The Evil Overdude and the Elements of Epic - Part 2
"And you'd know all about wankers, would you?" At least a ton or two of scales and talons asked me in a low rumble reminiscent of a vibrator running on jet fuel ready to buck the world. "Seeing as you're about the size of the average hemi-prick." 2 stories of hulking serpentine doom loomed high as it turned to face us slowly with all the slow finality of a coffin lid swinging open. It was there and then that I realized why common sense is common. Because those who choose to ignore it select themselves out of the great circle of life, often painfully.
"You compare a lot, do you?" I asked, nervously. Trixie could only slap a hoof into her face from where she remained hidden behind the snow drift. SnarkyHeart chose that moment to lower her origami boat hat over her eyes.
"Why do you let your balls do all the talking?" SnarkyHeart hissed at me.
"Ssh, he doesn't know that." I hissed at SnarkyHeart. I don't know, actually. Maybe cause that way I get to blame them for everything wrong with my life. Or what's left of it. Like right there and then. Never, ever, has the magnitude of my folly been so apparent to me as that particular moment. When I say 'magnitude' I mean so hulkingly massive his balls alone eclipse the sun.
"Hahah, you're funny, for a minotaur. A hornless scrawny one at that. What happened? Somedrake got you by the horns?" The dragon laughed a laugh that boomed across the snow-laden hills, shaking snow loose from the trees and birds from their perches, "Let it not be said that drakes are not without manners! I am Lord Onyx, of Brood Blackwing, Clan Drakengard, scholar, explorer and drake of the ladies.
"Need to do a lot of exploring to find them, do you?" I raised an eyebrow, not satisfied with how deep my grave already was. "I can see why, with your pick-up lines."
"Where did MiniHeart 34 go?" SnarkyHeart suddenly spoke in Crystal Heart's voice again. There was a sudden harsh slam that somehow transmitted through, sounding unnatural as it came out of SnarkyHeart's mouth. "Lyra Heartstrings?! Where are you taking that MiniHeart?!" There was the sound of scrabbling hooves before it was cut short by a burst of static. Welp, there goes my ground support.
"And who are you, funny hornless minotaur?" The dragon asked, curiously.
I needed to stall for time. Thankfully I had one thousand years of procrastination experience under my belt. "You haven't seen funny yet, Dragon." I threw an arm out, pulling my cloak up into a billowing stream behind me. The edges promptly caught jet-black fire, courtesy of Trixie's quick thinking and quicker trigger on her horn. The effect wasn't lost on the dragon as his massive serpentine eyes widened noticeably. "Ponykind has a guardian protector. I am he. I am the Overdude! And I am everywhere there are ponies in need." As I finished two random geysers burst forth behind me, spewing hot air and gas sky high into the air. The pillar of hot natural gas caught fire from my cloak, turning them into pillars of raging fire. I could just about hear Trixie give out a squeak of panic. I would too, if I wasn't busy being frozen in absolute bladder-crushing terror.
Good thing it's so hot. I need my pants dry for when I start running like a pansy.
"Ooof. You're....everywhere alright." The dragon waved a claw in front of his snout, wrinkling his snout in disgust. "Phew, smells like my little sister after a little too much of her sulphur brimstone gems." He breathed as more geysers spewed flagrant hot gas into the air all around us.
I gathered up what little courage I had left, admitedly about enough to fill a little thimble, before topping it up with the sight of the frightened little Dinky. The resulting cocktail would have probably put absinthe to shame. "You, dragon, have stolen all the bucks I give." I barked, pointing at the quivering little Dinky in his claws. "And if you don't put her down right now something else will be absolutely everywhere. Here's a clue. It starts with your face and ends with your ass."
"There are those who would say the pony scourge deserves no quarter, not even the hatchlings." The dragon rumbled, "We, the last free dragons of Draconia, do not make for very good listeners. All I want from this little hatchling is directions." He gave me a long, appraising look. "Now, random pony protector, not even A-hot-sauce looks after every single one of his mangy Felis, and he's their meow. You really want me to believe you're here by coincidence?" The dragon suddenly chuckled, "Pony hatchling, who is this hornless minotaur to you?"
"D-D-Dinky...Dinky d-d-doesn't know who t-that is!" Dinky squeaked with courage that strained on my heart. "H-Honest!"
"See how brave this little pony hatchling is? Smart too. Not very good at lying though." The dragon leered at me. "So, Crystal Emperor, it's simple." He rolled the title like tyre-sized polos in his mouth, as if flaunting how easily he had figured me out. Dinky gasped at this, before breaking into quiet little sobs.
"S-s-sorry, M-Mr. Muffin...." She sniffled in between sobs, her little ears drooping low.
"Tell me where your Empire is and I won't need your little hatchling to show me the way." He said, with but a hint of a menacing growl, "It is but a simple favour I ask." He visibly tightened his claws about Dinky.
"N-no." Dinky sobbed, "P-please d-don't...d-don't tell him."
