Country Roads
There is a reason that farmers and folks who live off the land wake with the sun, and it is nothing about being healthy or wise. Basically it has to do with the fact that everything else living on the land wakes with the sun and proceeds to make such an annoying racket, that you can’t sleep anymore. Needless to say for city folk, this is a nightmare. However, I was close enough to my father’s redneck roots to have put my time in wilderness survival, and wasn’t as bothered by it anymore. That didn't mean I was happy to be woke up after a long night drinking by the sound of a woodpecker searching for food outside my tent.
It had been three days since I left home, after giving short notice to my job and cashing in on some long overdue vacation time. I claimed ‘medical emergency’, and made it rather clear that I was not going to be the one injured if I didn't get out of town quick. I just needed to get away for a few days, and get my head sorted out over what was going on back home.
My mind and emotions were a mess, so I did what most of the men did in my situation, find some alcohol, some survival gear, and head off to the wilderness. Granted, it usually involved hunting down and killing something, but it was not hunting season, so that left drinking and camping. The cooking and eating of meat was still an option I chose, although it came from a supermarket down the mountain, twenty miles away.
Now I was awake, only mildly hungover, and more than a little smelly. I stretched in my sleeping bag, scratched my scraggly beard which was starting to grow out, and got ready to greet the day. I was strongly considering some fishing, or maybe another hike. This was of course after a nice breakfast of eggs and leftover steak. I had to finish the last of the perishables before I ran out of ice in the cooler.
Unzipping the tent, I slipped on my camp shoes and stepped out into the chilly morning air, stretching with a huge yawn. I stopped in mid-yawn at the sight of an orange pony sitting in front of me, looking rather pissed.
“Louis? We need to talk.” A country twang gave me further pause, as I racked my brain to remember where I had seen this pony before. She was one of Pinkie’s friends. Blackjack? Applesnack? I couldn't remember.
“Who the fuck are you, and how the hell did you find me?” I asked the obvious questions, before plopping into the folding chair next to my tent.
“Name’s Applejack.” Oh yea, that was it. The farm pony. “Ah’m a friend of Pinkie Pie, and Ah’m right livid bout what you dun to that poor filly.”
In a flash, pain blossomed in my jaw, and I was suddenly looking up at the leafy canopy. Before I could get my bearings, the angry face of my visitor was looking down at me.
“That was fer what ya did ta Pinkie. Ah outta buck yer hide clear offa this mountain, but it ain't the pony way. And besides, Pinkie’d never forgive me.” She reached out a hoof, which I carefully take as she helps me back up.
Rubbing my jaw, I felt for loose teeth with my tongue. “I probably deserved that.”
“Ya damn straight ya did. What you done did to that poor sensitive filly was inexcusable. She’s all sweet on you, talks bout ya all the time, and you go an kick her to the curb like a wormy apple.” Snorting for emphasis, she plopped on her rear, still glaring at me.
I deadpanned at the irate pony, sitting back into my chair with a sigh. “You obviously are not getting the entire story.” The only response I got was a single raised eyebrow that would make any Vulcan proud. “Look, Pinkie is a sweet kid, I love her to bits, which is why I still let her live with me after all the shit she’s pulled. However, she went too damn far this time. I have told her over and over that I don't wanna fuck a damn pony, but she won't back the hell off. And finally, when I find a girl that is interested in me, she starts some shit and breaks us up.”
I rolled my eyes, “Sure, it turns out she was a gold digging bitch, but she was digging on ME. I was tappin that ass, and I was happy. Pinkie couldn't handle it and flipped her shit, so I had to put her in her place.”
“And what place would that be, mister human?” the farm pony dryly replied.
“Oh fuck you. You don’t get to pull the race card on me.” I fumed, getting heated up. “You don’t know shit about having your own kind think you are lesser than they are just because of the color of your damn fur.” I paused and pointed a finger at her. “And for the record, I still consider Pinkie Pie to be one of my best friends, and love her like she was my own sister, which makes me even less wanna sleep with her.”
“Landsakes! Is that all ya’ll think about is sex?” She took her hat off and rolled her eyes at me. “What am Ah sayin, course it is. Yer a male. And Ah bet is sure don't help none that your females go into heat at the drop of a hat. Any hat.” she finished, deadpanning as she dropped her hat for emphasis.
It was my turn to cock an eyebrow. “Some you only have to mention hats.” I replied with an equally deadpan look.
This lasted all of five seconds before we both burst into laughter. “Boy, Ah’m starting to see what Pinkie sees in you, but you got alot to learn bout ponies. Especially mares.”
“Show me any man that claims to know women, and I will show you the worlds biggest liar, or the world’s most deluded fool.” I quipped. This got me more laughter, and an outstretched hoof, which I shook.
“Ah like you feller. But me an you gotta sort this mess out with Pinkie, and quick, afore she does somethin stupid... Again.” Sighing, she plopped her hat back on her head.
“I’d welcome any advice from someone that knows her, but I think better when I’m not starving. Care to join me for breakfast? I gotta cook the rest of these eggs before they spoil.” I motioned in the general directions of my cooler, and the smoldering campfire.
“That’s mighty neighborly of ya, Louis. I could go fer some vittles myself. I hiked up this blasted mountain, and been starin at yer tent since dawn.”
“Well then, I don’t know how you feel about meat, but if you get that fire going, I can heat up some leftover steak, some eggs, and mebbe some leftover chili.” I grinned at her flank meaningfully. “Sorry, but no apples.”
“Meh, not much for meat, but some eggs an chili sounds nice. Long as we ain’t gotta share a tent afterwards!” She chuckled and got to work stoking the fire, while I started on the food.
