You May Now Kiss the Brides
Hangovers suck. I mean, sure, they also mean you kicked some serious ass in the arena of party-going, but they are still nature’s way of reminding us of our mortality after our brief brush with invincibility. Today was no exception as I wished once again for the ability to kill every bird within a mile radius with my mind. At the very least, let me make it rain or something so the baleful glare of the morning sun would stop torturing me for my sins.
Yes, this truly was hell. Forced to endure the painful sounds and searing light of early morning as punishment for my night of hedonism. It didn't help at all that I had an incredibly soft and cuddly plushie to curl up against to comfort me. One that was all warm, and furry, and snoring softly.
“Whadafuq?” My eyes shot open, only to be filled with pink. Light and dark, an unending wall of pink assaulted my tortured orbs as I blinked them into usefulness. Dehydration and lack of use rendered this an uphill battle as I tried to focus my abused eyes on what was before me. To my horror, the mass of pink resolved itself into the erratic form of my roommate’s hair and face as she slumbered peacefully in my arms.
“Oh god, what did I do?” I tried to think back on the previous night, only to have my mind screech to a halt on the edge of an abyss of missing memory. I clearly remembered telling Pinkie about our amazing windfall, in the form of almost a half million dollars revenue. It seems that the casino had no right to withhold our winnings, seeing as there was no way to prove we had cheated. It also helped that all winnings were taxable, and the government wanted their cut, so they were happy to help us. Even after taxes, it was an insane amount of money, Pinkie and I decided to celebrate.
And celebrate we did... But that was where it began to get fuzzy. I remember being at a bar, and buying everyone a round, and then another, and then we danced. I think I may have sang something. Then nothing. My mind was a blank.
I rolled out of bed, nearly falling over as my abused brain decided to rebel, and enlisted my stomach in the cause. I quickly dashed for the bathroom and made it just in time for my last meal to make a break for the entrance. It was not going to be a nice day.
After a quick brush and rinse, I stumbled back into my room where my my pink companion was just regaining consciousness.
“Ugh, Louis, why does everything hurt so much? And my mane. My mane feels like it was pulled out and glued back on.” Shaking her head, Pinkie winced in pain. “I feel like that time I let Twilight talk me into potion testing experiments. I didn't even know what a futanari potion was, but it tasted terrible, and hurt like heck.”
“A better question is why are you in my bed, and what the fuck happened last night?” I grumbled, handing a cup of water to my friend as I flopped on the edge of the mattress.
“Oh! I don’t remember, and my head hurts worse when I try to think about it.” Suddenly her eyes went wide, as they met my own surprised look, and we both had the same thought. “Did we...?”
I reached down and scratched my balls, then gave the resulting hand a sniff. I relaxed as I detected nothing but sweat, and the smell of New Spice body wash. “Nope, I don't think we did, Pinkie.” I was never more relieved to smell ball sweat in my life.
“Eew, gross. But I think you’re right. I’m pretty sure I would feel it if I had that thing in me.” Nervously, and a bit disappointed, the pink mare chuckled and slid off the bed. She made her way into the bathroom as I shrugged.
“Aww shucks, now yer makin me blush.” I joked.
“So what the hay did happen then?” Her voice drifted from the bathroom.
“Fuck if I know. We went out, got trashed, then woke up. That's all I got.” I sat back on the bed, then fell back with a sigh.
A moment later I heard a flush, and the brief sound of a sink running. Pinkie came out looking only slightly less disheveled, as she made her way over to me.
“So, if we got drunk, but didn't make out, how did we wake up together, and what the hay happened last night?” Leaning against me, she lay her head in my lap and sighed. Suddenly I felt her perk up as she lifted her head. “Hello? What’s this?”
Walking over to the nightstand, she picked up an envelope that was open. Shaking out the contents, she grabbed ahold of the paper within, as something metal rang against the nightstand. I immediately sat up and reached out for the paper in curiosity.
“The hell? Pinkie, this is a marriage license, and these look like wedding rings. But I can't read the crazy pony language it’s in. What the fuck did we do last night?” I nearly yelled, feeling my panic rise.
“What? Are we married? That's... well that’s not so bad, is it?” Sounding kinda hurt, she took the paper from my hand and looked it over. I was too shocked to argue. “Umm, Louis. Why are there three names on here?”
“What!?” I snatched the document from her hoof and looked it over. Sure enough there was room for more than two names, and three of them were filled. I then looked at the top of the form, and saw that it was on letterhead from the Equestrian embassy. “Is this shit even legal? Last I checked, Polygamy wasn't allowed in the US.”
“Well it is in Equestria. It’s very old, and not many follow the tradition anymore, but we used to call it “Herding”. A single stallion was allowed to marry as many mares as he could provide for. My great auntie Pie was in a herd with three mares, until they found out the stallion was cheating on all of them and divorced him. Wait, who else did we marry, anyway?”
“Ugh, will you guys please shut the buck up? I’m trying to sleep over here!” Both of us turned in shock as the pile of blankets at the foot of the bed spoke up. Carefully I leaned over, and peeled back the top layer to reveal a splash of rainbow underneath.
“Rainbow Dash? What the hay are you doing here?” Pinkie squeaked in surprise.
“Oh, hiya Pinkie Pie. I’m trying to sleep, of course. So if you two could keep it down a bit...?” With a roll of her eyes, she grabbed the blanket and collapsed back into unconsciousness.
Raising my eyes to the ceiling, it took all my strength not to facepalm. “Oh fuck me!”
A few hours, a shower, and a few cups of coffee later found the three of us around the kitchen table. Rainbow Dash seemed to be just as confused as anyone about what happened, only remembering joining us at the party, and some heavy drinking.
“Ugh, I don’t get it? Why the hay would I do something as stupid as this? I mean, Pinkie, maybe. She’s my gal pal, and we go way back, but you?” She shrugged and rolled her eyes. “No offense, big guy, but like I said last time, you just ain't my type.”
