The OverSexy OverPheromones Don't Have an 'Off' Button, Okay?!
“I’m Captain Spitfire, Ahuizotl’s Flaming Hot Firebolt.”
"Sorry, what?" I frowned. "I only got the 'flaming hot' bit. I agree though, I definitely am."
"She wasn't talking about you," Trixie hissed aside to me.
"Oh." I frowned, cocking my head to one side in deep thought. "Who else could it be?"
"The Captain Spitfire?!" Sona's voice dripped with uncharacteristic venom. Her golden bat eyes glinted dangerously as they narrowed on the pegasus captain. “You were the one who led the purge on Hollow Shades!” she suddenly cried accusingly, her one good wing flaring angrily.
“Oh…” The pegasus’ attempt at an impassive expression was betrayed by her widening pupils. “Yes, I remember you, hon. You were their sonar scout. Weren’t you the one asleep on duty?”
Without another word, Sona launched herself at Spitfire with a mighty flap of her one good wing. The flap sent her spinning round and round into the air, allowing her to deliver a surprisingly good drop kick aimed right at Spiftfire's withers.
Spitfire, however, was ready for her. She rolled her entire body around with a flap of her own wings, taking the momentum of Sona's flying kick and using it to grab her by her hoof and slam her into the ground.
“Eeeee-ooff!” Sona gave a plushie-like squeak as she was pinned into the ground.
“Hey!” I took a step forward, but Trixie was quick to put a hoof out to stop me.
“We need to run,” the magician hissed at me. “That’s the Captain Spitfire. We don’t have a chance. Trixie’s surprised she didn’t murder us all in our sleep last night. Trust Trixie, just walk away and...”
“Friggin’ no.” I turned back towards Spitfire, taking aim with my suppository launcher. But SnarkyHeart was quick to leap on my gun arm like the squishiest safety ever.
“Try that again when we have a chance of not dying. Like, never.” SnarkyHeart growled, “SnarkyHeart’s out of power and patience here. Especially patience.”
“You’re cute, hon, but I’m more a dinner and date kinda mare.” Spitfire smirked down at the captive bat pony.
“Eeeee! Eeeeeeeeyyy! EEEEEEEEEEE!” Sona flailed her little hooves and flapped her one good wing out at the pegasus pinning her down. “Die! DIE! Please DIE!” she squeaked at the top of her lungs.
Spitfire’s smirk slowly died away on her face. She gave the tearful little bat pony under her hoof a long, slow, thoughtful look. “Who did I kill that night?” she finally asked, softly. "Was it somepony you loved?"
“Everypony!” Sona shrieked. “My mamas! My papa! My brothers, sisters and friends! Every single pony!” The stricken little bat pony let out a sob, “My youngest sister only just learned to keee! You tore her apart in front of my mamas and papa! Why?!" she demanded.
“You hear that, ’God Emperor’?” the pegasus said, slowly, without looking up. “Imagine a weapon bred from the strongest and fastest pegasi, born only to put Ahuizotl's enemies to the talon, trained and honed in a thousand different ways to maim and kill your precious little ponies." She finally looked up at me. "Imagine she's right here, about to kill one of the little ponies you swore to protect. Can you do it, 'god'? Can you put your balls where your mouth is and do what you need to do?" The hoof she had planted on Sona's chest tensed. Sona gave a pained cry in response. "Or is that all you are? Empty promises and false hopes? Hoping everything will just turn out alright as long as your cute little ponies keep up your little magic show?"
I was about to put up a struggle against Trixie and SnarkyHeart when my eyes caught Sona’s. She gave me a look and a teeny nod. I took that to mean ‘Trust me’.
"Wow. For a born-and-bred super hot soldier of doom, you sure talk a lot." If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being a really loud attention whore. I could only hope it's enough to distract her while Sona did whatever it was she was gonna do. "Here's how I see things: I woke up today promised a montage of mondacious mammaries," I said, raising a hand woefully devoid of the promised bounty of booty, "I have since been almost swallowed whole by a giant shadow monster, literally bollocked by a giant dragon, snubbed into orbit by the sexiest prudi-corn ever..."
"Hey! Trixie takes offense at that! Except for the sexy bit!" Trixie snapped.
"...and almost raped by a sexually repressed nation-avatar," I finished.
"Pfft, 'almost', he says," SnarkyHeart scoffed.
I struggled to ignore the quip. "Point is, flaming hot butts of the mass murdering variety are barely a blip on my fuck-o-meter right now. And I've run out of fucks to give," I said, wrestling SnarkyHeart off my FIM with one hand, aiming the FIM at the pegasus with the other. "Now just give up before I accidentally ruin you for marriage too."
"Always relying on your little ponies, hon," Spitfire muttered with a sigh. "You think I didn't notice the bat preparing to sonic-screech me while you distracted me?" She pressed down with her hoof, winding poor little Sona of the breath she had struggled to gather under the pegasus' hoof. "If you get to use ponies, then I do too." Spitfire took hold of Sona's body in her forehooves and flapped her wings. She spun in place before whirling Sona right at us.
"Eeeeeeeeee!" Sona's bat screech filled the air as she sailed right back at us like the cutest batarang ever.
"Out of the way!" Trixie leapt in front of me, horn crackling. The pointy little thing gave a feeble sputter before giving out. "Trixie's out! Run, OverButt!" Trixie gritted her teeth before bucking me backwards into the snow. I barely landed in a winded heap before Trixie was swept off her hooves by a bat-listic missile to the face.
"Trixie! Sona!" I called out to the uni-bat snowball gathering mass as it rolled away, as if calling out to it might make it roll back. Hey, it was worth a try.
"Master, launch me at her!" Crystal Heart barked through SnarkyHeart as she picked herself up from where she landed in the snow by my shoulder. Her eyes glowed bright like a Horse of the Apocalypse... or their foals, if they had them. She quickly climbed onto my right arm FIM, planting herself over the gun's muzzle. The arm cannon glowed the same colour as the bright cyan aura blazing around her little horn. The loader chambered a round, presumably at her command. "Gravity round, loaded. MiniHeart warhead, armed," the most adorable little warhead in the universe squeaked.
"No need to get competitive with the bat pony!" I wheezed, struggling to aim the FIM anyway, trusting Crystal Heart and SnarkyHeart to know what they're doing.
"Of course not," Crystal Heart huffed. "I aim to outdo her." She turned around to look at me, her expression as flat as ever. "Master, I want you to know that I will always...."
"Crystal Heaaaaart, you are not giving me any last words," I growled.
"....look forward to you doing the wheelbarrow with me," she finished, giving me a mockery of a tragically heroic smile.
"Dammit, Crystal Heart!" With that, the FIM fired of its own accord. The muzzle gave out a pulse of jet black light along with a rather anticlimactic sound akin to a popping balloon. 20 pounds of pure repressed sexual tension was launched into the air straight at the offending pegasus.
"How is that supposed to do anything to me?" Spitfire asked lazily, seeming unimpressed at the miniature sex demon flying right at her. And that tells you all about Spitfire’s knowledge on our beloved Crystal Heart; terminally lacking.
"Buck you. That's how." Crystal Heart smirked.
The pegasus spread her wings, launching herself backwards out of the way with effortless ease. But just when we thought she had evaded whatever Crystal Heart had planned, the living sex missile glowed brilliantly. My eyes were blinded by an explosive burst of light. I found myself swept off my feet and launched into my arch nemesis, the ground, once more. I recovered just in time to see a small rainbow-coloured cloud rise into the air just where Crystal Heart and Spitfire were. It was suspiciously mushroom-shaped, maybe even heart-shaped, if hearts regularly levelled entire city blocks.
"Oh, so MiniHearts really do explode," I murmured numbly. "Fuckbucket it, Crystal Heart! You had a nuke on my shoulder all this time?!" I slowly got up onto my shaky feet while checking myself over. One....two...balls, check. Yep, fully intact. "You alright, Co-Overdudette?" I asked the trembling little bulge in the front of my sweater. I got a tremulous little shake in reply. "Good." I nodded, mostly to myself.
A sharp gust of wind suddenly blew the cloud of smoke apart. I barely got to ready my FIMs when a bright yellow and orange flash burst forth from the smoke, trailing dust and vapour in her wake. My aim was obscured by a faceful of bright yellow pegasus. I just about caught a glimpse of her smirk before she pushed my face into her fluffy bosom with a pair of front hooves wrapped about my head.
Pegasi are quite forceful.
Also quite soft. But don't tell her that.
I felt another pair of hooves straddle my sides, hooking around my arms firmly. There was a sudden rush of air as a pair of powerful wings beat at my sides. My stomach dropped away with the ground beneath my feet as I suddenly realized I was being airlifted.
"OverButt! Hey, excessively burn-themed pegasus! Put down Trixie's OverButt this instant or feel Trixie's great and powerful butt-bucking! Hey! Don't ignore Trixiiiiie!" I heard Trixie cry out from somewhere beneath me, her threats dropping away into the distance. By all the flaming hot adorable butts, haven't I earned myself enough frequent flyer points already?! I struggled to aim my FIMs at something, anything, but found that my arms were quite firmly pinned to my sides.
