Bombshells

by 007Delta

Every Soul Has it's Price

I sat, nervously swirling white foam atop my hayseed mocha with my straw. My hooves were quivering slightly; not from the caffeine, but from the suspense. I had no idea if Photo Finish would actually send for me, or if I was just wasting my time drinking coffee. As of right now, it had been full hour, give or take. Now I would find out just how honest Photo Finish truly was. I figured I should allow a few extra minutes to give her time to locate me, but so far there was no sign of her or any of her many assistants. I silently cursed myself multiple times. I was visibly shaking as I waited, and Ponies were beginning to take notice.

I looked like a nervous wreck. I was sweating, drinking cup after cup of coffee, and I would jerk my head to the door every time it opened. The business at this hour was rather slow, and thankfully, there weren't a whole lot of people to witness me in my state.

When finally, I witnessed a poshly dressed, show white stallion walk through the door. He looked around the coffee shop, before resting his eyes upon me, and trotted his way to my table. Immediately, my body relaxed. He wore purple sunglasses similar to Photo Finishes, and as he sat down, he spoke.

"Fleetfoot?" He asked quietly. I nodded my head discreetly. "That's me,". He gave a quick nod, before motioning with his head, for us to head outside. We both stood up simultaneously, before exiting the coffee shop together. I swear, he seemed more like a secret agent than he did an assistant of a fashion photographer.

He led me down a few main streets, before arriving at the front of a quaint looking motel, about 3 stories high. He opened the door for me, allowing me to walk inside, before letting go and quickly retaking the lead. We climbed a short flight of steps to the second floor, and continued down a plain looking hallway. He stopped outside of the one marked, "222".

What he did next both scared the living daylights out of me and made me want to throw up. He put his hoof to his throat, before giving a big heave... And out of his throat shot a silver key, which was attached to a string, fixed around his tongue. It bounced off the wood on the door and swung directly toward me, but just before it made contact with my coat, he caught in his hoof, and unlocked the door with it. As it slowly opened, I could hear a gulping noise, which signaled that he had re swallowed the key.

"What in the sweet name of Celestia was that?!" I blurted out, but he stood there, his expression unchanged. "That was disgusting!"

"Photo Finish is waiting for you inside." Came his neutral response.

I walked inside, keeping a eye on that strange pony, just in case he decided to cough up something else. As I entered, I noticed that the entire room was dimly lit, with hundreds of newspapers from several agencies plastered around like wallpaper. For the most part, it looked like a regular hotel room. There was one bed, a nightstand, and an alarm clock on top. Photo Finish was staring at me, her purple sunglasses off to the side. She had taken one of the tables in the motel room, and arranged it like a desk. There were two stools on either side.

"Take a seat,". She said calmly, motioning to one across from her.

As I sat, I couldn't help but ask. "What is wrong with your assistant out there?"

"I zee you have met Riko. He is very enthusiastic about his job." She gave a dismissive wave. "Zat is besides ze point. I have decided that I vill not expose your photos. However, this will come at great cost to me, therefore, I vill require zat you compensate me for my loss."

My face hardened. "How... How much do you want?" I asked slowly,

"I don't vant money. I have plenty of zat." She took her purple sunglasses and began to clean them on her clothes.

"What do you want then?"

"You zee, as a simple fashion photographer, people don't tend to think of me as much. They see me and say, 'look! A simpleminded fashionista, who gets paid to picture-graph other fashionista!' It's infuriating. I am sick and tired of ze fashion world. It's full of small minded ponies who's only worries are what $5000 dress they are going where zat day." She made a gagging noise. "It zickens me!"

She put her hoof on the table. "Zat is why I have decided to leave zat world. My new goal in life is to make ponies take me zeriously!"

I still didn't follow her logic. "So what do you need those pictures for if all you want is for people to, 'take you zeriously'?"

Photo scoffed at my mockery of her accent. "I need zem because I need news." She stood up on both her hind legs. "I am leaving the fashion world to enter,". She paused for dramatic effect. "the Journalisms!" She threw her hooves into the air, as if she was making a groundbreaking announcement.

At this point, my brain had been fried so thoroughly that the voice inside of my head stopped talking. I had no words to say to this crazy mare. All I could feel was a slight twinge of annoyance.

She continued talking. "By giving high quality news, people vill start to respect the things I say. That is how I plan to achieve my goal. It is foolproof!"

Suddenly, I began to get angry. I was a just mere stepping stone in this mare's quest for respect, and now she was trying to hold my privacy for ransom.

I slammed my hoof into the table. "I don't care about what you plan to do! I don't care! I just want you to hand me those pictures so I can get on my way, and live the rest of my life. In privacy!" I buried my face in my right hoof. "Now how much to you want for the damn pictures!"

