Dawn of the First Day
The next morning I woke to the smell of home-cooked food and for a moment I was wondering who had broken into my house to cook. The smell made me miss my mom’s cooking, and motivated me to get out of bed. Dragging myself to the kitchen, I was greeted to the sight of a full breakfast spread for at least two people: pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, juice and all the other goodies one only ever see on cooking magazines. Even the table was covered in cloth, and place settings meticulously set on the table. Hell, there was even a flower in a vase. I don’t own a vase. I swear it was like Martha Stewart invaded my home and started filming a cooking show.
But instead of the wizened old matriarch, I saw at the stove a pink ball of fur, wearing a white apron and poofy chef’s hat. She wore a hair net over her tail and mane, and turned to me with her trademark grin.
“Morning sleepyhead! Breakfast is almost ready, and I was afraid I was gonna have to drag you out of your room to eat!” With the practiced skill of a carnival juggler, she dropped to all four hooves as she tossed a plate of warm rolls she had just pulled from the oven onto the table, and not a single crumb was dislodged.
“Holy hell, Pinkie! Where did you get so much food? I wasn't going shopping until tomorrow, and I sure as hell didn’t have this much food.” My mind boggled at the sheer amount of food, as well as the near-perfect artistic layout of every plate and platter. It was as if I was standing in the way of a photo shoot.
“Oh, I am used to getting up early from working at the bakery fo the cakes. So I got up, and trotted down to the market down the street. The boy there was real nice, and apparently a big fan of mine!” Beaming, she slid her way into a chair across from me, and started loading her own plate with food. I was not sure what confused me more, the way she handled the utensils with hooves, or the fact that she was loading things like bacon and sausage on her plate.
“Wait, you are a pony, right?” She nodded vigorously, the poofy chef hat bobbing on her head, but never coming loose. “Aren’t ponies supposed to be vegetarians? I mean you do know what bacon is, right?”
“Oh no no, ponies on my world are omnivores, same as humans.” She grinned again, and I realized why her smile was so creepy; she had canines. Small ones, and barely noticeable among the flat teeth. In fact, her teeth looked more like those of a human than a pony. “It’s just, when almost every animal can think and talk back, eating meat is very bad. Not to mention, when you are friends with Fluttershy, eating anything that can feel can get ugly really, really fast. There are a few things we eat, but it’s rare and very expensive.” She snagged a sausage link and popped it into her mouth whole. “So imagine my delight when I found an entire meat market!” The look on my face was one of horror and I think it finally sank in. She smiled sheepishly and relented in her tirade. “Uh, yea. But mostly, we are vegetarian.” Scratching her head she looked confused a moment. “Except for Rainbow Dash. She says she’s a vagitarian, whatever that is.”
My spit-take was epic.
Sidestepping that social land mine, I attempted to change the subject as Pinkie totally ignored the juice now dripping off of her face. “So, you have mentioned your friends quite a bit. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Twilight. What are they like?”
“Oh! Yeah, we all got picked to be ambassadors to this new place, since we were already kinda famous and all. Twilight is off studying egghead stuff at some of the big colleges and scienc-y places. My friend Rarity is hanging with royalty over in Egg-land, and learning fashion stuff in Prance.” I nodded, trying not to laugh as she got the names wrong. Applejack is doing farmer stuff, as usual. They wanna find out what kinda crops will grow in each world, so they can start trading them. Fluttershy stayed behind to watch all of our pets. They won’t let her come here, and she is too afraid to come anyway. They are all worries she will join some guy named Peter, and use the stare on everypony. She’s a big animal lover like that.”
“I think you mean PETA.” I replied with a chuckle.
“Yea them! They don't want her to go all psycho animal lover and brain wipe everypony into hugging puppies or something.” She shuddered at the thought. “For being the kindest, gentlest pony in existence, Fluttershy can be scary sometimes.”
Dreading the response, I warily prompted, “And Rainbow Dash?”
“Oh! Rainbow Dash is living in some place called Caulifloweria, doing all sorta shows and parades. She told me she ‘finally found her people’, whatever that means.” Scratching her head, she cocked a questioning eye at me. “Are there pegasi in San Fajita? I thought there weren’t any ponies in your world.”
At this point I could barely hold back the laughs and tears were forming in my eyes. “Okay Pinkie, lemme just stop you there for a moment. First off, it's San Francisco, in California. Secondly, there are no ponies, at least not sentient ones, in our world. The only thing we have are small horses, and they are totally unrelated to you and your friends.” I paused to catch my breath, still hurting from the suppressed laughter. “Finally, with a name like Rainbow, I am sure there are only one kinda people that would claim her as one of their own, and I know exactly the kind of parades she is in.”
