Prologue: Room for Rent

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Being awakened at eight in the morning may be normal for some folks, but on my day off I like to sleep in. I was not in the best of moods as I trudged across the floor to answer the insistent knocking, and I certainly was not prepared for what met me.

“Whaddaya want?” I muttered, as I blinked bleary eyes at the empty air in front of me. A moment passed before I thought to look down, and was greeted by the pinkest thing I had ever seen. Rubbing my eyes, I refocused on my visitor and saw it staring back at me with a huge grin.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” A voice that was way too chipper and high pitched for this early in the morning issued forth, causing me to flinch.

“Uhh, hi. Name’s Louis, what’s up?” I muttered back. My brain was trying to process what I was seeing, and managed to dredge up news articles about these creatures. Something about some weirdos breaking into a government lab and creating a portal to another world, filled with colorful creatures from a cartoon. Of course, the real creatures looked as much like the cartoon as I looked like a character from a Popeye. Small, cloven hooves, shaggy coats, and roundish heads sporting large, liquid eyes made them look more like mutated deer than the ponies they claimed to be. And now one was standing on my doorstep.

Her eyes (I decided the voice seemed female) grew wide, and suddenly she gasped, standing on her hind hooves and leaning forward to smash her muzzle into each of my cheeks. “Bonjour! I am so happy to meet you, Loo-ees!”

Shocked, I took a step back and wiped what I was sure to be pony drool off my face. “What the hell was that?”

“Oh, my friend, Rainbow Dash, told me that was how French humans greeted each other. She said it was called a French Kiss!” Sitting back on her butt, she beamed proudly at me.

“Whoah, woah woah. First off, I am not French. I was born and raised one hundred percent American. Second, that was not a French kiss. Third, I don’t know many French people, but I am sure a French kiss is NOT how they greet one another.” Shaking my head in disbelief, I was starting to wonder if this was some sort of elaborate prank. I wondered where one could could possibly be hiding cameras in my front yard.

“Oh well, my mistake. So what is a French kiss then? Can you show me?” She blinked with a blank look on her face. Nobody could be that stupid.

“Not enough alcohol in the world.” I shook my head. “No way I’mma french a horse.”

Her entire body wilted and her ears went flat against her head, a look of total dejection clear on her alien face. “Oh. Well you don’t need to be so mean about it.”

“What? I just don’t have a thing for horses. Nothing personal.” I shrugged. The resultant flinch warned me I had said the wrong thing. “What did I say?”

“Oh, it’s just, being called a horse is a really bad thing where I come from.” She straightened a bit, still hiding a quaver in her voice. “It would be like me calling you a stupid monkey that throws his poo at everypony.”

“Hey! That was one time!” I shook my finger at her, getting another flinch. “And I swear, someone put something in my drink! I don't even know how I woke up in that zoo.”

A bit of a smile creeped back onto her face, as she wrinkled her nose at me adorably. “Eew?”

“Nevermind that. So horse is the N-word for you, I apologize. Won’t happen again.” Filing the info away for later, I stuck out my hand for a customary human shake without thinking. She smiled and took it eagerly. “So, what brings you here anyway, little pony?”

“Oh, I forgot!” Stretching her rather long neck around behind herself, she fished around in the bag on her back, pulling out a newspaper. A big red square was drawn around an article I had published just the night before, along with several balloons and smiley faces around it. “Ahm hee ferr duh roomf!”

Taking the paper from her mouth, rather surprised it had remained dry, I looked at the classified ad, and then up at the date. It was today’s paper. The ad lady had told me it would be at least a week before the ad would run, and to expect at least a month before I received any serious offers. Then again, does a bubblegum-pink alien from another dimension count as serious? Was I even awake?

“Oh. Umm. Yea.” I floundered as the pink mare just beamed up at me, the earlier awkwardness seemingly forgotten. I stepped back, waving her into the room, and I swear as she bounced behind me, I heard some sort of spring noise.

As I flopped into my favorite chair, the bouncy mare landed on the couch across from me, still beaming like a sociopath about to kill a kitten. For a moment the thought of having an animal rubbing it’s rear all over my clean furniture occurred to me, before a tidbit from the news article came back; Apparently in our uptight society, the idea of another sentient race running around naked was brought up, and it was revealed that most of the ponies wore thong-like undergarments to hide their naughty bits. This was especially a relief considering the anatomy of the males. Fuck, now I was thinking about pony anatomy.

Keeping my eyes on the face of my guest, I cleared my throat. “Ahem. So you are here about the spare room?”

“Yeppers, most of my friends are here on Earth as a sorta exchange program, as the ‘Ambassadors of Harmony’, or something.” I was almost hypnotized by how her entire body seemed to move like a hyperactive jello sculpture, especially her hair. It didn't exactly look like the pictures of the cartoon I had seen, but then very little about these creatures did. It was a cartoon caricature after all. Instead of a large poofy mass, the individual finger curls flopped around in all directions like the wig on a giant pink cupie-doll.

The next thing I knew, I was getting a close up of another difference from the show, a large pink hoof. “Hello, Louie? You kinda spaced out there a moment.” I blinked at the cloven appendage and mumbled an apology.

“Sorry, still kinda early.”

“Oh, that’s ok. I’m getting used to all kinda stares and stuff. But that’s okay, because I’m also making lotsa new friends!” She bounced backwards to the couch again in a single fluid motion. “So anyway, I was saying how since I didn't have any special politic-ey type agendas like my friends Rarity and Twilight, I was gonna just do what I do best and make lotsa friends! But you can’t make friends unless you leap into the thick of things and meet lotsa ponies! Oh, I mean people!”

I felt my eyes glazing over again and I was starting to regret my late night of internet surfing and gaming. It didn't help that her energetic prattle made me instinctively want to tune her out. She was definitely a morning person. I hated morning people, but the mortgage wasn't gonna pay itself, and if she was some sorta celebrity, she should have money.

“So.” I interrupted, “Here’s the deal, the rent is five hundred a month, plus half the utilities. I keep a clean house, and expect it to stay that way. What you do in your room is your business, but if you break anything or attract vermin, you will pay for the cleanup. Also, if you are bringing anyone over, call ahead so that I know.” So far solemn nods were my only reply, so I continued. “Public areas are shared, as is the responsibility of keeping them clean. You make a mess, you clean it up. Trash goes out on Mondays and Thursdays, and it’s your turn on Thursday to make sure it goes out.” still more nods, and the longest stretch of silence yet. It was becoming a bit uncomfortable. “Finally, if you have any addictions, you can walk right out the door now. My house is clean in more ways than one, and I will not tolerate any drugs.” Again, the nod, so I dropped the final bomb. “Oh, and you will need to have a job. I don't care who you are or how rich you are, but my parents raised me that idleness causes trouble. If you wanna live here, you gotta work. Deal?”

After a moment of silence, I watched as my tirade sunk in, and the gears were practically spinning in the pink mare’s head. Finally she blinked, and grinned that creepy grin of hers again. “Okie, Dokie, Loki!” And she stuck out her hoof for a shake.

Taking it warily, I gave it a firm shake, and sat back down. “So, what do you plan to do?”

“Well I get plenty of money from my royal stipend as an ambassador, but I don’t like to sit still either.” A raised eyebrow was my only reaction to that understatement. “So tomorrow I have a job interview, and for now I have enough for a few month’s rent.” She pulled out a purse from her bags, and fished out a gold coin. My eyes went wide as I realized the value of such a large chunk of gold. “Woopsie! Wrong purse. Need to take this to the bank and get it exchanged.” I would swear that it had been a calculated move on her part, if only I could believe such a scatterbrained ditz could possibly be that subtle.

Finally she pulled out another purse, and handed over a stack of currency that made my eye twitch. There was easily several thousand dollars in large bills in a single stack. She smiled sweetly at me and slid them across the intervening coffee table at me. “Is that enough? I’m still learning the money you use around here.”

I nearly choked at her naivete, and failed to stop myself from facepalming. Carefully I picked up the stack, counted out first and last month’s rent, and slid the rest back to her. “I am gonna recommend you talk to a banker as soon as possible. Never carry around that kinda cash, and don't ever let anyone see those coins.” I sighed at the look of confusion on her face. “I don’t know what things are like where you come from, but that is enough money to make even good people think about doing bad things to get their hands on it. You seem like a nice kid, and I’d hate to see you taken advantage of.” That got a smile from her. “Get a bank card, use that to buy things, never carry more than twenty bucks cash on you for emergencies.”

The next moment I was rocked back in my chair as I was slammed by a pink missile. I swear I felt my ribs creak, and my back popped itself wonderfully back into alignment as the tackle-hug forced the breath from my lungs.

“Thanks Louie! I knew you would be a great friend!”

I managed to choke out something even I didn’t understand, and suddenly the pressure was released. I coughed and saw my assailant sitting back across the room in the couch as if nothing had ever happened, still grinning.

“Louis.” I managed to choke out, still trying to decide if I wanted to be angry at the assault. She did pop my sore back, after all.

“Wat?” She tilted her head, like a cute pink puppy dog, and looked at me.

“My name is Louis, not Louie. Louie is some two-bit gangster thug name.” I explained, finally getting my wind back. “I took alotta shit growing up for my name, and now I earned the right to use it.”

“Oh, okies Louis.” I had to chuckle as she still managed to make the name sound like ‘Loo-ees’.

Shaking my head, I got up and motioned her to follow. “Okay, time for the Tour. For now we will consider this a trial run. You can stay for one week, and if things work out, I will have a lease written up and we can make it permanent. Until then, you are on probation. I have never lived with a pony, and I don’t know how many humans you have lived with, but I tend to be strict, but fair. You okay with that?”

“Yeppers! You are my first human friend, and I can tell we are gonna get along great!” She bounced in place like some demented pogo stick, and I heard that squeaky spring noise again.

I deadpanned, and gave her my best sober stare. It was hard not to smile around the little creature as she exuded cheer and energy. “Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves here. This is first a business relationship. Friends is a bit stronger word than I am willing to use without knowing someone better. I have few friends, but every one is worth more than the world to me. Friendship for me is like respect and love. They are EARNED, not given.”

Her ears did that little wilting thing again at my little speech, but perked back up at the end. Suddenly she stood straight, plastered a Serious-Sam look on her face, and saluted with one hoof. “Yes SIR! I will do my best to earn both your respect, and your friendship!” Her face finally melted into her normal smile, and she giggled playfully.

The dam finally broke, and I smiled in return, also returning the salute. “I think we are gonna get along just fine, Pinkie.”

We continued the tour, Pinkie nearly exploding across the kitchen when she saw all the fancy appliances. My mom was a home shopping addict, so we had every sort of gizmo imaginable. I barely learned to cook ramen, so most of it went unused in her absence. My new roommate proclaimed to be a world class baker and cook, so I told her to go for it. I did insist she clean up, as well as wash her hooves before touching food.

Next step was the bathroom. I paused a moment trying to think about how to word what I wanted to say, but then decided to be blunt. “So, um, Pinkie? Are you, you know, housebroken?” I just got a blank stare in return. “I don’t wanna be rude, but do you know how to use human toilets?”

Comprehension dawned and her face lit up, with a bit of blushing. “Oh yeah! I had to take some classes to learn how to do things in the human world, and part of the class was on potty etiquette. The toilets you use are a bit different, but pony plumbing is basically the same. It wasn't too hard to learn.” She smiled sheepishly at me again. “And yes, I always wash my hoofsies!”

“Well, umm, that's good. I guess.” Unsure what else to say. “So, this is your own private bathroom. Feel free to decorate how you want, but you have to buy your own stuff. There’s a few rolls of TP and some soap to get you started, but you need to buy the rest.”

“Oooh, yay! I’ve never had my own bathroom before. When I was a filly, I shared one with my sisters, and the Cakes never did finish the guest bathroom.” She gushed.

“Yea, well knock yourself out. Just keep it clean, and smelling fresh.” I received a nod in return.

And next is your bedroom.” I gave the grand reveal, showing off my old room. It still had a bit of a teenage boy decor, with some posters and a nondescript green wallpaper. My old bed was stripped down, but still functional. “It used to be mine, so it's still got guy colors. If you want to repaint, I will go in half on supplies. Just don't tear down any walls.”

“Oh, oh, oh! Can I paint it pink? Cuz’ pink is totally my favorite color!” I rolled my eyes at such an obvious choice.

“Sure, knock yourself out, but please keep the paint off the carpet.” Sighing, I realized this must be what it was like to have a younger sister.

The rest of the day went relatively smooth. I ran some errands, and helped Pinkie buy some stuff for her room. The bank would have to wait until the weekend was over, so I let her keep the money in my safe. Surprisingly, she had brought almost nothing with her, and so she had to order quite a few things since ponies still were not common enough to be a target market at most stores. She was cheerful enough, and other than refusing to let her remodel the house, we got along well. All in all I was feeling good about my new roommate, but exhausted by her sheer energy, and at the end of the day I slept like the dead.

Dawn of the First Day

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The next morning I woke to the smell of home-cooked food and for a moment I was wondering who had broken into my house to cook. The smell made me miss my mom’s cooking, and motivated me to get out of bed. Dragging myself to the kitchen, I was greeted to the sight of a full breakfast spread for at least two people: pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, juice and all the other goodies one only ever see on cooking magazines. Even the table was covered in cloth, and place settings meticulously set on the table. Hell, there was even a flower in a vase. I don’t own a vase. I swear it was like Martha Stewart invaded my home and started filming a cooking show.

But instead of the wizened old matriarch, I saw at the stove a pink ball of fur, wearing a white apron and poofy chef’s hat. She wore a hair net over her tail and mane, and turned to me with her trademark grin.

“Morning sleepyhead! Breakfast is almost ready, and I was afraid I was gonna have to drag you out of your room to eat!” With the practiced skill of a carnival juggler, she dropped to all four hooves as she tossed a plate of warm rolls she had just pulled from the oven onto the table, and not a single crumb was dislodged.

“Holy hell, Pinkie! Where did you get so much food? I wasn't going shopping until tomorrow, and I sure as hell didn’t have this much food.” My mind boggled at the sheer amount of food, as well as the near-perfect artistic layout of every plate and platter. It was as if I was standing in the way of a photo shoot.

“Oh, I am used to getting up early from working at the bakery fo the cakes. So I got up, and trotted down to the market down the street. The boy there was real nice, and apparently a big fan of mine!” Beaming, she slid her way into a chair across from me, and started loading her own plate with food. I was not sure what confused me more, the way she handled the utensils with hooves, or the fact that she was loading things like bacon and sausage on her plate.

“Wait, you are a pony, right?” She nodded vigorously, the poofy chef hat bobbing on her head, but never coming loose. “Aren’t ponies supposed to be vegetarians? I mean you do know what bacon is, right?”

“Oh no no, ponies on my world are omnivores, same as humans.” She grinned again, and I realized why her smile was so creepy; she had canines. Small ones, and barely noticeable among the flat teeth. In fact, her teeth looked more like those of a human than a pony. “It’s just, when almost every animal can think and talk back, eating meat is very bad. Not to mention, when you are friends with Fluttershy, eating anything that can feel can get ugly really, really fast. There are a few things we eat, but it’s rare and very expensive.” She snagged a sausage link and popped it into her mouth whole. “So imagine my delight when I found an entire meat market!” The look on my face was one of horror and I think it finally sank in. She smiled sheepishly and relented in her tirade. “Uh, yea. But mostly, we are vegetarian.” Scratching her head she looked confused a moment. “Except for Rainbow Dash. She says she’s a vagitarian, whatever that is.”

My spit-take was epic.

Sidestepping that social land mine, I attempted to change the subject as Pinkie totally ignored the juice now dripping off of her face. “So, you have mentioned your friends quite a bit. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Twilight. What are they like?”

“Oh! Yeah, we all got picked to be ambassadors to this new place, since we were already kinda famous and all. Twilight is off studying egghead stuff at some of the big colleges and scienc-y places. My friend Rarity is hanging with royalty over in Egg-land, and learning fashion stuff in Prance.” I nodded, trying not to laugh as she got the names wrong. Applejack is doing farmer stuff, as usual. They wanna find out what kinda crops will grow in each world, so they can start trading them. Fluttershy stayed behind to watch all of our pets. They won’t let her come here, and she is too afraid to come anyway. They are all worries she will join some guy named Peter, and use the stare on everypony. She’s a big animal lover like that.”

“I think you mean PETA.” I replied with a chuckle.

“Yea them! They don't want her to go all psycho animal lover and brain wipe everypony into hugging puppies or something.” She shuddered at the thought. “For being the kindest, gentlest pony in existence, Fluttershy can be scary sometimes.”

Dreading the response, I warily prompted, “And Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh! Rainbow Dash is living in some place called Caulifloweria, doing all sorta shows and parades. She told me she ‘finally found her people’, whatever that means.” Scratching her head, she cocked a questioning eye at me. “Are there pegasi in San Fajita? I thought there weren’t any ponies in your world.”

At this point I could barely hold back the laughs and tears were forming in my eyes. “Okay Pinkie, lemme just stop you there for a moment. First off, it's San Francisco, in California. Secondly, there are no ponies, at least not sentient ones, in our world. The only thing we have are small horses, and they are totally unrelated to you and your friends.” I paused to catch my breath, still hurting from the suppressed laughter. “Finally, with a name like Rainbow, I am sure there are only one kinda people that would claim her as one of their own, and I know exactly the kind of parades she is in.”

“Oh really? Are they pony parades? Do people worship rainbows and stuff there?” The innocent look was just too much and I finally broke down laughing. “What? Whats so funny? Tell me!”

After a few moments, I caught my breath and tried my best to explain. “Pinkie, San Francisco is notorious for having a rather large population of alternative lifestyle people.”

The look of confusion remained.

“I think your friend is gay, Pinkie.”

“Oh! Of course she’s gay. All of my friends are happy, and I make it my personal mission to make sure they stay happy all the time!” The dawn of a new smile graced her face as she inflated with pride.

I’m sure I left a mark when I facepalmed. “No, Pinkie. I think she likes girls.”

“Well of course she liked girls. Doesn’t everypony?” Her look darkened, as she frowned at me. “You aren’t one of those meanie girl-haters are you?”

“No Pinkie.” I sighed, “I mean she REALLY likes girls, as in having relations.”

“That's silly. She has a mom, and she's related, so of course she has relations.” Crossing her hooves, she still looked at me puzzled.

“I dunno how not to be blunt about this, but I am all outta euphemisms.” I threw up my hands in defeat.

“Ooh, Ruffie-isms? My friend Zecora told me about those.” She shook her head at the memory. “She says they can make a pony do silly things, and bad ponies can use them on you to do bad things. But I tried them once with Dashie, and things got kinda warm and fuzzy. I don’t know how I woke up in her bed, but she assures me we had a good time at the party.” She paused for effect and stroked at an imaginary beard. “I mean I REALLY don’t know how I got there since her bed is in a house made of clouds...”

She was cut off as my head hit the table with a resounding thunk. Finally I gave up being nice and just blurted it out, “SHE HAS SEX WITH FEMALES!”

The loud, shocked gasp made my head shoot up to look at her as she seemed to inflate, her eyes going impossibly wide. Suddenly like a switch was thrown, she returned to normal and smiled at me.

“Oh, I knew that. Everypony in Ponyville does, although we don't talk about it.” Taking on a matter-of-fact tone, she nodded at me. “What happens once the barn door is closed is nopony’s business.”

I just stared in shock, my mouth moving silently for a moment before I got my bearings again. “Okay, moving on. I need to get ready for work, and I am totally stuffed. Thank you very much for this awesome breakfast, but this is far more than the two of us can eat.” Waving at the massive spread, I grinned at my roommate.

“Oh, it’s no problem! I love making food for my friends, because a full belly makes them happy!” She looked over the table with a widening grin and giggled just a bit too loudly. “I’ll take care of the rest.” And suddenly without warning I was in the middle of some sick hentai nightmare, as her mouth opened impossibly wide, and a massive orange tongue show out. It deftly circled the table, and withdrew into the gaping maw bringing all the remaining food with it. I admit, I screamed like a bitch, and may have peed myself just a little bit. That shit was scary!

Just as quick as it happened it was over, and my pink guest let out a massive belch, as she stared dazedly out at nothing. Her belly had grown massively distended, as if she were pregnant and about to give birth. When she patted her torso, it sloshed and jiggled grotesquely.

Suddenly her eyes grew wide again, and her irises contracted to pinpoints. “Uh-oh!”

“What?” I began backing away, afraid she was going to explode like some bad B-grade horror flick.

“Gotta poop!” was all I heard before she vanished in a pink blur towards her rooms, leaving the apron and chef hat spinning in the air like something out of a Warner Brothers cartoon. I heard the door slam, and a long low groan from down the hall. I couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh as I realized nothing horrific was going to happen to me.

I made my way to my own room, and started my preparations of work, glad the walls were thick enough to shelter me from the sounds down the hall. I couldn't help but think of the old chinese curse: “May you live in interesting times.” Living with Pinkie sure was going to be interesting indeed.

After my morning rituals, including a nice long hot shower, I was ready to face the day. There was no sign of my new house guest, and I assumed she had left for the job interview she has mentioned. I silently wished her the best of luck, knowing how hard the job market could be, and knowing that anyone not an ass-kissing corporate drone had an even harder time getting hired. Then again, she was a bit of a celebrity, so maybe she would get hired as a TV personality.

The daily commute was average, with its mix of old farts doing ten miles under the limit, and younger fucktards driving ten over, while texting. Soon it was over and I arrived at my glorious place of employment, Pencils. Sure, it was a corporate mega-store slowly crushing the American dream out of every small business owner with its bulk deals and cut-throat prices, but it paid my bills. Well, some of them. Fuck, I hate retail.

Putting on my well-worn fake smile, I strolled in nodding to my co-workers. There was the usual suspects, the overly cheerful cashier, the older-than-dirt customer service guy, the clueless manager. And then there was Don. Don is one of the smartest people I know, despite being younger than me, and the head of the electronics department. Don is a Brony. He’s tried many times to get me to join his obsessive little club, and watch his favorite show. Granted, now much of the fandom revolves around reality shows filmed in the real Equestria, but most of the die-hards still wax nostalgic about the original show. Don wasn't one of those. He had embraced the new age of real ponies on earth, and renewed his efforts to get me involved. He was gonna have a cow when I broke the news.

My usual swagger brought me past the tech bench, where the cheerful smile of my brony friend was met with a wave. “Heya Don, hows it hangin?”

“Not bad Louis, hows the hunt for a new roommate?”

“Actually, it’s going good, already got someone ready to move in. You will never guess who answered the ad.” I leaned on the counter, and grinned mischievously.

“Oh really? that was fast. I thought you said it would take a week?” He fixed his glasses and leaned on the other side of the counter from me. “So, who is it, anyone I know? It’s not that chick from the Copy Center is it?”

“Naw, it's a chick, but she doesn’t work here. Pretty sure there's rules against it anyway. Lemme say though it’s a new immigrant, and she’s pretty famous.” My smile grew as I saw the gears grinding in his head. He was gonna get it, he was smart like that.

“No way! You got a pony living with you?” My grin got even wider in response. I have this trick of making people piss themselves with my psycho grin. I was glad there were no customers around to see me now.

“Yes indeed, and I bet you're jealous aren't you?” I laughed at the look of shock on his face. “Even better, it’s your favorite pony from the show!”

“Holy Shit!” he burst out, before catching himself and lowering his voice. “Holy shit, you got Rainbow Dash as a Roommate?”

My smile dropped and I blinked for a moment. “What? No! I thought your favorite was Pinkie Pie?” I shook my head. “Shit man, you know I don't actually watch the show.” His flinch told me I had said something wrong. “What?”

“Ouch dude. Pinkie Pie is the crazy one.” He shook his head. “You know the comic relief spaz that is in every cartoon? That’s Pinkie. There’s still debate on whether she’s schizo after what happened in Party of One. She kinda went insane for a while.”

“What?” I shook my head. “She’s a little high strung and spastic, but no different than half of our customers. She’s actually quite friendly, and cute once you get know her. I think that...” I stopped talking at the look on my friend’s face. “She’s standing behind me, isn't she?” His slow nod was all the answer I needed.

Turning around I saw Pinkie wearing a frilly doll dress, blushing as she slowly ground a hoof on the floor and looking shyly at me with half lidded eyes. “You think I’m cute?”

I facepalmed as my friend started to burst into laughter. “Wait, what? That’s not what I meant! I told you I’m not into hor-erm, ponies. I meant cute like a puppy. A very hyperactive puppy.”

Her entire manner changed instantly, as she bounced into the air grinning. “Oh, can we get a puppy? I always wanted a cute little puppy to play fetch with and I really miss Gummy, my pet alligator, and we can take him on walks and take turns teaching him tricks and...mph!”

I managed to stop the bouncing and the verbal avalanche by grabbing her muzzle. She stared at me with wide eyes while still trying to grin around my hand. “No.” Slowly I removed my hand, ready to staunch the flow of words again if needed.

“But, but...” She began to stammer.

“NO!” I firmly responded. “First off, there is no we. You are my roommate, and on probation at that. This is a business relationship. You pay rent, you get a room, and we try our best not to get on each other’s nerves. Second, there is no way in hell I am letting some shoe-chewing, slobber-dripping, carpet-pooping flea farm into my house. Before my parents moved on, they left me that house, and made me promise to take care of it. It’s all I have left, and I will not let it get destroyed by animals. No offense.”

“Oh, I am so sorry! I never knew your parents were dead. And the house is all you have left to remember them!” The pink pony practically fell apart in front of me, beginning to tear up.

“Dude, I thought your parents moved to Boca?” Don was leaning over my shoulder looking at the distraught mare.

I rolled my eyes and took a deep sigh. “I never said my parents were dead. I said they moved on, as in retired. They worked in real-estate and own five houses. They just moved on to one in a better climate.”

Again, as if a switch were thrown, the water works were gone and the happy smile was back. “Okay!” And suddenly I couldn’t breath as I was being violently hugged.

After prying the pink off of me, much to Don’s amusement, I knelt down to look her in the eye. “So what brings you here? I’m about to clock in for work, so I can't hang out right now.”

“Oh, I just came from my interview, and I saw you walk in here, so I decided to come in and tell you I got the job!” I just blinked, wondering how she got that all in one breath.

“So, um, congratulations. Where are you working?”

“Duhh? Party City!” She leaped into the air, and balloons flew out of her bags. I blinked for a moment stunned as I wondered how they got in there while fully inflated.

“Wait, as in the store next to us?” Her spastic nod was my response.

“Yea, isn't it cool? We can work right next to each other, and we can have lunch together, and I get to do what I have always been best at: Throwing parties!”

“Wow. So what will you be doing?” I just was having trouble seeing her being able to help much in retail.

“Well at first I will be helping customers find stuff. They already got balloons and cards with my face on them.” Under her breath she muttered darkly, “Although I think I need to talk to my lawyer about that.” Then back to her normal self, “Later they want me to help with children’s parties, as entertainment and planning games and such. I already had loads of people asking for me to throw them parties, and even this one creepy guy that wanted to have a private party.” She scratched her head, and Don chuckled darkly as I facepalmed. “Although Susan said that wasn't the kinda parties we catered to, and that I shouldn't talk to that guy because he was a registered offender and she was gonna call the cops if he came back again.”

“It sounds like Susan knew what she was talking about. There are some bad people out there, and you need to be careful.” I tried my best to sound serious, when all I wanted to do was laugh. Don didn't have the same compunction, and was laughing his ass off.

“Yea, besides, I told him I am a pony, not a donkey, so I can’t do that kinda show. Although I could probably get my friend Cranky to help out.” At that point I just walked away, leaving a confused pony and a hysterically laughing human behind.

“That’s it, I’m off to work!” and I headed towards the break room to change.

After returning from my transformation into a corporate drone, I found both Don and Pinkie absent. I was not surprised that my fellow wage slave jumped at the opportunity to fulfill his brony dreams of hanging out with a pony and clocked out before I was even on duty. Besides, I had a line of customers all crying for blood to attend to, and brainless managers to appease. It was a normal day in retail.

Soon enough the pathetic shift was over and the store was closed. I had rounded up the last of the mindless zombies that were haunting my store and made my department presentable. It was time to head home for some beer, and a little mindless web surfing to ease the pain of my existence. The drive was only mildly less annoying with the lack of fucktards on the road, but offset by the lurking cops and longer stop lights. Soon enough, home was within my grasp, and I was ready to unwind.

What I was not prepared for was an unlocked door, and a ransacked house. Unlike the morning’s obsessive attention to detail and picturesque spread of food, I was instead greeted by a home defiled by half-assed decorations and a kitchen that looked as if someone had played a few games of Call of Duty in it. With live hand grenades. There was a massive cake in the middle of my kitchen table, mostly frosted, but with utensils and batter strewn about. Balloons and streamers hung limply and half attached to random points around the room, as other viscera were plastered on the floor and walls. It was as if a fraternity had thrown the world’s biggest kegger for a six year old girl, and then everyone had been evicted by the cops in the middle of the party.

Seriously, I can’t even begin to make this shit up. My inner neat freak was about to explode and murder anyone it saw on its rampage to clean the mess I found. I was pissed. Someone... No, SomePONY was about the get the tip of my steel toes upside their colon. And then I would decide if I needed to call the cops, or the coroner. Maybe both.

Needless to say, I was starting to wonder what barbequed pony tasted like as I started to look for a broom to clean the mess, and was halted by the sound of a thump coming from my cabinets. I slowly reached for my mom’s old cast iron frying pan as I carefully inched toward the door nearest my fridge. With a sudden motion, I yanked the door open and brandished the blunt object of pony slaying (+2) and yelled at the top of my lungs. I was met with a shelf full of pink fur, and some rather startled blue eyes.

“Surprise!” The compacted mare greeted me with a rather sheepish grin.

“Nope.” I immediately closed the door, and turned to walk away. I was in no mood to deal with this kind of shit, and was willing to let it stay till morning.

“Um, help? Please?” The plaintive cry came from the cupboard as I began to walk away. “I’m kinda stuck. Oh please don't leave me. I really gotta pee!”

Stopping, I took a deep breath, then let it out in a long, weary sigh. Returning to the cabinet, I slowly opened it to reveal the wall of pink staring at me plaintively. I glared dispassionately at the lodged pony and cocked a cynical eyebrow.

“Do I even want to know?”

“Well, I sorta wanted to throw you a surprise party to celebrate moving in together, and me getting a job. I baked a cake like I usually do for my friends, and then hid in a small spot to surprise you. But it didn't work out like it usually does back home and I can’t get out and nowIgottpeecanyoupleasegetmeout!” The verbal assault became more high pitched and frantic till the end.

“And what have you learned?” I casually asked, trying my best deadpan voice.

“Umm, surprise party magic doesn't work here?” The pink mare replied, pleading as best as she could.

“Good enough. Also, I hate surprises, so don't try this again.” I sighed, trying to figure the best way to dislodge the parcel of fur from the compact space. I settled on pulling a hoof, oddly tucked under her chin. At first, she grunted, and squeezed her eyes shut in concentration, and then suddenly I felt something give as the entire bundle of furry pony popped free and landed on my chest, bowling me over.

“Thanks, Louie! I owe ya one! Gottapeebye!” She shouted as the pink blue vanished from my chest and off into the depths of the house.

Brushing myself off, I muttered to nobody in particular, “It’s Louis. Stupid pony.” and ambled over to inspect the cake. It was a rather sad looking thing, apparently made at least in part from ice cream. The supporting core must have melted, leaving it leaning dangerously to one side as the frosting and fondant tried desperately to hold it together. As I watched, one of the three layers made a break for it and slid to the table, and then onto the floor with a series of wet plops.

I shook my head in disdain as I surveyed the disaster. Streamers hung limply, weighted down by air-filled balloons. Confetti littered the floor and drifted forlornly from the cabinet I had rescued Pinkie from, looking like debris from a clown explosion as it fluttered across the room. I was staring a bit shell shocked at the mess, as well as the large banner that stretched across the room welcoming me home. My neat, orderly kitchen looked as if Mardi Gras had exploded, twice.

That was when I noticed the sobbing, and I was snapped from my stupor. Following it down the hall, I was led to Pinkie’s bathroom. I could hear her crying over the sound of running water in the sink, and I decided to knock.

“You okay in there Pinkie?” I asked worriedly.

I heard the water stop, and a few sniffles, before receiving an answer. “Y-yes. Um... No. I-I’m sorry.”

I sighed, and tapped again on the door, “Can I come in?”

I heard the toilet flush, and then the door opened to reveal a rather disturbing sight. The fluffy fur was still there, but her mane and tail were now straight and lifeless, while twin streams of dampness coursed down her face. The usual smile was also missing as she looked up to me with more tears in her eyes, threatening to overflow.

Kneeling down in front of her, I looked her in the eye. “What’s wrong Pinkie? What happened?”

“I-I wa-was t-trying to throw you a p-party. *hic* B-but it all went wrong! I’m so sorry Louis, I don't know what went wrong.” She began to sob again and I pulled her into a hug. I wasn't sure what else to do, but here was someone distraught and crying, so I did the first thing that came to mind.

“Just calm down. I’m not even mad, Pinkie, just a little confused.” I sighed and stroked the limp hair as she slowly shook with sobs into my shoulder. “Just go slow and tell me what happened.”

After a few more minutes, the sobbing stopped and she stepped away with red eyes and a face full of wet fur. Finally after a few deep breaths, she managed to find her voice and start her tale.

“Well, I wanted to throw you a party to thank you for letting me stay here, and to celebrate getting my new job. It’s my special talent; throwing parties and making ponies smile. I do it all the time for my friends back home, but this time nothing would go right. First the balloons wouldn't float when I blew them up like back home, and then the cake got all melty when I put the ice cream in it. Also the streamers wouldn't stick right like they are supposed to. And then finally, when I was practicing hiding to surprise you when you got home, I got all stuck, and couldn't breathe, and I was so scared and had to pee and the darkness was so scaryandlaughingdidntmakethescarythoughtsinmyheadgoaway....”

I saw her start to panic as her breathing and talking went into overdrive. I pulled her into another hug until I felt her start to relax and her breathing returned to normal. Stroking her hair also seemed to help, and I had to admit it made me feel better. Maybe there is something to those people that say petting an animal helps you live longer. Finally I felt her pull away and I asked her if she was going to be okay. I got a shy nod in response, and gave her one last quick hug.

“Okay Pinkie.” I took a deep breath to order my thoughts. “First of all, I understand you come from another world and all, so things that work there don't always work here I suppose. Blowing up balloons with your breath won't make them float, because your breath weighs the same as the air around you. You need something lighter, like helium.” She nodded slowly, listening intently, and sniffling from time to time. “As for the cake, you need to keep the ice cream frozen until the last minute. Most ice cream cakes are all frozen. And finally, I have seen a few of the videos of the show your world is like. You may be like a cartoon character able to pop out of little places in your world, but whatever lets you do it there won’t work here.”

“But, I don’t understand. Twilight said she can’t cast magic here, but I don't have magic. I’m just an earth pony.” Her voice was still strained from the crying, and the inability to do what came naturally to her seemed to be still taking its toll.

“Well maybe you can't cast magic, but there may be magic in your world you can't see that we don't have here. You just need to be more careful and learn what you can and can't do here.” I shook my head again and smiled at the pink pony, receiving a smile in return. “So, don't worry about the party. I appreciate the thought, but I like my kitchen clean even more.” Rolling my eyes to let her know I wasn't mad, I grinned even wider. “So just clean it up when you can, and we will call it all even, ‘k?”

“Okie dokie, Loki!” she beamed and gave me a salute.

I bent down and gave her one last hug, and I swear I could actually see the hair on her head curling back into its normal shape. Suddenly I wrinkled my nose as I smelled something off, and pulled away from her. “Um, Pinkie, what’s that smell?”

Her eyes went wide and her cheeks grew bright red as she jumped back in the bathroom, slamming the door in my face. “Sorry!”

“Dafuq, Pinkie? What’s goin on?” I banged on the door again.

“Umm, remember when I said we don't usually eat meat because most ponies think it's bad? Well it turns out it is bad to eat as much as I did this morning!” She sounded like she was about to have another breakdown from embarrassment, until I laughed. “What’s so funny? This is gross!” I heard her spraying air freshener, as the toilet flushed again.

I continued to laugh, as I heard her muttering darkly from beyond the door. I recalled my cousin telling me about the time he ate entirely too much red meat after a hunting trip, and the resulting gas. It made me laugh that a pony suffered similarly. Yes, and I remembered what he called it. Pinkie had Deer Farts. And she most likely had the other problems that came from an abrupt change in diet. I continued to laugh as the toilet flushed again, and the dark muttering went on. I was still chuckling as I wandered into my room to unwind for the day.

Pink Fluffy Earth Ponies Shedding on Furniture

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The week after Pinkie Pie moved in was relatively uneventful. I spent my down time trying to learn more about my new roommate and her people. While some folks like Don were poring over every scrap of info concerning the pony visitors, I had mostly ignored it as the usual sensationalist news from around the world. I mean, I never thought I would even meet one, let alone live with one. Good old Goofle provided most of what I needed, and BluTube had several interviews and documentaries on them.

The first one was a interview with Twilight Sparkle and some famous anthropologist, and was a bit dry, but informative. As the purple princess sat down, I could see she had wings and a horn, and wore some silly dress that looked like it belonged on a doll. She smiled nervously, and she glanced towards the camera, but then fixed the usual celebrity fake smile on her face as the host welcomed her.

"Thank you for being with us today, Princess Sparkle." The host was an elderly man, sounding slightly British. He reminded me of old animal documentary narrators.

"Oh, it's a pleasure to be here today. And please, just call me Twilight." The lavender pony smiled brightly at the older human, and took a seat on the provided couch.

"Yes, Twilight. So we are all very much interested in hearing about your home, a land of magic and rainbows. A land where friendship is a force and not just a concept. Tell us about your world. Is it truly magic?" The skeptical tone crept into his voice, and Twilight seemed to take it in stride.

"Yes, professor, Magic is just as real in my world as Electromagnetism is in yours. It is a quantifiable force that is intrinsic to our reality. It also seems to be exclusive to the basic laws of our universe, and not found in yours, so I can understand the skepticism."

"Yes, there is a quote from one of our greatest minds that goes: 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.' So we have found in our pursuit of knowledge that almost every force once believed to be magic in our world has eventually been revealed to be science that was merely misunderstood." Warming up to the discussion, the older professor started to become more animated, and less aware that he had a rather large audience watching them.

Twilight as well seemed to lose her nervousness and take on a scholarly tone of her own, lecturing proficiently on the subject at hand. "Oh we have has similar statements said by some of our great minds, and in the past it was mostly true. Much of the way things work were labeled as magic, but later became understood as the nature in which our world works. But the more we understood, the more we came to recognize that there is actually a measurable force behind what became known as true magic. It is the force that lets us defy the other basic laws of reality and alter it to the will of the caster." She paused for a moment, taking on a wry smile. "Sadly, very few creatures in our world can consciously wield true magic, so it is still largely unexplored. Even among us Ponies, only the unicorns," She chuckled dryly at herself. "and the rare Alicorn, like myself, that can control it to any measurable degree."

"I see. So why is it that you say that magic is unique to your world? Are the laws of the universe not constant?" A flawless setup for the next part of the discussion. It was clear this guy knew his way around an interview.

"And excellent point, and for the most part it's true. The laws of the universe are constant, within that universe. We have come to the conclusion that Equestria must lay outside the universe that earth resides in. The moment we enter the portal to earth, magic users can no longer cast or detect magic. Telekinesis seems to still work, since it is apparently separate from the higher functions of magic manipulation, and in fact there are reports of humans having the gift." Waving a hoof at the skeptical look of her host, she amended, "So I have read. I still have not met any humans that can do it. On the other hoof, we found that any electronics more advanced than a basic vacuum tube cease to function in Equestria. All the fancy gadgets that humans have come to rely on just won't work over there, and nopony has been able to determine why. It's theorized that the electromagnetic force operates differently or is weaker somehow in the presence of the stronger magical force that is found in our universe." Beaming proudly at her explanation, the princess seemed totally in her element as she rambled on.

Thankfully, the rather boring discussion was interrupted by a knock on my door. Pinkie had learned rather painfully to knock before entering my room, no matter if the door is open or not. Or whether or not it was locked, with a 'do-not-disturb' sign, barbed wire, and a flaming pit of rabid piranha. Personal space is valuable to us humans, and if she ever wanted her mane to grow back right, she would respect mine.

I told her to come in, and she opened the door with a hoof, while holding a pink coffee mug labeled 'Best Pony' in her other hoof. I blinked in confusion on how a quadruped could even do that while remaining upright.

Ignoring my baffled stare, she casually took a sip from and looked around my room. "Whatcha up to Louis?"

"Oh, I was just watching some videos on ponies. I figured since I am living with one, I may as well learn more about them. You. More about you. How the hell are you doing that?" I floundered, pointing at the mug.

Looking at the mug, she crinkled her muzzle in confusion. "What, drinking coffee? It's good! Especially with cocoa in it! We really need to serve this at Sugarcube Corner. The Cakes would make a fortune waking ponies up in the morning."

"No, I mean how the hell are you holding the mug with a hoof? You don't even have any fingers."

"Oh that! Yeah, the guys in quarantine really freaked out the first time they saw it. Ponies don't have fingers, but with cloven hoofsies, and our thumb we can hold stuff." She looked confused a moment. "I mean my thumb. No, no, it's thumb." Looking even more confused she stared at the offending limb. "That’s funny, whenever I try to say thumb, the spell makes it come out as thumb! Thumb! Thumb! Thumb!" Giggling, she waved her hoof at me. I could see that it looked more like a deer or goat hoof than a horse, and where the center 'frog' area was normally hollow, there seemed to be a dark rubbery pad. To my surprise, as I stared at the pad, it wiggled and flexed away from the hoof like the thumb on an oven mitt. It was clear that it was not as flexible as a real human thumb, but could possibly allow for some ability to grab small objects.

"We have a different name for it, but I guess it must not translate well. The spell keeps making me call it a thumb." Shrugging, she took another sip of her coffee, shuddering in pleasure as her eyes half lidded. "Ahhh, that’s the good stuff!"

Suddenly it clicked what was really bothering me. "Wait, you said spell. What spell? I was just watching your friend, the princess, say that magic doesn't even work here. And you yourself were having a breakdown the other day that you couldn’t do magic. You're one of them earth ponies, right? And only unicorns can do magic."

"Of course I can't do magic, silly. But my friend, Twilight told me that while she can't cast magic over here, whatever spells she casts in Equestria will keep working over here, as long as she puts enough power into it. And believe me, she has more than enough power! She was like a super egghead unicorn before she ever became an alicorn princess." This was followed by another sip and shudder, as the smile grew on her face. I would have to keep an eye on her coffee intake, lest I find that it's some sort of addictive narcotic to ponies. Do they even have a Caffeine Anonymous?

Meanwhile the gears were turning in my head. Magic didn’t work over here, but enchantments cast beforehand did? This was some choice information that I filed away for later research.

"Hold on, you said you were in quarantine? What were you sick or something?" I cringed back in horror. "You don't have some sorta Pony Flu do you?"

Pinkie rolled her eyes and giggled at my reaction. "No, silly. I'm as healthy as a horse. Or a pony. Or a really healthy pony-sized horse." She paused to think, looking adorable with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth. "Anyway, they said they had to test to make sure we wouldn’t get sick on earth, or that we wouldn’t get you all sick. It was boooring! They kept us in these small rooms for weeks before they found out we were safe."

"Hmm, hold on, I think I do read something about that." I turned back to the computer to search 'pony quarantine' and found the article. I hadn't really read it back then, thinking it was something to do with livestock, or mad cow disease. I quickly skimmed the article finding the relevant details.

"Experts theorized that one of several scenarios would happen. One was the possible 'War of the Worlds' theory, where the newcomers would be completely undefended against even the most common of bacteria, and would die from the common cold or something similar. This would make visitation between worlds almost impossible, for fear of cross infection. The other theory was called the 'Columbus Scenario'. This idea stated that exposure to our world would in fact render them stronger than us, and generate a social imbalance. The visitor would be barely affected by the new environment, while the diseases they carried would spread and wipe out the natives. As it turned out the truth was neither. The genetic makeup of both species rendered them totally incompatible with the flora they each carried. Ponies could not catch anything from earth, and vice versa. In addition, ponies were immune to many toxins, such as poison ivy and many other plants. Humans however were still quite susceptible to Equestrian plants, as was evidenced by one researcher being turned from a man, into a female anthropomorphic rabbit. It was a rather large surprise to all parties involved as this was revealed to be his secret fetish. A large movement to immigrate to Equestria was later curtailed when it was revealed that the effects of the plant were random and uncontrollable. The group of humans calling themselves 'Furries' were the most disappointed."

At my side, I heard a sound of disgust, followed by a shudder. I looked down to see Pinkie making a face while reading the screen. "What?"

"Oh, sorry. I know most humans are nice and all, and the ones that call themselves Bronies kinda worship us." She paused to roll her eyes at me. "But those furries kinda creep me out. I saw pictures, and they are really, really creepy."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. Having been around the internet most of my life, I had seen many things, and I understood the reaction. No matter how nice and well meaning any group is, there will always be those fringe weirdos that make the rest look bad.

"Well if it's any consolation, even most of the furries are creeped out by it. Every group has it's extremists that take things too far." I gently patted the pony on her head. "I'm sure there's even some ponies that would want to have sex with humans too."

Looking up at me with a horrified expression, Pinkie took a step back. "Who said anything about sex? I'm okay with that. Like I told you, nopony's business what happens in the bedroom. I'm just disgusted by those freaky Fursuiters." She gave a mock gag and a shudder to emphasize her point. I lost control and laughed myself hoarse while Pinkie stared on in dismay.

"It's not funny! Have you seen those things? It's like the world scariest clown costume, made out of your best friend's corpse! They give me nightmares. NIGHTMARES I tells ya!" Closing her eyes, she slugged back the last of her coffee and made a face.

Meanwhile, I grinned evilly as I pulled up something truly sadistic. Anthrocon. The screams could be heard blocks away.

After I managed to talk Pinkie out of the closet she has hid herself in, I got ready for work. I swear, they make the schedules with a dart board every week, and I never know what shift I am going to get each day. Tonight it was closing shift, so I ran off to sell office equipment to the consumer sheep at low, low prices and be bitched at by my boss for not selling enough warranties. Or tune ups. Or whatever stupid thing the company decided it desperately needed to focus on while ignoring everything else this week. Yay, retail.

So the day went surprisingly fast for a change, with lots of work to do and very few customers. I cherished days like this, when I got to feel I was actually doing something instead of spinning in place trying to do twelve things at once and failing at all of them. Pinkie was lucky to have the day off, so I was prepared to another surprise party or some other shenanigans as I made my way home. I have to admit, as much as she frustrated me with her zany weirdness, she was starting to grow on me, and I secretly was starting to enjoy the break from the ennui that was my life. not that I would ever tell her that. I enjoyed being the Ricky to her Lucy. Every goofball needed a straight man.

I was not, however, prepared to what greeted me when I returned home. Remember those thongs I mentioned the ponies wearing? Yes, it was pretty much the only clothing they wore all the time, and one of the few things that let the normally prudish American media accept them so easily. Well suddenly I was face to face with one as I opened my door. I blinked a moment before I realized what it was, then quickly sidestepped as I entered. The sight that lay before me was like something out of a porno clothing designer's nightmare. It was as if a thong factory had exploded in my home. Every surface of my home was covered in pink furry thongs. I think I even saw a few black ones, which really made me shudder to think of the implications.

What was worse, it seemed even the spaces in between were covered in pink fur. My house had become the world's largest shag carpet. I know it's cliché, but I freaked.

"PINKIE PIE!" I screamed like a bad cartoon villain. I was beyond upset, I was pissed off. And I was more than a little grossed out. I was really hoping that all of these undergarments were clean.

"In the kitchen Louis!" The sound of water splashing accompanied the high pitched voice of my roommate.

I slowly crept across the room, trying to avoid touching any of the suspicious garments. What I found in my kitchen was equally as baffling. All across the room were strings of pink thongs, and in the middle of it all stood an equally bizarre sight. Pinkie was on a stool at my sink, happily washing something, while wearing what looked like a pair of my boxers. What was even stranger is how she appeared to have either lost some sort of bet, or really pissed off a barber. All over her body were smooth patches of fuzz as if she had been shaved, leaving behind random swaths of thick fur.

I may not have explained it well, but the ponies are not the smooth coated creatures from the show. Apparently their world was sort of like Australia, with the seasons reversed from my home hemisphere. So while it was early summer here, it was mid-winter in Equestria. As a result, Pinkie's coat looked more like a llama or a sheep than a pony. Unless you count those furry steppe ponies I saw on International Photographic.

And now, apparently she was shedding her thick winter coat. All over my house. I was not amused.

"Pinkie! What the unholy FUCK are you doing? Why had my house turned into 'Day Off at the Pink Brothel'? And for the love of Jim Henson, why the hell are you naked?"

I have to admit, she at least had the decency to blush and look embarrassed, which I could now more clearly see through the gaps in her fur.

"Oh, but I'm always naked, silly! Well, except for my fundies!" Again she looked confused, and scratched her head. "Hmm, I guess that’s another word that doesn't translate. But anyway, It's wash day, and I needed to get them all washed since I was all outta clean ones." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "And wouldn’t you know it, my coat decides to pick today of all days to start shedding! I mean UUGH! I hate shedding, it gets all over everything, and it's so itchy, and suddenly I get chilly at random times until I get used to my new coat, and then I have to groom for a week until it all starts growing right!"

I just stared at her, and deadpanned, "Really? Seriously Pinkie, what are you, a fuckin cat? Are you gonna start clawing my furniture? I already told you I don't want any animals because they ruin my house!"

"Oh please Louis, don't be mad at me! I promise I will clean this all up, and it only lasts a few days until I am all done shedding. I won't be a bother, I Pinkie Promise!" She started to tear up and her lower lip trembled, as she gave me the most comical set of puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. It took every bit of control not to burst out laughing. "Please don't kick me out, Louis! I really like having you as my friend, and living here, and I got no place else to go!"

I broke. Plopping in the nearest chair, I put my face in my hands and laughed. I think that scared her more than anything, as she was backing away with a terrified expression when I looked up.

"Seriously, Pinkie. What the fuck am I gonna do with you? You are so annoying, and yet you are retardedly cute. Not to mention just plain 'ol regular retarded at times."

She seemed to cheer up a bit as she smiled and stepped closer. "So does that mean you aren't mad?"

"Oh, I'm mad. I'm fuckin furious. But at the same time, I haven't laughed this hard in years." I shook my head and looked around the room. "I mean, seriously? Why the fuck are you using my sink to do laundry, and why the FUCK is it hanging all over my damn house?" I stood up and pointed at one of the more offending pieces. "AND WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THE UNHOLY FUCKS DO YOU OWN THAT?"

Her head spun around to a pair of black lace panties, with a functional hole for the tail. Next to it was a garter belt, and a pair of fishnet stockings. Once again, I got to see about half of her body blush as she looked at the floor while rubbing her hooves together. "Weeelll… A girl likes to feel sexy some times. And besides, how else so you wash cloths?"

I collapsed back into the chair and buried my face in my hands again. "Seriously Pinkie. There is a name for all this. They are called 'Unmentionables' for a reason. This brings new meaning to the term 'Airing your dirty laundry'. No offense, but it's literally a side of you I do not need to see." I sighed and looked up again at the now shamefaced pony. "And finally, you use the clothes washer and dryer. THAT is how you wash your… things."

"Wait, you have something that does that?" Her eyes lit up with wonder, and I almost gave myself a bruise by facepalming.

"Yes Pinkie, we do. So first I am going to show you how to use it, and then you are going to start cleaning up this mess. I do not want to find a single pink hair by tomorrow."

Once again, I was tackle-hugged by the pink furball, although now she was more of a fuzzball. "Oh thank you! Does this mean I can stay?"

"Yes Pinkie, you can stay." I felt her grip get even stronger, and I started to have trouble breathing for a moment, before she let go. I was finally teaching her some restraint with her manic hugging.

"And Pinkie?" I deadpanned.

"Yes, Louis?" She smiled brightly and even fluttered her eyes at me. This earned her an eye roll from myself.

"Next time, I would appreciate it if you ask before you borrow my boxers." I gave her a wry smile.

"Eheheh. Oopsie. Sorry about that." And again, the adorable blush. I sighed and ambled off to show her the wonders of modern laundry.

So a few hours later, the laundry was washed and dried, the house was vacuumed, having only emptied the chamber three times. I was ever so grateful for finally having a use for the extra furniture attachments, and Pinkie’s antics were worth a weary chuckle as she tried them on her own fur. I found myself wearily nodding off on the couch in front of the TV, not really paying any attention to whatever was on when I was prodded awake by a pink hoof.

“Huhwha? Sup, Pinkie.” I half yawned.

“Umm, Louis? You are my friend, right?” I nodded sleepily. “And friends do each other favors, right?” Again I nodded, too tired to think of anything else yet. “I need you to do me a really really big favor. Please?”

“Ya sure, Pinks. Whatcha need?”

Suddenly my vision was filled by a wall of pink, with a fuzzy pink doughnut stuck to it. I blinked a moment before my brain kicked into gear and the pattern recognition part of it delivered a rather frantic report on what I was seeing.

“Ahh! For fucks sake, Pinkie! Get your damn pony pucker outta my face, and get some fuckin clothes on!” I screamed, and shoved the offending wall of fur out of my face in disgust. “I was right, you are part cat, aren't you? Fuckin shoving your ass in people’s face! UGH! That's disgusting.”

“Oh please Louis, I need your help! It itches so bad, and I can't reach my tushie! I can brush my mane, tail and front hoofsies, but I can't reach my bottom to groom the shedding fur!” She emphasized the point by rubbing her rear end on the floor like a dog with worms, and I could see a clear trail of pink fur being left behind where we had just finished cleaning.

I quickly grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and rolled it up, bopping her on the head. “NO! Bad Pinkie! We don't do that on the clean carpet!” I sighed and sat back down on the couch as she looked at me plaintively. ”So you need me? How the hell do you do this back home then?”

“Ooh, I usually go to the salon like most earth ponies, or have my friends help me brush it out. We don't have magic like the unicorns, or grabby wings like the pegasi. We kinda learn to look after each other and stuff. It’s a great bonding thing.” And again the puppydog eyes. “And you said you are my friend, so I really really need your help right now because it itches so bad and I can't sleep and I’m just gonna shed more and make your house a mess again and you will get mad at me and not wanna be my friend anymore!”

Through this entire rant I just stared at her. From the outside it may have looked as if I was a heartless, uncaring bastard. The truth was actually that I was still half asleep, and the gears in my head full of sand as they ground slowly to a useable conclusion.

“So let me get this straight. You want me to help you brush your ass, because you can't reach it and it itches. And if I do, you will stop shedding all over the place and go to sleep?” I could swear I heard marbles bouncing in her head as she vigorously nodded.

Sighing with the weariness of the damned, I rolled my eyes heavenward and silently prayed for strength. “Get the brush.”

