Lotka-Volterra
I met a god today.
He was not a kindly god. He was not a caring god.
He was capricious, cruel, and whimsical, just the way gods are supposed to be.
Although I knew all that even beforehand, of course, which makes my astonishment over the fact that he was reformed by Fluttershy, of all ponies, even greater.
Well, I don't actually know her that well—what with her being a nebbish wallflower and all—but still,the fact that he was reformed at all is surprising enough.
Although she doesn't use the execrable insult that is my given name, like everypony else does, no matter how many times I correct them, so that's a big point in her favor.
In any case, it had already been a couple of weeks that I was planning on visiting her home—not for anything so insipid as a social visit, of course; ever since I'd heard of how the great Discord had been brought down by the power of 'Friendship', I'd thought to myself: what advantages being his 'friend' could entail me?
Yes, being friends with the entity that defeated Celestia was an... appealing idea.
I could get knowledge, influence, power, I could even become a god myself!
Which is, naturally, why my morning ended up in manure.
I had gone to Fluttershy's cottage armed with a good deal of patience, and I'd made sure to avoid spooking the twitchy mare, exchanging pleasantries, such as "Oh, is this your rabbit? Why, he looks positively radiant!" I said, to a grumpy ball of fur and bad attitude. "And I can see that you've trained your ducks extremely well, they're so disciplined!" and so on and so forth.
I may be a bit out of practice, but I can still make a mare blush when I want to.
Gods, but how I hate animals.
Anyway, I'd started breaching the topic with her with "You know, I've actually come because, well, I've heard about what happened with Discord a while back, and well, considering how he's a nice guy and all, well, I was thinking of getting to know him better, you know, perhaps in a week or two, an-" when her whole face lit up.
"Mr. Rich! Oh my goodness, would you believe you're the first person to say that? This is great news! I've got to introduce you immediately!"
And then, smiling so hard I could hear her jaw creak, she hugged me.
Me.
The pony who'd just said he wanted to be in the company of the most dangerous thing on this continent.
Sometimes I just don't get ponies.
She led me inside, babbling all the way (where was the shy, reticent mare I'd initially met? Who knows) and I soon discovered a slight flaw in my plan.
Discord himself, of course. He was standing on the head of a pin in the living room, cheerfully eating a Fabergé chicken, when his eyes caught sight of me.
"Why, Stuttercry, you've brought guests! Well, A guest. What a wondrous day! Are we going to have an awkward conversation over who the teakettle spat on, like the last time, or is he going to try and seduce you?"
Fluttershy turned bright red, meeped, and then said something almost inaudible: "Um no he just wants to meet you".
What happened afterward is not something I am proud of.
It is one thing to plan, to see an opportunity, and to tell yourself that it is the best thing you could possibly do, and that it's surely worth the risk.
It's quite another to actually do it.
Of course it wasn't my fault—I'd been practically raised on stories about The Great Serpent, the Adversary, the bringer of chaos, and the snuffer of reason.
But still. I'm supposed to be better than a regular pony. And the way I acted... still angers me.
I put on my biggest, fakest, most transparent smile, stuck out my hoof without even thinking of what my body language was saying, and said, my voice cracking like the precious china just before my divorce:
"HI! DO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND!"
And then I stood there, my leg in the air, sweating ice cubes.
I can at least take pride in the fact that I flabbergasted the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony himself, at least for a couple of seconds.
Oh, and Fluttershy was quite surprised, as well.
And then Discord smiled, and I knew I was screwed.
"What did you say our dear guest's name was, Fluttershy?" he said disrespectfully to the owner of the cottage.
Said owner, meanwhile, was looking at me like I'd grown a second head, never mind the fact that Discord had actually just done so and was using both of them to examine me.
"Um, his name is Filthy-actually, he prefers to go by his last name, so that's Mr. Rich, and, you see, he's my neighbor, I actually bought the house from him" I still remember that transaction, I'd made a profit of nearly 300 %. "And he said he wants to know you better, but..."