“Oh really? Are they pony parades? Do people worship rainbows and stuff there?” The innocent look was just too much and I finally broke down laughing. “What? Whats so funny? Tell me!”
After a few moments, I caught my breath and tried my best to explain. “Pinkie, San Francisco is notorious for having a rather large population of alternative lifestyle people.”
The look of confusion remained.
“I think your friend is gay, Pinkie.”
“Oh! Of course she’s gay. All of my friends are happy, and I make it my personal mission to make sure they stay happy all the time!” The dawn of a new smile graced her face as she inflated with pride.
I’m sure I left a mark when I facepalmed. “No, Pinkie. I think she likes girls.”
“Well of course she liked girls. Doesn’t everypony?” Her look darkened, as she frowned at me. “You aren’t one of those meanie girl-haters are you?”
“No Pinkie.” I sighed, “I mean she REALLY likes girls, as in having relations.”
“That's silly. She has a mom, and she's related, so of course she has relations.” Crossing her hooves, she still looked at me puzzled.
“I dunno how not to be blunt about this, but I am all outta euphemisms.” I threw up my hands in defeat.
“Ooh, Ruffie-isms? My friend Zecora told me about those.” She shook her head at the memory. “She says they can make a pony do silly things, and bad ponies can use them on you to do bad things. But I tried them once with Dashie, and things got kinda warm and fuzzy. I don’t know how I woke up in her bed, but she assures me we had a good time at the party.” She paused for effect and stroked at an imaginary beard. “I mean I REALLY don’t know how I got there since her bed is in a house made of clouds...”
She was cut off as my head hit the table with a resounding thunk. Finally I gave up being nice and just blurted it out, “SHE HAS SEX WITH FEMALES!”
The loud, shocked gasp made my head shoot up to look at her as she seemed to inflate, her eyes going impossibly wide. Suddenly like a switch was thrown, she returned to normal and smiled at me.
“Oh, I knew that. Everypony in Ponyville does, although we don't talk about it.” Taking on a matter-of-fact tone, she nodded at me. “What happens once the barn door is closed is nopony’s business.”
I just stared in shock, my mouth moving silently for a moment before I got my bearings again. “Okay, moving on. I need to get ready for work, and I am totally stuffed. Thank you very much for this awesome breakfast, but this is far more than the two of us can eat.” Waving at the massive spread, I grinned at my roommate.
“Oh, it’s no problem! I love making food for my friends, because a full belly makes them happy!” She looked over the table with a widening grin and giggled just a bit too loudly. “I’ll take care of the rest.” And suddenly without warning I was in the middle of some sick hentai nightmare, as her mouth opened impossibly wide, and a massive orange tongue show out. It deftly circled the table, and withdrew into the gaping maw bringing all the remaining food with it. I admit, I screamed like a bitch, and may have peed myself just a little bit. That shit was scary!
Just as quick as it happened it was over, and my pink guest let out a massive belch, as she stared dazedly out at nothing. Her belly had grown massively distended, as if she were pregnant and about to give birth. When she patted her torso, it sloshed and jiggled grotesquely.
Suddenly her eyes grew wide again, and her irises contracted to pinpoints. “Uh-oh!”
“What?” I began backing away, afraid she was going to explode like some bad B-grade horror flick.
“Gotta poop!” was all I heard before she vanished in a pink blur towards her rooms, leaving the apron and chef hat spinning in the air like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon. I heard the door slam, and a long low groan from down the hall. I couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh as I realized nothing horrific was going to happen to me.
I made my way to my own room, and started my preparations of work, glad the walls were thick enough to shelter me from the sounds down the hall. I couldn't help but think of the old chinese curse: “May you live in interesting times.” Living with Pinkie sure was going to be interesting indeed.
After my morning rituals, including a nice long hot shower, I was ready to face the day. There was no sign of my new house guest, and I assumed she had left for the job interview she has mentioned. I silently wished her the best of luck, knowing how hard the job market could be, and knowing that anyone not an ass-kissing corporate drone had an even harder time getting hired. Then again, she was a bit of a celebrity, so maybe she would get hired as a TV personality.
The daily commute was average, with its mix of old farts doing ten miles under the limit, and younger fucktards driving ten over, while texting. Soon it was over and I arrived at my glorious place of employment, Pencils. Sure, it was a corporate mega-store slowly crushing the American dream out of every small business owner with its bulk deals and cut-throat prices, but it paid my bills. Well, some of them. Fuck, I hate retail.