Happily she bounced off to her room, coming back with an odd brush in her mouth and looking like a giant pink puppy playing fetch. I patted my lap, and she pounced on me, flopping across my legs. I winced a bit at her weight, then wiggled myself to get comfortable before taking the brush from her.

“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I need this so much!” I just rolled my eyes again and considered spanking her with the brush, before deciding that may give the wrong idea after seeing what was in her wardrobe. No sir, not into pink pony paddling here.

Looking over the brush, I saw it was some sort of grooming tool, with long metal spines and rounded tips to keep it from scratching. It must have been brought from home, or bought from a pet shop. Beginning to work on the remaining patches of fur, I found it worked pretty well at pulling away the thicker fur while leaving the shorter fuzzy coat behind.

“Ya know, I can't help but wonder if people would pay for some of this stuff.” I grinned as the thought hit me, and received a giggle in response. “Imagine, a genuine pony-fur scarf! I bet that designer friend of yours would love that idea.”

“Ooh, you’re right! And it would be so much better than just stuffing toys with it. Although I would have to find something else to make my toys so fluffy!”

“Oh, you bake, throw parties AND make toys?” I pondered as I continued to groom the more sensitive parts of my patient. I couldn't help but notice how she twitched as I groomed over her cutie mark.

“Of course I make toys! What kinda birthday party would it be if you didn't get gifts? And I make sure every gift I give has a little bit of me in it.”

“That is awfully sweet of you Pinkie.” I gave her a one-armed hug from behind.

In response, I got a giggle which morphed into a huge yawn. The conversation lulled as we were both very tired, and I mechanically continued brushing the soft pink butt-fur of my friend. The absurdity of it all didn't even register due to my exhausted state, until I noticed that Pinkie had began to purr.

“Yep, definitely part cat.” I muttered quietly. Soon after, the purring faded into a light snoring, and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep myself, warm with my very own pony blanket across my lap.

The Heat is On

View Online

The fact of the matter is, we really do not know what these creatures are. They resemble the cartoon characters from the show My Little Pony, and it was the intention of the fans that opened the portal to their world to find this same land of Equestria. And yet, they did not find a land of cartoony creatures, but a real living ALIEN world. Even the use of the word ‘pony’ is only a side effect of the translation spell they use to communicate with us, and it has been proven that some words just do not translate, and are instead substituted. In short, we do not even know what they call themselves. They certainly are not ponies in relation to how they exist in our world. They more closely resemble earth’s deer or llamas on first glance, and only roughly resemble the cartoon characters that represent them.
The reality is that they are actually inter-dimensional aliens and have nothing in common with any living creature in our world, besides a shared intelligence and personality traits. Their acceptance has caused a strange rift in our culture, not just in the expected concepts of our being alone in the universe, but also in the very definition of intelligence.
Strangely they have integrated themselves into many areas, gaining friends with a flawless ease, while the opposing human numbers in Equestria has dwindled as it is found that many humans just cannot adapt to the social environment of the pony world. Many are politely asked to leave after proving to be too violent for the peace-loving ponies. In fact, more humans are now living with the more aggressive griffons than the ponies they originally traveled to meet. The ponies, however have been coming to earth in ever increasing numbers, and making friends wherever they go. Even the detractors are oddly non-confrontational when presented with the brightly covered visitors.
The small number of anti-Equestrian groups have presented arguments that the ponies are looking to colonize our world and take it over for themselves, and fear that there is some nefarious scheme at work. Then there are the religious zealots that claim the ponies are an abomination to their beliefs and that only man is fit to be given any rights. And yet oddly enough, even the most fervent of detractors fail to raise a hand against the peace-loving creatures. Strangely enough they have instead directed their ire towards the many pro-Equestrian supporters. Fights have broken out between various human groups, while the ponies stand nearby, either unwilling or unable to intervene.
There are, of course, exceptions. Several of the more affluent members of the pony community have been known to step in. The ambassador Rainbow Dash, in particular, has been known to often get physically violent in the defense of anyone she sees as her friends. When a certain anti-gay group attempted to crash a peaceful pro-gay rally, she was seen knocking many of them to the ground, and standing in the way of the more violent offenders. It wasn’t until her friends physically pulled her from the fray that she finally relented, just before the authorities arrived.
In addition, a farming community was defended by Ambassador Applejack when a large corporation attempted to annex prime farm land for building a mall. She was fined damages to much of the equipment that she had destroyed, despite the fact that it was later found the building permits had been illegally obtained.
In conclusion, there is still much to be learned about and from these furry visitors to our world. And more importantly, we must always remember that no matter how much they may appear to be gentle animals with colorful coats, they are in fact highly intelligent and completely alien beings from a totally different reality than us. Take nothing for granted, for we are still learning how the two species will integrate in the future.
--Dick Chambers, BBC News

As I finished the article, I heard another tap on my door frame and turned to see a much changed Pinkie Pie. A trip to a nearby pet groomer had gotten the last of her shedding coat removed, and her new fuzzy coat smooth and shining. Meanwhile, a trip to the hair salon had her mane and tail back to it's normal incredible mass of curls, only slightly mussed by a case of bed-head. Topping it off was her own pair of boxers, for when she wanted to go commando around the house, as well as a new pajama shirt that made her look absolutely adorable. If she was a plush toy I would be hard pressed to not hug her.

I was just glad that we wouldn't have to worry about the normal female problems and the resultant mess. Boxers and thongs were one thing, but the particular anatomy of female ponies made things like tampons rather impractical. She assured me that ponies on her world were similar to ours in that they had a brief annual heat lasting about a week, during which hormones went wild and stallions were stalked like prey. They even had a cute name for it, calling it ‘Hearts and Hooves Day’. I guess it was supposed to be similar to our Valentine’s day, but the way she talked about it made it sound like an Amazonian Man Hunt. Pinkie assured me that the event was months off, and that she already had plans to return to Equestria to ‘Squeeze her Main Cheese’. I have no idea what that means, but I am honestly too afraid to ask. Until then, she would be happily sporting her new boxers around the house, and her traditional pony thongs in public.

“Heyas Louis, more pony news?” The normal bright smile lit up her face, and I could swear the coffee cup had grown in size.

“Yea, looks like your friend, Rainbow Dash, got in some trouble again. Some idiots were trying to pick a fight and she obliged.” I scooted over to show her my screen, and took a sip of my own morning beverage. It was my day off, and Pinkie was on late shift herself, so another shared morning at home. That being said, my coffee was a bit more “Irish” than hers. I had not yet introduced her to the wonders of alcohol, and was too afraid to try. Seriously, if this was her with inhibitions, what would a buck wild Pinkie be like?

As she sidled beside me to read the article, I heard her giggle, and take a big gulp of her coffee. “Yeah that sounds like Rainbow Dash alright. Always here for her friends, but a bit too eager to get rough. Her and Applejack are alot alike. I prefer to sing and dance to make ponies stop fighting. Like when I helped in Appleoosa!”

I couldn't help but notice that Pinkie’s failure to understand the concept of personal space was starting to reassert itself, as I distinctly felt her start rubbing up against me while she read the article on the screen. It became even more uncomfortable as she lay her head in my lap and started to hum to herself, while still rubbing on me like an over affectionate feline. Finally my comfort levels bottomed out as I heard a distinct wet popping noise, like someone pulling a lollipop from their mouth.

“Uh, Pinkie, did you just fart on me?” I turned to look behind her, from where the sound came.

“Huh, what?” She blinked up at me, seeming to come out of a self absorbed daze.

*Shhpop!* The noise sounded again, definitely coming from my pink companion.

“Oh no. Nonononono!” She seemed to panic as her face turned red, and her eyes grew wide. “It’s too soon! Much much too soon!” She turned to look back over her shoulder, as the blush spread over her body. Suddenly she looked back at me and my confused expression, a look of horror spreading across her face. And then just like that, she was gone in a flash, the dull clunk of the heavy coffee mug hitting my carpet and the sound of her door slamming marking her departure at almost the exact same time. I was rather grateful that the mug was empty, but my roommate’s reaction and sudden departure had me a bit worried.

Hopping out of my chair, I hurried to Pinkie’s room and knocked, getting no answer at first.

“Go ‘WAY!” I heard the plaintive cry from inside the room, urging me to knock harder.

“C’mon Pinkie, what the hell is wrong?”

“Lemm ‘lone, I-I’m, uhh... naked!” Again the plaintive wail.

“Seriously, Pinkie. I’ve seen you naked it’s nothing new.” I sighed and banged on the door again. “Hell, you’re mostly naked all the time, so cut the bull and open the door!” I was greeted with silence from beyond the portal.

After a few more minute of waiting, I finally heard the lock click on the door, as it opened a crack. “Louis, I’m scared.” Like a little child, the pink mares voice creeped through the crack in the door as a lone blue eye stared at me with an intensity that outshone even Pinkie’s normal manic nature.

“Seriously, Pinkie. Stop fucking around and tell me what’s wrong. You want me to be your friend, but I can’t help you if I don't know what's wrong.” I growled in frustration, lowering myself to the floor to better look her in the eye.

“P-promise you won't freak out?” she whispered to me.

“I’m not gonna freak out.”

“Please don't freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out, Pinkie” I was however losing my patience.

“Okay, as long as you don't freak out.” She mewled.

“I’M NOT FREAKING OUT!” I bellowed. I had just about enough of her shit.

“Sorry!” She flinched, and then slowly opened the door. “I...” She hesitated, losing her nerve.

“Any day now, Pinkie.” I started to drum my fingers on the floor as I glared at her. “This better be good.”

“I’m going into heat!” All in a rush she spit the words out like they were burning her mouth. I just stared at her and stopped tapping my fingers while she looked at the floor and rubbed a hoof on the carpet.

“You what? Isn't that supposed to be months away?” I sighed, partially relieved that she wasn't dying or something tragic.

Still unable to look me in the eye, she continued to worry a hole in my carpet with her hoof. “Yea, normally. But like my shedding, I think the change on climate has messed things up, and it's come early. And now I don't have time to get back to Equestria before I start going all crazy.”

“Really? I’ve had a girlfriend before, they are all crazy at that time of the month, but it's nothing serious.” I rolled my eyes and leaned back on my hands. “Just take some Yourdol and stay away from the knives. You will be fine.”

“No, no, no. It's much worse for ponies. Mares kinda go crazy until they find a mate. We will do anything, say anything. I totally lose control. It’s bad. Like Discord bad.” Her eyes began to get a bit of manic gleam to them as she started staring at me.

“The douchebag god of asshattery from your world? I remember you telling me he turned your friends all emo.” I shrugged my indifference. “Doesn’t sound too bad to me.”

“You don't get it! It can get really bad. Trust me.” She pleaded until I sighed.

“Fine, so what do we do about it?” I threw my hand up in consternation, trying to appear like I was taking this seriously. I mean, how bad can it possibly get if they make a holiday around it?

“Umm, you gotta keep me safe, keep me locked up, and whatever you do keep me away from any males!” She grabbed my shirt collar and wrung it desperately.

“One problem Pinkie, I am a male, remember?” I raised an eyebrow that even Mister Spek would be proud of.

Suddenly her eyelids drooped and a slow smile crawled across her face. It was creepy as fuck, as she leaned closer to me. “Yes, you are, aren't you?” Suddenly she leaned forward and planted a kiss on my lips. I tried to pull away, but she had an iron grip on my shirt, and suddenly it wasn't so damn amusing.

I managed to get my feet up and push her away from me, knocking her back inside her room with a loud thud. Before I could get back to my feet, she was on hers and grinning madly at me. I did the first thing I could think of and grabbed for the door, pulling it shut just in time to feel the impact of my attacker shake the frame.

“Pinkie! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Not the brightest of questions, with the answer being rather obvious, but I was in a bit of shock from being suddenly kissed by an oversexed pony.

“Oh c’mon Louie! I know you want it.” I heard her breathy purr through the door. “I’ve seen the pictures on your computer of all the sexy mares!” A loud thump shook the door again. “What’s wrong, ain't I sexy enough for ya?”

“Seriously Pinkie, knock it off. The only reason I have ever had that shit on my screen is because my asshole friend, Don, thinks it's funny to send me those pics.” Rolling my eyes I thumped back on the door with a fist. “I am not, never have been, nor ever will be attracted to ponies, or any other furry creature.” I sighed in frustration. “Okay, maybe some of those anime catgirls are a bit sexy, but that's where I draw the line, and I still probably wouldn't fuck one.” Probably.

“Yoooou got the furry feeeeveeerr!” The deranged voice drifted from the room in a sing-song tone. “Loooouie has the fuuury feeeveeeer! And my booty is what he wants to saaaavooor! Taste my pooony flaaaavooor! COME ON LOUIE, LIGHT MY FIRE!” The tune ended with her beating repeatedly on the door.

I took a step back, eyeing the door with worry. My father was an architect that grew up in the fifties, and used the bankroll from a few government contracts to build this house, and kickstart his career as a real estate agent. The house was built like a bomb shelter, and not much short of a blasting charge was going to break down the door. He taught me well that doors are always seen as the weak points in a defense. Everyone went for the doors, and only another engineer like him would think of walls as the real weak points in a building. And yet... the door shook violently in it's frame as the small pink mare jackhammered on it with her hooves.

“Please Louie! I neeeed you! It’s burning me up and I need it sosososo very baaad!” Now gone from seductive, to crazed, and finally crying plaintively, her voice grated at me as the door shook. “I thought you were my friend, Louie! Friends help each other. Friends love each other. WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME LOUIE!”

“Bitch, you are fuckin crazy if you think I am going near you. So just calm the fuck down and let me find a doctor, or a vet, or something.” I walked back into my room, and plopped down at the computer, and fired up Goofle. A quick search of ‘ponies in heat’ brought me nothing but porn. I mean seriously, what the actual fuck. Not even the drawn artwork that preceded the opening of the portal, but now real live pony porn, with real Equestrian ponies. Not all of the actors were ponies either. Apparently it was no longer being labeled as beastiality, but instead was being advertized as xenophilia. A quick side search found an article explaining how there were no laws yet governing xenophilia, although several religious groups were fighting tooth and nail to get them passed.

Wow. Just fucking wow.

Suddenly I notice that I have an email waiting for me, marked urgent. Who the hell actually marks shit urgent, other than spammers? Out of curiosity, I open it anyway, and my jaw slowly hangs open as I realise who it is from.

Dear Louis,
You do not know me, but I have heard a great many things about you from my dear little pony, Pinkie Pie. She speaks highly of you and your friendship in this strange new world, and how you have welcomed her into your home. While all of my little ponies are special to me, Pinkie and her friends hold a special place in my heart and it would grieve me greatly if anything was to befall them. Pinkie in particular is a special mare in that she is a fragile being, driven by joy and needing friendship as much as others need air to survive. She is one of the most dedicated and loving beings I have ever met in my very long life, and I pray that you and her become the closest of friends.
That being said, we have come to a bit of a crisis. It has been brought to my attention that the change in climate has conspired with other factors in this alien world of yours to afflict my little ponies with a condition most dire.

I paused to snort at this. “No shit, Lady.”

While the condition will only be brief compared to it’s normal duration, it will be extremely severe due to being away from their home. I beg you to please do whatever it takes to help my little pony in her time of need, and to guide her through this crisis.

“Dafuq?” She’s not saying what I think she is... Is she?

I would never ask that you do anything that you would find distasteful or not feel comfortable with, but I do hope that you can find it in your heart to help the poor soul that has put so much love and trust into your friendship.

“Aww fuck, she is.” I felt like channeling my inner black man with a mighty ‘Aww hell naw!’

However, if you find yourself unable to comfort poor Pinkie Pie yourself in her hour of desperate need, I have sent to you an alternative that should suffice to help her through her trial. The medicine should ensure a fast recovery, and allow the condition to pass after only a day, and the other equipment will allow Pinkie to relieve some of the suffering she is going through. Please get them to her as soon as they arrives.
I will be forever in your debt, as will Pinkie herself if you can find it in your heart to assist her this day. I assure you it will pass soon, and your bonds of friendship will be all the stronger for it.
Best wishes and thanks,
Princess Celestia Aurora Solis

As I finished the email, a feeling of cold dread settled over me. The princess of the ponies was actually asking me to... What the fuck? And then the trickle of dread turned into fear as I realized that the room was quiet. I could no longer hear the cries or banging of Pinkies struggles in the next room. A chilling silence had descended and I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I slowly turned around in my chair.

There was nothing there.

“You smell nice.” I heard the voice in my ear as the warm breath crawled across the back of my neck.

“What the fuck!” I jumped out of my chair, tripping over my own feet and tumbling onto the floor. I felt like a victim in some B horror flick as I rolled over and started crawling backwards from my attacker. What I saw made my blood run cold and I almost pissed myself in fear. Pinkie’s normal cheerful smile was now a massive tooth filled grin that looked as if it was trying to rip her face in half, while her normally curly hair was now straight and limp like some Japanese horror film ghost. But most shocking of all was her eyes. Now glassy and red from crying, the iris was all but invisible as they contracted to pinpricks around her pupils.

Giggling madly, she advanced a step towards me as I tried to back away. “What’s wrong, Louie? Don’t you wanna have fun? You’re my only friend here, and I just love to make my friends SMILE!” With a lick of her lips, she tensed, and then pounced on me.

I tried my best to fight her off, but she held me down as if I were an infant. With a swift motion, she grabbed my shirt in her teeth, and ripped it open with a jerk of her head, all the while holding me down as she sprawled across my torso. Slowly she dragged her tongue up my chest, and then viciously latched her mouth onto mine. I felt her tongue worm it’s way into my mouth, and she passionately molested my mouth for a full minute before pulling back with a wet pop. Oddly, all my mind could think was that she did know how to french kiss after all.

As she leered at me, slowly wiggling her bottom and grinding into my waist, I tried desperately to find a way free. If she could hold me down this easily, then she could... That’s it! I suddenly had a plan. It was a long shot, but better than being held down and used against my will.

“Pinkie, darling. I know how you like games, right?” I slowly drawled, trying my best to not let my fear show in my voice.

“Uh-huh! I know all kinda games we can play. And I know just the toy I wanna play them with!” She leered even more creepily at me.

“Well then, how about you get on the bed, and I can show you a really fun game.” It took my many years of sales and bullshitting experience to make my smile look genuine.

With a high pitched girly squeal of glee, the weight disappeared off my chest and the pink mare landed on my bed in one bounce. She quickly fluttered her eyes at me, before striking several random seductive poses.

“Okay now, lay on your back, and I’ll get the gear.” As she rolled over and complied, I heard her giggling madly. She kept squirming like a nipped-out cat, and I tore my eyes away to search in my closet. On a shelf was a box of toys that hadn't seen any action in years. My last girlfriend had tried to spice things up with a little try at BDSM, until I decided I wasn't into bondage, and she decided she really wasn't into me. Or guys in general. It ended badly, but she never reclaimed the toys.

Out came several pairs of handcuffs, getting another squeal from the pony. I could see her visibly start to drool as I approached the bed, and the popping noise I had heard earlier returned. I kept my eyes on her, and tried my best not to think about it’s source.

“Oooh, I like this game! Are we gonna play a little bad guys and good guys? ‘Cause I have been a really naughty filly, and need to be spanked really, really hard!” She crooned as she tried for more seductive posing.

“Something like that. Now hold still while I get the cuffs on.” She just kept giggling as I secured all four hooves, using some rope to take up the extra slack between her smaller frame and the larger bed. Soon enough I had her good and secure, and for good measure, slipped a mask over her eyes. I was kinda wishing I still had the ball gag, but that had horrible things done to it after I loaned it to a friend for a bachelor’s party.

“Okay Louie! I’m all ready for my spanking! And don't hold back, ‘cuz I like it rough!” More wiggling, which almost made me laugh, if only my heart wasn't racing from the adrenaline rush.

“Sorry Pinkie, but I don’t take advantage of friends. You are gonna have to chill the fuck out. I’ll be back when you are thinking straight again.” I turned to walk out, dreading what was about to happen.

“NOOOOO!! LOOUIE! DON’T LEAVE ME!” Her wail shook the room, and I started to worry about the neighbors calling the cops. “I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU SO BAD!” I could hear the bed protesting as she fought the restraints, but like my house, the bed was custom built, and solid reinforced steel. She’d need a welding torch to get it apart.

Ignoring her cries, I closed and locked the door, glad that my dad had thought to put locks on both sides. I moved over to the other room, and saw the door was still closed, and opened it to look inside. There were substantial dents in the door and frame from the inside, but no cracks or signs of how she had gotten out. And then I facepalmed as I saw the curtains move. I quickly moved over to the window, finding it open, and the bars on the outside removed. Laying on the floor inside was a screwdriver, and several large screws, and outside I could see the bars laying on the ground. Well at least she didn't go through the wall.

That's when I heard the doorbell ring, which was odd, because we didn't have a doorbell. I quickly ran to the front door, almost afraid to open it, but looking out the peephole showed a small winged pony in some sort of uniform.

“Special delivery!” I was greeted as I opened the door. The beige pegasus was wearing a US postal service uniform, modified for his pony frame and wings. “Hullo! Special delivery for Pinkie Pie.”

“The hell? What is it?” I couldn't help but notice his wings were drooping and he was covered in sweat.

“Beats me, buddy, but the Princess herself paid me an extra hundred bucks to deliver it same day from DC. Just sign here.” As I signed, I couldn't help but imagine how hard it it must have been to fly the hundred miles from the capital in a day.

“So, please tell me she also sent you to help take care of my roommate.” I hooked a thumb over my shoulder.

“What? Who? Wait a minute, buddy. I ain't that kinda delivery guy.” he huffed indignantly.

“I got a crazy mare tied up in my bedroom. She’s been trying to get into my pants all day. She could really use the help of another pony.” I tried my best to look forlorn.

Pinkie chose that moment to make herself known. “I CAN SMELL YOOOOU!” The sound of her voice vibrated the windows, and really made my skin crawl. It had a manic edge to it like a deranged serial killer stalking her prey.

The stallion’s eyes went wide and he stepped back. “You got a mare in there? KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” And in a flash of fur and feathers, he was gone.

“Huh, strange. Must be gay or something.” I muttered to myself, then turned to bring the packages inside.

The smaller package contained a bottle with two iridescent pills inside, and a small note that read: ‘Take two, and don't call me. Ever.’ -PC I shook the bottle and then set it on the table before moving on to the larger package. The princess sure had a weird sense of humor. This one also had a card that read: ‘For treatment of heat symptoms, apply liberally to the affected area.’ -PC.

Opening the larger box, I dropped it in disgust. Out flopped a rather disturbing silicone toy, about as big around as my wrist. It looked like one of the novelty adult toys that used to see on BadGriffon.com. Not that I shop those kinda places, but as I said, some of my friends have a fucked up sense of humor, and send me things. Like that time Don sent me the link to the Pinkie Pie toy after finding out Pinkie was living with me. Having seen the real thing, I was neither amused, nor impressed. Don't judge me!

Fuck, I am not gonna think about pink pony poon. Fuck fuck fuck, now I was thinking about it, and the fact that it was tied up in my room. God dammit brain, what the hell is wrong with you?

And on the subject of sick sense of humor, what the hell was wrong with the Princess? I can only hope that the cards were meant as an inside joke to Pinkie. Then again, if I lived as long as she claimed to be, I'd probably be pretty screwed up in the head too.

So I gathered up the ‘medicine’ and made my way back to the room. Pinkie was still breathing heavily, and I was reminded of some of the exorcism movies I had seen. (The power of Penis compels you!)

“Louie! I knew you would come back! Please please please untie me! I gotta itch soo bad and I need you to scratch it for me!” She panted like a dog and pulled against her restraints. I was glad to see she hadn't managed to hurt herself, and walked over to the computer, setting the packages down.

Backing out of the email, I made my way back to the porn site I had found earlier. Setting it up to play, I muted the sound and turned back to Pinkie.

“Stick out your tongue, Pinkie.” My eyes went wide as her tongue lolled out of her mouth and across her chest, and I quickly placed the two pills in her mouth.

“Wha ish eet?” She slobbered.

“That is a pill to help you get better. Now here’s some water to swallow it.” I tilted her head and flinched as the tongue snapped back into her head. She took a sip and smacked her lips, the pills vanishing into the void.

Smacking her lips, she smiled at me. “Tastes kinda funny, but if you say it will help, I trust you Louie, because you are my best friend!”

“Thank your princess. She send them, and she sent you another toy to play with that should help. Now stick out your tongue, but do not swallow this time.”

Again the sarlacc pit opened and out came the tongue, I gently placed the next object on it and backed quickly away.

“Wash dish uun?” Drool started to drip from her open maw.

“That, Pinkie, is the key to the cuffs. Now I am going to step out, and lock the door again. You are going to stay in here and... oh shit.” I didn't get to finish, as she was already in motion, I lept back out of the door, and slammed the lock home just as the pony missile crashed into it. I was knocked on my ass by the impact, but the door held.

“Looouie! Don’t leave me alone! I neeed yoooohhh! Look at her go!” There was a mad scramble and I heard my chair squeal in protest as she found the porn playing on my monitor. “Thank Celestia! I needed one of these!” I smiled, only able to assume she found the toy as well.

The next moment, I started to back away as the the moans started, followed by singing. “It’s raining men, hallelujah! It’s raining men, from the sky!”

“Really, Pinkie? I moaned, as I walked away from the noises, and into the living room. I could still hear her singing later, as the lyrics to “Touch Myself” wafted through the house.

Grabbing the remote, I cranked the volume and plopped down to watch... an old rerun of My Little Pony. Today’s episode, ‘Hearts and Hooves Day.’ “Nope.”

I quickly changed the channel to ‘International Photographic presents, the mating dance of the Wild Steppes Ponies’. “Nope!”

I punched a random channel into the remote, and turned on ‘Touch of Pink’. “Oh come on! Now I know someone is fucking with me!”

Finally, I found the horror channel and relaxed into a nice, boner-killing marathon of George Oregano zombie flicks, as I did my best to drown out the over enthusiastic sounds of sex emanating from my bedroom. It was gonna be a very long day.

The next morning found me cooking breakfast as I watched the morning news. The problem with the pony visitors was not an isolated one, and it was making big headlines. Rainbow Dash herself was appearing to publicly apologize for her actions.

“I would like to publicly apologize for the actions of myself, and my fellow ponies. We were completely unprepared for the changes caused by coming to your world, but this still does not excuse our behavior.

I would like to apologize to the members of San Francisco’s 49ers for putting up with me in my time of need. Most of you guys were real troopers, and you really helped a girl out when I was at my worst. I would also like to apologize to the staff of the San Francisco Petting Zoo, and especially to Mrs. Johnson’s fourth grade class who were visiting that day. You sadly saw a side of me that nopony should ever have to see, and for that I am truly sorry.

As has been ordered by the court, I am to perform public service to atone for my actions. Despite being an ambassador, and having certain immunities, It has been agreed that I still need to pay for my actions. Therefor I have agreed to serve the entire three month sentence given to me, in whatever manner the court decides.

Once again, I am sorry. It will never happen again.”

I chuckled to myself as the food finished and I started to place it on the table. Buckwheat pancakes headlined a meal, rounded off with real maple syrup and coffee. The smell must have summoned my pink companion, as I heard her shuffling into the kitchen behind me. She was walking a bit funny, and her mane was worse for the wear, but back to it’s usual curls. Another trip to the salon would most likely be in order. I had snuck in the night before after the noise had died down, and found her passed out asleep, hugging a pillow with a contented smile on her face. I left the door unlocked, and prayed that the princess had been true to her word about the crisis passing soon.

Note to self, invest in a more comfortable couch.

“Morning sleepyhead. Feeling better today?” I grinned cheekily.

“Ow. I mean, really. Ow.” Pinkie winced as she pulled herself into a chair at the table. I slid a fresh stack of pancakes in front of her and pouring a cup of coffee before serving myself. We ate in silence for a while until both plates were empty, and the uncomfortable silence became strained.

“I’m really sorry Louis” Finally the silence was broken, and I made my way around to her side of the table. “That was the worst it has ever been for me, and I totally understand if you are mad and don't ever want to be my friend again.” Unable to look at me, she stared at the coffee mug in her hooves.

I just sighed and leaned forward to give her a hug. “Pinkie, I’m not mad at you. I’m not even upset, although you do owe me a new set of sheets after I finish burning mine.”

“But I... and I almost... and you didn't wanna.” She floundered and looked about to cry again.

“Forget about it. You weren't thinking right, and it would have been wrong for me to take advantage of you even if I was interested.” I sighed and pulled away to look her in the eyes. “I have done some pretty stupid things myself when I wasn't thinking clearly. I remember the time I woke up in a zoo surrounded by monkeys. I only got away with it because I was under aged and it was found that someone had drugged my drink.”

She looked away, and muttered, “But you aren't interested, and you never will be.” Rubbing her nose with a sniffle, she looked back to me. “I kinda wished that you had. I really like you Louis, but I don't want to lose you as a friend.”

“You won't ever lose me as a friend, Pinkie. I just don't feel that way about you, is all. You are like an annoying little sister to me.” I sighed. “I do love you Pinkie, but only as a friend, and I just hope that will be enough.”

She seemed to cheer up, and the bright smile returned. “Thank you Louis, I accept your friendship!” And like that she gave me another Pinkie-level hug.

“Thanks Pinkie. “ I managed to wheeze out, and the hug eased to bearable levels.

“Uhh, Pinkie?” I muttered.

“Yes Louis?” she replied, breathing into my ear as we hugged tenderly.

“Could you please stop touching my ass?”

“Oopsie!”

Crabapples to the iCore

View Online

Slowly the dreams faded, and the light of morning filtered in through the curtains. I could hear the birds outside chirping and felt a smile begin to crawl its way across my face. I couldn't remember what the dream was about, but it left me feeling so warm and happy that i didn't want to get out of bed. My folks didn't raise a layabout, however, so I hopped out of bed and landed on my hooves.

I was still a bit sore from my little episode, and the next day fixing all the damage I had done didn't help. At least now the worst of my heat was past, and I could get back to my normal Pinkie self. My mane was all kinda frizzy still, but I was still on sick leave, so nopony had to see it but me and Louis, and he didn't seem to mind. A quick shower and some brushy brushy, and I looked good as new! It was the brand new Pinkie 2.0! Suddenly my tummy grumbled at me, and I didn't need Pinkie Sense to know what that meant. Off to the kitchen to see what Louis was up to!

He must have work early today because he was up early making pancakes again. He tells me its the only breakfast he can do without setting something on fire, but his pancakes are always yummy.

“Hiya Louis!” I cheered. “How you doin' today?”

“Not bad Pinkie, you feeling better today?” He smiled at me warmly, as he flipped the pancake with a little flippy motion. It took me years to learn how to do that with my mouth, but his hands made it look easy.

“Yuppers! I feel better than ever, even though I’m still a little sore.” I groaned and stroked my tail, “That was the worst heat ever! Thank goodness it’s over until next year. Now I only have to deal with normal Pinkie feelings.”

“Well that’s good. I can only imagine what it was like with your friends.” Rolling his eyes he went back to working on breakfast.

I took the moment to relax and enjoy the morning. Louis was so nice to me, and he really was a good friend. He wasn't bad looking either. He once told me his mother was a Jamaican Queen, and his father was a Redneck, which made no sense because his neck wasn't red at all. It was actually kinda coffee colored like the rest of him, which made me wonder if he was as yummy as coffee. His mane was curly like mine, but black and short, instead of long and pink. He was thinner than most of the other humans I had seen, but still had some muscle, and a really nice, tight butt.

No, bad Pinkie! We aren’t allowed to think about Louis’ butt, and we especially are not allowed to touch it. Gah! I guess I’m not totally over my heat.

“Look, but don't touch.” I heard him quip, and my eyes shot back up. He wasn't even looking at me, but I could hear the smile in his voice. How does he do that? Maybe he has some kinda Louie Sense?

“O’oh, sorry, I was just umm, thinking about... stuff.” I could feel the blush creeping into my face as I heard him chuckle.

“Are you sure you are okay? I don't have to ask that princess of yours for more of those pills, do I?” He turned around, a stack of nummy pancakes in his hand.

“No, no. I’m fine. Just feeling a little... umm.” I stammered over what to say.

“Frisky?” He offered.

“Umm, yea. Frisky.” I blushed even more, my whole body feeling like it was on fire. “I’m okay now. That stuff did the trick, and that toy... Where do you think the Princess got that anyway?”

“Eh, probably from the internet.” Passing half of the pancakes to my waiting plate, he sat across from me and dug into his meal.

“Them infermmmph?” Oops, I quickly swallowed my own food and tried again. “The internet? Is that that thingy on your desk that you showed me all those pictures and stuff?”

“Actually, that is a computer, and the internet is what is connected to it. There are millions of computers all linked together and sending information to each other.”

“Oooh, I bet my friend Twilight would love that! She’s always reading stuff from books and looking all over for new books.” I grinned and licked my plate clean before putting it in the sink.

“Yeah, I read something about how she’s read half of the library of congress so far, and working on the other half. You weren’t kidding about her being an egghead.” Chuckling, Louis got up with his own plate, and came back with two cups of coffee. Oh sweet Celestia, how I love coffee.

“Oh and those, um... movies you played for me the other day. They were very, um.” And here comes the blush again.

“Hot?” he offered, once again. “Yea, not my cup of tea, since I’m not into ponies, like I said. But there is porn of every kink and kind to be had, and most of it legal.” He laughed darkly. “The internet is for porn.”

“The internet is for porn?” I asked.

“Why’d you think the net was born? Porn.”

“Porn?”

“Porn!”

“Wow. I woulda thought that they could do so much more with it.” Scratching my head I imagine all the work that must go into something so naughty.

“Well it is now, but it was invented by a bunch of lonely college guys, to send dirty pictures back and forth to each other.” Leaning back, Louis smiled and sipped his coffee. “That’s how it all started, but later they decided they could make some money off of it, so they needed to find a better angle. They told everyone that it was used to send information and documents to each other so they could trade knowledge, and most of the companies believed it. Eventually it started to spread, becoming bigger and faster, until everyone was using it for all sorts of things. You can play games, watch movies, read tons and tons of books. But no matter how advanced it gets, it’s still based on the delivery of porn to every computer in every home in America, and beyond.”

“Wow, that’s alotta porn.” And suddenly I felt a combo coming on. Itchy mane, twitchy eye, achy breaky heart. This meant that I was going to get something new and life changing! Oh, and another one! Raised tail, itchy hoof, and twitchy tushy... Oh, that just meant I was still feeling ‘frisky’. I guess it must be all the talk about porn.

All this went unnoticed by Louis, who was finishing his coffee. “Well I need to get to work. I’ll see you tonight, Pinkie.”

I smiled and waved to him absently as I started to think. I had some shopping to do! But first I needed another shower.

Since they still won't let me have my driver’s license, I had to call a cab. Cabs in this world aren't as nice as Equestria, although the drivers can be just as rude. After waiting half an hour, one pulled in front of the house and honked at me. Quickly grabbing my bags I bounced up to the vehicle and greeted the driver.

“Heya cabbie person! Thanks for coming!” Opening the door I popped inside and grinned at him.

“Soo, uhh. What’s with the costume?” He looked rather confused, but I was getting used to the reaction by now. There were still very few ponies around.

“Oh silly, this isn't a costume, it’s a pony! Oooh, but do you know any costume parties? I would totally like to go to one!” I used my best Pinkie charm to win him over. It never fails! Well, almost never. Mebbe 50 percent. I think.

“Oh, so you are one of them ponies I heard bout on the news? My daughter loves the show, and has a bunch of the toys.” He paused to scratch his head. “But you don't look nuttin like the toys I got her.”

“That’s because I’m the real deal, Pinkie Pie, Party Planner Extraordinaire!” Beaming my best Pinkie smile, I pulled out a card and handed it to him. I had Louis make them for me, and they turned out great! “Those ponies on TV are just silly cartoons, but I’m the original.”

He took the card,looking at me funny then stuffed it in his pocket. “S’ok. So where you wanna go little pony? You do have money for the ride, right? Cuz this ain't no petting zoo.”

“Yepperooni! I got my money right here.” Pulling out my purse, I showed him some of the money inside. His eyes bulged a bit, then he turned away from me and started the meter. “Please take me to Pencils, at the mall. I’m gonna meet my friend there.”

“Whatever you say kid. We’ll be there in no time.” And with that we were off.

I had only been in a car a few times, usually with Louis, but this one was not like his. He had a nice clean car, with a polished sheen on everything. He spent a day every week cleaning and polishing it, and he was really angry the time I tried to help. This car was old and dirty looking, with stains on everything and dirt on the windows. The driver smelled like stale cigarettes, and had a face like an old leather bag. It would be a happy old man face, if he wasn't looking at me funny in the mirror all the time. I ignored it and looked out the window instead.

The town I was in looked so much different than Ponyville. We had happy, bright colored houses, with happy, bright colored ponies living in them. Here everything was grey, brown, and dull colors, with the people looking the same. It made me kinda sad that everyone was so dull, but most of them seemed to not notice. I would have to find a way to throw more parties to cheer them all up! I was making lots of friends at work, and the customers always love to see me working. I had to stop giving the children pony rides however, since they said they couldn't afford the accidental insurance if someone got hurt. As if I would ever let a child get hurt! I was a great foalsitter, after all.

But none of the friends I have met have been as nice as Louis. He got mad when I messed things up, but he never stayed that way. He was always there for a hug, or a snuggle, and laughed at most of my jokes. He was as good a friend as Dashie, and I was happy that I had answered his ad. I would definitely have to invite my other friends to come visit so they could meet him!

Soon we arrived, and I happily gave the cabbie his fare, with a nice tip. I also offered him a cupcake, but it it had gotten smashed on the way, so he didn't seem very interested. I just shrugged and ate it myself. As I waved to one of my co-workers next door, I turned to see the big Pencils sign over my head. Louis told me he sold computers, so if I wanted to buy one, he would be the best person to ask for help!

I bounced inside, getting the usual looks and waves from the other customers. By now the other employees all knew me from all the times I visited Louis at work. He always seemed annoyed, but I knew it was just because his meanie boss gave him a hard time if he talked to friends. But today I was more than a friend, I was a customer!

“Hey Louis!” I yelled to him as I bounced up to the counter. He was ringing up another customer, and he waved back to me. Don was behind him with his head stuck inside a computer, and he waved to me as well. “Heya Donnie Boy! How’s it hangin?”

“A little to the left, same as always, Pinkie.” he responded back. Louis just facepalmed and looked back to his customer.

After he was done, I waved goodbye to the customer, and turned back to Louis. He didn't look happy. He never looked happy when he was at work. I once asked him why he wasn't ever happy at work, and all he would say was ‘Because Retail’. I really wasn't sure what that meant, but I sure hoped it never happened to me!

“So what ya need, Pinkie? I’m working, so can’t talk without getting the boss on my ass.” We both looked to the front of the store, where the meanie boss was staring at us. He looked like my friend Cranky when I first met him. One of these days I was going to throw him an extra special party and wipe that mean look off his face.

“Well, remember how we were talking about the internet?” He waved me down to lower my voice. “Oh sorry, it’s just I was thinking.” and this earned me an eye roll. Not all of my ideas have turned out so great since coming to this world. “No, really. I wanna buy a computer of my own, so I can look up stuff, play games, and.. uhh. Y’know.”

“Look at porn? Louis deadpanned.

“No! I mean, maybe, I mean... I wanna look up stuff for planning parties, and talk to my friends. They have been sending me letters telling me to get online, so they can talk to me on Blather, and Stalkerbook. And my friend Vinyl keeps bugging me to play World of Wubcraft, whatever that is.” To this I received some sage nodding, and then a smile. One of those creepy ones he likes to scare people with. I think it’s kinda cute, myself.

“Good! I can help you with that.” He said loudly, as he waved at his boss, motioning me over to the computer display. The boss just glared back, looking like he had really bad gas.

“So, are you looking for a laptop, or a desktop?” he asked, motioning to the various displays. I had no idea that there were so many types of computer. I saw some that looked like books held open, others that were big TV looking things like Louis had, and even little square things that looked like roofing tiles with pictures on them.

“Uhh, I dunno Louis. I don't have a desk or a lap, so how do I decide?” Looking around at the different screens, my head started to hurt as I realized how little I knew about this stuff.

“Well, laptop is just a name. It’s a more portable version, not as powerful, but easier to carry around. A desktop is the big box things like I have, and a monitor attaches so you can see what you are doing. We can always get you a desk, whichever you choose.”

“Can I just get one like you have then? You can teach me how to use it.” I beamed at the easy resolution.

“Well my rig is a custom built gaming system. It’s way more powerful than anything you can buy off the shelf.” Scratching his goatee, he thought a moment. I thought it was funny that he called it a goatee, since it didn't look like a goat. Although I did have goat tea once, and it was horrible. I wonder if his beard tasted like goat tea?

Suddenly I realized that he had been talking, and snapped back to attention. “Oh, sorry, what were you saying?”

“I said, maybe we can get you one of these Crapple computers, and upgrade it to run faster. I can put some better equipment in it. That way if you want to play some better games, you can.”

“Why do they call them Crapple? Are they no good?” I poked a hoof at one of the shiny boxes he was showing me.

“Oh, they are pretty good. Crabapple computers makes some decent equipment, even if they are a bit overpriced, marketed more to be trendy than useful, and they just have a weird cult following.” Patting one, he showed me the screen and how to bring up a web page. It looked so pretty that I knew it had to be the right choice!

“I’ll take it! And I will need a desk to put it on. Can you have it sent to the house?” I bounced on my tippy hooves with excitement at owning my very own Crapple computer.

“Sure thing, Pinkie. I can actually get it set up here, and bring it home with me after work. We can have you cruising the internet in no time.” Beaming at me, he walked me over to the counter where Don was still face deep in some repair. “Hey Don, think you can have this done before I leave? Pinkie wants to go on the internet.”

“Ya, sure. This stupid Shmell computer is toast anyway, so I’m giving up on it.” Withdrawing himself from the innards of the gutted machine, he smiled at me. The smile got a bit uncomfortable after a while as he kept staring, and I remembered that Louis had mentioned he was one of the Bronies that seemed to worship us ponies. After a moment he finally snapped out of whatever trance he was in and finished. “Sorry, umm. Just keep away from HaterChan. Those guys are kinda creepy, and they tend to post some nasty stuff about ponies.”

“Will do Donnie! Thanks for the help.” With a happy bounce I hopped off to pick out a desk.

Unfortunately all the desks were dull and serious looking, so I just picked one at random that I could stand at when I didn't wanna use a chair. They didn't have any pony chairs either, so I went with a cute pink stool. Before I knew it, I was at the checkout, and paying for everything. Louis gave me a concerned face when when he saw I still had a bunch of cash in my bags, but just shook his head.

“Heya there miss, I just wanted to thank you for shopping at Pencils!” I nearly jumped out of my fur as the meanie boss came up behind me, offering a hand to shake. He had a fake smile, and I bet his palms were all sweaty too. I stared at it for a moment, as if it would bite me, but then cautiously shook his hand. It was sweaty and gross. “I take it Louis has been taking good care of you?” He pretended to look at me, but I could see his eyes flicking back to the money in my hoof. I also thought it was odd that he pretended not to know me, when he had already gotten angry a few times when I had tried to visit Louis on his break.

Let me tell you, as an expert on making ponies smile, I knew all types of smile. This was the phoniest of phoney smiles, and it made me feel ill to look at. But I just smiled back, and nodded. “Yes mister boss, Louis is the best employee here!” I quickly turned away, not bearing to look at the horrible fake smile anymore, and handed the cashier my money. I thanked her and grabbed my receipt before dashing for the door, yelling, “ThanksLouis! Seeyoulaterbye!”

Finally away from the fake smile and the sweaty hands, I relaxed a little. Stopping by my work to check in with my boss, she was happy to hear I was ready to come back the next day. They already had three parties lined up for me to plan, and there was alot of work to do. A party planner’s work is never done!

After that was settled, it was such a beautiful day that I decided to hop home instead of riding. I took the scenic route, passing a park and stopped to play with some of the children there. Many of them wanted to pet me, which tickled alot, but then we settled on a game of hide and seek. I am a master hider, and won most of the games, although sometimes my poofy tail gave me away. It was all great fun until some of the older kids showed up and started teasing them about playing with a pink pony. I told them they were just jealous because they were too big to get free pony rides. I must have been right because one of them looked like he was about to cry, and the other just got really really red like he was embarrassed. After that they left us alone.

All too soon the children had to go home, and I continued my own trip. It was good to be home, and soon Louis would be here with my new Crapple! Almost as if by magic, I heard the door open and my bestest friend arrive with a big box in his hands. I helped him bring it to my room, and then we retrieved the desk. I had to sit back and watch him work, since I couldn't make any sense of the directions, but soon the desk and computer was all set up.

“So, I upped the memory to sixteen gigabytes, optimized the hard drive and blah blah blah, something about software and cores...” I kinda tuned him out as I felt my eyes glaze over. It was like listening to Twilight giving one of her lectures, but soon it was over and he was staring at me expectantly.

“Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention.” I shook my head and coughed nervously. “You were saying something about apple cores and jiggle butts?” I snickered into my hoof. “What kind of naughty stuff did you do to my computer?”

He took a long sigh, and rubbed his temples like he had a headache before continuing at a slower pace. “What I said was... You know what? It doesn't matter. This thing is fast, it will do anything you need it to do. Hop in the chair and lemme show you how it works.”

I hopped like instructed, getting comfy at the desk. He leaned over my shoulder and wrapped his arm around me to grab the thingy with the cord. I smiled and leaned into him, feeling the warmth and smelling his human-y smell. He didn't pull away, so I stayed that way as he started his lesson.

“This is called a mouse. Don’t ask, it just is.” I nodded, and he continued. “You move it to control the little arrow on the screen. Click to use things, right click to get menus and other stuff. Some things need you to double click. No. You do not double right click. Ever.” I blinked and looked up at him. I was getting the feeling he gave this lesson alot.

“So you can open programs that way, clicking these icons on the desktop.” Again he sighed, as I looked down at the desk. “The desktop is what we call this main screen, on the monitor.” I chuckled nervously. “The main one you will most likely be using is the browser, here. I installed Icewolf, use that to find stuff. It opens to Goofle, and you can just ask it stuff. I even installed a headset so you can use your voice to type.”

“There sure are alotta funny names for stuff on the computer. I guess I can try to remember them. Thanks for helping me Louis, I really appreciate all of this.” I smiled and reached up to hug him and he returned it.

“It’s cool, Pinkie. I just get alotta morons that try to use computers and I have to teach them all stuff that nobody ever taught me. They are too lazy to learn on their own, and want to be spoon fed everything. Just makes me cranky.” He smiled and stepped back.

“But you don't look anything like my friend, Cranky!” I joked, getting a smile and his typical eye roll. “Thanks again, Louis. I think I kinda got the basic idea, and I’ll come get you if I need help.” I scratched my chin and looked at the screen a moment, before asking, “What should I do first?”

“Well, when I started years ago, we used to have fun going to sites like ‘Gerbil-dance’, or ‘You’re the Dog now Man’. I don't even know if those sites are around anymore, and most folks just hang out on Stalkerbook and Blutube.” He shrugged, and waved at the screen. “I would start with some Goofle Searches, and maybe look up some info on how to use the internet. Just stay clear of any Chan boards. Trust me on this one.” He nodded firmly and crossed his arms.

“Okies, Louis, thanks!” I beamed as he turned to leave, and then stared at my newest toy.

My first search was for Gerbil-dance, since Louis suggested it. I got a page of stuff, looking like one of Twilight’s lists. I clicked on the first one, and was amused to see little critters spinning and dancing on the screen, while singing. I giggled and imagined how much Fluttershy would love this. Soon however, I realized the whole thing just kept repeating and I grew bored.

Going back to the search, I tried the second link, but it looked nothing like the first. This one had a little movie in the center, that started out blurry. First I saw a little critter, all cute and fuzzy running in a wheel. After a moment I saw a big human hand reach in and pick him up, as the camera turned to follow. I was a bit confused at first, because the the human looked kinda funny, but then I realized he wasn't wearing any clothes. I couldn't help but wonder if Louis looked like that without his clothes, and I felt my cheeks start to burn.

“What is he doing to that little critter?” I wondered allowed, as I saw him grab a small tube, and stuff the critter inside. And then he bent over in front of the camera... and... I quickly closed the window. “Eew! Don was right, some humans are sick! That poor little critter!”

Shaking my head, pondered asking Louis about what I had seen, but decided to brave it on my own. Louis said he hated when people didn't try to learn on their own, so I wanted to try myself. Cautiously I reopened the program, and decided to try some of the things my friends suggested. “Let’s try Stalkerbook!" All my friends said they were on it, and kept bugging me to join them. “If all of my friends are on it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

TWO HOURS LATER...

Happy that Pinkie had finally found something to entertain herself, I spent a little quality time of my own online. I turned down yet another invite from Don to attend a brony meetup, but promised to pass it along to Pinkie. Email was quickly dispatched, spam folders flushed, and the lone email from mom replied to. That left a bit of time for some entertainment. Porn was getting a bit stale, and after the recent events with Pinkie, I wasn't in the mood. There wasn't any new movies I wanted to watch, and I didn't feel like reading. That left a few hours of mindless building on Mindcrack!

It’s one of those addictive indie games, easy to get into, and hard to stop playing. You smash things, collect stuff, use the stuff to build new things. Rinse and repeat. A great way to relieve stress after a day of serving the unwashed masses.

I was well into my session, building a nice evil lair on the side of a cliff, overlooking a hapless village below. Suddenly I heard the sound of hooves tapping frantically on my door. With a groan, I turned off the game and opened the door to see a teary eyed Pinkie wringing her hooves with worry.

“What did you break, Pinkie?

“I think I'm in trouble! I was restarting the computer because it was acting funny and I read online that turning it off and on again usually fixes things, but now it says my computer is locked and that they found bad things on my computer and if I don't pay them they will send somepony to take me to jail!” She looked on the verge of a meltdown as her avalanche of words tumbled out. Pausing to take a breath she went on, “I’m so sorry Louis I didn't know that it was bad but I was on Stalkerbook and my friends said I should post some pictures of myself and the twins so I scanned some pics of them and because they are babies i decided to post some pics of me as a baby and now I’m gonna go to jail for foal porn!”

As she stopped for another breath, I placed a hand over her muzzle. Very calmly I leaned down and asked her, “You turned off the Antivirus, didn't you?” A frantic nod was my reply. Taking my hand off, I walked toward the room, beckoning her to follow.

At the scene of the crime was a well known image of the latest in scams circulating the internet. A screen full of dire, yet vague threats telling you that you were being locked out of your computer for doing various illegal things, and demanding money to unlock it.

“Why did you turn off the antivirus?” I asked, keeping my voice calm.

“Well I got an invite from my friend to play World of Wubcraft, and I downloaded it. But when it tried to install it said it was having trouble, so I had to turn off my antivirus, so I did. But after it installed, it says you need a credit card to play, so since I don't have one, I just gave up and went back to Stalkerbook to talk to my friends. But after I finished playing few games with them, the computer started acting weird, so I turned it off and on like I heard you should do. And then this!” She covered her mouth with a hoof and looked frightened.

I sighed, and collapsed into the chair, shaking my head. “First off, pinkie, you are not in trouble. Nobody found porn on your machine, and just posting pics isn't bad, as long as nothing naughty is being done.” She seemed to relax a bit, but the look of worry was still on her face. “Second, you have a virus. You have a virus because you foolishly turned off your antivirus and then went to the most virus-filled website on the planet.” Her face fell from worry, to one of shame, and her ears drooped like a kicked puppy.”

“I’m sorry Louis. I just wanted you to not hate me because I didn't try on my own.”

“No, no. None of that. This is what I do for a living, fixing the mistakes of folks that are ignorant and foolish. Both can be forgiven as long as you learn from them.” Her ears perked up at this, and she stepped closer. “Don’t ever be afraid to ask me questions, Pinkie. It’s not ignorance that I hate, it’s stupidity. If you don’t know something, and seek to learn it, that is always a good thing. It’s the fucktards that know better and still do something stupid that piss me off.”

“So you’re not mad at me?” It was heartbreaking to see her trying so hard for my approval. I reached out and let her have a big hug.

“No Pinkie. You annoy me at times, but I ain't even mad.” Pulling back I looked into her smiling face. “Now go make me some coffee, I’m gonna be here for a bit while I fix this.” As she hopped off to the kitchen, I sighed and went back to my room to retrieve my tools. I had to wonder how cute the pictures of baby ponies would be once I fixed this mess. They certainly couldn't be bad enough to get anyone in trouble, even if there were laws against it. I mean, pictures of baby animals were the staple of motivational posters worldwide.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind that made me stop as I was walking back to her room. I don't even own a scanner, and neither did Pinkie. So how the hell did she upload pics of herself?

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17SLtU5a7FLbYwkTxdGdUuaaACavDx9Fn-KjOP73729g/edit#

And now, time for something completely different!

You all asked what Louis looked like, and now you have it. I based his look off a combination of the guy I got the name from and my friend Zyrian. The original Louis is from Guatemala, and is a nice guy with a funny accent. He really does say his name as "Loo-ees".

As for Pinkie's dreams... well let's just say a friend, and fan of mine has been pestering me to do another lost chapter. I told her she's good enough to write her own stories, but she insists on writing parts of mine. Naughty parts. I did insist that she make it a dream sequence, so continuity is preserved. She says she is working on it, and I will post a link when its ready. She also stole some of my unused ideas from chapter 3, so its gonna be funny as well as dirty.

So yea, TL;DR expect an upcoming clop chapter, written by my friend, taking place between chapters 3-4. It will NOT be part of this story, and will be posted elsewhere.

Zyrian is also working on a chapter somewhere along the line, I'll post more when he updates me.

Rainbow Connection

View Online

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Damn you Mr. McFeely, now that song is going to be stuck in my head. But it was a beautiful day. I had two glorious days off, Pinkie was off visiting one of her friends, and I had plenty of uninterrupted time to clean the house and make it neat again. Living with Pinkie was never dull, but it was rather messy, and to a neat freak like me, that was stressful. Between her spontaneous redecorating, to her random parties, the house hasn't been the same since she arrived. I was growing used to it, but deep down I still didn't like it. Now it was cleaning day, and nobody, or pony, was going to get in my way!

“Checklist!” Check. Pinkie had compared me to Twilight when she saw my checklist. They get stuff done, end of discussion.

“Old cloths?” Check.
“Gloves?” Check.
“Goggles?” Check.
“Vacuum with fresh bag?” Check.
“miPud with a drive full of 90’s death metal?” Oh fuckin checkmate!

I pulled down the goggles and surveyed my arena of battle, grinning at the task before me. “Let’s get it on!”

Metal and meat thrashed together in my ears as I worked in a frenzied pace. Furniture was moved, rugs were pulled, and curtains were yanked. I even did the windows. *shudder* Soon the world blurred into a whirl of dust, cleaning solutions, and lemon fresh scent. I was a cleaning GOD!

A few hours later I flopped on my couch and surveyed my accomplishments. The sun shone brightly through clean windows, the rugs were all pristine and straight, and not a spec of dust could be found anywhere. A sense of satisfaction flowed through me, as the smell of an overworked body wafted off of me. I felt as dirty as the room was clean, and I really needed a shower to finish off the day and finally relax.

