The Evil Overdude Awakens
-People couldn't become truly holy unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked-
~Sir Terry Pratchett~
Ahem...
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.
I don't know why I'm reading this to you. This would have sounded much better narrated by Morgan Freeman. Pity he's in the next universe over, plus I doubt he accepts payment in bits. So sorry, you're kind of stuck with me. And yeah, I can tell you're already familiar with the story, even without you staring at me blankly like that. You know what happens next. Little sister likes that place where the sun don't shine. She gets upset that nopony else shares her interests. Little sister gets jealous and does what every angry little sister does on a juvenile temper tantrum, kick their big sister's sun-loving-butt straight into the sun, lock her butt away in a fiery sun prison and shove the key where her sister don't shine. Which by then was pretty much all of the world.
Hmm, what's the frown for? What, you don't like that place where the sun don't shine? Well, people got used to it quite fast. Cause the little sister went all the way after that. Dressed all in black, called herself some really goth name. 'Nightmare Moon', I think it was. By now you could easily gather that she gets off from shoving stuff where the sun don't shine, so she decided to go and give the rest of the world all seven flavours of stuff-shoving. She led the 1000 armies of her Equestrian Empire on a dark crusade to quite literally own the entire known world. Empires, kingdoms, cities, towns, homesteads and every whorehouse, outhouse, hen house and birdhouse in Equus, nothing was spared her epic hard-on for world conquest.
Finally she came knocking on the last free kingdom on the planet, some backwater place everyone almost forgot about called 'Talicon'. By then, her people, ponykind, were already known across the world as the 'pony scourge' (they were known as many other things but to save repetition they were mostly every possible synonym for 'butt' and 'sex' and combinations thereof). Unfortunately for her somegod called Ahuizotl didn't quite see eye to eye with her and decided to show her where she should stick it. He made the Taliconians, a race of felines called the 'Felis', his 'Chosen' people, and bestowed upon six of them his 'Elements of Order'. Together they defeated Nightmare Moon and her pony scourge. Nightmare Moon ate moon dirt for the next 1000 years while the pony menace was finally put to the service of good to forever atone for their sins.
Happily Ever After. The End.
Or so it was for Ahuizotl and his chosen Felis for the next 1000 years.
The ponies, meanwhile, were reduced to slaves, blinkered and harnessed in the service of their Felis masters. Bereft of their freedom, their dreams and hopes, they became just that, creatures of burden. Long have they forgotten how they used to wear their hopes and dreams proudly upon their backs, how they would show off their marks as proof of their special talents and abilities.
And then it all went wrong. After 1000 years of blank flanks the marks began appearing again, spreading like a plague amongst the ponies. The Ahuizotl inquisitors saw this as a sign of demon worship of the twin devils Nightmare Moon and Celestia. They responded swiftly, beginning a new age of witch-hunting to hunt down every single one of these 'abominations unto Ahuizotl'.
It was during this age of terror that one mad unicorn sorceress, in a desperate bid for vengeance, turned to ponykind's worst nightmare...and possibly last hope. She would gather a sacrifice worthy of the greatest demon to ever ravage Equus, 1000 virgin mares, and offer them in a rite to summon the Dark Overlord of the Crystal Mountains back to Equus.
Yeah, definitely should've gotten Morgan Freeman for this. Narrating my own epic accident feels awkward as heck.
"Awaken, o'lord!" A voice bellowed. Forget waking me up, even the dead would wake up just to complain about the noise.
Right, my ass isn't on fire, I don't hear the world ending outside, and I got nothing cute and cuddly in my bed. Nope, not persuaded. "5 more minutes." I muttered in determined defiance, turning over uneasily.
"Awaken, for thy time hath cometh at last!"
I groaned. My alarm clock was being very talkative today. And 'cometh'? From the sounds of it, it was constipated too. I didn't like that, not at all. "20 more minutes." I bargained.
"Awaken! Rise! Open sesame!" The voice demanded, a hint of urgency creeping into it.
When are you going to learn that this isn't my fetish? Whip cream and chocolate sauce or nothing! "Try again in one thousand years." I growled.
"One thousand years thou hath slumbered in thy prison. But no more! Arise, O'dark overlord!"
Already?! That was fast! What in holy macaroons was my snooze button set to?! Forget late to work, I'm late for the whole universe!
You know what, sod it. I'm pretty sure all those pizza deliveries are long overdue by now. I don't know what one thousand years does to mozzarella cheese (and I don't want to find out) but I'm pretty sure the crusts are harder than steel by now.
The impatient tapping on the ground outside told me the voice was not impressed with my morning habits. "There must be a part I'm missing. The key to a heart frozen for one thousand long years. Ah! Yes, of course, the sacrifice!" Something made a snap of inspiration. "With this most humble offering of one thousand untainted and willing virgins upon thy throne to welcome thee back unto thy realm, we bid thee grace Equus once more with thy greatness!"
'Wait, what, where?!' I sat up abruptly, my eyes fluttering open with a start. That most certainly got my attention. So did the really hard thing I banged my head against. And no, it wasn't the morning wood.
"Err...." The voice sounded uncertain. She must have heard my little accident. "My lord, is that you?" Yep, she had.
"I think so." I answered blearily, feeling rather stupid as I blinked away the pain. There was only darkness in here. I certainly hope that knock hadn't done away with my eyes. I needed them to, well, visually appreciate stuff!
A little bit of light thankfully shone through into the darkness. My eyes quickly clapped upon the source, a little crack in the low ceiling of whatever it was I was lying on. Or in, as it were. Whatever it was, it looked like my expert use of my head had dislodged it a little.
I reached up and found that while it was heavy, it slid off quite easily. Ah, it was a lid. On a...a coffin, really? Aw, man, I told them not to have my funeral without me. And what's with this coffin? It looked like a pigeon doo magnet, all boring stone engravings and stuff, like something that belonged in the Flintstones.
With a shove I slid the rest of it off. There was a resounding crash as the lid slammed into the ground. A few gasps and cries joined the echoes bouncing off the high shadowy ceilings above. Sounded like at least 1000 feminine voices to me. This was promising. Hopefully they weren't all echoes.
So, random voice shouting at me to wake up. There's talk of a sacrifice to me. There's 1000 possible virgins involved. And I'm in a coffin.
It looked like I found a dream worth rolling with. Must have been all the nachos and ice cream I had before bed.
I threw my best hand forwards into the dusty air, attracting a few more gasps and cries. Then, grasping the edge, I heaved myself up. Ouch, the stiffness in my limbs almost felt real as I pulled myself up to my full height.
Cries, gasps, even screams with added whimpers. Yeah, I'm getting better at this.
I hope it wasn't my bed hair. Last time this happened at summer camp they called in the wild animal containment squad.
"Omigoshomigoshomigosh it's a humaaaan!" There was an excited squee amongst the crowd amidst all the screams.
"Lyra, ssssshhh!" Another voice hushed urgently.
"Behold! Thy new master hath awoken and walks amongst his chosen herd once again!" The voice declared to a new wave of fearful whimpering.
I turned to face my very tenacious alarm clock sitting next to my coffin bed thing. Except my alarm clock had grown what looked like four legs, a pair of ears, even long flowing fiery red and gold....is that a mane? And it had even evolved a tail of the same fearsome hue? And it had even developed some sort of crazy cultist streak. But, most strikingly, it had evolved a mouth. A very loud one.
"Do not run!" It roared. There was a rush of loud clanking and clinking. Something in my alarm clock's mane glowed an ominous blazing blue. Chains enveloped in a ghostly cerulean glow rose out of the darkness and rushed forth through the air. More shrieks and cries from the shadows below sailed up to us. "Why would thou runnest from thine own Master's glorious presence?! Face thy master, embrace thy fate!"
"Phew." She (yes, I decided she was a 'she'. Nothing with balls can sound that cute and feisty) wiped some sweat off what seemed to be her forehead before turning a pair of sapphire-tinted orbs up towards me.
Then she recoiled, falling over backwards onto her hindlegs as she raised a foreleg to shield herself, "Eeeeeeep!" She squeaked.
"Err. Are you...alright?" I ventured awkwardly.
