Alone

I've always been alone. Even with my friends, I'm still alone. There's just an emptiness there, there's nothing. I watch them and I see their happy smiling faces, and I cry a bit inside. I wonder why I can't be happy. Why do I have to be sad and alone, and they get to be happy? Why can't I have happiness? The world is supposed to reward good behavior and punish bad. If that's so then why am I alone? Why do so many bad things happen to me? Rainbow Dash is selfish and reckless, she doesn't think about any consequences until it's too late. She blames her mistakes on others. And there she goes getting everything she ever wanted! She's a Wonderbolt! She's dating Spitfire! And what does the Princess's prized student get? The straight A student who works her flank off for everything? Nothing! No one!

I'm all alone. Nothing's been the same since then. It's been three weeks now. Three weeks since they took him. Spike had been growing a lot, his more draconic instincts coming through. He got mad at a pony in town and lost his temper. He didn't mean to hurt anyone! But they took him away anyway. They took him to a distant mountain and left him there. I'll never see my first friend again... Ever... Buck it, I'm crying again. I try not to cry around anypony, I don't need their sympathy. Their fake kindness. They don't care, what do they know? They know nothing! They didn't lose a little brother! They didn't lose a foalhood companion! They didn't lose anything!

I don't hate them. They are still my friends after all. I do care about them. I just don't need their lies. In fact, they are the reason I'm still here. Even though it would make me happier, I care about their happiness more. If I leave, I'll just leave more sadness in my wake. I can't have that. I can't let them crumble because of my choice.

I think about hurting other ponies sometimes. It would be easy, just a simple spell and I wouldn't have to deal with them ever again. I'm a magical genius, I could easily make it look like an accident. But I don't. After all, everypony has bad thoughts once in a while. That doesn't make me a bad pony. A pony only becomes a bad pony when they act on those thoughts. So as long as I never act on them, I'll be okay. Everything will be fine.

I've thought about getting help. Going to see somepony about this. But that idea is absurd! I don't need somepony who thinks they know everything about me telling me that I'm just some broken mare. Or maybe I just want to ignore the fact that I am broken. Pretend that everything is okay. Or maybe, I'm afraid of them changing me. Taking away a part of me that makes me, well, me! Just because they don't like those parts, just because those parts aren't "normal". What is normal anyway? A stupid word with no meaning. A term they use to make it so everypony is exactly alike. I can't be normal. I refuse to be normal. I won't let them change me. I won't let them take parts of me away for their own benefit. Maybe I don't want them to take me away. To hide me in some room far away from my friends and family. All because I'm different. All because I don't fit their standard. It makes me so mad!

I hide in my bathtub. I lock the door. I pull the knife out. I used to hide it under the tub so Spike wouldn't see it, I guess that's pointless now. The glamour spell fades as the lines on my forelegs show through. I run my hoof over the scars. The lumps of scar tissue feels strange yet comforting. I read in a book that most ponies cut themselves because they like blood or pain. Just more ponies acting like they know everything when they really know nothing at all.

Honestly, I can't tell you why I do it. But I can tell you that after a long and tiring day, it feels good to run the blade across my forelegs. Sure I wince at the pain, it a natural reflex to do so. But it feels good. The blood is a welcome sight. Reminds me that this is all real. Some days the thought is a blessing, other days it's a curse. There are days when I think 'maybe if I just cut a few more times, or make the next cut a little deeper, I can end it.' But I never do. It would be so easy, everything would be over. No more pain, no more sadness. I hear Paradise calling, it's so tempting. But I think about my friends, about how crushed they would be when they found me. Fluttershy might even try to follow me. I can't do that. I put the knife back, the spell working its magic. No pony but me needs to know about the scars. I'm not broken. I'm just me.

So my days continue. My sadness grows. And I remain alone. I keep this journal as my only friend. The only one who will listen. The only one who truly cares. The only one without an ulterior motive for me to be happy. The only one who realizes that I'm just a mare who's a little different. Nothing more. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's broken. I'm just different. That's all.

Until Next Time,
~Twilight Sparkle

Applejack read the page again and again. She glanced over at the purple mare in the bathtub, a bloody knife on the floor. More tears begin to fall. The farmpony stopped by on her way to the market to check on her friend. No one had seen the mare for a couple days, and now Applejack knew why. She wiped her tried to wipe her tears, but it was useless, "Oh, Twi. Why did you do it? Why didn't you say anything?" But Applejack knew why. It was right there in the notebook. She just wouldn't believe it. "Twilight..."

Author's Note:

So, I just wanted to get this written down. I've been going through some tough crap right now. I did cut myself once, but I haven't done so since. I thought about writing this from the point of view of Fluttershy since I thought the scenario would better fit her, but I changed it to Twilight because it felt more personal as I can better relate to Twilight better. I myself am a straight A student who feels pressured to always get an A in everything. I'm always paranoid about everything, blowing things out of proportion. And I do have a friend who gets everything she wants and has a boyfriend who gives her the world and she doesn't seem to care that I'm right there sad and alone because she has everything I've ever wanted. I also had another good friend of mine get arrested and I still don't know what it was for, all I know is that I haven't seen him for three weeks now.

So, long story short, I wrote this story as a way of getting things off my chest. Nothing more, nothing less.

Until Next Time
~blackrosedarkness

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nodamnbrakes

nodamnbrakes #1 · Feb 17th, 2014 · · ·

Iryelb

Iryelb #2 · Feb 17th, 2014 · · ·

I understand why you wrote the story but I don't understand why Twilight killed herself, I mean she even said in her journal that she wasn't going to kill herself. So I have to ask, why did Twilight do it if she was cutting herself to feel alive?

blackrosedarkness

blackrosedarkness #3 · Feb 18th, 2014 · · ·

3961392 She eventually went through with it because she couldn't take the pain that came with every new day. She wanted her friends to be happy, which is why she put off killing herself, but her need for her own happiness won out in the end.

Iryelb

Iryelb #4 · Feb 18th, 2014 · · ·

3961631
I suppose, but she could have gone to live with Spike. I was also wondering how long Twilight had been cutting herself?

kniznik

kniznik #5 · Feb 18th, 2014 · · ·

This was surprisingly good. I got curious when I read introduction and disturbed when I began reading about her cutting herself. But surprisingly I just had to read to the end.
I guess Twilight finally realised that the world doesn't care whether your good or bad. Only normal ponies care about it.

Celefin