A privacy seeking Wonderbolt runs off to Ponyville, abandoning her team in a pivotal point in their career to escape her fame for a little while.
As you could expect, things don't go so smoothly.
Photo Finish discovers her, and threatens to expose her secret to the world, which could land the high flying aerobat in a spectacular amount of trouble. The Wonderbolt must now decide if she values her own secrets over that of her teammates, resulting in a hilarious quest to make the magics.
Chapters (8)
It's not too bad. It seems a little rushed, because so much has happened in so little time, and the plot seems very unlike Fleetfoot. She is very attention seeking, did you see the Olympic Episode? It is also very unlike Photo Finish, because she is not a thief, nor is she a journalist, and never has she done anything more than walk. It seems rushed, maybe the plot will thicken later on. I shall keep reading.
3891478 it does seem a bit rushed, and it for sure isn't a comedy. There was nothing funny about it, and you wrote most of her lines in another language! Never in the show has anyone spoke another language ( except Applebloom) and so it just seems far out.
3891496
If she speaks with an accent, it typically means that
1. English is a secondary language to her, or
2. She grew up around people who speak with that same accent.
I just figured that she spoke German, simply because of her accent in the show.
There will be funny parts, rest assured.
3891496 Most of the time negativity doesn't get to many up votes, but this time, it's not really bad, it's just criticism. It's a pretty nice story, but it could be better
3891514 It still doesn't seem right, I mean its funny the way that people write her roles, because they all typically have z instead of s. But German? Wierd.
3891525 I didn't know that she was German!!!
3891555 Ponies speaking other languages is now canon. There's Applebloom and the French language, Photo Finish with her German acccent and as of Pinkie Pride, Pinkie can now speak Spanish.
On that note, a certain alicorn's name is Gratuitous Italian.
Click here. I also didn't think that PF would be that sort of pony. Maybe a grudge, perhaps?
So far, I like it. However, there are times when it feels a bit rushed.
My German isn't very good, but I think it should be "Ich werde Ihre Fettpölsterchen abgeschnitten!", or better "Ich werde deine Fettpölsterchen abgeschnitten!" ("Ihre" in this case is a honorific term, like "I'm going to cut your love handles off, madam!" while "deine" is a normal way of saying "your".
I also have a rather hard time imagining Photo Finish doing parkour. But Fleetfoot taking a break is a nice idea.
3915534
Thank you for pointing that out! I changed the line, hopefully now it's more authentic. Also, I'm glad you got the German jokes! I was wondering when somebody would find it.
Out of curiosity, why did Fleetfoot join the Wonderbolts in the first place if she hated the fame so much?
So far, the story seems to be a series of largely unconnected events, with each chapter mostly self-contained. I look forward to seeing how you intend to tie it all together.
3915796
She realized she hated fame after joining the Wonderbolts. She grew tired of it the longer she remained famous.
Also, thank your for reading! Expect the chapters to come out today or tomorrow!.
You asked for people to take a look at this, so that's what I'm doing.
Besides a few minor issues, I enjoyed this story overall. It's caught my interest; I'm genuinely curious to see where Fleetfoot plans to go with this new life of hers. It's a good setup for an "ex-celebrity in hiding" story.
As others have stated, though, the pacing can feel a little... fast at times, and a lot of plot threads have been dumped on us all at once (Photo Finish's blackmail gambit, the "stealth rivalry" with Rainbow Dash, the quest to deliver the necklace, Riko's hot-and-cold badassery and questionable interest in Fleetfoot).
They may very well end up tied together, but so far it's all been somewhat disjointed exposition. As of chapter 4, however, it certainly feels like we're about to kick off the main plot.
Now, about those issues? Nothing too serious, but I couldn't call this a genuine review if I didn't bring them up.
1. Purple prose.
It's not gratuitously over the top, but it's there. Some things are worded awkwardly, especially since it's first person; Fleetfoot often feels more like she's writing an essay or autobiography as opposed to speaking naturally. Note that I'm mostly talking about the narration. Her actual spoken dialogue is pretty much fine.
Now, that's not to say that athletes can't be intelligent and well-educated (many MMA fighters have university degrees), but most people — intellectuals in particular — almost never go out of their way to try and "sound" smart. Doing so is the mark of a wannabe, and keeping things succinct and concise is true proof of clarity in one's thoughts.
2. Sentence/paragraph structure and word efficiency.
Before I start this point, I'd just like to say that I am not a master of this field. The points I'm making here could easily be thrown right back at my own story should you read it in return (more on that later).
The issue here is a blend of sentence/paragraph structure (specifically, the definition of a subject) and word efficiency. So, really, like that obnoxiously bold header above said.
