• Published 28th Mar 2014
  • 1,530 Views, 50 Comments

Alone - Gleaming



After watching over the citizens of Ponyville at night, Luna reminisces about her time spent on the moon when she was banished.

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Reminisce

The moon shined in the luminescent night, where the citizens of Ponyville were peacefully sleeping and laid in their beds dreaming to their hearts' content. Princess Luna stood upon the balcony of the Canterlot Royal Castle, she bowed her head down to look down at the street lights shining around the center of the town.

''If only this night was actually peaceful, I'm still reminded of that night.'' Luna spoke to herself.

She walked back into the castle to think to herself alone, looking around in the castle halls with the stain - glass windows of the history of the castle. The Princess of the Night scowled with a frown, after passing the stained glass window of Twilight Sparkle and the Mane 6 defeating Discord. After passing the castle halls, she headed towards her room to close the doors behind her.

She walked to her private balcony on the top of her tower section of the castle, peering her eyes up at the moon that represents her element. ''I don't want to recall that faithful night.''

A thick layer of mist emerged from the Everfree Forest, covering Luna's sight from her tower. The clouds from the sky started to submerge into the mist, creating a fluffy cloud of hot air and misty conditions all around. The vision of Nightmare Moon started to flash before her eyes, having to remember the night that she was banished by her own sister, Celestia.


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''I know how you feel, being in the shadow of your older sister. Spending ever waking moment, standing idly by while her subjects gaze in the glory of her precious light,'' Nightmare Moon proclaimed in anger. ''There can only be one princess in Equestria, and that princess will be me!'' Nightmare Moon stomped her hooves ferociously on the balcony of the old castle that resides in the Everfree Forest, looking across at her sister.

''My sister, you must lower the moon!'' Celestia's eyes started to form a wave of tears. ''It is your duty!''

''I am no longer Luna, I am Nightmare Moon!'' Nightmare Moon glided up to the ceiling of the castle, crashing through the hard, granite ceiling. She had no intentions, but to get rid of her sister permanently.

The solar princess took a slight pause. ''My sister, I'm sorry to do this,'' Her horn started to glow the usual white aura, as a solid, white spherical rock rose from the floor of the castle along with the Elements of Harmony. ''But, to use the Elements of Harmony!''

Celestia's horn shot out a powerful blast of magic, as the Elements of Harmony hovered away from the rock and circled around her in a gravitational pull with a 180 degree spin. When she had no time to lose and the tough choice ahead of her came to mind, the only choice left was to banish her own sister to the moon and keep her citizens safe.

Celestia flew out of the huge hole in the ceiling, following the trail of destruction and terror that Nightmare Moon left behind. The screams were heard all around in the air from ear to ear, while the citizens were scrambling for cover in their homes with the sad news of one of Canterlot's royals planning to plunge Equestria into an eternal night. The white mare followed Nightmare Moon's path up to the night sky, as the stars lit up in a very bright fashion.

Nightmare Moon and Princess Celestia hovered across from each other, aiming their horns getting ready to kill the other. The Elements of Harmony spun around once again, protecting Celestia with a protective shield and shooting out a powerful, bright burst of magic that transcended into a huge beam. Nightmare Moon did the same as well, but with her dark and powerful magic to keep Celestia at bay. Her horn shot out the dark magic with an indigo aura along with it, as the two forms of magic conflicted with each other in a standoff.

Nightmare Moon tried to tread on and defeat her younger sister, but Celestia's beam was too much for her. The beam's bright light flashed in front of her eyes, in which it engulfed her and shot her up into the sky. ''Noooooooo!''

The beam was so powerful, that it sent Nightmare Moon flying to the moon with great ease. She was trapped inside of the moon where her cutie mark was engraved on the crescent shaped moon. Celestia descended down back to the ground, her breathing started to become very brittle. ''I'm sorry, Luna, my sister.'' she said, closing her eyes while she laid down.


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The mist vanished from the air and the night sky became clear again. Luna came back to her senses as she opened her eyes, the harsh memory of her banishment was finally over. She walked back into her private chamber of the tower, laying her head down to conserve her energy. Beads of sweat started to run down her neck nervously, she closed her eyes to drift peacefully to sleep.

My sister... Luna thought, as Celestia heard her statement from the tower next door.


[/hr]

''I should probably go check on my sister.'' Luna left her private chamber and headed to the inside of the castle.

Princess Celestia was waiting in her room near the warm fireplace, with Philomena by her side. Philomena laid down with Celestia with her body curved in the crescent shape of a moon. Heat from the fireplace kept the two of them warm and safe, from the cold wind that was blowing through the open window.