After an improvised breakfast, we sat around the small fire, grinning at each other. I am sure neither found what we had expected in the other, and I was feeling much better already with a full stomach.
“You know you’re wrong. Ah know more than ya may think.” Applejack muttered as she licked her plate clean.
“What? About what?” Looking up from the fire, I gazed at the solemn expression my newest companion had.
“Ah do understand what it’s like. Mah family is real close, an real proud. We are Apples, and we are Earth Ponies. There are a few odd ducks, but mostly Earth Ponies.” She looked up to me, and shrugged. “Ah got a broader view on things, living in Manehatten awhile, but many of us still resent how we are treated by the other tribes. Wars were fought, the unicorns and the pegasai used us in their wars with each other. Earth Ponies remember that.
“There are still places an Earth Pony ain’t welcome in Canterlot. So ya, I understand.” With a sigh she laid down and looked into the barely visible fire.
“So it’s not all rainbows and friendship in happy pony land, eh? I woulda never guessed from the way everyone paints it. Especially Pinkie.” I chuckled, “All she talks about is friendship and parties.”
“Yeah, well Pinkie is a bit of an odd duck. We all love her, but she’s different than most ponies.” Scratching her head, the farm pony tried to think of a way to get her meaning across.
“Ya don't say?” I deadpanned.
“Ah do say! For her, friends are what keeps her goin. She measures her self worth in the number of friends she has, and falls apart without em.” Looking away, she went on, “Ah remember the time she thought we hated her parties, and didn't wanna be her friend. T’wern’t pretty, Ah kin tell ya that.” The orange mare shuddered at the memory.
“Oh yea, I remember Don trying to get me to watch that episode. Her hair went all straight and she was talking to herself.” I managed to surprise myself by remembering that little tidbit.
“This weren’t no show! She went plum loco, locked herself in her room and threw a party with toys she done made to look like us.” A bit of fire sprang into her eyes as she stared me down. “Me an Dash had ta break in a window and drag her off to the hospital. Took alotta drugs to calm her down, and weeks of therapy.” Looking down at the ground, her voice became hollow. “Turns out, the cake was poisoned. Lucky it got smashed in the fight ta git her out of the house, but poor Fluttershy fed some to one of her critters, took us days to calm her down.”
“Pinkie was throwin one last party, all by her lonesome.” Looking up, Applejack glared at me. “So now you see the damage you coulda done?”
“Well damn.” I muttered, still in shock. “I used to joke about her poisoning the food, but now it’s not so funny. But you got her help, right? I mean I knew she was a bit unstable, but damn.”
“Yeah, we took good care of her, and she’s mostly fine now, but we all still worry.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I just couldn't stand her being all over me like that. I mean, she spent the day in heat chasing me around the house and trying to rape me, and let me tell you, it’s not as fun as it sounds!” I pointed an accusing finger at the mare.
Laughing at my joke, Applejack blushed. “Yeah, well that weren’t a fun day fer anypony. There’s places in Texas Ah ain't welcome no more.”
“Ooooh! Do tell!” I put my chin on my folded hands like a gossip leaning on a fence.
“Aww no, I ain't tellin that story. Weren't one of mah prouder moments. Let’s just say, the term ‘Cowgirl’ now has new meaning.” She fanned herself with her hat as the blush grew.
I busted up laughing, remembering Rainbow Dash’s story. Seems all the ponies got into trouble that day.
“Well, as much fun as it would be to pry that one outta you, we are out of food. I planned to do some fishing for dinner, care to join?” I hitched a thumb up the trail away from camp.
Rubbing her chin in thought a moment, the orange pony looked almost comical. “Hmmm, sure. Ain't nowhere Ah gotta be, an Ah ain't been fishin in a long while.” Straightening her hat, she gave me a half lidded glare. “Asides, we got more talkin to do.”
Half an hour later we had the last of the ice chilling some beer, while we set up camp on the nearby lake. It was actually an old beaver dam, but it had been around so long the thing had been pretty much made a permanent part of the landscape.
“Wanna beer?” I offered to Applejack, who shrugged and nodded. I tossed the bottle, and she caught it in her mouth, like a dog, before transferring it to her hooves.
“Hmm, this ain't cider, bit it’s not bad either. Got a bit of bitter to it.” Chugging half the bottle, the farmer grinned at me.
“It’s not bad, for the price. I could show you around town next time you visit and let you sample the local brewery. They got some awesome microbrews on tap.” Pounding back my own cold beer, I grinned back before casting my line.
“So, what ya gonna do bout Pinkie? She has us girls, but not alotta real friends where she’s living at with you. Losing you would hurt her somethin fierce.” Casting her own line, AJ sat back and waited for a bite, pulling the stetson over her eyes as she talked.
“I understand how dependant on her friends she can be. After she got her computer set up, she didn't leave her room for three days. She spent the entire time on Stalkerbook making friends on the internet.” I chuckled at the memory. “I finally had to drag her out and make her take a damn shower after the smell got too bad. Have you ever smelled her after three days?”
Laughing out loud, she pulled her hat up to look at me. “Actually Ah know that smell rather well. Ah do work on a farm after all, and come harvest time, a bath becomes a luxury fer a few days.” Rolling her eyes she looks back at me. “And then there was the time Pinkie got into a staring contest at a knot on one of mah trees. Mah bruther, Big Mac, had to haul her off and toss her in the water trough. She was sore at us for days for makin her lose.”
“Eew, stale Pinkie sweat!” I made a face and got another laugh.