"Don't worry, Co-Overdudette. I'll keep you safe, promise." I said, soothingly, throwing all pretences out the window. As much as it pained me to negotiate with terrorists, the safety of my ponies came first. I would have to tell him, get Dinky back, then see about shutting him up, preferably with his own teeth.
It was then when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I allowed a small grin to cross my face. "My Empire is here." I began as I raised both arms up to gesture at everything around us. "Everything from the endless skies to the roots of the mountain, this world is my Empire." I declared grandiosely. "That means I own every inch of your dragon buttock. If you reach up your ass you might find the flag I planted there when I claimed it."
"You've got wit, I'll give you that." The dragon said, "Pity we'll never see the other half. Don't say I didn't try to-Graaaaaaah!" He cried, wringing the claw holding Dinky as a compact little thunder cloud peppered it with lightning bolts. The claw loosened before tossing Dinky high up into the air. As the dragon looked up, intent on recapturing his little hostage, he received a faceful of the most fiery fireworks facial to the face. The silhouette of a certain azure unicorn darted in between the trees behind the dragon as he let out a deafening shriek while flailing about like a headless chicken.
"Dinky!" I shouted, willing myself to rush forwards. Before my legs could obey my leg-mounted FIMs beat me to it, chambering a round with a pneumatic click. I felt the recoil as they both fired off their rounds into the ground. I heard the crack of crystal against snow and the clink of the spent casing being discharged. I looked down just in time to see a black sheet of crystal sprayed out beneath my feet before my legs lost traction on the slippery surface entirely. My stomach dropped along with my buttocks as the momentum sent me skidding forwards on my bum.
I recovered my bearings in time to see Dinky reach the top of her arc, screaming all the while. I spread my feet apart, slowing my skidding just enough to reposition myself to reach out and receive the falling filly. My very heart stopped as I felt the warm weight fall with a whoomp into my waiting arms. I quickly pulled her close against my chest, embracing the quivering little bundle of nerves as tightly as I could.
"Mr. Muffin!" She cried, throwing her quivering little hooves tightly about my neck as if her life depended on it.
"You're safe now, Dinky!" I declared. "Err...sort of." I added. My relief was short-lived. I quickly shoved her securely inside the back of my black turtleneck. She gave a squeak but obediently remained still behind me. A pair of big fat thrashing dragon drumsticks loomed overhead, threatening to stomp me flat into the ground. I threw my arms out, intent on steering us through the impending curb-stomping. As if reading my mind my arm-mounted FIMs spun and chambered another set of rounds before promptly firing them. As I slammed a hand into the snow a long, sharp sword-like shard of black crystal burst forth from the FIM. It impaled the ground, forming a pivot around which we catapulted ourselves into a tight turn, narrowly dodging one leg. I used my other arm-mounted blade to swerve around yet another incoming stomp. While I avoided the dragon threatening to tap dance on me, my head failed to avoid something big, leathery, pendulous and somewhat hot. The collision left me seeing stars for a bit. Whatever it was, it left our dragon friend howling as if his world had ended.
"OverButt!" Trixie waved a hoof as she called out from behind a large boulder a little way off. I corrected my course and aimed straight for her. Unfortunately the boulder got in the way, stupid boulder.
Trixie could only wince as I kissed the boulder full in the mouth with a rather painful splat. I think the only reason I'm not an unconscious pancake is SnarkyHeart's shield. "You. Are Hopeless. Without Trixie." Trixie muttered with disgust, peeling me off the rock with a wet plop using a burst of her telekinesis. She deftly pulled me behind the rock just as the dragon regained his vision.
"Not even my girlfriend has touched those!” The dragon roared with indignation at the whole world in general.
“Cherry booooy!” I recovered enough to shout out at him.
“Forget the Empire! I will burn you to a crisp and use your charcoal to clean my chamber pots!" He roared, his crimson serpentine eyes scanning back and forth for us. "I can actually smell you, you know! You smell like haven't taken a bath in one thousand years!" He raised his snout into the air and inhaled deeply before coughing and hacking violently, "Gah! This entire geyser smells like you!"
"That was dangerous." I panted for breath. "Flying flaming macaroons. We can't run back without leading cherry boy there straight into the Empire. I don’t want dragon butt all over my lawn!"
"No pain, no gain." Trixie whispered back, calmly.
"We're about to gain. A lot." I hissed back. "We need a plan." I stated the obvious, "And a prayer."
"Yeah." Trixie nodded in agreement, before dashing out again into the open.
"Hey! What about the plan?!" I shouted after her.
"Trixie's already got one! Go get your own, Overbutt!" Trixie shouted back, skidding to a halt in front of the dragon, legs spread wide, body low, horn lit up and aimed at her enemy in what I now recognized as the unicorn battle stance. "The great and powerful Trixie will now demonstrate how your face can magically turn every colour of the rainbow!" She shouted, horn glowing brighter and brighter.
"Hah! Yes, bring a unicorn to a man's fight!" The dragon laughed.