Before I could contemplate just how balls-deep in the rainbow-equivalent of shit I was, the butterflies in my stomach queasily registered that the pegasus was suddenly diving quite sharply earthwards. There was mild jerking as my captor swerved into a hover. Then, just as suddenly as I was picked up, I was dropped into a rolling landing on the ground. The tumble drier that was my skull barely managed to register the fact that Dinky was still stuck inside my sweater. I just about curled my arms around the quivering little ball protectively right before I struck the ground.
My face quickly discovered, rather painfully, that it was not snow I fell into. Rather, it was springy spring grass and heather, all soft and warm. My rather dazed mind numbly came to a conclusion: We were back inside the Empire's magical shield.
I struggled to right myself to at least face my enemy head-on. If I had to have a corpse, it shall have a glorious pegasus-shaped dent upon its face, not its backside. But before I could enact any pegasus-denting, said pegasus got to me first. I was flattened against the ground once more as a pair of powerful front hooves pinned my arms against the earth. And as if that wasn't enough, the almighty flaming hot butt itself slammed down firmly upon my nethers. I gave a rather effeminate squeak as little overdude gave one last agonal gasp.
My balls had a life-changing revelation that day.
Pegasi are scary.
And definitely soft.
"Your hidden horn can stay where it is." The pegasus above me smirked, wiggling her butt firmly on my 'horn'. "Now, show me just what you can do without your little ponies around to..."
Her face turned from one of smug triumph to sheer surprise as something launched itself out of my sweater and right at her face like the cuddliest alien parasite ever. "You won't hurt Mr. Muffins!" I heard Dinky cry fearfully as she sailed up towards Spitfire's face, horn glowing brilliantly. "EeeeEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she squeaked. An intense prismatic golden light gathered about her horn. The very air around us seemed to crackle and burn from the raw power concentrated in her little horn.
The pegasus was quick to release me. She retreated into the air with a powerful flap of her wings. But she was not fast enough to escape being blinded by the furious white glow of the little filly's determined eyes.
The golden glow about the little filly's horn rushed forth, its tendrils writhing and clawing at the air as they wrapped themselves around the hapless filly. Motes of her golden magic lanced everywhere, striking all around us. Where they struck the ground, blue and white crystal pillars erupted forth into the sky. Where they struck trees, sparkling starbursts took their place. Where they struck bushes, crystalline berry bushes sprouted into being.
This magic almost seemed...out of control. Chilly fear gripped my heart. Something was not right with Dinky. She writhed and spasmed where she floated weightlessly within her own magical glow. Her face was twisted into a rictus of unmistakable agony. Her mouth was wide open in a silent scream of anguish.
Blood-chilling dread filled me. What if her own magic is out of control? What if it's hurting her? What if...Dinky dies?
I have never been more frightened in my life. Pit me against a pissant tyrant god, dragon dickbags, Maud, anything! Just don't hurt my little ponies! Don't hurt my little Dinky!
"Dinky!" I called out. "Dinky! DINKY!" I cried, desperation mounting.
I fought to sit up. I raised my arms to reach out to her. I immediately recoiled as the very skin on my arms burned upon nearing the ball of golden light surrounding the filly. My hands felt as if they were burning from the inside out. But my fingers...I couldn't feel them. I steeled my nerves as I glanced down at them.
My stomach dropped away at the sight.
Where there should be flesh and blood, there was naught but quivering jet black crystal spindles.
I would have screamed. I would have cried. I would have let horror and regret take me. Were it not for a far more terrifying thought.
The thought of losing even one of my little ponies.
The thought of losing Dinky.
No.
This world will not be robbed of even one of these beautiful, fragile little souls. Not again. Not while I draw breath.
Well, at least enough breath for my last words.
"PONIES ARE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!" I roared at the top of my lungs.
What? Last words should be words from the heart. Or mine would be, if I could find it.
Emboldened by my awesomeriffic battle cry, I lunged forwards. I threw my arms around the little filly. My flesh burned with the ferocity of the sun as they fell upon the fiery glow enveloping Dinky. But not even the sun would stop this almighty embrace. With an almighty tug, I pulled the little filly against my chest.
To say it warmed my heart would be an understatement. It felt like my entire chest had been dipped in napalm and tossed into a fireworks factory. The numbness in my fingers had spread across both my arms. I silently prayed for it to consume the rest of me, if only for its respite. "Hey, Co-Overdudette! Dinky!" I barked through the pain.
Her fluffy little ears perked up. My heart or what's left of it buoyed up with hope. "Dinky! DINKY!" I roared against the searing glow. "Come back to me!"
The glow enveloping the little filly flared brilliantly. It turned a perfect white so bright it was blinding. But instead of more pain, I felt a soft, warm light wash over me, taking the agony with it.
The world breathed. The light flickered away into nothingness. I found myself on my back once more, staring into a clear morning sky. I blinked the stars out of my eyes. I'd be amazed they were still working if I weren't panicking over a certain little filly. Thankfully my panicked search did not take long. Upon my chest, cradled in what felt like my arms, was a dawn-lilac little filly. My fears and dread slowly ebbed with every rise and fall of her little barrel against my chest. Every little breath she took sent a wave of relief washing over me.
She lived. That was all I cared about. She lived.
"She's fine, hon," the familiar voice of Spitfire said from somewhere nearby. "Unicorn foals often get surges when their magic comes in proper. You've calmed her down. With sheer ballsiness, I might add." I found the flaming yellow pegasus hovering above me. "I'd worry more about you right now," she said as she hovered closer, shooting me a predatory grin. “Though I’m sure it’s just a fleeting thing. Everything is.”
"Gwet bwack," I snarled, feeling an odd numbness about my mouth. Every movement felt clumsy and heavy. Every syllable felt like trying to chew through a whoopee cushion. Don't ask me how I know how that feels. "Bwy macwawoons, wif you cwome any cwoser to 'er, I'll-... Ooof!" I gasped as she lunged forward, pressing a hoof down on my chest.
"Easy, tiger." Spitfire smiled a voracious grin as she leaned in close, her muzzle almost tickling my nose. "Don't want to wake up the kids, right?" she whispered into my ear, almost sultrily.
"Yeah, sho pleashe don't shcream too loud when I poke you with thish toothpick," I replied, nodding my head stiffly at the jet black crystal FIM blade gleaming at her throat. My arm felt alien and clumsy to me. It took every bit of willpower to keep it trained at her neck.
"You're not like me. You wouldn't be able to dirty your own hooves," she breathed.
"Ish that a challelelelenge?" I asked, struggling to find the brakes on the challenging word. I slowly pulled the blade's edge across her neck, drawing the faintest trickle of red. It almost sickened me to do something so metal, but I had to make a point if I wanted any hope of surviving this whole and unbucked.
No, more than that, the excessively burn-themed pegasus made a good point or two: I couldn't continue to rely on the ponies, nor could I hope to save them without dirtying my own hands. "For these poniesh, for you, I would."
"Really?" She raised an eyebrow. In a blink of an eye she had both wings flared, ready to retreat. But I was faster. Another jet black crystal blade shot out of my other FIM, just barely grazing her withers and neck, trapping her neck between two blades. All it would take was one flex of either arm. Or a slip. And with how alien and cumbersome my entire body felt at the time, the latter was a very worrying possibility.
"Hahah," the pegasus chuckled. "Hahah! Hahahahah!" she laughed. "Wow, if my commissar were here, he'd shoot me himself for being so stupid." Her laughter died away into a faint smile as she closed her eyes as if in solemn resignation. "Very good, 'God Emperor'. Do it."
"You expect me to believe that? The fearshome flaming hot firebolt of What-Shnot defeated by some pizza delivery dude?" I scoffed. "That won't get any frequent flyer pointsh even in the shittiest vampire fanfic. If you wanted to die sho badly, you could've proposhed to Maud or something."
"You have no choice," she said. "Kill me and your ponies will hail you as the hero who put down Ahuizotl's killer dog. Half of ponykind will immediately join your cause, the other half would fear you. Let me live and they will doubt you."
"I alwaysh have a choice," I said. "I've alwaysh wanted a pet dog of my own."
"One stomp is all it takes," the pegasus growled, glaring down threateningly at the little filly curled up on my chest, just an inch away from her own hoof. "Protect her! Protect her and your little ponies like you promised! Kill me and save them all!" she barked.
"For macaroon'sh shake, woman, you're killing my boner sho hard I can feel my ballsacks shrivel up! For the lasht time, I am not in the mood!" I snapped.
"Who do you think you are, giving these poor ponies false hopes?! Empty promises?!" she demanded, leaning in against the blades so close her nose almost touched mine. A spark of anger flared in her brilliant crimson eyes. The bangs of her mane had fallen over half her face in her outburst. "I've seen what he does to ponies who as much as miss a daily prayer to him." Her voice fell to a hoarse, haunted whisper, "I've been made to do most of them. I've razed entire villages of innocent ponies. I've torn foals limb from limb in front of their parents." I heard the tiniest hint of a hiccup. "I can beat bolts of lightning to the ground. Flock tornadoes. I can whip up a hurricane in under a minute. I've punched through a minotaur capital airship alone. And I can do flock all to save a single pony. Hurting them is all I've ever known."