A knock was heard from the door. Knock, knock!

''Who is it?''

''Seriously, sister, we have been living in this castle for a thousand years.''

''You may enter.''

Luna opened the door with her hoof, analyzing the room with her eyes and looking at her older sister along with her pet phoenix. ''Greetings, my sister.''

''Hello, Luna,'' Celestia laid a bright candle with a small flame emerging from the candle, while Philomena flew to her wooden perch in the room. ''Is there something troubling you?'' Celestia asked.

''Actually, I had the memory of the night that you banished me to the moon where I was a prisoner. All alone without being allowed to return for a thousand years.'' Luna proclaimed.

''Hmm, I see...'' Celestia answered back with a concerned look on her face. ''You can sleep with me tonight, if you have that nightmare again.''

''I would like that, sister.'' Luna replied with a subtle grin.

Luna laid down next to her sister on the rug, feeling a little more comfortable with her. As the moon shined in the sky with the stars flickering on and off, the warmth of the fireplace and the bond between the two sisters made it all worth while.

Luna wiped a tear away from her eyes. I love you so much, big sis.

Author's Note:

I hope that had the right amount of feels, so that you guys got the daily dose of Luna. Now that I got that out of the way, enjoy your day and happy reading!

My plans for another story could come to mind sooner or later. I'll catch you guys later!

Comments ( 50 )

Everything and more of what I expected in a story from you. Great job!.

4149363 Thank you so much! :twilightsmile:

Great story. Only one thing. You seemed to mix Luna's and Celestia's ages. What I mean is, in many parts, you portray Luna as being the older sister. While in actuality, Celestia is the older one. Here is an example: "Luna opened the door with her hoof, analyzing the room with her eyes and looking at her YOUNGER sister". There are other such cases. The only exception where you got it right was this one: "Luna wiped a tear away from her eyes. I love you so much, BIG SIS.". Just to let you know, as you may want to correct this.

Maexam out.

4149627 I'll be sure to edit it right now. Oh, and thank you! :)

Aww that was cute and sad. :fluttershysad: The feels were pretty good, although like that one guy said is that the whole age difference is a bit wrong. Other than that this story is perfect! :twilightsmile:

4154115 Don't worry, I fixed the age difference problem! I'm glad that you loved the story, I always aim to please. :twilightsmile:

4149650 You're welcome. And it's no problem at all.

this is kinda like mine. :trollestia:

4507932 What are the odds?! :rainbowlaugh:

Greetings,

I have read and reviewd your work, so here are some of my play by play comments, and then overall review;

''My sister, you must lower the moon!'' Celestia's eyes started to form a wave of tears. ''It is your duty!''

''I am no longer Luna, I am Nightmare Moon!'' Nightmare Moon glided up to the ceiling of the castle, crashing through the hard, granite ceiling. She had no intentions, but to get rid of her sister permanently.

((you started with great description, however, this part feels rushed. To be picky, horses/ponies don’t actually have tear-ducts, so they can’t shed tears. Don’t think that really matters. Anyways, you could slow it down a little, by describing the torment going on in each of their hearts, how Luna must feel, battling Nightmare Moon, (there IS a small inner battle, no?) and how Celestia must feel, seeing her beloved sister go to the dark side…much despair, I would imagine! Describe that, and it will help slow down the pace a bit.
Also, what does Luna look like compared to N’Moon? Is her gaze darker? Flashing shadows in her mane or eyes? A evil glint? Readers live for this sorta detail…at least, I do, and if you really wanna play the two egos of Luna well, these descriptions are a must.))

Celestia's horn shot out a powerful blast of magic, as the Elements of Harmony…

((What does this look like, the powerful blast? Can you describe it, like a glowing aura, or a slimey green wave of ickyness? See how lack of description leaves the reader open to what you might not want them to invision?))

The screams were heard all around in the air from ear to ear, while the citizens were scrambling for cover in their homes with the sad news of one of Canterlot's royals planning to plunge Equestria into an eternal night.

((Well, that was fast. How was the news spread so quickly?? Again, rushed. If you want to portray this properly, delve into the citizens’ panic and chaos, describe the terror, and how that terror spread, so that eventually, not long after, they all knew. See where I’m going with this?))

Nightmare Moon tried to tread on and defeat her younger sister, but Celestia's beam was too much for her. The beam's bright light flashed in front of her eyes, in which it engulfed her and shot her up into the sky. ''Noooooooo!''

((Again, fast and abrupt. Add the struggle; was her pelt damp from sweat from the effort? Were her muscles burning? Head spinning from maintaining the magic? Gritting her teeth? DETAILS!!!))