"Yes, try not to feel too envious of Trixie's magnificent horn!" Trixie fired off yet another barrage of fireworks and lightning, sending the dragon staggering back in pain.
"Master!" SnarkyHeart spoke in Crystal Heart's voice once more. "Lyra Heartstrings has taken MiniHeart 34 and...."
"...Used her to brainwash everyone into partaking in one big steaming orgy in my name?!" My mind conjured up the worst case scenario. And it was both horrific and glorious at the same time.
"No, even better. She's using MiniHeart 34 to project everything your MiniHeart is seeing live on a big screen in the grand hall." Crystal Heart said, "The citizens watched you save subject Dinky Doo. Faith and love is flowing in large amounts. In fact, Lyra Heartstrings is now leading another prayer. She's preaching about the size of your..." Her voice was cut off by yet another harsh burst of static.
"We're gonna need one, I think." I muttered to myself as dread welled up. “A prayer. Not...whatever it was Lyra was preaching about.”
"Miniheart magic reserves critical. Unable to sustain communication functions." SnarkyHeart announced, eyes dimming back to her usual bored stare. "That means shut up already, bucktard. Miniheart doesn't have the energy to deliver your verbal diarrhea anymore." Darn, I must have worn out her magic with all that bouncing around the Empire countryside.
"Mr. Muffin! That pony's in trouble!" Dinky cried, patting my head urgently from where she had popped out from my sweater. I peered out from behind the stone at where Dinky was pointing.
"My dragon hide says gecko to your magics!" The dragon declared as suspicious ripples of violet light spread across his scales. Suddenly Trixie's magical lightning and fireworks was about as effective as a nuclear-powered custard pie as they exploded harmlessly across the dragon's glowing scales. “My turn!” The dragon roared. Trixie gasped as the dragon took a deep breath, chest and neck muscles rippling dangerously. A raging inferno lit up in the depths of his throat as he opened his maw wide, as if ready to devour Trixie whole.
"Stay here, Dinky!" I shouted, putting a bewildered Dinky down on the ground before dashing forwards and diving right for the stupid idiotic crazy little azure mare. Before she could protest I grabbed her and pulled her close against my chest, my back up towards the approaching torrent of fire.
SnarkyHeart faithfully fired up her horn and raised her silver magical force field against the oncoming fire.
"W-what a-are you d-doing, s-stupid Overbutt!" Trixie cried as fierce white dragon fire parted behind me, surging furiously around the shield around us.
"MiniHeart magic reserves low." SnarkyHeart announced. The silver magical shield around us flickered, threatening to give way at any moment. "That means we're all bucked, bucktards." She translated helpfully.
"You were supposed to escape! T-this is T-Trixie's place!" Trixie protested as she struggled against my hold.
I actually heard a rather large Trixie-shaped vein pop in my head. "Like your unicorn-butt-flavoured macaroons it is!" I snapped angrily. "Your place is the grand stage that is Equus! And harassing my bum until you get there!"
"You d-don't get it!" Trixie cried, "This...this is the only way Trixie can make amends for e-everything!"
What?
Where'd that guilt come from? Here I was thinking I had all her emotional baggage weighed out and sorted, she throws me another one? An entire shipping container's worth no less?
"MiniHeart magic reserves critical." SnarkyHeart intoned.
Well, this wasn't the time nor the place. "I think a flashback moment here will kill us both so I'll just say this. You can't make amends from inside a fluting coffin." I said. "Death isn't making amends, it's just a bad excuse not to. I should know." This ship is sinking fast enough without me adding any of my own emotional baggage, so I'll spare it for now.
"T-then....w-what should Trixie do?" I heard her suddenly sob into my shoulder. "Tell me, what must I do?!" She cried.
I sighed, tightening my hold on her comfortingly. "Live and suffer." I muttered softly, "And if putting up with my butt isn't suffering, I don't know what is."
"O-Overbutt..." Trixie said amidst her sniffles, "That....that's the lamest thing I...Trixie has ever heard." She suddenly chuckled through her tears.
"Got plenty more for you to suffer through." I grinned.
"MiniHeart magic reserves depleted." SnarkyHeart announced. "Well, buck."
"Fine. Show me." Trixie whispered, tightening her hooves about me. "Show Trixie suffering."
The shields frizzled and gave way. A fierce blinding light consumed us. For a moment I thought it was the fire finally claiming us. But as the light receded just enough for us to see, we found it was only something scarier.
"An MLP? Really, Trixie?" I asked, reaching out to grasp the glowing azure orb. "Is this really the time?!" I laughed as my hand closed over the little circle of familiar warmth.
"Oh, shut up! Trixie's already regretting this!" Trixie blushed furiously as she reached out and wrapped her hooves about her own little black orb. A brilliant white glow erupted from...her eyes?
"Trixie? What's going on?" I whispered. That's never happened before. Well, neither has an MLP forming ever conjured up a circular storm of light that repelled dragon fire, but I'd take what I can at the time.
