll be going in the long run, whether it's stay in the Empire and play house, tower defense and politics, embark on a Mass-Effect-esque pirate airship journey across Equus and pick up a ragtag crew of gryphons, minotaurs, changelings, other ponies and incite rebellions everywhere, or engage in lord-of-the-rings style field battles for conquest of the land, or a mix of all the above. I would absolutely love your opinions on what you'd like to see, seeing as this is as much an exercise in fun-having for you guys as it is for me. Not promising I'm going to follow every suggestion but I will certainly be very thankful for good ones. Mossy Mare, for example, gave me a very nice list of ideas and I absolutely loved it.
Unfortunately I'll have to leave the one-to-one comment replying for later as I've got grueling 12 hour night shifts all weekend starting tonight. Urgh.
See you folks again soon, hopefully with a new chapter ready in hand.
Aww, this was so adorable!
I hope Crystal will get her own MLP of Dude, she really deserves it.
Oh gosh, this story is full of d'aww moments while keeping that peculiar feeling, it's so awesome!
Continue quickly!
-Zeph
people you forget Crystal Heart x Twilight aswell?
he should imagine a mass orgy of all 1000 mares with crystal heart in the middle...
the blush would be an impenetrable wall of red and the lols man the lols
While the 1000 mares on Dude scenario is funny, I hope he will, at some point, start thinking about adding some males to his realm.
They don't deserve the pain these 1000 mares have escaped now either. And he will have to decide how to react when somepony says something like "I miss my daddy/brother/uncle..."
This fic is just to good for Words! great story and the human OC is just such a great and awsome guy, when i read this part
(If I have to rise and become a greater god than you to smite you and damn you to the deepest pits of whatever rainbow-farting hell they have around here again and again for every whip mark, every little bruise and scrape I find upon my little ponies, then so be it, I will not become just any god. I will become the god emperor of ponykind, so help me, me. )
I actully got goosebumps Reading that.
At first i thought he would be this laid classic back easy going joke cracking wise ass kind of main character that plenty MLP fics have, and i am a huge fan of them
But you gave him SO much more character and personality when you gave him that Messiah complex, i love how he can be joking around and just chillin one moment, and the very next if som retard even as much as dares to Think of hurting his subjects, he would go throu anything to make them PAY!!!
4327216 in regards to your plans, i think you should do them all, because, honestly, it reminds me of the plot of Mass Effect 3, what with the racial politics, the ragtag crew saving the world(galaxy) and the epic firefights to save Palaven, Tuchanka, Thessia, Rannoch, Omega and Earth
also, i am very happy you agreed to continue this fic, i shall be waiting
*crawls under the Dude's bed beside Crystal Heart*
hey, come here often?
What's this? An update?
memedepot.com/uploads/2000/2447_b0aixi.jpg
Well, he's just gonna love Chryssy now, won't he?
This is quite the glorious (not) little fic you got going here! So much goofiness, so much organized chaos…
One could also say that you've poured metric puns of silliness into this.
I'm not sure why, but I can't help but think that Crystal Heart sounds like GLaDOS, but a bit more… fleshy? Aiunno.
All I know is that the idea of forming bonds then getting some form of trophy makes me think of a crossover between Super Smash Bros Trophies and Persona Social Links. That thought alone makes me giddy.
4327030
...Except you're getting written numerals and spoken language mixed up. If a pony said they were "thirteen", they'd literally mean that they were thirteen. They wouldn't say, in English, that they were "twenty three", since that would be a completely different result in quinary numerals (43, to be exact). Ergo, a thousand is a thousand is a thousand—and it is never one hundred twenty-five.
Thanks a lot for continuing this, HURRAH
Since Celestia was banished to the sun, there has to be a way to break her out again, maybe during a Solar eclipse or something. With Luna it was the 1000 summer sun celebration. And now a thousand years have passed again. So there should be a possible way to break Celestia free again sometime during the overdudes year of arrival. There is an idea, Luna used the stars to aid in her escape. Celestia could for example, use the meteor showers (Sozin's comet, avatar lol) seen in 'Owl's Well That Ends Well' to aid in her escape, but she'll need extra assistance from the crystal empire. Anyway something should come up to get her out, and seeing that they don't have much time, since there soon is gonna be a very pissed God Emperor on the way to them, they could really use Celestia's help.
Btw:
Dinky helmet of Wisdom
Enchantment Grade S+
----------------STATS-----------------
PHY Def + 50
MAG Def + 250
STR + 30
VIT + 100
DEX + 20
INT + 575
-----------Enchantment Effect----------
Max HP + 220%
Max MANA + 445%
----------Ability Effect---------------------
Consul of Overdudett's
<deep breath>
"yay"