"Uuh, sorry, my most gracious lord, I was simply, er, taken aback, umm, by awe and awestruckness at your awesomefulness." She said clumsily, sliding into more modern speech in her anxiety. Her wide eyes never left me as she quickly scrabbled back onto her....feet? Hooves? "O'lord, you have chosen a form most unsightly, hideous and repulsive!" Each word was a poisoned blade in my feeble pride. "One most fitting for a dark lord of your stature!" Hey, my bed hair has feelings too, alright?
She pulled out a folded sheet of paper and peered down at it, glancing up at me periodically. "Hmm, same hair, same grin, same stare....more or less the right ballpark." It wouldn't be until much later that it occured to me to ask her just how insanely big that ballpark was. "The ugliness must be a little flaw in the summoning canticles and peripherals. Probably didn't need the fourth crystal shadow. Should've gone with muffins and duct tape." She nodded to herself.
"Look, I know my last shower was probably 1000 years ago, but no need to be that hurtful." I muttered, flattening my unruly hair as best as I could.
"I bid thee welcome, our new dark lord and master." She quickly regained her composure and did what I suppose was a four-legged curtsey as she bobbed low in reverence. Gotta hand it to her, she recovered fast, for someone who looked as if she had just seen Cthulhu himself.
I need a haircut, maybe do without a tentacle or two.
I shrugged and just rolled with it. I've had to roll with worse on waking up. A crazy cultist in the shape of a fiery gold and yellow firebomb on legs revering me as a dark lord was quite tame by comparison. Heck, I even had my clothes on.
Right?
A quick check confirmed the presence of a pair of dark grey jeans and a black turtleneck upon my person. A new personal record.
My lack of an immediate reaction seemed to prompt my alarm clock to open her mouth once more. "I am Starswirl the Bearded the 12.5th, your most humble and loyal servant, o'lord." She gave me a conspiratorial side-glance and added in a hushed whisper, "But you may call me Sunset Shimmer, in private."
"Bearded?" I peer at her up and down, trying to find this elusive beard. Must be some kind of species-specific anatomical variation. She seemed to blush quite visibly from this, if that tint of rosy red about her muzzle is indeed a blush.
"Etymological, not, in actual fact, anatomical." She added, quickly.
"So, uhh...." I began, feeling a touch of hope amidst the rather confusing chaos, one I decided to roll with until something better came up, "Where are the 1000 virgins?" I asked, shamelessly. Hey, it's a start. A promising one, I might add. Yeah, sue me for looking out for number 1.
"Right here before you, o'lord!" She waved a hoof out towards the sea of darkness before us. As if on cue, a series of glow-y crystal thingies set in stone braziers high up on the walls lit up, flooding the grand chamber in a cascade of bright light. I took in our surroundings for the first time. Glowing spires of blue and purple crystal rose all around us, twining together above us to form a magnificent crystalline dome so dizzyingly high I almost triggered my fear of heights just looking up. Beyond them masses of interwoven gems formed mighty walls that enclosed the chamber in their prismatic light.
More shrieks and cries of fear and doom and many other side-effects of wanton evil permeated the cavernous hall. I cast my eyes down and found the source, our audience. They seemed like more variants of my alarm clock, all in various colours and flavours of manes and tails. Some even had what looked like wings. And the penny finally dropped as I realized what my alarm clock and all her lookalikes were - horses. Technicolour horses. Well, small horses, but definitely horses.
And yeah, technicolour. It was like a mix-and-match gum-drop bag of sacrificial offerings. Yep, there must a thousand of them in here. I can feel their stares threatening to set my hair on fire.
1000 virgins, huh? Yep, it had been too good to be true. I must be moving from the ice cream phase to the nacho phase of my dream cycle. I could almost feel the jalapeno punch line sock me in the morning wood. Like the worst punny punchline ever, it was in the truest sense of the word a nightmare.
"Err....are you done horsing around?" I asked in one last valiant attempt at hope, oh foolish hope. Something inside me died from the horrific pun. It shall not be missed. "Are the virgins hiding behind those horses or something? Cause, you know, they don't have to be shy or anything."
"Er, my lord, they are ponies." My most loyal and humble servant said, confirming my despair "And they are all virgin mares too, might I add. All 1000 of them."
I couldn't help but raise an inquisitive eyebrow.
"I checked. Personally." She added, as if it helped. There was mass blushing at this, a few indignant hoof stomps, even low growls. No. Noooo. Dudete, just, no, just just, no. "I even went ahead and picked out the crème of the crop for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, these blossoms definitely rank 'I'd tap dat plot'."
I have no understanding of equine sexuality, but did you just come out of the closet in front of an entire audience of sacrificial offerings to some evil overlord person?
Huh, what a liberal world my dream had landed me in.
From the looks of things this evil outfit wouldn't even need a great hero to vanquish it. This little creep was doing well enough digging her own grave. I, for one, was not keen on hanging around to join her, even if it was just a rather odd nightmare.
"I'm going back to sleep." I muttered, lowering myself back into my bed. Hopefully the next dream I stopped at featured at least some quality entertainment, maybe something involving wet paint and bubble wrap.
Hmmm...bubble wrap.
"Err, umm, wait! M'lord! T-that was but y-your appetizer, a mere taste of the main dish!" My most loyal servant squeaked nervously.
Well, since I was here, I might as well. "Alright." I waved a hand at her to continue, "Do show me."
"With pleasure, m'lord." She said, waving a hoof. Something amidst her mane glowed again. The chains appeared again, this time pulling a struggling little conga line of....
"What are those?" I ask, squinting at the struggling and crying shapes below.
"Fillies, m'lord." My servant replied, simply.
"Like, younger mares? Is that it?" I blinked, "What am I supposed to do with them, exactly?" They looked about the size and general shape of footballs. They even looked like they'd bounce.
"Uhh...welll...." My loyal servant sighed, creeping up close and raising a hoof to my ear.
Whisper...whisper...whisper...
"Uhuh..." I nodded.
Whisper....whisper...whisper...
"Wait, what, cheese sandwiches? From where?"
Whisper...*deep breath*....whisper......
"Dudette!" I snapped, reeling back from my servant in horror, "the flying macaroons is wrong with you?!"
"I have learned of your deepest and darkest secrets, things that would make the skin of even the most fearsome manticores crawl, oh darkest and most evil of dread lords." My servant placated me with all the wrong platitudes.
"You got my skin crawling alright." I muttered, shivering.
"Oh, if it helps, I also got your number one assistant's approval on the selection." She added. Ah, it was reassuring to know my beauty pageant judge panel consisted of two.
Not.
If anything I had twice the number of hands (or is it hooves?) diligently digging the grave. It looked like it was going to be a rather crowded one too.
More importantly, does my number one assistant even know my taste in sacrificial virgins? Alright, sure, I had very little experience in the matter, but if I did I'd have very rigorous standards. Not to be racist or anything, but they'd be more or less the same species for starters.
But ah well, I was probably being too harsh. Picking out sacrificial virgins, 1000 of them no less, can't be a regular thing even for an assistant to an evil overlord. And it's not like they can walk into the local supermarket and order them in bulk or something. So I suppose I should hand him or her points for effort. I'm generous like that. I couldn't help but wonder what this number 1 assistant looked like. The image of a simpering little hunchback groaning 'Iiiiigooor' appeared in my mind.
"Crystal Heart!" My loyal servant shouted in the general direction of nothing. "Hey, Crystal Heart, wake up!"
"Nnnnghhh?" A soft, sleepy little voice moaned, which would've been cute had it not been so loud it echoed and shook the entire room. "What is it now, Sunny?" The voice bellowed sleepily, if that was even possible.
"C-Crystal Heart, turn down the volume!" My servant shouted over the echoes.
"Oh." The voice shook the chamber once more. "Better?" The voice, smaller, quieter, just as sleepy, came from right behind me.
I turned around to find myself blinded by a blast of prismatic light. It left me blinking out sunspots out of my eyes as the light dissipated, leaving behind yet another...pony was it? This one sported a coat and mane of cyan blue that seemed to shimmer and flow under the light. The theme seemed to include her wings and...was that a spiral-grooved horn poking out of her puffy mane?