She lifted her eyes to aim a furious glare at me. "And you? You can't even bring judgement down upon one pathetic little pegasus to save a single filly! Who are you? Who are you to promise us salvation? You just picked a fight with an all-powerful god and his unstoppable war machine. You just made soldiers of the very ponies you swore to protect. You just sent us all to fight and die for you. Who. Are. You?!" she cried in an almost pleading rasp.
I was silent. What does anyone, let alone a simple pizza delivery dude like me, say to that?
As I held her steely gaze in my own, I saw something. Amidst all the anger and despair was a glimmer of hope, an almost expectant, pleading look. "Please," she whispered, her voice tremulous with loss. "Say it to me. Then judge me... put me down, once and for all."
Why me? She could have flown headlong into that nightmare, divebombed a tree, insulted Trixie’s butt, anything. Why must she die to me? Who am I? Just some pizza delivery dude?
No, she needs me to be more than that. She wanted to believe. She wanted me to be everything the others believed me to be. She wanted me to tell her that I'm the emperor, that I'm the god she needs me to be. But why? Why would a tempered and disciplined soldier bare her heart of hearts out to a complete stranger? Why would a warrior as strong as her need me to be all that?
Because only a god can save her bloodied self now.
The realization struck a chilly chord deep down inside me. She had borne her guilt and despair alone for so long in a world where her only god is a sadistic megalomaniac. Suddenly the god emperor of ponykind arrives. But is it all just smokes and mirrors? Or can he be that anchor to hang all her hopes of salvation on? Can he be the force of divine righteousness to bring upon her the judgement she deserves? Can he smite her and rid the world—and herself—of her evil?
That’s the only kind of ‘god’ she’s ever known. Punishment and judgement is all she’s ever expected. But I promised Twilight, I promised all ponykind, that I would be better than Ape-Fart-All. And that ‘better god’ would grant her what she truly needs: redemption, forgiveness and atonement.
But can I really? I’m no ‘god’. I’m just a mortal pizza delivery dude. Can I be what she really needs me to be?
This is heavy. And this is coming from a guy who can dual-wield a dozen pizza stacks on Two-For-One-Tuesdays.
You just made soldiers of the very ponies you swore to protect. You just sent us all to fight and die for you.
It will not be long before the hooves of my subjects are just as bloodied as Spitfire's. This is what it means to have blood shed in my name. It means being the cause they cast aside their innocence for. It means bearing that blood for them. It means becoming a true Evil Overlord. And if I can bear that evil for them, then I can bear this poor little mare’s for her.
Who am I to deny her my duty as her evil overlord?
My tongue and jaw were thankfully a lot less awkward for what I had to say. "I am everything my ponies make me. I am everything my ponies are." I answered her gaze with my own. "And I will bear everything you are, my little pony." I allowed the FIM blades to dissolve into little flecks of light that blew away in the morning breeze.
She stared at me, her fiery eyes slowly widening. Some fierce, internal war raged within. They burned fiercely under the pool of collecting tears as she grit her teeth, struggling to fight them. “Can you really?” she whispered, her breath caught between hope and disbelief. “Everything? All the hate of all ponykind? All...the blood?” Her lips trembled.
“Everything,” I said softly. “I promised I will save you... every bit of you.”
Something suddenly gave. She gave a little sob, curling forwards. Her nose softly booped against mine and I got to gaze deeper into her eyes. The stout soldier behind those eyes had given in to her weariness and exhaustion. All that was left within was a little filly, looking lost, forlorn, desperate for a hoof to hold.
Two bright little glows flared up just above our heads, one a fiery gold, the other pitch black. They swooped around each other in a surprisingly well coordinated air show. I swear I've already had enough glowy sparkly rainbow light shows for the day, and it's barely breakfast time
"Then bear me," she whispered, taking hold of the little golden glow in her pinions and pressing it against my chest. The glow gave way to a shower of sparkles, revealing a statuette in her likeness, wings flared mightily in mid-flight. "I am yours," she breathed, softly.
Something odd happened. Well, odd-er than a little pony popping out a little pony of a little pony. The MLP erupted into a ball of flame. Embers of orange fire spiralled around it. Thankfully, it looked hotter than it actually was. I prefer my skin medium rather than well done. The fire quickly burned away to reveal the statuette once more. Except around its head was what looked like a diamond-white crystal tiara trailing a long white veil with bright red highlights that trailed behind her in her flight, topped by a radiant golden halo. A simple gleaming white crystal chest plate curled around her withers bearing the equine numerals for '001'. The chest piece ended in a pair of flowing red capelets that hung from her withers. Her four hooves bore what looked like gleaming white and royal yellow FIM variants, all of which trailed a whitish yellow flame.
Never has anything looked so cute and deadly at the same time.
I looked up from the little figurine lying on my chest, only to be blinded by the glowing radiance before me. And for once I wasn't looking at a mirror. A life-size version of the figurine gazed back down at me, a beautiful serene look on her face. The white crystal tiara and chest plate adorning her glowed with gentle aquamarine pulses of light coursing through what looked like runic circuitry within. The long, pure white veil and the flowing red capelets flapped gently in the breeze behind her. "Thank you," she said softly, looking the very picture of tranquility and peace. This must be what ‘cute’ looks like in heaven, or so my concussed brain thought.
"Uh, you're welcome," my dry mouth managed. Really? 'You're welcome'? Is that the best you can do? What happened to 'Can I please please please pet you forever and ever?'?
I didn't get to gaze into this masterpiece of divine-level cuteness for long. A rainbow-coloured comet swept her off me in a sudden blast of earth-shaking speed. I struggled to turn my head to follow the action. Even my neck muscles felt thick and heavy, almost alien to me. I must have burned everything trying to catch Dinky. As I looked around I found the verdant spring landscape torn by a forest of crystal spires, a few pink crystal trees, crystal berry bushes and even a crystal flower or two. I looked to the side just in time to see a rainbow-coloured blur and a yellow flash tumble and roll across the grass outside the forest of crystal, sending flowers and dandelion fluff into the air. The rainbow blur won the tumble, coming out on top. Though, arguably, the yellow flash barely put up a fight.
"Gotcha," the rainbow-maned menace growled, one forehoof firmly planted on Spitfire's throat. Her rearhooves had Spitfire pinned by her wing coverts, pinning her down to the ground. Her other forehoof bore a FIM that whirred and hissed before firing and expelling an empty casing into the air. Three sky-blue crystal blades erupted forth from its business end like kitty claws; very deadly kitty claws. She waved it surprisingly expertly through the air, stopping just short of Spitfire's neck. "Don't. Move," the sky-blue pegasus snarled threateningly.
There is something remarkably familiar about her. It must be her attitude... yeah, that's it. I remember she had some really hardcore name; Search'n'Destroy or something.
"Like you, you mean, Captain Rainbow Dash?" Spitifire gave the sky-blue pony atop her a slow sardonic smile. "Or did you finally get off your plot and make up your mind where your loyalties lie?"
Or, yeah, Rainbow Dash works too. I kinda prefer Search'n'Destroy though. 'I wonder if she'll let me use a pet name,' my dazed mind thought. Yeah, must be my concussion talking. Note to self, dragon balls give pretty bad concussions.
"Don’t speak either!" Search'n'Destroy barked down at her captive. Her voice, however, shook with a hint of uncertainty. "I know what I have to do right now! That's all that matters, okay?!"
"Make up your mind soon, Captain." Spitfire's gaze hardened. "A soldier without colours is just a murdering psychopath."
Search'n'Destroy gritted her teeth at this, looking torn. "Don't mess with me. You're not my commanding officer anymore." She growled, eyes narrowing dangerously.
"None of us wear any colours anymore, Spitfire." A figure landed lightly in the grassy meadow just a little way away beyond the crystal forest. Her sun-gold mane gleamed brightly in the rising sun. Her dawn-gray coat glistened under the crystal forest's prismatic light. The golden gems lining the four FIMs adorning her hooves twinkled as she strode through the thick grass towards us. "I think it's fair for someponies to not know what they're doing yet. That does not make us an entire empire of psychopaths. Yet."
"G-general?!" Search'n'Destroy gasped, tensing up as if every muscle in her body was struggling to stand at attention.
"Rainbow, language! There are foals here," the new pegasus gave a very familiar giggle. No, there was no mistaking it. It was certainly her. But...general?
I wasn't able hold my disbelief back for long. "Ditzy?" I breathed. The adorably clumsy wall-eyed pony who melted my heart at first sight? The kind, motherly mare who lovingly looked after the frightened little fillies last night? That Ditzy? A general?! Like, two ranks above the mare who just proclaimed herself the Genghis Khan of the pony world?
You can't judge a condom by its wrapper. Or something wise like that.
"That voice? Your Highnessness? Is that really you?" She turned to face me, tilting her head to one side quizzically. "I...oh my," she whispered.
Oh, right. I must look absolutely stunning right now. I wonder if I was more 'medium' or full on 'extra crispy'? From how numb my whole body felt, probably the latter.
