- Member Since 26th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 27th, 2016
Frozen Echo
I'm a female who is in love with writing and drawing. I've always loved Mlp: Fim and have read TONS of fanfics. I decided, "Why not write my own?" So, here I am! :D
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Please know I worked hard on this and would love a critique! Thank-you! <3
Soarin raping Rainbow Dash? You had me until that happened. Sorry.
Well then
Why is it always a cliffhanger?
Well. An interesting start, but I will say:
That escalated quickly.
I'll be watching to see how you handle the rest of this, for sure.
Don't worry.
Not everything is what it seems....(evil laugh) but, yes, chapter 2 is on it's way!
Thank GOD that was a dream. Okay, I'll give this another shot. Please don't disappoint.
I feel bad for Soarin. He needs a special somepony. As for Rainbow and Fluttershy, it looks like Fluttershy is going to admit to feelings for Rainbow.
Great story! Does Flutters know that RD has a crush on her?
CURSE YOU CLIFFHANGERS! still I'm happy you resolved the whole deal with Soarin. Update soon please!
Omg. I LOVE rainbowshy or flutterdash........ITS TOO ADORABLE BUT THAT CLIFF HANGER THO OMG
@theparadoxpony
I'm debating still if she should or not.
Update: I added more ideas to the story(only slightly), so feel free to check it out. Chapter 5 is on it's way. I'm going to start making the chapters longer, so please be patient! I appreciate all of you so much. Thanks!
That was so sweet. I look forward to the big reveal.
I really don't want to put you off writing, but this could be so much better, if you practise more. Very telly, and your English is a bit off. Little things, like 'Cafe' being spelt with two F's, or using 'there' when you mean 'their', etc. I'd also direct you to this 'Show vs Tell' page, since you tell a lot. Things like calling Soarin's smile 'evil', y'know?
Spellcheck this, please. Learn to love your spellcheck, and proofread when you're done to make sure it hasn't missed anything, since no spellcheck is perfect. Even better, get a friend to help you proofread/edit your work, so it doesn't have loads of embarrassing errors. And add some rape trigger warnings to your description in case one of your readers was actually raped, for the love of Christ. Oh, and by the way, have you noticed that your terminology is really offensive to lesbians? They don't 'decide' to be gay. It's the sort of thing people use to justify a lot of discrimination against LGBT people, actually. 'Well, if you didn't choose to be gay/immoral/faggots...', etc. That's not how things work, and I'm not sure you're aware, but it sorta makes you look like a bigot. Just so you know
Still, probably better than most peoples' first stories, so there's that. I know my first one sucked hard, so I never put it online, and I know a lot of people who're very ashamed of their first story. No self insertion, or alicorn OCs, or random bronies popping into Equestria here, so while your spelling is suspect, you're probably ahead of the curve. Keep trying, and if you ever want a long and painfully honest (probably edging into scathing) review of this, drop me a line.
I love this story! Cant wait for the next chapter!
4013360
). Thank-you, and I would love to hear more critiques from you please! 
Actually, I'm perfectly okay with your critique. After all, I did ask for some myself!
I love seeing critiques and I will use this information in the future(typing on a kindle isn't the easiest thing with spell check and everything
4013360
Oh, almost forgot! About the lesbian thing, I'm actually Bi myself. I couldn't really think of a way to word it, but I'm really sorry if it offended you. Also, the rape thing I apologize about, too. Even if it was rated mature and had a sex warning, you are extremely correct. I will add the warning in there. Thanks once again!
4013673
? Respect. That must've been hellish, and I know they're not good for that sorta thing. And yeah, afaik sexuality is just a thing people have. Perhaps 'discovers'? I really don't know, but 'decides' made me wince, personally.
Damn, you typed it on a Kindle
But yes, since it's your first, I was afraid that if I was too abrasive (because I am, and it's difficult not to be) you'd run away from the site in tears, with possible writhing and gnashing of teeth, and never write another word. That's not what I mean, usually, unless the story is just that bad. Even then, my response is usually 'well, that didn't work. Here's why. Want to try again?'. The answer is usually no, or if not, 'comment deleted'. So you can see why I'm being a bit careful around the newbies these days.
I can do some proper critique, but at the same time your comment about working hard on this, and the sort of innocent niceness to your posts would make me feel guilty for tearing into the spelling and sentence structure.
4013818
As a newbie, it's always a thing I expected; critiques. It's nice for someone to push me the right way sometimes. I'm not very sensitive(unless you harass me or something) with these kinds of things. When it comes to critiques, I think about them and read over and over, not diminish them as dirt. 
So don't feel guilty, okay? 
Lol!
Yes, typing on a kindle is very... annoying.
But, I don't feel like you tore up my story or hurt me at all!
4013851 a kindle?!
i use a kindle too, and its DAMN HARD tp type.
i respect you on so many levels.
4013869
-bows-
Thank you! (Jk)
But seriously, thanks! Kindles are a pain!
But, I'm just happy to write and see what people think about my stories!
4013881 imim probably gonna read this later (i got writing to do!!) but i hope it goes well!
always read and review,
-NAME REMOVED FOR A (good?) REASON-
4013901
I'll need to start reading really slow. 