“Too bad ya don't like the smell. Ya smell kinda nice to us ponies.” She grinned at me and swigged her beer.
“No shit?” I sniffed the acrid reek of my own three day funk, and made another face. “No wonder she always wants to jump my bones. Maybe I should shower more often.”
“Hah, won’t help any. You may think it’s all bout bumpin uglies, but most ponies ain't even interested outside of matin season.” Finishing off her beer, she pulled her line in to recast.
“Wait, so Pinkie doesn't wanna screw me? Then what the hell is she playing at?” I recast my own line, tossing another beer to my companion.
“Aw naw, don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions. Some ponies are always ready to rut, as bad as humans. A few pegasai Ah know come to mind.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I got the message. Rainbow Dash was rather playful during her visit. “And that girl Pinkie, she’d lift her tail for you anytime. Poor girl has it for you bad, but that ain't what she needs.”
“I don’t get it, what does she want then? I mean she practically raped me! That sends a pretty clear message.” I threw up my hands, just in time for a tug on my line.
I grabbed the pole before it could end up in the water, and Applejack jumped up to cheer me on. A few minutes of playing the line, and I landed me a sizable trout. Quickly it was transferred to a nearby live bucket to await its fate.
“Well now we know what we’re having for dinner!” I grinned and fistbumped my fishing buddy.
“Sounds good to me, pardner! Ain't had pegasus food in an age.” Rolling her eyes at me, she grinned. “Fish is one of the few meats anypony can get without Fluttershy getting all upset. And it’s quite tasty.”
“Yeah, I heard about her. Animal lover, they are afraid to let her visit?” I raised an eyebrow, asking for explanation.
“Yea, the girl sure loves her critters, but scared to death of ponies. But iffin she even thinks one of her friends are in trouble, that timid little thing turns into a right monster! I once saw her stare down a full growed dragon. Made the big feller cry like a little foal that had it’s fanny smacked.”
“Wow, so I guess no hunting when I visit then?” I joked.
“Hah, I doubt that. Iffen her pet bear don't chew you up, she’d make you wanna kill yourself in shame. Pissin Flutters off is the last thing ya wanna do.” Stopping to reel in her own catch, the conversation lulled until the catch was landed.
“Anyways, to answer yer question, all she wants is friendship and love.” Sighing, she drank down another beer, and I could tell there was more to her statement than she was willing to tell. “All anypony wants, really. Just somepony to hold them, tell them they are special. It ain't all bout sex and stuff. Just hug her, be her friend. Tell her she’s special.” Voice growing strained, I could see she was talking as much from her own needs as those of her friend.
“Don’t worry none bout ruttin Pinkie. When next season comes, she’s got her buddy, Cheese Sammich. Her and him been knockin boots a few years now during ruttin season. Ah heard tell they was even thinkin bout makin it official, and settlin down for some foals. That was afore that portal thingy opened and we all got drafted for this damn ambassador gig.” Kicking a rock into the water, she took a deep sigh.
Scooting closer, I pulled her into a one armed hug, and the strong farm pony just leaned into me with a sniff. “You left someone too?”
“What? No! Mebbe... I never asked him. He was always so damn proper. And I think Rarity had her eye on him anyway. It woulda never worked out.” I couldn't help but notice the shift in her voice, sounding more refined, with a bit of a Brooklyn twang. “Besides, it’s my family I miss the most. Little ‘Bloom is growing up without me, and poor Macintosh is running the farm all on his own.”
I just hugged her tighter, and listened to the sniffles for awhile. Finally she looked up at me and smiled. “Thanks, Sugarcube. This is exactly what a mare needs. Just remember that, for Pinkie, okay?”
Before I could reply, both lines hit, and we were too busy falling over each other to talk. We called it a day with three nice sized trout, and a lost bait. Off to the camp for a much needed clean up and cooking session.
It was mutually decided, despite how each of us felt about the other’s smell, the smell of freshly gutted fish was not pleasant for anyone. After the food was set to slow cook in the coals, we trekked down to the nearby swimming hole to wash up. I received some teasing for insisting to keep my swimming trunks on while I cleaned up, despite Applejack being fully nude. She sobered a bit when she remembered she would need a bit of help getting to the harder to reach places without the grooming tools most ponies owned.
It became my turn to laugh as she performed a full body blush while I was helping scrub her flanks and tail. The tension was quickly broken however as the rinsing phase of the ritual quickly devolved into a splash fight. By the end, we were both dripping, clean, and grinning like idiots. Not to mention tired as hell.
As the day waned, we returned to the camp for a nice meal of fish, with some baked potatoes and corn slow roasted in the campfire. The last few beers were drank, and the warm glow of our full bellies matched the warm glow of the setting sun.
“Ah really am starting to ‘preciate what Pinkie sees in ya, Louis. Yer a right fine fella, smart, funny, and ya smell nice too.” Winking at the last words, her voice grew husky as she smiled at me. “It’s just too bad yer so gosh darned UGLY!” Her voice returned to normal as she chuckled at me, sticking her tongue out.
“It’s the hands, I tell ya. Ponies dig the digits!” I grinned and wiggled my fingers at her.
“Ya don’t say?” Slinking up to me like a cat, the farm pony ducked her head under my outstretched hand. I automatically began to scritch her behind the ears as I would most animals. The effect was immediate. “Oh my Celestia! That’s amazing. Yes, right thar, right thar, don't stop!” I laughed as her hind leg began to kick like a dog and the contented grin spread across her freckled face.
“In all my days, I have yet to meet a critter that didn't love a scritch behind the ears.” I grinned too and continued as my newest friend began purring like a cat under my ministrations. “Behold, the power of HANDS!” I playfully bellowed, getting an answering chuckle.
