Nightmare Moon banished Celestia, only to be defeated by Ahuizotl. Ponykind were made the scapegoats to blame for her scourge. 1000 years they pray for a saviour to deliver them. Anypony will do. Enter the last hope, a pizza delivery dude.
"Ponykind must have run out of colours when they finally got to this pony. Everything from his mane to his ass was all seven colours of gloom and doom. He was so dark and brooding he probably ate glittery emos and shat vampire bats.” - Quote of the Week
1000 years the ponies have prayed for a saviour to deliver them, whether it was their long lost sun goddess Celestia, or even Nightmare Moon, maybe even the chaos lord Discord, anypony! After suffering under the yoke of a tyrant god for so long, they decided any saviour will do, even a dark demonic overlord. One unicorn sorceress finally decides to take matters into her own hooves. She sets out to the frozen ruins of a long lost Empire in the Crystal Mountains bearing a grand sacrifice of 1000 ponies in an attempt to summon the dark demonic overlord of the Crystal Empire.
When the dark ritual turned up a blank, the universe decides to shuffle in the next best thing. Will he rise up to the expectations of his newfound flock? He'd better, and quickly, for the tyrant god's inquisition is out to get him and the 1000 'blasphemers' involved in his summoning. With a nation to build and an evil tyrant god to fight, never has there been a taller order to fill. But it's alright, he's a dark demonic overlord, right? He quickly finds that with some smokes and mirrors and the help of 1000 very magical ponies, anyone can look the part, even an entirely magic-inert pizza delivery dude.
Now a long-haul fic! Many thanks to everyone who convinced me to make this a reality!
Somebody kindly messaged me and told me I should announce here that the story was featured from 27 - 30th of April. I completely missed that but many thanks for making that possible, everyone!
Cover Art: Placeholder drawn by me. Will be a background for a full cover at some point.
-People couldn't become truly holy unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked- ~Sir Terry Pratchett~
Ahem...
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.
I don't know why I'm reading this to you. This would have sounded much better narrated by Morgan Freeman. Pity he's in the next universe over, plus I doubt he accepts payment in bits. So sorry, you're kind of stuck with me. And yeah, I can tell you're already familiar with the story, even without you staring at me blankly like that. You know what happens next. Little sister likes that place where the sun don't shine. She gets upset that nopony else shares her interests. Little sister gets jealous and does what every angry little sister does on a juvenile temper tantrum, kick their big sister's sun-loving-butt straight into the sun, lock her butt away in a fiery sun prison and shove the key where her sister don't shine. Which by then was pretty much all of the world.
Hmm, what's the frown for? What, you don't like that place where the sun don't shine? Well, people got used to it quite fast. Cause the little sister went all the way after that. Dressed all in black, called herself some really goth name. 'Nightmare Moon', I think it was. By now you could easily gather that she gets off from shoving stuff where the sun don't shine, so she decided to go and give the rest of the world all seven flavours of stuff-shoving. She led the 1000 armies of her Equestrian Empire on a dark crusade to quite literally own the entire known world. Empires, kingdoms, cities, towns, homesteads and every whorehouse, outhouse, hen house and birdhouse in Equus, nothing was spared her epic hard-on for world conquest.
Finally she came knocking on the last free kingdom on the planet, some backwater place everyone almost forgot about called 'Talicon'. By then, her people, ponykind, were already known across the world as the 'pony scourge' (they were known as many other things but to save repetition they were mostly every possible synonym for 'butt' and 'sex' and combinations thereof). Unfortunately for her somegod called Ahuizotl didn't quite see eye to eye with her and decided to show her where she should stick it. He made the Taliconians, a race of felines called the 'Felis', his 'Chosen' people, and bestowed upon six of them his 'Elements of Order'. Together they defeated Nightmare Moon and her pony scourge. Nightmare Moon ate moon dirt for the next 1000 years while the pony menace was finally put to the service of good to forever atone for their sins.
Happily Ever After. The End.
Or so it was for Ahuizotl and his chosen Felis for the next 1000 years.
The ponies, meanwhile, were reduced to slaves, blinkered and harnessed in the service of their Felis masters. Bereft of their freedom, their dreams and hopes, they became just that, creatures of burden. Long have they forgotten how they used to wear their hopes and dreams proudly upon their backs, how they would show off their marks as proof of their special talents and abilities.
And then it all went wrong. After 1000 years of blank flanks the marks began appearing again, spreading like a plague amongst the ponies. The Ahuizotl inquisitors saw this as a sign of demon worship of the twin devils Nightmare Moon and Celestia. They responded swiftly, beginning a new age of witch-hunting to hunt down every single one of these 'abominations unto Ahuizotl'.
It was during this age of terror that one mad unicorn sorceress, in a desperate bid for vengeance, turned to ponykind's worst nightmare...and possibly last hope. She would gather a sacrifice worthy of the greatest demon to ever ravage Equus, 1000 virgin mares, and offer them in a rite to summon the Dark Overlord of the Crystal Mountains back to Equus.
Yeah, definitely should've gotten Morgan Freeman for this. Narrating my own epic accident feels awkward as heck.
"Awaken, o'lord!" A voice bellowed. Forget waking me up, even the dead would wake up just to complain about the noise.
Right, my ass isn't on fire, I don't hear the world ending outside, and I got nothing cute and cuddly in my bed. Nope, not persuaded. "5 more minutes." I muttered in determined defiance, turning over uneasily.
"Awaken, for thy time hath cometh at last!"
I groaned. My alarm clock was being very talkative today. And 'cometh'? From the sounds of it, it was constipated too. I didn't like that, not at all. "20 more minutes." I bargained.
"Awaken! Rise! Open sesame!" The voice demanded, a hint of urgency creeping into it.
When are you going to learn that this isn't my fetish? Whip cream and chocolate sauce or nothing! "Try again in one thousand years." I growled.
"One thousand years thou hath slumbered in thy prison. But no more! Arise, O'dark overlord!"
Already?! That was fast! What in holy macaroons was my snooze button set to?! Forget late to work, I'm late for the whole universe!
You know what, sod it. I'm pretty sure all those pizza deliveries are long overdue by now. I don't know what one thousand years does to mozzarella cheese (and I don't want to find out) but I'm pretty sure the crusts are harder than steel by now.
The impatient tapping on the ground outside told me the voice was not impressed with my morning habits. "There must be a part I'm missing. The key to a heart frozen for one thousand long years. Ah! Yes, of course, the sacrifice!" Something made a snap of inspiration. "With this most humble offering of one thousand untainted and willing virgins upon thy throne to welcome thee back unto thy realm, we bid thee grace Equus once more with thy greatness!"
'Wait, what, where?!' I sat up abruptly, my eyes fluttering open with a start. That most certainly got my attention. So did the really hard thing I banged my head against. And no, it wasn't the morning wood.
"Err...." The voice sounded uncertain. She must have heard my little accident. "My lord, is that you?" Yep, she had.
"I think so." I answered blearily, feeling rather stupid as I blinked away the pain. There was only darkness in here. I certainly hope that knock hadn't done away with my eyes. I needed them to, well, visually appreciate stuff!
A little bit of light thankfully shone through into the darkness. My eyes quickly clapped upon the source, a little crack in the low ceiling of whatever it was I was lying on. Or in, as it were. Whatever it was, it looked like my expert use of my head had dislodged it a little.
I reached up and found that while it was heavy, it slid off quite easily. Ah, it was a lid. On a...a coffin, really? Aw, man, I told them not to have my funeral without me. And what's with this coffin? It looked like a pigeon doo magnet, all boring stone engravings and stuff, like something that belonged in the Flintstones.
With a shove I slid the rest of it off. There was a resounding crash as the lid slammed into the ground. A few gasps and cries joined the echoes bouncing off the high shadowy ceilings above. Sounded like at least 1000 feminine voices to me. This was promising. Hopefully they weren't all echoes.
So, random voice shouting at me to wake up. There's talk of a sacrifice to me. There's 1000 possible virgins involved. And I'm in a coffin.
It looked like I found a dream worth rolling with. Must have been all the nachos and ice cream I had before bed.
I threw my best hand forwards into the dusty air, attracting a few more gasps and cries. Then, grasping the edge, I heaved myself up. Ouch, the stiffness in my limbs almost felt real as I pulled myself up to my full height.
Cries, gasps, even screams with added whimpers. Yeah, I'm getting better at this.
I hope it wasn't my bed hair. Last time this happened at summer camp they called in the wild animal containment squad.
"Omigoshomigoshomigosh it's a humaaaan!" There was an excited squee amongst the crowd amidst all the screams.
"Lyra, ssssshhh!" Another voice hushed urgently.
"Behold! Thy new master hath awoken and walks amongst his chosen herd once again!" The voice declared to a new wave of fearful whimpering.
I turned to face my very tenacious alarm clock sitting next to my coffin bed thing. Except my alarm clock had grown what looked like four legs, a pair of ears, even long flowing fiery red and gold....is that a mane? And it had even evolved a tail of the same fearsome hue? And it had even developed some sort of crazy cultist streak. But, most strikingly, it had evolved a mouth. A very loud one.
"Do not run!" It roared. There was a rush of loud clanking and clinking. Something in my alarm clock's mane glowed an ominous blazing blue. Chains enveloped in a ghostly cerulean glow rose out of the darkness and rushed forth through the air. More shrieks and cries from the shadows below sailed up to us. "Why would thou runnest from thine own Master's glorious presence?! Face thy master, embrace thy fate!"
"Phew." She (yes, I decided she was a 'she'. Nothing with balls can sound that cute and feisty) wiped some sweat off what seemed to be her forehead before turning a pair of sapphire-tinted orbs up towards me.
Then she recoiled, falling over backwards onto her hindlegs as she raised a foreleg to shield herself, "Eeeeeeep!" She squeaked.
"Err. Are you...alright?" I ventured awkwardly.
"Uuh, sorry, my most gracious lord, I was simply, er, taken aback, umm, by awe and awestruckness at your awesomefulness." She said clumsily, sliding into more modern speech in her anxiety. Her wide eyes never left me as she quickly scrabbled back onto her....feet? Hooves? "O'lord, you have chosen a form most unsightly, hideous and repulsive!" Each word was a poisoned blade in my feeble pride. "One most fitting for a dark lord of your stature!" Hey, my bed hair has feelings too, alright?
She pulled out a folded sheet of paper and peered down at it, glancing up at me periodically. "Hmm, same hair, same grin, same stare....more or less the right ballpark." It wouldn't be until much later that it occured to me to ask her just how insanely big that ballpark was. "The ugliness must be a little flaw in the summoning canticles and peripherals. Probably didn't need the fourth crystal shadow. Should've gone with muffins and duct tape." She nodded to herself.
"Look, I know my last shower was probably 1000 years ago, but no need to be that hurtful." I muttered, flattening my unruly hair as best as I could.
"I bid thee welcome, our new dark lord and master." She quickly regained her composure and did what I suppose was a four-legged curtsey as she bobbed low in reverence. Gotta hand it to her, she recovered fast, for someone who looked as if she had just seen Cthulhu himself.
I need a haircut, maybe do without a tentacle or two.
I shrugged and just rolled with it. I've had to roll with worse on waking up. A crazy cultist in the shape of a fiery gold and yellow firebomb on legs revering me as a dark lord was quite tame by comparison. Heck, I even had my clothes on.
Right?
A quick check confirmed the presence of a pair of dark grey jeans and a black turtleneck upon my person. A new personal record.
My lack of an immediate reaction seemed to prompt my alarm clock to open her mouth once more. "I am Starswirl the Bearded the 12.5th, your most humble and loyal servant, o'lord." She gave me a conspiratorial side-glance and added in a hushed whisper, "But you may call me Sunset Shimmer, in private."
"Bearded?" I peer at her up and down, trying to find this elusive beard. Must be some kind of species-specific anatomical variation. She seemed to blush quite visibly from this, if that tint of rosy red about her muzzle is indeed a blush.
"Etymological, not, in actual fact, anatomical." She added, quickly.
"So, uhh...." I began, feeling a touch of hope amidst the rather confusing chaos, one I decided to roll with until something better came up, "Where are the 1000 virgins?" I asked, shamelessly. Hey, it's a start. A promising one, I might add. Yeah, sue me for looking out for number 1.
"Right here before you, o'lord!" She waved a hoof out towards the sea of darkness before us. As if on cue, a series of glow-y crystal thingies set in stone braziers high up on the walls lit up, flooding the grand chamber in a cascade of bright light. I took in our surroundings for the first time. Glowing spires of blue and purple crystal rose all around us, twining together above us to form a magnificent crystalline dome so dizzyingly high I almost triggered my fear of heights just looking up. Beyond them masses of interwoven gems formed mighty walls that enclosed the chamber in their prismatic light.
More shrieks and cries of fear and doom and many other side-effects of wanton evil permeated the cavernous hall. I cast my eyes down and found the source, our audience. They seemed like more variants of my alarm clock, all in various colours and flavours of manes and tails. Some even had what looked like wings. And the penny finally dropped as I realized what my alarm clock and all her lookalikes were - horses. Technicolour horses. Well, small horses, but definitely horses.
And yeah, technicolour. It was like a mix-and-match gum-drop bag of sacrificial offerings. Yep, there must a thousand of them in here. I can feel their stares threatening to set my hair on fire.
1000 virgins, huh? Yep, it had been too good to be true. I must be moving from the ice cream phase to the nacho phase of my dream cycle. I could almost feel the jalapeno punch line sock me in the morning wood. Like the worst punny punchline ever, it was in the truest sense of the word a nightmare.
"Err....are you done horsing around?" I asked in one last valiant attempt at hope, oh foolish hope. Something inside me died from the horrific pun. It shall not be missed. "Are the virgins hiding behind those horses or something? Cause, you know, they don't have to be shy or anything."
"Er, my lord, they are ponies." My most loyal and humble servant said, confirming my despair "And they are all virgin mares too, might I add. All 1000 of them."
I couldn't help but raise an inquisitive eyebrow.
"I checked. Personally." She added, as if it helped. There was mass blushing at this, a few indignant hoof stomps, even low growls. No. Noooo. Dudete, just, no, just just, no. "I even went ahead and picked out the crème of the crop for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, these blossoms definitely rank 'I'd tap dat plot'."
I have no understanding of equine sexuality, but did you just come out of the closet in front of an entire audience of sacrificial offerings to some evil overlord person?
Huh, what a liberal world my dream had landed me in.
From the looks of things this evil outfit wouldn't even need a great hero to vanquish it. This little creep was doing well enough digging her own grave. I, for one, was not keen on hanging around to join her, even if it was just a rather odd nightmare.
"I'm going back to sleep." I muttered, lowering myself back into my bed. Hopefully the next dream I stopped at featured at least some quality entertainment, maybe something involving wet paint and bubble wrap.
Hmmm...bubble wrap.
"Err, umm, wait! M'lord! T-that was but y-your appetizer, a mere taste of the main dish!" My most loyal servant squeaked nervously.
Well, since I was here, I might as well. "Alright." I waved a hand at her to continue, "Do show me."
"With pleasure, m'lord." She said, waving a hoof. Something amidst her mane glowed again. The chains appeared again, this time pulling a struggling little conga line of....
"What are those?" I ask, squinting at the struggling and crying shapes below.
"Fillies, m'lord." My servant replied, simply.
"Like, younger mares? Is that it?" I blinked, "What am I supposed to do with them, exactly?" They looked about the size and general shape of footballs. They even looked like they'd bounce.
"Uhh...welll...." My loyal servant sighed, creeping up close and raising a hoof to my ear.
Whisper...whisper...whisper...
"Uhuh..." I nodded.
Whisper....whisper...whisper...
"Wait, what, cheese sandwiches? From where?"
Whisper...*deep breath*....whisper......
"Dudette!" I snapped, reeling back from my servant in horror, "the flying macaroons is wrong with you?!"
"I have learned of your deepest and darkest secrets, things that would make the skin of even the most fearsome manticores crawl, oh darkest and most evil of dread lords." My servant placated me with all the wrong platitudes.
"You got my skin crawling alright." I muttered, shivering.
"Oh, if it helps, I also got your number one assistant's approval on the selection." She added. Ah, it was reassuring to know my beauty pageant judge panel consisted of two.
Not.
If anything I had twice the number of hands (or is it hooves?) diligently digging the grave. It looked like it was going to be a rather crowded one too.
More importantly, does my number one assistant even know my taste in sacrificial virgins? Alright, sure, I had very little experience in the matter, but if I did I'd have very rigorous standards. Not to be racist or anything, but they'd be more or less the same species for starters.
But ah well, I was probably being too harsh. Picking out sacrificial virgins, 1000 of them no less, can't be a regular thing even for an assistant to an evil overlord. And it's not like they can walk into the local supermarket and order them in bulk or something. So I suppose I should hand him or her points for effort. I'm generous like that. I couldn't help but wonder what this number 1 assistant looked like. The image of a simpering little hunchback groaning 'Iiiiigooor' appeared in my mind.
"Crystal Heart!" My loyal servant shouted in the general direction of nothing. "Hey, Crystal Heart, wake up!"
"Nnnnghhh?" A soft, sleepy little voice moaned, which would've been cute had it not been so loud it echoed and shook the entire room. "What is it now, Sunny?" The voice bellowed sleepily, if that was even possible.
"C-Crystal Heart, turn down the volume!" My servant shouted over the echoes.
"Oh." The voice shook the chamber once more. "Better?" The voice, smaller, quieter, just as sleepy, came from right behind me.
I turned around to find myself blinded by a blast of prismatic light. It left me blinking out sunspots out of my eyes as the light dissipated, leaving behind yet another...pony was it? This one sported a coat and mane of cyan blue that seemed to shimmer and flow under the light. The theme seemed to include her wings and...was that a spiral-grooved horn poking out of her puffy mane?
Huh, looks like evil creepy hunchbacks are at a premium here. Instead I get the adorably cute evil dark overlord assistant package. Well, as long as it knows where we keep the lightning rods, it's cool.
"Crystal Heart?" My servant finally said after a moment of silence following the apparition of my number one assistant. "Hey, Crytal Heart? Cr-..." She was cut off by a little snore. The little creature hadn't been around for but a moment before she had resumed snoozing on her forehooves. "Wake up!" She snapped. "You've already slept in for 1000 years! Can't you be awake for at least one day?!"
I take it back. If this was my number 1 assistant, I'd hate to see the number 2. Going by trend, it's probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
"T-the crystal h-heart...?" A voice spoke up in the audience.
"What is it, Twilight darling?"
"That's the crystal heart, one of the most powerful magical artifacts in Equus! But I thought it was destroyed with Sombra."
"Well, egghead, looks like you're wrong for once."
"Hey! That period of history is almost a closed book to everypony in Equus! Even my knowledge is considered..."
"Can the peanut gallery kindly SHUT UP?!" My servant bellowed at the audience, "And you, Crystal Heart, wake up I say!"
"Nnnnghhh...?" My number 1 assistant groaned, groggily, "Oh, welcome back, Master." She said, noticing me. She got up onto her hooves only to bob down again to give me a low bow.
"So, uhh, Crystal Heart, he's the one, is he?" My servant whispered aside to my assistant.
"...." My assistant squinted at me through sleepy deep blue eyes, eyebrows furrowing as she tried to make me out in her grogginess. "He'll do." She finally said, "Yes, he's the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." She waved a hoof dismissively as she sank back into a stupor.
That...wasn't the most reassuring ascension to power I had ever seen. And neither was my 'most loyal' servant doubting me. But ah well, I'll take what I can get in this dream. Besides, my personal experience with leaders rising to power tend to involve either heads getting chopped off or, worse, voting, so who am I to complain?
If this is the second opinion in my sacrificial offering selection, I couldn't help but begin to worry for my life, just a little.
"The Crystal Heart hath spoken! The Emperor of the Crystal Empire rises once more! You, his chosen herd, shall be exalted amongst ponykind for your service in our race's glorious return to power!" My servant bellowed to the audience with renewed fervour. "With our own nation finally secured we shall carve ourselves a home for ponykind in Equus!"
You're serious? You're really deciding the evil overlord based on the word of this half-comatose snooze-ball? Why couldn't anybody ever take me this seriously?
"Too loud." Crystal Heart muttered, flopping over in her sleep.
"So, you helped in this....selection?" I asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow, as the speech went on with spitting gusto.
"Yes, yes." Crystal Heart mumbled, waving another dismissive hoof sleepily. "I have a discerning eye for quality. My imperative comes from the Emperor himself. Priority 1, 'Plot', Priority 2, 'Lots of Plots', Priority 3, 'Dat Plot'."
"Very simple." I finally managed to remark. I was quickly coming to a conclusion - The last emperor was a bit of a dick.
"I like simple." She rolled over onto her back, yawning. "You stand in the remains of the Crystal Empire, greatest of nations of Equus." She began to explain, as if by rote. "I am the Crystal Heart. Mine is the great labour of maintaining the day to day functions of this Empire for my Masters."
"Day to day, huh?" I wiped a finger across my coffin for dust. The edge snapped and crumbled to dust under my finger. More like century to century, if at all.
"We have suffered a slight reduction in efficiency." My assistant yawned, "I'm afraid the previous Emperor has not turned up for a while."
"A while?" I raised an eyebrow.
"About one thousand years." She shrugged her....do ponies even have shoulders to shrug with? Oh, right, 'withers'. Or something like that.
One thousand years? Really? Forget turning up, the dude's dead, girl.
"This may have had something to do with him being disintegrated to a sub-harmonic level which, I assure you Master, I was not involved in at all." The little pony went on. Yeah, that might have something to do with it, totally. "Sunset Shimmer reactivated me pending the summoning of my new Master. Now that you are here and I have awoken proper I shall initiate the Empire's post-disaster revitalization protocol. Our first priority is to return the Empire to full civic functioning. A population of at least 5.000 citizens will be necessary. For additional military functionality and the necessary infrastructure to sustain it, 10.000 citizens will be necessary. The n of 1000 as a starting seed population was chosen to allow a sustainable and balanced growth curve to achieve our target within the most efficient time frame." She explained smoothly, before yawning again.
"Wait, you're implying?" I blinked, mouth drying, horror dawning. "Besides the obvious biological hitch in your plan, me being the wrong species and all that, you're kind of ignoring the most obvious variable."
"What?" Crystal Heart muttered, suddenly looking irritable. She didn't seem to like people questioning her or her elephants in the room.
"The male variable, with an n of 1." I pointed out.
"Oh, the Emperor personally inputted that variable as a constant." She explained, airily.
"Oh, and what is it?" I asked, skeptically.
"He defined his virility as 'infinity'." She said, dead serious.
Alright, I stand corrected, this Emperor guy isn't a bit of a dick, he's a pretty big dick, and not in that way either.
"Can I correct that variable?" I asked.
"Are you making a humble and embarrassing confession, Master?" She gave me a questioning look.
"Okay, no." Dammit, stupid pride.
"Good." Crystal Heart nodded with satisfaction, "While I do not expect you to make us proud, I will at least expect some measure of satisfactory performance."
"No pressure, huh?" I chuckled uneasily.
"I proclaim no conflict of interest in the matter. It is not like the love generated towards you by your followers is my primary source of power." Crystal Heart said, offhand. Or is it offhoof?
"Wait what?" I blinked, "Are you really...." I found my voice trailing off as the speech ripped my attention back with all the force of a bull in a firestation.
"......his prowess great, his virility vast, his lust so passionate no less than 10 mares a night is enough to sate his appetite!" My loyal servant's enthusiastic speech to the audience had caught up with the topic at hand. How it got from nation building to here was a roadmap I probably did not want to follow.
Wait, 10 what?
I turned to look at Crystal Heart for the dreaded confirmation.
"Yes, 10. It's the minimum variable stipulated by the previous Emperor." My assistant helpfully supplied.
This Emperor person needs help. Probably of the psychiatric kind, if not the punch-to-the-face kind.
You know what, I'm not even going to argue.
"This Crystal Empire was once led by the dread Emperor Sombra." My loyal servant said. Ah, so that's the name of the dick whose shoes I'm stepping into. At least it was an easy one to carve into an epitaph. "That was until he was defeated by the hooves of Nightmare Moon and her 1000 armies of Equestria. You all know the story, 1000 years ago in her jealousy of Celestia and her day, Nightmare Moon rose up and cast her sister into the sun. But her appetite for conquest did not end there. No, she lead ponykind in a glorious crusade to conquer the known world, all of Equus. Ponykind was not just mighty then, no, we were conquerors, valiant, fearsome! We were not mere beasts of burden, blinkered and harnessed like pack mules! We were a free race who lived with dignity and pride!"
"We live this way for our sins!" A voice spoke up in the crowd, "Lord Ahuizotl could have destroyed us all with Nightmare Moon 1000 years ago when He saved all of Equus! But His mercifulness spared us and allowed us to live and serve His empire in atonement!"
"They are not our sins to bear!" Sunset Shimmer had brought herself to her full height, her brilliant fiery eyes glowering with a fearsome force of will. She stomped a hoof imperiously as she continued, "We live now, as slaves to our masters, for a crime that had died 1000 years ago with the last of Nightmare Moon's army! But no more! No more shall we live stomped underhoof! No more will we live in fear for the lives of our loved ones! It is our turn! With a dark lord of our own, we shall now rise once more and reap vengeance upon this world!"
"Err, excuse me, what does this glorious plan of yours involve?" I couldn't help but interrupt. "I mean, I get all the vengeance and stuff, but in what exact shape or form, really?"
"Simple. A crusade of darkness and evil that will leave the slaver Empire in flaming smoking ruins!" She declared, "Lead by your glorious self, off course, o'lord!"
"Err..." I begin, uncertain, not knowing how to exactly put it into words. It was simple, certainly, maybe to a fault. "I don't do flaming ruins and darkness and stuff." I say, deciding to keep it simple. "All that smoke and darkness' kind of hard on the emission taxes, not to mention my complexion, know what I mean?"
"What?" She demanded in disbelief. "But..."
"Yeah, no." I say, crossing my arms defiantly.
"But...." She growled, "You will!" She barked angrily. "I summoned you for a reason, and you will follow through!"
"Says you and what army?" I demanded. I felt for them, I do, but I would not be told to afflict mayhem that is not of my own choosing, especially not in my own dreams.
"Me! I say, me!" She stomped her hooves repeatedly and pouted angrily, fiery eyes brimming with tears. "Stop being such a meanie head!" She cried in frustration.
"Evil. Overlord." I reminded her.
"Hmph! Well, being the geniusful awesome that I am, I have prepared a 1000 year old ancient control spell that will ensure your absolute...." She began, taking out a sheet of parchment with a triumphant smirk.
I swiped it out of her hooves and before she could even whine in protest I had thrown it in my mouth and chewed it exactly 42 times. "And now it shall stay 1000 years old. Hmmm, didn't know fail came in that flavour." I said, munching thoughtfully.
"He eats 1000 year old spells?!" A voice in the audience gasped in disbelief.
"1000 years in 10 seconds flat."
"Looks like it, Twi', and ah think there are worse things he could be eatin'." Another voice said. "Y'know, like, ponies, f'er instance."
"You. Can't. Do. This. To. Meeeee!" My 'loyal' servant shrieked, hopping about angrily as if punctuating each word with a stomp of her hooves.
"I just did." I said, gulping.
"You can't just snub a unico-..." She began, temper flaring, her horn crackling with some alien energy.
I licked my finger tips and pinch the tip. There was a crackle, a hiss, then nothing as a little trail of smoke leaked out into the open air. "I just did that too." I said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She shrieked, raising her hooves to her horn in absolute blood-curdling horror. Shoot, I hope I didn't hurt her.
"I-I c-can n-never b-be weeeeed...." She wailed, dropping onto the floor in absolute despair. "I'm ruined for marriaaaaaaaaage!"
Ah, good, I didn't....except perhaps her pride, but that could stand a little deflating. I thought that was obvious from the get go? But alright, I'll let you lament it now.
I sighed as I sat down on the edge of my coffin, steepling my fingers together in thought. Well, this evil outfit had come far enough. But the punch line was long overdue and the moment was gone. The evil mastermind had been struck to the ground and ruined for marriage, lying in a pool of her own tears in what was perhaps the most anticlimatic evil villain defeat in the multiverse. Heck, this dream had dragged on far too long by now. Shouldn't I be waking up sometime soon?
I decided I'd at least do something decent to the denizens of my dream world before I departed, like the responsible evil overlord I was. "The rest of you...." I began, addressing the crowd.
Which I notice for the first time wasn't paying attention to me at all. They were too busy whispering amongst themselves. In horror too.
"He did that..."
"To her horn..."
"...in public..."
"So evil!"
"So dreamy..."
"Poor mare. She did kidnap us, but I feel rather sorry for her."
"W-wait, w-what about t-the rest of us?"
"W-will he d-do that to us too?"
"Hot."
"But I don't have a horn."
"You have wings, dearie."
"N-Not my wings! Anything but my w-wings!"
I quickly gathered that I had committed some kind of interspecies faux-pas. I just...let it roll as some kind of evil overlord thing. That worked. More or less. As I quickly discovered, most things worked when you're an evil overlord.
"Ahem." I cleared my throat loudly, "Can the dark lord have your attention for just a moment?" I waved a hand for attention. The crowd was quick to simmer down to a few sobs and whimpers. "Alright, I'll be honest with you all. I think I got off at the wrong summoning. I've already had my fill of evil crusading and I most certainly did not order 1000 sacrificial virgins for breakfast. Which, while impressive, is something I can't help but question, why the heck are you all still hanging onto it? Seriously, find somebody special, get laid. Except for the fillies, y'all don't ask what that means, at least for another few years, okay?"
This was met with general murmurs, blushes, even a few non-committal nods of agreement. The fillies amongst them only whined and grouched.
"So you're all free to go." I said, waving a hand in the general direction of anywhere else but here, "Return to whatever it is you do, which I presume does not involve standing in line as a sacrificial offering on a regular basis."
This was not met with the cheers and whoops of happiness, not even tears of relief I had expected as a minimum. C'mon, guys, I have a drama quota to fulfill.
Instead I got murmurs, whimpers, even a few tears and sobs of what was definitely not relief.
"Alright, which part of 'you're all free' is a problem?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Err...all of it." One pony volunteered. She was of the horned lavender variety, sporting a colour-coordinated mane with a single streak of pink. I waved a hand to invite her to continue. She looked around uncertainly and, seeing her fellow ponies weren't about to volunteer to help, she finally ploughed on, "Errr, Twilight Sparkle, your overlordness." She introduced herself quickly with a little bow, "In short, none of us are free to begin with, you see. We all used to be slaves. However we've all caught a disease." She turned around a little to show me her flank. It was emblazoned with a brilliant 8-sided star that sat on her coat like a twinkling star amidst a twilight sky. "These brands, they mark us as abominations unto our god lord Ahuizotl. We will live forever on the run until...." She gulped perceptibly, "...until lord Ahuizotl's inquisition catches us." There were a few sobs and whimpers at this which did not go unnoticed by me.
Different world, same doo doo. I couldn't help but glower at this revelation. "What do they do to those who've caught this disease?" I finally ask, needing to hear it.
The mare took a deep breath, "Most get tortured as examples. All are eventually executed." This was met with a few wails and cries of despair. "And now that we've taken part in reviving the evil dark lord, well....you can say they're going to have to invent some new punishment for double-blasphemy."
"We....we were all promised a...a safe place to stay..." Another pony, this one a pure marshmalow white with a curly midnight purple mane, began, sniffling, "Safe from the inquisition..."
"W-we didn't e-even mind a-all the...t-the stuff we had to do....a-anything's better than the inquisition!" Another pony cried.
"Please, evil overlord person, please let us stay..."
"We have nowhere else to go!"
"We'll do anything! Anything at all!"
I stared at the scene of collective despair and desperation facing me. For a dream, this was quite intense. I steepled my fingers once more as I sat, deep in thought. If giving themselves up as sacrificial offerings to a dark overlord was considered a way out then things were really down the cacky. Their situation was dire, their hope non-existent. They needed help. But as much as I wanted to, I'm just....wait. No, wasn't I brought here as an evil overlord? With an Empire at my finger tips? Or what's left of it? I look around at my one remaining assistant....who had helpfully slept through everything. Again.
I'm starting to suspect Crystal Heart slept through the previous Emperor's fall. Heck, she might be the very cause, but I kept that to myself.
"I am awake, Master. I am simply conserving energy until your Empire begins to supply me with enough Hope and Love to sustain my many functions." She said. For a second I was worried she could read minds.
"And reading your mind is not one of my many functions, Master, I assure you." She added. Dammit.
"Can we do that? Shelter these ponies, I mean?" I ask her. "You told me this is a frozen ruin. Do we even have food and shelter for them?"
"Yes." Crystal Heart yawned again. "All that and more. This Empire always keeps a minimum seed resource stash for post-disaster recovery. All we require is an Emperor, you."
"Will you help me, Crystal Heart?" I ask, sincere for the first time that day. "Help me keep these ponies safe?"
"Your will is my directive, Master." She gave a little bow of her head once more, before turning over onto her back again and snoring.
I returned to my audience. Now the harder question. Was I prepared to go through with this?
Hey, who am I kidding, this is just a dream. I can roll with anything. Returning to my usual roll-y self, I gesture openly to what I suppose were my new people. "We have food and shelter here. We'll all manage somehow. If you will have this Empire as your home then you are welcome to stay."
This was met with more silence. C'mon, no cheers? You guys are a tough crowd.
Just as I thought that, the room erupted in cheers and whoops of joy, even sobs of happiness and tears of relief, the whole package. If this is the reaction to being told they were welcomed to live in a dark overlord's empire, I wondered what their reaction would be to democracy.
Probably absolute anarchy.
"Yay for the dark overlord!"
"Best. Overlord. Ever!"
"Long live our overlord!"
"Whoah, whoah, now," I quickly shouted over the din, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm no Overlord or anything special." And I'd rather not have some gallant hero come along to lop off my head to save these 'damsels-in-distress'. I doubt anyone sells Overlord insurance.
"Well now, that simply won't do, dear." The marshmallow-white pony with the prissy hair-do from earlier said, trotting up to my side. "Even if it's for the sake of appearances alone we still need an Overlord."
"Yes, and Crystal Heart has chosen you specifically. You are legitimately the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." The lavender unicorn (I finally decided on her label) from earlier said, trotting up to join her alabaster companion. What was her name? Twilight Sparkle? "And Rarity is right." She nodded at the marshmallow-y one, "The Empire needs a leader, both for us to unite under and as a face for the outside world to...well....fear. For that we need, well, an evil overlord."
"Yes, I for one welcome our new...err...." The white prissy little pony began, seeming to frown a little as she cocked her head from side to side, eyeing me up and down, as if trying to fit me into her universe somehow. She seemed to give up, shaking her head with a sigh, as if disappointed in me for not living up to her worldview.
Whoah, sorry, I know I don't make a habit of conforming, but, jeez, no need to be so hard on me for it. Aliens have hearts too, you know.
But despite her bitter disappointment in me the one apparently named Rarity seemed generous enough to give me a chance as she trotted up to me, not awkward, not awkward at all. She leaned in close and whispered aside to me, "....darling, what kind of overlord are you, exactly?" She hissed through clenched teeth.
I looked to the left. I looked to the right. It was easy enough to figure out my one distinctive feature that set me apart from all those gathered. Yep, clear as glass. "Dude." I replied, simply.
".....our new Dude Overlord!" She announced, throwing out a hoof with a flourish. I winced. Painfully. And from the looks of the crowd, I wasn't alone in my pain. "The...the Overdude!" She added, as if trying to twist the dagger a little deeper.
"Yeees, thank you." I nod, as graciously as I could manage without sputtering. "Speaking of the evil part though, that will be at most in measured doses, enough to keep life interesting but not enough to be of the doom and gloom variety." I added quickly, "That said, my humble and loyal assistant here doesn't seem to agree with me and I'd rather she not try to 'persuade' me again." I say, pointing at the still wailing Sunset Shimmer on the ground. "Do we have a dungeon? A prison perhaps? Maybe even a kennel?"
Twilight and Rarity looked at one another before Twilight finally offered an answer, "Err, I don't know about dungeons, but we certainly have corners." She said, pointing a helpful...hoof....at the nearest available corner.
I look at it. It looked about as diabolical a corner as any, all trigonometric and Euclidean. "Alright, throw her into the....corner." I declare.
And thrown into the corner she was. Gently, I might add. We decided to allow her to continue sniffling there by herself. She probably needed the time to herself.
"Ah b-beggin' your pardon, Mr. Overdude, sir," Another mare cleared her voice as she approached me cautiously. This one bore a sunset orange coat and matching sun-blonde mane, topped by...is that a stetson hat? "Ah'm....Ah guess Ah'm one of yer new subjects, yer Overdudeness. Mah name's Applejack. Pleased ter make yer acquaintance 'n' all. But if ah may be so forward, meanin' no disrespect or nuthin' to yer dudeness, may ah be the one to step up and, ah, clear the air a little, so to speak?"
Blunt, honest, if a bit roundabout. "You can clear up my air anytime, sweetheart." I reply with an inviting nod. "...In an entirely non-suggestive and entirely platonic way." I was quick to add quite earnestly under her glare.
"Are ya or are ya gonna sate yer carnal lusts upon ten of us at a time every night?" Okay, so, very very blunt and not roundabaout at all. "N-not that Ah hold that against ye or nuthin," She lied. Bad. "Err, ah mean, if ye really did. Ah don't mind it, not at all." If she were wearing pants, they'd be spitting ten different flavours of napalm right about now.
"Let me think about that." I begin, "Well, all the benefits considered...no." I reply flatly. "Just, no."
"Is that 'no' to just the number, as in, 'not ten' but in actual fact, 'fifteen' or maybe even 'twenny'?" She raised an eyebrow, peering at me suspiciously. "Or, y'know, just plain 'no' entirely?" She asked.
"Let me do the maths first." I reply, drolly, counting on my fingers, "Ten....twenty....one hundred...." I watched the horror rise up amongst the crowd like a helium balloon towards a ceiling of spikes. "Sorry, y'know what, a thousand's just not enough. So I'll just roll with plain 'no'." I say, shrugging.
"Is that 'no' like..." She began.
"It's 'no' as in 'no'." I say, flatly. "I mean, 'no'. Especially not the....not the...." I point at the nearest filly who instinctively dashed under the legs of her nearest grownup, whimpering. "Yeah, that." I finished, lamely.
"I-it's alright...." Another mare, one with a butter-yellow coat and wings with a sunset-pink mane to top it all off, fluttered up to me to....
...She was eyeing me, hoof raised, eyeing me up and down as if trying to figure out which part of my anatomy was in fact legitimate for patting and comforting. And I was right for she seemed to finally decide on my knee.
That felt comforting. At least for a bit.
"I-it's alright." She continued, her voice brimming with earnest fluffy-eared doe-eyed kindness. "We all..." She gulped, "Have...umm...likes and dislikes." She very kindly rammed the piledriver into my tender heart with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, the kindest bulldozer ever.
Oh, dear heaven, I never knew kindness could hurt this much.
"So let me get this straight!" Another pegasus, this one a cyan streak with what looked like an entire rainbow for a mane, flew up, shoving the butter-coated one out of the way, "Sorry, 'scuse me, Fluttershy. Now, you, yer gonna give us all a place to stay, just like that?"
"Yes." I shrug. "If you don't like it like that, I can think of another way. I'm thinking singing telegrams, perhaps."
"What's your angle, buster?" She demanded, poking a hoof at my face.
"Err.....angle?" I blink, "Well, I don't know. I like deep angles?" I replied lamely.
"Fun, obviously!" Another pony, this one a bright...ohmygodohmygodohmygod somuchpinkmyeyesmyeyesmyeyes! "I mean, what's the point of having a party with just one pony when you can have a 1000! It'd be, like, the super awesomefulllest party ever times 1000! Come to think of it, that number comes up a lot, don't you think? 1000 is such a round number, but what were the chances? I mean, really, 1000 years, 1000 sacrifices, 1000 armies, 1000 balloons and cakes. Oh my gosh, can you imagine all the balloons, cakes and fireproof galoshes I'd need?!" She grabbed the cyan pegasus by her face and peered deep into her eyes, "Can you, Rainbow Dash?! CAN YOU?!"
"I apologize for interrupting your time-wasting, Master." Crystal Heart suddenly piped up, "But we have three airborne vehicles inbound, ETA 2 hours. They seem to be tracing the magical signature of a stolen airship parked outside the citadel. I believe said stolen airship was how your most loyal servant got your sacrifices here."
"Does she have a parking permit?" I asked, "This is important."
"She doesn't even have an airship license." Crystal Heart supplied, helpfully.
"Airships..." Rarity hissed.
"Are they just Imperial guards or....?" Twilight asked, leaving the rest unsaid.
"They are the Inquisition." Crystal Heart confirmed her fears and that of everyone else present. "I intercepted their encrypted long range magical communications. Their mission is to search out the party of blasphemers planning to revive the dark lord of the north."
"Do we have any defenses?" I asked as the rest of those present descended into absolute panic and chaos and....where did those party balloons come from?
"I am prepping our border shields as we speak though it is likely they will ingress across our borders before it is ready. It will take another 5 hours to calibrate our stealth field generators." Crystal Heart announced, cooly.
"2 hours. Can we all fly away from here fast enough in that time?" Rarity suggested.
"The transport's out of juice. 'Sides, ain't fast enough." The rainbow-maned one said.
"Well, shoot, looks like we're sittin' ducks here." Applejack muttered.
"It'd take an entire army to face three airborne airships." Twilight bit her lip.
"We don't need an army." I said, slowly, inspiration dawning, "All we need to do is convince them I am a dark and terrible overlord. And it didn't take much to convince all of you." I reasoned, "So convincing a group of superstitious dick-worshiping pansies can't take that much more."
"And how, darling, do you propose we do that?" Rarity asked.
"With...." I gave them all a grin, "...style."
A few hours later found the Crystal Empire gleaming in the bright northern sun setting behind the ring of snowcapped mountains. The crystal facets of the main citadel was set afire by the furious sun, casting a blinding sheen far and near.
Something else gleamed in the sky. Three small dots quickly grew in the fiery red sky, becoming the familiar forms of 3 Imperial long range scouting airships. They quickly reached their query, the stolen transport airship on the ground and the magnificent if alien-looking crystal citadel next to it. But what immediately caught their attention as they circled in was the dark figure standing on the spire's summit.
There, with black cloak billowing in the fierce northern wind, trailing red and black flames at the edges, stood a darkness so black it practically ate bats and shat nightmares, radiating absolute distilled badassery and promising asskickery of divine proportions (if I do say so myself).
"I need some new threads." I said.
"My hooves are yours, darling." Rarity generously offered, "What do you need?"
"I want something black. It needs to scream 'badass evil overlord'. And a cloak. It needs to be kickass awesome, like, flaming awesome." I ponder this for a moment, "Can you make it flaming?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie can be gracious enough to lend you a hoof there." Another mare, this one a pure midnight blue with a pale silver mane, trotted over, raising her hooves with a flourish, "Illusion magic is, after all, one of Trixie's many great talents."
"That's great, Trixie, but we want our lord rare at most, alright?" Twilight chided.
"Hey! Trixie doesn't set things on fire....too often!" Trixie snapped.
"Hey, don't you worry! Worst that can happen, at least you'll be warm for the rest of your life." The pink one told me, reassuringly.
"You, bipedal creature on the roof." One of the airships began projecting a voice over what I assumed were loudspeakers of some sort. They needed it. I could practically hear them squeak their balls into the microphone. "You are standing inside an Imperial Inquisition scene of sacrilege. Identify yourself!" The voice barked.
"Identify myself....?" My voice magically boomed across the empire, bouncing off the very mountains. "You make such careless demands inside MY realm? Know your place!" I roared.
What happened next was beyond weird. For the first time in my life I felt what it was like to be weightless. A brilliant multicoloured glow embraced my entire body as I lifted up into the air.
This was certainly not a bad idea, especially not with my fear of heights, nope.
"So, what can unicorns do?" I asked, innocently, having been given a very quick crash course on the three different pony tribes.
"Pfft..." My question was met with derisive laughter.
"I think the easier question is...." A bright mint-green unicorn with white streaks in her mane, one who had very enthusiastically introduced herself as Lyra Heartstrings, "What can we unicorns NOT do."
"Especially the great and powerful ones like Trixie!" Trixie was quick to contribute, "There is nothing in Equus beyond Trixie's power!"
"Other than save us all from an evil tyrant god who would see us all enslaved forever and ever?" Another pony, an earth pony with a light violet coat from the looks of it, said. This was met with a chorus of laughter.
"Girls, girls, we're not answering our lord's question." Twilight said, "Magic, my lord, that is our specialty."
"Here, I listed everything we unicorns can't do." Lyra said, helpfully, handing me a sheet of paper. It was helpfully blank.
"Uhuh." I took her quill and scribbled 'Get laid' on it in big capital letters.
"Uhhh, I can't read. What does that say?" She poked a hoof at my writing.
"Get laid." I read out to her.
"HEY!"
"Tell me, Lyra, why are you here again? Prove me wrong, and we'll talk." I grinned to the laughter of some unicorns and definitely members of the other two tribes.
I rose up as a pair of fiery black wings trailing an inferno that would leave most phoenixes green with envy erupted from my back. Pretty cool, actually. I was expecting pink butterfly wings or something, considering my backstage wizards. Ah, I think I can grow to love unicorn magic.
"I am the Dark Overdude of the Northern Shadows, rightful Emperor of the Crystal Empire, guardian of all marked ponies, lord of the dance, king of the rock, divine distributor of righteous kickassery, unholy...."
"Psst, hurry it uuuup!" An urgent voice from below squeaked. I spared the source a quick glance. It was Twilight and an army of unicorns hidden amongst the parapets of the spire, all straining their magic through their horns to keep me aloft.
"Fine..." I sigh, "My realm reaches from the northern star to the roots of the mountains. All within are mine to protect. And you shall learn to respect the sanctity of my domain!" I threw out a hand imperiously at the farthest airship.
Dark clouds circled above me, twisting and turning into a gigantic spiralling halo of thunder and lightning, as if crowning my absolute badassery.
"So....what can the pegasi do?" I ask. I got a few glares for this, seeing as I had just asked what the unicorns were capable of. Jeez, gimme a break, I didn't know it was THIS touchy a subject.
"Only turn the entire sky into your WORST nightmare." One pegasus, a fire-yellow one crowned with a flaming mane, one aptly called 'Spitfire' apparently, said with an offhand shrug. "Nothing big, nothing showy."
"Here, unicorns aren't the only ones who can do fancy lists." One pegasus who had introduced herself as 'Jetstream' said, picking up a sheet of paper. "Imagine this is the sky." She took it, tore it into shreds, before setting it on fire with a lighter and blowing the cinders away with a puff.
"A breeze, a gust, maybe an order of tornados or lightning storms with a side of awesome." the rainbow-maned one, just as aptly named Rainbow Dash as I found out, grinned, "In 10 seconds flat."
"They just brought airships to a weather fight." I grinned widely at this.
The entire citadel began to rumble with the force of pure awesome measurable only in gigadecibels. The crystal shards making up its surface lit up with neon sparks as they began pumping out beats.
The familiar beats rolled out, but kicked up a notch or two, maybe three with an unearthly noise that shook the very mountains around us. To my enemies it was the sound of tombstones heralding their impending doom, the cries and laments of their women, the very death of the sun and stars in their eyes.
I reached into my pocket. Sure enough, I had my smart phone with me, as I always did, even in my sleep. Never dream without them. "Crystal Heart, have we got something to project some music outside?"
"Are you insulting my functionality?" Crystal Heart muttered. Seeing the quizzical look on my face she rolled her eyes and said, "Yes, I do, Master."
"Can we project something played from this?" I ask, showing her my smart phone.
"I believe the colloquial term is foals play." Crystal Heart nodded.
"If there's any music to be played, I'm your mare!" Another pony sporting a pure white coat, this one wearing a pair of shades, some kind of headset thing, and the widest grin I had ever seen on someone of the equine persuasion. "DJ PON-3, at your service, your bodaciousness, or Vinyl Scratch if you please"
"All yours, DJ." I said, tossing her my phone.
Thunder boomed to the rhythm of the citadel. Lightning lanced out, blasting two of the airships like paper kites. The heat from the explosion grazed my face but I kept up my chilly facade. It was either that or shit my pants, and I only had one one pair here.
The third pulled away very quickly, realizing it stood no chance. Take two, leave one to pick up the mess, just as planned.
The two stricken airships, trailing fire and smoke, quickly spiralled out of control before slamming into the main highway leading up to the citadel. I watched the flaming wreckage for a while, eyeing the scurrying figures trying to abandon ship.
With a relay of unicorn magic down the spire I slowly floated down to the ground and landed lightly in the snow below. Oh, ground, solid ground, how I missed thee! It took all of my willpower to not sink onto my shaking knees and kiss the snow below. I had an image to maintain, not to mention a lot of awesomeness as well as my bladder (no sudden movements!). I stepped out into the harsh wind as I regarded the flaming wrecks emblazoned against the frozen cityscape. Blazing footprints trailed in my wake, courtesy of more inventive unicorn magic.
I spared a quick glance to either side of the highway at the towering decorative crystal columns that lined the path up to the citadel. In their shadows stood entire squads of earth ponies, all waiting for my signal. I gave both sides a nod as I strode up purposefully towards the downed airships.
"I-it r-really is him!" A voice screamed from inside the closest airship. "T-the dark lord! J-just l-like the stories!"
"Get out, quick, before he sends more lightning down at us!" I saw a form climb out of the airship. It looked like a feline sort of creature, quadrupedal just like the ponies. The Felis, or so Twilight had called them, the so-called chosen of Ahuizotl. We'll see how lucky they feel to be his chosen when they learn who mine are.
"One of the ships survived! We need to get to the rendezvous point for a pick up! Move it!" More of them filtered out like rats from sinking ships, only to discover firsthand that cats can in fact swim.
"T-too late! H-he's heeeere!" I could almost hear the piddle in his voice. Oh, glory be.
"Alright, don't kill me." I said, as disarmingly as I could manage, "But I really need to ask..."
"It's alrigh', sugarcube, we earth ponies are used to it." Applejack said, graciously.
"Yeah, it's, like, totally cool!" The pink one, Pinkie-Pie was it, said with a cheerful hop, "Cause, we've got our own brand of awesomenaciousness!"
"Yeh'd better believe it! Our hooves can move entire mountains! That's wut Gran says!" One of the little fillies, this one apparently Applejack's little sister, Applebloom, said excitedly.
"Literally." Vetted Twilight.
"You guys aren't going to show me a list as well?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Err, we would, but we might accidentally bring the roof down on our heads." Another marshmallow-y pony, one that looked quite like her namesake 'Bon Bon', said with a grin. This got her a few glares from her pegasi and unicorn sisters.
"Huh....." I give this a thought, "So you've got power over magic, the weather, an enough strength to move mountains. Why are you all slaves again?"
This was met with a few uncomfortable looks, sideway glances, a few even looked away.
"It's alright, everyone starts somewhere." I sigh, "And us? We start here."
I slowed down a little, giving them time to evacuate their burning ships, empty their bladders and say their prayers. When they were finally on the run down the long highway I threw out both hands commandingly. On cue, the crystal spires lining the path cracked before groaning ominously in the wind as they began to collapse upon the retreating inquisition.
The very ground shook as the earth split open beneath every collapsing spire, as if ready to swallow the Felis troops whole. The collapsing spires and gaping earth chased them all the way to the borders of the empire, marked by a ring of towering monoliths. They probably thought themselves safe on crossing the border as they spared a moment to look back.
Their wrecked airships chose that moment to explode in a fearsome show of pyrotechnics that sent the flaming wreckage roaring high up into the air, falling and bouncing dramatically past me, silhouetting me against their brilliance. As I stood there, cloak billowing in the explosive shockwave, casting a long foreboding shadow across their trembling pack, I raised my voice once more.
"Go back." I bellowed, casting a hand forth towards their flinching forms, "Go back and tell your pissant god and his 'chosen' that I, the dark and evil Overdude, have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies! I know what he's done to my chosen! I swear upon the shadows of the old hells that for every pony he has ever harmed, I will kick his sorry rearmost anatomical member to death, revive him, and kick him again until we figure out how many different kinds of snot he's made out of! And then I will rub tabasco sauce in his wounds and set him on fire!" I thought for a moment before adding, "Oh, and you can tell him his mama's so fat they thought he was just her blubber at first!"
"As for you lot....get out of my sight before I decide to make you all poop hearts and fart rainbows to death. And next time you see a pony....Remember ME" I roared, causing them to struggle back onto their feet, pissing themselves as they rushed for safety. I sighed to myself with satisfaction as I watched the last of the stragglers pile into the last remaining airship before they took off into the sunset, engines at full blast as if the seven hells themselves was after them. Which they probably were.
"Primary shields online, Master" The now familiar form of Crystal Heart flashed into existence next to me. "Eyes on the Spire." She said, pointing up at the citadel.
It was just a fierce white glow at first, followed by a beam of brilliant white light that pierced the heavens. The beam rippled ominously as ethereal rings of light began to spread forth across the sky from the spire, descending above us towards the mountains beyond, touching the earth just behind the last airship's retreat. There was a brief shimmer as the globe of light flashed a pale pink.
"Pink. Really?" I asked, incredulous, "Doesn't it come in, I don't know, pistachio?"
"Pink is the new pistachio. Live with it, Master." Crystal Heart said. "Now, watch your step."
What happened next took my breath away. Any remaining clouds hanging in the air seemed to dissolve away into a bright, clear twilight sky, lit up by a long glimmering curtain of northern lights. Below the snow and frost seemed to peel away from the landscape, rising into the air in spirals of speckled light, leaving behind...was that green, lush grass? And flowery meadows? And beautiful sparkling rivers and streams gleaming in the starlight? And bountiful fruit trees as far as the eyes can see?
"Yes it is, Master." Crystal Heart answered, helpfully. Dammit, Crystal.
Even the chilly wind had died away, replaced by a warm spring breeze. It was as if the Crystal Empire had woken up from a long, deep winter slumber and had decided to immediately air out its bedsheets in a sudden fit of spring cleaning.
"Alright, the show is over, Master." Crystal Heart said as the breeze carried a flurry of dandelion spores across her face, "I will warn you now, with the shield up, my energy reserves are depleting as we speak. I implore you to make haste with generating the sustenance I require."
"Remind me what that is." I said.
"Hope and Love, Master." She said, deadpan. "From your loving subjects, I add."
"Well, if it's any help, it looks like we're about to have a bumper crop." I said, turning around to find a crowd of ponies galloping down the highway towards us. They were...cheering? And crying? And laughing even?
"That will do for an appetizer." Crystal Heart said, generously.
"You did it, Overdude person!"
"Yeah, you really kicked flank out there!"
"Yay for the Overdude!"
"Hail his all-bodacious awesomefulness!"
"Wheee! It's time for the 'We're an Empire!' Party!"
They seemed beside themselves with joy. And then it hit me just why that was. It was probably their first victory, ever. Their first time taking their fates into their own hands...er...hooves, and going out and actually kicking fate's butt to the curb. Me? I couldn't help but grin for them, with them.
"Stealth generators coming online soon, Master." Crystal Heart announced to me quietly, "And I have taken the liberty of deactivating the stolen airship's engines, rendering it untraceable. The only way they will find us now is by randomly showering this region with divine-level offensive spells."
"Good work, Crystal Heart. You've saved us all." I said, patting Crystal Heart on her mane. I froze as it struck me that I may have committed another interspecies faux-pas. But on noticing her eyes closed in evident enjoyment, I decided, what the heck. I'm the evil overlord. I can faux-pas the macaroons out of anybody I like and get away with it.
"No, Master, you have. Your actions today have given these ponies hope and, I daresay, a leader figure to love." Crystal Heart said, sounding earnest for the first time that day. "Without that, I would have no power or functionality to support you with. Now..." She gestured at the cheering ponies, "I believe is a good time for a victory speech."
The night fell upon the Empire proper as I nodded to Crystal Heart and stepped up to address the cheering ponies. Night lillies in the meadows around us chose that very moment to bloom, casting their glowing light and radiant pollen into the night. I basked in their glow a while as I found my voice. In that time, the crowd had grown silent, as if expecting my speech.
"My little ponies...." I began, finding my voice a little squeaky without the help of Crystal Heart's voice projection magic. "Ahem...if I may call you all that. I'm kinda crud at these speech sort of things."
"'I have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies!' Said the guy crud at speeches, yep." Lyra said, doing a perfect impression of my monologue. Laughter rose, bright and clear.
"Yeah, that was me crud. You gotta see me when I'm at my most epic." I said, to more laughter. "What I wanted to say is, we did it. We all thought today was lost, but together we've proven ourselves wrong. We've proven ourselves totally and undeniably awesome." I said, gesturing at the ponies gathered, "You, all of you, are undescribably awesome."
"All hail our lord, the overdude! Long live our Emperor!" A voice called out.
"Whoah, jeez, c'mon, guys, this is embarrassing." I said with a chuckle. "I didn't do anything out there. That was all you. You all...what was it? Kicked some real flank today."
"But you made it possible, your Overdudeness!" Rainbow Dash punched the air, "Besides, let's face it, they ran from the sheer coolness!" This was greeted with a chorus of nods.
"We could throw lightnin', levitation magic 'n' buck trees at them all day and we'd still be right where we started." Applejack said, "They need somethin' to properly fear. That somethin's you, your dudeness."
"Then let them one day fear the entirety of the pony race." I said with a grin.
"Your chosen, you mean?" Twilight said with a sly grin, "We caught that, you know. Girls, we're the dark overlord's chosen. How's that?"
"I'd say he's got a good eye." Rarity said, giving me a wink, as a wave of laughter rose up from the crowd.
"My little ponies, thanks, I had a lot of fun." I announced, happily. "I'm actually starting to wish this wasn't a dream now." I laugh, scratching my head sheepishly.
Then I realized I was the only one laughing.
The ponies before me were looking at one another, uncertain, some looking rather worried even.
"What? Did my hair spring up again?" I asked, patting my hair down.
"Err....you tell him." One pony said.
"No way, you do it."
"Well, he ain't gonna like what he hears, might as well get it over with, know what I'm sayin'?"
"Yeah...." Twilight stepped up, "Err...my lord, your cheek." She said.
I gave her a confused look as I reached up to my cheek. Then I felt the sting of the shallow scratch across one eye and the feeling of something warm and wet upon my fingers. I looked at my fingers, only to find, yep, bright red blood.
"You got the scratch when one of the airships blew up in your face. Must have been a piece of debris." Twilight said. "Lucky it didn't hit your eye."
"It....hurts....." I muttered, numbly.
"Yes." Twilight nodded, "The point is....you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"
"Ah, so....this isn't...a dream." I said, weakly.
"Err....no." Twilight shook her head, helpfully. "This is very real, my lord."
"Oh, that's alright then." I shrugged. "All perfectly, absolutely alright."
Then I promptly keeled over and blacked out.
The God Emperor of Ponykind And His Long and Tight Genes - Part 1
'Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, tickets sold out' the poster announced. I smirked to myself as I continued on my way to work. Has that evil dark lord ever gotten 1000 virgins as a sacrifice? Or saved them all and earned their smiles and cheers? To the noise of dubstep no less? Alright, they were virgin mares, and technically they kind of saved themselves, and, to top it all off, it was just a dream. I chuckled to myself. Still, see any other dark lord get to do all that and be as awesome as I was. In. My. Sleep. Hah.
I wish I had a pair of shades so I can say that again, twice as cool.
It was just another day in good ol' real life. The concrete world and its bleeding heart cries out for help at every corner. Me? I was one of those who had to briskly walk on, ignoring the homeless and beggars on the street. I told myself it's because I actually had even less money than them with 12000 pounds in debt with 200 pounds on my overdraft, because I don't have the time in between juggling my two part time jobs and chasing my dreams of one day hitting a stage in a west end theatre, that 2 hours in the soup kitchens every weekend was enough.
Haha, it almost feels like having enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic twice is a requirement to be a great dramatic hero these days. And hey, I'm not even trying. Still, I wasn't one to lug it all around with me. I'm alive, I have my health, I'm free too, which, come to think of it, was more than those poor mares in my dream had. I guess my only real regret is not being able to do more for the world at large. I mean, I live in a first world country for macaroon's sake and I still see crud happening in my very own streets.
I have these moments sometimes, times when I wish I could wrap up the whole world in a big warm blanket and whisper to it that everything will be alright. A strange, fierce possessiveness, a protectiveness, that I wish I could channel somehow, someway. Yeah, call me a sap, an idyllic dreamer, a naive bleeding heart. I've heard it all. But that's just what I am. And I tell you, there's nothing worse to me than that feeling of helplessness as I watch the world's cries for help go unheeded. I felt so powerless, so impotent, before the despair and desperation that plagued those who deserved better, much better.
I told myself that once I earn enough I'll be able to settle down, raise a family and do enough charity to channel out all those urges. Still, at the time it looked about as realistic as a trip to the moon. Possible, just impossibly difficult, if you know what I mean.
It bordered on selfish sometimes, this odd urge of mine. Perhaps all I wanted was to be useful to somebody, anybody. More importantly, I wanted people to depend on me, me and only me, as twisted and self-centered as that sounded. What's it called again? Messiah complex? Sometimes I wonder if I needed to get my head checked. Yeah, I probably did.
The thought brought me back to last night's dream again. My grand stage, my kickass performance, the beautiful theatrics and my truly awesome backstage team, all of it played itself out in my head. And, most importantly, I got to forge a safe haven for an entire nation of deprived, hapless victims of a world gone mad. For a brief but brilliant moment, I was needed. And it was beyond wonderful.
I was smiling a little manically all the way to work. Ah, there it was, another reason to smile. I'm getting my promotion today. Up from pizza delivery dude to delivery department superintendent dude. Not much, but it meant less running around in the rain rushing to chase the 20 minute deadlines, less staying past my shifts, more money, and more time to my dreams. I might even get a bonus, one that would go wonderfully towards covering that overdraft. Hey, who said real life can't be awesome sometimes?
"....he was your father, wasn't he?" My boss said, setting the newspaper down on his desk. As much as I tried to avert my eyes from it, I couldn't help but read the headlines, upside down even.
"Mass Murdering Gang Lord Killed in Shootout.".
"I....never knew him, sir." I said, eyes cast down. It was the truth, I didn't. As far as I was concerned, I only shared his name. It was a mark I carried upon me like a curse, one that would hound me to the end of my days. I grit my teeth. Not now. Don't be a father to me now of all times.
"My....condolensces for your loss." My boss said without the slightest hint of feeling behind it, slowly getting up from his chair and patting me rather gruffly on the shoulder, all while subtly steering me towards his door, "Ah, and what we discussed earlier, you know, the superintendent thing..." He cleared his throat uncomfortably.
My heart was already sinking. No, please, you can't, you can't take that away....
"....please forget we ever had that discussion." He said, opening the door for me, "I hope you understand."
The door closed on me before I could say anything. You can't. You couldn't. I needed that.
"Hey, guess what, Mr. Superintendent." A loathsome voice trilled.
"I don't know, what?" I asked, innocuously, as I turned away from the one person I didn't want to meet that day, the guy whose entire life's goal seemed to be making my life at work a living hell.
"I'm a superintendant too." He chuckled, "Oh, but wait, there can only be one of us so....oooops, sorry."
And I'd say he achieved his goal, marvellously. Oh bravo.
"Tell you what, before you head out for the day, you can sort out these bills from last night's runs." He said, throwing a pile of notes in my face.
"...Sure." I said, being careful not to glower.
"Can't hear you, ex-next-superintendent."
"Yes, boss." I gritted my teeth.
"Good boy. Keep it up and I might let you make my coffee." He patted me on my cheek and walked on.
I wanted something, anything, to take my attention away from the seething, raging roaring feeling of injustice in my heart. And my wish was granted. I noticed something, a papercut on one of my fingers, courtesy of the bills in my hands. Great, just great. As if I....wait....
It didn't hurt.
I frowned as I peered at it. Then, feeling madly courageous, I bit it.
It still didn't hurt.
"The point is....you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"
"Oh...." I murmured. "Thanks, Ms. Sparkle." Then I fell.
My entire world spun. A spiral of darkness consumed everything. It was a darkness I welcomed with all my heart. Take me, just take me now. Anywhere, anywhere but here.
There's normally some ceremony to waking up in an alien world. There'd be the bleary eyes, the fuzzy vision, the wondering, the disorientation, the more realistic concerns regarding the state of one's bladder, that sort of thing. Me? I got to go from sleep to hissy-screaming-waking-nightmare in less than a second. At least I didn't have to worry about my bladder anymore
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!" I screamed at the pair of bigger-than-life cerulean orbs that were but half-an-inch away from my eyes. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!" I shrieked like a pansy again. "AAAAaaaaa....aaaaa....a." My cries finally died down, giving away into hysterical panting.
"Master is unfortunately very alive, nurse Redheart." The pair of orbs announced. "You can keep the suppositories for later."
"Aww...well, I guess there will be plenty of opportunities later." I saw a pure white pony with a candy-floss-pink mane turn away out of the corner of my eye. I even spotted the mark on her flank, a red cross surrounded by hearts.
Wait, what, what opportunities?! Hey!
If I had my wits about me then I would have considered my luck before these alleged suppositories became necessary. But I didn't because there were a few pounds of pony lying on top of me, pinning me to something that was thankfully soft and warm.
"I will leave you two to it then. I'll come back later when you're done." The nurse pony said. I heard a door somewhere close, presumably behind her.
Leave us to what?! Done with what?! Does this have something to do with the pony on top of me?! It does, doesn't it?!
I did my best to voice my concerns about our rather uncomfortable proximity and my discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up as clearly and coherently as I could.
"Holy son of a submariner." I cried "Crystal Heart. What. The. Fuck."
"You are perhaps concerned about our rather uncomfortable proximity. Your discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up is duly noted." Crystal Heart said, continuing to peer deep into my eyes.
Dammit, Crystal Heart. I'm only going to get used to thinking that, aren't I?
"You will get used to this, I assure you." She said.
Dammit dammit dammit.
"Is this a pony thing?" I finally asked after a lengthy and rather awkward pause. Any amount of time having a little pony lying on top of you is awkward, come to think of it.
"No, it is a Crystal Heart thing. Though I suppose it can be a pony thing to some ponies with their special someponies." Crystal Heart said. This took me a while to process, but a very very short time to blush at. Crystal Heart didn't seem to care for my blushing as she went on, "I am simply completing your registration as the Crystal Emperor and attuning the synchronization between us.
"Does it have to be done in this position?" I asked, "Or any position, for that matter?" I quickly added.
"Yes. I decided it would be best to take advantage of you while you were unconscious." She said, calmly.
That sounded so ho-...I mean, wrong. The wrong sort of wrong.
"My consent is not necessary here, I take it?" I raised a suspicious eyebrow.
"It is consensual if you cannot say 'no'." She replied, simply. That didn't help my suspicions at all.
And before I was able to retort, she shut me up. With a kiss. I suppose it was a kiss. I mean, putting lips together might mean something entirely different in equine culture and aspiring dimensional travelers should not be too hasty in jumping to conclus-aaaaaaaahitsakissitsakissitsakissitaskissitaskiitonguetonguetonguetonguetongue!
.....
Huh. It was kinda nice, actually.
But just as I settled into it, even considering giving as good as I received in the sudden surge of the moment, she pulled back. Before I could ask her what just happened, she rolled off me and gracefully landed on all fours on the ground beside my bed.