Photo Finish merely began laughing. "Those pictures are not significant to me because of their value in money,". She put her glasses on her head. "Zey are valuable because it is breaking news. I don't vant you to compensate me with money, I vant you to go get me some new news."

I was dumbstruck. The only thing I could do at that moment was stare at her. How could this pony have the audacity to ask such a thing? How dare she? I stood up from my seat, my mind already made. "No! I'm not going to violate other pony's privacy just to ensure my own, that's horrible!"

Photo Finish's face was dead serious. "Not just anypony's privacy, I want a provocative story like yours. Something that vill make the people stop, gasp, and drop the paper where they stand"

I looked up from behind my hoof.

"Because of you sudden disappearance, everyone has been keeping a very close eye on the rest of the team. It's all anypony is talking about."

"What, you want me to get some news on them?"

She nodded her head. "Exactly!"

"No. I'm not doing any of this. What makes you think I could go unnoticed? They know what I look like, I'm one of them!"

"Was one of them,". She corrected, pointing to the latest headline on the wall.

I ignored her remark. "I won't be able to just waltz in there and snap a few pictures without being recognized. Besides, why do you think I would betray my team like that?"

She looked directly into my eyes. "You've abandoned them once already,"

I didn't want to speak to her anymore. "Screw you Photo Finish, I'm not going to betray my friends."

"Zen I'm just going to have to publish your pictures."

I stopped. Anger was beginning to cloud my judgement, and as I turned around to the paparazzi, I raised my hoof. "You better give me those pictures, or I swear to Celestia,"

"Vat, are you going to hit me? Please. Don't make anymore headlines for yourself if you want to live in peace."

"One more word, I swear."

From behind me, I heard Rico enter the room. There was a gagging sound, and when I turned around, he was holding a switchblade.

There was a small pause, before Photo spoke up. "No need for zat, Riko, I vill handle zis myself." She turned to me, a serious expression upon her face. "Your choices are this; Go undercover for me, and dig some dirt on ze Wonderbolts, or leave now, and see your story in the paper tomorrow morning. Make your choice."

I looked between Riko and Photo Finish, desperately trying to make a decision. If I walked away now, Spitfire would find me and... I don't even want to think about her reaction. She got physical when she caught me with coffee. If she found out where I had ran off to, her reaction would be legendary. However, if I followed along in Photo's ruse, I will get to keep my new lifestyle. If I succeeded.

I bit my lip, forcing myself to make a decision. My brain told me to walk out. It was the most logical thing to do, but my heart was here in Ponyville. During this last week, I have discovered that I love this little town, and it pained me to think that I might lose it all.

"I need an answer, Fleetfoot!"

I put my head down in shame as I vocalized my next words. "...I'll go undercover"

Photo Finish smiled and threw her hands in the air. "Excellent! Velcome aboard, Fleetfoot!" Suddenly, her face twisted with thought. "No no, I cannot call you Fleetfoot... We need to give you a new name.

"Tradewind Potluck,". I said softly,

"Yes! Zat is perfect! Potluck ze reporter!" She smiled. "I like zat name, it rolls of ze tongue like bowling ball down alley." She jumped from around her desk. "I will consult with you tomorrow, I need some time to figure out a disguise for you... Sneaking you underneath your team mates noses won't be easy..." Suddenly, I began to get nervous. "But I will do it no less! Now go! Gogogo!" She ushered me out of the door, and slammed it as soon as I was in the hallway.

I simply stared at the wall, trying to process the events of the last few minutes. What have I gotten myself into...

My train of thought was interrupted when Photo Finish re-opened her door, before kicking Riko out of her room, who was as confused and startled as I was. She slammed the door, which hit him in his rump slightly, causing a slight yell of pain. He stood up, stretched his legs, before noticing that I was looking at him. He waved at me slightly, but I didn't bother waving back. I didn't like him at all, he was the epitome of creepy. I simply walked away, heading down the steps we had traveled in the first place. I could hear him call a quick, "goodbye," as I disappeared down the steps, but I ignored that as well.

As I stepped outside, I found myself doing the last thing I expected to be doing. On my face, sat a strange and out of place smile. It wasn't one of happiness or joy, but one of disbelief. The kind of smile you find yourself wearing when you're about to do something dangerously stupid. "What the hell have I gotten myself into this time,". I said to no one in particular, before I began chuckling my way down the street. I knew how risky it was, but my brain thought it was funny that I had accepted anyway. As I laughed, I heard a figure galloping up to me. I turned around to see Riko, running with something black in his mouth. (Mind out of the gutter, you.)

As he approached, I recognized it as a bag. It was plain and unmarked, with some sort of box inside it. It looked awfully familiar, and as I pondered these thoughts, I noticed that my left wing felt a bit too light. Then I remembered.