Suddenly the orange pony pulled away, blushing and looking flustered. “Landsakes, you better stop that ‘afore I decide to steal you away from Pinkie mahself. Ah dun care how ugly ya are, that was amazing!” I just laughed in response, and pulled her into an awkward hug.
“Well now, how did you plan to spend the rest of the evening?” I gazed up at the coming night, and added more fuel to the fire.
“Well shoot, Ah never planned to stay this long and Ah dun look forward to truckin down the mountain in the dark.” Looking embarrassed, she kicked at a the ground.
“Don’t sweat it. I’d welcome more company, and we can tell embarrassing stories about Pinkie Pie!” Grinning, I patted the seat near me. “I’ve spent enough time brooding alone for a bit.”
“Well then, Ah don't suppose it could hurt to stay another day. Not like I got much else to attend to.” She plopped down next to me, and smiled in my direction. “Ya got any more of that beer?”
“I’m afraid we’re all tapped out, but I got something better! I was saving it for my last day, but I think I better cut my trip short so I can get home and patch things up with Pinkie.” As I spoke, I rummaged in my pack, pulling out a carefully wrapped package, handing the contents to Applejack.
“Hmm, Appleton Estates, 15 year Reserve?” She cocked an eyebrow at me in question. “This here is liquor, ain't it?”
“Some of the best. My mom gave it to me for my birthday, and I’ve been saving it. She owns half the plantation where they make it.” I motioned for her try it.
“Well, iffin it has apples in the name, it cain’t be all bad.” With a twist, she pulled out the cork, then took a swig. Her eyes bulged, and she swallowed, followed by a jerking cough. “Smoooth...” she managed to choke out. “That ain't made from apples!”
“Naw, it’s rum, made from sugarcane. Some of the best too.” I motioned for the bottle and took a swig myself, relishing the burn as it flowed down to my extremities.
“Hoowee, it gives a kick. Sugar, ya say? Don't let Pinkie find out. As much as that girl likes sugar, Ah’d hate to see what she’d do with booze made from the stuff.” We both laughed at the thought of a hyperactive pony drunk off her ass. “So iffin yer ma owns this here plantation, what does yer pappy own?”
I grinned and leaned closer, taking a swig of the rum before answering, “He owns this mountain.”
Her eyes grew wide as she looked around in surprise. “The whole mountain? How can a feller own a whole mountain? Mah family founded Ponyville, and our farm is only a small part of the town.”
“Well that’s an interesting story. Ya remember when I told you bout how some humans hate others just because they are a different color?” She nodded in response, getting a worried look. “Well his family was from around here, and they were none too pleased when he married a dark skinned islander. He brought his wife home to the family reunion and they all but kicked him out.” This was received with a shocked look.
“Wait, they kicked em out fer lovin somepony that was another color? Ah’ve seen some things in my time, especially in yer south, but for family to turn on another like that, s’just plain wrong!” The orange mare was clearly upset at the idea and stomped a hoof. I just smiled and handed her the bottle for another drink as I continued.
“Yes, well they forgot how stubborn and hotheaded the family is, and they forgot how rich my dad was at that point. He used his contacts from his job at the time, and found out that the entire mountain was owned by a local mining company, and half the land was just leased to the folks that lived here.” I grinned evilly and took the bottle back for another swig, smacking my lips at the yummy burn. “He bought the company, and all of it’s assets, and then spent the next decade slowly letting the leases expire, and kicking the bastards off the mountain.”
“Wow, that's just evil.”
“Yep, well that's why you don't piss off my old man. Us mountain men are vindictive as hell.” I grinned back at her startled expression.
Suddenly she perked up and looked at me differently. “So wait, yer family is like, all rich and all? So why you need a roommate, like Pinkie?”
I snorted, rolling my eyes. “My parents are rich. My dad is proud of how he started out poor, and made his own way in life, and he raised me to be the same. They paid for my college, gave me a house, but haven't given me a penny since. I decided I wanted to enjoy life for a bit, and continue my education later, so long as I was willing to pay my own way in life, they didn't give a damn.
Sighing, I leaned back and took another shot, feeling the mellow buzz start to melt into something stronger. “So, I work a shitty, dead end job, flake out and play video games, and need someone to help me pay some bills.” I shrug, “It’s a big house, and having company is nice I guess. It works out for now, as long as Pinkie can keep her hands to herself.”
“Ahh, well it should all work out, Ah’m sure. Shounds like meh at mah younger daysh.” I could hear the alcohol starting to slur her words, as the glassy look in her eyes told me she was approaching wasted. “Ah went off ya find mahselfs, shpent time in Manehatten bein all proper an shtuff. A right proper young lady Ah wash.” Shrugging, she took another shot, and passed the bottle back. I couldn't help but notice we had passed the halfway mark, and I stoppered the bottle with a small smile.
“But! But it twern’t fer me. Mah family and mah farm called me back, and I found mah placsh on da farm.” Leaning over, she put an arm around my sholders and tried to give me a serious look, which was totally ruined by her swaying back and forth. “Ah jusht hope ya find yer placsh, Louish.
“I’m sure I will. But for now, life’s a party, as Pinkie like’s to say.” I smiled back and helped her back to her seat. “Ugh, and for now, I think my place is in bed.”
“Aww, where’s da rum?” Luckily, she hadn’t seen me hide the bottle. Knowing where this party was going and heading it off before my very good rum was forcefully redeposited in the bushes nearby when her stomach realized it was losing the battle against alcohol poisoning.