"What?" Trixie asked, blinking her glowing white eyes at me, ruining the effect slightly. "Why are you staring at Trixie like that?" Said the azure unicorn with creepy glowing eyes threatening to blind me with her stare. "Who-whoah! Wait! H-hey, that tickles!" She squeaked as her hooves left the ground, her body slowly spiralling as she ascended into the air. I'd say gracefully, but all her flailing and flapping her hooves about sort of ruined the overall effect. She did glow like a disco ball though, complete with tendrils of prismatic light coiling and spiralling around her, so that was something. Ah, so that's where all the special effects budget went.
I was half-expecting some sort of transformation sequence. But instead I get another blinding flash as a shockwave of light washed over everything around us, blasting away snow and flames in a wide circle around us. Lush fresh grass complete with Trixie flowers bloomed where the snow cleared in an expanding circle beneath us.
I found myself facing Onyx once more. But this time it was his turn to wear a look of slack-jawed shock. I followed his gaze and found myself losing my own jaw somewhere around my ankles. There, sitting on my right shoulder, was a sparkling blue party balloon on stubby little legs, wearing the most triumphant smug look to ever grace something so adorably cute.
"Magic! So much magic! Witness, all!" She squeaked, her voice an entire octave higher. Shimmering tendrils of light spiralled all around her little body. Her very fur gleamed and glittered like a brilliant sapphire, pulsing with little rivulets of prismatic light. "Gaze upon an even greater and powerful-er Trixie!" She even came complete with the promised tinkerbell make-over with all the little ribbons and bells adorning her mane and tail. The frilly magical pony look was completed by a shimmering blue crystal breast plate clasped about her neck inscribed with her mark, complete with ribbons and bells of its own. I found myself wondering just how many walls I'd have to crush with my fist to reassert my manliness after this. But, dammit, it'll be worth it. "When Trixie is through with you, all future dragon eunuchs will be named after you!" She squeaked, her little horn glowing a radiant pale violet the colour of cute and sparkly doom.
"Err...Trixie, you look the shape, size and colour of a party balloon. You're about as bouncy as one. Heck, you're squeaking like one." I decided to point out, just in case.
"Look upon Trixie's magics, ye mighty, and despair!" She cackled, rearing back on her hind-hooves on my shoulder as little tendrils of prismatic light began to gather in her horn.
"Oh, okay, fine." I shrugged. Which was quite a feat considering I had the little avatar of snarky doom on one shoulder, the one of sparkly glittery death on the other. "Squeak away my little apocalypse." I shouted, aiming my right arm up at the dragon.
"Eat Rainbows, insignificantly-testicled dragon!" Trixie laughed, throwing her horn forwards as her horn erupted with a brilliant burst of magenta. An explosive barrage of fireworks whizzed down my extended arm, spiralling and careening straight for the dragon.
"GRAAAH!" The dragon roared, raising his claws to shield himself as the fireworks blossomed across his face in a fantastic display of colour and pain. "BWOOOH-eeeeep..." He squeaked as yet another struck his succession right in the fork, eliciting a high-pitched aria of demasculination. "-meeeeep!" He squeed as another struck in the same place, just because Trixie can be really evil like that. For some reason the magic was effective was once more. Perhaps dragon hide can only withstand so much magic?
"MiniHeart passive magic absorption rate rising." SnarkyHeart announced cooly, "Magic reserves adequate to resume communication functions." Her eyes glowed a bright white once more.
"Master? Can you read me? Systems read you are in fact still alive." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart with a hint of bewilderment. "And subject Beatrix Lulamoon has not only formed a contract with you but has activated her Crystal Element."
"Element?" I placed a hand on SnarkyHeart's head and turned it towards my other shoulder where Trixie now perched, cackling madly, drunk on her newfound power. "You mean whatever turned her into this +20 power-crazed glittering plushie of destruction threatening to adorabubble everyone to death?" I asked as Trixie sent another barrage of fireworks spiralling down my outstretched arm.
"Ah, yes, that is indeed the Crystal Element's doing. Well, everything but the size, actually. That is unexpected. Perhaps we still do not have enough power. Or maybe it all went into inflating her dangerously over-bloated ego?" Crystal Heart said.
"I think the ego came included with the batteries." I said, watching as Trixie began launching lightning bolts down my arm in addition to her fireworks barrages. "So the MLP actually boosts my ponies with glitter-steroids?"
"In a way. The Magic Linker Peripheral makes them your Crystal Elements, allowing them to channel the Crystal Empire's magic." Crystal Heart explained.
"An Element, huh?" The table of elements appeared in my head. Going by how she sounded I'd probably put Trixie down under Helium.
"Yes, they are your Elements of Revolu..." Crystal Heart went on.
"Elements of Epic." I finished for her. "Yes, that's it." I said as if settling the matter.
"Foaaaaal!" The dragon roared angrily. Yet another a faint violet ripple ran through his scales. "What part of impervious to all magics does your herbivore brains not comprehend?!" He demanded as, suddenly, the lightning blasts and fireworks barrages exploded on his hide harmlessly.