Putting on my well-worn fake smile, I strolled in nodding to my co-workers. There was the usual suspects, the overly cheerful cashier, the older-than-dirt customer service guy, the clueless manager. And then there was Don. Don is one of the smartest people I know, despite being younger than me, and the head of the electronics department. Don is a Brony. He’s tried many times to get me to join his obsessive little club, and watch his favorite show. Granted, now much of the fandom revolves around reality shows filmed in the real Equestria, but most of the die-hards still wax nostalgic about the original show. Don wasn't one of those. He had embraced the new age of real ponies on earth, and renewed his efforts to get me involved. He was gonna have a cow when I broke the news.
My usual swagger brought me past the tech bench, where the cheerful smile of my brony friend was met with a wave. “Heya Don, hows it hangin?”
“Not bad Louis, hows the hunt for a new roommate?”
“Actually, it’s going good, already got someone ready to move in. You will never guess who answered the ad.” I leaned on the counter, and grinned mischievously.
“Oh really? that was fast. I thought you said it would take a week?” He fixed his glasses and leaned on the other side of the counter from me. “So, who is it, anyone I know? It’s not that chick from the Copy Center is it?”
“Naw, it's a chick, but she doesn’t work here. Pretty sure there's rules against it anyway. Lemme say though it’s a new immigrant, and she’s pretty famous.” My smile grew as I saw the gears grinding in his head. He was gonna get it, he was smart like that.
“No way! You got a pony living with you?” My grin got even wider in response. I have this trick of making people piss themselves with my psycho grin. I was glad there were no customers around to see me now.
“Yes indeed, and I bet you're jealous aren't you?” I laughed at the look of shock on his face. “Even better, it’s your favorite pony from the show!”
“Holy Shit!” he burst out, before catching himself and lowering his voice. “Holy shit, you got Rainbow Dash as a Roommate?”
My smile dropped and I blinked for a moment. “What? No! I thought your favorite was Pinkie Pie?” I shook my head. “Shit man, you know I don't actually watch the show.” His flinch told me I had said something wrong. “What?”
“Ouch dude. Pinkie Pie is the crazy one.” He shook his head. “You know the comic relief spaz that is in every cartoon? That’s Pinkie. There’s still debate on whether she’s schizo after what happened in Party of One. She kinda went insane for a while.”
“What?” I shook my head. “She’s a little high strung and spastic, but no different than half of our customers. She’s actually quite friendly, and cute once you get know her. I think that...” I stopped talking at the look on my friend’s face. “She’s standing behind me, isn't she?” His slow nod was all the answer I needed.
Turning around I saw Pinkie wearing a frilly doll dress, blushing as she slowly ground a hoof on the floor and looking shyly at me with half lidded eyes. “You think I’m cute?”
I facepalmed as my friend started to burst into laughter. “Wait, what? That’s not what I meant! I told you I’m not into hor-erm, ponies. I meant cute like a puppy. A very hyperactive puppy.”
Her entire manner changed instantly, as she bounced into the air grinning. “Oh, can we get a puppy? I always wanted a cute little puppy to play fetch with and I really miss Gummy, my pet alligator, and we can take him on walks and take turns teaching him tricks and...mph!”
I managed to stop the bouncing and the verbal avalanche by grabbing her muzzle. She stared at me with wide eyes while still trying to grin around my hand. “No.” Slowly I removed my hand, ready to staunch the flow of words again if needed.
“But, but...” She began to stammer.
“NO!” I firmly responded. “First off, there is no we. You are my roommate, and on probation at that. This is a business relationship. You pay rent, you get a room, and we try our best not to get on each other’s nerves. Second, there is no way in hell I am letting some shoe-chewing, slobber-dripping, carpet-pooping flea farm into my house. Before my parents moved on, they left me that house, and made me promise to take care of it. It’s all I have left, and I will not let it get destroyed by animals. No offense.”
“Oh, I am so sorry! I never knew your parents were dead. And the house is all you have left to remember them!” The pink pony practically fell apart in front of me, beginning to tear up.
“Dude, I thought your parents moved to Boca?” Don was leaning over my shoulder looking at the distraught mare.
I rolled my eyes and took a deep sigh. “I never said my parents were dead. I said they moved on, as in retired. They worked in real-estate and own five houses. They just moved on to one in a better climate.”
Again, as if a switch were thrown, the water works were gone and the happy smile was back. “Okay!” And suddenly I couldn’t breath as I was being violently hugged.
After prying the pink off of me, much to Don’s amusement, I knelt down to look her in the eye. “So what brings you here? I’m about to clock in for work, so I can't hang out right now.”
“Oh, I just came from my interview, and I saw you walk in here, so I decided to come in and tell you I got the job!” I just blinked, wondering how she got that all in one breath.
“So, um, congratulations. Where are you working?”
“Duhh? Party City!” She leaped into the air, and balloons flew out of her bags. I blinked for a moment stunned as I wondered how they got in there while fully inflated.