I just kissed a pony. Or, rather, a pony just kissed me. Full on the lips. There was even tongue involved. And before I could even ask her what the flying macaroons was wrong with her or why that was actually kinda hot, I found her smacking her lips thoughtfully, murmuring, "Hmmm,"
"Liked that, did you?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Very interesting genes you have, Master." She remarked, licking her lips.
"That was the hottest pillow talk I've ever heard." I muttered. "One player to another." I tipped an invisible hat to her.
"If it were me I would do without a lot of this junk data. Despite the complex back and forth information storage, it is so very limited." She went on.
"Hey, are you dissing my genes?" I demanded. "My parents worked really hard at it, you know."
"I am not 'dissing' your genes. I am simply stating that it is primitive and limited." She replied.
"So you are dissing it." I crossed my arms indignantly. "You telling me pony genes are sexier than my long, tight DNA?"
"Try building a genetic framework that allows for multiple and very varied subspecies capable of interbreeding and still producing viable offspring without mis-expressing multiple phenotypes or completely losing entire genotypes through generations of interbreeding." She rambled.
Silence. ".....shall I get you some laxatives?" I finally offered, very kindly.
She rolled her eyes, "When a mommy pegasus and a daddy unicorn buck....are you with me so far?" She asked, testily. "Or do you need pictures?"
"Absolutely mesmerized with you, Crystal Heart, dear." I said, turning onto my front and kicking my feet up into the air daintily. "I love it when you talk dirty to me."
"It takes a lot of work to make sure they can still make foalies and don't accidentally produce a pegasus with a horn." She said, valiantly ignoring my quips. "There is of course further complexities with regards to the variety in coat and mane colours, but we can peruse that further when you graduate into kindergarten and learn more about colours."
"So you were an accident?" I asked, pointing at her horn and wings. "A very beautiful accident, might I add."
"No, I am also part earth pony. And this was by design." She said, simply. She offered no further explanation so I decided not to press her any further. Partly because I had a more pressing question.
"Did you just kiss me?" I asked, pointedly.
"You have good priorities, Master. Or does information travel through your head at different speeds?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "I was simply extracting samples of genetic material. Though if your ego may benefit from it you may interpet it otherwise."
"Did I say 'yes'?"
"You didn't say 'no'."
"Did you have to kiss me?"
"Would you rather I suck your marrow? Arguably easier, yes."
"Why is it I am very very suddenly very okay with you kissing me?"
"That is inevitable. Irresistibility is a hard-wired feature."
"Oh, that's alright then." I filed that under 'Crystal Heart's trolling me again' as I fell back on my pillow with a pomf. In all seriousness though, I wasn't as bothered by that kiss as much as my conscience demanded me to be. It was definitely something to think about, perhaps once I've had some coffee to oil the ol' gears.
Do they have coffee machine here? Heck, do they even have coffee? Oh god, the real nature of this nightmare has just revealed itself to me, a world without coffee!
I slowly regarded my as-yet-coffeeless world. It had 4 walls of smooth, polished royal crimson crystalline paneling, one of which was curved all along its length and bore a a series of ceiling-high tapering windows opening out into a wide balcony of sorts. Beyond the sea of stars glimmered behind a majestic curtain of northern lights. Above the ceiling spiraled into a massive crystal cupola bearing more windows and an impressive diamond-clear crystal chandelier. It was a bedroom, a very magnificent one, decked with all manner of slightly mismatched fancy furniture that had no doubt been gathered through one bloody conquest after another. There was even an entire liquor bar along one wall holding an entire selection of millenia old liqueur. But like all bedrooms, the main dominating feature was the bed.
You know, this bed is quite soft. And massive. I'd go so far as to call it Emperor-size. And only partly out of my ego-tripping, because this bed really did make King-size beds look like baby cots. It was love at first sight. I could shun most luxuries, but I was not one to ditch on quality sleep, and this baby promised express tickets to dreamland.
"Is this...my bed?" I asked, turning over and doing snowangels on the soft smooth (is this silk?!) covers. "It's massive!"
"Yes, it is a 'herd-size bed'. By definition it must be massive." Crystal Heart said.
"Herd...size?" I blinked, sitting up abruptly. "Why...is it called that?" I asked, apprehension rising.
She gave me her usual impatient look, "Because it is built to support a stallion and his entire herd. Though in the case of your predecessor, 10 of his herd at a time."
"...." Eww. Ewwww. Like, eeeeeeeww! "Please tell me you washed this?" I pleaded.
"The last laundry day was Friday. One thousand years ago." She replied. I swear I'm going to start hating that number.
I've never gotten out of bed quicker, including someone else's. Yet another personal record.
And thusly me and my bed's brief tryst came to an abrupt end as the sordid truth came to light. It was never meant to last. It's alright, bed, I'll still sleep with you at least. Once you've had a wash off course. A very thorough wash, with some industrial grade bleach.
As I stood I felt an odd draft in the genes. I looked down and found the universe basking in my unadulterated unfestooned glory, reveling just as it did on the day I was born. And what a glorified draft it was.
Yes, waking up with all my clothes gone. I found myself on more familiar ground. Now, the question is 'why'. I looked up at Crystal Heart.
Then it hit me with all the force of the obvious express. The answer was staring me in the face, and it was one that caused me to fidget uncomfortably. Crystal Heart, and, in fact, every single pony I had encountered thus far, were as naked as the day they were born. Which was fine before because, hey, they were just ponies, just....animals....?
....except they aren't animals. They are very much sentient, very very much human, or equine or whatever it is you could call them. And they were female. And they were very naked. I am totally not drawing mental comparisons to nudist communes. I am certainly not finding this hot in the slightest. No siree.
Okay, maybe just a warm niggle, that's all.
You know what? I don't know why I'm having such a hissy fit of this. This was obviously a cultural norm. Yes, that's all it is. And being the open-minded individual I would embrace these norms like a real man, and, trust me, men don't get any realer than this. Hands on my hips, my glory basking in the draft or whatever, I do an experimental hip thrust to establish how secure I felt. Hmmm, yes, security and peace of mind.
....
Yeah, no. Where are my jeans, dammit.
"Analysis complete." Crystal Heart announced. "Your genes will do." She even rolled her tongue over the word for emphasis.
Not only are you doing that Crys-troll mind trick again, you're using my own bad puns against me! Dammit times infinite, Crystal Heart!
"Yay?" I venture, weakly, quickly fashioning myself a bed sheet toga, trying not to imagine where the sheets might have been 1000 years ago.
"Yay indeed." Crystal Heart nodded in agreement.
"Look, Crystal Heart, I appreciate your constant and very subtle hints at pimping me out, I really do. It's sweet." I finally sigh, "But if I didn't know any better, I'd think you weren't jealous at all. I thought you loved me. I'm hurt, Crystal Heart." I said in mock-hurt. Point was, I can, in a twisted sort of way, understand the cold logic behind her thinking. But that's all it was, cold logic, without a thought spared to, well, all the warmer living bits of meat. Like me.
"The Empire is not a capitalist society, Master, it is a tyranny. We do not 'pimp', we 'partake'." Crystal Heart said, simply. "And....I...I did not mean it that way..." She said quietly, suddenly turning away.
"Huh?"
"I hear Redheart returning." She quickly said, ears twitching, as she trotted off towards the door to let the nurse back in. Before I could ask her about the abrupt topic change I was interrupted by a voice at the door.
"Good, Crystal Heart is done with you." The snow-white nurse pony from earlier peeked in, giving me a little bow of her head. She had a very catch name, what was it? Oh yes, the mark. Nurse Redheart? "Your lordship, I forgot to mention, you must keep your bandaging dry and clean. If you make a mess of it then do call me immediately. Now, I must return to the others." Then without another word, she disappeared. It must be a multiversal nurse thing, to be stern yet caring, brief yet thorough.
Bandages? I reached up to where I remember the cut to my face was. My fingers quickly found the bandaging as well as smarting pain.
It hurts.
This is going to become old real fast, but yeah, this isn't a dream. Buck my life this isn't a dream.
"This isn't a dream, Master." This coming from a little brightly coloured pony with an oversized head and eyes and cute little hooves made for the most surreal image ever. "This is very, very real."
I stood in silence for a while as I let that sink in like the flaming husk of the Hindenburg. Everything I did came back to mind, everything from (cringe) eat a 1000 year old spell to (double cringe) give a crazy inquisition the flaming finger of doom to (oh double macaroons on fire) ruining a little pony for marriage. The only thing I haven't done is pop bubble wrap with her horn, and that's only because I haven't found any bubble wrap. I am so going to the local rainbow-farting-equivalent of hell for this. And to be fair things were already heading there in a handbasket, strapped to a runaway over-inflated whoopee cushion.
"What you are experiencing is post-summoning disorientation. Do not worry, I am sure nopony will notice any lasting brain damage." Crystal Heart reassured me.
"I don't think I will either. I feel quite overwhelmed..." I said, shaking my head. "I don't think 1000 year old spells sit well with nachos and ice cream."
"Don't worry, Master, I will be right there to help you." Crystal Heart said.
"With my very promising 1000 year old bowel motion or with things in general?" I ask, "I'm not judging you or anything, but it's just not my thing."
"As loathe as I am to say this considering the image you just conjured, I'm afraid I am at your disposal for absolutely anything you wish, Master." Crystal Heart replied. "Jokes aside, I live only to serve you, my Master." She said, suddenly solemn, "You have my word, Crystal Heart shall stand by you. Come fire or rain, gods or demons, I am your ever loyal assistant."
"..." I sigh, kneeling down to give Crystal Heart a thorough ruffle of her mane. She only eyed me blankly at first, before slowly closing her eyes. I even heard a little sigh escape her lips. "Thanks, Crystal Heart. That means a lot to me, especially now." I smile. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. "Now, I need to ask, can I give you new directives?"
"Before or after 'Plots, Lots of Plots, and Dat Plot?'" She asked, cocking her head to one side with my hand still resting on her mane. Why does she look so tooth-achingly cute when she does that?
"This one will be your most important directive." I said, giving her a firm look, "No matter what happens. Even after I'm gone, should I be replaced by the next pizza dude in line to the throne, I want you to keep this one."
"Very well." She gave a little nod, "I am prepared to hardwire your directive, Master."
"Anything you do, do it only because you want to." I said, "That includes your orders and duties to the Empire."
"...I..." She blinked, her usual cool expression suddenly melting into one of surprise. "I do not understand. I have only one desire." She murmured, looking down, the confused turmoil evident on her face, "That is to serve the Crystal Empire."
"And that's alright, but only if that is what you yourself truly want to do." I grinned, ruffling her mane gently,
"I...Master...." She murmured, uncertainly.
Her words were interrupted as a radiant cerulean glow almost blinded us. The light slowly receded to reveal a glowing little sphere of prismatic light floating gently in between us, trailing little flickers of iridescent light.
"That was fast." Crystal Heart murmured, before nodding at me, "Please go ahead, Master. Take it. It is yours by right."
I gave her a questioning look but reached out and closed my hand around the glow. It felt warm, so incredibly warm and comforting to touch, like cupping my hands over a dandelion warmed by the light of spring. Then, just like a dandelion, the light dispersed around my fingers in little flecks of crystalline light.
I felt a weight in my hand. I opened it curiously and found something gleaming in my palm. My heart almost melted at the sight of cute little thing. It was a miniature figure of Crystal Heart, striking a pose, best hoof forwards, wings raised as if ready to take flight. Except her coat and mane gleamed as if the figure had been very finely carved out of a single heart of cool sapphire.
It was a little pony of a little pony. How Inception is that?
"So, who cut the budget on the special effects?" I ask, "I'd expect you to at least shine like a disco ball and ascend spiralling into the air, eyes glowing brightly and ominously with a creepy smile before you poop out your mini-self in a torrent of rainbows."
"We like our magic simple and straight to the point, like a hoof to the face." Crystal Heart said, "You wouldn't ask a hoof planted deep in your face to have more special effects, would you, Master?"
"Crystal Heart, I think I have a hard-on." I said, eyeing the figure almost lasciviously, causing her no end of discomfort, I'm sure. "What is this thing I'm falling hopelessly in love with?"
"This, Master, is an MLP." She replied, simply.
"Giving it an acronym does not help my boner." I point out. "What does it stand for, My Little Pony?"
She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Very funny, Master. No, it stands for Magic Linker Peripheral."
I stare at her blankly. "That doesn't justify my raging hard-on. You suck at naming things. It's My Little Pony from now on." I decide, "So, what does this My Little Pony do? Other than look really pretty?"
"It's a proof of our provisional contract, Master, of my becoming your most humble and loyal retainer." She explained, patiently.
"Careful, last person to use 'humble and loyal' on me ended up being ruined for marriage and was left lying in a corner." I warned.
"Kinky." Crystal Heart remarked, deadpan expression strong as ever, "This is a function exclusive to the Emperor. It forms when somepony's feelings of love, hope, loyalty, faith, <insert alternative manner of sap here>, towards you grows strong enough to qualify them as your loyal follower. This is also assuming you're open to having them as a close follower. The contract will form automatically as long as you are on Crystal Empire soil." She explained, patiently. "We'll get to permanent and eternal contracts when the time comes. And you weren't listening to me, where you?"
"Not really." I reply, "All I heard was 'I love you, Dude'."
"My loyalty to you is only natural, Master. After all, I am your Empire. My MLP appearing was only a matter of completing your registration as Emperor." She waved an indifferent hoof. "That I become the first of your retinue was to be expected. Nopony else would give you their unswerving loyalty this easily." She blustered.
"Awww, I love you too, Crystal Heart." I patted my assistant who only shot a glowering look back at me in reply. "But retinue and retainer's kinda ten apocalypses ago. I'm the dark Overdude. Let's go with 'pawns'"
"No, Knights." She surprised me. It seemed she felt quite strongly about the naming.
"Minions." I mused aloud.
"Paladins." She said.
"Underlings?" I suggested.
"Crusaders." She said with a tone of finality, as if concluding the negotiations.
"Hey, I like that." I snapped a finger at the idea, "The Dark Overdude and the Marked Crusaders of Darkness. Yeah, that works." I grinned, poking the MLP on the flank idly.
"What, I ask, are you doing to little me, Master?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, so it's not a voodoo doll." I sighed in mock disappointment. "I demand a refund."
"It's payable in pity." Crystal Heart mock-sympathized with me.
"I mean, imagine, I could make you, I don't know, smile." I said with a grin.
"You need only order me, Master." She said, without making any effort at the actual task.
"Eh, I'd rather leave that order up to your feelings." I said with a grin. I may or may not have imagined her blush as she looked away. I didn't get to find out as she very quickly froze.
"Twilight Sparkle, incoming." She muttered to herself. "Initiating power-conservation mode stealth protocol." She announced to nobody in general before dropping to her belly and crawling....yes, crawling under the bed. "Stealth achieved. Activating silent running." Her muffled voice came up from below. Then silence.
"..." I didn't get much time to ponder the strange behaviour before a knock sounded on the door. Ah, that must be what she meant. I fought to suppress a grin as I called out, "Come in, Ms. Sparkle."
"Oh, that was almost scary, your lordship." The now familiar lavender form of Twilight Sparkle peeked into the room. "How did you figure out it was me?"
"Overdude sense. I can smell the scent of heart-stopping beauty and bookish nerds coming a mile away." I give her a mysterious smile as I tapped my temple. "Come in and close the door before you let all the awesome out of the room." I invited her in.
"I'm sorry for interrupting...." She peered around, "Oh, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I thought you were talking to someone?" She asked, noticing my best friends, Thin Air and Lonely Ness.
"Oh, just Crystal Heart." I said, before jolting a little as I felt a little maw of doom clamp around my ankle by the bed. "....whoooo you just missed." I breathed through the pain, "I...I sent her off to get me a chamber pot big enough for me. You know, overdude size." I felt the grip about my ankle tighten. I had to fight to not let the wince reach my face. "I haven't gone in 1000 years after all." I explained, shaking my ankle violently until it was free of the jaws of death herself.
"Aww...that's a pity. I've been wanting to study he-...I mean, talk to her. Oh, the thought of a sentient magical artifact! All the things she must know!" There was a dangerous glimmer in the mare's eyes. I felt something underneath my bed quiver. Suddenly I feared for my dear Crystal Heart. "I'm sure I'll get a chance to take her apa-....take her for a chat later." She said, before suddenly snapping to attention. "Oh, sorry, your lordship, for barging in." She curtsied to me once more, "It is good to see you awake and well, my lord."
"Enough with the 'lord' thing already, Ms. Sparkle." I said, waving a hand at her. "Or I'm going to need a bigger chamber pot. And some mint. Hmm....mint."
"You can call me Twilight, my lord." She said, head still bowed low.
"And you and all the others can just call me 'Dude'." I said, "Rise before you find something embarrassing in the carpet, jeez."
"Umm....actually, that's something I wanted to bring up with you, my lord." Twilight said, finally rising.
"Look, whatever you found in the carpet is most probably 1000 years old and most definitely wasn't mine. I haven't had any in 1000 years, okay?" I said, quickly. "Sunset Shimmer wasn't even foreplay."
"N-no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything of the sort, my lord." Twilight quickly said, looking sincerely guilty. I actually felt bad for a moment. Looks like a crash course on dude humour will be high on the agenda. "If I may continue calling you that? Please, I will explain why that is a must."
Seeing the serious look in her eyes I give a little nod and invite her to speak, "Alright, please, tell me what's on your mind."
"Thank you, my lord. Now, allow me to start by saying, Sunset Shimmer may have, sort of, filly-napped us, but I have given her actions today a lot of thought." She paused to give me a look, "Her means may not have been the best, but her ends were justifiable."
"What? Making you all my personal harem?" I blink. "Just cause it's hot doesn't mean it's right."
"N-no, not quite." Twilight shook her head quickly, "I meant creating a sanctuary for all of us ponies in Equus."
"You guys could have gone for some nice hot tropical beach or cool shadowy forest glade, but no, you had to go where even my usually hot balls almost got frozen off." I said, "Let me guess, there's a reason she had to come all the way out here to summon a dark overlord from this frozen hell."
She took a deep breath, as if preparing to drop the bomb. "We're not running from just anypony, we're running from a god."
And the bomb dropped, and it rained pennies. I sighed deeply. "So...this A-Whose-Snot guy really is a god?" I ask, dreading the first of the penny storm.
"Not just any god, lord Ahuizotl is this world's most powerful being. He moves the very sun and moon. He commands the Elements of Order. He wears the very fabrics of reality as if it were his cloak." Twilight said. I didn't need to ask her if this was for real. The haunted look in her eyes was telling enough. "There is no hiding from the sun or the moon, or from reality itself."
"To counter hell, we build our own." I mutter, "You needed a dark overlord as a nuclear deterrent at the very least."
Her eyes lit up at this. It was like watching the last beautiful sunrise before it started raining frogs. "Yes, yes, and we finally have one!" Twilight said, excitedly. "With you here we can finally stand a chance! We can save everypony! We can deliver ponykind!"
Deliver? What irony. Girl, all you got to deliver you all is the pizza delivery dude. 20 minutes or it's free, tips welcome.
That feeling of powerlessness loomed once more like Vesuvius over Pompeii. This was beyond Twilight needing to call me her lord. She needed a god. These ponies needed a god, a god greater than this Who-snot, who could keep them safe from him not just here, but in their minds as well. And unfortunately, the ugly reality of it is, all they got is me, the pizza delivery dude with a messiah complex.
"What...what's wrong?" Twilight asked, face suddenly dropping as she raised an uncertain hoof towards me, "Are you alright, my lord?" I gritted my teeth as I turned away, not able to face her hopeful eyes, her expectant gaze.That was when my eyes drifted down from hers and fell upon a dark patch around her neck where the fur was just the slightest bit off-colour. Is that...?
She seemed to notice me starring as she quickly turned away. "S-Sorry, m-my lord, I didn't mean to show this, I should have thought of a way to cover it up."
Is that what I think it is? I could feel something else rise deep within. A much stronger feeling, a simmering anger, threatening to boil with protective fury. "What is that, Twilight?" I asked, quietly, almost struggling to hold it in. "Please, tell me." I had to know, at the risk of exploding with righteous wrath.
"This was...where I wore my yoke and bit my whole life. It's the mark of all hoofers." She whispered, eyes cast down, "From the day we were born, Sunset Shimmer and I....until the day we gained these marks."
"You....grew up together?" I asked, weakly, for want of something to say.
"I-it's.....a long story." She whispered, "Her father w-was an inquisitor. Her mother was marked when she...when she gave birth to Sunny." Twilight breathed, her voice barely audible.
"He didn't..." I growled under my breath. I had very quickly gathered what happened to those who developed these marks. It did not leave much to imagine what happened next.
"He w-watched her...watched her burn at the stake. H-Her last wish was that he s-spare Sunny. He entrusted Sunny to my mother. Then he...he....he....." It was monotone narrative, as if what emotions she had of the memories had long since drained away. But her empty voice, her eyes were anything but. They were gazing elsewhere, wide-eyed with horror as if reliving a waking nightmare.
"Twilight, it's alright, you don't have to..." I said quickly, but the mare wasn't listening. She was trapped in another place, another time entirely.
"Sunny grew up with me...u-until one day somepony spread lies about us b-being marked. When the inquisition came she...she ran and led them away. I...I thought I had lost her until...until she came to take me...take me here...." She was quivering uncontrollably by this point.
That was it. I had to wake her up. I reached out. I pulled her into the tightest embrace I dared give. "Enough." I said, "Enough of that." It was all I could say. What words could comfort such haunted eyes, such heart-wrenching memories, such a vivid waking nightmare? She gave a little gasp, tensing up under my hold at first. But then she allowed herself to lean into me, releasing a few quiet sniffles of relief as she slowly returned to the present. "Are you back?" I whispered.
"Yes...sorry..." She gathered enough of herself to plough on. "Please....you saved us once already....you made us mere hoofers do the impossible." She pleaded, breaking down into hiccuped sniffling. I could see the desperation in her eyes. She wanted to believe. She wanted to believe so much it hurt. "Please....with your help....we can find a way to make this all okay...I know it...I'm sure of it..." It was the voice of a creature who had lived her entire life enslaved by desperation and fear, of one who was ready to grasp onto any sliver of hope, no matter how impossibly remote the chances.
As I held her, staring at her shoulders as if searching for an answer, I saw them. I felt them. They stared back at me like serpentine eyes, slitted windows into an ugly past. Scars, hiding beneath her soft lavender fur. As she said, there were those from bone-breaking wear and tear under the yoke. But there were more. Whip marks, deep lashes, lots of them, cruel and merciless, so deep the fur above never grew back the same.
Damn. You. A-Who-Its-Not. God da-....no, not here, not in this world. No, it's Me. It's Me damn you. Me. Damn. You.
If I have to rise and become a greater god than you to smite you and damn you to the deepest pits of whatever rainbow-farting hell they have around here again and again for every whip mark, every little bruise and scrape I find upon my little ponies, then so be it, I will not become just any god. I will become the god emperor of ponykind, so help me, me.
Should I even stop to consider what it takes? If all it took to become a god around here was to be the biggest jerk in the land then I'm already over-qualified. Heck, maybe that's all there is to it.
I chuckle to myself bitterly. None of that mattered. Twilight does. She and her ponies. For them I must be whatever they need me to be. For their sake, I had to at the very least, yes, roll with it.
I could have given her an encouraging little speech. I could have told her that if with the power of 1000 ponies I could be a badass frickin' overdude, with all of this world behind me I could be their god emperor of ponykind. I could have told her how I would not only protect them day and night, I would vanquish their every fears to the deepest pits of hell. I'm an actor, I could do all of that with ease.
But fancy monologues were something I'd leave for my enemies. No, for her, I will not speak. I will act.
Besides, Twilight is a strong girl. One look told me that much. She's already survived her life of absolute hopeless misery on macaroons-knows-what godlike strength of will and determination. She didn't need to be saved. She didn't need to be mollycoddled, patronized, to be told everything will be alright. No, she was the one to do the saving. She sought me out here when she could be sitting patiently like the others because she needed to act, because she was ready to take things into her own hands. Or hooves.
As presumptuous as it may sound, I'd go as far as saying she was like me. She wanted, needed to act, to save her race, her world. She simply thinks herself powerless. But with the 'badass frickin' overdude' behind her, she felt had a chance.
Who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
"Twilight." I said, holding her steady by her shoulders as I gave her what I suppose was a determined look. "This evil overdude's got a lot of flank to kick, but I'm kind of new to the neighbourhood. I'm going to need somebody to aim my righteous flank-kicking in the right direction. I'm going to need your help." I smile at her, releasing her shoulders and offering her a hand, "Can I count on you to guide my way, Twilight Sparkle?"
"My lord...." She quickly wiped away her tears before giving me a determined smile, taking my hand in both her hooves tightly. "My hooves are yours." As simple and straightforward as I knew she'd be. "I-I'm sorry...for that display. I-I don't know what came over me."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I returned her smile as I got up, "Now, let us..." I was interrupted as a fierce flash of bright lilac light claimed my vision. When I finally managed to blink out the spots from my eyes a little lilac orb of light bobbed in the air before me.
This is going to take some getting used to.
"My lord, what is that?" Twilight asked, cocking her head to one side.
"A little proof of our partnership." I reply, taking hold of the little orb of light. Sure enough, my hand clasped around a little figurine of Twilight, standing solemn yet determined, gleaming like a million-faceted amethyst. I showed it to her.
"It's cute...." She murmured, eyeing her miniature self, before blushing furiously, "I-I meant that in an entirely non-narcissistic and absolutely un-weird way!"
"Crystal Heart tells me this makes you one of the Marked Crusaders of Darkness." I explained, before I was interrupted by yet another flash of light.
This time another orb, this one flickering with flames as black as midnight with an eerie greenish and purple glow, descended trailing shadowy embers. Sheesh, talk about colour-coding for convenience.
"That's new..." I murmur as it descended straight towards Twilight.
Twilight gulped before slowly reaching out and grasping it. The light died away on cue, leaving behind yet another little figurine.
This time it was a humanoid figure cloaked in flaming black, seemingly roughly hewn out of jet black onyx, its back set against a beautifully carved 8-sided diamond star. It was the splitting 3-dimensional image of Twilight's mark. As for the humanoid figure, it was one of a rather unsightly, hideous, and repulsive-looking creature with muffin-like bed hair that seemed ready to devour entire worlds. As if to top it all off, it was wearing the most ridiculous grin ever, as if regarding the entire universe as one big joke.
"And....I guess that one's yours." I said, scratching my head. I wonder why Crystal Heart didn't get one?
I could have sworn I heard a faint sniffle from somewhere.
I watched as Twilight appraised the little thing, turning it this way and that as if admiring the light gleaming off its prismatic onyx surface. "That's an MLP." I explained.
"Lemme guess!" She said brightly, "My Little Prince?"
"....Close enough. We'll figure out what it does later" I said, realizing I hadn't even asked Crystal Heart what these did other than look pretty....or hideous. That was fast, I muse. I hadn't expected for another provisional contract to form this quickly. Shouldn't new party members join once every arc or something? Then again, I'm in a land of talking rainbow-coloured ponies, why should I expect anything to follow common sense, let alone dramatic convention? Plus Crystal Heart did mention that there were permanent and eternal contracts which were presumably more involved and more difficult to forge. Besides, I was more concerned about the fact that Twilight's MLP had appeared. This meant she was ready to give me her unswerving loyalty. But...based on what? A half-baked determination backed by mere bravado?
'I should have thought this through a little more' I sighed to myself as I looked outside the nearest ceiling-height crystal window. The aurora borealis glowed magnificently against the galaxy that was the night sky outside. "How long was I out?" I ask, quickly remembering how I had fainted like a ninny. Going by dramatic convention I was estimating anything between 3 days to a week or something ridiculous like that.
"About 2 hours, my lord." Twilight said, affixing her little figurine to her mane, presumably for safekeeping.
"I was expecting you to tell me it's been another 1000 years." I said with a little chuckle. "In that case, what has happened since?"
"Nothing much." Twilight said, "It was getting dark so we carried you back in to the safety of this....palace place? Crystal Heart said she'd take care of you so we let her whisk you off."
"Gee, thanks." I mutter.
"The rest of us just settled into that big room we were all in." Twilight went on, "A hoofful went off exploring to look for food and water and stuff. And a few ponies trained in medicine like Redheart began looking out for and putting aside the sick ones for treatment."
"Not much then." I frowned, "I'd say we order pizza, but I don't know who'd deliver 1000 pizzas this far this late. And it's not Friday night either judging by the state of the laundry. We'll need to try and find everyone something to eat, something other than 1000 year old spells. Just how do you feed 1000 ponies anyway?" I imagined 1000 troughs end-to-end, visible from outer space like the Hadrian wall.
"What you need, my lord, is organization." Twilight said, primly, her horn glowing a bright lilac. A quill and parchment floated past me from what I suppose was my writing desk before settling into a sedate orbit around their new star, Sparkle. "And a quill and parchment. And me, but that goes without saying if I may say so."
"We all know what happened last time I tried eating parchment. I got accused of ruining a mare for marriage no more than seconds after. Now, quills and organization, I have yet to try." I turn to Twilight, "As for you, dear Twilight, I have every confidence you would taste absolutely divine."
"Err....thank you?"
I frown. I feel like my jokes are just being passed off as dark overlord peculiarities. This won't do, this won't do at all. I must do something to establish humour, and soon. Gotta get me some bubble wrap, pronto. "Either way, let's start by going down to check on the ponies in the main hall." I said, "I left my coffin parked there for 1000 years. I need to move it before it gets towed. That would be a grave situation." Oh me.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Twilight asked.
"My jeans." I reply, looking around the room.
"Are you evolving? Is it the hair? Will it spread across your whole body like fur in response to the cold? Cause you look kinda bare." Twilight said, eyes suddenly gleaming dangerously with interest as she shuffled a new piece of parchment, ready to take notes.
"....I'm going to pun hell." I mutter, finding my jeans hanging from a crystal chandelier above. "How the flute did my jeans get there?" Somehow I had the image of Crystal Heart tearing my jeans off and just tossing it high over her shoulder. Haha, that couldn't have happened, right? ...Right?
Something shifted uneasily under my bed.
"They seem to have evolved spontaneous flight." Twilight murmured to herself, scribbling, "Is this perhaps specific to dudes, I wonder."
"Maybe. I just can't seem to keep them on." I sigh as I looked around, "Going by trend, this place has 1000 ladders somewhere. I just need to find one."
A little bit of fancy lavender-flavour levitation magic saw me dressed and ready to face the world, or at the very least that bit of it that was royal apartment outside what I suppose was now my bedroom. The apartment bore the same regal decor, all crystal arches of royal violet and crimson, interspersed with tall imposing gilded double-doors on one side and a long, impressive gallery of ceiling-height windows on the other.
A scraping noise brought our attention to one side. There, slowly inching towards us across the lushly carpeted floor, was an immense black kettle fashioned in the shape of a dragon's maw.
"Your chamberpot, Master." Crystal Heart muttered, gruffly, from somewhere behind the immense pot, "This is the largest we have. I fear my efforts to safeguard this place against all manner of diarrhoea including the verbal have come short."
I wonder when she teleported away from under the bed. I certainly hope it was before Twilight broke down.
"Ooooh! Crystal Heart!" Twilight squeed with delight, "I've been wanting to speak to you!"
"..." To my surprise Crystal Heart simply looked away, ignoring Twilight without a word as she turned to face me. "I hope my attempts at toilet humour were acceptable, Master."
"You make me proud, my apprentice." I beam, ruffling her mane once more. I didn't put her down as the sort to seek my approval, but I was more than happy to oblige. She was quicker to show enjoyment this time too, closing her eyes in an expression of subtle bliss.
"I understand you wish to make haste to the grand hall. This way to the elevator." She said, trotting off ahead of us on her dainty little hooves. That was when I thought I caught sight of something mint green and fluffy peering out at me from inside the chamberpot out of the corner of my eye.
"Master, I could understand your fascination with the chamberpot. But I ask you do not ruin them for marriage too, at least not in public." Crystal Heart said, gesturing for me to hurry along. I quickly obliged, the mint green figure quickly dropping from my mind.
"This wasn't here when I climbed up." Twilight remarked as we found the elevator, a red crystal platform hovering amidst a column of pink light that seemed to extend a long way both up and down. "I had to climb all 100 flights of stairs."
"It has only just resumed full functionality." Crystal Heart said as she stepped onto the platform, gesturing for me to follow. "Please mind the gap."
"Oh, were you still gathering power for it?" Twilight asked, curious.
"No. I just felt like keeping it turned off until just now." Crystal Heart replied, curtly, as classy elevator music began playing.
Both of them seemed too busy talking to pay any attention to the fourth figure who had slunk in after us, slipping in just as what looked like a bright pink magical force field closed shut behind her. It was the mint green unicorn who had very helpfully supplied me with the list of things unicorns couldn't do (except get laid, off course). But when I tried to remember her name all my mind turned up was the blank list she gave me. Rather than having to face the awkwardness of telling her I had forgotten her name, I decided to just treat her like any other fellow elevator passenger, with very willful indifference. My pony companions seemed happy to treat her the same way so I decided to just roll with the crowd.
I sway from side to side to the rhythm of the catchy music as I pondered what to talk about. These elevator scenes demanded awkward small talk, preferably those that had no hope of delving into innuendo. I eyed the hovering seemingly holographic magical display floating in the air before me, presumably the elevator controls, for inspiration....oh, the buttons were all in characters I didn't recognize.
Well, duh, they'd be speaking a language that is about as English as escargot. They're an M&M grab-bag of horses in a magical world of crystals and airships. How I'm able to communicate with them was a bit of a mystery, but one I'm ready to take for granted. Now, the characters, presumably numbers....there was something peculiar about them...
Eh, this is as good an awkward topic as any. There was absolutely no hope in macaroons of innuendo either. "Your numerical system functions on base 5?" I asked.
"Oh? Ah, yes." Twilight quickly nodded. "Wait...did you just work that out? Do you read Equine?"
"No. But you only have 5 numbers that repeat themselves every 5 floors before adding more digits." I nod at the buttons. "Four hooves, no fingers, a quinary numerical system makes sense...at least until you attempt advanced calculus on it, at which point it will spontaneously combust very embarrassingly."
"That is....quite impressive." Twilight gave me a look of interest, "Going by your logic, judging by the fact that you have 10 fingers..."
"....which are sexy by the way, yep!" Our elevator companion spoke up for the first time. "Can you imagine what delicious things 10 fingers can do?" Oh g-..me, how did we get there from discussing numerals?
"Hmmm?" Crystal Heart and Twilight both looked around, before finally sharing a glance and shrugging together. I wonder what that was about.
"...anyway, as I was saying, I'm guessing dudes use base 11?" Twilight asked.
"No, 10 actually." I said. "There was a brief point in our history when we tried using base 11. Our mightiest empire of the time collapsed in on itself, another one almost killed itself from miscalculating the date of the apocalypse, and everybody tried to evade taxes with it. So we've stuck with decimals since."
"That makes base 10 really sexy too, yep!" The stowaway quipped, cheerfully.
"....Twilight Sparkle, I was content with the notion that you are but a simple nerd. You have proven me wrong. By the Overlord if you ever bring that onto Master's bed...." Crystal Heart muttered threateningly.
"B-but, th-that wasn't me!" Twilight squeaked, looking around, perplexed. "A-and why w-would I bring a-anything to my lord's bed?"
"Yeah, no need to bring anything. I love you all as you are." I grin, earning myself an 'eeep' from Twilight. "And Crystal Heart, no need to be racist about it. Nerds are allowed to love too." Interesting, if this place functioned on base 5, then 1000 in my ape decimals wouldn't be such a round neat number in their base 5 (No, I'm not enough of a nerd to work out the radix conversion in my head). I wonder why they used such a specific number then. And more interestingly, whatever rainbow-powered voodoo or witchcraft was translating for me seemed to automatically translate between base 5 and base 10 for my convenience. It was definitely food for thought.
I just hope I'd never have to do any real maths here. Decimals were embarrassing enough.
But more pressingly, I had a suspicion that our stowaway was probably invisible to the other two ponies for whatever reason. Curious. I should ask her about that once I remember her name. Till then I'll just leave her be, she didn't seem like she was about to harm anybody. I gave her a sidelong glance and saw that she was grinning from ear to ear. Yeah, correction, except possibly psychologically.
The elevator had moved of its own accord, confirming my notion that Crystal Heart was the heart of every function in this Empire, even the elevator music. Which means I can blame the pink column of light we were zooming through on her too. Why, why pink? Just, why?
"Pink can't stab you in the back." Crystal Heart said, simply.
Dammit. Alright, if that's how you want to play it, Crystal Heart. I immediately put my imagination into high gear, summoning up the most raunchily saucy image of Crystal Heart and Twilight together on my herd-size bed, getting up to all sorts of inappropriate yet pippin' hot tomfoolery. One even involved a muffin and some bubble wrap.
Crystal Heart said nothing. But I couldn't help but smirk as her cheeks slowly but surely turned a furious red. She even gave a little squeak when the bubble wrap came up. Yes, score one for the perv team. The little exercise has proven two things to me, first of all Crystal Heart was indeed mentally stalking me (which, surprisingly, I had very little qualms about. I hide nothing and, if anything, she does so at her own peril now for I had found a new way to troll her whenever I want) and, more importantly, that standards of hotness were more or less the same around here. It made me think of whether such standards were the same across the multiverse. 'Hey, nice, hot, slick carapace and antennae you got there'
Crystal Heart seemed very glad when the elevator finally reached its destination, even if it had taken all of a few seconds. This was evident in how quickly she dashed out, very quickly disappearing into the nearest door at the far end of the grand chamber the elevator opened out onto.
"What does that sign say?" I ask Twilight, pointing at the door.
"Ladder cupboard." Twilight replied, cocking her head in puzzlement.
"Must be preparing in case my jeans fly off by themselves again." I chortled with satisfaction. "Now where are..." My attention was quickly stolen by a very familiar popping sound that triggered Pavlovian reflexes hardwired into my very soul.
Bubble wrap where?!
I turned around and found a pile of what looked like black crystalline packing crates tucked away in a side corridor. There, clambering precariously on one crate, rearhooves scrabbling at the smooth crystalline surface, little forehooves hanging to the edge, was a little lilac blob topped by a puff of bright golden mane. In the little figure's snout was a length of what looked like the stuff of gods and legends, bubble-wrap. There was another telltale pop as she chewed it, looking hopeful. Then, looking the very picture of betrayed hope, she spat it out. Her tummy chose that moment to grumble rather loudly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from what I now recognized to be a little filly.
In her surprise at her own tummy she lost her hold on the container's edge. She scrabbled for purchase but only managed to grab the loose bubble-wrap. With a desperate yelp she slipped and fell.
Two strides and I was under her, hands catching her smartly out of the air, swooping her up into a princess carry. Or a football carry, perhaps. Same thing.
"Meep!" She squeaked. A pair of massive gold-rimmed eyes stared up at me in terror. Little upside down hooves scrabbled helplessly at thin air, chest heaving in panic.
"Bubble wrap is deadly in the wrong ha-...hooves. So is the ground." I said, as soothingly as a giant humanoid evil dark lord thing can manage. "Don't worry though, I'll keep you safe from both." I give her a reassuring wink.
"What is it?" Twilight asked, trotting up to me.
"A fellow appreciator of bubble wrap." I said, showing the filly to Twillight. "You know her?" The filly seemed to calm down a little on seeing Twilight.
"No, unfortunately." Twilight murmured. "Are you alright, little one?"
The filly paused as she considered this, looking between me and Twilight, before finally giving a little nod, calming down considerably. "This is Twilight, a unicorn like you." I said, noting the little horn protruding from the mess of blonde mane on the filly's head. "Me? I'm just a giant walking muffin-top." This earned me a quiet giggle from the little filly. "What's your name, princess?" I asked.
"Umm..." She seemed to consider this for a moment as she looked between me and Twilight once more. "Dinky's name is...Dinky Doo." She ventured uncertainly, raising a hoof, "It's, like, Deeenk-ee, Dooo" She illustrated the pronunciation her name with one long flowing wave of her tiny hoof like a little orchestra conductor. "It's...ummm...." Her tiny brows furrowed as she concentrated, tapping her chin with her hoof thoughtfully, "...like the sound a flower makes when it blooms open, or the sound of the sun as it pops into the sky..." She tapped her hooves together as inspiration struck her, "...or the sound of a pony falling in love and living happily ever after. Deenk-eeee, like that."
If diabetes made a sound, it was the warm fluffy silence that followed. For one magical moment, the world seemed perfect and right, lovely and bright. I think my heart just exploded, I died, and shot straight up to heaven on that high speed pink elevator, cheery elevator music and all.
"Sunny was right about one thing then." A voice said behind me. The familiar form of Crystal Heart, once again as cool and composed as a nuclear warhead, had returned, promising swift vengeance. "Your deepest darkest secrets do make skins crawl." And it struck with the force of a nuclear chamberpot to the face.
I was about to open my mouth to fire back a retort when Dinky did it for me. "Silly filly..." Dinky giggled, "Skin can't crawl. It doesn't have any legs." She pointed out in a singsong voice.
This left Crystal Heart's jaw hanging wide open.
"Umm....but legs have skin, but skin doesn't have legs...." The little filly cocked her head from side to side as she tried to think this through.
"The wisdom is strong with this filly." I said, lifting the little filly up. She gave a little squeak, hooves flailing in the air, before she was plopped neatly on my springy nest of muffin-like bed hair.
"What are you doing, Master?" Crystal Heart managed to pick her jaw off the floor long enough to ask me.
"I have equipped Dinky as my genius thinking cap." I explained, This earned me a muffled little giggle from the filly. "Would you please lend this muffin your hoof, Dinky the wise?" I asked her.
She gave a little giggle before nodding, "Dinky will help keep your hair down, Mr. Muffin." She trilled, helpfully.
"She understands my priorities. With our powers combined, we shall be invincible." I nod, confidently.
"I suppose every overlord needs a 5 year-old adviser to point out the flaws in their master plans." Crystal Heart said. "Especially you, Master."
"Excellent idea, Crystal Heart. This, ladies, is your co-overdudette today. Today, her rule is only second to mine." I said, pointing at the little filly on my head. "And for our empire's first decree, I shall defer to her higher wisdom. Dinky Doo, what will be our Empire's first big order?" I asked her.
Her tummy gave another loud rumble.
"M-My tummy thinks we should eat." She said, peering over the hedge that was my hair uncertainly, "I-if that's alright...?" She whispered, sounding hopeful.
"The wise co-overdudette and her wiser tummy have given our Empire's first decree. Let it be written, let it be done. Let's eat." I sad, with a nod, causing her to flop a little atop my head.
Twilight gave a little giggle as she scribbled on her list, "Find food. Got it, my lady." she smiled.
"Good call, co-overdudette. Give me a hoof." I raise a hand to her. She hesitated, eyeing my hand for a bit, "Don't leave me hanging, Co-overdudette, I'm relying on you for that hoof." I got a little tap of a little hoof on my hand. "The cool is strong with this one." I said, turning to Crystal Heart. "So, shall we hit on the refrigerator?"
"As long as it is only for food." Crystal Heart said, leading the way back to the elevator. "Come along then, lest we wander these halls forever cursed with indecision."
We turned to leave, but before we did I was sure to grab a length of bubble-wrap and secure it in my pocket, mind racing at all the possibilities. For one, I had unfinished business with Sunset Shimmer....
This time one of the black crystalline crates was waiting for us inside the elevator, not looking suspicious in the slightest. None of the others seemed to pay it any heed, even after a little slot on the front slid open, revealing a pair of radiant gold orbs on a background of mint green fur. C'mon, dudettes...
I was starting to wonder if this was some kind of test. Well, if it was then herd logic was safest, do as the ponies do and be blissful in determined ignorance. Stop staring at me with your sparkly googly eyes, box, you're raining on my zen.
As we traveled further and further down, I couldn't help but notice Twilight shift and fidget uneasily. We had traveled down quite a while, by which point I was confident we were underneath grave depth."Sub-basement 20." Crystal Heart's announcement confirmed it. Yet another circular chamber greeted us with many long corridors leading off. They were just as wide and grand but definitely more utilitarian, consisting of dull white and gray crystal paneling with faintly glowing edges providing most of the subdued lighting. "I ask that you don't venture to the sub-basement levels without my guidance until we achieve full functionality of the Crystal Citadel. Certain areas have become unstable in the 1000 years of inactivity, particularly the gem mines and the Enrichment Centre."
The black container followed us quietly on commendably silent tippyhooves as we in turn followed Crystal Heart down another corridor. I paid it no more heed than my companions. Crystal Heart was busy guiding us. Twilight, on the other hand, was still looking on edge, ears drooping low, posture stooped. I knew for a fact that horses placed in restricted spaces become stressed very quickly. I wonder if ponies of this world were in any way similar. If yes then underground construction would be as unorthodox as flying cloud cities. Which begs the question, why does this place have at least 20 sub-basements if it was built by ponies?
"This is the emergency storage silo." Crystal Heart announced on reaching a tall rectangular red panel in the wall that stood out from the rest.
"Silo number 4?" I asked, having learned all 5 Equine numbers from the elevator. "Good to know we have a few."
"Numbers 4 and above contain our emergency supplies. The other 3 contain....other...things." Crystal Heart's voice faltered a little, fidgeting uneasily. Was that her blushing again? She cleared her throat uncomfortably, "I shall have those cleared up post-haste." Her horn glowed a little. In response the panel turned a bright emerald green before sliding open.
A series of lights flooded the darkness within, revealing what looked like neat rectangular high-ceilinged crystalline chamber cut out of a natural rocky chasm. But what was most striking were the gigantic multi-coloured crystal blossoms arrayed all across the room.
Twilight gasped in awe. "I agree. I don't want to see the bees that pollinate these flowers." I mutter, my eyes slowly getting used to the brilliant colours emanating from each blossom. "So, tell me, should I feel peckish in the night and come down to your refrigerator for a midnight snack, should I make my sandwich with a jackhammer or a bulldozer?"
"Neither. These storage units are easy to use." Crystal Heart stepped up to the nearest blossom, a big crimson one, which immediately bloomed majestically. She reached up to its multi-faceted petals. With a touch of a hoof one heart-shaped facet lit up and slid out. She caught the facet in a glow of cyan levitation magic, a brilliant gem in its own right, and lifted it up to me.
I looked down at heart-shaped gem, seeing myself and Dinky cartoonishly reflected on its surface. Behind our reflections a cluster of what looked like big fat apples sat frozen in apparent stasis. I heard Dinky lick her lips hungrily, heck, I could feel her drool on me.
"The whole crystal theme is cute." I said, "What's next? Are we all going to start pooping gems? Especially if we start eating these?"
"As long as you eat your fiber you'll be spared any immediate side-effects." Crystal Heart said reassuringly, tapping the gem thrice with a hoof. It almost instantly dissolved into little flickers of light, leaving three apples in my arms.
"1000 years old never looked this good." I grin, seeing myself reflected in the glossy juicy apple. "So the gems preserve food too?"
"Indeed, Master. They are as good as the day they were frozen." Crystal Heart nodded. "As you may have noticed, that is our Empire's secret, the versatility of our gem magic. Everything from construction, transport, defense to food processing, absolutely everything has a crystalcraft solution."
"Huh, even impotence?" I asked, "This I gotta see." I brushed one of the apples on my sleeve before passing it up to Dinky who immediately latched on with her little hooves. The jumbo apple was almost the size of her head. "Go on, Dinky, dig in."
"C-can D-Dinky really...?" She squeaked in disbelief. "B-but i-isn't t-this yours?"
"Nope, it's yours." I said.
"M-mine...." She whispered, fidgeting a little atop my head, "My....apple...D-Dinky has...D-Dinky's never even....seen one...this close..." I felt a few wet droplets drip onto my head.
"Wh-whoah, hey, watch the waterworks, kiddo." I reached up to pat the little pilly on her back, "What's wrong?"
"I-It's....it's my first....my first mine..." She whispered. I saw her smile through her tears in her reflection on the nearby crystal blossom. "A-and it's...it's the most beautifulest shiniest apple ever..."
Whoaaaaaah now. This filly had never had anything of her own, let alone an apple?! What is wrong with this world?!
"Pears...." Twilight said, peering into a nearby green blossom, "Carrots..." She looked over at a bright orange one, "This is...this is amazing." She breathed, "We would never, ever dared have dreamt...I've only ever seen these in books..."
"Whoah....you're serious, aren't you? All of you?" I asked, tossing Twilight an apple and placing one on top of the black container that was now closely studying a blossom containing ripe bananas. "What...what the macaroons does Who-Snot feed you all?"
"Uhh....dry hay. We consider ourselves lucky when it's not mouldy or bad. That's all we hoofers get to eat." Twilight said, splitting her apple in two with a burst of magic from her horn, "Sometimes there are fresh weeds and grass to eat, and when we're allowed to wander out we try and gather roots, wild fruits, maybe even clovers if we're lucky." She smiled wistfully at some long, distant memory, "Mom used to take me and Sunny out to the hills behind Canterlot to gather fresh alfalfa and dandelions whenever she could get permission. She used to give us all the alfalfa. We used to hate them." She chuckled to herself, "We...didn't understand what a luxury it was." She offered me half her apple.
I accepted it, hesitantly. I eyed the morsel in my hand. Indebted as I was, I would not have given an apple too much of a thought. But here...
"Hey, eat up." I mutter, looking up at the filly atop my head, who was still staring at her apple in disbelief. "I want 'Dinky' to be the sound of a happy filly with a full tummy." I said, looking around at the rows upon rows of food storage blossoms. "You'll have as much as you could ever want, and more." I said. 'And when you grow up, all of this world will be yours for the picking' I silently promised.
"R-really...Dinky....Dinky can eat this one?" Dinky whispered, hesitating to hope.
"Yes." I said as I allowed my mind to sink deep in thought once more. Dinky...what sort of life had she lived?
"Mmmm....i-it's s-shooo g-g-good....t-thank y-y-you...t-thank y-you so muuch..." There was a squeak of pure happiness. I felt a new flood of tears wet my tears. I watched the child's reflection cry tears of bliss as she nibbled her first apple ever very, very carefully, as if afraid she might lose it or, worse, wake up from the dream. No child should have to remember her first apple ever. No child should ever have to cry tears of happiness over it.
Dinky....Oh, holy son of a submariner...If every grownup mare present were virgins then by definition every single filly here have been separated from their mothers and most definitely their fathers. Did some of them have relatives here at least? Come to think of it, Sunset Shimmer brought them here. From what I've heard of her, did she seem the sort to kidn-...I mean filly-nap fillies from their parents?
No.
My heart sank. That leaves one obvious and heartbreaking answer, they're all orphans.
How would I...even begin to ask Dinky? No, more importantly, what do I do about all the fillies?
"Crystal Heart," I called out to my assistant who was busy lowering more blossoms from higher storage racks.
"Yes, Master?" She asked.
"Add this to the list as well, Twilight." I nodded at her.
"Ready, my lord." Quill and parchment flew out at the ready.
"Crystal Heart, Twilight, this will be our first priority once we've secured our supplies." I said, "We need to gather every single pony that qualifies as a filly in the warmest dormitory we have here." My serious tone thankfully precluded any quips from my loyal assistant. "If they have a grownup relative or friend, let them come along. Tell them they will be taken somewhere safe and warm and given food and a place to sleep. I want them reassured and fed well. Hmmm....And within the next day or two I want a list of their names and the names of their parents and close relatives if they know them. We will put them all up on a notice board in case they have relatives amongst the mares." I said. "Did I miss anything?"
"Ah, that was very thorough, your highnessness." A new voice said. We all turned and found a blonde-maned pegasus with a coat the colour of the light dawn sky standing by the door. "I'm sorry, my bad, I kind of eavesdropped." She smiled sheepishly, looking up at me through bright gold eyes. One eye seemed to wander a little, lagging behind the other. I could almost taste the diabetes rise up from my heart and clog up my mind with cotton candy fuzziness. "I'm Ditzy, your highnessness. Ditzy Doo."
"I sensed your approach but not your purpose." Crystal Heart said, "What are you doing here?"
"I came because I was worried your highnessness was being followed by something or other. But it looks like it's kinda gone now." Ditzy said, looking about worriedly.
"How did you find your way here?" Twilight asked.
"I followed a trail." Ditzy replied, proudly, pointing at a trail of what looked like....bubble wrap bits? Left behind like a trail of bread crumbs leading out the door?
"The only elevator activity logged in the past 1000 years was ours followed by you coming down after us." Crystal Heart said. "And I detected no activity in the halls other than ours."
"Including this?" I asked, pointing at the black crate behind us. There, sitting with her rearhooves hanging over the edge of the crate, legs crossed gracefully, wide grin cradled in one hoof, a half-eaten apple in the other, was our master stalker. It was then when her name finally snapped into my mind, "Ms. Lyra Heartstrings." I said, earning myself an even wider grin from her.
"Oh yeah! That's her!" Ditzy said, pointing at Lyra. "You're the one I was following."
"Who...what...how did...." Crystal Heart gasped, losing her cool almost completely for the first time, her eyes widening perceptibly as she lowered herself into a defensive stance. Her cyan wings flared brilliantly, fine feathers bristling angrily. "How did you hide yourself from my crystal-sense?! Who are you?!" She barked, glaring daggers at Lyra. "Why were you following our Emperor?!"
"It's alright, Crystal Heart, I saw her follow us from my room." I said, waving at my loyal assistant to stand down. I don't think I should tell her Lyra was hiding in the chamber pot she herself was pushing. If she was reacting this badly she'd probably never live that down. "She was in the elevator with us. If she really meant us any harm, she would have long since gotten away with it."
"Wait...really?" Twilight blinked. "When did she get in? I never saw her." She strained her eyes on the mint green mare, as if daring her to turn invisible on the spot.
"Fingers are sexy. 10 fingers even more so, yep." Lyra winked at Twilight. "Oh, and it's 'Lyra, just Lyra.', your dudeness." She gave me a little bow.
"I detect no magic from you. What trickery is this?" Crystal Heart demanded, still not letting her guard down around our stalker.
"Oh, nope, nope, no magic." Lyra shrugged, "I'm what everypony calls a 'background pony', the 'blank sheet' if you will, yep. I've always been difficult to notice, unless you're looking out for me or I try really hard to be noticed...or if somepony points me out." She nods at me with a knowing grin. "As for why, I just wanted to learn more about our new Master." She leapt off her crate, apple lifted in her unicorn magic, before she slinked over towards me.
"Stay away from my Master!" Crystal Heart leapt in front of her, wings flared wide, horn glowing threateningly.
"He's mine too." Lyra said, cooly. "What's wrong? Unhappy that something's outside your control for once?"
"How dare you?! I am the administrator of Master's Empire! Everything within must submit to his absolute control!" She growled, her horn taking on a menacing crackle. Lyra seemed to take this as a challenge as she slowly lowered herself into a defensive stance of her own, pawing her hoof at the ground, though thankfully without lighting up her own horn.
"Enough, you two." I said, realizing the atmosphere was heating up faster than a mexican chilli stand on fire. Looks like I'm the appointed firedude for now, at least until I find ponies with a knack for chewing gum and kicking flank. "Crystal Heart, she means no harm. She helped me out personally before." I nod at Crystal Heart who very slowly, very reluctantly lowered her wings and dimmed her horn. She still eyed Lyra cautiously, brilliant mind racing behind her sterling eyes. "And you, Lyra, you could have announced yourself and spared us all this. I think you owe Twilight, Ditzy and Crystal Heart an apology."
"Alright, I'm sorry, Ms. Sparkle, Ms. Doo, Ms. Heart." Lyra said, grin lighting up once more. "I just wanted to demonstrate my talent to you, your dudeness. I'm hoping it'll be useful to you one day, yep." She turned to the still bristling Crystal Heart, "And I really am sorry, Ms. Heart. I'll even prove to you I mean no harm to our master, nope."
She stepped up to me, giving me a long slow gaze. Then, with a deep breath, she gave a sudden low bow, not a curtsy, but a bow, "I have long dreamt of your coming, my master. Allow me reintroduce myself. I am Lyra Hearstrings, and all I wish is to be your ever willing servant."
A brilliant minty flash of light lit up the entire chamber. A very energetic little orb of lime-green light zoomed around my head, trailing flickers of light. Dinky reached a hoof out to paw at it and was greeted by a playful boop on her nose by the orb. It zoomed on, pausing to nuzzle my cheek teasingly with its warmth, before willingly spiralling into my waiting hand. The light dissipated to leave behind a miniature gleaming emerald Lyra, frozen mid-playful-prance.
Huh, that's three now. I might have to have a chat with Crystal Heart about how easy this seemed to be. I honestly felt I should have to work harder at earning these. But then I remembered who it was they were believing in. It was someone, anyone, who wasn't A-Whose-Snot. And perhaps for them that was enough. Or was there more to it than that?
Come to think of it, in Lyra's case, that seemed to be the case. There was almost certainly something else she was after, just like Twilight. Twilight wanted my help to save her world. Now, what could Lyra want...?
I eyed the mint-green mare reaching out for the jet black flaming orb descending towards her. She was quick to pull out the little humanoid figurine, identical to Twilight's, and pull it into a tight embrace in her hooves. However, instead of an 8-sided star, Lyra's was set against what looked like a cute little lyre carved of bright jasper, matching the mark on her flank. Oh hey, there was some actual order to this voodoo.
"So, would you like to call the jury, or should I?" I said aside to Crystal Heart. "Might run out of parking space with the amount we'd need. The MLP is kind of hard evidence, isn't it?"
"Hmph..." She shook her head, "I would exercise caution around her, Master. She may be absolutely loyal, but even in loyalty there is still danger of a different sort."
"You worry for me too much." I smile, patting her comfortingly.
"Because you don't worry enough, Master." She huffed.
"My very own Em-El-Pee is proof enough, right?" Lyra asked, waving Crystal Heart her MLP. Looks like she had been stalking us for longer than I knew.
"If you know what that is then you have been spying on us for much too long." Crystal Heart muttered, voicing my thoughts, "But yes, you have proven your loyalty to our Master, I will grant you that. I advise you exercise more discretion, however. Under the previous Emperor you would be on your way to the gallows now."
"Thank you, Ms. Heart. You're kind, yep." She grinned widely once more. "And I'm sorry for worrying you, Ditzy." She said, a lot more earnestly, to the dawn-blue pegasus.
"Oh, no, it was nothing at all." Ditzy said, graciously, rubbing one forehoof on another. "I just wanted to help, that's all."
"Thank you, Ditzy, for worrying about us." I said, feeling it had to be said. An idea came to me. "You seem to be interested in my plans for the fillies. Would you like to take charge of that?"
"Oh, really? I...I can help?" Ditzy's eyes lit up brightly.
"Yeah. What do you think, Co-Overdudette?" I asked looking up at Dinky.
Dinky quickly swallowed her morsel of apple before patting her chin with a hoof thoughtfully. "Ummm....Ms. Ditzy's really brave, she came down to keep us all safe from the box. And that box really is very very bad." She said, shivering a little as she remembered her last encounter with the crate. "And she can see what everypony else can't. She's a good filly."
"Couldn't have put it better, Co-overdudette." I said, "How about it, Ditzy?"
"Y-yes! Please, I mean, Y-your highness!" Ditzy's wings fluttered, presumably a sign of excitement. Hmmm, flaring means anger, fluttering means excitement? This demands further study. I filed this away under 'Very Important' and 'Need Test Subjects'.
I nod over at Twilight who immediately began scribbling. "Ditzy's on filly duty, got it." She nodded. "I will help gather their names and details and organize the bulletin board." She offered.
"I will help her with finding them all and organizing their place to stay." Crystal Heart said. "Master considers the fillies very important. As such they are of greatest importance to me too."
"And I'll keep them all well fed and happy." Lyra offered, chomping down her apple core. "Nopony, much less fillies, should ever have to go hungry, nope!"
"Well done, you four." I nod at them all. "No child should ever have to be alone." Never again.
To be continued in Part 2, mainly cause Part 1 was dragging on quite a bit.
The God Emperor of Ponykind and The Bubble-Wrap Dance - Part 2
"250 units of carrots, turnips, apples, peaches, oranges and turnips for tonight." Twilight said, ticking her checklist while ducking out of the way as a long stream of fruit gems caught in a bright cyan glow zoomed past her head.
"Enough fibre to move the hearts and bowels of an entire army. Better make sure we've got the chamberpots to match too." I nod with approval. My co-overdudette pawed at the occasional passing gem as the two of us oversaw the loading of the carts and the rather nervous volunteers slowly arriving to carry our precious cargo back to the hungry tummies waiting on the surface. To be honest, I was about as useful (and quiet) as a chocolate nuclear reactor, more a moving target for the floating gems than anything. Twilight had taken over the logistics, Ditzy was busy picking out food suitable for the fillies, and Crystal Heart was being Crystal Heart. Lyra, meanwhile....did she go invisible again?
"Tomorrow we can have that and 250 units of onions, cauliflowers, radishes and asparagus so we can attempt cooking hot meals for everypony, and we can get 1000 units of hay and sacking to sleep on..." Twilight mused, scribbling, stopping in her steps to allow a train of vegetable gems to fly past.
"I had you pinned for a lot of things, Twilight Sparkle. A pessimist wasn't one of them. It's a little premature for a burial though, wouldn't you think?" Crystal Heart said, horn glowing bright as she orchestrated the galaxy of brightly glowing food storage gems zooming, orbiting and hovering about the room. "I suggest we sleep in actual beds rather than graves tonight, if it's all the same with you."
"B-b-beds...?!" Twilight's and Ditzy's eyes grew wide. "F-for each of us?"
"The Crystal Citadel can comfortably accommodate up to 5.000 ponies in peace time. Emergency shelters and underground bunkers expand that capacity up to 50.000. The city outside is in disrepair but it used to house up to 100.000 citizens." Crystal Heart said.
"So 105.000 citizens just upped and walked out on this gig?" I asked. "Jeez, my predecessor must have had a really shite sense of humour."
"There's no hay to sleep on?" Dinky asked, peering down at me, confused, "What do Muffins sleep on?"
"Muffins sleep on all the big meanies and monsters and keep them down all night so they won't bother you. And you, co-overdudette Dinky, will sleep on the big princess bed tonight. It's not made of hay, it's made of really soft stars and dreams." I said, peering up at Dinky with a smile.
"R-really?" Dinky squeaked, "Just tonight...?"
"Every single night from now on, Dinky." I said, earning myself an excited gasp from the little filly.
"Ooh, Dinky hopes there's enough space on the bed for everypony. Dinky's sure everypony would love to sleep on it..." Dinky said, excitedly. That such a deprived child who hadn't even seen an apple till that day was so quick to think of others, so ready to share what little she had for the first time in her life, I couldn't help but sigh in wonderment. Miracles truly do happen. I contemplated telling her that everyone would have their own beds. But she was excited enough as it is, any more and she might develop spontaneous flight.
Hay? For beds? Really? A-Whose-snot, your shit list just grew longer. It now includes a dirt nap under the biggest Mexican lavatory I could find every Sunday night. "Crystal Heart, please warm up enough rooms to accommodate all 1000 ponies." I said. "And arrange for hot water to be available for washing. I assume we have running water and showers?" The technological level of the Crystal Empire, while exotic and powered by love, glitter and rainbows, was enough to make nuclear submarines look like copper kettles. I had begun to assume the best for most things.
"We are the Crystal Empire, Master, not a rest stop in outer Gryphonia." Crystal Heart muttered. Seeing the blank look on my face she added, "That's a yes. And baths. We even have a spa here in the Citadel and a few out in the city. We are....used to be known for our crystal mud baths." She said with a hint of pride. "That's something like a bath, but better." She translated for me, seeing my persistent blank look.
Note to self, avoid rest stops in outer Gryphonia, wherever that is.
"No, no, I didn't mean that. I was just thinking...this place is quite lush, isn't it?" I said.
"It was for the nobility and the Emperor, yes." Did I hear a sad note in Crystal Heart's voice? She quickly added, "Twilight Sparkle, if you could add 1000 units of soap, towels and flea and lice powder to the list? And arrange for everypony to take a wash and a delicing at the earliest opportunity. It would save us decontaminating the entire Crystal Citadel later."
"Got it. The fleas won't know what hit'em." Twilight said, scribbling.
"1000 year old flea powder. That's what. It was probably made to combat dinosaurs or elder gods or something." I said.
"The Ixodiasjaculator powder was originally designed as a gemcraft solution to impotence, actually." Crystal Heart said, perhaps intended as a casual remark. Noticing the awkward stares she garnered instead, she quickly added, "Not that it was ever a problem, it was an exercise in science." She cleared her throat, "The Enrichment Center researchers found that it was a success. All test subjects developed a propensity to single-mindedly mate themselves to death."
"....and....this makes good flea powder...how?" I voiced the question that weighed heavily upon our souls.
"Scaled to a micro-harmonic level, the nano-powder form's surface area makes it instantly metabolized and excreted following zero order pharmacokinetics by anything bigger than an insect." Crystal Heart explained.
"I'd offer you laxatives again, but now I'm worried about what the laxatives here might be made out of." I said. "Rocket fuel, probably."
Crystal Heart rolled her eyes impatiently, "That means if, Overlord forbid, you were to ingest it in any quantity, Master, even the likes of you would at most experience a very brief but intense urge to copulate like the passionate wild beast you are with the nearest moving object." Her cheeks might have tinted at this, or it may just be the glow of the crystals around us. "On insects, however, it causes them to emulate your demonic lust ad mortem."
"Well....they live happily ever after, right? Briefly, but I'm sure it's a happy ending?" Ditzy said, hesitantly, fidgeting a little.
"Death by shag." I nod, "So while it's working, you will have an entire colony of fleas humping themselves to death on you." As horrific as it sounds, for a few glorious but simultaneously nauseating moments, I considered the powder's potential as a weapon of mass destruction. Here, Felis scum, have some LOVE AND TOLERANCE! Or....maybe not. Some things not even the Felis deserve.
Yeah, they deserve a much less happier ending.
"Can we please somehow pretend this conversation never happened, please?" Twilight suggested, wincing, "I am not sure how I'd even begin to explain this to the others."
"Diagrams, maybe." I said, offhandedly, "You know what, don't. Let's just take it with us to our graves. The secret, I mean, not the powder. By me, no, not the powder. I don't want the bugs and shit dancing and shagging on my grave." I said, turning to Crystal Heart, "That said, we have enough of that stuff and everything else for all the ponies?"
"We have enough food and medical supplies to sustain all 998 ponies Sunset Shimmer brought with her." Crystal Heart said. "We will have a shortage of linen for the beds as well as toiletries, however."
"1000 years of laundry back-log, huh?" I said. "Hard to believe it's possible in a nudist commune." I suppose sunshine and glitter magic can't make supplies appear out of thin air. Otherwise, heck, why have slaves at all?
The maths bit of my brain finally caught up with the conversation after lagging behind while playing with the bottles of beer song in base 5, just for fun. "Wait....998?" I blinked.
"Yes? Is something wrong, Master?"
"...nothing. You were saying?" I asked, inviting Crystal Heart to carry on. I was about to ask if they had somehow managed to drop 2 ponies along the way somewhere, but then the more obvious answer struck me. I couldn't help but smirk. Both Sunset Shimmer and Crystal Heart counted themselves amongst the 1000. Interesting. I wonder if they even realized what they had done?