Plodding into the bathroom, I stripped down. Having the house to myself again felt good, and I could relax. As I stepped in front of the mirror, I flexed a bit, my tight and toned body making me grin with pride. My father had been built like a pro wrestler, and my mother looked like a fashion model, giving me a genetic advantage that meant I only had to work out twice a week at the gym to maintain my good looks. Not that it mattered too much to a nerd like me, but it didn't hurt. I turned a few heads at the beach, sure, but I usually had mine stuck too far in a book to notice. It sure did make the other stereotypical geeks jealous, and helped keep the jocks off my back in school.

A quick trim of the beard, what Don loved to call the ‘Evil Twin’ goatee, and I was ready for my reward of a hot shower. Stretching the kinks out, and washing away the sweat and grime was always one of life’s simple pleasures that I indulged in, and I spent some extras time indulging. I may have even busted into song, not that I would ever admit to such. Damn it felt good to be a gangsta.

Far too soon I exited the warm bliss of flowing water and toweled myself dry. A final check in the mirror showed my normal confident self, and I grinned as I exited the bathroom, and entered...

Gay pride day at the Mardi Gras.

“What the actual fuck is going on?” I knew how silly the question was as soon as it left my lips, but I was still shocked. My perfectly neat, clean, and orderly house had been transformed into a polychromatic warzone of color. Rainbow streamers and balloons hung across the room, as multicolored confetti and wall hangings festooned every surface. I stood in utter shock at what had happened in the all too brief time in the sanctity of my shower.

“Heya Louis!” Pinkie Pie popped into my field of view, grinning maniacally as usual. “Ooh, you are looking sexy!” I was too shocked to rationalize the fact that I was wearing only a towel, and bare from the waist up. I was far too occupied with trying to retrieve my jaw from the floor where it had dropped after finding my six hours of work reduced to a rainbow extravaganza. Even the fact that I was being ogled by my roommate failed to break through my distress. It broke me, and I sank to my knees in despair.

“What. The. Fuck?” I felt tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the ruin of my peaceful weekend.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you! My friend, rainbow Dash changed her plans. She heard so much about you in my letters, that she decided to come visit here instead of me visiting her!” Bouncing around the room, my pink tormentor grinned happily, unfazed by my obvious distress. “Isn’t it exciting! I am so excited to have my old friend meet my new friend and then both of my friends can hang out with me and be friends!”

That got my attention. “Wait, what?” I scrambled to my feet, grasping at my towel. “Another of your friends is coming here? Didn’t I tell you to warn me before inviting anyone over?”

“I’m sorry, I totally forgot! I was all set to go visit her for the weekend, but then she called me and said that she was on her way here, and I didn't have time to tell you. I ran to work to get supplies so I can throw her a welcome party. When I came back you were in the shower I decorated as fast as I could.”

“Dammit. All my hard work!” I whined. “You will clean up every damn speck of this mess the moment she is gone, and then me and you are going to have a serious talk.” I started to walk back towards my room when the thought struck me, “When does she arrive?”

“Oh she is flying in, so she will be here any time now!” Bouncing in place, the normal grin was back as she turned to look out the window.

“Bah, fine. I’m gonna get dressed and go outside then. It’s too beautiful a day, and all this color is giving me a headache.” I grumbled to myself as I retired to my bedroom, holding my towel and my dignity as best I could.

Dressed and out the door, I sat on my porch awaiting my fate. If the other pony was as spastic as Pinkie, I wasn't sure I would be able to tolerate it, but if I could just keep my cool until she left, maybe me and Pinkie could salvage things. Who was I kidding, Pinkie would make it worse. IT was up to me again.

Suddenly the mare in question came bolting out of the front door, and started running circles on the lawn under the large maple in the front yard. “Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail! Look out Louis, I got the twitcha-twitch!”

Rolling my eyes, I started walking toward her to find out what the problem was. “Pinkie, I told you I’m not interested in your tail, so please stop being crude in public. The neighbor has already complained once.”

“No, no! You don’t understand! My Pinkie Sense is telling me that something is gonna- OOF!” Suddenly cut off, the pink mare disappeared in a blur of rainbow, and reappeared against the tree.

“Oh, hi Rainbow Dash!” her cheery voice rang out. “You found the address okay?”

“Heya, Pinkie Pie!” A rougher voice came from the multicolored pony pile. “You always make for the softest landings.”

As the two untangled themselves, two separate ponies appeared, both laughing at each other, before looking at me. I was still staring, amazed at the lack of blood from such a collision, and the resulting tumble.

“So, Dashie, welcome to our home. This is my friend, Louis. He’s my roommate.” In an overloud stage whisper, she leaned in to warn her blue friend, “Don't call him Louie, it makes him cranky.”

“That’s funny, he doesn't look like a donkey.” Dash replied in a similar whisper.

“I know, that’s what I said!” And once again they fell into a fit of giggles. I just rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, waiting for the childish display to end.

“Louis, this is my bestest buddy, and prank mate, Rainbow Dash! She’s the fastest pegasus in Equestria. “ Grinning, Pinkie waved her friend forward.

“Fastest on Earth too, y’know? Pleased to meet ya!” Giving me an appraising look, Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow and elbowed her friend in the ribs. “You were right Pinkie, he does have a nice butt.”

This broke my cool. “What the hell? Why are you looking at my ass? I thought you were supposed to be a lesbian!”

“Who the hell said I was a filly fooler? I’m too damn awesome to be munching mares all the time.” It was Dash’s turn to roll her eyes, but she didn't seem upset at my outburst.

“I told Pinkie I thought you slept with females, and said everyone in Ponyville knew about it. That kinda make you a lesbian.” I presented my logical argument.

“Oh silly, I never said she only slept with mares!” Pinkie bounced over and gave me a random hug, grinning back at her friend.

“It’s no big deal, I actually get that alot. When I showed up in California, all these people started wanting to hang with me because of my hair. They were nice folks, and we became friends, but I found out later they all thought it was some sorta statement about being gay.” Smirking, she wiggled her tail at me. “I’m way too awesome-sexual to only stick to one gender...” turning to wink at me, she grinned again, “or one species, for that matter.”

“Ooh no. Not interested. No offense, but I’m just not into ponies.” I backed up, pushing Pinkie away by demonstration.

“Oh come on, don't knock it till ya try it, big fella. Everypony wants to taste the rainbow. Everypony.” Sticking her tongue out, she flicked her tail again, before turning to face me with a lecherous grin.

“Yea, I heard about you and that football team. I mean, damn, the whole team?” It was my turn to grin seductively.

“Naa it’s not what you think! They just helped me keep my mind off things after I caught myself winking at a cute colt at the zoo. He almost had me covered, until some kids started cheering me on and snapped me out of it.” Covering her eyes, she looked at the ground in embarrassment. “Boy was that a bad day. But I had some friends on the team, and they let me train with them for the day to keep my mind off the heat. Although, I think I may have traumatized a few of them when we tried some wrestling. Pegasai wrestling can be a bit.. aggressive.”

I couldn't help but laugh at the image. “You wrestle? It’s a grappling sport, so how does that even work?” I demonstrated by wiggling my hands at her.

“Oh it works better than you may think. We may not have hands, but we do have six limbs, and alot more flexibility. Traditional pegasai wrestling is done in the clouds, and you need to make your opponent submit before you fall 10,000 feet. So its be quick, or be dead.”

“Awesome, I’d love to see that. I used to wrestle in high school. It helped to keep the real jocks off my ass. Well, in a manner of speaking.” I flexed a little, being proud of my rare physique. Most gamer geeks were either skinny rails, or blobs of jello. Having an awesome bod was something I had every right to be proud of, even if it did get me some unwanted attention. Cute, furry attention.

“Well why not now? I’ll show you my moves, if you show me yours...” Again she winked at me in what was supposed to be a seductive manner. I ignored it, and pulled my shirt off with a grin.

“Yay! Take it off Louis!” Pinkie cheered, then coughed at the dirty look I gave her. “Ahem, I mean, go to it Louis! Show Dashie what you can do!”

I just chuckled, and knelt down near Dash. “So how you wanna do this, face off, or top/bottom?”

“Meh, I prefer to be on top of course, handsome. But to be fair, lets face off.” Grinning, she rose onto her hind legs, and used her wings to balance as her front hooves met mine. “Okies, Pinkie. Give the go.”

“Okie, Dokie! ONETWOTHREEGO!” Pinkie belted out, then lept backwards.

Instantly I felt the hooves in my hands flex, trying to grip, and looking for a way to set me off balance. We both grinned at each other and tested for a weakness, but despite my bigger size, we were about equally matched in strength. Slowly I twisted my arms in a circle, expecting to find weakness in the motion range of a quadruped, but Dash managed to match my arm movements without any signs of discomfort. I then tried to lean forward to use my larger mass to off balance her, but she countered with her wings, and pushed back. At one point I almost lost my grip, as she whipped a wing forward to try tickling me, but I held fast.

Suddenly, there was a shift, one foreleg went down, and I use the opportunity to roll her into a submission hold. Just as quick, she was out of it, using her wing for extra leverage to break the hold. Back again, I leaned my weight, forcing her onto her back pinning her wings under her, as my knees held her lower legs and my arms pinned her forelegs, I almost had her pinned, but her wings kept her shoulders off the ground far enough to prevent a pin, and I continued to lean my weight forward. I knew the weight on her wings at this angle had to be painful, so I was going for a submission. I could see the pain on her face as she gritted her teeth, and I leaned closer, grinning victoriously.

All of a sudden, there was a movement as the blue face leaned forward and planted her lips on mine. I felt my eyes go wide in shock, as she kissed me deeply, my mouth opened in surprise, letting her tongue in to wrestle with mine. It takes me another precious moment to realize that I am being french kissed by a pony, before I freak out and pull back. That was all that is needed to break my hold, and in the next moment I am looking at the beautiful blue sky, as the air rushes out of my lungs and I go flying backwards through the air.

I still can't decide what was worse, the kiss, the lost match, or the pain of landing with no air in my lungs after being mule kicked with all four hooves by a pony that had just molested me. My everything hurt. And to top it off, I was being laughed at.

“Ha ha ha! That was classic! You gotta keep your eyes on the prize if you wanna win against Rainbow DOOOF!” I looked up just in time to see a pink blur slam into the triumphant flier, spinning several times, before she landed face down with Pinkie on her back holding Dash’s blue wings in some sort of submission hold.

“You keep your hooves off of my man! I saw him first!” A rather scary transformation had taken over my pink roommate, as her hair had once again gone straight, and a manic gleam showed in her eyes while she inflicted pain on her friend.

“Ow, Pinkie stop! UNCLE! UNCLE!” The blue mare tapped out, finally getting a reprieve from the pink psychopath. Pinkie hopped back off of the pegasus, and shook her head, causing the curls to miraculously reappear.

“Oopsie, I got a little carried away. Sorry!” Giggling sweetly, Pinkie smiled at her friend, all sign of the bloodthirsty creature gone in the blink of an eye.

“Seriously, Pinks. Chill out. It’s not like you haven't had your chance at the guy. “ Getting to her hooves, the blue mare tempted fate by giving me another wink. I just glared at her in return.

“Seriously? Just no. Not interested. Let it go.” I replied.

“No! He was my friend first, and you need to back off Dashie.” Pinkie returned, ignoring me completely.

“Oh really? Why isn't he twisted around your hoof by now, hmm? I bet I could make him mine in te-”

“Finish that sentence, and you will be eating your own feathers.” Back to serious, Pinkie stared her friend down.

“Hello. Right here.” I replied, waving my arms. “I’m not into either of you.”

“Oooh, do I sense a bit of jealousy? How about we make a bet on it?” Grinning wickedly, Dash held out a hoof. “First mare to win him over wins. And I always win.”

“Not gonna happen. Don't like ponies. Got a boob fetish here! No tits, no interest, so you can both stop.” And yet they still ignored me.

“You’re on! I can make him my special somepony without even trying! Then you can go back to flirting with Big Mac.” Meeting hooves, the two mares shook on the deal. At this point they were almost muzzle to muzzle, and both grinning insanely.

“Bah, not gonna happen. I am gonna win. Besides, Applejack gets really scary when you try to flirt with her brother.”

“For Christ’s sake, will you two just kiss and get it over with?” I cried. You could almost taste the tension in the air. Or maybe it was blood. I was definitely going to have some bruises.

“Oh will you look at that, it’s working already. He wants to see two mares make out! I bet I can make him so hot he will be mine by tomorrow.” Rainbow Dash finally seemed to notice me.

“Aw hell naw. I am just sick of seeing this bullshit lover’s angst. You two need to just get a room together and work out your issues. Without me.” I declared. It was really getting pretty deep, and the two were obviously working through some past relationship issues.

“Face the facts, handsome. Everypony comes crawling back eventually for a taste of the sweet, sweet rainbow.” Finishing the shake, Rainbow Dash sauntered away, flicking her tail at me as she passed. “See you two tomorrow. I have some shopping to do. Nice meeting ya Louis.” As she prepared to take off, I saw her wink over her shoulder. Both winks. I turned away and shuddered as I realized she wasn't wearing any underclothes. This was gonna be a shitty two days off.

After giving instructions to put the house back the way it was, and threatening to take away her coffee supply if she didn't, I left Pinkie to her work and went out find some distraction. I called Don and he agreed to meet me at a local bar, it was one of those local microbrewery places, but the beer was good and cheap.

After getting a booth and ordering a round, and some grub, I looked up to see Don walking in. I waved him over, and grinned happily as my beer arrived.

“Heya Louis, what's up with you today? I figured you would be enjoying your day off.” Looking around at some of the girls waiting tables, he looked back at me with a grin. “Not that this isn't enjoyable.”

“I had to get outta the house before I committed equicide, and caused a diplomatic incident.” I took a long drink from my beer and sighed as my friend parsed my comment.

“Wait, you and Pinkie? What’s wrong, I thought you two were tight?” Sounding almost hurt, he matched my drink.

“Yea, well not just here. Now its her and Rainbow Dash.” I couldn't help but smirk as his eyes grew large and he tried not to choke on his beer.

“Holy shit man, you got Rainbow Dash living with you too? My god man, you are living every brony’s dream!”

“Naa, she’s just visiting for a while. First Pinkie turns my house into a gay pride explosion, and now the two of them are competing to see who can win me over. It’s just been a weird day.” I sighed again, and finished my beer in a gulp. Lucky I always order two, and I waved the waitress over for a refill.

“You lucky bastard! I can't believe you haven't hit that already. If i were in your place I’d be balls deep in pink pony poon! And Dashie could make it a threesome.” Grinning lecherously, he leaned back.

“You need help, dude. That's just sick.” I couldn't help but shudder at the image. “I mean for one thing, she’s not human. She’s a damn pony. I don’t care what they call it now, it’s just sick. She’s a cute kid, I love her like a little sister now, but that just makes things worse.” I swallowed more beer to wash the bad taste from my mouth.

“Well so what if she isn't human? It’s two sentient, consenting adults. And if not her, why not Dashie? I bet she’s a wildcat in the sack.” He paused as the next round of drinks arrived, and I used my best fake sales smile as the cute girl took our order for food.

“Hey, I overheard you saying you know a pony?” I shot Don a dirty look, then nodded to the waitress. “I love ponies, they are so cute! I used to watch the show all the time, and had all the toys. Now we have one working here, and it’s just so awesome! You must be lucky to have one as a friend.”

“Yea, its a real treat living with a pink party animal. I deadpanned and looked away from the gushing woman before me.

“Yea, and I was just telling him, if since he has one wanting to get into his pants, he should just go for it!” Don just smiled innocently as I facepalmed.

“What the fuck? That's sick, you perverted freak. Ponies are cute innocent creatures, not some sex toy.” She grew livid, and I started to edge away. Don just sputtered. “I’ve met some real sick fucks working here, but you are the creepiest yet. I hope someone kicks your ass.” and with that, she turned and walked out. I saw her flip off the manager and yell something I couldn't make out over the music, before storming out the door.

“Well done Donnie boy. You just pissed of our waitress.” Chugging the last of my beer, I stood up to leave, while a stunned Don just stared at the table. “Well, at least she didn't get to spit in our food. See ya round, Donnie.”

As I walked towards the exit, I stopped at the manager and pulled out my wallet to pay. “What’s the damage?”

Looking embarrassed, the manager waved me off. “No sir, apologize for my server. It’s on the house. We keep an open mind here for people with... alternative lifestyles, and her actions are not accepted by the management.” He started to look rather uncomfortable as he swallowed nervously. “I hope that this does not effect your patronage, or that of your, uhh, partner.”

“Dafuq you talkin bout?” Aww no he didn’t.

“The server mentioned she didn't approve of your, um, relationship with a pony. We don't judge! It’s your business, and we appreciate your patronage!” Taking a step back, as if he may catch something, the manager just nodded and smiled nervously.

Holding the bridge of my nose and shaking my head, I sighed wearily. “Look, I don't know what she heard, or what she said. I am not, never have been, nor will I ever be, a pony fucker.” I waved to the table where Don was trying to shrink down and not get noticed. “My friend over there may be, since he’s a brony. I don't know, and I don't wanna know. I have pony friends, but that's all they are. So you can tell your little miss innocent pony lover that she can eat a dick. Preferably mine, since I like to fuck cute HUMAN chicks.”

“I, I...” he began to stutter, his face turning a rather unflattering purple color.

“Seriously, man? Fuckit, I was joking. I ain't even mad, but I still ain't a pony fucker. So just chill out, and tell the waitress I said I was sorry for my friend. I’ll even bring my pony friend by some day to meet her, and she get all dewy eyed over her childhood fantasies.” I shrugged and turned to leave, but turned back to say, “In the meantime, I think my asshole friend over there really needs another drink.”

And without another word I stalked out. I needed to find something stronger to drink myself .

Everyone has their vices, some are stronger than others. Some smoke, some do drugs. I just enjoy the occasional drink. For my dad, it was whiskey; good ‘ol Jack n Coke. Myself, I agreed more with mom and her jamaican rum. And a nice bottle followed me home in the hopes of relaxing for the rest of the evening. I really should have known better.

“Well hello Louis...” I heard a rather subdued voice coming from my living room. So far the house was clean, too clean. As I turned the corner, my jaw dropped. Pinkie stood in the middle of my room, which part of my brain noted was immaculately clean again, with her hair once again straightened, yet pulled into a complex knot of ribbons and sticks. She was clothed in the strangest kimono I had ever seen, cut to fit a quadruped, and yet completely modest, without the usual hospital gown ass-hanging-out that most pony clothing features. On her hooves were little slippers, and her face had the slightest touch of makeup. All she was missing was the whiteface to transform her into a little pink geisha.

“I, I... watafuga?” Not my most articulate statement, but I was in a bit of brainshock. Pinkie actually looked kinda sexy.

Giggling, she covered her mouth with a hoof, trying her best to look demure. It was definitely a new look for her. “I know how you like to watch those Annie Mae cartoons, so I did a little bit of research. Did I get the dress right? My mane took forever, since it doesn't like to stay straight when I am happy, and thinking of you makes me so so happy.”

Finally I managed to unstick my brain, and close my eyes. When I opened them again, she was still there, chewing a lip and looking expectantly at me. Rubbing my eyes didn't help either. I did the only thing that came to mind, and turned on hardass mode.

“Good job cleaning the house, Pinkie. Thank you. Now I really need to find my shot glasses.” Completely ignoring her question, I turned away, trying my damnedest to keep my face neutral. Finding the glasses where they belonged, I stiffly made my way back to the room, and collapsed onto the couch. I downed two shots before I even looked back at Pinkie.

“So do you like it? I did it especially for you.” She was still standing in the same spot, worrying a hole in the rug with a hoof, and not looking directly at me.

“It’s really nice Pinkie. You would be a hit at the anime conventions. It doesn't hurt that many of them are bronies too, I hear.” Still trying to keep my voice neutral, I let the alcohol do it’s work.

“Oh you really think so? ‘Cause I really had a fun time making it, although the hair was the hardest part. It really makes me feel pretty though, and I kinda understand a bit why Rarity is always dressing up.” Her normal clipper attitude started to creep back into her voice as she seemed to take my stiff compliment at face value.

“The only bad thing is I can't move very fast in this, which explains why the girls wearing them were always shuffling around so much. But if you like it, it was all worth it.” as she finished, she shuffled next to me and sat on the couch. I almost flinched, but the booze was doing it’s thing and I was able to mask my reaction in time.

I followed up with another drink, and realized I was still staring straight ahead. To mask my behavior, I turned on the TV. the uncomfortable silence continued, until I noticed from the corner of my eye that Pinkie was staring at the floor, looking rather rejected. I reached over and started to pet her, scritching behind her ears the way she loves. Hell, I’d be happy too if someone scritched my ears. With a sigh she leaned against me, and I could feel her smile radiating like a warm fire. I felt a bit guilty at indulging her like this, but another shot of rum helped with that.

Soon enough, the not so soft snores let me know it was my time to leave, and I gently lowered her to the couch, covering her with the blanket I kept across the back. As I turned to leave, I stopped to gaze at her smiling in her sleep, and felt all the worse for knowing I could never give her what she wanted. I held up the bottle or rum, seeing a quarter of it was already gone, and sighed.

“Looks like it’s me and you tonight, old friend.” And with one more weary sigh, I trudged off to my room, leaving a muttering pink pony asleep on the couch.

The next morning afternoon dawned bright and painful. I was finally awakened by the smell of food and the pain of a full bladder. As I stumbled into the bathroom, I passed the half empty bottle of rum I had cuddled with the night before, and shook my head in regret. That was another painful mistake. Once again I stared at my disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes and asked myself why I ever touched alcohol. Of course, all of this pain would be forgotten the next time I felt up to drinking, and the cycle would begin anew.

One shower later, I was feeling slightly more human, and ready to face the day. Barring that, I was at least coherent enough to find a way to hide from the day instead. But the siren song of food lured my stomach into the open and I made my way to the kitchen.

I had grown used to Pinkie’s wonderful home cooking, and the bacon incident aside, our breakfast meals were often something to look forward to. Needless to say, I was more than a little shocked to find Pinkie nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a rather bored looking pegasus sitting at the table tapping a hoof, until she saw me enter and jumped up to curtsey before me.

“Good morning, Master Louis! I have prepared your breakfast, and stand ready to serve you.” I once again was stunned, as the bright, brash pony I had first met was now wearing what could only be described as the sexiest French maid outfit I had ever seen. t was all black and white lace, fitting her like a second skin and flaring with frills along her back end. Her rainbow hair was braided and coiled tightly against the back of her head, where a small black and white lace hat was pinned. That left the details of blush, lipstick and what appeared to be eye liner, with a feather duster tucked under one wing that seemed to be made from her own feathers. As I continued to stare in shock, the blush was replaced with a real one as she started to fidget under my gaze.

“What the fuck?” Was all I could get out, but it was enough to break the staring match and cause her to look away.

“Uhh, too much? I wasn't sure about the makeup. Not alot goes well with blue, so I had to improvise.” She blushed harder and cleared her throat.

“Naw, its nice. It’d just... different.” I replied lamely, as I took my seat. “So you cooked all this for me?”

“Oh hay no! I can barely boil water. I had Pinkie help me before she left for the day. I helped her with her outfit yesterday, so today is my turn.” Her demure act quickly shattered, and the normal brash attitude came back into play. “So you hungry? I have been waiting for you to get up, and I’m starved!” Clearing her throat, she tried to regain the act, “I mean, if you are ready, Master Louis?” The eye flutter was too much and I chuckled as I took my seat.

The fare was bacon, eggs, and some golden home fries. Thankfully I had managed to get it through to Pinkie that hay was not acceptable on my menu. Dash piled her plate high, avoiding the bacon I noticed, before looking at me and making my plate. She carefully placed it in front of me, and then poured my coffee with a smile and a wink. I had done my research and gotten over my fear of contagion by ponies carrying things in their mouths, but it still make me squirm a bit.

Dash then slid back into her seat across from me and waited impatiently for me to eat first. I stared at her for a bit, as her brittle smile fluctuated, and her eyes kept drifting to the food. She seemed to be waiting for me to eat first, so I obliged.

“Dig in.” I smiled, getting a grin in return.

“Don’t mind if I do!” And with a fervor that made Pinkie look modest, she dived nose first into her plate, while I ate using my fork at a more sedate pace.

Soon both plates were clean, Dash’s by her tongue, until she caught me staring and dropped the plate with a nervous laugh. “Eheh, sorry. I really miss Pinkie’s cooking.

“It’s cool, I have gained a few pounds myself since she moved in.” And with a stretch, I let forth a mighty belch, making her laugh.

I left her to attend to the dishes, at her insistence, and made my way back to the couch. The remote was in my hand, and a warm glow on my belly as I saw black and white drift into the room.

“So. Um, is there anything I can get you, Master Louis? I am at your command, as your loyal maid for the day.” More eyelashes fluttering, and a wiggle of the ribbon-bound tail followed.

“Yea, can ya get me a beer from the fridge?” I decided to play it cool. Perhaps I could have some fun with this, and get some free housework out of the deal.

With a wiggle and a smile, she disappeared into the kitchen, soon to return with a beer held by a wing. A quick twist of the hoof had the top off and beer in my hand. Mighty useful, I thought.

“Well now that you have your belly full, are there any more services that I can perform for you, master? Her voice grew almost hoarse in its attempt at huskiness, as she slid up next to me. A wing tentatively reached out to stroke my back in a way that I most likely aroused other ponies, but for me is was just kinda relaxing. I wasn't gonna complain. Finally the slow lick of her lips was the last straw and I couldn't keep a straight face any longer.

“Look, Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry, but I just can't do this.” I shrugged off her wing, and scooted away from her. “I have tried to tell you and Pinkie, I am just not attracted to ponies, and all this...” I waved at the outfit, “Is just making you look slutty and foolish.”

“Your mind’s telling you no, but your body! Your body’s telling you yeees!” With a flair of her wings, she started singing into the feather duster, before licking her lips and blowing a kiss at me.

I cringed at her rough voice mangling the words to the song. “You did not just try to sing S. Kelly! Seriously, just no. Stop singing, and stop trying to seduce me.”

With a sigh, the pegasus pulled the hat off her head and tossed the duster on the floor, staring at it for a moment before answering. “I shoulda known this wasn't gonna work. All this seduction horseapples is more Rarity’s thing, not mine. I’m more of a charge in and up front kinda mare.” Turning to me with a smirk, she cocked an eyebrow at me. “So, wanna bang?”

“No. Hell no. Not even remotely interested.” I sighed again and turned away. “Look, no offense, but the thought of screwing a pony is about as attractive to me as screwing a dog would be to you.”

“Hey! Who told you about that? It was only one time, I was seriously wasted, and there was a bet involved. I think. Things were kinda fuzzy after the fifth cider.” she looked away, blushing.

I stared at her, and deadpanned, “Wat.”

“Oh I thought you were talking about diamond dogs. You meant... ew? Okay, I see your point.” She rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Do you really not like ponies that much? I mean you live with one, who is the friendliest pony I know.”

“It’s not that I don't like you, it’s just that I don't like you that way. I honestly don’t see what you or her see in me either. I mean, to you I must look like some freaky shaved ape. What’s the appeal?” I threw up my arms and rolled my eyes.

“Well you gotta understand, we come from a place where there are dozens of intelligent races, all who can talk to and relate with one another. I guess we are a bit more open minded.” She threw up her own hooves at me, “Hell I used to date a griffon, for Celestia’s sake! A friggin Griffon! They used to eat ponies back in the dark ages.”

“Wow, that's some hardcore predator/prey kink going on there.” I grimaced at the thought of possible kids.

“Tell me about it. It was fun at first, but she started to get a bit too... Alpha for my tastes, if you know what I mean.” I just nodded sagely, having known a few aggressive females in my time. Thankfully I wasn't their type. “Let’s just say, thank Celestia for healing potions.” I shook my head as she unconsciously rubbed her back with a wing as if remembering an old wound.

With a sigh, she got off the couch and turned to face me. “It’s okay, man. I understand. To be honest, you really aren't my type either, but I just couldn't resist a challenge.” With a grin, she held out a hoof. “No hard feelings?”

I took the hoof firmly, and shook it with a grin. “None at all. You are pretty cool, Dash.”

“Are you kidding? I’m featherin’ AWESOME!” Suddenly she leaned forward and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “You are pretty awesome yourself, big fella. But just so you know, I really hate losing, so you owe me one!”

I couldn't help but grin as she turned away, before looking back over her shoulder. “If you ever change your mind about Ponies, gimme a call.” And with a flick of her tail and a flash of pink, I heard the now familiar pop, letting me know that she still wasn't wearing her pony thong.

“Eeew! Gross, put some friggin pants on, dammit!” In a flash she was gone, leaving only her fading laughter behind her.

The next day, all three of us were at the door to wish Rainbow Dash off. It was a cheerful event, since Dash had forfeited the bet, an Pinkie was the de facto winner. She did leave me with a warning however, about the stubbornness of earth ponies, and the determination of Pinkie Pie in particular.

“What Pinkie wants, Pinkie gets. Be it a friend, a treat, or vengeance. Just watch your back, and don't break her heart. I don't wanna have to go looking for your corpse to rough it up if you do.”

I quickly turned to look at a happily smiling Pinkie Pie, standing out of earshot. The worry on my face must have shown, sending Dash into a laughing fit.

“I’m just messin with ya, Louis. She’s harmless, and sweet, just like her cupcakes.” Giving me a playful punch in the arm she grinned at me, which made it creepier when she continued with a smile, “I'm serious though, don't hurt her.” The last delivered in a whisper through smiling teeth. And in a flash she was gone again.

Turning back to Pinkie, I had only a moment to brace myself before being tackle-hugged to the ground. “Yay, I win! That means you are all mine again!”

“No.” I said firmly.

“Awww, you’re no fun. Can’t we pretend, just for one day?” She once again tried the ridiculous puppy eyes, which only made me laugh as they always did.

“Okay, fine. You keep the house clean for a week, and you can pretend to be my girlfriend for the rest of the day. But no sex!” I shuddered, starting to have second thoughts already.

“Yay! I’m gonna be the best special somepony you ever had!” and to prove it, I received another rib cracking hug.

Surprisingly the day went by rather easily, with Pinkie acting no different than normal. Well, normal for Pinkie, anyway. She seemed content just to know she was my girlfriend, if only for a day. And I got a week’s worth of free labor. Win-win in my book!

That still didn't help me sleep at night as I was tormented by dreams of a straight-haired Pinkie Pie wearing a french maid outfit, and chasing me with a feather duster made from a plucked Rainbow Dash.

Hell Hath No Fury

View Online

This can only end in tears! -Bartok

So another day dawns in paradise. Early to rise, early to work, coffee in hand and off to the slave pits of retail employment. I roll into work amid the normal greetings. Everyone loves me for some reason. Some for my frank outlook on life, some for my sales numbers, some just because I showed up for work. I am awesome, and the fact that I didn't show up with an automatic assault weapon makes everyone’s day so much more bearable.

After the prerequisite ass kissing and uniform polishing, I slid into my place as the happy corporate drone and started my day of servitude. Don was the official apple polisher for the day, leaving me as the tech troll. I liked that just fine, and relaxed into my element as technological savant. I fixt tings.

“So that's five more virus removals this week, three only go to Stalkerbook, and two have no idea how they got infected. You ready for this?” Don grinned at me with his usual lack of fucks to give, as he prepped me for the day’s misery. “I can do the tech if you wanna man the floor today.”

“Hell no. I really am not in the mood to deal with customers today.” I returned, feeling better adapted to hurting customers than helping them. “It’s been one of those weeks.”

“I hear ya, man. It’s been one of those lives.” We both nodded in agreement, and fist bumped, to seal the pact. And with that, he was on the floor, playing defense, while I played offense and fixed the computers. He kept the customers away, so that I could work.

The day wore on in this manner, until it was time for one of us to take a break. I drew the long straw, so I went first, and enjoyed a small break from the chaos as I ate my crappy meal in peace. All too soon my brief respite was over and I returned to the pit from whence I came.

“So, anything explode while I was gone?” I nonchalantly asked, as I clocked back in.

“Naa, just the usual customers that never remember the ink to their printers.” Don groused.

“Yea, I know. ‘Oh, can I see your printers? I’d know it if I saw it!’ If it’s more than six months old, we don't have it, so go home and find out, dipshit.” We both laughed at my mimicry of the average customer.

“Oh by the way, I have a treat for you. I feel like shit for what happened at the bar the other day, so I helped hook you up.” Don grinned. “You know your wingman always has your back, and since you don't wanna date a pony, I helped you out.”

“Aww man, not that internet dating shit, again. Those people creep me out.” I shuddered at the last encounter, trying to get back on my feet after the messy breakup with my ex.

“No, no, not that! Remember that chick from copy center? Well turns out it’s not against the rules to date her, as long as she isn't your boss. And it turns out she’s interested.” Holding his fist up for a bump, I just stared at it in shock, like it was a poisonous snake.

“Wait, you mean Amanda? The sexy redhead?” She was as real cutie, but I never had the balls to talk to her. Not to mention, I didn't want to get fired for sexual harassment.

“Yeah, she came over while you were at lunch, asking about you. She asked all sorta stuff about you and Pinkie, and I told her she was just a roommate. She seemed happy that you were single. I told her all about you.” He grinned and put his fist back up for a bump.

“Well damn, I never knew. She never even said more than ‘hi’ to me before. And didn't she have a boyfriend?” I bumped him back, still a little confused at the sudden interest.

“That's the best part, she totally ditched him a few days ago, and you know she’s ‘Down with the Brown’ after dating him, so you totally have a shot.” Giving me the thumbs up, he winked at me.

I just rolled my eyes in disgust. “Dude, stop being so friggin racist. That’s so wrong.”

“Bah, I’m not racist, and you know it. But everyone knows she only dates black guys. Why do you think I never hit on her?”

“Because her boyfriend was a pro athlete, and would stomp your chubby white ass.” I couldn't help but grin. This may turn out to be a good day after all. And with a real girl in my life, maybe Pinkie would get a clue and back off. Besides, I hadn't gotten laid in over a year.

“Yeah, whatever. You should totally talk to her.” He made shooing motions, and grinned wider.

So I checked my shirt, gathered up my courage, and swaggered over to the other side of the store. Luckily, there was almost nobody in the store, and Amanda was busy messing with her phone. I leaned on the counter and waited for her to notice me.

“Oh, hi Louis! What’s up?” She smiled sweetly at me and put away her phone.

“Well, Don tells me you were asking about me. Anything I can help with?” I smiled my best salesman smile, putting genuine warmth into it.

“Oh, umm. I was just wondering what you were up to tonight.” Suddenly she seemed a bit flustered, and I smiled even wider.

“Well, as a matter of fact, I don't have a damn thing to do tonight. What you have in mind?” Cock eyebrow, stroke goatee, smile smugly.

“Well maybe we can go see that new movie that came out, ‘Rise of Thrackerzod’ I heard it was good.” She actually fluttered her eyelashes at me. I almost laughed, but she was to hot to tell her how funny it looked. Also, I had no idea what movie she was talking about, nor did I care.

“Well then, that sounds like a date. I’ll meet you after our shift ends.” I winked, and slowly swaggered away.

“So, how’d it go?” Don was practically bouncing as I approached.

I carefully kept my back turned so Amanda, as I gave one of my massive psycho grins. “Fuck yea, date tonight, gonna go see a movie!”

“Awesome! What movie?” he leaned on the counter, matching my hushed tones.

“Rise of Crackergod, or something. Fuck if I know. All I know is some hot chick wants to go out with me, and my dry spell is over! Looks like I owe you one.” I reached up and gave him a high five.

“Dude! That's totally a brony movie. She may be testing you. It’s about some evil pony god that takes over a filly and tries to destroy the world. She may be trying to see if you really do have a thing for ponies.” He shook his head, looking over my shoulder at Amanda.

“Fuck man, what if she’s a brony? Do I act like I like them, or play it cool?” Suddenly this didn't seem like such a good idea. “And since when did they start making evil god, destroy the world movies about ponies? I thought that pony shit was all; friendship and rainbows.”

“Naa, I’ve never seen her as into Ponies, its gotta be a test. And since the real ponies arrived, they expanded the demographic to finally include adults and ponies. They have a few coming out that are PG-13, and even an R rated horror flick. There’s trailers all over BluTube. You really are outta the loop concerning ponies, aren’t you?” He gave an exasperated sigh and threw his hands up. “Only you could live with the greatest discovery of our entire civilization, and not care.”

“Meh, I’m just not that into ponies. It it ain’t got tits, it ain’t worth shit.” I snarked, laughing as he walked away muttering. “Just be lucky I talk to your ugly ass.”

The movie was good, the popcorn was overpriced, and Amanda was smoking hot. She wasn't all clingy, and actually made me happy to hang out with her. And best of all, she didn't even know it was a pony flic, so it wasn't a test after all. When we were done, we decided to go out to get some real food, and maybe a few drinks.

“So, this is the place that gave you shit for having a pony friend?” As we walked into my old watering hole. I couldn't help but grin.

“Yea, I thought it would be funny to see the look on their face when they see me walk in with a hot date. Do you know anyone interested?” I joked, getting a punch in the arm and a grin. That was when she leaned forward and we kissed. It was so sudden, I was taken by surprise, and it ended far too soon.

“I like you, you’re funny and cute.” Smiling sweetly, she pulled me inside the bar.

I saw the manager from last time, and made sure he was looking as I pulled Amanda into another kiss. We took a seat, and waited for the server, and I was pleasantly surprised to see a cream coated pony with some serious emo-striped hair head our way.

“Hello, my name is Bonbon, and I will be your server today!” She gave us our menus, and took our drink orders. The entire time I waited to see the reaction from my date, but there was no change in her bubbly mood.

“Hey, Bonbon, any idea what happened to the server we had last time? She got all in my face about having a pony friend.” I carefully inquired.

“Oh, you must be the guy that Pinkie is living with! I heard that bitch got all in your face about it, then she quit. Did you and Pinkie break up or something? I heard so much about you from the last time she came to town, that I decided to visit myself and try my hoof at a little interspecies romance.” She stopped talking as she saw my hand race toward my face, and Amanda start to give me weird looks.

“No. I don’t know what Pinkie has been saying, but we have never been a couple. She’s just renting a room from me.” I turned to face Amanda, and try to explain. “She’s a sweet kid, but not wrapped too tight. She still seems to have a crush on me or something.”

“Aww, Pinkie Pie is harmless, and you could do much worse if you ever dated a pony. You should meet my ex some time. Certifiably nuts.” She grinned at the two of us. “Well, at least Pinkie has good tastes.” Focusing on Amanda, she patted her hand with a hoof. “If half of what I have heard about this fella is true, you are one lucky girl.”

“Yeah, I am kinda getting that feeling myself.” With a sly grin, she looks over at me as the waitress trots off to get our order. “So, a pony has a crush on you? Anything I should be worried about?”

“Hell no. I have no interest in ponies. I am however interested in redheads with beautiful smiles and a nice round bootay.” I leered back at her, getting a big grin in return.

“Well that’s good. I’ll let you know if I meet one.” A good chuckle later and our drinks arrived. We ordered our food, and I was rather happy to see my date had a healthy appetite. Skinny, salad-eating twig girls just ain’t my thing. Amanda ordered a double bacon burger with fries, and I had the same, and a few more beers later we were both feeling damn good.

After leaving a nice tip for Bonbon, who got a bit huggy as we left, (apparently its an earth pony thing) the two of us headed out. I debated asking her over my place, but then the decision was taken out of my hands as she asked me herself.

“So, are you gonna invite me over? I’d love to see that amazing house Don told me about. Did your dad really design it?” She practically gushed as we made our way back to work where we had left her car.

“Oh he told you about that eh? Yea my dad was some big shot architect for the military back in the day. Made alotta money, met my mom, decided to change jobs and went into real estate. Now they are retired in Florida, and left me the old house.” I summed up my parents rise to prominence. “Now its just me in a big old house. Well, me and Pinkie Pie. Decided to rent out one of the rooms, and she showed up.” I shrugged, leaving the rest unsaid.

“That's awesome! I wish my parents left me a house. They are still renting the same apartment I grew up in. I finally had to move out and try something new.” Shrugging, she looked out the window as the streetlights drifted by.

After getting her car, we headed to my place, giggling like a couple of kids as we made our way to the door. I fumbled the keys, getting even more laughs, and soon we were inside. She made the appropriate noises at the size of the place. It was modest, but still one of the larger ones in the neighborhood, and I kept it in good condition.

Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere: Pinkie Pie.

“Welcome home Louis! I was starting to get a little worried!” Amanda almost jumped into my arms as Pinkie managed to appear right in front of us. “Oooh, who’s this? Is she a friend of yours? Can we be friends? I love making new friends!”

“Heya Pinkie, yea I guess you can say this is a new friend of mine...” I looked to Amanda for support, and helped her unwind from around my neck.

“Yes! I am his new girlfriend.” And with that, I was being kissed harder than she had done before. I leaned into it, and felt my heart leap in my chest as the meaning behind her words sank in. I had a girlfriend. A hot, redheaded, sexy girlfriend. Yes indeed, the dry spell was over!

As we finally came back for air, I remembered we were not alone. “Oh, by the way, Pinkie, this is Amanda. Amanda, I would like you to meet Pinkie Pie.”

Looking over to my roommate, I saw she has frozen in place with a look of shock. Slowly this faded to be replaced with one of the scariest looks I had ever seen. Lidded eyes and a straight edged frown made her look positively menacing.

Suddenly she stepped forward, standing on her hind legs to look Amanda in the eye as she slowly growled, “I. Will. End. You.”

Reaching for a conveniently placed water bottle, I broke the spell by spraying her squarely in the face. “No! Bad Pinkie! Down, Back off. Now go to your room!” And just as suddenly, she dashed off, yelping like a kicked puppy.

“What the hell was that, Louis?” A very shaken Amanda demanded.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen her act like that. Maybe its her pony period of something.” I shrugged lamely.

“I think I better go.” She grabbed her purse from where it had fallen, and turned for the door.

“Wait, no! Don’t go. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.” I begged as she opened the door.

“Louis, your pony friend, who you admit has a crush on you, just threatened to end me.” She rolled her eyes and took a step backwards through the door. “Obviously you two have some issues to work out. I suggest you deal with them before our next date.”

I stood stunned as she walked away, before mentally smacking myself in the back of the head and running after her. “Wait, you said second date? As in you still wanna go out with me?”

“Well duh? You think that this is the first time I have had to deal with a jealous ex girlfriend? You just need to put a muzzle on her if you want this to work out between us.” she quickly kissed me on the lips, and slipped inside of her car. She was speeding off as my brain unlocked and I could think straight again.

“YES! Second date with a redhead!” I shouted to the sky. I quickly dashed back to the house. I needed to have a talk with my roommate.

I had to forgo my talk with Pinkie, since she had locked herself in her room, and I was too distracted by my current love interest to care. Shower, shave, and off to bed, feeling on top of the world, I awoke the next morning to the amazing smell of food.

“Oh heya Pinkie, making breakfast again?” I smiled and took a seat as she slid a plate in front of me.

“Yeppers! I wanted to make up for being all meanie Pinkie to your friend yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking, but we all need our friends, and I shouldn't get upset that some of your friends are girls! And I then I thought, what was the best way to make a man happy? And then I remembered you didn't wanna do that. So I thought, was the second best way? And I remembered, Granny Pie always said the way to a man’s heart was under the ribcage, but if you got squeamish about the blood, then try through his stomach!”

“Umm... okay. Your Granny sounds like an interesting woman.” I honestly could not tell if I was being seduced, or threatened. Also, the way she put emphasis on the word ‘friend’ set off an alarm in my head.

“Oh definitely! She was so much mare that she wore out three husbands before she had my pappy and settled down to start the farm. My momma says I take after her, because I am so full of life.” Grinning madly, she leaned her chin on her hooves and looked across the table at me.

“Pinkie, can we please dial back the creepy factor a bit. I haven't had my coffee yet and I’m just not up to it yet.” I groaned and took a bite of the huge omelette in front of me. It was full of veggies and potatoes, and I was glad to see she had remembered not to put any hay in it this time.

“Oh! yes, I forgot the coffee! Let me get that for you, Louis!” She quickly hopped around the kitchen and had a steaming mug in front of me in moments.

Taking in the aroma of the fresh coffee, I sighed in contentment. One sip was bliss, and two was nirvanna. The advantage of having a coffee addict in the house was getting access to the good stuff. But then I looked up at Pinkie looking at me from across the table with that manic grin again.

“Pinkie, if any of this is poisoned, I swear I will come back from the dead to kick your ass.” I deadpanned, and went back to my food.

Pinkie looked genuinely hurt, “I would never do anything like that Louis! I just wanted to make up for yesterday. I know you don't have many friends, and I haven't made as many as I was hoping myself, so the ones I have are important to me. That means your friends are important to me, because you are my friend.”

“Okay, that's fine. All is forgiven. Just please don't act like a creepy ex-girlfriend when she is around. I like Amanda, and she likes me. If I’m lucky we may have something special.

Frowning, Pinkie looked down at the table. “I dunno, Louis. Something about her makes my Pinkie sense tingle. I think she’s bad for you, and may hurt you. She doesn't deserve you.”

Getting peeved, I stood up from the table. “And who exactly does deserve me? You? We have been over this before. You are a great girl, a good friend, but I am just not into ponies. I can never give you the kind of love and affection you want. I actually find the idea of making out with a pony to be rather creepy, so will you please just let it go?”

As I turned to go, I heard her strangled whisper, “You think I’m creepy?” But I felt I had made my point, and went to my room to get ready for work.

Work went quickly. I was on an emotional high, as Amanda made flirtatious comments, and Don gave me shit for it. Even the obnoxious customers failed to knock me off my cloud as the day zipped past. Soon enough it was time to leave, and once again Amanda met me in the parking lot.

“So, what do you wanna do on our second date?” I asked with a smile, holding my car door open for her.

“Well, we went to your favorite place last time, lets go to one of mine?” She gave me a peck on the cheek as she slid into the car.

“Why not, where to?” She gave me directions and we set off. It was a place I hadn't been to before, being a bit more frugal minded, but she insisted it was amazing, and that her ex used to take her there all the time. I figured, why not splurge a bit to impress?

Arriving from work, I felt more than a bit under dressed, but was greeted and seated without any fuss. The menu made me twitch a bit when I realized it was one of those places with no prices on the menu. I could already hear my wallet crying out in pain. Ah, for the love of a woman, what a fool is man. And if I wanna tap dat ass, I better tap my wallet. It’s a tradition as old as humanity.

“So, you and your ex ate here alot?” I smoozed over the bread basket.

“Well, yes. He liked the finer things, and we enjoyed them often.” She smiled coyly over her wine.

“Yes, well he did have you, and you are one of the finer things I have ever seen.” I grinned back over my own wine. Not my drink of choice, but ‘When in Rome’... This place didn't even have beer on the menu.

“Oh you do flatter me so, my dear sir!” Taking on a Katie O’Hara voice, she batted her eyes at me like a southern belle.

“I only call things like I see them, Ma’am.” Winking at her I took another long gulp of my wine.

That was when the food arrived. And Pinkie.

“Hiya folks! Are you two having a good time tonight?” Pinkie grinned as she refilled our wine glasses. She was wearing a red vest and white collar with a black bow tie. She also had her hair neatly combed and pinned back into a tight bun somehow, and even white cuffs on her front hooves. The entire look made her seem like a pony valet.

“Pinkie! What the hell are you doing here?” I hissed through clenched teeth. Amanda looked just as shocked as me.

“Well, I wanted your evening to be perfect, so I pulled in a few favors and got the job here so I could take care of everything for you!” She turned to my date and gave a little bow. “Madam, I would like to apologize for my behavior the other night. It was unbecoming of me, as a friend Louis, and a representative of Equestria.”

I was startled at Pinkie’s suddenly stiff and formal speech, but Amanda just giggled and took it in stride. “It’s okay, Pinkie. We all just got off on the wrong foot, err hoof?”

“Okay! So are you ready for food?” Her normal cheerfulness returned in force, Pinkie bounced back to the nearby tray of covered dishes. “We have the steak, with steamed asparagus, well done with a side of au jus.” She presented my plate, with a well charred steak, yet still juicy judging by the small puddle beneath it. My mouth began to water at the smell that arose from it.

“And for ze lady, ve have ze Lobster Florentine, vif ze side of petite filet mignon medallions in truffle sauce.” Her sudden accent made us both chuckle, while the mention of the exorbitantly priced meal made me want to cry.

“Thank you, Pinkie. It looks fabulous!” We both grinned and dug into the food. Meanwhile, Pinkie had taken a step back, and was grinning at us as we we dug into the food. As expected, my steak was a masterwork, perfectly charred, yet still tender and juicy inside. Anyone that says you cannot have a tender, well done steak needs to go back to culinary school and learn. When you grow up with a father that teaches you how to drag your food out of the woods and cook it over a campfire, you learn all sorts of techniques for preparing meat.

Meanwhile, Amanda was starting to sweat, and grabbed for her wine glass, gulping half of it. She was bright red, her face surpassing her hair, and started fanning her mouth.

“What’s wrong, Amanda? Too is the food spicy?” Venom practically dripped from Pinkie’s words as she leaned closer, evil grin on her face.” I saw what was happening, and started to get pissed.

“Oh god yes! This is amazing!” Amanda cried out, stunning both me and Pinkie Pie. We looked at each other, then back at the redhead with matching looks of shock.

“I haven't had anything this good in years. My momma was cajun, and she used to make me spicy stuff like this all the time growing up. I haven't had good spicy food like this since her and dad split up, and he got custody of me and my sister.” She turned to the pony, a look of bliss on her face and tears in her eyes. “Oh Pinkie, I had you all wrong. How did you know?”

Looking very uncomfortable in the wake of her failed prank, Pinkie shuffled her hooved and looked away from us. “Oh, uhh. Y’know. I just asked some friends, and stuff. I kinda figured you would, umm, like things as fiery as your hair!” I had to resist the urge to facepalm at the blatant lie, but Amanda seemed to buy it.

“Thank you so much! And tell the chef this was awesome!” Getting up, she knelt down and gave Pinkie a massive hug, before retaking her seat and tearing into the over spiced food with a gusto, moaning between bites.

I managed to glare my best ‘I know’ glare at Pinkie, causing her to smile weakly, and dash off in defeat. Thankfully the rest of the meal was uninterrupted, save for the manager coming out to present us personally with the rather large bill. A week’s wages well spent.

Arriving home, I kissed Amanda goodnight in front of my house, before turning around to see a pink face glaring at us from the window. It soon disappeared, and I found Pinkie's door once again locked when I went inside to talk to her. I shrugged it off and walked back to my room to reflect on the strange evening.

Over the next few days, Pinkie remained distant, spending most of her time home in her room, or off at work or elsewhere. I enjoyed this bit of freedom exploring my blossoming relationship with Amanda. However, things were not going so well for her, and I couldn't help but think that Pinkie was behind it.

One day, she had her car towed, due to some overdue parking fines. Another day she received a letter that her wages were being garnished for not paying her college loans. Then her tires were flattened, and another time she came home to find her lawn had been fertilized by mistake, with fresh cow manure. It was like an unending series of mishaps, none of which could directly be linked, but I just knew.

Then the day came that I found her breaking down at work. She was crying in the breakroom, and I walked in. “What’s wrong, babe?

She turned to me, smearing her mascara as she wiped her eyes. “I dunno, but I may lose my job. I took an online order for three thousand prints, laminated, and didn't get the payment info. After I had them done, the customer canceled, but because they weren’t paid for in advance, they are trying to say it’s my fault!”

I leaned over and picked up one of the prints, rather simply done, with images of gems and gold, and words down the center. I read them and started to feel a sinking feeling, as I realized the words were lyrics to a rather popular song. ‘Gold Digger’, by Omari West.

“I’ve gotta go babe. I think I know what’s going on, and I’m gonna go deal with it.” I gave her a kiss and a quick hug before leaving to deal with the troublemaker.

Slipping into Party City next door, I spotted Pinkie right away, surrounded by a group of kids. I carefully kept my face neutral as I walked up and tapped her on the shoulder. Her grin dimmed a bit as she turned and saw the look on my face, and she failed to give her usual cheerful greeting.

“Pinkie Pie, I need to talk to you for a moment. Outside.” I kept my face a still mask as the children whined about losing their entertainment, but Pinkie didn't say a word as she walked behind me.

Outside, I continued around the side of the building, away from public view and stopped. As I turned around I finally let my anger show, and Pinkie took a step back, her eyes widening in fear.

“Umm, what’s up Louis? I-I can't talk long, gotta get back to work, ya know?” Nervously she shuffled her hooves, not looking at me.

“You know exactly what you did. You have stepped over the line Pinkie, and you are really pissing me off now.” I tried my best to keep my voice even, but I really was pissed. “Amanda may get into real trouble because of your shit. And I know it’s you that had been pulling the the other pranks on her.”

“Bu-but Louis...” SHe cried, before stopping. “I dunno what you are talking about.” Suddenly she tried to act cool, and looked away from me.

“Listen to me very carefully Pinkie. I consider us friends, for the moment. There are many things I will tolerate from my friends. Lying is not one of them.” I crouched down and grabbed her chin to make her face me as I spit out the words, I could see the fear in her own eyes clearly.

“I’m sorry Louis, but I am only trying to help. She’s a bad person, and she only wants to hurt you!” She started to cry, her eyes spilling tears, which she wiped away with a hoof. “She doesn't deserve you, and she only likes you because she thinks you are rich. I asked around, and everypony she has dated has been rich, and she always leaves them. I even talked to her last coltfriend. He called her a gold digging bitch.” Both hooves covered her mouse at the swear word.

I let out a long suffering sigh and shook my head. “Pinkie, every guy that has ever been dumped by a girl says shit like that. When you are hurt, you lash out.” I sat on the ground, feeling tired. “Did he also tell you he used to hit her?” I saw her eyes go wide in shock at this. “I bet he didn't. Or all the times he cheated on her?”

“I didn’t know.” She shook her head.

“Of course you didn't. Now I need you to leave her alone and stop this stupid bullshit, okay?”

“Mmhmm.” Slowly she nodded. “I still think she’s wrong for you. She doesn't love you like...” Suddenly her eyes went wide, and she turned tail to run. I saw a flash of pink, and then she was gone around the building.

“Dammit Pinkie. What the fuck am I gonna do with you?” Sighing again, I got off the ground and headed back to work.

For the next few days, nothing much happened Pinkie stayed clear of me, and nothing happened to Amanda. It was decided that it was the customer’s fault the order was canceled too late, and we would not be taking any more orders from them.

Me and Amanda were growing closer all the time, and finally it was time to step up our game. Instead of heading out to some fancy place, I was cooking dinner for her, and we would spend the night at my house. Pinkie was out for the night, and I got to work. Some of my mother’s cookbooks gave me all I needed to make her famous spicy jerk chicken, which I knew Amanda would love.

