A new pony moves to ponyville to start fresh and begin a new life.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 25th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 5th, 2016
The Metallic Dash
want to make pony stories
The Metallic Dash
Joined 25th Feb, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Whiskey Drops · 25k words · 13 2 · 645 views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
689 users online
1,031,639 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hey if someone seesnthis please give me some feedback
ok, I'm just gonna say some stuff.
First off, the introduction is....well there isn't one. You start off with the OC talking to Derpy from nothing. Who is he? Where are we? Why is he talking to Derpy? These questions need to be anwserd before conversations can be made really.
The letter U needs to be a capital, at least you capitalize your I's, nearly every new writer doesn't do that.
The story is going WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to fast, slow it down. Describe the scenery, make us be able to hear the characters thoughts and ideas. It feels like i'm on Fanfiction a little
Also, a house for 100 bits? Ya dreaming in any headcannon.
There might be some more stuff or not but its 3 am where I am and I wanna go to sleep, work on your story a bit and I might come back looking for more. I know its still new and young so it has potential.
O: Ponyville population over 9,000- Me gosh everypony run!!!
Okqy maybe a little less feedback bbut thank you
4072808 ill try to work on that
4072808 also how mqny bits should the house be
I dont know the bit currency all that well either
And readers I will be posting a chapter two soon so be on the look out
Looks like there's a lot of feedback.
4073390 yeah I know but should we make those changes
4073521 It all depends on what you want. It's your story, after all.
4072808 hey ill make some changees and try to slow down the stpry alriht.
4073534 heu lets make a few chamges
4073546 Alright, meet you on the g-docs?
4073547 ALEADY THERE
4073556 Oh!
Okay.
4073547 ok
Is this a major reference to Welcome to Ponyville?!
I see how the story is going. Hasn't developed enough to say I like the plot, or I dislike it so keep working.
Another thing is, the story has two problems so far.
One, the story is missing proper, brief introduction. The story starts off with direct dialogue, and goes from there. What you should do is provide detail of how your protagonist got there, what they are planning, where they are, how they got there, what they are feeling, and things like that.
Two, same thing, but throughout the story. Like my first story *That I deleted* it is built mainly off of dialogue, no description.
In conclusion, add description, and introduce the plot in the next chapter.
Other than that, good story, keep it up.
4073606 Thank you Mousie i will fix up chapter one and repost it
4073606 Welcome to Ponyville? whats that, is it anouther story on this site.
4073677 No, it's a visual novel game by Filly Games, only Act I has been released D:
4074591 oh i know that game. no its not a referance. and im putting chapter one edited on now
4072808 hey put an intro in f you want to look. As for the slowing down the story
Just a few typographical errors, but good story edit!
To enhance your knowledge of music, Vinyl's cutie mark is a Barred Sixteenth note. A double note would be more like two whole notes. Just sayin :P
4077978 it was musics idea
4077967 thank music too he did half the work
4078025 Oh yuss okie
4077967 also thanx you
4077978
Beamed eighth note*
A beamed sixteenth note would have two beams connecting the notes.
Yeeees your silly questions make Applejack laugh..you live for now! - he was wearing a black robe with a hood over his face- :3
4079807 thank you scratch
4079807 Fack you, birds.
4082660 whoa........ what
4082864
4082867 so whatd ya think of chapter 2
4082882 Good. No mistakes I can see, grammar and story-telling that is. Typos, I haven't seen but I am doing a lot, so I just skimmed over most of it, instead of reading word for word. I'll tell you this, the best critique would be you. If you ever read other stories or books, focus on the narration style, and reread your own story. It will show you were you were right, and wrong. Some things I may not be able to explain, they aren't mistakes, just common things first-writers do in their stories. The story is still better than my first one though xD
As for the storyline, keep up the good work!
Hmmmm i think i would like some more chapters, it is not bad. It remember me of welcome to ponyville a demo game or something like that.
4295193 I am trying to lot of trouble right now with my family and its really annoying so I guess that like I'm trying really hard and musics been really busy so I can't work on with that I'm so tired so if you give me like anouther week or two I promise to begin posting chapter maybe a bit faster
4082904 thanls for the advice mousiee
4297547 Of course take your time, only if you feel a little better, you could make a good chapter i think. And yeah like i said, i hope your problems could e solved soon.
Somehow i want him to impress one of the main six, but i hope Derpy is the main Target of our Hero here.
Well I think i would love Octavia too, Vinyl is an awesome character but i think she is a bit to energetic for a basic romance, but maybe she could be sweet too
4297953 lemme check with my co- author.. .. anyway his name is Music Within Us go check him out
mini muffins on top of muffins
I want to try that. nice
4321011 thank you very much
Good Chapter, right now i think you don´t need the Human part but i don´t know what you have planed yet.
4433775 That was Ian's idea ill figure something out
The beginning is good. A few typographical errors appear in the story and the transition between scenes doesn't have a break but it is an otherwise brilliant start.
4661948 first time story btw
did you put ian hawke in here? from alvin and the chipmunks?