She looked at me quizzically, perhaps not fully believing I'd managed to make such a complete mule out of myself in such a short span of time.
Discord, meanwhile, was coiling himself around me, and I thought I could hear the part of him that was lion purring.
"Oh, don't be so harsh on him, I'm sure that he's just, you know, shy... and there just so many perfectly valid reasons why he'd want to be my friend!"
"It could be because I'm dashing" he said, with a pith helmet on his head.
"It could be because I'm handsome" he said, sporting a manecut I'd last seen on Prince Blueblood.
"It could be because I'm funny" he said, in full funeral attire, while the birds outside started singing a dirge.
His sense of bathos seemed strong, at least.
"But in any case, I'm sure it's for a completely good and admirable reason, since all of you goody-four-shoes ponies think that friendship trumps everything. Why, no self-respecting pony could ever even think of sullying the ideals on which his nation is founded, all for completely selfish and heinous reasons."
"So, what is it, buster? Why do you want to be my friend?"
I turned tail and ran.
… …. .- -- .
On the way back to my supermarket, my brain tried to tell me that the whole thing would never have worked anyway, oh, and that those grapes were probably incredibly sour, too.
So you could tell I was already in a pretty bad mood.
When I got in, I saw the entire liquor aisle pooling in a mixture of broken glass and broken promises on the floor, with my newest hire standing right over.
She was a gray pegasus mare, whom I'd hired on a provisional basis because she was willing to work for less per hour than any of the other applicants—something about really, really needing the job, I think.
She was also cross-eyed, which meant she had no depth perception.
Which, in turn, meant that this was the third stack of merchandise she'd knocked over in the two days since she'd started working in my store.
Which, also in turn, meant that all the profit I was making by paying her so little was forfeit and void, and that by keeping her in my employ I was actually incurring in a net loss.
And then, when she heard me enter, she looked up, made a tremulous smile, and said: "Heh heh... I just don't know what went wrong?"
I am not proud of what I did afterward.
I wish I'd started yelling at her, berating her at the top of my lungs, hitting and hurting her, like the monster I already know I am.
Instead, I did something far worse.
I smiled.
"Good morning, Derpy Hooves. It looks like you've just destroyed... half the wine section, at a first glance—my goodness, the expensive stuff, too!-all of the hard liquor, and most of the cider department."
"But I'm obviously mistaken. After all, last time something like this happened, you swore that you'd be more careful in the future, that you would ask for somepony's assistance when handling delicate things. And that that was the absolute last time something like this would happen. And I trusted you. I thought to myself: there's absolutely no way that such a sweet, kindly mare would repay my generosity by lying to me, right?"
By this point, Derpy was looking miserable, which made me happy.
"You know, my good ole friend Silver Tongue actually advised me not to hire you? He said that you were a stupid, shortsighted, and dim kind of pony."
This wasn't, strictly speaking, true, but I had faith he'd corroborate my version of events.
"No! I'm not stupid!" said the imbecile, in a shrill tone of voice.
"Oh yeah? Then, exactly, why didn't you think before moving so close to a shelf full of expensive, fragile stock? Why didn't you move more slowly, like everypony has told you to, so you could avoid precisely this kind of thing?"
And then she did something that really sent me over the edge.
"No, you don't get to cry, you useless sack of filth!!"
I screamed, towering over her.
"Do you realize that because of what you did, you've effectively robbed me?! That now, everypony else will have to work overtime to clean up your mess?! Do you understand how horrible you've just been to the one guy who gave you a second chance?! Do you understand that?!"
She turned tail and ran.
I could feel the eyes of my other employees on me while I was panting.
"I wasn't kidding. Thanks to what she did, we'll have to work overtime, except now it's going to take even longer because apparently Princess Derpy is too good to help others fix what she has broken."
Saying that “we” all had to do overtime was a small stroke of genius on my part; this way, my subordinates would all unite on my side, without focusing on their attention on me. I could already hear them grumbling about how yeah, the new girl was a pain to work with, and so on.
Painting her getting overwhelmed because she was weak as actually being snobbery instead of being ashamed of herself was a nice touch, too.