Dinner went flawlessly, as did the drinks on the couch, watching old kung-fu movies and making out. After we were all hot and heavy, we moved things into my bedroom for a night to remember. She wasted no time tearing my clothes off, but then slowly teased me as she peeled away each garment.

“So are you ready for this?” She purred as she slid the last piece to the floor. My nudity left no question if my readiness.

“Damn straight I’m ready! Girl, get your fine ass over here and gimme some lovin!” I grinned my best grin as she crawled onto the bed, slowly sliding her body against mine, until she was face to face. We kissed, hard and fierce, before pulling back panting.

I looked her in the eyes, and felt my heart ready to burst. Some other parts of me wanted to burst as well, but I paused, putting a finger on her lips to stop her a moment. “Hold on, hon.” She just looked at me confused.

“Pinkie. Now I KNOW you are not thinking of interrupting us, because if you did, I would be forced to rip your fucking tail off and feed it to you.” My only response was the soft clopping of hooves away from my door, as Amanda looked at me in shock. “Now where were we?” I grinned at her and we continued our dance. It was glorious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

The next day I awoke feeling like a new man. Amanda was sleeping in my arms, and the future seemed full of possibilities. Getting laid can do that to you. Even the scratches and bruises from a hard night seemed to melt away with the morning sunshine.

Slipping out of bed, I made my way to the shower, getting cleaned up for the day. Halfway through, Amanda joined me. We got a little dirty while we were getting clean, but it all came out in the wash. We walked into the kitchen to find Pinkie smiling over a table full of food, and sat down next to each other, giggling like kids.

“Hey folks, I bet you guys are real hungry after last night! You kept me up, with all your groany, moany, spankyness.” She made a face, then stuck her tongue out with a grin to let us know she was teasing.

“Thanks Pinkie, sorry about the noise. You never know till it’s too late if someone is a screamer.” I chuckled as Amanda punched me in the arm.

“Hey, I warned you I get loud. Next time warn a girl before you grab her nipples!” Smacking me in the back of the head with a laugh, she started to fill her plate, and I filled mine.

Suddenly, Pinkie was right between us grinning, and I felt a bit of a chill go down my spine. Her smile was just a bit off, and her hair was a bit too straight.

“Well it’s about time you two finally sorted things out. I thought it was going to take forever before Louis found somepony else to play with.” Smiling, she gave me a little peck on the cheek.

“Someone else?” Amanda said darkly, giving me a suspicious look.

“Oh yes! Now I get to share him with somepony else, and we can have all sorts of threesome fun games! Having Louis to myself was nice, but games are alway more fun when you SHARE.” Smiling lecherously, she leered at my girlfriend, while licking her lips.

“Pinkie, what the hell are you doin? Didn’t I tell you to back off?” I pushed her away from us, and turned to Amanda, whose face was turning as red as her hair.

“Oh fuck no! That’s just sick, the both of you. I don’t give a shit how rich you are, I am NOT sharing you with a fucking pony!” Amanda had stood up and was backing away from the table.

“The fuck you just say?” My heart sunk as the words hit home, and I could see the realization that she had screwed up in her eyes. Meanwhile, Pinkie was sitting on her butt, grinning like an idiot at us. “Who the fuck said I was rich, and what’s it matter to you?”

“Your friend, Don. He said you have filthy rich parents, and live in a big ass house.” She had the nerve to try looking indignant. “I mean, not that it matters. I love you and will always love you, but not if you are screwing around with some fucking animal! What kind of diseases could she carry? Is that even legal? You need some serious help.”

She started walking toward the door, but I stopped her, grabbing her arm and turning her to face me. “First off, I have not, nor would I ever fuck a damn pony. Pinkie knows that, and I have no idea why she’s fucking around saying that shit. Second, I don't have shit. My parents are rich, but they made me work for a living like they did. I got this house from them, but not a damn penny since I hit 18. One of these days I may get off my ass, go back to college and get my masters, and become some big shot, but until then I am just an average guy trying to chill in life.” I stopped to catch my breath, before continuing. “Are you really that stupid? Do you think I LIKE working at a shit ass job fixing broke ass computers? It pays the bills, because nobody else is gonna do it.”

At this point, her look went from indignant fury, to cold loathing. “I fucking shoulda known. Another broke ass nigger trying to look good. Why the fuck do I bother with you people? My parents were right I shoulda-” Her tirade was interrupted by an open palmed slap to the face.

“Get. The fuck. Out.” There are many things that annoy me in this world, but few will make me lose my cool. Racism is one of these. Anyone growing up mixed understands, and this stuck up, racist, white bitch just crossed that line.

“Fuck you! Have fun fucking your damn pony bitch, you sick FREAK!” Grabbing her purse, she ran out the door. I got a final view of her nice ass as she tripped and face planted running down my walkway, but I was too upset to enjoy it.

I walked out the door, watching her get into her car and leave, before hearing Pinkie walk up behind me. I turned to see her eyes brimming with tears as she looked up at me with a forlorn expression.

“I’m so sorry, Louis. I didn’t know what else to do. I just knew she was going to hurt you, so I had to make her go away.” She started to cry in earnest. “I-I d-did it for you. You are my fr-friend, and I couldn't bbear to see what she was doing to you.”

I felt numb, the adrenaline wearing off as my anger bled away to be replaced with a cold emptiness. For a short time I had been happy, and now it was over. I slowly knelt down and opened my arms to the pony, and held her in a hug until she stopped crying. The stillness ate at me, and I felt a painful ache like I hadn't eaten in days. Finally I pulled back and looked her in the eyes.

“Pinkie, thank you. You are a good friend, and I will always value that friendship. You kept me from making a big mistake, and for that I should be grateful.” I stopped and stood up, looking down at the pink furball that had been sharing my home and my life for the last few months. She looked up at me, smiling with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

“I should be grateful, but I am not.” I drew back my mighty pimp hand of justice, and a crack rang out, my hand going numb as I delivered a mighty bitch slap to the person, the pony, who had destroyed my moment of happiness, no matter if it was real or not.

Coldly, I glared down at her as she rubbed her cheek in shock. “I don’t care if you are my friend, Pinkie. If you ever interfere with my love life again, I will kick your ass outta my house so fucking fast, that even your friend Rainbow Dash won't be able to catch you before it hits the curb. Am I clear?” Slowly she nodded, and I turned away.

As I walked away from my house to search for a bottle of something to drown myself with, I could almost hear the sobbing of the filly over the sound of my own breaking heart.

Country Roads

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There is a reason that farmers and folks who live off the land wake with the sun, and it is nothing about being healthy or wise. Basically it has to do with the fact that everything else living on the land wakes with the sun and proceeds to make such an annoying racket, that you can’t sleep anymore. Needless to say for city folk, this is a nightmare. However, I was close enough to my father’s redneck roots to have put my time in wilderness survival, and wasn’t as bothered by it anymore. That didn't mean I was happy to be woke up after a long night drinking by the sound of a woodpecker searching for food outside my tent.

It had been three days since I left home, after giving short notice to my job and cashing in on some long overdue vacation time. I claimed ‘medical emergency’, and made it rather clear that I was not going to be the one injured if I didn't get out of town quick. I just needed to get away for a few days, and get my head sorted out over what was going on back home.

My mind and emotions were a mess, so I did what most of the men did in my situation, find some alcohol, some survival gear, and head off to the wilderness. Granted, it usually involved hunting down and killing something, but it was not hunting season, so that left drinking and camping. The cooking and eating of meat was still an option I chose, although it came from a supermarket down the mountain, twenty miles away.

Now I was awake, only mildly hungover, and more than a little smelly. I stretched in my sleeping bag, scratched my scraggly beard which was starting to grow out, and got ready to greet the day. I was strongly considering some fishing, or maybe another hike. This was of course after a nice breakfast of eggs and leftover steak. I had to finish the last of the perishables before I ran out of ice in the cooler.

Unzipping the tent, I slipped on my camp shoes and stepped out into the chilly morning air, stretching with a huge yawn. I stopped in mid-yawn at the sight of an orange pony sitting in front of me, looking rather pissed.

“Louis? We need to talk.” A country twang gave me further pause, as I racked my brain to remember where I had seen this pony before. She was one of Pinkie’s friends. Blackjack? Applesnack? I couldn't remember.

“Who the fuck are you, and how the hell did you find me?” I asked the obvious questions, before plopping into the folding chair next to my tent.

“Name’s Applejack.” Oh yea, that was it. The farm pony. “Ah’m a friend of Pinkie Pie, and Ah’m right livid bout what you dun to that poor filly.”

In a flash, pain blossomed in my jaw, and I was suddenly looking up at the leafy canopy. Before I could get my bearings, the angry face of my visitor was looking down at me.

“That was fer what ya did ta Pinkie. Ah outta buck yer hide clear offa this mountain, but it ain't the pony way. And besides, Pinkie’d never forgive me.” She reached out a hoof, which I carefully take as she helps me back up.

Rubbing my jaw, I felt for loose teeth with my tongue. “I probably deserved that.”

“Ya damn straight ya did. What you done did to that poor sensitive filly was inexcusable. She’s all sweet on you, talks bout ya all the time, and you go an kick her to the curb like a wormy apple.” Snorting for emphasis, she plopped on her rear, still glaring at me.

I deadpanned at the irate pony, sitting back into my chair with a sigh. “You obviously are not getting the entire story.” The only response I got was a single raised eyebrow that would make any Vulcan proud. “Look, Pinkie is a sweet kid, I love her to bits, which is why I still let her live with me after all the shit she’s pulled. However, she went too damn far this time. I have told her over and over that I don't wanna fuck a damn pony, but she won't back the hell off. And finally, when I find a girl that is interested in me, she starts some shit and breaks us up.”

I rolled my eyes, “Sure, it turns out she was a gold digging bitch, but she was digging on ME. I was tappin that ass, and I was happy. Pinkie couldn't handle it and flipped her shit, so I had to put her in her place.”

“And what place would that be, mister human?” the farm pony dryly replied.

“Oh fuck you. You don’t get to pull the race card on me.” I fumed, getting heated up. “You don’t know shit about having your own kind think you are lesser than they are just because of the color of your damn fur.” I paused and pointed a finger at her. “And for the record, I still consider Pinkie Pie to be one of my best friends, and love her like she was my own sister, which makes me even less wanna sleep with her.”

“Landsakes! Is that all ya’ll think about is sex?” She took her hat off and rolled her eyes at me. “What am Ah sayin, course it is. Yer a male. And Ah bet is sure don't help none that your females go into heat at the drop of a hat. Any hat.” she finished, deadpanning as she dropped her hat for emphasis.

It was my turn to cock an eyebrow. “Some you only have to mention hats.” I replied with an equally deadpan look.

This lasted all of five seconds before we both burst into laughter. “Boy, Ah’m starting to see what Pinkie sees in you, but you got alot to learn bout ponies. Especially mares.”

“Show me any man that claims to know women, and I will show you the worlds biggest liar, or the world’s most deluded fool.” I quipped. This got me more laughter, and an outstretched hoof, which I shook.

“Ah like you feller. But me an you gotta sort this mess out with Pinkie, and quick, afore she does somethin stupid... Again.” Sighing, she plopped her hat back on her head.

“I’d welcome any advice from someone that knows her, but I think better when I’m not starving. Care to join me for breakfast? I gotta cook the rest of these eggs before they spoil.” I motioned in the general directions of my cooler, and the smoldering campfire.

“That’s mighty neighborly of ya, Louis. I could go fer some vittles myself. I hiked up this blasted mountain, and been starin at yer tent since dawn.”

“Well then, I don’t know how you feel about meat, but if you get that fire going, I can heat up some leftover steak, some eggs, and mebbe some leftover chili.” I grinned at her flank meaningfully. “Sorry, but no apples.”

“Meh, not much for meat, but some eggs an chili sounds nice. Long as we ain’t gotta share a tent afterwards!” She chuckled and got to work stoking the fire, while I started on the food.

After an improvised breakfast, we sat around the small fire, grinning at each other. I am sure neither found what we had expected in the other, and I was feeling much better already with a full stomach.

“You know you’re wrong. Ah know more than ya may think.” Applejack muttered as she licked her plate clean.

“What? About what?” Looking up from the fire, I gazed at the solemn expression my newest companion had.

“Ah do understand what it’s like. Mah family is real close, an real proud. We are Apples, and we are Earth Ponies. There are a few odd ducks, but mostly Earth Ponies.” She looked up to me, and shrugged. “Ah got a broader view on things, living in Manehatten awhile, but many of us still resent how we are treated by the other tribes. Wars were fought, the unicorns and the pegasai used us in their wars with each other. Earth Ponies remember that.

“There are still places an Earth Pony ain’t welcome in Canterlot. So ya, I understand.” With a sigh she laid down and looked into the barely visible fire.

“So it’s not all rainbows and friendship in happy pony land, eh? I woulda never guessed from the way everyone paints it. Especially Pinkie.” I chuckled, “All she talks about is friendship and parties.”

“Yeah, well Pinkie is a bit of an odd duck. We all love her, but she’s different than most ponies.” Scratching her head, the farm pony tried to think of a way to get her meaning across.

“Ya don't say?” I deadpanned.

“Ah do say! For her, friends are what keeps her goin. She measures her self worth in the number of friends she has, and falls apart without em.” Looking away, she went on, “Ah remember the time she thought we hated her parties, and didn't wanna be her friend. T’wern’t pretty, Ah kin tell ya that.” The orange mare shuddered at the memory.

“Oh yea, I remember Don trying to get me to watch that episode. Her hair went all straight and she was talking to herself.” I managed to surprise myself by remembering that little tidbit.

“This weren’t no show! She went plum loco, locked herself in her room and threw a party with toys she done made to look like us.” A bit of fire sprang into her eyes as she stared me down. “Me an Dash had ta break in a window and drag her off to the hospital. Took alotta drugs to calm her down, and weeks of therapy.” Looking down at the ground, her voice became hollow. “Turns out, the cake was poisoned. Lucky it got smashed in the fight ta git her out of the house, but poor Fluttershy fed some to one of her critters, took us days to calm her down.”

“Pinkie was throwin one last party, all by her lonesome.” Looking up, Applejack glared at me. “So now you see the damage you coulda done?”

“Well damn.” I muttered, still in shock. “I used to joke about her poisoning the food, but now it’s not so funny. But you got her help, right? I mean I knew she was a bit unstable, but damn.”

“Yeah, we took good care of her, and she’s mostly fine now, but we all still worry.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I just couldn't stand her being all over me like that. I mean, she spent the day in heat chasing me around the house and trying to rape me, and let me tell you, it’s not as fun as it sounds!” I pointed an accusing finger at the mare.

Laughing at my joke, Applejack blushed. “Yeah, well that weren’t a fun day fer anypony. There’s places in Texas Ah ain't welcome no more.”

“Ooooh! Do tell!” I put my chin on my folded hands like a gossip leaning on a fence.

“Aww no, I ain't tellin that story. Weren't one of mah prouder moments. Let’s just say, the term ‘Cowgirl’ now has new meaning.” She fanned herself with her hat as the blush grew.

I busted up laughing, remembering Rainbow Dash’s story. Seems all the ponies got into trouble that day.

“Well, as much fun as it would be to pry that one outta you, we are out of food. I planned to do some fishing for dinner, care to join?” I hitched a thumb up the trail away from camp.

Rubbing her chin in thought a moment, the orange pony looked almost comical. “Hmmm, sure. Ain't nowhere Ah gotta be, an Ah ain't been fishin in a long while.” Straightening her hat, she gave me a half lidded glare. “Asides, we got more talkin to do.”

Half an hour later we had the last of the ice chilling some beer, while we set up camp on the nearby lake. It was actually an old beaver dam, but it had been around so long the thing had been pretty much made a permanent part of the landscape.

“Wanna beer?” I offered to Applejack, who shrugged and nodded. I tossed the bottle, and she caught it in her mouth, like a dog, before transferring it to her hooves.

“Hmm, this ain't cider, bit it’s not bad either. Got a bit of bitter to it.” Chugging half the bottle, the farmer grinned at me.

“It’s not bad, for the price. I could show you around town next time you visit and let you sample the local brewery. They got some awesome microbrews on tap.” Pounding back my own cold beer, I grinned back before casting my line.

“So, what ya gonna do bout Pinkie? She has us girls, but not alotta real friends where she’s living at with you. Losing you would hurt her somethin fierce.” Casting her own line, AJ sat back and waited for a bite, pulling the stetson over her eyes as she talked.

“I understand how dependant on her friends she can be. After she got her computer set up, she didn't leave her room for three days. She spent the entire time on Stalkerbook making friends on the internet.” I chuckled at the memory. “I finally had to drag her out and make her take a damn shower after the smell got too bad. Have you ever smelled her after three days?”

Laughing out loud, she pulled her hat up to look at me. “Actually Ah know that smell rather well. Ah do work on a farm after all, and come harvest time, a bath becomes a luxury fer a few days.” Rolling her eyes she looks back at me. “And then there was the time Pinkie got into a staring contest at a knot on one of mah trees. Mah bruther, Big Mac, had to haul her off and toss her in the water trough. She was sore at us for days for makin her lose.”

“Eew, stale Pinkie sweat!” I made a face and got another laugh.

“Too bad ya don't like the smell. Ya smell kinda nice to us ponies.” She grinned at me and swigged her beer.

“No shit?” I sniffed the acrid reek of my own three day funk, and made another face. “No wonder she always wants to jump my bones. Maybe I should shower more often.”

“Hah, won’t help any. You may think it’s all bout bumpin uglies, but most ponies ain't even interested outside of matin season.” Finishing off her beer, she pulled her line in to recast.

“Wait, so Pinkie doesn't wanna screw me? Then what the hell is she playing at?” I recast my own line, tossing another beer to my companion.

“Aw naw, don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions. Some ponies are always ready to rut, as bad as humans. A few pegasai Ah know come to mind.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I got the message. Rainbow Dash was rather playful during her visit. “And that girl Pinkie, she’d lift her tail for you anytime. Poor girl has it for you bad, but that ain't what she needs.”

“I don’t get it, what does she want then? I mean she practically raped me! That sends a pretty clear message.” I threw up my hands, just in time for a tug on my line.

I grabbed the pole before it could end up in the water, and Applejack jumped up to cheer me on. A few minutes of playing the line, and I landed me a sizable trout. Quickly it was transferred to a nearby live bucket to await its fate.

“Well now we know what we’re having for dinner!” I grinned and fistbumped my fishing buddy.

“Sounds good to me, pardner! Ain't had pegasus food in an age.” Rolling her eyes at me, she grinned. “Fish is one of the few meats anypony can get without Fluttershy getting all upset. And it’s quite tasty.”

“Yeah, I heard about her. Animal lover, they are afraid to let her visit?” I raised an eyebrow, asking for explanation.

“Yea, the girl sure loves her critters, but scared to death of ponies. But iffin she even thinks one of her friends are in trouble, that timid little thing turns into a right monster! I once saw her stare down a full growed dragon. Made the big feller cry like a little foal that had it’s fanny smacked.”

“Wow, so I guess no hunting when I visit then?” I joked.

“Hah, I doubt that. Iffen her pet bear don't chew you up, she’d make you wanna kill yourself in shame. Pissin Flutters off is the last thing ya wanna do.” Stopping to reel in her own catch, the conversation lulled until the catch was landed.

“Anyways, to answer yer question, all she wants is friendship and love.” Sighing, she drank down another beer, and I could tell there was more to her statement than she was willing to tell. “All anypony wants, really. Just somepony to hold them, tell them they are special. It ain't all bout sex and stuff. Just hug her, be her friend. Tell her she’s special.” Voice growing strained, I could see she was talking as much from her own needs as those of her friend.

“Don’t worry none bout ruttin Pinkie. When next season comes, she’s got her buddy, Cheese Sammich. Her and him been knockin boots a few years now during ruttin season. Ah heard tell they was even thinkin bout makin it official, and settlin down for some foals. That was afore that portal thingy opened and we all got drafted for this damn ambassador gig.” Kicking a rock into the water, she took a deep sigh.

Scooting closer, I pulled her into a one armed hug, and the strong farm pony just leaned into me with a sniff. “You left someone too?”

“What? No! Mebbe... I never asked him. He was always so damn proper. And I think Rarity had her eye on him anyway. It woulda never worked out.” I couldn't help but notice the shift in her voice, sounding more refined, with a bit of a Brooklyn twang. “Besides, it’s my family I miss the most. Little ‘Bloom is growing up without me, and poor Macintosh is running the farm all on his own.”

I just hugged her tighter, and listened to the sniffles for awhile. Finally she looked up at me and smiled. “Thanks, Sugarcube. This is exactly what a mare needs. Just remember that, for Pinkie, okay?”

Before I could reply, both lines hit, and we were too busy falling over each other to talk. We called it a day with three nice sized trout, and a lost bait. Off to the camp for a much needed clean up and cooking session.

It was mutually decided, despite how each of us felt about the other’s smell, the smell of freshly gutted fish was not pleasant for anyone. After the food was set to slow cook in the coals, we trekked down to the nearby swimming hole to wash up. I received some teasing for insisting to keep my swimming trunks on while I cleaned up, despite Applejack being fully nude. She sobered a bit when she remembered she would need a bit of help getting to the harder to reach places without the grooming tools most ponies owned.

It became my turn to laugh as she performed a full body blush while I was helping scrub her flanks and tail. The tension was quickly broken however as the rinsing phase of the ritual quickly devolved into a splash fight. By the end, we were both dripping, clean, and grinning like idiots. Not to mention tired as hell.

As the day waned, we returned to the camp for a nice meal of fish, with some baked potatoes and corn slow roasted in the campfire. The last few beers were drank, and the warm glow of our full bellies matched the warm glow of the setting sun.

“Ah really am starting to ‘preciate what Pinkie sees in ya, Louis. Yer a right fine fella, smart, funny, and ya smell nice too.” Winking at the last words, her voice grew husky as she smiled at me. “It’s just too bad yer so gosh darned UGLY!” Her voice returned to normal as she chuckled at me, sticking her tongue out.

“It’s the hands, I tell ya. Ponies dig the digits!” I grinned and wiggled my fingers at her.

“Ya don’t say?” Slinking up to me like a cat, the farm pony ducked her head under my outstretched hand. I automatically began to scritch her behind the ears as I would most animals. The effect was immediate. “Oh my Celestia! That’s amazing. Yes, right thar, right thar, don't stop!” I laughed as her hind leg began to kick like a dog and the contented grin spread across her freckled face.

“In all my days, I have yet to meet a critter that didn't love a scritch behind the ears.” I grinned too and continued as my newest friend began purring like a cat under my ministrations. “Behold, the power of HANDS!” I playfully bellowed, getting an answering chuckle.

Suddenly the orange pony pulled away, blushing and looking flustered. “Landsakes, you better stop that ‘afore I decide to steal you away from Pinkie mahself. Ah dun care how ugly ya are, that was amazing!” I just laughed in response, and pulled her into an awkward hug.

“Well now, how did you plan to spend the rest of the evening?” I gazed up at the coming night, and added more fuel to the fire.

“Well shoot, Ah never planned to stay this long and Ah dun look forward to truckin down the mountain in the dark.” Looking embarrassed, she kicked at a the ground.

“Don’t sweat it. I’d welcome more company, and we can tell embarrassing stories about Pinkie Pie!” Grinning, I patted the seat near me. “I’ve spent enough time brooding alone for a bit.”

“Well then, Ah don't suppose it could hurt to stay another day. Not like I got much else to attend to.” She plopped down next to me, and smiled in my direction. “Ya got any more of that beer?”

“I’m afraid we’re all tapped out, but I got something better! I was saving it for my last day, but I think I better cut my trip short so I can get home and patch things up with Pinkie.” As I spoke, I rummaged in my pack, pulling out a carefully wrapped package, handing the contents to Applejack.

“Hmm, Appleton Estates, 15 year Reserve?” She cocked an eyebrow at me in question. “This here is liquor, ain't it?”

“Some of the best. My mom gave it to me for my birthday, and I’ve been saving it. She owns half the plantation where they make it.” I motioned for her try it.

“Well, iffin it has apples in the name, it cain’t be all bad.” With a twist, she pulled out the cork, then took a swig. Her eyes bulged, and she swallowed, followed by a jerking cough. “Smoooth...” she managed to choke out. “That ain't made from apples!”

“Naw, it’s rum, made from sugarcane. Some of the best too.” I motioned for the bottle and took a swig myself, relishing the burn as it flowed down to my extremities.

“Hoowee, it gives a kick. Sugar, ya say? Don't let Pinkie find out. As much as that girl likes sugar, Ah’d hate to see what she’d do with booze made from the stuff.” We both laughed at the thought of a hyperactive pony drunk off her ass. “So iffin yer ma owns this here plantation, what does yer pappy own?”

I grinned and leaned closer, taking a swig of the rum before answering, “He owns this mountain.”

Her eyes grew wide as she looked around in surprise. “The whole mountain? How can a feller own a whole mountain? Mah family founded Ponyville, and our farm is only a small part of the town.”

“Well that’s an interesting story. Ya remember when I told you bout how some humans hate others just because they are a different color?” She nodded in response, getting a worried look. “Well his family was from around here, and they were none too pleased when he married a dark skinned islander. He brought his wife home to the family reunion and they all but kicked him out.” This was received with a shocked look.

“Wait, they kicked em out fer lovin somepony that was another color? Ah’ve seen some things in my time, especially in yer south, but for family to turn on another like that, s’just plain wrong!” The orange mare was clearly upset at the idea and stomped a hoof. I just smiled and handed her the bottle for another drink as I continued.

“Yes, well they forgot how stubborn and hotheaded the family is, and they forgot how rich my dad was at that point. He used his contacts from his job at the time, and found out that the entire mountain was owned by a local mining company, and half the land was just leased to the folks that lived here.” I grinned evilly and took the bottle back for another swig, smacking my lips at the yummy burn. “He bought the company, and all of it’s assets, and then spent the next decade slowly letting the leases expire, and kicking the bastards off the mountain.”

“Wow, that's just evil.”

“Yep, well that's why you don't piss off my old man. Us mountain men are vindictive as hell.” I grinned back at her startled expression.

Suddenly she perked up and looked at me differently. “So wait, yer family is like, all rich and all? So why you need a roommate, like Pinkie?”

I snorted, rolling my eyes. “My parents are rich. My dad is proud of how he started out poor, and made his own way in life, and he raised me to be the same. They paid for my college, gave me a house, but haven't given me a penny since. I decided I wanted to enjoy life for a bit, and continue my education later, so long as I was willing to pay my own way in life, they didn't give a damn.

Sighing, I leaned back and took another shot, feeling the mellow buzz start to melt into something stronger. “So, I work a shitty, dead end job, flake out and play video games, and need someone to help me pay some bills.” I shrug, “It’s a big house, and having company is nice I guess. It works out for now, as long as Pinkie can keep her hands to herself.”

“Ahh, well it should all work out, Ah’m sure. Shounds like meh at mah younger daysh.” I could hear the alcohol starting to slur her words, as the glassy look in her eyes told me she was approaching wasted. “Ah went off ya find mahselfs, shpent time in Manehatten bein all proper an shtuff. A right proper young lady Ah wash.” Shrugging, she took another shot, and passed the bottle back. I couldn't help but notice we had passed the halfway mark, and I stoppered the bottle with a small smile.

“But! But it twern’t fer me. Mah family and mah farm called me back, and I found mah placsh on da farm.” Leaning over, she put an arm around my sholders and tried to give me a serious look, which was totally ruined by her swaying back and forth. “Ah jusht hope ya find yer placsh, Louish.

“I’m sure I will. But for now, life’s a party, as Pinkie like’s to say.” I smiled back and helped her back to her seat. “Ugh, and for now, I think my place is in bed.”

“Aww, where’s da rum?” Luckily, she hadn’t seen me hide the bottle. Knowing where this party was going and heading it off before my very good rum was forcefully redeposited in the bushes nearby when her stomach realized it was losing the battle against alcohol poisoning.

“Why’sh da rum gone?” Swaying on her hooves, the orange mare tried to look behind me for the missing bottle. I did my best not to facepalm at the inadvertently quoted movie reference.

“Go home Applejack, you’re drunk.” I said with a laugh.

“Cain’t go home, s’too dark. Gonna shleep here. Mmm warm far an shoft ground, an dat log looksh comfy.” She started to stumble off to a nearby log to lay down, and I headed her off.

“Oh no you don’t! I got you drunk, you are my responsibility.” I steered her towards my tent, and after a minimum of fumbling, managed to get the flaps open. She mumbled a thanks and collapsed on the floor inside, completely missing the sleeping bag. With a sigh, I turned to bank the fire, before returning to find the farm pony snoring softly, her hat over her face.

Securing the tent flaps, I crawled into my bag with a sigh. I paused a moment before unzipping it, and repositioning so it could cover my companion. Suddenly, she rolled over and latched her hooves onto me in a tight hug, smiling in her sleep, not even breaking the rhythm of her snores.

With another sigh, I settled in for a night of being spooned by a drunken pony. I had to admit I’ve slept through worse situations. Being used as a teddy bear by a drunken mare doesn't even rate.

“Hooves ta yerself mishter...” I heard her mumble, as I slowly drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but appreciate the irony.

After an awkward awakening to a sleeping pony sucking on my thumb, we broke camp and I drove AJ down the mountain where she had a ride waiting for her. I finally got my answer of how she tracked me down, and was embarrassed that it was so simple. It seems Twilight tapped into the GPS on my Robotz smart phone, and looked up the location. I guess that's the price of living in the modern age.

Half a day drive found me home again, and after a very long hot shower plus a well needed shave, I was sprawled out on the sofa. Drinking cheap beer and eating cheap pizza I picked up from Little Platos. It was just like the old college days, minus the acne. The house was empty, and it felt like something was missing, so I decided to watch some TV.

And next up, on the Gerald Faller Show, “So I married a pony!”
“Welcome to the show, folks. We have an interesting and controversial topic for you. Humans and Ponies have been living together for several years now, and despite the cultural and physical differences, some have found love. Today we have several couples that have taken the next step, and gotten married to their soulmates.”
The crowd jeers and boos at the announcement, as the ringmaster rolls his eyes to great effect. He then steps aside and begins to announce his first guests.
“Our first couple hail from California, and Cloudsdale, and they have even taken the time to get married in both locations. Jim says he is a professional surfboard designer, and Cloudsong is a weather control inspector. Folks, lets give a warm welcome for Jim and Cloudsong!”
The audience cheers, with a few offnote whistles as the couple step from offstage. The human is a tall blond man, wearing a grungy looking shirt and baggy pants. The mare is a pegasus sporting a pink coat and yellow mane. They stride across the stage, waving to the crowd, before leaning close for a kiss. This draws oohs and awws from the crowd, and a few woops, especially from the ponies in the audience.
“So, Jim and Cloudsong...” The host begins.
“Please, you can just call me Cloud” The mare interrupts, smiling sweetly. She reaches out to the hand of her mate, who holds it. This simple act gets some more noise from the crowd at the simple gesture.
“Okay then, Jim and Cloud. You both have been through some tough trials of late, with some folks opposing human and pony unions. And yet, despite all this, you have remained true to one another, and even gotten a legal marriage in both countries.” Gerald sits down to face the couple, now seated in arm chairs.
“Yeah, and soon I will be getting my dual citizenship so that I can travel freely in Equestria.” Jim pipes in. This gets some cheers from the ponies in the audience.
“That's amazing to hear! And you told us you plan to expand your business to Equestria, and sell your custom designs to ponies. It sounds as if the worlds are not going to stop you from achieving your dream.” With a smile, the host turns to the audience, who promptly cheers the couple on.
“But all is not well, is it?” Gerald prompts.
“No, we still have trouble from some of our neighbors. The house gets vandalized, and we have had threats both in the mail and left on our phones. My own brother refuses to talk to me.” Looking down at his feet, the young man sighs, and the pegasus leans over and hugs him with a wing.
“Well, I have a special treat that may help you folks. It seems our next couple are having an even tougher time of it, and they have something very important to share with you two.” Backing away, Gerald motions to the viewing screen, where a familiar blond man is looking into the camera.
“Jim. It’s been too damn long, and I’ve given you such a hard time over the years because of the choices you have made. Now it’s time that I come clean, and tell you how sorry I have been for the way I treated you.” The man on the screen looks like a twin to the one on stage, save for the clean cut of his cloths and well groomed hair. As the screen fades, the censors have a field day censoring the profanity coming from the first human guest.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet John.” As the man takes the stage, the crowd erupts, but in a moment he motions offstage, and things go really wild. “And I would also like to introduce his lover, Lens Flare!”
As the ringmaster announces the newest guest, the entire studio erupts. Out trots a pony stallion, a unicorn, sporting a dark grey coat and shocking blue mane, bearing a camera cutie mark. As he trots on stage, the human kneels down and shares a very passionate kiss with him, causing the audience to somehow get even louder.
Suddenly there is movement, and Jim is running across the stage towards his brother, pulling him up to take a swing at the other man. Before the bouncers can even react, he is frozen in place as the horn of the unicorn flares to life. The audience cheers like the bloodthirsty mob they are, and it takes several moments for the bouncers and host to regain control. Finally the sound is low enough for the guests to be heard, and once again the censors have their work cut out for them.
“You f*****g bastard! After all the s**t you pulled, at our wedding, in front of our parents! This is the big f*****g secret you have been hiding all these years? You’re a damn faggot, and a pony f****r!” Livid with rage, the younger brother screams across the stage at his sibling. The bouncers stand ready to intercept the next round of violence, and the two ponies just look scared as they watch their partners. “You are nothing but a damn hypocrite!”
“Yes, I’m a damn hypocrite. I’m sorry for all the things I said, and the s**t I pulled. I regret every nasty word I ever said to you.” Looking tired and broken, the older brother couldn't even look the other man in the eye. “You don’t understand what it has been like all these years. I had to be the older brother. I had to be upstanding and normal, to carry on dad’s proud family name. I was the one they expected everything from, and demanded it always be perfect!”
Looking up, James points at the other man on stage, a new fire in his eyes. “But YOU! You were the youngest, the baby. Mom and dad gave you everything, and demanded NOTHING! You got to drop out, f**k off and play surfer boy, while I was sent for f*****g military school, and put through boot camp.”
“And you wanna know the funniest part? Mom knew. She knew all the time what I was, and it disgusted her. I got to see it in her eyes every damn day. She loved you, but she hated me. And now I’m done with it. I found someone that loves me for who and what I am, and I am done with lying. I am done with hiding. I am f*****g DONE with hurting my little brother because of our parent’s mistakes.”
Meanwhile the rage and blood drained from the younger brother’s face, as he watches his sibling slowly break down. The good son, the perfect soldier, falling apart in front of him. They both have tears running down their face as they run at one another again.
“I love you bro, I don’t care what you are!” Jim and James embrace, and the audience gives out a heartwrenching “Awwwww.”
Stepping in, Gerald takes the focus of the camera, and sets up for the commercial break. “Coming up next, our last couple have finally managed to find a place to get married, but are still fighting laws that say their love is not allowed. After the break, we will meet Nathan and Buttercup, the shetland pony.”
The camera switches to an image of a man holding the reins of a non-equestrian pony, who is wearing a saddle and white wedding dress. The scene cuts away to a preview of the upcoming scene, and the two sharing a sloppy kiss as the other four guests look on in horror, and the audience chants “Gerald! Gerald! Gerald!”

“Oh fuck that shit!” I let out a yell, turning the television off, before throwing the remote. “Equestrian ponies are one thing, but some people are just fucking sick.”

I watch as the remote manages to bounce off the wall and then roll back to my feet, just as the sound of the front door opening reaches me. I tense up, unsure how this will go, and not looking forward to the confrontation. It wasn’t a lie when I said Pinkie was one of my best friends at this point, and losing her would be hard. On the other hand, having her continue to force affections I just don't feel and interfering in my own pursuits would just make me even more miserable. There had to be a middle ground.

I heard hesitant hoofsteps as Pinkie entered the house, and made her way towards the living room. She had to know I was home from the car out front, and I got the feeling she was just as unsure as I.

“Louis? You home?” I heard her voice, sounding a bit more husky, as if she had been crying recently.

“In here, Pinks.” I responded, setting down my beer with a sigh.

As Pinkie entered the room, I saw that her hair was once again straight as a razor, and as attractive as it made her appear, the haunted look in her eyes ruined the effect. At first she just stared at me, looking as nervous as I felt, and then she looked like she was going to cry. Finally, I sighed and opened my arms for a hug. Launching herself at me, I was tackled hard enough to make the couch rock.

“I’m so sorry Louis, please don't be mad at me anymore!” As the pink mare whimpered into my shoulder, I stroked her hair.

“Pinkie, I’m not mad at you. And I’m the one that needs to apologize for what I did. You just were the first target I saw after I was hurt by that bitch, Amanda. I had no right to hit you like I did.” I lifted her chin to look at me.

“But it was all my fault! If I hadn't said those awful things, you wouldn't have gotten hurt, and left, and, and I thought you weren’t ever gonna come back!” She held me tighter, and I rolled my eyes.

“Pinkie, listen to me. Amanda was an evil bitch. You saw it, and you tried to warn me, but I was too stupid to notice. Sooner or later I woulda found out and been hurt. You just sorta pulled the bandage off quicker, and I wasn't ready for the shock.” Chuckling, I pulled her back so I could look at her with a wry grin. “And besides, this is my house. Of course I’d come back, you silly pony.”

Sniffling, she wiped her eyes as she chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that was pretty silly of me. You threatened to kick me out instead.”

“I just needed some time to work things out. I tend to do that best by myself, where I can't hurt my friends like I hurt you.” Finally getting the ghost of a smile, I booped her on the nose to make it grow.

“So how was it? Where did you go? Did you go on some epic quest to find your true purpose in life, scaling giant mountains and fighting evil monsters in the quest across an untamed land to find the great wizard on the mountain that gave you the answer you were looking for?” Pausing for breath, she beamed at me. “Cuz that's the kinda fun I wanna be part of! I can even sing a song about it.” And out of nowhere, she pulls an accordion. Okay, it may have come out of her hair, but I’m still not sure how.

Before she could burst into song, I quickly put my hand on her mouth. As well as this was going, I was still not in the mood for a musical number. “Wait! No songs.” She seemed to deflate along with the sound of her accordion, before the instrument was tossed aside, and the smile returned.

Her hair even seemed to me curling back into shape as she beamed. “Okie dokie! So what happened?”

“Applejack happened.” I deadpanned, rolling my eyes.

“Wait, what? She said she was gonna go find you, and give you a piece of her mind. She didn't hurt you did she?” Gasping, the pink mare began to growl, and I saw a fire light in her eyes.

“Nothing I didn't deserve, although I should probably get my fillings checked.” Seeing the look of anger grow I quickly laughed. “I’m kidding! We just talked. Mostly. Did some fishing, got drunk. But mostly just talked.” I sighed, shrugging. “Applejack gave me some pointers on how to love a pony, and stuff like that.”

“She WHAT?!” The anger was back, and I could see her back arching like a cat.

“That's not what I mean! Calm down, already. It was just some good friendly banter. She explained that you don't need sex like humans do, but just want some cuddling and attention. Hell, the way she made it sound, you were more like a big pet than a girlfriend.” I grinned.

All anger gone, Pinkie grinned sheepishly at me. “Oh, well that's fine. She’s mostly right. I really don't need sex when I’m not in season, not that I wouldn't mind a little fun. But if you aren't okay with it, I can definitely wait until then. It’s not like most ponies are exclusive and all. In fact, many still do the whole traditional herd thing. I’m just a little weird and sometimes get all jealous.” Sighing, she looked up at me with sad eyes. “I’m sorry if I sometimes turn into a little greenie meanie pants. I’ll try not to let it get to me. I really don't mind being your little pony pet, as long as you scratch behind my ears!” Leaning in close, I happily scritched until her leg began to thump the couch.

As her hair fully curled into it’s normal mess, I saw the look of bliss cross her face, and couldn't help poke one last barb. “Well I’m glad that you finally accept you were acting silly and jealous, and I forgive you as long as you work to control it. Besides, I really didn't want you to flip out when you heard that I slept with Applejack.”

“WHAAAT!” In a flash, she was out of my arms, over the coffee table, and glaring at me as she snorted like a bull. I just laughed my ass off, as she realized I had been messing with her, and gave a brittle laugh.

“Really Pinkie, you are gonna have to work harder than that if you want to hang with me.” I shook my head.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Louis. I’ll work harder on it, I swear. It’s just, Applejack is my friend, and the idea that she slept with you, and I can't... It’s just not fair. I’m glad you were only joking.” With a deep sigh, she walked back around the table and flopped back onto the couch.

“Oh we really did sleep together.” The look of horror returned for a moment before I booped her nose. “We just didn't have sex. It was a small tent, we were both drunk, and she used me as a teddy bear. She really has as much interest in me as I do in her, so nothing happened.” Pulling Pinkie into another hug, I went on. “But you know, I learned something from her. I don't have to be in love, to love someone. And I don't have to have sex, or even be attracted to someone to share some affection.”

“Thanks Louis. That's all I ever wanted.” Sighing into my chest, I felt the pink mare relax into my arms.

“We’ll find a way to make it work, Pinkie. We just need time, and tolerance.” Leaning down, I kissed her gently on the forehead, getting an even bigger smile as she cuddled me with her eyes closed.

“Thanks Louis, thank you so much for being my bestest friend.”

“You’re welcome, Pinkie.” I sighed, and then rolled my eyes. “And Pinkie?”

“Yes, Louis?” She sweetly replied.

“Could you please stop grabbing my ass?”

“Woopsie!” She giggled, as I just shook my head.

Author's Notes:

UPDATE: Edited with the help of http://www.fimfiction.net/user/holyme Thanks!
UPDATE 2: Return of the Editor Edition!

Meh, this chapter took entirely too damn long to write, and concludes the current drama arc between Louis and Pinkie. Yes, the title is a song reference.

Please excuse any errors, there was a massive amount of Jackanese in this one, even drunken Jackanese, and both of the folks that offered to edit went MIA the moment it was done. Blah. I lose so many damn editors that way. So anyway, after three days of waiting I said fuckit and submitted. If I ever hear back from them I may update it later.

Moving forward I am going back to some more of the comedy and episodic content I started with, I have a few ideas in the works, but an always looking for more. Still undecided if I will ultimately go the shipping route I mentioned in my blog, but if run out of sitcom ideas, I may do it, focusing more on them becoming a couple and the pains if them vs the world. This is actually the first story that I have written that I didn't have a clear ending in mind from the start, and it's kinda refreshing. Time will tell.

So yea, in closing, still looking for an editor... Enjoy your Dru'ken Po'ni.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WFf5o0_KHR5-ireEZMiqvb-9CEd3a8EPLg1NweQQbPM/edit#

Family Matters

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My first day back at work was pretty nice. I found out that Amanda had quit for reasons unknown, and they were deliriously happy to have me back. Don had decided to take a vacation of his own and for some reason the boss wouldn’t tell anyone when he was coming back. Not that I can blame Don, he had apparently won his dream; a trip to Equestria. Needless to say, things had gotten bad, and the company was more than happy to leave me to tackle the tech work in peace while the newb floor monkeys ran interference to keep the customers away from me. It was a good day.

After the shift was over, I had handed things off to some new hire they had me training, and I was in high spirits on my way home. Things had worked out well for me and Pinkie; I gave her plenty of hugs and cuddles, and she was working on her jealousy issues. She had even started sending letters to her old flame back in Equestria. As an added bonus, she was no longer trying to jump my bones. Life was good again.

As an even better bonus, she had started to pick up on my need for a clean and orderly home, and became quite the domestic little housekeeper. I didn't care if it was only an effort to make me happy, She seemed to enjoy it, and I got my house cleaned for free. Win-win, baby!

So as I entered the house, I felt like a 50’s sitcom husband coming home to his loving wife. I almost had the urge to pull out a pipe and wear a smoking jacket. I was not at all surprised to hear Pinkie happily vacuuming the rugs, although how she did it on two legs kind of baffled me. Even the song she sang was strangely fitting, if a bit creepy.

“And it's hard to learn,
And it's hard to love,
When you're giving me such sweet nothing.
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing!
You're giving me such sweet nothing!”

The techno beat thumped through the house, making me grin as my perky pink pony pranced, leading the purring machine around the couch. What sat on the couch, however made me stop dead. Grinning happily were the two people I least expected to see, and a mix of emotions ran through my mind as I realized I had no idea how to react. As my parents watched my roommate dance around, they were nodding their head to the music, not noticing me at all. I pondered for a moment turning to run, thinking of a way to explain everything that had been going on. It had been years since they visited, and I had totally forgotten to tell them about getting a roommate, let alone that she was a pony. Hell, they might even be one of those pony haters. Goodness knows, my dad was a hard headed bastard, despite marrying a black Jamaican woman, and had his share of prejudices.

But that all came crashing down as Pinkie turned to me and gasped. “Hiya Louis! Welcome home! You’re never gonna guess who stopped by for a visit!”

I shit you not, I heard a needle scratch across a record as the music came to a halt. I don't even own a record player, but even without magic, one grows used to the unexpected happening when Pinkie is involved. Quickly, I managed to plaster a smile on my face as I turned to see the reaction of my parents, but was met with genuine smiles in return.

“Hey Louie! Come over here and give yer old man a hug!” My larger-than-life father threw his arms wide waiting for said hug as he stood up, my mother behind him.

“Louis, my child. I have missed you so much!” My mother’s islander accent rolled over me and brought back memories of her singing me to sleep, and was a mellow counterpoint to my father’s brash redneck accent. Suddenly all my worries flowed away, and I felt a tear come to my eye as I rushed forward, feeling like a kid fresh home from his first day of school.

“Mom, Dad!” I rushed forward and hugged them both, getting a kiss on the cheek from my mother, while my father pounded on my back as if I were choking. “I missed you guys so much!”

“Well we keep telling ya to bring yer ass down to visit, but you are too good to take a break and see yer folks.” My dad gently smacked me in the back of the head as a rebuff.

“Honey, leave ‘im alone. He’s all grown, an ‘as a life to live.” My mother kissed me gently on the forehead and gave me another hug.

“Ooh, is it time for hugs! ‘Cus I’m a world champion hugger, in two worlds!” Suddenly we were all crammed together as a pair of pink arms wrapped around us.

“Pinkie, leggo!” I squawked

“Oh, sorry, was that supposed to be a private hug? I sometimes have trouble telling the difference.” Jumping back, Pinkie managed to look abashed while still grinning madly.

“Ahem. Mom. Dad. I would like you to meet my roommate, Pinkie Pie of Equestria. Pinkie, this is my mom and dad.” I waved by way of introductions.

“Oh my, you have grown up, kid. And it’s good to see you finally got over Darci. And with a pony, no less?” Wagging his eyebrows at me, my dad chuckled.

“Aww, is so romantic! My little boy has gotten himself a pony girl! I am soo ‘appy for you, though we were ‘oping for some grandchillin.” My mother pulled pack to look me over as she beamed proudly.

“What? Wait, no! It’s nothing like that!” I sputtered, taking a step back. “Pinkie and I are just friends. I needed some extra money, it’s a big house, and she needed a place to live. We are definitely not dating!”

At this my father’s face started to cloud over, and he balled his fists. “Boy, you know better than to lie to us. We both heard how that girl talks about you, and iffin that ain't love, then yer a fuckin idiot. And we didn't raise no idiot!”

“Daryl, leave the boy alone. I’m sho he has something to say bout it.” My mother put a hand on my dad’s arm, and I saw the anger flow away like a punctured balloon. Turning to me, she smiled gently and encouraged me to continue. “Go on, child. Tell us erryting.”

“I’m sorry, Mister and Mrs Louis’ parents. I didn't mean to get him in trouble.” Pinkie stepped in, standing between me and my parents, who now wore skeptical expressions. “I really do love him, and he loves me, but not in the same way.” Looking up at me, I couldn't help but kneel and give her a hug. “It’s complicated. We had some rough times, but it just made us closer friends, and that's far more important than anything.”

“Yeah, we are not a couple in the traditional sense, but we are closer than friends now.” Chiming in, now that my parents were starting to look less aggravated. “We finally agree that we can be close, but still have our own romantic and physical lives. Well, as long as she gets her daily hug therapy.” I grinned at my pink partner, and she started to giggle.

“So you haven't fucked yet?” My dad managed to reply drolly.

“Daryl! That was quite uncalled for!” My mother scolded him, slapping him hard on the arm. Being on the receiving end of those slaps, I didn't blame my dad for wincing.

“What? It’s a perfectly valid question for a concerned parent to ask. And I notice he hasn't answered yet.” Glaring at me pointedly, he crossed his arms.

“No dad, I haven't slept with her, or any other ponies. It’s not that kind of relationship, and I’m just not sexually attracted to ponies.”

“Not for lack of trying!” Pinkie chimed in, forcing me to facepalm. “He really sticks by his standards, even when ya get him drunk!”

This broke the ice, prompting the three of them to laugh, while I slowly died of humiliation.

“Yeah that's my boy, such a stickler for having things just right. Dunno where he gets it from. Get a few shots in me and I’m stupid enough to do anything.” Grinning like a fool, my dad plopped back onto the couch.

“Oh, like the time you took a bet and asked da bar owner's daughter out on a date?” My mom poked him in the arm with a wicked grin.

“Well damn. It didn't take gettin liquored up to wanna do that. She was the prettiest thing on the island. The booze was to get up the balls to get ask her knowing I was gonna git rejected, and then have my ass kicked by her three brothers.” My dad rolled his eyes, getting into the story. “You shoulda seen em, every one looked like they were linebackers carved outta coal, and they had a reputation for kicking the shit outta tourists that messed with their sister.”

“They were pussycats! I was the one that used to beat them at any sport they tried, but my Da never let me go out witout dem.” She rolled her eyes. “He was raisin a proppa lady, he says. Bah! Why ya think I say yes? It was to piss off mah old man.”

“Ahh, and in that act of rebellion, I got my chance at the second most beautiful woman alive.” Grinning like an idiot, my dad set up the joke, while me and my mom rolled our eyes having heard it a thousand times.

“Ooh, if she was the second, who was the first?” Pinkie predictably rose to the bait.

“Why her mother, of course. Too bad she was already married. But I was charming enough to talk her into letting me have the second prize, and she had her husband wrapped around her finger, so he didn't even get a chance to say no.” Slapping his knee, my dad guffawed at the old joke, while Pinkie laughed way harder than was necessary. Then again, this was Pinkie.

“Like I dun have you wrapped round my finga? Ain't that right?” My mother raised an eyebrow at my dad, daring him to disagree.

“Yes dear.” he responded sullenly, still grinning.

I looked between them, the old chemistry flowing that made them such a happy couple, and made me feel part of a loving family, no matter how dysfunctional. Pinkie was laughing along like she had grown up with us, and they seemed to treat her no different despite her species or origin. Finally I felt the tension that had been balled up inside me let go, as I discovered they were not going to reject my closest friend.

“So, you guys are alright with this?” I motioned between myself and Pinkie. “I mean, her living her and all? I know some folks aren't so happy about it.”

“Son, stop bein stupid. I’m a poor white redneck from West Virginia. My grandpappy was a member of the Klu Klux Klan, and I’m pretty sure if you shook our family tree, some Nazis would fall out. And yet I went and married the blackest woman on the planet, and then told my own pa to go fuck himself if he didn't like it!” Once again, my father bellowed, as his face turned red, and then with a touch from my mom, it was all gone in a blink. “You go on an live yer own life, son. We gave you this house to do with as you please. Live with who you want, love who you want, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Not even an old bastard like me.

“So is grandpop still trying to sue you for the mountain?” I asked, quietly. My recent trip had brought the subject closer to my mind lately.

“Hell yeah he is. And the fucker can keep on tryin, cuz my lawyer is more expensive than his. He had his chance.” This time he didn't calm down at my mother’s coaxing, but instead stood up. “I think I need a drink. Is the bar still open?”

My mother and Pinkie looked at him and then at each other, and finally at me. I saw the silent pleading in my mother’s eyes and nodded. “Yea dad, they still keep a seat open for you. Joe says it’s the least he can do after you saved the place.”

“Damn straight. Good to see he took my advice and didn't run the place into the ground.” With a huff, he headed for the door. “You ladies, be safe, I’ll be back in a few.”

“I’ll go too, Dad. We got some catching up to do, and we can leave the ladies to their gossip.” I grinned, and received a pair of tongues stuck at me in response, while my old man just laughed and slapped me on the back. He turned away just in time to miss the smile and thankful nod from my mother.

Joe’s bar was a local landmark, one that almost didn't survive the recent economic downturn. It was my dad’s favorite watering hole, and when Joe ran into some financial trouble, my dad used his contacts to swoop in and buy the place from the bank. Then he promptly turned it back over to Joe, after extracting a promise to fix the place up and stop being an idiot with finances. Joe took it to heart, turning it from a shithole dive bar, into a rather nice sports bar that had even been featured in several newspaper articles. He even went so far as to date and marry an accountant, who kept his ass out of jail, and the bar’s accounts in the black. I heard rumor he was thinking about starting a family night, since he had a kid himself now. Yes, family, fun, and free drinks for the kids! Non-alcoholic, of course.

“Heya Joe! Glad to see the place hasn't burned down yet!” My dad waved to the bartender on duty, getting a shocked look in response. The comment wasn’t entirely in jest, as there had been at least one incident when Joe passed out behind the bar with a lit cigarette.

“Daryl! You bastard, you never return my letters, and you blocked all my calls!” Joe hopped over the bar with an athletic fitness that was out of place for someone his age.

“Yea, well I told you last time that we were through, after I caught you cheating on me with that pretty wife of yours...” Affecting a false gay voice, my dad ribbed his long time friend.

“I can’t help it, she gives better head than you. And she doesn't need to shave before she does it!” With a laugh, the two friends hugged, beating each other on the back like vikings after a mighty battle.

“You remember my son, Louis?” My dad put his arm around me.

“Is that little Louie? Where ya been, kid? My little dive not good enough for you these days?” Punching me in the arm, he grinned getting one in return.

“Naa Mr. Joe, I just turned into a beer snob and started hanging out at the brewery. The scenery is a bit nicer there.” I waggled my eyebrows at him, not needing to elaborate on the walking decor that was the mainstay of my favorite place. Tits and Ass were complimentary with every meal at The Station. In fact, I couldn't remember ever seeing a male server there.

“Yea, can't blame ya there. Nice view, good brew. I lost a few of my better servers to them too. But people come here for other shit.” He waved an arm across the room, where low lights were interspersed with neon and TVs showing various sporting events.

“Yea, like dark booths, cheap booze, and cheaper beer.” My dad quipped in.

“And don't forget, the cleanest bathroom in town! No piss on my floor, nosirreebob!” Hopping back over the bar, he pulled out a rag and wiped a spot clean. “So what can I get ya? Anything you want, on the house!”

“Bah, damn straight! Deed’s still in my name after all. Although, I may sign it over to your kid for her graduation gift. Then you can work for her!” giving a toothy smile, my dad had that look that made you wonder if he was really joking or not. It was usually a bad idea to call him on it.