Now, apply the Touch of Chrono_Ryono, and we get...
There ya go. I've shaved off 16 words (48 vs 64).
On top of that, I've established that Ponyville is the setting/subject and that it's a "quaint little town" in the first sentence, and then I don't have to define anything else about it for the rest of the paragraph. In your case, you did it over two sentences, and while that's usually fine... more critical readers would likely complain that referring to the subject twice in succession like that can look a little clunky.
Now, remember that this is mostly subjective. I may have lost something in translation; something you had written in to the paragraph on purpose. I didn't mention Canterlot's proximity ("a few hours away") literally, for example, and thus you should take this particular "correction" with a grain of salt.
3. Out-of-character moment.
This is kind of an extension of point 1, and it all stems from a single line; a single word, in fact.
I'm talking about Rainbow Dash's use of the word "caliber."
Now, for all I know (I barely remember) she may have used similarly "complex" language in the past. But, I can't shake the feeling that she's taking a leaf from Twilight and/or Rarity's speech patterns there... as opposed to her own.
Consider that moment the catalyst for bringing up this point at all.
On the plus side, Photo Finish is magnificent.
4. New speaker, new paragraph.
This one speaks for itself.
You don't do it all the time (or even often enough to be jarring), but it's there. A new speaker must always herald the beginning of a new paragraph. The exception is when you intersperse another character's thoughts (usually those of the story's first person perspective, so in this case, Fleetfoot) between pieces of dialogue.
If you've established that italics indicate the character's thoughts, then this would be perfectly valid.
This, on the other hand, is outright wrong. It's not even a stylistic choice; a first or second grade teacher will mark this incorrect. Two speakers, two paragraphs.
5. Dialogue tags.
Ah, dialogue tags. We meet again.
"She" actually shouldn't be capitalized; the above is (supposed to be) all one sentence. Break the sentence structure down into subject, object, and action. "She" is the subject, performing a past-tense "yell" upon the object, which is the dialogue itself. It's all part of the same sentence for the same reason "he stabbed me in the heart" is correct while "he stabbed me. In the heart." is a sentence fragment (i.e. wrong).
Similarly, capitalizing "she" turns it into a new sentence, which would then require a new subject. Ergo, you've essentially created a second sentence stating "she yelled, awestruck by my performance." A reader could quite validly ask "what did she yell?" as there's no reference to it, which the non-capitalized "she" would fix.
I'm sorry if I worded that badly. I still haven't mastered my little dialogue tag spiel yet. I hope you understood my point.
6. On the subject of language... (this isn't actually a criticism).
I'm happy to say that the "purple prose" and overly complex language issues I mentioned above indirectly lead me to a compliment - your own language skills are great. The only things worth noting in this field are the occasional typo ("nuetral" and "no sign if her" come to mind).
So... there we go. All done!
I will be following this story, as it's piqued my interest. Besides those above nitpicks, I would still classify this as a decent piece of writing!
Since your topic specified the possibility of a return review, here is my story. Now, it's 54k words, and only about 25–30% complete, so I won't blame you if you skip it. It's just there in case you're bored.
Thanks for the opportunity to practice my reviewing skills! It's something I don't get to do enough.
3919591
Thank for taking your time to review this, and after reading over your critiques meticulously, I have this to say.
Regarding point one, I do tend to get wordy at times, and have made a note not to over complicate the language in my writing.
Point two, I was a little iffy on. I understand the point I was trying to convey could have been executed in fewer words, however, I decided to keep this unedited as a stylistic choice.
Point three, you are absolutely correct on. I have changed the dialogue to be more akin to Dash's speech mannerisms.
Point four, I know. I try to make a note of separating the speakers, though I often don't catch it when I re-read.
This point was one I wasn't aware of. I didn't realize this was actually incorrect, so I will be editing the current chapters for this error.
To point six, I would like to say thanks!
Also, about the pacing, I have done a few slight edits to slow things down a bit, though I do tend to rush my beginnings often, (typically because I don't want to forget the idea in my head,)
I will probably have to edit further, but for now that is what I have done. Thank you for sharing your ideas on my story! I am currently reading yours, (It's a bit longer than mine, I may need a day or two.)
I'll try to leave a review as detailed and helpful as yours in your comments as well, so keep an eye out!
-Delta
Reference to Avatar: The Last Airbender?
Riko hacking up stuff like the penguin from Penguins of Madagascar? Is that another reference?
4573000 wow, I'm impressed. You got both of them
Fleetwood! Go help Bon Bon!
it's "he and I" because if you take out "and I" and change the verb form it should say "he was working" not "him was working."
4573021 Yay!
4573045
Thank you for that. I try to catch everything I can when I proofread, but it's obvious I need an editor,