I went and manned an empty register.
… …. .- -- .
Two hours and a depressing sandwich later, my store was back in pristine conditions and fully stocked again, and it was time to pick up my daughter from school.
This... this made me sad.
Even before the divorce she was a problem child, but now...
She'd cry a tantrum over the smallest of things, and she wouldn't relent no matter how many times I said “no”.
And... over the times, I'd started to hate her.
This terrified me.
This made me feel bad.
This was why I got to the school ten minutes late.
Waiting for me, besides my daughter, was the schoolteacher.
Oh gods, what had she done now?
"Filthy? I'd like a moment of your time to discuss Diamond Tiara's behavior with you."
I sighed, and shot a dirty look at the fruit of my loins.
She didn't even change expression.
"Very well, lead the way to your office. Oh, and I'd appreciate being addressed as “Rich”, thank you."
Her office was actually a sparse teacher's lounge, but it served its function as we discussed while Diamond waited outside.
"Filthy, this is the third time this week that I've caught her bullying my other students! If this doesn't change soon, I'm going to be forced to expel her!"
I exhaled a shuddering breath.
"... well, from the way you presented it it was just some name calli-"
"Applebloom was in TEARS, Filthy!"
So that's one thing she gets from her old man, apparently.
"It's Rich. And... honestly, Cherrilee, what do you want me to do? Since Suri walked out on us, she keeps blaming me for everything, and punishing her only makes things worse. And when Suri does come and visit her, she gives her these absurd, elaborate presents, which only make things even more worse, and then"
I stopped myself.
Cherrilee was looking at me with pity in her eyes.
I felt myself blushing.
"Filthy... I'm sorry, but I have to think of all my students, not just one in particular. If you want, I can refer you to a family counselor, but..."
I mumbled something under my breath-
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"that I'd appreciate that. Could you give me a business card?"
She did so, and I shamefully accepted it, trying to swallow the realization that I was such a horrible parent I needed outside help in raising my own kid.
As soon as I got out, I smacked the brat upside the head, making her tiara fly.
We spent the rest of the trip home in silence, neither of us making eye contact.
… …. .- -- .
After sending her to her room with promises of a spanking in due time, I decided to visit Sweet Apple Acres.
These were run by the Apple family, of whom I was a longstanding friend and who were business associates of my company.
It would be hard for me to overstate how important their relationship to me was.
So of course that stupid twat who called herself my daughter had to go and bully the youngest member of their family.
The fact that she probably did that specifically because they were important to me wasn't lost on me.
I met Applejack near the outskirts of the farm, while she was busy fixing a fence.
"Erm... Hello, Applejack!"
I straightened my tie, while she paid me no mind.
"I presume you've heard about the... incident between Diamond and Applebloom, and I would like to say that I am here with the express intention of presenting my sincerest apologies for her execrable, brutish, and appalling behavior, and that furthermore I"
What she did next made me very happy.
She bucked me full on in the chest without warning.
"Stop using yer fancy words, Filthy. We both know yer powerful sorry 'bout what happened, but there ain't much ya could do about it, and speakin' like you ate a dictionary ain't gonna help."
I started laughing while she helped me up.
"Oh, jezz... I really needed that, didn't I?" I said, wiping a tear of mirth.
"Ah dunno, you were soundin' like a lawyer back there, and considering we've known each other fer more than twenty years..." a ghost of a smile settled on her features.
"I was laying it on thick yeah, wasn't I? But... I am sorry, and I wish I had more than just apologies to bring you."
She settled back down, hammering nails into a post.
"It's yer family and yer business, Filthy, and it's not my place to tell you what to do."
"Rich", I corrected out of habit.
The silence started to stretch uncomfortably between us.
"How do you do it, Applejack?"
"Beg yer pardon?"
"When your parents died, Applebloom was just four years old. Ever since then, you've been the one raising her." My business partner swallowed nervously. Oops.
"And... she's growing into a fine young filly. While my own is a... something that makes me ashamed to think about. How do you do it?"
