When Rainbow Dash discovers she's a lesbian, she's afraid to tell her friends; especially her crush, Fluttershy. Rainbow goes through a lot of trouble to keep her love a secret, only to find out Fluttershy has a secret of her own.
I really don't want to put you off writing, but this could be so much better, if you practise more. Very telly, and your English is a bit off. Little things, like 'Cafe' being spelt with two F's, or using 'there' when you mean 'their', etc. I'd also direct you to this 'Show vs Tell' page, since you tell a lot. Things like calling Soarin's smile 'evil', y'know?
Spellcheck this, please. Learn to love your spellcheck, and proofread when you're done to make sure it hasn't missed anything, since no spellcheck is perfect. Even better, get a friend to help you proofread/edit your work, so it doesn't have loads of embarrassing errors. And add some rape trigger warnings to your description in case one of your readers was actually raped, for the love of Christ. Oh, and by the way, have you noticed that your terminology is really offensive to lesbians? They don't 'decide' to be gay. It's the sort of thing people use to justify a lot of discrimination against LGBT people, actually. 'Well, if you didn't choose to be gay/immoral/faggots...', etc. That's not how things work, and I'm not sure you're aware, but it sorta makes you look like a bigot. Just so you know
Still, probably better than most peoples' first stories, so there's that. I know my first one sucked hard, so I never put it online, and I know a lot of people who're very ashamed of their first story. No self insertion, or alicorn OCs, or random bronies popping into Equestria here, so while your spelling is suspect, you're probably ahead of the curve. Keep trying, and if you ever want a long and painfully honest (probably edging into scathing) review of this, drop me a line.
Ok, probably be easiest to do this chapter by chapter, since you're nice and I want to put the time in. You start with a decently dramatic opening, which is marred somewhat by the use of 'rainbow pony', which distances us from Dash and looks pretty awkward. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is a thing, and you need to be careful with it, because using 'the rainbow pony' in place of Rainbow Dash objectifies the character, and creates mental distance from the reader. They're less likely to identify with a character in a given sentence if the character is referred to in that way, because it turns them into an object. Sorta like referring to a person as 'the brunette human', or 'the black man', you know?
Why are 'mares' and 'colts' capitalised? You don't capitalise 'man' and 'woman', so why here? Also, a colt is a young male horse, not an adult. It's filly and colt for male and female foals. Mare and stallion for adults. Pegasus Cafe (one F, btw)? Not a very imaginative name for a cafe. Unless it's only for pegasi, in which case it would be 'a Pegasus cafe', or is it named specifically after the mount of Bellerophon? Also, it'd make more sense if Dash thought back over the cafe scene rather than 'trying to recall' it, because that either implies she's distraught to the point of being unable to remember it, or that she has serious memory problems. People ruminate on dramatic things that happened a minute ago, but unless the above is true, they generally don't strive to remember details from the mists of yesterminute.
Oh, and one more thing...
"We have unfinished business, Rainbow Dash,"
See that comma? That should be a period, because it's the end of a sentence. People use commas to end dialogue when the sentence technically hasn't ended yet, like so:
"Blah blah," said Rainbow Dash.
This is pretty much only used for speech tags, like 'said', since the sentence ends after 'Dash', a comma is used after 'Blah Blah'.
Oh, and Soarin's tendency to smile/laugh 'evilly' makes me giggle, because he's the hammiest rapist I ever did see. It's on the same level as naming your villain 'Badius' or 'Eviscerix O'Kittensquisher', and having them break out into rolling, 'muahaha' belly laughs every five minutes. Please, don't use 'evilly' as a description in a serious work.
Other than that, a lot of small things like the introduction of Fluttershy. How does 'Shy know about RD and Soarin' breaking up so soon? It's not explained, and that entire sentence is pretty awkward actually. Was she in the cafe at the time? It's kinda confusing, because the way the story opens it seems like five minutes pass between Dash leaving the restaurant and Soarin' showing up at the door. Perhaps Fluttershy has two bodies, or perhaps there's some serious temporal anomalies going on here. I don't know, but it's not very clear from the story here what's going on in that regard.
4016262 Thanks! I am pretty newbie with this writing. Heh, but about the Fluttershy part, I was implying that when Rainbow and Soarin were together. I guess I should make it more clear.
God, even with the warning, I still hated the rape part. But it's me, and I like to do things I hate... It's complicated. I do like that the rape part was a dream, and I also liked that you put the 'WARNING: Chapter 1 includes rape of RD' thing.
well... that escalated quickly. Reading Project Horizons made me get this weird throw-up ie feeling in my gut every time I read about rape. I enjoy reading about cute little animals in grown up related situations but in my opinion rape is taking it a little far. still gunna read the rest of the story but damn. Oh and BTW RD is stronger than sorin in cannon
This is the second fic I've read (the first being Burning Desires) where I've wanted to reach in and kill one of the two lead Wonderbolts, this one having Soarin while the other had Spitfire. Rape is NOT COOL, especially if it's done like it is here just because he was angry for her breaking up with him and for being a lesbian.
Good fic= emotional Wahtiff, so there's what I thunk of your story.
Please know I worked hard on this and would love a critique! Thank-you! <3
Soarin raping Rainbow Dash? You had me until that happened. Sorry.