"Oh? The new hairdo? Dragonbutt must've done it up for me in return for headbutting him in the lovenuts." I chuckled as lightheartedly as I could manage, finally feeling more sensation return to my mouth and face. "No homo," I quickly added.
"Oh, you really are," she said, taking a slow step towards me. "Your Highnessness, I mean. Not the other...thing." She took a little sniff, her nose twitching a bit. She gave a soft little gasp as a soft blush slowly bloomed on her dawn-gray fur. "O-oh my, yes, it really is you."
"What do you mean?" I asked, with no small amount of trepidation. Have I been so disfigured that even my closest companions can't recognize me?
Kids, this is what not showering for one thousand years will do to you. Oh, and hugging cute little fillies. While they’re on fire.
"Huh?" Search'n'Destroy asked, chancing a quick glance at me in between keeping a close eye on her captive. "You know that stallion?" Her nose similarly twitched as she caught a whiff of whatever it was Ditzy was smelling. She was suddenly struck by a similar blush spreading across her soft blue cheeks. Whatever it was, it was contagious. "U-uh...i-introduce me?" she blustered, suddenly breathless.
Wait, stallion?
As in, male horse kinda stallion?
Ditzy quickly shook her head, as if struggling to dislodge something stuck inside. "Your Highnessness, what happened?" she asked, seemingly struggling a little to focus on me. Was I that messed up?
"I...don't know. You tell me," I said, more than a little worriedly.
"Alright, but, um, stay calm, alright?" she said in what she probably thought was a soothing voice. "Cause it's like, alright. The alright kind of alright, alright? I mean, I'm not suggesting it's not alright or anything," she blustered, her blush now rivalling the morning sun.
"Hay, that's very alright with me!" Search'n'Destroy chimed in.
"Ditzy, please stop cockblocking me and say it," I said almost pleadingly. "Knew I should've put on sunscreen this morning."
"Uh, your Highnessness, have you looked down at your own, er, hooves?" Ditzy hazarded.
Hooves? Silly pony, I have hands, not hooves.
Still, I decided to humour her. Amidst all the excitement with Spitfire, I didn’t get to take a look at my hands underneath my FIMs. I clumsily pulled my arms into the air. I still couldn't feel my fingers though. Which is probably a good thing, considering last I saw them they were nothing but popsicles. With an odd feeling of resigned calm I looked upon what was left of...
Oh.
I see why I don't feel any fingers. That's probably because I don't have any fingers. My arm just ended in a blind stump. And it was a very sparkly black stump too. It was almost like a....
Ooooooh.
I wiggled my arm.
The furry little hoofsie wiggled back at me.
A sparkly furry little hoofsie.
"Oh, you mean those hoofsies," I giggled, my tone just an octave or two into the wussy range. Something gave a giddy little pony squee. What little sanity I had left registered that the source of the squee was, in fact, me. By macaroons I sound adorable. "Hey, hey, hey, watch this! It glitters!" I squeaked manically.
It could have been worse. We could have been a potted plant,’ my concussion helpfully contributed, before I told it to shush.
A low crackly hum grew louder and louder. I felt my ears twitch. Yes, ears, even if they did feel oddly long and fluffy. I felt them slowly pivot reflexively towards the source of the noise. I weakly turned my head to follow. It looked like a rapidly approaching multi-coloured cloud at first. It quickly slid into focus, revealing itself to be a massive stampede of ponies, unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi, with a few airborne pegasi for good measure. The ground-based ponies were speeding over on what were unmistakably FIMs, led by a determined-looking Twilight and Sunset.
The cavalry were quick to arrive. They weren't quite as good at stopping. A good number slid onwards past us, letting out high-pitched squeaks of panic. A few skid to rather clumsy bow-legged stops. Quite a few more had to brake with their faces. A few went off zooming into the sky instead, casting crystal ramps and loop-de-loops into the air. Sunset quite skillfully deployed her FIM blades, using them to slow herself down to a skidding stop. Twilight on the other hand fired some sort of concussion spell out of her FIMs, sending herself flying into the air with a panicked squee. I spotted Rarity in the throng, accidentally firing her FIM at another mare, electrocuting her up the rear with what must have been some sort of lightning flashbang round.
Note to self, do not issue any of these ponies with the bone-killer rounds. Ever.
“This is it,” Sunset declared, looking around at her ragtag collection of troops. "Find him! Turn over every tree, rock and skirt if you have to! To the Emperor!" she barked at the disorganized heap of ponies. "Defend him to the last pony!"
"Sure, Sunny-bunny! We need to find him first before we do any defending though. Is he hiding? Or disguised? What if he's hiding in disguise? Maybe as a potted plant? Or maybe even a pony? Then we'd really have to go down to the last pony just to find him!" A lot of pink bounded into view. GAH! PINK! SO MUCH PINK!
"That's the most ridiculous idea I've ever..." Sunset's voice trailed off as her eyes landed on where I lay with Dinky. Her nose twitched as she took a sniff of the air. Then, much like Ditzy and Search'n'Destroy, her eyes glazed over as a warm blush spread across her cheeks. She fidgeted in place, rubbing her rear hooves together uncomfortably as she bit her lip. The rest of the ponies behind her similarly sniffed the air before turning into a sea of fidgeting blushing tomatoes.
Is this some sort of pony herd camouflage mechanism? Does turning the same shade of red help them in some way?
"Make way! Medical pony coming through! I have a license to prove it!" I just about heard Red Heart's voice above the crowd's. "Mind the suppository launchers! I have a cure for stupidity! Don't make me use it!" she threatened, finally getting the crowd to part for her, revealing her in all her nursey glory. She arrived complete with medical saddle bags, a large crystal device with what looked like lightning rods on her back with crystal cables linked to her FIMs, and a pair of bandoliers criss-crossing her chest bearing an entire arsenal of suppositories. "Where is his lordship?!" she demanded as she pushed to the front of the crowd, her own FIMs whirring and ejecting a set of spent cartridges with a pneumatic hiss.
Ditzy silently lifted a forehoof towards me in reply.
"He's decomposing so rapidly I don't even recognize him anymore," Red Heart observed grimly as she skidded to a stop by my side. I swear I heard a 'boop' as she pushed a forehoof against my nose. "No, no pulse!" she declared, before hopping onto my chest, winding me before I could raise my voice. "Begin CPR!" she barked, leaping up and down on my chest with all four hooves.
The first compression winded me so hard I almost blacked out. The second almost killed me. Almost. But I would not find my merciful end in the hooves of a pony, not if cruel fate had anything to say about it. "He's going under! Set FIMs to DEFIBRILLATE. You there, prepare the suppositories!" Nurse Red Heart ordered. "Quick, somepony, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Don't everypony jump up at once!"
My receding sight just about registered a tidal wave of rather hungry-looking ponies with puckered lips leaping in to 'save' me from 'certain' death.
My last thought before I was smothered into ponyblivion was one of gratitude. At least I would not be awake for this. Some fates are worse than death.
It was like watching a movie trailer with all the plot highlights very systematically spoiled, except movie trailers don't generally incite me into spitting twenty different flavours of napalm at the screen. I watched little Dinky curled up in an old abandoned basement with nothing but a charcoal drawing for company. I watched her running across rainbows to save the entire world. I listened to her crying for the world, taking all the blame for its crapsackiness on herself. I heard her use her first ever wish to plead for someone, anyone, to save everyone.
I wanted nothing more than to rush up to her and show her she was not alone, not anymore. I wanted to tell her that there's no blame for her to take, because someone else is hogging it all. I wanted to be there to pull her into the tightest, warmest hug ever.
I felt my arms curl around something soft and warm. I instinctively pulled it tighter against my chest. So many things, I came so close to losing so many things today. I would not let go of anything, not now, not ever.
It was with these strange yet oddly warm and fuzzy thoughts that I slowly wake up. They were quickly replaced by dread. The last two times I woke up in this world, it was to some variation of Crystal Heart attempting to violate me. My eyes quickly flickered open, searching around for what was probably the universe's cutest aspiring rapist.
My eyes came to rest upon what I realized was a giant mirror hanging over the now familiar herd-sized bed. I would have spared a thought to just how hot-...I mean, vain it all was, if I weren't more focused on the stranger staring back down at me. Ponykind must have run out of colours when they finally got to this pony. Everything from his mane to his ass was all seven colours of gloom and doom. He was so dark and brooding he probably ate glittery emos and shat vampire bats. As if to make up for it, it looked like he was drowned in all the glitter in the world. His fur practically screamed fabulous and not in a good way. It’s almost like, like, I’m looking at a sparkling Twilight pony.
Uh.
That didn’t come out right.
Don’t tell Twilight that. Please. There are some books even Twilight shouldn’t read.
All the glitter made my eyes water, forcing me to blink. To my surprise, ugly-butt pony blinked too. I frowned at him. He returned it with a frown doubly dark and brooding. I blew a raspberry at him. He gave me one twice as wet and ugly. "Fine, no need to get competitive," I muttered up at him. I watched him mouth the same words back at me.
Oh.
Uh.
Actually, you know what, he was the most drop-dead gorgeous son of a gun I had ever laid eyes on. Totally. And not just because he's my reflection or anything, nope.