Huh, looks like evil creepy hunchbacks are at a premium here. Instead I get the adorably cute evil dark overlord assistant package. Well, as long as it knows where we keep the lightning rods, it's cool.
"Crystal Heart?" My servant finally said after a moment of silence following the apparition of my number one assistant. "Hey, Crytal Heart? Cr-..." She was cut off by a little snore. The little creature hadn't been around for but a moment before she had resumed snoozing on her forehooves. "Wake up!" She snapped. "You've already slept in for 1000 years! Can't you be awake for at least one day?!"
I take it back. If this was my number 1 assistant, I'd hate to see the number 2. Going by trend, it's probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
"T-the crystal h-heart...?" A voice spoke up in the audience.
"What is it, Twilight darling?"
"That's the crystal heart, one of the most powerful magical artifacts in Equus! But I thought it was destroyed with Sombra."
"Well, egghead, looks like you're wrong for once."
"Hey! That period of history is almost a closed book to everypony in Equus! Even my knowledge is considered..."
"Can the peanut gallery kindly SHUT UP?!" My servant bellowed at the audience, "And you, Crystal Heart, wake up I say!"
"Nnnnghhh...?" My number 1 assistant groaned, groggily, "Oh, welcome back, Master." She said, noticing me. She got up onto her hooves only to bob down again to give me a low bow.
"So, uhh, Crystal Heart, he's the one, is he?" My servant whispered aside to my assistant.
"...." My assistant squinted at me through sleepy deep blue eyes, eyebrows furrowing as she tried to make me out in her grogginess. "He'll do." She finally said, "Yes, he's the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." She waved a hoof dismissively as she sank back into a stupor.
That...wasn't the most reassuring ascension to power I had ever seen. And neither was my 'most loyal' servant doubting me. But ah well, I'll take what I can get in this dream. Besides, my personal experience with leaders rising to power tend to involve either heads getting chopped off or, worse, voting, so who am I to complain?
If this is the second opinion in my sacrificial offering selection, I couldn't help but begin to worry for my life, just a little.
"The Crystal Heart hath spoken! The Emperor of the Crystal Empire rises once more! You, his chosen herd, shall be exalted amongst ponykind for your service in our race's glorious return to power!" My servant bellowed to the audience with renewed fervour. "With our own nation finally secured we shall carve ourselves a home for ponykind in Equus!"
You're serious? You're really deciding the evil overlord based on the word of this half-comatose snooze-ball? Why couldn't anybody ever take me this seriously?
"Too loud." Crystal Heart muttered, flopping over in her sleep.
"So, you helped in this....selection?" I asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow, as the speech went on with spitting gusto.
"Yes, yes." Crystal Heart mumbled, waving another dismissive hoof sleepily. "I have a discerning eye for quality. My imperative comes from the Emperor himself. Priority 1, 'Plot', Priority 2, 'Lots of Plots', Priority 3, 'Dat Plot'."
"Very simple." I finally managed to remark. I was quickly coming to a conclusion - The last emperor was a bit of a dick.
"I like simple." She rolled over onto her back, yawning. "You stand in the remains of the Crystal Empire, greatest of nations of Equus." She began to explain, as if by rote. "I am the Crystal Heart. Mine is the great labour of maintaining the day to day functions of this Empire for my Masters."
"Day to day, huh?" I wiped a finger across my coffin for dust. The edge snapped and crumbled to dust under my finger. More like century to century, if at all.
"We have suffered a slight reduction in efficiency." My assistant yawned, "I'm afraid the previous Emperor has not turned up for a while."
"A while?" I raised an eyebrow.
"About one thousand years." She shrugged her....do ponies even have shoulders to shrug with? Oh, right, 'withers'. Or something like that.
One thousand years? Really? Forget turning up, the dude's dead, girl.
"This may have had something to do with him being disintegrated to a sub-harmonic level which, I assure you Master, I was not involved in at all." The little pony went on. Yeah, that might have something to do with it, totally. "Sunset Shimmer reactivated me pending the summoning of my new Master. Now that you are here and I have awoken proper I shall initiate the Empire's post-disaster revitalization protocol. Our first priority is to return the Empire to full civic functioning. A population of at least 5.000 citizens will be necessary. For additional military functionality and the necessary infrastructure to sustain it, 10.000 citizens will be necessary. The n of 1000 as a starting seed population was chosen to allow a sustainable and balanced growth curve to achieve our target within the most efficient time frame." She explained smoothly, before yawning again.
"Wait, you're implying?" I blinked, mouth drying, horror dawning. "Besides the obvious biological hitch in your plan, me being the wrong species and all that, you're kind of ignoring the most obvious variable."
"What?" Crystal Heart muttered, suddenly looking irritable. She didn't seem to like people questioning her or her elephants in the room.
"The male variable, with an n of 1." I pointed out.
"Oh, the Emperor personally inputted that variable as a constant." She explained, airily.
"Oh, and what is it?" I asked, skeptically.
"He defined his virility as 'infinity'." She said, dead serious.
Alright, I stand corrected, this Emperor guy isn't a bit of a dick, he's a pretty big dick, and not in that way either.
"Can I correct that variable?" I asked.
"Are you making a humble and embarrassing confession, Master?" She gave me a questioning look.
"Okay, no." Dammit, stupid pride.
"Good." Crystal Heart nodded with satisfaction, "While I do not expect you to make us proud, I will at least expect some measure of satisfactory performance."
"No pressure, huh?" I chuckled uneasily.
"I proclaim no conflict of interest in the matter. It is not like the love generated towards you by your followers is my primary source of power." Crystal Heart said, offhand. Or is it offhoof?
"Wait what?" I blinked, "Are you really...." I found my voice trailing off as the speech ripped my attention back with all the force of a bull in a firestation.
"......his prowess great, his virility vast, his lust so passionate no less than 10 mares a night is enough to sate his appetite!" My loyal servant's enthusiastic speech to the audience had caught up with the topic at hand. How it got from nation building to here was a roadmap I probably did not want to follow.
Wait, 10 what?
I turned to look at Crystal Heart for the dreaded confirmation.
"Yes, 10. It's the minimum variable stipulated by the previous Emperor." My assistant helpfully supplied.
This Emperor person needs help. Probably of the psychiatric kind, if not the punch-to-the-face kind.
You know what, I'm not even going to argue.
"This Crystal Empire was once led by the dread Emperor Sombra." My loyal servant said. Ah, so that's the name of the dick whose shoes I'm stepping into. At least it was an easy one to carve into an epitaph. "That was until he was defeated by the hooves of Nightmare Moon and her 1000 armies of Equestria. You all know the story, 1000 years ago in her jealousy of Celestia and her day, Nightmare Moon rose up and cast her sister into the sun. But her appetite for conquest did not end there. No, she lead ponykind in a glorious crusade to conquer the known world, all of Equus. Ponykind was not just mighty then, no, we were conquerors, valiant, fearsome! We were not mere beasts of burden, blinkered and harnessed like pack mules! We were a free race who lived with dignity and pride!"
"We live this way for our sins!" A voice spoke up in the crowd, "Lord Ahuizotl could have destroyed us all with Nightmare Moon 1000 years ago when He saved all of Equus! But His mercifulness spared us and allowed us to live and serve His empire in atonement!"
"They are not our sins to bear!" Sunset Shimmer had brought herself to her full height, her brilliant fiery eyes glowering with a fearsome force of will. She stomped a hoof imperiously as she continued, "We live now, as slaves to our masters, for a crime that had died 1000 years ago with the last of Nightmare Moon's army! But no more! No more shall we live stomped underhoof! No more will we live in fear for the lives of our loved ones! It is our turn! With a dark lord of our own, we shall now rise once more and reap vengeance upon this world!"
"Err, excuse me, what does this glorious plan of yours involve?" I couldn't help but interrupt. "I mean, I get all the vengeance and stuff, but in what exact shape or form, really?"
"Simple. A crusade of darkness and evil that will leave the slaver Empire in flaming smoking ruins!" She declared, "Lead by your glorious self, off course, o'lord!"