"Hey Tradewind!" He called to me, his voice a bit muffled. "You dropped this!"

He placed the box at my feet, only for me to have a blank stare on my face. How could I be so absentminded? I almost lost $3500 worth of jewelry! Not that I really needed the money anyway, but still.

"Uh, are you alright?"

I snapped out of my thoughts. "Oh, yes! Thank you Riko." I smiled at him sheepishly. He was strange, but at least he was a gentlecolt. As I thanked him, I noticed something. He looked at me intently, like he was recording me with his eyes... Yet I wasn't disturbed by it. The way he looked at me was just... Benign.

"Sorry I had to pull out the knife... I just want to let you know that I wouldn't have used it on you,"

I didn't quite know what to say to this. I just looked around uncomfortably.

There was a long pause between us both. It was as if the sheer awkwardness of the situation was slowing down time, each second becoming hours as we both displayed how socially inept we were.

"I... I guess I'll see you later then," he finally stated shyly,

"Yup," I said quickly, before scooping up the box and trotting off.

"Goodbye," he called to me again,

I hesitated, wondering if I should acknowledge him. After pondering the question, I made a quick decision.

"...See you around,". I called back.

Author's Note:

Sorry for the small wait, I've been pretty busy with life outside of Fimfiction. (I know, it's hard to believe I have one!). Anyway, let me know what you guys think of the story in the comments, I could use some criticisms.

Thank you for reading,

-Delta

Comments

[HB_DS2013]

3891555 Ponies speaking other languages is now canon. There's Applebloom and the French language, Photo Finish with her German acccent and as of Pinkie Pride, Pinkie can now speak Spanish.

On that note, a certain alicorn's name is Gratuitous Italian.

Click here. I also didn't think that PF would be that sort of pony. Maybe a grudge, perhaps?

[007Delta]

3915534

Thank you for pointing that out! I changed the line, hopefully now it's more authentic. Also, I'm glad you got the German jokes! I was wondering when somebody would find it.

[Written Out]

Out of curiosity, why did Fleetfoot join the Wonderbolts in the first place if she hated the fame so much?

So far, the story seems to be a series of largely unconnected events, with each chapter mostly self-contained. I look forward to seeing how you intend to tie it all together.

[007Delta]

3915796

She realized she hated fame after joining the Wonderbolts. She grew tired of it the longer she remained famous.

Also, thank your for reading! Expect the chapters to come out today or tomorrow!.

[Chrono_Ryono]

You asked for people to take a look at this, so that's what I'm doing.

Besides a few minor issues, I enjoyed this story overall. It's caught my interest; I'm genuinely curious to see where Fleetfoot plans to go with this new life of hers. It's a good setup for an "ex-celebrity in hiding" story.

As others have stated, though, the pacing can feel a little... fast at times, and a lot of plot threads have been dumped on us all at once (Photo Finish's blackmail gambit, the "stealth rivalry" with Rainbow Dash, the quest to deliver the necklace, Riko's hot-and-cold badassery and questionable interest in Fleetfoot).

They may very well end up tied together, but so far it's all been somewhat disjointed exposition. As of chapter 4, however, it certainly feels like we're about to kick off the main plot.

Now, about those issues? Nothing too serious, but I couldn't call this a genuine review if I didn't bring them up.

1. Purple prose.
It's not gratuitously over the top, but it's there. Some things are worded awkwardly, especially since it's first person; Fleetfoot often feels more like she's writing an essay or autobiography as opposed to speaking naturally. Note that I'm mostly talking about the narration. Her actual spoken dialogue is pretty much fine.

Now, that's not to say that athletes can't be intelligent and well-educated (many MMA fighters have university degrees), but most people — intellectuals in particular — almost never go out of their way to try and "sound" smart. Doing so is the mark of a wannabe, and keeping things succinct and concise is true proof of clarity in one's thoughts.

2. Sentence/paragraph structure and word efficiency.
Before I start this point, I'd just like to say that I am not a master of this field. The points I'm making here could easily be thrown right back at my own story should you read it in return (more on that later).

The issue here is a blend of sentence/paragraph structure (specifically, the definition of a subject) and word efficiency. So, really, like that obnoxiously bold header above said.

It was a rare occasion for a Wonderbolt to show up in Ponyville. For that matter, it was a rare occasion for anyone of higher notoriety to find themselves in the quaint town, especially with Canterlot situated only a few hours away. Ponyville was a mere village compared to the mountainside metropolis, and everypony who was anypony flocked to that alpestrine ode to architecture.

Now, apply the Touch of Chrono_Ryono, and we get...

"It was a rare occasion for a Wonderbolt to show up in a quaint little town like Ponyville. Heck, it was rare for anyone of higher notoriety — "anypony who was anypony" as it were — to find themselves there, literally and figuratively overshadowed by the magnificent mountainside metropolis Canterlot."