“Hey, I’m just as confused. I’m not even into ponies, and I sure as hell never would have married more than one woman. I mean, hell, one at a time is enough trouble as it is!” I leaned back in the chair, sipping on my morning motivation.
“Well, it’s not too bad guys. I mean, what’s the worst that can come of it? Is being married really that bad?” Pinkie asked, sounding more than a bit desperate.
“YES!” Both me and Dash replied at the same time.
“I can’t be tied down! I’m not even looking for a relationship. Not after...” Briefly, a pained look flashed across the blue pony’s face. “I just don't wanna be married, is all.”
“Yea, me too.” I agreed. Maybe if I ever find the right woman, and we spend a few years together. Till then, I’m a muthafuckin Freebird!” I held out a hand, and got a righteous high five from the winged pony.
“Buck yeah! Freebird!” Dash cheered.
“Aww, well.” Looking crestfallen, Pinkie looked between us. “So what do we do now, guys?”
“Simple, we go down to the courthouse, or wherever, and get this shit annulled!” I stood up. and tossed back the coffee. “You girls get ready, I’m gonna get dressed and so we can get on with our lives. Our separate lives.”
A short ride to the courthouse proved fruitless, as the document was signed under Equestrian law and jurisdiction. We were told to bring the matter to the embassy, and file a petition there. Another ride across town, and some quick name drop from two national heroes, found us before the head clerk of the embassy.
“So, are you three lovebirds ready for your honeymoon in Canterlot? You girls have a free pass, but I’m afraid the gate pass for your stallion still isn't ready yet.” A nauseatingly yellow pony said from behind the desk, giving us a strange look. “I did tell you it can take a few days, even with your connections, Mrs. Dash. Or are you taking the earth custom, and going by your stallion’s name now?”
“Buck that noise! I will always be the awesome, one and only, Rainbow Danger Dash!” Dash seemed downright insulted at the idea of taking my name. I shrugged, not really caring or understanding the feminist shit. My mom took my dad’s name, and it never made her any less a woman. My dad liked to joke that she also got his balls as part of the deal.
“Seriously, I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about, lady. We all woke up with a marriage certificate, and not a damn clue where it came from. None of us can remember last night, and we just wanna get it annulled.” I crossed my arms and looked at her impassively.
“Aww that's a shame. I was actually hoping that herding might be catching on here on earth. You all seemed so happy, I was tempted to join you.” The mare started to give me a really creepy rape face as she licked her lips. “He really is a sexy hunk of man, isn't he?”
Pinkie giggled, and nodded, getting a glare from me. “Yeppers, he’s a real stud.”
“Not helping, Pinkie.” I growled.
“Tell me, is it true what they say about the dark skinned ones?” The creepy pony asked, wagging her tail.
“Yes.” Both me and Pinkie said at once.
“What?!” Dash and I yelled, glaring at Pinkie in surprise.
“Aww, c’mon Louis. We both know I’ve peeked on you in the shower. And seen you dress. Watched you sleep. It’s not creepy...”
“The fuck it ain't!” I barked. “We will discuss your issues with boundaries when we get home. For now, lets get this shit over with.”
Sighing, the yellow mare put her head on her hoof, and put on the bored look of civil servants everywhere. “Fine. As I told you all last night, there are laws and regulations in place to prevent frivolous marriages, especially between species. It is a major commitment and a bond that cannot be undone, according to traditional laws. However, as these are modern times, an annulment or can be performed, providing the fines and fees are paid in full.” As if boredly reciting a memorized speech, the mare rattled off.
“Fines and fees? How much are we talking about?” I threw my arms up, completely frustrated.
“Well the fee is Ten thousand bits, Equestrian. At the current exchange rates...” Pulling out a calculator, she started pushing buttons. “That will be fifty thousand dollars.”
I heard a thud as Rainbow Dash hit the floor. There was a ringing in my ears, and I’m sure I smelled smoke. The room was totally quiet, save for the low hum of the ventilation. And then I swallowed, hard.
“The fuck is wrong with your ponies?” I asked in a strangled voice.
“Hey, you were told all this, and it was in the paperwork you signed. If you ‘Can’t Remember’ any of this,” The mare air quoted with her hooves, “it is not the responsibility of the Equestrian government to correct your mistakes without just compensation. So pay up, fifty grand US, or ten grand Equestrian. Otherwise, I wish the three of you a long and happy marriage. May Luna bless your union, and may Celestia grant you many foals.” With that, the pony turned, and pretended to be very engrossed in a file that was on her desk.
“Well fuck.” I responded, turning to my companions. Pinkie looked rather hopeful, while Dash looked pissed as hell. “Wait, wait, wait. I’m rich, bitch! I grinned at my friends, remembering the massive amount of money I had in my bank, thanks to Pinkie’s freakish ability to predict things and win and gambling. “I have at least 300 grand left in the bank. What’s fifty grand? I pay the fees, and we can all get the fuck on with our lives.”
“Hell yea! I mean, I’d help myself, but they kinda cut me off after that whole mating season fiasco.” Dash chimed in, smiling. “I still get money from endorsements and all, but the whole ambassador gig kinda crashed and burned after that. No matter what I say, the Equestrian government is still pissed at me for making them look bad.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “I dunno who’s fault this is, and at this point, I don’t care. Let’s hit the damn bank and get this shit over with.”
“Sure, sure, if that’s what you really want.” Pinkie sounded like the pony version of a kicked puppy, but that didn't stop both me and Dash from glaring at her.
“Yes!” Again, both Rainbow Dash and I responded vehemently.
*Sigh* “Fiiine...” Pinkie groused, before following us out while dragging her hooves.