"Eyeeeeeeep! I-I got this! I got this! Oh, wait, no, too much wall! Too much wall!" A resounding crash brought our attention over to a corner of the storage area. "O-okay, I don't got this! B-but I-I'm alright, everything's fine, yep! Don't got this but it's okay! Still alive and stuff!" Lyra's voice sailed up to greet us as we went over for a look. In my infinite experience 'I'm alright, everything's fine!' tends to precede time in the corner, or, worse, on the sofa. Following her voice we found a little trail of smooth and slippery mint-green crystalline material leading in a drunken trail all the way up to the upside down heap lying in a dent in the wall that was Lyra.
"Whoah hey look I'm going really faaaast!" Ditzy cried, wings fluttering excitedly as she spun past, sliding along the trail of crystal, right into...
"Wha...n-no! Wait!" Lyra squeaked. Too late. She got to experience the third law of cute, that is when cute exerts cute upon a second cute, the second cute exerts an equal and opposite cute.
We all winced as Ditzy and Lyra collided in a painful yet rather cute-looking tangle of pony limbs. Hmm, is this my inner sadomaso-cutist awakening? I decide to distract myself by exercising my masochistic side in asking Crystal Heart for another of her constipation-inducing explanations, "What's that?"
Crystal Heart pointed a hoof at the four rather steampony-ish gem-encrusted hoof-shaped gauntlets strapped about Lyra's now upside-down hooves. She then gestured at the many shelves lining one wall holding many similar gauntlets along with many suppository-sized cylindrical objects with crystal tips of all the colours of the rainbow. I couldn't help but notice her eyebrows twitch at the sight of four empty slots on the wall, presumably where Lyra's new toys had resided for the past 1000 years
"Let me guess, suppository launchers?" I asked, pointing at the rainbow-coloured cylinders. "Going by the trend, those probably started development as anti-air guns?"
"The worrying part is I sense you were serious in your supposition." Crystal Heart shook her head in despair at me, "No, these are FIMs."
"Now, what did I say about acronyms? Do you want me to start imagining myself using one of these on you?" I raise an eyebrow. "What does that stand for, Fractals Is Magic?"
"Free-D Interspatial Manipulators." She explained, and before I could rename them, she went on quickly, "They are hoofheld devices that allow us most forms of gemcraft magic." She picked one up and slid a hoof through it. It spun and tightened before clicking securely about her hoof, letting out a funky little hiss as the gems studding its side glowed a bright cyan. "Anypony can use them as long as they've got the gem rounds." She picked out one of the bullet-shaped things, this one a light green, before slotting it into an open chamber in the gauntlet. With a smart hiss the chamber spun around the gauntlet, sliding the round into the device. She aimed it at the half-apple in my hand. "Throw it." She said, pointing the gauntlet-bound hoof at me.
I obeyed, if only because I had a feeling Crystal Heart would have actually shot me otherwise. A moment later Crystal Heart shot the apple out of the air with a blast of cyan light from the gauntlet. Crystalline spikes erupted out of the impact, wrapping the apple up in the very same storage shard that had kept it preserved for the past 1000 years.
"So this is how you preserve the food?" Twilight asked, picking up the preserved apple with her levitation magic and eyeing it closely.
"And launch your suppositories." I said, picking out a black bullet and eyeing it appraisingly. It had an equine skull and crossbones mark on it. Huh, how very metal.
"That one's the antidote to the flea powder, Master. The lab rats called it the 'bone-killer' round." Crystal Heart said. "I would handle that with care if I were you, especially you."
"Oh....kay..." I put it down, very, very carefully. Right, not so metal, not at all. I still picked out four FIMs for myself, resolving to try them on for size later. But I stayed well away from the black rounds.
"We use these for more than just preserving food. Everything from constructing our buildings to mining to surgery." Crystal Heart said.
"Wheeeee!" Lyra skated past on a little path of crystal she sprayed ahead of herself with the FIMs.
"Whohooo!" Ditzy spun past on her haunches after Lyra.
"Everything." I nod, eyeing the two zoom past once more.
"Unfortunately." Crystal Heart muttered, following my gaze.
"Somebody was very very hungry, hungrier than Dinky's tummy." Dinky suddenly said, pointing a hoof down at a nearby storage flower, one holding what looked like marshmallows of all things. A number of its storage gems sat on the ground, a few of which bore...
"Are those...bite marks?" Twilight cautiously approached, lifting the nearest gem with her magic. It was chunked in half by what looked like Jaws junior's lipstick marks. "These aren't....the dentition marks of a vegetarian." She murmured, lowering the gem as she looked around, ears suddenly perking up apprehensively.
Darn it, I'm in the wrong dimension for my 'humanitarian' joke. Probably the wrong time too, to be honest. "Something was hungry enough to bite through crystal." I said, "And whatever it was might still be in here. With us." The already dim room seemed to grow darker as every shadow in the room loomed over us menacingly in the light of this thought. Everyone slowly but surely huddled together like the herd of cowardly herbivores we were. I gave Derpy and Lyra a sidelong glance, "You two, take all the food and all the volunteers and start moving everything upstairs."
"B-But, w-what about all of you?" Ditzy asked, backing into me slowly.
"You realize 'food' includes all of you at the moment?" Lyra said, smiling grimly as she stepped up, horn glowing, all 4 FIMs chambering new rounds with ominous clicks. We all felt a chill run down our spines at this.
"Imperial crystal is harder than steel. There is only one race on Equus that can bite clean through them." Crystal Heart muttered. "Dragons..."
"In here?" Twilight peered up at the ceiling as if expecting a dinosaur to fall out of the shadows.
"There are dragons in this world?" I asked, before mentally slapping myself. I have just been made emperor of a love-powered empire of talking pastel-coloured ponies. Dragons should be as outlandish as a house fly in comparison.
I can only hope they were as harmless. Hey, going by trend, they're probably rainbow-flavoured dragons that burp glitter and pink at people.
"They are one of this Empire's greatest threats." Crystal Heart nodded. "Second only to impotence."
"Which was never a problem, off course." I roll my eyes, "I love how this empire has its priorities straight." I was starting to get an idea of why 105.000 citizens just upped and left.
"I see. Dragons eat gems." Twilight said, lighting up her horn defensively as she peered about the gloom. "And this entire empire is made of gems."
"It's like the gingerbread house, but for dragons." I said, "And we're so in the oven."
"Their hides are too magic-resistant for feeble spells like scanning magic. I can't sense dragons unless they are within a few steps of me." Crystal Heart said, her horn joining in lighting up the space.
"So when they're about to eat you." I sum up. "This place has been sealed for 1000 years so it's a 1000 year old dragon?"
"It can't be. A 1000 year old dragon would be the size of Cloudsdale!" Twilight said, voice shaking. We were all huddled together by the exit at this point, with a few slightly braver volunteers outside trying to rubberneck over our backs.
"A baby dragon then, judging by the size of the bite marks." Crystal Heart said.
"A....baby dragon? No...it couldn't be..." Twilight murmured to herself.
"How'd it get in here then? This place is so deep underground it makes Tartarus look sunny, yep." Lyra pointed out.
Dinky patted me on my forehead with a hoof before pointing out a....seriously? We have those here?
"Ventilation ducts?" I asked, pointing at a hexagonal hole in a nearby wall and the hexagonal crystal grill covering it. It even bore the same baby godzilla toothache tantrum signature and spewed steam from a frayed gas pipe, all nice and theatrical. "Really? Do you all want to know how I as Overdude feel about ventilation ducts? Heck, how my Overdudette feels?"
"You would feel otherwise if you've ever had the misfortune to be stuck in a sealed underground chamber in the presence of a pony afflicted by the most flagrant case of flatulence I had ever had to suffer my entire life, and I have lived a long, long time. Unfortunately." Crystal Heart said. "I shall seal off this chamber for now and all lift services to the sub-basement levels after we leave."
"The air vents?" I asked.
"I have no means of securing them other than personally traversing all 90000 hooves of our ventilation network." Crystal Heart sighed, "The gemcraft grills were supposed to keep them sealed against even the strongest sub-apocalyptic magic. We...have never counted on a dragon getting this far in or being small enough to crawl through the vents." She seemed to look downcast at this as we finally backed out of the room and allowed her to seal the door. The door panel turned from green to red behind us. "I....I will start tonight." She murmured.
"Start what?" I blink, "Oooh, no, missy." I place a hand on her mane and give it a comforting ruffle as I peer down at her, "You're not traipsing about dark and dusty air vents, not when I need a bed warmer."
"W-wha....M-Master?!" Crystal Heart suddenly squeaked, her cerulean cheeks mimicking the door panel and glowing a deep red.
"I'm sure there's a bed somewhere that needs warming." I add with a teasing grin, inviting a round of chuckles and grins from those gathered. Crystal Heart only burned an even more furious crimson. "Now, let's get a move on. Baby dragon or no, I don't want any of you staying down here too long. Sealing the area will do for now. I'm sure we can work out an easier and safer solution later, especially after a good meal and a good night's sleep." I said, noticing that the volunteers and Twilight, even the indomitable Lyra and the seemingly unconcerned Ditzy, were all slowly becoming more and more tense at being stuck somewhere around the Cambrian layer with their fossilized ancestors.
They were all more than happy to agree as we turned to leave. I spotted Twilight give the door one last glance, before shaking her head. Hmm, I wonder if being underground was really starting to get to her? With time, our little party made our way towards the freight elevators where a few volunteers with empty carts had just returned for a resupply. They seemed quite relieved to hear we've called off any further resource gathering for the time being.
I could almost see the weight lift off their poor little shoulders as we ascended on the massive crystalline freight elevator (Built to lift the smaller airships, apparently. If this is the size of a 'smaller' crystal empire airship, I fear to imagine the bigger ones.). For a moment I couldn't help but wonder if it was the classy elevator music . I had considered making another attempt at innuendo-free elevator small talk, but with the combined presence of Lyra and Crystal Heart and an entire audience of impressionable ponies, not to mention an underaged filly on my head, I decided not to tempt Murphy's law. Or was it rule 34? Around here, probably both.
My elevator companions almost exploded with sighs of relief as they all spilled out on arriving in the large ground floor loading-bay-style chamber. "U-umm, T-Twilight?" A rather subdued voice whispered with a hint of urgency as a little blob of butter yellowness tried to weave itself through the throng of ponies leaving the elevator. "Umm...I-I have something very, very important to tell you...if that's alright, I mean."
The familiar form of the rather overly-kind pegasus with the long, flowing sunset-pink mane finally squeezed itself in between two vegetable carts, sending itself flailing and belly-flopping on the floor. "...ouch..." She whispered, tearfully.
She's a pegasus. Why didn't she just fly over the crowd? The ceilings are all so high and wide in this place four pegasi could probably fly through the corridors side by side comfortably.
Come to think of it I haven't seen that many pegasi fly other than the few who whipped up my thunderstorm earlier on. Maybe it's because we're indoors?
....
....A-Whose-Shat wouldn't, would he? I mean, I was already running out of space on his shit list as it was. He wouldn't do that to the pegasi, would he? Would he? Nah, no being in the universe can be that cruel. I laugh it off inwardly as me being overly paranoid.
"Are you alright?" I asked the little pegasus. This earned me an 'eeep' and a dash so fast she was probably breaking the kindness barrier, leaving behind a little pegasus-shaped puff of smoke in its wake. I peered around and found her cowering underneath Twilight's legs. "Uuuh...it's alright, I'm not here anymore, see? There's just your kind and benevolent Overdudette." I said, picking up Dinky off my head and equipping her as a stealth shield instead, holding her out, eliciting a few giggles of amusement from the little filly.
"Oh...umm....I'm...I'm sorry..." She murmured, becoming one of the first herbivores in recorded history to apologize for being afraid of a likely predator. "I-it's just....you're so...big and...your hair's so...wild...and....dark...and...umm...big."
"And bouncy too. Like a muffin." Dinky giggled, helpfully.
"But, Fluttershy, you're not even afraid of Manticores, which are arguably bigger and harrier." Twilight pointed out. Err, that implies I'm actually hairy, Twilight, thanks.
"In more ways than one, yep." Lyra giggled. "Oh, I was talking about you, your dudeness." Lyra patted me.
"....err...okay, thanks?" I blink. Crystal Heart chose that moment to offer a hoof to Lyra who she graciously high-fived....or is it high-hoofed? Wait, what did I miss?
"Ah...um.....but manticores are cute...and...umm....not ugly and hideous..." Fluttershy murmured, looking down at her twiddled hooves. There it was again, the kindest buldozer ever flying at my heart at the speed of kind. Dinky had to pat me comfortingly to prevent me from seizing up there and then.
"Anyway, what is it?" Twilight asked, "The important thing."
"Oh...oooh, yes, Twilight, you need to hurry! There's a big fight in the grand hall!" Fluttershy cried, "Everypony has turned mean on everypony else and it just won't settle no matter what anypony does...oh dear, oh dear, what do we do?"
I've never heard so many pronouns turned so pink and cute in one sentence, ever. It was like a ponynoun pride parade. I had long since picked up on the odd nuance of equine speech, using 'ponies' instead of 'people'. Perhaps it was a reflection of herd culture, especially an oppressed one, as a way of differentiating themselves from the dangerous non-ponies? I had not bothered adopting it just yet, mainly because it hasn't caused any problems so far and also because I don't think all the Old Spice in the world will help me wash out all the pink.
But I digress. The point is, Old Spice is manly.
I looked up to notice most eyes were on me. "What?" I asked, looking around, "Is it my hair again? Dinky, I think I need you back on my head. I think my hair is sticking out again..." I said, plopping the giggling filly back on my unruly hair. She dutifully began turning in place, flattening my hair with her little hooves, before nesting comfortably in the tiny furrow she made for herself.
"Fluttershy said there's an argument boiling in the grand hall." Twilight said, "I think we're going to need you."
"Girl, all the girls always need me." I said with a grin, "They don't make doormats this sexy no more. Now, let's send this doormat to the stampede, shall we?" I said, "Lyra, can you please get the food cart teams ready? I want you to follow in on my signal."
"Yep, gotcha your dudeness." Lyra said, throwing off a salute.
"The rest of you, walk with me." I said, motioning at Crystal Heart, Twilight and Ditzy.
We quickly made our way through the crystal-gilded corridors, making a beeline straight for the grand hall. When we arrived there was already a crowd of ponies backed into the entrance, as if trying to stay as far away from the centre of the hall as possible. Those who noticed us arrive were quick to back away even further, eyeing us...well, me, fearfully.
What happened to them cheering me on earlier?
"....and ah ain't worshippin nopony!" A loud voice sailed up from within the chamber. It was a calculated voice, one still under control, but was quite obviously rapidly loosing its cool. "All ah'm sayin' is all yer gonna find out there beyond an icy death is a foalish one! If ya want to go tumble with timberwolves that's yer choice but don't drag nopony with ya!" A familiar stetson hat bobbed in the distance as its owner finished saying her part with a final stomp of a hoof for emphasis. The familiar sunset orange form of Applejack stood alone in the centre of the wide circle of frightened ponies opposite a large gathering of slightly more fierce-looking ponies, mostly unicorns at its centre from the looks of it.
"'And the lord Ahuizotl sayeth, my kingdom doth lie beyond a mountain of fire and a sea of death," The tall, imperious-looking pure white unicorn mare sporting a silverish pink mane at the front of the opposing group said, calmly. Wait...is it really a unicorn? Her horn didn't look quite complete. "...but mine is the fruit of truth and justice sweeter than any spore of the earth.'." My eyes wandered down to her mark, it was 3 florets reminiscent of the Fleur De Lys. "If you and your blasphemers wish to turn your backs on our Lord Ahuizotl then it's your own immortal soul to condemn to Tartarus."
I recognized her. She was the one who spoke out against Sunset Shimmer when she was glorifying the pony race earlier. Looks like we have ourselves a literal diehard believer.
"That's Fleur Dis Lee." Twilight said, following my gaze, "She was Lord Blueblood's fiance." Noticing the blank look on my face Twilight was quick to explain, "Lord Blueblood is the administrator and chief inquisitor of Canterlot, the ancient capital of the old diarchy, and right hand pony of the Felis General, Fireclaw. He's a devout follower of the church of Ahuizotl, which is part of the reason he earned himself such a high position despite being a hoofer."
"Let me guess." I said, "She's an Ass-Shot devotee." Finding one amongst these so-called 'marked abominations unto An-Ass-Shot' was unexpected but not impossible.
"I heard she wasn't always one." Twilight said, "But she really loved Blueblood. I heard her mark appeared at her wedding, just as she kissed her groom." Twilight shook her head, "The poor girl."
"Jeez...." I mutter.
"I for one agree with Applejack." The equine equivalent of elegance on legs stepped out into the circle to back up Applejack. Rarity threw back her well-kept purple mane over her shoulder as she came to a stop facing the pure white unicorn. "The simple fact of the matter, darling, is that we are all marked. Returning now means at best life on the run once more, at worst a very very long bad hair day. Being allowed the traitor's walk and the execution block would be a mercy in comparison. I agree with you that it is your choice to return as much as it is our choice to remain." She leaned forwards, eyes suddenly glaring diamond-edged, "But you will not coerce, intimidate or harm anypony into joining you, not on my watch, dearie, so help me Ahu....so help me!" She slammed a hoof down threateningly.
"Look at yourself, Rarity! What would the bishop say if he saw you now?!" The white unicorn began, stomping her hoof in kind, temper suddenly flaring. "Fine, if you wish to throw aside all that Lord Ahuizotl has generously given you! It is my right to try and save as many innocent souls as I could before..." before she was rather rudely interrupted by the sound of a....
....was that the sound of an electric guitar solo?
I looked around and caught sight of Lyra hiding something behind her back as she raised her voice, "My fellow ponies? Our Overdude would like to say a word." She gave me a wink.
Huh, thanks, Lyra. Jeez, what am I supposed to say? This just can't get any more awkward without me putting my hand in....oh, hey, what's this my hand has in my pocket?
Okay, I stand corrected, it can get more awkward. The right kind of awkward too.
The silence was broken by a resounding 'pop'. The simple, unassuming sound echoed about the grand hall ominously like the ghost of some restless condom wrapper.
...Pop....
There were a few gasps, even a whimper or two, from the audience, particularly the unicorns.
...Pop.....
A few of the unicorns began to shift uneasily, some even fidgeting uncomfortably.
....Pop....
Even the unicorns standing against Applejack and Rarity had brought their rearhooves close together, shifting them about uneasily.
....Pop....
Pegasi and earth ponies alike had joined in alternating between holding their breaths and hyperventilating, biting their lips, a few even scraping their hooves longingly.
....Pop....
"M-Master, what the buck are you doing to my horn?" Crystal Heart finally hissed.
"The dance of my people." I reply, simply, popping another bubble-wrap on her horn. "It is sacred, so shush."
"It is sacrilege." She snapped at me. Still, despite her protests, she shivered with a little sigh as I popped another bubble on her now gently glowing horn.
I looked up at the crowd, pretending to notice them for the first time. Almost 1000 pairs of eyes were staring at me with mixtures of disbelief, outrage, and, dare I say, mad yearning? I honestly did not expect the latter, but I simply applied my tried-and-tested approach to all such matters. I rolled with it. I raised the bubblewrap a little, eliciting a collective quiet gasp from the crowd. I felt all eyes follow its descent, breaths held in unison. Then I stopped just an inch away from the horn. I lift it away, causing a susurration of moans and whimpers to run through the crowd. Then I lower it again, earning me another shared breath holding of anticipation. I stopped again. A few more whimpers and squeaks filled the air. I even heard the sound of one or two ponies in the back fall over. Raise, gasp. Lower, breath hold. Raise, moan and whimper. Lower, breath hold.
I'm good. And that's bad.
I looked down and found Crystal Heart was trying to crane her neck ever so subtly towards the bubble wrap, eyes shut tight as if both dreading and craving the sacrilege.
Then I folded the bubblewrap gently, earning myself a wave of moans and whimpers as I caressed every fold and smoothed every crease. I looked up from my careful labours to aim a glance at my audience. A few soft sighs, even a few swoons, greeted me. Then, in one slow but smooth and deliberate motion, I slipped it deep inside my waiting pocket.
A wave of suppressed gasps and muffled cries filled the room. A few poor ponies even collapsed onto their already quivering knees.
Oh me, I'm so good at crushing the mood. Then rebuilding the flaming ashes in my own glorious image.
I paused to look around at my companions. Poor Lyra had passed out in a little puddle of what I hope was just drool. Ditzy, unsurprisingly, only looked very, very amused, wings fluttering in merriment. Twilight, however, was staring at me, wide eyes twitching madly, mane so frazzled it was looking almost as good as mine...I mean my hair. Fluttershy had found a black crate to hide under, judging by how much it was vibrating against the floor in fear. Good, looks like I had their unanimous approval.
Emboldened by the support of my loyal companions, I put on my stage cap as I raised my hands along with my voice, "Now that I have your entirely undivided attention, once again, ponies," I bellowed, "I welcome you all as victors. This day and all the days that follow are yours by right, for you have won them from the ha-...hooves of persecution and death by your hooves and your hooves alone!" I raise a hand to Lyra....who is, me dammit, knocked out. Twilight, however, frazzled as she was, recovered quickly enough to pick up the slack, summoning up the cargo cart crew. "Tonight, ladies, you shall all partake in the fruits of your brave labours, you shall all bask in the peace and security you've all courageously earned yourself. Tonight, we dine in glory, feast in victory, and celebrate your freedom!"
Crystal Heart didn't miss a beat. As the food cards entered she lowered six large food storage flowers from the ceiling. They spun theatrically as they bloomed in midair, glowing bright in their slow descent towards the crowd. Ooohs and Aaaahs greeted the crystal flowers, eyes widened at the sight of their mouthwatering contents.
Meanwhile my volunteer pillow and blanket crew had begun carting their cargo around the grand hall, distributing pillows and blankets for everyone to get comfortable on. Meanwhile, the storage blossoms showered the room with food crystals spiraling down like big fat snowflakes while more food magically flew off the carts like a flock of tropical birds filling the air, hungry eyes following in their wake. They quickly made their way into waiting, eager hooves.
I glanced about. The ponies stared in disbelief at the beautiful jumbo apples in their hooves, the soft fluffy pillows in their laps, all eyes glancing between me and their newfound luxuries anxiously, some questioning their sanity, some more suspiciously querying what price this demon would demand for such temptations.
Just as I was doing some quick thinking on how best to theatrically address that, a crunch of a little mouth taking a big bite out of a firm apple echoed about the room. All eyes flew up to the little form sitting comfortably on my hair, hugging the biggest rosiest apple ever. "Its good!" The Co-overdudette vouched.
"My Co-Overdudette has tasted!" I announced, "And she saw that it is good!"
That seemed to sell it almost immediately, with hunger dissolving what little hesitation remained. Hungry maws dug in to the waiting feast. A tidal wave of happy moans and sighs of delight filled the room, as if echoing Dinky's earlier burst of happiness at tasting her first apple. "Did I hear somepony say feast?! Cause, that's like, just another fancy shmansy word for 'party'! And I can do both fancy shmansy pansy and parties. At. The. Same. Time!" There was an explosive burst of confetti and, seriously, where are these party balloons coming from?
I walked amongst the suddenly jubilant masses as I made my way towards my newly constructed throne made of a mountain of pink fluffy pillows, courtesy of a now revived and very excited Lyra. I'm not entirely sure how she managed to turn my coffin into the frilliest pinkest demonic overlord throne ever, but I wasn't about to question her eagerness. Heck, for her efforts, this god emperor of ponykind will make pink so Armageddon-riding badass it will make black look like a sissy emo goth still living in his momma's crayon box. Chuck Norris himself will plead me for permission to dye his beard pink.
Plus, pink can't stab you in the back.
I gave Lyra a ruffle of her mane in gratitude which she seemed to thoroughly enjoy as I sat down upon the newly glorified mass of pink. And yes, it was sink-into-heaven cozy and warm. And the true nature of my throne very quickly revealed itself to me as Lyra leapt up onto the mass of fluffy cushions that made the left arm rest and settled there, giving me a conspiratorial wink. I see her vision. One day, this shall be a throne that unites all ponykind, symbolized by all the ponies gathered about it.
Well, either that or it was some sort of raunchy harem throne for the sleezy overlord and his gathered mares lounging all around him, but I have faith in Lyra. I have faith, dammit.
I lifted Dinky off my head along with her prized apple and gently allowed her to settle on the armrest to my right. "This is the Co-Overdudette throne. Your throne for today."
"It smells like pink and happiness, Mr. Muffin." She said, trotting her little hooves about it, testing the lay of her new land. "Umm....Do you think if Dinky planted the apple seed here, a big pink tree of happiness might grow, Mr. Muffin?" She asked, looking up at me.
"Every tree you plant will be a tree of happiness, Dinky." I give her another pat on the head. "That's our job as Overdude and Co-Overdudette."
Speaking of which, I turned to regard what I suppose was now my throne room. There was no other way to describe it, my heart simply swelled up in happiness at the sight, of the once deprived creatures who had all presumably lived off nothing but hay and grass, enjoying their first real meal in macaroons knows how long. In peace and safety they had been denied for so long no less. Sure, it was someone else's food, someone else's safe haven, but it still did me no end of joy.
"This is your food to give away, your Empire to share, Master." Crystal Heart said, patting my....knee. Guys, what's with my knee, really? And Crystal Heart, do you really want me to imagine you getting intimate with a suppository launcher? "I regret nothing." She said, swatting my threat aside offhoofedly. "These are your ponies you've saved. You have truly earned your place as Crystal Emperor, Master."
"Never sell yourself short, my lord. You are our very first and last hope now. Some might not show it as openly as others, but we are all more grateful than we could ever show." Twilight said, patting my, yes, my other knee. Fluttershy, what have you started?
"Thanks, Twilight, Crystal Heart." I smiled down at the two I could now, even after only a few hours in this land, call my most trusted companions. "Really, thank you. Thank you for letting me do this." I patted Crystal Heart gently. I think I saw Twilight peer at Crystal Heart's look of bliss, but only out of curiosity, seemingly. No, I didn't have her pinned down as the affectionate sort. "Is your horn alright?" I asked Crystal Heart, "Sorry, it felt like a good idea at the time."
"It....worked." Twilight murmured.
"I'll....live." Crystal Heart muttered. "Ah, yes, Master, Ms. Doo," She nodded at me and Ditzy, "I have assigned the dormitory across from Master's bedroom as the filly room. It is warmed up and ready with a supply of both food and milk. You may take them there when you're ready, Ms. Doo."
"Wait, of all the rooms in this citadel, why are they in the room next to mine?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Think of all the things they might find in the carpet up there. There are wild chamberpots prowling the place."
"I shall put aside my overwhelming urge to make an inappropriate quip here." Crystal Heart cleared her throat, "There are 1000 females in this settlement. There are thus nearly 1000 potential mother figures. But there is only one being even remotely equipped to qualify as a father figure."
I may or may not have missed Dinky's ears perking up at this.
"Hey, I thought we're done dissing my genes." I said, pointedly.
"This once I ask you don't change the subject, Master." Crystal Heart said, "These fillies will need one growing up. And, I daresay, you will need them." She said.
"But...I..." I had long yearned for it, yes, but suddenly being thrust it, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. And that's without loading on the emotional baggage of having that man for a father. I can't, I...
"There will be a time for that later. That time is not now." Crystal Heart said, impatiently, cutting my emo spiral short. I could almost hear the vinyl scratch. "You don't have to suddenly become one tonight. That will come with time. You need only know that, at least for now, you are the only one who qualifies for the role."
"Crystal Heart, I..."
"You'll be fine." She said, suddenly soothing. "You've always been, you will continue to be, Master." Was that her leaning against my leg as she settled into the cushion by my side? But before I could peruse that train of thought any further I heard her breathing quieten, even soften. Then as I wondered what was going on she began snoring softly as she lay on the stack of cushions by my knee, head resting in my lap.
"That was fast..." I said, sharing Ditzy's confused look. "She must have really over-exerted herself. Well, you heard it. Can I leave it up to you, Ditzy?"
"Sure thing, your highnessness!" She said, giving me an eager nod.
"Oh, but, Ditzy, no rush. Just make sure they've got something to eat for now, and get something to eat yourself. You deserve some celebrating." I said. She gave me a big nod and a thankful smile before disappearing into the festivities.
I turned to my right and found that Dinky was walking off with Twilight. Dinky seemed excited about something, Twilight seemed surprised but pleasantly so. She noticed me watching them, gave me a smile, before leading Dinky away somewhere. Hmm, odd.
I wasn't allowed to let my thoughts linger there for long. There was trouble in paradise. I eyed the group of dissenters and spotted them speaking to the rainbow-maned one. Rainbow Dash, wasn't it? The colourful pegasus was wearing a pained expression, as if torn by some inner struggle, as the pure white unicorn spoke levelly with her. One of her followers noticed my eyeing them and notified her leader. They all glared at me. The pure white unicorn, however, did not. What was that in her look? Contempt? No, more like...pity. Interesting. Without a word she turned away, leading her sizeable entourage of faithfuls away from the festivities. They disappeared through the main doors, presumably making their way for the exit.
"You've disabled the engines on the stolen airship?" I said quietly to Crystal Heart.
"Hmm, yes..." She murmured, half-snoozing, turning over onto her back with her head still in my lap.
"Not keen on letting them escape your clutches, your dudeness?" Lyra said with a smile. "How cunning of you, my Master~"
"No, not so much that. I just don't want the inquisitors detecting the magic from the engines. That's how they found us the first time." I lied. No, if I had to be honest, it was true, I didn't want them leaving. I wanted them to come to believe in me, put their faith in me, rely and depend on me entirely like all the others. I will not lose to the likes of Whose-Shat, not here, not on home ground.
Crud, that was my messiah complex speaking again. I quickly shoved the thoughts away as far away as I could. But it carried on gnawing at my mind, like some dark-purplish sickeningly-green miasma preying away at my sanity.
Not that I had much left. But I had to make it last.
The OverEmperor and His OverSexy Air-Guitar - Part 1
"Worried 'bout them, your dudeness?" Lyra purred from where she lay on my left armrest, finishing off an apple with relish. She gave me a knowing look, one that suggested she probably knew more than she let on.
"About the A-who-is-shot followers? Oh, no, why should I be?" I shrugged, regarding the festivities, now in full swing as the ponies allowed the food and drink to wash away the day's fears and worries. "I'm more worried about what will happen when everyone tries the flea powder. I think we should keep some of the boner-killer rounds handy just in case. Where do you think those are supposed to be fired into anyway?"
"You're worried. 'Bout all of us. I can see that." She said, flatly, swatting aside my nonsensical rambling.
"Oh, something about my impenetrable poker face somehow leaking my aching bleeding heart?" I grinned back, though a little guardedly. "I tell you, you don't wanna play strip poker against me. The only thing I part with is my pants, and that's only because the frisky thing quite literally flies off. I have no control over it sometimes."
"Your hair sticks out more. You steeple your fingers together just like that. Oh, and you run your mouth quite a bit...not that I don't like it." She smiled. "You're worried." She concluded, steepling her own hooves together with a click, as if completing a neat little maths equation. So, she probably does know more than she lets on. She's also probably a stalker, my little stalker. And that's kinda ho-...creepy. "You're worried she will turn us all back to Ahuizotl followers, yep."
".....It is everyone's freedom to choose what to believe in." I muttered, not really believing my own words, much to my own personal annoyance. Darnit, I'm not a tyrant, go buck yourself messiah complex. "Even if their choice of faiths involves believing in a genocidal turdball with a shit list that makes the Great Wall of China look like the world's oldest bookmark. Heck, I'm a dude who believes in bubble wrap, rock'n'roll, hot wild sex and river dancing, sometimes at the same time. Who am I to judge?"
"You don't really think that." She smirked. Now, don't go all Crystal Heart on me, Lyra.
"I don't need to read your mind like Ms. Heart does. You're an open book to me, my dearest Master, and I can't even read." She chuckled. Dammit, Lyra. "You're one of the kindest souls to ever grace Equus. Not even our own would help us marked ones out of fear, let alone put a roof over our heads and feed us. But you, you've not only gone and saved us, you've gone and given the divine bigwig of this joint the hoof." 'The Hoof'? Suddenly I felt a twang of pity for these poor creatures. With hooves and no fingers their selection of rude gestures must be quite limited. "Yes, you don't know how useful it is to be able to just give a 'finger' instead of a 'hoof'. Oh the number of wars that has started...." She must have noticed me eye her hooves. I certainly do not need another mind-reader on my case, lest my mind devolve into daily mental orgies.
Wait, she knows about the 'finger'? How does she...? But before I could ask that she had continued, "I'm only afraid..." She sighed, looking back at the throne room, at the gathered ponies, "That the likes of Ms. Dis Lee will take advantage of your kindness, your dudeness. You're gonna let her stay here, let her be the timberwolf in your flock. You're gonna let her speak her mind and poison those of your herd. And be honest, your dudeness, you don't want any of that, but your wonderfully kind conscience won't let you make the hard choices. You're torn between safeguarding your chosen and safeguarding their freedoms. And now you're afraid that makes you a bad leader."
I stared at her, wide-eyed. She smiled back at me, mysteriously. "So, when do you break out the ink blot tests?" I raised an eyebrow. "Cause I'll tell you now before we start, the first still looks like a hot babe covered in hot chocolate mousse to me. So does the second."
"Teehee. I don't need those. I have my own Overdude-sense, yep." She tapped her own temple, confirming to me beyond any doubt that my little stalker was a shrink to be reckoned with. "It tells me everything about you, your dudeness. Now, allow me to offer you two reassurances. Firstly, we ponies aren't so foalish as to turn our backs on freedom and good food for a certain, prolonged and excruciating death. So no, we won't be flocking to Ms. Dis Lee in droves." She gave me another comforting pat on my knee as she leaned in close to me, almost conspiratorially, "The second reassurance, my dearest master, is this; You have me, your humble servant, Lyra. I will be the shield to your open heart and do what needs to be done. You need not worry your conscience over Ms. Dis Lee."
"Lyra....you can't...." I began, suddenly horrified. My paranoid mind spun. Lyra wouldn't....
"Hah, 'course not, your dudeness." She suddenly giggled at my expression of terror, "I wouldn't do that...as a first resort, anyway, because that would make you all kinds of sad." She patted me again, "You're too kind, really. But as I said, I will do what needs to be done."
"Lyra, I appreciate your thought, I really do." I sighed, "I'm sure you've got a good plot cooking, but this is my responsibility to bear."
"Oh, you're sure you want to pass on this plot, your dudeness?" She raised an eyebrow, wiggling her rear suggestively. "You've got a good eye, good plots like mine are a dime a dozen~"
"That cheap, huh?" I smirk.
"Huh? Oh, ponyfeathers, wrong figure of speech..." She muttered. Ah, was she trying to use a human figure of speech? So she does know of humans. Now, the question is, does that suggest humans exist here in this world or is her knowledge more...esoteric? "A-ah, I-I mean, for you, your dudeness, it's always on the house." She winked.
"Now I can see why you haven't had any luck getting laid." I mock-sighed with a teasing grin.
"H-Hey! I-I'm just not on the market yet, that's all!" She cried indignantly.
"We're not a capitalist society, we're a tyranny. There are no markets. There's just me and my plots." I said with a smile, "And you, Lyra, you're pretty good at losing the plot, but not your virginity."
"Oh, shush." She rolled her eyes. "Fine, getting on with the plot, your dudeness, Ms. Dis Lee struggles with a feeble flame. I say we fight her in kind, but with an inferno." For the briefest moment there was a dangerous glint in her eyes.
Crystal Heart was right, Lyra was not one to be underestimated even in her proven absolute loyalty to me. "What do you have in mind, Lyra?" I asked carefully, raising an eyebrow.
"Faith will soon be a contested commodity here, yep." She said, gesturing at the feasting ponies, "This will be at best our marketplace, at worst a battleground. And you will have more bargaining chips than Ms. Dis Lee and her petty promises and empty speeches. Tell me, my Master, are you ready to become more than Ahuizotl? Are you ready to become our god emperor?" She asked, gazing deep into...I'd say my eyes, but I fear she was gazing even deeper than that.
"I think we've had enough gods and worship, have we not?" A voice pulled our attention away from each other, much to my relief. I know what it was Lyra was suggesting, and it had occurred to me, particularly when I was talking to Twilight in my room earlier. I had no problem seeking out a way to become greater than Who-is-shite, including becoming a god in my own right if there was some way to achieve that in this world. However, being worshipped as one, particularly now, felt like mass deception at best.
I put these thoughts aside for a moment as I turned to regard the voice and its owner, a certain elegant mare of purest white with a glossy mane of midnight purple, not unlike Twilight's. For somepony who has just been fillynapped and taken on a long airship ride to be a live sacrifice to a dark lord, she was looking mighty fine, in more ways than one. "Oh, I do apologize for interrupting your little tête-à-tête, your lordship." She gave a little curtsy. "But I couldn't help but overhear your little plan."
"Hello, Ms. Rarity." I nod in greeting, "And...Ms. Jack?" I looked at the sunset-orange mare trailing behind her.
"It's just Applejack." She gave me a little doff of her hat in response, but nothing more, seemingly preferring to keep her distance from me. I recall she didn't quite trust me earlier that evening. Probably still didn't, and I don't blame her. If Godzilla suddenly landed in my town promising democracy, capitalism and free porn, I'd be a wee bit sceptical if not running for the hills.
"And Rarity, darling." Rarity gave me a charming smile, "Just plain Rarity."
"Then it's plain 'dude' to both of you." I give them both nods in return, "Though Twilight told me off about that. Said something about ponies wanting me as a lord or something."
"I can vouch for that." Rarity said, "We will need a leader figure to keep us all together. And you wear the cloak quite nicely, your lordship, literally."
"Speaking of which, I need to thank you for your work on the cloak, Rarity." I said.
"Oh, it was my first time doing hideous, ugly and repulsive, not something I'm accustomed to. But it came out as intended, better perhaps. Your wearing it simply gave it everything it needed, I feel." She said with a humble smile.
I....can't help but feel there was an insult hidden in there somewhere. C'mon, guys, give the hairless monkey a chance?
"And thank you for organizing the earth ponies, Applejack." I nod at Applejack, "I'm sure Ass-Who-Shot felt that up where his sun don't shine."
"Was nuthin'. Don't mention it." She said, shifting a little uneasily as she looked away, pulling her hat low with a hoof. Hmm, what's up with her?
"And, most importantly, thank you, you two, for being the voice of reason earlier." I added.
"Not that difficult with all the madness around us." Rarity smiled. "Though I feel it was your knack at diplomacy that saved the day." She winked at me.
"Errr...you saw that." I said, rather stupidly.
"Saw it? Your lordship, we felt it." She chuckled. "Oh the look on Fleur's face was priceless."
"Ahem...." Applejack cleared her throat.
"Oh, right. About what you were saying, your lordship..." Rarity began.
"So, you would know all about gods and worship, wouldn't you, Ms. Rarity?" Lyra suddenly spoke up, looking at best unimpressed. She hadn't taken Rarity's interruption quite as welcomingly. "Or should I say altar mare to the Ponyville Basilica, Rarity?" The mint-green mare's eyes narrowed accusingly.
"Former, please." Rarity said, tone suddenly cooling considerably. "And yes, I would." She nodded, gruffly, "Which is why I can confidently say, we don't need another."
"Of course you don't need another, Rarity most pious of ponies." Lyra had already risen, not even pretending to be civil anymore, "You are already a whorse to the great and bloated Ahuizotl." She glowered accusingly. "And you would see my master denied his rightful place far above him."
"...." To my surprise, Rarity remained silent at that. Most people I know would have flown off the handle at that. But not Rarity, it seemed, who had taken it with almost divine grace. She even gave a little nod, "Yes, yes I was. I do not deny it. I was a devoted altar mare to Ahuizotl. I would say my main interest was in seeing the offerings and donations make their way to those who needed it, but that would be no more than excuse." She looked up at me, "I realize, your lordship, my former faith alone casts doubt on everything I say. But I understand you have a little test for loyalty. Please allow me a chance to let my new heartfelt allegiance speak for itself."
She took a deep breath and a step forwards, "I, Rarity, former follower of Ahuizotl, do renounce my former faith." She gave me a deep bow, "I have been deeply smitten by your shows of kindness and generosity in saving and sheltering my fellow ponies. In return I offer you my steadfast allegiance, your lordship."
"A beautiful if practiced speech, yep." Lyra smirked, "Is that how you wooed Ahuizotl every night?"
Rarity didn't answer. She didn't need to. A brilliant burst of white light bathed the entire throne room, lighting up the food storage blossoms, casting refracted prismatic light all over the crystalline walls. Out of the radiance flew a prismatic white diamond of light that spiralled and pirouetted gracefully in between us before doing a little bob before me, as if curtsying elegantly. I reached out, allowing it to land obediently on my outstretched hand.
Little Rarity, hewn from the most exquisite diamond, poised in a sophisticated sashay with a wink and a generous smile, sat atop my palm.
"That was flashier than I expected. I'd say you got my good side. Wouldn't you agree, your lordship?" Rarity said, admiring her miniature self with a smile. She was careful not to smirk. But she didn't need to. Lyra was already glowering silently at her.
As if to add insult to injury, a little black orb descended out of the air, swaying drunkenly, before teetering far too close to...okay, c'mon, dude, not her horn. That's just, that's just....dude! Down boy! Down!
"O-oh my..." Rarity blushed as she sat back on her haunches and reached up and took hold of the rather frisky black orb in her hooves. "There there, aren't you an excited one?" She trilled as she held the frizzy-haired little figurine set against 3 brilliant harlequin diamonds, matching her own mark. "Well, that's that gossip proven. We're going to run out again soon."
The ponies around the room, sensing that the show was over, slowly returned to their long awaited meals, though a few carried on watching over their food curiously. Looks like this sort of thing wasn't too outlandish for them to cause mass hysteria and a mad rush for the doors. Heck, magical blasts of light was probably how they erased the stains from their dishes.
Crystal Heart muttered something I couldn't quite hear in her sleep, shifting uncomfortably before curling up with a huff, her back towards Rarity.
"Thank you, Rarity." I said, not really knowing what else to say. It wasn't really a time for any witty remarks. "That means a lot to me starting out. Still, if you don't mind me asking, why the change of heart?" I asked.
"Darling, you've simply got better fashion sense. That cloak was simply fabulous. That's more than an immediate sell for me." She chuckled, lightly. Something told me loyal as she has proven herself she wasn't quite ready to tell me the real reason. Perhaps it had something to do with her mark?
"That's not exactly difficult, nope." Lyra muttered. "Anypony can look better than Ahuizotl by simply flushing the chamber pot."
"Dear me, Ms. Heartstrings, that's insulting to all chamber pots everywhere." Rarity tittered.
"Hah, you're right for once." Lyra chuckled. I gotta hand it to Rarity, she had a way of charming everyone.
"And just to prove your effortless superiority in style, just look at this magnificent throne you have crafted for yourself." Rarity patted my throne. Yep, she's got the charm dialed up to 11. Crystal Heart can learn something from her. I got a sleepy hoof to the face for this. "A little heavy on the pink, but it reflects your kind and...err...fluffy nature."
"Lyra here built it." I said, ruffling Lyra's mane again. She gave a happy giggle in response, mood lightening up considerably. "I agree she's done a great job. I mean, you see it and you might think 'oh, big sunny rainbow unicorn princess was here' and then BAM, badass evil overdude butt frickin' everywhere. It's like psychological warfare, but with pink and fluffiness. They'd never expect it."
"So the theme is contrast then?" Rarity asked, curiously, as she took a few steps around, appraising the throne.
"No, the theme is ponies." Lyra chimed in, with a hint of pride.
"Ponies?" Rarity asked, cocking her head to one side, "Is this some kind of... abstract representation?" She asked, poking the cushions. "Pink,soft, bouncy and dreamy?"
"Oh, no, no, it's not complete yet." Lyra smiled, raising a hoof to gesture at herself, "We are the finishing touches."
"'We'?" Rarity and Applejack looked at one another.
"Our Master will sit here surrounded by us, his chosen." Lyra said. "We are his subjects, those under his protection. In turn we're the ones who protect him and give him power." She explained, "Not really all that important amongst ourselves, but with foreign visitors it'll definitely make an impression."
"I only hope it's the right one." Rarity gave a muffled giggle.
"Yeah, there's that too, yep." Lyra grinned, joining in the giggling.
"Oh, get your brains out of the gutters. It's just a pink fluffy chair." I sighed. Pink. Fluffy. Chair.
I hope it's been washed. Like, recently.
My expression was met with more suppressed giggles. "I sense sex!" Crystal Heart declared, suddenly sitting up like a lightning bolt, ramming my chin with her horn with all the force of a pilebunker. She looked around, blinking sleepily, before noticing Lyra, "False positive. The sensors must have gone out of tune over the past millenia. Will have to recalibrate soon....when real live samples available..." She yawned, curling up and promptly falling asleep once more.
"Hey! What the buck is that supposed to mean?!" Lyra demanded to more laughter from Rarity. I showed Lyra the list of things unicorns couldn't do. I had to quickly pull it out of her reach, leading her on a little dance on her rearhooves as she tried to tug it out of my hand with her magic.
This caused Rarity no end of laughter. "Oh, yes, I sense I made the right choice." She said amidst one last little run of giggles, one hoof held daintily over her mouth.
"Meaning?" I asked, placing the sheet of paper inside the collar of my black turtleneck for safety. Bad choice for Lyra quickly dove after it, head-first through my surprisingly elastic collar. "Oy, Lyra! Hey, stay out! That's my secret porn stash!"
"I think I can see my house from here, yep!" Came Lyra's muffled voice from inside. "When can I move in?"
"I just think you'll do nicely, darling." Rarity smiled, patting me on the...c'mon, guys, my knees are going to start thinking they're special or something. "As an emperor, I mean...not Ms. Heartstring's house or....clop stash... but I have no way of really judging the latter, of course."
"You're no fun." Lyra muttered as I pulled open my turtleneck and dumped her unceremoniously back onto her armrest. She slowly picked herself up before regarding Rarity carefully. She gave me one last glance before sighing, "I-I suppose I owe you an apology. I'm sorry, Ms. Rarity, for doubting you. I believe in my Master. If he gives you an MLP then he believes in you. That means I can only believe in you too."
"Thank you, Ms. Heartstrings, dear. And I in turn apologize for interrupting and disagreeing with you on a matter I see is close to your heart." Rarity said, graciously. "Now, allow me to state my case better. What I wish to say is, we have been at the mercy of divine hooves for so long now..."
"You're worried I'll be another Ahuizotl." I said, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, no, don't be silly. I have faith that you will be anything but, darling." She gave me a reassuring smile, waving a hoof dismissively, "No, I worry about how everypony will take having another god on the chess board, so to speak. Our experience with divines so far, namely Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek and Ahuizotl, haven't exactly been confidence building. And don't get me started on the windigos." She shivered.
"There's more of them?" I groaned, allowing my palm to meet my face. "Right, tell them to get in line and take a number. Still busy dealing with Whose-shat's rap sheet, mainly trying to find long enough toilet paper to wipe it all on."
"But our master will be different." Lyra said, "He'll bring us the freedom, equality and justice natural to his kind."
"His kind...?" Rarity looked around at me at this. I couldn't help but turn to Lyra, curiosity mounting. Slowly I put two and two together. Lyra knows of humans, Rarity doesn't, suggesting we're not a common occurrence in this world if at all. That they so easily believed I'm some evil super demon suggested we're more obscure mythical beings at best. Interesting.
"Besides, if we're going to challenge Ahuizotl and get all of ponykind to throw their lot in with us, we need to give them some assurance that our Master can at least match him hoof for hoof." Lyra argued, "The Empress of Gryphonia, Queen of Draconia and Lord of Minos have all challenged Ahuizotl. We never saw ponies flocking to them in droves. We need more than just an Emperor. We need a god."
"I remind you that the Crystal Empire's power source is your follower's love and faith in you, Master." Crystal Heart contributed, sleepily. "They can love you as a god, a king, court jester, a pet, all of the above. It does not really matter."
"A god's the obvious choice." Lyra asserted, "Our Empire needs all the power it can get."
"But...." Rarity bit her lip. "All you want at the moment is a way to counter Ms. Dis Lee, is that not so?"
"Well, yes..." Lyra nodded, "But..."
"Ms. Fleur Dis Lee's only weapon here is uncertainty." Rarity said, quickly, "She tugs upon fear and uncertainty to make everypony come apart at the seams. You see, we've all been on the run from the Inquisition for goodness knows how long now. We've been living off the land, which only become more and more difficult as winter approached. I haven't had a proper meal or a bath in absolutely ages. Some of us had fallen sick. And as if that's not enough, some creepy unicorn mare comes along promising our little band of runaways a safe haven. Before we know it we were fillynapped, herded onto a stolen airship, taken to this Ahuizotl-forsak-....I mean, ruined palace in the middle of the frozen north, to be made into sacrifices for some evil dark overlord..." She was panting a little hysterically, maybe even wailing a bit, at this point. Lyra and I shared a glance. "Oh....saving your presence, no offense meant, your lordship." She added, suddenly calm once more.
"None taken." I said, frowning a little, "Sorry, I've been a little shortsighted, I never considered how far back everyone's suffering went." Especially the sick. What an oversight. I remember Redheart said she had ponies to get back to. Hmmm...
"No, that's alright. That wasn't the point I was trying to make, but thank you for your concern." Rarity said, "The point is, we were desperate and frightened, not to mention hungry, thirsty and freezing cold. If Fleur Dis Lee with her absolute charisma and confidence came to me and promised me Ahuizotl would forgive us all if we returned home at that very moment, I would have followed her like a lamb."
"You're saying as long as I keep them well fed and watered and looked after we'll be fine?" I asked.
"It's definitely a start, dear." Rarity nodded, "But these ponies need security, an anchor of certainty. They, I, need to know that there will be food on the table and a roof over our heads tomorrow and the day after. We need to know what we're doing, where we're going, and what's going on around us. Communication, darling, will be key."
"An anchor, huh. Good point. I suppose I've been more a kite tied to a rocket than an anchor ever since I arrived." I conceded, "We need something simple to get information around, one that doesn't involve the rumour mills, something we can keep under control. Hmmm....Twilight's bulletin board is a start." I murmur, thoughtfully.
"Twilight's bull-ate-a-broad?" Lyra asked. "Twilight has a bull?"
"And it ate a broad?" Applejack blinked. "A broad what?"
"Just 'broad. 'Broad' as in 'mares'." Lyra reasoned,
"If anythin' needs a darn good anchorin', it'd be that bull." Applejack muttered.
"No, dears, it's a big board we read the news from." Rarity explained, patiently.
"No loss then. Twilight's bull can go eat that all it wants cuz Ah can't read ta save mah Apple-brand flank." Applejack said.
"Yep, my flank's pretty doomed too." Lyra nodded in agreement.
"Well, come to think of it, neither can I! To save my own bum, I mean, not yours." I give her a grin. It's true, I can't read the local lingo to save my gloriously illiterate bum. "We'll be able to learn together." I said, earning myself a smile from Lyra, "Now, what's the literacy level of ponies here?" I asked.
"I can read just a teeny bit. I practiced from reciting the holy scriptures. But I am hopeless at writing." Rarity said.
"Most of us are about as literate as a rock." Lyra shrugged. "I mean, who cares? It doesn't really put food in our mouths, nope."
"Rocks are....very literate. They read my poetry." A pony said as she passed by. I would have said she 'chimed in' but her voice was 10 measures of amplitude short of a tombstone to qualify.
"....who is that?" I asked, nodding at the mare whose gray coat was about as monotone as her voice. We eyed her for a while as she flicked aside her long, straight amethyst-purple mane to closely regard...is she staring at the crystal making up the walls? My companions, bar the one still snoozing in my lap, all shrugged.
"I heard she's a relative of Pinkie Pie's," Rarity said, pointing at the pony bouncing across the room energetically, helping making sure everyone had a good supply of food and drink. "But to be fair most of us only shared a fillynapping and a sacrificial ceremony together. Hardly the type of occasions to get properly acquainted. Though I think she's some sort of expert on rocks."
"I wonder if that includes crystals." I muse, eyeing her as she walked up to the wall and....licked it? Before smacking her lips thoughtfully?
"Did she just lick that wall?" Lyra blinked.
"Just getting acquainted with it, I'm sure." I said. "What?" I asked the stares I received, "You guys don't share a little tongue with your acquaintances? Now that's just cold." I sigh. "Oh, that reminds me, I and some bubble-wrap need to get acquainted with Sunset Shimmer." I said, thoughtfully.
"Oh, please don't be too hard on her, your lordship. She has in a way saved us all." Rarity said, "I'm sure she had the best of intentions."
"Offering us all as sex toys to a sex-crazed demonic overlord?" Lyra pointed out, "I wouldn't ever want to see her being mean then, nope. What'll she do then? Bake us cupcakes?"
"I could do with a cupcake..." I murmured. I did some quick thinking. Rarity seemed to have many insights into the ponies, what they were going through and what they would need in the long term. She seemed to have more common sense than Crystal Heart (another sleepy hoof to the face). And she has proven her loyalty. Yes, she'll do. "Speaking of cupcakes, you've both given me food for thought. Rarity, now that you've got an MLP you're officially one of my Crusaders. Would you accept a place in my interim government as my domestics advisor? The job comes with many benefits, including free-flow of ice cream and daily noogies from me...once I figure out where to get said ice cream."
"We have an intimate government what?" Lyra blinked.
"A temporary government. You're already onboard as an advisor, by the way." I said.
"I'm in the intimate government?" Lyra blinked again. Yes, as my personal stalker and favourite plushie.
"You had me at 'cup cake'. I'd be most delighted, your lordship." Rarity said, "I feel honoured by your trust in me. I mean, we're barely strangers, you and I."
"I trust in Crystal Heart and her MLPs." I said, patting Crystal Heart. "By extension I can trust you. I would like to appoint you your first task. I need you to round up Redheart and any other medical mares we have. Make sure they have the medical supplies Twilight brought up." I thought back to my days volunteering for medecins sans frontiers in college. They had a pretty jazzy way of organizing their relief efforts on the field. "We need to gather all the sick ponies in one place, get them triaged and treated, and while we're at it we should get a list of all the sick. Hmmm...I'm going to need Twilight's help with lists." I looked around for Twilight, "I'll find her, you can get started."
"..." I almost missed Lyra giving Rarity a rather unhappy look before suddenly perking up, "And I can go get started on your new creed."
"Now, Lyra..." I begin, uncertain, "You're very enthusiastic about it and I can see..."
"Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet." Lyra said, hopping off my armrest. "Just leave it to me." She said, giving me a wink before disappearing into the crowd.
"By macaroons, that Lyra." I muttered, standing up, dislodging Crystal Heart who simply rolled off my lap to curl up on my throne with a groan.
"We'll help you find her." Rarity offered.
"No, your task is arguably more important, carry on." I said, arming myself with a snoozing Crystal Heart over one shoulder
"With pleasure, your lordship." Rarity nodded, turning to trot off, "Come along, Applejack."
Applejack seemed to not hear this, eyes frowning at the weaponized Crystal Heart snoozing on my shoulder. "We don't have any laws yet so biological weapons are perfectly legal." I explained. "And yes, she explodes when thrown."
"...o-kaay." She murmured, before turning away after Rarity.
Finally left to my own devices I turned my attention to hunting down Lyra. I hugged the wall of the circular grand hall where I would attract the least amount of attention. As hard as it is to take it from a guy carrying a snoozing pony like an oversized blunderbuss, I do believe in keeping a low profile from time to time. It was then when I came across the familiar form of an azure-blue mare sporting a starry pointed wizard hat and cape. My attention, however, was drawn to the sack full of what looked like fruit she had hidden underneath her cloak. She must have felt me staring as she looked up from toying with the tangerine in her hooves to aim an irritated glare at me. "What does the pointless and impotent Overbutt want from the great and powerful Trixie now? More thankless party tricks?" She muttered, tossing her long, flowing silver mane over one shoulder. "Not like this soup kitchen you call a feast can't do with a little Trixie-flavoured spice."
"Err...." I replied intelligently, buying myself time while I wondered what in macaroons she could be referring to. Oh, could it be the special effects she set up for my cape? "I thought all of that went into all the awesome we stuck up their backsides." I said, lightly, pulling out a peach I had saved for myself. "Looks like there's far more packed where that came from, huh? I stand corrected, O'Great and Powerful Trixie." I grinned, tossing the peach in one hand.
"Huh, looks like you have at least two brain cells to rub together to be able to comprehend the depth of Trixie's greatnessness." She huffed, though looking a little more mollified, "Trixie will likewise acknowledge that you are probably not pointless, just impotent."
"Gee, thanks." I muttered, placing the peach in front of her.
"What is this?" She demanded, staring at the peach as if glaring at it hard enough might make it divulge its secrets.
"A peach."
"It looks like a butt."
"I'm starting to get an idea of how your brain works."
"Trixie can show you how yours does firsthoof if you don't shut up."
"It is one of the few plants whose flower blooms first before it sprouts any leaves." I said. "It's one of the many things that make it special."
"It also looks like a really big butt." Trixie insisted. I couldn't help but notice her glancing quickly at her own before smirking in some private little triumph.
"I think my Master is trying to go deep with this one." Crystal Heart said, yawning sleepily, "He's kind of hurting himself in the process. Please pity him and just nod and pretend you understand the deep philosophical message behind the very deep butt-shaped fruit."
"Thank you....Crystal Heart..." I muttered.
"Very well, the deep and understanding Trixie shall keep an open mind about you and your fixation upon butts and butt-shaped fruit." She said, lifting the fruit as yet alien to her in her azure magic.
As I turned to leave I heard her add in a much quieter voice, "Thank you, Overbutt."
I peered back at her out of the corner of my eye. Yep, just as I expected, she slipped the peach away under her cloak surreptitiously while looking about cautiously, thinking nobody was watching her.
"Crystal Heart, keep an eye on Trixie. If she starts moving about in the middle of the night I want to know." I said aside to my trusty assistant.
"Nggg....You're expecting her to leave tonight?" Crystal Heart asked, sleepily.
"Call it my Overdude sense." I said.
"The things you pull out of that plot hole..." Crystal Heart sighed as if in deep resignation, leaping out from under my arm. "In that case, excuse me, Master. I will return to reactivating the vital testing apparatu-.....security systems that will help us stalk on...correction, monitor the activities of our subjects. I am sure you can do without your loyal party associate for a little while." With that she melded into the crowd.
"Err...alright." Sometimes I wondered about Crystal Heart. Actually, make that all the time. As I continued my journey on my lonesome I quickly found Twilight and Dinky to one side. Twilight seemed busy looking over Dinky's shoulder, guiding Dinky's head with her hooves as Dinky sat poring over what looked like a sheet of parchment, quill gripped in her little mouth. "Twilight, did you see Lyra pass by?" I asked.
"Oh? Uuhhh.." Twilight shifted around uneasily, almost as if shielding Dinky from my view. I couldn't help but wonder what the two are up to. "Hmmm..." She tapped a hoof on her chin, "Isn't she sort of invisible?" She pointed out.
"....oh, yeah, super stalker pony." I mutter, facepalming. I'm going to need to put a bell on that girl. Maybe a few neon lights, a spinner or two. "Hmmm, there was something else I had to ask you..." I said, wracking my mind. What was it? Something important, something medical...hmm...medical...suppositories....bubble-wrap....horns....marriage. Oh, was it Sunset Shimmer? Don't ask how my brain got there. "Twilight, I need to ask you about Sunset Shimmer."
"Hmmm?" Twilight asked, looking up from whatever it was Dinky was working on. "Oh, sure, what do you want to know, my lord?"
"So, uuhhh...I sort of ruined Sunset Shimmer for marriage." I said. 'Who is also sort of a sister to you' I thought to myself. But I had nobody else to ask. "And I kinda just need to know, how exactly did I do that?"
"Oh, I wouldn't mind it too much, my lord." To my surprise, Twilight shook a hoof reassuringly as she turned on her remaining three to face me. Rather impressive coordination if you ask me. "Sunny has always been a bit of a traditionalist, as strange as it may seem. She's always worked hard at keeping her horn pure. Yes, we unicorns used to consider our horns sacred a long, long time ago, allowing only our most special someponies to touch them. But nowadays we unicorns are happy enough being alive." She smiled a forlorn little smile, "I'm lucky I have an intact working horn. For most of us that's a bonus." She pointed up at her own horn, giving it a little burst of magic for emphasis. It was then when I noticed for the first time that Twilight's little horn had chips in its spiral, even a few dents and scrapes in the actual body of the horn. "If we get worked-up with marriage over every single touch, prod, pull, and rock on our horns, we'd be getting married at least two or three times a week."
"Is it his chosen, those 'Felis'?" I growled, feeling my fists turn white. I didn't dare look at Dinky in case I found a single blemish upon her cute little horn, lest I launch a concentrated flea powder warhead straight at whatever cesspit Whose-Shat called his capital.
"...." Twilight gave a little nod before adding, "Ponies too."
"Wait? But...why?!" I gasped in horror and disbelief.
"Unicorns bear the most blame for the Nightmare Moon incident after Nightmare Moon herself. Our magic burned and seared the land of its life in the age of conquest." Twilight sighed, "Or so we're taught in Sunday school in the churches of Ahuizotl. That has led to a lot of cruelty towards unicorns. A lot of us are lucky to survive foalhood."
"I see, he probably fears your kind, so he not only turned the world against you, he turned you against yourselves." I nod in barely suppressed rage. Turning one's enemies against themselves, it was the oldest trick in the human book, and it's a pretty damn old, fat and bloody bug. I was suddenly reminded of the discussion I had with the three different pony tribes earlier. While I noticed some tension, I thought it was being played up for cruds and giggles. I didn't realize it was this serious. Fluting macaroons...I had gathered 1000 ponies of 3 different races with enough bad blood to make vampire-human relations look romantic. Why have they not....ah, I see. They've segregated themselves into 3 different parts of the room like the universe's biggest 'I'm-not-touching-you' stand-off. I couldn't help but notice that the earth pony group was the largest, followed closely by the pegasi. The unicorn group, however, was pitiful in comparison, making up no more than a fifth.
"You asked us why we hoofers are still slaves despite having magic, weather and the power to move mountains." Twilight said, "Well, in answer to the magic bit, we don't have very much. As I said, not many of us survive, and even those of us who do don't always make it through with intact functioning horns. Education in magic is also very limited, just enough to make us useful without allowing us any power whatsoever." She nodded at some of the unicorn mares who I noticed for the first time had chipped, even broken horns. "We don't have the wings of the pegasi or the strength of the earth ponies. Without our horns we unicorns are no better than food and glue."
I placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a little squeeze. "That isn't true." I growled darkly, "It was never true. And whatever Sunday school taught you that, I'm knocking'em all the way to next Friday's laundry day where they belong along with all the other overdue washing."
Twilight gave a little chuckle at that, "I don't know what it is, but you certainly have a way with words that puts dictionaries to shame, my lord. For some reason I can't help but trust them, your words that is."
"Wish the same could be said of me and the ponies." I muttered, "Heck, I popped bubblewrap on a unicorn's horn." I bury my face in my palm, wishing I could bury the rest of myself there as well. Suddenly what I did had taken on an entirely new dimension of 'wrong'. It was about as bad as making party balloons out of inflated condoms.
To my surprise, Twilight smiled in amusement at this, "Most of the unicorns are talking about how, well, impressed they are, actually, my lord. How you, a god, would be so accepting of our horns which the rest of Equus considers dirty and profane." She seemed to blush a little, "S-showing it w-with such a p-public display of affection no less."
"Twilight, I kind of have to wonder what you've all gone through if that is considered 'accepting'." I sighed, before a niggling little suspicion arose, "Wait, public display of affection? Was that really...?" Oh, did I just faux-pas my bum again? I did, didn't I?
"Oh....you didn't know." Twilight couldn't help but giggle, "Haha, sorry, I can't put it down to anything other than you simply having a knack for such things. Overdude-sense, was it?"
"Knack for 'such things', huh." I muttered. I'd never be able to look at bubble-wrap the right way ever again.
Did I ever look at bubble-wrap right? Huh, come to think of it....
"I'd be careful though." Twilight suddenly said in a low whisper, "You've already been seen hanging around Lyra, and there was that little magic show thing with Rarity earlier. The other two tribes might start to, well, think you're favouring us unicorns. You need to remember that we're a very small minority here. That can be cause for unrest."
"Thank you for telling me." I said. It was a sobering thought. Come to think of it my entire retinue at the moment all bore horns. I will have to start recruiting pegasi and earth ponies into my circle and soon. Makes you wonder, with all their skeletons, goblins and imps, are all demonic overlords politically correct equal-opportunity racists?
A strange sound interrupted my train of thought like a nuke crossing the tracks. An electric guitar solo filled the air, loud and clear. Especially loud. "Did you hear that?" I asked, looking around for the source in case it was something about to eat me alive or lullaby me to death, not necessarily in that order. It sounded like it came from up above somewhere.
"Heard what?" Twilight asked. None of the other ponies seemed to have heard the sound either, despite how loud it was.
"Oh, I found Lyra." I said, looking up at the turquoise form standing atop one of the floating food storage blossoms, one hoof up on a jutting petal, holding....is that a lyre? Holding a lyre like an electric guitar in one hoof, swinging her other through the chords as if she were busting out beats from an axe. Jagger would have stood proud. I know my privates are.
How is her hoof defying physics and holding onto that lyre? Rainbow magnets? Unless those suppository launchers strapped around her hooves had something to do with it...?
"Where?" Twilight asked, following my finger, "Oh, what is she doing there?" Looks like it's true, somebody had to point her out first to break whatever strange invisibility spell she had around herself.
A few more ponies followed my finger out of curiosity. In a slow wave the whole hall's attention turned upwards to look at her. Seemingly satisfied that she had everyone's attention she cleared her throat and raised her voice, "My fellow ponies." She called out, strumming another sexy chord, "Tonight we dine in glory! We feast upon awesome! And we believe! We believe in he who chose us as his flock, who gives us today our daily bread and tomorrow gives us the whole world to rock! Join me, my fellow ponies, in living and breathing his gift, his epic, his dudeness!" She slammed a hoof through her lyre once more, ripping out another impossible roar from her little lyre. Seriously, no lyre has the right to be that friggin' badass. "Hooves in the air for our first ever prayer!" She declared, raising her hooves into the air.
To my ever macaroon-loving surprise, a lot of hooves actually joined hers in the air without hesitation. A few more joined in after a moment's pause as if struggling a little to register what just happened. As if giving in to the rising peer pressure a few more joined in. A substantial number, however, seemed content to just listen. A small number stood up and snuck out quietly. Fewer still made a show of striding out of the room. I had expected a spectrum of response. I didn't expect this many to respond so positively, however. I looked down and found that Dinky had happily raised her hooves up towards me, a look of absolute adoration twinkling in her eyes. Twilight too had joined in, though she gave me a little wink, mouthing 'why not'.