The silence stretched again, but this time it had the feel of a rubber chicken, instead of a hangman's noose.
"It's... talking, ah suppose."
"I beg your pardon?"
Applejack moved around to face me, the fence temporarily forgotten.
"Me an' Bloom... Ah always made time fer her, ah suppose, but it's also how you spend that time, that counts."
I leaned forward.
"Ah... ah've always made sure she could talk with me about anything" she swallowed again "And ah'm not saying that... sometimes it was hard, but it's also... you know how you ask her what happened today, and she says 'nothing' and that's it?"
"Unfortunately, yeah."
"When that happens, ah make sure to ask her again, and this time ah tell her to tell me even if she thinks it don't interest me. Or, when she came back after school today" she shot me a look as dirty as her pigs "Ah asked her why it bothered her what Diamond said, and ah didn't start the conversation by telling her what to do or how to do it."
She scratched her chin in contemplation.
"Come to think of it, ah did the same thing when she was little, when ah explained to her that Ma and Pa died" her breath hitched "and ah did mah best to explain it in a way she could understand, instead of takin' the easy way out and feeding her some hogwash 'bout how they were just on a vacation or somesuch, the way most everypony else wanted me to."
I looked at Sweet Apple Acres again. The way the leaves were colored, in shades of red and brown and yellow was breathtaking.
I took a deep breath.
"Thank you, Applejack. That was... surp—very helpful. I owe you one, and I'll keep what you said in mind. Do you... if you want, I could pay a bit more for the next shipment of Zap Apple jam, it's more than"
She laughed, gently mocking me. For once, I didn't really mind.
"Stop being silly and go back home, Fil. It's probably fer the best."
Huh. Fil. Guess I could get used to that.
"You're right, thanks again, Applejack."
The sound of a hammer on nails accompanied my thoughts back home.
…. --- .--. .
When I did get home, a timid pegasus was waiting for me.
I swallowed.
"Hum, hello Mr. Rich! I'm sorry today was so awful, but I've talked with Discord, and he promised—I think—that he's going to be more considerate and not so, well, very scary like a dragon, and if you could give him another chance I'd be grateful!"
She looked at me with a paper thin smile and hope in her eyes.
I was floored. The day had just started to come around, too. Then something she said caught my mind.
"Wait, scared? How did you guess I was scared?" I said, slightly incensed.
"You did run away in the middle of a conversation."
Oh. Right.
"But it's also..." she tapped her front hooves together. "I could see you were forcing it."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Most ponies... even my friends... they're terrified of Discord. But... they don't run away from him. They get angry, they get suspicious, they want him to go far way... and they're actually right to do so, most of the times, sometimes! They are good ponies!"
"But you... you froze, like a scared deer. And you said you wanted to be his friend... you wanted to be there, with him."
"And I thought... of when I went singing around with the Pony Tones, and the fact I wanted to be there, but I was also afraid of ponies looking at me, and..."
I put a hoof on her shoulder.
"You're right. Let's go to your house, I'll explain more there, with Discord. And... thank you. Again."
She beamed at me.
-.-. …. .- -. --. -
Discord was just as terrifying as I remembered.
"So, dearest Shutterfly tells me I should apologize to you, that I wasn't being “neighborly”, and that running away while I'm talking to you is completely normal."
Fluttershy blushed.
"Buuut... you still haven't told me why, exactly, you want to be my “friend”."
Discord leaned over, showing plenty of teeth.
"Self interest, mostly."
Fluttershy's jaw dropped, and Discord blinked.
"What, did you really think I liked you that much? When you were released, with a snap of your fingers you made everypony miserable. Even now, the first pony you think about is yourself, and you see everything in terms of that."
Discord frowned, but all my limbs were still in place and I was still in my own skin, so I kept talking.
"Most ponies don't really get that, since it's kind of alien to their way of thinking. But I... I think in the exact same way you do."
"I don't really... like, other ponies. Or at least I don't think I do. I see most social interaction as being a way to lie to each other without admitting it to ourselves."
"Wherever I go, people call me by my given name, they call me Filthy, because they're envious and they hate me."