“WHat the fuck do you mean, I’m overdrawn?” I felt my temper flare as I glared at the bank manager. Withdrawing fifty grand wasn't something you could do at an ATM, so we needed to spend some time talking to an account manager.
“I’m sorry sir, but our records indicate that your account is overdrawn by $213. I strongly suggest that you deposit enough to cover the deficit, to prevent any fees from being charged.” The small man stared impassively at me, wearing a suit and tie, as well as the fakest hairpiece I have ever seen.
“You have gotta be shitting me. I had over 300 grand in the bank. Even after the taxes and some partying, I should have a small fortune.” I rubbed my eyes with my hands, praying to wake up from the nightmare. “Where did it go?” I asked with a false calm that I definitely didn't feel.
“Well, I wasn't here at the time, but the records indicate that you and your two, umm, companions, came in and withdrew most of the money, with the rest on a check. We simply did not have that much cash on hand to give it all to you at once.” Typing something on his terminal, the weasley looking man turned his monitor around to face me. Clicking a file, he started what I assumed was a recorded video feed.
“Hey, put all my money in this bag...” I saw myself and two familiar ponies giggling.
“I’m sorry sir, but we simply do not have that much cash on hand. You will need to wait several days to such a large withdrawal.
“Hey! It’s his money! If he wants to take it all out, you have to give it to him.” Rainbow Dash flapped crookedly, and glared at the tallish man behind the desk. Her voice sounded a bit slurred, and her wings didn't seem to be flapping in sync.
“I’m afraid there is nothing we can do. We just don’t have it.” A woman came up and whispered into the man’s ear, and he shook his head. “No, miss Lane, I don't think we need to alert the authorities.”
Meanwhile, Pinkie seemed to be rubbing herself on my leg like a cat, as she stared off into nothing from half lidded eyes. It was clear that all three of use must have been wasted drunk.
“So how much do you have?” I heard myself ask, only slightly slurred.
“Well we have $100,000 we can give you, and perhaps we can give you the rest as a cashier’s check?” The man sounded like he was bargaining with an armed robber.
“Yea, sure! Gimme my money. We got a wedding to plan, and a party to attend.” I saw myself reach down and scratch the pink pony behind her ears as she leaned into me in an entirely feline gesture. Dash, meanwhile, was overing over my shoulder and giggling as she wrapped her hooves around my neck.
The video ended, and the monitor was turned back away from me. I felt sick to my stomach and slumped back into the chair.
“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do, Mr. Morgan. You have every right to your money, and this bank did it’s best to advise you against the withdrawal. You refused that advice, taking your money. What you did with it afterwards is none of my affair.” Leaning back, he steepled his fingers, looking like some old Bond villain. “If you claim to have ‘forgotten’ what happened to the money,” he air quoted, “then I would suggest you retrace your steps and find what you did with it.”
“Well fuck me.” was all I could think to say.
A few moments later found us trudging out of the bank. Pinkie seemed troubled, but Rainbow Dash looked haunted. She dragged her feet as she looked off into the distance. I wasn't sure which one to talk to first, and to be honest I was too pissed to care.
“Uh, guys?” Dash finally spoke up. “I think I have some explaining to do.” In response, I just raised an eyebrow, and crossed my arms, trying to look calm.
“Yea, well.” She swallowed, acting nervous. “I think I may know what happened. Not to the money! I don't remember either.” She waved her hooves to stop any response I would have given. “You see, when Pinkie told me she was gonna throw this massively epic party with all the money you guys had, I wanted to help make it the best party ever. I told a few of my friends back in Cali, and they said they had something that would make the party totally radical!”
“You slipped us drugs?” I answered flatly. It wasn't the first time I had been Mickeyed, but I had never missed this much time.
“No! Uhh, I mean, maybe.” Sighing, she looked at the ground as she kicked at it with her hoof. “Yes. But I didn't mean for this to happen! My friend said it was harmless. It was just supposed to let us loosen up, and have more fun. So I kinda slipped it into our drinks when you guys weren’t looking.”
“What? How could you, Dashie?” Pinkie looked ready to cry as she stared in shock at her friend. “Especially after all the trouble I had with the oregano. Why would you even think of doing such a thing? I thought you were my bestest friend!”
As her eyes teared up, I knelt down to give her a hug, while glaring at the pegasus. While she looked remorseful, I was too pissed off to care.
“What the fuck did you give us?” I growled.
“I’m sorry! I honestly don't know! The guy said it was all natural and harmless. I trusted him.” She growled herself, pounding one hoof into another. “I trusted him! When I get my hooves on that son of a mule, I’m gonna pound him flat!” Suddenly she looked up, pain clear in her eyes. “I’m sorry guys, I gotta go.” And before either of us could respond, she was off in a blur of feathers.
“Well that was unexpected.” I quipped sarcastically. I was more than a little annoyed, but at the same time having the object of my current ire out of sight would help me focus on the problem at hand.
“You bet! Some Element of Loyalty she is. Flying off when we need her and such. Wait until Twilight hears about this!” Pinkie stomped, glaring in the direction of the fading rainbow contrail.
“Whatever. We need to retrace our steps. Think! We went out drinking, then what?” I pondered aloud as I stroked my goatee.
“Well let’s ask the bartender! The pony running the party is always supposed to keep an eye on the guests in case somepony gets a little too much.” Pinkie grins and bounces in front of me.
“You got a point.” I grinned at her. “To the Pub!” we both chorused at once.
“I already told ya, Louie. You and your little furry friends were fine when you left my bar.” Joe continued to sweep the floor as he talked. getting ready for the evening’s customers. “Your dad would kick my ass if I let you go home wasted. You and the pink one bought a few rounds, then the rainbow one showed up. You all drank a few shots, then said something about going to see a show.” The bartender shrugged and leaned on the broom a moment. “It did seem like the pink one was getting a little grabby, but you didn't complain, and you are a grown man. You all seemed fine when you left. Hell, I’ve seen you and yer pa crawl outta here in worse condition.”