"Now, echo my soul, believers!" Lyra cried, "He who overdudes our hood, our suppository of safety in waking and in sleep!" She sang, allowing the crowd a moment to sing after her. Wait, what did she say? Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the Tower of Babel's beginnings, and it was founded on rock and suppositories. The very walls seemed to glow with the strange fiery energy Lyra was pumping into the prayer. No, seriously, they were glowing with a really psychedelic light. "Who feeds us with his sexy decimal fingers and shelters us from pissy inquisitor chamber potties!" To my surprise a few more ponies joined in at this point, raising their hooves into the air. Lines of light began to course and pulse through the glowing walls of the chamber, tracing out intricate rune-like patterns seemingly engraved deep into the crystal. "In the air our hooves linger in heartfelt thanks, for not only accepting our marked flanks, but choosing us as your chosen, your herd, your pack. This gift we will fight to earn, that we be the very means for you to save our world with your ever glorious long and tight jeans! We believe! We believe! I say, we overbelieve! In the name of the Overdude, the Empire, and the Chosen, let our OverFaith sing forever and ever till the end itself is nigh! I dare you all, I double dare you, to say now neigh!"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" Chimed in a certain bright pink pony bouncing about in her worship. In a rapid movement that threatened to seriously maim at least 3 ponies standing close to her she crossed her hooves across her heart before....did she just poke her eye with her hoof?
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The rest of the crowd echoed. And thus the Tower of Babel was topped with a cupcake.
"Wait, that's not-...uhh...." Lyra said, waving a hoof awkwardly, before sighing as if resigning herself to some rather painful punch line. She cleared her throat awkwardly and crossed her hoof across her heart, trooping on valiantly, "Uhh...Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ey-OUCH!" She cried, receiving a hoofful of ouch in the eye. In her eye-popping enthusiasm she managed to send herself staggering backwards. It didn't take a prophet to divine what would happen to the Tower next. Mouth dry, knees suddenly weak, I staggered forwards, arms outstretched. The last thing I needed was my first ever prayer ending with a live sacrifice.
Makes you wonder, did the central American human sacrifice rituals start out as a rather awkward accident? Errr...that guy slipping off and tumbling down all 1000 steps? Yeah, that was part of the ritual, totally. Carry on.
As the prayer completed, the light from the lines coursing through the walls grew to a dazzling glare that put Morgan Freeman's teeth to shame. Just as the ponies opened their eyes and gasped at the blinding glow, Lyra slipped off the floating storage crystal and fell with all the grace of a sack of muffins. I reached out blindly in the glare, praying (to myself?). My prayer was answered as my little pony fell out of the sky right into my arms.
She was surprisingly light. And loud. "-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" She carried on screaming as she lay across my arms. She took another deep breath before screaming again, shriller and longer. Gotta hand it to her, she even made screaming to her death sound like an orgasm. After what felt like an eternity she finally let herself trail off before sighing, "Y'know, this floor knows how to keep a mare waiting..."
"Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies." I chuckled as the bright light slowly dimmed just enough for her and all the other ponies to see.
Her eyes fluttered open at this. "I see the light..." She murmured, blinking blearily in the blinding light. "Oh, hello your dudeness. Did I...Did I die and go to dude heaven?" She asked, looking hopeful.
"Worse. You're alive, in my arms, and everyone's watching." I said, looking around at our stunned audience.
"Well, they can watch you carry me to bed~" Lyra said as a little hoof traced teasing circles on my chest, "Cause I think I have an ouchie in my poor little hoof." She sighed, dramatically.
Something nudged me in the side. It was Twilight, whispering something to me, "I think you need to say something." She nodded at the audience as the silence threatened, very vocally, to go and be all awkward on us.
"Err...right." What was it Rarity said? Certainty? Communication? Lyra, now she can really communicate. I somehow felt as awkward as a used condom in comparison. Well, I had to at least give it a try, as lame as I'd look after Lyra. I took a deep breath and put on my stage voice. How did Lyra do it? Start with strumming a guitar? I struck a pose, placing a foot up on a black crate somebody had forgotten in the middle of the chamber, before strumming my imaginary guitar with experimental zest.
"Aaaahn!" I heard something moan. The very walls of the chamber erupted in a sudden blaze of runic light, pulsing madly to the familiar beats of what I could only guess was my air guitar. Oh yes, there was so much saturated awesome in the atmosphere that even air-guitaring made the air vibrate with awesome. Or, y'know, maybe Crystal Heart turned on the wrong testing apparatus and somehow linked my phone back up with the sound system, but I preferred to believe in awesome.
I paid it no heed. I felt too alive to pay anything but my own ego any attention. I felt it, this was it, this must be what possessed Lyra earlier. Who knew air-guitarring was the key to hidden bravado? With a grin I tapped into my newfound wellspring of awesome and let it flow like a flood of psychedelic rainbows, "Ponies, I hear you! My very soul hears you! You've taken me deeper than you can even begin to imagine!" I bellowed as I cast my gaze across my entire audience, jamming my hand into my air guitar once more.
"Mmmmhhhngh!" Yet another moan, this one muffled yet louder.
"Your passionate voices sing love to me!" I declared. "Your hot love flows through our Empire! Your burning faith courses deep through your fellow Chosen. Look around you!" I said, nodding at the light coursing and pulsing through the walls. "See yourselves pumping the passion through our Empire! Feel it erupt in the veil of invisibility that keeps us hidden from prying eyes, watch it roar in our shield that keeps us safe, and bask in the warmth and light that keeps our gardens fertile and warm. Look around you! This is your love, your faith, your will, taken form! Through the sweat of your labours, the passion of your faith and the ferocity of your dreams, there will be food, water, and anything and everything you could ever desire, today, tomorrow and forever!" I slammed my hand through my air-guitar as I busted out another imaginary chord.
"Hnnnggghaaaaaaaaah!" A cry of ectasy let loose this time. But I was on too much fire to care.
I gaze upon each and every one of them in turn. "Remember this now, revel in it when you lie upon your warm new beds tonight, and celebrate it every day of your new lives. Become one with me, my little ponies! Yes, become one in our Overbelief! Oh, yes, we believe! Let us all believe in your Emperor, your Empire and yourselves!"
There was a dramatic pause. Or at least I chose to believe it was, seeing as the entire front row was holding their breath. And staring, wide-eyed. And...uhh...slack-jawed. All staring at me and, interestingly at my hands too. They must have never seen an air-guitar before, let alone one that jammed with so much epic.
Then, as if somebody turned the volume up, a tumultuous roar of approval spread across the hall. It was like a tidal wave, the most colourful tidal wave ever. The entire room erupted in an explosion of cheers and cries of 'Yes!' and 'Aye!'. The ground shook with the force of hundreds of thundering hooves stomping in applause and celebration. The light coursing and flickering in the walls grew to an almost blinding intensity once more as their cries threatened to lift the entire Crystal Citadel off the ground. I played a furious extended air-guitar solo as I hip-thrusted to the rocking revelry, cries and cheers and....
.....really hot screaming of one particularly loud voice that was titillating into a rather moving crescendo of unabated passion. "OH, BUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEES!"
I finish my air-jamming with a flourish of my now sweaty fingers. I breathed in the thick, heavy air filled with almost drunken revelry. It smelled of awesome and sexy. Especially sexy. The heat on my skin was almost scalding, but I simply basked in its fiery glow as I allowed it to sink in.
Holy. Fluting. Macaroons. Yeah.
I sighed, shaking my sweat-locked mass of spiky hair out of my face as I gazed across the sea of cheering colours. "Thank you!" I shouted, "Thank you! I'm here all night! And every night! So are the comfortable warm beds I promised! And definitely not mine! My bed's got a 3 month long waiting list while we clean out 1000 years worth of stains, I'm afraid." I said. There was an undercurrent of giggles at this, "As long as it's a room free of big evil dark overlords and/or suspicious-looking stains in the carpet, you're free to make it yours. Don't forget to take your pillows and blankets as our last laundry day was unfortunately last Friday, 1000 years ago." More laughter. "Sleep well tonight, and every night. You've all earned it."
The ponies, sensing my speech had ended, immediately stirred into a burst of excited chatter. It was as if a heavy lid had come off and all the repressed hope and cheer suddenly came flooding out. They spoke excitedly of plans, plans for tonight, for tomorrow, for the future. Goodness only knows how long they have been denied that luxury.
Now I could only hope this will somehow reach those who had decided to leave the room earlier.
I turned to look at Twilight, hoping to be greeted by her look of approval. But what I found instead was a look of quiet wide-eyed disbelief, twangs of hair jutting out randomly out of her frazzled mane. Huh, is rock a little too loud for her? She even had her hooves pressed tight over a bewildered Dinky's eyes and ears. Hey, now, my Dinky will grow up listening to this new sound! Hah, old fashioned Twilight. It'll catch on, mark my hip-rockin' words. I mean, look at how quickly it took with the others!
"That was so wrong!" One mare giggled as she sauntered past.
"The right kind of wrong, you mean." Another replied.
"My kind of evil." Another sighed.
"If Ahuizotl's all that's good, let darkness rule, I say."
"B-Buck yeah for fingers! P-please, s-sir, can I have s-some more?" A breathless little voice rasped pleadingly. I looked down and found the limp form of a certain mint-green mare draped across my raised knee, her horn locked firmly in a guitar chord. The G major chord to be precise. In my fingers, to be even more painfully precise.
"I knew it'd be an instant hit." I grinned at her obvious enjoyment of my little show as I gingerly let go of her rather moist horn, causing her to gasp and squirm a little. "Got enough here to go aaaaaall night, Lyra." I flounced my newfound source of limitless awesome. Air-guitar? Buck yeah.
"Ah....I-I s-see....w-why you need a-a thousand...of us, yep. Like, 100 for each finger..." Lyra sighed, blearily, eyes seemingly heavy with sleepiness. "M-maybe...after...I rest a...like...2 days...or ten. Yeah, ten sounds good." She whispered, before going all Crystal Heart on me and falling asleep on my knee.
"Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies." I sighed, hefting the sleeping Lyra back up into my arms.
"Sending them straight to sleep, your lordship?" Rarity sauntered up to greet us with a chuckle.
"Dreaming beautiful wet dreams, my dear." I winked.
Rarity giggled at this, "Well, she won't be the only one dreaming nice dreams tonight, I'm sure. You've certainly given us the certainty we need, your lordship....with quite the side order of unexpected panache too, I must say. I worry you will quickly outgrow your cloak now." She gave me a little sigh, "I'm...only worried that the high pedestal Ms. Heartstrings is putting you on will only put you out of our reach, dear."
"I won't be..." I said, though with a touch of uncertainty. "I'm sure I won't be."
"We'd....better get Lyra to bed." Twilight muttered, weakly. "Before...something else happens to her....like her spontaneously combusting or something."
"Well, better let me handle the potentially explosive stuff then." Ever helpful Applejack sauntered up behind Rarity, "Give her to me, before anything else catches fire."
"So little faith." I sighed, letting Applejack take my snoozing Lyra. "Thanks, Applejack. I'd take her myself but I have just a few more fires to put out tonight."
"Ah'm sure ya do." Applejack muttered, hefting Lyra onto her back before trotting away without another look at me.
"Don't put them out too much, for their sake.", Rarity gave me a brief smile before going off after her friend.
".....did I miss some innuendo or something somewhere?" I asked, feeling like I had missed out on something big somewhere along the way.
"....." Twilight sighed, "Must be your Overdude sense." She said, turning her attention back to Dinky.
Hmm, odd. Some kind of pony nuance that flew over my head? But I didn't let my mind dwell on that for too long. My gaze fell upon what I had imprinted on my mind as my 'favourite little corner'. With Lyra's stunt done and over with with little to no incendiary fallout, I decided it was a good a time as any to go seek more fire to play with. And what better fire than the shimmering flame of the sunset herself? 'Ah, what a masochist I am' I thought to myself as I finally got around to my 'most humble and loyal servant'. I made my way to the corner, hoping to find my prisoner still there. To my great surprise she was. And not just her but an entire herd of fillies sat or lay huddled together in the corner. I couldn't help but wonder if she had gathered them all together for safekeeping. Looks like Ditzy had arrived ahead of me and was gathering up the fillies.
"Put your eyes on the right way around! For the last time, I'm not a filly!" Sunset Shimmer's shrill voice sailed up to meet me like the Titanic.
"You are one to me. And look, I can prove it to you." Ditzy said, pointing a hoof at what looked like some scrawls drawn on the ground in what looked like fruit juice.
"..." Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes and peered down at the scrawls. "....you're seriously using the second Starswirl equation of abs-so-cute relativity to describe my size and cuteness as a function of your own cuteness and thereby derive my approximate age as a fraction of your own?" She asked in disbelief. "But going by this you've approximated my age to be 7 years old!"
"6 and a half, actually, if you apply Time Turner's corollary correction factor. Look, I even put a heart at the end?" Ditzy said with a hopeful smile, exhibiting logic as cold as an iceberg. "Come with us. There'll be food and warm beds for everypony."
"I am not a filly! I'm big and grown up!" Sunset Shimmer leapt up onto her hooves as if demonstrating just how big she was. Ditzy had a point, Sunset Shimmer was kind of the iPod mini to the rest of her pony peers. "You're just fat, that's all! So fat that, that, if we go by your logic the moon is a filly!" She also had the mental maturity and tendency for tantrums to match.
Her eyes fell upon my approaching form. They widened into a pair of emerald moons as she gave a desperate little squeak. "U-um, actually, I am a little filly! P-please, t-take me, take me with you! Take me now!" She shifted on her hooves uncertainly before suddenly turning tail. But her scrabbling hooves found no purchase upon thin air as she was suddenly lifted bodily into the air.
"Don't worry, Ditzy. This little filly's mine." I said, scooping her up and holding her fast underneath one arm. Jeez, quarterbacks think they've got a hard time? At least footballs don't squirm, flail and scream cutely at you.
"Argh! P-put m-me down!" She cried, hooves flailing helplessly at thin air. "Or...or...I will...I will do nasty things to you!" She threatened, though I noticed she hadn't lit up her horn as I've noticed other unicorns do when turning hostile. Either she wasn't serious or she was afraid of being horn-snubbed again.
"Feel free to take the rest of the fillies. Thanks, Ditzy." I said, nodding at Ditzy, who gave me a little wave in return before leading the bewildered fillies away, one wing raised straight up like a tour-guide's flag leading the way.
"Hey! Don't you dare ignore me threatening to do horrible and mean things to you! Cause I mean it! I will be mean to you!" Sunset Shimmer shrieked. "This. Is. Me. Being. MEAN!" She blew up her cheeks and pouted massively, turning herself into the very picture of a ripe tomato.
I sighed as I broke into a stride, carrying her along with me out of the grand hall and into a long side corridor. "If you wanted to do horrible mean things to me, you would already have done that by now, Starswirl the Bearded the 12.5th. Heck, you didn't need to sit in the corner or gather the lost orphan fillies together. You could have gone and hopped back in your airship and found some other dark overlord to rudely poke awake, or go raid the Citadel for glitter-powered weaponized cuteness of mass distraction, or scatter flea powder in everyone's beds, you know, evil unicorn sorceress stuff." I said, matter-of-factly, "Or are you seriously telling me the best this filly who summoned the greatest dark overlord of all time could do is blow up her cheeks at me?"
"Watch. Me." She managed to say through her puffed up cheeks, even managing to puff her cheeks up even more.
"Yes, I was." I said, "All throughout the prayer."
She gave a little gasp, her cheeks deflating very quickly, leaving behind a pair of rose-tinted cheeks. Yes, I had watched her raise her hooves in the air and join in the little faith-rousing. "I...I was just bored!" She snapped, haughtily. "This corner's kind of, you know, square!"
"Bored enough to do the cupcake bit." I grinned, noting her slightly bloodshot right eye.
"I-I didn't want to stay i-in the c-corner a-any longer than I had to, that's all!" She huffed, indignant. "A-and every bit helps power up the shields. Even the cupcake!"
"So you do care." I smirked.
"Hmph..." She turned her face away from me and refused to look at me all throughout our little journey. "I swear I'll chew your eyebrows off..." She muttered, finally settling on something diabolically mean to threaten me with. I had never feared for my eyebrows more.
"Kinky." I replied simply, as we disappeared together into some random corridor.
Meanwhile, back in the newly appointed throne room, two unicorns were huddled close together, poring over what would become the Empire's first meaningful work of art and literature. Which wasn't that difficult considering everything else the empire had ever produced had something or other to do with dongs.
"....lu....lu....tia..." Twilight said, slowly, peering over Dinky's shoulder, slowly guiding Dinky's head with her hooves the little filly finished the last letter with a flourish of the quill in her mouth. They paused as they regarded Dinky's handiwork, a little picture of what looked like a miniature unicorn sitting atop a massive grinning planet with messy spiky bed hair that threatened to violently stab the sun and moon in the corners of the picture. Around them were the messy scrawls that barely passed for Equine script, Dinky's first attempt at writing.
"U-umm....is that good?" Dinky asked, voice filled with both giddy hope and dreadful uncertainty like a foal waiting for her first ever gift from Santa Hooves.
"It's perfect." Twilight said with a satisfied smile, patting Dinky. "Now all you've got to do is show him."
"U-umm....b-but....what if....what if he doesn't like it?" Dinky murmured, dreadful uncertainty taking over. "What if....he doesn't....want Dinky?"
"Dinky..." Twilight sighed, pulling the little unicorn into a tight embrace. She probably wished deep inside that she could give Dinky the reassurance she wanted to hear. But both of them had only known me for all of a few hours at best. Even Twilight wasn't sure, but was wise enough to keep that uncertainty to herself. "You've done your best. The only thing you can do now is hope for the best."
"Y-yes....D-Dinky will!" Dinky said, grasping the little sheet of parchment in a tight embrace as if it contained all that she could ever hope and dream of having in her life. "T-thanks, Ms. Twilight..."
"You're very welcome, Dinky. And when we're all settled we'll carry on working on your reading and writing, alright?" Twilight said with a smile as she released Dinky.
"R-really?! T-that would be amazing, Ms. Twilight! D-Dinky has always wanted to be able to read everypony's expressions. Dinky's always wondered what bit forms the letters, is it the mouth or the eyes? Or is it the nose when it wrinkles or the eyebrows when they bristle?"
"Oh, Dinky." Twilight chuckled. Her attention was quickly caught up by the approaching Ditzy. "Oh, hello, Ditzy. You found all the fillies?"
"Yes. I was hoping you'd be able to help me list down their names and details while I get them their food?" Ditzy asked.
"I'll be right back, Dinky." Twilight said, before stepping away to talk to Ditzy, leaving Dinky to sit back and admire her handiwork once more. It was her first ever work of art. She had often watched other fillies and colts walk home with their families, showing off their latest Sunday school work to their proud and doting parents. It had been something she had never dared wish for from where she sat watching in her dark little alleyway, something she only ever dared dream of in her fitful sleep - To not only have the parchment and quill to draw and write, but have somepony to be proud of her work. And now she hoped against hope that her chance had come at last.
"Oh hey, look, Diamond Tiara, it's the sound of coins in a beggar bowl." A familiar voice burst her little bubble with all the subtlety of a cannonball.
"Oh yeah, Silver Spoon. Wasn't it the sound of a foal peeing herself in a flooded storm drain? Wasn't it, like, 'Dink, dink, dink'? But I suppose she'd know, she's the expert, on both accounts." Said yet another voice, one even more familiar than the last, one that immediately summoned dread and fear within little Dinky.
"Oh...umm....h-hello, Ms. S-Silver Spoon, Ms. D-D-Diamond Tiara..." Dinky's voice faltered at their approach, "Y-you're both h-here too?"
"Not for long, pee bowl." Diamond Tiara scoffed, "My daddy would be here soon to pick me up!" She said, though with the slightest hint of forced hope.
"And my mommy!" Silver Spoon added.
"But....you've both been marked..." Dinky pointed out out of genuine concern. "I-if y-you go back they'll..."
"S-shut up!" Diamond Tiara barked, the shaking in her voice betraying her worst fears, "My daddy's a mean-mister for lord A-whoo-sort! He makes everything right! And he loves me more than anything in the world!" Her lips quivered a little at this, uncertainty claiming her, "B-but y-you....you wouldn't know what that is! Y-you've n-never had a daddy! You got thrown out with the rest of the garbage! But not even the garbage wants you cause you're marked!" She cried, almost tearfully.
"B-but...D-Dinky's n-not..." Dinky whispered, almost curling up into a little ball.
"You know why I have a daddy and you don't? Because my daddy loves me! But you, nobody would ever want you!" Diamond Tiara was crying and shrieking earnestly now. "Because not only are you a horny, you're a crack-horn! That makes you worse than garbage, and no daddy would ever ever want you near let alone as a daughter!"
"Wai....Diamond, that's...." The gray-coated filly next to her muttered, taken aback.
"What?! It's true! I'm always right!" Diamond Tiara wailed, tears streaming down her heated face, "I-I'll s-show you! D-Daddy...D-daddy... I want my daddy!" She cried, rushing off towards where Ditzy and Twilight were huddled in deep discussion. Silver Spoon gave Dinky one last troubled look before rushing after her friend who had managed to make enough of a commotion to earn herself some concerned comforting from both Twilight and Ditzy.
Dinky, meanwhile, sat, eyes glazed over, gazing at empty nothings as they peered right through the sheet of parchment in front of her.
...Worse....than garbage...
Little did they know, Crystal Heart had listened in on the whole conversation.
The warm, shimmering light of the aurora above spilled through the long gallery of crystal windows lining one side of the otherwise dim corridor. The crystal lanterns perching upon the wall-mounted braziers sat dark, unlit, as if silently nagging me to restore our Empire's energy supply. The occasional pulse of light zig-zagged through the magical circuitry engraved into the crystal walls, suggesting some life was slowly returning to the Empire. I gave a little sigh of satisfaction as we quickened our pace down the long corridor. Or, perhaps more accurately, going by the lone footfalls upon the broad crystal tiles, I quickened my pace. My one other companion was still clasped tightly under my arm, hooves flailing in the air as their owner struggled to set herself free.
"You really can't keep your hands off, can you?" My burden muttered, blowing a puff of sunset-red hair out of her face.
"Keep my hands off what? These curves? Let's see..." I gave her belly an experimental squeeze, eliciting a squeak of surprise from the little pony, "...nope. I can't." I concluded confidently.
"I've got hooves for horseapples sake! I can walk! Can't you see? Or did I send your eyes to the wrong dimension?" She demanded, kicking out her legs for emphasis.
"One sec, let me check." I blinked my eyes a few times experimentally. "Hmm, nope. Still don't see a vista of boobalicious hot curves. Wrong one." I concluded once more with a sigh.
"Your brain's the wrong one! Let me go! Lemmegolemmegolemmegolemmego!" She whined. Again. "Let me go before I show your face just how many hooves I've got! 1000; that's how many!"
"You've also got a mouth. That much you've assured me of." I pointed out. "What will you do if I let you go?"
"Bite all of your nipples off." Sunset replied, simply
"Hmmm... persuasive, but I'm more into licking than biting," I said. "Try again."
"If you don't let me go, I'll snap your horn in half." Sunset Shimmer said. She almost sounded serious. "And tie tinker bells around it and use it to play pony darts!" Like I said, 'almost'.
Silence fell between us as I struggled to wrap my mind around what she said. "Hmmm, I shall add that to my list of unicorn kinks." I nodded, thoughtfully. "I remind you that I'm about as much a unicorn as a dancing pickle."
"I know you have a horn," Sunset asserted, stubbornly. "Crystal Heart assured me you have one. It's the source of your magic." Sunset said with a sudden air of smarmy smugness in her knowledge. "No need to play coy with me. I even know where you keep it hidden."
"Setting aside the fact that I'm about as magical as a chamber pot, this horn of mine's so well-hidden even I don't know it exists," I point out. Does Sunset actually believe I'm still in some way magical, even after my earlier performance with the inquisition? In fact do any of the other ponies believe that? Hmm, the fact that a good many of them showed open fear earlier, that just as good a number were so ready to pray to me, all of this suggested this was worth investigating. "So, where is this horn of mine?" I asked.
"There, inside the 'long and tight jeans' everypony's talking about." She pointed a hoof at my pants. "There's no hiding such powerful magic from the all-powerful me! I can smell it!"
"I was only joking about my last shower being 1000 years ago." I muttered, my thighs subconsciously closing together protectively about my crown jewels. "Now, if you do snap it off, it will rip itself free of the powerful seal that is my long and tight jeans. You will unleash it in all its unstoppable manly glory in an enclosed space with 1000 innocent females. What happens next I will leave to your imagination." I said. It seemed as good an attempt as any to dissuade her from snapping my wang off. It wasn't something I wanted to end today with. Or ever for that matter.
"Simple. I shall claim it as my own, endowing myself with your dark prowess," Sunset schemed out loud. My mind screamed 'But WHERE?!' and summoned up the most comically disturbing of images against my will.
But hey, supposing, just supposing, what if my 'horn' could really fire off unicorn magic? Just imagine, if with a single epic hip thrust I could unleash rainbow beams capable of flattening mountains and imprisoning ancient elder gods in the underworld...
Huh...
Y'know what, I really shouldn't let my mind wander like that. It might hurt itself. We're already trailblazing through the deep end but down that road true madness lies. When I screw Ass-Whose-Shot up royally, I don't want it to be literal. It'd make for a rather ridiculous epitaph.
Something occurred to me and being the bastard I was, I simply had to know. "Tell me, Sunset, do you even know where foals come from?" I asked as diplomatically as I could. It was certainly more diplomatic than 'Do you know what a wang is?'.
"Huh? Is that your best attempt at insulting my superior intellect?" She gave me a look of absolute disdain. "When a mommy pony and a daddy pony kiss, the foal fountain in the sky sends a foal pegasus down to them with their new foalie." She explained, matter-of-factly, all the while gloating over her superior intellect.
You know, considering the sprinkle-and-glitter world I was in, I might have been tempted to believe her. But there was fantasy, and there was absurd. This place is so densely steeped in innuendo that it has collapsed in on itself and turned into a black hole from which no shred of decency could escape. After all that you expect me to believe foals pop out of a magic diabetes fountain in the sky? "Uh huh, pull the other one, it's got tinker bells on. Next you're going to tell me pegasi living in a flying cloud city make all the weather." I rolled my eyes.
"Did you leave your brain in that coffin or something? Weather is ultimately the product of the sun's heat creating air pressure differences as well as vapourizing water. Even fillies know that." She snapped.
"I don't want to be told that by you especially." I muttered. From all the innuendo Crystal Heart and company had dropped so far I was quite certain sexual reproduction had caught on in this dimension. Sunset Shimmer probably skipped out on that bit of her foalhood education. Considering what happened to her, it wasn't all that implausible. Now, the question is, how should I break it to her?
Yeah, no, too much profit to be had he-... I mean, innocence must be protected at all costs!
"11 months..." Sunset sighed, "That's how long it will take for the foalie pegasus to make it here... though it might take longer considering we are much farther north." She seemed to be thinking out loud as she crossed her hooves, head hung in deep thought. "I'm naming it! It'll be Sunset Star if it's a filly, Sunflare Shimmer if it's a colt. And that's final! Just be happy I'll let you hold it from time to time. And change its diapers. And maybe sing it to sleep and tuck it in. And, did I mention, changing its diapers?"
I did an epic spit take, made all the more epic by the fact that I had nothing in my mouth at the time. "You're...?!" I looked her up and down, giving her belly another squeeze, eliciting another yelp from her. Hah, no, it can't be... can it? Snubbing her horn honestly couldn't have... but then amidst all the cheap innuendo did I ever stop to confirm that two adults must in fact indulge in the pretzel dance to produce offspring here? Sure, there was fantasy and there was absurd, but can I really be certain? What if unicorn horns really are magic foalie buttons?
Oh macaroon me backwards, what if Crystal Heart was with foal too? How would I ever begin to deal with a filly Crystal Heart? With a crash helmet and a running jump out of the top floor, probably.
"Yes, I'm with foal." Sunset huffed with more certainty than me, "I suppose we will have to start preparing for the worst. The poor thing might be born completely bald like you, or, worse, with your brain."
"By the flaming macaroon goddess, you're right." I gasped in horror. "It might end up being smart enough to figure out sexual reproduction!"
"Th-that's why..." She muttered under her breath, "I... I'll take any punishment. Just... let me stay here."
"Punishment?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Well... I deserve punishment anyway, I know. I am not without a conscience, or shame, unlike you." She huffed, "I did fillynap 1000 ponies, mares and fillies alike. A lot of them had no other place to go, to be fair, but nopony sane would willingly be a living sacrifice to some evil dark overlord... which actually makes me wonder about the sanity of a few of them. Anyway, most of them were frightened out of their minds, and for good reason too. Anything could have happened to them in that dark ritual. They could have been vapourized, eaten, or, worse, ruined for marriage. Nopony knew what unsightly, hideous and repulsive evil could have crawled out."
"Yeah, me." I said.
"My point exactly." She said, crossing her hooves.
"I'd offer a shovel but you're doing very well with that hole." I said.
"And worst of all..." She sighed, "I tried to mind-control you. That's...pretty much what Ahuizotl does to us every day of our waking nightmare. To do that to somepony else..." She shuddered under my arm, "I... I'm sorry, alright?" She muttered through gritted teeth. "I-It was just insurance, in case y'know, but there's no excuse." She sighed, "I'll take any punishment, do whatever."
Ah, so it was guilt. The question is, why would an evil sorceress who had sacrificed 1000 mares in a dark ritual to summon a dark demonic overlord feel any guilt at all? Or, perhaps, she had been feeling guilty all along but had been counting on her ends to justify her means. But now that the ends were no longer in sight after she lost control over whatever that ritual was, the guilt had returned with a vengeance.
It probably didn't help that she believed she was with foal. She probably felt she needed to earn her acceptance here for her foal's sake, and the first step would be atonement.
I stopped by a window and planted her on the wide windowsill, allowing her to sit back on her haunches, her cold cerulean eyes level with mine. "You're right. A crime's a crime." I began, levelly. I watched her tense up, biting her lip as she awaited my verdict. "Our Empire is in its infancy. We must set good precedence and examples. Which is why this will be the worst, most painful, most humiliating punishment ever doled out in our Empire to date."
"Just... just get it over with." She spat, gritting her teeth as she gazed down at her hooves.
I picked my words carefully. It must, after all, sound like a convincing sentence, while of course cunningly not setting any precedence for anything that might happen in the future. "Sunset Shimmer, you are charged with involving innocents in a dark ritual that resulted in the resurrection of the evil dark overdude, me, for stealing and flying an airship without the appropriate license to do either, and for attempting to develop a potentially explosive weapon of mass destruction by mixing a 1000 year old spell with ice cream and nachos inside a biological reactor, again, me. You are hereby sentenced to a life serving out your punishment. For as long as you remain here in the Empire, you shall remain by my side as my loyal aide and companion. You will work to protect the lives and wellbeing of our people and to ultimately save all of Equus. You will prove to all the world that your actions up till’ today were for the sake of this world's salvation. If along the way we ruin Ass-whose-shot for marriage where his sun don't shine, we'll take that as a bonus."
"Wait, that's it?!" She demanded in derisive disbelief.
"And you'll be wearing cute little tinker bells from now on." I said as an afterthought. She winced visibly at her fate. "Oh, don't worry, I don't even know what pony darts is." I paused, before adding with relish, "Yet..."
"A-Alright... f-f-fine." She whimpered. "N-no more... p-please."
The bells were something I had considered for Lyra, to make it easier for me to keep tabs on her. But if there was one pony I definitely didn't want to lose track of, it's Sunset. Ideally I'd like to have a leash or a google tag on her, but bells were the next best thing.
"One last thing." I added.
"T-there's more?!" She squeaked.
"Oh yes..." She shut her eyes tight apprehensively. "Your crime and sentence will be a secret between the two of us."
"W-what?" She balked. "But... why?"
"If you work hard at your sentence, a day will come when you will be celebrated by all ponykind for what you did here." I said, "When that day comes, your crime will cease being a crime."
"Wait! Justice doesn't work that way!" She said, stamping a hoof down, "There's black and white; nothing in between!"
"I'm the Emperor here. It can be pink if I say so." I shrugged. "Besides, if you do have a foal... your foal should never ever have to grow up with your crimes." I allowed my brows to knit into a little scowl before I could stop myself.
"Do you... do you honestly believe that?" She asked quietly, her sapphire eyes shimmering hopefully in the aurora light. "I've... I've prepared myself to be the traitor to ponykind... to be damned to Tartarus." She bowed her head, allowing the moon to splash cold silver across her fiery mane. "C-can I... can I really be forgiven?"
"That will all depend on you. But that should be nothing to the great Sunset Shimmer." I gave her a grin of encouragement.
I heard the briefest of muffled sniffles before two deep glimmering pools of royal blue peered back up at my eyes, filled to the brim with fiery determination. "Of course!" She snapped, her voice once again confident, if a little strained. "I shall be the one to save all 1000 ponies... no, all of ponykind! And I shall clean my hooves on Ahuizotl on my way out!" She declared, stomping a hoof down in burning defiance of the world. Sparks of magic erupted forth from under her hoof, lighting up her flaming mane.
"Perfect. I'll just go home now, shall I?" I chuckled.
"Yes, but I'll let you clean your hooves on the rest of his Empire on the way out." She said, waving a generous hoof at me.
"By the way, the '1000' ponies; did you seriously count each and every one?" I asked, doing my best to avoid gloating with brimming mirth. It proved difficult.
"Huh? Well, duh. 1000, virgins too." She rolled her eyes, "Magic's a precise science. Nopony knows what could have happened if we were one degree off during the ritual. Thanks to my awesomeful ingenuity and careful attention to detail, we will never find out!"
"Never, huh?" My grin grew wider. "So... what exactly is a 'virgin', Sunset?"
"A pony who has never kissed with their tongues before." I swear she'll be looking through the back of her head by the end of the night with how much she's rolling her eyes. It's alright, she won't be any less adorable with how unbelievably innocent she is. "You're lucky the intelligent and generous me is willing to patiently teach you all the difficult things in life."
I'm starting to get an idea of why they got the pizza delivery call centre instead of the mail order evil overlord hotline. But I am a champion of innocence, I would not dare poke her little naive bubble. Poking fun at math fail, however, is fair game to me. "Just putting this out there, there are 998 ponies here, excluding you and Crystal Heart."
"Wait, we didn't drop any on the wa—... oh." She blinked, horror dawning in her eyes. "I... uh." She blustered.
"Yep, you yourself are part of my big welcome hamper." I grinned, watching her burn the colour of her namesake. "You're welcome."
"That... uh... aargh." She clutched her smoking head in her hooves, "Hah! Well, f-fine, you m-might as well take r-responsibility for ruining me while yo-you're at it! N-not that I care or anything! Hmph!" She huffed, turning her face away, gazing at the window latch with such wilful ferocity I was impressed the crystal did not melt under her gaze.
"I was just teasing, Sunset." I chuckled, leaning back against the wall as I laughed my fill. "Consider the joke at your expense part of your punishment."
"Wai-... but... " She rounded on me, suddenly looking aghast. "But... what about m-my... "
Ahah. So it does mean that much to her. My little ruse to confirm it worked, though now I was left with the question of how to deal with it.
Well, roll with it, I guess. Like a man.
"In all seriousness, I know how hard you've worked to keep yourself and your horn pure. Considering the world you've grown up in, you've done amazingly well." I said, before taking a deep breath. "And while I'm not much, I am at the very least a man. I will take responsibility and make an honest mare of you, as long as it is something that you truly wish for, something that would make you truly happy. I promise I'd make you all that much happier."
I heard a little squeak in response. I looked around at her and found her staring at me, wide-eyed, hooves clasped over her mouth. She was quick to look away to pout up at the moon. I could almost imagine the moon shying away behind a nearby cloud under her glare. "Hmmph! As if anypony would ever even look at the likes of y-y-you!" She blurted out, blowing up her cheeks as if trying to out-round the moon. "Count yourself lucky that I am magnanimous and generous enough to at least consider joining your herd! Our foal deserves to at least grow up in a loving herd!"
Hmmm, 'a loving herd'? What she said suggested that herds are an actual social norm here, not just the misogynistic practice of that big dick of an emperor with his herd size bed. It likely paralleled herbivore herding instincts back home, except with sentience backing it up. Interesting. I filed this under 'For Further Study'. I decided I should withhold my own human views on what I perceive as chauvinistic misogyny. Remember, I'm in Rome! (In before Rome burns!)
"You're our overlord now." She said, raising a hoof as if lecturing me, "You have an image to uphold. And you will have a herd worthy of an overlord! Just be thankful of the lengths I am willing to go to ensure that!"
"I'm sure you'll do in a pinch." I grinned, ruffling her mane. I'm sure I've earned at least that privilege.
"W-what's that su-supposed t-to mean?!" She stomped a hoof angrily as she headbutted my hand away. "I'll have you know, many stallions don't even get to dream about me!"
"Yeah, they have nightmares." I said, earning myself a glare hot enough to wilt my wang and melt my balls.
"You're going to have to work on your sweet-talking if you're going to have any hope of having a respectable herd," She pointed out. "Not that any amount of sweet-talking from you will ever earn you my MLP!" She added with a huff. "I'm not a cheap a mare as Twiley."
"Hoho, so you know of my secret little fetish?" I whispered ominously. "You know of my little pony collection?"
"Of course! You need to stop underestimating the Shimmer!" Sunset snapped. Her voice, however, shook with just the slightest hint of anxiety.
"Oh, trust me, I won't. I shall not rest until you give it to me." I chuckled creepily, my breathing heavy and raspy with desire, "I shall not stop until you are but a plaything in my hands." I cackled, manically, wiggling my fingers obscenely in her direction. I half-expected thunder to punctuate my declaration, for lighting to silhouette my shadow reaching out for the shocked Sunset.
Instead, I got a muffled chuckle, "Ahah, found you, your lordship. I would have been content to sit and watch. Unfortunately our business isn't one that we can really delay all night long." It was Redheart, giving me a knowing little wink no less. "I can let you two get back to it after. I'll even give the lady a little something to get her back in the mood again."
"Get back, mud-tail." Sunset growled, leaping down onto the ground at my feet, horn suddenly erupting with fiery red magic as she rounded on Redheart while stepping in front of me. "Who are you and why are you here? This part of the palace isn't even active." She demanded.
"I'm a nurse, my 'why' is 'everypony'." She smiled disarmingly, though I could see her legs tensing in the darkness, as if ready to deliver some earth-pony brand curb-stomping in self defence if necessary.
"Calm down, Sunset. That's Nurse Redheart. She runs the infirmary we're looking for." I said. "Redheart, this is Sunset Shimmer, our..."
"We all know her." Redheart nodded with a guarded smile. "We owe her for bringing us here. What we owe still remains to be seen... but it looks promising." She said diplomatically.
I noticed something then. The mares I'm with, at least the horned ones so far, seem to always react with hostility towards strangers who address me directly. In fact they seem to instinctively leap in front of me, stooping down as if ready to strike. I could recall Crystal Heart and Lyra doing just that, and now Sunset too. I couldn't help but wonder why that was.
"Oh, you found him, Redheart dear." The familiar form of Rarity trotted up the corridor behind Redheart.
"Not difficult. I have a nose for his sort of trouble." Redheart gave me a little smile. "Oh, don't give me that look. I approve of such healthy behaviour, as long as it's safe." She raised a hoof to chuckle into. "Oh, but then, Ms. Crystal Heart wants things as unsafe as possible." She sighed, dramatically. "Oh, the moral dilemma tears me apart."
"I'll show you 'unsafe'. Something else will tear you apart soon if you don't can it." Sunset muttered under her breath.
"Oh I do so apologize, your lordship." Rarity said, catching up with us. "I honestly thought we were managing. Applejack has been a real dear and helped deliver most of the medical supplies. I've done my best getting all four of the impromptu infirmaries we found brought together into one place. Ms. Crystal Heart came by to show us where the main infirmary is and we've moved everypony there."
"Well, that sounds perfect." I said. "Why the apology?"
"Well, you see, we hit a little bit of a snag. While some of us can read passably, unfortunately none of us can write." She sighed. "Thing is, it looks like we will be needing Twilight's help after all."
"Oh, right... Twilight." I muttered to myself. Darn it, I had one job. How'd I forget to ask her?
"Is that all?" Sunset asked, raising an eyebrow. "Whatever Twiley can do, I can do better. Leave it to the magnificent me." She said, gesturing imperiously at herself. "Show me." She commanded.
I just smiled as I watched her follow after Rarity and Redheart. Yes, she'll be just fine.
The full moon had climbed to its full height, sailing upon the waves of aurora light in the sky outside. Its bluish silver glow cast a soft radiance upon the crystalline walls that made up the dim infirmary. The only other illumination in the gloom came from the occasional pulse of light coursing through the crystal circuitry in the walls on their way to the various crystal-powered equipment.
In the centre of the long gallery of medical bays was the large, circular nursing station built into a grand spiral of crystal that spanned from the ground to the ceiling. On one side, labouring under a little pool of crystal light, was a unicorn, her horn glowing gently as she maneuvered a quill across one last roll of parchment. "There, that's the last one." Sunset said, passing the last of the patient notes to Redheart in a burst of magic. "Name, details, description of ailment and current treatment plan, all complete.”
"Thank you, Ms. Shimmer." Redheart said, taking the sheet of paper in her mouth and placing it in a waiting folder.
“I’m curious though.” Sunset said, frowning, “Why are the treatment plans just lots and lots of these repository things?”
“Oh, it’s quick and easy to deliver, and everypony recovers oh so quickly with them.” Redheart chuckled, “Some even get better at the mere mention of them. That’s how good they are.”
“Interesting. Sounds like me, but as a drug.” Sunset said as she stretched her forehooves over her head a little as she looked around, "I shall start sorting out this mess by listing the inventory tomorrow. It’ll be easy, it’s mainly just mountaints and mountains of these ‘repository’ things. And it's not like you're all not able to read, so it really shouldn't take you long to learn how to write too. We can start tomorrow."
“Thank you, Ms. Shimmer.” Redheart said. "Not just for this." She added, nodding at the many grand bays that made up the Crystal infirmary. "But also for bringing us here."
Sunset looked up in surprise at this. "Thank you? Wait, you're... thanking... me? For...fillynapping you?"
"Yes, yes I am." Redheart nodded, giving Sunset a warm smile. She gave a little sigh as she regarded the patients resting in their individual bays. "Up until today, all I had ever done is extend the suffering of everypony I cared for. But now... now I'm beginning to believe I may be returning them to a life worth living. It's all thanks to him. And to you for bringing us to him."
"Uh...umm..." Sunset looked about awkwardly for a moment. "Oh, n-need to l-list w-what we need for t-tomorrow. That really is Twiley's forte. Why is she never here when we need her?" She muttered, hopping off her chair and stalking off. Redheart could only chuckle and shake her head at her departing back.
Redheart finally turned her attention to the figure sitting hunched by a bed in one corner. She trotted up to it before raising a hoof to its knee to gain its attention.
"Oh, hello, Redheart." I had barely registered her hoof on my knee.
"Thought I'd mention, we've explained your triage system to everypony." She said, cheerfully. "It's really quite marvellous, your lordship, having one of us sort out and prioritize our patients' needs and have everypony else work through the list of priorities. Are you certain you're not a medical professional?"
"No. Otherwise I'd be doing something more useful." I sighed, gazing down at the heartbreaking form before me.
There were nineteen ill patients, mares and fillies alike, mostly suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. Those were not too difficult to manage. There were a few other local diseases. One particular ailment I had become acquainted with very quickly - it was an illness akin to our human 'smoker's lung', a sickness known locally as 'Diamond Lungs'. It is contracted through extended exposure to the dusty air inside gem mines.
"She, she thanked me, Redheart." I murmured, eyeing the sleeping form of the little earth pony filly tucked under the infirmary bed's soft blanket. "Her name's Sunny Daze. She loved to fly kites she made herself. That was before they put her in the gem mines." I gripped the edge of the blanket in my fists. "She remembers the last time she properly saw the sky, Redheart. It was three years ago." I muttered, listening to the little golden blonde filly's soft breathing misting up the crystal breathing mask strapped to her muzzle. "She lost her father to a mining accident. She lost her mother to diamond lungs. That was two years ago." I could feel my teeth grind as a low guttural growl escaped my throat.
A-Whose-Shot. Adult ponies are one thing and I've got your endless shit list for that. But innocent little fillies? Really? Did you really have to go there?
"Calm down." Redheart's hoof on my knee was like a much-needed anchor in my swelling storm of rage. "Or your wounds might open up again." She pointed up at the wound on my cheek, contorted and twisted to near-breaking in my expression of anger.
"How can I?!" I demanded heatedly. "She...she..."
"Because it doesn't help. If anything it'll just give us another wound to treat." Redheart snapped, giving me a harsh glare. Her expression quickly softened as mine did. "If we get upset over every single story that comes in here, we'd never get anywhere with our job." She nodded at the other patients sleeping soundly in their bays. "And as our leader, this is a fact you will have to learn, and soon." She gave me a sad little smile, "You carry a harsh burden, your lordship, one that will often demand you keep your eyes upon the horizon. You may not always be able to stop and hold the hooves of every single pony on your way."
I hung my head at this. She was right, of course. I cannot hold Sunny Daze's hoof all day, neither will it help, not her, not the other sick ones here, and definitely not the rest of the Empire or ponykind. Damned messiah complex.
"Your lordship... " Redheart gave me a comforting smile as she placed a hoof softly on my cheek, shepherding my eyes gently towards hers once more, "I'm just a little mare. I don't know how to deal with all those big things. But I'm good at all these little things. So I and everypony else here will take care of the all the little things as we know you would, so that you may carry on leading us through the big things."
"I..." I sighed, mustering a little smile, "Redheart, you really know how to make people feel better, don't you?"
"It's my job." She gave me another one of her reassuring winks. "I'd better be good at it." She turned around to head back to her nursing desk, pausing along the way to pull what looked like a big fluffy white cloth off the table with her mouth. "Woud chou min' giffin' me a hoof?" She asked, voice muffled by the fabric she held up. As she held it up I got a good look at what it was; a white nurse's cardigan, complete with what looked like some sort of crystalline insignia on the back.
"Sure." I said, getting off my sad rump and followed her over to the nursing desk. She leapt up onto a folding cot behind the desk and perched on her haunches. She then raised her forehooves to slide them into her cardigan, pulling the sleeve back with her mouth. Unlike the unicorns with their convenient magic, earth ponies seemed to have to make do with their mouths. It didn't seem all that comfortable, but then they must be used to it. But surely this cardigan would have been easier to wear if it were designed to be worn backwards with the buttons on the back? And why buttons? Why not some sort of zipper with a long chain or something?
As I helped her put her cardigan on my eyes settled upon the quill. Surely that was also unicorn-only. How would earth ponies work quills? Using one's mouth would only get one a very dry and feathery tongue afterwards. Perhaps the more dexterous unicorns designed everything, and the other tribes simply followed suit? But then why not design everything to be more pony friendly?
Unless they were copying some other race, a race with hands and digits? Lyra seemed to know quite a bit about hands. I should remember to ask her next time I get the chance.
"You're right. There's more I can do for Sunny Daze and the others than sit here watching her." I finally said as I finished helping her with her cardigan. "Thank you, Redheart." I gave her a smile of earnest gratitude.
"Think nothing of it." She gave me a slow smile as she settled back on her haunches, balancing forwards on her forehooves. I noted her posture, recalled the sitting posture of the ponies back at the party, before looking down at the chairs lining the circular nursing desk. They all had back rests. Why? Nobody with that kind of sitting posture would ever use back rests. Why bother when long couches would make more sense?
I filed that away alongside my question on hands, for later perusal.
"Is that your cot?" I asked, curiously, as I looked through Sunset's handiwork. "There are plenty of beds upstairs." I point out.
"Yes." She said, patting a hoof on the cot, "There is no rest for the wicked. I can't serve without rest, so I will at least rest beside the wicked."
"Surely you can take turns with the others?" I asked.
"Yes. Sweetheart and Tenderheart have the night shift. I do the day shift with Snowheart." She said. “I prefer day shifts. Night shifts make me feel so naughty.” She chuckled.
"Then you could go get some sleep somewhere more comfortable." I said.
"This is where I am most comfortable. I wouldn't be able to sleep worrying otherwise." She said, running a hoof through her mane sheepishly.
"You live and breathe your job, huh?" I said, feeling a little envious. I really should have gone and become a doctor, if only I had the money to pull through medical school. But that's another life entirely now. "Sweetheart, Tenderheart, Snowheart... a lot of hearts." I said, thoughtful, "Is it a medical pony thing? I'm guessing hearts feature on their marks too."
"Yes and yes, your lordship. This 'Overdude Sense' everypony's talking about is uncanny, isn't it?" She chuckled into a hoof. "Which is why I don't begrudge my mark appearing. It seems to reflect what I live to do. And gaining the mark meant I got to care for those who truly needed it, other runaway refugees like me." She sighed, "Well, not entirely true, but that's what I try and convince myself." She said, peering up at the soft pulses of light coursing through the crystal pillar at the centre of the nursing station.
"What's stopping you?" I asked, curiously.
"The truth is, this entire world is sick." She said, her grim smile set aglow by the pulsing light. "And there are times when I wish I could simply wrap up the whole world in a big warm blanket and whisper to it that everything will be alright." She chuckled forlornly to herself, "Call me a silly filly, but that's just what I am."
Now where have I heard that before? I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. "Sorry, no, I'm not chuckling at you, more at myself." I said, standing up, wearing a sudden goofy grin. She gave me a quizzical look. "There is a nurse in my world who once thought that. She is now forever remembered as the mother of all nurses." I said, "She lives on as an inspiration, through the hands of every nurse who serves in my world today. In that way, she truly has cast a big warm blanket across our entire world."
"It must be a beautiful world then, your lordship." Nurse Redheart sighed enviously.
"It... could have been." I conceded. "Hold onto those thoughts, Redheart. This world needs them more than ever. And if you'll let me help, let this Empire be the first thread of your big warm blanket."
After all, who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
"Y-your lordship..." Redheart seemed taken aback somewhat.
“In fact, I need an expert to advise me on the secrets of the pony body.” I said, “Would you be my health advisor to my interim government, Redheart?” I asked.
"I'm just a humble nurse, your lordship. But I trust in your judgement." She gave me a little nod. "That's officiallese for 'yeah, sure'. Just show me the plot, I'll bring the suppositories." She threw in a wide grin as well.
"We're on then." I offered her a fist which she promptly hoof-bumped. It was surprisingly soft for an equine hoof.
Yet another flash of prismatic light lit up the infirmary as a small, pinkish white orb of light floated down gently. We watched as it floated over little Sunny Daze before gently hovering over her blankets, picking it up and softly tucking the little filly in. It then soared back up over us, orbited slowly as if casting an eye over the entire infirmary, before finally landing on my palm.
"Looks like the magic word is 'suppository'." I murmured, eyeing the little figurine of Redheart, standing tall and vigilant on the palm of my hand. These things really are popping out faster than popcorn kernels.
"Ahah, so these Am-ail-pees everypony's been talking about aren't unicorn-only." Redheart said, pulling her own MLP out of her own little black orb of light. "I'm sure there are ponies out there who will be interested in hearing that." Looks like word about the MLPs really has spread about. I had a sneaking suspicion Lyra was turning that particular rumour mill. "I think you'll want to make one with a pegasus, and soon." Redheart said, setting her little MLP figurine on her nursing desk and eyeing it curiously. "It's only been a few hours and there are already ugly rumours flying about, no pun intended."
"That I'm playing favourites?" I asked.
"To put it bluntly, yes." Redheart said, "A few are keeping a cool head, saying it's just a matter of time and it's only been a few hours since you arrived. But the rest grow restless already."
"That bad?" I winced.
"If I may speak freely, yes, I'm afraid so." She looked around. Satisfied we had our privacy, she continued in a low whisper, "And you having 7 unicorn followers already certainly doesn't help. I can't speak for the pegasi but the earth ponies are getting worried that this Empire will be a unicornarchy."
"Wait, 7? I only have 3 unicorn followers." I quickly counted. Twilight, Lyra, Rarity, yep, only 3 horned poni-...oh, Crystal Heart counted as a unicorn? She probably does as far as the earth ponies are concerned. But where'd the other 3 unicorns come from? Oh, I've been seen talking to Dinky, Trixie and Sunset as well, haven't I? Ah, I see.
"Yes." Redheart nodded at the understanding dawning on my face. "Even those you are seen with will count now. Of course we have no way of knowing who has one of your am-ail-pees and who doesn't. So the most cynical of us will assume any and all ponies you're close to are am-ail-pee bearers."
"So now I have to be careful with who I'm seen speaking to as well." I sighed. "Unicornarchy, huh? Judging by the fact that that is a word, this has happened before?" I raised an eyebrow.
"It's what pony society used to default to, before Ass-hat-all. In fact, the world under Nightmare Moon's scourge was a Unicornarchy." Redheart said.
"Nightmare Moon?" I asked, looking up at the moon floating outside the windows. That was when I noticed her for the first time. A dark, subtle shadow peered disdainfully down at me. I've heard of the 'man in the moon', but this was truly a 'mare-in-the-moon'.
"It's a long story, your lordship." Redheart said, "I'll let one of the more accomplished scholars tell you the whole story. But long story short, both unicorns and pegasi are known to fight over power and slaves. Unicorns tend to have the upper hoof and many of the reigning governments in our history have often been unicornarchies."
"Slaves?" I balked at this.
"Mostly earth ponies like me." She said. Ah, so not only is there racial tension, there's a lot of historical grudges too. This can get complicated, really fast.
"I'm... sorry to hear that." Was all I could manage.
"Your lordship, I personally don't care." She shrugged. "I treat any and all ponies who walk into my clinic equally. And I am not about to question your rule, not with all that we owe you. This is simply a little bit of advice from a bystander. The earth ponies will probably grumble loudly at most, but the pegasi...they are likely to rebel if they begin to believe we're heading towards a unicornarchy."
I realize now that Twilight had been putting it rather lightly earlier, doing her best not to worry me. But Redheart has put it into clearer perspective. It's not even a matter of the MLPs anymore, it's a matter of the company I keep.
"Oh flying macaroons..." I sighed. Different world, same crud. Well, I'll need to start thinking of a solution. But in the mean time patching the holes to keep this ship afloat was the priority. "I’ve already asked you to join my interim government, but I may need to you make public appearances with me as well. It’s important that earth ponies and pegasi are also seen to be involved in our government." I said. "Would you be alright with that, Redheart?"
"Being a figurehead? I don't mind." She chuckled lightly, "Whatever keeps your flock together. Besides, I would love the chance to make suppositories a legal mode of drug delivery."
"Wait, what?" I blinked. "It's illegal?" Not that I'm surprised.
"It's banned under Ahuizotelian law as an abomination unto his name." Huh, so the ponce can be sensible sometimes?
"What's he got stuck up his backside then?" I asked.
"Apparently he doesn't like how they look a lot like his face." I take it back, he's still just a self-obsessed ponce.
"Motion passed, pun intended." I declared, "Bonus points if you can make the suppositories and the resulting products in his exact image."
"Your wish is my command, your lordship." She gave a little bow, "Our chamber pots shall never be more justified."
"I look forwards to it." I grinned, getting up to leave. "Oh, one more thing before I leave." I said, pausing by her cot. "Tell me, Redheart, does squeezing a unicorn's horn cause foals to pop out the other end?" I asked. I just had to know, dammit.
She stared at me, like a pony caught in the mad-lamps. Then, slowly, almost cautiously, she extended a hoof to my forehead. "Are...you feeling alright, your lordship? Perhaps the injury was deeper than we thought." She murmured, worriedly. "Would you like to lie down? I have a suppository that would go straight to your head and…."
"Alright, alright, that's all the answers I need." I said, quickly, before beating a hasty retreat out the reach of Redheart and her illegal toys.
"Oh, she's quite right, you know." Rarity had joined me as we made our way back to the lifts. I saw more ponies trotting by now, blankets and pillows balanced on their backs as they sought out one of the ground level dormitories. Most of them seemed to be earth ponies. Perhaps they were more comfortable closer to the ground?
"What? I didn't know you're into suppositories too, Rarity." I raised a quirky eyebrow.
"Not that." She blushed furiously at their very mentioning. Interesting reaction. "No, no, dear, I'm talking about the matter of the three tribes. Redheart had done her best to, how shall we say it, sugarcoat the matter." Rarity went on to say.
"That's sugarcoating?" I groaned. "Kind of sparing on the glaze then. How can it be worse? You're going to tell me teenagers here fawn over cheap sparkly unicorn-earth-pony paperback romances next?"
"The fact is, the three tribes won't play it quite as nice as she puts it. They won't stop at keeping tabs on who's who in your inner circle. There will be spies, oh yes. In fact, there could be spies right now." Rarity gave a little pause. We both looked around us, as if expecting the shadows to suddenly sprout eyes. "I declare, I do not make a habit of speaking ill of my fellow ponies, but have you considered why Lyra has taken such an interest in you?" She cocked an eyebrow at me.
Lyra? A spy? But she's looking out for me and...is really stealthy, was very quick to approach me, even quicker at establishing herself as a figure in my newfound 'religion', and was even quicker still at giving me a boner with her lyre. Huh, who would've thought? If I were the faction with the smallest numbers who is discriminated against the most, what would I do in a revolution? Why, seize as much power as I could as quickly as I could.
And even if it were not true, if Lyra was truly just acting for my sake, the apparent fact remains that I have 'seven' unicorn followers right off the bat. The other two races would certainly see that as the unicorns seizing power.
"Still, Lyra isn't the sort to work with anypony." Rarity said thoughtfully, "She always preferred to work alone, that one."
"That's... good to hear." I quite like Lyra. I wouldn't like to think she was a spy serving someone else's interests. And surely the MLP was proof enough of her loyalty to my cause?
"You can bet your hooves the pegasi and earth ponies have eyes watching you. And many will approach you soon enough. The unicorns too will not back down and will be quick to curry favours with you and those of us who are already your crusaders." Rarity said, grimly.
"You too?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, a few have already tried." Rarity winked. "I certainly love the attention, but Rarity's not for sale, oh no."
"Thank you, Rarity." I gave her a smile. For some reason I felt she was being genuine. I could only hope I was right. "I might have to warn Twilight then." I said.
"Twilight couldn't see a plot even if it were sitting on her face wearing all seven flagrances of chilli beans on hay." Rarity said, waving a dismissive hoof. "I wouldn't worry about her. She will be much too absorbed in timetabling everypony's potty breaks."
"Hmm, I'll need to speak to her about timetabling dedicated noogie time then." I said.
"I don't know how the earth ponies will play it, but the unicorns and pegasi will certainly be aggressive." Rarity warned. "The pegasi especially so. You can count on one of them approaching you soon, maybe even tonight. And knowing them, the topic will likely veer towards something like our military forces."
"The pegasi are the warrior race then, I take it?" I surmised.
"We are a peaceful race as a whole, but we have at times shown some capability for violence. The pegasi certainly lend themselves to violence a little more readily than the rest." Rarity nodded.
"I see." I nodded. "No doubt their priority would be to see a pegasus made general of whatever armed forces we set up."
"A very powerful position, certainly." Rarity nodded. "Considering that is all the physical power under the hooves of one pony. I shiver at the very thought, your lordship."
So do I. I will have to raise a military force, sooner or later, that much is obvious. But I would need to do it in such a way as to not bias power towards any one race. Making the general a unicorn was one possibility, but from what Redheart and Rarity tells me this would lead to a pegasi revolt very, very quickly. I wonder if there's a leaf I might be able to steal from some nation somewhere in my own world?
A sudden shiver ran up my spine. I felt a pair of eyes staring at me, through me, almost stripping me naked down to the very minerals that make up my body.
I quickly found said pair of eyes. They belonged to the slate-gray mare we had noticed sharing some hot tongue action with the wall earlier. Now that I got to look at her closer I noticed she was all very earthy colours, from her slate-gray fur to her straight silky pale lilac mane and tail. Even the dark gray utility dress she wore was a dark stony gray I couldn't help but imagine her camouflaged against a mountain or a public restroom somewhere, eyeing everything silently. And she was doing just that but in plain sight as she stood there in the middle of the corridor, still as a monolith. A very intense monolith.
She stared at me. I stared back. Then a flash of light blinded us both. I looked up. Seriously?! A gray blob of light fell from the ceiling lazily, straight down. It didn't even bounce as it came to rest languidly on the crystal tiles beneath us.
How? Why? What the holy fluting macaroons is that thing even doing there? I make ponies poop out MLPs just by looking at them now?! Why is the light pulsing as if it's panting at me? Oh by holiest chaste and sweet macaroons, Crystal Heart, I don't want these MLPs anymore. Please, take them away!
"Hold it right there, dearie!" Rarity stomped a hoof in front of me as she placed herself between me and the mare. "Just what is the meaning of this?" She demanded.
Interesting, whatever the instinct was that drove them to show hostility to any mare approaching me, it was ingrained in Rarity too. I'm not about to generalize over a sample size of 4 horned ponies, but it was a start.
There was a dimmer flash of light as the little jet black orb flew down as well. For some reason this one decided to fly straight for Rarity. Instead of dryhumping her horn, however, this one decided to hide behind her thick, luscious mane.
Was that orb...shivering? Was that... fear?
The mare stared at us both intently with half-lidded eyes sharp enough to cut throats and taxes. We stood there, in what felt like the longest staring cold war ever. When she finally opened her mouth, we held our breaths.
"I'm Maud." She said.
And this is my old friend, silence.
"I'm...Rarity." Rarity finally said, uncertainly. It was difficult to stay hostile when your opponent looked about as threatening as a wall. "And this is our lordship, the... uhh... overdude." She said, gesturing a hoof at me.
"The music." She said, in a voice as flat and featureless as a tombstone. "What was it?"
"The rock earlier?" I said.
"It rocked. Here." She said, pointing a hoof at her chest.
"I-I see."
"And here." She added, pointing further down as she bit the hem of her skirt and pulled it up to indicate her... uuh...
We stared, glazing over faster than a donut in a caramel vat.
"Darling, no! Not here!" Rarity finally broke the silence with a squeak. “Oh, quick, somepony, a towel! Get a towel!” She waved her hooves frantically.
"Your rock." She said, looking back up at me, leaving her skirt hiked up around her waist. "It was hard. Like a rock."
"O-kay?" I blink.
"It felt hard inside." She said. "Me." She added, as an afterthought.
"O-kaaaaaaaay." I would have turned and signalled the retreat with my own, except my body seemed petrified under her gaze.
"I came. Five times." She declared with all the excitement of reading an epitaph."Hard." She added.
More silence. We practically heard the world turning.
"Well... done?" I finally said, uncertainly.
"Yes, indeed. And now you can... go? Once?" Rarity suggested, anxiously.
“I find you almost as desirable as a rock.” She said. “I wish to compare your hardness.”
“T-that is very flattering, but I’ve got a three month waiting list!” I said.
"I desire it." She said, taking a step forwards. Rarity and I took a big step backwards. "Coitus with you, that is."
"W-woah, slow down, you need to build up towards this sort of thing!" I point out. “We can start with talking... or... waving at each other... from a distance.” Rarity gave a gasp of agreement as she fell back on her haunches, clutching the trembling little black orb protectively.
"Rocks can be dirty. So can I." She asserted, "I can make you... rock hard. Like a rock." She took another step towards me, hoof-falls upon the crystal flooring like heavy slamming sarcophagi. "I can... rock your world."
"W-wait! T-think o-of t-the k-kiddies!" I squeaked.
"I am." She replied. "I want to have your foals. Right now."
Something finally cracked. It may have been me. It may have been the world. But I wasn't sitting around to find out.
"Hold that thought." I said.
"Alright." She replied, giving me a little nod.
“Excuse me, Rarity. I need to go find my balls. I think I left them in the infirmary.” With that, I turned. Then, in a burst of speed that would have left olympic athletes eating sonic booms, I tore away in the opposite direction.
When I finally dared look back, I quickly regretted doing so for the rest of my life. There, zooming after me, racking up frequent flyer miles like an intercontinental ballistic missile, was the little streaking orb of gray light.
"AAAAAAAAAAARGGGH!" Never, ever, have I been so afraid of something so little and so bright. Except for that one time when my five-year old cousin asked me how her little sister was made. "CRYSTAL HEAAAAAAAAAAAAART!" I shrieked like a ninny as I ran all the way for the elevators.
I dive-rolled into the first one and repeatedly bashed the holographic button for the royal apartments. I sweated like an impotent hippo in mating season as I eyed the corridor behind me. Then, as sure as bubble-wrap's sexy, it appeared, floating around the corner ominously. I could almost hear the orb of light revving up as it accelerated down the corridor towards the open elevator.
"GO! LIFT! DO YOUR THING! UP UP AND AWAY, LIFT!" I pumped my finger through the button so fast I could have made porn actors drool.
Finally, the magical force field closed over the lift and the door. The little gray glow bashed into the force field so fast it left a massive heart-shaped crack in the shimmering magic. Thankfully it wasn't able to smash through.
I heaved a sigh of relief as I sank to my knees, allowing myself to finally catch my breath. I stared out of the clear crystal glass that contained the little pillar of pink light that was the elevator shaft, watching as the dark rolling hills of the Empire slowly fell away beneath me.
My eyes slowly widened. No... By holy macaroon babe goddesses, no...
There, streaking up after the elevator, trailing a ghostly wispy trail of light, was the little orb, flying up after me.
This is karma, isn't it? Karma for ruining Sunset for marriage, for bubble-wrapping Crystal Heart's horn, for ever existing. Please, please, deliver me from that thing, and I promise, I promise I'll always check the use-by-date on condom wrappings...
A short while later found me finally settled in my bed, sufficiently calmed down from my escape from between that rock and a hot place. The little gray orb had knocked against the windows a good few times before it finally gave up and flew off. Reveling in the absolute fool-proof safety of my bedroom, I finally calmed down enough to sigh contentedly at the feel of the fresh linen underneath me. It was so dreamily soft, it was as if someone had plucked the very clouds out of the sky and stuffed them in a mattress. Come to think of it, that was actually very probable.
I smiled at the thought. Anything, everything, is possible here. I could actually go as far as believe good might be able to win here. It's only been a few hours since I arrived but we had already achieved quite a bit. I was already getting giddy imagining what we might achieve tomorrow.
A soft jingling filled my ears, subtly interrupting my thoughts. I propped myself up to take a look at the source.
My eyes boggled a bit as they tried to find a single point to focus on. I finally found my voice along with my jaw somewhere around my feet. "That's...a lot." I finally managed to say.
"What? You asked for it." Sunset muttered, her expression threatening cold murder. "Gem-butt helped me with these." She growled, glaring down at what was probably Rarity's handiwork.
Two pairs of whitish pink thighhigh socks embraced all four of her legs, secured about her thighs by bright pink ribbons. Their main feature, however, were the bells hanging from said ribbons. This was complimented by a large ribbon strapped about her neck bearing a bow and one large bell. The whole look was completed by the array of smaller ribbons and bells tied into her flaming mane and tail.
I hadn't expected her to take it quite this seriously. But she showed that she was ready to commit to her atonement. All I had to do was make sure she followed through with the rest of her sentence.
"It's got a nice ring to it." I said, drolly. "Bell-lieve me."
"Oh, you're absolutely killing me here." She feigned laughter as she turned to leave. "I see your wit and puns take a nosedive when you're tired. Go to sleep before I make you."
"Why don't you stay and do just that?" I said as I flopped over onto my front and propped my chin up in my hands. "Let me show you what else can take a nosedive." I grinned a predatory grin.
"Your sanity, obviously." She muttered, shaking her head.
"Insanity loves company. And seriously, lovin' and pimpin' as she is, I don't want to be alone with Crystal Heart in my bedroom at night." I added.
"Crystal's here?" Sunset looked around, "Or are your eyes staring out of your plot again?"
"I'm right here, you know, Master." Crystal Heart's muffled voice sailed up from underneath my bed.