Discord raised a brow.
"And Tartarus, if I could get the chance to become a draconequus myself, and have the world at my fingertips, all for the price of getting to know you better, helping you when you're down, and being your buddy? I'd be a fool not to try."
Discord opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again.
"I... can't do that. It's embarrassing, but... I can't make ponies into draconequi. It's not in my power. Sorry."
Fluttershy, and several other small woodland creatures, gasped.
And then Filthy Rich threw back his head and laughed.
"Heh heh heh" he wiped a tear of mirth out of his eye with a finger "I suppose I should've expected that. It's... funny, isn't it?"
Discord smiled wryly.
"Yeah, just like my old tricks when I got loose."
Filthy looked outside the window, at the sun shining bright and scared.
"But you know what? My offer still stands. Do you wanna be my friend anyway, even if you can't give me anything I value?"
This time it was Discord's turn to have his jaw drop.
"But... but..."
"C'mon, we can go bowling! I'm friends with the owner—he owes me money, actually, which kinda makes him my friend, right? So we can't even be kicked out!"
Discord looked at Fluttershy hesitantly. She, in the meantime, was white as a sheet and just as helpful.
"Hum... yeah, yeah, I'd like that. You sure you don't feel any different?"
Filthy looked himself over, hovering slightly to get a better view.
"No, not really. Why?"
"Just wondering. So, Tuesday night for bowling is okay?"
Filthy nodded.
"Yeah, that sounds right. See ya soon!"
And then he was gone in a flash.
..-. ..- -.
Filthy Rich hummed to himself ,wondering why so many ponies were screaming and running away for no reason.
It was probably tax season.
In any case, he soon got to the house he wanted, and ringed the bell smoothly.
A scared pegasus mare peeked out the door.
"Oh! Um, Mr Rich? W—why are you here?" she then stopped, quizzically "and did you get a haircut?"
"Good evening to you too, Miss Hooves. And no, I didn't change my coiffure at all today" Filthy patted the top of his head perplexedly, smoothing the hair between his horns.
"I... just had the opportunity to think over my actions this morning, and I understand that it may have looked as if I was firing you. I wanted to assure that I did not, and that I am indeed expecting you to turn in, tomorrow morning."
At this, Derpy's face brightened up immediately, and she moved to hug Filthy while thanking him excessively.
He stopped her with an outstretched palm.
"This, however, doesn't mean you're off the hook. I'm not gonna give you a pay cut for running off while I was reprimanding you, but you still destroyed a good deal of merchandise, with, yes, your clumsiness, and I do expect you to pay for it."
Her good cheer instantly evaporated like methanol in the sun.
"But... I..."
"You won't have to pay me immediately, we can work a payment plan later. And I'm feeling generous today, so I can tell you I won't charge interest. But still."
Filthy adjusted his long, sinuous frame on the mailbox, so he could more easily rest on it.
"Not everypony is made equal. There are limits each of us have, and the first step to overcoming them is finding out that they are there. And since we don't know about them, by definition, we have to ask others to point them out for us."
Derpy bit her lip.
"Um... I'm not sure I understand..."
Filthy sighed. "if you know that a lot of stuff breaks around you, ask others why, and if there's a way to prevent it, like moving more slowly and learning to suppress your reflexes. If you know your daughter is a bully, ask your friends for advice, and try to read between the lines of what her teacher's saying."
"Oh! Ok, um, thank you." Derpy looked at her boss awkwardly "Would you like to stay for dinner? We're having cupcakes!"
"I'm afraid I shouldn't waste any more time. There's something I've been putting off for far too long, and I should go do it."
"Ok. Goodbye then, and good luck!"
Derpy waved at him, while he started trudging back home.
- … . . -. -..
"Diamond Tiara? We need to talk."
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For the love of God, capitalize your title.
As for the concept, it sounds pretty interesting. Haven't seen many 'Deal With The Devil' stories on this site.
4067647
Done. Is there a specific reason every word in a title has to be capitalized? Because it seems a bit strange to me :-/
4067659
English rules, really. Important phrases such as titles for documents have most of their words capitalized.