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in. Not that I would mind working for the little scamp. Five years old, already smarter than both her parents, and had her eyes on a master’s degree in business. I still wanna know who my wife cheated on me with so I can thank him, ‘cuz them smarts sure as hell didn't come outta my pants!” Rolling his eyes, Joe pulled a pair of beers with practiced ease, sliding them across to us.

“Recessive genes, ain't they a bitch? But I got my smart changeling outta the deal. Gimme a bottle of whiskey, and rum for the kid. He has his mother’s taste.” Turning to me with the beers, he handed me one and we toasted. “To honor! If ya can't cum in her, cum on her!” And with a laugh, we downed the brew.

After we had retired with our bottles, and several shots had been downed, we settled in for the much needed talk. I was not entirely sure I wanted to have it, but when my dad wanted something, he eventually got it. It was usually less painful to just accept it and get it over with.

“So, what's the real story with you and the pony girl? Last I heard, you were still bawlin yer eyes out over that whale of a girl, Darci. You finally get over that bitch?” My dad’s bloodshot eyes bored into me like a laser, and I felt like a little kid being scolded for being naughty again.

“I got over her long ago. I moved on, but things got a little tight. I guess I may have been a little lonely too, so I decided to rent out my old room. It’s a big house, and it costs alot to run.” I shrugged.

“I fuckin know what it takes to cool and heat that place. I fuckin built the damn thing, remember?” He grunted, taking another shot of whiskey, and chasing it with beer.

“Yea, well. Retail sucks, and even with a bachelor’s, its all I could get for now. I didn't plan to have a girl move in. It coulda been a guy. I sure as hell wasn't expecting a damn pony, of all things.” I returned his shot with one of my own.

Holding his next shot up to the light, he feigned gazing into it’s amber depths, as if seeking enlightenment. “I sense a ‘but’ thar, son.”

“Buuut... She kinda grows on ya. At first she annoyed the piss outta me, always spazzing out and wrecking the place, but she was so cute and innocent. It felt like having a little kid sister, always underfoot.”

“Buuut?” he intoned.

“But shit got serious. Seems all the ponies turn into nymphos when they are in heat. She tried to jump me, and I wound up locking her in my room.” At the look my dad gave me, I quickly amended, “Alone! By herself! It’s not like that dad, honest!”

He just grunted, drinking the shot. I reciprocated, starting to feel the booze kick in.

“Well after that, things got weird. She started chasing after me, acting all jealous and shit. I started dating this girl at work...”

“Never a good idea, that.” He nodded sagely, motioning me to continue.

“Yeah, well. She kinda lost it, wound up splitting us up. It was for the best, since the bitch I was dating was a golddigger. But it all blew up in our faces.”

“Hah! Found out yer old man had all the money, eh? Now you see why I did that?” he chuckled darkly.

“Yea, well after things calmed down, I spent some time with a friend of hers. Turns out most ponies just live off hugs and shit, and that was all Pinkie wanted. So we are just good friends, we hug, hang out, but that's all. I’m just not that into ponies, not that she seems to care. But she keeps her hooves to herself now, and we are doing fine.” I finally wound down, taking another shot to cover the awkward silence.

“Seems to me yer just bullshitting yerself, son. Pony or not, she seems like a sweet girl, and she genuinely cares for ya. That's hard to find, and even harder to hold on to. Try not to fuck that up.” He grunted, and got up to head to the restroom, leaving me to stew.

I had some time to think, and it kept coming back to the fact that I just could not get past seeing her as a furry animal, no matter how close we got. Did that make me a bigot? Was I no better than the bastards that treated me like shit because of me skin color? It didn't feel the same. Racism was bullshit, we were all human. But what about different species? Wasn’t there some bible thumping shit about that? Not that I believed any of that religious nonsense.

My inner diatribe was interrupted by the return of my father, sliding into the booth across from me, and pouring another shot. He didn't say a word as he chased it with the last of his beer, and smiled at me with a rather creepy grin.

“So, did I ever tell you about the time I shagged a pony?” The grin grew even creepier, as I just stared in shock. “She was the cutest thing. I was drunk as fuck, of course, and chillin in a field up home. Suddenly this little mare comes over to me and starts rubbin her head on my hand, so I scratched her ears, all friendly like. Then she started sniffin my beer, and I figured I knew what she wanted. She didn’ have much of a tolerance, but she could chug a beer like a pro. She downed three before I could finish my one, and I just knew I had found a friend.”

“Wait, you gave a pony beer? Is that even healthy?” I gaped at the image of my dad and a pony girl sitting around getting drunk. It was mind boggling.

“Hell if I know, but if a girl wants a beer, you give her a beer! She was really friendly too, kept rubbin up against me an shit. Next thing I knew, she had her ass in my face, and was lookin over her shoulder at me. I figgered, why the fuck not? We were both consenting adults.” Downing another shot, he pointed a finger at my shocked expression. “Don’t gimme that look. It get’s cold at night up in them hills.” He grinned at me lecherously. “Next thing I know, I’m balls deep in pony poon, and she’s the warmest thing I ever had. I swear she was tryin to ride me, instead of the other way ‘round.” Sighing wistfully, he smiled at the memory, as I stared on in horror. “I remember waking up, warm pony still in my arms, and and she kept nibbling on my beard. I never did find out her name, or see her again.”

“Dad, that has got to be the single most fucked up thing that you have ever said to me. I honestly could have went the rest of my life never knowing, and been far happier.” I had a sudden thought, “Oh fuck, does mom know?”

Laughing uproariously, he slapped me on the back. “Of course she knows. My dumb ass got drunk and told her. She made me sleep on the couch for three days after that.”

“Wow, that’s all? Three days and she forgave you?” I was baffled. My mother’s temper could be just as hot as my dad’s, and she could be just as unforgiving.

“Of course she forgave me! It happened long before we met, after all.” He rolled his eyes, a habit I had picked up from him.

Suddenly the gears in my head ground to a halt, and a chill came over me. “Wait a moment, that has to be bullshit, dad. You and mom met before the portal to Equestria opened, so how did you fool around with a pony before then?”

“Well, fuck son. I never said it was a damn Equestrian pony.” Throwing up his arms, he leaned back as the full impact of what he had told me hit home.

Suddenly I was far too sober for this shit.

After a leisurely stumble home, having years of practice avoiding notice while intoxicated in public, we rolled through the door stinking drunk. Talks had thankfully steered away from my life, and interspecies relations, in favor of lighter topics such as what total pricks tourists were. Even up north I had my share, mostly immigrants off cruise ships, or day laborers with cash burning their pockets. Florida, however, was far worse, according to my dad. It wasn't just tourists, it was rich, pompous tourists, and the snow birds that owned half of the state. Yea. Fuck those people.

“HONEY I’M HOOOOME!” We both sang as we stumbled into the house.

Leaning against each other, we made our way into the living room where Pinkie and Mom were happily chatting. My dad collapsed onto the couch and I grabbed an arm chair. The two women in the room gave us flat stares, before returning to whatever they were doing. I gazed over, my head feeling rather heavy, and my vision just a little off center, and tried to focus on what had their attention. Sobriety never comes as fast as when adrenaline hits your brain.

“Oh fuck, where’d you find those? I thought I burned them!” I stared in shock as I realized they were pouring over a photo album.

“Aye had copies made, ya lil hellion. I knew it was you dat took dem. And now I kin show yer pretty marefriend as erry motha should!” She grinned and turned the page, as Pinkie giggled.

“He looks so cute when he’s naked, doesn't he? Good thing he grew!” Covering her mouth with a hoof, Pinkie snickered and looked at me.

“She ain't my girlfriend! And how the hell you know what I look like naked?” I tried to stand, but was still too drunk to complete the motion, falling back on my ass. “Either one of you!” I pointed in impotent rage. I looked over to my dad for support, only to find him sprawled out and snoring.

“Well ya never wore no clothes as a child, ya little jay bird. I ‘memba chasin ya round da house to put yer pants on.” My traitor of a mother grinned fiendishly, and turned the page, as she looked at me. “‘Sides, Aye know what ya pa looks like, and he’s no small ting.” This got another giggle from the pony.

“MOM! Stop it. She’s bad enough already. Prolly stalks me in the shower and watches me sleep and stuff.” I glared at them both and crossed my arms, looking every bit the petulant child.

“Oh I only once saw you in the shower, and I only watch you sleep when you go to bed early.” Pinkie piped in. “You are just so darn cute when you sleep, but I gotta get up early for work too, you know!”

“Oh yea, that's not creepy at all.” I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

“Is not so creepy iffin ya make an honest mare outta her. Why don’t ya quit lyin ta yerself and settle down now?” And there goes the Vulcan Eyebrow. Everyone wonders where I get it from, and there it is.

“Seriously? You too mom?” I sigh and let my head flop back on the chair. “I am not attracted to ponies. I only date girls. Human girls. Pinkie is just a good friend.” I intoned mechanically. “Why does everyone have such a problem dealing with this? Even Pinkie finally gets it, right Pinks?”

I look up for a confirmation, and find I am once again being ignored, as the two women giggle over the cuteness of my childhood. “Ooh, he was so adorable in that costume! We should totally dress up together for Nightmare Night!” Pinkie continued to enjoy my most embarrassing moments, as my mother just smiled knowingly. I have to admit, they looked like old friends, and was not surprised they got along so well. My mother long hid a wild streak, which my father had finally unleashed upon the world. I dreaded what kind of parties they would plan together.

“Bah, screw this. I’m goin to bed. When you two cougars are done giggling at my pre-pubescent manhood, don’t forget to post them all over Stalkerbook!” I grumbled as I made my way to my room.

As I was walking away, I heard something that made me pause, “Should I tell em that I posted these months ago?” The response to my mother’s query was a high pitched giggle followed by a snort.

Oh god, I hope she was kidding...

Waking up to the mother of all hangovers was normally the universe telling me kicked ass last night. Waking up to my mother’s cooking, with the mother of all hangovers, was just plain cruel. Not that her food was bad, quite the opposite. But how hungry are you when your stomach is doing backflips and your head is building a three lane highway between your ears? It was torture to smell such wonderful food and have it make you feel ill.

Thankfully my mother was married to my dad, and had learned a few things about dealing with hangovers. Being a voodoo priestess probably helped as well. You can imagine how well my father’s family accepted that, but it made for some awesome home remedies.

“Boy, you look like the coyote after the road runner got done buttfuckin him with a two by four.” My dad, colorful as always, greeted me first.

“Yea, well you look like the shit he took afterwards.” I replied. My parents never told me not to curse, but they did teach me there was a time and a place for it. When I was old enough, my dad even taught me how to do it properly.

This didn't stop the two women in the room from sharing a look of long sufferance. “Child, you should know betta den to try an drink yer pa unda da table. He already got age and stupidity on his side.”

“Yea, and you already told me he has a hollow leg to keep his booze in. Although what a human would need with three legs, I dunno. Although with four legs, he could be like a proper pony!” Prattling on, Pinkie was already making my headache worse.“ Although there was the time Applejack mentioned her brother having a fifth leg, but she got kinda mad when I asked if I could see it.” And there went my coffee, down the wrong hole.

As I coughed, my mother took the coffee mug from my hands and handed me one of her remedies, and patted me on the back. My dad was laughing, and Pinkie just looked confused. “Did I say something funny?”

I just shook my head and drank the noxious brew. In moments my head began to clear, and my mother handed me the coffee back. It was followed by her famous Jamaican eggs and ham, which I thanked her for, and tore into with a vengeance.

“So what you guys got planned while yer here?” I managed to mumble between bites.

“Oh, just checking up on a few things, like our son, who hasn't visited us in two years. Also, we were looking into a trip to Equestria, and wanted to get the paperwork out of the way.” My dad leaned back in his chair, toothpick working the last of the ham from his teeth.

“I don't get it dad. I mean, I’m all happy that you don't mind Pinkie staying, but I never thought you would be so laid back about the ponies.” I shrugged, and got a nod from my mother. “Despite marrying mom, you are still a bit of a bigoted redneck, no offense. Hell, all you did was bitch about the Mexicans when I visited you in Boca, when you weren’t bitching about the tourists, that is.”

“Yea, well... It did seem a bit odd at first, having talkin animals and such, but no different than the cartoons you used to watch. But then yer ma started talkin online to some voodoo pony, and they became friends. Next thing I know, I got some rhymin zebra chick visiting us, and they become best friends.” He waved toward my mother, who threw a dish towel at him.

“Is called Obeah, ya ignorant hillbilly. Is the old way of me ancestors, not voodoo. Zecora is a great shaman of her people, and her ways are like the ones lost since the white man beat them out of us.” My mother crossed her arms in anger at the old argument.

“Call it what you want, love. It’s all tribal voodoo to me. Even yer folks didn't like it none. I remember that was one of the reasons ya wanted to leave so badly.” I covered my face with my hands, having heard this argument many times. “I gotta admit though, the zebra chick makes all that hocus pocus sounds sexy the way she rhymes it.” I looked up, realizing he was talking to me. “I even tried to talk her into a threesome. Lemme tell you what, getting bitchslapped with a hoof hurts like the dickens.” Cackling with laughter, he clapped the table.

“Ooh, so you know Zecora? Me and her are friends from back in Ponyville!” Pinkie jumped on her chair, smiling at my mother.

“Ya, she has been teaching me her people’s medicines and tribal ways. Like my stump of a ‘usband said, my ma and pa never liked the old ways. My Gran was a high priestess, and took me under her wing to teach me. It made my parents furious!” Beaming with pride, she patted the hyper pink pony on the head.

“Oh, oh! Your granny had wings too? My Granny Pie was a pegasus, and boy was it a surprise! In fact, that’s what they named her, Surprise Pie. She was the first Pegasus to be born in the Pie family in like, FOREVER!” Pinkie babbled on, getting more and more animated. “She was alot like me, always happy, and funny, and party, and loved to pull pranks!” Grinning eagerly, she barreled on, caught up in her own tale. “The town I grew up in didn't like that, and they made her live away from everypony. Some even called her a witch, or said she was a changeling! She was the nicest pony I ever knew, and when everypony found out I was like her, they made me go live with her. She taught me everything about everything, even how to have fun and party!” A sad smile brought her fevered ranting to a close. “I really miss my Granny Pie.”

Sensing an opening, my mother leaned down to hug the suddenly somber mare. “Is alright child, she will always be in yer heart.”

“Actually, she’s in Flyami. There’s a pegasus retirement community down there, and she got the job as the event organizer.” Perking up, she grinned at us.

“That's good to hear, child. But to answer your question, no, my Gran did’na have wings. She was an angel, nonetheless, and taught me a great many things about my people and the world around us. And I am learning even more from my Zebra friend.”

“That reminds me, what the hell do ponies worship anyway?” My dad decided to chime in. “Zecora is always goin on bout ancestors and shit, but the other ponies I’ve met never talk about anyone but their princess.”

“Oh, most ponies are what you call agnostic, although there are still some sun and moon worshipers in the old families. The princesses don't like it though and discourage it.” she shrugged. “My family is one of the really old ones, Maneonites, going way back before the princesses, and worship the old stuff. They are all real strict about working hard, suffering alot, and praying. Smiling and having fun are frowned upon, and let me tell you, they do alotta frowning!” Her voice grew very somber as she went on. “That was one of the reasons I had to leave. I didn't believe in all that ‘Suffer for your eternal reward’ stuff. My Granny Pie taught me that life is precious, and we need to celebrate every moment of it!” Her bright smile returned, and she looked up, beaming at is. “I’d much rather make my friends happy, and enjoy life now, than worry about some silly afterlife.”

That brought smiles to everyone’s faces, as my dad brought his coffee mug up for a toast. “To family and friendship, may they never interfere with one another.” We all cheerfully joined in.

“That was surprisingly deep for you, dad.” I grinned at him.

“Well, as I always say, ‘Kin before Clan, and friends above all!’”

“You never said that before.” I looked at him flatly.

“Sure I did, I say it all the time. Right honey?” He turned to my mom with a fake smile.

“I don’t even know you. What you doin in my kitchen?” Raising a frying pan, she pretended to brandish it at him. My dad just rolled his eyes as we all laughed.

So it was decided that the women would spend the day shopping, as women will do, regardless of species. Meanwhile my dad was off to see some old friends and check up on some old business interests. I was left to my own devices, and decided to go see a movie. There was a new trend in Hollywood to remake old classic movies with ponies, both for the earth market and Equestria. One in particular was getting rave reviews, so I got to laugh at Ghostbusters from a pony point of view. It was just as good as the original.

We had all agreed to meet up later that night for dinner, with my parents footing the bill at one of the more expensive places that I could rarely afford. My dad insisted that no matter where you were in life, you had to enjoy the good things. But hell, if he was paying, who was I to argue? So off to Blue Oyster I went. Gotta love them cheddar biscuits!

Arriving promptly at eight o’clock, I saw no sign of my dad at the bar, where he would usually gravitate towards. My mom and Pinkie were also curiously absent, which was my second red flag. My dad was never late for a meal, and my mother rarely let him make an ass of himself in public without being there to rein him in. However, the maitre d’ was happy to see me, and said the reservations were in order. He assured me that my parents had phoned ahead and would be late, so I let myself be shown to a table.

“Hiya Louis!” I heard a familiar bubbly voice from behind me, and turned around with a happy smile to see Pinkie.

The smile froze on my face at what greeted me. Gone was the frizzy, unkempt hair, and mostly naked furry coat, replaced with a form fitting red dress that looked like something Jessica Rabbit would wear to the Chinese New Year celebration. Her hair was straightened and braided into an impossibly long plait that hung off one shoulder, sort of like Princess Leia, and her face was only subtly made up, with a touch of lipstick and some eye shadow. She even appeared to have her hooves painted a deep red to match the dress. The entire effect was so unlike the normal poofy, pink furball that I was familiar with that I couldn't help but stare.

Finally my jawless stare began to take effect, and the normally unabashed mare began to blush. “Umm, do you like it?” Rubbing one hoof along the other leg, she shifted shyly under my gaze.

“Awha?” Finding my voice, I shook my head to clear the shock and blinked. “Wow Pinkie, you look amazing!”

“Aww, thanks Louis! You mom found this really nice salon that caters to ponies, and we both got full makeovers! Then we went shopping and she helped me pick out this nice outfit. It’s a little more snug than I’m used to, but it makes me feel super duper sexy!” Giving a little twirl, she turned and showed the rest of the outfit off.

I saw that her tail was also plaited, with gold and black ribbons woven in, and small flowers peeking between the plaits. Thankfully, I also noticed the dress came down over her rump, and almost past her knees, ensuring complete modesty. Yet another rare sight for the exuberant pony.

“Seriously Pinkie, you look absolutely amazing. Like one of those classic movie star actresses.” I grinned at her, and the smile was returned.

“I’m ready for my close up, Mister Hayville!” Giggling, Pinkie fluttered her eyelashes, which also seemed to have gotten some attention, before she made her way to the seat across from me. Fortunately the staff had fitted it with a bench to be more comfortable for pony guests.

“Really Pinkie, you should dress up more, it looks good on you. You’re not the goofy little sister when you look like that. Now you are hot-to-trot.” I winked and clicked my tongue at her, getting another blush.

“Uhh, yea... Thanks, but I think that means something different back home than it does here.” Suddenly she looked away, before taking a sip of her water.

“Oh? OH! Sorry, I didn’t know.” Now it was my turn to blush, as I guessed the implied meaning.

Again, the giggle and the smile. “It’s fine, but you may not wanna say that about any other mares, unless you are ready for the consequences.” She waggled her eyebrows at me and we both shared a laugh.

“Duly noted, thanks for the advice.” And then the conversation lulled, before the maitre d’ came over and bowed. I mean really, he bowed, like we were royalty. I suddenly got the feeling that my dad may have secretly bought the place, and put the fear of Daryl into them. It wouldn't be the first time.

“Sir, and Mad’am. I regret to inform you that Mister and Mrs. Morgan have called, and wanted you to know that they would not be able to make it tonight. Mister Morgan assures that everything will be paid for, and to enjoy your night out.” Looking as if he was delivering a funeral sermon, the twitchy little man bowed again and awaited our reply. All I could do was facepalm, before waving him away.

“What’s wrong Louis? Are your parents gonna be okay?” Worried, Pinkie reached across to put a hoof on my hand.

I just laughed. Slowly at first, but building into a full on gut laugh, while Pinkie nervously smiled at me.

“GOD DAMMIT!” I ended my revelry with an angry outburst that drew the stares of several patrons, and prompted one little child to start repeating my words, much to the horror of his parents.

“Louis, you are making me worried, and ponies... err, people are staring!” Whispering loudly, Pinkie looked nervously around, a fake smile plastered on her face as she looked at the angry patrons. With no further outbursts coming from me, they went about their business, while I held my face in both hands.

“Louis, you’re scaring me! What’s wrong?” Real panic colored her words, and the party pony came around to my side of the table in an attempt to hug me.

I shook her off, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine, Pinkie. I’m fine.” Another steadying breath, and the upset mare returned to her seat. “It’s just, I should have seen this coming. It’s my Junior Prom all over again.”

“Your whatnow?” Confused, but calm again, Pinkie began to munch on some biscuits, while she awaited my revelation. Part of my mind was wondering why nobody had some to take our orders yet, but another part knew exactly why.

“This was all a setup, Pinkie. Just be glad I know you well enough to know you had nothing to do with it.” Another sigh, and I looked across the table to my “date”, and then through her, to a distant memory.

“My parents have always been meddlers. They live this perfect little fairy-tale marriage, where the brave knight rescued the beautiful, but forbidden princess, and now they live rich and happily ever after.” I punctuated my statement by biting a biscuit in half. Damn, these were some awesome biscuits! “Bub dew...” I finished chewing, and swallowed, “But they are not able to live their life without trying to “Fix” mine. Every now and then, they pop up and try to fix me up with someone, insisting that I find my true love and settle down like they did.” Shaking my head I looked at the now subdued pony across from me. “I’m sorry they dragged you into this, but they only mean well. I just wish they would leave my love life alone.”

“And your Junior Prom?” he prompted.

“Oh, yea that. Some popular chick I was totally gaga for, but who would never give me the time of day. They paid her parents to talk her into going out with me. I was too young and stupid to realize what was going on, until she blew it and let me know.” Another biscuit, and this time I remembered to swallow. “She wound up liking me after all, but wanted to be honest, and told me how she was bribed into dating me. I was heartbroken, and flipped out. Called her a whore, and swore to tell the rest of the school. It ended in tears for everyone.” I sighed and took a drink from my water. “But hey, I hear she made it through college, became a doctor, and now is married to some television star.” I shrugged.

“I’m sorry Louis. I never would have hurt you like that. You know I really do like you, and don’t ever have to fake it.” She really did sound upset, and that made me feel worse.

“No, no. None of that! This is all my parents’ fault. So, we are gonna have a good time on my dad’s dime, and enjoy our date!” I grinned and picked up a menu.

“So this really is a date?” The hope in her voice nearly broke my heart.

“Why the hell not? You are currently my best friend, you are definitely the hottest looking chick in this room,” This prompted a few boyfriends and husbands around us to get smacked as they nodded in agreement. “and I’ll be damned if I am gonna let my parents’ meddling ruin our night out.”

Smiling, Pinkie began to blush furiously. “Thanks Louis. I really do love you.”

Grinning in response, I grabbed her goof. “I love you too, Pinkie. I just don’t wanna fuck you, okay?” This prompted several plates to suddenly hit the ground, as well as gasps from patrons that were too nosy to MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS! I swear I even heard a needle scratch across a record again, despite the fact that there wasn't even any music playing.

Nearby, the earlier parents were further mortified as their little hellspawn started to repeat the word “Fuck” over and over again. As if scripted, our server finally made an appearance, and we proceeded to order the most expensive items on the menu. The conversation was light and bubbly, and we shared plenty of jokes as we enjoyed our feast. It was just two good friends enjoying a night out, with no strings attached.

Right?

Later that night we arrived home together, a few pounds heavier, and more than a few drinks drunker. Drunkerer? Drunken? Fuckit... As we swaggered up the walkway to the house, Pinkie kept bumping into me, and we both were giggling like idiots. I happened to spot one of the curtains serendipitously swinging closed as we approached the door, and I leered at my friend, getting a wink in return.

“I really had a good time, Pinkie. We really should do this kinda shit more often.” Crouching down, I looked her in the eye, nearly falling on my ass in the process.

“Yea Louis, we really should! I mean it’s not as much fun as a party with all of our friends, but hanging with you is it’s own special kinda fun.” Beaming back, she swayed into me again, almost knocking me over again.

“Yes indeed, buddy. You really are a party pony, ya know that? Commere!” I grabbed her into a hug, and planted a kiss on her forehead, getting a giggle and a blush in return.

“Stop teasing!” With a tug, the surprisingly strong mare pulled me back to my feet, and we continued to the door.

Once inside, we quickly put on our game faces, and wandered into the living room, where my parents were suddenly very interested in the random magazines they had found. I almost laughed when I saw that my dad had not only grabbed a softcore porn magazine, featuring stallions, but that it was upside down. I made a mental note to talk to Pinkie about leaving those things out, again. My mother, at least, had the sense to grab a copy of International Photographic to hide behind.

“Hey, Kiddo! Sorry we couldn’t make it to dinner tonight, but, uhh, something came up. I had to, umm, take a shit. Ya know, had the runs and all. Sorry!” My dad would have sustained permanent brain injury from the look my mother was giving him right now, if he hadn't built up a tolerance over the years.

“Classy, dad. Real fuckin classy. And you suck at lying.” I rolled my eyes. “You should know by now to leave the talking to mom.”

“Yes, do be a dear and shut up while the smart people are talking, okay honey?” My mother looked ready to slap a bitch. Well, I knew where my brains came from in this family. This just got a grumble from my dad.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out in a slow sigh as I ran my hand over my hair. “Mom, Dad?”

“Ahem, let me, Louis?” Pinkie interrupted me with a hoof, and I stepped back, puzzled. The look in her eye, however, brooked no argument. I got the feeling that my mother was already rubbing off on her. I knew that look, and someone was in serious trouble.

Suddenly, the room was brighter as Pinkie stepped forward and put on her most stunning smile. I saw my parents visibly relax at the display of extreme goodwill, and instinctively took a step back. I had spent my entire life learning to read people, a skill that paid off in my current career in retail, and all my instincts and training told me that a bomb was about to go off, and I was standing at ground zero. This was gonna be so cool.

“Mister and Mrs Morgan, I just want to thank you both so, so incredibly much for what you have done. You both have taken me in like part of your family, and helped me so much in making me feel super duper welcome. Mister Morgan, you made me laugh like I haven't in a long time, and I will always treasure that. Laughter and smiles is my special talent, after all.” My dad beamed, looking for all his years and wisdom like a little kid getting praised by his mother. Pinkie let her smile linger a moment longer before turning to my mother, who was smart enough to narrow her eyes a moment with suspicion, before being drawn into the glowing smile of the pink pony of happiness.

“Missus Morgan, I cannot ever thank you enough for what you did. You treated me like a daughter, helped me know Louis better, and made me feel more welcome than I have since coming to earth.” My mother’s skepticism melted under the glowing praise of my roommate, and I took another step pack. “You took me out, helped me to feel more beautiful than I have felt in years, and shared your years of wisdom and expertise with a lowly novice like myself.” Oh shit, she just mentioned age. To another woman. Shit just got real, and yet my mother was completely blinded. “I cannot understate how much this dress, and everything you have done today makes me feel special.”

I shit you not, I was about to look around for a DJ for the beat that was about to drop. Did I say beat? I meant beating.

“However...” And there it is. The total lack of expression, the deadpan voice, and for a pony, the complete flattening of body language. I almost ducked out of the room. I wasn't even a pony, and I could read just how pissed off Pinkie Pie was. Damn, where was the popcorn when you needed it?

“You two should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.” And there it was completely deadpan, with only a hint of righteous fury. “To think that I admired, no, worshiped you both for how well you raised your son. A perfect gentleman, always completely honest, no matter how much it hurts him. And yet you both stoop so low as to meddle in our lives.”

The response was immediate. My dad looked totally confused, having gone from praised to villainized. My mother thought about fighting back, but then had the sense to at least look ashamed.

“And do you two think so little of me as to think I even need your help to win Louis over?” Wait, what?

“He may not feel the same about me yet as I feel about him, but I do not need any help winning his heart. I love him, and it will be me alone that makes him love me the same way. I will befriend him, I will court him, and I will woo him in my own way, in my own time.” Now her tone grew downright icy. I started to grow more than a little worried as her personality seemed to shift so far from the norm that she became an entirely different person from the happy pony I knew. If it wasn't in braids, I was certain that her hair would once again be razor straight.

And through all of this, my parents were speechless. The mighty and powerful Daryl Morgan was in shock, and my mother looked thoroughly ashamed. I didn't even recognize them as my parents, nor Pinkie as the bubbly pony I lived with. I felt suddenly in need of a happy place to retreat to.

And like a switch being thrown, it was over.

“Now, lets all agree that we learned a valuable lesson tonight, and go back to being the bestest of friends!” The smile that once again graced Pinkie’s face was like the coming dawn after a long, horrifying night. My parents looked downright traumatized, and even I wanted to hug something for warmth.

“Umm, thanks Pinkie...” I nodded, and raised my eyebrows at my very much subdued parents.

“Uhh, yea. Sorry about all that there, Pinkie Pie. It won’t happen again, I promise.” I haven't ever seen my dad that shaken, even after grandma died.

My mom, much quicker to recover, scowled at him. “Ah told ya it wouldn't work, ya big dummy!” looking back at Pinkie, she kneeled down for a hug, and got one eagerly from the pink mare. “We so sorry, Pinkie love. Can ya forgive some old fools for wanting their child to be happy?”

“All is forgiven!” With another grin, Pinkie leaped into the hug.

“Damn boy, you better get some gloves to hold onto them reins. She’s got some fight in her!” My dad slapped me on the back, and I swear I had to say a little prayer to something to keep from punching him.

“Ah tink we were wrong to meddle, but we still chose right for our little boy.” My mother beamed as only a proud mother could.

“Gee. Thanks. Glad everyone gives a shit about my opinion on the matter.” I deadpanned, crossing my arms with a flat expression.

“Now don’t be like that, son. We only wanna see you happy, and we just feel that this little filly would be the best one to help with that.” All I could do was roll my eyes.

“I swear, this shit all feels like a crappy sitcom episode.” For some reason, Pinkie gave me the strangest look when I said that. “I don’t wanna know!” Throwing my hands up, I stalked out of the room to the sound of laughter. For some reason, it sounded like more than three people were laughing, too.

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HTXvZtxp4AaREUUQcP2wIHM41VCe8Ck5K1T0nCz7qPs/edit#

I feel the need to apologize, both for how long this took to write, and the fact that it probably needs some serious edits. All of mine have once again vanished into the nether, and I did my best. This was actually a rather difficult chapter to write, mainly because the story idea was one that I just randomly pull outta my ass for the vote. Of course everyone would vote on the idea I had no clue how to write.. bleh. Also, work, life and the random attack of inspiration from my muse to write a different story slowed me down. Trust me, you don't wanna piss her off.

Thanks to all the fans that waited patiently!

And yes, the Chinese New Year Pinkie Pie toy is where I got the idea for the dress.

Masque of the Pink Death

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As I turned to face the mirror in my room, every fiber of my being screamed the same message: “Aww fuck no!”

“Fuck no, I am not going out like this.” I sighed, shaking my head.

“Awww, come on, Louis! Rarity put alot of time into these outfits! You can at least let me see what you look like.” Pinkie whined from the other side of my door as I fidgeted in my costume.

“Seriously, Pinkie, this is just insulting to wear. If I hadn't promised to at least try it on, I wouldn't even be wearing it right now.” I tried my best to keep my voice calm as I contemplated what fines I would be forced to pay if I burned the outfit.

“Oh stop being such a baby! I put mine on, so lemme see yours!” Despite her valid argument, I still wanted to punch whoever designed my costume.

As I peered into the reflective surface of my door length mirror, I could feel the shame of my ancestors mocking me. Never mind that my black heritage never really had to deal with the American civil rights bullshit, this was just wrong. Before me stood one of the most racist icons of American culture. I looked like a fucking Lawn Jockey.

“Aww come on, Louis! We are gonna be late, and I really wanted to get some trick or treating done before the party!” Her obnoxious whine set my teeth on edge as I thought of the most probable scenario to get me out of this.

“First off, I am quite sure both of us are far too old to be Trick-or-Treating . Second, I said we were going to a party. I never said we were going in costume. It’s optional, and I am really not looking forward to kicking someone’s ass when they gimme shit about this outfit.” Flexing a bit, I had to admit the outfit was far more comfortable than most of what I owned, but the shame of wearing it ruined everything. Why couldn’t she make me a nice pimp suit? At least there was a cultural stereotype I could be proud of. And if anyone said shit, I could say I was in character when I pimp-slapped the shit outta them. Hmm, I wonder if I could get Pinkie to dress as a prostitute? She already had the fishnets...

Fuck, no! Bad Heads ! Both of you need a time out.

I almost missed the vehement response in my musings. “Too old for free candy? NEVER!”

I chuckled, and decided to at least let Pinkie see how ridiculous I looked. Slowly opening the door, I saw her still glaring in my direction. Who knew she was so serious about candy? Okay, anyone that knows Pinkie for more than five minutes knows-- but fuck you, it’s still funny.

I stopped and stared, and she did the same. I’m quite sure both of us were trying not to laugh at the other. While I was wearing the striped shirt and shorts of a jockey, Pinkie Pie was dressed in an overly ornamental saddle and ridling tack. What’s worse, the number on her flank was 69, a fact that almost made me burst out laughing all on it’s own.

“Oh wow, Louis, is that really the traditional outfit for a racing jockey? It kinda looks uncomfortable.” She blushed a bit at my obvious embarrassment.

“I don’t know shit about traditional, but being comfortable is the only thing this had going for it. If your friend would take the time to do a damn Goofle search, she would know how racist this damn thing looks on a black man.” I crossed my arms, and tried my best to glare at my roommate, and ignore the fact that she herself looked like she belonged on a merry-go-round.

“But you aren’t black. You are actually kinda brown.” She gave me a puzzled look. “In fact, I remember Rarity telling me she wouldn’t mind you putting some of your coffee into her crmmpph!” I quickly grabbed her muzzle, stopping her from saying something I would regret.

“Seriously? Just no. In fact, make that a hell no.” Shaking my head, I let go of her mouth. “I only met her the one time, and got the distinct impression that the two of us would definitely be going to different parties.”

“But she’s gonna be at tonight’s party.” Suddenly she stopped, and I could almost see the gears turning in her head. “OH! I get it, she meant... Well horseapples. That isn’t gonna happen.” And what followed was a face so serious, that I actually took a step back. I mean it, when Pinkie gets serious it’s scary.

“Well then, I’m glad we agree on something.” I answered drolly. “So, about these outfits...?”

“Oh there’s no time! Let’s just try to have fun, it can't be that bad.” And like a switch, the happy Pinkie was back.

“The things I do for my friends.” Sighing, I picked up the itinerary I had made from the table. “Okay, we need to stick to the schedule. That means we do one lap around the block for candy, unless we get arrested as pedos. After that we hit the kid’s party you managed to talk me into.”

“But they’re orphans! They need a Pinkie Party to cheer them up.” Pinkie gave me sad puppy dog eyes, and I just rolled my own in response.

“Whatever. At 9PM sharp we need to get our asses to the real party. I’m told a few of your friends will be there. I plan to promptly get drunk, and pray I don't have to beat anyone’s ass because of this clown suit.” Sighing in resignation, I tucked the list in my pocket. “You ready then?”

“Oh, hold on, I need to put the rest of my costume on.” She pulled on an equine racing mask, which was the same light blue as the balloon on her butt, and matched the saddle and hoof sock things she was wearing. I chuckled, since it made her look like the world’s most ridiculous colorblind bank robber.

“Can you help me with the bit? I’ve never worn one before, and I’m still having trouble.” She handed me the metal bar, which seemed to snap into the leather straps she was wearing on her face. I couldn't help but notice that on a Equestrian pony, The whole outfit kind of looked like bondage gear, especially with it being made from leather.

“Do you really want to wear this thing? It’s meant to help control the mount, and it’s not like you need to be controlled--” I paused as a thought struck me, “Actually, maybe you do need it after all.” I grinned, imagining how hard it would be for her to talk.

“No silly, it’s just for show. Rarity took it back to Equestria and enchanted it for me.” Opening her mouth, she waited for me to slide the device into place.

“Wait, ‘Rarity’s Magic Bit’? Where have I heard that before?” I pondered, before the memory surfaced. One of the more off-color stories that Don had sent me to read. The synopsis alone made me immediately close the window, and want to burn my browsing history. And then he sent me the fan art. “This better not do what I think it does, or you are going on your own.”

“Oh stop being a silly head. Just stick it in!” She giggled, then opened her mouth again, closing her eyes.

“That’s what she said.” I muttered, as I slid the bar into place, over her tongue, and behind her rear molars. It fit perfectly like a piece of orthodontic equipment. I stepped back, and waited to see a reaction, but nothing happened.

“See! She made it so I can talk normally with it in. Yay!” Bouncing around the room, she stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at me.

Finally ready, we headed out into the night.

The first few houses were not too bad. Most of them knew us, and were rather friendly. She seemed to be on a first name basis with everyone we met, despite the fact that I grew up here and didn't know hardly any of them. As we moved farther away, the stares and comments grew more uncomfortable.

“Oh my, your daughter is just darling! She looks like one of them real ponies. Where did you get such a nice costume?” I just glared at the woman asking with my best ‘Angry Black Man’ stare.

“Oh I am a real pony! This is my racing costume. Vroom vroom!” Pinkie piped up, getting a smile and a pat on the head. I just kept my mouth shut.

“It’s so nice to see young couples getting out and enjoying the holidays!” Another old man smiled at us, winking in what he thought was a knowing manner. Pinkie just gave me a hug, while I pretended I was having my picture taken.

Then there were the children. So many of them wanted to take rides on the race pony, and Pinkie was more than happy to oblige them. At one point we had a small crowd of kids lining up to take turns, as the pink mare zipped along the sidewalk. The fun finally came to an end when one particularly creepy Troglodyte of a man asked if he could ‘Ride the Pony’ with a rather disturbing grin.

“Sorry, rides are over. Time to go Pinkie!” I tugged on her reins, and started to walk away getting groans from the remaining children, and a pout from Pinkie herself.

“Oh, come on, Louis! I’m having fun. I just wanna give a few more rides.” Whining, the pink mare shuffled her feet behind me, but obediently followed.

“Trust me, Pinkie. There are some rides you would probably not be interested in.” As we walked away, I looked over my shoulder to see the creeper waving to us. I was willing to bet good money I would find him on a sex offender hotlist somewhere.

“Aww, we didn't even get much candy. I used to get way more back in Ponyville!” Still pouting, we approached our house, which seemed to have a line of kids standing outside, despite having left the light off.

“Well, if you would have done more house hopping, and less “Kid Hopping” you may have gotten more. Besides, I can buy you way more candy tomorrow when all the stores put it on clearance.” I sighed, stopping at my gate to look at the kids in my yard. “Now lets find out what these kids want.”

“Pinkie Pie!” The cheer went up, and all the kids came running over to surround the pink pony. I jumped back to keep from getting bowled over by the Munchkin brigade as they swarmed my friend.

“Heya kids! Hi Tommy! Jenny, Latona, Jack, Mack, Joey, Sue, Walter...” She went down the list of names, getting a smile from each and every kid as she recognized them all. How she managed to remember so many names was beyond me. “Hey Louis, these are all the kids I’ve thrown parties for! They must have all come to see me and attend the party I had planned.” This got a cheer from the swarm of tykes, and I shook my head. I noticed that there were parents also holding back, smiling at the scene.

“Oookay. So I guess we are all gonna go to the party? Let’s get going, shall we?” A cheer went up, and everyone ran to their vehicles. I was sure glad this was a charity event, because I sure as hell didn't wanna foot the bill for this many kids.

A quick drive later, we were at the orphanage, and the look on the Headmistress’ face was priceless. She was expecting Pinkie and I not a small army of other kids. It all turned out well in the end, as the orphans had many more children to play with, and what was going to be a pathetic little gathering turned into a real party-- Well, a kid’s party, at least. And there was even plenty of catering. All it took was a call to my dad and the words ‘Tax Deductible’ to have him send me a blank check for the party.

And as for Pinkie, I can't remember the last time I saw her so happy. The kids lined up for rides around the small gym they had, and I actually had to threaten to hose her off if she didn't stop to catch her breath after thirty or so laps. The parents were mingling, and talking to the staff, and it even looked as though a few of them were thinking of adding to their own menagerie without all that nasty pregnancy stuff.

Pinkie even managed to drag me out onto the floor for a few rounds of kiddie songs, including “The Monster Mash”. I gotta say, I really enjoyed myself, even after I was talked into being a second “pony” when Pinkie finally stopped to rest. There were even a few single MILFs who were giving me the eye after they saw how good I was with kids. I may have gotten a few phone numbers when nopony else was looking. I mean, it’s not like I Hate kids, they just annoy the hell outta me. I prefer to be that fun uncle, so I can spoil them and send them home. No snotty noses and messy diapers for this cat.

Finally the Headmistress managed to corner me and coerce a promise to bring Pinkie by more often, and the party started to wind to a close. More than a few friendships were made, and heartfelt farewells were exchanged as the parents dragged their worn out charges off for home. I finally had to grab Pinkie by the reins and drag her away from the kids to make my own escape.

“Oh thank you so much Louis! That was the most fun I’ve had in forever!” Pinkie gushed, and planted a messy kiss on my cheek as we got into the car. The bit may have let her talk normally, but it caused her to drool a little.

“Yeah, yeah. It was fun, Pinkie.” I wiped my face off on my sleeve, and rolled my eyes. “But now we need to buckle up and get our asses to the real party!”

“Whoohoo! PAR-TAY!” Pinkie cheered and buckled herself into the seat, and off we went.

As we arrived at the scene of the party, I took a moment to take it in. For some reason, whoever had planned the party had booked the nearby high school gymnasium, and decorated the outside like a giant graveyard. It was pretty snazzy; with fog machines, ambient creepy noises, and blood everywhere. It was definitely one of the better haunted house setups I had seen.

“Wow, a high school? Wait, what’s so scary about a high school, Louis?” Pinkie asked.

“I dunno about you, but it was the scariest four years of my life.” I shrugged as we wandered through the entrance. A big creepy guy that looked like my old gym teacher took our tickets and gave us both armbands as we entered. “I was hated by the teachers because I was black, and smarter than them. I was hated by the popular kids because I was smarter and richer than them. The jocks hated that I was smarter and better looking, the smart kids hated that I was better looking and had money. Let’s just say, I wasn't very popular. Everyone had a reason to resent me.” I shrugged and peered around, seeing that the entrance actually led to a haunted house setup inside, which we had to navigate to get to the party.

“I don’t get it, you are a great guy! Yes, you are good looking, and smart, and funny, and even Rarity would admit you are a good dresser. Why would anypony hate you for that?” Pinkie stopped and scratched her head, and I had to chuckle as she took the opportunity to check out my ass.

“Yes, well you gotta understand something about humans, especially teenagers. They are very insecure, and anyone that they think is better than them is seen as a threat. They will band together to repel that threat.” I threw my hands up and shrugged, “I was just too awesome for them to handle, so they treated me like shit. I was so glad to get the hell out and get to college. At least then only the stupid kids hated me.” Grinning I ruffled her hair, and got another puzzled look, which turned into a grin as she nuzzled my hand.

“Lets get through this rat maze and find the real party. All this high school bullshit can wait for my next therapy session.” I turned and started walking into the labyrinth, hearing the clop of hooves catch up to me.

“Hah! You sound like Rainbow Dash now.” She piped up, bumping her hips into mine.

“”Hey, no need to be modest if you really are awesome. Rainbow Girl at least has that right.” I winked at my friend, getting a giggle.

As we made our way through the hallways of the school, we were herded through rooms that had been set up to resemble scenes from popular horror movies. There was the Hacksaw Massacre, with Pleatherface, standing over a cowering victim on one room, and then I ran into Shawn Krueger, wearing a spiked racing glove on one hand, and his trademark Flyrtle shirt. They even had some pony stuff, and I had to almost drag Pinkie away from a big ass black horse wearing silver armor that almost made her piss herself. My favorite was the display that showed Henry Gates hacking a computer, while some poor shit stared in horror at his empty bank account. Gotta love nerd humor. needless to say, Pinkie missed the joke.

Finally, we reached the end of the show, which I have to admit, was well done; The school’s art department deserved an award for the displays. We exited the final room, and saw the doors to the gymnasium before us, decked out like the old greek gates of Hades, complete with the “Abandon all hope…” sign over the doors.

“Oh no! I’m too young and cute to go to Tartarus!” Pinkie gasped, and grabbed me. I wasn't even sure if she was faking as she clung to my leg with a death grip.

“Relax, Pinkie. Me and Charon are old drinking buddies.” In fact, as we approached, I saw none other than Joe himself pull back his deep hood and wink at me, as he held out a blacklight scanner.

“Heya Louie! Got yourself a date tonight? She’s a real cutie, if yer into that kinda thing.” He straightened and waggled his eyebrows at my friend.

“She’s just my friend, and roommate, Joey. You can molest all the farm animals you want, but I’m still hooked on boobs.” This got a glare from Pinkie, which I ignored, and a dark chuckle from Joe as he waved us through the “Gates of Hell”
“Whatever you say, Boy-o. Welcome to Hell, where sin is in, and naughty is the norm. Enjoy yourselves!” A bad excuse for an evil laugh was ruined by a nasty smoker’s cough, and I just patted him on the back as we walked through the portal.

I took two steps into the room, and stopped as chills ran down my spine. I felt Pinkie bump into me, before she stepped around and looked at the decorations with a confused expression.

“What’s wrong, Louis? It isn't very scary, I admit, but there isn't anything wrong, is there?” She seemed a bit confused, but her querulous voice broke me out of my shock.

“Oh, this is just fucking evil. Whoever set this shit up is going to burn in hell surrounded by titties he can never touch.” I whispered, looking around me in horror.

“What? What’s so bad about it? I mean, for a scary holiday, it is kinda bright, but it doesn't seem very evil.” Pinkie pawed at one of the nearby tables, decorated in a bright silver and blue motif. In fact the entire room was done to resemble a fantastical undersea kingdom.

“It’s horrible. It’s sadistic. It’s just plain evil.” I shuddered as I took in the decorations. This was not your traditional Halloween party.

“What is it Louis? What’s so bad about it?” I pitied the poor pony in her ignorance, and at the same time, I envied her.

“It’s Prom Night.” And all the memories of rejection, ridicule and alienation came flooding back. This was just plain sick.

“Wait, what?” Pinkie looked baffled. I didn't blame her.

“Prom Night? I don’t get it.” I looked around the room, with it’s glittery blue and silver decorations, and the sparkly ball spreading beams of light all around. I looked back at Louis, who had the hundred yard stare of an all-night party veteran. “What’s so scary about Prom Night?”

Slowly he looked down at me with haunted eyes. “As bad as high school was, this was the worst night of the entire ordeal. I was forced to socialize with all the people that had snubbed and tortured me. I managed to not have a date, and at the time I had some really nasty acne. Add to that the fact that my dad was on the committee, and I just knew he was gonna try to meddle.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “The worst part is that almost everyone else knew too, and gave me shit for it.”

“So what, you got to be Prom King? That’s still kinda cool.” I shrugged. “I never got to go to my prom. I was so busy planning and arranging it, that I fell asleep and missed it.” Sighing, I looked down and rubbed my hoof. “I was so upset that I stayed in my room for a week. Everyone came by asking if I was sick, but I was too sad to talk to them.”

“Meh, it’s all overrated. Prom is for the popular kids to show off. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t even wanna go, but my friend bet me twenty bucks to show up, just to piss everyone off.”

Still feeling all “downy-frowny” I sat down and sighed again. Louis wasn't making it any better. I was one of the popular ponies. Maybe not as popular as Rarity, but at least everyone waved and smiled when I walked into the room! Prom night was something I would never get back.

“C’mon Pinkie! Lets not get too caught up in the past. Let’s enjoy tonight!” He grinned and pulled me to my hooves. “If the punch isn't spiked yet, I have some work to do, and you have some of your pony friends to introduce me to.”

I felt the smile creep back onto my face, and I bounced into the air. “You’re right! This is a party, and I’m a party pony! Let’s show them how to have fun.”

“That’s the spirit!” Leaning down, he gave me a hug, and I felt my heart give a little backflip. This was going to be a good night.

Moving closer to the stage, I saw plenty of people in costumes, as well as a few ponies. I even spotted Rainbow Dash, hovering above the crowd talking to another pegasus I didn't recognize. She spotted me as I waved and came shooting over to land in front of me.

“Dashie! I’m so glad you could make it. I haven't seen you since, well. You know.” I trailed off remembering exactly why we had met up last time. The smile dimmed a bit on her face, before it came back.

“It’s cool, Pinkie. I’m starting to feel better, and trying to get out and see my old friends more. Nothing can keep this pegasus down, not even. You know...” Her smile turned brittle for a moment, before she lunged forward and grabbed me in a hug.

“Wheeeeeee!” I cheered as my hooves left the ground. Pegasus hugs were the funnest! Well, unless they dropped you. It was always a good idea to have something soft underhoof when Derpy hugged you. Just as quick, I was back on the ground, and everypony was laughing.

“Sup, Dash.” Louis held out a fist, and got a hoof bump in return. “Hows it hangin?”

“Puckered, and a little to the right.” Dash replied, and they both laughed. I didn't get the joke, but tried my best to laugh with it.

“Yea, well nobody said being awesome was easy, Amirite?” My human friend grinned and raised an eyebrow.

“Troof, ma Nigga!” Rainbow raised her hoof for a high... uh, something. Louis’s face froze for a moment, before he cracked up laughing and slapped the offered appendage.

“What are you guys talking about? And why are you talkin funny, Dashie?” I asked, feeling a frown trying to tug at my mouth.

“It seems your brightly colored friend has been spending a bit too much time among my darker colored brothers and has picked up a few of our cultural mannerisms.” Louis delivered this with a straight face and dry voice, which lasted moments before they both started cracking up again.

“Seriously, Pinkie. You need to get out and meet more humans instead of creeping on Louis all the time. There’s a whole world full of cool, fun people to party with!” I couldn't help but feel a little insulted at being told how to make friends. I was the pinkiest, partiest, friendliest pony in two worlds!

“Come on you two, let's go meet the rest of the mob.” Louis started wandering over to the rest of the party, mostly around the dance floor. Not many were dancing, but there were a few couples gliding across the floor.

“Nice costumes, guys. I didn't think you had the balls to wear that kinda stuff. Who made them?” Dash looked us over as we made our way.

“Rarity made them for us. It’s a matching set. I practically had to drag Louis out of the house though.” I sighed.

“Yea, he does kinda look like a lawn jommf?” She was pulled up short as Louis grabbed her muzzle.

“Don’t finish that sentence of you wanna keep your wings.” Louis growled in a low voice.

“Okay, okay, sheesh. No need to be so touchy. So what do you think of my outfit?” She grinned, flying backwards to give us a better look.

“Hmm, pony prostitute? See Pinkie, I told you I should have dressed as a pimp.” Louis commented.

“What? NO! It’s from the ‘Meatloaf Horror Picture Show’. I’m dressed as Doctor Wienerschnitzel.” She grinned. The black wig covered her mane, and she was wearing a racy black corset. Fishnets and black pumps finished the look, and the bright red lipstick almost clashed with her normal blue muzzle.

“Not bad. And who is playing Magenta?” Louis snarked.

“Hah! That’s the best part. I got Rarity to dress up as her!” She landed as we approached a pony dressed in a sexy maid outfit, with her mane pulled out into wavy curls.

Turning, she saw us, and her eyes went wide. “Oh my! Darling, when you asked for those special costumes, I never thought that you would wear them to the party! And look at you both, such a charming couple you make, too.” Rarity gushed, and eyeballed Louis like he was a piece of triple layer chocolate cake with buttercream icing. “And you must be Louis! I have heard so much about you.” Holding out a hoof, Louis knelt down and planted a kiss on it, getting a blush and a titter from her.

I can't help it, I may have growled, just a little.

“Ahem, party?” I piped in.

“Oh yes, Darling! We are here to enjoy this lovely earth holiday. I admit it is nice to get to dress up and enjoy it myself. Out Nightmare Night is always such a busy time with ponies all wanting an original Rarity costume. I rarely ever get a chance to go out myself.” Rarity pranced around, showing off her own costume. It was actually rather plain by her normal standards, with strict limits being placed on the amount of gemstones allowed to come through from Equestria. Still, she gave it some flair, like everything she makes.

“Yeah, I really wanna know who I have to punch in the nuts for designing the theme this year.” Louis groused, as he looked around the room.

“Hey hey, Louis! What’s shaking!” A short human stepped out of the crowd, dressed in a leather biker outfit.

“Frankie! Where ya been man? I haven't seen you in almost a year.” Louis grabbed the other man’s hand, and then pulled him into a quick hug. Greasy brown locks flowed down his back, roughly pulled into a ponytail, and a set of thick rimmed glasses were on his pale face. The small Rainbow Dash keychain hanging off of his wallet chain only slightly marred his Greasy Biker look.

“Pinkie Pie, this is Frankie. Him and I used to work together, until he got all uppity and decided he was too good for Pencils and left. He used to chew my ear off about ponies, until Don came along and replaced him as the store’s resident Brony.

“Nice keychain, dude. Not as nice as the real thing, of course!” Rainbow Dash batted at the small figurine, getting a very un-bikerlike gasp from the brony.

“Holy shit, it’s the real Rainbow Dash!” Some very girlish squee noises followed, reminding me of the time that Dash first met the Wonderbolts. “Can I like, get your autograph? Here, sign my wallet please!” Pulling out a black leather wallet, with a colorful stitched pattern of my rainbow friend, he shoved it into her face.

“Whoa, calm down there buddy!” Dash stepped back, her personal space being invaded. Some ponies think I don't understand the concept of personal space, but they are wrong. I just like to think of it as a malleable thing, like taffy, and time. Besides, everypony secretly wants a hug, even if they won't admit it.

“Well... Normally I charge for these, but since you are such a fan, and a friend of Louis, I’ll give you a freebie.” From under her wing, she produced a marker and deftly signed the wallet, before giving the stitched image of herself a mustache. “Because Rainbow ‘stache is cool.”

“Holy shit, this is so awesome! I’m never gonna wash this wallet again!” More jumping and girly noises followed, and even Louis took a step back.

“Really dude, who washes a wallet anyway?” Louis asked.

“Yea, besides, money laundering is against the law!” I chimed in, getting a snicker from Dash, and eye rolls from the rest.

“Um, yea. So you guys like the theme?I helped pick it out. Welcome to High School Musical, OF THE DAMNED!” Waving his arms in the air, he tried to make spooky noises.

“That’s all I needed to hear, prepare to be punched in the nuts!” Louis pulled back a fist, and waved it threateningly at his friend.

“What? I was asked what the scariest thing I could think of, and high school came to mind immediately.” Frankie shrugged.