“Wait, as in the store next to us?” Her spastic nod was my response.
“Yea, isn't it cool? We can work right next to each other, and we can have lunch together, and I get to do what I have always been best at: Throwing parties!”
“Wow. So what will you be doing?” I just was having trouble seeing her being able to help much in retail.
“Well at first I will be helping customers find stuff. They already got balloons and cards with my face on them.” Under her breath she muttered darkly, “Although I think I need to talk to my lawyer about that.” Then back to her normal self, “Later they want me to help with children’s parties, as entertainment and planning games and such. I already had loads of people asking for me to throw them parties, and even this one creepy guy that wanted to have a private party.” She scratched her head, and Don chuckled darkly as I facepalmed. “Although Susan said that wasn't the kinda parties we catered to, and that I shouldn't talk to that guy because he was a registered offender and she was gonna call the cops if he came back again.”
“It sounds like Susan knew what she was talking about. There are some bad people out there, and you need to be careful.” I tried my best to sound serious, when all I wanted to do was laugh. Don didn't have the same compunction, and was laughing his ass off.
“Yea, besides, I told him I am a pony, not a donkey, so I can’t do that kinda show. Although I could probably get my friend Cranky to help out.” At that point I just walked away, leaving a confused pony and a hysterically laughing human behind.
“That’s it, I’m off to work!” and I headed towards the break room to change.
After returning from my transformation into a corporate drone, I found both Don and Pinkie absent. I was not surprised that my fellow wage slave jumped at the opportunity to fulfill his brony dreams of hanging out with a pony and clocked out before I was even on duty. Besides, I had a line of customers all crying for blood to attend to, and brainless managers to appease. It was a normal day in retail.
Soon enough the pathetic shift was over and the store was closed. I had rounded up the last of the mindless zombies that were haunting my store and made my department presentable. It was time to head home for some beer, and a little mindless web surfing to ease the pain of my existence. The drive was only mildly less annoying with the lack of fucktards on the road, but offset by the lurking cops and longer stop lights. Soon enough, home was within my grasp, and I was ready to unwind.
What I was not prepared for was an unlocked door, and a ransacked house. Unlike the morning’s obsessive attention to detail and picturesque spread of food, I was instead greeted by a home defiled by half-assed decorations and a kitchen that looked as if someone had played a few games of Call of Duty in it. With live hand grenades. There was a massive cake in the middle of my kitchen table, mostly frosted, but with utensils and batter strewn about. Balloons and streamers hung limply and half attached to random points around the room, as other viscera were plastered on the floor and walls. It was as if a fraternity had thrown the world’s biggest kegger for a six year old girl, and then everyone had been evicted by the cops in the middle of the party.
Seriously, I can’t even begin to make this shit up. My inner neat freak was about to explode and murder anyone it saw on its rampage to clean the mess I found. I was pissed. Someone... No, SomePONY was about the get the tip of my steel toes upside their colon. And then I would decide if I needed to call the cops, or the coroner. Maybe both.
Needless to say, I was starting to wonder what barbequed pony tasted like as I started to look for a broom to clean the mess, and was halted by the sound of a thump coming from my cabinets. I slowly reached for my mom’s old cast iron frying pan as I carefully inched toward the door nearest my fridge. With a sudden motion, I yanked the door open and brandished the blunt object of pony slaying (+2) and yelled at the top of my lungs. I was met with a shelf full of pink fur, and some rather startled blue eyes.
“Surprise!” The compacted mare greeted me with a rather sheepish grin.
“Nope.” I immediately closed the door, and turned to walk away. I was in no mood to deal with this kind of shit, and was willing to let it stay till morning.
“Um, help? Please?” The plaintive cry came from the cupboard as I began to walk away. “I’m kinda stuck. Oh please don't leave me. I really gotta pee!”
Stopping, I took a deep breath, then let it out in a long, weary sigh. Returning to the cabinet, I slowly opened it to reveal the wall of pink staring at me plaintively. I glared dispassionately at the lodged pony and cocked a cynical eyebrow.
“Do I even want to know?”
“Well, I sorta wanted to throw you a surprise party to celebrate moving in together, and me getting a job. I baked a cake like I usually do for my friends, and then hid in a small spot to surprise you. But it didn't work out like it usually does back home and I can’t get out and nowIgottpeecanyoupleasegetmeout!” The verbal assault became more high pitched and frantic till the end.
“And what have you learned?” I casually asked, trying my best deadpan voice.
“Umm, surprise party magic doesn't work here?” The pink mare replied, pleading as best as she could.