I sighed, in defeat, and ignored Pinkie’s pout at being referred to as “The pink one”. “Okay Joe, thanks anyway. Do you know what show we were going to?”
“Not a clue, although the way the other friend of yours was looking at some of the guests, I would think it was something involving poles and a catwalk. Might wanna start there.”
“Why would Dashie want to walk a cat? She hates cats.” Pinkie chimed in.
“I think he means the strip club down the street, Pinkie.” I rolled my eyes.
“Why would you strip a cat? For that matter, why would the cat be wearing clothes?” She looked even more puzzled as she did that cute head-tilt like a demented puppy.
“Haw! There’s no cats there, but for a fee you can see some pussy!” Joe cackled and continued cleaning. “Good luck there Louie! Sounds like you finally managed to drink yourself stupid.”
“Yeah, yeah. Fuck you too, Joe.” I smiled and flipped him off as I headed for the door. “C’mon Pinkie. We gotta see a stripper about some cash. This isn't gonna be fun.”
“Okie Dokie!” Pinkie bounced along after me, as we left the sound of a chuckling bartender behind.
Walking into a strip club before hours is like walking behind the curtain of a magic show. All the things you never get to see are normally hidden by the dark and alcoholic haze, or the distractions of the music and the entertainment. Now, with the house lights on, and no crowd or performers around, every stain, puddle, and unidentifiable smear was exposed. It was like visiting a crime scene in one of those cop investigation shows. I’m not sure I will ever be able to come back here again.
Who am I kidding? I love titties!
“Eew! I’ve cleaned up after plenty of parties, but it never looked this bad.” Pinkie groused as she tried not to step on anything. Or in anything. I made a mental note to remind Pinkie to wash her hooves before touching anything.
“Yea, well that's why you come to a place like this and throw your money at people instead of doing it at home. Have a good time, then go home while someone else cleans.” I grinned at her, earning a scrunchy face of disgust.
“It’s still gross, and yet we came here last night? I don’t remember.” Sidestepping a mysterious puddle of some sort, she sidled closer to me.
“Well, the owner remembered us, and he says the girl that was serving us is in the back. Hopefully she can shed some light on what happened.” I patted her on the head and made my way to the back of the stage area.
Luckily the owner knew me, and owed me a favor, and I was on good terms with the rest of the staff, considering I had gone to school with most of them. College girls gotta pay for an education somehow, right? We made our way to the dressing room, where I could already hear some voices.
Knocking got an immediate response. “Louis! Pinkie!” all the girls chorused. We were quickly pulled inside where several of the show girls and a smattering of female servers were in various states of dress. One thing about strippers is, they are rarely shy about nudity. I was in heterosexual male heaven. Pinkie was quickly latched onto by a pair of girls who giggled as they dragged her deeper into their den, while the alpha female presented herself to me in full stripper regalia, specifically a thong and a smile. I was a bit too distracted to hear Pinkies cries for help as she was carried away.
“Louis! It’s so good to see you back so soon. We can't thank you enough for all you have done for the girls.” She smiled proudly, a playful gleam in her tits. I mean eyes. Keep looking up. Keep looking up.
“Imawhaja?” I drooled. “What I do?” I smiled stupidly, like a child being told he just earned a reward.
Did I mention how much I love titties?
Chuckling huskily, she must have seen where my eyes were drifting, as she started doing that thing with her boobs that turn tassels into propeller blades. Her laugh as she stopped snapped me out of the spell I was in. “Men. So easy to distract. The power of breast compels you! The power of breast compels you!”
“Yea, well since the men own everything, how else are you going to rule the world?” I snarked. My mom was a bit of a feminist at times, and it rubbed off onto me.
“Oh, that is so true. So what brings you back? Well, besides the obvious?” Grinning, she grabbed a shirt from a peg and slipped it on, covering the hypnotic orbs of fleshy awesomeness.
“I’m serious, Trixie,”
“Tracy.” She corrected me as the smile on her face dimmed a fraction, and her eyes took on a more predatory gleam.
“Yeah, what the hell did I do? I was so hammered last night that I can’t remember, and neither can Pinkie.” Throwing my arms in the air, I noticed for the first time that my pink compatriot was not at my side, and that I could hear a combination of giggles, moans, and squeaks coming from the back of the room, out of sight behind a privacy wall.
“Oh really? The hero of the day has forgotten why he is the man of the hour?” Putting her arms around my neck, she leaned forward and touched her forehead to my own. “You forgot about paying for Cindy’s boob job? Or what about Tolanda’s breast reduction?”
“I paid for what?!” Shocked I pulled back, bumping into the door. “Wait, wait wait! Bigger boobs I can understand, but why on god’s green earth would I ever pay to make boobs SMALLER? It’s like, a crime against heterosexuality!” I blurted out, only half joking. Okay, 30% tops.
“Well they are size 36J, and it was breast surgery or back surgery.” Tracy replied dryly. “And I bet if you didn't like that, you are gonna hate losing Anne as much as we are. Although, we are probably gonna have to start calling him Alex after the reassignment surgery.” She put on a vicious grin. “But her brother says he may apply for a job after his procedure. They are so happy that you offered to pay for it all.”
“Dafuq?” I put my face in my hands and slid towards the floor in shock. “I paid for two trannies to get swapped?”
“And they are forever in your debt for it.” The warm tone returned.
“What the everloving fuck did I drink last night? How much did I give away?” I asked, my own voice sounding hollow in my ears.
“Well, two reassignments and two boob jobs, plus all the drinks and tips...” She pondered, looking towards the ceiling. “About fifty five grand. But you said you had plenty more, so it was no problem.” Shrugging, she crouched down in front of me.