Louis glared at him a few moments more, and then broke into a smile. “Fair enough. High school is like one of the circles of hell.”

“Sho nuff!” Frankie grinned, and fist bumped Louis.

“So where is the punch, and what is the current proof?” Louis grinned at his friend.

“Bah, its virgin. They wouldn't let me bring any booze onto school grounds.” Running a hand through his greasy brown locks, the biker shook his head.

“Well then, how about we pop that cherry?” And out of nowhere, Louis pulls a bottle of rum. I blink and narrow my eyes. I swear, every time I do something like that, everypony gets upset. Now Louis does it, and nopony bats an eye. As the two of them wander off in search of punchy pleasures to conquer, my friends converge on me.

“So, Pinkie dear, you said he was a bit of a looker, but you never said he was so... exotic!” Rarity smoozed over to me grinning knowingly.

“Really Rarity? I thought you were only into stallions.” Rainbow Dash cut in.

“One does not need to be an artist to appreciate fine art, my dear Rainbow. I shall have to make some more outfits for him in the future, especially if Pinkie can get him to model for me.” Grinning wickedly, she fanned herself off with the feather duster from her costume.

“Hey, just remember, look but don't touch. I saw him first!” I gave my best Pinkie Pout.

“Oh Luna, you mean you haven't put a saddle on him yet? What are you waiting for, Pinkie? You almost had him with that Annie May outfit you wore.” Ruffling her feathers, Dash gave me a consoling hug.

“I believe it’s called Anime, and i do remember it was one of my nicer pieces of work. So I take it it didn't seal the deal?” Rarity shook her head sadly.

“No, he still says he isn't into ponies. But I can wait! I know if I try to be the bestest friend ever, that one day I’ll get my chance!” I grinned and got comforting smiles in return.

“Well I wish you the best of luck! I gotta get back to, umm, some stuff I was doing. See you girls later!” Dash waved as she hovered off towards the pegasus I had seen earlier. I think it may have been one of the Wonderbolts, but without the uniform it was hard to tell.

“Yes, Darling, I need to do some more mingling myself. Sweetie Belle is trying to get into a music college here on earth, and I was talking to one of the deans. Do track me down before you leave though. I really would love to design some more clothing for your handsome friend.” And just like that, I was alone.

It wasn't so bad, not like before when I thought all my friends didn't like me anymore. There were plenty of people and ponies around, but I realized I didn't know any of them. And for a pony that is used to knowing everypony, it felt weird. I trotted over to the food table for some refreshments, giggling at the creepy spider cupcakes, and chuckling at the gross looking eyeball dip. It took me a moment to realize what I was doing, and I felt my mane deflate a little. Granny Pie had always told me to laugh at things that scared me, and right now I was a little scared of being alone. The worstest part was, I didn't know why. I was surrounded by people, and everypony was having a great time. Some music was playing and dancers took to the floor. But somehow, not being in the thick of it made me feel all downy and frowny.

I wandered over to a table, sitting and looking at the food on my plate. For once, I didn't feel up to eating sweets. Looking around, I realized that all of my friends were nowhere to be found. I wanted to talk to Louis. I wanted to see Rainbow Dash. Even Rarity would be good company right now.

Suddenly the music stopped, and the lights dimmed. A spotlight appeared on the stage, and I saw Louis’ friend, Frankie waving. At the same time, a bump at the table let me know somepony has joined me, and I looked over to see Louis grinning.

“Louis! I was starting to wonder where you went.” I smiled and grabbed his hand with a hoof.

“Well, me and Frankie were busy improving the punch, and of course, we had to test it out.” he burped, and I could smell the booze on his breath. Wrinkling my nose, I waved it away.

“Well mission accomplished, hehe.” I giggled as he smiled drunkenly. “So what’s happening?”

“Well, Frankie told me they are going to have a few dances, and then they will have a vote for the prom king and queen. I put in a vote for Rainbow Dash and Rarity.” He snickered, finding this funny for some reason.

“I don't get it?” I scrunched up my muzzle in confusion.

“Well first off, they are both girls, and second, I voted Dash as Queen, and Rarity as King!” Giggling stupidly he rocked back in his chair, almost falling over.

“Hehe, that would be funny if Rarity had to act like a stallion, since she’s always so prissy and ladylike. And Rainbow hates acting like a girl! It’s brilliant!” I laughed along with him.

“Yea, and there are supposed to be some other things happening, but Frankie says they are a suprise He shrugged, then pointed to the stage where things were underway.

“Ladies and gentlemen, ponies and humans, I would like to thank you all for coming.” Frankie spoke into a microphone as everyone gave him their attention. “We will be having a round of dances, followed by a few awards for best costume, best couple, and such. And seeing as this is the most evil day of the year, Prom Night,” This received both cheer, and laughs as he paused, waving down the crowd. “Yes, Prom Night, where even the evil popular people pretend to be pretty! Anyway, we will of course have a Prom King, and Prom Queen, so be sure to cast your votes!” This got some more cheers.

“What about a vote for Prom Drag Queen?” Somepony shouted from the crowd.

“Oh, is that what you are dressed as tonight, Jack? You shoulda wore more makeup. And damn man, shave your legs next time!” Everypony laughed at the guy, dressed as some sort of sexually ambiguous pirate, that had asked the question as he gave everypony a pair of middle fingers in response. I heard Louis guffaw behind me.

“So anyway, if the DJ will do the honor or doing what he’s being paid for, lets get this party started!” With a cheer from the crowd, the music started back up, and Frankie jumped down off the stage.

“So, wanna trot on the floor, little filly?” I turned around to see Louis finishing his drink as he winked at me.

“Oh Louis, here in public? That would be so kinky!” I replied on my most sultry voice, which I had learned from Rarity. I then giggled as his eyes grew wide and his face red. It was too bad he had finished the drink, as I am sure it would have made for an awesome spit take.

“I meant dance, dammit!” he shook his head and I stood up, offering him my hoof.

“Of course you did, hehe. Lets show them how it’s done!” I grinned as we strutted to the dance floor, and proceeded to get our groove on.

A few hours passed, and it was nearly midnight. Me and Louis had showed off our dance moves. More than a few were surprised that a pony could dance so well with a human, but we made the magic happen. We especially got some cheers for reenacting the dance scene from the Tarantino film, Trash Fiction. What can I say, Louis really knows how to shake his booty!

Finally the awards were announced, and Dash managed to get the best costume award, which really upset Rarity. Of course, she started to giggle again as they actually won the award for best couple, alongside Dash. Dash’s pegasus friend seemed to laugh even harder when Rainbow yelled that she and Rarity were NOT a couple. Her blush made me wonder though.

And after all the excitement died down, Frankie took the stage once again. The dramatic lighting came back and the spotlight aimed a double barrel at him as somepony, err, somehuman dressed in a giant chicken suit pushed a cart with a box on it on stage.

“And here we have it folks! Finally the moment you have all been waiting for, some of you since the last prom...” Some chuckles rolled through the crowd at this. “The votes are in, and now it’s time to announce this year’s Prom King and Queen!” More cheering filled the auditorium and everyone clapped or clopped as Frankie did a victory pose.

Finally, the girl wearing the chicken suit handed him an envelope, which he waved over his head, before holding it to his forehead. “I see... a pony, a pussy, and something pink!” Again, everyone laughed, and a few eyes turned my way. Frankie quickly tore open the envelope, and pulled out the card inside. He gazed over the crowd, a silly grin on his face. I felt a bead of sweat drip down my face as the tension built.

Suddenly, Frankie grinned and looked right at our table as he yelled into the microphone, “Congratulations, Pinkie Pie and Louis Morgan! You are this year’s Prom King and Queen!”

The twin spotlights spun to focus on me and Louis, and we both blinked into the glare. I heard a groan from Louis, but I was too overwhelmed by the shock to care or notice. The crowd cheered as we blinked into the glare, and the reality sank in that one of my dreams was finally coming true. Not only was I at the prom, but I had been voted by all my friends to be the Prom Queen!

“Aww fuck!” Louis on the other hand was far from happy with the outcome. I didn't let him ruin the moment however, and grabbed him by his sleeve as I dragged him towards the stage. I heard him muttering darkly under his breath, but he still followed me as we walked on stage, the spotlights following our every move.

Suddenly, my tail began to twitch, and I looked up, not seeing anything. I looked around, only seeing the crowd of humans and ponies cheering us on. Louis looked resigned to his fate as he stared at me in annoyance. “Twitchy tail!” I hissed at him.

“What? What’s wrong, I thought you wanted this?” He glared back at me.

“My tail is twitching, Louis! Twitchy-twitcha-a-twitch! Something is gonna fall!” I suddenly remembered I had never told him about my Pinkie Sense, not really. For some reason it rarely went off here on Earth, so I never had a reason to bring it up. Suddenly it was going crazy!

“Seriously, Pinkie? I don’t care how much your ass is twitching, I’m not into it. And now is not the time to be bring it up.” He shrugged and rolled his eyes. “You can have a kiss, on stage, for the crowd, but that's it.”

“No, nonono, no! My Pinkie Sense tells me when stuff is gonna happen, and right now it says something is gonna fall!” I desperately looked around, but the crowd was getting restless as we argued.

“Aww, don’t look now, but it looks like there may be some trouble in paradise! Are the two love birds having second thoughts?” Frankie’s amplified voice snapped Louis out of his funk, and reminded him that we were literally in the spotlight.

“Dammit, Pinkie! Everyone is watching us! Now get control of your ass, and let’s get this over with.” Louis growled, and actually grabbed my reins, leading me along to the stage. Surprisingly, the bridle acted like a real one, and the pressure on my jaw made me move forward without thinking. I blinked as the twitching got worse, and tried to balk, but Louis looked determined to get to the stage.

“But Louis! Something is gonna... fall?” I blinked and looked around, as I saw hundreds of balloons start to drift down around us. I felt a grin spread on my face and I laughed as I realized that something really was falling. Lots of somethings! I perked up my ears, and happily trotted past a startled Louis, as the averted crisis triggered a happy mood swing. “Oops, I guess it was a false alarm!”

Louis just sighs, and we start up the steps to the stage. Everypony cheers again as we approach the mic where the stage has been cleared. A small arch of flowers is wheeled out behind us, looking like a giant horseshoe, and Louis glares at Frankie.

“You planned this shit, didn't you?” I could see his eye twitch as he stared down his friend. “Nice fuckin winner’s circle.” I looked back again and realized that the flowers did indeed look like a winner circle from a horse race.

“Hah, it was Rarity’s idea. She was telling me about how Pinkie never got to go to her Prom, and whipped up the props. You shoulda seen the look on your faces!” Frankie laughed and turned to the crowd. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, your new King and Queen!”

More cheers rocked the room, and I felt warmth starting in my chest and spreading out. I didn't care that it was all made up. I was at the prom, and I was voted Queen! It was a dream come true, and when I looked up, I saw Louis gazing down at me. His face softened as he looked at me, and he began to smile as well. He must have seen how happy I was. Suddenly, I felt somepony next to me, and a large garland of flowers was being lowered over my head. The girl in the chicken suit winked at me and smiled, and my vision blurred as tears filled my eyes, flowing down my face.

For a few brief moments, everything in the world was good. Louis raised his arms over his head, and the crowd hooted. A moment later, the chicken girl was back with the rolling cart, and I saw two crowns on a cushion. We both bowed our heads, as Frankie and the girl crowned the two of us, and the crowd got even louder.

Finally, I looked over to see Louis kneeling down next to me, and my heart stopped a moment as I remembered his promise. I closed my eyes and leaned forward, as he cradled my head and pulled me into a tender kiss. The world seemed to stop, and my heart raced, and the sounds of the room fell away. The sounds of the crowd faded until all I could hear was the wild beating of my own heart.

And then suddenly it was over, and Louis was booping me on the nose with a finger. “Don't read anything into that. We are still just friends, okay?” He grinned at me, and the room was filled with jeers and wolf whistles, but I didn't care. I had everything I had ever wanted, and I could not possibly be any happier.

And then my tail twitched. It twitched hard. It felt like my tail was trying to jump off and run away. Louis saw the look on my face as my eyes widened in horror, and we both looked up just in time to get a face full of red liquid. It cascaded down, covering us both, and I cringed, closing my eyes tight. The entire room was dead silent as only the sound of dripping could be heard. Finally I opened my eyes to look over at Louis, and saw the look of utter fury on his face.

“What the FUCK!” he roared.

And then my tail twitched again.

“No!” I cried, just as a bucket fell from the rafters, and landed with a loud thunk on Louis’ head. I saw his eyes roll into his head, and he dropped like a sack of stale cupcakes.

That’s when the laughing began. Slow at first, a few snickers, one chuckle, and maybe a guffaw. Above us I heard a muttered “Oops!”, but I was too distracted to look up. As the redness dripped over my coat, a redness of another kinda filled my vision, and I felt my mane go limp. And then I started to remember...

“Red. I shoulda known it’d be red.” Bitterly the voice came from behind me, as I looked into the mirror.

“They are pink, momma. Just like my mane. I needed to make some saddle bags to carry my stuff.” I turned to see my mother glaring at me coldly.

“And where exactly do you think you are going, young filly?” Her stern look and sharp frown made me flinch.

“I-I’m going to throw a party. Some of the other fillies and colts asked me to throw one, so we can have some fun.” I sighed, preparing myself for another fight. “We talked about this, Momma. It’s my calling. My cutie mark and special talent is to make ponies laugh.”

“It’s Discord’s work, that’s what it is!” Bitterly growling at me, I flinched again at the hatred in her voice. “You go out there and make a fool of yourself, and they all laugh at you. No order, no harmony, just foolishness and the evil of Discord!” She stepped towards me, and tried to grab my bags off of my back. “I won’t have it! We will stay here, and we will pray. Pray to the Makers to forgive us for your sins and falling to the will of Discord!”

I danced out of reach of her hooves, and took a deep breath. “No momma. I am not gonna pray, and I am not staying here with you. I... I have decided that I am gonna move out.”

“What?” Screeching, she took a step back and put a hoof over her heart. “Where are you gonna go, you stupid child? You gonna live in the streets? Or will you lift your tail like a whorse and trick some colt into taking care of you?” She huffed and stomped her hoof. “No, you will not leave. You will pray for forgiveness. The evil of Discord is in you, child, and you will pray to the Makers that they cleanse you of his taint!”

I felt tears starting to form, as I knew this would be the last time I saw my momma. After tonight, there was no turning back.

“No, Momma. I am going to live with Granny Pie. She offered to take me in, and teach me how to use my special talent. She will teach me how to make ponies laugh.” My voice trembled as i tried to stand firm.

In response, my mother let out an ear splitting screech. “Noo! I have told you before, you will never mention the name of that witch in my house! Discord cursed that woman, and this family will have no part of her madness!”

“Momma! Granny is not a witch! She is good, and kind, and she is just like me!” The tears were flowing freely, and I was having trouble seeing. I sniffed and wiped my nose on my fetlock before continuing. “Granny has a great gift that flows in our veins. I looked it up, and the Pie family was once great and powerful, going back to chancellor Puddinghead. It’s just recessive genes that the power passed over you, but it was passed on to me through your blood!”

“Speak not your lies, demon! I know the way of the Makers, and reject the evil of Discord!” Growling, my mother approached me, stalking me like a timberwolf as I backed away. “I knew I should have given you up when you were born. I have had three blessed daughters, normal and grey. Then I give birth to an unholy abomination like you! Pink? PINK! You are no child of mine, and I should have let the nurses keep you when you were born.”

“Momma, please don't say that!” I blubbered, finally falling to my knees in despair. “I love you momma! Why can’t you just love me and be happy for me? just want to make other ponies happy!”

“Yes! Make them laugh. They will all see you as the pathetic mad fool, and they will laugh at you. THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!” She screamed, inches from my face. Finally I broke, and grabbed my saddlebags before bolting out of the door. As I ran off into the approaching dusk, I heard my mother’s screaming madly that they would only laugh at me, and I would be punished for my sins. It would be the last thing I ever heard her say.

As I opened my eyes, the red haze covered everything. Red, red, red. It dripped off of my coat and mane, and clouded my vision. I looked down and saw the blood as is glistened wetly, and stained my pink coat. I looked over and saw the red stain as it spread around Louis like a slow flood of death. It splattered his face and costume, and spread father in a puddle around his head. The horror of what lay before me sent shivers down my spine, and made my mane crawl. I was so close, so close to the one I loved. I was happy. Not happy because of others, but for the first time I was truly happy for myself. I had gotten a kiss from the one I loved, and been crowned Queen of the prom. All my hopes and dreams were complete, and within my grasp.

And it was all snatched away.

That’s when I heard it. The Laughter. I heard them all laughing, laughing at me. Most of my life I had tried every day to make others laugh, to make them happy. The one time I was truly happy myself, and it was all snatched away in a moment.

And they were laughing. Laughing at me. At me...

I looked up. The crowd of ponies and humans were all cackling wildly at me and my pain. And I remembered. “They’re all gonna laugh at you!”

And then I felt it. Something broke. Not just broken, but broke free. Released from the cage I had kept it in all my life. The power I had learned to keep hidden surged forth, and demanded release. And I let it free...

With a twitch, the doors all slammed shut. Loud clangs echoed and stopped them from laughing as some realized that something was wrong. I felt a manic grin slowly spread across my face, stretching from ear to ear, and more of them stopped laughing, some even stepped back in fear. With another switch, and a flick of my ear, there was a deafening bang, and the smell of ozone filled the air as all the door locks welded shut at once. Sparks flew, and ignited nearby decorations.

“Rarity, what the fuck? I thought ponies couldn't do magic!” Frankie cried out in fear, turning to my old friend.

“This isn't magic, I’m afraid. Not the normal kind at least. Then again this is Pinkie Pie. She has always been... different.” Rarity stepped back, fear showing in her voice as she tried to rationalize what was happening.

No, this wasn't any common unicorn magic. This was my legacy. This was my curse. This was my power, passed from mother to daughter through the Pie family line. They all laughed at me, and they would all pay.

“Stop LAUGHING AT ME!” I roared. I felt the power flow up from the earth, and into my hoofsies. The room dimmed and turned red, and I knew they were glowing. That’s when they all realized it was time to run. But too late. Far too late. They had taken my Louis from me, and laughed at my pain. They would all pay.

They’re all gonna laugh at you!

Not for long.

My mane itched, and my ear flicked, as my smile grew impossibly wider. The flames shot higher and started to engulf the walls. Screams, sweet screams filled the air.

“STOP LAUGHING AT ME!” I screamed, and the power pulsed. Bodies flew like confetti, and broke like pinatas against the walls. Those that lived were burned by the flames, and everywhere the blood flowed like molten candy. The screams went on, as people and ponies beat on the doors, but nothing would budge. They were trapped like cookies in a jar, as a mighty hoof came down to crush them one by one.

Chairs and tables flew, striking indiscriminately, causing some to scream, while others were silenced forever. The laughs had stopped, but the screams took their place, and the power fed on the blood of the fallen as...

*CRACK!*

“Owie!” Pain lanced through my muzzle, and the red haze fell away. I blinked, looking up into the face of Louis, looking worried and more than a little angry.

“You’ve been watching horror movies on Webflix again, haven’t you?” he fumed, pointing a finger at me.

I felt my face flush and I averted my gaze. “I may have watched a Stevie Queen marathon last night. Ya’know, to get ready for the holiday.”

Looking around I saw the room back to normal. No fire, no blood, no bodies. Just the worried faces of people and ponies looking up at me. I saw Rainbow Dash and a Griffon hovering above the crowd, and I recognized her friend Gilda looking at me with worry.

“What happened?” I blinked again, rubbing at my face, seeing my hoof come away bloody. “The blood! So much blood!” I gasped and started shaking.

Slowly, with a very unamused face, Louis reached up and ran his hand along my muzzle. I was in too much shock to enjoy the contact, and I flinched as he brought his hand to his face and tasted the crimson liquid.

“It’s punch, Pinkie. Fuck, all that booze wasted.” he turned to glare at Dash and Gilda, who dropped out of the air to hide in the crowd.

“Punch? I stuck out my tongue, and licked the end of my muzzle. Fruity flavor immediately assaulted my mouth, before a warm tingle made it feel slightly numb. Yup, it was some seriously spiked punch! “Oh, umm.. oops?” I giggled and started to blush. “What happened?”

“DASH! Front and center, NOW!” Louis bellowed, never taking his eyes off my face. In a blur, Dash was next to him, looking a bit worried. “Explain.” His tone of voice brooked no argument.

“Umm, well. You see, my friend Gilda is in town visiting, and I told her all about Halloween, and doing pranks. We came up with this cool prank from a movie we watched, but there is no way I was gonna kill a pig for it’s blood, no matter how much she called me a dweeb. So we decided to dump the punch on whoever was prom queen and watch them freak out.” She giggled, and pointed at Pinkie. “Oh man, you had the mother of all freakouts! We thought you were having a seizure. That was more epic than the time I dumped slugs on Rarity!”

“What?! That was you?” Rarity bellowed from the dance floor.

Dash’s eyes went wide, and her pupils shrank to pinpricks, as she realized that the microphone was broadcasting everything. “Oh buck me. Gottago!” and in a blur she was gone, leaving behind a black wig and a rainbow blur in the air before me. I saw Gilda put something over her head, and immediately turn into the pegasus I had seen earlier, before following Dash’s trail out the door.

“Oh, maybe I overreacted a teensy bit. But I saw you get hit with the bucket, and I thought you were dead! I just lost it...” Sniffing, I looked at him with tears in my eyes.

“This thing? Meh, it clocked me good, but no more damage than a night of binge drinking.” He held up a plastic bucket, before tossing it aside. “Really Pinkie, you had us worried.” Shrugging, he hopped off the stage, everypony making room, before holding out a hand to help me down. I happily hopped into his arms and then he set me down gently.

“Sorry about the outfits, Rarity. Mind helping Pinkie get cleaned up, while I take care of mine?” He waved my friend over.

“Oh think nothing of it Darling! I can make you more outfits to use at home after the party. I dare say that I can make you some real costumes as well, if you two are into that sort of thing.” She put a hoof across my shoulders and led me away.

“Wait, what?” I pondered as Pinkie and her friend wandered off. “What sort of thing?”

I looked around and saw the rest of the party staring at me. “What the fuck are you all looking at? Never seen a lawn jockey wearing pink?” I then strutted off and found the bathroom to clean up.

Later that night, as me and Pinks were getting home, and I had the chance to get a real shower, I thought more about what had happened. I came out of the bathroom dressed like a Greek god in only my towel, and Pinkie was sitting on the couch wearing a towel turban on her head.

“Pinkie, that was definitely one of the best nights I’ve had in awhile. Thanks.” I grinned and sat down next to her. She giggled and immediately leaned against me.

“Yea, pranks aside, that was one of the best for me. Especially the kiss.” Her voice got real soft and I felt the need to shake the mood.

“I told you, we are still friends. But I’m glad you enjoyed it.” I sighed. Tell me though, that the hell was your friend talking about the costumes?

“Oh that, she made em for us. There was a letter with it too.” Pointing at the nearby table, I saw a piece of old fashioned parchment on it.

As I picked it up and started to read, I felt the blood drain from my face.

Dearest Pinkie Pie,
I am so delighted to hear that you have finally settled down and found yourself a special somepony. Or should we call him your special somehuman? Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you, and send my best wishes for the both of you. I do hope that you will be attending the little holiday event that Rainbow Dash has talked me into. She has me creating some ridiculous outfits so that we may match. I honestly cannot understand that mare, sometimes.
Since I was already making costumes, I decided to make a little something special for you and your human, and did some research into some cosplay gear. If your special energy and beauty does not do the trick, I am sure that these outfits will help to add a little spice to your bedroom adventures. Do be sure to tell me how you both like them. If they work out well, I may be adding them to my new line of adult themed garments, for interspecies couples.
But remember, you got them first! Farewell for now, and I hope to see you soon.
Your Fabulous Friend,
Rarity

As felt the letter flutter out of my grasp, and my eye began twitch as the realization dawned on me. We had spent the entire night dressed up in pony fetish gear. Suddenly all the offhanded comments about being in public came rushing back.

“What’s wrong Louis?” Pinkie looked up at me, with total innocence in her gaze.

“I think I need a drink...” was all I could force out as I turned on my heel and stalked towards the bedroom.

Author's Notes:

Happy Halloween everypony!

What? What do you mean it's Independence day? *Looks at the calendar* Oh buck me...

So anyway, this was the Halloween/Nightmare Night episode that was voted second place in the poll. I knew how I wanted to start it and end it, with the costume joke, and the rest slowly came to me. I think it turned out rather well, and skirted dark just long enough to not ruin the comedic feel of the story. I hope.

This also marks the triumphant return of my original editor, who I tracked down and pestered with text messages until he agreed. Hopefully the readability had been greatly improved thanks to him. If not, blame me.

Inspiration for this chapter, and ART CHALLENGE!

Yes folks, the idea for this chapter is that damn old! When I first saw the animated version on the net, I immediately thought of Pinkie covered in blood, looking like Carrie. FINALLY I GOT TO USE IT! Years later and nobody else has done it, so...

GET TO IT ARTISTS! I challenge someone to make an animated version with Pinkie splattered in blood, like Carrie.

Additional Inspiration provided by:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3skUmfydYU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M144s8TsD1M

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhHNSXNCGoQ

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

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♫“Holiday RoooOOoooooOOoooaad! Holiday Roooad!”♫ The warbling voice of my perky pink passenger floated from the back seat, setting my teeth on edge.

“Dammit Pinkie, not that song again!” I growled.

“Aww, but its such a great song, and from an awesome movie! And we gotta have traveling music. There's a rule, I’m sure of it.” Leaning forward to prop her chin on my shoulder, she quickly nuzzled my ear before sitting back to avoid my half hearted backhand.

“Stop it, I’m trying to drive here. The assholes are out in force today.” I managed to swerve around another moron as he switched two lanes to cut me off--without turn signals. Pinkie tumbled across the seat with a loud thump, and a squeak. “And get back in your seat before you get hurt! I paid good money to get that damn pony seat installed for you, now use it.” The car was also a rental, since my little sports sedan wouldn't hold all of our stuff for the trip. The luxury upgrade helped with the long drive as well.

“Owie. Sorry Louis, but the seatbelt itches, and my butt keeps going to sleep. I gotta move around and wag my tail, ‘cuz we are goin on a ♫ROOAD TRIIIP!♫” She sang, as she climbed back into the seat.

“Soon as we get to the first stop, you can wiggle your ass all you want. Until then, stay in your seat.” Huffing, I slowed down to give the finger to yet another jackass doing ten miles under the speed limit, before maneuvering around him, while using my turn signals. Predictably, he was yammering away on a cell phone, and didn't even notice. “Against the law my ass.” I muttered darkly.

“Sooo, how much longer till we get there?” Pinkie whined from her secure location.

“Pinkie, I’ve told you before, its gonna take two days minimum. We are driving all the way across the country, and we have stops along the way.” I rolled my eyes, peeking in the rear view mirror to see her sucking on a juice box. It was friggin adorable.

“And why are we not just flying there?” She whined again.

“Again, you were the one that wanted to see the country, and I haven't been on a road trip since I was a little kid. We are gonna retrace the route me and my parents took to get to Walterland.” I grinned, remembering the golden times with me and my parents on the open road.

“Louis?” Again the whining, and it was starting to get to me.

“What, Pinkie?” I once again growled.

“I gotta go to the bathroom...” I facepalmed. This was going to be a long ass trip.

***One Week Earlier***

“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You’re cool. And Fuck you, I’m out!” I shouted across the sales floor at the shithead managers and asinine customers as I strode for the door. I had rehearsed the scene in my head for years, and finally I was getting to live my dream.

“Don't expect to get a good reference for your next job! You will regret this, and when you need a job, don't come crawling back to Pencils!” My boss huffed at me, red faced, but unwilling to yell at full volume in front of customers.

I paused and gave a creepy smile, causing him to take a step back. “Next job? I already have my next job. They are paying me $30,000 a year salary, with quarterly performance bonuses, and housing and travel expenses! Oh, and it’s a minimum three year contract. So you can take this shitty 30-hour a week retail torture session and stick it up your tight penny-pinching ass... Sideways!”

Kissing both hands, I raised my arms and gave twin victory signs. “Peace, Niggas! I’m out!” This was met with cheers and clapping from customers and coworkers alike, as my boss turned a new shade of red and stormed back into his office. No doubt he was writing a rather scathing review of my performance and ineligibility for rehire.

And thus started my emancipation from retail servitude. I had just gotten the acceptance call for my new job; Technology Liaison for Equestrian Technology. Basically, it was a government funded company that was re-engineering earth technology for use in Equestria. I am pretty sure my dad had a hand in getting me the job, since he still kept in touch with his old government contracts. The fact that I was already living with a pony apparently sealed the deal, since I had experience with pony culture and capabilities.

When they found out it was Pinkie Pie, they called back and offered me the bonuses. To quote the recruiter, “Anyone that can live with that pony is more than capable of dealing with anything else ponies can possibly throw at them.” The fact that Pinkie was classified as a level 2 natural disaster in her homeland may also have something to do with it. Who knew, right?

So suddenly I found myself awaiting my new job in three weeks, and no longer in need of the pathetic retail slavery. I had vacation time saved up, and cashed it all in, quitting my old job. I considered giving the standard two weeks notice, but after I was offered such a generous bonus, I decided to say “screw it all.” But what to do with my free time? I was going to go on a grand adventure, and take my closest friend to see the beautiful country I lived in. Pinkie had been wanting to see more of my world, having seen bits of it on TV and the internet, and finally we had a chance to go. So, off home I went to break the news.

“So, you quit your job, but you got a better job? Now you want to spend a week alone with me in a car driving across the entire country to go see this amazingly funneriffic place you went to as a kid? Just the two of us, on the open road! No rules, no inhibitions, into the west like the explorers of old, hoof in hand as we drive into the sunset!” Pinkie's face almost split in half as her voice went faster and faster, and she bounced like a demented bobble head.

“Yeahh... Do you have to make it sound so creepy?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “It’s just two friends, hanging out and seeing the sights. We have some fun, snap some photos, do the tourist thing, and then come home with some nice memories.”

“Sounds great! But, why don't we just fly? Wouldn't that be faster?” Scratching her head, the pony looked at me.

“See, that's the thing! It’s not about the destination, its all about the journey. Sure, Walterland is awesome and fun, but driving across this amazing country, the wind in our hair, the freedom of the open road! Those are the real memories. Besides, you kept telling me how much you wanted to see more of my world, and now you can.”

“Wowie! That does sound fun! We can be like Cisco and Ebert, Bunny and Clyde, Butch Kennedy and the Squaredance Kid, Daring Do and... and. Wait, I think she works alone. But I bet Dashie would totally give her left wing to go on an adventure!” Beaming at me, Pinkie continued to rattle off names and references to people I had never heard of. I am pretty sure some of them were made up. “Yes, I can see it now!” Sliding up to me, I found myself pulled down to Pinkie’s level as she waved a hoof in front of us. “Louis and Pie, Great Explorers of the West!”

“Okay, whatever. Just remember, as much fun as it is, there will be plenty of sitting in a car and driving. Are you sure you can stand sitting still that long?” I grinned at my enthusiastic friend, poking her in the middle and getting a satisfying giggle, not unlike the Pittsburgh Pretzel Boy.

“Oh of course I can sit still. In fact, one time I had to sit and watch paint dry for hours as... As um.” Suddenly like a switch was thrown, the happy pink mare had a look of horror on her face, with the shell shocked hundred yard stare of a combat veteran. “So many dead. So much slaughter. All gone! They’re all gone!” Her hair went limp, and her eyes grew wide as tears started to stream down her face. “Why, Twilight? Why?”

Panicking at the sudden change in behavior, I grabbed Pinkie by her shoulders and shook her. “Pinkie! Snap outta it. You are starting to scare me!”

And like it never happened, the smile was back, and the party pony was looking at me again. “Oh, hiya Louis! Are we ready to go on the trip now?”

“Pinkie, what the fuck just happened? You started freaking out over something, and it scared the hell outta me.” I felt the fear turning to anger as Pinkie just blinked at me in confusion.

“I dunno what you mean, Louis. We were just talking about the supertadteriffic trip. I can't wait to go!” Giggling, the cheery pony slipped out of my stunned grip, and bounced away to her room. “I’m gonna start packing!”

As my friend hummed to herself, not for the first time, I wondered just what the fuck I had gotten myself into.

***Present***

As I waited at the rest stop, I could feel the last of the summer heat beating down on me. The insects buzzed and chirped in the nearby long grass as I watched the other motorists come and go. Thankfully, the humidity was low this far from the coast, but the early fall weather still made itself known. All of the colors, the gold and browns, the dark greens soon to start turning into reds and fiery orange; And yet, the heat still clawed at me as the summer season tried to claw and bite to the bitter end. It was beautiful, and yet so damn uncomfortable.

Finally Pinkie strutted out of the restroom, a big smile on her face, and a streamer of toilet paper stuck to her hind hoof like some old comic cliche. She bounced over to me where I was drinking my cool bottled water, and trying not to glare at her in my frustration. We had wasted half an hour of precious daylight travel time, and I was eager to get back on the road.

“Ya wash your hands?” I groused.

“Hooves, silly! I don't have hands.” My pastel passenger bounced next to me, and rubbed herself against my thigh, forcing me to stumble away. “And yes, they are sparkling clean! And guess what? That have pony toilets! Isn't that awesome? It’s just like back home in Ponyville!”

“What’s so special about a pony toilet? You use a regular one just find back home.” I grumbled and moved farther away to avoid more spontaneous affection, and made my way around to the driver’s seat.

“Well they are alot easier to use, for one. I think they designed them from some Neighponese designs and imported them. I hear all the Annie May people use em.” She opened the door and then leaped into the back seat, and was buckled in before I could even start the car.

“For the last time, it’s called ‘Anime’, not Annie May. And it’s Japanese in this world. Those people make some pretty weird shit too. Not surprised that pony toilets are the same.” I pulled out and headed back to the interstate. “Gimme a good old porcelain throne any day though. Every man is a king at least once a day.” I quipped with a grin.

“I wonder if I can get a pony toilet in my bathroom? It would make things come out alot easier, that’s for sure!” I looked back to see Pinkie cutely sucking on another juice box.

“First off, that is an image I could live without. Second, I don't really care, but you will have to pay for it. And if you get a pony pooper installed, you gotta switch it back if you move out.” I shrugged, and went back to watching the road. Behind me I could hear a giggle, and a muttered ‘Hehe, pony pooper’ in response.

“You get nothing! You lose! Good day, Sir!” The man with the oddly colored suit shouted in my face.

“B-but, mister Wonka!” I sniveled in response.

“I Said, ‘Good day, Sir!’” and with that, the door was slammed in my face.

Slowly I turned, a tear forming in my eye as I looked over at the pink menace that was looking equally as dejected. “You happy now? You got us kicked out, and I never got to ride the Wonkavator!” I kicked the door, and then sat on the ground. “It was broken when I came here as a kid, and now I will never get to ride it.”

“Oh don’t worry, Louis. I’m sure it’s not as awesome as it sounds. Not nearly as awesome as that chocolate waterfall!” Pinkie nuzzled up against me, and I scooted away, still angry.

“Don’t remind me. How could you eat that much chocolate? I mean, literally, how is is physically possible?” I stood up and threw my hands in the air.

“Well, they did say we could take as many free samples as we wanted. I just really like chocolate! It’s superiffically yummilicious!” Bouncing in front of me, the pink Bag of Holding grinned maniacally.

“Yes, but you ate forty pounds of chocolate! Forty pounds!” I turned and started walking away.

“I don’t get why they were so upset. We didn't even get to see the real Willy Wonka either.” Bouncing along with that inexplicable spring noise of hers, she kept up with me as I trudged back to where we were parked.

“Weren’t you listening during the tour? The original Willy Wonka is in England. His cousin Walter came to America to start a franchise in the 50’s and he built the new factory so he could make cheap chocolate over here, and not compete with his cousin.” I rolled my eyes and turned to look at Pinkie. ”It was all in the movie we watched, too. Or were you too busy gorging on sweets?”

“I dunno, I was enjoying that fizzy stuff. It was better than Applejack’s cider!” She suddenly looked nervous, “But don't tell her I said that.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure we are gonna get a bill for that too. He told you not to touch it, but noo! You can't listen.” I huffed and continued walking.

“Oh well, it’s not all bad. At least I got to play with the oompa-loompa!” She giggled and bounced backwards in front of me. “Too bad he didn't wanna pony ride though.”

“For the last time, he wasn't a damn oompa-loompa! He was just some midget in a uniform. I think he was the quality control inspector or something. In fact you really pissed him off calling him that.” I shook my head and glared at the bouncing furball before me.

“Aww he didn't mind it too much, but he really got mad when you threatened to steal his gold. That wasn't very nice.” She huffed at me, stopping to cross her hooves.

“Hey! I’m a quarter Irish, we know the wily ways of the wee folk, and he owed me some gold for calling him on it!” I shook a finger at her. “Besides, that wasn't what got us kicked out, anyway. You just had to swipe that experimental gum, didn't you?”

“I can’t help it, it was soo yummy! It was like a party exploded in my mouth, twice! And then the flavor kept changing. It was bliss!” She closed her eyes and started to drool, as she twitched spasmodically.

“It turned you into a fuckin blueberry! I mean, you were literally blue. Even for you that’s weird. I thought you were having an allergic reaction.” We started crossing the parking lot, and I scanned the area for my car.

“Oh but the blueberry juice was the best part! It was so amazing and sweet.”

“Yes, but dammit Pinkie, did you have to piss all over Mister Wonka? I mean really? That was disgusting!” I shook my head as I fished for the keys to the car.

“I’m so sorry, but how else was I gonna get rid of that much juice? I just couldn't hold it anymore, and it had to come out somewhere!” She hung her head and kicked the ground ashamedly.

“I honestly don't know, but that was downright nasty. Get in the damn car.” I opened the locks and slid into the seat, starting the engine as Pinkie buckled herself in. “And if you gotta piss, you can fuckin hold it, got me?”

“I’m sorry.” She whimpered.

I just grunted, putting the car in gear and heading back to the road.

“On the road again! I can't wait to get on the road again!” The ever cheerful voice of my companion caused me to groan.

“Dammit Pinkie, no singing!”

“Awwww!”

“I spy, with my pony eye, something that's... Green!” Pinkie spouted off from the back seat.

“Is it corn?” I replied dryly.

“Yes, it is! Wow, you are really good at this game. You know that, Louis?”

“Pinkie, we are in the middle of Kansas. The only thing we can see is corn, corn, and more corn. The last five things you tried to spy were corn.” I sighed, shaking my head. “Oh look, over there!” I sarcastically yelled.

“Oh, what is it? What is it?” like a retarded puppy, she rose to the bait.

“It’s MORE FUCKING CORN!” I yelled. I then proceeded to beat my head on the steering wheel.

“But, I like corn!” She replied, sullenly.

“Yes, Pinkie. But do you remember that talk we had about moderation?” I looked back over the seat at her, totally secure in the fact that not a damn thing was going to enter my path on the ruler flat road we were on.

“Oh, you mean the time you were sued for indecent exposure, but somepony told you it was a nude beach, so they let you go before a moderator to decide your sentence because you were a minor?” Looking at me with wide blue eyes, and not a bit of malice, my pink passenger managed to lock my brain up.

“What? Wait, I never told you about that shit! It was stuck from my record too!” I almost swerved the car in my surprise, and then turned my head back to face the road. Nope, still 11 miles of nothing to the horizon.

“Oh, my bad. Your mom must have told me that one.” I looked back in the rear view mirror to see her shrug.

“No, what I meant was, no matter how good something is, it’s only good in moderation. Like cheerful pink ponies.” I muttered to myself.

“Yay! I’m good!” She cheered as I muttered darkly to myself some more. “Oh, and by the way, we are gonna run out of gas soon. Also, the next rest stop is another hundred miles after the one up ahead.”

“What?” I looked down at the gauge, and sure enough the warning light was on, and the needle was almost touching the E. I then looked up ahead and saw the top of a sign cresting the horizon, high above the waving fields of green.

“How the hell did you know all that? Is this more of your Pinkie Sense shit?” I grumbled.

“Nope, I read the sign a few miles back!” Cheerful as ever, Pinkie beamed at me from the back seat.

So we wound up pulling into a lonely gas station that looked like a prop for a post-apocalyptic survival horror, complete with rusting fuel pumps, and dirt stained windows. The only sign of life was the dog on the front step, and the freshly painted sign advertising WiFi. I shit you not, the last gas station at the end of oblivion had WiFi.

Oh, and did I mention the old guy on the porch next to the dog? That’s probably because I didn't even see him until I was out of the car. Suddenly I was hearing banjos in my head, and wondering how far I could drive with the fuel light on.

“Heya.” I waved to the wizened old fart on the porch. “Lookin to get some gas. I, uhh, don't see a sign with prices anywhere?” In response, the guy just spit off to the side. It may have been my imagination, but I swear I heard the ring of a spittoon being struck. Damn you, Tex Avery.

“So, uhh... Gas? I got cash.” The old man stared at me a moment, then nodded abruptly toward the front door. I nodded my thanks, and made my way inside.

I was glad to notice that the outside did not match the inside, and not just in a Doctor When kinda way. As I passed the threshold, the cool processed air flowed over me, making me aware of the sweat I had built up. The inside was as clean and welcoming as any chain store; with white walls, mass-produced signage, and brightly packaged items that would be found in any Smiley-Mart. The woman behind the counter was middle-aged, smiling, and had all her teeth. She could have been anyone’s mom back home, if you added a few tattoos, and some stretch marks. Maybe a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

I shook off the visions of home, and ambled over to to the counter, pulling out my wallet. The lady glanced at me, her smile faltering for a moment, before returning full force. “How kin ah help ya today?”

“Umm, forty bucks of regular? I didn't see a price outside.” I smiled back.

“Prices change alot, and old Herold cain’t climb too good no more. Most folks are just happy to find a pump round here anyways.” I noticed her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, and the hair on the back of my neck started to rise. I mumbled a thanks and made my way outside.

As I exited the store, I noticed the old man returning the nozzle to the pump, and recapping my gas tank. I have heard of full service pumps before, but never thought I would actually see one. Everything was self-serve back home, to the point that they never bothered to put up signs anymore.

“That’ll be fifty.” The man gruffly said, his voice like a low drone.

“I paid inside, I just gave her forty bucks for the gas.” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at the building.

“That’ll be fifty. Cash.” Again the solemn voice, and emotionless face, a blank mask of indifference.

“Look, I’ll give you the other ten, although I didn't ask you to pump the extra, but I already paid the other forty.” I was looking around, wondering where Pinkie had gotten to, and trying to decide how fast I could get in the car and drive off.

“Fifty dolla, cash.” Like death, he never moved a muscle, sav to reach an upturned palm to me. I took a step back, and was starting to wonder if I had stepped into one of those movies where the backwoods family tortures and kills tourists.

“Relax Harold. He’s with me.” I heard a slightly more feminine version if the deadpan voice from behind me, and turned to see a grey pony with a straight purple mane. Bouncing happily behind her was Pinkie Pie, grinning from ear to ear.

“Dafuk is going on Pinkie?” I crossed my arms, and glared at her.

“Louis! You’re never gonna guess who I met!” She draped herself across the other pony’s shoulders, smiling at me. The grey pony mare just looked up at me, face expressionless, and eyes barely showing a glimmer of interest. “It’s my sister, Maud!”

“Hi. My name is Maud. Are you the human that has been dating my sister?” A single eyebrow raised was the only indication of the question being asked. It was delivered in such a monotone that it made me almost want to fall asleep. Imagine Ben Stein, turned into a female pony. Yea... Something like that.

“We aren't dating. Pinkie just lives with me, as a roommate.” I shrugged. “We’re just friends.”

In response, she just continued to stare at me, expression blank, and eyebrow raised. It felt like she was scanning my soul and judging me for my sins. This continued for almost a full minute, making me squirm uncomfortably, before a small smug smile appeared on her face and she turned to look at Pinkie.

“I see what you mean.” She said to her pink sibling, getting a knowing smile and a nod in return.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I blurted.

“Ohhh nothing!” Pinkie sang annoyingly. I just glared at her, but she deflected it with an innocent smile.

Deciding I wasn't going to get anywhere with this line of inquiry, I changed the subject. “So, what brings you to Earth?”

“Rocks.” Again the deadpan response. I waited for more, but that serene stare was all I received.

“Wow. Rocks. That's utterly fascinating.” I did my best to mimic the dead voice, mocking her behavior.

“My sister is one of the top specialists in the field of geology, mining, and rock farming! She traveled all over Equestria to learn about different rocks and rock farming techniques.” Pinkie rambled on, filling the void in the conversation. She’s found some of the most rarest rocks in all the world! Oh! Did you bring Boulder with you? They wouldn't let me bring Gummy, especially now that he’s big enough to eat somepony.”

“No. They said Boulder was made of something called uranium. It’s dangerous here on earth and makes ponies sick. I always knew he was special, and have never found another rock like him. I miss Boulder.” And with that, the longest speech yet made me want to lay down and take a nap. It didn't help that her steady, unblinking stare was almost hypnotic in how it bored into you. I swear, it was like listening to a talking statue.

“Aww, that’s too bad. He was fun to play camouflage with. So who’s your new friend?” Pinkie bounced over to peer up at the older man, who I had totally forgotten was standing creepily close behind me. He also had not made the slightest sound, nor seemed to have moved an inch, other than to return his hand to his side.

“That’s Harold. He’s a corn farmer.” Maud’s voice drifted over my shoulder like a cold fog as she circled around me.

“Howdy.” A word and a nod was the only indication that the man was still alive. Like Maud, his penetrating stare made me feel utterly insignificant.

“We met when I was surveying the land for rock formations. We became friends, and I decided to stay with him for a while. We are very close now.” Maud turned to look up at me, and again that small smile returned. It served to only make her seem even more creepy. This pony would give the Addams Family a run for it’s money. Then again, if this was Morticia, that would most likely make Pinkie Uncle Fester.

“So have you two, y’know...” Pinkie waggled her eyebrows at her sister.

“Yes.” Deadpan as always, but I could almost see a bit of a blush on her cheeks.

“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really, really?”
“... Yes.” I looked up at the man in question, and noticed he was no longer looking at me, but was instead looking at the grey pony, the same small smile on his face.

“So, what was it like?” Pinkie blurted.

“Umm, Pinkie? Not really the time or place.” I cautioned. Not that I wanted to hear it any other time, and the last thing Pinkie needed was encouragement.

“It was... Different.” Ignoring me, Maud answered anyway.

“Oh, wow! So is he like, your special somepony now?” Pinkie started to bounce and grin, I just facepalmed. Harold just looked away, eyes rolled up towards the sky, the smile gone.

“No. It was just a fling.” The words made the pink mare stop bouncing, and the smile faded a bit as she listened to her sister. “We have come to agree we are just too different.”

I rolled my eyes at this. “You gotta be shitting me. You two seem like two pieces of a set to me. Hell, you even sound alike.”

Looking back up at me, the grey mare shook her head. “No. My first love will always be for rocks. He loved his land and his fields. We are too different. I was thinking of moving on soon.”

“You should totally come with us then! We are going on an epic adventure across the country to Walterland!” Pinkie was in full cheer mode again, and threw herself around her sister’s neck in a strangling hug. To her credit, the dark pony didn't even flinch, or show any other sign that she had a hyperactive cuddle parasite latched onto her.

“I’m not sure. There are so many places I haven't been yet.” Maud looked off to the horizon, her face once again a still mask.

“We are gonna cross the Grand Canyon, and then we are going over the Rocky Mountains!” Her pink sibling sang.

“Okay. I’ll go.” I swear I saw her tail lift up at the mention of mountains, and I’ve been around Pinkie long enough to learn that bit of body language. This pony either really liked rocks, or there was some subtext that I was totally missing.

“So, so I get a vote? It is my car after all.” I couldn't help but be a bit of an asshole, considering how I was being left out of the conversation.

“Oh please Louis! Can she please go? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?!” Pinkie begged, wringing her hooves together.

“Yea, sure. Whatever. Welcome aboard, Maud.” I held out my hand, and she shook it with her hoof. She even graced me with one of her Mona Lisa smiles.

“Ya stayin fer dinner then?” Once again, I jumped as Harold spoke up.

“W-what? Um, I dunno. We still got alot of miles to cover. We really should get going so we can make it to a hotel before nightfall.” I grumbled.

“Yer stayin fer dinner. Hunned miles an no hotel. Ya stay the night, leave tomarra.” With a nod, he turned to walk away, his tone brooked no argument. Watching him move was like seeing the sun set, slow and inevitable.

Turning to Pinkie, I just shrugged. “Looks like we’re staying for dinner.”

Dinner was nice, in the farm house located back from the road a bit. Turns out the lady that ran the store was Harold’s sister, Paula. The spread was good old fashioned home fare, like we used to get up on the mountain, and lots of it. The corn was the best I ever had.

“Sorry bout the little hassle with the gas, Louis. I thought you was one of them uppity city niggers from out east. They always come round startin trouble with their baggy pants and malt liquor.” She beamed at me kindly. The offhand way she dropped the N word left me baffled over whether or not to be offended.

“No ma'am. My Pa is a country boy from West Virginia. Good honest mountain folk. Granpappy was a coal miner.” I naturally slipped into my country accent that I used when visiting up home. It tended to save alot of trouble to talk country.

“Coal miner? My word, that is a hard workin’ profession. Sad how many die young trying to provide for their families.” The idle prattle just flowed over me, and it was like visiting my dad’s family all over again.

Harold just nodded along, his concentration on his food, while Pinkie prattled on in hushed tones, and Maud nodded along as well. Every so often I would see her glance at Harold or myself, but mostly she just looked at her food.

After dinner ended, and we were shown to a room by a smiling Paula, me and Pinkie finally got a moment alone. Despite my declaration that we were just friends, the room we were offered had a single bed, which Pinkie happily pounced on with a squeal.

“Pinkie, this sister of yours... What’s her story?” I started, sitting on the edge of the bed. Pinkie jumped up and draped herself over my shoulder and looked at me sideways.

“Whatcha mean, Louis? She’s my sister, and she’s awesome! She’s smart, funny, and a really hard worker. I know you will love her!” Nuzzling my cheek, the pink furball hopped back and slid under the sheets.

“Why is she so...” I grasped for the words.

“Not like me?” Pinkie finished in a quiet voice. I looked over to see her looking away from me. “I told you, I’m different. My family are all quiet and serious, but I’m happy and cheerful. Well, most of the time. It’s why I had to leave and move to Ponyville.” She shrugged and turned back, a small smile creeping back onto her face.

“Don't worry, you will like her. I can tell she already likes you.” Smiling brightly again, she patted the bed beside her. “C’mon Louis, lets get some sleep so we can get back on the road bright and early!”

Sighing, I slid into bed beside her. I reached and turned off the light, and was immediately gripped in a furry death grip as Pinkie rolled over to cuddle. “Not so tight!” I gasped.

“Oops, sorry!” she muttered, and nuzzled my chest.

I just sighed again and resigned myself to my fate. “Goodnight Pinkie.”

Breakfast was hearty and plentiful, and we were back on the road after a tearful departure. Well Pinkie cried, for some reason. Maud and Harold just nodded to each other, then turned away, stoic as always. Pinkie did her usual non stop chatter from the back seat, while Maud sat up front giving single-syllable replies. I only had the one pony-seat, but she seemed to be fine with using a human seat belt arrangement. At least, she never complained.

A short trip through Boulder, Colorado turned out to be a disappointment for both Pinkie and Maud. I tried to explain to them that the name of the town had nothing to do with actual rocks, but I was outvoted, and we visited anyway. Now we were sitting on the rim of one of America’s greatest sights, the Grand Canyon. Pinkie was dancing precariously along the sheer drop, while singing something about “Deep Wide Wonder”, while Maud just gaped in awe. I seriously think this is the closest I have ever seen the grey pony to showing emotion.

“Well folks, this is it! One of nature’s most amazing creations, stretching across the country in all it’s glory.” I grinned and looked around, taking a deep breath of the cool mountain air.

“It’s beautiful.” The monotone reply of the grey pony was almost tinged with wonder. Almost.

“You bet it is, Maud! It’s like Ghastly Gorge was all painted up with all the colors of a sunset, and then baked like the yummiest cake in all of Equestria!” Pinkie, poetic as always, chimes in. I can only nod in agreement with... whatever it was she said.

Nearby a small building is starting to gather a crowd, and I notice there is a man leading a small train of animals. He appears to be a Native American, and the mules he is leading just look tired. I wonder how my pony friends will react to what amounts to slavery of a sort, despite the creatures being non sapient. I don’t have to wonder for long.

*GAAAAASSSP!* “Ohmygosh!” Pinkie takes a massive inhale of air, before rocketing towards the domesticated quadrupeds. A few startle and take a step back at the sudden appearance of a yammering pink creature in their midst, but most just look on boredly.

“Hello guys, oh, and girl! My name is Pinkie Pie! Are you all mules? I like mules. Some of my best friends are mules. Do you live here? Is there anywhere good for parties around here? What do you all do around here? Why do you wear these funny saddles and stuff?” The rapid fire questions were met with amused looks from the other tourists, and bored indifference from most of the animals. I think one of them just pooped in front of her.

“Uhh, Pinkie? These are not Equestrian ponies, they can’t talk. I’m pretty sure most of them can't even think.” I put a hand on her back to calm her bouncing, and she looked up at me with a sad face.

“Speak for yourself, buddy.” From the middle of the herd came a gruff voice, as one of the mules stepped forward. He looked different than the others, not just in color, but in shape. He was closer to Pinkie by the looks of it, and I realized that I was looking at an Equestrian mule, or maybe a donkey.

“Wow, sorry there. Didn't expect to meet an Equestrian here, of all places.” I did a double take, as I realized that he was wearing the same saddle and tack as the other mules, and I started to feel a bit of anger that a thinking creature would be treated so. “What the hell did you do to end up here working like some slave animal?”

Shrugging, the creature rolled his eyes. “Eh, it’s a living.” Walking over to a nearby cooler, he pops the lid and grabs a beer, before sitting down on his rump. The other mules ignore him, while the tourists start to snap photos. “Name’s Buck. Owner pays me a good wage to be the novelty ride for rich folks. Ride a real Equestrian. It’s all legal, and he treats me well.” With a flick of his head, he chugged the beer like a frat boy, and the crowd cheers.

“Well damn. Sounds like you got a good gig here then. What made you come out here in the first place?” I smile as he passes me a beer of my own. Pinkie reaches out for one, but I bat her hoof away. The last thing I need is a drunk pony along a cliff edge.

“Rocks. I’m a geologist, and I wanted to study the earth rocks. No grant though, so I have to make ends meet. It is a pretty sweet gig.” I see his eyes widen as he looks over my shoulder. I turn to see Maud coming up behind me, a strange look in her eye.

“I like rocks too.” She stops beside me, and given that little smile of hers.

“I think I musta fallen off the trail, because there is an angel come to take me to heaven.” Buck whispered to himself as he stared in wide eyed wonder at the grey pony.