Hehe!
I hope you enjoy it if you decide to read my story. Being a fast reader is a bad minus for me because I usually don't catch my mistakes!
Haha!
Good luck to you, too!
4013912 i am a freaking speed demon when it comes to reading (harry potter series: six days.) but i review my chapters twice and always add/change something
so that helps a ton!
and i will read this, no joke.
4013851
Heh, ok. It's easier to tear into a story written by someone who's an utter jerk, you know? I've only looked at chapter 1 so far, but the untagged Soarin' rape incensed me enough I stopped to give you a piece of my mind.
Unfortunately though, it's like 5am over here, so I need to get to bed. I'll check back in once I get up and give you some better crit, ok?
4014230
Yes but please, I'd love to hear more critiques from you. 
I understand about the jerk part, too, but I'll never snap at you(unless you become rude, which you probably won't).
Hehe, okay! If you do decide to proceed with the story, I'm sure you'll be happy in chapter 2.
Ok, probably be easiest to do this chapter by chapter, since you're nice and I want to put the time in. You start with a decently dramatic opening, which is marred somewhat by the use of 'rainbow pony', which distances us from Dash and looks pretty awkward. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is a thing, and you need to be careful with it, because using 'the rainbow pony' in place of Rainbow Dash objectifies the character, and creates mental distance from the reader. They're less likely to identify with a character in a given sentence if the character is referred to in that way, because it turns them into an object. Sorta like referring to a person as 'the brunette human', or 'the black man', you know?
Why are 'mares' and 'colts' capitalised? You don't capitalise 'man' and 'woman', so why here? Also, a colt is a young male horse, not an adult. It's filly and colt for male and female foals. Mare and stallion for adults. Pegasus Cafe (one F, btw)? Not a very imaginative name for a cafe. Unless it's only for pegasi, in which case it would be 'a Pegasus cafe', or is it named specifically after the mount of Bellerophon? Also, it'd make more sense if Dash thought back over the cafe scene rather than 'trying to recall' it, because that either implies she's distraught to the point of being unable to remember it, or that she has serious memory problems. People ruminate on dramatic things that happened a minute ago, but unless the above is true, they generally don't strive to remember details from the mists of yesterminute.
Oh, and one more thing...
See that comma? That should be a period, because it's the end of a sentence. People use commas to end dialogue when the sentence technically hasn't ended yet, like so:
This is pretty much only used for speech tags, like 'said', since the sentence ends after 'Dash', a comma is used after 'Blah Blah'.
Oh, and Soarin's tendency to smile/laugh 'evilly' makes me giggle, because he's the hammiest rapist I ever did see. It's on the same level as naming your villain 'Badius' or 'Eviscerix O'Kittensquisher', and having them break out into rolling, 'muahaha' belly laughs every five minutes. Please, don't use 'evilly' as a description in a serious work.
Other than that, a lot of small things like the introduction of Fluttershy. How does 'Shy know about RD and Soarin' breaking up so soon? It's not explained, and that entire sentence is pretty awkward actually. Was she in the cafe at the time? It's kinda confusing, because the way the story opens it seems like five minutes pass between Dash leaving the restaurant and Soarin' showing up at the door. Perhaps Fluttershy has two bodies, or perhaps there's some serious temporal anomalies going on here. I don't know, but it's not very clear from the story here what's going on in that regard.
Anyway, onto the next.
4012175
4016262
Thanks!
I am pretty newbie with this writing.
Heh, but about the Fluttershy part, I was implying that when Rainbow and Soarin were together. I guess I should make it more clear.
CURSE YOU CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!!!!
What happened to rainbows parents? will we ever find out?
Anyway great job so far! But still! CLIFFHANGERS SUCK!
Wait school? Does this mean you are in college?
4019420
No my dear.
High School? No that... are you?
And what's with the "my dear" stuff?
4020672
Can't say with that one. I say 'dear' a lot for some reason. 
Yes, High school.
The dear stuff...
Huzzah!
Twas only a dream.
Aaaand done.
Very good. I WUV it, ease update soon!
Wow. I don't know what to think of the twists in this story.
I'm surprised that Fluttershy didn't give that stallion 'The Stare.'
4024374
New Chapter coming out today! Patience, my ponies(Jk).
Why did you put that in the synopsis?
4025679
(WARNING: If a person if offended by rape, please note it is in the first Chapter. If you are offended, I advise you not proceeded to read the story. Thank-you.
~
Frozen.)
That's where the sentence ended. The parenthesis began with (WARNING:
and ended with
Frozen.)
4025884 Oh.
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
Wait, what was happening?
I read this yesterday, (along with what feels like 300+K of words) and I can't remember...
Ah well!
Oh yeah...
I betcha soarin is going to see them and (try to) beat up fluytershy.
If that happens, I CALLED IT.
Short chapter. But are Rainbows parents still alive? And what about Soarin? Man I bucking hate cliffhangers! Though the ending to Mark of Athena, that was a lot worse!
Still you impress me! keep up the good work!
Also a derpy/doctor story, when's that supposed to happen?
4027384
I'm going to start it after the Heart is Where it is.