Yeah, no. This guy's butt ugly, no two ways about it. He even had a wang on his forehead, the dickhead.
Wait.
That means I have a wang on my forehead.
By all the raging macaroon hardons, I have a wang on my forehead!
Thankfully, before I could spiral into a wang-induced hysteria, my eyes were slowly drawn to the furry little mound lying on his chest, wrapped up in his forehooves. I slowly curled my own hands-...err, hooves. I felt something soft and warm gently breathe against my chest and hooves.
Dinky.
I sighed a sigh of intense relief.
It's alright. I could've been turned into a potted plant and it'd still be alright, as long as all my little ponies survive. As long as Dinky survives.
Compared to that, turning into this sparkly pony with a sparkly wang...on...his...forehead....is...okay?
Hmm.
Nope.
"Help! Big sparkly wiener on my forehead!" I wailed in panic.
My desperate plea for help was quickly answered. Or was it? "Oh! My lord, you're awake," I heard the sound of purpleness call from the door. "I wouldn't have believed it if Rainbow and Ditzy didn't swear on their wings it was you." The familiar lavender figure of Twilight trotted up to my bedside, a clipboard in tow in her magenta magical aura. “I hope the transformation hasn’t affected your hidden horn. Such a powerful spell! I saw it all on that MiniHeart’s broadcast thing. Trixie was all ‘Yes’, and you went ‘Yes!’” she described, excitedly. “And your hidden horn went ‘Yees!’, and then the dragon was suddenly ‘Yes yes yes!’ and then the mountain went ‘YyyeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!’!” she squeaked, breathlessly.
Wait, did she just describe my awesome in orgasms?
“Yes,” I said, numbly.
“We can’t waste any time studying it! How did you do it?! How much magic did it take? Is it true what Ms. Heartstrings said, that all it took was one hip thrust from you?!” Twilight fired off question after question without pausing for breath, her eyes gleaming dangerously. They say curiosity kills cats; this one could probably end civilizations. And this ender of worlds was very quickly encroaching upon my crotch, licking her lips almost ravenously. “Would you mind if I ran a quick test? Or ten? I’ll be gentle. I won’t take too big a sample either. I mean, I only brought three sample buckets with me.” She magically levitated three big crystal buckets helpfully marked ‘1’, ‘2’ and ‘24’. Just how much did she plan to bring?! “And I won’t do the thing with the lightning rod and…”
“Twilight!” I cried. “By mac-flavoured macaroons, please! I’ll share everything you want later! Just...just don’t rape me! Yet!” I pleaded.
“You mean I could do that later?” she asked, eyes gleaming with excitement, before she finally noticed the dark look on my face. "I-I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. A-Are you alright?" For being the only one able to read, Twilight’s incredibly slow at reading moods.
"Alright?" I scoffed dryly. "I think I left my 'alright' in a geyser somewhere out there."
"Well, in the words of the great Starswirl, 'It could have been worse'," Twilight said quite optimistically.
"Where are you hogging all that optimism?" I demanded. "Cause my wang got attached to my face!" I pointed a hoof at the offending appendage on my forehead.
"You could've been turned into a potted plant," Twilight pointed out with an amused smile. Oh, so the potted plant thing really is a thing, not just my concussion talking. "In fact, that's what happened to my parents when I had my first magical surge."
"You turned your parents into ponies?" I hazarded, raising an eyebrow. I couldn't help but wonder for a moment what Twilight's parents could have started out as. Bookworms, probably.
"Um, no. Let's just say dad made quite the cactus," Twilight said.
"Oh." My face fell a little. "I'm sorry," was all I could say.
"Oh, don't be. Some friendly neighbours turned them back. Though Sunny always said she couldn't tell the difference with dad," Twilight giggled, good naturedly.
"So all unicorns have this magical surge thing?" I asked. Jeez, here I was thinking babysitting for my neighbours was bad for my health. At least their children don't turn me into rabbit food on a regular basis.
"Not all, at least not within the realms of common knowledge. There is a theory that all unicorns go through a surge when they grow into their magic, but most are so minuscule it's barely a sneeze. Generally speaking, only the most powerful unicorns have noticeable surges," Twilight said, tapping a forehoof against her chin thoughtfully.
"Noticeable, huh?" I chuckled, recalling the massive crystal forest now decorating the outskirts of our empire. "Naaah, didn't notice nothing, nope. Why are we even talking about surges?" Twilight gave a chuckle in response.
“What were you doing out there so early in the morning, if you don’t mind me asking?” Twilight asked, curiously.
“I enjoy nice early morning walks.” I shrugged, innocently.
“And meeting new dragons and rearranging the landscape?” The unicorn asked, quirking an eyebrow.
“Very nice early morning walks.” I nodded. "Oh, speaking of, are my walking buddies alright?" I quickly asked, before she could raise the topic of railguns again.
"If you mean the unicorn and that...um, bat pony..." I noticed Twilight hesitate a little on mentioning Sona. "I think they're alright. Nurse Red Heart is fussing over all of them in the infirmary." She grimaced a little at the memory. My mind summoned forth the memory of her bandoliers of suppository-powered doom.
I never felt healthier. Seriously. I was practically radiating more health than David Hasselhoff running down a Californian beach. "Twilight, you should bottle all that optimism and sell it." I shared her grimace.
"Funny you should say that. Sunny always called me a pessimist." Twilight chuckled dryly. "I think you rub off on us."
"There’s only a countdown between now and everyone seeing the light on bubblewrap orgies," I totally called it, causing Twilight to blush but giggle goodnaturedly at my obscene joke. "And Spitfire? The pegasus, I mean?"
"Oh." The unicorn's expression darkened somewhat. "Hmm, well, she's lucky it was Rainbow and Ms. Derpy who caught her. Anypony else and...well...let's just say we had to turn one of the rooms into a prison, not to keep her in so much as to keep everypony else out." She shook her head gently. "At least she came quietly. Good job capturing her, your lordship." Her face brightened up into a smile of approval.
Hmmm, I see what Spitfire meant. 'Bearing' her might be more difficult than I thought. I grew a little quiet at a rather foreboding thought. "And, uh, SnarkyHeart...?" I asked. Then I realized Twilight wouldn't know who I was referring to. "I mean the really sunny little clone of Crystal Heart who was with us?"
"Oh!" Twilight's expression lit up with recognition. "We found her with her rump sticking out of a really big crater. When we pulled her out she ran off, saying something about finding you and Crystal Heart, tying you two together, finding the biggest turnip she can find and...uh..." Twilight suddenly blushed a deep red. "Um, uh, i-if you see her, you might want to run. Fast," she stammered, flushing uncomfortably.
Oh sweet macaroon nuts, my little warhead wants to tie me to her mistress and do flute-knows-what. Well, I'm confident Crystal Heart can mind control her and stop her, right?
Would she, though?
Something tells me she wouldn't....
Hmm.
Nope. Still not a blip on my fuck-o-meter. Must have broken it when I headbutted Mr. Dragon in the dragonballs.
"Well, running might be easier on my own legs," I said, waving my a forehoof at Twilight. "If a cactus can be a dad, then I can go back to being human, right?" I asked, giving Twilight a hopeful look.
"Well, about that..." Twilight began, shifting uneasily.
"Twilight..." I raised a pointed eyebrow, "C'mon, give me the good news. Tell me I'm gonna be able to wear jeans again." I was almost pleading. A thought struck me. I quickly raised the blanket covering my bottom half with my forehooves and snuck a peek underneath.
Hmmm, not bad. It sparkles so much it actually glows in the dark too. Must be some sort of evolutionary boon, makes it easier to see and/or aim with the lights off and all that. Plus I'm sure all that glitter's totally a sell for the ladies.
Dammit, why can I never manage to keep my clothes on?
"Um, well..." Twilight wasn't even looking me in the eye anymore. "Did you know that male trousers in Neigh-Giddy have three appendages instead of two?"
"Twilight, there's no taking refuge in random facts here. There. Is. A. Wang. On. My. Face," I enunciated emphatically.
"Oh, um...." Twilight fidgeted, "If it makes you feel any better, I have one too?" She pointed a front hoof at her own horn.
"I'm never flipping the bird ever again," I groaned in despair.
"Um, well, Sunset and I have started working on it and we should have a safe fix worked out by later in the afternoon, at least one that won’t leave you covered in cactus thorns. I promise you this won't be permanent. But Crystal Heart said something about just watching and waiting. And something about exponentially improving the demographics," Twilight said, about as reassuring as sandpaper toilet wipes.
"There won't be enough bubble wrap in the world for what I have planned for that adorable little lecher, " I growled ominously. "SnarkyHeart can get in line."
An awkward silence fell in the wake of my rather drenching mood. Poor Twilight shifted uncomfortably as she looked around in search of something to say. Then her face lit up as she seemed to remember something. "Oh, speaking of Dinky..." she began, awkwardly shifting the subject, "...I think you need to see something before she wakes up." She floated over a piece of parchment in her magenta glow, holding it up for me to see.
I lazily raised my eyes to look at it, stubbornly set on being as moody as I....
Time. The Universe. Everything.
Just stopped.
There was nothing but me and the picture before me.