“So that still leaves over 300k. Where the fuck did the rest of it go?” I wailed in despair.
“Wow, you had that much? You really were loaded... in more ways than one.”
I finally noticed that the sounds had stopped from the back of the room, and a finger of worry made its way down my back. I ignored Tracy’s questioning look and made my way to where Pinkie had been dragged to, cautiously peering around the divider. What took every ounce of willpower not to bust out laughing. Pinkie was sitting in the middle of three of the girls, looking like a petulant child being forced to endure some sort of strange torture. Her face was painted like a Japanese geisha, her legs bore stockings, and she was wearing what appeared to be silk panties and a badly fitting bra.
One girl, I believe her name was Vicky, was putting the finishing touches on the makeup, while the twins, Ginger and Maryann (guess their parent’s favorite show!) were happily brushing both tail and hair straight while muttering “Brushie, brushie, brushie!” under their breath.
I cleared my throat, catching their attention, and they all smiled up at me like children. Pinkie’s eyes filled with desperate hope, as she cried out my name. “Louis! help me! They are ruining my fluffy mane!”
“Louis!” They all chorused.
“Heya Louis! Do you like the makeover? Isn't she just the sexiest thing you ever saw?” This coming from Ginger, who was in fact a drop dead gorgeous redhead with her breasts currently hanging out. I was starting to think that the money must have went to Saint Peter as a bribe to get me into heaven.
Doing my best to keep a straight face, I pretended to ponder the scene before me as I stroked my beard in thought. “Hmmm. Lose the panties, the bra is kinda pointless, and the makeup makes you look like a clown. Keep the stockings, and the the hair... Is actually kinda hot.” I grinned for effect.
The response was both twins sticking their tongues out at me while Vicky flipped me the bird.
“Promises, promises, ladies. Perhaps after we have found the money I will come back.” I wagged my eyebrows suggestively, and they all snickered.
“In your dreams, jackass.” Vicky snorted, while the twins shared a look and a smile.
“Seriously though, Pinkie, we gotta go.” I rolled my eyes and the girls all whined.
“Yippee! Now I know why Dashie always hates this stuff.” And as she stood up, she began to shake like a dog. Somehow this managed to not only inflate her flattened hair, but remove the makeup and the clothing like she was shedding water. We all blinked in surprize at the sudden transformation, our eyes following the pink pony as she trotted happily out of the room singing to herself, “La la-la la-la!”
Behind me I heard Tracey ask, “What just happened?”
“Seriously? Don’t ask, because I don't even fuckin’ know.” I turned around to look at Vicky, who now had the panties on her head, and the twins who were covered in splattered makeup and a bra, with the stockings hung between them like party streamers. “Gotta go!” I yelped, and bolted for the door before they could react.
Outside, I stopped to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. I found Pinkie in the parking lot waiting for me, a big smile on her face. I was not in the mood, so I just walked up next to her and started beating my head against a convenient light post.
“Well that was useless. We are back to square one, with no idea where we went after here.” I stopped long enough for the lack of pain to actually feel food for a moment. Pinkie didn't reply, remaining uncharacteristically silent for once. I was almost ready to break said rare silence when I heard the flutter of wings behind me, followed by a gasp from my pink companion.
“There you guys are! I’ve been looking for you.” The voice of Rainbow Dash matched the sight of the chromatic mare as I turned to meet her.
“Yeah, you know us. Busy running around getting blackout drunk and being drugged by our friends so we can’t remember.” I responded dryly.
“Yeah! Where did you go Dashie? We’ve been busy tracking down stuff, and things, and not getting un-married. Why did you run off?” Pinkie scolded her friend, in her passive-aggressive Pinkie way.
“Oh, umm. Sorry guys.” She said as she looked down, kicking the ground in shame. “I totally had to track down that asshole and find out what he gave me. I made him spill the beans, by y’know, bucking him in his. Repeatedly.” She grinned sheepishly.
“Ouch. That not even funny. The family jewels are precious for a reason, Rainbow.” I flinched at the implication. “So what was it? Roofies?”
“Naw, it wa something new. He said it was stuff they were doing clinic-y tries or something. It’s for ponies with anxiety disorder. Supposed to loosen you up and make you relax around other ponies, or people.” Opening her saddlebags, she grabbed out a bottle and tossed it to me.
“Huh, well this is new...” I muttered as I read the label.
Fukitol
Take one by mouth as needed for anxiety. Do not exceed more than four doses per day. Take with food. Do not consume alcohol while taking this drug. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this drug. Side effects may include nausea, dry mouth, loss of motor function, loss of bowel control, hair loss, impairment of judgement, and sexual side effects.
“Yea, really. After I bucked him in the balls a few more times, he gave me a list of the side effects. I was tempted to buck him in the head after that, but I flew back here as fast as I could instead.” Buffing a hoof on her chest, she tried her best to look proud, but quickly wilted under the combined glare from me and Pinkie.
“So you slipped us an untested drug that...” I skimmed the fact sheet she had given me. “Lowers inhibitions, reduces stress in social situations, and eliminates the effects of moral programming.” I grimaced and raised my mighty eyebrow. “What the fuck do you think alcohol is for?”
“Yea! What he said!” Pinkie chimed in.
“I mean really! Haven't you learned your lesson about doing drugs already? Like the time you both dropped acid?” I huffed.
Louis walked into the living room, back from a shopping trip. As he looked around, he first spotted Rainbow Dash curled up in the corner, her tail wrapped around her, shivering. Her eyes were almost the size of her head, and her irises were contracted to pinpoints from fear. The smell of urine was accompanied by a spreading stain on the rug beneath her.
“Oh Louis, I love you too!” Hearing Pinkie’s voice, he found her hugging a balloon with a face drawn on it in marker. A very familiar goatee adorned the balloon that was being kissed by the pink mare.