“Why’sh da rum gone?” Swaying on her hooves, the orange mare tried to look behind me for the missing bottle. I did my best not to facepalm at the inadvertently quoted movie reference.
“Go home Applejack, you’re drunk.” I said with a laugh.
“Cain’t go home, s’too dark. Gonna shleep here. Mmm warm far an shoft ground, an dat log looksh comfy.” She started to stumble off to a nearby log to lay down, and I headed her off.
“Oh no you don’t! I got you drunk, you are my responsibility.” I steered her towards my tent, and after a minimum of fumbling, managed to get the flaps open. She mumbled a thanks and collapsed on the floor inside, completely missing the sleeping bag. With a sigh, I turned to bank the fire, before returning to find the farm pony snoring softly, her hat over her face.
Securing the tent flaps, I crawled into my bag with a sigh. I paused a moment before unzipping it, and repositioning so it could cover my companion. Suddenly, she rolled over and latched her hooves onto me in a tight hug, smiling in her sleep, not even breaking the rhythm of her snores.
With another sigh, I settled in for a night of being spooned by a drunken pony. I had to admit I’ve slept through worse situations. Being used as a teddy bear by a drunken mare doesn't even rate.
“Hooves ta yerself mishter...” I heard her mumble, as I slowly drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but appreciate the irony.
After an awkward awakening to a sleeping pony sucking on my thumb, we broke camp and I drove AJ down the mountain where she had a ride waiting for her. I finally got my answer of how she tracked me down, and was embarrassed that it was so simple. It seems Twilight tapped into the GPS on my Robotz smart phone, and looked up the location. I guess that's the price of living in the modern age.
Half a day drive found me home again, and after a very long hot shower plus a well needed shave, I was sprawled out on the sofa. Drinking cheap beer and eating cheap pizza I picked up from Little Platos. It was just like the old college days, minus the acne. The house was empty, and it felt like something was missing, so I decided to watch some TV.
And next up, on the Gerald Faller Show, “So I married a pony!”
“Welcome to the show, folks. We have an interesting and controversial topic for you. Humans and Ponies have been living together for several years now, and despite the cultural and physical differences, some have found love. Today we have several couples that have taken the next step, and gotten married to their soulmates.”
The crowd jeers and boos at the announcement, as the ringmaster rolls his eyes to great effect. He then steps aside and begins to announce his first guests.
“Our first couple hail from California, and Cloudsdale, and they have even taken the time to get married in both locations. Jim says he is a professional surfboard designer, and Cloudsong is a weather control inspector. Folks, lets give a warm welcome for Jim and Cloudsong!”
The audience cheers, with a few offnote whistles as the couple step from offstage. The human is a tall blond man, wearing a grungy looking shirt and baggy pants. The mare is a pegasus sporting a pink coat and yellow mane. They stride across the stage, waving to the crowd, before leaning close for a kiss. This draws oohs and awws from the crowd, and a few woops, especially from the ponies in the audience.
“So, Jim and Cloudsong...” The host begins.
“Please, you can just call me Cloud” The mare interrupts, smiling sweetly. She reaches out to the hand of her mate, who holds it. This simple act gets some more noise from the crowd at the simple gesture.
“Okay then, Jim and Cloud. You both have been through some tough trials of late, with some folks opposing human and pony unions. And yet, despite all this, you have remained true to one another, and even gotten a legal marriage in both countries.” Gerald sits down to face the couple, now seated in arm chairs.
“Yeah, and soon I will be getting my dual citizenship so that I can travel freely in Equestria.” Jim pipes in. This gets some cheers from the ponies in the audience.
“That's amazing to hear! And you told us you plan to expand your business to Equestria, and sell your custom designs to ponies. It sounds as if the worlds are not going to stop you from achieving your dream.” With a smile, the host turns to the audience, who promptly cheers the couple on.
“But all is not well, is it?” Gerald prompts.
“No, we still have trouble from some of our neighbors. The house gets vandalized, and we have had threats both in the mail and left on our phones. My own brother refuses to talk to me.” Looking down at his feet, the young man sighs, and the pegasus leans over and hugs him with a wing.
“Well, I have a special treat that may help you folks. It seems our next couple are having an even tougher time of it, and they have something very important to share with you two.” Backing away, Gerald motions to the viewing screen, where a familiar blond man is looking into the camera.
“Jim. It’s been too damn long, and I’ve given you such a hard time over the years because of the choices you have made. Now it’s time that I come clean, and tell you how sorry I have been for the way I treated you.” The man on the screen looks like a twin to the one on stage, save for the clean cut of his cloths and well groomed hair. As the screen fades, the censors have a field day censoring the profanity coming from the first human guest.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet John.” As the man takes the stage, the crowd erupts, but in a moment he motions offstage, and things go really wild. “And I would also like to introduce his lover, Lens Flare!”
As the ringmaster announces the newest guest, the entire studio erupts. Out trots a pony stallion, a unicorn, sporting a dark grey coat and shocking blue mane, bearing a camera cutie mark. As he trots on stage, the human kneels down and shares a very passionate kiss with him, causing the audience to somehow get even louder.
Suddenly there is movement, and Jim is running across the stage towards his brother, pulling him up to take a swing at the other man. Before the bouncers can even react, he is frozen in place as the horn of the unicorn flares to life. The audience cheers like the bloodthirsty mob they are, and it takes several moments for the bouncers and host to regain control. Finally the sound is low enough for the guests to be heard, and once again the censors have their work cut out for them.