An entire life. An entire life I had lived just rolling with things. Everything came and went, day by day. Nothing ever truly mattered. I would futilely grind through, languidly trying to make something out of nothing, trying to fool myself into thinking I was doing some good somewhere. Deep down I knew better: whether I was there or not, the world would continue to turn. Even here I knew that if I were to die to an inquisition airship, a dragon or, heck, even Maud's MLP, the ponies would carry on rebuilding their lives here in the Empire. Nothing mattered. Nothing ever did.
Just roll with it. That's all I ever do right. Just roll with it.
And then I saw this.
I felt like a blind man seeing for the first time. I saw. In the simple child's scribbles on the little torn piece of parchment, I saw everything. Everything that is; everything that could be; absolutely everything I ever want to be.
It was a picture of an incredibly tall giant that took up most of the piece of parchment. Its jet black hair was an absolute mess. The massive goofy grin on its face made it look like the universe's biggest idiot. What looked like pink rays of sunlight lanced out from his smiling face, feeding many many little pink trees that shed hearts on many many many more little stick figure ponies of many colours.
The tall giant was not alone in its mission to plant pink heart trees everywhere. In its loving embrace was what was unmistakably a filly. A little unicorn filly with a sun-gold mane and a dawn-lilac coat. She gazed up at the tall giant with a loving smile more radiant than the sun.
There were words scribbled in what was probably the worst handwriting (or is it hoofwriting? Mouthwriting?) ever at the bottom of the picture. Every stroke of every letter looked like it took every ounce of will a tiny little soul had. I couldn't read it to save my life, but the words were so strong they spoke to me nonetheless.
"Your lordship, did you know Dinky's the only true orphan here?" Twilight whispered. "I compiled the list of fillies and their close relatives as you asked. A few have sisters of adult age here, most of the others have some family or guardians somewhere. But she's the only one without a single family member." Twilight paused, fidgeting a little. "That's...quite unusual. Foals her age don't normally...uh...last long alone."
Thanks. No pressure, huh, Twilight?
Are we moving too fast? We've only known each other for all of a few hours. Are we ready for that? To be family? To be father and daughter? Hell, am I ready to be a father? What if being a superdick of a father runs in the family? What's to say I'm not going to follow in his footsteps and be an arsetard to poor little Dinky? I'd have to develop a way to beat ten flavours of snot out of myself.
I felt disgusted at myself (or, okay, a little less enamoured). Here was the sweetest, most earnest display of feelings before me. All I could think were a million excuses to reject it. There is probably a special circle of hell for people like me, you know, the kind of place reserved for looters and politicians.
Twilight must have seen the deep hesitation on my face. She gave me a soft little smile. "You know, despite everything, Sunny has some wise things to say sometimes. 'Later', 'Tomorrow' and 'One Day' are all luxuries that don't happen to us ponies. There is no such thing as 'Too Early' for us, there is only 'Too Late'. So seize your dreams today, because there might not be a tomorrow to do the same. Then again, she thought kidnapping one thousand helpless mares was a good idea, so that might not be the soundest advice." She giggled.
There is no such thing as something 'rushed' when you live minute to minute like these ponies do. As poor little Dinky does. Just a few moments ago I had come within a lizard-prick's width of losing her, Trixie, Sona and SnarkyHeart. Nobody with half a lick of sense would wait for regret. And here I was, being a wimp about it.
"I'm no expert. There are no books about this sort of thing." Twilight bit her lip. "But I watched her draw that," she said, pointing a forehoof at the drawing hovering in her magic. "I had never seen a bigger, happier smile on a filly before. But, more importantly, I had never seen you smile a bigger, happier smile than that moment when you met her."
"Dinky's name is...Dinky Doo," she ventured uncertainly, raising a hoof. "It's, like, Deeenk-ee, Dooo." She illustrated the pronunciation her name with one long flowing wave of her tiny hoof like a little orchestra conductor. "It's...ummm...." her tiny brows furrowed as she concentrated, tapping her chin with her hoof thoughtfully, "...like the sound a flower makes when it blooms open, or the sound of the sun as it pops into the sky..." she tapped her hooves together as inspiration struck her, "...or the sound of a pony falling in love and living happily ever after. Deenk-eeee, like that."
That such wonderful, intelligent innocence could blossom in this deep, dark hole. Surely there is nothing greater worth fighting for in this crapsack world?
The thought alone chased away what lingering doubts I had left. Dinky deserved it. And nothing would make me happier than to allow her what she duly deserved. There would be no 'tomorrows', no regrets.
"I know because I measured. My assessment is correct to two quinary places," Twilight added.
Dammit, Twilight, try and read the mood a little.
Before I could retort, I felt something stir in my arms-...er, hooves. "Meeeeem," it gave a soft, languid little squeak of a yawn. "Dinky can't eat anymore shooting stars..." she murmured, sleepily, her fluffy ears twitching gently. She slowly opened her big, bright golden eyes to peer up at me. "Meeep!" she squeaked, tensing up, her ears standing to attention.
"It's alright, Dinky. You might not recognize me under all this awesome, but it's me," I said, as reassuringly as I could manage. At least I still sounded like my usual dudely self. I would never live it down if I ever started speaking in Helium.
"D-Dinky knows, Mr. Muffins," she whispered, receding a little under the blanket covering my chest. She gave mournful little sob as her ears fell. "D-Dinky's sorry! So sorry!" She suddenly broke into earnest tears. "It's all Dinky's fault!"
"Hey, hey, it's alright. I'm sure it was the turnips. They always give me gas and, uh, fur." I always thought I'd be good at this sort of thing. But let's put it this way: weaponized Dinky tears would probably make a deadlier warhead than SnarkyHeart. "Hey now, Co-Overdudette," I said as soothingly as I could, reaching out to comfort her. But she quickly drew away from me, crawling backwards under the blanket.
Y'know what, I'd rather be fighting dragons again. I looked to Twilight for help. But she just gave me an encouraging nod and a smile. Right, I could totally use those things to somehow pry Dinky from this blanket. Thanks, Twilight.
I took a deep breath. Might as well get straight to the point. "Dinky, I really dig this drawing you made," I said. That earned me a quiver and a quiet 'meep' from the little blanket bunker. Well, better than nothing. "I don't think I've ever looked this good. And I think I know why." I patted the little mound underneath the blanket. "It's because I need you by my side, Dinky." The little mound trembled beneath my forehoof. "So please don't leave me like that again. Please?" Something, probably a pair of little ears, perked up under the blanket.
"D-Dinky is nothing. Worse than nothing." The little mound sniffled. "Dinky can't stay here. Dinky will only hurt more ponies!" Is there some sort of low self esteem epidemic going on here? No, really, I gotta know before I catch it and my celestial body of an ego comes crashing down. "Dinky will only hurt you, Mr. Muffins!" she wailed, retreating even further.
What to do now?
Well, I've hugged this little weaponized-cute warhead before, while she was on fire no less. That turned out okay in the end. Mostly. Why try anything new? "Hey, now." I pulled the blanket up with one forehoof. With the other I pulled the surprised little filly into a hug before she could get away. This earned me a soft, tearful squeak from her as I pulled her close against me.
"Let me tell you something, Dinky," I said. Her tiny frame felt incredibly soft and fragile. She slowly raised her big, moist golden eyes up at me fearfully. I gently wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks with my other forehoof, albeit very clumsily. "Yesterday, I was nothing. Today, I am the happiest man in this entire me-damned universe, cause you've come into my life and my hair's never been better behaved." This earned me a soft, quiet giggle from her. Even that little bit gave me a soft, warm glow within, renewing my resolve. "It is exactly because we are nothing that we can be anything and everything," I said, a lot more solemnly. "Yesterday, you may have felt you are nothing. But today you are my daughter. And tomorrow, you can be anything you want to be."
Dinky gazed up at me, her expression one of stunned disbelief. Her fluffy golden tail swishing against me spoke volumes of how she felt. "C-Can D-Dinky...?" she whispered, softly, voice shaking somewhere between doubt and hope. "C-Can Dinky really...?" Her lips trembled, her big eyes glimmering under a pool of tears.
"Daddy's rule number one, Dinky: There's only one place my kid girl's allowed to cry," I said, giving her a gentle smile, "Right here, in my, uh, hooves." Hey, I just got my very own daughter, and she's so cute she makes baby penguin eggs so jealous they probably fry themselves, okay?! I now have the daddy rights to be as sappy and corny as I like! And dammit, I'm gonna use and abuse said rights!
She flung her soft little hooves around my neck and buried her face in my chest before breaking into quiet little sobs. Something told me the little filly's not really used to crying. She held on to me, as if afraid to ever let go. And I didn’t want her to let go. Ever. Because she’s my kid girl now. I felt my heart swell at her simple acceptance, no matter how unworthy I felt. I soared. I was invincible, I was all-powerful, because for her I would never fail, I would never fall. Suddenly she was my entire universe, my everything. Dammit, she's my kid girl. Mine.
It's....
I'm...