“Nope!” Turning about face on his heel, Louis exited the room, slamming the door on the way out.
“That was my mother’s rug!” I yelled.
“Oh come on, that wasn't too bad! I just had a bad trip. About giant Shadowbolt dragons. And spiders. So many spiders...” Dash shuddered at the memory.
“Oh yea? Well what about the time you tried Ecstasy?” I asked.
Louis ran into the room at the sound of moaning, afraid of what he would find. What he did find was Rainbow Dash writhing on the floor, trying to rub her own wings, as nearby Pinkie is slowly humping the arm of the couch. He holds up a finger in thought, as though about to say something, but instead freezes with his mouth open.
“Nope!” Shaking his head, Louis crossed the room and made for the door again, slamming it on the way out.
“And you still owe me for that damn couch!” I bellowed in exasperation.
“Oh come on! What about the time we tried weed?” Dash snarked back.
“I don't feel anything. How about you?” Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie, who was sitting next to her on the couch with a huge plate of brownies in her lap.
“Noperooni! Not a thing. Maybe we need to add more to the next batch. What do you think, Louis?” She turns to her human friend who was splayed across the armchair next to her, eyes red and squinting, as he examined his hand.
“I dunno Pinkie, but you should make some more of these Equestrian Brownies. I suddenly have the munchies!” He trailed off and went into a giggling fit as he started booping his own nose.
“Hey, how do horses pick their noses with hooves anyway?” He stopped for a moment, adopting a really serious look, before another grin spread across his face. “Hah! I bet you find a unicorn to dig it out for you! You, know... with their horn!” Dissolving into another giggling fit, Louis fell off the chair and disappeared from sight, covered by the coffee table.
“I’m alright!” he crowed, as his hand popped into sight.
Both ponies turned to share a concerned look, before chiming simultaneously, “Nope!”
“And you still owe me for all that weed!” I screamed, nearly incoherent.
“I’m so sorry guys, really I am!” The pegasus pleaded. “I really didn't know what it was gonna do. That ass is gonna think twice before he ever pulls some horseapples like that again, too!” She crossed her arms and nodded her head at us.
“Well... Fine. You are on probationary forgiveness, only because I think you ponies are too damn trusting to come up with any real scheming. And besides, Pinkie trusts you. I think.” Pinkie just imitated my raised eyebrow, before giving a slight nod. “But we still gotta find the damn money so we can fix this shit.”
“Oh yeah, that reminds me!” Dash blurted...
“You found the money?” I masterfully interrupted her.
“Uh, no? Although that would have been awesome!” Dash fluffed her feathers at me. I couldn't help but envision her as some sort of bird. Maybe a seagull. Or a pigeon. A really mutated, acid-trippy pigeon.
“Umm, no. I got a message from that chick at the embassy on my Uphone. Something about the validity of my marriage license.” Again, she fluffed her wings like... well like a really butch peacock. Wait, peacocks are male aren’t they? Fuck bird analogies.
“Pfft. Only stupid hipsters use Uphones. Robotz is where it’s at, you corporate nazi.” Pinkie scolded her friend as she rolled her eyes. We both shared a grin and a high five. Well, she only had one, but you know what I mean. Fuck you.
“Whatever.” Rainbow rolled her eyes as well, fluffing her wings one more time. It was starting to get cute, like a really pissed off parrot. I so wanted to give her a cracker. “She wanted to talk to me, so that may mean we have a way out. Let’s get the hell out of this place and get back to being single again!”
“Oh yeah, because you are such a marewhore that you can't wait to go buck your next trophy wife.” The vitriol that dripped from Pinkie’s lips made even me step back in shock.
“Hah! You’re one to talk. At least my human actually loved me.” And just as suddenly as the fire flared in her eyes, it died. Dash turned away. I was sure that neither of us wanted to see the look on her face, so I picked Pinkie up with my hand over her mouth to ensure that the argument ended there.
“Rainbow Dash, fuck you.” I replied flatly. “That being said, we need to put this petty shit behind us and get on with our lives. And by that I mean, let’s get back to being single.” Surprisingly, I felt Pinkie nod under my hand.
It was a long, uncomfortable ride to the embassy. Neither Dash nor Pinkie said a word to each other, and I couldn't help but to dwell on the uncharacteristic harshness of Pinkie’s words. The venom with which her and her colorful friend attacked each other was downright scary. Over and over I replayed the day’s events, as I robotically drove. I knew Pinkie still had feelings for me. Getting married must have been a dream come true for her, even if I didn't return the affection. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, had something happen to her recently, and I could see the wounds were still not healed. The two friends were at odds, and taking it out on each other, leaving me in the middle.
Finally we arrived again, and solemnly marched into the office. The same pony was behind the counter to greet us, and she quickly ushered us into an office. She took a moment to collect a file, and made a display of leafing through it, before clearing her throat to speak.
“Ahem, Miss Rainbow Dash?” She cocked an eyebrow, and looked at the pony in question.
“Yes? Did you find something? A way out of this mess?” Dash flew forward and put her hooves on the desk, until the indignant glare from the other side caused her to move back.
“Well, I have some good news for you. It appears that you entered the marriage contract under false pretenses. When we tried to file the notice with Cloudsdale registry, we received a rather interesting notice in return. It seems that Rainbow Dash is not your real name, after all.” Holding up a document covered in script, she again raised her eyebrow.
the reaction was immediate, and the flier dropped out of the air as if shot, as her eyes went wide, and her wings drooped like melted wax. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”
“Yes. Quite.” The mare behind the desk replied dryly, and then began to read allowed. “Aurora Prism Silverhoof, daughter of Firefly and Rainbow Bolt. Age 23, Coat: Sky Blue, Mane: Variegated Rainbow, Cutie Mark: Cloud with tricolor lightning bolt. Winner of Best Young Flyers competition, Bearer of the Element of Loyalty, Decorated for serviced in cleansing Princess Luna, and defeating Discord.” Pausing, she stared hard at the young pony who was now chewing on her hooves. “This is you, is it not?”