"My point exactly." I said, "And if you're done stalking me down there you can join us up here."
"How did you see through my power-conservation-mode stealth protocol?" She asked.
"I know you'd be there cause that's where all my dirty stuff like porn and bubblewrap gravitate." I said.
"Hmph, very well, it would be rude of me with guests. Allow me to turn this off first." Crystal Heart said. There were a few clunks, beeps, whirrs, even a sproing. Something rolled out from underneath my bed, rolled all the way into a corner, vibrated loudly against the chamber pot from earlier for a while, before finally going quiet.
"Is this the ejection seat function you're working on for my bed?" I asked, quizzically.
"Ejaculation seat function? No, but that sounds like something the Enrichment Centre should work on next. Hmmm, perhaps one that could improve the arc and trajectory while accelerating the missiles..." I heard the sound of a quill scratching on parchment underneath me. "As for this, no, I am tuning your vibrating bed. It is set to vibrate at the natural frequency of your higher logic centres, effectively rendering them completely ineffectual." Crystal Heart, finally crawling out from underneath my bed.
"So we won't notice any differences then." Sunset said.
"The point is to release any restraining effects his higher logic might have upon his libido. But yes, my simulations project no real differences." Crystal Heart said.
"What exactly are you simulating and why?!" I demanded.
A loud crash interrupted us, turning our attention towards a nearby wall. My heart sank as I realized what it was. It was a hexagonal crystal grill, and it had fallen right off the wall. The edges of both the grill and the hole seemed to have been melted right off. There, in the dark hole that stretched out behind it, hovered a little dark gray orb, floating calmly, like some vengeful spirit waiting at the end of a long black tunnel.
"I knew these ventilation ducts would be the death of me." I muttered.
My horrified shrieks echoed through all 9000 hooves of the Citadel's ventilation network.
1000 Vignette Mares - Chapter 1 - Good Honest Ground
1000 Vignette Mares - Vignette 1 - Good Honest Ground
Time: End of Day 1, shortly after the Overdude escapes from Maud and her MLP Place: Living Area Dormitory Block D, Eastern Tower 'Chrysallis'
Applejack gave a long yawn wide enough to sink the Titanic in a sea of deathly sleepiness.
"Gee, Applejack, some things ya don't need ta share, ya know." Her little sister, Applebloom, shared a long, wide yawn of her own as she struggled to keep up on her much shorter legs. "Now ya gone and set me off too!"
"Everything sets ya off, Applebloom." Applejack replied half-mindedly, mind barely registering anything else as she trudged towards where her little group of friends had chosen to stable together. It was some place called a 'Darn Ornery Toy', or some weird alien thing like that. At least so far it looked like a regular old inn, if somewhat fancy-schmancy with all the high vaulted crystal walls and elaborate engravings in the pillars and ceilings. She was secretly hoping the walls won't get any taller than this, seeing as she was already getting altitude sickness just looking up at the dizzying heights of the long endless crystal corridors.
She's an earth pony. Earth ponies like the ground, and hate being reminded that there was anything beyond good honest earth. While they did like their closed spaces nice and roomy to avoid the claustrophobia common to all ponies, they begin to feel uncomfortable when the ceilings get any higher than a barn. These darkened corridors, now, they had long since made barns look like outhouses.
She wasn't one to complain, but she didn't quite feel at home here. Everything from the artificial feel of the soft fluffy sky blue carpeting of the living area to the coldness of the crystal that lined every single surface, nothing felt natural, nothing felt alive. Okay, she did feel the warmth from the pulses of light coursing through the walls and ceilings. She like all ponies could sense the powerful magic, even if it was just as a niggle, but there was outlandish 'magic' and there was good ol' honest mother nature.
Then there was the matter of them being so far away from their family they might as well have been banished to the moon. From how unnatural the night sky looked with all the waving shimmering colours hanging up there, she could almost believe it.
She looked down at her little sister who had rushed ahead to greet one of her fellow fillies further down by the end of the corridor. Applejack might survive as a runaway refugee, simply living wild in the wilderness, living off the land. But what of Applebloom? Life as a runaway was about as safe as bucking horse chestnut trees. She deserved a good, stable, and above all safe life, with good food and clean water. Applejack sighed. This was for the best; she knew it well, but why was this uncomfortable feeling eating away at her core?
If only good ol' Granny Smith were here to give her some timely advice. If only Big Mac's reassuring smile were here to tell her everything would be alright. If only Carrot Top and her... actually, no, Carrot Top can stay where she is, far far away from her. She is far far away, right? She was quite certain the silly filly was anything but a virgin. Hay, the turnip seed probably wouldn't know what a 'virgin' was if one was bucking her up the backside.
No. No! Applejack wasn't homesick. She decided when she escaped the inquisition with Applebloom that she would not drag those two into this mess. 'Ah can't bring 'em anymore trouble. These are mah problems ta carry meself.' She thought to herself angrily as she caught up with Applebloom.
"Whoaaah..." Applebloom gasped, eyes wide in awe as they were drawn towards something above them.
Applejack followed her gaze upwards. She quickly regretted doing so. Up above the interior of the Eastern Tower, stretched like the gaping maw of a tatzlwurm, were galleries. Galleries upon galleries spiralled above them, borne by magnificent crystal pillars and buttresses. Bright aurora light and moon silver spilled through the gigantic crystal skylight in the ceiling so far above Applejack almost felt herself falling towards it. The sight of the occasional pegasus flying up there, no doubt inhabiting the higher parts of the tower, did not help.
Applejack fought to keep control of her breathing. She scraped her hooves across the soft carpet, as if trying to dig them into the ground for support. Oh, these crystal mountain demons and their crystal Tartarus, why all this... all this... allness.
"Hey, Applejack, ya okay?" Applebloom's voice pulled her back to the ground where she belonged. "Ya don't look so good."
"Ah'm... Ah'm A-okay, Applebloom." Applejack muttered, pulling her hat low to blinker herself from the sight of the lofty tower above. Ignoring that, the center of the massive circular tower was actually quite pleasant, even for an earth pony like herself. Perhaps especially so. A set of steps led down before merging seamlessly with an indoor garden bearing grass, trees, miniature hillocks, even a little multi-tier waterfall leading into a stream that wound around the garden. The whole indoor paradise was lit up by crystal lanterns lining the pathways and the occasional crystal obelisk standing proud in the gardens. It filled the tower with the soft scent of dewy grass and night orchids, everything Applejack could ever want.
"Oh, there's Fluttershy." Applebloom said, pointing at the butter-yellow pegasus standing at a little bridge over the babbling stream set amidst the garden. The pegasus seemed to be in deep conversation with a little flock of creatures floating about in the air around her, glimmering softly in the dim light.
It wasn't difficult to pick out Fluttershy. There weren't many other ponies here in the Eastern Tower. Most ponies had chosen to join their respective tribes in their own towers. The Eastern Tower was the one tower as yet 'unclaimed' and had, in the short few hours since they arrived, became the defacto tower for those who wished to not align themselves with any one tribe.
"Hello, Fluttershy!" Applebloom cried, running up to her.
"E-Eeeep!" Fluttershy leapt a good ten hooves into the air. Her panic seemed to double as she realized she had another ten hooves to fall straight down into the stream below. Her little wings flared out as she flapped them in a futile attempt to gain purchase. Despite that, she still fell just as helplessly.
Applejack winced as a quiet little splash claimed Fluttershy's flightless form. "Fluttershy, ya okay?" She asked, quickly cantering down to the stream's edge.
"O-oh, I-I'm a-alright, I think." Fluttershy murmured, meekly. "I-I'm s-sorry about that." Such was Fluttershy, perhaps the only pony in the world who would apologize for being sent flying into a stream of cold water.
"Sugarcube, if anythin', Applebloom here owes ya an apology." Applejack said as she helped pull her friend out of the stream. "Ain't that right, Applebloom?" She gave her little sister a look.
"U-uhm... sorry, Fluttershy. Ah didn't mean ta scare ya like that." Applebloom said, apologetically.
"It's alright." Fluttershy smiled, shaking her hooves dry. "Thank you, Applejack." She murmured as Applejack pulled her by her hooves out of the stream. "Um, Applebloom, I thought all the fillies had their own room?"
"Yeah, but Applejack wouldn't let me join 'em." Applebloom muttered, kicking a hoof despondently.
"Ya can sleep with me perfectly fine like." Applejack declared. "Ah mean, how am I supposed ta check up on ya if yer all the way up there?"
"Maybe by not checking up on me every three minutes?" Applebloom muttered her suggestion.
"Well, we've got plenty of room, so I'm sure it won't be a problem, I think." Fluttershy said. She gave a quiet sneeze that sounded more like a soft, slow 'Hashuuu'.
"Let's get ya dry. Where'd Twiligh' say we're stablin' tonight?" Applejack asked, looking around. "Why'd this place hafta be so huge-like?" She muttered.
"Oh, it's right this way." Fluttershy said, "I can show you, if that's alright with you." She turned to lead the way. "I agree, this place is so scary big it's actually scary, you know. But it's also... friendly?"
"Friendly?" Applejack frowned. "How can this place be 'friendly'?"
"Umm... I don't know. I just feel it, it's like... what I imagine visiting a grandmother would be." Fluttershy said as she led Applejack and Applebloom towards a set of stairs.
Applejack glared at the stairs apprehensively. She finally sighed before allowing Fluttershy's words to distract her as she reluctantly began climbing. "A grandmother...?" Applejack's frown thickened until it threatened to inundate her eyes. She tried to imagine how this place was in any way like Granny Smith. It's... ancient? It doesn't listen to anything she says. It won't do anything she wants it to do. A little cranky, perhaps. And... drafty?
"You know, she'd be looking forwards to finally meeting you, but... she doesn't know exactly what to prepare. So she makes everything warm and tidy, and has everything ready to offer you. And all the time she's watching you, hoping for your approval. At least... that's what I think, I think." Fluttershy said. "It's that sort of kind, loving, honest feeling."
"Really?" Applejack looked around. She hadn't thought of it that way. It was true; the place seemed as if it had fallen head-over-heels giving them absolutely everything they would need, from helping them fight off the inquisitors, to feeding them, and now giving them a roof over their heads. "An 'honest' feeling, huh?" Maybe. Just maybe.
"It's... like him, you know." Fluttershy said, with a little smile. "A little big. Also a little scary. And maybe a little crazy." She said as they reached the first gallery overlooking the impressive garden.
"Just a little?" Applejack's eyebrows were now weight-lifting with her hat. While she was ready to give the place a chance, she still had a lot of reservations about the dude person. She wasn't sure what was bugging her about him, but she'd darn well find out.
"Well, you know, you have to be crazy to want to help us." Fluttershy pointed out, matter-of-factly. "Umm, I know you're very very nice, Applejack, but... would you face a big meanie-face god of everything for the sake of, well, insects? N-not to say insects aren't worth saving—I love insects, and, um..."
"Ah get yer meanin', Fluttershy." Applejack sighed. "And no, ta be honest with ya, Ah wouldn't. At least not against Ah-whats-it. Too much fer the likes of a hayseed like me. And Ah can't help but question, 'why' he would." She muttered.
"Well, perhaps, maybe, possibly, just because he wants to be, um, nice?" Fluttershy suggested, meekly, stopping in front of one of the many doors lining the gallery. "He's awfully honest in everything he says and does; maybe a little too much." She gave a quiet giggle, "So, maybe he's honestly, um, nice?"
"Someone nice to ponies." Applejack muttered again. "Huh, sure. That'll be the day."
"Maybe today is the day," Fluttershy said, pushing the door open.
"Holy apple cores..." Applebloom murmured, gazing into the room beyond. It was a little carpeted sitting area featuring a few comfortable-looking seats coloured in various soft hues of blue and lilac. The main feature was the merry crystal fireplace in one corner, blazing with a soft yellow crystal magic fire. But their eyes wandered little, choosing instead to focus upon the figure perched on the centre couch in a nest of parchment. A number of broken quills lay discarded and forgotten on the battlefield. Their last standing brethren was scratching furiously across a roll of parchment taller than Pinkie's imagination.
"Twiligh'...?" Applejack called out to the figure orchestrating the quill's last stand in her violet magic.
"Oh, hello, Applejack, Applebloom, Fluttershy." Twilight said without looking up. "One moment, I'm almost done timetabling everypony's potty breaks to ensure efficient use of our outhouse facilities as well as guarantee safety in numbers while travelling to and from the outhouses at all times of the day while making allowances for emergency usage, all while safeguarding productivity within the Empire. I've discovered experimentally that if I limit everypony to 5 strains it allows almost complete voidance in 95% of cases while ensuring efficient use of time. Now, I'm trying to decide whether to use the old-fashioned door-knock or use the Palace's sound-projection magic to announce everypony's names in turn." Twilight rattled off in one breath. "Oh, I gave you the golden hour, by the way, Applejack: 3.43 AM and 25 seconds, you get a whole 13 minutes and 42 seconds to yourself."
"Gee, thanks. Mighty generous of ya." Applejack's eyebrows were now at risk of ripping itself free of her forehead and flying off to obtain sentience in another plane of existence.
There was a rather gurgly noise of water flushing down a hole from deeper within the little apartment. The familiar form of Pinkie Pie slammed open a door. "Ducky's found Marelantis!" She declared, before slamming the door closed once more. Another ominous wet flushing noise echoed from within.
"What?" Applejack's eyebrows ascended to that magical place where good sarcastic eyebrows go, namely the inside of Applejack's hat.
"Pinkie Pie discovered this thing called the 'toilet' in there." Fluttershy said, pointing a hoof at the door. "It's like a chamber pot, but with a hole at the bottom."
"That's mighty useless fer a chamber pot then!" Applejack pointed out. This place was getting weirder and weirder, much too much for poor Applejack.
"Well, it kind of connects somewhere else." Fluttershy said.
"But, where? Ah wanna be certain where mah business goes, if ya know what Ah mean?" Applejack protested. "A good mare knows where she leaves her business, that's what mah gran' always says."
"Ah certainly ain't lettin' this Marelantis fella toy-let around with mah doo! There's common decency, even if it ain't so common 'round these parts. And little fillies too!" Applejack grumbled, getting ready to stomp over to this 'toy-let' thingy-ma-bob to show it what's what.
That was until her quest was interrupted by the door opening and slamming very violently behind her. "Quick!" A voice rasped breathlessly from her hindquarters. "Hide me!" It panted frenziedly.
"Oh, hello, Rarity." Fluttershy said, recognizing the familiar alabaster form of her friend, Rarity.
"Whoah, there, sugarcube, yer lookin' mighty frazzled up. Watcha got after ya, Cerberus? The tax-stallion?" Applejack asked.
"Worse." Rarity breathed, eyes wide as the gates of Tartarus. She opened the door just a fraction to peer out. "By Ahuiz- His Dudeness! She's found me!" She gasped, dashing forwards before pushing the couch bearing Twilight up against the door. Twilight, seemingly oblivious to being used as a doorstopper, simply carried on scribbling.
"I, I need to get out!" Rarity rasped, eyes flitting around the room wildly.
"Ms. Rarity." A soft, disembodied voice came from beyond the door.
"E-eeeeeeep!" Rarity's skin turned two shades paler from the pure white she already was. "I-I'm not here!" She called out.
"Then this is me thinking. To myself." The monotone voice outside said. "I understand. Your apprehension that is. About being left aside. I know. Because I understand rocks. That is how rocks feel. If they can feel. But they can't because they're rocks. And it's hard. Being a rock. So, I'm happy to involve you. Actively. For you, Rarity, I can be like a divergent fault line. I can go. Both ways. All the way. Metaphorically speaking. Because that was a metaphor. A romantic one. About me being flaming bisexual. Without actually flaming. Because that was figurative. In short. I can be very bisexual for you and him. I hope my speaking dirty and romantically pleases you. I mean 'dirty' in the sexual sense, not the filthy sense. But it can be in that sense too if that turns you on. At least sufficiently to get you to share your bed with me. For coitus that is. With him, but possibly with you too. A very big possibility."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rarity screamed. "Please, somepony! Anypony! Get me out of heeeeere!" She pleaded hysterically.
"Pinkie found a way to Marelantis?" Applebloom suggested, pointing at the toilet door.
"Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyou, Applebloom!" Rarity scooped the little filly up and gave her a tight squeeze and a wet kiss of thanks.
Applebloom quietly decided to make sure she called use of the bathroom next.
"Applejack, I entrust this to you." Rarity said, handing Applejack a little black orb of light.
"What do Ah do with this?" Applejack asked. A few slow, but heavy thuds sounded on the door behind them.
"Hide it. Eat it. I don't care. Just don't let her get it!" Rarity said, eyes widening as she watched the door bow inwards, its hinges creaking under whatever monstrous force was forcing it from the other side. "Gotta go! Ta!" She bounded over a chair, dashed for the toilet door, before disappearing inside. "Excuse me, darling! Got a date in Marelantis, like, right now!"
"Oooh, you're dating ducky? I didn't know that!" Pinkie's voice sailed out from behind the door. "Right this way then. Oh, and I'd hold my breath if I was you. The first steps a little bit of a doozy."
Applejack looked between the door, the black object, back at the door. She finally shrugged, pushed Twilight's couch aside, opened the door, before tossing the orb outside as hard as she could, right over the gallery's railing, into the indoor garden below.
There was a loud 'ow!' from somewhere in the distance followed by 'The great and powerful Trixie only accepts tribute in the form of gold and hot-looking fruit! Trixie does not accept... whatever this strange glowing testicular object is. Hey, you, gray mare over there! Do you know what this i-... wait, why are you looking at Trixie that way? No, stay back! Get away! Umm... please?'
A loud flushing noise ,followed by a louder gurgle, filled the room as if punctuating the night's events. Applejack shut the door. The rest of the night passed relatively uneventfully.
The Evil Overdude Sleep-talks, Sleep-walks and Sleep-s***s - Part 1
"Hmm hmm, Hello, ladies. Yes, I am indeed Nicholas Cage, and, yes, batteries are included. It says so on my box, beside '3 and up'."
"Master, please wake up."
"Hmmmna hmmna, where do you like your batteries, hmm? These even have tinker bells on, oh yeah."
"Initiating rapid wakening sequence. Master, look, 1000 very hot, curvaceous, bouncy, round, sexy members of the female race wearing very thin see-through bubble-wrap and nothing else are waiting for you."
"About time!" I rose up from bed faster than a fresh condom on a Saturday night, my brain on heat-seeker mode. Hey, you can't blame me. I have never gone this long without porn before. Or, at least, proper decent porn that does not involve pastel-coloured mares trying to talk dirty to me. Or throwing little homing pony figurines at me. Or both.
What greeted me looked more like 1000 very bouncy and round beach balls on legs. They all looked like a certain most loyal number one assistant too, except smaller, bouncier, made less sense and came in colour varieties that would put dildos to shame. I swear I saw a pistachio green one. Want.
And as if that wasn't confusing enough, they also wore what looked like paper origami boats of every possible colour on their heads. Each hat bore an Equine number, everything from '3' to '44/44' to a lot of random Equine script which I later found out read 'I lost count at around 213'.
They were all milling about the room, climbing over each other. I thought nothing would ever be able to make this massive room looked cramped. These little skittles had achieved that and then some. Made me wonder, did the number 2 and above assistants finally turn up? Or...oh, oh me, no. Please don't tell me...
"So... your horn really was a magic foalie button." I muttered weakly. "Excuse me, sorry, got off at the wrong nightmare." I promptly hit my pillow once more. "Wake me up when we reach boob city central."
"Master, get up this minute or I shall teach you the etymology of the word 'Nightmare' firsthoof." Crystal Heart threatened.
"You know..." I begin, in as calm a manner as I could muster, "Proper threatening is supposed to be done before it is carried out." I point out to the cerulean blue mare lying on top of me threatening to crush me under 60 pounds of adorable impassivity. "Not, in fact, when you are already trying to smother me under all manner of pink and glitter.”
"What makes you think I've carried out the threat?" Crystal Heart's deep blue eyes stared into my soul, as if daring me to risk its sanctity.
"Good point. I'm awake." I declared. “Very, very awake.”
"Tch." She clicked her tongue as if regretting something. "You can put that away, MiniHeart number 34."
"But, sex? Butt sex? Must have sex. Pony butt sex. So much sex," a squeaky little voice spoke out from under my bed. It was accompanied by a low vibrating hum of some sort. "Hey, you know what's so great about sex? Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, um...sex?"
"I said put it away, MiniHeart 34." Crystal Heart snapped.
"Oh, but, but, butt sex.." The voice squeaked. Crystal Heart let out a low guttural growl. "Oh...owkay." The voice murmured, crestfallen. The soft buzzing noise died away into whatever netherworld existed under my bed now.
"Put...what away?" I asked. "Do I even want to know, in fact?" I questioned myself.
"Step 1 of the rapid awakening sequence protocol." Crystal Heart said.
"Wait, what was that before with the 1000 very hot curvaceous bubble-wraps?"
"Step 2."
"Whatever that was down there was step 1?!" I balked.
"Yes. But technical faults in the system prevented its initial use." Crystal Heart sighed.
"The technical fault that just spoke?" I asked, secretly giving it my thanks.
"One of many." Crystal Heart shook her head. "The issue with the dragon running free in our ventilation system has prompted me to reactivate the empire's micro-management system, the MiniHearts. However, I'm not sure whether it's the power or 1000 years of disuse or just the old Emperor being a...a..."
"A dick?"
"Yes, that will do for a technical term. But yes, I am not sure why, but they are..." Crystal Heart looked down at the brilliant red MiniHeart trying to dry-hump my knee.
"Oh, look! Sex! Oh, wait, don't look!" It cried excitedly.
"Just like you. I am very sorry to hear that." I said, sympathetically. I secretly suspected it was not, in fact, 1000 years of disuse but 1000 years of Crystal Heart not getting any.
"I am still sitting atop you." Crystal Heart said, managing to make monotone statement of fact sound deathly threatening.
I nodded. "Noted. I'll shut up now."
"Tch, I was going to make you." she sighed. "But yes. The MiniHearts will require further calibration. At the moment, they will at best be able to fulfill an advisory role. We will still have to rely on the populace for full civic functionality. Never have I projected that civilians may be objectively more reliable than our Empire's management system."
“At this point wet tissue paper is more reliable, and probably less incendiary too.” I pointed out. "You know, I was worried for a moment that bubble-wrap was not enough protection." I said, eyeing the ones bouncing up and down on my bed, squeeing excitedly with each arc.
"Seriously, Master, it will take much more than that to get me pregnant." Crystal Heart huffed, impatiently.
"More?" I blink, blearily.
"Yes. I expect to orgasm a minimum of seven times in the process. That is the result of my most pessimistic scenario. A rigorous meta-analysis of my simulations, all 98.543.245.241 and a half indexed episodes, has resulted in an average orgasm count of..." Crystal Heart began.
"I'd offer you laxatives again but you, dudette, need something else entirely." I said. "A cold shower's a start."
"A very, very cold shower." I nodded. "Don't you count as one of the virgins? Doesn't that mean you haven't had any, ever?"
"I have very rigorous standards in reproductive mates." She said with an indignant huff. “I am otherwise a very eligible and desirable mare of ideal mating age.”
"Obviously." I rolled my eyes. "Now, what was it you interrupted my really hot and sexy battery-powered dream for?"
"1 + 1 = Sex. Sex + Sex = more sex. So much sex, MiniHeart lost count. Hey, hey, hey; MiniHeart hasn't even gotten to multiplication tables yet, but MiniHeart heard there's even more sex to be had there!" The crimson MiniHeart leapt up and down, waving a hoof at me, as if answering my question.
I looked between Crystal Heart and the little red MiniHeart I shall forever dub Pervyheart.
"Contrary to your opinion, I do have my priorities the right way around." Crystal Heart asserted. Her answer flew about as well as a brick burdened by little PervyHeart.
"That suggests that is on your priority list." I pointed out, examining PervyHeart with a slightly-restrained look of disgust.
"I see no problems with having 'preservation of our species' as a priority. But I shall postpone said priority in favour of more pressing ones." She replied, judiciously.
"Why are you still on top of me then?" I asked, pointedly.
"In case my priorities change. Given enough time the probability is 100%."
"Please get off me."
"It would be my pleasure to get off on y-..."
"You know what I mean."
"Very well." She finally rolled off me and onto the floor, landing neatly on all fours. "In straight answer to your question, Master, it is about subject Beatrix Lulamoon."
"Who the what now?"
"The one you call 'Trixie'. You asked me to alert you should she start moving about." She said, sitting back to look up at me.
"Oh, right. She's making her move then, is she?" I asked, getting up. At least it was easier to find my jeans this time. I found four MiniHearts playing tug-of-war over it while a fifth and a sixth bounced excitedly on the buttock portion. A small colony of them had made a nest of my jumper. My shirt, meanwhile… wait, what’s PervyHeart doing to my shirt? Oh, oh me, no! NO!
Suffice to say, the laundry cannot wait till Friday. As I wrestled my clothes onto my body, I decided a backup wardrobe of more durable and possibly fireproof clothing would be a very good idea.
"As we speak, yes." Crystal Heart nodded.
"Right." I nodded, sliding the suppository launchers onto my forearms and legs. They tightened themselves about my limbs snugly with a pneumatic hiss and the clink of metal bolts sliding home. Interestingly, the gems studding the sides glowed an ominous black instead of the mint-green I saw on Lyra's. "So, how do these work again?"
"Don't shoot yourself," Crystal Heart said. "Especially not with the bone-killer round. The Empire relies on your... I mean, you."
"Haha." I muttered, pulling my long dark overdude cape on. "No danger of that, considering I don't even know how to shoot."
"Critical Threat to Empire Survival Detected." Crystal Heart's deep cyan eyes glazed over as she froze, words coming out in urgent monotone. "We shall divert all resources to rework the flea powder into a potent cure for impotence as a matter of national urgenc—"
"I mean shoot the suppository launcher, Crystal Heart." I sighed.
"Master, I would urge you not to allow such misunderstandings to happen." Crystal Heart relaxed visibly. "Bloody succession wars, mass hysteria, economic collapse and flea powder shortages have occurred over questions of virility in the past," Crystal Heart said. "You simply will it to shoot, by the way. It is easier than intercourse, if that is even possible."
"Hot." I said as I watched the magazine on my right arm FIM spin before chambering a round with yet another pneumatic hiss and a click.
"It is dangerous to go alone. Here, take this with you." Crystal Heart's horn glowed a bright cyan as she levitated one of the MiniHearts up towards me.
"Oh, oh, is it that time already? Sexy times? Cause it's Sex O'Clock. On Sex Mean Time, it's always sex o'clock." PervyHeart chirped up at me excitedly.
"I think that would be more dangerous than going alone." I said. "Pass."
"You realize that was about as subliminal as a fist up where the sun don't shine, right?" I pointed out.
"If that's what you prefer then we can arrange..."
"Do I... really need one?" I was almost pleading.
"I have not been calibrated to judge the appropriateness of having appendages inserted up one's anatomical rear, but I can endeavour to advise you on..."
"I mean, do I really need a MiniHeart?" I asked, pointedly.
"They serve as my eyes and ears. They also make useful communication devices." Crystal Heart explained.
"You call that communication?" I blinked. "Just...choose me another one, if I really must go out with one." I sighed. Another one was levitated towards me, this one a deep midnight black with a silver mane sporting gray accents. Its hat bore many numbers all crossed out in deep red marks that looked suspiciously like tally marks.
"You want a good morning?" She muttered at me. "Well, the sun hasn't risen, so buck you."
"I like her already." I said.
"MiniHeart hates you too [insert bucktard here]. Would you like to set up a new password?" The MiniHeart asked.
"Err..." I looked between the odd little creature and Crystal Heart.
"Invalid password. Your password must contain a capital letter, a number, a symbol, an emoticon, a status update, cake, one goat and a virgin." The MiniHeart intoned. "Did you even read the bucktard manual?”
"Two of those I've actually got." I said. "All I need now is patience."
"It's bucking 5AM and MiniHeart's already run out. MiniHeart used to have enough to make day planners in the morning. But MiniHeart gave that up a few centuries ago when MiniHeart realized nopony ever follows MiniHeart's plans." The MiniHeart sighed.
"Let me guess, you got all the pleasant bits of Crystal Heart." I raised an eyebrow.
"Today's just a good day. MiniHeart hasn't had to unleash the vorpal rabbits yet." She replied as she was levitated over and draped over my right shoulder. "Oh, it's so high up here. Ah, MiniHeart sees, MiniHeart on top of your ego. MiniHeart can see your IQ aaaaall the way down there."
I raised an eyebrow at Crystal Heart. She merely gave me one of her usual impassive stares in reply. I sighed in resignation as I finally turned to to step my way through the writhing mass of MiniHearts that made up my bedroom floor.
"Oh, I'm going to need you to please be quiet in front of others." I quickly said as I placed my hand on the door knob.
"That's fine. MiniHeart will be too busy imagining their manes on fire." The MiniHeart said, gruffly.
And with that we set off in a silence about as companionable as a nuclear standoff.
The grand hall was dim, but there was enough light from the light pulsing through the walls for me to pick out one dark silhouette from the gloom. It helped that she had her horn glowing with a soft, bluish white light as she telekinetically dragged what looked like a big sack out from behind a crystal pillar. It also helped that she wasn't exactly the quietest of runaways.
"Stupid gray—if somewhat sexy—mare wallowing in her own heat juice. Silly testicular—if rather cute— dark fruit thing." She muttered under her breath as she slung the sack with a burst of her magic. She draped it across her back like a saddlebag. She took another moment to lift her pointy cap off the floor, dusting it off before setting it atop her head. She paused to give it a rackish tilt atop her mane with a touch of her magic.
With another burst of her magic, her star-spangled cloak flew up over her back, covering her saddlebags. "Well, Trixie has had enough of this oestrogen-marinated Empire and its oversized, if rather phallic, palace thing and all the sex-deprived virgins in he-...nyaah!" She cried as she turned around and found herself facing my crotch. The sight of me sent her recoiling backwards onto her haunches.
"A little early to be looking for butt-shaped fruit to boost your ego against." I said, picking up a peach that had rolled out of her sack. I stuffed it back in her pack before offering a hand to help her up.
"Wh-what are you doing here, OverButt?!" She demanded, smacking aside my hand with a hoof before scrabbling onto her legs. "Don't village idiots have office hours?!"
"For you, Trixie, I'm always on-call 24/7." I said with a smile, wringing the sting out of my hand. "Except for now. I'm actually on my way to get a midnight snack." I lied, practically oozing with glibness. "You don't happen to have a bulldozer on you, do you? A jackhammer perhaps? Kinda need one to make my sandwich."
"Starswirl's beard, it's five in the morning. Trixie'd tell you you're late for a midnight snack, but Trixie's starting to suspect you'd only understand that five hours later." Trixie huffed, stomping past me.
"Around you, Trixie, it's always midnight. Saturday night." I grinned.
"Oh, good. Trixie will just take the Saturday midnights with Trixie then." She said, walking on towards the massive double doors at the end of the hall. I didn't miss her turning her head slightly towards me, almost expectantly. "Uh, this is goodbye." She finally said, as if dropping the hint on my face.
"Oh, okay. Bye." I said simply, giving her a little wave as I turned to pluck a preservative shard off one of the storage blossoms. "Urgh, turnips. Why all of the turnips?" I muttered.
I saw her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Her look of disappointment was apparent. I'd say it was like reading a book, but this made 'The Hungry Caterpillar' look difficult.
"You're... not going to stop Trixie?" She finally asked, the uncertainty in her voice practically trembling like a hamster in need of the toilet.
"Oh, no, perish the thought." I shrugged as I bit into the turnip casually, before silently cursing myself. That was supposed to be a casual act, dammit! How is a turnip casual?! "I mean, it's a free country. Literally, ‘cause we haven't even outlawed common sense yet. You're as free to walk out the door as you are to shag teapots." I said, trying not to wince as I struggled to chew and swallow the turnip.
"I see. Then... this is goodbye." She said again, wrapping her cape tightly about herself as she set out down the long corridor towards the citadel's front hall.
"Yep. Byee-zeee~" I called out after her.
"Good riddance. One less prick on this cactus," SnarkyHeart quipped as she emerged from behind my shoulder, thankfully ignored by Trixie. "MiniHeart could drown emos in all this melodrama.”
"Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet." I smiled.
"Yeah, cause MiniHeart's already tired of rolling Miniheart’s eyes." SnarkyHeart grumbled.
I had only read of the expression. I had at times thought 'this was it, this is what it feels like'. But I realized there and then that I had all but imagined it before. This, this, is glorious air, so perfectly crisp and brisk, filled with all the subtle hints of spring's sweet promises. It was like silk upon my skin, like a wellspring of life in my chest. In the excitement the day before I had not paused to appreciate it. If I had, I probably would have done more than faint.
And the sweet, invigorating air was only the start of the sensory overload. The sky above was still aglow with the soft curtains of northern lights, all spiraling outwards from, to my surprise, our very citadel's summit. The lights curled about the spire like a blossom rippling in the morning breeze. And there, where the endless sky touched the line of snowcapped mountains, the soft shimmer of dawn crested over the peaks, promising a glorious day ahead.
As my steps echoed across the deserted main boulevard leading away from the citadel, I allowed my mind to wander. It took no great leap of imagination to see the mighty city that once stood here in between these grand boulevards. But now all that remained were hollow ruins and haunted derelicts of shattered, crumbling crystal. That 100.000 ponies once called this beautiful place home; the thought was beyond breathtaking.
The boulevard finally came to an end at an impressive wall of crystal monoliths joined by sharp, edged palisades that seemed wide enough for an entire army to walk on. Beyond, the boulevard gave way to a sheer drop—courtesy of the mighty plateau the main city rested upon. If I had had an aerial view, I would have noticed that the plateau's edges followed the contours of the outer wall, forming a natural star-fort.
A long staircase abutted by more crystal monoliths led down from the boulevard to the city's second tier; a wider, larger area with much larger and more complex crystal ruins, presumably once the warehouses and factories of the city's industrial district. Waterfalls gushing forth from the upper tier fed the many scenic canals that riddled the district, turning many still-functioning crystal water wheels that presumably used to drive the city's industrial machinery. Silhouetted against the faintly starry sky stood a few remaining crystal windmills, some still turning gently in the morning breeze. In the distance, a number of dizzyingly high arched pillars of crystal towered into the sky, bearing what were presumably tiers upon tiers of aqueducts from the mountains in the distance. The long boulevard finally met yet another high wall followed by another sheer drop off the wide plateau and into the flat planes below.
I finally made my way down the final set of steps into the third and last tier of the city. I found that it was one that housed mainly lush rolling hills dotted with the occasional verdant woodland as far as the eyes can see. As I walked down the long road through the third tier, I couldn't help but admire the stark beauty practically hand-sculpted into the landscape. Distant waterfalls in the mountains wound into soft, babbling rivers that fed and nurtured the vast third tier, presumably once the farming district.
Everything from the sweet smell of cherry blossoms and persimmon in the air, to the soft caress of the crisp breeze in my hair, to the taste of the early morning dew on my tongue; everything was perfection. But more noticeable was how sharp and vibrant everything was to my eyes. It was as if I was walking through a pastel painting, each and every colour dancing brightly before me. If I had any doubts remaining that I was in an alien world, that long morning walk washed it all away in a flow of serenity. No place on earth could be this breathtakingly perfect.
There was one thing, however, that continued to bother me. I couldn’t shake off the odd feeling that I was being watched, and it wasn’t SnarkyHeart as she was too busy glaring at everything around us with enough contempt to fuel Vesuvius three times over. But everything from the wind whistling through the few scattered crystal ruins to the absolute desolation of the land around us assured me we were entirely alone. Even the clear dawn sky abo-... wait, there was a single solitary cloud in the sky. And it was too small a puff to realistically hold together in the otherwise empty sky. Unless… huh, are those wings I see? A pegasus? Sure, I have been expecting spies, but this was rather obvious and brazen. This mare really was looking down on me, no pun intended.
Ah well, she can watch all she wanted. Trixie was already counted amongst the seven unicorns I have already been seen fraternizing with so the damage was already done so to speak. I decided to pay the pegasus no heed and continue to admire my surroundings.
I took it all in in blessed silence. My companion had chosen to remain silent as we walked down the long road towards the Empire's borders. I myself was content to allow her to fire the first shot, as it were. I had enough to keep myself occupied. She must have noticed this as she watched me admire the meadow of azure flowers to one side of the road. She gave a mischievous smile as she pursed her lips and blew a soft little whistle, reminiscent of morning birdsong. As one the meadow of flowers blossomed forth, revealing golden pollen that gleamed radiantly in the early dawn rays.
Their glow illuminated the impish smirk under the wide pointy hat as she turned to walk on, leaving me to pick up my jaw from the roadside. But not allowing me a moment to recover she picked up one of the flowers in a little spark of her azure magic, allowing it a slow orbit about her mane, trailing its glowing golden pollen in its wake. The pink blossoms adorning the trees on either side of the road suddenly took flight in a current of flapping pink. As they gathered in the wake of the golden pollen like a big pink cloud, their form became apparent to me; they were little pink butterflies.
“The Trixie flower.” She said, suddenly breaking the silence. She spun the little flower in her magic, causing it to suddenly take flight like a corkscrew, casting its radiant glow like a little firework display as it ascended. As it spun it returned Trixie’s birdsong like a whistling echo, attracting a flock of birds. As the birdsong filled the air, the entire field before us blossomed forth with more of little azure flowers, turning it into a sea of gold that glittered in the dawn light. “So, still think your deep butt-shaped fruit’s still as deep as Trixie’s namesake?” Trixie asked with a smirk.
“Okay, you win. I’ll shut up now.” Not that my slack jaw was much use for talking anymore.
“It’s a very showy flower with lots and lots of hidden tricks. You can even refine the pollen into fireworks. A flower truly worthy of sharing the great and powerful Trixie’s name.” She said proudly, turning around to walk on. “It’s not much use for anything else though; not some miracle cure, doesn’t even smell very nice. Once the show’s over, once everypony’s bored, once the magic’s run out, it’s just a weed that needs regular removal. That’s why it has to continue spreading to fresh pastures, just to survive.” She said, seemingly a little downcast as she watched the lone flower floating higher and higher up into the sky.
We walked on in silence to a backdrop of golden fields and clouds of pink butterflies. As we walked past the burnt wreckages of the two downed inquisition airships she finally spoke up once more. “Trixie’s a showmare.” She said, without any preamble. “Trixie used to travel all across the land, earning Trixie’s keep by putting on shows for those who need a smile. And believe Trixie when Trixie says there’s a lot of demand these days, even if they don’t know it. It’s never been easy, especially as street shows are prohibited by Taliconian law. But nothing stops the great and powerful Trixie, even when Trixie gets the cold shoulder from an audience, or even gets run out by the guard.”
She gave a sad little smile. “Trixie’s come across a lot of other actors. Trixie’s even generously shared her great stage with a few deserving ones. So Trixie knows an actor when Trixie sees one.” She shot me a look. “You’ve put on a very entertaining if rather tacky and overdone show so far, OverButt. That much the great and powerful Trixie will concede. But how long will the plebs remain entertained by your little show?”
I knew there was something I found fascinating about this azure mare. Now I knew what it was. She had seen right through the smokes and mirrors, even those put up by the ponies themselves in their desperate need for something to believe in. She herself felt no need to put me up on a high pedestal as an anchor of hope. She was ready to face the world as it was without a need for the safety blanket that was me. She always had stood alone and she’s determined to continue doing so.
“For as long as they need me.” I shrugged. “I will be whatever they need me to be.” She had told me everything I needed to confirm my suspicions. Now all I needed was a plan. Or I could, of course, just roll with it.
I decided to just roll with it. Because I can.
“Trixie supposes that is an acceptable answer, for a show-stallion.” She gave me a wan smile. “It’s good that you’ve found your stage, OverButt.” Seeing the knowing smile on my face, she quickly added, “Not that, uh, not that Trixie’s jealous or anything…” She huffed, looking away. "W-Why are you following Trixie, anyway?" She demanded in a poor attempt at covering up her awkwardness.
"I fell asleep from all the melodrama. This is me sleepwalking and sleep talking in my sleep while I'm sleeping." I replied, nonchalant.
"So, no different than usual then?" Trixie raised an eyebrow.
"I'm currently dreaming I'm shagging one of the hottest, most beautiful unicorns in Equus while taking her on a very long morning walk, so don't mind me at all." I said, offhand.
Trixie almost capsized and sank as my words rammed her with all the force of an iceberg to the face. The gobsmacked look it left behind was worth the life and limb I was risking, and then some.
"Oh, oh, I love you too, Trixie. Oh yeah, baby!" I added passionately for good measure.
"Wh-wh-wh..." Trixie's frozen-over expression finally shattered into a sputter of disbelief.
"Sorry, sleep talking, don't mind me." I said.
"Trixie does mind!" Trixie finally regained enough of her composure to snap at me, hopping on her hooves as if to drive home her anger. "Trixie minds enough that if you carry on like that, Trixie guarantees you you're so so bucked!"
"Yep, and enjoyin' every bit of it. Oh yeah, baby!" I cackled. "What do you mean your horn isn't a handlebar?! I need something to pull against and this was obviously designed for it! Oh, hmm, yes! You like it! I know you like it!"
"Trixie could blast you four dimensions across and two sideways right now!" She barked.
"What's stopping you?" I taunted her with a soft smile.
"Trixie is..." Trixie began, her voice still trembling as she fought to regain her balance.
"Oh, oh yes, Trixie, oh yeeeees! Walk it, walk it I say! Pump those hooves, hmmm!" I did a few rather violent hip thrusts to accentuate my passions. Oh, me, if I'm going to glitter-sprinkle hell for this, I will go in absolute style. "Seriously, girl, learn to walk before you shag on the road!"
3...2...1...
"That's it! Go buck a grave somewhere!" Her cry of anger filled the air. There was the now familiar crackle of unicorn magic, a zap, a brilliant flash of azure magic. The next thing I knew, I had been sent flying by a spell blast carrying all the momentum and ignominy of a pair of mating elephants. I would fist-pump and declare my score if I wasn't too busy bouncing across the perfectly beautiful landscape. At least SnarkyHeart made herself useful by using small bursts of her magic to cushion each landing. Unfortunately whatever magic barrier she used had all the elastic properties of an inflated condom, sending me flying for at least a mile if not two. All the while, a blue dot behind us cried "Ohmigosh Ohmigosh Ohmigosh!" as she frantically chased after us.
I decided to use my air time (harhar) in between bounces to go over my analysis once more. Now I'm an actor. Making stories come to life is my job, wielding emotion my passion, improvisation my tool and breaking my legs a job hazard. Now, as she's divulged, Trixie's a showmare, an actor like me. And if I know anything about actors, we don't just act in theatre, we make our entire lives our stage. From what I've gathered I could tell, she had a story in her head, one she's improvised into a tragic comedy starring herself. All her life she had sought recognition, but she has yet to find her place. At best she feels like a rather flashy ‘weed’ as she puts it. She had come to terms with that, to the point that she's decided to incorporate it into the tale she wove. She would be the shunned heroine who takes it upon herself to not burden others with her presence, to shoulder loneliness rather than inflict herself upon others. As such stories go, somewhere, sometime, close to the end, she would be allowed a moment to shine, and she would find the place she belonged, her ‘pasture’, even if it was in death. And she was determined to act it out to the end.
And she had decided that place wasn't here in the Crystal Empire for whatever reason. Perhaps because she felt she wasn't the main character here. And that was understandable, considering she was just another mare amongst a thousand.
Now she was ready to give me the time of day because like all actors she wanted an audience, a witness to her story. In fact that was probably why she was telling me, a complete stranger, so much about herself, believing we would likely never meet again. But I'm about to give her something more. I'm about to give her her big break, the main role she had been waiting for.
Who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
Now, she's already shown me an emotional reaction, effectively dropping me into the stage in her mind. I am now incorporated into her story, playing the part of the crazy but generally harmless cuckoo companion, an important comic relief side-character to any hero's fable. Now, the question is, how to land this bad boy? How do I give her the dramatic climax she so craves?
I suppose I could feign a severe injury on landing, beg her for 'friendship' or 'harmony' or something, depend on the MLP for the little special effects show, then tell her it was fate, destiny, etc. that she stand by my side in our struggle against Ahuizotl. Yes, that sounded like a decent scenario, one that was sure to convince her to stay. It was a bit of a gamble, but...
I felt cold, very very cold, all of a sudden. I looked around me in time to notice us soaring away from the tall crystal wall in between the monoliths that marked the Empire's border. Over it shimmered the pink shield, now growing more and more distant. Beneath us a pure white snowy landscape extended as far as the eyes can see, a sharp contrast to the verdant spring meadows underneath Crystal Heart's shield. And suddenly both the wall and the shield behind us dissolved into nothingness, leaving an empty barren landscape in its place. Ah, I see, the stealth generator was literally that, an invisibility cloak.
Hmmm, perhaps this was time to start worrying.
But before I could even start screaming like a pansy a deep cold grasp claimed me in the form of a thick embankment of snow, effectively stifling my scream and muffling out the world around me. As comedic convention would dictate, I could feel everything from the waist upwards immobilized in the snow drift, leaving nothing but my bum and my legs hanging free in the frigid air.
"Hey, OverButt!" Trixie's muffled voice reached me in my icy tomb, "Hey! You'd better be alive, cause not even the great and powerful Trixie can haul your OverButtness out of Tartarus!"
I felt a ticklish feeling, like very fine pins and needles, envelop the entirety of my backside. Ah, so that's how it felt to be groped by unicorn magic.
It was surprisingly hot. In more ways than one.
And the sentiment was flushed away unceremoniously by the indignity of being pulled out butt-first like an oversized cork. Obviously Trixie was not ready for the cork physics as I felt myself slam into her, sending us both sprawling into yet another snow drift. A tree above us decided to unload its snow on top of us for good measure.
"OverButt. Are you alive?"
"I can still hear you talk, so either that or I'm in hell."
"Trixie doubts it. The great and powerful Trixie is too great for sissy things like hell."
"Okay, we now have empirical evidence that we're both alive." I decided. "Now what?"
"Proximity sensors detect movement in the vicinity." SnarkyHeart announced. "Miniheart will translate for you; that means freeze now or be frozen food later. Miniheart doesn't care either way."
"Hey...what's the worst thing that could be out there?" I whispered. "Just, so, you know, I can be pleasantly surprised."
"Other than you? If Trixie had to say one thing, it'd probably be a dragon." Trixie whispered back. "But that's impossible. It's too cold and too far up north for a dragon."
"Now you said it. You realize you've just put a dragon there now." I muttered, putting a palm to my face as slowly and noiselessly as I could. "Tinker bell make-over says it's a dragon."
"By Starswirl's beard, if you win..." Trixie muttered.
As one we slowly rose out of our snowy grave to slowly survey our surroundings. We quickly found our mark, a big black figure standing out like a big black fire-breathing dragon on a snow white background. It was a big black fire-breathing dragon. There was no mistaking the massive leathery wings, the serpentine snout and the scaly hide. Everything about it screamed 'bigass deadly dragon of doom'.
"Trixie swears, Trixie didn't put that dragon there." Trixie muttered.
"I did say 'dramatic climax'. I did not say 'smouldering tragic end'." I muttered to myself.
"Assuming Direct Control." SnarkyHeart's eyes glowed brightly, her gem-like coat sparkling brilliantly. "Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Yes, 34, I see the red light. No, you cannot copulate with the red light."
"Crystal Heart." I whispered, "What the flute?!"
"Ah, you can hear me, Master. Good. I have an urgent matter to tell you." Crystal Heart said. "Border sensors detected subject Dinky Doo crossing the border just moments ago. She should still be somewhere in your vicinity. She will not be able to cross back inside without your help."
"Dinky?!" I gasped, feeling a cold iceberg of dread crash into the pits of my stomach.
"Tell me, pony! Where is your empire?! I know it has returned! And I shall prove it to the Dragon Moot at last!" I heard the dragon's roar shake the very ground we were sitting on.
"D-D-Dinky... Dinky doesn't know!" The more-than-familiar voice shattered the iceberg in my stomach, sending freezing cold shards deep into my heart.
"You're just a pony hatchling!” The dragon roared down at whatever it was it had clutched in its big fat claws. “You can't be far from your nest! And I know your nest is the Crystal Empire! And I shall have it, along with the dark overlord! Where. Is. It?! Tell me or there shall be consequences!"
"Dinky doesn't know!" Dinky’s stammer was suddenly gone in a burst of wilful conviction. "But Dinky will make sure you never find him!" She cried out.
"We need to..." Trixie's words were cut off by me rising out from behind the snow drift. "Don't you dare..." She hissed.
But no force in the universe, especially not common sense, could stop me then. “Hey, you!” I shouted, chambering a black round bearing a skull-and-crossbones mark into my arm-mounted suppository-launchers. “I’d call you a wanker, but if you don’t hurry up and put her down, me and my little friend here…” I aimed my FIM up at where the sun don’t shine, “...will make sure that word will only ever apply to your face.”
The Evil Overdude and the Elements of Epic - Part 2
"And you'd know all about wankers, would you?" At least a ton or two of scales and talons asked me in a low rumble reminiscent of a vibrator running on jet fuel ready to buck the world. "Seeing as you're about the size of the average hemi-prick." 2 stories of hulking serpentine doom loomed high as it turned to face us slowly with all the slow finality of a coffin lid swinging open. It was there and then that I realized why common sense is common. Because those who choose to ignore it select themselves out of the great circle of life, often painfully.
"You compare a lot, do you?" I asked, nervously. Trixie could only slap a hoof into her face from where she remained hidden behind the snow drift. SnarkyHeart chose that moment to lower her origami boat hat over her eyes.
"Why do you let your balls do all the talking?" SnarkyHeart hissed at me.
"Ssh, he doesn't know that." I hissed at SnarkyHeart. I don't know, actually. Maybe cause that way I get to blame them for everything wrong with my life. Or what's left of it. Like right there and then. Never, ever, has the magnitude of my folly been so apparent to me as that particular moment. When I say 'magnitude' I mean so hulkingly massive his balls alone eclipse the sun.
"Hahah, you're funny, for a minotaur. A hornless scrawny one at that. What happened? Somedrake got you by the horns?" The dragon laughed a laugh that boomed across the snow-laden hills, shaking snow loose from the trees and birds from their perches, "Let it not be said that drakes are not without manners! I am Lord Onyx, of Brood Blackwing, Clan Drakengard, scholar, explorer and drake of the ladies.
"Need to do a lot of exploring to find them, do you?" I raised an eyebrow, not satisfied with how deep my grave already was. "I can see why, with your pick-up lines."
"Where did MiniHeart 34 go?" SnarkyHeart suddenly spoke in Crystal Heart's voice again. There was a sudden harsh slam that somehow transmitted through, sounding unnatural as it came out of SnarkyHeart's mouth. "Lyra Heartstrings?! Where are you taking that MiniHeart?!" There was the sound of scrabbling hooves before it was cut short by a burst of static. Welp, there goes my ground support.
"And who are you, funny hornless minotaur?" The dragon asked, curiously.
I needed to stall for time. Thankfully I had one thousand years of procrastination experience under my belt. "You haven't seen funny yet, Dragon." I threw an arm out, pulling my cloak up into a billowing stream behind me. The edges promptly caught jet-black fire, courtesy of Trixie's quick thinking and quicker trigger on her horn. The effect wasn't lost on the dragon as his massive serpentine eyes widened noticeably. "Ponykind has a guardian protector. I am he. I am the Overdude! And I am everywhere there are ponies in need." As I finished two random geysers burst forth behind me, spewing hot air and gas sky high into the air. The pillar of hot natural gas caught fire from my cloak, turning them into pillars of raging fire. I could just about hear Trixie give out a squeak of panic. I would too, if I wasn't busy being frozen in absolute bladder-crushing terror.
Good thing it's so hot. I need my pants dry for when I start running like a pansy.
"Ooof. You're....everywhere alright." The dragon waved a claw in front of his snout, wrinkling his snout in disgust. "Phew, smells like my little sister after a little too much of her sulphur brimstone gems." He breathed as more geysers spewed flagrant hot gas into the air all around us.
I gathered up what little courage I had left, admitedly about enough to fill a little thimble, before topping it up with the sight of the frightened little Dinky. The resulting cocktail would have probably put absinthe to shame. "You, dragon, have stolen all the bucks I give." I barked, pointing at the quivering little Dinky in his claws. "And if you don't put her down right now something else will be absolutely everywhere. Here's a clue. It starts with your face and ends with your ass."
"There are those who would say the pony scourge deserves no quarter, not even the hatchlings." The dragon rumbled, "We, the last free dragons of Draconia, do not make for very good listeners. All I want from this little hatchling is directions." He gave me a long, appraising look. "Now, random pony protector, not even A-hot-sauce looks after every single one of his mangy Felis, and he's their meow. You really want me to believe you're here by coincidence?" The dragon suddenly chuckled, "Pony hatchling, who is this hornless minotaur to you?"
"D-D-Dinky...Dinky d-d-doesn't know who t-that is!" Dinky squeaked with courage that strained on my heart. "H-Honest!"
"See how brave this little pony hatchling is? Smart too. Not very good at lying though." The dragon leered at me. "So, Crystal Emperor, it's simple." He rolled the title like tyre-sized polos in his mouth, as if flaunting how easily he had figured me out. Dinky gasped at this, before breaking into quiet little sobs.
"S-s-sorry, M-Mr. Muffin...." She sniffled in between sobs, her little ears drooping low.
"Tell me where your Empire is and I won't need your little hatchling to show me the way." He said, with but a hint of a menacing growl, "It is but a simple favour I ask." He visibly tightened his claws about Dinky.
"Don't worry, Co-Overdudette. I'll keep you safe, promise." I said, soothingly, throwing all pretences out the window. As much as it pained me to negotiate with terrorists, the safety of my ponies came first. I would have to tell him, get Dinky back, then see about shutting him up, preferably with his own teeth.
It was then when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I allowed a small grin to cross my face. "My Empire is here." I began as I raised both arms up to gesture at everything around us. "Everything from the endless skies to the roots of the mountain, this world is my Empire." I declared grandiosely. "That means I own every inch of your dragon buttock. If you reach up your ass you might find the flag I planted there when I claimed it."
"You've got wit, I'll give you that." The dragon said, "Pity we'll never see the other half. Don't say I didn't try to-Graaaaaaah!" He cried, wringing the claw holding Dinky as a compact little thunder cloud peppered it with lightning bolts. The claw loosened before tossing Dinky high up into the air. As the dragon looked up, intent on recapturing his little hostage, he received a faceful of the most fiery fireworks facial to the face. The silhouette of a certain azure unicorn darted in between the trees behind the dragon as he let out a deafening shriek while flailing about like a headless chicken.
"Dinky!" I shouted, willing myself to rush forwards. Before my legs could obey my leg-mounted FIMs beat me to it, chambering a round with a pneumatic click. I felt the recoil as they both fired off their rounds into the ground. I heard the crack of crystal against snow and the clink of the spent casing being discharged. I looked down just in time to see a black sheet of crystal sprayed out beneath my feet before my legs lost traction on the slippery surface entirely. My stomach dropped along with my buttocks as the momentum sent me skidding forwards on my bum.
I recovered my bearings in time to see Dinky reach the top of her arc, screaming all the while. I spread my feet apart, slowing my skidding just enough to reposition myself to reach out and receive the falling filly. My very heart stopped as I felt the warm weight fall with a whoomp into my waiting arms. I quickly pulled her close against my chest, embracing the quivering little bundle of nerves as tightly as I could.
"Mr. Muffin!" She cried, throwing her quivering little hooves tightly about my neck as if her life depended on it.
"You're safe now, Dinky!" I declared. "Err...sort of." I added. My relief was short-lived. I quickly shoved her securely inside the back of my black turtleneck. She gave a squeak but obediently remained still behind me. A pair of big fat thrashing dragon drumsticks loomed overhead, threatening to stomp me flat into the ground. I threw my arms out, intent on steering us through the impending curb-stomping. As if reading my mind my arm-mounted FIMs spun and chambered another set of rounds before promptly firing them. As I slammed a hand into the snow a long, sharp sword-like shard of black crystal burst forth from the FIM. It impaled the ground, forming a pivot around which we catapulted ourselves into a tight turn, narrowly dodging one leg. I used my other arm-mounted blade to swerve around yet another incoming stomp. While I avoided the dragon threatening to tap dance on me, my head failed to avoid something big, leathery, pendulous and somewhat hot. The collision left me seeing stars for a bit. Whatever it was, it left our dragon friend howling as if his world had ended.
"OverButt!" Trixie waved a hoof as she called out from behind a large boulder a little way off. I corrected my course and aimed straight for her. Unfortunately the boulder got in the way, stupid boulder.
Trixie could only wince as I kissed the boulder full in the mouth with a rather painful splat. I think the only reason I'm not an unconscious pancake is SnarkyHeart's shield. "You. Are Hopeless. Without Trixie." Trixie muttered with disgust, peeling me off the rock with a wet plop using a burst of her telekinesis. She deftly pulled me behind the rock just as the dragon regained his vision.
"Not even my girlfriend has touched those!” The dragon roared with indignation at the whole world in general.
“Cherry booooy!” I recovered enough to shout out at him.
“Forget the Empire! I will burn you to a crisp and use your charcoal to clean my chamber pots!" He roared, his crimson serpentine eyes scanning back and forth for us. "I can actually smell you, you know! You smell like haven't taken a bath in one thousand years!" He raised his snout into the air and inhaled deeply before coughing and hacking violently, "Gah! This entire geyser smells like you!"
"That was dangerous." I panted for breath. "Flying flaming macaroons. We can't run back without leading cherry boy there straight into the Empire. I don’t want dragon butt all over my lawn!"
"No pain, no gain." Trixie whispered back, calmly.
"We're about to gain. A lot." I hissed back. "We need a plan." I stated the obvious, "And a prayer."
"Yeah." Trixie nodded in agreement, before dashing out again into the open.
"Hey! What about the plan?!" I shouted after her.
"Trixie's already got one! Go get your own, Overbutt!" Trixie shouted back, skidding to a halt in front of the dragon, legs spread wide, body low, horn lit up and aimed at her enemy in what I now recognized as the unicorn battle stance. "The great and powerful Trixie will now demonstrate how your face can magically turn every colour of the rainbow!" She shouted, horn glowing brighter and brighter.
"Hah! Yes, bring a unicorn to a man's fight!" The dragon laughed.
"Yes, try not to feel too envious of Trixie's magnificent horn!" Trixie fired off yet another barrage of fireworks and lightning, sending the dragon staggering back in pain.
"Master!" SnarkyHeart spoke in Crystal Heart's voice once more. "Lyra Heartstrings has taken MiniHeart 34 and...."
"...Used her to brainwash everyone into partaking in one big steaming orgy in my name?!" My mind conjured up the worst case scenario. And it was both horrific and glorious at the same time.
"No, even better. She's using MiniHeart 34 to project everything your MiniHeart is seeing live on a big screen in the grand hall." Crystal Heart said, "The citizens watched you save subject Dinky Doo. Faith and love is flowing in large amounts. In fact, Lyra Heartstrings is now leading another prayer. She's preaching about the size of your..." Her voice was cut off by yet another harsh burst of static.
"We're gonna need one, I think." I muttered to myself as dread welled up. “A prayer. Not...whatever it was Lyra was preaching about.”
"Miniheart magic reserves critical. Unable to sustain communication functions." SnarkyHeart announced, eyes dimming back to her usual bored stare. "That means shut up already, bucktard. Miniheart doesn't have the energy to deliver your verbal diarrhea anymore." Darn, I must have worn out her magic with all that bouncing around the Empire countryside.
"Mr. Muffin! That pony's in trouble!" Dinky cried, patting my head urgently from where she had popped out from my sweater. I peered out from behind the stone at where Dinky was pointing.
"My dragon hide says gecko to your magics!" The dragon declared as suspicious ripples of violet light spread across his scales. Suddenly Trixie's magical lightning and fireworks was about as effective as a nuclear-powered custard pie as they exploded harmlessly across the dragon's glowing scales. “My turn!” The dragon roared. Trixie gasped as the dragon took a deep breath, chest and neck muscles rippling dangerously. A raging inferno lit up in the depths of his throat as he opened his maw wide, as if ready to devour Trixie whole.
"Stay here, Dinky!" I shouted, putting a bewildered Dinky down on the ground before dashing forwards and diving right for the stupid idiotic crazy little azure mare. Before she could protest I grabbed her and pulled her close against my chest, my back up towards the approaching torrent of fire.
SnarkyHeart faithfully fired up her horn and raised her silver magical force field against the oncoming fire.
"W-what a-are you d-doing, s-stupid Overbutt!" Trixie cried as fierce white dragon fire parted behind me, surging furiously around the shield around us.
"MiniHeart magic reserves low." SnarkyHeart announced. The silver magical shield around us flickered, threatening to give way at any moment. "That means we're all bucked, bucktards." She translated helpfully.
"You were supposed to escape! T-this is T-Trixie's place!" Trixie protested as she struggled against my hold.
I actually heard a rather large Trixie-shaped vein pop in my head. "Like your unicorn-butt-flavoured macaroons it is!" I snapped angrily. "Your place is the grand stage that is Equus! And harassing my bum until you get there!"
"You d-don't get it!" Trixie cried, "This...this is the only way Trixie can make amends for e-everything!"
What?
Where'd that guilt come from? Here I was thinking I had all her emotional baggage weighed out and sorted, she throws me another one? An entire shipping container's worth no less?
Well, this wasn't the time nor the place. "I think a flashback moment here will kill us both so I'll just say this. You can't make amends from inside a fluting coffin." I said. "Death isn't making amends, it's just a bad excuse not to. I should know." This ship is sinking fast enough without me adding any of my own emotional baggage, so I'll spare it for now.
"T-then....w-what should Trixie do?" I heard her suddenly sob into my shoulder. "Tell me, what must I do?!" She cried.
I sighed, tightening my hold on her comfortingly. "Live and suffer." I muttered softly, "And if putting up with my butt isn't suffering, I don't know what is."
"O-Overbutt..." Trixie said amidst her sniffles, "That....that's the lamest thing I...Trixie has ever heard." She suddenly chuckled through her tears.
"Got plenty more for you to suffer through." I grinned.
"Fine. Show me." Trixie whispered, tightening her hooves about me. "Show Trixie suffering."
The shields frizzled and gave way. A fierce blinding light consumed us. For a moment I thought it was the fire finally claiming us. But as the light receded just enough for us to see, we found it was only something scarier.
"An MLP? Really, Trixie?" I asked, reaching out to grasp the glowing azure orb. "Is this really the time?!" I laughed as my hand closed over the little circle of familiar warmth.
"Oh, shut up! Trixie's already regretting this!" Trixie blushed furiously as she reached out and wrapped her hooves about her own little black orb. A brilliant white glow erupted from...her eyes?
"Trixie? What's going on?" I whispered. That's never happened before. Well, neither has an MLP forming ever conjured up a circular storm of light that repelled dragon fire, but I'd take what I can at the time.
"What?" Trixie asked, blinking her glowing white eyes at me, ruining the effect slightly. "Why are you staring at Trixie like that?" Said the azure unicorn with creepy glowing eyes threatening to blind me with her stare. "Who-whoah! Wait! H-hey, that tickles!" She squeaked as her hooves left the ground, her body slowly spiralling as she ascended into the air. I'd say gracefully, but all her flailing and flapping her hooves about sort of ruined the overall effect. She did glow like a disco ball though, complete with tendrils of prismatic light coiling and spiralling around her, so that was something. Ah, so that's where all the special effects budget went.
I was half-expecting some sort of transformation sequence. But instead I get another blinding flash as a shockwave of light washed over everything around us, blasting away snow and flames in a wide circle around us. Lush fresh grass complete with Trixie flowers bloomed where the snow cleared in an expanding circle beneath us.
I found myself facing Onyx once more. But this time it was his turn to wear a look of slack-jawed shock. I followed his gaze and found myself losing my own jaw somewhere around my ankles. There, sitting on my right shoulder, was a sparkling blue party balloon on stubby little legs, wearing the most triumphant smug look to ever grace something so adorably cute.
"Magic! So much magic! Witness, all!" She squeaked, her voice an entire octave higher. Shimmering tendrils of light spiralled all around her little body. Her very fur gleamed and glittered like a brilliant sapphire, pulsing with little rivulets of prismatic light. "Gaze upon an even greater and powerful-er Trixie!" She even came complete with the promised tinkerbell make-over with all the little ribbons and bells adorning her mane and tail. The frilly magical pony look was completed by a shimmering blue crystal breast plate clasped about her neck inscribed with her mark, complete with ribbons and bells of its own. I found myself wondering just how many walls I'd have to crush with my fist to reassert my manliness after this. But, dammit, it'll be worth it. "When Trixie is through with you, all future dragon eunuchs will be named after you!" She squeaked, her little horn glowing a radiant pale violet the colour of cute and sparkly doom.
"Err...Trixie, you look the shape, size and colour of a party balloon. You're about as bouncy as one. Heck, you're squeaking like one." I decided to point out, just in case.
"Look upon Trixie's magics, ye mighty, and despair!" She cackled, rearing back on her hind-hooves on my shoulder as little tendrils of prismatic light began to gather in her horn.
"Oh, okay, fine." I shrugged. Which was quite a feat considering I had the little avatar of snarky doom on one shoulder, the one of sparkly glittery death on the other. "Squeak away my little apocalypse." I shouted, aiming my right arm up at the dragon.
"Eat Rainbows, insignificantly-testicled dragon!" Trixie laughed, throwing her horn forwards as her horn erupted with a brilliant burst of magenta. An explosive barrage of fireworks whizzed down my extended arm, spiralling and careening straight for the dragon.
"GRAAAH!" The dragon roared, raising his claws to shield himself as the fireworks blossomed across his face in a fantastic display of colour and pain. "BWOOOH-eeeeep..." He squeaked as yet another struck his succession right in the fork, eliciting a high-pitched aria of demasculination. "-meeeeep!" He squeed as another struck in the same place, just because Trixie can be really evil like that. For some reason the magic was effective was once more. Perhaps dragon hide can only withstand so much magic?
"MiniHeart passive magic absorption rate rising." SnarkyHeart announced cooly, "Magic reserves adequate to resume communication functions." Her eyes glowed a bright white once more.
"Master? Can you read me? Systems read you are in fact still alive." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart with a hint of bewilderment. "And subject Beatrix Lulamoon has not only formed a contract with you but has activated her Crystal Element."
"Element?" I placed a hand on SnarkyHeart's head and turned it towards my other shoulder where Trixie now perched, cackling madly, drunk on her newfound power. "You mean whatever turned her into this +20 power-crazed glittering plushie of destruction threatening to adorabubble everyone to death?" I asked as Trixie sent another barrage of fireworks spiralling down my outstretched arm.
"Ah, yes, that is indeed the Crystal Element's doing. Well, everything but the size, actually. That is unexpected. Perhaps we still do not have enough power. Or maybe it all went into inflating her dangerously over-bloated ego?" Crystal Heart said.
"I think the ego came included with the batteries." I said, watching as Trixie began launching lightning bolts down my arm in addition to her fireworks barrages. "So the MLP actually boosts my ponies with glitter-steroids?"
"In a way. The Magic Linker Peripheral makes them your Crystal Elements, allowing them to channel the Crystal Empire's magic." Crystal Heart explained.
"An Element, huh?" The table of elements appeared in my head. Going by how she sounded I'd probably put Trixie down under Helium.