Very good. I actually completely missed the twist at the end the first time I read it.
However, this might be because I was distracted by your sudden change of person. You start the story in "I" and end in "he". If this was intentional as part of the change, you need to better telegraph it, because the fact that so many fanfic writers do make shifting person mistakes means it's very, very easy to assume this was a mistake. There's nothing in the story to make clear why you would have shifted person; Filthy started telling the story about himself, and regardless of whether he is quite still himself by the end or not, I don't quite see why he would suddenly shift to talking about himself as if he were a completely different pony, nor do I see why the narrator would have changed. So if it was intentional your reasoning is too subtle and if it was accidental you should fix it.
4067684
Thanks for pointing it out, then! :-)
Name of Story: A Stochastic System
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros (list three pros)
It's a good depiction of Filthy Rich, it's rare to see a story about him!
You did most of the characters you included justice.
The pacing was very well set.
Cons (list three cons):
Spacing was way weird. You pushed enter way too many times, so it's all a big jumble of half-lines.
A few punctuation, grammar, and cap. errors.
I feel you were trying a bit TOO hard with making Discord. He's chaos, not randomness.
Notes Section: I would recommend merging some of the lines together,so it looks like a better. Also, either proofread it yourself, or have someone do it for you as I noticed a few punctuation and grammar errors.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: I would prefer 'Wake of Destruction' but any of mine would be fine!
4067685
It was intentional and too subtle :-/
The idea was that by the end, Filthy realizes that most of his problems come from the fact that his worldview is centered around himself, and that he doesn't realize huge things that happen in his life because of this-hence the perspective switch.
I don't really know how better I could telegraph it, though. Maybe by having his epiphany explicitly spelled out? :-/
4067709
Wait, you switched POVs to implicitly describe a perspective change in a character?
By God, that's dangerous. And honestly pretty damn interesting. Good idea there!
4067705
Thanks! I'll review Wake of Destruction as soon as I can :-)
4067727
mymememaker.com/media/created/pouwya.jpg
4067684
but actually sometimes
there's a good reason why you might not want to use capitalization
for example the poet ee cummings
he generally didn't use punctuation either, but i think that's going too far
i've deliberately used lowercase letters as titles on occasion because of the feeling it conveys
i don't know how to explain it
it feels like putting your writing in a minor key
that being said, it's important to know and fully understand the rule before you can get away with breaking it
so if the author didn't really intend to convey something with the all-lowercase title, then changing it is correct
but if i had a story with an all-lowercase title it would be deliberate
it's like the difference between prose and poetry
See, there's a big difference between the feeling you get from reading what I wrote above, and the feeling you get from what I'm writing now, even though the only difference between the two is that I'm employing correct punctuation and formatting for prose style rather than poetic style. I personally think it's a terrible idea to write a story in poetic style if it's longer than about 500 words or so, but I've done entire (short) stories in poetic style, and occasionally done them in all lowercase, because it shifts the tone in a way it's hard to do otherwise.
JUST LIKE ALL CAPS CONVEYS SOMETHING, USUALLY THAT THE WRITER ISN'T ANY GOOD IF THEY MAKE IT GO ON ANY LONGER THAN this, all lowercase can generate a specific feeling. aLso sOmEtiMes yoU MigHt wAnt rAnDom cAps, but sweet baby Jesus that's both hard to write and annoying as hell to read. One of my stories on this site was purportedly a document written by Discord. When Spike got hold of said document in the sequel, his third-person focus narration tells us that iT is WriTteN liKe tHis, and I thought about rewriting the story that way to convey the chaotic nature of it (and the incredible difficulty Spike has in actually reading the document), but I decided, hell no, I am neither that masochistic to do that to myself, nor that sadistic to do it to my readers.
This was amazing.... and so unique.
I loved every minute of it
Alright, so nitpicks out of the way first.
A 'such as,' after pleasantries, period after attitude and capitalize “and I can see”.
Capitalize.