"Err..." I begin, uncertain, not knowing how to exactly put it into words. It was simple, certainly, maybe to a fault. "I don't do flaming ruins and darkness and stuff." I say, deciding to keep it simple. "All that smoke and darkness' kind of hard on the emission taxes, not to mention my complexion, know what I mean?"
"What?" She demanded in disbelief. "But..."
"Yeah, no." I say, crossing my arms defiantly.
"But...." She growled, "You will!" She barked angrily. "I summoned you for a reason, and you will follow through!"
"Says you and what army?" I demanded. I felt for them, I do, but I would not be told to afflict mayhem that is not of my own choosing, especially not in my own dreams.
"Me! I say, me!" She stomped her hooves repeatedly and pouted angrily, fiery eyes brimming with tears. "Stop being such a meanie head!" She cried in frustration.
"Evil. Overlord." I reminded her.
"Hmph! Well, being the geniusful awesome that I am, I have prepared a 1000 year old ancient control spell that will ensure your absolute...." She began, taking out a sheet of parchment with a triumphant smirk.
I swiped it out of her hooves and before she could even whine in protest I had thrown it in my mouth and chewed it exactly 42 times. "And now it shall stay 1000 years old. Hmmm, didn't know fail came in that flavour." I said, munching thoughtfully.
"He eats 1000 year old spells?!" A voice in the audience gasped in disbelief.
"1000 years in 10 seconds flat."
"Looks like it, Twi', and ah think there are worse things he could be eatin'." Another voice said. "Y'know, like, ponies, f'er instance."
"You. Can't. Do. This. To. Meeeee!" My 'loyal' servant shrieked, hopping about angrily as if punctuating each word with a stomp of her hooves.
"I just did." I said, gulping.
"You can't just snub a unico-..." She began, temper flaring, her horn crackling with some alien energy.
I licked my finger tips and pinch the tip. There was a crackle, a hiss, then nothing as a little trail of smoke leaked out into the open air. "I just did that too." I said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She shrieked, raising her hooves to her horn in absolute blood-curdling horror. Shoot, I hope I didn't hurt her.
"I-I c-can n-never b-be weeeeed...." She wailed, dropping onto the floor in absolute despair. "I'm ruined for marriaaaaaaaaage!"
Ah, good, I didn't....except perhaps her pride, but that could stand a little deflating. I thought that was obvious from the get go? But alright, I'll let you lament it now.
I sighed as I sat down on the edge of my coffin, steepling my fingers together in thought. Well, this evil outfit had come far enough. But the punch line was long overdue and the moment was gone. The evil mastermind had been struck to the ground and ruined for marriage, lying in a pool of her own tears in what was perhaps the most anticlimatic evil villain defeat in the multiverse. Heck, this dream had dragged on far too long by now. Shouldn't I be waking up sometime soon?
I decided I'd at least do something decent to the denizens of my dream world before I departed, like the responsible evil overlord I was. "The rest of you...." I began, addressing the crowd.
Which I notice for the first time wasn't paying attention to me at all. They were too busy whispering amongst themselves. In horror too.
"He did that..."
"To her horn..."
"...in public..."
"So evil!"
"So dreamy..."
"Poor mare. She did kidnap us, but I feel rather sorry for her."
"W-wait, w-what about t-the rest of us?"
"W-will he d-do that to us too?"
"Hot."
"But I don't have a horn."
"You have wings, dearie."
"N-Not my wings! Anything but my w-wings!"
I quickly gathered that I had committed some kind of interspecies faux-pas. I just...let it roll as some kind of evil overlord thing. That worked. More or less. As I quickly discovered, most things worked when you're an evil overlord.
"Ahem." I cleared my throat loudly, "Can the dark lord have your attention for just a moment?" I waved a hand for attention. The crowd was quick to simmer down to a few sobs and whimpers. "Alright, I'll be honest with you all. I think I got off at the wrong summoning. I've already had my fill of evil crusading and I most certainly did not order 1000 sacrificial virgins for breakfast. Which, while impressive, is something I can't help but question, why the heck are you all still hanging onto it? Seriously, find somebody special, get laid. Except for the fillies, y'all don't ask what that means, at least for another few years, okay?"
This was met with general murmurs, blushes, even a few non-committal nods of agreement. The fillies amongst them only whined and grouched.
"So you're all free to go." I said, waving a hand in the general direction of anywhere else but here, "Return to whatever it is you do, which I presume does not involve standing in line as a sacrificial offering on a regular basis."
This was not met with the cheers and whoops of happiness, not even tears of relief I had expected as a minimum. C'mon, guys, I have a drama quota to fulfill.
Instead I got murmurs, whimpers, even a few tears and sobs of what was definitely not relief.
"Alright, which part of 'you're all free' is a problem?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Err...all of it." One pony volunteered. She was of the horned lavender variety, sporting a colour-coordinated mane with a single streak of pink. I waved a hand to invite her to continue. She looked around uncertainly and, seeing her fellow ponies weren't about to volunteer to help, she finally ploughed on, "Errr, Twilight Sparkle, your overlordness." She introduced herself quickly with a little bow, "In short, none of us are free to begin with, you see. We all used to be slaves. However we've all caught a disease." She turned around a little to show me her flank. It was emblazoned with a brilliant 8-sided star that sat on her coat like a twinkling star amidst a twilight sky. "These brands, they mark us as abominations unto our god lord Ahuizotl. We will live forever on the run until...." She gulped perceptibly, "...until lord Ahuizotl's inquisition catches us." There were a few sobs and whimpers at this which did not go unnoticed by me.
Different world, same doo doo. I couldn't help but glower at this revelation. "What do they do to those who've caught this disease?" I finally ask, needing to hear it.
The mare took a deep breath, "Most get tortured as examples. All are eventually executed." This was met with a few wails and cries of despair. "And now that we've taken part in reviving the evil dark lord, well....you can say they're going to have to invent some new punishment for double-blasphemy."
"We....we were all promised a...a safe place to stay..." Another pony, this one a pure marshmalow white with a curly midnight purple mane, began, sniffling, "Safe from the inquisition..."
"W-we didn't e-even mind a-all the...t-the stuff we had to do....a-anything's better than the inquisition!" Another pony cried.
"Please, evil overlord person, please let us stay..."
"We have nowhere else to go!"
"We'll do anything! Anything at all!"
I stared at the scene of collective despair and desperation facing me. For a dream, this was quite intense. I steepled my fingers once more as I sat, deep in thought. If giving themselves up as sacrificial offerings to a dark overlord was considered a way out then things were really down the cacky. Their situation was dire, their hope non-existent. They needed help. But as much as I wanted to, I'm just....wait. No, wasn't I brought here as an evil overlord? With an Empire at my finger tips? Or what's left of it? I look around at my one remaining assistant....who had helpfully slept through everything. Again.
I'm starting to suspect Crystal Heart slept through the previous Emperor's fall. Heck, she might be the very cause, but I kept that to myself.
"I am awake, Master. I am simply conserving energy until your Empire begins to supply me with enough Hope and Love to sustain my many functions." She said. For a second I was worried she could read minds.
"And reading your mind is not one of my many functions, Master, I assure you." She added. Dammit.
"Can we do that? Shelter these ponies, I mean?" I ask her. "You told me this is a frozen ruin. Do we even have food and shelter for them?"
"Yes." Crystal Heart yawned again. "All that and more. This Empire always keeps a minimum seed resource stash for post-disaster recovery. All we require is an Emperor, you."
"Will you help me, Crystal Heart?" I ask, sincere for the first time that day. "Help me keep these ponies safe?"
"Your will is my directive, Master." She gave a little bow of her head once more, before turning over onto her back again and snoring.
I returned to my audience. Now the harder question. Was I prepared to go through with this?
Hey, who am I kidding, this is just a dream. I can roll with anything. Returning to my usual roll-y self, I gesture openly to what I suppose were my new people. "We have food and shelter here. We'll all manage somehow. If you will have this Empire as your home then you are welcome to stay."
This was met with more silence. C'mon, no cheers? You guys are a tough crowd.
Just as I thought that, the room erupted in cheers and whoops of joy, even sobs of happiness and tears of relief, the whole package. If this is the reaction to being told they were welcomed to live in a dark overlord's empire, I wondered what their reaction would be to democracy.
