• Member Since 9th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen May 15th, 2015

Fluttershy 117


T
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A freak storm hits ponyville while Rainbow Dash is out practicing and she soon finds herself trapped and in desperate need for help. Will a certain yellow Pegasus be able to overcome her fears and save Rainbow Dash or will she be too scared to to leave to safety of her cottage and go out into the deadly storm to save her?

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 38 )

Several grammatical errors, but nothing that made it unreadable

I'll add this to my Read Later list, simply for the title.

It's very difficult to read over the grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors. I can tell that this is a first or second fic, and you NEVER want to use 'tho' as though. Thumbs down, sorry. It's getting to be impossible to read. If it was better in the spelling/grammar dept., it would be great, but...

balancing this out with a thumbs up even though I haven't read it yet simply because a story doesn't need dislikes just because of grammar

649343 beat me hear relevant, I was planning this EXACT comment

i don't know about the dislikes, but for me the story is amazing even if there are gramaticamical errors i love the story so far so keep up the good work!!!:rainbowkiss:

I am sorry, but WALL'O TEXT. seriously I can't even read the second one. I LOVE the story but trying to read it makes my head hurt. please get an editor, I would love to see what you do with this story, but I just can't physically read it with out breaks for dialogue and paragraphs. I will be watching and waiting for you to fix it, send me a PM when it is done k?:pinkiehappy:

story suffers since the grammar is so bad.

I'm sorry, I can't read this...it's way too fast and some of these grammar mistakes seem intentional. the story is a good idea, it's just your execution is less than acceptable. find yourself a good proofreader

649158 ya i typed that out on notepad........needless to say. I got microsoft word

649158 ya i typed that out on notepad........needless to say. I got microsoft word>>649212

Also I had a proofreader. but he decided he didnt want to ever read it to do his job. So I had to do my best to fix all the mistakes. Which I failed at doing

651618 the mistakes didn't ruin it. it's the pacing. you jump around on a rocket blowing through everything. i said proof reader not editor, a proof reader reads it before- or after- you upload and eitehr revises it and sends it back for your final revision or they tell you exactly what does and doesn't need t be changed story wise. most proof readers do edit as well though. you should go out and read other much more well done very similar stories so you can get a feel for whats good and bad. the idea is a bit overused but that can be balanced with unique and proper execution.

I'm getting together a few people to help me proofread and fix the brokenness that is my story. I do just want to point out that I did all 3 parts on notepad which lacks any word check and considering that my proofreader decided he wasn't going to proofread it I had to go over it and try to fix all the mistakes I made. I failed at this task and I want to apologize for the multitude of mistakes in this story. I will be fixing all of them very soon and I plan on starting tonight.
I also got Microsoft word so that should help a lot.

649343 holy hell! that's a title to a song?! Wow I just made that title up cause it was fitting for the story......talk about mind blown 0_0"

Alright......I fixed as many of the grammar mistakes as possible....and as for it jumping around a lot I apologize. This was my first attempt at writing fanfiction.
Hopefully my next one will be better!

652338
I am not sure if you are joking or not, but whatever.

If you have not listened to the entirety of Holy Diver, you need to fix that immediately.
Holy Diver - Dio

I actually have not listened to any of his songs

I cry out for magic:facehoof:
I feel it dancing in the light
It was cold, lost my hold:pinkiecrazy:
To the shadows of the night

No sign of the morning coming:trollestia:
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark:rainbowderp:
A Rainbow in the Dark

Ok, first off I just want to say that I really enjoyed this story.
A lot of people mentioned the punctuation and the grammatical errors and yes, there were quite a few, but that (in my opinion) did not have much negative effect on the story. The main problems that I had were the wall of text and the rushed pace at the beginning.

You should really try to make a lot more paragraphs, especially following the whole dialogue rule. This alone will make your story much more enjoyable to read. Also with dialogue, thoughts are usually denoted by italics rather than quotes.
The pace throughout the story (especially the beginning) was extremely fast. Take the time to describe scenes, feelings, thoughts. For example, if I had written this, Rainbow would probably not have gotten hit by the branch at least until the third chapter (with relatively similar chapter lengths). However in yours, Dash was already saved by the storm at the end of the first. Then Dash is hurt for awhile, bored, and then confesses her love for Fluttershy almost immediately after each other. Frankly, I was almost out of breath by the time this was over by how fast the events moved in your story. :twilightblush:
Let these scenes develop; show more of Dash hurt in bed, obviously trying to conceal (and failing) her pain, have her do something stupid because of her boredom, or have her fight with herself and make a fool of herself over her love for Shy.