Luna left her private chamber and headed to the inside of the castle….

((what does the castle look like? What are the halls to Celestia’s tower like? Is she alone as she walks, or does she pass guards?))

''Who is it?''
''Seriously, sister, we have been living in this castle for a thousand years.''
''You may enter.''

((This is funny, I like this humor. It adds a good comic relief to the downcast mood you have set – which, by the way – you are keeping a great job at maintain the mood. It takes good writing to stay true to the mood you are trying to set. Well done!))

Luna opened the door with her hoof, analyzing the room with her eyes and looking at her older sister along with her pet phoenix. ''Greetings, my sister.''

((Annnd…time to describe what they look like in her eyes!!))

''Actually, I had the memory of the night that you banished me to the moon where I was a prisoner. All alone without being allowed to return for a thousand years.'' Luna proclaimed.

((Proclaimed?? I think she would feel sheepish about it, sad, uncomfortable? If not, make sure to describe how she feels, so it is appropriete to say ‘proclaim.’ Maybe it is just me, but proclaim seems to strong of a word for this.))

Luna laid down next to her sister on the rug, feeling a little more comfortable with her. As the moon shined in the sky with the stars flickering on and off, the warmth of the fireplace and the bond between the two sisters made it all worth while.
Luna wiped a tear away from her eyes. I love you so much, big sis.

((Beautiful ending. :) ))


OVERALL REVIEW;
Rating; 2/5 stars.

Overall, add more DESCRIPTION!! This piece has so much untapped potential. Your strength is definitely setting and maintaining a mood, but it is hard for the reader to keep up as you rush it. Readers need to be brought along slowly, so you can intensify or slowly change the mood you are writing.
For instance;

THE BATTLE
Soooo much more description could have been used! Readers live for this kinda stuff, and battle scenes have so much potential to be epic, but with lack of description, sensory details and emotions, it goes by way to fast, with lack of…epic-ness. You feel me?

AFTER MEMORY/CELESTIA’S ROOM
When she entered C’Tia’s room, she seemed like “Hoity toity, everything is fine, wanna snuggle?” when, if you had used description as she walked to the room, you could have toyed with her emotions, and the readers. What was she thinking of the memory? Did she manage to shake of fher feelings by the time she reached the room, which is why she was able to ‘proclaim’? Or was she feeling shaky, sad, and wanted comfort?
If she wanted comfort, the ending few sentences fit in much better.

That is all I have so far, I am glad that I was able to read it, because it was good, with lots of potential! If you have any questions, concerns, smart alec remarks, feel free to PM me, and make sure to send me more review requests!

While you are at it, you may return the favor and respond with a rating to my review? 

Well done,

Untill the next time we meet in the wonderful written world,

~Inspector Me

4585325 Thank you for your honest review man, really appreciate it! I should be more descriptive in my stories and actually convey emotion, similar to acting. Thanks again, I will be sure to improve! :pinkiehappy: 5/5 for your review.

4585403 Check out my SIsters Forever when you can, please? :pinkiehappy:

4585406 I did already. :pinkiehappy:

4585408 Comment? Like? :)

4585414 Liked, but did not comment yet.

4585450 Well, I will comment.

Huh, I know a guy that wrote a slightly similar story with the same title...

4671759 1Shot as well, written like, December 2013 or something, can't even remember his name...

4671760 Maybe the inspiration came from that story.

4671764 Well, both stories are pretty great. :twilightblush:

4671778 Aye', have you ever woundered why no ponies ever wear sunglasses indoors?

4671782 Not really, maybe they don't mind the glare of the sun.

4671792 Celestia, please.

4671797 Celestia, wat'ru u doin? Celestiah, stahp.

4671801 I'll make sure that she does. :raritywink:

4671811 Communist ponies.
Speaking of which, did you read The Aryan Next Door?

4671822 Love that, Sir Hat is awesome.
But he scares me slightly, one day he just randomly up and followed me, i'm still not sure how to feel about that xD

4671827 Better to accept it. xD

4671829 I think i'll go with honoured, but on guard.

4671837 poking intensifies.

4671853 Intensify the intensifies the pokingly intensify.

4671855 The poking is so painful!

4671856 A thousand nordic stars poke!

4671862 Thanks a lot, Loki. :facehoof:

4671870 I'm Swedish, i'm allowed to!
Ten Thousand Fingers Glare Poke!

4671888 The Poke To Rule Them All!

4585473 is just me, or if I put Chaotic's profile pic on the right, and Arya's on left, it looks like they're weary of each other, staring each other down.

4703963 Maybe it does. :rainbowhuh:

4777288 Of course I will! :pinkiehappy:

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