Even when ending a sentence with it getting cut off, always have some form of punctuation, in this case a dash. Also, the 'when her whole face lit up' feels awkward. I can understand where it's coming from, with the 'breaching the topic with her:' but to make it work I'd replace the colon with the worth 'with'.
Similar rule. Always end with punctuation when going into quotations, in this case a colon would work best, or a period, and then capital.
from him”. Period after %, capitalize and.
All these can easily be put into one quotation.
Too many dashes in name-calling and refer back to ending with a dash. Also, start a new paragraph with a new speaker.
In this case, period after her and capitalize My.
Think.
Freezed actually isn't a word, it's froze.
Oh! Oh...
4067659 Not every word. Things like the, to, etc remain normal.
Now for the story itself. This is a very unique concept, and could certainly go to the X Becomes a Draconequus group. I like how Filthy (I'm sorry, Rich
) doesn't even notice the changes. Also the change from 1st to 3rd person was, I feel, really well done, and it certainly made things more ominous by the end. Every character is portrayed well, the little reference to Suri makes a lot of sense with Diamond.
And that cliffhanger!
For your first story this is very, very good. Certainly better than the first I ever made way back on fanfic, however your prose (Grammar, punctuation, etc) could use cleaning up even if they aren't atrocious.
4067786
Thanks for the extremely involved comment! :-)
I'm actually...extremely embarrassed by those errors
Would it look bad if I went and edited them out? As in, is it normal etiquette on the site, or is it frowned upon to change your story once you've published it?
I'm actually surprised I was able to write the characters well; I didn't think it would be a strength in the story.
And yeah, that cliffhanger is a stinker, especially since this is a one shot :-P
I don't think I'll do a follow up, but you never now :-D
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You're right, that whole first part felt very...low key, oddly enough. It does change how it's perceived
4067865 As far as I know it's not frowned upon; you acknowledge your mistakes and fix them.
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good to know
Neat story! Thought I had a good guess on what was happening throughout the story, but the ending caught me by surprise.
Good work!
With a father like that... one need not wonder the WHY of how Diamond Tiara became "Diamond Tiara".
Even going so far as acknowledging her in disdainful shame before smacking her upside her head.
I wonder how often he's disciplined her through physical means? He even has the gall to actually genuinely hate his own daughter despite himself being something questionably the source of her inspiration.
Silver Tongue, and the fact Fil was so confident that Silver Tongue would back up his claim of such things he told Derpy.
AJ, despite being so simple in her ways she always hits others with that solid dose of honesty others would try and white-wash or ignore. Shame Filthy didn't meet up with her sooner and have these hearts to heart.
The Ending. That is a nice contrast to the Alicorn ascension. He didn't flinch or act as though anything had remotely changed, nothing was different. For him it was as if looking in the mirror to see the same reflection of himself as he would every morning. The same, uncaring, deceitful, manipulative monster he seems to see himself as. Only now, all ponies can see it too. Kinda sad to see Diamond lose her father too. Though, no idea what will happen afterwords. One thing is certain, his presence won't be ignored. And he doesn't have that balance Discord has where everything is treated as a game. I wonder if he'd take AJ's parenting advice. That would be the most awkward of conversations at this point.
Poor fool blind to his own faults and can't see the effects he has on his own daughter.
You know, it's pretty weird we haven't had a Filthy Rich tag implemented in ALL these years considering all the other ponies who don't even have recurring roles or gotten as much screen time and character as he has, and he has character.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/015/0/2/fr2_by_telaros-d729ypp.png
You should see if Knighty would implement that for you since quite honestly this Diamond Tiara with Other tag is ridiculous considering the number of Filthy Rich stories buried under obscurity.
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/015/0/2/fr2_by_telaros-d729ypp.png <- link to the png
Wow! That was a very interesting story, for sure. Lots of things happened that I didn't expect, but what more could I ask from a story with Discord in it? I think there might be a tiny plothole, though. I reread the story and I still don't see what made Filthy turn around. He started becoming nicer when he took the card from Cheerilee, then he had a nice conversation with Applejack. Did the events with Discord and Fluttershy do this?