Probably absolute anarchy.
"Yay for the dark overlord!"
"Best. Overlord. Ever!"
"Long live our overlord!"
"Whoah, whoah, now," I quickly shouted over the din, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm no Overlord or anything special." And I'd rather not have some gallant hero come along to lop off my head to save these 'damsels-in-distress'. I doubt anyone sells Overlord insurance.
"Well now, that simply won't do, dear." The marshmallow-white pony with the prissy hair-do from earlier said, trotting up to my side. "Even if it's for the sake of appearances alone we still need an Overlord."
"Yes, and Crystal Heart has chosen you specifically. You are legitimately the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." The lavender unicorn (I finally decided on her label) from earlier said, trotting up to join her alabaster companion. What was her name? Twilight Sparkle? "And Rarity is right." She nodded at the marshmallow-y one, "The Empire needs a leader, both for us to unite under and as a face for the outside world to...well....fear. For that we need, well, an evil overlord."
"Yes, I for one welcome our new...err...." The white prissy little pony began, seeming to frown a little as she cocked her head from side to side, eyeing me up and down, as if trying to fit me into her universe somehow. She seemed to give up, shaking her head with a sigh, as if disappointed in me for not living up to her worldview.
Whoah, sorry, I know I don't make a habit of conforming, but, jeez, no need to be so hard on me for it. Aliens have hearts too, you know.
But despite her bitter disappointment in me the one apparently named Rarity seemed generous enough to give me a chance as she trotted up to me, not awkward, not awkward at all. She leaned in close and whispered aside to me, "....darling, what kind of overlord are you, exactly?" She hissed through clenched teeth.
I looked to the left. I looked to the right. It was easy enough to figure out my one distinctive feature that set me apart from all those gathered. Yep, clear as glass. "Dude." I replied, simply.
".....our new Dude Overlord!" She announced, throwing out a hoof with a flourish. I winced. Painfully. And from the looks of the crowd, I wasn't alone in my pain. "The...the Overdude!" She added, as if trying to twist the dagger a little deeper.
"Yeees, thank you." I nod, as graciously as I could manage without sputtering. "Speaking of the evil part though, that will be at most in measured doses, enough to keep life interesting but not enough to be of the doom and gloom variety." I added quickly, "That said, my humble and loyal assistant here doesn't seem to agree with me and I'd rather she not try to 'persuade' me again." I say, pointing at the still wailing Sunset Shimmer on the ground. "Do we have a dungeon? A prison perhaps? Maybe even a kennel?"
Twilight and Rarity looked at one another before Twilight finally offered an answer, "Err, I don't know about dungeons, but we certainly have corners." She said, pointing a helpful...hoof....at the nearest available corner.
I look at it. It looked about as diabolical a corner as any, all trigonometric and Euclidean. "Alright, throw her into the....corner." I declare.
And thrown into the corner she was. Gently, I might add. We decided to allow her to continue sniffling there by herself. She probably needed the time to herself.
"Ah b-beggin' your pardon, Mr. Overdude, sir," Another mare cleared her voice as she approached me cautiously. This one bore a sunset orange coat and matching sun-blonde mane, topped by...is that a stetson hat? "Ah'm....Ah guess Ah'm one of yer new subjects, yer Overdudeness. Mah name's Applejack. Pleased ter make yer acquaintance 'n' all. But if ah may be so forward, meanin' no disrespect or nuthin' to yer dudeness, may ah be the one to step up and, ah, clear the air a little, so to speak?"
Blunt, honest, if a bit roundabout. "You can clear up my air anytime, sweetheart." I reply with an inviting nod. "...In an entirely non-suggestive and entirely platonic way." I was quick to add quite earnestly under her glare.
"Are ya or are ya gonna sate yer carnal lusts upon ten of us at a time every night?" Okay, so, very very blunt and not roundabaout at all. "N-not that Ah hold that against ye or nuthin," She lied. Bad. "Err, ah mean, if ye really did. Ah don't mind it, not at all." If she were wearing pants, they'd be spitting ten different flavours of napalm right about now.
"Let me think about that." I begin, "Well, all the benefits considered...no." I reply flatly. "Just, no."
"Is that 'no' to just the number, as in, 'not ten' but in actual fact, 'fifteen' or maybe even 'twenny'?" She raised an eyebrow, peering at me suspiciously. "Or, y'know, just plain 'no' entirely?" She asked.
"Let me do the maths first." I reply, drolly, counting on my fingers, "Ten....twenty....one hundred...." I watched the horror rise up amongst the crowd like a helium balloon towards a ceiling of spikes. "Sorry, y'know what, a thousand's just not enough. So I'll just roll with plain 'no'." I say, shrugging.
"Is that 'no' like..." She began.
"It's 'no' as in 'no'." I say, flatly. "I mean, 'no'. Especially not the....not the...." I point at the nearest filly who instinctively dashed under the legs of her nearest grownup, whimpering. "Yeah, that." I finished, lamely.
"I-it's alright...." Another mare, one with a butter-yellow coat and wings with a sunset-pink mane to top it all off, fluttered up to me to....
...She was eyeing me, hoof raised, eyeing me up and down as if trying to figure out which part of my anatomy was in fact legitimate for patting and comforting. And I was right for she seemed to finally decide on my knee.
That felt comforting. At least for a bit.
"I-it's alright." She continued, her voice brimming with earnest fluffy-eared doe-eyed kindness. "We all..." She gulped, "Have...umm...likes and dislikes." She very kindly rammed the piledriver into my tender heart with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, the kindest bulldozer ever.
Oh, dear heaven, I never knew kindness could hurt this much.
"So let me get this straight!" Another pegasus, this one a cyan streak with what looked like an entire rainbow for a mane, flew up, shoving the butter-coated one out of the way, "Sorry, 'scuse me, Fluttershy. Now, you, yer gonna give us all a place to stay, just like that?"
"Yes." I shrug. "If you don't like it like that, I can think of another way. I'm thinking singing telegrams, perhaps."
"What's your angle, buster?" She demanded, poking a hoof at my face.
"Err.....angle?" I blink, "Well, I don't know. I like deep angles?" I replied lamely.
"Fun, obviously!" Another pony, this one a bright...ohmygodohmygodohmygod somuchpinkmyeyesmyeyesmyeyes! "I mean, what's the point of having a party with just one pony when you can have a 1000! It'd be, like, the super awesomefulllest party ever times 1000! Come to think of it, that number comes up a lot, don't you think? 1000 is such a round number, but what were the chances? I mean, really, 1000 years, 1000 sacrifices, 1000 armies, 1000 balloons and cakes. Oh my gosh, can you imagine all the balloons, cakes and fireproof galoshes I'd need?!" She grabbed the cyan pegasus by her face and peered deep into her eyes, "Can you, Rainbow Dash?! CAN YOU?!"
"I apologize for interrupting your time-wasting, Master." Crystal Heart suddenly piped up, "But we have three airborne vehicles inbound, ETA 2 hours. They seem to be tracing the magical signature of a stolen airship parked outside the citadel. I believe said stolen airship was how your most loyal servant got your sacrifices here."
"Does she have a parking permit?" I asked, "This is important."
"She doesn't even have an airship license." Crystal Heart supplied, helpfully.
"Airships..." Rarity hissed.
"Are they just Imperial guards or....?" Twilight asked, leaving the rest unsaid.
"They are the Inquisition." Crystal Heart confirmed her fears and that of everyone else present. "I intercepted their encrypted long range magical communications. Their mission is to search out the party of blasphemers planning to revive the dark lord of the north."
"Do we have any defenses?" I asked as the rest of those present descended into absolute panic and chaos and....where did those party balloons come from?
"I am prepping our border shields as we speak though it is likely they will ingress across our borders before it is ready. It will take another 5 hours to calibrate our stealth field generators." Crystal Heart announced, cooly.
"2 hours. Can we all fly away from here fast enough in that time?" Rarity suggested.
"The transport's out of juice. 'Sides, ain't fast enough." The rainbow-maned one said.
"Well, shoot, looks like we're sittin' ducks here." Applejack muttered.