"The only thing you'll be eating after this is glitter through a straw, glittervore dragon of questionable scrotal mass!" Trixie shouted.
The dragon reared back, his broad scaly chest swelling with a sharp intake of breath. Heat from the geysers, fire from the surrounding flaming gas columns, all gathered in the fierce white furnace that was his mouth. Even the very air chilled as every bit of heat around us was drawn into his mother of all dragon breaths. "Magical readings rising exponentially. Miniheart shield will not withstand the projected force of this fireball. That means you're on your own, testicle-obsessed screwnut." SnarkyHeart said aside to Trixie.
"Er, Trixie, please tell me you got some sort of glitter-powered shield?" I asked, backing away slowly.
"Of course..." Trixie waved her glowing horn with a flourish. "...Trixie doesn't! Shields are for weaklings!" She finished with an indignant huff while casting something.
"Better weakling than smouldering!" I pointed out urgently. "Wait, something's smouldering already." I sniffed. I followed the smell and the faint hissing sound to my back. "Trixie, why is there a big fat firework rocket strapped to my back?" I demanded, realizing what her little spell had done.
"No need to feel inadequate. It's only mini-sized." Trixie pointed out.
"Mini or not, I'd DIE!" I snapped, "Oh holy son of a submariner, it's already lit!"
"Go forth, Overbutt! Shine and become a star!" Trixie pointed a hoof up at the sky. "Trixie has faith in you!"
"Like macaroons I will!" I willed both my leg FIMs to start spraying crystal sheets onto the ground. No sooner had the FIM rounds fired and the spent shells hit the snow that the rocket on my back roared to life, rumbling violently against my spine. Propelled by Trixie-brand insanity I skated off on the crystal sheet just as the dragon unleashed his mouthful of flaming inferno, spewing a continuous column of fire that cut a long smouldering gash into the surrounding forest.
"Hot! Hot!" I cried as I bent down like a very constipated speed ice skater, squeezing out every bit of speed out of the rocket. The dragon swept his column of fire after us, widening the gash in the forest. I swerved just inches ahead of the column, the flames licking at my balls threatening a very hot and painful end. "Dinky, jump!" I shouted as I aimed for Dinky, stooping down to scoop her up.
"H-Hello again, Mr. Muffin!" Dinky cried as she leapt into my arms.
"Hang on tight, Dinky!" I planted Dinky deep in my messy hair.
"Mr. Muffin, did you see that? Magic doesn't like violet. Every time Mr. Dragon's skin shines violet all the magic stops working." Dinky pointed out.
"Yes. His hide's not innately magic-proof. He has to boost it to keep up with Trixie. The question is how far it can go." I mused.
"We won't be going far at all if you don't pay attention to where we're going!" Trixie snapped.
"The rocket's too fast for me to steer with my feet now." I said, finding my skating now had about as much control as a clogged toilet. "Trixie, you steer the rocket."
"That would involve aiming your butt!" Trixie protested.
"Aim my butt then!"
"No!" She shouted. A jet of fire sheared off one of the ribbons and bells off her tail. "Oh, fine!" She leapt onto my back, straddled the rocket, before placing two hooves on my hips to steer it.
"Geyser! Geyser!" I shouted, pointing out the massive geyser right ahead of us.
"Got it! Got it!"
"We're still aiming straight for it!"
"Don't got it! Don't got it!"
One hot geyser blast later we found ourselves sent flying high up into the air. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" We screamed as one. Except for SnarkyHeart who was too busy holding her ears down.
"It's too early in the morning for horseapples." SnarkyHeart muttered, her silver shield glowing bright red from the geyser's heat.
To my pleasant surprise I found I was still able to skate. The FIMs were still spraying crystal ahead of me, forming a vertical aerial ramp. Feeling reckless, I pulled us up into a loop-de-loop, righting ourselves much to Trixie and Dinky's collective horror. SnarkyHeart, meanwhile, was eyeing me with murder in her eyes. So no different than usual.
We sailed forth on the crystalline aerial ramp, swerving and swinging around more fireballs as I got to grips with manipulating the FIMs by shifting my weight about. I wove crystal spirals and corkscrews as I maneuvered freely through the sky. Free-D Interspatial Manipulator - this gave the name a whole new dimension, pun intended.
"This can't be a good idea!" Trixie cried as I pulled off a very wobbly barrel-roll around a particularly tenacious barrage of fireballs.
"It's fine! Imperial Crystal's harder than steel. The only thing that can break through it is...." Horror dawned on me, "Uhh...dragon teeth." We looked behind us and saw the dragon bite through the little pillar of crystal we were skating on as if it were but a toothpick. "Uh oh."
The crystal ramp collapsed underneath us, bringing us down with it. The dragon was ready for us, maw gaping open beneath us, gathering flickers of light in the blazing white furnace in its throat. I felt Trixie bite the fastenings securing the rocket to my back, allowing it to fly free straight for the dragon's maw. There was a feeble flicker as it was swallowed up by the fiery glow.