“Good enough. Also, I hate surprises, so don't try this again.” I sighed, trying to figure the best way to dislodge the parcel of fur from the compact space. I settled on pulling a hoof, oddly tucked under her chin. At first, she grunted, and squeezed her eyes shut in concentration, and then suddenly I felt something give as the entire bundle of furry pony popped free and landed on my chest, bowling me over.
“Thanks, Louie! I owe ya one! Gottapeebye!” She shouted as the pink blue vanished from my chest and off into the depths of the house.
Brushing myself off, I muttered to nobody in particular, “It’s Louis. Stupid pony.” and ambled over to inspect the cake. It was a rather sad looking thing, apparently made at least in part from ice cream. The supporting core must have melted, leaving it leaning dangerously to one side as the frosting and fondant tried desperately to hold it together. As I watched, one of the three layers made a break for it and slid to the table, and then onto the floor with a series of wet plops.
I shook my head in disdain as I surveyed the disaster. Streamers hung limply, weighted down by air-filled balloons. Confetti littered the floor and drifted forlornly from the cabinet I had rescued Pinkie from, looking like debris from a clown explosion as it fluttered across the room. I was staring a bit shell shocked at the mess, as well as the large banner that stretched across the room welcoming me home. My neat, orderly kitchen looked as if Mardi Gras had exploded, twice.
That was when I noticed the sobbing, and I was snapped from my stupor. Following it down the hall, I was led to Pinkie’s bathroom. I could hear her crying over the sound of running water in the sink, and I decided to knock.
“You okay in there Pinkie?” I asked worriedly.
I heard the water stop, and a few sniffles, before receiving an answer. “Y-yes. Um... No. I-I’m sorry.”
I sighed, and tapped again on the door, “Can I come in?”
I heard the toilet flush, and then the door opened to reveal a rather disturbing sight. The fluffy fur was still there, but her mane and tail were now straight and lifeless, while twin streams of dampness coursed down her face. The usual smile was also missing as she looked up to me with more tears in her eyes, threatening to overflow.
Kneeling down in front of her, I looked her in the eye. “What’s wrong Pinkie? What happened?”
“I-I wa-was t-trying to throw you a p-party. *hic* B-but it all went wrong! I’m so sorry Louis, I don't know what went wrong.” She began to sob again and I pulled her into a hug. I wasn't sure what else to do, but here was someone distraught and crying, so I did the first thing that came to mind.
“Just calm down. I’m not even mad, Pinkie, just a little confused.” I sighed and stroked the limp hair as she slowly shook with sobs into my shoulder. “Just go slow and tell me what happened.”
After a few more minutes, the sobbing stopped and she stepped away with red eyes and a face full of wet fur. Finally after a few deep breaths, she managed to find her voice and start her tale.
“Well, I wanted to throw you a party to thank you for letting me stay here, and to celebrate getting my new job. It’s my special talent; throwing parties and making ponies smile. I do it all the time for my friends back home, but this time nothing would go right. First the balloons wouldn't float when I blew them up like back home, and then the cake got all melty when I put the ice cream in it. Also the streamers wouldn't stick right like they are supposed to. And then finally, when I was practicing hiding to surprise you when you got home, I got all stuck, and couldn't breathe, and I was so scared and had to pee and the darkness was so scaryandlaughingdidntmakethescarythoughtsinmyheadgoaway....”
I saw her start to panic as her breathing and talking went into overdrive. I pulled her into another hug until I felt her start to relax and her breathing returned to normal. Stroking her hair also seemed to help, and I had to admit it made me feel better. Maybe there is something to those people that say petting an animal helps you live longer. Finally I felt her pull away and I asked her if she was going to be okay. I got a shy nod in response, and gave her one last quick hug.
“Okay Pinkie.” I took a deep breath to order my thoughts. “First of all, I understand you come from another world and all, so things that work there don't always work here I suppose. Blowing up balloons with your breath won't make them float, because your breath weighs the same as the air around you. You need something lighter, like helium.” She nodded slowly, listening intently, and sniffling from time to time. “As for the cake, you need to keep the ice cream frozen until the last minute. Most ice cream cakes are all frozen. And finally, I have seen a few of the videos of the show your world is like. You may be like a cartoon character able to pop out of little places in your world, but whatever lets you do it there won’t work here.”
“But, I don’t understand. Twilight said she can’t cast magic here, but I don't have magic. I’m just an earth pony.” Her voice was still strained from the crying, and the inability to do what came naturally to her seemed to be still taking its toll.
“Well maybe you can't cast magic, but there may be magic in your world you can't see that we don't have here. You just need to be more careful and learn what you can and can't do here.” I shook my head again and smiled at the pink pony, receiving a smile in return. “So, don't worry about the party. I appreciate the thought, but I like my kitchen clean even more.” Rolling my eyes to let her know I wasn't mad, I grinned even wider. “So just clean it up when you can, and we will call it all even, ‘k?”
