Summary:
Twilight Sparkle watches the sunset.
*
I took my time trudging up the hill where my friends and I met for our weekly play dates. I liked the feeling of grass crunching underhoof. I also didn’t want to dislodge the picnic basket on my back. I smiled a little whenever it shook with each step and the scent of freshly baked apple pie would waft to my nose. It may not be as scrumptious as Applejack’s, but it was good enough.
Halfway there, I paused to catch my breath. I’d been so out of shape lately. Rainbow Dash would surely berate me for that, but it wasn’t my fault, not really. If there was anything to blame, it was all the cupcakes, muffins, and other treats that permeated my diet ever since I learned how to bake without causing explosions. Pinkie Pie would probably gush about how proud she was of me when I tell her about it, while Rarity would shake her head and lecture us about maintaining our figures.
An otherworldly screech echoed from somewhere far away. Looking around, I saw a huge purple dragon emerge from the mountains. I briefly wondered where Fluttershy would hide when she heard or saw that big old thing. I wouldn’t really know, so I just shrugged then continued my way.
The sun was nearing the horizon when I reached the top of the hill.
Nopony else was there. It was past our usual time.
I settled down a few lengths away from an apple tree that proudly stood at the peak. My position gave me an awesome view of the setting sun as I munched on my apple pie. I watched the dragon I had seen earlier stretch his wings and fly into the orange sky.
It was way past our usual time.
I looked behind me. Underneath the apple tree were five gravestones.
“Hi, girls,” I said, sniffling a little. “I miss you.”
You're very good at grammar, you know that?
Now, overall, this was kind of 'meh' for me. We'll start with the plot. And herein lies the biggest problem. It's bland and unoriginal. It's not bad, per se, but it has been done to death, and is so predictable that right from the first line I knew where it was going. 'Twilight is immortal and will outlive her friends' fics are too numerous to count, and frankly I'm sick of seeing them.
As for the writing, the first-person perspective actually crippled this short. Twilight's thought aren't very well presented. It'd be better off in third-person. Unlike 'Freedom' where I knew exactly what Pinkie was thinking, and where the thought processes got off track and therefore felt realistic, like they do in real life, this story is more like Twilight just exclaiming various things. Half the lines about her friends have no reason to be there, and neither does Spike's appearance, especially when Twilight calls him 'that big old thing'. It almost seems like she's grown to dislike him, or doesn't recognise him.
Not the best of these shorts, to be honest. Out of all of them, I think 'Freedom' was the best.
I'll review any future ones you write, if you'd like me to.
Awww... This one was too bittersweet.