“Y-yes. It’s me.” Sighing, Dash got back to her feet. “I changed my name, unofficially, when I left Cloudsdale. Never bothered to get it legally formalized. Nopony ever seemed to care, and only my old friends from back home knew.”
“Wow, Dashie! I never knew your name was Aurora! It’s such a pretty name too. Why would you change it?” Pinkie finally started to babble. “I mean, I changed my name to Pinkie Pie, because Pinkamina Diane Pie was just too much of a mouthful, but if I had a name like Aurora, I’d never change it!”
“It’s a weak girly name. I got tired of everypony wanting me to be all pretty, and prissy, and dress in style. That’s just not me!” Dash huffed, crossing her arms. “I told all the kids to call me Rainbow Dash, and kept my real name secret. It’s nopony’s business anyway. Ponies change their names all the time, when they discover their special talent has nothing to do with their birth name.”
“It’s true.” The office mare chimed in, addressing my clearly puzzled look. “I mean, if parents named their child Green Tree because she was born with a green mane and coat, then the child turned out to be a master iron worker, then her name would seem sort of silly. So my sister renamed herself Swift Hammer, and shacks up with my coltfriend Coal Shovel, then they form a blacksmithing business together, until the day the cheating bastard sneaks another mare into the forge, and somepony sets the entire thing on fire, burning them all alive...”
Suddenly the room has gotten colder, and the yellow mare snapped from her thousand yard stare as if nothing had happened. “Oh, but where was I?” Me and the girls just looked at each other, all wondering if we should run.
“Umm, my legal name isn't Rainbow Dash?” Dash asked, timidly.
“Oh yes! Mrs. Silverhoof, is it? Since your legal name was not properly filled out on the form, I am afraid that it does not bind you. If you wish to legally be married to these two, you will need to resubmit a corrected marriage license, and use your proper legal name.” The bureaucrat pushed a form across the desk at us. “Just fill out here, and sign here, and the contract will become fully legal.”
“Wait, wait, wait! So as of right now, if I don't sign this, I’m not actually married?” Dash blurted out.
“That is correct.” The mare replied.
“I’m single again?”
“Yes, you are single, unless you file the corrected form. Oh, and the fee will be one hundred bits, for processing.” A hopeful gleam entered the paper pusher's eye, and she suddenly had a very welcoming smile.
“BUCK THAT! I’m single again! WAHOOO!” And like a crack of thunder, our friend, the so called Element of Loyalty, ditched us. Only the rainbow contrail, leading out of the room, and a single blue feather settling slowly to the ground marked her passage.
“Well shit. I guess that means we aren't married, Pinkie.” I turned to my pink friend, and patted her on the head. “What do you wanna do now?”
“Ahem. Not so fast.” Pulling another paper from her file, she shuffled it needlessly. “You two checked out, and the paperwork has been filed. Your names are legal, and your signatures binding. The two of you are still married to one another.” She raised an eyebrow at my look of disappointment. “That is of course, unless you have the money for the divorce?”
“Fuck no! All my money disappeared, and we can’t figure what happened to it. We just wasted all day trying to find out.” I sat back down and put my face in my hands.
“Aww Louis, it’s not so bad. I mean, we can just pre-pretend we are still just f-friends.” Pinkie stuttered, as she patted my knee.
“Oh, that’s right!” Mrs pencil pusher spoke up. “I almost forgot, but you received a letter. They said they didn't know where you lived, Mrs. Pie, but knew you were a famous pony, so asked us to pass it along.”
I stood up and took the letter, opening it when Pinkie shrugged at me. I quickly scanned the short message, and then glared at the photo that was in the envelope. I slowly read it again, before sitting back down and handing the letter to Pinkie.
Dear Mr and Mrs Morgan,
The Lady of the Bleeding Heart orphanage can never thank you enough for all that you have done for us. With your generous donation, we were able to finally complete the much needed expansion for our new exchange program, and allow orphan ponies to trade places with our sister orphanage in Canterlot. The children now have new pony friends to play with, and a much better chance of finding a loving home in one of the two worlds.Thank you, and god bless,
Sister Mary Muffintop
The photo showed a group of human and pony children of various ages, grinning happily as they hugged their new playmates. Behind them stood a human and a pony, both wearing nun habits. Being held up by the front row was a huge novelty check, made out to the orphanage for $300,000. On either side of the check, were both me and Pinkie, also grinning, as Rainbow Dash posed on her belly in front of us all.
“God DAMMIT! I fuckin hate kids!” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and for once, even Pinkie was at a loss for words.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CZdsUTtD8n0hguZ34o1kcVMsVlIBcN2FD9stCoGWH8U/edit#
Well there it is! It's been 7 months since my last real update. SEVEN MONTHS! That's more than half a year!
I really apologize, but life, motivation, work and other things seem to always get in the way. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and waiting do patiently for this.
If you are looking for the christmas chapters, they are still around. I decided to move them to their own side story, which will be published soon as my editor has a go at them.
Now for the bad news. I have decided to start winding down the story, and bring it to a close. All of you shipping haters, you have been warned. The story of Louis and Pinkie will be taking on one final arc, with them finally coming together as a couple at the end.
Now, that being said, don't panic. I just ran outta stuff to write about in this format, and plan to take the story elsewhere. I already have two side story ideas in the works, as well as a sequel with Pinkie and Louis as a married couple. Still not 100% decided, but I was thinking of doing an Always Sunny kinda story, with them owning a bar or something.
Thanks once again to my editor, and to my fans, without which this would suck and I would have given up long ago.
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Oh, this chapter is freaking awesome!!!
Update! Woohoo!
