• Published 25th Apr 2014
  • 686 Views, 26 Comments

A Collection of Writing Experiments - matcha cheesecake



A collection of short fics and other writing tidbits. May contain anything, from "character and idea exploration" to "pony haiku"

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Empty Space: Rewrite

Summary:
To Fluttershy, it always came back in that black room.

*

“Why do you feel guilty?”

She stared into me, her irises quivering as if searching for my answer. I chewed on my lower lip and decided to study the painting behind her. It was a common home-among-the-clouds piece-- a typical attempt to induce some semblance of comfort in a place where ponies talk about the uncomfortable. It wasn’t working. I looked down, at my forehooves pawing at the floor.

“I hurt other ponies.”

“Besides that one time with your best friends?”

I swallowed and nodded, causing my long forelock to fall over my face. It was nice to have some kind of barrier from her gaze. Memories from long ago, both good and bad, clashed and whirled around my head. It was like a tempest or a flash flood, and the damp heat in my eyes told me of its overflow.

“I’m always... I don’t remember much of my foalhood, but even back then... I vaguely remember telling somepony off and then crying about it afterwards because I felt so horrible for hurting that pony’s feelings.”

A minute passed, then two. Nothing. I lifted my head, just enough to see her jotting down some notes. She watched me intently, the fascinating specimen I was. I watched her watching me watch her. Those shining eyes seemed to bore into my very soul.

“What are you thinking about right now?”

Nothing.

Everything.

“In my mind, I have this, um, place. It used to be a forest, then, um, a desert. Right now, it’s just a room. A black room.”

“Tell me about this black room.” She scribbled a bit more on her notepad. “What’s it like? What happens there?”

Just like that, I found myself inside the black room.

“Empty,” my voice resounded in the void.

“Empty,” another voice echoed behind me. I shot to the air and sharply faced the intruder. She had my long pink mane on her head, my yellow coat on her body, and my butterflies on her flank. But the way her face contorted to sneer at my sudden flight told me who she was.

“New Fluttershy.”

It was barely a whisper, but the words reverberated throughout the room, growing louder with each iteration. New Fluttershy. New Fluttershy. New Fluttershy. I dropped to the ground and curled up in the farthest corner I could find, my hooves over my ears. I even closed my eyes for good measure, but nothing blocked out the sound. It just continued to increase volume, hammering me until I could no longer distinguish the words from the noise.

“Stop,” I whimpered. “Please, make it stop.”

Something seemed to suck away every sound, and the silence that followed left my ears ringing.

“No!”

The ground disappeared from under me. It took me a moment to realize I was being lifted up. Somepony had my face in her hooves. She shook my head violently until my eyes flew open. It was the other Fluttershy. Her features twisted into a smile as cold as the Crystal Tundra, and I felt I was thrown there with nothing but my pelt against the harsh weather.

“I hate you.”

“You can’t erase me.”

One Fluttershy let go, and one Fluttershy fell. But which was the real Fluttershy, and which one the fake?

“I can never forgive anypony who hurts my friends!” I cried out to my tormentor. But nopony was there, and I continued to fall. My wings had firmly locked themselves to my sides. No matter how many times I pleaded, they wouldn’t let me fly. I could only shut my eyes and brace myself for impact.

“Fluttershy, that’s enough.”

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my therapist’s office, my hooves on firm ground. She was smiling gently, a box of tissues at hoof. I took one, dabbed my cheeks, then blew my nose.

“Same time next week?”

Comments ( 5 )

4289431 4382270 4395045
Many thanks for the helpful comments. I greatly appreciate them. :heart:

So, I, um, sorta rewrote the Fluttershy piece into first-person. If it's all right, would you kindly tell me what do you think of this version?

Also, I revised this line in the original:

Fluttershy let go, and Fluttershy fell. But which one was the real Fluttershy, and which one the fake?

into

One Fluttershy let go, and one Fluttershy fell. But which was the real Fluttershy, and which one the fake?

since I never intended it to read as a switch into 3rd-person, but I guess it came across that way.

*

4382270
As for this one, I agree with 4195273. This should be it's own story and expanded on!

I'm currently toying with the idea of exploring Fluttershy's foalhood, which in turn means exploring her many anxieties. I hope to answer questions like: Why is she terrified of so many things, and yet she can be strong and brave when she needs to? How did she become a doormat? Etc.

It will probably be a long time before I start working on it though. :unsuresweetie:

4382304
it seems you simply wanted to try and write Pinkie Pie's perspective

Yes, exactly. This piece was more of me trying my hoof at a Pinkie Pie stream-of-consciousness POV than me telling a story. It may or may not be a part of a longer, actual proper story later on...

4382304
you don't give us ... a relevent hight off the ground. Just that it's a bathroom window.

Her bedroom window, actually. Which is either on the second floor or attic area (?) of Sugarcube Corner.

4395080
I was extremely unsettled by Pinkie's thought processes, and actually got chills. For a piece that's about 300 words or so long, that's an impressive feat. Well done.

Wow. I... Just wow. Thank you so much for telling me this. I never imagined I could write something that could have that kind of effect in my readers.

Thank you kindly for your comments, The_Weatherbug, JumpingShinyFrogs. :yay: They make me think a lot about writing, and that always makes me happy.

4414483 4414481
Thank ya kindly. I'm glad you enjoyed them. And to be honest, darling, I suck at poetry too. I can only do haiku because I'm good at counting syllables. :twilightsheepish:

4382332
OMG I love that song so much!! And thanks to that, I can cross off one of the goals in my list. Specifically:

> make someone cry with story feels (and hear about it)

4395136
I agree with most of the points you brought up. Going in, I knew how unoriginal it would be, and I do admit this piece is not so good.

You're very good at grammar, you know that?

My heart swells whenever I read this and all the other times you said I'm good at grammar. :fluttercry: No, I didn't know and it makes me so happy now that I do. Thank you so much.

Still with the impeccable grammar.

This time around, the story is much better. My previous points about the story still stand, but the writing is a lot better this time around. The first-person allows me to get into Fluttershy's mind and study her thought processes, which is clearly what this fic is meant to do.

As fr that line, it flows a lot better now. Good rewrite.

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