"It'd take an entire army to face three airborne airships." Twilight bit her lip.
"We don't need an army." I said, slowly, inspiration dawning, "All we need to do is convince them I am a dark and terrible overlord. And it didn't take much to convince all of you." I reasoned, "So convincing a group of superstitious dick-worshiping pansies can't take that much more."
"And how, darling, do you propose we do that?" Rarity asked.
"With...." I gave them all a grin, "...style."
A few hours later found the Crystal Empire gleaming in the bright northern sun setting behind the ring of snowcapped mountains. The crystal facets of the main citadel was set afire by the furious sun, casting a blinding sheen far and near.
Something else gleamed in the sky. Three small dots quickly grew in the fiery red sky, becoming the familiar forms of 3 Imperial long range scouting airships. They quickly reached their query, the stolen transport airship on the ground and the magnificent if alien-looking crystal citadel next to it. But what immediately caught their attention as they circled in was the dark figure standing on the spire's summit.
There, with black cloak billowing in the fierce northern wind, trailing red and black flames at the edges, stood a darkness so black it practically ate bats and shat nightmares, radiating absolute distilled badassery and promising asskickery of divine proportions (if I do say so myself).
"I need some new threads." I said.
"My hooves are yours, darling." Rarity generously offered, "What do you need?"
"I want something black. It needs to scream 'badass evil overlord'. And a cloak. It needs to be kickass awesome, like, flaming awesome." I ponder this for a moment, "Can you make it flaming?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie can be gracious enough to lend you a hoof there." Another mare, this one a pure midnight blue with a pale silver mane, trotted over, raising her hooves with a flourish, "Illusion magic is, after all, one of Trixie's many great talents."
"That's great, Trixie, but we want our lord rare at most, alright?" Twilight chided.
"Hey! Trixie doesn't set things on fire....too often!" Trixie snapped.
"Hey, don't you worry! Worst that can happen, at least you'll be warm for the rest of your life." The pink one told me, reassuringly.
"You, bipedal creature on the roof." One of the airships began projecting a voice over what I assumed were loudspeakers of some sort. They needed it. I could practically hear them squeak their balls into the microphone. "You are standing inside an Imperial Inquisition scene of sacrilege. Identify yourself!" The voice barked.
"Identify myself....?" My voice magically boomed across the empire, bouncing off the very mountains. "You make such careless demands inside MY realm? Know your place!" I roared.
What happened next was beyond weird. For the first time in my life I felt what it was like to be weightless. A brilliant multicoloured glow embraced my entire body as I lifted up into the air.
This was certainly not a bad idea, especially not with my fear of heights, nope.
"So, what can unicorns do?" I asked, innocently, having been given a very quick crash course on the three different pony tribes.
"Pfft..." My question was met with derisive laughter.
"I think the easier question is...." A bright mint-green unicorn with white streaks in her mane, one who had very enthusiastically introduced herself as Lyra Heartstrings, "What can we unicorns NOT do."
"Especially the great and powerful ones like Trixie!" Trixie was quick to contribute, "There is nothing in Equus beyond Trixie's power!"
"Other than save us all from an evil tyrant god who would see us all enslaved forever and ever?" Another pony, an earth pony with a light violet coat from the looks of it, said. This was met with a chorus of laughter.
"Girls, girls, we're not answering our lord's question." Twilight said, "Magic, my lord, that is our specialty."
"Here, I listed everything we unicorns can't do." Lyra said, helpfully, handing me a sheet of paper. It was helpfully blank.
"Uhuh." I took her quill and scribbled 'Get laid' on it in big capital letters.
"Uhhh, I can't read. What does that say?" She poked a hoof at my writing.
"Get laid." I read out to her.
"HEY!"
"Tell me, Lyra, why are you here again? Prove me wrong, and we'll talk." I grinned to the laughter of some unicorns and definitely members of the other two tribes.
I rose up as a pair of fiery black wings trailing an inferno that would leave most phoenixes green with envy erupted from my back. Pretty cool, actually. I was expecting pink butterfly wings or something, considering my backstage wizards. Ah, I think I can grow to love unicorn magic.
"I am the Dark Overdude of the Northern Shadows, rightful Emperor of the Crystal Empire, guardian of all marked ponies, lord of the dance, king of the rock, divine distributor of righteous kickassery, unholy...."
"Psst, hurry it uuuup!" An urgent voice from below squeaked. I spared the source a quick glance. It was Twilight and an army of unicorns hidden amongst the parapets of the spire, all straining their magic through their horns to keep me aloft.
"Fine..." I sigh, "My realm reaches from the northern star to the roots of the mountains. All within are mine to protect. And you shall learn to respect the sanctity of my domain!" I threw out a hand imperiously at the farthest airship.
Dark clouds circled above me, twisting and turning into a gigantic spiralling halo of thunder and lightning, as if crowning my absolute badassery.
"So....what can the pegasi do?" I ask. I got a few glares for this, seeing as I had just asked what the unicorns were capable of. Jeez, gimme a break, I didn't know it was THIS touchy a subject.
"Only turn the entire sky into your WORST nightmare." One pegasus, a fire-yellow one crowned with a flaming mane, one aptly called 'Spitfire' apparently, said with an offhand shrug. "Nothing big, nothing showy."
"Here, unicorns aren't the only ones who can do fancy lists." One pegasus who had introduced herself as 'Jetstream' said, picking up a sheet of paper. "Imagine this is the sky." She took it, tore it into shreds, before setting it on fire with a lighter and blowing the cinders away with a puff.
"A breeze, a gust, maybe an order of tornados or lightning storms with a side of awesome." the rainbow-maned one, just as aptly named Rainbow Dash as I found out, grinned, "In 10 seconds flat."
"I-I hope t-that's alright...?" Fluttershy said, sheepishly.
"They just brought airships to a weather fight." I grinned widely at this.
The entire citadel began to rumble with the force of pure awesome measurable only in gigadecibels. The crystal shards making up its surface lit up with neon sparks as they began pumping out beats.
The familiar beats rolled out, but kicked up a notch or two, maybe three with an unearthly noise that shook the very mountains around us. To my enemies it was the sound of tombstones heralding their impending doom, the cries and laments of their women, the very death of the sun and stars in their eyes.
"That pony...." I grinned widely, "She had time to make a 'We Will Rock you' dubstep remix."
I reached into my pocket. Sure enough, I had my smart phone with me, as I always did, even in my sleep. Never dream without them. "Crystal Heart, have we got something to project some music outside?"
"Are you insulting my functionality?" Crystal Heart muttered. Seeing the quizzical look on my face she rolled her eyes and said, "Yes, I do, Master."
"Can we project something played from this?" I ask, showing her my smart phone.
"I believe the colloquial term is foals play." Crystal Heart nodded.
"If there's any music to be played, I'm your mare!" Another pony sporting a pure white coat, this one wearing a pair of shades, some kind of headset thing, and the widest grin I had ever seen on someone of the equine persuasion. "DJ PON-3, at your service, your bodaciousness, or Vinyl Scratch if you please"
"All yours, DJ." I said, tossing her my phone.
Thunder boomed to the rhythm of the citadel. Lightning lanced out, blasting two of the airships like paper kites. The heat from the explosion grazed my face but I kept up my chilly facade. It was either that or shit my pants, and I only had one one pair here.
The third pulled away very quickly, realizing it stood no chance. Take two, leave one to pick up the mess, just as planned.
The two stricken airships, trailing fire and smoke, quickly spiralled out of control before slamming into the main highway leading up to the citadel. I watched the flaming wreckage for a while, eyeing the scurrying figures trying to abandon ship.
With a relay of unicorn magic down the spire I slowly floated down to the ground and landed lightly in the snow below. Oh, ground, solid ground, how I missed thee! It took all of my willpower to not sink onto my shaking knees and kiss the snow below. I had an image to maintain, not to mention a lot of awesomeness as well as my bladder (no sudden movements!). I stepped out into the harsh wind as I regarded the flaming wrecks emblazoned against the frozen cityscape. Blazing footprints trailed in my wake, courtesy of more inventive unicorn magic.