"It's the glitter. It's in my eyes," I cried. "There's flutin' glitter everywhere. That's just my face leaking all the excess glitter, that's all. A-A-A-And this is me singing the song of my people. I-I-It's a r-r-really manly s-s-song! L-like, y-you gotta have five ballsacks t-to s-sing it r-right!" I totally did not sob. Dammit, bring Onyx back. Punching him in his succession while on fire would be my only hope of regaining any masculinity here. Twilight gave a soft chuckle at our little spectacle, much to my chagrin.
A bright golden glow embraced us both in its warmth. Little motes of light swirled gently about us, as if heralding the two sparkling orbs gently spiralling down towards us, one a brilliant sunny gold, the other a regal onyx. They slowed to a hover above us both, shedding their glow in a soft shower of sparkles to reveal two little figurines. One seemed to have been cut from the finest sapphire in the form a golden-maned little unicorn filly, caught in mid leap.
The little figurine was suddenly engulfed by two brilliant spiralling silver shooting stars. The glow dissolved away into little tendrils of light, leaving behind two solidified silver-blue shooting stars spiralling around the little filly. The filly herself was adorned in a velvet white cape emblazoned with a blue crystalline snowflake insignia, clasped about her withers by a small gold and crystal chest plate. A simple circlet of bluish white diamond encircled her mane, unassuming yet elegant. Crystal ribbons that billowed in some ethereal wind adorned all four of her hooves. She was the very picture of a brilliant shooting star, descended upon the earth to grant hopes and wishes, a regal but modest princess of the stars.
Twilight watched on breathlessly, quill scribbling furiously across her clipboard. But like any good and safe—mostly safe—scientist, she wisely did not poke the light show.
I looked down from the image of stellar cuteness to find myself being hugged tightly by a life-sized version of the same, complete with cape, circlet and ribbons. The little filly didn’t seem to have noticed, seemingly far too busy snuggling against me. "D-Dinky d-doesn't wanna wake up, e-ever!" Dinky gave a muffled squeak. "Never ever forever!"
"It's alright, Dinky," I said, hugging her as tightly as I could to reassure her this was no dream. "I don't want to either."
"D-D-Daddy?" She whispered, as if tasting the word for the first time. Forget the artillery, she didn’t waste any time aiming the orbital laser cannon right at my heart.
"Dinkyyy!" My battle-damaged heart retaliated valiantly.
"Daddy..." she repeated, with a little more certainty, peeking up at me meekly. It was like peering down the business-end of the Death Star.
"Dinkeeeeh!" My bleeding heart cried.
"Daddy!" she cried, with heartfelt conviction. "Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy,,,!" Oh my balls, the orbital laser cannon has a rapid fire mode. We are so dicked.
"Dinky Dinky Dinky Dinkeeeeeeeh...!" I struggled to keep up with my dying breath. What else do you do with dying breaths?
"Daddy times infinite!" Dinky rammed the Death Star down on me, the most adorably angelic Death Star ever.
"Dinky times infinite plus one!" I gave out one last desperate counter.
"But Daddy, you can't do that!" She slowly looked up from where she had buried her face against my chest to aim a teary pout up at me, fuzzy little ears drooping. "You lost the game!"
Gah! Forget the game, I almost lost my heart! The damn thing felt so swollen in my throat I could barely breathe. "Hnnnngggghhhhh!" I enunciated as urgently as I could, struggling for breath.
"Don't win too hard, Dinky." Twilight gave a little chuckle as she...wait, was she ticking something on a piece of parchment? Some sort of checklist? I didn't get to see it for long as the piece of parchment hovering in her magic quickly disappeared in a flash of magic.
“Dinky’ll be nice. Dinky has a daddy to look after now after all,” Dinky declared matter-of-factly.
“Wait, I’m the one being looked after?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Twilight and Dinky answered for me, rather impatiently. “Somepony needs to keep an eye on you when you’re on your nice morning walks,” Twilight added.
“Dinky ah-dope-ted-ded you, so Dinky will be a good filly and take good care of you, Daddy.” Dinky nodded sagely with a surprisingly assertive tone of finality, leaving no room for argument.
“I’m the one being adopted?” I blinked in disbelief. The flat looks on Dinky and Twilight’s faces settled it. Alright, I suppose to be fair Dinky did proposition me first. So yeah, I’ve been adopted by a little filly.
Why was I grinning crazily at this?
I just gave the little filly her first mane-ruffle in reply. She gave a giggle as she leaned into my ha-...err, hoof, ears twitching happily. Well, it’s day two of our fledgling little Empire. There’s citizens to feed, defenses to organize, policies to enact, Lyras to discipline, and Mauds/SnarkyHearts to evade. But for that perfect little moment, I was content to just bask in that happy little glow.
Oh, speaking of day two, I couldn’t help but wonder what time it was. I looked around at the tall French windows adorning the walls (if there is a France for us to have French windows, that is). It seemed rather dark outside. Was I out that long? Or did someone just forget to open my one thousand year old curtai-....
WHAT THE FLAMING MACAROON BALLSACKS?!
I stared at the windows.
The windows stared back at me.
No, seriously, the windows stared the fuck back at me. I'm not tripping or anything. Every inch of window was plastered with ponies staring into the bedroom with ravenous eyes and drooling muzzles, their bodies packed together so closely they collectively blotted out the sun. From how their plushy-like bodies were pressed against the glass, there was at least another layer or two trying to pile in behind them. The very glass was misting up in front of their muzzles with their frantic panting. What bit of glass wasn't covered by mist was drenched in drool. Or at least I hope that's just drool.
How the hell did I not notice them till just then?
“Twilight, it’s raining mares,” I whispered.
“Oh.” Twilight followed my gaze to the window. “Please don’t worry, your lordship. You’re safe in here. I have taken precautions. The windows are Empire Crystal, and Crystal Heart already told us they are practically indestructible.”
“I was in danger to begin with?” I couldn’t help but feel one eye twitching rather dangerously.
“Well,” Twilight began, tapping her chin with a hoof thoughtfully, “you know how you’re a pony right now?”
“Gee, Twilight, I hadn’t noticed. Wowzee, I’m a pony!” I raised my hooves in mock surprise.
“Well then, you know how a daddy pony and a mommy pony come together and the daddy pony puts his….” the unicorn began, as if imparting a timely lecture.
“Holy flying nutsacks, woman, there is a filly here!” I pointed out, flattening Dinky’s ears against her sides with my forehooves. Dinky cocked her head to one side at me quizzically. “Yes, I know all about the magic foal fountain in the sky!”
“Uh…” Twilight gave me a long, hard look before wisely deciding to cut to the chase, “Well, you see, mommy ponies are most ready to have foals during a certain period every year. During this time they release a special fragrance to attract daddy ponies. But daddy ponies can release this special fragrance whenever they are in the mood. It is thought that strong enough fragrances could in fact cause mommy ponies to become receptive to having a foal and…”
“Wait.” I raised a hoof to cut her lecture short. “You’re saying my body odour is doing that?” I demanded, pointing a forehoof at the window. The window gave a rather worrying creak in reply.
“Um, yes.” Twilight nodded. “Right now you alone are releasing more pheromones than an entire village of ponies throughout an entire heat.”
Great. Now I’m a walking sex nuke. “Must be all my raw, irresistible sexual magnetism I had pent up for a thousand years coming out at once,” I reasoned, as calmly as possible, which wasn’t much considering we were trapped in a zombie apocalypse; a very sexy zombie apocalypse. “So, what do I do to avoid getting mobbed and raped by a horde of pony sex zombies? And, more importantly, are they the bitey-kind of zombies or the sucky-kind?”
“Turn off the pheromones?” Twilight suggested, looking hopeful.
“Oh, of course we can turn it off.” I rolled my eyes. “Let’s see. There’s the dial for my ‘awesome’, there’s the trigger for my ‘wit’, there’s the emergency lever for my ‘sarcasm’....” I closed my eyes in mock meditation, “Nope, the OverPheromones don’t have an ‘off’ button.”
“Um, perhaps do whatever Ms. Twilight is doing?” Dinky had somehow managed to wiggle her ears free of my hooves to offer her suggestion.
I looked between Dinky and Twilight. How the burning ballsacks did I miss that?
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Excel-Sorroritas Vigilans, The Holy Book of the Divine Vigil OverMaidens of The OverEvilness.
The Book of Fire, Fires 1:11: And she brazenly demanded of her saviour, “Who are you? Who are you to promise us salvation? To give me hope?” For she was a sinner who had slain her own in the Adversary’s name. She lived every waking moment aware of this, for in every sleeping her soul burns in Tartarus whence she knew the burden of her sins would carry her. But when she was welcomed with open arms to the OverEvilness’ sanctuary, in her despair she was blind to his benevolence. She doubted him, for she saw his kindness as a liability and his embrace of his beloved chosen as a weakness. And with her words she thusly challenged him. But the OverEvilness, in his infinite generosity, saw fit not to jettison her into orbit with an almighty hip thrust from his hidden horn, the very same with which he had dispatched the mighty dragon Lord Onyx. Instead, he said unto her, "I am everything my ponies make me. I am everything my ponies are. And I will bear everything you are, my little pony." In that moment he accepted her, for all that she was, bloody sinner and all. He took upon himself the burden of her being. And thusly OverSaint Spitfire was freed of the Adversary’s taint, and became the first to be booptised. As she became his, so did she became his first OverMaiden. Thusly was the first Order of OverMaidens founded.