Great chapter as always.
lol The Hangover - pony edition.
Priceless
So you decided to do The Hangover. Okay then
thanks for the update!
So, we're doing a hangover and drunken Vegas wedding story now? Okay.
That is all.
That was epic! Keep up the good work.
Seven months and we get The Hangover, Pony-Style. ... I'm okay with this.
Hah, so many things went wrong that it actually resulted in it being kinda sorta right
well,
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d8/ac/a5/d8aca5f9d61ea4894ce19cbfc9e1de52.jpg
I really do hope they stay as friends. It really is disturbing how little Pinkamena cares about others and would simply rather follow her whims.
Thanks, I really needed to throw up this morning.
*throws up again* Dude.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the single gayest sentence in history.
*throws up AGAIN*
Tired joke is tired.
(Nah, it's still funny.)
And this may be the most idiotic thing I've ever seen in a fanfic. I'm sorry, but this is just...dumb.
Yyyyyyyeah this right here is just...bad.
I'm glad you're about to bring this story to a close. To be honest, until I saw that in the A/N, I was about to unfave this. I'll stick with it to the end...maybe.
Good chapter and it was worth the wait.
Well, at least his fortune died for a literal good cause...and the shippers of Louis and Pinkie are happy 4 the moment.
5980882
I should be sad to say this, but I've heard worse. On Youtube.
Huh, Aurorua...
I wonder if Pinkie can skip the very expensive red tape and just get one of the Princesses to annul the paperwork marriage? I don't see any other way of him finding $50,000 just laying about and using Pinkie to win at gambling again won't work (the pony's been blacklisted at every casino by now most likely).
5982648 Lol, actually the name Aurora Prism Silverhoof (or something similar) was something I totally ripped off from another story I once read. I just wish I could remember which one...
I was halfway tempted to just have the marriage inexplicably annulled for no good reason, as a nod to how most sitcoms seem to have little continuity, and life always seems to go back to normal at the end of the zany episode. But i changed my mind. Better or worse, they are stuck with each other for a while.
5980882 Sorry to hear you didn't like it. With the exception of the ending, I was actually pretty happy with the way it turned out. I'm surprised that all my readers are not immune to my twisted brand of sick humor. Oh well, you can't please everyone, and I honestly stopped trying to around 4th grade. My life has been much better for it since then.
Welcome back.
Given that they do live on earth, polygamy would be illegal.
5988760 Polygamy has nothing to do with the planet/dimension. Its more a social/religious thing. It's quite legal in many parts of the world. And as the ponies are basically forein dignitaries, their laws and culture would be respected. This is also why they had to go to the pony embassy and get an Equestrian marriage license.
A better observation is on how well Pinkie was dealing with it, since she already admitted she has a bit of a hangup about sharing.
5991108
Well Pinkie refuses to take no for an answer and will take any and all opportunities to get her human. I wouldn't be surprised she knew what was happening during the hangover, but refused to stop.
Still, not sure what the policies are concerning citizens that are determined by foreign law. Can't help but remember Lethal Weapon...
Get a decent layer and take it onto a court show.
But... But fukitol is what he was taking for the suicidal thoughts earlier! You reused a joke!!! SHAME!!!
6002939 Wait, did I? what chapter? Dammit I may have to go back and fix that
6004743
The last chapter, pinkie green. Near the end.
6005054 Ahh yes, the bonus scene. I forgot all about that bit. Meh, I'll just leave it there anyway.
Once again, if there were one story that I'd give a second thumbs up to...
Let me get this straight in Equestira a place with easy to make mind altering potions(example love poison) that can and has ruined a kingdom and mind control spell that can be cast during a wedding and not be noticed, but even if things like the above happen there is no way to annul a marriage without paying a massive fine? So if someone where to drug Twilight and then marry her to someone else in Las Peggasus could they just repeat the process until she is bankrupt? Heck Chrysalis could have just dragged Shinning Armor to a chapel under mind control wed him and he would have had to pay to have it annulled?
6098617 With all the weird, nonsensical shit in my story, this is the one you want to make sense? As my friends like to say, blame the script gods. Lol, I always wanted to make fun of that line in the song: "Two hearts becoming one, a bond that cannot be undone!" Every time I hear it I get an image in my head of the divorce judge passing judgement and Shiney losing everything, having to pay child support and alimony, etc. I have an entire comic strip in my head, but cant draw for shit,
6235840 Id have to read it again, and probably ask her, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a dream sequence after this chapter.
So, this mare peed on your rug?
That rug really tied the room together.
6262671 Lol, sadly not a Lebowski reference. I only just watched the movie 2 days ago, and still don't get why it's so popular.
Probably woulda been a good joke to use, if i had thought of it.
6263066
The movie is very philosophical, referencing a lot of dadaistic philosophy in particular.
If you a search for philosophy and the Big Lebowski, you'll find articles that put a lot of things in the movie into perspective.
The characters are also based on real people.
6265931 Meh, I got a few chuckles, but all it did for me was make me wanna strangle John Goodman.
6266979
It gave me cravings for white Russians.
When asked if he likes white Russians, Bridges replied with "When I feel like drinking a dessert."
Damn my sweet tooth!
It's sad to see this story is coming to an end. A part of me wishes that Louis would overcome his discomfort with the species boundary, but maintain that he and Pinkie still just aren't compatible as a couple.
Pinkie loves him, sure, but one of life's important lessons is that we can't force a relationship to be something it's not.
Well I'm alive and healthy so no rushing here.
Well, looking forward to the climax!
6537052
Indeed I do. at the time, though, I wasnt really thinking fully on what I was saying. xD
So they didn't get the money back. But still, even if they were drugged at the time, I still think donating all that money to the orphanage was still really wonderful. :) And hey, if you're going to lose $300,000, better to learn that at least it went to a good cause, right? :)