"Well, that was useful." I said, before promptly breaking down into sissy panic mode. "Trixie! We're fish in a barrel here! Do something! Anything!"
"Fish! That's it!" Trixie's face screwed up into a look of intense concentration as magic gathered in her horn once more.
"Faster, Trixie, faster!" I cried in panic as we approached the massive smoking snout, falling straight for the flaming inferno.
"Got it!" Trixie cried as we fell past the dragon's jaws. There was a flash of her magenta magic. The world around us lit up with blazing white flames. But for some reason that's all it did. The flames roared around us, coursing in a wide circle as if we were sitting in a giant...
"Fishbowl?" I blinked, realizing what it was we were sitting in. It was a giant fish bowl, stuck fast in the dragon's open maw. “Why a fishbowl?” ‘When you can’t make magic shields’, I thought to myself silently.
"Trixie's been practicing making bigger and bigger fishbowls so that one day Trixie might be able to cover an entire city in an upside down fishbowl." Trixie explained, proudly.
"Uh, why?" Morbid curiosity got the better of me despite the urgency of our situation.
"What if Trixie wanted to keep Trixie's most hated nemesis out?" Trixie shrugged.
"Just put your name-sissy in the fish bowl?" Dinky suggested. "Whatever that is."
"Ooooh." Realization dawned on planet Trixie "Trixie knew that!" And almost immediately it was pulled into revolving around her.
"GEEERT OOOOOOUUUFFF!!!" The dragon roared as he swung his snout about violently while clawing at the fishbowl jammed in his jaws.
"Dinky thinks he wants us out!" Dinky cried as we bounced about inside the red hot fishbowl like the hottest, sexiest snowglobe ever.
"Me too!" I shouted, holding Dinky, Trixie and SnarkyHeart securely as I righted myself just long enough to take a running leap out of the bowl. Just in time too as the red hot glass chose that moment to crack and shatter under the strain.
"What now?" Trixie gasped as we sailed high up into the air in a burst of gleaming glass shards, leaving a violently thrashing dragon behind us.
"Call for help?" I suggested.
"HEEEEEEEEEELP!" Dinky squeaked at the top of her lungs.
"Okay!" A voice replied.
"Wait, what?" We all looked at one another. "Dinky, try that again." I said.
"Oh, owkay. HEEEEEEEELP!" Dinky squeaked again.
"I'm coming! At least, I think I'm coming." The voice said, a lot closer but a lot less certain this time, "Naughty sun's sort of in my poor eyes. Oh, wait...that isn't the sun. Uh, but still naughty!" I looked around and saw a pair of wings swooping out of the air for me. "Deus ex machina rescue moment!" The voice announced excitedly. I felt a pair of something very soft and furry grab me about my hips before swinging me upside down out of the way of a fiery fireball. "Nope, definitely not the sun. And I can see better now." The voice said cheerfully from somewhere above me.
I looked up at our deus ex machina. And my breath was taken away by our god, or, rather, goddess. A pair of powerful mauve leathery bat-like wings beat gracefully through the air, flight muscles underneath rippling with incredible strength. Thick light fuchsia fur bristled in the rushing air. Fuzzy white scarf tied in an aviator's wrap about her slender neck waved in the wind behind her. Thick silver and lavender multi-toned mane shone brightly in the dawning sun. Tense, panicked crimson eyes gleamed in the....uh, she did look rather panicked actually.
"Um, uh, n-not to sound rude, b-but we're a l-little overweight." She grunted as her wings strained to keep us aloft. But despite her best efforts we were slowly losing atltitude. "Eeee!" She squeaked as yet another fireball whizzed past, barely grazing us. I whirled around, aiming my right arm at more incoming fireballs. Trixie followed up beautifully, firing a barrage of rockets down my outstretched arm. The fireballs blossomed into brilliant explosions in the sky as they struck the fireworks behind us.
"MiniHeart can help." SnarkyHeart said, eyeing Trixie and me with an evil look.
"Trixie's on a diet and has just lost two thirds of Trixie's weight in five very flashy seconds, so it's not Trixie!" Trixie declared indignantly.
"Um, what if Ms. Pegasus uses her wings in place of the rocket and become Mr. Muffin's wings?" Dinky suggested.
"B-become a rocket?" The pegasus blinked, "Um, I could probably if I believed hard enough, really! Eeeeee! Be a rocket! Be the rocket!"
"No, just land and push me along." I said, looking down. Behind us Onyx was still thrashing across the snow after us. Before us was some flat ground that sloped up into a forested hilly area. "We can land there. I'll handle the rest."
"O-okay!" She nodded. My leg-mounted FIMs whirred and hissed as another set of rounds were chambered.
"Ammunition monitoring system notification. One crystal cruiser round left in each rearhoof-mounted FIMs." SnarkyHeart announced. "And yes, MiniHeart ate all the rest just to spite you."
"We'll deal with that later." I said. The pegasus' wings and my FIM firing kicked up a big cloud of snow in our wake as we landed. We hit the ground skating, losing no speed as we zoomed off in search of safety.