“Heya Buck! This is my sister, Maud. She like’s rocks too! Oh, duh, she already said that!” With a giggle, Pinkie grabs the stunned mule in a one armed hug.

“So, how much do you get for a ride, anyway?” I try to change the subject, which was getting rather uncomfortable as the two equines stare at one another.

“For you? Free, if this darling filly walks next to me.” He grins with a sappy look, causing Maud to actually blush.

“Okay.” Maud just steps closer, swishing her tail.

“Yo, Johnny! We got some customers!” Buck yells to the native, who is busy with the other tourists. He waves back in response, as he gives what appears to be a lesson in mounting the other mules.

Soon enough, we are all ready to go, when there is a commotion in the small crowd of people waiting to leave. The shrill cry of a child can be heard across the canyon as a little girl throws herself to the ground in a fit.

“No! I wanna ride the pink one! I don't wanna ride a smelly brown one! No, no, no, no!” I see the beleaguered parent, trying her best to calm the spoiled child, and strongly consider lending her my belt to handle the situation. Obviously this little hellspawn hasn't had her ass busted enough, to be putting on such a display in public.

“Honey, that’s not a mule. We can’t just ride ponies unless they let us. She’s probably a nice pony, and you are being a very bad little girl.” Looking our way nervously, the woman seemed on the edge of panic. “We really don't want her to sue us for harassment, either.

“I don't care! I am a princess, and a princess rides a pretty pink pony!” Flopping to the ground again, the child crossed her arms and glared death at her mother.

I see pink out of the corner of my eye, and turn to see Pinkie in a spotless saddle, and matching bridle. It’s the outfit from Halloween, and I have no idea where she had hidden it amongst our gear.

“Dafuck, Pinkie? Why are you wearing that?” I gasp, wondering if we will get arrested for indecency. Part of my brain knows that most people will never realize that what she is wearing is essential bondage gear, but the rest of me is mortified that I know.

“I like kids! Even spoiled rotten ones.” She shrugs and looks up at me, grinning. “Besides, this could be fun!”

“It’s your flank she’s gonna be kicking down the canyon.” I shrug back, walking over to finish my beer with Buck. The squeal of delight was just as loud as the earlier screams as the little brat got her wish. The mother looked relieved, and the rest of the party prepared to depart.

“You see, that’s why I am glad I can't have kids. Vicious little parasites, every last one of them.” Buck grumbled to me, before tossing his bottle in a bin. At this, Maud stepped closer, flicking her tail across his back, and getting a sappy grin from the mule.

The trip down the canyon was rather relaxing. Buck volunteered to be my ride, and this made things far smoother than any normal mount. I vaguely remember my parents complaining of sore behinds after the trip, but mine was like riding in an easy chair, with not a single bump. I was just happy that he was able to support me, although he was much bigger than Pinkie or Maud, he was still a bit small for a horse. With some coaching, I quickly learned to keep my legs tucked and prevent the inevitable dragging feet that I had expected.

The entire trip was also a learning experience, as Buck kept up a constant litany of information about every rock formation and plant encountered. I felt like I was riding along with an International Photographic special, and found myself interested in the story being told. I was never much for geology, but Buck made things interesting.

Maud apparently agreed with me, and stuck to us like a lost child. She seemed to hang on his every word, and took every opportunity to bump flanks with him as we made our way to the canyon floor. I’m sure I was not the only one to notice the raised tail and flushed cheeks, as Pinkie kept grinning at them with a strange look on her face.

After a quick lunch at the bottom, we made our way back up. The trip was pretty uneventful, as we were all getting rather tired as the day waned. The journey finally ended with us back at the start, and Pinkie being fifty bucks richer after she threatened to buck the brat she was carrying down the cliff. The little parasite caught on to her precarious existence, and was smart enough to straighten up. Her parents were extremely grateful for the change in their hellspawn’s attitude, and compensated the pink pony appropriately.

I’m pretty sure that Pinkie was only bluffing, but even Pinkie had her limits, it seems.

The departure was awkward, as Maud and Buck hugged. Buck was all smiles, while the grey mare seemed to glow with happiness. Well, I think I saw a smile. Maybe it was a trick of the light. We soon loaded back into the car, and onto the road to our next destination. For once, Pinkie was silent, and Maud seemed to be lost in her own world as she looked out on the passing landscape. A smile graced my own face as I drove along to our next stop. For one small moment, all was peace and harmony, and we were all enjoying the company of our own thoughts. Of course it could not last.

“Louis?” Pinkie whined from her set behind me.

“Yes, Pinkie?” I smiled and looked back at her in the mirror. I was in a rare happy mood, and was feeling more than a little indulgent.

“Um, can we stop again? I really gotta pee!” I facepalmed, looking over at Maud. In response, she just shrugged. Sighing, I started to look for the nearest rest stop. I didn't think we would make it to Vegas before nightfall anyway.

The morning dawned on a beautiful day in the desert. After a night crashed out in a cheap motel, we made our way into the center of sin, and all it’s glory. Sadly, even years of watching CSI did not prepare me for absolutely boring and ordinary Las Vegas looked in the daytime. most of the residents were hard at work, and the visitors were no doubt sleeping off the previous night’s debauchery. We convened at the local ‘Der Waffle Haus’, and proceeded to add another food establishment that Pinkie is barred from to the list when she not only broke the record for the waffle eating challenge, but also claimed the title of ‘Most syrup used’. Maud and I tipped well, but were still asked to never return.

“But I really like waffles! I can’t help it they ran out. It’s not like we didn't pay for everything!” Pinkie whined as we made our way back to the car.

“I don’t care, Pinkie. If you keep getting us kicked out for being a walking garbage disposal, then we are gonna run out of places to eat. Thank goodness we are only staying for one day.” I sighed, looking over at Maud, who just shrugged and sipped on her drink.

We checked into the hotel, right on the casino strip, and raided the local brochure stand for things to do. I vaguely remember my parents taking me to see a horse ranch, but decided that might be in poor taste with my current company.

“Oooh! I wanna go skydiving! I haven't done that in years!” Pinkie squealed, jumping up and down.

“Falling off a cliff doesn't count.” Maud broke in, in her usual monotone.

“Well there was the time I fell off of Cloudsdale, but the pegasuses caught me. How was I supposed to know the floor was still soft?” Rolling her eyes Pinkie presented her usual logic.

“The sign that said ‘Danger: Pegasi Only’ may have been a clue.” I had to chuckle at the dry delivery. Somehow the grey mare managed to redefine ‘Deadpan’.

“Well anyway, can we go, Louis? It says here we don't even have to jump out of a plane!” I took the pamphlet from her, and scanned through it. It advertized all the thrills of a skydive without the dangers. A massive air tunnel let you fly like a stuntman. The similarities to the tunnel in the chocolate factory made me shudder.

“Sure, why not. What about you, Maud?” She just looked at me, and slowly blinked.

“I don’t fly.”

“Aww c’mon sis! It’ll be fun!” Pinkie hugged her darker sister and beamed her best smile.

“I don’t fly.” Maud repeated in the exact same voice.

“That’s fine then, you can watch.” I shrugged. I was sure that somehow I would regret this, but it sounded like fun.

After shelling out the cost of the gear rental and the hang time, we took a short training course. Pinkie aced it easily, since she was used to doing all sort of crazy stuff in the air anyway with her pegasus friends. Myself, I took a little longer to get the hang of it, but was quickly passed for my ‘jump’.

It was amazing! I coasted along like a bird, hovering just off the ground as the massive turbine kept me aloft. Pinkie enjoyed herself by showing off, as she pony-paddled her way around the room as if she was in water. After a few minutes, we soon got the signal that our time was about up, and I reluctantly prepared to land. Just as me and Pinkie were making one last barrel roll, we saw Maud enter the chamber.

Pinkie cheered as she stepped onto the platform... and nothing happened. Maud’s hair flew upwards, and yet her body remained stuck to the cage floor as if by glue. We both quickly landed next to her, and she turned around next to me, still grounded despite the massive airflow forcing it’s way upwards. Both me and Pinkie shook our heads, and we exited the chamber, Maud close behind us.

“I don’t get it? How the hell did you stay on the ground?” Once clear of the noisy chamber, I asked the ever stoic Maud.

“I told you, I don’t fly.” Looking up, she just blinked passively at me.

“Um. Okay, I guess not.” I chuckled, and looked at Pinkie. She just shrugged, looking as confused as I.

Suddenly the instructor came jogging up to us, and whooped. “Wow, I don't believe it! Nobody has ever gotten in there without at least getting knocked on their ass. Here you go, missy. A full refund, and a free pass the next time your friend’s wanna go in.”

Maud smirked, handing the money and passes to me. I just looked down at them, and back at Pinkie.

“Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?” My face split in a monster grin.

“I think so Louis, but how are we gonna get the polar bear to agree to hold the wedding?” Pinkie blinked innocently at me.

“Wat?” I blinked back, my smile fading in confusion.

“I’m just messin with ya, Louis! Let’s go again!” With a cheer, we both hugged Maud, and headed back into the chamber.

Later that evening found the three of us back on the strip, finally seeing the sleepy town of Vegas unfold in all of it’s nocturnal glory. The lights, the magic, and more importantly, the casinos! Oh yes, the thrill of gambling was worth the agony of losing. That one win was enough to make you feel truly alive.

“So, where is Maud going?” I pondered.

“She says she doesn't like games of chance. She is going to find a more skill based game.” Pinkie responded. “I like chance though! And all the lights and bells and fun! It’s like a big old party game that never ends!”

“Ahh yes, but even better than any party game is, you can win some serious cash here.” I kneeled down and put my arm around my friend. “So what do you wanna try first? Slots? Roulette? Maybe some blackjack?”

“I don't think Blackjack is in this story. Oh, but maybe we can find LilPip! And then we can be all like PEW PEW! and shoot the radroaches!” Bouncing, Pinkie looked around excitedly.

“No Pinkie, I told you that was just a game. The real Vegas is not a wasteland, although most of the area around it is.” Rolling my eyes, I lead her along the rows of machines. “So, wanna try the old one armed bandit?”

“Is that anything like the one eyed bandit? If so, I think I’m gonna need a drink and some protection first.” Grinning at me, she winked to let me know she was joking this time.

“Dammit Pinkie, just pick a machine.” I sighed, flipping a coin in the air.

“Aww you’re no fun. Okay, ummm...” Sticking her tongue out cutely, she looked along the banks of machines. “That one!” bouncing over, she tapped a random machine with a hoof.

“Alright, here goes!” I dropped a coin into the slot, and pulled the lever. Round and round went the tumblers, and finally, they stopped on a totally random combination. “Aww, nothing this time.”

“So it again, do it again!” She bounced and grinned at me.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and repeated the procedure. The lights flashed, the tumblers tumbled, and then finally stopped. “Holy shit! Jackpot!”

As I yelled, the bells went off and the machine emptied it’s load into my lap. I hugged my little pony, and we happily collected the spoils. I was about to try again, when a hoof on my arm stopped me.

“Nuh-uh, not that one. It’s not gonna win for a long time, but that one over there is three away from winning!” Pinkie pointed to another machine down the row.

“What? Hell the hell do you know?” I raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.

“My Pinkie Sense! Itchy frog, tingling dock, and floppy ear means that treasure is that way, and soon!” Looking at me with her usual smile, I was wondering if she was messing with me again. I never once had a reason to believe in any of her Pinkie Sense bullshit, although it seemed to be happening more often of late.

“Sure, why not? We got at least fifty bucks here!” I made my way down to the indicated machine, and dropped a coin in. I pulled, it spun, and nothing happened. Rinse and repeat twice, and the bells went off. “Holy shitballs! Do you know what this means?”

“Uhh, that my Pinkie Sense was right?” She looked so cute when she played dumb.

“We are gonna clean up. With my good looks and your Pinkie shit, we can make enough money to travel the rest of the way in style!” I grinned, and her confused look slowly melted into a mischievous grin.

“That sounds like fun!” Suddenly her look turned serious. “But no! I vowed to never use my Pinkie sense for evil. I can't do it.” She crossed her arms and shook her head at me.

“Oh, c’mon Pinkie! When is the next time we are gonna have a chance to score big this time, and totally legit. These people take millions of dollars every day from hard working folks like us. It’s time we got a little payback!”

“No, it’s wrong, and I don't like it!” Still crossing her arms, she looked away from me.

“Okay, how about we take some of the money and donate it to the local children’s hospital?” I could see her starting to break, she slowly looked over her shoulder at me.

“Think of the children!”

“Okay, but I get to throw them a party too!” She turned and gave me a stern look.

“Deal!” I stuck out my hand, but she just lept into my arms and gave me a hug.

Half an hour later we were at the roulette tables. Pinkie was wearing a dealer’s visor, and a pair of blackout shades. I have no clue where she got them, but I had learned not to ask. A quick couple of slot games earned us some seed money, and now we moved on to larger game.

“Black.” She intoned next to me.

“You sure?” I looked at her. She didn't even look at me, just staring at the wheel though her shades. She nodded, and I bet it on black.

And won.

The night went on, with her giving me signals where to bet. A few times she bet herself, while I watched. Usually we bet on a color, but a few rares times she told me to bet on a number, and the money rolled in.

After a few hours, she seemed to get more nervous, until she tugged my arm leading me away. When I asked what was wrong, she just shook her head.

“Not now. Something bad, let’s go.” She hissed at me.

“Oh come on, Pinks! We are on a roll.” I laughed, a few drinks in me and feeling on top of the world. We had raked in several hundred thousand dollars, and I was feeling ballsy.

“Oh no, it’s too late!” She cried. I looked around and didn't see anything. We started to make our way toward the teller to cash out, but then I saw them. Several men in suits were waiting nearby, looking professionally pissed.

“Sir, you and the pony need to come with us.” A very muscular one said. He looked like a white Gerald Tyson, and had hands that looked like he wore skin-tone boxing gloves.

“Dafuq? Who the hell are you? I just want my money, then we will leave.” I tried to bluff my way out. Most places played tough, but couldn't afford bad press.

“I’m afraid not, sir. You and the pony will follow us now.” It was clear this was not going to be a request.

“Well fuck.” I sighed, and followed him.

We made it to a small room that looked like it was straight out of a police interrogation. The door was locked, and we were offered seats across from a guy that resembled Agent Smith. it wasn't until I heard the door click that my ‘Ohshit” sense kicked in, and I realized that nobody knew where we were.

“So, Mister Morgan. We would like to know how you did it.” The slow, lethargic drawl from the Agent Smith wannabe only reinforced the image.

“I ain't sayin shit. If I broke a law, then call the fuckin cops.” I sounded alot more hardcore than I felt, but it didn't even phase him. “And how the fuck do you know my name?”

“Oh, we know quite a bit about you, and your little pony friend.” Pulling out a small file, he scanned over a few sheets of printouts. I looked over to Pinkie, who was shaking like a leaf.

“Look, we didn't take anything, we didn't even cash in our chips. Just let us go, and we will call it even.” I was quickly running out of bravado. I just didn't want them to take my mouth away. What? That was some scary shit!

“I’m afraid not. We need to know what new trick you two have devised to cheat a seemingly random, foolproof system. You can’t count cards at a roulette table. How was it done? Manipulate the timing? Do we have someone in your employ betraying us?’ he leaned forward and laced his fingers. “I assure you, the gaming commission does not take lightly to cheating in this town. The taxes and revenue pay the salaries of every public official, from the police to the mayor.”

“I DID IT!” Pinkie finally broke down, crying. “I DIDN'T WANT TO! I swore I was never gonna use my Pinkie Sense for bad, but we were gonna give the money to the children’s hospital , so it was really for good, and I am so sorry. I don’t wanna go to jail, I’m too cute to survive on the inside!” She grabbed my collar and stuck her muzzle in my face in a panic. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO CUTE PONIES IN PRISON! I’ve seen the movies!”

Both of us were just staring over mouthed at Pinkie’s outburst. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. The agent didn't look too sure either. Pony prison rape movies? What kind of sick bastard would even write, let alone make something like that?

Suddenly the agent leaned back, putting a hand to his earbud to listen to something. “What? Are you sure?” He started to look very confused. “But we have them on surveillance! They were going to walk out with almost half mil!” He seemed to be getting pissed, and I was getting curious who he was talking to, as I tried to calm Pinkie down.

Finally he sighed, and looked back at us, his face once again an impassive mask of professionalism. “It appears you have friends in high places. You are being allowed to leave, and no charged are being pressed.” I just hugged Pinkie as she grabbed me in relief.

We were escorted out of the room, and to the front door. Just as we were leaving, there was a small group of suited men walking toward us, and in the middle was Maud, also wearing a black business suit, pinstriped, with a white rose in her lapel. She looked every bit a pony gangster boss.

“So. You two had some fun. It’s a good thing I own the Casino now.” She delivered the bombshell in her normal monotone voice, leaving me and Pinkie to sputter.

“B-but, what, who, how?” I blurted, glancing at the very serious looking men behind her.

“I won it from Ronald Chump, the owner. High stakes poker. It seems I have a very good poker face.” Her little Mona Lisa smile was back, before she turned and shook hands with a very famous man behind her. I finally recognized him as Ronald Chump, the billionaire. World famous for his money, bad hair, and television series, ‘The Intern’.

“You played a good game, Maud. I look forward to a rematch next year, so maybe I can win it back.” He gave a winning smile, and shook hands.

“I’ll be there.” With a nod, she rejoined us, and we walked back to the hotel in stunned silence.

I was so done with Vegas at this point, and we didn't even get to keep the money!

It was only a few more hours down route 15 to L.A. and the end of our journey, which passed mostly in blessed silence. I’m pretty sure Pinkie was nursing a hangover as bad as mine after we celebrated not going to jail, and mourned the loss of the money we had earned. Maud refused to let us keep it, or to go near the casino, but was kind enough to give us an open bar tab. Apparently letting a pony and a redneck near an open bar was still cheaper than letting Pinkie gamble. It was still a fun night, although I had to kick Pinkie out of my bed twice when she tried to crawl in with me.

I still wound up using her as a pillow anyway. Pinkie is best pillow. There, I said it.

So as the afternoon sun blinded the hell outta me over Los Angeles, because fuck mornings, we marveled at the object of our quest. “Well girls, Welcome to Los Angeles! Home of Hollywood, Smog, Gangland Crime, and best of all, Walterland!”

“Van Nuys? Where do I know that from?” From the back seat, Pinkie was looking at a map of our destination. I just shrugged.

“Maybe something from the internet, or a movie?” I guessed.

“I dunno, I get the feeling I really should know that area.” Somehow she managed to refold the map with a flick of her hoof, and then shrugged. “Whatever, I can’t wait to get to the park! I wanna ride all the rides, and see the little kids, and get my picture taken with Scottie!”

“Well, since we are getting in so late, I thought we would check into the hotel, and do a little sightseeing, then get to the park first thing in the morning.” I squinted into the glare and pondered if we would even get to do that. We were rapidly approaching the other thing that L.A. was famous for, the traffic jams.

“Awww, but I really wanted to go!” Whining from my passenger set my teeth on edge.

“We are going to be lucky to even make it to the hotel by sundown, judging by the traffic ahead of us, and the destination of the hotel relevant to our current location.” Maud gave her usual dry assessment of the situation. This seemed to settle Pinkie into a cute pout, and let me drive in peace.

Because fuck traffic.

Sure enough, the sun was just touching the horizon before we reached the hotel, which was now being paid for thanks to Maud’s new found wealth. We even managed to score a penthouse suite. Fuck yea, luxury! Needless to say, I think her geological studies would be well funded from here on out.

The night went mostly smooth, we hit a few bars. I was fine until Pinkie dragged me to a club where a friend of hers was performing. DJ Pon-3 laid down some pretty serious beats, mixing some modern and classic club music, while putting on a good show. It wasn't until I was there for half an hour before I realized my mistake. As I went to the bar for a drink, and got my dozenth strange look for the evening, I turned and looked over the crowd to see a whole lotta hair and boobs. In fact, I didn't see a single other guy in the place. There were a few pony mares, but not a single stallion either.

Suddenly my brain engaged, and I froze, looking at the name of the club on the coaster. ‘Miss Kittylick’s Nightclub’ adorned the little piece of cardboard, with a stylized cat in a martini glass. I facepalmed and started looking for Maud and Pinkie. Needless to say, it didn't take me long to find the pink party pony.

“Pinkie, can we talk a moment?” I nudged nudge her flank, trying to keep my face calm. She was of course surrounded by a gaggle of new friends, who were fawning over their lost girlhood dreams of owning a pony.

“Hey Louis! Meet all my new friends!” I could see most of them glaring at me with suspicion, although a few faces held curiosity. Even Maud seemed to have made friends with two goth chicks, who were busy stroking her hair. This strangely seemed to have no effect on the stoic pony, as she casually sipped her drink.

“I really need to talk to you for a moment, mmkay?” I tried to put my best winning smile on, despite my growing discomfort. The energizing beats from the nearby stage were now serving to bring on a stress induced headache, and my nerve was wearing thin.

“Okie dokie Louie!” Pinkie shrugged, and bounced after me. We managed to find a relatively empty corner, somehow, and she looked up at me expectantly.

“So, Pinkie. Who told you about this bar?” I asked, keeping my tone neutral.

“Oh, Dashie did! She said that if we ever got to Cali, I should bring you here, and that she had lots of friends here. Plus, with my friend Vinyl playing tonight, we can really party!” Bouncing in place, she happily grinned.

“Um, Pinkie, I think we have been pranked.” I sighed and facepalmed. “Have you noticed that there are no guys here?”

“Well yea, I thought it was ladies night! that’s why they have been giving me drinks at half price.” I noticed that she was leaning a little as she tried to look me in the face, and that her ever present smile was a bit lopsided.

“Pinkie, every night is ladies night here. We are in a gay bar. Specifically, a lesbian bar.”

“Ooooh. That explains all the pink pony jokes I have been hearing. I was wondering why most of them weren’t funny.” Her face screwed up into a cute frown. “I’m gonna have to prank Dashie back when we see her!” and the smile was back.

“So can we get outta here? All the estrogen is making my balls shrink.” I rolled my eyes. Normally hanging with the LBGT crowd didn't bother me, but some of the looks I was getting were downright hostile. It was time to take my pony and ride out of here.

You know what I mean, pervert.

A few minutes and many broken hearts later, we were outside the club, the thump of the music still making my chest vibrate. Maud now had a list of numbers, and Pinkie was holding half a dozen photos of her and her new friends. I had she sudden urge to watch wrestling, drink whiskey and listen to country music, and I hated country.

“Next time, lets not take any suggestions from Rainbow Dash.” I sighed.

“It wasn't so bad. I even got my mane braided.” Maud, eloquent as always, chimed in. I looked back to see her hair in an elaborate french braid. It looked kinda cute on her.

“Yes, well. If I ever want to become a gay rastafarian, I know where to go. Until then, lets call this a loss and get to bed.” I just sighed at the blank stares this got. “Let’s just go back to the hotel.”

The next morning dawned fresh and bright. I have never been a morning person, but seeing as we were three hours behind my normal time zone, it wasn't so bad. It was like getting to sleep in, and still make it on time. Me and Pinkie had shared a room, although she was a bit disappointed at the separate beds. It didn't stop her from using it as a trampoline while I got ready. I gotta admit, one of the best parts of traveling is getting to totally trash the room, and leaving it to someone else to clean up. It’s like being a kid living at home all over again. Sure, we left a tip, but we didn't have to make our beds, or pick up our mess. It was awesome!

Also, a nice hot shower with unlimited water does wonders to revitalize the soul. For once, I took longer than Pinkie, who usually has to add twenty minutes of blow drying her hair and fur for her grooming rituals. Hey, we were paying well for these rooms, so I was getting my money’s worth.

So, an hour later, we were ready to face the day. I had on my grungy “no fucks” look that I used to wear in high school. It was comfortable, and that's all that mattered. Old faded green shirt, and ragged khakis ending in Converse sneakers. I’d fit in with the local skaters easily. Pinkie being Pinkie, just wore a collar with a heart shaped dog tag she had picked up somewhere. It looked extremely cute on her, in a creepy BDSM kinda way. Otherwise, she was bare, save for her ever present saddle bags. And out the door we went.

In the hall, Maud was waiting for us, dressed in a new outfit I hadn't seen before. An orange turtleneck sweater with a red skirt that just covered her cutie mark and ass took the place of her normal blue one piece dress. What was the most startling was the thick-rimmed glasses perched on her muzzle.

“Whoah, Maud! I didn't know you wore glasses.” I blinked in surprise.

“My contacts are still dirty from last night. It takes a while to clean the large lenses.” Her typical monotone voice droned. “I keep the glasses for emergencies.”

“Yea, I remember mom and dad always complaining about how much your glasses cost, especially when I accidently broke them.” Looking rather sheepish, Pinkie pawed at the carpet.

“With eyes as large as ours, contacts are far more expensive.” Maud replied with a wry smile.

“Well then, if I ever am a pony, and need glasses, I’ll be sure to give a fuck.” I grinned dickishly. I was ready to get to the fun. “So if we are all ready, let’s get the show on the road!” With a cheer from Pinkie, and the usual silence from her sister, we were off to find adventure!

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I screamed in frustration. The sign on the gate read: ‘Closed for Maintenance’. It was like some horrible movie cliché All the hype and bullshit, only to be denied our goal.

“Wait, wait! I saw this in that movie. All we have to do is find the security guard, use your gun, and force him to let us ride all the rides! Then the owner of the park will come and forgive us and give us passes to ride all we want!” Grinning at her amazing plan, Pinkie waited for our response.

“What?” Both me and Maud managed to say at the same time, in the same flat tone of disbelief.

Oh come on! It worked in the movie!” She pleaded.

“Okay, I’m going to explain why that is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.” I took a breath and tried to remain calm. “First, it was a movie. Shit that happens in happy movie land does not work in real life. Second, if we tried such a plan, and we will not, it could get us arrested, and or killed. It’s assault with a deadly weapon, breaking and entering, kidnapping, and I’m sure they would think of some other charges that let them shoot us.” Pausing a moment to let my rant sink in, I held the bridge of my nose and counted to ten. Just as Pinkie was about to open her mouth to reply, I held up three fingers. “Third, and finally, I do not, not have I ever owned a gun. None of us have a gun, and none of us are going to get a gun since we are from out of state.”

“I have a gun.” Maud stopped my train of thought in mid rant, derailing my chain of logic in an epic catastrophe of mental rail cars that left miles of rail destroyed, and thousands of neurons stranded in the wilderness of my mind. It was all I could do to turn and stare at her.

“Wat?” I elegantly replied.

“I have a gun.” She shrugged, seemingly indifferent to my shock.

“Why would you have a gun, Maud?” Pinkie asked the question that was struggling to form in my mind.

“There’s alot of Klan activity in the midwest, and I heard they don’t like ponies. I wanted to be prepared.” Again the indifferent shrug.

“No. NO!” I shouted, as I saw the look on Pinkie’s face turn to one of smug happiness. “I already told you why.

“Aww, I wanted to go on the spinning D-cups.” Pawing at the ground, the pink mare whined in disappointment.

“I’m pretty sure that’s part of the Baywatch Experience, at Universal Studios, not Walterworld.” I grumbled. “I’d love to see some D-cups myself.”

“Don’t worry, I have this.” Maud responded, as she pulled a cellphone from... wherever it is ponies seem to pull things. I sure as hell don’t see any pockets on her outfit.

“Hey, it’s Maud. Yea. Uh-huh. Yea, I got them. They were sexy.” Both me and Pinkie looked at each other in confusion, as a very atypical conversation took place. Atypical for Maud, that is. “I need a favor. Yea, we made it, but it’s closed. That would be nice. Tell him I said thanks. Yeah, see you next year.”

The conversation ended, and she just stared back at us for a moment. “That was Ronald. He says he will call and have the park opened for us.”

Me and Pinkie waited for more, but she just kept staring impassively back at us, with only the occasional blink to indicate she was alive.

“Sooo? Now what?” I asked.

“What was sexy?” Pinkie pondered. Of course she would ask the wrong question.

“Now we wait.” Choosing to ignore her sibling’s query, Maud continued to stare at us as the curiosity ate away at our souls.

No more than fifteen minutes later, we heard the sound of a small engine coming towards us, and soon we were greeted by a pair of what I assume were park employees. A man wearing a white polo and blue slacks was accompanied by a redhead wearing a purple business outfit with pink nylons. Both wore colored scarves, and unamused expressions.

“Well when old Walt said we would be meeting folks, he didn't say there would be ponies. My name is Joe Frederiks, head of park security, and this is Anne Blake, operations manager for the park. I was enjoying a nice day off on the green, when we were called in to let some VIP’s tour the park.” Both of them shook our hands/hooves, and smiled tolerantly. They must have thought we were serious bigwigs to afford such treatment.

“I assume you have been informed of the reasons for the park’s closure? Are you here to investigate?” Anne asked me, apparently assuming I was the one in charge. I put on my best bullshit serious face and ran with it, hoping Pinkie knew enough to keep her mouth shut.

“We haven't been entirely briefed, so please do enlighten us. My name is Louis Morgan, and these are my associates, Pinkie and Maud Pie.” I paused, crossing my fingers that the ponies kept silent. Well, I knew Maud would stay silent, but Pinkie staying silent was like hoping the tide would stay out.

“That’s right! We are the Pie Sisters, investigator’s extraordinaire! Louis here is our human liaison, and research assistant. So what seems to be the problem?” Somehow, Pinkie had managed to produce a deerslayer cap and bubble pipe, which she was puffing on. Maud cocked an eyebrow at her, and I just rolled my eyes.

“Wonderful, that means you will be going in blind.” Joe sighed, “I guess they needed some fresh eyes on the investigation though, since my team sure as hell hasn't turned up anything.”

One long, boring explanation later...

Let’s face it, this chapter is already too long.

“So let me get this straight. Someone has been sabotaging the park, and you haven't been able to catch him? Not even on camera?” I asked in disbelief. “So are the rides dangerous?”

“No, not at all. It’s just annoying things, like sound systems sabotaged, so instead of happy family-safe music, we get porn soundtracks. The looks on the patron’s faces when they start hearing the moans was horrifying. It’s all we could do to keep them from suing.” Ann sighed, holding the bridge of her nose.

“And the cameras never show anything out of the ordinary. Whoever is doing this knows the security systems well.” Joe added.

“See Louis! I told you they had spinning D-Cups!” Pinkie grinned, bouncing next to me.

“Not funny, Pinkie.” I was lying of course, it was funny as hell. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the pair.

“So, we are here to ride the rides, and observe what happens. If you would be so kind as to let us in, we can help you find the cause.” I was still lying through my teeth if course. I didn't give two fucks about some creepy porn music, I just wanted to enjoy the park. As a bonus, we were getting in free, and with no lines! How awesome is that?

“Right this way.” The two led us into the park, and all it’s wonders. Joe gave some orders on his radio, and we got to see the park come to life, as the various attractions came to life.

“Wowie! This is like the birth of a new robot civilization, and not creepy in a haunted carnival kinda way at all!” Pinkie bounced ahead, and Maud just gave me a look. I rolled my eyes, unsure what else to do. Sometimes you just can't be sure if Pinkie is serious.

So as the day went on, we started to see more and more oddities. The Spinning Tea Cup ride has indeed been repainted to look like lacy bra cups, It’s a Small World was treated to some rather disturbing lyric changes, all the dolls were wearing bondage masks, Pirates of the Caribbean had the word “BUTT” painted in, and all the animatronics were now dressed in flamboyant drag-- it wasn’t that much different from the normal pirate garb. Needless to say, it was funny as hell.

And then there was the theatre. Captain Io had been replaced by the most disturbing thing I had ever experienced.

“I didn't even know they made 3D porn. I mean really, there are only so many body parts you can thrust at the audience.” I shuddered in disgust. “I feel violated.”

“Aww, it wasn't so bad. It was actually kinda educational. I’m gonna have to remember that pizza trick.” Pinkie grinned at me, and both Maud and I rolled our eyes. The other two seemed even more traumatized than me.

“Pinkie, if I ever come home and find you fucking the pizza guy, I will kick your ass.” I grumbled.

“It doesn't have to be a pizza guy.” She grinned even wider. I saw Maud make a silent gagging motion with her hoof out of the corner of my eye.

“Well then, that’s different. As long as she’s cute, and not under aged.” I grinned back at her.

Suddenly she stopped, going completely rigid, and then lifting one leg while pointing like a hunting dog. “That way! My Pinkie Sense is picking up somepony trying to do something naughty!”

“Your what?” Both Joe and Anne said at once.

“Trust me, it’s weird, but it works. Just try to keep up!” And like a flash, Pinkie was off. The rest of us ran like hell to keep up, except Maud, who seemed to lag behind, walking in her usual sedate pace. We quickly lost her around a corner, and were too busy trying to keep up with the pink bouncing blue in front of us.

“How the hell does she move so fast while bouncing like that? It’s like chasing a bloody kangaroo!” Joe panted as he did his best to keep up.

“Dunno. Always hyper. Too much sugar.” I gasped as I ran as fast as I could.

Finally, the pink dynamo stopped in front of a door, again taking on the rigid pointer stance.

“That’s the door to the maintenance hall for Flash Mountain. What on earth could they be doing to that ride?”

Quick with the keys, we were inside and groping in the dark. It took a few moments for our eyes to adjust to the darkness from the bright California sun, then we began the slow search. Pinkie and I paired off, while Joe and Anne went another direction. Most of the complex was tunnels and store rooms which were all locked. We did manage to find the break room, and clean out the fridge. It seems that Walterland treated their employees well. Free beer and soda. as well as a variety of snacks and microwave treats.

“Mmmm! These are yummy!” I looked over to see Pinkie with her face in a box, munching away.

“What are those?” The box proclaimed them to be ‘Poni Snax’ with genuine Equestrian ingredients.

“I dunno but they taste amazing, wanna try some?” Looking up at me, she grinned with crumbs all over her face. I held back a laugh, as I took one of the offered treats.

I smelled it, not noticing anything special, a little spicy, otherwise it looked like a small brown cookie. I remembered reading that almost anything Equestrians could eat was safe for humans, and I doubted the FDA would let dangerous foods be mass produced. Popping it in my mouth, I bit down, and my eyes grew wide. It was like the best gingersnap I had ever tasted, with a slight chocolate aftertaste.

“Holy damn, Pinkie, these are awesome!” I grinned and grabbed a handful more. They even tasted good with the beer I was drinking.

I was polishing off my third beer, a much needed relief after the hot sun, when we heard a yell from deeper in the complex. We both dashed off toward the noise, and the sound of a scuffle, rounding a corner to see Joe and Anne just ahead of us.

“What happened?” I yelled.

“Dunno, it came from the pump room!” Joe yelled back over his shoulder.

We arrived to see a rather bizarre sight. A man and a woman were tied to what looked like a giant phallus, while Maud sat staring at us from in front of the couple. A pony was also hogtied nearby, with her mouth gagged, glaring daggers at the grey mare.

“Dafuq?” while inelegant, my outburst summed the scene up perfectly.

“I caught them.” Maud replied. “They were trying to rig the water canons to shoot fake ejaculate onto the ride when it took photos.”

“And we would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling ponies!” The woman declared.

“Sam? Barbra? What the hell are you two doing here?” Anne asked the couple.

“We are exposing the sins of this horrid place for all the world to see! No longer can Walterland pretend to be the pristine family friendly place, full of innocence. It’s all a lie, and the lie will be exposed!” The man screamed at us, froth flying from his lips. With a quick motion, Maud slapped duct tape over the mouths of both prisoners, then resumed her post.

“I take it you know these jackasses?” I turned to our hosts, and sighed.

“Yea, we know em. Sam was the chief architect here for a few years. Designed half the security systems. When Walterland Studios bought some shares of a porno studio, he went apeshit and started protesting. We had to fire him. Him and his wife Barbra showed up in the news a few times, then disappeared. I really shoulda seen this coming.” Joe sighed, and started dialing the phone.

Meanwhile, Pinkie started laughing uncontrollably, rolling on the floor. “Hahah! Seen it cumming!”

I have to admit, it was immature, but I giggled a little. Then again, I was a little buzzed. It was good beer.

The next day found us back at the hotel, exhausted, but in generally high spirits. After the police were done grilling us, we were released. We all received lifetime park passes for our help in solving the mystery, but it was time to go home.

Pinkie was busy munching on another box of Poni Snax, which she has snagged from the park break room, and I was sorely tempted to join her. Instead, I turned to the matter at hand.

“So what you gonna do now, Maud?” I asked the stoic mare.

She just looked up at me and smiled that smile for a moment. “I think I am going to go back and find Buck. Him and I have alot in common, and I was thinking we could study rocks together.”

“Ooooh! My sister has a crush!” Pinkie sang, causing her darker sibling to blush furiously.

“Well, I wish you the best of luck, Maud. If you are ever out east, you are always welcome at our place.” I started to shake her hoof, before changing my mind and pulling her into a hug.

“GROUP HUG!” Pinkie shouted, causing both Maud and I to wince, before we were both crushed in a pink vice.

“Ack! Pinkie, the ribs!” I squawked.

“Oops, sorry! So when are we driving home?”

I blinked at my roommate, and thought over the long strange trip we had taken, and all the miles going back.

“Fuck that, we’re flying home!” I declared.

Feeling Pinkie Green

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{A/N: I neither condone, nor participate in drug use. This was written as satire, because while I don’t condone it, I don't really care either, as long as it only affects the user. Also, drugs are funny! That being said, I do drink alot. Does that make me a hypocrite?}

Coming home from my new job felt good. I didn't have to deal with customers all day, and I actually was allowed to use my brain for something other than thinking up reasons to not kill my boss. My new boss loved me, my coworkers were in awe of my skills, and the pay raise wasn't bad either. So with a spring in my step, I opened the door and stepped into... a disaster.

“Dafuq? Pinkie! What the hell happened?” It looked like I had a localized earthquake, as everything was knocked over and moved around. When one is as organized as I tend to be, they notice things. As I passed through the kitchen, I saw the fridge open and empty; discarded food packages everywhere. I continued into the living room where I could hear the TV on and a familiar giggling coming from the couch.

“Pinkie, what the fuck is going on? Did you have a kegger and forget to invite me... again?” I glared at the pink pony as she giggled, peering up at me. She was covered in food stains, and she had grass and all sorts of trash tangled in her hair.

“Oh hiya Louie! Did you bring any food, cuz I really got the munchies!” She started to get off the couch, but I could see she was having trouble with the way her belly looked distended. After a few tries, she managed to wobble to her feet, and stumble over to me.

“Hey, you know what? I like TV. It’s really funny. And you know what? I like you. You’re warm.” She proceeded to rub her head on my thigh like a giant pink cat, and purr. I looked down into her eyes which were bloodshot and half lidded, a dopey grin on her face as she rubbed against me. “Pet me Louie!”

It all clicked, and I remembered the other birthday present my uncle had given me. “Oh shit, my stash!” I bolted to my room, leaving a rather off balanced Pinkie to fall on her face with a giggle. I dug in my closet, feeling for the secret latch, and opening the hidden compartment. I gently extracted the small hand carved wooden box, and opened the lid.

Before me sat a glorious sight. Half a pound of the purest, stickiest, greenest Jamaican bud, still sealed in it’s airtight container. I didn't partake very often, but the few times I did it was only the best. I sighed with relief, as I could see Pinkie hadn't gotten into my weed, but then was puzzled as to what she was high on. That she was stoned out of her pony mind was quite obvious: squinty red eyes, munchies, and generally acting stupid. Who the hell got my little pony stoned?

I carefully replaced the box, and made my way back to the living room. Pinkie was laying on her back, batting at her own tail like a kitten, and giggling like an idiot. I stalked over to the TV and turned it off.

“Alright Pinkie, spill it. What the hell are you on, and who sold it to you?” I squatted down to look her in the eye. She stopped swatting at her tail, and looked at me, the stupid grin still on her face, and her eyes unfocused.

“Relax Louisisisss. I’m fiiine. Just feelin’ a little silly today.” She stuck her tongue out at me, then suddenly became fascinated with it as her eyes crossed.

“Pinkie, I can see you’re stoned, so what are you on? I don't need any cops knockin on my door!” I grabbed her muzzle and made her look at me.

“‘m not stoned, silly! There’s no cockatriceses here. I just feel a li’l funny. I was gonna make a salad, and I was lookin’ for herbs in the garden, and suddenly I had the munchies!” Slurring her words a little, the plastered pony seemed to be talking at a normal rate for the first time since I met her. It was like she was drunk and stoned at the same time. I had to wonder if somebody had slipped her something, or maybe sprayed something on my plants.

As for plants, it took me a moment to remember. I never was much for gardening, unlike my parents. My dad could grow almost anything, and my mom had a lovely herb garden she used for her cooking and potion making. Oh god, what if Pinkie ate something my mom planted?

Running out to the back yard, I spotted the garden. It had gone to seed, and was looking rather shabby looking from lack of care since my mom had left, and now it looked like someone had taken a lawn mower to it. I could see uprooted plants and broken greenery everywhere. From the looks, Pinkie must have rolled around in the plants for some time. I couldn't even tell what was growing there anymore.

I decided it was time to get help. If Pinkie was sick from something out here, she would need medical help. I rushed into the house, and found my roommate laying upside down on the couch, once again watching TV as she drank a bottle of water with a straw.

“No Roundbob, don't go in there!” she yelled, as a familiar yellow character came onto the screen. I suddenly realized that she had been laughing like him earlier too. This creeped me out more than it should.

“C’mon Pinkie, we are gonna go get you some help.” I turned off the TV again, and got a whine from the pony.

“Aww, I don't need any help. I just need a belly rub! RUB MAH BELLEH!” She bellowed as I approached her.

“I’m not gonna rub anything. I’m taking you to the hospital to find out what’s wrong with you.” I tried to bend down and pick her up, but suddenly she rolled away from me.

“No! Not the docs! Stinkin white coats all wanna probe you, and stick needles in you, and touch you in the no-no place!” She backed away from me, arching her back like a cat and hissing. Her eyes were wide, and her hair was starting to straighten from it’s normal curls.

Lunging for her, I fell onto the couch as she lept over my head, bouncing off my butt and landing across the room. I heard a crash, and turned around quickly to see she had landed face first into the coffee table, and seemed to be out cold, aside from the occasional tail twitch.

The things I do for my friends.

I managed to pick her up, having forgotten that despite her stature, she weighs as much as me. Lugging the dead weight out to my car was a chore, and I could feel myself sweating by time I got her strapped in for the ride.

It was a quick, frantic ride to the hospital, and I was in no mood for the normal traffic. Luck was on my side, and no cops saw me pulling of half a dozen illegal maneuvers as I rushed to my destination. Arriving at the emergency room, I ran inside and looked for the nearest person wearing white.

“I got a sick pony in my car, you treat ponies here, right?” I was praying they didn't tell me to head to a vet or some special pony hospital.

“Yes sir, we treat ponies here. Can they make it on their own, or do they need assistance?” A perky blond behind the counter smiled at me. Her co-worker gave me a long suffering frown, and shoved clipboard at me. Blondie must be the newcomer here.

“She took a facedive off my couch and is out cold. She’s sick from something and acting all loopy.” I looked down at the form, realizing I didn't know most of the information. Hell, I didn't even know her age, let alone birth date or home town.

“There is a paramedic coming out now to help you, please fill out as much information as you can.” The older woman deadpanned, with the lifeless voice that only comes from years of working with an uncaring public.

“Thanks! Umm, I don't know most of it.” I shrugged.

“Just fill out what you can. Does she have ID?” the younger woman piped in.

“Umm, to be honest, she probably does, but I’ll be damned if I know where she keeps it, or any of the other crap she seems to pull outta thin air.” I rolled my eyes, wondering where the paramedic was.

Giggling, the younger woman rolled her eyes back at me. “Sounds like you are friends with Pinkie Pie. She was always doing stuff like that in the show.”

“Well maybe that’s because it is Pinkie Pie?” I threw my hands into the air, and gave an exasperated sigh.

Suddenly all eyes were on me, and the yelling started. “Code Pink! Someone get doctor Stable in here, stat! Johnson, get that gurney out here now!” And like that, the emergency room was in an uproar, and I was following the paramedics out the door to my car. Pinkie was still out of it, and they transferred her to the mobile bed, and rushed her inside. It was all I could do to keep up.

“Vitals look good, eyes are dilated and red. Dammit, we got another ‘regged pony on our hands!” The paramedic shouted, as we were rushed to an examination room.

Suddenly I was outside as another pony came up to me and cleared his throat. “So how long has she been using? And we need to know if it’s home grown or some crap off the street.” I looked down to see a beige unicorn with salt and pepper hair and tail. He also looked like he hadn't shaved in a few days, nor slept in as long. Most noticeably was the cane he was levitating, and the brace on one of his rear legs.

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you, and what do you mean, using? What the fuck is wrong with her?” I threw my hands in the air, and looked in at my friend who seemed to be coming around, and was now chatting with one of the nurses with a goofy grin on her face.

“I’m Doctor Stable, chief of pony medicine here. And if you say a word about my resemblance to that human doctor show, I will kick you in the kneecaps. I have enough diplomatic clout that nobody will even stop me.” He huffed and leaned in his cane as he glared at me. “So I’m gonna ask again, how long has she been using?”

“Using what? I came home and she was like this. I mean what’s your problem?” I glared back at the gruff pony, crossing my arms. “Who are you to...”

“Who am I?” he interrupted, “Who am I? I’ll tell you who I am. My name is Doctor Granite Stable. I graduated top of my class from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, then again from the Canterlot Center for the Study of Medicine. I spent forty years at Canterlot General, becoming the head pathologist for not only ponies, but with a degree in griffin, donkey, and even zebra medicine. I ran an entire hospital, with a flawless record of having never lost a single patient under my care, before being offered the position of personal physician to Princess Celestia herself.” The unicorn unleashed a review of his credentials, before sneering at me and leaning forward to continue. “I then spent five long years in that illustrious position before discovering the embarrassing fact that alicorn princesses never get sick. It was nothing more than an honorary retirement for ponies with exemplary careers in the medical field. I then promptly told the princess to shove the job up her sunny flank hole, and demanded I be allowed to do some real medicine again.” He paused for breath, and I was about to respond when a single raised eyebrow stopped me.

“So then, when the chance to come to earth and study human medicine was offered, I got the job, and have spent the last three years becoming one of the foremost leaders in both human and pony medicine in two worlds. That. Is. Who. I am.” he punctuated each word with a rap of his cane on the floor.

“Now, would you like to know anything else? My favorite color? Where I was born? Perhaps my cutie mark story?” he continued to glare. “Or, can we get on with helping your sick pony friend in there?”

“Uhh. Damn doc, I was just wondering why you are so rude. Your bedside manner sucks.” I rubbed the back of my neck, thoroughly chastised.

“Yes, well when a patient shatters your leg in six places, it never really stops hurting. Unlike the fictional buffoon that everyone compares me to, I am not a pill popping addict, and the pain makes me just a teensy bit grumpy. So for the last time, tell me about your friend, because I doubt I will get a straight answer from her.” he tapped his cane again and waited for a reply.

“I honestly don't know. She’s lived with me for almost a year, and she’s never been like this. What’s wrong with her?” I peered into the room, where Pinkie was busy staring at her tongue, eyes crossed and drool dripping from her mouth.

“Oregano. She’s high as a kite right now. If she hasn't been on it long, there may be some hope.” He looked into the room as well, sighing. “The friggin Element of Laughter is a ‘reg head’.”

“Woah, woah, woah! Oregano? Like the shit I put in spaghetti sauce? I’ve seen her eat it lots of times, and never acted like this. Hell, she once made a pizza that was nothing but italian herbs and cheese.” I looked over at the doctor in disbelief.

“What rock have you been living under? It’s been all over the news for weeks.” He sighed and leaned against the doorframe, still looking at Pinkie, who now had a bucket of popcorn from somewhere, and was munching away as she stared at the beeping heart monitor at her bedside.

“Some genius found out that ponies react strangely to earth oregano. What’s stranger is, only fresh oregano has the effect. Dried, cooked, even reconstituted is harmless, but the fresh stuff acts like a combination of catnip, marijuana and ecstasy. It’s highly addictive, and the ponies quickly become hooked. What’s worse is the crash.” Shaking his head, the doctor looked down at the boot of his cane. “She may be all goofy and happy now, but when it wears off, all the happiness will drain from her, leaving her a hollow shell of a pony. Depression, sadness, even pain in some cases are left behind until the system restores itself to balance.”

“Oh damn, is there anything we can do?” I ask.

“Well... How well do you know her?” The unicorn cocks an eyebrow and looks at me.

“Well she’s my best friend, and she’s been with me for almost a year, like I said.” I shrugged.

“No, I mean how well do you know her? As in, how close are the two of you?”

“I guess, as well as anyone can know another?” I shrugged again.

With a sigh, the unicorn shook his head. “I mean are you sleeping together? Have you bumped cuties? Hot to trot? High Ho Silver?” He must have mistaken the blank look of shock on my face as one of incomprehension, because he went on, “Are you having sexual relations with this pony?”

“No! Seriously doc, no! Why is everyone so damn obsessed with me screwing around with ponies? We are friends, we live together, nothing more.” I shook my head and growled.

“Okay, okay, calm down son. That would have just made things easier. If you could just take her home and screw her brains out, the endorphin flood would help her ride out the worst of the withdrawal.” Scratching his head with his cane, he looked up at me again. “She have a coltfriend?”

“Not here on earth, that I know of. Fuck man, your bedside manner really sucks, you know that?” I rolled my eyes.

“Well, then you are in for a long strange trip, my friend.”

Suddenly Pinkie was in the doorway hugging the doctor. “No silly doc! That was last chapter! This chapter is Feeling Pinkie Green!” and then just as fast she backflipped back into bed.

“Damn, son. I do not envy you the pain you are gonna have to endure.” He shook his head again, and muttered darkly. “Let’s just hope she doesn’t have and suicidal tendencies.”

“Oh fuck.” I suddenly remembered her friend telling me about a near-fatal party and a poisoned birthday cake, and my blood ran cold. I quickly told the doctor about it, and his face fell.

“Yea, I’m sorry, but it sounds like you’re screwed.” Fishing around in his pocket, he offered me some candies. “Now might be time to reconsider your feelings about ponies.” And with that, he stepped in to talk to Pinkie personally, now that the nurse gave him the all clear sign.

“Fuck, he has the worst bedside manner ever.” I muttered to myself.

Quickly after it’s discovery, the use of fresh oregano as a narcotic has spread among Equestrians. The import has been strictly banned since then, although some plants were smuggled through the portal before the discovery was made, and a growing underground traffic has spring up on the pony homeworld. On Earth, the control of the substance has proven much more difficult, due to it’s effect being limited to Equestrian ponies only, and it’s long history of use as a common food ingredient.
With the speed that only the modern information age can provide, the use and terminology for oregano has exploded around the world. Slang names have been introduced into the everyday vocabulary, and grow constantly. Names such as ‘Big O’, ‘Pony-Nip’, and ‘Reg’ are commonly used on the street and online. The use of the substance is known as ‘Regging’, ‘Getting Spiced’, or sometimes ‘Grazing’. Users are commonly referred to ‘Reg Heads’, or ‘Pony-O’s”.
It is an interesting fact that the common garden herb only seems to have an effect if consumed raw, and that drying or cooking renders it harmless to ponykind. This masked it’s insidious nature for a long time, until it was discovered by a simple gardener that a pony friend had passed out while tending his garden. It was not until months later, after his friend was admitted for severe depression, that the full impact came to light.
The common effects of Oregano on the Equestrian pony are euphoria, sensory amplification, loss of inhibition, and increased appetite. It has been compared to the effects of Marijuana, Ecstasy, and Catnip. The affected pony will become more friendly, often rubbing or hugging those around them, and some rare cases of premature heat have been reported in mares. Brain function seems to become impaired, while coordination suffers as well.
Sadly, the true dangers of the drug are not the initial effects, but the symptoms of withdrawal. After a short high, the pony inevitably crashes severely. Depression, pain, light and sound sensitivity, as well as general malaise are the usual symptoms. This often leads to a vicious cycle of addiction, where the pony will seek more oregano to regain the euphoria. Several severe cases of unsupervised withdrawal have been recorded as ending in severe depression, and eventual suicide.
It is strongly suggested that any pony under the influence of the drug seek treatment immediately. the longer the patient is under the influence, the worse the eventual withdrawal can be, an the higher risk of a fatal reaction. Friends and family are encouraged to help and monitor recovering addicts, to alleviate the severity of the crash.
If you or a somepony you know has tried oregano, please report to a hospital for treatment as soon as possible. Treatment, friends, and loved ones may be the difference between life and death.
-American Journal of Public Health

Reading the report I found on the internet did little to make me feel better. Pinkie was fortunate that she had only been exposed the one time, but I was warned that the urge to eat more would be a continuing problem for the near future. I would need to stay vigilant, and make sure she didn't relapse until the drug was completely out of her system.

The first thing I did, of course, was to attend to my garden. This was a much harder task than it seemed, since my garden had been left to run wild in the years since my mother left, and oregano was a rather hardy and invasive plant. I found runners and sprouts everywhere, being only contested by the mint that fought for control of my small garden. A few hours of hard labor later, my garden was a bare patch of earth. Maybe I would plant some flowers later. Pinkie loved to eat flowers, especially daisies and daffodils.

The next day, I went back to the hospital where they were holding Pinkie for observation. The pony that they wheeled out to meet me was so different from the normally bright and cheerful mare I had grown to know, that I almost mistook her for someone else. Her light pink coat was dull and greyed, as if someone had rubbed ash into it, and her chaotically curly hair was straight and limp. Her playful blue eyes, always full of mischief and laughter now looked bloodshot and dull. It was as if they had wheeled a living corpse out to meet me, and it broke my heart to see her this way.

“Pinkie? How ya feeling, kid?” I asked, hesitantly.

Slowly her hundred yard stare lifted to meet my own, and focused on my face. It was a few moments before she responded, as if it hurt to talk. “Hey Louis. I feel like shit.”

I blinked in surprise. The use of profanity was shocking from the normal child friendly mare, and the voice that spoke it sounded like she was still recovering from a nasty cold. It spoke of pain, and perhaps more than a bit of screaming in her recent past. There was no life or energy left to it, only sad resignation.

“Damn Pinks, you sound like shit too. Let’s get you home, get you some of that ice cream you love, and watch some kung fu theatre, okay?” I leaned over to give her a hug, only to have her flinch as I touched her. i pulled back, and saw a flicker of a smile try to make it’s way through the pained grimace.

“Mister Morgan?” The nurse addressed me, “I’m afraid that Miss Pie will be more than a little sensitive for a few days. The withdrawal will leave her sore and irate for a while, and she will most likely be dealing with some depression as well. The Doctor told me that he already gave you a prescription for what she needs, and that if you cannot obtain it, try chocolate.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing very well what the doctor prescribed, and that I was not about to offer it to her. It was a good thing I kept the house stocked on chocolate. Having a hyperactive female in the house meant always having chocolate. Hell, that was true of any female, really.

“C’mon Pinkie, let’s get you home.” I gently knelt down to help the pink mare out of the chair, only to have her flinch away from me.