“Okie dokie, Loki!” she beamed and gave me a salute.
I bent down and gave her one last hug, and I swear I could actually see the hair on her head curling back into its normal shape. Suddenly I wrinkled my nose as I smelled something off, and pulled away from her. “Um, Pinkie, what’s that smell?”
Her eyes went wide and her cheeks grew bright red as she jumped back in the bathroom, slamming the door in my face. “Sorry!”
“Dafuq, Pinkie? What’s goin on?” I banged on the door again.
“Umm, remember when I said we don't usually eat meat because most ponies think it's bad? Well it turns out it is bad to eat as much as I did this morning!” She sounded like she was about to have another breakdown from embarrassment, until I laughed. “What’s so funny? This is gross!” I heard her spraying air freshener, as the toilet flushed again.
I continued to laugh, as I heard her muttering darkly from beyond the door. I recalled my cousin telling me about the time he ate entirely too much red meat after a hunting trip, and the resulting gas. It made me laugh that a pony suffered similarly. Yes, and I remembered what he called it. Pinkie had Deer Farts. And she most likely had the other problems that came from an abrupt change in diet. I continued to laugh as the toilet flushed again, and the dark muttering went on. I was still chuckling as I wandered into my room to unwind for the day.
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Saw this at the top of the new stories list and clicked on it purely because I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the cover art was suppose to be. I had initially thought that it was a pair of slippers, whoops.
I've only seen this sort of premise once before and I really enjoyed what you've put up so far. The only compliant I have mirrors what Akumokagetsu said, too little detail on Louis. The only thing that I could really guess was his age, assuming around 30, but I might be wrong.
Maybe it's best if Pinkie Pie doesn't eat meat.
Well. This is really quite well written, and very funny. I enjoy the odd couple vibe Pinkie and Louis have going on, and definitely interesting in where things are going.
I would like to third the motion for some more info on Louis though.
An interesting premise, with plenty of possibilities for wacky hijinks.
I'm a little confused about the cloven-hoof thing, though. If this comes into play as an explanation for how ponies can hold objects in their hooves, it might be a good idea to go back and add something to that effect in this chapter, or the prior one where the cloven hooves are first mentioned, as Louis watches her performing some task (such as cooking); otherwise, it just feels like an arbitrary change that was inserted for no particular reason other than "make them different from the show."
And yes, a little more detail on what Louis looks like would be good. (Although granted, this is one of the inherent weaknesses of first-person perspective; the main character usually can't just come out and give the reader a complete description of himself without it feeling artificial and forced, so the information either has to be given out in bits and pieces throughout the narrative, or you have to arrange a circumstance where the protagonist would have reason to be actively noticing his own appearance.)
Grammar-wise, a couple of things to watch out for:
One, you keep using it's when you mean its.
It's is the contraction of "it is"
Its, without an apostrophe, is the possessive pronoun; i.e. something which belongs to or is a property of "it." Possessive pronouns (his, hers, theirs, its, yours) never get apostrophes before the s.
A quick way to tell for sure which one you should use is to substitute "it is" into the sentence and see if it still makes sense:
Incidentally, this also works for other often-confused pairs like "your" vs "you're", "we're" vs. "were", "theirs" vs. "there's" etc.; when in doubt, take the contraction form (you're, we're, there's), expand it out to its full form ("you are", "we are", "there is"), drop it into the sentence, and see if it still makes sense. If it breaks the sentence, use the other form. (This does break down a bit with "there / their / they're", since you have three forms instead of two, but at least it eliminates one obviously-wrong choice.)
Related to the above:
"How's" is a contraction of "how is"; it needs the apostrophe.
3903698
Ugh, see this is why I need an editor. Mine had been busy with school and work, so hasnt been able to help much. Thanks for pointing out the issues, I'll go back over it and update before I publish the next chapter.
I never even thought about that Louis looks like, I will have to give some though to it. I usually don;t describe my first person Protagonists, unless I have to, so that the reader can better put themselves in the role. Since it seems to be the common request, i'll see what I can do about working some descriptions in.
The reasons behind things like the cloven hooves become more apparent as the story progresses, and you find out how different they really are.
Chapter 2 is done, although i will make another pass. 3 is almost done, needs editing badly. I may wait until I;ve made the suggested changes before I update.
You know, I like this story. And you write at a good pace and understand how to combine comedy with general good storytelling. Keep up the good work man. :D
this is a very enjoyable start. interesting premise, as well.
Not a bad story so far, apart from a few things that I have a personal minor disliking of. I'll be keeping an eye on this for further updates.
3903957
An editor would help, or at least a proof-reader.