"Hey, this is much better!" The pegasus said, "I like being a rocket, really." She winced, closing her eyes tight as yet another fireball struck just a few feet away, vapourizing snow and showering us with loose earth. "Eeeeee!" She squeaked in fright.
"Mr. Muffins! There's a cave over there!" Dinky shouted, pointing at the approaching hills. "Mr. Dragon and his big fat head won't fit in there."
"With some luck it might open up somewhere else." I said, ducking as another fireball whizzed overhead. "It's worth a try."
"Oh, I don't know, really." The pegasus behind me murmured, "Caves are kind of dark and gloomy and, well, dark."
"So is Tartarus." Trixie pointed out.
"I like caves, really!" The pony squeaked nervously, changing course sharply for the cave, narrowly dodging another fireball.
The FIMs chose that moment to give out. I almost got pushed over by the pegasus before she quickly realized what had happened. "O-oh, sorry!" She squeaked.
"Don't worry about it!" I stumbled before picking up a rather lopsided run. "By all holy macaroons! Why now?!" I demanded of the heavens. The heavens decided to reply with a massive dragon landing right in front of the cave's opening.
"Too predictable, OverDick!" The dragon roared, bearing down on us menacingly.
"Go for the balls!" My battlecry filled the air.
"W-wait, n-no, n-not the-..." The immense dragon winced, quickly throwing his claws over his crown jewels protectively.
"Gotcha!" I shouted, grabbing hold of the three little ponies before holding them close against my chest. "Follow me, pegasus!" I shouted, leaping into a dive roll in between the dragon's legs while he was preoccupied with his progeny.
"E-excuse me!" The flustered pegasus squeaked as she fluttered after me right under the dragon's fork.
I leapt out of my roll, cursing the pain in my back courtesy of my landing as I scrabbled onto my feet and dashed deeper into the tunnel. "You little scale-mange! I have you now!" I heard the dragon roar behind us. I spotted a side tunnel behind a boulder and leapt for it. The pegasus followed me just moments after. Just in time too as a fireball followed and slammed into the boulder, sending dust and shrapnel flying everywhere. We huddled together in the darkness as the worst of the violent tremours ran its course.
"Overdick! I consider myself a very cool-headed dragon. It takes a lot to get under my scales. But you have just earned yourself the solid gold gem-encrusted chamber pot! You're not going nowhere, hear me?!" The dragon roared. "I will have you and your Empire this day!"
"Phew, looks like he really can't fit in here." I coughed out some dust. "Thank you, Ms. Pegasus deus ex machina. You really saved us back there." I sighed in relief as I slid back against the wall of the tunnel onto my tense buttocks.
"Teehee, don't mention it." The pegasus' glowing crimson eyes were all that were visible in the dark, but they seemed to smile back at me.
"Yes, don't mention it, not just yet! First of all, OverButt, she's not a pegasus!" Trixie, still in her element form, lit up her horn, casting her pale magenta glow across the tight little space, revealing it to be a blind-ended side-tunnel. She leapt out in between me and the pegasus, putting on the most aggressive stance a squeaky little party balloon could muster. I was almost expecting that by then. The only question that remained was 'is this instinct unique to unicorns?' "You, batpony! What in Equus could possibly bring the likes of you here?!" She demanded.
"Uhh....my wings, I think?" The pegasus flapped her leathery black bat wings for emphasis. Come to think of it, Fluttershy and the other pegasi did have feathery wings rather than leathery bat wings. "Is this a trick question moment?" She asked, cocking her head to one side innocently.
"Very smart." Trixie growled.
"That means I got it right?" The bat pony gasped, "Eeeee!" She gave what I suppose was her exclamation of happiness. It sounded more like a screech, but not an unpleasant one. It was somewhat akin to a newborn chick's chirps, only prolonged.
"Trixie, what is she?" I asked for confirmation, "And what is this hot sensation in my loins?"
"A batpony. And you probably peed yourself. Again." Trixie muttered.
"I'm half bat, half pony, aaall bitch! But, uh, a nice one! *Squee*" The bat pony squeed.
"Did she just squee at me?" I blinked. "Yep, it's a boner." I decided with certainty.
"Please, please excuse my Diamond Dog. I actually am nice!" The bat pony said, smiling anxiously. "Really! But that was page 324, paragraph 3, line 2 of this really friendly self-help book I've been reading and-..." Her explanation was cut short by the blast of a fireball glancing off the boulder, sending more dust falling from the roof above. "Eeeeeeeeeee!" She squeaked, pulling her fluffy furry ears down with her hooves as she flattened herself against the cave floor.
"Gimme a minute here! Can't you see I'm having a raging boner right now?!" I shouted around the edge of the boulder while throwing out a finger. I received another fireball as a reply. "Now you're just being jealous!" I snapped, ducking back behind cover.