“You f*****g bastard! After all the s**t you pulled, at our wedding, in front of our parents! This is the big f*****g secret you have been hiding all these years? You’re a damn faggot, and a pony f****r!” Livid with rage, the younger brother screams across the stage at his sibling. The bouncers stand ready to intercept the next round of violence, and the two ponies just look scared as they watch their partners. “You are nothing but a damn hypocrite!”
“Yes, I’m a damn hypocrite. I’m sorry for all the things I said, and the s**t I pulled. I regret every nasty word I ever said to you.” Looking tired and broken, the older brother couldn't even look the other man in the eye. “You don’t understand what it has been like all these years. I had to be the older brother. I had to be upstanding and normal, to carry on dad’s proud family name. I was the one they expected everything from, and demanded it always be perfect!”
Looking up, James points at the other man on stage, a new fire in his eyes. “But YOU! You were the youngest, the baby. Mom and dad gave you everything, and demanded NOTHING! You got to drop out, f**k off and play surfer boy, while I was sent for f*****g military school, and put through boot camp.”
“And you wanna know the funniest part? Mom knew. She knew all the time what I was, and it disgusted her. I got to see it in her eyes every damn day. She loved you, but she hated me. And now I’m done with it. I found someone that loves me for who and what I am, and I am done with lying. I am done with hiding. I am f*****g DONE with hurting my little brother because of our parent’s mistakes.”
Meanwhile the rage and blood drained from the younger brother’s face, as he watches his sibling slowly break down. The good son, the perfect soldier, falling apart in front of him. They both have tears running down their face as they run at one another again.
“I love you bro, I don’t care what you are!” Jim and James embrace, and the audience gives out a heartwrenching “Awwwww.”
Stepping in, Gerald takes the focus of the camera, and sets up for the commercial break. “Coming up next, our last couple have finally managed to find a place to get married, but are still fighting laws that say their love is not allowed. After the break, we will meet Nathan and Buttercup, the shetland pony.”
The camera switches to an image of a man holding the reins of a non-equestrian pony, who is wearing a saddle and white wedding dress. The scene cuts away to a preview of the upcoming scene, and the two sharing a sloppy kiss as the other four guests look on in horror, and the audience chants “Gerald! Gerald! Gerald!”
“Oh fuck that shit!” I let out a yell, turning the television off, before throwing the remote. “Equestrian ponies are one thing, but some people are just fucking sick.”
I watch as the remote manages to bounce off the wall and then roll back to my feet, just as the sound of the front door opening reaches me. I tense up, unsure how this will go, and not looking forward to the confrontation. It wasn’t a lie when I said Pinkie was one of my best friends at this point, and losing her would be hard. On the other hand, having her continue to force affections I just don't feel and interfering in my own pursuits would just make me even more miserable. There had to be a middle ground.
I heard hesitant hoofsteps as Pinkie entered the house, and made her way towards the living room. She had to know I was home from the car out front, and I got the feeling she was just as unsure as I.
“Louis? You home?” I heard her voice, sounding a bit more husky, as if she had been crying recently.
“In here, Pinks.” I responded, setting down my beer with a sigh.
As Pinkie entered the room, I saw that her hair was once again straight as a razor, and as attractive as it made her appear, the haunted look in her eyes ruined the effect. At first she just stared at me, looking as nervous as I felt, and then she looked like she was going to cry. Finally, I sighed and opened my arms for a hug. Launching herself at me, I was tackled hard enough to make the couch rock.
“I’m so sorry Louis, please don't be mad at me anymore!” As the pink mare whimpered into my shoulder, I stroked her hair.
“Pinkie, I’m not mad at you. And I’m the one that needs to apologize for what I did. You just were the first target I saw after I was hurt by that bitch, Amanda. I had no right to hit you like I did.” I lifted her chin to look at me.
“But it was all my fault! If I hadn't said those awful things, you wouldn't have gotten hurt, and left, and, and I thought you weren’t ever gonna come back!” She held me tighter, and I rolled my eyes.
“Pinkie, listen to me. Amanda was an evil bitch. You saw it, and you tried to warn me, but I was too stupid to notice. Sooner or later I woulda found out and been hurt. You just sorta pulled the bandage off quicker, and I wasn't ready for the shock.” Chuckling, I pulled her back so I could look at her with a wry grin. “And besides, this is my house. Of course I’d come back, you silly pony.”
Sniffling, she wiped her eyes as she chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that was pretty silly of me. You threatened to kick me out instead.”
“I just needed some time to work things out. I tend to do that best by myself, where I can't hurt my friends like I hurt you.” Finally getting the ghost of a smile, I booped her on the nose to make it grow.
“So how was it? Where did you go? Did you go on some epic quest to find your true purpose in life, scaling giant mountains and fighting evil monsters in the quest across an untamed land to find the great wizard on the mountain that gave you the answer you were looking for?” Pausing for breath, she beamed at me. “Cuz that's the kinda fun I wanna be part of! I can even sing a song about it.” And out of nowhere, she pulls an accordion. Okay, it may have come out of her hair, but I’m still not sure how.
Before she could burst into song, I quickly put my hand on her mouth. As well as this was going, I was still not in the mood for a musical number. “Wait! No songs.” She seemed to deflate along with the sound of her accordion, before the instrument was tossed aside, and the smile returned.
Her hair even seemed to me curling back into shape as she beamed. “Okie dokie! So what happened?”
“Applejack happened.” I deadpanned, rolling my eyes.
“Wait, what? She said she was gonna go find you, and give you a piece of her mind. She didn't hurt you did she?” Gasping, the pink mare began to growl, and I saw a fire light in her eyes.