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed, stumbling away and toward the waiting car. Both me and the nurse were speechless as the mare climbed inside, buckling herself in and staring straight ahead. I shook myself out of the little shock, and took one last glance back at the nurse, who was still staring with her mouth open, before climbing into the driver’s seat.

As we pulled off, I heard a soft sob, and looked into the rearview mirror to see Pinkie curled up against her flaccid tail as she cried quietly.

At home, I walked my roommate to her room, and gently tucked her into bed. Her eyes blinked at me, red and puffy from crying, but her smile was genuine. An extra large bowl of double chocolate fudge surprise ice cream made it even bigger, as she dug into the indulgent mess. Her hair even managed to regain some of it’s normal curl by the time she had finished, and I kissed her on the forehead goodnight.

“Thanks Louis. You really are my bestest friend, you know that?” In a quiet voice, she thanked me. “I’m sorry I made you worry so much.”

“It’s fine, Pinkie. Just rest up, and get better, and we can throw you an All Better party.” I tousled her hair, getting only a mild flinch from the contact, before leaving her to rest.

A few hours later, I was awakened from where I was snoozing on the couch by a slamming door. Falling off the couch, I scrambled to see what was going on, only to hear giggling from the kitchen. As I entered, found the refrigerator door open, and the contents strewn across my floor, and a very strung out looking pony in the corner.

“Pinkie, what the fuck is going on?” I yelled, trying to make sense of the mess. Her hair and fur were back to normal, although it was now covered in dirt and leaves.

“Oh hiya Louis! I was feelin really, really bad, so I decided I needed something to take the edge off. That’s when I remembered I left some of that yummy salad in the fridge for later! It was only a little it, but it did the trick. I feel much better and totally pinkerrific again! But then, when I went to the garden to get some more, the garden was all gone.” She frowned a bit at the memory. “But that’s okay. We can plant a new one, and it will be super duper awesome!”

“Oh god, Pinkie! You had more oregano in the fridge? What the fuck were you thinking?” I stumbled to the mess on the floor, finding a small bowl labeled “Super Salad” laying open and empty.

“Well actually I was feeling alot like cutting myself, or maybe jumping off a cliff, but those are bad, bad negativerooni thoughts. Those aren't Pinkie thoughts at all! But now I feel all happy, happy, and tingly again.” Her insane grin was a little lopsided as her head drifted a bit askew.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I gonna do with you?” I flinched as she began rubbing her head against my leg like a cat.

“Well I can think of a few things you can do with me. Or to me.” her voice suddenly grew thick and husky as she peered up at me with half lidded eyes.

“Dammit, not this shit again.” I stumbled toward the phone and called the hospital.

A few rings later, I heard a gruff voice on the other end of the line. “Lemme guess, the laughing pony relapsed, didn't she?”

“W-what? Doctor Stable? How did you know?” I stuttered.

“They always relapse, I had the nurse give you my private line. Look on the bright side, at least she didn't kill herself.” I heard him sigh. “Look, just give her some ipecac, plenty of water, and keep her away from any more drugs. She will be fine in a few days so long as she stays clean.”

“Wait, shouldn't I bring her back to the hospital? She’s really messed up!” I cried.

“No need. She hasn't had any long term exposure, so the drugs will work their way out of her system on their own. Now stop wasting my time and go help your friend. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.” Suddenly I was left with a click and dead air as the line was disconnected.

Twenty minutes later had me reliving my college days as I held my friend’s hair out of her face while she emptied her stomach. She was looking considerably greener, and a bit less crazy.

“Ugh... Louis, don't think I like that medicine. I feel all icky-sicky, like the time I ate those baked bads.” As the heaves subsided, she groaned in misery.

First I made her brush her teeth, and then I gave her a bottle of water to drink. It took some doing, but she drank most of it. After that we sat down on the couch for a good long talk.

“Dammit Pinkie, what the hell were you thinking?

“I dunno Louis. It just hurt so bad, I couldn't stand it any more. I felt all icky, and sad and all these nasty thoughts kept popping into my head. I was all sad and lonely, and even when you touched me, it hurt.” Sobbing, the pink mare gripped me like a drowning victim.

“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay now Pinkie. We will get through this. I’ll be here as long as you need me, and you will get better.” I gently stroked her mane as she sobbed into my shirt. I continued to make soothing noises, as I turned on the stereo with the remote for some relaxing music. I almost laughed as the first song to play was one of my favorite Bob Nesta songs. It was equally parts ironic, and fitting as the master of reggae assured that everything was going to be alright.

My mind went back to my mother, telling me stories of growing up with the near mythical singer. She had met him as a kid, and they remained good friends until his death. She always described him as being one of the most laid back people she has ever met, and yet with a fiery passion in his eyes whenever he spoke about the freedom of his people. As the music of my mother’s homeland flowed over us, I could feel it too. I could even almost believe the teasing jests that he was almost my father.

Soon Pinkie’s sobs and shaking stopped, as the song came to a close. I looked down to see the pink angel sleeping in my arms, and felt my heart skip a beat. Careful not to wake her, I picked my friend up and carried her to her room. I paused for a moment, staring at her garishly decorated room, looking as if Barbie had regressed to a pre-teen and decided to go into interior design. The memories of what Pinkie had said came back to me. Thoughts of cutting herself, and how alone and sad she felt made me change my mind. With a sigh, and a feeling that I would regret it, I turned on my heel and instead carried my charge to my own larger bed.

Carefully, I slid her under the covers, and tucked her in. I shook my head and swiped my hand slowly down my face as I asked myself once again, “Dammit Pinkie, what am I gonna do with you?”

I quickly retrieved the little blue canary night light from her room, in case she woke in the night, before stripping down to my boxers. After a second thought, I upgraded to full pajamas, just in case her mood went the other way and she got any ideas. Rolling my eyes one last time, I slid into the bed beside her, and was immediately latched onto. I gasped in surprise, ready to reprimand her behavior, before I realised that the party pony was still asleep, and softly whimpering. I instead sighed wearily, and stroked her mane until she drifted back into silence, and my own exhaustion claimed me.

I awoke the next morning, a little achy from laying on my back, and with a damp drool stain on my shirt. Pinkie was nowhere to be found, and I quickly jumped out of bed in a panic. I soon heard the sound of a frustrated yell, and the crash of something being thrown. Following the noise, I found a straight haired pony glaring at the broken pieces of my phone on the kitchen floor.

“Pinkie, what the fuck are you doing now?” I growled. It was definitely too early for this shit.

“Oh, it’s you.” She turned to glare at me, venom dripping from her voice. “Come to poke fun at the crazy pony some more? Or are you just gonna tease me until I cry again?” With a sniff, she wiped away the tears that were staining her fur.

“Pinkie, I dunno what your malfunction is today, but I’m here to help you. I’m your friend, and I care about you, so will you please chill the fuck out and let me help?” I sighed. “Start by telling me what’s wrong, and why you felt the need to take it out on my phone.”

“Help? HELP!? Oh, what a load of horseapples. You are probably like my other so-called friends. They all won't answer my calls! They are showing how they really feel now. ‘Silly little Pinkie, so good when you need a pratfall, or a party thrown.’ but when I need help, they don't care!” Her voice reached a fevered pitch as she started to pace the floor and rant:

“And YOU!” Whirling to glare at me again, “You say you care about me, but you never show it! I pour my heart out, and all you do is push me away. Are you gonna tease me some more, so my heart keeps breaking? I bet you get your kicks out of leading me on, making me love you and then pushing me away whenever I get too close!”

I closed my eyes for a moment, so i wouldn't have to see that hateful, hurt glare, before sighing and kneeling to take her in my arms.

“I do love you, Pinkie, but just not the way you want me to.” I tried to hold her for a hug, but she pushed me away with a yell.

“Don’t touch me!” She scrambled away from me, backing into a corner where she started to cry.

“What’s wrong? You always love it when I hug you.” I sat on the floor, unsure what to do next with her erratic behavior.

“It hurts Louis! Why does it hurt?” She mumbled between the sobs.

“What hurts? Tell me, I can't help you unless you tell me.”

“The light is too bright, the sounds are too loud, and everything hurts when it touches me. I woke up with my head pounding, and I keep having these mean, nasty thoughts. I just want it to stop so I can go back to being happy Pinkie again.”

“Okay, I think I understand. The doc said this is the side effect of the stuff you were on. He said you will be very sensitive to everything, and that you will get really depressed.” I tried to reach out to her, but stopped when she flinched.

“I’m not depressed anymore. Now I’m angry. I just feel so angry and alone. I keep getting thoughts about making it all stop. I just want it to stop!” she sobbed wetly, and wiped her nose on her arm. “I keep thinking about the knives in the drawer, and how my friends won't have to bother with me being silly and crazy anymore once I’m gone.”

“That’s not true, and you know it! Your friends all love you.” I ran my hand through my hair and stood up. “Do you have any idea how many of them have threatened to wreck my shit if I ever hurt you? The Princess herself sent me a warning that involved banishment and imprisonment in the place I was banished to if I screwed up. For fuck’s sake, I’ve had klan members that were more subtle.”

“They only act that way because I’m the Element of Laughter. They need me in case some big nasty thing appears and they need me to giggle at it.” Growling, she turned away from me like a petulant child. “None of them really care. Nopony really loves me. I’m just silly little Pinkie, the Random.”

“Well, I don’t really give a shit. I love you Pinkie. You are my best friend, and the only person I have ever shared my life with. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends that meant far less to me than you do. So what if I don’t wanna have sex with you? You will always be like my little sister, and I won’t let anyone hurt you. Even you.” I nodded, and stomped off to the bedroom.

A moment later, I had a bottle in one hand, and a glass of water in the other. A now-silent Pinkie was looking at me strangely. I offered the glass, and a small pill for her to swallow.

“What, you gonna poison me? Make it nice and quick so I don’t have to annoy you anymore with my crying?” She was back to glaring again.

“Just shut up and take the damn pill. You aren’t the only one that has problems. I used to get the shit beat out of me on a weekly basis, just for being a smart black kid. I also had a smart mouth, and people hated me for it.” I slid to the floor as she took the pill and returned to glaring at me.

“I wasn't always the well groomed and charismatic man you see today. I was too smart, too black, always too something. I got picked on, alot. And eventually it got to me.” I shrugged, as her eyes showed disbelief, but she remained silent.

“I tried to kill myself. It was stupid, it was selfish, and it was stupid.”

“You said stupid twice.” she muttered.

“Well it was extra stupid.” I held up a cool looking tattoo on my forearm. “Plenty of people thought I was a big Henry Potter fan when i got this, but it was to cover up the scar.” the twined snake tattoo hid the scar well. “The docs sent me to counseling, and gave me some meds. They call it Fukitol. It worked, until I got my head screwed on straight again. I keep em around in case I ever have a relapse. Now it’s your turn. You have the meds, and tomorrow, we will both go see my therapist. He’s a pretty cool guy.” I grinned evilly. “I do gotta warn you though, he may try some hug therapy on you. He’s a bit of a brony, and a big fan of yours.”

“You know, suddenly I really don't care, Louis.” Blinking, she looked at me with a wry expression.

“Good! That means the pills are working. Now give me a hug.” I grinned even wider as the pony threw herself at me, and gave me one of her bone crushing hugs.

“Thanks Louis, I really needed your help.” Sighing, Pinkie whispered into my ear.

“No worries, Pinkie. I’ll always be here for you.” I winced a bit as her hug tightened on my ribs.

“Oh, and Pinkie?” I muttered.

“Yes, Louis?” Came her glib reply.

“Just this once, it’s okay if you touch my ass.” I replied.

Letting out a girlish squee of delight, the pink pony in my arms slid her hooves down my body, and clutched at my firm, muscular buttocks. It wasn't so bad, actually.

“Greetings! My name is Quentin Andrews, and I play the character you know as Louis Morgan.”

“And I’m Diane Pinkerson, and I play Pinkie Pie!”

“We hope you enjoyed this episode, and wanted to bring to you a very special message. Every day, many people...”

“And Ponies!”

“...and ponies, are facing problems like this. Drugs have become commonplace, and effect all of us. We did this episode to help teach everyone about the dangers of drug use, and to help the families and friends of these poor souls cope with the damage that is caused.”

“Also, the judge ordered use to do it as part of our community service, otherwise he was gonna throw the book at us! That really hurts too. I once had Twilight throw a book at me, and I couldn’t taste purple for a week!”

“Diane...”

“A whole week! Can you imagine how awful that was? And all because I walked in on her reading her special books and enjoying her ‘Twilight Time’.”

“Diane!

“I mean really, it’s a public library, after all. Put a sign on the door or something, right?”

“PINKIE!”

“Oh, sorry Quentin.”

*sigh* “Anyway, we just want to tell all of you, don't do drugs. It’s just not worth it, and you only hurt yourself and the ones you love.”

“Except weed...”

“Oh, fuck yea. Weed is totally cool.” *fistbump*

--The End--

Bonus Scene

“So let me get this straight. Miss Pie here, a non-native alien species, was coming down from drug withdrawal, suffering from severe depression, and you thought it would be a good idea to administer her a highly experimental antipsychotic drug that not only had never been properly been tested on Equestrians, but didn't even pass trials for use on humans? Does that about sum up what you told me?” A man with thinning grey hair sat in an overstuffed armchair, glared at the pink pony and the brown human in his office. He was wearing a white lab coat, over a knitted sweater, brown pants and loafers. The other human in the room was looking rather uncomfortable, while the straight haired pony seemed to be entirely disinterested in the world around her.

“Yes, pretty much Doctor Williams. I didn't know what else to do, and they worked so well on me. I figure what’s the worst that could happen?” Louis shrugged, and the doctor flinched at the words. Pinkie just looked back and forth between them, her face expressionless.

“The worst that could happen? She could go insane, or die. Or she could go insane, and die! Half the patients we tested that stuff on did go insane, which was why the tests were stopped.” The doctor rolled his eyes.

“Or, I could have gone insane, found a knife, and made my way to a local hospital, where I would go from room to room, slitting the throats of every person I came across as I systematically execute every last one before a crack team of police swat officers storm the building, only to be forced to put me down with a well placed shot to the head from their expert sniper.” In a slow, methodical voice that reminded Louis of Pinkie’s sister Maud, the mare explained a much worse scenario. The look of absolute horror on the faces of both humans made her pause.

“What? You asked what the worst that could happen. That would be much worse.” Slowly, and indifferently she shrugged, her face still an impassive mask of disinterest. Three seconds later, she blinked.

“Seriously doc, she’s the one that needs help. Why the hell am I even here?” Louis huffed. “I’ve been fine ever since you discharged me, and I haven't had to take the Fukitol since then. The only reason I kept it was in case of relapse, but it’s been six years!”

“You are here because you could go to jail for giving her those pills, and I could lose my license for not reporting you.” The doctor growled in frustration. “Besides. You are clearly enabling her as her roommate and closest friend, and just as much a part of the problem, as well as a possible solution. So you will come to these sessions, you will sit through them, and you will keep on coming until I deem that you are both fit to be discharged from my care.”

“Yes, Doc.” Louis sighed. “Just help my friend, that’s all I ask, and I will do whatever you say.”

“Don’t worry. Studies have shown that pony psychology is almost identical to that of humans most of the time.” The doctor chuckled and leaned back farther in his chair. “Just remember to name the kid after me.”

“Dammit doc, that’s not funny. We are not fooling around. Pinkie is just a good friend, I swear!” Crossing his arms, Louis sat back in the chair and glowered.

“Well, I believe your friend’s smile says otherwise.” The therapist gestured over at the pony. Louis looked on as his friend, who for the last day had showed no signs of emotion or interest, was suddenly smiling at him with a bone chilling smile and bedroom eyes.

“Oh, fuck me...” He exclaimed, while facepalming.

You May Now Kiss the Brides

View Online

Hangovers suck. I mean, sure, they also mean you kicked some serious ass in the arena of party-going, but they are still nature’s way of reminding us of our mortality after our brief brush with invincibility. Today was no exception as I wished once again for the ability to kill every bird within a mile radius with my mind. At the very least, let me make it rain or something so the baleful glare of the morning sun would stop torturing me for my sins.

Yes, this truly was hell. Forced to endure the painful sounds and searing light of early morning as punishment for my night of hedonism. It didn't help at all that I had an incredibly soft and cuddly plushie to curl up against to comfort me. One that was all warm, and furry, and snoring softly.

“Whadafuq?” My eyes shot open, only to be filled with pink. Light and dark, an unending wall of pink assaulted my tortured orbs as I blinked them into usefulness. Dehydration and lack of use rendered this an uphill battle as I tried to focus my abused eyes on what was before me. To my horror, the mass of pink resolved itself into the erratic form of my roommate’s hair and face as she slumbered peacefully in my arms.

“Oh god, what did I do?” I tried to think back on the previous night, only to have my mind screech to a halt on the edge of an abyss of missing memory. I clearly remembered telling Pinkie about our amazing windfall, in the form of almost a half million dollars revenue. It seems that the casino had no right to withhold our winnings, seeing as there was no way to prove we had cheated. It also helped that all winnings were taxable, and the government wanted their cut, so they were happy to help us. Even after taxes, it was an insane amount of money, Pinkie and I decided to celebrate.

And celebrate we did... But that was where it began to get fuzzy. I remember being at a bar, and buying everyone a round, and then another, and then we danced. I think I may have sang something. Then nothing. My mind was a blank.

I rolled out of bed, nearly falling over as my abused brain decided to rebel, and enlisted my stomach in the cause. I quickly dashed for the bathroom and made it just in time for my last meal to make a break for the entrance. It was not going to be a nice day.

After a quick brush and rinse, I stumbled back into my room where my my pink companion was just regaining consciousness.

“Ugh, Louis, why does everything hurt so much? And my mane. My mane feels like it was pulled out and glued back on.” Shaking her head, Pinkie winced in pain. “I feel like that time I let Twilight talk me into potion testing experiments. I didn't even know what a futanari potion was, but it tasted terrible, and hurt like heck.”

“A better question is why are you in my bed, and what the fuck happened last night?” I grumbled, handing a cup of water to my friend as I flopped on the edge of the mattress.

“Oh! I don’t remember, and my head hurts worse when I try to think about it.” Suddenly her eyes went wide, as they met my own surprised look, and we both had the same thought. “Did we...?”

I reached down and scratched my balls, then gave the resulting hand a sniff. I relaxed as I detected nothing but sweat, and the smell of New Spice body wash. “Nope, I don't think we did, Pinkie.” I was never more relieved to smell ball sweat in my life.

“Eew, gross. But I think you’re right. I’m pretty sure I would feel it if I had that thing in me.” Nervously, and a bit disappointed, the pink mare chuckled and slid off the bed. She made her way into the bathroom as I shrugged.

“Aww shucks, now yer makin me blush.” I joked.

“So what the hay did happen then?” Her voice drifted from the bathroom.

“Fuck if I know. We went out, got trashed, then woke up. That's all I got.” I sat back on the bed, then fell back with a sigh.

A moment later I heard a flush, and the brief sound of a sink running. Pinkie came out looking only slightly less disheveled, as she made her way over to me.

“So, if we got drunk, but didn't make out, how did we wake up together, and what the hay happened last night?” Leaning against me, she lay her head in my lap and sighed. Suddenly I felt her perk up as she lifted her head. “Hello? What’s this?”

Walking over to the nightstand, she picked up an envelope that was open. Shaking out the contents, she grabbed ahold of the paper within, as something metal rang against the nightstand. I immediately sat up and reached out for the paper in curiosity.

“The hell? Pinkie, this is a marriage license, and these look like wedding rings. But I can't read the crazy pony language it’s in. What the fuck did we do last night?” I nearly yelled, feeling my panic rise.

“What? Are we married? That's... well that’s not so bad, is it?” Sounding kinda hurt, she took the paper from my hand and looked it over. I was too shocked to argue. “Umm, Louis. Why are there three names on here?”

“What!?” I snatched the document from her hoof and looked it over. Sure enough there was room for more than two names, and three of them were filled. I then looked at the top of the form, and saw that it was on letterhead from the Equestrian embassy. “Is this shit even legal? Last I checked, Polygamy wasn't allowed in the US.”

“Well it is in Equestria. It’s very old, and not many follow the tradition anymore, but we used to call it “Herding”. A single stallion was allowed to marry as many mares as he could provide for. My great auntie Pie was in a herd with three mares, until they found out the stallion was cheating on all of them and divorced him. Wait, who else did we marry, anyway?”

“Ugh, will you guys please shut the buck up? I’m trying to sleep over here!” Both of us turned in shock as the pile of blankets at the foot of the bed spoke up. Carefully I leaned over, and peeled back the top layer to reveal a splash of rainbow underneath.

“Rainbow Dash? What the hay are you doing here?” Pinkie squeaked in surprise.

“Oh, hiya Pinkie Pie. I’m trying to sleep, of course. So if you two could keep it down a bit...?” With a roll of her eyes, she grabbed the blanket and collapsed back into unconsciousness.

Raising my eyes to the ceiling, it took all my strength not to facepalm. “Oh fuck me!”

A few hours, a shower, and a few cups of coffee later found the three of us around the kitchen table. Rainbow Dash seemed to be just as confused as anyone about what happened, only remembering joining us at the party, and some heavy drinking.

“Ugh, I don’t get it? Why the hay would I do something as stupid as this? I mean, Pinkie, maybe. She’s my gal pal, and we go way back, but you?” She shrugged and rolled her eyes. “No offense, big guy, but like I said last time, you just ain't my type.”

“Hey, I’m just as confused. I’m not even into ponies, and I sure as hell never would have married more than one woman. I mean, hell, one at a time is enough trouble as it is!” I leaned back in the chair, sipping on my morning motivation.

“Well, it’s not too bad guys. I mean, what’s the worst that can come of it? Is being married really that bad?” Pinkie asked, sounding more than a bit desperate.

“YES!” Both me and Dash replied at the same time.

“I can’t be tied down! I’m not even looking for a relationship. Not after...” Briefly, a pained look flashed across the blue pony’s face. “I just don't wanna be married, is all.”

“Yea, me too.” I agreed. Maybe if I ever find the right woman, and we spend a few years together. Till then, I’m a muthafuckin Freebird!” I held out a hand, and got a righteous high five from the winged pony.

“Buck yeah! Freebird!” Dash cheered.

“Aww, well.” Looking crestfallen, Pinkie looked between us. “So what do we do now, guys?”

“Simple, we go down to the courthouse, or wherever, and get this shit annulled!” I stood up. and tossed back the coffee. “You girls get ready, I’m gonna get dressed and so we can get on with our lives. Our separate lives.”

A short ride to the courthouse proved fruitless, as the document was signed under Equestrian law and jurisdiction. We were told to bring the matter to the embassy, and file a petition there. Another ride across town, and some quick name drop from two national heroes, found us before the head clerk of the embassy.

“So, are you three lovebirds ready for your honeymoon in Canterlot? You girls have a free pass, but I’m afraid the gate pass for your stallion still isn't ready yet.” A nauseatingly yellow pony said from behind the desk, giving us a strange look. “I did tell you it can take a few days, even with your connections, Mrs. Dash. Or are you taking the earth custom, and going by your stallion’s name now?”

“Buck that noise! I will always be the awesome, one and only, Rainbow Danger Dash!” Dash seemed downright insulted at the idea of taking my name. I shrugged, not really caring or understanding the feminist shit. My mom took my dad’s name, and it never made her any less a woman. My dad liked to joke that she also got his balls as part of the deal.

“Seriously, I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, lady. We all woke up with a marriage certificate, and not a damn clue where it came from. None of us can remember last night, and we just wanna get it annulled.” I crossed my arms and looked at her impassively.

“Aww that's a shame. I was actually hoping that herding might be catching on here on earth. You all seemed so happy, I was tempted to join you.” The mare started to give me a really creepy rape face as she licked her lips. “He really is a sexy hunk of man, isn't he?”

Pinkie giggled, and nodded, getting a glare from me. “Yeppers, he’s a real stud.”

“Not helping, Pinkie.” I growled.

“Tell me, is it true what they say about the dark skinned ones?” The creepy pony asked, wagging her tail.

“Yes.” Both me and Pinkie said at once.

“What?!” Dash and I yelled, glaring at Pinkie in surprise.

“Aww, c’mon Louis. We both know I’ve peeked on you in the shower. And seen you dress. Watched you sleep. It’s not creepy...”

“The fuck it ain't!” I barked. “We will discuss your issues with boundaries when we get home. For now, lets get this shit over with.”

Sighing, the yellow mare put her head on her hoof, and put on the bored look of civil servants everywhere. “Fine. As I told you all last night, there are laws and regulations in place to prevent frivolous marriages, especially between species. It is a major commitment and a bond that cannot be undone, according to traditional laws. However, as these are modern times, an annulment or can be performed, providing the fines and fees are paid in full.” As if boredly reciting a memorized speech, the mare rattled off.

“Fines and fees? How much are we talking about?” I threw my arms up, completely frustrated.

“Well the fee is Ten thousand bits, Equestrian. At the current exchange rates...” Pulling out a calculator, she started pushing buttons. “That will be fifty thousand dollars.”

I heard a thud as Rainbow Dash hit the floor. There was a ringing in my ears, and I’m sure I smelled smoke. The room was totally quiet, save for the low hum of the ventilation. And then I swallowed, hard.

“The fuck is wrong with your ponies?” I asked in a strangled voice.

“Hey, you were told all this, and it was in the paperwork you signed. If you ‘Can’t Remember’ any of this,” The mare air quoted with her hooves, “it is not the responsibility of the Equestrian government to correct your mistakes without just compensation. So pay up, fifty grand US, or ten grand Equestrian. Otherwise, I wish the three of you a long and happy marriage. May Luna bless your union, and may Celestia grant you many foals.” With that, the pony turned, and pretended to be very engrossed in a file that was on her desk.

“Well fuck.” I responded, turning to my companions. Pinkie looked rather hopeful, while Dash looked pissed as hell. “Wait, wait, wait. I’m rich, bitch! I grinned at my friends, remembering the massive amount of money I had in my bank, thanks to Pinkie’s freakish ability to predict things and win and gambling. “I have at least 300 grand left in the bank. What’s fifty grand? I pay the fees, and we can all get the fuck on with our lives.”

“Hell yea! I mean, I’d help myself, but they kinda cut me off after that whole mating season fiasco.” Dash chimed in, smiling. “I still get money from endorsements and all, but the whole ambassador gig kinda crashed and burned after that. No matter what I say, the Equestrian government is still pissed at me for making them look bad.”

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “I dunno who’s fault this is, and at this point, I don’t care. Let’s hit the damn bank and get this shit over with.”

“Sure, sure, if that’s what you really want.” Pinkie sounded like the pony version of a kicked puppy, but that didn't stop both me and Dash from glaring at her.

“Yes!” Again, both Rainbow Dash and I responded vehemently.

*Sigh* “Fiiine...” Pinkie groused, before following us out while dragging her hooves.

“WHat the fuck do you mean, I’m overdrawn?” I felt my temper flare as I glared at the bank manager. Withdrawing fifty grand wasn't something you could do at an ATM, so we needed to spend some time talking to an account manager.

“I’m sorry sir, but our records indicate that your account is overdrawn by $213. I strongly suggest that you deposit enough to cover the deficit, to prevent any fees from being charged.” The small man stared impassively at me, wearing a suit and tie, as well as the fakest hairpiece I have ever seen.

“You have gotta be shitting me. I had over 300 grand in the bank. Even after the taxes and some partying, I should have a small fortune.” I rubbed my eyes with my hands, praying to wake up from the nightmare. “Where did it go?” I asked with a false calm that I definitely didn't feel.

“Well, I wasn't here at the time, but the records indicate that you and your two, umm, companions, came in and withdrew most of the money, with the rest on a check. We simply did not have that much cash on hand to give it all to you at once.” Typing something on his terminal, the weasley looking man turned his monitor around to face me. Clicking a file, he started what I assumed was a recorded video feed.

“Hey, put all my money in this bag...” I saw myself and two familiar ponies giggling.
“I’m sorry sir, but we simply do not have that much cash on hand. You will need to wait several days to such a large withdrawal.
“Hey! It’s his money! If he wants to take it all out, you have to give it to him.” Rainbow Dash flapped crookedly, and glared at the tallish man behind the desk. Her voice sounded a bit slurred, and her wings didn't seem to be flapping in sync.
“I’m afraid there is nothing we can do. We just don’t have it.” A woman came up and whispered into the man’s ear, and he shook his head. “No, miss Lane, I don't think we need to alert the authorities.”
Meanwhile, Pinkie seemed to be rubbing herself on my leg like a cat, as she stared off into nothing from half lidded eyes. It was clear that all three of use must have been wasted drunk.
“So how much do you have?” I heard myself ask, only slightly slurred.
“Well we have $100,000 we can give you, and perhaps we can give you the rest as a cashier’s check?” The man sounded like he was bargaining with an armed robber.
“Yea, sure! Gimme my money. We got a wedding to plan, and a party to attend.” I saw myself reach down and scratch the pink pony behind her ears as she leaned into me in an entirely feline gesture. Dash, meanwhile, was overing over my shoulder and giggling as she wrapped her hooves around my neck.

The video ended, and the monitor was turned back away from me. I felt sick to my stomach and slumped back into the chair.

“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do, Mr. Morgan. You have every right to your money, and this bank did it’s best to advise you against the withdrawal. You refused that advice, taking your money. What you did with it afterwards is none of my affair.” Leaning back, he steepled his fingers, looking like some old Bond villain. “If you claim to have ‘forgotten’ what happened to the money,” he air quoted, “then I would suggest you retrace your steps and find what you did with it.”

“Well fuck me.” was all I could think to say.

A few moments later found us trudging out of the bank. Pinkie seemed troubled, but Rainbow Dash looked haunted. She dragged her feet as she looked off into the distance. I wasn't sure which one to talk to first, and to be honest I was too pissed to care.

“Uh, guys?” Dash finally spoke up. “I think I have some explaining to do.” In response, I just raised an eyebrow, and crossed my arms, trying to look calm.

“Yea, well.” She swallowed, acting nervous. “I think I may know what happened. Not to the money! I don't remember either.” She waved her hooves to stop any response I would have given. “You see, when Pinkie told me she was gonna throw this massively epic party with all the money you guys had, I wanted to help make it the best party ever. I told a few of my friends back in Cali, and they said they had something that would make the party totally radical!”

“You slipped us drugs?” I answered flatly. It wasn't the first time I had been Mickeyed, but I had never missed this much time.

“No! Uhh, I mean, maybe.” Sighing, she looked at the ground as she kicked at it with her hoof. “Yes. But I didn't mean for this to happen! My friend said it was harmless. It was just supposed to let us loosen up, and have more fun. So I kinda slipped it into our drinks when you guys weren’t looking.”

“What? How could you, Dashie?” Pinkie looked ready to cry as she stared in shock at her friend. “Especially after all the trouble I had with the oregano. Why would you even think of doing such a thing? I thought you were my bestest friend!”

As her eyes teared up, I knelt down to give her a hug, while glaring at the pegasus. While she looked remorseful, I was too pissed off to care.

“What the fuck did you give us?” I growled.

“I’m sorry! I honestly don't know! The guy said it was all natural and harmless. I trusted him.” She growled herself, pounding one hoof into another. “I trusted him! When I get my hooves on that son of a mule, I’m gonna pound him flat!” Suddenly she looked up, pain clear in her eyes. “I’m sorry guys, I gotta go.” And before either of us could respond, she was off in a blur of feathers.

“Well that was unexpected.” I quipped sarcastically. I was more than a little annoyed, but at the same time having the object of my current ire out of sight would help me focus on the problem at hand.

“You bet! Some Element of Loyalty she is. Flying off when we need her and such. Wait until Twilight hears about this!” Pinkie stomped, glaring in the direction of the fading rainbow contrail.

“Whatever. We need to retrace our steps. Think! We went out drinking, then what?” I pondered aloud as I stroked my goatee.

“Well let’s ask the bartender! The pony running the party is always supposed to keep an eye on the guests in case somepony gets a little too much.” Pinkie grins and bounces in front of me.

“You got a point.” I grinned at her. “To the Pub!” we both chorused at once.

“I already told ya, Louie. You and your little furry friends were fine when you left my bar.” Joe continued to sweep the floor as he talked. getting ready for the evening’s customers. “Your dad would kick my ass if I let you go home wasted. You and the pink one bought a few rounds, then the rainbow one showed up. You all drank a few shots, then said something about going to see a show.” The bartender shrugged and leaned on the broom a moment. “It did seem like the pink one was getting a little grabby, but you didn't complain, and you are a grown man. You all seemed fine when you left. Hell, I’ve seen you and yer pa crawl outta here in worse condition.”

I sighed, in defeat, and ignored Pinkie’s pout at being referred to as “The pink one”. “Okay Joe, thanks anyway. Do you know what show we were going to?”

“Not a clue, although the way the other friend of yours was looking at some of the guests, I would think it was something involving poles and a catwalk. Might wanna start there.”

“Why would Dashie want to walk a cat? She hates cats.” Pinkie chimed in.

“I think he means the strip club down the street, Pinkie.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why would you strip a cat? For that matter, why would the cat be wearing clothes?” She looked even more puzzled as she did that cute head-tilt like a demented puppy.

“Haw! There’s no cats there, but for a fee you can see some pussy!” Joe cackled and continued cleaning. “Good luck there Louie! Sounds like you finally managed to drink yourself stupid.”

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck you too, Joe.” I smiled and flipped him off as I headed for the door. “C’mon Pinkie. We gotta see a stripper about some cash. This isn't gonna be fun.”

“Okie Dokie!” Pinkie bounced along after me, as we left the sound of a chuckling bartender behind.

Walking into a strip club before hours is like walking behind the curtain of a magic show. All the things you never get to see are normally hidden by the dark and alcoholic haze, or the distractions of the music and the entertainment. Now, with the house lights on, and no crowd or performers around, every stain, puddle, and unidentifiable smear was exposed. It was like visiting a crime scene in one of those cop investigation shows. I’m not sure I will ever be able to come back here again.

Who am I kidding? I love titties!

“Eew! I’ve cleaned up after plenty of parties, but it never looked this bad.” Pinkie groused as she tried not to step on anything. Or in anything. I made a mental note to remind Pinkie to wash her hooves before touching anything.

“Yea, well that's why you come to a place like this and throw your money at people instead of doing it at home. Have a good time, then go home while someone else cleans.” I grinned at her, earning a scrunchy face of disgust.

“It’s still gross, and yet we came here last night? I don’t remember.” Sidestepping a mysterious puddle of some sort, she sidled closer to me.

“Well, the owner remembered us, and he says the girl that was serving us is in the back. Hopefully she can shed some light on what happened.” I patted her on the head and made my way to the back of the stage area.
Luckily the owner knew me, and owed me a favor, and I was on good terms with the rest of the staff, considering I had gone to school with most of them. College girls gotta pay for an education somehow, right? We made our way to the dressing room, where I could already hear some voices.

Knocking got an immediate response. “Louis! Pinkie!” all the girls chorused. We were quickly pulled inside where several of the show girls and a smattering of female servers were in various states of dress. One thing about strippers is, they are rarely shy about nudity. I was in heterosexual male heaven. Pinkie was quickly latched onto by a pair of girls who giggled as they dragged her deeper into their den, while the alpha female presented herself to me in full stripper regalia, specifically a thong and a smile. I was a bit too distracted to hear Pinkies cries for help as she was carried away.

“Louis! It’s so good to see you back so soon. We can't thank you enough for all you have done for the girls.” She smiled proudly, a playful gleam in her tits. I mean eyes. Keep looking up. Keep looking up.

“Imawhaja?” I drooled. “What I do?” I smiled stupidly, like a child being told he just earned a reward.

Did I mention how much I love titties?

Chuckling huskily, she must have seen where my eyes were drifting, as she started doing that thing with her boobs that turn tassels into propeller blades. Her laugh as she stopped snapped me out of the spell I was in. “Men. So easy to distract. The power of breast compels you! The power of breast compels you!”

“Yea, well since the men own everything, how else are you going to rule the world?” I snarked. My mom was a bit of a feminist at times, and it rubbed off onto me.

“Oh, that is so true. So what brings you back? Well, besides the obvious?” Grinning, she grabbed a shirt from a peg and slipped it on, covering the hypnotic orbs of fleshy awesomeness.

“I’m serious, Trixie,”

“Tracy.” She corrected me as the smile on her face dimmed a fraction, and her eyes took on a more predatory gleam.

“Yeah, what the hell did I do? I was so hammered last night that I can’t remember, and neither can Pinkie.” Throwing my arms in the air, I noticed for the first time that my pink compatriot was not at my side, and that I could hear a combination of giggles, moans, and squeaks coming from the back of the room, out of sight behind a privacy wall.

“Oh really? The hero of the day has forgotten why he is the man of the hour?” Putting her arms around my neck, she leaned forward and touched her forehead to my own. “You forgot about paying for Cindy’s boob job? Or what about Tolanda’s breast reduction?”

“I paid for what?!” Shocked I pulled back, bumping into the door. “Wait, wait wait! Bigger boobs I can understand, but why on god’s green earth would I ever pay to make boobs SMALLER? It’s like, a crime against heterosexuality!” I blurted out, only half joking. Okay, 30% tops.

“Well they are size 36J, and it was breast surgery or back surgery.” Tracy replied dryly. “And I bet if you didn't like that, you are gonna hate losing Anne as much as we are. Although, we are probably gonna have to start calling him Alex after the reassignment surgery.” She put on a vicious grin. “But her brother says he may apply for a job after his procedure. They are so happy that you offered to pay for it all.”

“Dafuq?” I put my face in my hands and slid towards the floor in shock. “I paid for two trannies to get swapped?”

“And they are forever in your debt for it.” The warm tone returned.

“What the everloving fuck did I drink last night? How much did I give away?” I asked, my own voice sounding hollow in my ears.

“Well, two reassignments and two boob jobs, plus all the drinks and tips...” She pondered, looking towards the ceiling. “About fifty five grand. But you said you had plenty more, so it was no problem.” Shrugging, she crouched down in front of me.

“So that still leaves over 300k. Where the fuck did the rest of it go?” I wailed in despair.

“Wow, you had that much? You really were loaded... in more ways than one.”

I finally noticed that the sounds had stopped from the back of the room, and a finger of worry made its way down my back. I ignored Tracy’s questioning look and made my way to where Pinkie had been dragged to, cautiously peering around the divider. What took every ounce of willpower not to bust out laughing. Pinkie was sitting in the middle of three of the girls, looking like a petulant child being forced to endure some sort of strange torture. Her face was painted like a Japanese geisha, her legs bore stockings, and she was wearing what appeared to be silk panties and a badly fitting bra.

One girl, I believe her name was Vicky, was putting the finishing touches on the makeup, while the twins, Ginger and Maryann (guess their parent’s favorite show!) were happily brushing both tail and hair straight while muttering “Brushie, brushie, brushie!” under their breath.

I cleared my throat, catching their attention, and they all smiled up at me like children. Pinkie’s eyes filled with desperate hope, as she cried out my name. “Louis! help me! They are ruining my fluffy mane!”

“Louis!” They all chorused.

“Heya Louis! Do you like the makeover? Isn't she just the sexiest thing you ever saw?” This coming from Ginger, who was in fact a drop dead gorgeous redhead with her breasts currently hanging out. I was starting to think that the money must have went to Saint Peter as a bribe to get me into heaven.

Doing my best to keep a straight face, I pretended to ponder the scene before me as I stroked my beard in thought. “Hmmm. Lose the panties, the bra is kinda pointless, and the makeup makes you look like a clown. Keep the stockings, and the the hair... Is actually kinda hot.” I grinned for effect.

The response was both twins sticking their tongues out at me while Vicky flipped me the bird.

“Promises, promises, ladies. Perhaps after we have found the money I will come back.” I wagged my eyebrows suggestively, and they all snickered.

“In your dreams, jackass.” Vicky snorted, while the twins shared a look and a smile.

“Seriously though, Pinkie, we gotta go.” I rolled my eyes and the girls all whined.

“Yippee! Now I know why Dashie always hates this stuff.” And as she stood up, she began to shake like a dog. Somehow this managed to not only inflate her flattened hair, but remove the makeup and the clothing like she was shedding water. We all blinked in surprize at the sudden transformation, our eyes following the pink pony as she trotted happily out of the room singing to herself, “La la-la la-la!”

Behind me I heard Tracey ask, “What just happened?”

“Seriously? Don’t ask, because I don't even fuckin’ know.” I turned around to look at Vicky, who now had the panties on her head, and the twins who were covered in splattered makeup and a bra, with the stockings hung between them like party streamers. “Gotta go!” I yelped, and bolted for the door before they could react.

Outside, I stopped to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. I found Pinkie in the parking lot waiting for me, a big smile on her face. I was not in the mood, so I just walked up next to her and started beating my head against a convenient light post.

“Well that was useless. We are back to square one, with no idea where we went after here.” I stopped long enough for the lack of pain to actually feel food for a moment. Pinkie didn't reply, remaining uncharacteristically silent for once. I was almost ready to break said rare silence when I heard the flutter of wings behind me, followed by a gasp from my pink companion.

“There you guys are! I’ve been looking for you.” The voice of Rainbow Dash matched the sight of the chromatic mare as I turned to meet her.

“Yeah, you know us. Busy running around getting blackout drunk and being drugged by our friends so we can’t remember.” I responded dryly.

“Yeah! Where did you go Dashie? We’ve been busy tracking down stuff, and things, and not getting un-married. Why did you run off?” Pinkie scolded her friend, in her passive-aggressive Pinkie way.

“Oh, umm. Sorry guys.” She said as she looked down, kicking the ground in shame. “I totally had to track down that asshole and find out what he gave me. I made him spill the beans, by y’know, bucking him in his. Repeatedly.” She grinned sheepishly.

“Ouch. That not even funny. The family jewels are precious for a reason, Rainbow.” I flinched at the implication. “So what was it? Roofies?”

“Naw, it wa something new. He said it was stuff they were doing clinic-y tries or something. It’s for ponies with anxiety disorder. Supposed to loosen you up and make you relax around other ponies, or people.” Opening her saddlebags, she grabbed out a bottle and tossed it to me.

“Huh, well this is new...” I muttered as I read the label.

Fukitol
Take one by mouth as needed for anxiety. Do not exceed more than four doses per day. Take with food. Do not consume alcohol while taking this drug. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this drug. Side effects may include nausea, dry mouth, loss of motor function, loss of bowel control, hair loss, impairment of judgement, and sexual side effects.

“Yea, really. After I bucked him in the balls a few more times, he gave me a list of the side effects. I was tempted to buck him in the head after that, but I flew back here as fast as I could instead.” Buffing a hoof on her chest, she tried her best to look proud, but quickly wilted under the combined glare from me and Pinkie.

“So you slipped us an untested drug that...” I skimmed the fact sheet she had given me. “Lowers inhibitions, reduces stress in social situations, and eliminates the effects of moral programming.” I grimaced and raised my mighty eyebrow. “What the fuck do you think alcohol is for?”

“Yea! What he said!” Pinkie chimed in.

“I mean really! Haven't you learned your lesson about doing drugs already? Like the time you both dropped acid?” I huffed.

Louis walked into the living room, back from a shopping trip. As he looked around, he first spotted Rainbow Dash curled up in the corner, her tail wrapped around her, shivering. Her eyes were almost the size of her head, and her irises were contracted to pinpoints from fear. The smell of urine was accompanied by a spreading stain on the rug beneath her.
“Oh Louis, I love you too!” Hearing Pinkie’s voice, he found her hugging a balloon with a face drawn on it in marker. A very familiar goatee adorned the balloon that was being kissed by the pink mare.
“Nope!” Turning about face on his heel, Louis exited the room, slamming the door on the way out.

“That was my mother’s rug!” I yelled.

“Oh come on, that wasn't too bad! I just had a bad trip. About giant Shadowbolt dragons. And spiders. So many spiders...” Dash shuddered at the memory.

“Oh yea? Well what about the time you tried Ecstasy?” I asked.

Louis ran into the room at the sound of moaning, afraid of what he would find. What he did find was Rainbow Dash writhing on the floor, trying to rub her own wings, as nearby Pinkie is slowly humping the arm of the couch. He holds up a finger in thought, as though about to say something, but instead freezes with his mouth open.
“Nope!” Shaking his head, Louis crossed the room and made for the door again, slamming it on the way out.

“And you still owe me for that damn couch!” I bellowed in exasperation.

“Oh come on! What about the time we tried weed?” Dash snarked back.

“I don't feel anything. How about you?” Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie, who was sitting next to her on the couch with a huge plate of brownies in her lap.
“Noperooni! Not a thing. Maybe we need to add more to the next batch. What do you think, Louis?” She turns to her human friend who was splayed across the armchair next to her, eyes red and squinting, as he examined his hand.
“I dunno Pinkie, but you should make some more of these Equestrian Brownies. I suddenly have the munchies!” He trailed off and went into a giggling fit as he started booping his own nose.
“Hey, how do horses pick their noses with hooves anyway?” He stopped for a moment, adopting a really serious look, before another grin spread across his face. “Hah! I bet you find a unicorn to dig it out for you! You, know... with their horn!” Dissolving into another giggling fit, Louis fell off the chair and disappeared from sight, covered by the coffee table.
“I’m alright!” he crowed, as his hand popped into sight.
Both ponies turned to share a concerned look, before chiming simultaneously, “Nope!”

“And you still owe me for all that weed!” I screamed, nearly incoherent.

“I’m so sorry guys, really I am!” The pegasus pleaded. “I really didn't know what it was gonna do. That ass is gonna think twice before he ever pulls some horseapples like that again, too!” She crossed her arms and nodded her head at us.

“Well... Fine. You are on probationary forgiveness, only because I think you ponies are too damn trusting to come up with any real scheming. And besides, Pinkie trusts you. I think.” Pinkie just imitated my raised eyebrow, before giving a slight nod. “But we still gotta find the damn money so we can fix this shit.”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me!” Dash blurted...

“You found the money?” I masterfully interrupted her.

“Uh, no? Although that would have been awesome!” Dash fluffed her feathers at me. I couldn't help but envision her as some sort of bird. Maybe a seagull. Or a pigeon. A really mutated, acid-trippy pigeon.

“Umm, no. I got a message from that chick at the embassy on my Uphone. Something about the validity of my marriage license.” Again, she fluffed her wings like... well like a really butch peacock. Wait, peacocks are male aren’t they? Fuck bird analogies.

“Pfft. Only stupid hipsters use Uphones. Robotz is where it’s at, you corporate nazi.” Pinkie scolded her friend as she rolled her eyes. We both shared a grin and a high five. Well, she only had one, but you know what I mean. Fuck you.

“Whatever.” Rainbow rolled her eyes as well, fluffing her wings one more time. It was starting to get cute, like a really pissed off parrot. I so wanted to give her a cracker. “She wanted to talk to me, so that may mean we have a way out. Let’s get the hell out of this place and get back to being single again!”

“Oh yeah, because you are such a marewhore that you can't wait to go buck your next trophy wife.” The vitriol that dripped from Pinkie’s lips made even me step back in shock.

“Hah! You’re one to talk. At least my human actually loved me.” And just as suddenly as the fire flared in her eyes, it died. Dash turned away. I was sure that neither of us wanted to see the look on her face, so I picked Pinkie up with my hand over her mouth to ensure that the argument ended there.

“Rainbow Dash, fuck you.” I replied flatly. “That being said, we need to put this petty shit behind us and get on with our lives. And by that I mean, let’s get back to being single.” Surprisingly, I felt Pinkie nod under my hand.

It was a long, uncomfortable ride to the embassy. Neither Dash nor Pinkie said a word to each other, and I couldn't help but to dwell on the uncharacteristic harshness of Pinkie’s words. The venom with which her and her colorful friend attacked each other was downright scary. Over and over I replayed the day’s events, as I robotically drove. I knew Pinkie still had feelings for me. Getting married must have been a dream come true for her, even if I didn't return the affection. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, had something happen to her recently, and I could see the wounds were still not healed. The two friends were at odds, and taking it out on each other, leaving me in the middle.

Finally we arrived again, and solemnly marched into the office. The same pony was behind the counter to greet us, and she quickly ushered us into an office. She took a moment to collect a file, and made a display of leafing through it, before clearing her throat to speak.

“Ahem, Miss Rainbow Dash?” She cocked an eyebrow, and looked at the pony in question.

“Yes? Did you find something? A way out of this mess?” Dash flew forward and put her hooves on the desk, until the indignant glare from the other side caused her to move back.

“Well, I have some good news for you. It appears that you entered the marriage contract under false pretenses. When we tried to file the notice with Cloudsdale registry, we received a rather interesting notice in return. It seems that Rainbow Dash is not your real name, after all.” Holding up a document covered in script, she again raised her eyebrow.

the reaction was immediate, and the flier dropped out of the air as if shot, as her eyes went wide, and her wings drooped like melted wax. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”

“Yes. Quite.” The mare behind the desk replied dryly, and then began to read allowed. “Aurora Prism Silverhoof, daughter of Firefly and Rainbow Bolt. Age 23, Coat: Sky Blue, Mane: Variegated Rainbow, Cutie Mark: Cloud with tricolor lightning bolt. Winner of Best Young Flyers competition, Bearer of the Element of Loyalty, Decorated for serviced in cleansing Princess Luna, and defeating Discord.” Pausing, she stared hard at the young pony who was now chewing on her hooves. “This is you, is it not?”

“Y-yes. It’s me.” Sighing, Dash got back to her feet. “I changed my name, unofficially, when I left Cloudsdale. Never bothered to get it legally formalized. Nopony ever seemed to care, and only my old friends from back home knew.”

“Wow, Dashie! I never knew your name was Aurora! It’s such a pretty name too. Why would you change it?” Pinkie finally started to babble. “I mean, I changed my name to Pinkie Pie, because Pinkamina Diane Pie was just too much of a mouthful, but if I had a name like Aurora, I’d never change it!”

“It’s a weak girly name. I got tired of everypony wanting me to be all pretty, and prissy, and dress in style. That’s just not me!” Dash huffed, crossing her arms. “I told all the kids to call me Rainbow Dash, and kept my real name secret. It’s nopony’s business anyway. Ponies change their names all the time, when they discover their special talent has nothing to do with their birth name.”

“It’s true.” The office mare chimed in, addressing my clearly puzzled look. “I mean, if parents named their child Green Tree because she was born with a green mane and coat, then the child turned out to be a master iron worker, then her name would seem sort of silly. So my sister renamed herself Swift Hammer, and shacks up with my coltfriend Coal Shovel, then they form a blacksmithing business together, until the day the cheating bastard sneaks another mare into the forge, and somepony sets the entire thing on fire, burning them all alive...”

Suddenly the room has gotten colder, and the yellow mare snapped from her thousand yard stare as if nothing had happened. “Oh, but where was I?” Me and the girls just looked at each other, all wondering if we should run.

“Umm, my legal name isn't Rainbow Dash?” Dash asked, timidly.

“Oh yes! Mrs. Silverhoof, is it? Since your legal name was not properly filled out on the form, I am afraid that it does not bind you. If you wish to legally be married to these two, you will need to resubmit a corrected marriage license, and use your proper legal name.” The bureaucrat pushed a form across the desk at us. “Just fill out here, and sign here, and the contract will become fully legal.”

“Wait, wait, wait! So as of right now, if I don't sign this, I’m not actually married?” Dash blurted out.

“That is correct.” The mare replied.

“I’m single again?”

“Yes, you are single, unless you file the corrected form. Oh, and the fee will be one hundred bits, for processing.” A hopeful gleam entered the paper pusher's eye, and she suddenly had a very welcoming smile.

“BUCK THAT! I’m single again! WAHOOO!” And like a crack of thunder, our friend, the so called Element of Loyalty, ditched us. Only the rainbow contrail, leading out of the room, and a single blue feather settling slowly to the ground marked her passage.

“Well shit. I guess that means we aren't married, Pinkie.” I turned to my pink friend, and patted her on the head. “What do you wanna do now?”

“Ahem. Not so fast.” Pulling another paper from her file, she shuffled it needlessly. “You two checked out, and the paperwork has been filed. Your names are legal, and your signatures binding. The two of you are still married to one another.” She raised an eyebrow at my look of disappointment. “That is of course, unless you have the money for the divorce?”

“Fuck no! All my money disappeared, and we can’t figure what happened to it. We just wasted all day trying to find out.” I sat back down and put my face in my hands.

“Aww Louis, it’s not so bad. I mean, we can just pre-pretend we are still just f-friends.” Pinkie stuttered, as she patted my knee.

“Oh, that’s right!” Mrs pencil pusher spoke up. “I almost forgot, but you received a letter. They said they didn't know where you lived, Mrs. Pie, but knew you were a famous pony, so asked us to pass it along.”

I stood up and took the letter, opening it when Pinkie shrugged at me. I quickly scanned the short message, and then glared at the photo that was in the envelope. I slowly read it again, before sitting back down and handing the letter to Pinkie.

Dear Mr and Mrs Morgan,
The Lady of the Bleeding Heart orphanage can never thank you enough for all that you have done for us. With your generous donation, we were able to finally complete the much needed expansion for our new exchange program, and allow orphan ponies to trade places with our sister orphanage in Canterlot. The children now have new pony friends to play with, and a much better chance of finding a loving home in one of the two worlds.
Thank you, and god bless,
Sister Mary Muffintop

The photo showed a group of human and pony children of various ages, grinning happily as they hugged their new playmates. Behind them stood a human and a pony, both wearing nun habits. Being held up by the front row was a huge novelty check, made out to the orphanage for $300,000. On either side of the check, were both me and Pinkie, also grinning, as Rainbow Dash posed on her belly in front of us all.

“God DAMMIT! I fuckin hate kids!” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and for once, even Pinkie was at a loss for words.

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CZdsUTtD8n0hguZ34o1kcVMsVlIBcN2FD9stCoGWH8U/edit#

Well there it is! It's been 7 months since my last real update. SEVEN MONTHS! That's more than half a year!

I really apologize, but life, motivation, work and other things seem to always get in the way. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and waiting do patiently for this.

If you are looking for the christmas chapters, they are still around. I decided to move them to their own side story, which will be published soon as my editor has a go at them.

Now for the bad news. I have decided to start winding down the story, and bring it to a close. All of you shipping haters, you have been warned. The story of Louis and Pinkie will be taking on one final arc, with them finally coming together as a couple at the end.

Now, that being said, don't panic. I just ran outta stuff to write about in this format, and plan to take the story elsewhere. I already have two side story ideas in the works, as well as a sequel with Pinkie and Louis as a married couple. Still not 100% decided, but I was thinking of doing an Always Sunny kinda story, with them owning a bar or something.

Thanks once again to my editor, and to my fans, without which this would suck and I would have given up long ago.

Room for Rent

by Drax99

Prologue: Room for Rent

Dawn of the First Day

Pink Fluffy Earth Ponies Shedding on Furniture

The Heat is On

Crabapples to the iCore

Rainbow Connection

Hell Hath No Fury

Country Roads

Family Matters

Masque of the Pink Death

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

Feeling Pinkie Green

You May Now Kiss the Brides

Interlude