The concept that you have for this story is really great and while it was still a good read, I know that you'd be able to make it 10X better.
I hope that my ramblings may have helped in some way and remember that this is all constructive criticism; i don't mean to sound harsh...just frank. :twilightsmile:

well this was my first fanfic and I have never really wrote any kind of story like this before. I realize it could have been so much better and I do plan on rewriting the entire fanfic eventually, but I will need some people to help me with making sure all the grammar is fixed and that its not as rushed. :yay:

Wow I cant believe it........my story has gotten to almost a thousand views and 13 thumbs up! I honestly thought this story was a bust for all the hate it got when I uploaded it but now its actually gotten likes......So to all those who read this and liked or loved it please send me feedback cause I really would love to hear it! and cause of all the positive response I might start writing another story soon! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

omg im 3 views away from reaching a thousand and some body added this story to their favorite! Wow so awesome lol :yay:

When there's lightning
You know it always brings me down
'Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found

I cry out for magic
I feel it dancing in the light
It was cold, lost my hold
To the shadows of the night

No sign of the mornin' comin'
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the dark
A rainbow in the dark

Do your demons
Do they ever let you go?
When you've tried, do they hide deep inside?
Is it someone that you know?

You're just a picture
You're an image caught in time
We're a lie, you and I
We're words without a rhyme

There's no sign of the mornin' comin'
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the dark
Just a rainbow in the dark
Yeah

When I see lightning
You know it always brings me down
'Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found

Feel the magic
I feel it floating in the air
But it's fear and you'll hear
It calling you beware
Look out

There's no sight of the mornin' comin'
There's no sign of the day
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow in the dark
Yeah, yeah

You're a rainbow in the dark
Just a rainbow in the dark
No sign of the mornin'
You're a rainbow in the dark :heart::heart::heart:

1816135 omg wow again I didnt know dio had a song named this :/........ :facehoof:

(there's one thing people one this site should know, I'm an arse sometimes and I post random songs, wait.....thats two things):rainbowderp:
[youtube=FMrIy9zm7QY]

Lol :rainbowlaugh:

Dude, get an editor :facehoof: there's so many grammar mistakes in there, it's almost painful

God damn this chapters worse than the last :fluttershyouch:

Problems:
1.) WALL OF TEXT!!! :raritydespair: readers don't like being bombarded with massive walls of text, it makes it very hard to read!

2.) distinct lack f compound sentences :facehoof:

Eg this

She looked down and saw that she was lying down on a bed and tried to get up only to gasp at the pain that shot up her back and leg as she tried to get off the bed causing her to fall making a loud thump as she hit the hard wooden floor

Could be written like this

She looked down and saw that she was lying down on a bed. She tried to get up, only to gasp at the pain that shot up her back. This caused her to fall back, making a loud thump as she hit the hard wooden floor.

See much better

3.) grammar :ajbemused: for example in the first chapter you kept using drown in the past tense when you should have used the present tense- drown <<

4.) new line, new speaker! That means if someone is talking, you start a new line. Like so:
"Hi I'm Fred!"
"Hi I'm Bob!"
"Wanna be friends?" Fred asked, smiling politely.
"Fuck no! You're a little faggot!" Bob sneered, laughing.

I would suggest getting an editor form one of the many groups dedicated to editors

GAH! Even bigger walls than chapter 2 :raritycry: :fluttershbad: :pinkiesick::ajsleepy::facehoof:

And again, barely any ompound sentences. Your sentences are running way too long

Im not going to talk about grammar and paragraph and all that because its not my place, but i can tell you other things, this was a good story but could be better, add some details and stuff.

Here is Fluttershy taking care of someone that just got hurt, everyone knows how she is when taking care of others, i would never believe that she would let RD get up from bed after something so serious, the same way that is hard to believe that RD was walking just after a tree branch have fallen upon her, yes RD is waaay too reckless but an injured back is no foals play.

And yeah they were happy and all but come on she wasnt able to make the trip to ponyville before and having a marefiend wont change that, out of that it was a nice story, sweet way of telling their feelings, and i was really nervous not knowing if Dash would survive or not.

Try using more paragraphs. Your walls of text scared me.:fluttercry:

:twilightsheepish: im reading this for the second time and I must say that I like this little story. sure yes lots of grammar mistakes but hey we cant all be grammar nazis!

Man, coming back after all these years to see this has still somehow managed to remain somehow liked is very surprising. God I remember writing this thing years ago back on our old Desktop using Notepad. Jesus man, time really flies. Its almost kind of impressive seeing how much ive grown as a writer since I wrote this.

I'll never know how my terrible fanfic ever managed to even get over a 1000 views, rather less so many thumbs up. I honestly figured this would be a complete failure.

Damn that was intense, good work. Though the grammar and spelling needs some work:twilightsheepish:

I’m going to have to agree with everyone else here, it’s so badly written but it has a good storyline, which makes me enjoy the storyline, but also hate the bad execution

Even though it was horribly executed, the story was great!

Here is my grading scale:

10/10: might make a fanfic reading or an audio drama of this on my YouTube channel

9/10: still might make a reading on my YouTube channel, but probably not an audio drama.

8/10: adding this to my big favorites library

7/10: adding this to my favorites library, not the big faves

6/10: definitely coming back to this in the future.

5/10: might come back.

4/10: might come back once or twice

3/10: definitely not coming back

2/10: giving criticism about the story

1/10: hating the story overall

Even though it was terribly written, here is my grade:7/10

1816135
I hope that turns into an actual song, i’m not a compser so someone else will have to do it:twilightblush:

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