There ya go. I've shaved off 16 words (48 vs 64).
On top of that, I've established that Ponyville is the setting/subject and that it's a "quaint little town" in the first sentence, and then I don't have to define anything else about it for the rest of the paragraph. In your case, you did it over two sentences, and while that's usually fine... more critical readers would likely complain that referring to the subject twice in succession like that can look a little clunky.

Now, remember that this is mostly subjective. I may have lost something in translation; something you had written in to the paragraph on purpose. I didn't mention Canterlot's proximity ("a few hours away") literally, for example, and thus you should take this particular "correction" with a grain of salt.

3. Out-of-character moment.
This is kind of an extension of point 1, and it all stems from a single line; a single word, in fact.

I'm talking about Rainbow Dash's use of the word "caliber."
Now, for all I know (I barely remember) she may have used similarly "complex" language in the past. But, I can't shake the feeling that she's taking a leaf from Twilight and/or Rarity's speech patterns there... as opposed to her own.

Consider that moment the catalyst for bringing up this point at all.
On the plus side, Photo Finish is magnificent.

4. New speaker, new paragraph.
This one speaks for itself.

You don't do it all the time (or even often enough to be jarring), but it's there. A new speaker must always herald the beginning of a new paragraph. The exception is when you intersperse another character's thoughts (usually those of the story's first person perspective, so in this case, Fleetfoot) between pieces of dialogue.

"Who are you?" she whispered. Why do you care? She grew more uncomfortable as I continued to stare with no hint of answering. "I've... never seen you around..."

If you've established that italics indicate the character's thoughts, then this would be perfectly valid.

"Who are you?" she whispered. "Why do you care?" I replied evenly. "I've never seen you around..."

This, on the other hand, is outright wrong. It's not even a stylistic choice; a first or second grade teacher will mark this incorrect. Two speakers, two paragraphs.

5. Dialogue tags.

"How did you do that?" She yelled, awestruck by my performance.

Ah, dialogue tags. We meet again.

"She" actually shouldn't be capitalized; the above is (supposed to be) all one sentence. Break the sentence structure down into subject, object, and action. "She" is the subject, performing a past-tense "yell" upon the object, which is the dialogue itself. It's all part of the same sentence for the same reason "he stabbed me in the heart" is correct while "he stabbed me. In the heart." is a sentence fragment (i.e. wrong).

Similarly, capitalizing "she" turns it into a new sentence, which would then require a new subject. Ergo, you've essentially created a second sentence stating "she yelled, awestruck by my performance." A reader could quite validly ask "what did she yell?" as there's no reference to it, which the non-capitalized "she" would fix.

I'm sorry if I worded that badly. I still haven't mastered my little dialogue tag spiel yet. I hope you understood my point.

6. On the subject of language... (this isn't actually a criticism).
I'm happy to say that the "purple prose" and overly complex language issues I mentioned above indirectly lead me to a compliment - your own language skills are great. The only things worth noting in this field are the occasional typo ("nuetral" and "no sign if her" come to mind).

So... there we go. All done!
I will be following this story, as it's piqued my interest. Besides those above nitpicks, I would still classify this as a decent piece of writing!

Since your topic specified the possibility of a return review, here is my story. Now, it's 54k words, and only about 25–30% complete, so I won't blame you if you skip it. It's just there in case you're bored.

Thanks for the opportunity to practice my reviewing skills! It's something I don't get to do enough.

[007Delta]

3919591

Thank for taking your time to review this, and after reading over your critiques meticulously, I have this to say.

Regarding point one, I do tend to get wordy at times, and have made a note not to over complicate the language in my writing.

Point two, I was a little iffy on. I understand the point I was trying to convey could have been executed in fewer words, however, I decided to keep this unedited as a stylistic choice.

Point three, you are absolutely correct on. I have changed the dialogue to be more akin to Dash's speech mannerisms.

Point four, I know. I try to make a note of separating the speakers, though I often don't catch it when I re-read.

This point was one I wasn't aware of. I didn't realize this was actually incorrect, so I will be editing the current chapters for this error.

To point six, I would like to say thanks!

Also, about the pacing, I have done a few slight edits to slow things down a bit, though I do tend to rush my beginnings often, (typically because I don't want to forget the idea in my head,)

I will probably have to edit further, but for now that is what I have done. Thank you for sharing your ideas on my story! I am currently reading yours, (It's a bit longer than mine, I may need a day or two.)

I'll try to leave a review as detailed and helpful as yours in your comments as well, so keep an eye out!

-Delta

[Tennis Match Fan]

Riko hacking up stuff like the penguin from Penguins of Madagascar? Is that another reference?