I spared a quick glance to either side of the highway at the towering decorative crystal columns that lined the path up to the citadel. In their shadows stood entire squads of earth ponies, all waiting for my signal. I gave both sides a nod as I strode up purposefully towards the downed airships.
"I-it r-really is him!" A voice screamed from inside the closest airship. "T-the dark lord! J-just l-like the stories!"
"Get out, quick, before he sends more lightning down at us!" I saw a form climb out of the airship. It looked like a feline sort of creature, quadrupedal just like the ponies. The Felis, or so Twilight had called them, the so-called chosen of Ahuizotl. We'll see how lucky they feel to be his chosen when they learn who mine are.
"One of the ships survived! We need to get to the rendezvous point for a pick up! Move it!" More of them filtered out like rats from sinking ships, only to discover firsthand that cats can in fact swim.
"T-too late! H-he's heeeere!" I could almost hear the piddle in his voice. Oh, glory be.
"Alright, don't kill me." I said, as disarmingly as I could manage, "But I really need to ask..."
"It's alrigh', sugarcube, we earth ponies are used to it." Applejack said, graciously.
"Yeah, it's, like, totally cool!" The pink one, Pinkie-Pie was it, said with a cheerful hop, "Cause, we've got our own brand of awesomenaciousness!"
"Yeh'd better believe it! Our hooves can move entire mountains! That's wut Gran says!" One of the little fillies, this one apparently Applejack's little sister, Applebloom, said excitedly.
"Literally." Vetted Twilight.
"You guys aren't going to show me a list as well?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Err, we would, but we might accidentally bring the roof down on our heads." Another marshmallow-y pony, one that looked quite like her namesake 'Bon Bon', said with a grin. This got her a few glares from her pegasi and unicorn sisters.
"Huh....." I give this a thought, "So you've got power over magic, the weather, an enough strength to move mountains. Why are you all slaves again?"
This was met with a few uncomfortable looks, sideway glances, a few even looked away.
"It's alright, everyone starts somewhere." I sigh, "And us? We start here."
I slowed down a little, giving them time to evacuate their burning ships, empty their bladders and say their prayers. When they were finally on the run down the long highway I threw out both hands commandingly. On cue, the crystal spires lining the path cracked before groaning ominously in the wind as they began to collapse upon the retreating inquisition.
The very ground shook as the earth split open beneath every collapsing spire, as if ready to swallow the Felis troops whole. The collapsing spires and gaping earth chased them all the way to the borders of the empire, marked by a ring of towering monoliths. They probably thought themselves safe on crossing the border as they spared a moment to look back.
Their wrecked airships chose that moment to explode in a fearsome show of pyrotechnics that sent the flaming wreckage roaring high up into the air, falling and bouncing dramatically past me, silhouetting me against their brilliance. As I stood there, cloak billowing in the explosive shockwave, casting a long foreboding shadow across their trembling pack, I raised my voice once more.
"Go back." I bellowed, casting a hand forth towards their flinching forms, "Go back and tell your pissant god and his 'chosen' that I, the dark and evil Overdude, have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies! I know what he's done to my chosen! I swear upon the shadows of the old hells that for every pony he has ever harmed, I will kick his sorry rearmost anatomical member to death, revive him, and kick him again until we figure out how many different kinds of snot he's made out of! And then I will rub tabasco sauce in his wounds and set him on fire!" I thought for a moment before adding, "Oh, and you can tell him his mama's so fat they thought he was just her blubber at first!"
"As for you lot....get out of my sight before I decide to make you all poop hearts and fart rainbows to death. And next time you see a pony....Remember ME" I roared, causing them to struggle back onto their feet, pissing themselves as they rushed for safety. I sighed to myself with satisfaction as I watched the last of the stragglers pile into the last remaining airship before they took off into the sunset, engines at full blast as if the seven hells themselves was after them. Which they probably were.
"Primary shields online, Master" The now familiar form of Crystal Heart flashed into existence next to me. "Eyes on the Spire." She said, pointing up at the citadel.
It was just a fierce white glow at first, followed by a beam of brilliant white light that pierced the heavens. The beam rippled ominously as ethereal rings of light began to spread forth across the sky from the spire, descending above us towards the mountains beyond, touching the earth just behind the last airship's retreat. There was a brief shimmer as the globe of light flashed a pale pink.
"Pink. Really?" I asked, incredulous, "Doesn't it come in, I don't know, pistachio?"
"Pink is the new pistachio. Live with it, Master." Crystal Heart said. "Now, watch your step."
What happened next took my breath away. Any remaining clouds hanging in the air seemed to dissolve away into a bright, clear twilight sky, lit up by a long glimmering curtain of northern lights. Below the snow and frost seemed to peel away from the landscape, rising into the air in spirals of speckled light, leaving behind...was that green, lush grass? And flowery meadows? And beautiful sparkling rivers and streams gleaming in the starlight? And bountiful fruit trees as far as the eyes can see?
"Yes it is, Master." Crystal Heart answered, helpfully. Dammit, Crystal.
Even the chilly wind had died away, replaced by a warm spring breeze. It was as if the Crystal Empire had woken up from a long, deep winter slumber and had decided to immediately air out its bedsheets in a sudden fit of spring cleaning.
"Alright, the show is over, Master." Crystal Heart said as the breeze carried a flurry of dandelion spores across her face, "I will warn you now, with the shield up, my energy reserves are depleting as we speak. I implore you to make haste with generating the sustenance I require."
"Remind me what that is." I said.
"Hope and Love, Master." She said, deadpan. "From your loving subjects, I add."
"Well, if it's any help, it looks like we're about to have a bumper crop." I said, turning around to find a crowd of ponies galloping down the highway towards us. They were...cheering? And crying? And laughing even?
"That will do for an appetizer." Crystal Heart said, generously.
"You did it, Overdude person!"
"Yeah, you really kicked flank out there!"
"Yay for the Overdude!"
"Hail his all-bodacious awesomefulness!"
"Wheee! It's time for the 'We're an Empire!' Party!"
They seemed beside themselves with joy. And then it hit me just why that was. It was probably their first victory, ever. Their first time taking their fates into their own hands...er...hooves, and going out and actually kicking fate's butt to the curb. Me? I couldn't help but grin for them, with them.
"Stealth generators coming online soon, Master." Crystal Heart announced to me quietly, "And I have taken the liberty of deactivating the stolen airship's engines, rendering it untraceable. The only way they will find us now is by randomly showering this region with divine-level offensive spells."
"Good work, Crystal Heart. You've saved us all." I said, patting Crystal Heart on her mane. I froze as it struck me that I may have committed another interspecies faux-pas. But on noticing her eyes closed in evident enjoyment, I decided, what the heck. I'm the evil overlord. I can faux-pas the macaroons out of anybody I like and get away with it.
"No, Master, you have. Your actions today have given these ponies hope and, I daresay, a leader figure to love." Crystal Heart said, sounding earnest for the first time that day. "Without that, I would have no power or functionality to support you with. Now..." She gestured at the cheering ponies, "I believe is a good time for a victory speech."
The night fell upon the Empire proper as I nodded to Crystal Heart and stepped up to address the cheering ponies. Night lillies in the meadows around us chose that very moment to bloom, casting their glowing light and radiant pollen into the night. I basked in their glow a while as I found my voice. In that time, the crowd had grown silent, as if expecting my speech.
"My little ponies...." I began, finding my voice a little squeaky without the help of Crystal Heart's voice projection magic. "Ahem...if I may call you all that. I'm kinda crud at these speech sort of things."
"'I have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies!' Said the guy crud at speeches, yep." Lyra said, doing a perfect impression of my monologue. Laughter rose, bright and clear.
"Yeah, that was me crud. You gotta see me when I'm at my most epic." I said, to more laughter. "What I wanted to say is, we did it. We all thought today was lost, but together we've proven ourselves wrong. We've proven ourselves totally and undeniably awesome." I said, gesturing at the ponies gathered, "You, all of you, are undescribably awesome."
"All hail our lord, the overdude! Long live our Emperor!" A voice called out.
"Whoah, jeez, c'mon, guys, this is embarrassing." I said with a chuckle. "I didn't do anything out there. That was all you. You all...what was it? Kicked some real flank today."