To be continued in Part 3
As usual, hope you all enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I know I've mentioned vignettes coming soon. I've got two lined up actually, but I've decided to focus on the main storyline while I've got holiday down time. Vignettes are quicker and easier to do.
And just a little teaser for the next chapter, here's a WIP sketch for chapter 8. 
In case you're wondering, yes, I haven't drawn in the arm-mounted FIMs yet. This is only my second time drawing ponies. And I officially suck at it, but that ain't stopping me! Not by a long shot! I say 'WIP' but likely as not this will be the finished product. The only thing I might change is the bat pony's creepy face and the arm-mounted FIMs.
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still a wonderfully fantastic story! i like how this guy just has very lucky moments that make him look like a badass
dadadadadadadadadadadadada, BAT-PONY!
This is turning into an anime fast.Im not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing.
Quick, Bat-pony! The bat-spray dragon repellant!
So. EPIC!
*Squeaks in joy!*
I absolutely love how you wrote those scenes with the dragon, I demand more!
Especially the Trixie power-up scene, so cool! :D
Continue asap!
-Zeph
The batponies are so cute with those fluffy ears. Love em. Love em so much.
With the leathery wings description, I half expected it to be the dragon's girlfriend. It would have been hilarious to witness her telling the dragon off.
And another joins the legion!
That batpony is adorable!
That drawing is adorable!
EVERYTHING IS ADORABLE!
Except for the dragon. He's a dick.
This dragon...
He lost as soon as he took that hit to the balls.
I was wrong. Overdude does not need to get magical powers. The ponies and the Empire is enough power for him. Still got to give that dragon a beat down.
Super powered, crystal form Trixie is awesome Trixie.
I can't wait for overdude and dinky's heartfelt one on one.
Quick question, are the ponies still watching what's going on?
Time to turn off your swagger Overdude. That hat is getting ridiculous.
There is so much going on I don't even. Elements of Epic, another unicorn MLP, probably a thestral one on the way (Don't say batpony, that's offensive!
) and Balloon!Trixie!
I love it, and a part 3? Sweet.
I MUST HAVE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!
As Always your awsome sense of humor leave makes me laughing myself sick! The ending with the boner part was just Epic!!!!
WARNING: NSFW
4565880
I guess the overdude has a fetish for adorably squeaking Batponies
Because boner...
Then again looking at:
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/265/e/1/night_watch_the_bat_pony_2_by_zee66-d6nfuuc.png
and
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/238/8/d/echo_in_socks_by_aymint-d6jsy9e.png
I can totally understand him... I mean Daaayyuum!
4569402
I agree.
oi60.tinypic.com/2ym9bfp.jpg
Row Row, fight the Powah!
Do the impossible, see the invisible,
Row Row, fight the Powah!
Ye gods, I love this story. It's absolutely hilarious. This is easily among my top five list of 'fics-of-which-I-eagerly-await-updates'.
I can't wait for more, keep it up.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Just sayin, This fic doesn't has enough fan art. Needs more.
The overdude'S face is perfect. I didn't even have a good idea how him or the others looked in this chapter but the pic makes it all fall into place.
Great job, This is the funniest fic i've read in a long time keep of the great work.
I enjoy this story alot but I was just wondering . If this takes place in the Crystal Empire were are all the Crystal ponies? I also think batponies and maybe even zebras need more love in here.
4584976 The fact you quoted Gurren Laggan's theme makes sense and makes me happy in this stories case. It's just that wonderful level of crazy where everyone is having a good time.
Ok, this story is funny but seriously, between all 1000 of those mares and the fact that the overdude's actions have given a fair number of them fucking unintentional orgasms, Maud's only the first of many. Someboy's going to end up raping him if he doesn't do something soon, in fact as unsubtle about it as Crystal is being, I am surprised she hasn't tried forcing the matter yet. ("But, sex? Butt sex. Pony butt sex." my fucking sides man, oh my God)
Also, please tell me the fillies aren't included Sunset's 1000 virgin sacrifice thing because good God man. =[
So where can I buy plushies of Snarkyheart? Because I want one!
All the videogame references, and you missed the opportunity to have one of them shout, "Do a barrel-roll!"
Woo, bat ponies!
Why boner, ACTIVATE!
31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lymlmgZ0C51r5pfkeo1_250.png
Follower Get!
Quite possibly the first time in human history this line has ever been written.
All Hail the Element of Showmareship!
Trix, if you don't stop, people are going to think you have issues.
...Well, it's one way to escape!
Sounds legit.
Those bonars tho, HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHA!
Nice.
Hah, half-wit joke.
7062791
i didn't realize what it meant till you pointed it out!
it looks pretty damn good for a first or second attempt at drawing i'm not even that good
SO AWESOME!!
This human is just fucking pathetic. He could have permanently disabled the dragon by taking out it's eyes! He's hilarious, but he's a fucking useless sack of shit when it comes to being a warrior.
If only we had a physical image to go along with that meguca TF I'd loved to see it*snrk*
Eeeeeeeee!
Wait a minute, she just lit a rocket. Rockets explode!