Here, have a few typo corrections for free:
Mildly forgiveable, as Louis may not know the difference between sentience and sapience.
Okay, I'm not sure what to suggest for this one - what do you mean by "show out"?
3904221
Yea, been trying to get help editing this thing for a week, finally said fuckit, and posted it anyway. So sorry for all the mess.
in response, I can never remember, or care, the difference between Sapience and Sentience. it was supposed to be Shot out, not show. The rest are straight up typos. thanks!
All the more reason to find another editor, and make another pass at this story before I continue updating. Any takers?
And for anyone wondering at my method? I am trying something new, as I usually do. I have not clue where this story is going. instead of having an overarching story with a clear beginning and end like I usually do, all i have are a series of jokes, gags and situations in my head, I then try to write a story to string them together into a larger narrative kind of like most sitcoms do.
Future episodes feature such ideas as Pinkie vs Shedding, Pinkie vs Heat (oh boy, gonna strain the ratings on this one), Pinkie vs the internet. You get the idea. Me and my friend/editor are still kicking around ideas. I'm trying my best to have fun with this story, and not take it as seriously as I do most of my writing.
EDIT: Protip kids, don't respond to comments dealing with typos and grammar errors while drunk. Just makes you look like an ass. Gnight folks!
Monty Python cover art gets an instant fave.
>Rated Teen
>Doesn't seem to be any sign of sex or clop, based on the description.
So why the fucking hell is the cover art a picture of Pinkie's ass that, as far as I can tell, has nothing to do with the story? I get the vibe that you're just trying to exploit cloppers and get views. If so...
I just find such a practice disgusting.
Enjoyed chapter one. Lots of potential. Chapter two...too much toilet humor, too much swearing, too much lower middle class angst. It was there in chapter one too, but not so much that I wasn't able to enjoy the story. Chapter two, it was distracting me from the story.
No. Really, not yay. This fic would be much better without it. This is supposed to be a fun cute comedy. The swearing shouldn't be distracting me from the story. Also, guy swears like a sailor, but is embarrassed to to talk about Rainbow Dash being gay? Pinkie clearly has money but he insists she have a job and extols the virtues a working life? Combine all this with the constant use of idioms, clumsy slurred speech and dropped g's:
"Wanna" and "gonna" and "hangin" are not words. Deliberate misspelling can be used to provide color to speech, but you're using the same voice for all characters. The net effect of all this is that the whole story comes across as smothered in a heavy layer of lower middle class urbanism. And just like some people are turned off by clop, some people are turned off by swearing...you have a lot of things going on here that are likely to turn off a good portion of readers.
The story premise has potential. The pacing is good. There's a proper amount of emotion and humor. But there's a strong character to the writing here that I and probably some of your other potential readers will find distasteful.And like a few other commenters have pointed out, much of the grammar you're using is not very good. I think this story would be vastly improved by cleaning up the character and style of the writing.
3904818 I'm with this guy, the toilet humor is fine in tiny doses, but you really need to revise this chapter before going ANY further. Also despite magic being unusable here she's still able to roll her tongue out really long and eat everything on the table, AND store balloons in bags too small for them. You NEED consistency, here. Take a hammer to this chapter, and revise it, heavily. Chapter one was great, and I'd give it a solid 8 for potential and concept. This chapter bumped it down to a 5.7, on my scale. You need to fix this before writing anything else.
3904659
Wait for it, its actually a scene that happens later. And while there is no clop, its gonna get close to the edge, and kinda spit over it.
3904818
Lower Middle class is what Louis is, thus the angst, swearing and general pissed-off at the world attitude. But other than that hes a nice guy, and while willing to cuss, is still sensitive about being PC in front of a new guest, especially a new alien dignitary from another dimension.
3904981
Wait for it... If you read my other stories, you will find that I have a bit of a compulsive need for things to make sense. While I may not explain them right away, logic is usually brought to bear at some point. And I'm sorry if you guys don't like the toilet humor, but its prolly gonna get worse. So will the language. It drives my editor nuts, but its how I have decided to write this character and story.
I am having FUN with this, and you guys are along for the ride, so wear your helmet, and fasten your seatbelt. As I mentioned before, this story is just a string of jokes and funny situations that I am stringing along into a story. Think 'Family Guy' level of humor, but without TV censors.
That being said, there are still some good ideas everyone is giving me, and I plan to use them, including a re-write of chapter 1 to fix the grammar. I blame auto-correct on that one... Stay tuned!
This is pretty good, keep it up
I'm okay with this fic.
Ain't that the truth. I work in Retail myself, and that is the PERFECT description of it.
But one thing:
Is he SURE that he's not gangsta?
Real horses have canine teeth too, though they're more hidden.