"But you made it possible, your Overdudeness!" Rainbow Dash punched the air, "Besides, let's face it, they ran from the sheer coolness!" This was greeted with a chorus of nods.
"We could throw lightnin', levitation magic 'n' buck trees at them all day and we'd still be right where we started." Applejack said, "They need somethin' to properly fear. That somethin's you, your dudeness."
"Then let them one day fear the entirety of the pony race." I said with a grin.
"Your chosen, you mean?" Twilight said with a sly grin, "We caught that, you know. Girls, we're the dark overlord's chosen. How's that?"
"I'd say he's got a good eye." Rarity said, giving me a wink, as a wave of laughter rose up from the crowd.
"My little ponies, thanks, I had a lot of fun." I announced, happily. "I'm actually starting to wish this wasn't a dream now." I laugh, scratching my head sheepishly.
Then I realized I was the only one laughing.
The ponies before me were looking at one another, uncertain, some looking rather worried even.
"What? Did my hair spring up again?" I asked, patting my hair down.
"Err....you tell him." One pony said.
"No way, you do it."
"Well, he ain't gonna like what he hears, might as well get it over with, know what I'm sayin'?"
"Yeah...." Twilight stepped up, "Err...my lord, your cheek." She said.
I gave her a confused look as I reached up to my cheek. Then I felt the sting of the shallow scratch across one eye and the feeling of something warm and wet upon my fingers. I looked at my fingers, only to find, yep, bright red blood.
"You got the scratch when one of the airships blew up in your face. Must have been a piece of debris." Twilight said. "Lucky it didn't hit your eye."
"It....hurts....." I muttered, numbly.
"Yes." Twilight nodded, "The point is....you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"
"Ah, so....this isn't...a dream." I said, weakly.
"Err....no." Twilight shook her head, helpfully. "This is very real, my lord."
"Oh, that's alright then." I shrugged. "All perfectly, absolutely alright."
Then I promptly keeled over and blacked out.
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Hmm, your writer name seems to be Pen Mighter, may I recommend:Mighty Pen, Magnificiant Quil, Hexed Pen?
Also; Alt title: A Thousand Virgin Mares Scream His Name.
You need to write another chapter of this you nerd.
Wait, what? Its complete? This looked like the beginning to a great story.... please don't tell me its a one shot....
Oh gosh, this was one lotastic story!
It really do deserves continuation, so, write a sequel!
I'm curious about how Overdude could handle the repopulating problem, all by himself! xD
-Zeph
this can't be complete this has the potential to be one of the most awesome stories ever written you seriously need to continue this
This setup reminds me a lot of the manga Shina Dark, actually. An evil overlord who's actually a nice guy, gets a whole bunch of women as "sacrifices" and turns them into a nation, the so-called good guys are almost all pricks, his subjects are way more competent than him... as far as the external plot goes, the resemblance is pretty strong. Which is a good thing, since I really liked Shina Dark and I definitely like this story. Though I'd like it even more if it wasn't a one-shot...
4299049
Son of a bitch, that actually sounds very interesting. I guess the biggest problem will be getting more Stallions. Although I suppose if they can do genderswap spells, It could work long enough for some actual stallions to straggle in. Although I'm interested in seeing what Sunset Shimmer becomes now that she has the biggest crisis of faith.
Well, I'm sold. I vote for a continuation. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
this was bad@ss and i loved every moment of it. i think it needs a sequel!
4299466
In Shina Dark they brought over the families and loved ones of the "sacrifices" to round out the population and then (because the Demon King is a lazy sod who avoids responsibility like the plague) set up a diarchy with two princesses (this sounds familiar for some reason) who were sacrificed by their home countries for political reasons. Guess that could work here. It would take some doing, of course, what with them being slaves, but that just adds to the fun.
4299049
oh you beat me too it, I really liked that manga too. So sad it's gone
Dat title
Giggity.
Agreed, certainly a dream worth continuing.
...Lyra? Shit dude, this just became a nightmare!
Ouch.
...What?
Giggity giggity goo.
What is she? An Vault-Tec AI?
The humiliation is great with this one.
No really, is the Crystal Empire a giant Vault-Tec facility?
Pretty enjoyable, though there's the pony wank, but as a non-serious story wank is irrelevant.
Also where's my Octavia? This needs more Octavia.
And Witch Doctors.
I was laughing myself silly while Reading this, THANK YOU!!!
Oh, and i can't wait for the next chapter!!
You should make this a legitimate saga. I'd definitely read it.
what?
What?
No, really, what? xD
I really liked this, it was really funny! What else can I say?
Man, this is a tough one. On one hand, this actually works quite well as a oneshot. On the other...the fact that it's a oneshot is so frustrating because this very well could be turned into a four or five chapter story (if each chapter was 10k to 15k words long), and turned into one quite easily.
More of this. Do it!
Well written and different than most.
Make more of this I implore you!
Dear Gods, PLEASE continue this glorious thing!
YOU PLEASE ME WITH YOUR AWESOMENESS!!!
I can't help but think of these guys whenever I see that word...
stream1.gifsoup.com/view/476854/spanish-inquisition-o.gif
This, was fun. Seriously, I had a great time reading it, and would be very happy if you wrote more. Is making the featured box 'enough interest' for you to continue it?
Wait, what at happened to sunset?
rrrrmm I really want this to continue but it's so good as it is as well, we have so many HiE stories but so few with such differing and high potential settings. I feel so conflicted!
Oh to heck with it, PLEASE MAKE THIS A SAGA!
By the gods . . . .
Moar . . . MOAR!
Do I detect a Buffy reference? Also really hope you continue this.
More please.
Please continue!
More... MORE!... MORE!!! we MUST HAVE MORE!!!!! *Lightning flashes in background.*
The people have spoken. If you think you can add more chapters, do so.
More, more, more, more, MORE! This has SO much potential!!!
dude, this totally needs to be continued!
Well, you got featured and you seem to be steadily getting Favorites and Likes. I think you should continue this.
This needs to continue.
Please continue it!
This is just as addicting as Hail to the King.
Please continue this for great justice your great dudeship so that your bodaciousness might light our path once more.
This is awesome. Keep going.
I know you said one-shot, but moar? Please? Pretty please?
lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yl9svp7g90g/ULfV3TBg9QI/AAAAAAAAA8M/-C3cREwMN7E/w640-h400-p-k/I%2BWill%2BFind%2BYou%2BAnd%2BHug%2BYou.jpg
If you make another chapter.
But If you don't
quickmeme.com/img/a7/a772f62f11a0d1e1521263cf45955e7dd485d8d147bd4b0615de9143fe55f96a.jpg
I have yet to read the story, but i just gotta say, that when i read the title i almost immediately Noped. then i decided to read the summary out of morbid curiosity, and i don't think I've ever clicked a title faster. I am intrigued, and i hope the story doesn't disappoint.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Ok, i must admit that was pretty enjoyable, thank you for the smile ^^
This was nothing short of beautiful. Please give us MOAR!
i496.photobucket.com/albums/rr328/Dzaster_Must_Die/moar.jpg
!
titaniumteddybear.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/moar-because.jpg
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/022/120/moar.jpg
reactionimage.org/img/gallery/5816489306.jpg
texas4x4.org/gallery/albums/album307-Awesome-Bills-Pics/Moar_skeletor.jpg
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134104684065.jpg
memeorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/moar-cat.jpg
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MOAR!!!
Seriously, this is Hail To The King levels awesomeness. Please continue. In fact, don't work on anything else until you've completed all eleventy billion chapters of this
...I think you should start writing.
?........WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS COMPLETE! This is the prologue weres the rest of the story! This cant be just it.
To quote the shapeshifting master of darkness: EPIC!
I tend to ignore HiE, but I actually find myself hoping you do continue this.
Please keep writing!
I read this guy's lines in Alucard's voice. The one from the abridged version of Hellsing. Quite fitting ain't it.
This reminded me of the Manga, Shina Dark, where the Dark Lord just wants to sleep and have peace, but all the nations believe he is evil, and thus give him a thousand sacrificial women because of a joke book someone wrote years ago.
Here's a link to the manga, it's pretty good.