"Yes, they are your Elements of Revolu..." Crystal Heart went on.
"Elements of Epic." I finished for her. "Yes, that's it." I said as if settling the matter.
"Foaaaaal!" The dragon roared angrily. Yet another a faint violet ripple ran through his scales. "What part of impervious to all magics does your herbivore brains not comprehend?!" He demanded as, suddenly, the lightning blasts and fireworks barrages exploded on his hide harmlessly.
"The only thing you'll be eating after this is glitter through a straw, glittervore dragon of questionable scrotal mass!" Trixie shouted.
The dragon reared back, his broad scaly chest swelling with a sharp intake of breath. Heat from the geysers, fire from the surrounding flaming gas columns, all gathered in the fierce white furnace that was his mouth. Even the very air chilled as every bit of heat around us was drawn into his mother of all dragon breaths. "Magical readings rising exponentially. Miniheart shield will not withstand the projected force of this fireball. That means you're on your own, testicle-obsessed screwnut." SnarkyHeart said aside to Trixie.
"Er, Trixie, please tell me you got some sort of glitter-powered shield?" I asked, backing away slowly.
"Of course..." Trixie waved her glowing horn with a flourish. "...Trixie doesn't! Shields are for weaklings!" She finished with an indignant huff while casting something.
"Better weakling than smouldering!" I pointed out urgently. "Wait, something's smouldering already." I sniffed. I followed the smell and the faint hissing sound to my back. "Trixie, why is there a big fat firework rocket strapped to my back?" I demanded, realizing what her little spell had done.
"No need to feel inadequate. It's only mini-sized." Trixie pointed out.
"Mini or not, I'd DIE!" I snapped, "Oh holy son of a submariner, it's already lit!"
"Go forth, Overbutt! Shine and become a star!" Trixie pointed a hoof up at the sky. "Trixie has faith in you!"
"Like macaroons I will!" I willed both my leg FIMs to start spraying crystal sheets onto the ground. No sooner had the FIM rounds fired and the spent shells hit the snow that the rocket on my back roared to life, rumbling violently against my spine. Propelled by Trixie-brand insanity I skated off on the crystal sheet just as the dragon unleashed his mouthful of flaming inferno, spewing a continuous column of fire that cut a long smouldering gash into the surrounding forest.
"Hot! Hot!" I cried as I bent down like a very constipated speed ice skater, squeezing out every bit of speed out of the rocket. The dragon swept his column of fire after us, widening the gash in the forest. I swerved just inches ahead of the column, the flames licking at my balls threatening a very hot and painful end. "Dinky, jump!" I shouted as I aimed for Dinky, stooping down to scoop her up.
"H-Hello again, Mr. Muffin!" Dinky cried as she leapt into my arms.
"Hang on tight, Dinky!" I planted Dinky deep in my messy hair.
"Mr. Muffin, did you see that? Magic doesn't like violet. Every time Mr. Dragon's skin shines violet all the magic stops working." Dinky pointed out.
"Yes. His hide's not innately magic-proof. He has to boost it to keep up with Trixie. The question is how far it can go." I mused.
"We won't be going far at all if you don't pay attention to where we're going!" Trixie snapped.
"The rocket's too fast for me to steer with my feet now." I said, finding my skating now had about as much control as a clogged toilet. "Trixie, you steer the rocket."
"That would involve aiming your butt!" Trixie protested.
"Aim my butt then!"
"No!" She shouted. A jet of fire sheared off one of the ribbons and bells off her tail. "Oh, fine!" She leapt onto my back, straddled the rocket, before placing two hooves on my hips to steer it.
"Geyser! Geyser!" I shouted, pointing out the massive geyser right ahead of us.
"Got it! Got it!"
"We're still aiming straight for it!"
"Don't got it! Don't got it!"
One hot geyser blast later we found ourselves sent flying high up into the air. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" We screamed as one. Except for SnarkyHeart who was too busy holding her ears down.
"It's too early in the morning for horseapples." SnarkyHeart muttered, her silver shield glowing bright red from the geyser's heat.
To my pleasant surprise I found I was still able to skate. The FIMs were still spraying crystal ahead of me, forming a vertical aerial ramp. Feeling reckless, I pulled us up into a loop-de-loop, righting ourselves much to Trixie and Dinky's collective horror. SnarkyHeart, meanwhile, was eyeing me with murder in her eyes. So no different than usual.
We sailed forth on the crystalline aerial ramp, swerving and swinging around more fireballs as I got to grips with manipulating the FIMs by shifting my weight about. I wove crystal spirals and corkscrews as I maneuvered freely through the sky. Free-D Interspatial Manipulator - this gave the name a whole new dimension, pun intended.
"This can't be a good idea!" Trixie cried as I pulled off a very wobbly barrel-roll around a particularly tenacious barrage of fireballs.
"It's fine! Imperial Crystal's harder than steel. The only thing that can break through it is...." Horror dawned on me, "Uhh...dragon teeth." We looked behind us and saw the dragon bite through the little pillar of crystal we were skating on as if it were but a toothpick. "Uh oh."
The crystal ramp collapsed underneath us, bringing us down with it. The dragon was ready for us, maw gaping open beneath us, gathering flickers of light in the blazing white furnace in its throat. I felt Trixie bite the fastenings securing the rocket to my back, allowing it to fly free straight for the dragon's maw. There was a feeble flicker as it was swallowed up by the fiery glow.
"Well, that was useful." I said, before promptly breaking down into sissy panic mode. "Trixie! We're fish in a barrel here! Do something! Anything!"
"Fish! That's it!" Trixie's face screwed up into a look of intense concentration as magic gathered in her horn once more.
"Faster, Trixie, faster!" I cried in panic as we approached the massive smoking snout, falling straight for the flaming inferno.
"Got it!" Trixie cried as we fell past the dragon's jaws. There was a flash of her magenta magic. The world around us lit up with blazing white flames. But for some reason that's all it did. The flames roared around us, coursing in a wide circle as if we were sitting in a giant...
"Fishbowl?" I blinked, realizing what it was we were sitting in. It was a giant fish bowl, stuck fast in the dragon's open maw. “Why a fishbowl?” ‘When you can’t make magic shields’, I thought to myself silently.
"Trixie's been practicing making bigger and bigger fishbowls so that one day Trixie might be able to cover an entire city in an upside down fishbowl." Trixie explained, proudly.
"Uh, why?" Morbid curiosity got the better of me despite the urgency of our situation.
"What if Trixie wanted to keep Trixie's most hated nemesis out?" Trixie shrugged.
"Just put your name-sissy in the fish bowl?" Dinky suggested. "Whatever that is."
"Ooooh." Realization dawned on planet Trixie "Trixie knew that!" And almost immediately it was pulled into revolving around her.
"GEEERT OOOOOOUUUFFF!!!" The dragon roared as he swung his snout about violently while clawing at the fishbowl jammed in his jaws.
"Dinky thinks he wants us out!" Dinky cried as we bounced about inside the red hot fishbowl like the hottest, sexiest snowglobe ever.
"Me too!" I shouted, holding Dinky, Trixie and SnarkyHeart securely as I righted myself just long enough to take a running leap out of the bowl. Just in time too as the red hot glass chose that moment to crack and shatter under the strain.
"What now?" Trixie gasped as we sailed high up into the air in a burst of gleaming glass shards, leaving a violently thrashing dragon behind us.
"Call for help?" I suggested.
"HEEEEEEEEEELP!" Dinky squeaked at the top of her lungs.
"Okay!" A voice replied.
"Wait, what?" We all looked at one another. "Dinky, try that again." I said.
"Oh, owkay. HEEEEEEEELP!" Dinky squeaked again.
"I'm coming! At least, I think I'm coming." The voice said, a lot closer but a lot less certain this time, "Naughty sun's sort of in my poor eyes. Oh, wait...that isn't the sun. Uh, but still naughty!" I looked around and saw a pair of wings swooping out of the air for me. "Deus ex machina rescue moment!" The voice announced excitedly. I felt a pair of something very soft and furry grab me about my hips before swinging me upside down out of the way of a fiery fireball. "Nope, definitely not the sun. And I can see better now." The voice said cheerfully from somewhere above me.
I looked up at our deus ex machina. And my breath was taken away by our god, or, rather, goddess. A pair of powerful mauve leathery bat-like wings beat gracefully through the air, flight muscles underneath rippling with incredible strength. Thick light fuchsia fur bristled in the rushing air. Fuzzy white scarf tied in an aviator's wrap about her slender neck waved in the wind behind her. Thick silver and lavender multi-toned mane shone brightly in the dawning sun. Tense, panicked crimson eyes gleamed in the....uh, she did look rather panicked actually.
"Um, uh, n-not to sound rude, b-but we're a l-little overweight." She grunted as her wings strained to keep us aloft. But despite her best efforts we were slowly losing atltitude. "Eeee!" She squeaked as yet another fireball whizzed past, barely grazing us. I whirled around, aiming my right arm at more incoming fireballs. Trixie followed up beautifully, firing a barrage of rockets down my outstretched arm. The fireballs blossomed into brilliant explosions in the sky as they struck the fireworks behind us.
"MiniHeart can help." SnarkyHeart said, eyeing Trixie and me with an evil look.
"Trixie's on a diet and has just lost two thirds of Trixie's weight in five very flashy seconds, so it's not Trixie!" Trixie declared indignantly.
"Um, what if Ms. Pegasus uses her wings in place of the rocket and become Mr. Muffin's wings?" Dinky suggested.
"B-become a rocket?" The pegasus blinked, "Um, I could probably if I believed hard enough, really! Eeeeee! Be a rocket! Be the rocket!"
"No, just land and push me along." I said, looking down. Behind us Onyx was still thrashing across the snow after us. Before us was some flat ground that sloped up into a forested hilly area. "We can land there. I'll handle the rest."
"O-okay!" She nodded. My leg-mounted FIMs whirred and hissed as another set of rounds were chambered.
"Ammunition monitoring system notification. One crystal cruiser round left in each rearhoof-mounted FIMs." SnarkyHeart announced. "And yes, MiniHeart ate all the rest just to spite you."
"We'll deal with that later." I said. The pegasus' wings and my FIM firing kicked up a big cloud of snow in our wake as we landed. We hit the ground skating, losing no speed as we zoomed off in search of safety.
"Hey, this is much better!" The pegasus said, "I like being a rocket, really." She winced, closing her eyes tight as yet another fireball struck just a few feet away, vapourizing snow and showering us with loose earth. "Eeeeee!" She squeaked in fright.
"Mr. Muffins! There's a cave over there!" Dinky shouted, pointing at the approaching hills. "Mr. Dragon and his big fat head won't fit in there."
"With some luck it might open up somewhere else." I said, ducking as another fireball whizzed overhead. "It's worth a try."
"Oh, I don't know, really." The pegasus behind me murmured, "Caves are kind of dark and gloomy and, well, dark."
"So is Tartarus." Trixie pointed out.
"I like caves, really!" The pony squeaked nervously, changing course sharply for the cave, narrowly dodging another fireball.
The FIMs chose that moment to give out. I almost got pushed over by the pegasus before she quickly realized what had happened. "O-oh, sorry!" She squeaked.
"Don't worry about it!" I stumbled before picking up a rather lopsided run. "By all holy macaroons! Why now?!" I demanded of the heavens. The heavens decided to reply with a massive dragon landing right in front of the cave's opening.
"Too predictable, OverDick!" The dragon roared, bearing down on us menacingly.
"Go for the balls!" My battlecry filled the air.
"W-wait, n-no, n-not the-..." The immense dragon winced, quickly throwing his claws over his crown jewels protectively.
"Gotcha!" I shouted, grabbing hold of the three little ponies before holding them close against my chest. "Follow me, pegasus!" I shouted, leaping into a dive roll in between the dragon's legs while he was preoccupied with his progeny.
"E-excuse me!" The flustered pegasus squeaked as she fluttered after me right under the dragon's fork.
I leapt out of my roll, cursing the pain in my back courtesy of my landing as I scrabbled onto my feet and dashed deeper into the tunnel. "You little scale-mange! I have you now!" I heard the dragon roar behind us. I spotted a side tunnel behind a boulder and leapt for it. The pegasus followed me just moments after. Just in time too as a fireball followed and slammed into the boulder, sending dust and shrapnel flying everywhere. We huddled together in the darkness as the worst of the violent tremours ran its course.
"Overdick! I consider myself a very cool-headed dragon. It takes a lot to get under my scales. But you have just earned yourself the solid gold gem-encrusted chamber pot! You're not going nowhere, hear me?!" The dragon roared. "I will have you and your Empire this day!"
"Phew, looks like he really can't fit in here." I coughed out some dust. "Thank you, Ms. Pegasus deus ex machina. You really saved us back there." I sighed in relief as I slid back against the wall of the tunnel onto my tense buttocks.
"Teehee, don't mention it." The pegasus' glowing crimson eyes were all that were visible in the dark, but they seemed to smile back at me.
"Yes, don't mention it, not just yet! First of all, OverButt, she's not a pegasus!" Trixie, still in her element form, lit up her horn, casting her pale magenta glow across the tight little space, revealing it to be a blind-ended side-tunnel. She leapt out in between me and the pegasus, putting on the most aggressive stance a squeaky little party balloon could muster. I was almost expecting that by then. The only question that remained was 'is this instinct unique to unicorns?' "You, batpony! What in Equus could possibly bring the likes of you here?!" She demanded.
"Uhh....my wings, I think?" The pegasus flapped her leathery black bat wings for emphasis. Come to think of it, Fluttershy and the other pegasi did have feathery wings rather than leathery bat wings. "Is this a trick question moment?" She asked, cocking her head to one side innocently.
"Very smart." Trixie growled.
"That means I got it right?" The bat pony gasped, "Eeeee!" She gave what I suppose was her exclamation of happiness. It sounded more like a screech, but not an unpleasant one. It was somewhat akin to a newborn chick's chirps, only prolonged.
"Trixie, what is she?" I asked for confirmation, "And what is this hot sensation in my loins?"
"A batpony. And you probably peed yourself. Again." Trixie muttered.
"I'm half bat, half pony, aaall bitch! But, uh, a nice one! *Squee*" The bat pony squeed.
"Did she just squee at me?" I blinked. "Yep, it's a boner." I decided with certainty.
"Please, please excuse my Diamond Dog. I actually am nice!" The bat pony said, smiling anxiously. "Really! But that was page 324, paragraph 3, line 2 of this really friendly self-help book I've been reading and-..." Her explanation was cut short by the blast of a fireball glancing off the boulder, sending more dust falling from the roof above. "Eeeeeeeeeee!" She squeaked, pulling her fluffy furry ears down with her hooves as she flattened herself against the cave floor.
"Gimme a minute here! Can't you see I'm having a raging boner right now?!" I shouted around the edge of the boulder while throwing out a finger. I received another fireball as a reply. "Now you're just being jealous!" I snapped, ducking back behind cover.
To be continued in Part 3
The Evil Overdude and an Uncertain but Sexy Railgun - Part 3
Silence followed as the tremours from the last fireball finally died away. We had found ourselves in a bit of a dead end, both literally and figuratively. If the fact weighed down on anyone, everyone seemed to be trying their best not to show it. Trixie went without saying, looking as haughty and stoic as a little sparkly blue marshmallow on legs can. SnarkyHeart seemed determined to stare down the wall until it began melting out of embarrassment. The bat pony was chewing her hoof as she eyed the walls and ceilings. As for Dinky...
"Mr. Muffin, what's a bone-roar?" Dinky asked, innocently. Incredibly smart as the little filly was, I was starting to pick up on the fact that she had absolutely no grasp of atmosphere.
Darnit Dinky. "Dinky, be a good little filly and ask me when you're older." I said.
"Mmm, Dinky's now four seconds older." Dinky pointed out. "And Dinky might not grow any older than that." Actually, I take it back, she probably was aware of the gravity of the situation. She’s just taking it far better than you’d expect for such a young child. Which meant she just had no respect for atmosphere.
"I'm jealous," the bat pony sighed, scraping a hoof across the floor.
"You realize you won't be growing much older in a bit either, fruit bat." Trixie pointed out with an annoyed, nearly flabbergasted expression.
"Oh... I'm not jealous anymore, really!" The bat pony squeaked.
"Just what were you doing out here, anyways?" Trixie demanded, rephrasing her question carefully.
"Oh, me?" The bat pony pointed a hoof at herself with a tilted head. She appeared lost in thought for a moment, before shrugging. "I was just mapping this area. It's my hobby, really, and I make good money selling them to the diamond dogs, windingos and dragons." She said, reaching back with her snout into what looked like a saddlebag that I hadn't noticed she was wearing before. She drew out what looked like a roll of parchment before dropping it in my hand. "Well, after that I suppose I won't be selling to the dragons, at least not for a while." She chuckled nervously.
I unfurled it, and what I saw took my breath away. It was more a work of fine art rather than a map, painstakingly and lovingly drawn. But what really drew my attention was the empty spaces around the edges and where the mapped out surface simply dissolved into emptiness. The snakiness of the border between the mapped and the unmapped brought to mind the image of the young bat pony zooming back and forth over terra incognita, putting form and name to uncharted lands. It was almost romantic, at least to my naive self. There was a rather obvious circular blank area to one side of the map where I guessed the Crystal Empire was.
A thought occurred to me. For a moment I thought she was the pegasus who had been watching us from atop that cloud earlier. But all that suggested she wasn’t. Interesting. That means whoever that pegasus was had either stopped watching us or didn’t care enough to lend a hand. Or hoof.
"Then this one naughty mountain just wouldn't stand still, really. I came over to tell it to stand still while I finished drawing it in. And it turned out to be a big naughty dragon. Then you two happened." The bat pony looked over at me. "By the way, you look interesting." She said with no preamble whatsoever, trotting over and leaning in close. Awfully close in fact. "I haven't seen anypony like you before." She said, placing her forehooves on my head to turn it about. "You smell interesting too." She sniffed deeply as she ran her snout through my hair.
"Hey! Too close!" Trixie squeaked, hopping in one place in anger. "Get back before the Great and Powerful Trixie turns your fangs into hole-punchers!"
"Oh, sorry, sorry, you need to tell me if I start doing that, really." She gave another nervous little chuckle as she quickly backed away. "But, uh, I'm afraid somepony got there before you." The bat pony smiled anxiously, revealing two rather obvious gaps where fangs probably would have been. "The inquisition have them. At least, I think they still do. I barely escaped with the rest of me."
"Wait, they what?!" I barked, sending more dust raining down from the roof.
"Eeeee..." The bat pony squeaked in fear, briefly backpedaling away from me in a minor fit of panic.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I said, a lot quieter. She seemed to calm down at my words, and gradually released the tension in her legs. "But, why? Why did the inquisition do that?"
"U-uh, um..." The bat pony's head fell, her fluffy ears flattening.
"Bat ponies were the closest supporters of Nightmare Moon, more so than the unicorns." Trixie explained with a huff. "Unlike the other three tribes, there is a standing execution order on all bat ponies, marked or no. Harbouring or associating with them is punishable by death."
"B-but I-I'm not a soup-pot-er or soup-anything-er! I didn’t even know Nightmare Moon eats soup!" The bat pony suddenly spoke up, crimson eyes watering visibly. "B-but...I d-don't want to bring anypony any trouble, really. I'll leave after we're done here, promise." She said, meekly.
"Masticating macaroons, absolutely not!" I snapped, anger rising dangerously. Another shower of dust particles rained down from the ceiling, only reminding me of our current predicament.
"Eee..." She reeled back a little at my voice once again.
"Sorry, I didn’t mean to be that loud. Please, no need to be afraid of me." I said, a lot more softly as I knelt before her. "I am the Overdude, sworn guardian of all ponykind. And that includes bat ponies like you."
"W-wait!" Trixie gasped. “Oh, by Starswirl’s balls.” She facehoofed.
"Transmission cut." SnarkyHeart announced.
"Mr. Muffins is the god emperor of all ponies." Dinky said from somewhere around my legs. I had almost forgotten to put her back where she belongs on my head. She gave a little giggle as she was plopped back in her nest in my hair. "We are his chosen. He protects us all. And we protect him." Dinky explained. "W-was that right, Mr. Muffin?"
"Yes. Perfect, Dinky." I gave her an upside down smile.
"P-ponykind...?" The bat pony gasped, her fluffy ears perking up visibly. "M-me included?"
"By epic-flavoured macaroons, yes." I said with conviction. "And if you'll allow me, I would protect you too. You, and any and all bat ponies who would come live in the Crystal Empire where I promise you, you will all be safe. Forever."
"S-s-somepony..." She gasped, falling onto all four of her knees. "S-somepony would...c-care for us." Earnest tears welled up in her crimson eyes. "A g-god... a god would protect us." A single tear trickled down her cheek. Suddenly, with great speed, she bowed her head to the floor, flattening her silver and lavender mane against the floor. "I-I'm just a bat pony, your Emperorness! I'm not worthy, really!"
"Whoah, no need for that!" I gasped, waving my arms at her. "There's a height restriction on entering the Empire. You need to be a certain height to get in. Come, get up; stand tall." I said, pulling her up onto her hooves.
"No MLP." Trixie whispered aside to SnarkyHeart, a scowl threatening to break forth. "Isn't that suspicious?"
"We are too far outside the Empire. MLPs only form on Crystal Empire soil," SnarkyHeart replied. "You were just barely within range. If you were just one hoof out, you would be a miserable pile of very bad memories right now."
"Ergh..." Trixie shivered.
"Ooops, I haven't introduced myself, have I? It must have been weird thinking of me as that no-name thestral." She giggled, wiping away her tears before beaming up at me. "Friendly introduction moment!" She announced excitedly. "My name is Moonlight Sonata, your Emperorness.” Her voice took on a solemn tone. “May my Moonlight be your light, my sonata be your comfort. Though my name’s ‘Moonlight’, I’m kind of afraid of the dark, really.” She added with a sheepish little smile.
I must admit, I was rather taken aback at how quickly and easily she had given me her trust. I would have thought being born with a death sentence on your head would make you more wary of complete strangers.
Should I be just a little suspicious?
"Welcome to the team, Moonlight Sonata." I said, giving her a nod and a smile.
"Moonlight or Sona's just fine. Don't want you to bite your tongue on my account, really." She smiled a toothy smile back at me.
“Trixie gives it five minutes before the sexual harassment begins,” Trixie said aside to SnarkyHeart.
“How do you know Master hasn’t already begun?” Crystal Heart whispered back through SnarkyHeart.
"Dinky sees sunlight that way. The sun must be rising," Dinky said, pointing in the direction opposite to where we came in.
"Huh, well spotted Dinky." I gave the giggling filly a hair ruffle. "So the cave does open up elsewhere. But it's too short. He'll see us come out that way." I said.
"It'll be better than walking straight into his verbal-diarrhea-chamber-pot mouth." Trixie pointed out, still eyeing Sona warily.
"We also still can't lead him back to the Empire." I said. "We need to stop him here."
"Good luck with that." SnarkyHeart said.
"'We' includes you." I pointed out, shooting a look at my disgruntled shoulder-passenger. “C’mon, I know you love me, SnarkyHeart. We’re a team.”
“What did you just call this MiniHeart?” SnarkyHeart blinked. Her face flew through a variety of emotions, before she settled on a dour one. “I love you as much as the stars in the sky.” She muttered, darkly.
“But...it’s morning.” Dinky pointed out.
“Exactly.” SnarkyHeart muttered.
“So anything more specific other than not dying out here?” Trixie asked, looking quite put-upon.
“Mmm, can’t Ms. Twilight send us some help?” Dinky suggested.
"Twilight Sparkle had Rarity, Ditzy Doo and RedHeart gather volunteers from all three tribes,” Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. “A contingent of flight-capable pegasi just took off from the citadel and are now enroute to your location. A mixed ground unit of unicorns and earth ponies are also on their way."
I had to hand it to Twilight. Even in an emergency, she’s managed to keep a cool-enough head to think of involving all three tribes in the rescue effort. "Every minute we stay out here, we risk more of his kind arriving. A big group of ponies would definitely attract attention and make it more difficult for us to retreat without giving away the Empire's location." I said. "We'll need to try and escape, and fast. We need a plan. All of us." I said, giving Trixie a look.
"Fine, fine." Trixie sighed. "Trixie's great and powerful magic is truly incredible, but he doesn't seem to realize this." She huffed, mostly to herself. "His hide is just too too thick."
"So, the only way we're getting through is with a physical punch to the face," I said.
"Punch power? Trixie might as well be blowing in his ears. If he has any." Trixie said.
"Even air can be a weapon. There is nothing deadlier than an air spiral, really." Moonlight said.
"If air is deadlier if you make it a spiral..." Dinky said, tapping a hoof on her chin, "What happens if you make anything else a spiral? Like, um, Ms. Unicorn's lightning?"
"Silly filly,” Trixie huffed in a less-annoyed and almost-softer tone than what she had been using with everyone else. It seems even Trixie couldn’t mistreat Dinky in any sense. “Air doesn't conduct lightning very well. The longer the distance the lightning has to move, the more magical energy is lost as light and heat. Spiralling lightning is just wasting magic."
"S-sorry..." Dinky whimpered.
"No, wait." A light-bulb flickered in my head. It was a dangerous place to light up anything as potentially flammable as a light-bulb. It was usually the signal to abandon ship. This time it was particularly crazy. Like, comic book supervillain crazy. But crazy has actually worked out for me so far. If I can't believe in crazy right now, what can I believe in? "Dinky! You're a genius!"
"Trixie! Can you curve the lightning into coils around both my arms and fire it out that way?" I asked.
"Are you kidding Trixie?!" Trixie balked.
"What, too much for you?" I challenged. From what I understood of Trixie’s character, if I called her out on being unable to do something...
As expected, Trixie’s face hardened. "The great and powerful Trixie can do anything." Trixie reiterated haughtily. Her face quickly fell into a frown, probably realizing the hole she just dug herself. A light groan left her lips. "But it's really tricky, and all it'll do is waste a lot of power. And give Trixie the dizzies too."
"I project this spell will drain all remaining Element energy." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. "I trust your judgement, Master. But, are you sure about this?"
"About as sure as dragons have two wangs," I grinned. This was greeted by an awkward silence. I looked about in confusion. "What?"
"So that's a yes?" Sona finally asked.
"Wait, what?!" I gaped. No way. It couldn’t be.
"Huh, good enough for Trixie." Trixie shrugged.
"Dragons really have two wangs?!" I demanded. I later learned that male dragons indeed have two much like the lizards back home. No, seriously. The dragon girls love pointing this out, apparently.
"Master. Focus." Crystal Heart snapped.
"This is important!" I asserted. “I need to know how!”
"OVERDIIIIICK!" The cave rumbled violently under the assault of the dragon's voice. "I grow tired! And hungry! Perhaps I will not stop at chewing your bones, I will suck out your marrow too!"
"Hey! Leave me out of your wet dreams!" I shouted back. A low roar sounded out as response. "Okay, so my concerns regarding his phallic quota is probably a liiiittle less important." I conceded.
"Cunning planning moment!" Sona clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Can we use a map? Can we, can we, pleeeease?"
I sighed with a shake of my head. "Yes, Sona; we can use a map."
"*Squee!*"
"Great and sexyful artillery."
"Check." A horn glowed and sparked threateningly in the dark.
"Fluffy map-guided rocket."
"Check, I think?" A pair of leathery wings flared out in the shadows, tilting up and down experimentally.
"Genius thinking cap."
"Check!" A pair of hooves patted my hair reassuringly.
"Big mouth."
"Buck you." Something on my shoulder glared at me, threatening to burn a hole in the side of my head.
"We're good." I declared. The gems lining the sides of my FIMs glowed an ominous black as the rotating magazine chambered the last of the crystal cruiser rounds with a whirr and a click. "Ready?"
"Dinky's ready!"
"The great and powerful Trixie was born ready!"
"Uh, bring on the bitch sprinkles! Um, wait; is that right?"
"Buck you twice? There's an app for that."
"Let's go!" I fired off the FIMs. The now familiar crackle of spraying crystal filled the cave. We quickly gathered speed as the powerful beats of Sona's wings propelled us forwards. The sunlight at the end of the tunnel blinded us for the briefest moment. Then fresh cold air bit our faces as we sailed out into the rising sun, zooming away down the hill straight towards a flat open plain Sona had marked out on her map. The expansive snow plain was almost blinding in the bright dawn but was welcome for our plan.
"Sneaky little tail-mites!" The dragon roared as he soared over the hill, propelled by his own pair of powerful wings, his massive bulk trailing snow and wispy contrails. "I shall have you extra crispy!" He landed with a tumultuous crash, shaking the earth for miles around. Without losing a moment he reared back his head, gathering yet another fierce white fireball in his throat.
"Missionary Formation!" I shouted. A deft swerve from Sona saved us all sharing the fate of a suddenly vapourized tree nearby. Using the momentum from the swerve she whirled us around to face the oncoming dragon. Her powerful wings continued to beat, propelling us backwards.
"Trixie swears, after this we're finding a foal’s dictionary for you, OverButt." I felt Trixie's magic coil about my shoulders, ready to spring out at my command. "Now, Trixie hopes you know what you're doing!"
"Me too!" I dug into my pocket and brought out a coin. I curled my middle finger about the coin before cocking my thumb under it, as if to flick it, all while extending my index finger to aim. I held my arm out straight, my other hand steadying it at the wrist as if aiming a handgun. With one eye I aimed down my arm, trying my best to compensate for the shaking while timing Sona's evasive maneuvers. "Final checks." I said, the magic in my shoulders crackling dangerously.
"Site check. Power levels meet optimal requirements." Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart to one side.
"Um, aim check? Dinky thinks it's, err...okay? Mr. Dragon is sort of, uh, everywhere." She said. True, the massive dragon pretty much dominated our field of vision to the point where it was more likely to hit him than the ground.
"Propulsion check moment! Bum back, flank-kicking forwards, I think!" Sona shouted over the fierce beating of her wings.
"The great and powerful Trixie checks nothing!" Trixie declared.
"Dude check! Feeling sexy as buck!” I rounded off the check with a flourish.
“I will make you dig your own grave with your face, Overdick!” The dragon roared as he leapt into a powerful pounce aimed right at us.
“Kinky! Now, watch my middle finger’s boner for you!” I shouted back, flicking the coin against my middle finger. “Get off my lawn, dragon butt!" Thunder boomed in my ears, threatening to rip my eardrums apart as the pent-up static charge uncoiled, unleashing a spiral of lightning that wound around my arms, coursing straight for the coin. For one singular moment, the coin flashed in the sunrise. The next moment it was gone, as if whipped away by the blinding flash of light that erupted like a second sun.
I have only ever watched videos of experimental railguns fire. Seeing the real thing, especially just mere inches before me, was mind-blowing. Literally. The recoil sent my arms flying wide apart, blasting my body backwards with all the force of a rhino in heat. I had to twist my body sideways to avoid landing on Sona. Even SnarkyHeart's little force field barely broke the force of the impact, causing me to impale the ground with my face with all the grace of a flying pie. I unburied myself just in time to watch the little streak catch fire in mid-flight, leaving a rapidly expanding bubble of superheated air-turned-plasma in its wake.
Snow and earth sprayed in a fine mist in the air in its backwash. It barely missed the dragon, whizzing by a foot away from his head. But the shockwave and mach 10 sonic boom trailing in its wake didn’t, not by a wide margin. The shockwaves rippled through his scales, sending waves crashing through his fat belly, before sending him flying sideways, spinning like a giant black top. 2 stories of epic dragon butt was thrown aside as effortlessly as the ugliest plushie ever. What’s left of him was flung across the forest, flattening trees, rocks and draconic egos as far as the eye can see. “Keep the change, motherbucker.” I grinned.
We watched as the little streak of fire that was the little coin flew on and on and on, its passing marked only by trees exploding into flaming splinters or columns of hot gas igniting into pillars of hellfire. It finally came to a stop—at least, we think it did—when it struck a distant mountain peak, shearing off the summit in an explosive eruption of smoke and dust. We winced collectively as the distant rumble of an avalanche coursed through the morning air.
"Bitch." Sona mumbled, slowly peeling herself out of the snow.
"Bitch." Trixie gave her muffled agreement from where her grown-up form had managed to get sandwiched in between two rocks. It would appear she had returned to her full size after landing in between the rocks.
"That was most definitely a diamond dog of the female persuasion." Crystal Heart agreed through SnarkyHeart, who was all but a pair of eyes blinking up angrily at me from inside a little mound of snow bearing an origami boat hat.
"Beach? Where?" Dinky asked, confused, still safely nestled in the bastion that is my hair. Note to self, need to have Crystal Heart make some sort of censorship headphones for Dinky if she's going to hang around me from now on.
"Speaking of which, something's bitchin’ burning." I said, sniffing the air.
"Oh, just you." SnarkyHeart said.
I looked down and found my arm-mounted FIMs and the sleeves of my black turtleneck on fire. "Huh, hot." I mumbled, weakly. My brain finally caught up and got my freak on. "HOT! HOT! HOT!" I flailed my arms about as I did a little tribal fire dance in keeping with the spirit of the thing.
“Victory dance moment!” Sona leapt up onto her rearhooves, wings flapping excitedly to keep herself upright as she joined me in my victory lap around my landing crater. “Eeeeee!”
Trixie rolled her eyes before levitating the snow mound that was SnarkyHeart and dropping it on top of me. My hotness was put out with a very soppy squelch.
“You’re welcome.” Trixie’s muffled drawl came forth from the rock. “Now, a little help here?”
“Coming!” Sona leapt out of her victory dance to help Trixie.
“So is Hearts and Hooves day,” Trixie grumbled with a roll of her eyes. “Now, Overbutt, Trixie would...ugh…” She grunted as Sona tugged on her by her hoof. “...say that establishing Trixie-brand superiority and castrating mountains is just another day...Nggh!” Sona had switched to trying to push her out from behind, wings flapping with her effort. “....for the great and powerful Trixie, but Trixie will allow you a moment to explain your brief proof of gender….argh!" Trixie cried as she was released with a plop by a flying shove from Sona.
"Y-you j-just p-punched a mountain in the face, your Emperorness." Sona panted. "Y-you're like my self-help book in the flesh, really."
"Yes, Master. The output from your magic was beyond any calculated projection possible with available data," Crystal Heart said. "Particularly the sexual arousal output. RedHeart is currently dumping some members of the audience including Lyra Heartstrings in ice buckets. Twilight Sparkle, I'm afraid, is beyond help."
"When did you begin broadcasting again?" I winced, wondering exactly how much I'm tainting this rainbow and sunshine world with my profanities. I might have to install some sort of universal censorship that automatically replaces my indecency with sprinkles. "Well, that was about as magic as my hip thrusts. Really dramatic and flashy, but it's all down to sexy physics and a little dash of style."
"Trixie calls horseapples!" Trixie snapped, picking herself up from her little crater in the snow. "Trixie's already knows about your hidden horn of limitless power. Everypony knows the secret. You use it to give your special chosen ones a share of your Overbutt magic, don't you?" She said, pointing an accusing hoof at me.
"Umm, is it still a secret if everypony knows about it?" Dinky asked. "Uh, um, s-sowwy..." She shrunk into my hair at Trixie's withering gaze.
Oh by the macaroon goddess, not this again. Except that last bit, that's news to me. Seriously, when I catch whoever’s spreading these rumours….
"Excuse me, Master. I think I will need to activate the fire extinguishers. Wait, where are you...Somepony! Somepony catch Lyra Heartstrings!" Crystal Heart shouted before her transmission cut off abruptly again.
"Can we cut the live broadcast, pretty please?" I asked SnarkyHeart nicely.
"SnarkyHeart's busy enjoying the chaos. Can SnarkyHeart ignore you later?" SnarkyHeart said. I suppose I should be happy that she’s accepted my little nickname for her?
"I don't want to interrupt, really, but what about, uh, what's the word the book used? Ditching this dump?" Sona suggested.
"Good idea. That stunt could've attracted the rest of the ugly pageant." I nodded. “I swear, if crud can fly, this place would be an airport.”
As if on cue a deafening rumble shook the earth. Flocks of early spring birds took flight into the early dawn sky, abandoning the snowy forests below.
Three mighty dark shadows rose up into the sky above the forest, towering at least two or three times taller than the biggest tree. Big, dark shadowy serpentine forms loomed high, earth, trees and whole rocks showering off their mighty backs. They were jet black dragons so massive they could probably use godzilla as a dildo.
"Dinky thinks they heard you." Dinky whispered.
"By Starswirl's balls...." Trixie whispered as the shadow from the looming figure eclipsed the sun. "Nightmares!" She hissed.
The little mound of dirt just a little way off from us suddenly burst into life. "Oh, you're giving me a run for my gems! Looks like I'm going to have to bring out the hoard!" Onyx roared, bursting out of where he had laid buried and forgotten in a heap of snow and flattened trees. "You heard me? Or are you all too busy praying for your lives and pissing yourselves?!" He shouted out at us. "Oy, don’t make me clean out your ears through your butts!!" He stomped in anger, entirely unheeded. "Hey! Stop ignoring me! Big menacing dragon of doom about to crush your bread to make my bones here!" He shouted, waving his claws desperately at us. "That's it! No more Mr. Nice Drake! This time I'll eat bon-ERK!" He was thankfully shut up by a graceful, almost elfin form landing atop his snout, snapping it shut.
"Elder brother." The slender silver-white pony snapped impatiently as it glared at the dragon in the eye from where it stood on his snout. Her words registered in my mind amidst my amazement. Brother? That makes her his sister? That's when more details began to become apparent. The silver-white pony boasted draconic wings, scales and, on closer inspection, claws. She was definitely a dragon, but nothing like Onyx. If Onyx was large and buff like the dragon posterboy for all that is macho on steroids, his younger sister was the complete opposite; sleek, elegant, almost fairy-like in comparison.
I take it back, dragons here aren’t rainbow-flavoured and burp glitter and pink at people.
"Not now, Garnet." Onyx stared down his snout at his little sister, going slightly cross-eyed in the process. "Big brother is kind of busy going after this OverDick."
"Brother, I have no interest in your disgusting deviant pursuits." She snapped commandingly, displaying more testicular fortitude in one sentence than Onyx had that entire morning. "You'll be kind of dead here if you don't hurry up and listen. We've got Nightmares. The Crystal Barrens, all the way from the Crystal Range down to the Sparkling Downs, are suddenly full of them. The moot's calling everydrake back."
"Blah de blah, Garnet." Onyx shook his head impatiently, "Just go meditate off whatever it is itching your scales and big brother will...WHOAH! Jumping scale-mange! That's a bigass Nightmare!" He gasped, looking around behind him to find one of the massive shadows looming up behind him.
"Well spotted, Brother." The little sister muttered, dryly.
"You didn't have to bring your boyfriend into this!" I shouted, pointing at the immense Nightmare dragon. "He'll only get the wrong idea!"
"It's a Class F Draconic Nightmare no less!" Onyx took a step back. "Two...no, three of them! By Drakengard, the Crystal Barrens must be crawling with them!"
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." I scoffed, shaking my head. "Psst, what's a Nightmare? And should I be screaming like a pansy yet?" I whispered aside to Trixie and Sona.
"A little parting gift left with love from your old friend, Nightmare Moon." Onyx muttered. "Not all her dark magic went with her to the moon. Some of it remained here, corrupting living beings, turning them into her mindless shadow pawns. Even that hen's issues got issues. Something must have woken them all up at the same time."
"Astute observation, Brother." The younger dragon monotoned.
"Come, Garnet! The Dragon Moot will want to meet, and they can't do so without the all-important me!" Onyx snapped, unfurling his disproportionately small leathery purple dragon wings.
"Well said, Brother." Garnet let out a quietly-suffering sigh while rolling her eyes.
"Hey, little sister dragon, I feel for you. You've got my sympathies." I called out to the younger dragon. “Tell him to keep his dick out of his personality. Might help.”
"You have no idea." The younger sister shook her head in despair.
"We shall finish this another day, Crystal Emperor!" Onyx roared, leaping up into the air.
"Crystal Emperor?" The younger sister looked down at me from where she remained standing firmly upon his snout. She continued to eye me, golden harlequin eyes narrowed, all throughout his lumbering take-off.
Their departure thankfully took with them the attention of two of the enormous Nightmares who were quick to lurch after them. The third, however, seemed to have no taste for dragon butt, preferring perfectly hot sexiness instead. Can't blame it. It loomed over us, kicking up trees and dirt as it began to plod towards us laboriously.
"Um, how about that running idea?" Sona asked, almost pleadingly, from where she sat on her rump by Trixie’s rock.
"I can get behind it." I nodded, firing off my FIMs. Dull clicks echoed hollowly in the frigid air. "Uh..." It was the sound of despair ringing empty in our ears.
"Well, Trixie's getting in front of it!" Trixie was already a good few yards off, kicking up snow like there's no tomorrow. Which to be fair was a distressingly pressing prospect. Like pant-pissing pressing.
“What about us?!” I shouted after her, securing SnarkyHeart and Dinky atop me and gesturing at Sona to follow.
“Trixie will cry epic crocodile tears on your graves!” Trixie shouted back. “Just try and make sure there’s enough left to bury!”
“Thanks!” I made to start running but noticed Sona was still sitting on her haunches, looking the very picture of sheepishness. “What’s...wrong?” I asked, dread rising.
“Uh, well, this is going to sound really lame, really.” She began meekly, fidgeting nervously, all while the mobile tower of Sauron itself was bearing down on us. “But….you see, this naughty rock...” She nodded at the rock. She winced as she gave the hoof she had inside it an experimental tug. “Is, uh, kinda hard-headed, really.”
Sprinkly Hells, Sprinkly Hells, Sprinkling all the way~
A song played in the back of my hysterical mind as I found myself leaping over a snow bank, narrowly dodging the gigantic Nightmare ploughing into the forest behind us as it missed a powerful earth-shaking lunge. Dinky and SnarkyHeart bounced against me as they clung desperately onto my head and shoulders like the fluffiest most adorable dandruff ever. Meanwhile under one arm I carried my most apologetic pizza delivery to date.
Dashing through the snow, on my shoulders a three-horse weight~
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorryyyy, realllyyyyy!” Sona squeaked apologetically under my arm, perhaps the only creature in the universe who would apologize for twisting her hoof inside a rock. It didn’t help that she had managed to sprain a wing trying to shove Trixie out as well.
“SnarkyHeart will carve that into your epitaph.” SnarkyHeart muttered darkly. “In glitter glue.”
Through the fields we go, screaming all the way~
“Trixie! Can we do that sexy sparkly glittery element thing again?!” I shouted after Trixie. “I’ll even let you use my secret magic horny thing!”
“You do it with yourself if you think it’ll wait for you to finish!” Trixie shouted back, now a good ways ahead of us.
“I’m pretty fast if I do say so myself!” I shouted over the dull rumbling of the earth beneath us. I looked over my shoulder to see the massive Nightmare picking itself back up, dark shadows writhing across its hulking mass. It trailed a curtain of earth and trees as it rose back to its full height.
“Crystal Element Lulamoon ate up far more power than was natural.” Crystal Heart said through SnarkyHeart. “I project it was enough power to feed a small Crystal town somewhere for a good few....”
“Trixie’s not a greedy glutton!” Trixie was quick to deny, “This superiorly-shaped-butt is all nature-sculpted!”
“It will require many more prayers to recharge.” Crystal Heart continued. “The much more efficient alternative, of course, would be a pony org…”
“This is just another 20 minute pizza run and that’s just another deadline!” I panted at myself like a mantra, half to keep my morale going, half to not let Crystal Heart drain it. "A one thousand year old leftover shadow curse sort of very literally deadly deadline!"
Dragon on our tail roars, making bladders tight, O what fun it is to piss and scream; a dying song of fright!
“We need a deus ex machina momeeeent!” Sona squeaked.
“Snarkyheart needs ear plugs and some aspirin.” SnarkyHeart muttered.
“Dinky, try calling for help again!” I panted in desperation, lungs burning with the exertion.
“O-Owkay! Heeeeeeelp!” Dinky cried out helpfully. “Pleaaaaaaase!”
“Somebody called?” A voice called out as a brilliant golden flash swooped by overhead. “Cause I hear the flagrant sound of a flank in need of bucking.”
“What is that you summoned this time, Dinky?” I gasped, not daring to spare a moment to look back.
“Uhuh, a gold and lightning-y pegasus.” Dinky, my trusty rearview mirror, reported. “This might also be a beach-...”
“Good work!” I wheezed, interrupting her. “Dinky, be a good filly for me, never ever use that word!”
"So, who stole your muffin, huh, big baby? Did you check up your plot?" A familiar gravelly but upbeat voice called out from somewhere high above. "Cause I could've sworn I lost a thundercloud up there."
A crack of thunder boomed overhead. A few staggered heavy footsteps shook the earth as something massive stumbled with short pained footsteps. Something up above roared the familiar roar of the violated.
“Uh, Dinky thinks she did something very rude with that thunder cloud!” Dinky squeaked, ducking deep into my hair as the lightning lit up the sky.
“Oh, you found my thundercloud. Good boy. You know what, you can keep it as your reward, hon.” The voice above said generously as another thunder crack shook the sky. Another anguished howl followed. “I don’t think you want to put it there, but whatever floats your boat.”
“Eeeeee!” Sona joined Dinky in pulling her ears down over her mane at the booms of thunder splitting the air.
“Is she going to be alright, you think?” I asked, more for formality’s sake as I caught up with Trixie.
“Did Trixie’s brilliance blind you that much? She’s a flying pegasus.” Trixie pointed out.
“I kind of figured ‘pegasus’ implies ‘flight’.” I said, slipping and sliding as I jogged through the snow alongside her.
“Perhaps if the world wasn’t run by an absolute MegaButt.” Trixie said. “Only Taliconian uniform or rogue pegasi are allowed to fly.”
“Wait, flying makes her military?” I struggled to make the connection. Then it hit me why Fluttershy and many of the pegasi never bothered with flight. They simply can’t. Only those that joined Ass-Who-Shot’s military forces were allowed to keep their wings. The others must have been….
“In short she won’t get Nighted.” Trixie summed up. “At least not right away.”
“Nighted?” Who am I to turn away a moment of exposition, even if we were raggedly trekking across miles of wintery wasteland while dodging shadowy body-slams of doom.
“Exposition moment!” Sona helpfully called.
“Devoured and turned into a Nightmare.” Trixie explained. “Trixie’s been told it’s like getting a sunburn, just worse.”
“Whoah, now.” I screeched to a halt and turned to look back. “We’re not risking one of our pegasi being eaten and pooped out a nameless mook-of-the-week.”
"Master, I advise a tactical retreat for now." Crystal Heart’s voice came back through SnarkyHeart. "A flight of pegasi are enroute from the Citadel. They will support that pegasus’ retreat if necessary. Your safety is of utmost importance."
“But we’ve already got our butts here. Might as well make’em useful as well as sexy.” I pointed out.
“How, exactly, is your fruity butt useful at the moment, OverButt?” Trixie asked, pointedly. “Other than to glorify Trixie’s own?”
“Live bait.” SnarkyHeart intoned.
“Subject Lulamoon is right, Master.” Crystal Heart said.
“Trixie is always right, even when Trixie’s not.” Trixie smirked.
“But you can’t be right when you’re...oh, owkay.” Dinky went silent under Trixie’s withering gaze once more. Maybe Trixie didn’t care, after all.
“Your fruity butt is the driving force of our Empire, the very centre upon which our nation revolves around. It is no exaggeration to say your butt is the very inspiration that unites the tribes. Your great overarching responsibility is to get said butt back to the safety of the Empire for the sake of its very butt-needy citizens.” Crystal Heart lectured most eloquently.
“Crystal Heart, where my butt goes and what it chooses to inspire is entirely its own right to decide. I always encourage it to be independent. It is its own butt.” I said pointedly, doing my best to keep my disgust under control. Crystal Heart’s always been very suggestive in her approach, as oblivious or humorous as I play it around her. But now she’s not even leaving me any room for my oblivious or humour cards. “And let it be known that my butt is adamant that no butts are ever left behind. Every butt will come home today! That includes that pegasus’. Come Nightmare butt or Ass-who-is-Butt, we will not leave her butt behind!” Another boom of thunder punctuated my speech dramatically, though not necessarily appropriately.
“Um, yes, butts!” Dinky said supportively.
“Butts! Butts everywhere!” Sona declared helpfully.
“You’re a butt.” SnarkyHeart contributed generously.
“What’s that about my flaming hot butt?”
“Whoah!” We all jumped in fright. Speak of the devil’s butt!
“Yeah, I know, my butt has that effect on everypony.” The flaming yellow pegasus tossed her fiery golden mane back as she stepped up behind us. “Now come on, unless y’all want to stare at my butt all the way back home. Not that I blame ya.” She flicked her blazing gold tail at my dumbfounded self as she sauntered past. She looked familiar, in fact I recalled having her at the strategy meeting just the day before. She had some really hot name I couldn’t quite remember.
“Wait, what about the Nightma-…?” We all looked up and saw the Nightmare roaring and thrashing in the distance, flailing about at about a dozen little thunderclouds blitzing it like a herd of mosquitos.
“Hey, who do ya think yer talkin’ to?” She shot a grin back at me. “I’m Captain Spitfire, Ahuizotl’s Flaming Hot Firebolt.”
Place: The Hoofer Market in Neighara Falls' Hoofer District, The Giant Gate City of Neighara Falls, Crystal Mountain Pass Time: Sometime before the Overdude's arrival.
It was always dark down there in the Hoofer District. What little of Ahuizotl's sunlight that reached the depths of the mighty Gate City would have already been thoroughly used and abused by the nobles of the Felis District, bottled and traded in the Gate District and leased and prostituted for every last gold piece in the Airship District. But hoofers had long since learned to take anything they can get, even the secondhoof sunlight. So resourceful were the local earth ponies that they had started growing winter herbs, cave moss and mushrooms on the roofs of their sprawling shanty town of stables. Even more creative was how the pegasi managed to fit a semblance of weather in the cramped space between the rooftops and the ceiling of the Hoofer District. And the hovering mini-sun orbs, product of unicorn magic, kept the otherwise dark and dismal Hoofer District, if not bright, then at least tolerably lit.
The cranking of the massive gears powering the gates and the hiss of the many steam pipes criss-crossing the lofty ceiling that made up their sky was a persistent background noise to life in the Hoofer District. But even those were drowned out by the loud hubbub of the hoofer's market that dominated the makeshift town square. Here was a small taste of the old world, where what remnants of the fleeting elements of Harmony eke out a meagre existence in the uneasy pleasantries and nervous friendships between fellow hoofers.
"Hey, you! Hoofer streetling! Where'd you steal that haybread?!" The hoofer market's usual hubbub quietened down considerably as the four Felis guards in charge of the late afternoon beat found their latest victim. The braver hoofers looked up from their wares or shopping to aim anxious looks at the four guards cornering their choice of prey for the day. The less courageous very carefully ignored their surroundings as they carried on about their business, heads bowed low beneath their heavy iron yokes.
A cornered little coal-black filly backed up until her flank bumped into a corner between a rainbow storage tower and a murky brick wall of the local lightning smith's forge. "D-Dinky d-didn't steal this! Dinky's a good filly! D-Dinky worked for it!" She squeaked as four large shadows loomed over her, bearing feral predatory grins.
The beefier of the Felis guards, one of the magical caith-sidhe Felis, stepped up to her, swinging a cudgel in his telekinetic grasp. "You dare lie to Sergeant Yellow Tabby?! You know what we do to pilfering little hoofers?" He growled menacingly, bearing his gleaming fangs.
One of the smaller ones, a winged kasha Felis, giggled, oversized copper helmet clanking over his oversized armour. "Hoho, yeah, I know, sarge! First we whip'em, then we hurt'em! All the hoofers!" He hopped about, fiery wings fluttering excitedly.
The caith-sidhe sergeant rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Thank you, corporal Red Knobs." He sighed.
The little filly didn't need telling. She got reminders like this almost every other day. But she had long since worked out that simply being alive with no parents out here is a punishable crime. She had also very wisely worked out that punishments were only for the naughty and those who get caught. And she had become very good at not getting caught. She looked around. Her mind ran. She quickly put together her plan on the fly. She leapt for the rainbow storage tower's support struts, and with a few more nimble leaps she was beyond their reach.
The Felis guards were, first and foremost, cats. They couldn't help but lunge out at sudden movements anymore than they could help being sassy arrogant bastards. They all ran headfirst into the wooden structure that made up the tower's base. The rickety wood exploded into splinters under their weight. The rainbow storage tank it was supporting collapsed towards the open-air lightning forge on the other side of the wall. Dinky tensed up, clinging onto the tower as it fell. With a deft lunge she leapt clear of the tower, landing lightly on one of the many steam conduit pipes that ran above the Hoofer District.
Without looking back, she broke into a gallop down the narrow pipe. Meanwhile, the telltale hiss she was waiting for filled the air, along with a massive billowing cloud of rainbow-coloured steam. The rainbow storage tank had emptied its multicoloured contents onto the smithy's lightning forge, immediately vapourizing the colourful liquid into rainbows, just as planned. "Fire!" She cried, "There's a fire!" The smoke and the cry was enough. The entire hoofer market erupted into panic. Hoofers rushed about, eager to secure themselves or their belongings. The chaos provided all the cover the little filly needed to disappear.
"Get her!" The guards, dripping all the colours of the rainbow, roared with anger as they stumbled and crashed through the panicked mob. "Out of my way, hoofers!" But they were too late. The little pitch black filly had long since melded away into the chaos.
A moment later found the four guards dripping with colour arrive in the alleyway in front of the local lockup, the 'Tanty'. "I swear I saw'er runnin' this way, sarge!" The little kasha felis said, his glowing magical wings folding away as he landed by the lockup's gates.
"Knobs, you idiot!" The beefy sergeant smacked the small winged kasha one on his helmet. "You stupid or what? Nopussy would hide at the prison!"
"Well, uh, boss..." A tall lanky Sphinx Felis put in, "If I were, uh, smart, I'd hide where nopussy would expect me to hide."
"Corporal Green Slink, the problem with your thought is, number one - it's yours. Number two, you're not, in fact, smart. Number, er... next problem, she's just a hoofer; a streetling one too! You actually expect her to think that far?!" The sergeant barked. "Now, spread out! Spread the word to the guard and citizens! We've got a wanted hoofer: tiny, black as a panther's rear. Find her!" The guards barely managed to avoid running into each other as they clattered away on their hunt.
A big pair of golden eyes peered out of a gutter in a corner of the alleyway, eyeing the guards as they disappeared around a corner. Satisfied that the coast was clear, a little light lilac filly climbed out. "Phew..." She breathed a sigh of relief as she shook off some dirty rainwater off her coat. She paused to peer down at a convenient little puddle. A sunlight-maned little filly peered back at her out of her reflection. There was just a smidgen of coal dust left on her dawn-lilac coat. She quickly wiped it off with a hoof. Perfect.
"Well done, kid." A low, heavy drawl of a disembodied voice sent her leaping out of her fur. Her eyes widened, searching for the source as she tensed up, ready to flee once more. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I'm right'ere. Behind the bars." The voice said from within the pitch black darkness behind a set of bars set right at the level of the street.
The little filly relaxed considerably, though she continued to eye the bars carefully. "Ooh, sorry, mister. Dinky thought you were one of the guards," She apologized. Being 'nice' was all she knew, after all. Nopony had ever bothered to teach her otherwise, or anything at all for that matter.
"Heh, anything but." The voice chuckled. "I assume that commotion in the market was your doing? I pity the fools who will have to explain that to their bosses. Coal dust to change the colour of your fur? Smart."
"Dinky won't be able to use it until they forget though." The filly muttered, tapping a hoof on her chin, thoughtfully. "Probably four days. Dinky will have to use chalk for a while."
"You gave away your name quite easily though." The voice pointed out, "Little Dinky." He added for emphasis.
"Meep!" Dinky squeaked, fidgeting nervously. "U-um, uh... yes." She sighed, sheepishly, "Dinky can't help it."
"Heh, doesn't matter. What's in a name?" The voice chuckled, "I'm Steel Horn one day, Heavy Hoof another, That Glorious Bastard on off days, maybe even the Gorgeous Hunk some nights. I'm everything anybull could ever need."
"That's a lot of names, mister," Dinky said as she cocked her head to one side. "Dinky only has one name. In fact, it's all Dinky has. It's all Dinky can share." The simple matter-of-fact tone to her statement was heart-wrenching, to say the least.
"Oh..." The voice backpedaled a bit. "Sorry, kid. It's difficult all round, huh?" He was interrupted by a loud low rumble that echoed all around the darkness behind the bars. Dinky leapt back, trembling from mane to hoof once more. "Ah, sorry, my bad. They must've forgotten about the grub today. Again," he reassured.
"Oh." Dinky remembered the loaf of hard haybread she had on her back. "Dinky has some bread here, mister. That's something else Dinky can share."
"Not really one to take food from a streetling," the voice snarked, before another loud rumble punctuated his words. "But since you insist," he conceded to his tummy’s persuasive argument.
Dinky bit off half of her bread and passed it in between the bars. Something took hold of it and pulled it into the darkness within, never to be seen again. "Whoah, kid, it's not even moldy! Probably only two days old or somethin'. Just a little soggy, but mint condition. What royalty did'ya steal this from?"
"Dinky doesn't steal!" Dinky shouted in a low volume to reduce arousing attention, her face suddenly indignant. "Dinky never steals. Dinky worked for this. Dinky works for all of Dinky's food."
"Sorry, sorry, kid. Bullstuds; now I feel bad for accepting this, considering you worked for it," the voice muttered.
"It's alright, Mister," Dinky said, generously, sitting on her rump before the bars. She wasn't too sure why but she was smiling to herself. "It's the only thing somepony's ever taught Dinky, so it's all Dinky knows. Sharing that is." She hugged what was left of her bread in all four hooves before taking a little nibble of it. It was her first meal of the day. Her meagre storage of old hay had spoiled from a leaking drain pipe during the previous night's rain.
"*Munch* It's the right idea for the wrong era, kid." The voice grumbled, in between grateful munches. "Generosity's dead."
"But she sang a song about that jelly-or-city thing. She even gave Dinky food and medicine. The one who taught Dinky, that is." Dinky said. "She was a really nice white unicorn with long purple hair."
The voice scoffed derisively. "Tsk. Yeah, I know her. The altar-mare. Loyal dog of Ahuizotl, goes around giving pity away to everybull. Thinks herself all high and noble-like." He muttered.
"But if everypony was like that, we'd never be hungry. So isn't it a good idea?" Dinky reasoned.
"Hahahah!" The voice suddenly broke out laughing. "Whoah, kid, just; whoah!"
"Dinky doesn't understand. What's so funny?" Dinky asked, frowning while tilting her head to one side, as if trying to wrap her head around his laughter.
The voice managed to settle into a light chuckle. "Nothing, nothing kid. You just remind me of my son, Iron Will, back when he was just a calf. No, you children are right. It is a good idea. But the world has too many bad people with bad ideas."
"Like the people who should be sharing food with you?" Dinky asked. "If they shared more you wouldn't have gone hungry, right?"
"Tell that to them," he scoffed. "Oh well, fingers crossed for tomorrow."
"Oh. If they forget tomorrow then Dinky will bring you some food, Mister." Dinky offered, kindly. "Oh, Dinky needs to go. Dinky shouldn't stay here too long," she said, remembering she was technically on the run. She quickly pulled what was left of her loaf of bread onto her back before trotting off. "Bye, Mister!"
"Hey, kid, no! You shouldn't come back here...oh, bullocks." The voice muttered. "Darn it, Iron Will, she really is just like you."
Dinky quietly trotted her way back past the hoofer's market, now relatively more settled, or about as settled as it could be after a massive rainbow flood. She paused to give a silent long-distance apology to the owners of the rainbow storage tank and the lightning forge, two pegasi who were busy arguing over whose fault it was.
From there it was just a stone's throw as the pegasus flies back to her home. In a dark alleyway between the local pegasus-feather quill factory and a tavern, there was a wooden box housing a little tuft of hay. It was helpfully labelled with a little caricature of Dinky's face drawn in charcoal.
She kept a cracked little bowl in front. Above it was a little artist's impression of an apple on a cardboard sign pointing to it. She left it in the hopes that somepony might be kind enough to share what little they had. She checked it as she did daily, though she didn't hold her breath.
She wished she had. For there was something in it that day. It wasn't food or money. Rather, somepony had very kindly tinkled in her bowl.
"Oh, hi, whatshername. I came to visit but you weren't around. I waited but then I felt like using your little filly's room. Hope you don't mind," a voice about as friendly as a flying brick stated venomously. “I like the drawing above it. It helps remind you where your poop goes, does it? I guess it’s easy to forget when you live surrounded by garbage.”
"Oh, h-hello, Ms. Diamond Tiara, Ms. Silver Spoon." Dinky said, quickly pushing her haybread into the safety of the shadow behind the bowl. She then steeled herself as she slowly turned around to face the bane of her life, the daughter of the local pony minister to lord Ahuizotl, Diamond Tiara. Dinky knew full well how easily Diamond Tiara could get half the guard hunting her down. So she bore with her as best as she could. "And Ms. Silver Spoon." She gave a little nod to the other filly present, Diamond Tiara's permanent shadow, Silver Spoon. The shadow filly even shared Diamond Tiara's expression, all the way down to her smug smirk.
Diamond Tiara’s smug smile only widened as she reached into her saddle bags. "I came by to show you something. I know you'll never have one, so I thought I'd be kind and show you mine."
Dinky sighed inwardly. It was probably going to be yet another new toy or dress or something, things Dinky has long since managed to convince herself she could do without, albeit with great difficulty. Well, she'll consider it a passing distraction for the evening, at least.
Diamond Tiara drew out a piece of parchment with her mouth before rearing back on her rearhooves. "I drew this at the church school. See how amazing it is?" She bragged, holding the parchment with her forehooves as she allowed it to unfurl.
Dinky gave a little gasp. It was a simple drawing, not particularly noteworthy. But it bore the cartoon likeness of what must be Diamond Tiara's mother, father and herself. They were seated around a table bearing a feast so lavish it made her piece of haybread look like crumbs under the table. Dinky had never even imagined it possible to have that much food at the same time. Around the little family the outline of a home and a roof kept the darkness of the night beyond at bay.
It was everything. It was everything Dinky could ever want for. It was everything she didn't have.
And it hurt.
Dinky struggled to fight back the tears. At the very least, she would not allow Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon the satisfaction of seeing her break down like she has done so many times in the past.
"You could make one too if you had some charcoal," Diamond Tiara said, mock-soothingly. "Silver Spoon, give me the fireworks," she commanded, raising a forehoof towards her crony.
"Wait." Silver Spoon did a double take, her smile quickly fading. "I thought you were joking, DT. You can't seriously..."
"Just give me the fireworks," Diamond Tiara snapped, impatiently, pulling a large red sparkler tube and a piece of flint from Silver Spoon's saddlebags.
"Uh, Ms. Diamond Tiara, Dinky already has plenty of charco-..." Dinky began.
"With this you'll have all the charcoal you want," Diamond Tiara said, making a show of looking around. "Now we just need something to burn,” she pondered, eyeing the wooden box. “Ahah! This old piece of garbage will do."
"Wait, DT." Silver Spoon gasped. "That's her house!" She protested.
"What? Nopony could live in something like this. Don't be so insulting, Silver Spoon," Diamond Tiara laughed, lighting the sparkler tube. “Garbage sleeps with the garbage, after all.”
"DT! Stop it! You can't...!" Silver Spoon rushed out. But before she could stop her, Diamond Tiara had tossed the sparkler tube into the wooden box. The dry wood erupted into flames almost instantly, adding its fiery crackle to the sparkler's angry hiss. "DT...." Silver Spoon groaned in disappointed exasperation. But it was done. And nopony could do anything but watch the flames flicker and crackle, consuming the box with frightful efficiency.
"There, instant charcoal. Just add fire," Diamond Tiara trilled, jovially. "How's that, Pee-bowl? Excited? Happy? No need to thank me."
To her irritation, however, Dinky was seemingly impassive to her taunts, her eyes staring emptily into the fire.
"Hey, hello?" Diamond Tiara called out. "That's your garbage box on fire, or are you too dumb to even understand that?" She waved a forehoof in front of Dinky's eyes. But the dawn-lilac filly remained silent, the only signs of life being the fire flickering in her unblinking eyes. "Hey, Pee-Bowl? Equus to Pee-Bowl?" Diamond Tiara sighed, throwing up her forehooves in exasperation. "This is dumb. It's like talking to a wall. I'm bored already. Let's go, Silver Spoon." She waved her crony after her.
Silver Spoon hesitated, shooting Dinky one last look, before obediently trudging off after Diamond Tiara.
Dinky slowly, carefully, followed their departure by gazing at the reflection in one of the windows in the quill factory. Satisfied that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were gone, she gave a little sigh of relief. Well, that wasn't too bad, she decided, cooly.
She first trotted up to the bowl and carefully disposed of its contents on the fire. After emptying the last of it she bucked it away into a pile of rubbish in a corner. She ducked into a corner of the alleyway and dipped into her stash of cracked bowls she had salvaged from the tavern next door. She selected a cheerful pink one, deciding it'd last a week before Diamond's next visit. After replacing her bowl she eyed the smouldering remains of her wooden box. "That's a lot of charcoal. Thank you, Ms. Diamond Tiara," she said, tearing a piece off with her mouth for later use. She retrieved her haybread and then, without another thought for the box, she trotted off into a secluded corner of the alleyway.
There, built into the wall of the tavern, was a low window looking into a basement store room. She pushed her piece of haybread in ahead of herself before crawling in after it. A short climb down a set of crates and shelves, and she was 'home' in her long-abandoned basement.
Of course she didn't live in a wooden box in an alleyway. It was cold, drafty and wet out there. Plus it was just asking for trouble from the likes of Diamond Tiara and other assorted bullies. But she kept her decoys well-maintained exactly for that purpose. That said, she'd have to pick out another empty crate from the stash by the tavern next door, but she could do that another day. She'll allow the bullies a sense of victory for at least a day or two.
She carefully deposited her bread in a cool, dark upended stone basin in one corner that served as her pantry. She then padded over to a warm little nest of assorted hay and sacking that was her bed. She stepped around in it in circles, stomping out the dust, forming a little niche for herself, before curling up in it, easily making herself warm and comfortable.
She eyed the pile of cardboard pieces arrayed by her bed, her stationery supply of sorts. She decided that even Diamond Tiara gave good suggestions sometimes. Perhaps it was a good opportunity to scribble something nice. She lit up her little horn, allowing its gentle glow to illuminate the darkness just enough for her to see her work. She then gripped the charcoal piece tightly in her mouth as she prepared to commit her imagination to the cardboard piece.
She tapped her chin with her hoof thoughtfully. 'He would be big, with big wide hooves to hold and hug Dinky,' she thought to herself as she began scribbling. 'And he'd have a big, fuzzy mane for Dinky to curl up in. And he'd have the biggest, funniest grin. And he would always make Dinky smile and laugh. Because...' She paused to regard the manically grinning giant she had doodled in charcoal. '...because he loves Dinky, forever and ever.' She sighed, propping the little picture up in front of her bed.
She reached out with a forehoof, caressing it against the giant's cheek. She gave it one last fond smile before letting the light from her horn dim. "Good night, daddy." She whispered as she curled up to sleep. She imagined those big strong forehooves tucking her in to bed, that funny but warm smile tenderly kissing her goodnight. She fell asleep gazing at the picture, feeling safe and secure for the first time in a long, long time under its watchful eye.