And yes, a horse will eat just about anything -- especially if it's seen you nibble on it first.
3906078 I'm just going to wait for the transmogrification of the has to have, and read a few other fics elsewhere for now....I'm sure I'll be able to come back later...
Oh.My.Dear.Lord.
There are no words to describe how much I love this story. This had me laughing all the way through, especially the part where Pinkie finishes off the breakfast. I haven't laughed that hard in weeks!
This is a story I will be keeping a very close eye on. I am very much looking forward to where you take this. Keep up the good work!
3906354 Are you saying that you can't or won't read this because it has grammar errors?
Well, this is a great story. The picture was kind of misleading, though.
A picture of Pinkie's butt in boxers and what ever it is coming out of the top seems better suited for a clop fic... in my opinion. Maybe you should consider changing it?
But a great story!
..........Soooooo, everypony is this fic is bisexual? Or atleast only the mares? Huh, go figure.
That aside great fic, i am looking foward to the comming chapters.
Man Vagitarian...... fucking hell that's my new favorite word!
I enjoyed this.
The cute moments and humor are great, haha.
So when do the others come into this picture? Dying to know what Dash is like now that she found her.......people.
3907008 I'm saying I can't read the second chapter...right now...I simply don't have the time.
edit: I FINALLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES! NOBODY INTERRUPT ME! READING!
I like how you used a Majora's Mask reference in the titles.
3906336 Oh we will get to that in later chapters
3907083 Wait for it... It's a scene in the next chapter. I honestly tried finding a pie of Pinkie looking like a furry Llama or sheep, but failed. So I went with this, and the MP joke made me lol.
3908109 This is a sitcom style narrative, with a very limited cast. The others will make cameos in news articles and such in the background, but I want to focus on the dynamic between Pinkie and Louis. Fact is, all the characters are parodies of friends or coworkers, but so far only Don has been told about it. All names are of course changed to protect the identities, as well as to avoid legal action.
Oh man, wait till they go out for fast food...
3908470 Rainbow Dash is far too awesome to be tied own to one gender role.
Everyone is Gay/Straight/Bi for Dashie. EVERYONE.
3908957 NO NONONONONO. Rainbow is too cool to be gay. this is sick, and twisted, and i may never read it because of that
3908995 She's not gay.
She's Awesome-Sexual!
3909011 Not funny. Just NOT FUNNY
3909023
Yeah, it would have been better as "awe-sexual".
The vagitarian line on the other hand was amazing.
3909119 this is sick. you LIKE that stuff? you should be ashamed. :(
3909023 if you don't like those kinds of jokes then get off the internet.
3909181 ha ha
you make me laugh. there is good on the internet, some of us are just to perverted to see it.
3909127
Like; not like; why bother? Homosexuality, like sexuality in general, is not an ubiquitous topic, and is discussed as appropriate or polite for a setting. Being ashamed of accepting that or being fine with engaging in a setting where it is discussed or joked about though, really? What reason could I possibly have for that?
Frankly, I'm almost afraid to respond to some of the things you're saying for fear that I'll go too far in ridiculing what, to me and possibly others, sounds an awful lot like the tip of a highly bigoted position. Given that, I'm going to refrain from any further dialog here after giving one piece of advice:
It is my opinion and prediction that you will not find a receptive audience to the view you are expressing in this comments section, and will further find difficulty finding one elsewhere on this site that will not simultaneously attract negative attention that is more trouble than its worth. Having the topic broached in a such a negative manner is not palatable to people who have dealt with, or worry about dealing with homophobia fueling the use of slurs, threats, and worse for no other reason than that they have engaged in the FiM fandom. Whatever you do on this site, please keep that in mind.
well this has been... interesting to say the lest, faved and liked for sure
*blink blink*
I... That... I'm just... going to assume it means what I THINK it means...
Okay. THAT right there is Pinkie.
A problem I'm seeing, that others have pointed out... Well, a few. One: potty humor. Come on, man, I know you're better than that. Two: gotta wanna etc. A few is okay, but when even Pinkie Pie is using them, I start to feel drowned in sameness. At least to my recollection, Pinkie never really used a lot of slang like that in the show, so it seems odd for both her AND Louis to be using it. There's a few places where it seems like it's used too much as far as density, like using two or three in a single sentence. It just seems... off.
Still willing to give the story a chance, but it's starting to not seem as good...
I like stories of this type. Ponies without magic. So no popping out of no where, no flying because of the laws of physics. Always interesting. Though I don't think I could live with Pinkie.
And here I was thinking I'd go to sleep after my night shift job.
What was I thinking?
Must be the lack of coffee in my system.
So was mine!
Remember, kids: sentient and sapient are not the same thing
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/5/13/625730.png
It's canon!
Dull