“Nothing I didn't deserve, although I should probably get my fillings checked.” Seeing the look of anger grow I quickly laughed. “I’m kidding! We just talked. Mostly. Did some fishing, got drunk. But mostly just talked.” I sighed, shrugging. “Applejack gave me some pointers on how to love a pony, and stuff like that.”
“She WHAT?!” The anger was back, and I could see her back arching like a cat.
“That's not what I mean! Calm down, already. It was just some good friendly banter. She explained that you don't need sex like humans do, but just want some cuddling and attention. Hell, the way she made it sound, you were more like a big pet than a girlfriend.” I grinned.
All anger gone, Pinkie grinned sheepishly at me. “Oh, well that's fine. She’s mostly right. I really don't need sex when I’m not in season, not that I wouldn't mind a little fun. But if you aren't okay with it, I can definitely wait until then. It’s not like most ponies are exclusive and all. In fact, many still do the whole traditional herd thing. I’m just a little weird and sometimes get all jealous.” Sighing, she looked up at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry if I sometimes turn into a little greenie meanie pants. I’ll try not to let it get to me. I really don't mind being your little pony pet, as long as you scratch behind my ears!” Leaning in close, I happily scritched until her leg began to thump the couch.
As her hair fully curled into it’s normal mess, I saw the look of bliss cross her face, and couldn't help poke one last barb. “Well I’m glad that you finally accept you were acting silly and jealous, and I forgive you as long as you work to control it. Besides, I really didn't want you to flip out when you heard that I slept with Applejack.”
“WHAAAT!” In a flash, she was out of my arms, over the coffee table, and glaring at me as she snorted like a bull. I just laughed my ass off, as she realized I had been messing with her, and gave a brittle laugh.
“Really Pinkie, you are gonna have to work harder than that if you want to hang with me.” I shook my head.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Louis. I’ll work harder on it, I swear. It’s just, Applejack is my friend, and the idea that she slept with you, and I can't... It’s just not fair. I’m glad you were only joking.” With a deep sigh, she walked back around the table and flopped back onto the couch.
“Oh we really did sleep together.” The look of horror returned for a moment before I booped her nose. “We just didn't have sex. It was a small tent, we were both drunk, and she used me as a teddy bear. She really has as much interest in me as I do in her, so nothing happened.” Pulling Pinkie into another hug, I went on. “But you know, I learned something from her. I don't have to be in love, to love someone. And I don't have to have sex, or even be attracted to someone to share some affection.”
“Thanks Louis. That's all I ever wanted.” Sighing into my chest, I felt the pink mare relax into my arms.
“We’ll find a way to make it work, Pinkie. We just need time, and tolerance.” Leaning down, I kissed her gently on the forehead, getting an even bigger smile as she cuddled me with her eyes closed.
“Thanks Louis, thank you so much for being my bestest friend.”
“You’re welcome, Pinkie.” I sighed, and then rolled my eyes. “And Pinkie?”
“Yes, Louis?” She sweetly replied.
“Could you please stop grabbing my ass?”
“Woopsie!” She giggled, as I just shook my head.
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Wouldn't mind a slow shipping story, Would be nice to see if it does happen, them than trying to weather the shit/drama that will go down.
4283446
I can understand, but one of the things that Drax has already stated is that Louis is more or less not going to go down that road. I think the closest that any of us can really expect is to see a really close friendship. That said I can see Don hooking up with a pony. Hell, it would be fun to see him hook up with Lyra. I'd laugh my ass off at that one. I'm wondering if she would want to make him wear a collar and a leash... The way she's been written in the little spinoff certainly brings that idea to mind.
All in all I like this chapter. I did like the inclusion of the marriages. I have a feeling this sort of thing is going to explode all over. I don't doubt that we're going to be dealing with some right wing nutjobs before too long. I can actually see them doing some horrible stuff to Louis' lawn because he has a pony living with him. It wouldn't matter if he and Pinkie were knocking boots or not. What's really weird is that the city Louis is located in seems to be a mixture of acceptance and tolerance, and the small town that Rainbow Dash visited seems to be fairly more accepting, or at least the parts of it exposed have been.
All in all, great chapter.
- LF
thanks for the update!!
That's it! Pinkie is a stallion... seriously groping? I think she is seriously confused if she is a female or male or pegasus or unicorn or earth pony... And ultimately that's why she's so funneh.
That is what my brain instantly come up with...
4283582
Srsly... stop giving me ideas.Now I wanna write a "Careful what you wish for" kinda trope with Lyra and Don.
Might be worth a one-shot side chapter, unless someone else wants to write it.
4283714 Wait, what?
What does groping have to do with gender? She just thinks Louis has a nice ass.
4283798
I'd try it, but so far my additions to this little universe have been slightly more somber... Although... It could give rise to that one idea we discussed. I could see Lyra getting all kinds of excited about that.
Pretty slick, though the jerry springer thing kinda weirded me out, though i suppose that might have been the point, in which case, well done
So now we're gonna go back to the usual roommate slice of life stories, right?
awesome, Glad to see that things worked out
Only mistake i saw:
Pretty good chapter all in all.
Seeing how spin-offs are an option; how do you feel about writing a piece about human and griffin interaction in society?
Gotta say mate, whether you go the shipping route or not you've pretty solidly indicated you're shipping them. After the last chapter and now this one I think I'm heading off. You're still a great author and don't let anyone tell you otherwise without some constructive criticism to back it up but this just isn't my thing.
Hope you get lotsa attention and I'm definitely leaving my thumbs up.
4283798 tell me would it be a surprise if bon bon was dating a human to fact that lyra was right about them even existing
Every chapter of this is better than the last. I love this story; this is my favorite story on Fimfiction! I get so excited when this updates.