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Ecclesiarch Prioris, The Holy Book of the Divine Chantry OverMaidens of The OverEvilness
The Book of Hearts, Heart 32:34: And at that exact moment, her holiness, OverSaint Crystal Heart, sensing in her heart and her nethers the formation of Oversaint Spitfire’s Generation 2 MLP and her ascension into his order of OverMaidens, raised her head to the heavens in fervent gratitude and cried in ecstasy, “He had sex!” And she saw that it was Legendary. There was much cheering, celebrating and clopping. And OverSaint Heartstrings was not jealous. At all.
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Oh, my. A fresh update after a long break? But I don't remember enough of this story to just pick it back up!
I'm going to have to start reading this all over from the start!
The humanity!!
Oh well... one must do what one must do.
IT'S ALIVE! I'M SO HAPPY! I LOVE YOU MAN!
ADHD SAVES LIVES!
And cute unicorns, but ADHD SAVES LIVES!
Hello, I'll be your psychiatrist today. Your daily quote is:
The judge, jury, and executioner most often is yourself. If it's not, you're doing something wrong, but feel free to correct me. Death is an escape way that many take.
Are you going to take it? Or are you going to wash yourselves of sin, despair, and fear and cloth yourself in love, hope, and peace?
Live.
I can't breathe right now.... so many references... so many puns.
You magnificent bastard, you.
Like a lot of yall, I am happy to see this chapter out for all to laugh and "daww" at. Also feels good to be helping with the very story of Pen's that got me hooked on his rather wonderful sense of impeccable British humor.
Be sure to also send some love Not A Hat's way and let him know you appreciate his hard work, as he is an excellent sounding board with a good sense of humor and writing talent!
As always, stayed tuned for more OverGoodness... same Overdude time, same Overdude channel!
I have a cure for stupidity!
---As said by the greatest nurse of all time, Redheart.
That's hot. Undescribably hot.
I... I have no words for this... I believe that I have stated before that this story is complete and utter gold... but I have no words for this...
Especially concerning Booptism...
Also known as nymphomaniacs.
Smiles are used by jaws.
There are things called the Jaws of Life.
Ergo, Overdude can use Twilight's smile to pry Dinky from this blanket.
Somebody slap me.
I feel like a jackass.
Being on dangerous, life threatening walks is nice!
HALLELUJAH! I'VE BEEN WAITING!
I'm crying manly tears right now...The love here is so much! As well as the comedy!
I found a error. Awesomeness autocorrected it with pony Amaaonesses!
Lyra Heartstrings wrote the OverBible.
I hate religion on principle.
I am converted to...
OVERISM!
ALSO THE FEELS WERE SO HIGH IN THIS ONE CHAPTER! I WAS CRYING TEARS OF MANLINESS!
THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL!
Ah~ I love this shit. It's perfect.
I...can't...breathe...
5674924
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Awwwwww! Dinky got a daddy!
Wait, so the Overdude got laid with Spitfire after Dinky made that suggestion? Anyway, I'm glad to see that this story is back. I really missed the guy's adventures and, now that he's a pony, watching the mares' perverted attraction to the guy. I really hope the next chapter comes soon so that we can see if the guy gets rid of the mares, made Spitfire his girlfriend , or if he got raped by Twilight and the mares, or if Lyra goes Yankee on him for sleeping with Spitfire first.
Wow, the backstory with spitfire made things seemed so dark and rainbow & ditzy were also a part of her past? Dayum! then dinky's adoption brought back a lot of the daawsand and fuzzy that I love about this story. Though the transformation into a pony is an odd direction, I hope it's not permanent or something, I don't know.
Also the part where crystal heart says "he had sex", where the hay was that!?!
Anyway, another interesting chapter right here, please don't make us wait long for the next one, I need my dose of crazy, laughter and adorkableness often, if not, then I become wired!
Oh, God, such a pain I can't upvote you again. Or a hundred times. It was glorious. But I prefer the human overdude, hope it's temporal. I'll be waiting for the next chapter
He had sex how?
and what was twilight doing? Magic? Clopping? Or was she doing...him?
I remember reading this on FanFiction. Awesome.
cineawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/cacS2E001.jpg
He is really living up to his savior messiah status by bearing sins. Quite ballsy.
New chapter!
http://youtu.be/xY7KCcX_lQk?t=18s
5675253 accidental penetration?
I am SO glad this updated... now it just needs to update more.
OH! You! You deserve such a pinch!
I was about to declare this series dead & say R.I.P to it. But glad you updated it.
Ow.
Please stop...
Wait... how did Spitfire survive the SnarkyBomb?
Great. Dark magic.
Crapsacks worlds, gotta love them.
Aww...
NOOOOOT GOOOOOOOD!
Okay good, it's not permanent... so why did it happen in the first place? Besides the obvious potential to make wang-on-head jokes?
That picture... oh man you melted my heart.
The fact that you're even considering that might happen, pal.
Oh, that's why it happened. Dinky pulled a Twilight on Overdude.
You can't see the massive grin on my face...
JOKE'S ON YOU!
Love the book and... booptised is now a word.
Probably not, Crystal, but keep hoping.
I'm usuallly not the one that likes having the main protagonist (human) become a pony, since it feels like a human (with a human body) could influence the story and knowledge better, of the world at large. That being said, this story feels like it requires the Overdude to attain some sort of power like magic (unicorn or possibly Alicorn) to be able to protect his "little ponies".
So, from me "F*** YES! Continue writing awesomesauce, i don't care he became a pony, because he really needs the power (UNLIMITED POWAAAAHH!)
.
Also, I for one VERY much approve of "GENERAL Ditzy"
This was exceptionally good. Worth the wait. Moar soon plix?
IT LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the perfect song for Overdude,
ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH !!!!
Excellent effort for the story!
The comedy is what I'd call Intelligent Humour. It meshes surprisingly well with the characters and plot rather than manifesting in weak attempts at out of place humour/one-liners. The protagonist doesn't 'attempt' comedy, he's established right from the beginning as someone who is impossible to take seriously (an Ironic Hero.) This worked amazingly well.
We realize that the outside world is incredibly edgy but the protagonist's inner monologue and impenetrable naiveté as well as the quirkiness of the ponies and setting keeps the gloomy aspects firmly at bay. Its been impossible to feel depressed while reading this story and that is the strangest and most wonderful thing. This is a story I never knew I could love.
Haha. A pizza dude in his unstoppable cluelessness must lead an army of cute, fluffy, magical animals against an uber tyrant god and is somehow going to succeed. That premise alone is pure gold.
My piece of advice is that you try to maintain the tone as much as you can. It's okay slipping a little but the premise and comedy are what won me over. I'd advise going back and reading the prologue and trying to stay reasonably close to that level of humour, (much of it came from the protag's inner monologue and your adept writing ability to turn any situation into a barrel of laughs.)
I stoped reading after it revealed that he had hooves. Please tell me he turns back into a human. Especially before the apparent lemon scen that the other comments keep saying happened.
I really hope he does turn back into a human before then. If not this story has been ruined for me.
Y'know, I've had this in my read it later for ages but I kept putting it off. "It looks silly", I thought. "It'll be stupid and ridiculous."
And today, I picked it up and read it, and lo, I found it was all of those things.
And also BRILLIANT.
Stories like this are the main reason I should not be reading fimfic at work, because I have to answer a lot of questions about what all this 'laughter' and 'joy' is doing in an office environment.
There is only one thing that I can say...
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I squeed when I saw this update. Also, please, please, please, leave him as a pony. It feels so much more right for him to be a pony Emperor as opposed to human.
I know he is a unicorn but is he a vampire because with all those walks he might need it
5675880
...Really? You stopped because he went pone?
If you read on, you would have learnt that Twilight and Shimmer were currently in the process of creating a spell that would take, and I'm quoting this:
Why did him going pone put you off? Did you think it was going to become the generic wish fulfilment fics people that are somewhat literate write and put up?
dude great work, even when i am not a fan of the human turned pony formula... but meh. totally worth the wait
P.S. you really have to publish that one about the embassy/school for ponies, full fave all the way to the popular box
I like the 'scriptures.' Nice touch. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
5676193
Yes, I did. Even put the story into my read later list and off of my favorites because of it.
Why? I simply don't like it when such happens. And not just for FiM fanfiction, but for other stories with a " human enters other world" premise. I especially hate it when such transformations also occure when possible romance is involed.
Once a transformation happens it ruins the point of the protagonist being a human, and the appeal. Doesn't matter how it happens, or how well writtenthe story is. Doing such kills the story for me.
Anyway, thank you for letting me know. Hopefully he does change back by the next chapter. If not, oh well. Just another story I won't read.
That. That line. That line right there. I want it, and I will fight you to the death atop an erupting volcano for the rights to it.
Did I read this right that he became a Crystal Pony? The only Crystal Pony besides Crystal Heart?
5676317 personally i dont like the human turned pony formula unless is something temporal and is not used as a proxy for the mc to have sex with ponies