Nice little story, anyway. Now for some critique.
Missing a comma.
I would reword this to make it flow a bit better. You could probably combine "that is given my name" with "like everypony else" with a bit of tweaking.
You also seem to be using two different tenses here.
Missing a comma between "Friendship" and "I'd"
Missing an "a".
Also: Suri as Diamond's mom was a nice touch!
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I know, right? It's very bizarre. And I'm not going to bother Knighty with this, considering there already are a couple of groups dedicated to Filthy Rich and I'd imagine they'd have asked about this already.
Then again, considering Cloud Kicker has a character tag and she's never actually been mentioned by name in the show...
And congratulations! You managed to "get" the ending completely, and it warms my heart to see it received the way I intended it to be received :-P :-)
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Thanks for the comment, it's awesome! :-)
And you're right, I didn't explain how and why Filthy changed in the story well enough, creating a plot hole.
I don't understand how I didn't catch it, and why nobody else who read the story noticed it/mentioned it either.
Anyway, the reason he changed is actually thanks to several factors; to start with, having to admit to someone else that his parenting is bad, by accepting Cherrilee's card.
A lot of pride and ego is involved in any parent's thinking they are good parents, whether they actually are or not.
Having to let go of that made him question a lot more things-as in, if I was wrong about this, what else could I be wrong about?
The talk with Applejack mainly built on this, solidifying it and showing some actual errors he'd done-if Applejack hadn't shown him something that she (who in Filthy's mind is a Good Parent) did and that he didn't, he could've returned to his previous convictions, that Diamond is just a rotten child and the rest is his ex-wife's fault.
What finally happened with Discord was...well, Discord being a dick, mainly. But in story terms, the cause of his problems, which is a huge lack of self-reflection, goes from being internal to external, symbolizing the fact he'll always have to be on guard against it.
I think :-P Considering I believe in the concept of Death of the Author, so everything I just said has no relation to the story :-D
4077495 Ah, now I see! Awesome story you've got here, devas!
Interesting. Different.
Of course Suri is Diamond Tiara's mother.
4077324 Well, he also once said if you provide the adequate pixel dimension png of a character to use for the tag, he could add it.
I'm sorry, but this really limits people's creativity and makes it IMPOSSIBLE to locate all the stories for characters people WANT and DO write about. I provided the tag, I have a slightly more closeup version of that one if he'd like.
But as long as authors are content to have their stories buried in obscurities forever, then I'd advise approaching Knighty and Poultron about adding the poor bastard his much deserved tag so all those unknown stories out there can have a chance to update their tags to be as searchable as Cheese Sandwich, Cloud Kicker (which manely only has one because of the Winningverse), Sparkler, Noteworthy (who writes stories with this pony? O.o), and the donkeys like Matilda and Cranky.
Tag is there. Bottom row could use some filling out anyways.
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Noteworthy has a tag? WTF?!
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First thing I thought of as soon as the episode ended. Coloration fits, attitude too, hence... :-P
And having divorced parents also explains part of Diamond's general brattiness (and I say this as a child of divorced parents).
This is well-written and has a nice premise that most people probably aren't looking for. That's why I like this story. I wish more original ideas came out of the blue in the 'Recently Approved' section. There are a few punctuation mistakes though.
I am disappointed that there's no more coming, while it came to a crescendo it feels like so much could be seen still.
Fascinating. Especially once I read the comments. The problem with techniques like intentional perspective shifts in fan fiction is that it can be hard to tell them from unintentional errors. Plus, an opening line like "I met a god today," makes one expect a resolution to the implied flashback, and it wasn't really clear when that came.
In any case, thank you for this, devas. Using Suri Polomare was a stroke of genius, and the event itself is something I've very rarely seen explored here.
I'm not clear how he became a draconequss
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Discord lies. The change itself happens during the switch from first to third person.
Bizarre, but intriguing throughout. These aren't two characters I thought I would see in a story together. Also, there are character tags for secondary ponies like Filthy Rich now.