As far as the shipping route, I don't know. On one hand, I think it would be interesting to see them together. On the other, I think it would be just as interesting to see the both of them in a relationship with someone else. The dynamics for either would be really cool to read about.
As far as you needing an editor, I would be more than willing to offer my services, if you are interested.
Its, not it's. Those two are not interchangeable with each other
4283446
Yeah, I'd totally be down for something like that.
I could totally see this end on this note.
4285445
coincidence?!? I THINK NOT!
So after learning pinkie poisoned the cake to. "Have one last party" I was worried Louis would come home to see her totally unhinged, and when that didn't happen I was relieved...
And then I scrolled down a bit only to see your privilege picture
My face:
[youtube=JImcvtJzIK8]
Skip to 0:50 if you're too impatient to see the rest of the video.
Lsten to this while reading the chapter
4286372
Well, I think you might be reading to much into it. Here eat this mind erasing..I MEAN mind-blowing cupcake!
4283446
I would like to see this. to many stories have the human and pony fall in love within a week. some within a day.
4285087 Yes, yes, this is why I need an editor, it's a known bad habit of mine to accidentally type the wrong one, although not as bad as the time I mistakenly told my autocorrect to switch all of them to one. That was a mess. But hey, lysdexia FTL.
4284426 Funny, I dunno how you could know that, since even I dunno if Imma ship them yet. I was firmly against it for the longest time, but now I;m starting to warm to the idea. It will not be for a while though, if ever.
4284336 This is one of the things I have in my head that I haven't managed to weave into the world yet. I plan to add it as part of the background story at one point, but several other races have come through to our world, but migrated to other places. Ponies are primarily here in 'Merica, but the buffalo and zebra have been visiting Africa, Griffins are making friends in Eastern Europe, especially Germany, while a few of the smaller quadruped dragons have visited Western Europe, especially the UK. Serpents and Kirin have traveled to the far east, and Diamond Dogs have made a hope in the wilds of Australia. It's mostly headcanon and subject to change as I need it to fit the story, but that's how I'm planning to roll with it for now.
And for laughs, the Griffin capitol is named Griffindor.
4286372 Yea, basically she went to her friends, who calmed her down. That's why they tracked Louis down afterwards. Hopefully she will never let herself slide that far, now that she knows for certain her friends will always be there for her. But they still worry.
So, does this make up for the last chapter's endings? Wow. was there ever alotta butthurt!
Got some help editing the last chapter, hopefully for the better.
4286659 Heh, me and Lordfreiza are cooking up something like that. Brony meets pony.
brony falls for pony.
it ends badly.
4286969
... thats the thing with rainbow dash i'm guessing?
4287000 Naa, different story. Although LF has an idea for that as well. I'm leaving that to him, it's his piece of my universe. We are kicking around a Don/Lyra story. See earlier comments regarding leashes...
4287015
don... um... his friend at the store he works at right?
4287116 Yea, the token brony in the story
Question.
The hell is wrong with end of chapter? Are these comments by your editor and you and somehow they got placed in text?
D'aww. Nice chapter.
One thing: There's a HUGE blob of what appears to be Google Docs notations splattered right between the end of the chapter and the A/N. Might wanna clear those out.
4287463 please no cuts off hands and eats them........
*highly unamused glare*
Nice.
4287535 Woopsie, I forgot that FimFiction does that when you use the import feature.
FIX'D!
4287900
4286677 You heavily imply it and combined with the repeated fact that he claims she tried to rape him and he's fine with it and that thus far every one of the main 6 have wanted to sleep with him, means this is turning into a fic I'm no longer interested in reading. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but it sees you have plenty of folks who do enjoy it so i wouldn't worry too much about a single dissenter. Especially since I can respect this is a good story and give it a thumbs up.
more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please
Really enjoyed this chapter, had the slice of life and comedy balanced really well and even gave a nice character build to Applejack, though I am sure she can hold her liquor better than that!
Look forward to the next chapter, now that the two seem to have sorted things out.
10/10
4288340 Not sure if you are reading the same story... He is definitely not okay with Pinkie almost raping him, but has dealt with women that arnt in control of themselves before, so just writes it off as a one time thing, due to heat. Same as having a drunk friend hitting on you. You shrug it off, and make fun of them the next day when they can barely remember it.
As for the rest of the mane 6, he hasnt even met Twilight, Rarity, or Fluttershy, Applejack points out that she's not into humans, and Rainbow Dash admits he's not her type, and was only doing it for the challenge. Only Pinkie really tries to make a pass at him, and as I explain in this chapter, it's not really for sex. (Not that she'd say no
)
So you may have missed the lesson that AJ was trying to get across, most ponies have platonic relationships outside of mating season, with some exceptions. It's all about the cuddling, sex is just a bonus.
4289471
I confess I'm not really interested in debating this any more. I'm happy to agree to disagree and move on.
4286577
... Who am I?
4291188 Well that worked. Do you still remember how to be fancy and a fox? And fine dining and breathing?
Hey kids! Go here now to vote for the next chapter idea!
(or at least help me order them)
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/315283/stroke-my-poll
4292240 Well some ponies obviously do find humans attractive. AJ just isn't one of them.
And I really wish i had just made up that Jerry Springer episode. I actually parodied a real episode, which unfortunately has been taken down from youtube.
But hey, you can buy it on Amazon!
This fic has actually caused me to laugh out on numerous occasions.
Kind of awkward when people start looking at you like your crazy, ya know? 
This is definitely going into the favorites!