Well then
Why is it always a cliffhanger?
Well. An interesting start, but I will say:
That escalated quickly.
I'll be watching to see how you handle the rest of this, for sure.
Don't worry. Not everything is what it seems....(evil laugh) but, yes, chapter 2 is on it's way!
I really don't want to put you off writing, but this could be so much better, if you practise more. Very telly, and your English is a bit off. Little things, like 'Cafe' being spelt with two F's, or using 'there' when you mean 'their', etc. I'd also direct you to this 'Show vs Tell' page, since you tell a lot. Things like calling Soarin's smile 'evil', y'know?
Spellcheck this, please. Learn to love your spellcheck, and proofread when you're done to make sure it hasn't missed anything, since no spellcheck is perfect. Even better, get a friend to help you proofread/edit your work, so it doesn't have loads of embarrassing errors. And add some rape trigger warnings to your description in case one of your readers was actually raped, for the love of Christ. Oh, and by the way, have you noticed that your terminology is really offensive to lesbians? They don't 'decide' to be gay. It's the sort of thing people use to justify a lot of discrimination against LGBT people, actually. 'Well, if you didn't choose to be gay/immoral/faggots...', etc. That's not how things work, and I'm not sure you're aware, but it sorta makes you look like a bigot. Just so you know
Still, probably better than most peoples' first stories, so there's that. I know my first one sucked hard, so I never put it online, and I know a lot of people who're very ashamed of their first story. No self insertion, or alicorn OCs, or random bronies popping into Equestria here, so while your spelling is suspect, you're probably ahead of the curve. Keep trying, and if you ever want a long and painfully honest (probably edging into scathing) review of this, drop me a line.
Ok, probably be easiest to do this chapter by chapter, since you're nice and I want to put the time in. You start with a decently dramatic opening, which is marred somewhat by the use of 'rainbow pony', which distances us from Dash and looks pretty awkward. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is a thing, and you need to be careful with it, because using 'the rainbow pony' in place of Rainbow Dash objectifies the character, and creates mental distance from the reader. They're less likely to identify with a character in a given sentence if the character is referred to in that way, because it turns them into an object. Sorta like referring to a person as 'the brunette human', or 'the black man', you know?
Why are 'mares' and 'colts' capitalised? You don't capitalise 'man' and 'woman', so why here? Also, a colt is a young male horse, not an adult. It's filly and colt for male and female foals. Mare and stallion for adults. Pegasus Cafe (one F, btw)? Not a very imaginative name for a cafe. Unless it's only for pegasi, in which case it would be 'a Pegasus cafe', or is it named specifically after the mount of Bellerophon? Also, it'd make more sense if Dash thought back over the cafe scene rather than 'trying to recall' it, because that either implies she's distraught to the point of being unable to remember it, or that she has serious memory problems. People ruminate on dramatic things that happened a minute ago, but unless the above is true, they generally don't strive to remember details from the mists of yesterminute.
Oh, and one more thing...
See that comma? That should be a period, because it's the end of a sentence. People use commas to end dialogue when the sentence technically hasn't ended yet, like so:
This is pretty much only used for speech tags, like 'said', since the sentence ends after 'Dash', a comma is used after 'Blah Blah'.
Oh, and Soarin's tendency to smile/laugh 'evilly' makes me giggle, because he's the hammiest rapist I ever did see. It's on the same level as naming your villain 'Badius' or 'Eviscerix O'Kittensquisher', and having them break out into rolling, 'muahaha' belly laughs every five minutes. Please, don't use 'evilly' as a description in a serious work.
Other than that, a lot of small things like the introduction of Fluttershy. How does 'Shy know about RD and Soarin' breaking up so soon? It's not explained, and that entire sentence is pretty awkward actually. Was she in the cafe at the time? It's kinda confusing, because the way the story opens it seems like five minutes pass between Dash leaving the restaurant and Soarin' showing up at the door. Perhaps Fluttershy has two bodies, or perhaps there's some serious temporal anomalies going on here. I don't know, but it's not very clear from the story here what's going on in that regard.
Anyway, onto the next.
4016262
Thanks!
I am pretty newbie with this writing.
Heh, but about the Fluttershy part, I was implying that when Rainbow and Soarin were together. I guess I should make it more clear.
God, even with the warning, I still hated the rape part. But it's me, and I like to do things I hate... It's complicated. I do like that the rape part was a dream, and I also liked that you put the 'WARNING: Chapter 1 includes rape of RD' thing.
well... that escalated quickly. Reading Project Horizons made me get this weird throw-up ie feeling in my gut every time I read about rape. I enjoy reading about cute little animals in grown up related situations but in my opinion rape is taking it a little far. still gunna read the rest of the story but damn. Oh and BTW RD is stronger than sorin in cannon
This is the second fic I've read (the first being Burning Desires) where I've wanted to reach in and kill one of the two lead Wonderbolts, this one having Soarin while the other had Spitfire. Rape is NOT COOL, especially if it's done like it is here just because he was angry for her breaking up with him and for being a lesbian.
Good fic= emotional Wahtiff, so there's what I thunk of your story.
FLUTTERSHY U HAVE TO SAVE YOUR SOON TO BE MARE FRIEND NOW!