That night she dreamt of a strange but funny stallion named 'Mr. Muffins'. He spoke funny, acted funny, even walked funny, but he was honest and sincere, and he loved Dinky more than there were stars in the sky. Together they planted a big pink tree of happiness in a shining crystal palace that shed happy fruit all across the world, making everypony happy forever and ever.
It was a good dream.
A week passed uneventfully, or at least uneventful by Dinky's standards. She did get caught once, but she had managed to escape when she tricked the guardsfelis into thinking he hadn't locked her holding cell's door, making him turn the key again, unwittingly unlocking her cell. It helped that they thought the runaway fugitive was a little white filly with a black mane.
Every day of that week she had visited her new friend at the lockup, bringing him something to eat. They chatted about many things, mostly about Dinky and her own life at first. Dinky told him how she had lived on the streets for as long as she could remember, growing up shuffling from the pity of one pony to the next, before finally building her own home and making her own way. Dinky told him many things. For the first time in her life, she had somepony to share it with. It was the greatest luxury she had ever enjoyed. And so she shared as much as she could. Her new friend didn't speak much about himself, but seemed more than happy to listen.
"....and the ponies at the thunder forge finally finished all the rainbow cannons for tomorrow's festival," Dinky described excitedly. "Dinky doesn't know what it's about, but they're celebrating somepony really important or something. And there'll be lots of fireworks and music! It'll be so much fun to watch!"
"Heh, that's great. I'm sure you'll have lots of fun, Dinky. You deserve it." The voice chuckled at the little filly's animated account.
"Hmm, but you won't be able to see any of the fireworks from here, Mister." Dinky said gloomily, looking up at the lofty district ceiling high above them. "Oh, Dinky knows! Dinky can bring you some fireworks to set off right here." A grin arose on her face as she began tapping her forehooves together at the brilliant idea.
"Eh, it's alright, kid. Not really a fireworks kinda guy, to be honest," he admitted. "Listen, let me tell you something even better than fireworks."
"Really?" Dinky's ears perked up, interested.
"Really really," the voice said. "Have you ever heard of the Dolphin Comet?" He asked, all of a sudden.
"Um, no? What's a co-met? Or a doll-fin?" Dinky asked, curious.
"It's like a shootin' star. It only comes around once every one hundred years or so," her friend explained. "It's special, cause it is the 'sharing' comet. It's a twin comet, made up of two parts that share one body."
"One hundred years sounds like an awful long time, mister." Dinky mused, thoughtfully.
"Well, that one hundred years is tomorrow, Dinky," the voice chuckled. "Tell you what. I'll let you in on a little secret."
"Really?" Dinky's eyes shone excitedly as she sidled up closer to the bars to listen. "Dinky likes secrets."
"But you need to promise to keep this a secret, alright? If you tell anypony, the magic will be broken."
"Uh... but you're telling Dinky. Doesn't that break the magic?" Dinky asked.
"Ouch, you're sharp." The voice chuckled. There was a pause. "Uh, well, yeah, it will, but only for me. And I'm stuck here anyway. But the magic will definitely work for you if you do what I say."
"Uhuh." Dinky nodded, eagerly. Her eyes widened as something sparkly was pushed out in between the bars right before her snout. It was a bright golden yellow gem, almost as big as her eyes.
"You need to take this to a room in the highest tower on the northern side tomorrow. If you do it in time for the comet to pass, you can make a wish on it. And the comet will grant anything you desire. Simple, right?"
"Um, what's a 'wish'?" Dinky asked, tilting her head to one side.
"Oh, uh... Well, it's something you really really want. I guess. And when you say it out loud to the comet, it'll grant it," the voice said.
"Wow, that's amazing, mister!" Dinky exclaimed excitedly, scooping up the gem carefully. "What's your wish, Mister? Maybe Dinky can make it for you so you get to have a wish too. Then Dinky can come back tomorrow and tell you if it worked."
"Uh, about that...." He took a deep breath. "Listen, Dinky. I won't be here tomorrow."
"Oh?" Dinky looked up in surprise. "Oh, that's alright. Dinky can come the day after. It'll be a Tuesday. Tuesday is haybread day. Dinky will try and bring some haybread then."
"I won't be here then either." The voice sighed, deeply.
"Then...." Dinky began, frowning a little. "Maybe the day after? It'll be a Wednesday, so...."
"Listen, Dinky," the voice said flatly. "There'll come a day, a day when somepony comes to save us all, when somepony comes to free all of Equus, when somepony finally puts an end to Ahuizotl and his crimes."
"Really?" Dinky asked.
"That time is near," he said. "And when he comes, I'm sure he'll save you too."
"You think so, Mister?" Dinky gasped, ecstatic. "Oh, Dinky can't wait to meet him."
"Now, I don't have much time left. Dinky, can you please do me a favour?" He suddenly asked.
"Um, yes, Dinky can. What is it?" Dinky asked, generously.
"I have a son." The voice sighed. "He's all I have left. His name's Iron Will. I know this is a stretch, but..." He paused for a while, before taking a deep breath. "Please, if you see him, please give him a message for me."
"Alright." Dinky nodded. "What is it?"
"’A stampede starts with a single word. But a horde needs a heart and a soul,’" the voice stated solemnly. Dinky repeated this a few times, making sure she committed it to memory just right.
"Thank you, Dinky," the voice finally muttered in a thankful voice when Dinky was able to recite the words perfectly. "I owe you, little filly."
"Dinky'll find him and give him your message, Mister. But Dinky will try and bring him here as well so you can tell him yourself," Dinky promised. "Dinky is sure he'd want to see you. If Dinky had a daddy, Dinky would want to see him every single day."
There was a lengthy pause. Then a sigh and a little chuckle. "You're a good filly, Dinky. The world would be a much better place led by children like you and my son. I'd love to see that; a world ruled by you, by Empress Dinky, the Wise."
"But... Dinky doesn't want to rule nopony. Dinky wants everypony to be happy," Dinky said, frowning.
"Both of those things are exactly what would make you a good Empress, Dinky." The voice noted with a hint of fondness. "Remember that, my little Empress."
"Alright, Mister." Dinky didn't quite get it, but agreeing seemed like a good idea. "Oh, it's already dark again. Dinky needs to go home." She noticed the artificial lighting in the ceiling above dim, heralding the twilight hours. "Dinky will see you on Wednesday then, Mister," she said, cheerfully, as she trotted off.
"Take care, Dinky." The voice replied, fondly. "Live well."
The following afternoon found Dinky carrying an entire saddlebag full of treats and even some spare fireworks. There's nothing like a big festival to make everypony a little generous. And Dinky was as accepting as she was giving as far as generosity went. While her street-smarts would normally have her go home to secure her stash for the day, she felt like making a stop to see her friend, maybe even show him the fireworks she got.
She trotted across the Hoofer Market, admiring the colourful festival decorations festooning every bit of it. Statuettes and pictures of lord Ahuizotl was on display everywhere, bedecked with flowers, a rarity down in the Hoofer District. It took a herculean effort on her part to not reach out and take a bite out of the delicious-looking blossoms. But what caught her eyes the most were the families out in their celebratory best. Everywhere she looked there were mothers shepherding their daughters, fathers carrying their sons.
Ah, but this would be the day she would make her wish, she reminded herself. Soon she too will have parents, a warm home, a family to call her own.
The thought allowed her to smile the rest of the way to the lockup. "Hello, Mister!" She called out as she arrived at the cell window where her friend resided. She was greeted by her own empty echo. She frowned at the silence. "Hello?" She ventured again, a little louder. "Mister? Dinky has some sweets today, and plenty of food too," she coaxed, growing more and more nervous by the minute. She inched closer to the bars, squinting as she peered into the darkness within. "Mister? Are you there?"
"Mister, please...?" She called out, one last time.
"I'M HERE!" A loud booming voice bellowed behind her. She almost leapt out of her fur as she fell over forwards, spilling the contents of her saddlebags all over the floor.
"Ahahahahahah!" Familiar giggles rang out. Dinky sighed as she recognized them as the all-too-familiar voices of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
"Hello, Ms. Diamond Tiara, Ms. Silver Spoon," she said, slowly picking herself up. She spared the two bullies a quick glance before eyeing the treats lying on the ground, biting her lip as she tried to work out which ones weren't too badly ruined.
"Are you looking for your friend?" Silver Spoon smirked.
"Oh my, you have friends?!" Diamond Tiara gasped in mock surprise. "I think this calls for a celebration! Oh, wait, I think they're already celebrating your friend today." Her smile turned into her usual evil gloat.
"Huh?" Dinky's heart sank. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"Just listen. They're announcing it now," Diamond Tiara said.
"Greetings, fellow faithfuls." A monotone yet resolute voice boomed across the entire Hoofer District, amplified manifold by an exceptionally powerful sound-amplification spell. "Praise be to lord Ahuizotl, the one just and holy god, our guardian and saviour. Today we gather to celebrate the Ordermakings Eve Festival, commemorating the ascension of the Elements of Order exactly one thousand years ago now. In celebration of the Order that lord Ahuizotl and his Elements have brought us, today we shall together witness the end of a number of Order's enemies, including the nefarious rebel, Steel Horn."
"That's your friend," Diamond Tiara gloated. "On his way to the traitor's walk. Silver Spoon and I were on our way to watch, maybe throw a few rocks. Then I thought you might want to come along. Aren't we nice?"
Dinky remained silent. She was too busy trying to understand. He was kind. He was nice. Why would anypony want to hurt him? It made no sense!
'The world has too many bad people with bad ideas,' she remembered him say. He wasn't bad. The world was. That must be it. An expression she wasn't familiar with grew on her face. A boiling emotion beyond any upset she had ever bored festered within her.
She knew what she would wish for.
Punishments are for the naughty. And the world had been too naughty for too long.
She would wish for punishment for the whole world. Everypony, everything!
"Awww, sad that your only friend ever is going to die soon?" Diamond Tiara smirked as she paced around Dinky like a shark closing in for the kill. "Don't worry, let me tell you something that might make you feel better. He..." She licked her lips with relish, "...was never your friend. He has no friends. He’s a traitor. He's everypony's enemy. He's always been alone. And he will be when he dies. Just like garbage. Just. Like. You." She rammed the last few words home with her forehoof on Dinky's chest.
To her surprise Dinky didn't remain silent and downcast as she normally did. Diamond Tiara gave a little gasp, staggering backwards when she saw the furious glare in Dinky's tearful eyes. "You win!" The dawn-lilac filly suddenly shrieked at the top of her lungs. "You win! You win, alright?! You WIN! The whole world wins! Today, you all win!" 'But tomorrow, tomorrow you will all be punished! You, the world, everypony!' She screamed inwardly.
Diamond Tiara seemed taken aback a little by Dinky's sudden outburst at first. But she wasn't one to miss even a moment of gloating. "Of course I win. I always win," she said smugly. "I win so much I..." She was interrupted by a bright flash of light erupting from her flanks. "H-huh?" She blinked, looking around over her withers. "Wh-what was that?" She asked, suddenly frightened.
"Th-there's something on your flank, some sort of mark." Silver Spoon gasped. "Are you alright, DT?" She quickly rushed to her friend's side. Her flank was quickly enveloped in light too. "M-my flank's shining too!" She squeaked in fear, turning round and round in circles as she tried to look at it. "W-what's happening to us?" She cried in panic.
"I-I don't know!" Diamond Tiara cried, earnest tears welling up in her eyes. "I-I want my daddy!"
Dinky gasped. "Wh-what's h-happening?" She took a few steps back. "N-no, Dinky couldn't have...?" She raised her forehooves to her mouth as she realized what she had wished for. "N-no! Dinky hasn't even seen the comet! T-this can't be..." But she realized she had wished them both harm. And now something had happened to them, goodness knows what. It was her fault. It must be.
"W-what if..." Her eyes widened, quickly filling up with tears, "W-what if this happened to the whole world because D-Dinky wished it?" Pure horror filled her. "O-oh no! Dinky needs to fix this." Dinky whispered, urgently, "Dinky needs to save that Mister too. Dinky needs to fix the whole world!" She peered into the her saddlebags. The gem from that Mister was still there.
There was only one thing she could do. Her mind ran faster than it had ever run before. No, her previous plan to get up to the tower would no longer work, not in the time she had. She'd need something faster, no matter the cost, no matter the risk.
Yes, that was the only way. Her little hooves tensed up. Cold fear chilled her heart at the thought. If she were caught carrying out such an impossible plan, it wouldn't be just a few days in the lockup, it'd be straight to the traitor's walk. Dare she risk it? She was just a little filly. All she really wanted was to finally break down and cry, to shut out the world with her own cries and tears, even for just a while.
But that was not an option. For all she knew she just broke the entire world with her wish. Now she had to fix it.
She raised her head. There was no more room for doubt. She broke into a gallop, running as fast as she could, scattering her ruined treats aside. She didn't spare the two bullies another look. She ran, she ran and she ran. She dove through crowds, wove in between legs, dashed under carts and stalls. She finally reached the end of the Hoofer district, an open-air gallery cut into the massive cliff overlooking the magnificent waterfall that gave the city its name, Neighara Falls. Here the open sky was visible, the perfect place for the fireworks display, hence the array of fireworks batteries and rainbow cannons lining the edge of the opening.
Without slowing down she reached into her saddlebags and pulled out one of the sparkler tube fireworks. She rammed it into the floor as she ran, allowing the friction to light it. It sparked to life, crackling furiously. Without another thought she dove under the fireworks batteries and began lighting them all as she ran along the entire gallery.
An explosive roar filled the air in her wake as the batteries of fireworks came alive, spitting rocket after blazing rocket into the air above the gallery. The fireworks erupted into fiery blossoms in the air, drawing the attention of everypony on the gallery, including the Felis guards.
Then, abandoning her sparkler as it burned out, she leapt atop a raised turret housing the last rainbow cannon at the end of the gallery. Satisfied nopony was watching her, she eyed the rainbow cannon's mechanisms. She had watched the ponies at the thunder forge work on these so she had some idea of how it worked. She began turning the handle to rotate the turret, aiming the cannon for the highest tower on the north side in the higher districts above.
"Hey, hoofer, what're you doing?!" A heated voice shouted behind her. Her heart threatened to leap into her head and erupt out of her ears. It was the guards! And she didn't have a disguise on either! But she had no time to freeze in fear. She turned another handle, raising the turret's snout, squinting as she aimed it for the tower.
"Get down from there! That's for lord Ahuizotl's celebration!" The voice barked angrily. Hurried footsteps approached, accompanied by the clatter of loose armour. "You're under arrest, hoofer! Get off that thing right now!"
Biting her lip, Dinky prayed. She wasn't sure who she was praying to, but she prayed anyway, prayed with all of her heart that this would work. She pulled her ears down against her head with her forehooves. She bit the trigger cord with her mouth. With one almighty tug of her head, she ripped the cord free.
A violent explosion rocked the turret platform. The deafening roar shook Dinky to the core, sending her rolling onto her side. She just about managed to spy out the Felis guards behind her, clutching their ears in agony as they fell to their knees. She aimed her gaze to the sky. What was left of her breath left her. The cannon had blasted a wave of rainbow light high up into the air in a graceful arc, right into the tower.
With the guards down, it was her chance. She rolled onto her hooves and leapt atop the cannon's muzzle, running up to its very lip where the rainbow began. Now was the moment of truth. She had overheard the lightning forge pegasi talk about how real unicorns can trot on rainbows as easily as any pegasus.
She looked down. Below her was a sheer drop straight into lake Neighara below. Well, now she got to find out if she was a real unicorn. She took a deep breath. She reached out with one forehoof and closed her eyes.
She took a step.
And another.
And then another.
She opened her eyes.
She did it. She was walking on rainbows. She gave a little squeal of excitement as she picked up her pace, breaking into a canter straight for the tower high above the city.
The guards below shouted something indistinct after her but she paid them no heed. They wouldn't be able to follow her up here. She was home free, at least for the time being. She allowed herself to revel in the feeling of the breeze against her mane, the fresh damp air of the falls in her chest and the sheer freedom of walking through the very sky.
"She's walking... on rainbows," the guardsfelis stared, dumbstruck. "That's... impossible." He gaped.
"You can tell her that. I don't think she knows," his fellow guard commented, nodding at the hoofer streetling bounding up the rainbow as if it was just another hillock.
"But she's just a teeny one," the guardsfelis argued. "I'm a caith-sidhe Felis; I know my magic. Only the most powerful of their unicorns can do that."
"Eh, doesn't matter." The more laid-back guard shrugged. "That rainbow will disappear in a while and there's no way down from that tower she's going to. We'll just wait here till the rainbow disappears. Either way, she's trapped."
"Huh, good thinking, boss," the caith sidhe felis said.
"Of course. That's why I'm the boss," the boss responded.
There was too much breeze. Dinky cowered against the fierce wind buffeting her about, threatening to blow her off the rainbow. She pressed her body against the shimmering band of colours as she scooted along slowly. Below her airships lazily drifted in and out through the gigantic crystal gates set into the mountain, the only entrance in and out of the Crystal Valley. Around the gates the magnificent Gate City of Neighara sprawled, gleaming in the dwindling sunset, surrounded by the roaring curtains of the Neighara Falls.
Immediately beneath her now was the Crystal District, the seat of Neighara city’s government. On its northernmost side, overlooking the entire city like a watchful sentry, was the tower. It was within a stone's throw now. She could even see a window she could jump through once she's close enough. Just a little more....
Her next step felt oddly loose. She blinked. She chanced a glance down.
The rainbow was slowly dissolving away. She could feel herself slowly sink through it.
Her heart raced again as she broke into another frenzied gallop. No, it was no longer time for half measures. She had to hoof it or lose it.
She galloped and galloped as fast as her little hooves would carry her. The tower seemed so far away through the veil of tears and sweat in her eyes. There was no way she'd make it! It was too far! She'll just fall down and...
....and nopony will save that poor Mister. Nopony will help Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Nopony will save the world.
She blinked the tears out of her eyes as she galloped on against the fierce wind, pushing her little hooves out against the rapidly disappearing rainbow. She had to make it. She had to. She wasn't alone anymore. She had others to fight for. And she will make it!
With one last desperate lunge she kicked off the last of the rainbow. She soared. The tower seemed to glide towards her. She gave a loud squeak of fear as the window came closer, and closer. She'll make it! Just another hoof! Just another inch!
She missed.
She slammed against the wall of the tower under the window. Stars exploded in her eyes from the impact. Her head reeled in pain. Her heart dropped into her stomach as she realized there would be nothing between her and her grave way down below.
This was it.
But what was this?
Her forehooves felt something. It felt like an edge; the window ledge! She held her breath as she struggled to tug herself up, her rearhooves scrambling against the wall to pull the rest of her body after her.
With one last scurry of her little hooves she pulled herself all the way through the window and into the dark, empty circular room beyond.
She lay for a while, panting for breath. Never had she exerted herself so, not even when running from the guards. She gave a few hiccups as she curled up into a trembling little ball. Relief and terror washed over her together, causing her to break into weak, weary little whimpers.
A strange heat against her withers caused her to almost jump. She looked down and noticed her saddlebag glowing an ominous yellow. She gave one last little whinny as she recalled why she was there. Yes, every minute mattered.
She pulled out the little yellow gem in her forehooves. She cast her eyes at the gathering twilight, looking for her prize. And then sure enough, it was there, streaking through the night sky trailing a brilliant golden glow, almost as if it were casting stars in its wake. The Dolphin Comet had come.
Dinky clutched the gem close against her chest and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. She knew what she would wish for now. It was clear, clearer than ever. "Dinky's sorry, Dinky's sorry for what Dinky did. Please, Mr. Dolphin Comet, please grant Dinky's wish, just this once." She pleaded, fervently. "Dinky promises, Dinky promises Dinky will always always give anything Dinky has, that Dinky will work very very hard for anypony who needs Dinky's help, if you'll let Dinky be selfish with this one wish, just this once. Dinky wishes, Dinky really really wishes, for you to bring us the one who will save us all, the one who can save that poor Mister, who can save Ms. Diamond Tiara and Ms. Silver Spoon, save everypony, save all the world, so he can fix Dinky's mistake! Please, Mr. Dolphin Comet, please please please grant Dinky this one selfish wish."
She felt a warmth erupt forth from both her flanks. She opened her eyes and looked around. Both her flanks were bathed with a mysterious prismatic light. She gave a little squeak of fear as she fell back onto her rump, eyeing the strange glow with growing dread. Whatever had happened to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon was finally happening to her too. This must be her punishment for making that awful wish. She watched with pained resignation as the glow receded, leaving a mark on her flanks. It looked like fish, a pair of them, swimming around each other, sharing one circle.
Meanwhile, the gem in her forehooves grew warmer and warmer. Dinky gasped as it pulled away from her clutches, floating up into the air. The glow grew to a blinding glare. A flash of light erupted forth from it, bathing the entire room in its brilliant golden yellow glow.
"Activation command from Coordination Core Unit EQ-03, codename Crystal Heart, confirmed." A cool, almost sleepy female voice announced. "Coordination Core Unit EQ - 06, codename QT Heart, deactivating hibernation protocols." There was a loud yawn as the blinding light finally dissolved away.
Dinky finally dared open her eyes, blinking away the stars from the bright light. As her eyes readjusted to the darkness she just about spotted a figure lying on what looked like a circular bed that she was quite sure was not there when she arrived. The figure looked like a pony, specifically a pegasus judging by the wide wings sprawled on either side of her. Though she was also possibly a unicorn judging by her horn.
Dinky blinked. 'How is that possible,' she thought to herself with a frown. But what she found even more inexplicable was the loud snoring emanating from the odd creature.
"Hello?" She ventured.
"Mmm, another one hundred years." The strange creature murmured, sleepily.
"Um, Dinky is pretty sure Dinky can't come back in one hundred years," Dinky stated with uncertainty.
"A thousand then," the figure yawned, turning over.
"A-are you the one who's going to save us all?" Dinky asked, worriedly. Thus far, it didn't look very promising. But if anything, Dinky was at least hopeful.
The mysterious mare slowly raised her head off her bed. Dinky finally managed to get a good look at her. She was a creamy yellow mare, though slightly on the petite side for an adult. Her long, silky pink and magenta mane and tail lay tousled all around her. The strange mare eyed Dinky for a while, frowning as if considering her question. Then she looked at her left forehoof, then the other, mouth moving silently as if counting something. She then shifted her gaze to her tail, having run out of hooves to count on. She then straightened up, as if finally coming to a conclusion. "I don't know. Am I?" She asked, groggy exhaustion taking a brief respite. "I am certainly yellow now, maybe a creamy yellow. Oh, but I've always been a creamy yellow," she said in a lazy drawl.
"Let me look at my day planner." She reached out for a bedside table which Dinky was again sure wasn't there just a moment before. Atop it was a little black book and what looked like one of those clock things. "My day planner is... one thousand years late. I wonder why Crystal Heart didn't wake me up until now. I only went off for a little nap." She frowned. "She would normally be breaking my door down for this."
"Please, you need to hurry," Dinky pleaded a little more urgently. "A poor mister is about to die!"
"I see." The mare straightened up quickly, horn suddenly glowing bright. "Nopony dies needlessly in my city." She declared, eyes glowing a bright white. "Wait, there are no MiniHearts active in the city? Are they all slacking off again?" Said the one who had just taken a one thousand year nap. "Linking into citywide crystal grid instead. Ah..." She bit her lip. "If you meant this... this barbarism tainting my city square... then I'm afraid it's too late." She closed her eyes, looking away. "They're... they're done." As if punctuating her words, the night sky behind her lit up with a myriad of fireworks blossoming brilliantly in multitudes of colour against the gathering darkness.
The loud explosions outside drowned out the cries of anguish from the little filly. Everything, everything she had borne with her usual faint smile and silent perseverance, all simply spilled out all at once. She cried and she cried, her tears running free and unabated for the first time in a lifetime.
The mysterious mare seemed to hesitate, seemingly unsure of what to do. For a while she just sat, transfixed, as if the sudden outburst of emotion from the filly was the most alien thing she had ever seen. Then, finally, she reached out, patting Dinky awkwardly on the head. "I am sorry; I failed you. I failed this entire city." she whispered, sounding sincerely apologetic. "I have very little operating capacity. I have no Emperor to provide me with power. But I shall restore this city and flush out these barbarians, so help me Harmony," she growled.
"Then get to it," a voice at the other side of the room ordered.
Dinky quickly leapt onto her hooves, blinking away her tears as she eyed the robed figure stepping up from the shadows. The figure lowered her cowl to reveal a flaming sunset yellow and red mane topping a fiery yellow mare. A pair of brilliant sapphire eyes gleamed with fierce purpose as she cast her eyes on both the mysterious creamy yellow mare and Dinky herself. Dinky couldn't help but shrink away a little as the mare advanced with grim determination in her hoofsteps.
"You have your directives from Crystal Heart. You need to activate your summoning node," the robed mare said. "Tonight is the night. ’On the shortest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in his return, and he will bring about freedom eternal.’"
"Sunny, isn't it?" The creamy yellow one asked, eyeing the new arrival warily. "Crystal Heart told me about you in the directive she just gave me. But I can't help but question, what is it you plan to do by summoning the Crystal Emperor?"
"I don't have to answer your questions. You have a directive. Now execute it," the robed mare snapped, impatiently.
"Hmm. Very well. An Emperor would go a long way in helping me clear this city of these... barbaric interlopers." The creamy yellow one nodded. "This will consume what little energy reserves I have left. I shall have to resort to low-power functioning until the Emperor himself comes here."
"That's fine. We shall make recapturing the gate city our priority. Until then, do as Crystal Heart instructed. Send any information on major movement in and out of the Gate City to her. We need to know if Ahuizotl makes a move against us."
"Very well. Give her and my Emperor my regards," the creamy yellow one acquiesced. "Little one," she said, nodding at Dinky. "I thank you for waking me up. I admit the time of action is long overdue. I apologize that I was not able to save your friend. But I will now work to summon the one you ask for, the one who will save the world."
"Um, thank you, miss...." Dinky trailed off, unsure of who to call the mare.
"You may call me QT Heart. You have earned that right, little hero," the mare said. "I look forwards to our meeting again." She closed her eyes. "Directing all power to summoning nodes. Activating low-power mode." She gave a loud yawn, stretching a little, before curling up as if preparing to sleep. Her body gave out a soft, golden glow. Then, just as suddenly as she had reappeared, she disappeared into a shower of twinkling sparkles.
Dinky was frozen, dumbstruck. She didn't understand even a bit of what just happened. She ventured an apprehensive look over at the robed mare in the hopes of an answer or two. The robed mare, thankfully, didn't keep her waiting long. "So, you brought the directive crystal here, I see." Her eyes glared questioningly at Dinky. "What happened to Steel Hoof? That was his mission."
"You mean that Mister?" Dinky's head fell in answer. "He...he's..." She closed her eyes as a new wave of tears struck her. If only she had known, if only she was stronger, she would have saved him herself.
"I see." The mare nodded, trotting over to Dinky. "It's... uh, it's alright," she mumbled, awkwardly, placing an uncertain forehoof on Dinky's mane, in what was probably an effort to comfort her. "He... he was a good person. It's alright to cry for him, I suppose." She looked down at her own forehooves for a moment. "And you've achieved what he came here to do. You've summoned the Crystal Emperor for us. I'm sure he can rest in peace now," the mare nodded, mostly to herself.
"You don’t have to, at least for now," the mare said. "I will be taking you to see the Crystal Emperor, after all."
"The one who will save us?" Dinky asked, looking up at the strange mare's sapphire blue eyes. But her expression was strangely unreadable. "B-but, why does Dinky have to come?"
"You're marked," the mare said, simply, nodding at the mark on Dinky's flank.
"W-what does it mean?" Dinky asked, worriedly.
"It means you're not safe here. Not anymore," the mare stated, simply. "You will have to come with me if you wish to stay alive."
"Oh..." Dinky considered what it was she was leaving. Not much, admittedly, but it was everything she had ever known. Still, to finally meet the promised saviour, the very prospect made her feel at least a little excited. After all, she had made a promise with Mr. Dolphin Comet to help everypony in the world. What better way to achieve that than to help the one who will save the whole world?
Wait, weren't there two others she had to help? "Miss, there are two other fillies who are marked like me," she explained, quickly. "Are they in danger too?"
The mare gave her a grim look. "Yes, they will need to come with us." She nodded. "We can pick them up on our way out. We have a long journey ahead of us." She waved Dinky towards a door. "Lead the way."
Dinky gave a little nod as she led the way to the door. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. Until that day all she expected from the future was a loaf of haybread at the end of a long day’s work. Suddenly her life had become more uncertain than ever. But if there was one thing she could be certain about; it was that her wish had somehow, someway been granted.
The saviour of the world was on his way, and she would finally meet him.
The OverSexy OverPheromones Don't Have an 'Off' Button, Okay?!
“I’m Captain Spitfire, Ahuizotl’s Flaming Hot Firebolt.”
"Sorry, what?" I frowned. "I only got the 'flaming hot' bit. I agree though, I definitely am."
"She wasn't talking about you," Trixie hissed aside to me.
"Oh." I frowned, cocking my head to one side in deep thought. "Who else could it be?"
"The Captain Spitfire?!" Sona's voice dripped with uncharacteristic venom. Her golden bat eyes glinted dangerously as they narrowed on the pegasus captain. “You were the one who led the purge on Hollow Shades!” she suddenly cried accusingly, her one good wing flaring angrily.
“Oh…” The pegasus’ attempt at an impassive expression was betrayed by her widening pupils. “Yes, I remember you, hon. You were their sonar scout. Weren’t you the one asleep on duty?”
Without another word, Sona launched herself at Spitfire with a mighty flap of her one good wing. The flap sent her spinning round and round into the air, allowing her to deliver a surprisingly good drop kick aimed right at Spiftfire's withers.
Spitfire, however, was ready for her. She rolled her entire body around with a flap of her own wings, taking the momentum of Sona's flying kick and using it to grab her by her hoof and slam her into the ground.
“Eeeee-ooff!” Sona gave a plushie-like squeak as she was pinned into the ground.
“Hey!” I took a step forward, but Trixie was quick to put a hoof out to stop me.
“We need to run,” the magician hissed at me. “That’s the Captain Spitfire. We don’t have a chance. Trixie’s surprised she didn’t murder us all in our sleep last night. Trust Trixie, just walk away and...”
“Friggin’ no.” I turned back towards Spitfire, taking aim with my suppository launcher. But SnarkyHeart was quick to leap on my gun arm like the squishiest safety ever.
“Try that again when we have a chance of not dying. Like, never.” SnarkyHeart growled, “SnarkyHeart’s out of power and patience here. Especially patience.”
“You’re cute, hon, but I’m more a dinner and date kinda mare.” Spitfire smirked down at the captive bat pony.
“Eeeee! Eeeeeeeeyyy! EEEEEEEEEEE!” Sona flailed her little hooves and flapped her one good wing out at the pegasus pinning her down. “Die! DIE! Please DIE!” she squeaked at the top of her lungs.
Spitfire’s smirk slowly died away on her face. She gave the tearful little bat pony under her hoof a long, slow, thoughtful look. “Who did I kill that night?” she finally asked, softly. "Was it somepony you loved?"
“Everypony!” Sona shrieked. “My mamas! My papa! My brothers, sisters and friends! Every single pony!” The stricken little bat pony let out a sob, “My youngest sister only just learned to keee! You tore her apart in front of my mamas and papa! Why?!" she demanded.
“You hear that, ’God Emperor’?” the pegasus said, slowly, without looking up. “Imagine a weapon bred from the strongest and fastest pegasi, born only to put Ahuizotl's enemies to the talon, trained and honed in a thousand different ways to maim and kill your precious little ponies." She finally looked up at me. "Imagine she's right here, about to kill one of the little ponies you swore to protect. Can you do it, 'god'? Can you put your balls where your mouth is and do what you need to do?" The hoof she had planted on Sona's chest tensed. Sona gave a pained cry in response. "Or is that all you are? Empty promises and false hopes? Hoping everything will just turn out alright as long as your cute little ponies keep up your little magic show?"
I was about to put up a struggle against Trixie and SnarkyHeart when my eyes caught Sona’s. She gave me a look and a teeny nod. I took that to mean ‘Trust me’.
"Wow. For a born-and-bred super hot soldier of doom, you sure talk a lot." If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being a really loud attention whore. I could only hope it's enough to distract her while Sona did whatever it was she was gonna do. "Here's how I see things: I woke up today promised a montage of mondacious mammaries," I said, raising a hand woefully devoid of the promised bounty of booty, "I have since been almost swallowed whole by a giant shadow monster, literally bollocked by a giant dragon, snubbed into orbit by the sexiest prudi-corn ever..."
"Hey! Trixie takes offense at that! Except for the sexy bit!" Trixie snapped.
"...and almost raped by a sexually repressed nation-avatar," I finished.
"Pfft, 'almost', he says," SnarkyHeart scoffed.
I struggled to ignore the quip. "Point is, flaming hot butts of the mass murdering variety are barely a blip on my fuck-o-meter right now. And I've run out of fucks to give," I said, wrestling SnarkyHeart off my FIM with one hand, aiming the FIM at the pegasus with the other. "Now just give up before I accidentally ruin you for marriage too."
"Always relying on your little ponies, hon," Spitfire muttered with a sigh. "You think I didn't notice the bat preparing to sonic-screech me while you distracted me?" She pressed down with her hoof, winding poor little Sona of the breath she had struggled to gather under the pegasus' hoof. "If you get to use ponies, then I do too." Spitfire took hold of Sona's body in her forehooves and flapped her wings. She spun in place before whirling Sona right at us.
"Eeeeeeeeee!" Sona's bat screech filled the air as she sailed right back at us like the cutest batarang ever.
"Out of the way!" Trixie leapt in front of me, horn crackling. The pointy little thing gave a feeble sputter before giving out. "Trixie's out! Run, OverButt!" Trixie gritted her teeth before bucking me backwards into the snow. I barely landed in a winded heap before Trixie was swept off her hooves by a bat-listic missile to the face.
"Trixie! Sona!" I called out to the uni-bat snowball gathering mass as it rolled away, as if calling out to it might make it roll back. Hey, it was worth a try.
"Master, launch me at her!" Crystal Heart barked through SnarkyHeart as she picked herself up from where she landed in the snow by my shoulder. Her eyes glowed bright like a Horse of the Apocalypse... or their foals, if they had them. She quickly climbed onto my right arm FIM, planting herself over the gun's muzzle. The arm cannon glowed the same colour as the bright cyan aura blazing around her little horn. The loader chambered a round, presumably at her command. "Gravity round, loaded. MiniHeart warhead, armed," the most adorable little warhead in the universe squeaked.
"No need to get competitive with the bat pony!" I wheezed, struggling to aim the FIM anyway, trusting Crystal Heart and SnarkyHeart to know what they're doing.
"Of course not," Crystal Heart huffed. "I aim to outdo her." She turned around to look at me, her expression as flat as ever. "Master, I want you to know that I will always...."
"Crystal Heaaaaart, you are not giving me any last words," I growled.
"....look forward to you doing the wheelbarrow with me," she finished, giving me a mockery of a tragically heroic smile.
"Dammit, Crystal Heart!" With that, the FIM fired of its own accord. The muzzle gave out a pulse of jet black light along with a rather anticlimactic sound akin to a popping balloon. 20 pounds of pure repressed sexual tension was launched into the air straight at the offending pegasus.
"How is that supposed to do anything to me?" Spitfire asked lazily, seeming unimpressed at the miniature sex demon flying right at her. And that tells you all about Spitfire’s knowledge on our beloved Crystal Heart; terminally lacking.
"Buck you. That's how." Crystal Heart smirked.
The pegasus spread her wings, launching herself backwards out of the way with effortless ease. But just when we thought she had evaded whatever Crystal Heart had planned, the living sex missile glowed brilliantly. My eyes were blinded by an explosive burst of light. I found myself swept off my feet and launched into my arch nemesis, the ground, once more. I recovered just in time to see a small rainbow-coloured cloud rise into the air just where Crystal Heart and Spitfire were. It was suspiciously mushroom-shaped, maybe even heart-shaped, if hearts regularly levelled entire city blocks.
"Oh, so MiniHearts really do explode," I murmured numbly. "Fuckbucket it, Crystal Heart! You had a nuke on my shoulder all this time?!" I slowly got up onto my shaky feet while checking myself over. One....two...balls, check. Yep, fully intact. "You alright, Co-Overdudette?" I asked the trembling little bulge in the front of my sweater. I got a tremulous little shake in reply. "Good." I nodded, mostly to myself.
A sharp gust of wind suddenly blew the cloud of smoke apart. I barely got to ready my FIMs when a bright yellow and orange flash burst forth from the smoke, trailing dust and vapour in her wake. My aim was obscured by a faceful of bright yellow pegasus. I just about caught a glimpse of her smirk before she pushed my face into her fluffy bosom with a pair of front hooves wrapped about my head.
Pegasi are quite forceful.
Also quite soft. But don't tell her that.
I felt another pair of hooves straddle my sides, hooking around my arms firmly. There was a sudden rush of air as a pair of powerful wings beat at my sides. My stomach dropped away with the ground beneath my feet as I suddenly realized I was being airlifted.
"OverButt! Hey, excessively burn-themed pegasus! Put down Trixie's OverButt this instant or feel Trixie's great and powerful butt-bucking! Hey! Don't ignore Trixiiiiie!" I heard Trixie cry out from somewhere beneath me, her threats dropping away into the distance. By all the flaming hot adorable butts, haven't I earned myself enough frequent flyer points already?! I struggled to aim my FIMs at something, anything, but found that my arms were quite firmly pinned to my sides.
Before I could contemplate just how balls-deep in the rainbow-equivalent of shit I was, the butterflies in my stomach queasily registered that the pegasus was suddenly diving quite sharply earthwards. There was mild jerking as my captor swerved into a hover. Then, just as suddenly as I was picked up, I was dropped into a rolling landing on the ground. The tumble drier that was my skull barely managed to register the fact that Dinky was still stuck inside my sweater. I just about curled my arms around the quivering little ball protectively right before I struck the ground.
My face quickly discovered, rather painfully, that it was not snow I fell into. Rather, it was springy spring grass and heather, all soft and warm. My rather dazed mind numbly came to a conclusion: We were back inside the Empire's magical shield.
I struggled to right myself to at least face my enemy head-on. If I had to have a corpse, it shall have a glorious pegasus-shaped dent upon its face, not its backside. But before I could enact any pegasus-denting, said pegasus got to me first. I was flattened against the ground once more as a pair of powerful front hooves pinned my arms against the earth. And as if that wasn't enough, the almighty flaming hot butt itself slammed down firmly upon my nethers. I gave a rather effeminate squeak as little overdude gave one last agonal gasp.
My balls had a life-changing revelation that day.
Pegasi are scary.
And definitely soft.
"Your hidden horn can stay where it is." The pegasus above me smirked, wiggling her butt firmly on my 'horn'. "Now, show me just what you can do without your little ponies around to..."
Her face turned from one of smug triumph to sheer surprise as something launched itself out of my sweater and right at her face like the cuddliest alien parasite ever. "You won't hurt Mr. Muffins!" I heard Dinky cry fearfully as she sailed up towards Spitfire's face, horn glowing brilliantly. "EeeeEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she squeaked. An intense prismatic golden light gathered about her horn. The very air around us seemed to crackle and burn from the raw power concentrated in her little horn.
The pegasus was quick to release me. She retreated into the air with a powerful flap of her wings. But she was not fast enough to escape being blinded by the furious white glow of the little filly's determined eyes.
The golden glow about the little filly's horn rushed forth, its tendrils writhing and clawing at the air as they wrapped themselves around the hapless filly. Motes of her golden magic lanced everywhere, striking all around us. Where they struck the ground, blue and white crystal pillars erupted forth into the sky. Where they struck trees, sparkling starbursts took their place. Where they struck bushes, crystalline berry bushes sprouted into being.
This magic almost seemed...out of control. Chilly fear gripped my heart. Something was not right with Dinky. She writhed and spasmed where she floated weightlessly within her own magical glow. Her face was twisted into a rictus of unmistakable agony. Her mouth was wide open in a silent scream of anguish.
Blood-chilling dread filled me. What if her own magic is out of control? What if it's hurting her? What if...Dinky dies?
I have never been more frightened in my life. Pit me against a pissant tyrant god, dragon dickbags, Maud, anything! Just don't hurt my little ponies! Don't hurt my little Dinky!
"Dinky!" I called out. "Dinky! DINKY!" I cried, desperation mounting.
I fought to sit up. I raised my arms to reach out to her. I immediately recoiled as the very skin on my arms burned upon nearing the ball of golden light surrounding the filly. My hands felt as if they were burning from the inside out. But my fingers...I couldn't feel them. I steeled my nerves as I glanced down at them.
My stomach dropped away at the sight.
Where there should be flesh and blood, there was naught but quivering jet black crystal spindles.
I would have screamed. I would have cried. I would have let horror and regret take me. Were it not for a far more terrifying thought.
The thought of losing even one of my little ponies.
The thought of losing Dinky.
No.
This world will not be robbed of even one of these beautiful, fragile little souls. Not again. Not while I draw breath.
Well, at least enough breath for my last words.
"PONIES ARE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!" I roared at the top of my lungs.
What? Last words should be words from the heart. Or mine would be, if I could find it.
Emboldened by my awesomeriffic battle cry, I lunged forwards. I threw my arms around the little filly. My flesh burned with the ferocity of the sun as they fell upon the fiery glow enveloping Dinky. But not even the sun would stop this almighty embrace. With an almighty tug, I pulled the little filly against my chest.
To say it warmed my heart would be an understatement. It felt like my entire chest had been dipped in napalm and tossed into a fireworks factory. The numbness in my fingers had spread across both my arms. I silently prayed for it to consume the rest of me, if only for its respite. "Hey, Co-Overdudette! Dinky!" I barked through the pain.
Her fluffy little ears perked up. My heart or what's left of it buoyed up with hope. "Dinky! DINKY!" I roared against the searing glow. "Come back to me!"
The glow enveloping the little filly flared brilliantly. It turned a perfect white so bright it was blinding. But instead of more pain, I felt a soft, warm light wash over me, taking the agony with it.
The world breathed. The light flickered away into nothingness. I found myself on my back once more, staring into a clear morning sky. I blinked the stars out of my eyes. I'd be amazed they were still working if I weren't panicking over a certain little filly. Thankfully my panicked search did not take long. Upon my chest, cradled in what felt like my arms, was a dawn-lilac little filly. My fears and dread slowly ebbed with every rise and fall of her little barrel against my chest. Every little breath she took sent a wave of relief washing over me.
She lived. That was all I cared about. She lived.
"She's fine, hon," the familiar voice of Spitfire said from somewhere nearby. "Unicorn foals often get surges when their magic comes in proper. You've calmed her down. With sheer ballsiness, I might add." I found the flaming yellow pegasus hovering above me. "I'd worry more about you right now," she said as she hovered closer, shooting me a predatory grin. “Though I’m sure it’s just a fleeting thing. Everything is.”
"Gwet bwack," I snarled, feeling an odd numbness about my mouth. Every movement felt clumsy and heavy. Every syllable felt like trying to chew through a whoopee cushion. Don't ask me how I know how that feels. "Bwy macwawoons, wif you cwome any cwoser to 'er, I'll-... Ooof!" I gasped as she lunged forward, pressing a hoof down on my chest.
"Easy, tiger." Spitfire smiled a voracious grin as she leaned in close, her muzzle almost tickling my nose. "Don't want to wake up the kids, right?" she whispered into my ear, almost sultrily.
"Yeah, sho pleashe don't shcream too loud when I poke you with thish toothpick," I replied, nodding my head stiffly at the jet black crystal FIM blade gleaming at her throat. My arm felt alien and clumsy to me. It took every bit of willpower to keep it trained at her neck.
"You're not like me. You wouldn't be able to dirty your own hooves," she breathed.
"Ish that a challelelelenge?" I asked, struggling to find the brakes on the challenging word. I slowly pulled the blade's edge across her neck, drawing the faintest trickle of red. It almost sickened me to do something so metal, but I had to make a point if I wanted any hope of surviving this whole and unbucked.
No, more than that, the excessively burn-themed pegasus made a good point or two: I couldn't continue to rely on the ponies, nor could I hope to save them without dirtying my own hands. "For these poniesh, for you, I would."
"Really?" She raised an eyebrow. In a blink of an eye she had both wings flared, ready to retreat. But I was faster. Another jet black crystal blade shot out of my other FIM, just barely grazing her withers and neck, trapping her neck between two blades. All it would take was one flex of either arm. Or a slip. And with how alien and cumbersome my entire body felt at the time, the latter was a very worrying possibility.
"Hahah," the pegasus chuckled. "Hahah! Hahahahah!" she laughed. "Wow, if my commissar were here, he'd shoot me himself for being so stupid." Her laughter died away into a faint smile as she closed her eyes as if in solemn resignation. "Very good, 'God Emperor'. Do it."
"You expect me to believe that? The fearshome flaming hot firebolt of What-Shnot defeated by some pizza delivery dude?" I scoffed. "That won't get any frequent flyer pointsh even in the shittiest vampire fanfic. If you wanted to die sho badly, you could've proposhed to Maud or something."
"You have no choice," she said. "Kill me and your ponies will hail you as the hero who put down Ahuizotl's killer dog. Half of ponykind will immediately join your cause, the other half would fear you. Let me live and they will doubt you."
"I alwaysh have a choice," I said. "I've alwaysh wanted a pet dog of my own."
"One stomp is all it takes," the pegasus growled, glaring down threateningly at the little filly curled up on my chest, just an inch away from her own hoof. "Protect her! Protect her and your little ponies like you promised! Kill me and save them all!" she barked.
"For macaroon'sh shake, woman, you're killing my boner sho hard I can feel my ballsacks shrivel up! For the lasht time, I am not in the mood!" I snapped.
"Who do you think you are, giving these poor ponies false hopes?! Empty promises?!" she demanded, leaning in against the blades so close her nose almost touched mine. A spark of anger flared in her brilliant crimson eyes. The bangs of her mane had fallen over half her face in her outburst. "I've seen what he does to ponies who as much as miss a daily prayer to him." Her voice fell to a hoarse, haunted whisper, "I've been made to do most of them. I've razed entire villages of innocent ponies. I've torn foals limb from limb in front of their parents." I heard the tiniest hint of a hiccup. "I can beat bolts of lightning to the ground. Flock tornadoes. I can whip up a hurricane in under a minute. I've punched through a minotaur capital airship alone. And I can do flock all to save a single pony. Hurting them is all I've ever known."
She lifted her eyes to aim a furious glare at me. "And you? You can't even bring judgement down upon one pathetic little pegasus to save a single filly! Who are you? Who are you to promise us salvation? You just picked a fight with an all-powerful god and his unstoppable war machine. You just made soldiers of the very ponies you swore to protect. You just sent us all to fight and die for you. Who. Are. You?!" she cried in an almost pleading rasp.
I was silent. What does anyone, let alone a simple pizza delivery dude like me, say to that?
As I held her steely gaze in my own, I saw something. Amidst all the anger and despair was a glimmer of hope, an almost expectant, pleading look. "Please," she whispered, her voice tremulous with loss. "Say it to me. Then judge me... put me down, once and for all."
Why me? She could have flown headlong into that nightmare, divebombed a tree, insulted Trixie’s butt, anything. Why must she die to me? Who am I? Just some pizza delivery dude?
No, she needs me to be more than that. She wanted to believe. She wanted me to be everything the others believed me to be. She wanted me to tell her that I'm the emperor, that I'm the god she needs me to be. But why? Why would a tempered and disciplined soldier bare her heart of hearts out to a complete stranger? Why would a warrior as strong as her need me to be all that?
Because only a god can save her bloodied self now.
The realization struck a chilly chord deep down inside me. She had borne her guilt and despair alone for so long in a world where her only god is a sadistic megalomaniac. Suddenly the god emperor of ponykind arrives. But is it all just smokes and mirrors? Or can he be that anchor to hang all her hopes of salvation on? Can he be the force of divine righteousness to bring upon her the judgement she deserves? Can he smite her and rid the world—and herself—of her evil?
That’s the only kind of ‘god’ she’s ever known. Punishment and judgement is all she’s ever expected. But I promised Twilight, I promised all ponykind, that I would be better than Ape-Fart-All. And that ‘better god’ would grant her what she truly needs: redemption, forgiveness and atonement.
But can I really? I’m no ‘god’. I’m just a mortal pizza delivery dude. Can I be what she really needs me to be?
This is heavy. And this is coming from a guy who can dual-wield a dozen pizza stacks on Two-For-One-Tuesdays.
You just made soldiers of the very ponies you swore to protect. You just sent us all to fight and die for you.
It will not be long before the hooves of my subjects are just as bloodied as Spitfire's. This is what it means to have blood shed in my name. It means being the cause they cast aside their innocence for. It means bearing that blood for them. It means becoming a true Evil Overlord. And if I can bear that evil for them, then I can bear this poor little mare’s for her.
Who am I to deny her my duty as her evil overlord?
My tongue and jaw were thankfully a lot less awkward for what I had to say. "I am everything my ponies make me. I am everything my ponies are." I answered her gaze with my own. "And I will bear everything you are, my little pony." I allowed the FIM blades to dissolve into little flecks of light that blew away in the morning breeze.
She stared at me, her fiery eyes slowly widening. Some fierce, internal war raged within. They burned fiercely under the pool of collecting tears as she grit her teeth, struggling to fight them. “Can you really?” she whispered, her breath caught between hope and disbelief. “Everything? All the hate of all ponykind? All...the blood?” Her lips trembled.
“Everything,” I said softly. “I promised I will save you... every bit of you.”
Something suddenly gave. She gave a little sob, curling forwards. Her nose softly booped against mine and I got to gaze deeper into her eyes. The stout soldier behind those eyes had given in to her weariness and exhaustion. All that was left within was a little filly, looking lost, forlorn, desperate for a hoof to hold.
Two bright little glows flared up just above our heads, one a fiery gold, the other pitch black. They swooped around each other in a surprisingly well coordinated air show. I swear I've already had enough glowy sparkly rainbow light shows for the day, and it's barely breakfast time
"Then bear me," she whispered, taking hold of the little golden glow in her pinions and pressing it against my chest. The glow gave way to a shower of sparkles, revealing a statuette in her likeness, wings flared mightily in mid-flight. "I am yours," she breathed, softly.
Something odd happened. Well, odd-er than a little pony popping out a little pony of a little pony. The MLP erupted into a ball of flame. Embers of orange fire spiralled around it. Thankfully, it looked hotter than it actually was. I prefer my skin medium rather than well done. The fire quickly burned away to reveal the statuette once more. Except around its head was what looked like a diamond-white crystal tiara trailing a long white veil with bright red highlights that trailed behind her in her flight, topped by a radiant golden halo. A simple gleaming white crystal chest plate curled around her withers bearing the equine numerals for '001'. The chest piece ended in a pair of flowing red capelets that hung from her withers. Her four hooves bore what looked like gleaming white and royal yellow FIM variants, all of which trailed a whitish yellow flame.
Never has anything looked so cute and deadly at the same time.
I looked up from the little figurine lying on my chest, only to be blinded by the glowing radiance before me. And for once I wasn't looking at a mirror. A life-size version of the figurine gazed back down at me, a beautiful serene look on her face. The white crystal tiara and chest plate adorning her glowed with gentle aquamarine pulses of light coursing through what looked like runic circuitry within. The long, pure white veil and the flowing red capelets flapped gently in the breeze behind her. "Thank you," she said softly, looking the very picture of tranquility and peace. This must be what ‘cute’ looks like in heaven, or so my concussed brain thought.
"Uh, you're welcome," my dry mouth managed. Really? 'You're welcome'? Is that the best you can do? What happened to 'Can I please please please pet you forever and ever?'?
I didn't get to gaze into this masterpiece of divine-level cuteness for long. A rainbow-coloured comet swept her off me in a sudden blast of earth-shaking speed. I struggled to turn my head to follow the action. Even my neck muscles felt thick and heavy, almost alien to me. I must have burned everything trying to catch Dinky. As I looked around I found the verdant spring landscape torn by a forest of crystal spires, a few pink crystal trees, crystal berry bushes and even a crystal flower or two. I looked to the side just in time to see a rainbow-coloured blur and a yellow flash tumble and roll across the grass outside the forest of crystal, sending flowers and dandelion fluff into the air. The rainbow blur won the tumble, coming out on top. Though, arguably, the yellow flash barely put up a fight.
"Gotcha," the rainbow-maned menace growled, one forehoof firmly planted on Spitfire's throat. Her rearhooves had Spitfire pinned by her wing coverts, pinning her down to the ground. Her other forehoof bore a FIM that whirred and hissed before firing and expelling an empty casing into the air. Three sky-blue crystal blades erupted forth from its business end like kitty claws; very deadly kitty claws. She waved it surprisingly expertly through the air, stopping just short of Spitfire's neck. "Don't. Move," the sky-blue pegasus snarled threateningly.
There is something remarkably familiar about her. It must be her attitude... yeah, that's it. I remember she had some really hardcore name; Search'n'Destroy or something.
"Like you, you mean, Captain Rainbow Dash?" Spitifire gave the sky-blue pony atop her a slow sardonic smile. "Or did you finally get off your plot and make up your mind where your loyalties lie?"
Or, yeah, Rainbow Dash works too. I kinda prefer Search'n'Destroy though. 'I wonder if she'll let me use a pet name,' my dazed mind thought. Yeah, must be my concussion talking. Note to self, dragon balls give pretty bad concussions.
"Don’t speak either!" Search'n'Destroy barked down at her captive. Her voice, however, shook with a hint of uncertainty. "I know what I have to do right now! That's all that matters, okay?!"
"Make up your mind soon, Captain." Spitfire's gaze hardened. "A soldier without colours is just a murdering psychopath."
Search'n'Destroy gritted her teeth at this, looking torn. "Don't mess with me. You're not my commanding officer anymore." She growled, eyes narrowing dangerously.
"None of us wear any colours anymore, Spitfire." A figure landed lightly in the grassy meadow just a little way away beyond the crystal forest. Her sun-gold mane gleamed brightly in the rising sun. Her dawn-gray coat glistened under the crystal forest's prismatic light. The golden gems lining the four FIMs adorning her hooves twinkled as she strode through the thick grass towards us. "I think it's fair for someponies to not know what they're doing yet. That does not make us an entire empire of psychopaths. Yet."
"G-general?!" Search'n'Destroy gasped, tensing up as if every muscle in her body was struggling to stand at attention.
"Rainbow, language! There are foals here," the new pegasus gave a very familiar giggle. No, there was no mistaking it. It was certainly her. But...general?
I wasn't able hold my disbelief back for long. "Ditzy?" I breathed. The adorably clumsy wall-eyed pony who melted my heart at first sight? The kind, motherly mare who lovingly looked after the frightened little fillies last night? That Ditzy? A general?! Like, two ranks above the mare who just proclaimed herself the Genghis Khan of the pony world?
You can't judge a condom by its wrapper. Or something wise like that.
"That voice? Your Highnessness? Is that really you?" She turned to face me, tilting her head to one side quizzically. "I...oh my," she whispered.
Oh, right. I must look absolutely stunning right now. I wonder if I was more 'medium' or full on 'extra crispy'? From how numb my whole body felt, probably the latter.
"Oh? The new hairdo? Dragonbutt must've done it up for me in return for headbutting him in the lovenuts." I chuckled as lightheartedly as I could manage, finally feeling more sensation return to my mouth and face. "No homo," I quickly added.
"Oh, you really are," she said, taking a slow step towards me. "Your Highnessness, I mean. Not the other...thing." She took a little sniff, her nose twitching a bit. She gave a soft little gasp as a soft blush slowly bloomed on her dawn-gray fur. "O-oh my, yes, it really is you."
"What do you mean?" I asked, with no small amount of trepidation. Have I been so disfigured that even my closest companions can't recognize me?
Kids, this is what not showering for one thousand years will do to you. Oh, and hugging cute little fillies. While they’re on fire.
"Huh?" Search'n'Destroy asked, chancing a quick glance at me in between keeping a close eye on her captive. "You know that stallion?" Her nose similarly twitched as she caught a whiff of whatever it was Ditzy was smelling. She was suddenly struck by a similar blush spreading across her soft blue cheeks. Whatever it was, it was contagious. "U-uh...i-introduce me?" she blustered, suddenly breathless.
Wait, stallion?
As in, male horse kinda stallion?
Ditzy quickly shook her head, as if struggling to dislodge something stuck inside. "Your Highnessness, what happened?" she asked, seemingly struggling a little to focus on me. Was I that messed up?
"I...don't know. You tell me," I said, more than a little worriedly.
"Alright, but, um, stay calm, alright?" she said in what she probably thought was a soothing voice. "Cause it's like, alright. The alright kind of alright, alright? I mean, I'm not suggesting it's not alright or anything," she blustered, her blush now rivalling the morning sun.
"Hay, that's very alright with me!" Search'n'Destroy chimed in.
"Ditzy, please stop cockblocking me and say it," I said almost pleadingly. "Knew I should've put on sunscreen this morning."
"Uh, your Highnessness, have you looked down at your own, er, hooves?" Ditzy hazarded.
Hooves? Silly pony, I have hands, not hooves.
Still, I decided to humour her. Amidst all the excitement with Spitfire, I didn’t get to take a look at my hands underneath my FIMs. I clumsily pulled my arms into the air. I still couldn't feel my fingers though. Which is probably a good thing, considering last I saw them they were nothing but popsicles. With an odd feeling of resigned calm I looked upon what was left of...
Oh.
I see why I don't feel any fingers. That's probably because I don't have any fingers. My arm just ended in a blind stump. And it was a very sparkly black stump too. It was almost like a....
Ooooooh.
I wiggled my arm.
The furry little hoofsie wiggled back at me.
A sparkly furry little hoofsie.
"Oh, you mean those hoofsies," I giggled, my tone just an octave or two into the wussy range. Something gave a giddy little pony squee. What little sanity I had left registered that the source of the squee was, in fact, me. By macaroons I sound adorable. "Hey, hey, hey, watch this! It glitters!" I squeaked manically.
It could have been worse. We could have been a potted plant,’ my concussion helpfully contributed, before I told it to shush.
A low crackly hum grew louder and louder. I felt my ears twitch. Yes, ears, even if they did feel oddly long and fluffy. I felt them slowly pivot reflexively towards the source of the noise. I weakly turned my head to follow. It looked like a rapidly approaching multi-coloured cloud at first. It quickly slid into focus, revealing itself to be a massive stampede of ponies, unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi, with a few airborne pegasi for good measure. The ground-based ponies were speeding over on what were unmistakably FIMs, led by a determined-looking Twilight and Sunset.
The cavalry were quick to arrive. They weren't quite as good at stopping. A good number slid onwards past us, letting out high-pitched squeaks of panic. A few skid to rather clumsy bow-legged stops. Quite a few more had to brake with their faces. A few went off zooming into the sky instead, casting crystal ramps and loop-de-loops into the air. Sunset quite skillfully deployed her FIM blades, using them to slow herself down to a skidding stop. Twilight on the other hand fired some sort of concussion spell out of her FIMs, sending herself flying into the air with a panicked squee. I spotted Rarity in the throng, accidentally firing her FIM at another mare, electrocuting her up the rear with what must have been some sort of lightning flashbang round.
Note to self, do not issue any of these ponies with the bone-killer rounds. Ever.
“This is it,” Sunset declared, looking around at her ragtag collection of troops. "Find him! Turn over every tree, rock and skirt if you have to! To the Emperor!" she barked at the disorganized heap of ponies. "Defend him to the last pony!"
"Sure, Sunny-bunny! We need to find him first before we do any defending though. Is he hiding? Or disguised? What if he's hiding in disguise? Maybe as a potted plant? Or maybe even a pony? Then we'd really have to go down to the last pony just to find him!" A lot of pink bounded into view. GAH! PINK! SO MUCH PINK!
"That's the most ridiculous idea I've ever..." Sunset's voice trailed off as her eyes landed on where I lay with Dinky. Her nose twitched as she took a sniff of the air. Then, much like Ditzy and Search'n'Destroy, her eyes glazed over as a warm blush spread across her cheeks. She fidgeted in place, rubbing her rear hooves together uncomfortably as she bit her lip. The rest of the ponies behind her similarly sniffed the air before turning into a sea of fidgeting blushing tomatoes.
Is this some sort of pony herd camouflage mechanism? Does turning the same shade of red help them in some way?
"Make way! Medical pony coming through! I have a license to prove it!" I just about heard Red Heart's voice above the crowd's. "Mind the suppository launchers! I have a cure for stupidity! Don't make me use it!" she threatened, finally getting the crowd to part for her, revealing her in all her nursey glory. She arrived complete with medical saddle bags, a large crystal device with what looked like lightning rods on her back with crystal cables linked to her FIMs, and a pair of bandoliers criss-crossing her chest bearing an entire arsenal of suppositories. "Where is his lordship?!" she demanded as she pushed to the front of the crowd, her own FIMs whirring and ejecting a set of spent cartridges with a pneumatic hiss.
Ditzy silently lifted a forehoof towards me in reply.
"He's decomposing so rapidly I don't even recognize him anymore," Red Heart observed grimly as she skidded to a stop by my side. I swear I heard a 'boop' as she pushed a forehoof against my nose. "No, no pulse!" she declared, before hopping onto my chest, winding me before I could raise my voice. "Begin CPR!" she barked, leaping up and down on my chest with all four hooves.
The first compression winded me so hard I almost blacked out. The second almost killed me. Almost. But I would not find my merciful end in the hooves of a pony, not if cruel fate had anything to say about it. "He's going under! Set FIMs to DEFIBRILLATE. You there, prepare the suppositories!" Nurse Red Heart ordered. "Quick, somepony, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Don't everypony jump up at once!"
My receding sight just about registered a tidal wave of rather hungry-looking ponies with puckered lips leaping in to 'save' me from 'certain' death.
My last thought before I was smothered into ponyblivion was one of gratitude. At least I would not be awake for this. Some fates are worse than death.
It was like watching a movie trailer with all the plot highlights very systematically spoiled, except movie trailers don't generally incite me into spitting twenty different flavours of napalm at the screen. I watched little Dinky curled up in an old abandoned basement with nothing but a charcoal drawing for company. I watched her running across rainbows to save the entire world. I listened to her crying for the world, taking all the blame for its crapsackiness on herself. I heard her use her first ever wish to plead for someone, anyone, to save everyone.
I wanted nothing more than to rush up to her and show her she was not alone, not anymore. I wanted to tell her that there's no blame for her to take, because someone else is hogging it all. I wanted to be there to pull her into the tightest, warmest hug ever.
I felt my arms curl around something soft and warm. I instinctively pulled it tighter against my chest. So many things, I came so close to losing so many things today. I would not let go of anything, not now, not ever.
It was with these strange yet oddly warm and fuzzy thoughts that I slowly wake up. They were quickly replaced by dread. The last two times I woke up in this world, it was to some variation of Crystal Heart attempting to violate me. My eyes quickly flickered open, searching around for what was probably the universe's cutest aspiring rapist.
My eyes came to rest upon what I realized was a giant mirror hanging over the now familiar herd-sized bed. I would have spared a thought to just how hot-...I mean, vain it all was, if I weren't more focused on the stranger staring back down at me. Ponykind must have run out of colours when they finally got to this pony. Everything from his mane to his ass was all seven colours of gloom and doom. He was so dark and brooding he probably ate glittery emos and shat vampire bats. As if to make up for it, it looked like he was drowned in all the glitter in the world. His fur practically screamed fabulous and not in a good way. It’s almost like, like, I’m looking at a sparkling Twilight pony.
Uh.
That didn’t come out right.
Don’t tell Twilight that. Please. There are some books even Twilight shouldn’t read.
All the glitter made my eyes water, forcing me to blink. To my surprise, ugly-butt pony blinked too. I frowned at him. He returned it with a frown doubly dark and brooding. I blew a raspberry at him. He gave me one twice as wet and ugly. "Fine, no need to get competitive," I muttered up at him. I watched him mouth the same words back at me.
Oh.
Uh.
Actually, you know what, he was the most drop-dead gorgeous son of a gun I had ever laid eyes on. Totally. And not just because he's my reflection or anything, nope.
Yeah, no. This guy's butt ugly, no two ways about it. He even had a wang on his forehead, the dickhead.
Wait.
That means I have a wang on my forehead.
By all the raging macaroon hardons, I have a wang on my forehead!
Thankfully, before I could spiral into a wang-induced hysteria, my eyes were slowly drawn to the furry little mound lying on his chest, wrapped up in his forehooves. I slowly curled my own hands-...err, hooves. I felt something soft and warm gently breathe against my chest and hooves.
Dinky.
I sighed a sigh of intense relief.
It's alright. I could've been turned into a potted plant and it'd still be alright, as long as all my little ponies survive. As long as Dinky survives.
Compared to that, turning into this sparkly pony with a sparkly wang...on...his...forehead....is...okay?
Hmm.
Nope.
"Help! Big sparkly wiener on my forehead!" I wailed in panic.
My desperate plea for help was quickly answered. Or was it? "Oh! My lord, you're awake," I heard the sound of purpleness call from the door. "I wouldn't have believed it if Rainbow and Ditzy didn't swear on their wings it was you." The familiar lavender figure of Twilight trotted up to my bedside, a clipboard in tow in her magenta magical aura. “I hope the transformation hasn’t affected your hidden horn. Such a powerful spell! I saw it all on that MiniHeart’s broadcast thing. Trixie was all ‘Yes’, and you went ‘Yes!’” she described, excitedly. “And your hidden horn went ‘Yees!’, and then the dragon was suddenly ‘Yes yes yes!’ and then the mountain went ‘YyyeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!’!” she squeaked, breathlessly.
Wait, did she just describe my awesome in orgasms?
“Yes,” I said, numbly.
“We can’t waste any time studying it! How did you do it?! How much magic did it take? Is it true what Ms. Heartstrings said, that all it took was one hip thrust from you?!” Twilight fired off question after question without pausing for breath, her eyes gleaming dangerously. They say curiosity kills cats; this one could probably end civilizations. And this ender of worlds was very quickly encroaching upon my crotch, licking her lips almost ravenously. “Would you mind if I ran a quick test? Or ten? I’ll be gentle. I won’t take too big a sample either. I mean, I only brought three sample buckets with me.” She magically levitated three big crystal buckets helpfully marked ‘1’, ‘2’ and ‘24’. Just how much did she plan to bring?! “And I won’t do the thing with the lightning rod and…”
“Twilight!” I cried. “By mac-flavoured macaroons, please! I’ll share everything you want later! Just...just don’t rape me! Yet!” I pleaded.
“You mean I could do that later?” she asked, eyes gleaming with excitement, before she finally noticed the dark look on my face. "I-I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. A-Are you alright?" For being the only one able to read, Twilight’s incredibly slow at reading moods.
"Alright?" I scoffed dryly. "I think I left my 'alright' in a geyser somewhere out there."
"Well, in the words of the great Starswirl, 'It could have been worse'," Twilight said quite optimistically.
"Where are you hogging all that optimism?" I demanded. "Cause my wang got attached to my face!" I pointed a hoof at the offending appendage on my forehead.
"You could've been turned into a potted plant," Twilight pointed out with an amused smile. Oh, so the potted plant thing really is a thing, not just my concussion talking. "In fact, that's what happened to my parents when I had my first magical surge."
