HI! Ummm...I don't know what to put here, really... :P Creator of the OC Nova Surge: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003298957373
An accident happens when Rainbow Dash tries to do something different to her famous 'Sonic Rainboom'. She sustains a somewhat serious injury, that heals relatively quickly, but that does not stop her from getting to be with the one pony she loves. Not only does Rainbow find love, but so does all of her close friends.
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Interesting.. Ill keep an eye on this one.
But .. there had already been an Tactical Rainboom! She is not able to break any of her bones ..
16166 Well, I wrote this before 'Lesson Zero' so I didn't know about that...
But...thanks for reading! And hay, she did that willingly, not a total accident, and it was just her wing, not whole body.
Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I'm some amazing writer, because I'm not. I'm a student with too much free time on his hands, and a mildly unhealthy obsession with pastel ponies. But, I like to think that, even if I can't necessarily right well, I can somewhat recognize good writing. So, as a fellow new-writer, I'd like to offer you some advice.
What I've noticed about your writing style is that you do a whole lot of telling, and not a whole lot of showing. Sure, you make it quite clear what's going on, it's obvious who's speaking a certain line, and very little is left uncertain. But, to be honest, your story feels dry, and emotionless. I know what's happening, but I can't really bring myself to feel it. Luckily, this has a simple fix, albeit one that will take some effort to do right: Show us what's happening.
Don't just tell us that Dash broke her wing, talk about the bent and twisted feathers dropping from the limb as it haphazardly bends at an unnatural angle. Don't just say that she can fly again, mention the wind blowing through her mane, the sweat coating her body as she flexes underused muscles. Don't just say that Applejack and Rainbow are kissing, talk... you know, I can't really write romance myself, so never mind there.
Bottom line, I think that you've got some potential. But, there's more to writing than just telling a story; you have to make your reader FEEL the story as well. Of course, I'm currently running on fumes from lack of sleep, suffering from writer's block, and have a habit of constantly second-guessing myself, so I'm probably not the best person to get advice from. Anyway, decent story so far, hope you can make it better. Good luck.
17496
Ah...Yeah, I could do that.
But the thing is...I have never been very good at very detailed stuff...
I also have WAY to much time on my hands, since I just moved and I still haven't got enrolled in school.
I have only missed a little over 1 week of school so far...
Next chapter, I will do that, along with my other story(ch1 WIP)
Anyways, thanks for the feedback, it is much appreciated.
I agree that there should be more detail. When I am having trouble thinking up details I close my eyes and let my mind put together a picture and describe that. And if it turns out cheesy at least you have something to build off of. My last suggestion is to redo the conversation with Luna, something like while I am glad you enjoying my night you should get some sleep. I think it sounds like she's sucking up to her sister right now.
I hope this helps
The one problem I have with it is that you frequently go back and forth between past tense and present tense.
17709
Really?
Umm...alright... Imma...try no to do that?
great story so far, kinda confusing some times, like the sudden appearances of the princesses, but oh well ^_^
3rd mare couple? I know Lyra/ bonbon and Appledash. Who is the other pair?
19885
I't another fan-couple, but no spoilers!
P.S. Working on CH3 now(sorta)
If I work hard enough, should be ready by Sunday, maybe earlier(tho I prefer to post on Sunday, idk why)
20221
Ummm...Thanks?
1st paragraph of the 2nd entry, tense irregularities (use of past/present in a sentence wrong).. I've probably just listened too much in English class
This story is. Adorable though. Keep up the work, I'm def' following it.
20533
Uhh, thanks!
It doesn't help that I haven't been in school in over two weeks because of the big move, but what the hay, i don't care.
liking the story so far but im sorry to say im not finding twilights or raritys romance hooking me in(also pinkies a little) but the others i like so far (it might be the idea of using oc ponies thats dragging those down other than that no real complaints plz keep up the good work
21244
Thanks!
Yeah, didn't put much into both(all three) of the pairs...But this is just the beginning!
The OC's were completely off the top of my head, so yeah...
I chose Caramel because I saw it before and it sounded like a good idea...
yay first
any ways this was pretty good turn around from how the story started nice job.
i am enjoying this story greatly :thefunhasbeendoubled:
"Winter is coming."
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21717
YES!
You, sir or ma'am, win an E-Cookie.
A million hours of music?
INSANE!
When will there be more just curious
31466
Once I get over writers block and have ACTUAL internet access, cuz I'm currently stealing interwebz...
lol ok that sounds like fun
cant wait for chapter 4! :D
It is really good I just remembered this story a few days ago and had to re-read it still love it can't wait for next chapter
comeeeeeeeeeeeeee onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn finish the story!!
A small tip for future reference, you switch between past, present and future tenses between sentences, so it feels forced. Try to stick with a single tense. I would suggest writing a paragraph in each of the three tenses to see which one come more naturally. Also, it would seem that you are alternating between 3rd person omniscient and 3rd person limited. That can make a story confusing vary fast; but this is a very good idea you have going here! Keep up the good work!
17496
You, sir, have given a vary good comment and saved my lazy butt from a lot of typing! Have a moustache.