"You turned your parents into ponies?" I hazarded, raising an eyebrow. I couldn't help but wonder for a moment what Twilight's parents could have started out as. Bookworms, probably.
"Um, no. Let's just say dad made quite the cactus," Twilight said.
"Oh." My face fell a little. "I'm sorry," was all I could say.
"Oh, don't be. Some friendly neighbours turned them back. Though Sunny always said she couldn't tell the difference with dad," Twilight giggled, good naturedly.
"So all unicorns have this magical surge thing?" I asked. Jeez, here I was thinking babysitting for my neighbours was bad for my health. At least their children don't turn me into rabbit food on a regular basis.
"Not all, at least not within the realms of common knowledge. There is a theory that all unicorns go through a surge when they grow into their magic, but most are so minuscule it's barely a sneeze. Generally speaking, only the most powerful unicorns have noticeable surges," Twilight said, tapping a forehoof against her chin thoughtfully.
"Noticeable, huh?" I chuckled, recalling the massive crystal forest now decorating the outskirts of our empire. "Naaah, didn't notice nothing, nope. Why are we even talking about surges?" Twilight gave a chuckle in response.
“What were you doing out there so early in the morning, if you don’t mind me asking?” Twilight asked, curiously.
“I enjoy nice early morning walks.” I shrugged, innocently.
“And meeting new dragons and rearranging the landscape?” The unicorn asked, quirking an eyebrow.
“Very nice early morning walks.” I nodded. "Oh, speaking of, are my walking buddies alright?" I quickly asked, before she could raise the topic of railguns again.
"If you mean the unicorn and that...um, bat pony..." I noticed Twilight hesitate a little on mentioning Sona. "I think they're alright. Nurse Red Heart is fussing over all of them in the infirmary." She grimaced a little at the memory. My mind summoned forth the memory of her bandoliers of suppository-powered doom.
I never felt healthier. Seriously. I was practically radiating more health than David Hasselhoff running down a Californian beach. "Twilight, you should bottle all that optimism and sell it." I shared her grimace.
"Funny you should say that. Sunny always called me a pessimist." Twilight chuckled dryly. "I think you rub off on us."
"There’s only a countdown between now and everyone seeing the light on bubblewrap orgies," I totally called it, causing Twilight to blush but giggle goodnaturedly at my obscene joke. "And Spitfire? The pegasus, I mean?"
"Oh." The unicorn's expression darkened somewhat. "Hmm, well, she's lucky it was Rainbow and Ms. Derpy who caught her. Anypony else and...well...let's just say we had to turn one of the rooms into a prison, not to keep her in so much as to keep everypony else out." She shook her head gently. "At least she came quietly. Good job capturing her, your lordship." Her face brightened up into a smile of approval.
Hmmm, I see what Spitfire meant. 'Bearing' her might be more difficult than I thought. I grew a little quiet at a rather foreboding thought. "And, uh, SnarkyHeart...?" I asked. Then I realized Twilight wouldn't know who I was referring to. "I mean the really sunny little clone of Crystal Heart who was with us?"
"Oh!" Twilight's expression lit up with recognition. "We found her with her rump sticking out of a really big crater. When we pulled her out she ran off, saying something about finding you and Crystal Heart, tying you two together, finding the biggest turnip she can find and...uh..." Twilight suddenly blushed a deep red. "Um, uh, i-if you see her, you might want to run. Fast," she stammered, flushing uncomfortably.
Oh sweet macaroon nuts, my little warhead wants to tie me to her mistress and do flute-knows-what. Well, I'm confident Crystal Heart can mind control her and stop her, right?
Would she, though?
Something tells me she wouldn't....
Hmm.
Nope. Still not a blip on my fuck-o-meter. Must have broken it when I headbutted Mr. Dragon in the dragonballs.
"Well, running might be easier on my own legs," I said, waving my a forehoof at Twilight. "If a cactus can be a dad, then I can go back to being human, right?" I asked, giving Twilight a hopeful look.
"Well, about that..." Twilight began, shifting uneasily.
"Twilight..." I raised a pointed eyebrow, "C'mon, give me the good news. Tell me I'm gonna be able to wear jeans again." I was almost pleading. A thought struck me. I quickly raised the blanket covering my bottom half with my forehooves and snuck a peek underneath.
Hmmm, not bad. It sparkles so much it actually glows in the dark too. Must be some sort of evolutionary boon, makes it easier to see and/or aim with the lights off and all that. Plus I'm sure all that glitter's totally a sell for the ladies.
Dammit, why can I never manage to keep my clothes on?
"Um, well..." Twilight wasn't even looking me in the eye anymore. "Did you know that male trousers in Neigh-Giddy have three appendages instead of two?"
"Twilight, there's no taking refuge in random facts here. There. Is. A. Wang. On. My. Face," I enunciated emphatically.
"Oh, um...." Twilight fidgeted, "If it makes you feel any better, I have one too?" She pointed a front hoof at her own horn.
"I'm never flipping the bird ever again," I groaned in despair.
"Um, well, Sunset and I have started working on it and we should have a safe fix worked out by later in the afternoon, at least one that won’t leave you covered in cactus thorns. I promise you this won't be permanent. But Crystal Heart said something about just watching and waiting. And something about exponentially improving the demographics," Twilight said, about as reassuring as sandpaper toilet wipes.
"There won't be enough bubble wrap in the world for what I have planned for that adorable little lecher, " I growled ominously. "SnarkyHeart can get in line."
An awkward silence fell in the wake of my rather drenching mood. Poor Twilight shifted uncomfortably as she looked around in search of something to say. Then her face lit up as she seemed to remember something. "Oh, speaking of Dinky..." she began, awkwardly shifting the subject, "...I think you need to see something before she wakes up." She floated over a piece of parchment in her magenta glow, holding it up for me to see.
I lazily raised my eyes to look at it, stubbornly set on being as moody as I....
Time. The Universe. Everything.
Just stopped.
There was nothing but me and the picture before me.
An entire life. An entire life I had lived just rolling with things. Everything came and went, day by day. Nothing ever truly mattered. I would futilely grind through, languidly trying to make something out of nothing, trying to fool myself into thinking I was doing some good somewhere. Deep down I knew better: whether I was there or not, the world would continue to turn. Even here I knew that if I were to die to an inquisition airship, a dragon or, heck, even Maud's MLP, the ponies would carry on rebuilding their lives here in the Empire. Nothing mattered. Nothing ever did.
Just roll with it. That's all I ever do right. Just roll with it.
And then I saw this.
I felt like a blind man seeing for the first time. I saw. In the simple child's scribbles on the little torn piece of parchment, I saw everything. Everything that is; everything that could be; absolutely everything I ever want to be.
It was a picture of an incredibly tall giant that took up most of the piece of parchment. Its jet black hair was an absolute mess. The massive goofy grin on its face made it look like the universe's biggest idiot. What looked like pink rays of sunlight lanced out from his smiling face, feeding many many little pink trees that shed hearts on many many many more little stick figure ponies of many colours.
The tall giant was not alone in its mission to plant pink heart trees everywhere. In its loving embrace was what was unmistakably a filly. A little unicorn filly with a sun-gold mane and a dawn-lilac coat. She gazed up at the tall giant with a loving smile more radiant than the sun.
There were words scribbled in what was probably the worst handwriting (or is it hoofwriting? Mouthwriting?) ever at the bottom of the picture. Every stroke of every letter looked like it took every ounce of will a tiny little soul had. I couldn't read it to save my life, but the words were so strong they spoke to me nonetheless.
"Your lordship, did you know Dinky's the only true orphan here?" Twilight whispered. "I compiled the list of fillies and their close relatives as you asked. A few have sisters of adult age here, most of the others have some family or guardians somewhere. But she's the only one without a single family member." Twilight paused, fidgeting a little. "That's...quite unusual. Foals her age don't normally...uh...last long alone."
Thanks. No pressure, huh, Twilight?
Are we moving too fast? We've only known each other for all of a few hours. Are we ready for that? To be family? To be father and daughter? Hell, am I ready to be a father? What if being a superdick of a father runs in the family? What's to say I'm not going to follow in his footsteps and be an arsetard to poor little Dinky? I'd have to develop a way to beat ten flavours of snot out of myself.
I felt disgusted at myself (or, okay, a little less enamoured). Here was the sweetest, most earnest display of feelings before me. All I could think were a million excuses to reject it. There is probably a special circle of hell for people like me, you know, the kind of place reserved for looters and politicians.
Twilight must have seen the deep hesitation on my face. She gave me a soft little smile. "You know, despite everything, Sunny has some wise things to say sometimes. 'Later', 'Tomorrow' and 'One Day' are all luxuries that don't happen to us ponies. There is no such thing as 'Too Early' for us, there is only 'Too Late'. So seize your dreams today, because there might not be a tomorrow to do the same. Then again, she thought kidnapping one thousand helpless mares was a good idea, so that might not be the soundest advice." She giggled.
There is no such thing as something 'rushed' when you live minute to minute like these ponies do. As poor little Dinky does. Just a few moments ago I had come within a lizard-prick's width of losing her, Trixie, Sona and SnarkyHeart. Nobody with half a lick of sense would wait for regret. And here I was, being a wimp about it.
"I'm no expert. There are no books about this sort of thing." Twilight bit her lip. "But I watched her draw that," she said, pointing a forehoof at the drawing hovering in her magic. "I had never seen a bigger, happier smile on a filly before. But, more importantly, I had never seen you smile a bigger, happier smile than that moment when you met her."
"Dinky's name is...Dinky Doo," she ventured uncertainly, raising a hoof. "It's, like, Deeenk-ee, Dooo." She illustrated the pronunciation her name with one long flowing wave of her tiny hoof like a little orchestra conductor. "It's...ummm...." her tiny brows furrowed as she concentrated, tapping her chin with her hoof thoughtfully, "...like the sound a flower makes when it blooms open, or the sound of the sun as it pops into the sky..." she tapped her hooves together as inspiration struck her, "...or the sound of a pony falling in love and living happily ever after. Deenk-eeee, like that."
That such wonderful, intelligent innocence could blossom in this deep, dark hole. Surely there is nothing greater worth fighting for in this crapsack world?
The thought alone chased away what lingering doubts I had left. Dinky deserved it. And nothing would make me happier than to allow her what she duly deserved. There would be no 'tomorrows', no regrets.
"I know because I measured. My assessment is correct to two quinary places," Twilight added.
Dammit, Twilight, try and read the mood a little.
Before I could retort, I felt something stir in my arms-...er, hooves. "Meeeeem," it gave a soft, languid little squeak of a yawn. "Dinky can't eat anymore shooting stars..." she murmured, sleepily, her fluffy ears twitching gently. She slowly opened her big, bright golden eyes to peer up at me. "Meeep!" she squeaked, tensing up, her ears standing to attention.
"It's alright, Dinky. You might not recognize me under all this awesome, but it's me," I said, as reassuringly as I could manage. At least I still sounded like my usual dudely self. I would never live it down if I ever started speaking in Helium.
"D-Dinky knows, Mr. Muffins," she whispered, receding a little under the blanket covering my chest. She gave mournful little sob as her ears fell. "D-Dinky's sorry! So sorry!" She suddenly broke into earnest tears. "It's all Dinky's fault!"
"Hey, hey, it's alright. I'm sure it was the turnips. They always give me gas and, uh, fur." I always thought I'd be good at this sort of thing. But let's put it this way: weaponized Dinky tears would probably make a deadlier warhead than SnarkyHeart. "Hey now, Co-Overdudette," I said as soothingly as I could, reaching out to comfort her. But she quickly drew away from me, crawling backwards under the blanket.
Y'know what, I'd rather be fighting dragons again. I looked to Twilight for help. But she just gave me an encouraging nod and a smile. Right, I could totally use those things to somehow pry Dinky from this blanket. Thanks, Twilight.
I took a deep breath. Might as well get straight to the point. "Dinky, I really dig this drawing you made," I said. That earned me a quiver and a quiet 'meep' from the little blanket bunker. Well, better than nothing. "I don't think I've ever looked this good. And I think I know why." I patted the little mound underneath the blanket. "It's because I need you by my side, Dinky." The little mound trembled beneath my forehoof. "So please don't leave me like that again. Please?" Something, probably a pair of little ears, perked up under the blanket.
"D-Dinky is nothing. Worse than nothing." The little mound sniffled. "Dinky can't stay here. Dinky will only hurt more ponies!" Is there some sort of low self esteem epidemic going on here? No, really, I gotta know before I catch it and my celestial body of an ego comes crashing down. "Dinky will only hurt you, Mr. Muffins!" she wailed, retreating even further.
What to do now?
Well, I've hugged this little weaponized-cute warhead before, while she was on fire no less. That turned out okay in the end. Mostly. Why try anything new? "Hey, now." I pulled the blanket up with one forehoof. With the other I pulled the surprised little filly into a hug before she could get away. This earned me a soft, tearful squeak from her as I pulled her close against me.
"Let me tell you something, Dinky," I said. Her tiny frame felt incredibly soft and fragile. She slowly raised her big, moist golden eyes up at me fearfully. I gently wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks with my other forehoof, albeit very clumsily. "Yesterday, I was nothing. Today, I am the happiest man in this entire me-damned universe, cause you've come into my life and my hair's never been better behaved." This earned me a soft, quiet giggle from her. Even that little bit gave me a soft, warm glow within, renewing my resolve. "It is exactly because we are nothing that we can be anything and everything," I said, a lot more solemnly. "Yesterday, you may have felt you are nothing. But today you are my daughter. And tomorrow, you can be anything you want to be."
Dinky gazed up at me, her expression one of stunned disbelief. Her fluffy golden tail swishing against me spoke volumes of how she felt. "C-Can D-Dinky...?" she whispered, softly, voice shaking somewhere between doubt and hope. "C-Can Dinky really...?" Her lips trembled, her big eyes glimmering under a pool of tears.
"Daddy's rule number one, Dinky: There's only one place my kid girl's allowed to cry," I said, giving her a gentle smile, "Right here, in my, uh, hooves." Hey, I just got my very own daughter, and she's so cute she makes baby penguin eggs so jealous they probably fry themselves, okay?! I now have the daddy rights to be as sappy and corny as I like! And dammit, I'm gonna use and abuse said rights!
She flung her soft little hooves around my neck and buried her face in my chest before breaking into quiet little sobs. Something told me the little filly's not really used to crying. She held on to me, as if afraid to ever let go. And I didn’t want her to let go. Ever. Because she’s my kid girl now. I felt my heart swell at her simple acceptance, no matter how unworthy I felt. I soared. I was invincible, I was all-powerful, because for her I would never fail, I would never fall. Suddenly she was my entire universe, my everything. Dammit, she's my kid girl. Mine.
It's....
I'm...
"It's the glitter. It's in my eyes," I cried. "There's flutin' glitter everywhere. That's just my face leaking all the excess glitter, that's all. A-A-A-And this is me singing the song of my people. I-I-It's a r-r-really manly s-s-song! L-like, y-you gotta have five ballsacks t-to s-sing it r-right!" I totally did not sob. Dammit, bring Onyx back. Punching him in his succession while on fire would be my only hope of regaining any masculinity here. Twilight gave a soft chuckle at our little spectacle, much to my chagrin.
A bright golden glow embraced us both in its warmth. Little motes of light swirled gently about us, as if heralding the two sparkling orbs gently spiralling down towards us, one a brilliant sunny gold, the other a regal onyx. They slowed to a hover above us both, shedding their glow in a soft shower of sparkles to reveal two little figurines. One seemed to have been cut from the finest sapphire in the form a golden-maned little unicorn filly, caught in mid leap.
The little figurine was suddenly engulfed by two brilliant spiralling silver shooting stars. The glow dissolved away into little tendrils of light, leaving behind two solidified silver-blue shooting stars spiralling around the little filly. The filly herself was adorned in a velvet white cape emblazoned with a blue crystalline snowflake insignia, clasped about her withers by a small gold and crystal chest plate. A simple circlet of bluish white diamond encircled her mane, unassuming yet elegant. Crystal ribbons that billowed in some ethereal wind adorned all four of her hooves. She was the very picture of a brilliant shooting star, descended upon the earth to grant hopes and wishes, a regal but modest princess of the stars.
Twilight watched on breathlessly, quill scribbling furiously across her clipboard. But like any good and safe—mostly safe—scientist, she wisely did not poke the light show.
I looked down from the image of stellar cuteness to find myself being hugged tightly by a life-sized version of the same, complete with cape, circlet and ribbons. The little filly didn’t seem to have noticed, seemingly far too busy snuggling against me. "D-Dinky d-doesn't wanna wake up, e-ever!" Dinky gave a muffled squeak. "Never ever forever!"
"It's alright, Dinky," I said, hugging her as tightly as I could to reassure her this was no dream. "I don't want to either."
"D-D-Daddy?" She whispered, as if tasting the word for the first time. Forget the artillery, she didn’t waste any time aiming the orbital laser cannon right at my heart.
"Dinkyyy!" My battle-damaged heart retaliated valiantly.
"Daddy..." she repeated, with a little more certainty, peeking up at me meekly. It was like peering down the business-end of the Death Star.
"Dinkeeeeh!" My bleeding heart cried.
"Daddy!" she cried, with heartfelt conviction. "Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy,,,!" Oh my balls, the orbital laser cannon has a rapid fire mode. We are so dicked.
"Dinky Dinky Dinky Dinkeeeeeeeh...!" I struggled to keep up with my dying breath. What else do you do with dying breaths?
"Daddy times infinite!" Dinky rammed the Death Star down on me, the most adorably angelic Death Star ever.
"Dinky times infinite plus one!" I gave out one last desperate counter.
"But Daddy, you can't do that!" She slowly looked up from where she had buried her face against my chest to aim a teary pout up at me, fuzzy little ears drooping. "You lost the game!"
Gah! Forget the game, I almost lost my heart! The damn thing felt so swollen in my throat I could barely breathe. "Hnnnngggghhhhh!" I enunciated as urgently as I could, struggling for breath.
"Don't win too hard, Dinky." Twilight gave a little chuckle as she...wait, was she ticking something on a piece of parchment? Some sort of checklist? I didn't get to see it for long as the piece of parchment hovering in her magic quickly disappeared in a flash of magic.
“Dinky’ll be nice. Dinky has a daddy to look after now after all,” Dinky declared matter-of-factly.
“Wait, I’m the one being looked after?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Twilight and Dinky answered for me, rather impatiently. “Somepony needs to keep an eye on you when you’re on your nice morning walks,” Twilight added.
“Dinky ah-dope-ted-ded you, so Dinky will be a good filly and take good care of you, Daddy.” Dinky nodded sagely with a surprisingly assertive tone of finality, leaving no room for argument.
“I’m the one being adopted?” I blinked in disbelief. The flat looks on Dinky and Twilight’s faces settled it. Alright, I suppose to be fair Dinky did proposition me first. So yeah, I’ve been adopted by a little filly.
Why was I grinning crazily at this?
I just gave the little filly her first mane-ruffle in reply. She gave a giggle as she leaned into my ha-...err, hoof, ears twitching happily. Well, it’s day two of our fledgling little Empire. There’s citizens to feed, defenses to organize, policies to enact, Lyras to discipline, and Mauds/SnarkyHearts to evade. But for that perfect little moment, I was content to just bask in that happy little glow.
Oh, speaking of day two, I couldn’t help but wonder what time it was. I looked around at the tall French windows adorning the walls (if there is a France for us to have French windows, that is). It seemed rather dark outside. Was I out that long? Or did someone just forget to open my one thousand year old curtai-....
WHAT THE FLAMING MACAROON BALLSACKS?!
I stared at the windows.
The windows stared back at me.
No, seriously, the windows stared the fuck back at me. I'm not tripping or anything. Every inch of window was plastered with ponies staring into the bedroom with ravenous eyes and drooling muzzles, their bodies packed together so closely they collectively blotted out the sun. From how their plushy-like bodies were pressed against the glass, there was at least another layer or two trying to pile in behind them. The very glass was misting up in front of their muzzles with their frantic panting. What bit of glass wasn't covered by mist was drenched in drool. Or at least I hope that's just drool.
How the hell did I not notice them till just then?
“Twilight, it’s raining mares,” I whispered.
“Oh.” Twilight followed my gaze to the window. “Please don’t worry, your lordship. You’re safe in here. I have taken precautions. The windows are Empire Crystal, and Crystal Heart already told us they are practically indestructible.”
“I was in danger to begin with?” I couldn’t help but feel one eye twitching rather dangerously.
“Well,” Twilight began, tapping her chin with a hoof thoughtfully, “you know how you’re a pony right now?”
“Gee, Twilight, I hadn’t noticed. Wowzee, I’m a pony!” I raised my hooves in mock surprise.
“Well then, you know how a daddy pony and a mommy pony come together and the daddy pony puts his….” the unicorn began, as if imparting a timely lecture.
“Holy flying nutsacks, woman, there is a filly here!” I pointed out, flattening Dinky’s ears against her sides with my forehooves. Dinky cocked her head to one side at me quizzically. “Yes, I know all about the magic foal fountain in the sky!”
“Uh…” Twilight gave me a long, hard look before wisely deciding to cut to the chase, “Well, you see, mommy ponies are most ready to have foals during a certain period every year. During this time they release a special fragrance to attract daddy ponies. But daddy ponies can release this special fragrance whenever they are in the mood. It is thought that strong enough fragrances could in fact cause mommy ponies to become receptive to having a foal and…”
“Wait.” I raised a hoof to cut her lecture short. “You’re saying my body odour is doing that?” I demanded, pointing a forehoof at the window. The window gave a rather worrying creak in reply.
“Um, yes.” Twilight nodded. “Right now you alone are releasing more pheromones than an entire village of ponies throughout an entire heat.”
Great. Now I’m a walking sex nuke. “Must be all my raw, irresistible sexual magnetism I had pent up for a thousand years coming out at once,” I reasoned, as calmly as possible, which wasn’t much considering we were trapped in a zombie apocalypse; a very sexy zombie apocalypse. “So, what do I do to avoid getting mobbed and raped by a horde of pony sex zombies? And, more importantly, are they the bitey-kind of zombies or the sucky-kind?”
“Turn off the pheromones?” Twilight suggested, looking hopeful.
“Oh, of course we can turn it off.” I rolled my eyes. “Let’s see. There’s the dial for my ‘awesome’, there’s the trigger for my ‘wit’, there’s the emergency lever for my ‘sarcasm’....” I closed my eyes in mock meditation, “Nope, the OverPheromones don’t have an ‘off’ button.”
“Um, perhaps do whatever Ms. Twilight is doing?” Dinky had somehow managed to wiggle her ears free of my hooves to offer her suggestion.
I looked between Dinky and Twilight. How the burning ballsacks did I miss that?
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Excel-Sorroritas Vigilans, The Holy Book of the Divine Vigil OverMaidens of The OverEvilness.
The Book of Fire, Fires 1:11: And she brazenly demanded of her saviour, “Who are you? Who are you to promise us salvation? To give me hope?” For she was a sinner who had slain her own in the Adversary’s name. She lived every waking moment aware of this, for in every sleeping her soul burns in Tartarus whence she knew the burden of her sins would carry her. But when she was welcomed with open arms to the OverEvilness’ sanctuary, in her despair she was blind to his benevolence. She doubted him, for she saw his kindness as a liability and his embrace of his beloved chosen as a weakness. And with her words she thusly challenged him. But the OverEvilness, in his infinite generosity, saw fit not to jettison her into orbit with an almighty hip thrust from his hidden horn, the very same with which he had dispatched the mighty dragon Lord Onyx. Instead, he said unto her, "I am everything my ponies make me. I am everything my ponies are. And I will bear everything you are, my little pony." In that moment he accepted her, for all that she was, bloody sinner and all. He took upon himself the burden of her being. And thusly OverSaint Spitfire was freed of the Adversary’s taint, and became the first to be booptised. As she became his, so did she became his first OverMaiden. Thusly was the first Order of OverMaidens founded.
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Ecclesiarch Prioris, The Holy Book of the Divine Chantry OverMaidens of The OverEvilness
The Book of Hearts, Heart 32:34: And at that exact moment, her holiness, OverSaint Crystal Heart, sensing in her heart and her nethers the formation of Oversaint Spitfire’s Generation 2 MLP and her ascension into his order of OverMaidens, raised her head to the heavens in fervent gratitude and cried in ecstasy, “He had sex!” And she saw that it was Legendary. There was much cheering, celebrating and clopping. And OverSaint Heartstrings was not jealous. At all.
Chapter 10 - OverCame, OverSaw, OverConquered. Not Necessarily in That Order
“Um, perhaps do whatever Ms. Twilight is doing?” Dinky had somehow managed to wiggle her ears free of my hooves to offer her suggestion. I looked between Dinky and Twilight. How the burning ballsacks did I miss that?
Good thing I had my Dinky-Hat of Perception +20 equipped. It is also a good thing to know that wearing her as a snuggle-battery still gives me the bonus stats.
"Twilight, you are a mare, right?” I asked, demonstrating my Overlord-tier powers of perception.
“Wha-wh-what are you suggesting?!” Twilight sputtered, looking the very picture of pony indignation, or an exploding tomato, or both.
"I am suggesting that either you're so celibate you make bricks look like sugar-rushed rabbits in heat, or you swing so hard for the other team that a ball of yarn's probably straighter," I said, giving her a suspicious look.
"What?" Twilight blinked. "No! I'm not a filly-fooler or anything! That'd be blasphemy! An abomination unto Lord Ahuizotl! I don't want to be executed!" she gasped.
'Filly fooler'? Huh, interesting. Just what isn’t blasphemy in this world ruled by this big dick in the sky? I have a feeling even ice cream’s probably too hot and racy for them.
"Ms. Twilight, could Dinky please take that?" Dinky asked politely like a good little filly before swiping the clipboard Twilight had floating in her magic. "Ms. Twilight, why is your horn still glowing?" She pointed out Twilight's glowing horn with all the innocence of a teddy bear, a quietly ticking one.
"Uh, um..." The older unicorn took a flustered step backwards. It took me a moment to understand what Dinky was getting at. I had gathered that unicorn horns sheds more sparkles than Tinker-Belle while they're spell-casting. I had assumed Twilight had hers lit to maintain the levitation spell she had on the clipboard. But with the clipboard securely in Dinky's hooves, It was interesting that Twilight’s horn still glowed. This suggested two things: that Twilight could juggle multiple spells and that she was craftily sneaking one on me.
"So there is magic strong enough to resist my Over-pheromones." I gave her a long, thoughtful look. "Looks like A-Wee-So-Much's empire won't be falling to an Over-Orgy-pocalypse; at least not anytime soon," I sighed. Then again, probably best I didn't give Sunset any ideas. Knowing her, she'd probably strap me to a rocket, launch me straight at their capital and watch the sexplosion. "So, what is it? Did you replace your blood with liquid nitrogen or baby shampoo or something?”
“Um, well..." Twilight fidgeted nervously, giving me a watery smile. "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
"Fine, hit me with the bad news." I braced myself. I felt something tense up sympathetically under my rear, causing me to jump a little in surprise. It looked like I didn’t need Twilight’s help finding any bad news, I found one sitting under my bum. It was my tail, and it appeared intent on violating me as it moved about with a mind of its own.
Twilight didn’t seem to have noticed my expression of shock and horror, however, seemingly too busy fidgeting nervously while avoiding my gaze. “So I may or may not be casting the ‘Better-Outside-than-Inside’ spell on you,” she began. The local spell-naming vernacular really leaves little to the imagination. I really gotta find out what their Viagra spell is called.
Yes, Ms. Purple-Smart, I obviously fart weapons-grade aphrodisiacs. “And what exactly does this spell do?” I asked, eyebrow cocked and loaded.
“Remove any gas that isn’t air outside.” Twilight was clearly looking away. She wasn’t even trying anymore.
So this is the 'bad news'? “Aaaand where is this ‘outside’?” I pursued.
“The…um…ventilation system thing?” Twilight’s lips were quivering dangerously. “I thought it was a good idea at the time!” she cried, defensively. Ventilation ducts: The death of all evil overlords.
Face, meet hoof. You’re both fucked. We’re all fucked. Metaphorically and—quite soon—literally. “So we’re pumping my weapon of mass all-fuck-tion neurotoxin throughout the entire citadel?” I sighed. “And now the entire citadel is filled with sex-zombies?” My tail decided to twitch anxiously again, obviously getting all competitive with the mares in violating me.
“Objectively speaking, um, yes,” Twilight conceded. "998 of them to be exact.”
Oh, good, statistics always make everything seem a little less scary. Except when you’re about to become one. At least they can’t get in my pants; I ain’t wearing any.
“Minus the fillies of course," Twilight added, helpfully. Oh good, at least I'm not going directly to Hell.
On the bright side, at least it's one thousand mares. I mean, not to be sexist or anything, but one thousand dude-ponies might be a little too mainstream for me.
Makes me wonder if there’s a parallel universe out there with an Over-Dudette struggling to save one thousand dude-ponies. I wonder if she’s into bubble-wrap?
“And what happens if you stop the spell now?” I asked, futilely trying to rub all the 'nope' out of my head.
“I don’t want to find out.” Twilight shook her head. “Uh, um, but in th-the unlikely e-event that h-happens, um, I prefer being the little spoon,” she added, glowing like a lava lamp.
Dinky looked up at me, giving me a quizzical look. "Is Dinky missing out on something?" the little filly asked, cocking her head to one side.
"Trust me, Dinky, I wish I was too," I sighed. "So, what's the good news then?" I allowed myself a little hope amidst the despair.
"Uh..." She gave another nervous smile. "Let me get back to you on that." And my hope was promptly dashed. Thanks, Twilight.
A loud clanking noise gave us pause. Somehow that didn’t sound like good news at all. Our gaze quickly zeroed in on the culprit: the accursed ventilation duct I had so meticulously repaired to perfection with magical crystal duct tape (I am still trying to figure out why the duct tape was under my bed to begin with). The crystal grills had fallen onto the floor with a clatter. The duct behind it, however, stood ominously dark and empty.
"Power Conservation Predator Mode: Active," a chilling voice announced from somewhere at the foot of my bed. “Target locked on.”
A deafening silence fell. Twilight, Dinky and I strained our ears at the edge of the herd-sized bed. Then it appeared. It rushed for us. The stalking predator was only given form by the blood-red blanket silently rippling over its lethally curvaceous figure as it approached. It moved with shark-like agility as its deadly form surged towards us.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A sissy scream filled the air. It totally wasn't me. It was emo-goth-sparkly-gelding pony. "I want my lawyer! I want my mommy! I want my lawyer’s mommy! Kill it! Kill it with fire before it lays eggs! In me!"
It coursed towards us. Closer, closer, like a hunter homing in on its prey. Then...
WHAM
It slammed straight into one of the twelve bed posts, leaving a deep dent in the wood. The mound under the blanket trembled a little. I could have sworn I heard a teeny squeak of pain.
It then slowly, methodically reversed. It corrected its course before accelerating again, this time aiming for...
WHAM
It slammed into yet another bed post. The predatory blanket-beast trembled a bit longer this time. But it would not falter. If anything, it put in renewed vigour into...
WHAM
...ramming yet another bed post.
We watched as it proceeded to hit every bed post on its way up the bed. By the time it reached us, Dinky had somehow found me a length of bubble wrap. Trust my Co-Overdudette to deliver! I held the bubble wrap out in my forehooves, sparing a moment to marvel at the surprising dexterity of my hooves. It was like wearing a pair of mittens... very furry and clumsy mittens.
The bed-shark finally launched itself out from under the sea of linen, aiming right for me. But I was ready. I flourished my sheet of bubble wrap like the world's most bubbly matador. I caught the fiend's horn right in the centre of my absolute-bubbly-field. The bubbly plastic was pierced through and stretched to breaking point, but it held up better than any condom I had ever used and abused. With a twist of my forehooves, I spun the bubble wrap and flipped the mighty bed-shark with it, slamming her into the bed on her side.
And that, kids, is how you bed a bed-shark.
Don’t try this at home. Or anywhere for that matter.
"To evade my Heart-seeker Predator Mode with such ease...." the cerulean beast panted softly as she lay on her side like a beached whale, "...as expected of my Master. Clever, flooding the entire citadel with your essence to evade my planetwide sensors."
"So, our planetary sensors are focused on my ass." I sighed. Trust Crystal Heart to have her priorities straight when it came to worldwide ambitions. I idly wrapped the bubble wrap tightly about her horn much as a crocodile wrestler would bind the beast's maw. I earned myself a long, drawn-out moan and a helpless twitch from the defeated monster. And a few choice bubble wrap pops too. Ah, the sweet succulent sound of victory! "Your deviance is on a different scale entirely, Crystal Heart."
“I…nnghh…aim only to…aaaahnn…please,” she managed to maintain her monotonous deadpan between passionate moans. Her whole body fidgeted helplessly as I tightened my hoof-grip on her horn. “Pleasantries aside, Master, the time is…oooh…now. Your mares are…ahaahnnn…at their most fertile, you are at your…ooooh…stallionliest and I am at my…nnngghhh…wettest. The conditions for exponentially increasing the Empire’s population are…mmmhh…ideal.” Dialing her horn in either direction appeared to only increase her volume.
Twilight had the decency to magically levitate a pillow and fold it around Dinky’s ears like a pair of oversized earmuffs. Anything to preserve that innocently bewildered face looking curiously up at me.
"Nope. Got a headache. Look, it's poking out of my skull," I said flatly, pointing to the horn on my head. "Not in the mood."
“You cannot…haahn…feign disinterest any further, Master. Aaaahn…I know for a fact that…ooooh….you have had sexual intercourse."
"The mountain? Just to be clear, a dragon was fucking me over. I fucked back. And that mountain got in the way. Just me flirting with mother nature. Seriously, she's the only lady big enough around here." I shrugged evasively.
"You know who I...Hnngg….speak of. How was she? I am of course referring to the sex." Forget segueing into the subject. Crystal Heart just nuked it into the conversation. Or sex talk. Or whatever this is. I don't think I really want to know. Neither does Twilight, judging by how uncomfortably she was shifting. "I require every...mmmmh...detail, including orgasm count, positions, targets, rate and depth. This is so I can...awaaaaan....correlate your performance with your success in fertilizing her. And of course to....mmmmm....begin archiving data on your sexual fetishes to better improve my own personal simulations. It will be...ooooh...useful for simulation number 99,921,345,441"
"Crystal Heart, what the horny macaroons is wrong with you?!" I demanded in exasperation. "I didn't pop any bubble wrap on any part of her anatomy, okay?" I paused as I remembered something. "And I could have sworn you were at 98 billion wet dreams when I left you this morning."
"Your walk with subject Lulamoon was...aaahn...objectively uneventful," Crystal Heart replied, somehow managing to pant monotonously.
"Sorry if giant fire breathing dragons aren't your fetish," I muttered. "Anyway, being alone with someone for all of five minutes does not automatically imply sex."
"I was referring to the…nngghh….G2 MLP you created as opposed to the usual G1." Crystal Heart replied.
"G2?" I raised an eyebrow. “Is that like MLPs with double the glitter or something?”
"Ahah, so it’s like a levelled-up MLP!” I nodded, enlightened. That explains the whole extra magical wardrobe swap on Spitfire. Good to know that laws of magic around here follow the more-power-equals-more-armour convention rather than the new age hippie opposite coming out of the more interesting parts of Japan. If a G1 MLP can turn Trixie into a +20 squeaky party balloon of doom that can blast dragons and mountains asunder, I fear to imagine what a Generation 2 can achieve. Probably turn them into rainbow princess elder gods or lawyers or rainbow princess elder god lawyers or something.
"A G2 MLP?" Twilight frowned, aiming a quizzical look my way, leaving the question of 'who with' up in the air.
"So, the G2 MLP needs a lot more feeling behind it, I take it?" I asked, carefully avoiding Twilight's question. Best I keep things with Spitfire under wraps until I figure out how exactly to explain the situation with her to the citizens.
"Indeed." Crystal Heart nodded. "It can only be forged by a level of loyalty and devotion equal to an act of consensual fornication." Twilight's eyes visibly twitched at this. I couldn't fault her reaction considering our most powerful magical artifact is apparently born of hot sexy times.
Or at least so Crystal Heart thinks.
"Pretty sure if that were the case, I'd have a bubblewrap-induced G2 MLP of you by now," I pointed out. "And a few others, considering my rampant disregard for personal space and general debauchery."
"This can be corrected, Master," Crystal Heart said. "Right now."
"Well, what if I told you that there was no sex involved?" Throwing logic at Crystal Heart was about as amusing and effective as an origami condom.
Crystal Heart cocked her head to one side. "You are telling me you didn't get any, Master?"
I deflated a little. Dammit, when you put it that way...
"Absolute zero," I asserted, doing my best to maintain what little pride I had left in not getting any at all. Huh, this was more difficult than I thought.
"Not even..." A pleading tone crept into Crystal Heart's monotone.
"No, not even ruining them for marriage. I don't even know how to ruin a pegasus for marriage," I pointed out. I realized a little belatedly that I let the 'pegasus' part slip, earning me a raised eyebrow from Twilight.
"I can show yo-..." Crystal Heart began, spreading her wings across the bedspread.
"No."
"Then..." Crystal Heart gave a resigned sigh, "...you are truly a god capable of ravishing a mare with his eyes alone."
"What?" I blinked.
"That's just scientifically absurd," Twilight added helpfully, though I noted she had inched away, carefully averting her eyes from me. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Twilight.
"You know what? Whatever. Sure, Crystal Heart, whatever you say," I sighed. "What are you doing?" Noticing the cerulean green pony staring pointedly at me.
"Waiting for you to ravish me with your eyes, Master," she explained, as if it were the most obvious thing in the universe.
"No. Crystal Heart. Just, no." I sighed heavily, deciding this had gone on long enough. I prepared to give Crystal Heart a much-needed talk on propriety and decency as I aimed the harshest glare I could muster at.....
"HAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Crystal Heart cried out in heaven-rending ecstasy as she suddenly arched her back, every muscle in her little pony body tensing up.
"Dammit, Crystal Hea-..." My eyes immediately darted towards the trembling glass windows in panic. No, please, no. But before I could even finish cursing, a loud rumbling roar like the launch of a hundred rockets or the war cry of a thousand angels descending from heaven shook the entire room. It was like watching a single careless spark set off an entire fireworks factory; a rather soggy fireworks factory. It was porn crafted by the hands of Oppenheimer, Michael Bay and the Wachowski brothers to the soundtrack of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. It was Da Vinci painting in orgasms to the theme of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyrie. It was…
As my eyes struggled to take in the enormity of the scene, my brain decided to give up on gracing similes upon the the sheer what-the-fuckery outside.
It was the sound of 1000 virgin mares erupting in climax. At once.
Minus the fillies and possibly Twilight. Maybe. I'm not even sure anymore. I don't care. I'm already going to Hell as it is. It's not like Hell has a Hell they can throw me in. I think.
I felt the very foundations of the citadel itself shudder violently as if sharing in the most epic orgasm in the history of all creation. Even the building’s in on this. Who'd want to be left out? Other than me. Nope, didn't feel left out at all. I just stared out into space, feeling a strange sense of detachment and peace as the entire world came as one. Yes, nothing mattered anymore. Nothing at all. Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I took a deep sigh as I descended from my state of near-enlightenment. As if obeying my unspoken command, the world around me came down as well. I watched as the wall of mares plastering my windows slowly oozed into a damp heap at the base of my tall windows. The sun shone brightly through the liberated (if newly-stained) windows, probably disapproving silently. I didn't give a fuck. I mean, the entire world just came without me fucking anything. Obviously my fucks are unnecessary.
What is this strange and empty feeling? This vacuum that wouldn't be plugged up no matter how much I buried my han-...hooves in my face.
Twilight just stared, open-mouthed. She had been miraculously spared. To her great credit, she managed to maintain enough concentration to keep pillows plastered over both Dinky's ears and eyes despite the little filly's admirable struggle.
There was a strange little popping sound, one that almost went entirely ignored. There were probably a few sparkles and rainbow lights too, come to think of it. Nobody cared. I was too busy cradling my face in my hoo-...wait, hands? I had hands again?
I blinked, looking down at the five wiggly digits that my mind drunkenly registered as fingers. They seemed almost...alien. So did the rest of my hairless hand, arm, shoulders…. pretty much the entirety of this alien—but sexy—body.
"Huh, that's handy," I said, emptily. After all that, that was the first thing that came out of my mouth.
I should shoot myself.
I just turned back into a human. I should be celebrating my ability to flip the finger again. But instead I couldn't bring myself to care. I know it's absurd to feel this empty, but I seriously don't know what else to feel. I mean...
...I just made one thousand virgin mares (minus fillies) orgasm with a single glance.
"Oh, yes," Twilight agreed, latching onto what was probably the one and only anchor of sanity in this ocean of 'what'. "I mean, uh, you're not a pony anymore. You're back to a...umm...."
"A dude." I reminded her with a shrug. We were both struggling to ignore the pile of catatonically twitching ponies on the balcony outside. We were succeeding quite admirably. "I wonder how that happened?"
"Maybe the spell that transformed you had some sort of trigger." Twilight pondered, forehoof on her chin. "I wonder what the trigger might....be...." Our eyes were finally drawn irresistibly towards the mound of oversexed ponies outside, then down to the limp form of Crystal Heart on the bed.
"Fuck," I muttered.
"Yeah, that must be it," Twilight agreed. "The trigger, I mean."
Great. The badass frickin' OverDude has a final form, and it is activated by the orgasms of one thousand virgin mares.
Minus the fillies. Gotta remember that. For sanity's sake.
I wish I knew how many fillies we had. Damn, where's Ditzy when I need her? Oh, right, probably somewhere in that heap outside. Sorry, Ditzy.
"Hmm, it could be any number between one and one thousand," Twilight thought out loud, obviously following the same train of thought I was. "I suppose we could experiment to find out the exact number, you know, testing for a transformation at n = 1 and working our way up. We'd have to set up a laboratory where we can reproduce the exact same quality of orgasm in each subject. It'd also need to be a big enough facility to test one thousand subjects at once.
“And once we find that magic number we can test whether or not virginity is a factor. Though that would require at least one non-virgin, though we appear to have a critical shortage at the moment. But thankfully we have all the ingredients to produce one, a non-virgin that is." She continued to think out loud with absolute disregard for her audience.
"Uh, wait, that means I'd have to eventually be involved in the test myself as n approaches one thousand! But then who'd observe the results?! If I end up introducing observer bias because I was too busy having sex, the experiment would be ruined!" she cried in sudden panic, apparently not the slightest bit concerned about being involved herself. Or maybe she hadn't realized that yet.
"Oh, wait, that means I'd have to have sex?!" she squeaked. "Wait, I don't even know how to have sex properly outside of what little theoretical research I did in preparation for coming here! What if I can't perform up to the required standard? What if my inexperience introduces error into the experiment?!"
Welp. At least you can't say she doesn't think of everything. I didn't bother saying anything. I mean, what is there to say? 'Twilight, you'll do fine'. 'Twilight, I have faith in your abilities'. 'Twilight, you're too adorable. Never, ever change'.
"No, wait. Calm down, Sparkle. Let's think about this rationally." The unicorn took a deep breath.
There's any rational thought left here?! Please share!
"Maybe it's not one thousand mares, but one thousand orgasms! So we simply need to have one subject have an increasing number of orgasms, starting at n = 1 until we reach n = 1000. All at once." Twilight's mane was twanging in all sorts of awkward directions in her tizzy. "Now I just need to find somepony to test this on."
Heavens save the poor soul.
"A willing one would be preferable," Twilight added, her magically-levitated quill scribbling madly across a piece of parchment.
Suggesting willingness was optional.
"I'm willing," Crystal Heart rasped, raising a shaky forehoof into the air. "For science."
Please don't encourage her.
"Dinky's still here," Dinky reminded us all of her presence, though she had long since given up struggling against her pillow-y sensory deprivation. "Dinky doesn't think this is how you play hide and seek."
"Oh." I could almost hear the brakes screech inside Twilight's brain as she did a double-take. "I'm sorry, Dinky." She gave the frowning little filly an apologetic smile as she lifted the pillows off her ears and eyes.
“Um, Dinky missed something again,” the little filly said, looking out the window at the pile of twitching adults.
“They all tired themselves out cleaning the window,” I murmured weakly. “It was a very dirty window.”
“Grown-ups are kinda weird…” The little filly observed, sagely. "Oh, you changed back, Daddy," she said, suddenly noticing my form. "It worked!"
"What worked, Dinky?" I asked wearily.
"Dinky kind of wished you could be a pony. But Dinky also likes you as you are," Dinky explained. "So Dinky thought it'd be nice if you could change into a pony and back whenever you like. Dinky thought an easy switch would be nice. Having fun, for example, like when you were praying with Miss Minty Pony last night."
Huh, I don't get it. What does the prayer I did last night with Lyra have to do with all that sex outside?
A look of realization dawned on Twilight's face. Or was it horror? Probably both. Well, at least one of us had figured it out. I decided not to expend any further effort right now, but simply ask Twilight once we have some privacy.
"Thank you, Dinky. That was thoughtful of you." I gave the little filly another mane ruffle, this time with the added pleasure of being able to feel her silky tresses run between my fingers. This earned me a few heart-warming kitten-like purrs from my newfound daughter, and a rather envious look from Twilight and (dare I say) Crystal Heart. Hmm, yes, come chaos or the apocalypse, I now had a solid anchor to sanity; my little Dinky Doo.
The gentle stirring of a few of the more resilient mares on the balcony outside brought Twilight's attention back home. "I should probably help the others," she said, suddenly looking concerned.
"I would help assess the post-coital status of our citizens, but I fear I find myself deprived of any means of locomotion," Crystal Heart said. "I can't feel my legs," she added, noticing the blank look on my face.
"If you'll excuse me then, your Lordship?" Twilight gave me a quick curtsy.
"Twilight, I already said that 'Dude' is fine," I chided, recovering my groove, or what's left of it. Stroking Dinky's mane and back worked wonders. "Alright, but be sure to go find something to eat. We've had a long morning." Yeah, a very long morning.
She gave me a grateful smile and a nod as she trotted off to the door. She pulled the door open... only to find a solid wall of catatonic ponies jamming the door frame. She gave a teeny squeak as the wall suddenly turned into a mareslide, quickly burying her in a squishy and rather wet avalanche. As the last pony rolled down the mound before rolling up against the foot of my bed, I saw all that was left of Twilight Sparkle—a single purple forehoof sticking out of the pile—give one last desperate twitch. Then it went still and lifeless.
Rest in peace, Twilight.
Before I could get up to dig Twilight out and possibly help a few of these poor mares myself, another problem reared its adorable head. "Direct control this, mistress!" A familiar little ball of slate-black fluff slid down the pile of mares blocking the doorway before launching herself up into the air towards us. Lo and behold, it was Snarky Heart, carrying what looked like the threatened turnip on her back. As she sailed through the air ever closer, the actual dimensions of the turnip relative to her tiny filly-esque frame became apparent.
Uh, surely there's something in the Geneva convention against turnips that massive?! Or ballistic missiles? Or both? Oh, but wait, we're in an alien world and that's an alien turnip. A fluting massive alien turnip. Wait, where is that turnip even going?!
I didn't want to find out. I picked up the nearest weapon I could find, which just so happened to be a limp and rather sticky Crystal Heart, and mounted her on my shoulder as one would any ol' rocket launcher. I aimed her bubble wrap-covered horn up at the incoming bogey. I reached back with my other hand and found Crystal Heart's silky aquamarine tail and gave it a sharp tug.
Did I know whether or not that would work? Nope. And yet I somehow achieved something. That something being Crystal Heart giving out a loud squeak, her horn suddenly sparking and giving out an explosive blast of magic, expelling the bubble wrap straight at the incoming Snarky Heart.
Snarky Heart's eyes widened in surprise for a split second just before the bubble wrap net smacked her in the face and wrapped around her tight like a cocoon. She crash landed into the bed quite harmlessly. Her turnip warhead bounced next to her just a moment after.
Happy that yet another crisis had been averted to my satisfaction, I decided to resume some semblance of normality in my life. I placed the dreamy-eyed Crystal Heart on the bed before standing up and stretching. I gazed out the window beyond the mounds of dazed-but-happy-looking ponies out towards the slowly rising sun. I took a nice deep breath, ignoring the sickeningly-sweet pungent smell of what I must be mare musk, as I convinced myself today would be a good day. I left a curious Dinky poking the squirming bubble wrapped ball experimentally as I searched for my clothes.
Oh, right, I only arrived with the clothes on my back… which were probably ripped to pieces by me transforming into my final form. Hmm, what do? Ahah, Twilight left her sample buckets. With some ingenious application of leftover bubble-wrap I designed myself, well, not quite underwear, but at least a censorship bar.
"Master, what is that?" Crystal Heart asked as she flopped over onto her front. Damn, she recovers fast.
"A censorship bar," I did a few experimental hip thrusts, ensuring nothing would fly off and poke someone in the eye. "You know, workplace safety. Keeps things safe for work."
"That one's too small, Master." Crystal Heart said, helpfully. "Allow me to fix it," she offered, levitating the monster turnip in her magic. "The safety of both yourself and our Empire’s legacy is my first concern after all."
Uh. Where is that turnip going? Crystal Heart? Crystal Heaaaart?!
The bucket was tossed aside in favour of the monster turnip. I feel like I'm overcompensating for so-....I mean, this is totally a better fit! I turned this way and that, even did a few test lunges.
“You look the very picture of serene grace, Master.” Crystal Heart nodded with approval, with but a tinge of red to her cheeks.
“It is a turnip, Crystal Heart.” I pointed out.
“Turnips are a symbol of ambition, hopes, dreams, confidence and unisexual fornicatious prowess.” My assistant supplied.
“Oh, is it? Well, it is a little loos-....tight around the nethers, but it is adequate.” I gave the Emperor’s new turnip a nod of approval.
"Always my pleasure, Master," she replied, leaving an entirely not awkward silence in her wake.
“Sure. Your pleasure, right.” I turned in search of Dinky. It’s fascinating how having a little unicorn for an adopted kid girl was the most normal thing in my life at the time. I quickly found my one last anchor to sanity half-clambering atop the squirming bubblewrap blob, rolling it around like a kitten discovering its first ball of yarn. “Dinky, come here. Who knows where that thing’s been.” The little filly’s ears perked up. Sparing her new toy one last longing look, she obediently scampered up and leapt into my arms.
I gave her an idle scratch behind the ears, earning a happy coo. Maybe I was spoiling her a little much, but hey, she’s got a lot of childhood to make up for. It helps that it makes the whole world just right then and there.
I sighed in quiet contemplation of everything on my to-do-list for the day ahead: Very awkward pillow talk with nearly one thousand girls; some strong coffee and possibly a wash for everyone; plotting against an evil tyrant god; all the OverPheromones to air…
‘Wait, that isn’t the smell of OverPheromones lingering, is it?’ I thought in sudden panic. Now Twilight’s spell was wearing off, smells were returning with a vengeance. One was rising above the general pervasive tang of mare musk. And it was coming from….
“Um. It wasn’t Dinky.” Dinky was quick to say, noticing my sniffing about.
“Dinky, when was the last time you showered?” I frowned down at the little filly. I hadn’t noticed how rank she was before. The morning’s excitement must have turned it up twentyfold.
“Um…” The little filly squirmed uncomfortably in my arms. “Daddy, what’s a show-war?”
I stared at the little filly blankly. She gave me a stare just as blank. I stared harder. She fidgeted nervously. Then came the squirming. Then the struggling. Then the wrestling. And so began the epic titanic clash between Overlord and filly.
“Dinky, having a staring competition with the water won’t make it any less wet.”
“*Meep*”
“Neither will giving it puppy dog eyes.”
“*Meep*”
“It is an Imperial Decree and daddy’s orders that every single citizen have a bath this morning. That includes you.”
“*Meep*”
“You’ve survived a dragon and an eldritch abomination. A little water won’t hurt you.”
“*Meep*”
“Nor will the soap.”
“*Meeeeeeeep*”
“Will you please come down from the ceiling lamp?”
“*Meeeeeeeep*”
“Come down here or I will bring the water to you. I have a hose and I am not afraid to use it.”
“*Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*”
“What does that even mean?”
“*Meep*”
SPLASH
“Your war noise, huh? Fine. It. Is. On.”
It was a rather damp Overdude that trudged his way down towards the cargo elevators that otherwise fine morning. Note to self, fillies somehow magically multiply water by a factor of fifty when shaking themselves dry. While Dinky had reluctantly resumed her rightful place nestled in my hair, she had immediately curled up facing away from me for the rest of the morning. Her ignoring me left me feeling just a little empty and lonely... But no, no amount of filial attitude shall turn me from my fatherly duties. I shall be resolute. I shall be firm. I shall be as a mighty rock of unwavering will in demonstrating that I am the one who wears the pants...I mean, turnip, in this household.
Yes, totally.
Hmm.
….I shall probably get her an extra large apple. At least.
And some sweets.
And beg for forgiveness.
Don’t judge me. You’d do the same if you had a kid girl this adorable.
I just wish my other companion would give me the silent treatment.
"I sense you are upset with me, Master," Crystal Heart said evenly as she trotted briskly to keep up with my long strides.
I didn't bother replying. I would let her stew a little. It felt cruel. I knew how much she craved my attention and approval. But I hoped it would go a little towards her realizing the gravity of what she had done. Yes, I shall be firm, no matter how much her ears drooped, how her tail lay lifeless between...
"Is it because you didn't get to finish?" she suggested, as smoothly as asking about the weather.
I would have face planted the floor, mind reeling in protest, if I hadn't needed to consider Dinky’s safety. I could sense the questioning look in the little filly's eyes boring into my skull from above. I am impressed with just how much we're getting away with Dinky here. At least I think we are.
"I don't think I even began anything to finish in the first place," I said pointedly before deciding to give in. The crafty little pony would no doubt continue to bombard me with deadpan innuendo until I did. "We will have to talk about what happened this morning, Crystal Heart. Yes, I noticed how you warned me about Trixie leaving and not a certain something a little more urgent until it was almost too late. You had better have had a damned good excuse for what you did."
"Ah, about..." Her eyes flicked towards the little filly peering down at her curiously from where she sat curled up on my head. "Yes, I suppose we do. And we will, I promise, Master," she conceded. I appreciated that she didn't feign ignorance at least.
As much as Crystal Heart’s poor decision-making dissatisfied me, she was central to the running of the Empire. I needed to talk to her if I was to get the Empire going on day one. "Thank you. We will talk about that later when we have time to ourselves," I muttered gruffly. "For now we have to build an Empire in a day."
"Indeed, Master." Crystal Heart nodded. "I take it you are on your way down to the storage room where subject Spitfire is currently imprisoned?"
"I have decided." I said, with a heavy sigh, "There’s little hope for a diplomatic resolution, right?"
"There is some, objectively speaking," Crystal Heart said. "Once Administrator Ahuizotl is removed from power. He will require some persuasion, however, possibly of the hostile variety."
"And I think I will need Spitfire to help me organize some of that persuasion." I knew of only two ponies trained in warfare right now: Ditzy and Spitfire. I didn’t know where Ditzy stood with me, leaving Spitfire the obvious choice. Discussing bloodshed with the pegasus so soon after her admission that morning troubled me. But that very same morning I had learned how unforgiving this world was, how easily I could lose everything. There were difficult decisions to be made, and it was down to the Emperor to make them.
We walked on in a rather heavy silence for a while. The odd need to fill the silence with something, anything, slowly grew in me, so much so that I felt somewhat guilty for the silent treatment I had given my number one assistant. I cast my eye about the corridor, looking for something to talk about. Then I noticed how the wide crystal corridors were awash with light... and not natural daylight at that.
Blazing white pulses of light coursed through their intricate embedded circuitry, almost blinding compared to the previous night’s more subdued blue pulses. Every corridor was transformed from the usual sombre purple to a regal blue and white. "While the interior needs some redecorating... maybe some floral wallpaper here, a firebomb there... don't you think we're overdoing the interior lighting?" I asked Crystal Heart as we strode on down yet another identical corridor.
"It’s all the excess energy. I am having trouble allocating all of it to storages. A lot of the Empire's energy capacitors have either been dormant for too long or caved in underground," she reported. "I am actually forced to store a significant portion in the Mini-Hearts. I only hope they do not spontaneously combust."
"Excess energy? Where from?" I asked, doggedly ignoring her comment on the Mini-Hearts. I already suspected where the excess energy had come from, but I’d rather hear it straight from Crystal Heart.
As if answering my question, we happened upon a little huddled group of unicorn mares having an excited conversation in one corner of the corridor.
"Did you hear?" one orange-furred unicorn asked, ears and tail twitching excitedly.
"Yeah. The dark master had fifty mares all at once. Bucked them all senseless and left them all a drooling pile of wrecks." The dark blue mare in the group nodded.
"Fifty? I heard it was more like one hundred." A cream-coated mare raised an eyebrow.
"I heard three hundred. Literally. I mean, I heard all three hundred orgasm. At. The. Same. Time." Orange Fur said.
"I thought that was thunder." Dark Blue frowned.
"Nope. That was the sound of the dark master having one thousand mares. All at once," a slate gray mare declared. "This is the official statement from the fan club's inner circle, so it must be true."
"We're part of that one thousand, hoof-for-brains. We'd have been there with them." Orange Fur rolled her eyes.
"That's the thing. It was an orgasm so epic none of them, well, us, remember it," Slate Gray explained.
"You mean he really did buck us all so hard we don't remember anything? At the same time?!" Orange Fur stared, wide-eyed. "I-I mean, I-I th-thought I just h-had the most a-amazing wet dream ever!"
I watched as the mares lifted their tails to peer back at whatever it was they kept underneath their tails. I didn't really want to know.
I valiantly ignored Crystal Heart’s attempt to catch my eye with her own. No, Crystal Heart, I don’t want you teaching me either. Or reading my thoughts.
"Buck! I don't remember anything!" Orange Fur squeaked, suddenly slamming her head against a nearby wall.
"I want to remeeeeeeeeeember!" Dark Blue moaned, doing an odd little tippy-hooved dance.
"I want to remember tooooo! It was my first tiiiime!" Slate Gray wailed, rolling around on the floor.
"Wait, does that mean I'm married to him now?" One petite light cerise pony asked, cocking her head to one side, an adorably naive expression on her face. She appeared to be the odd pony out, being the only one without a horn. An earth pony?
The others paused in their ritualistic head-slamming, dancing and rolling to stare up at their companion.
"Why, yes indeed, dear." Another unicorn, this one a pale lemony colour, threw a front hoof around Light Cerise's withers. Pale Lemony threw her wavy light orange mane out of the way as she pulled Light Cerise closer, whispering something in her ear. Light Cerise's Persian blue eyes slowly widened in response, her ears and dark purple tail twitching with what looked like anxiety and anticipation. "Oh, speak of the handsome devil," I heard Pale Lemony say in a louder voice as she made a show of noticing Crystal Heart, Dinky and I. "You should go greet your lord." Her horn lit up, bathing Light Cerise in her pale blue magic and pushing the petite pony towards me.
"Greetings, your Overlordship." Pale Lemony made a grand show of curtsying deeply. Light Cerise whimpered softly and dropped down low, pressing her belly and head against the floor. The other unicorns quickly followed suit, prostrating themselves before me, just to add to my growing discomfort. "I am Gold Slipper,” Pale Lemony continued, “please consider me your most loyal of advocates." She slowly straightened up, before using her magic again to roughly push Light Cerise towards me. "On behalf of your unicorn followers, we present you this offering, this most beautiful of youthful blossoms, to be your devoted and faithful servant. Do with her as you please, so that she may be a reminder of what your unicorn subjects can offer you."
Poor little Light Cerise gave a soft squeak, her ears folding back in obvious trepidation. She trembled, not daring to look up at me.
Rarity was right. The unicorns have not wasted any time in approaching me, bearing gifts and offerings no less. I would facepalm, but that would ruin the little script I had written up in my head. Now enter, stage right, the Evil Dark Overlord.
"This fails to appease me," I rumbled, straightening to my full height and looking as imposing as a man wearing nothing but a giant turnip over his nethers can.
To my credit, it was the biggest mother-fluting turnip ever.
"Your Overlordship, do you mean to say she's not attractive at all?" Gold Slipper gasped, ears flopping back.
"No, she's not attractive," I said. The poor little mare quivered but kept her face planted in the floor at my feet. "She is beyond attractive. She is beautiful. Attracting me or anyone else has nothing to do with it." I rounded on Gold Slipper, causing her to stumble backwards onto her rump. "What fails to appease your Evil Dark Overlord, oh 'most loyal advocate', is this half-hearted offering of something that wasn't even yours to give me in the first place," I growled. I sensed the now familiar prickle of magic on my the back of my head. It was Dinky, casting light from her horn, no doubt throwing a dark menacing shadow over my face as I bore down on the hapless unicorn.
"Y-Your O-Overlordship, I-I don't understand, I...." Gold Slipper squeaked, scrabbling backwards frantically. "Wh-what would appease you then?"
"Before you came to my Empire you were a thrall of Ass-A-Lot. You owned nothing, not even your own lives. Now you own yourselves, your freedom, and your free will. That is all you have to offer your Overlord: Everything you are or whatever you make of it." I leaned down towards the cowering little pony. If she could only retreat into the floor she probably would have. "So, what was that about giving me an offering, Gold Slipper?" I asked, politely.
"A-a thousand apologies, y-your Overlordship! I beg you forget I said anything!" she squeaked, still managing some glibness amidst her stammering.
"Very well. But I shall not forget your intention to please me with an offering. I shall look forward to it," I said, pleasantly. "You are excused." I am nothing if not merciful.
"Y-yes! T-thank you, your Overlordship! Thank you!" she squeaked before beating a retreat so hasty you'd think Maud herself was after her. Her fellow unicorns, seemingly unsure of what to do, defaulted to herd instincts and gave me one last bow before bolting after Gold Slipper.
Wait, that reminded me, oh heavens, where is Maud?! Am I even safe here, outside my room?!
"My Lord?" a voice brought my mind back from wherever it had gone cowering in some dark corner in my head. I turned to find Light Cerise peering up at me cautiously from where she still lay flat against the floor.
"Don't do that. Those floors haven't been swept in one thousand years," I chided, waving for her to rise. She warily but obediently complied. “Did you want to ask me something?”
"Did you mean that?" she quavered, looking up at me with her big bright blue eyes. "When you said I'm beautiful?" She suddenly blushed furiously, turning from strawberry pink to burning rocket fuel. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so forward, my lord!" She gasped, ears quickly folding back as she took a half-step in retreat.
"I am the Emperor. My word is law." I gave her a wink. She looked up at me in wide-eyed surprise, ears twitching to attention once more, blush deepening two shades. "What's your name?" I asked. I couldn't help it, something about her piqued my interest.
"I'm sorry, My Lord. I don't have a name." She bit her lip. From the twitch in her neck and withers, I could tell she wanted to hang her head in shame. Yet she gazed up at me resolutely. Then I noticed it. She had a horn, once. What's left was barely hidden by her dark magenta mane. "I am called 'slave' by my masters. It is a kindness." She followed my gaze up to where I allowed it to linger on the stub that was once her horn. "I'm sorry, I don't have a horn either. It is ugly and unsightly." She quickly brushed her long thick mane with a forehoof, burying the stump of her horn beneath it.
"Was it him?" I seethed. "Did he do this to you?" I demanded, anger rising. My frown quickly turned apologetic, however, on seeing the poor mare flinch in response.
"I was accused of stealing some haybread. This was my punishment." She finally hung her head, the shame too much to bear. "But I was allowed to live. I was a homeless orphan, but I have been fed and sheltered ever since. He has been merciful." It sounded like rote recitation, her voice as hollow as her eyes. Like Twilight, she had the darkened patch of fur around her neck marking where she once wore her heavy yoke. Unlike Twilight, however, her entire coat bore more scars where the fur never healed fully. The only part of her free of scars was her cursed mark, an eight-sided purple and white star trailing glimmering light. She followed my gaze down to her mark. "Do you...regret marrying me now that you know?" she suddenly asked, peering up at me meekly.
This behaviour struck me as strangely familiar, until I realized she was emulating Sunset Shimmer. I was starting to see a pattern. It would appear the local beliefs regarding the institution of marriage was up to date...for the middle ages. Probably enforced by Ass-Total's power-fetish. I have no qualms with such strong ideals of matrimony as long as it respects the individual freedoms of those involved.
"Nobody would ever regret marrying such a sweet girl," I said, solemnly, treating the matter with all the respect it deserves. "But marriage is a matter of choice and should always be an infinitely happy one. You will one day marry a...what to they call dude ponies again? Well, a whatever of your choosing, one who will make you happy," I said firmly.
"But...." she suddenly turned into a tomato struggling for self-expression as she drew a circle on the floor with a forehoof, "...you've made me happier than anypony ever has," her voice trailed off into a soft whisper.
What kind of life must one have lived for one to feel so happy over a single compliment?
"...and, um, we've had...you know..." she squeaked, turning so red she seemed about ready to explode.
Oh, I guess there was that too.
Wait, if that alone amounts to marriage around here, how many mares have I just 'married'?!
Around one ‘kilomare’. Or is it one ‘kilomarriage’?
Ugh, maybe I should take up Lyra's suggestion and develop my faith. First commandment: 'Sex does not equal marriage. But it helps'.
I sighed, kneeling down and bringing myself to her level, causing her to give a soft gasp in surprise. "You don't know what real happiness is yet. But you will. One step at a time, you will learn what it is to be truly happy. And if it so happens it's a certain somebody who gives you that happiness, then with all due macaroons nab him. Or her, if that's how you swing," I said firmly. "Though it'll kind of help if he or she had something to call you."
"Th-then..." she whispered, her voice suddenly raspy, almost a soft whine. "P-please, tell me, wh-what would you call me, my lord?" She gazed up at me, teary eyes brimming with anticipation.
A name, huh? The name 'Squiggle-Tail' occurred to me before it was quickly quashed. It was a surprisingly big responsibility, naming someone. But all the same, she needed a name. Not to sound conceited, but a name given by the Emperor himself is sure to go that much further for the poor mare. It will be special, I decided. She will have a name worthy of a unicorn.
That said, what do I know of unicorn names? 'Twilight Sparkle', 'Sunset Shimmer', 'Trixie Lulamoon', I listed a few unicorn names off the top of my head. Well, they all seem to be some variation of 'something heavenly' + 'something sparkly'. And they all tie into their cursed marks for some reason...something I should look into a little more later. But taking all that and this little pony's own butt mark…. hmm, yes.
"Your name will be...." I began. Her watery blue eyes slowly widened in anticipation, her tail almost wagging in excitement. "...Starlight Glimmer.'
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Excel-Sorroritas Equalis, The Holy Book of the Divine Equilibrium OverMaidens of The OverEvilness
The Book of Equilibrium, Glimmer 12:22: With but His benevolent gaze alone, He made us all one in the joy and ecstasy of our unity. For the first time we were truly united and equal, made possible only by communion with His Great OverEvilness. It was rapturous and blissful beyond compare. That day we learned of true happiness in unity, and we learned that it was possible through Him.
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Ecclesiarch Prioris, The Holy Book of the Divine Chantry OverMaidens of The OverEvilness
The Great And Powerful Book, Lulamoon 67:11: It was not like the Great And Powerful Overmaiden Lulamoon liked Him or anything.
Excerpt from the Lexicon Adepta Excel-Sorroritas Vigilans, The Holy Book of the Divine Vigil OverMaidens of The OverEvilness.
The Book of Fire, Fires 15:11: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
