The Bacon Trade

by Secrios

Carving Meat For Bucked Up Dummies

The sound of squirms and squeals echoed down the basement hallway. Harold was dragging the three pigs down the concrete floor to the bucket. Their whining was getting on his nerves.

“Can you just be quiet! We’re doing this so we won’t have to kill you first,” Harold scolded the hostages.

Raising the swine above the water, he was about to drop them in when his hoof were blocked by Tony.

“Woah there! What you think you're doing? If you want to keep the original livestock, you’re going to have to mark them first,” explained Tony

Harold tilted his head in confusion, “Why?”

“Because if you dunk them fellas in without marking them, you will lose track of who's who.”

“Why does it matter though?” Vincent asked.

Tony held up a book and started to read, “In Equestrian law, illusions and dopplegangers don’t count as actual beings. If we waste any of these illusions and get caught, we are more likely to get a lighter sentence than if we kill the originals.”

“But we are criminals, why are we reading out of a law book?” Vincent asked.

“Let’s put it this way; for the sake of your plot, would you want three or twenty five years in prison?” Tony lectured.

Vincent looked at his plot with a worried expression.

“You're right,” He gulped.

“Good, now would you kindly mark these porkers,” Tony asked.

Vincent got his horn and poked the pigs flanks one by one (Not in the way you think it is). His green magic burned a symbol which looked like bacon on the flank of each of the pigs.

“Well looky there, you finally got a cutie mark!” Vinnie insulted the swine.

Tony nodded at Harold to lower them in while Vincent whispered the incantation. With a simple drop in the bucket, they popped out in twice the numbers, like bursting popcorn. The new pigs squirmed around in circles within the locked room. Harold kept the originals within his grasp to avoid confusion. Tony and Vincent had to calm them down. Tony pulled open a draw with a syringe and tranquiliser bottle.

“Aye, Vinnie! Hold them still!” Tony ordered.

Vincent ran around and grabbed one of the piggies by the tail. With a quick jab, the pig’s pupils widened as its vision faded.

“That’s one,” Tony said.

Vincent tried to reach for the other piggy. He used his magic to pull it towards him. With a quick jab once again, the pig was out cold.

“That’s two, one more!” Tony called out again.

The last pig was a tricky one, he ran from left to right of the room, oinking away.

“Catch that pig!” Tony yelled.

Vincent chased the pig all around the room, unable to even get within one meter of the little bugger. Tony sighed and had to join in to with his syringe sticking out.

“What the buck is this pig on?” asked Vince.

To the three ponies’ surprise, one of the pigs talked.

“Ya! That must be Stiner’s clone, he has ADD and a caffeine addiction,” said the eldest of the three pigs.

“Wow, thanks!” Tony said in a cheerful mood.

“Ya! Don’t mention it” the pig snorted.

Tony ran towards the pig in full force.

“I have you now, you chowder brain!”

With a sharp turn, the pig missed Tony’s lunge. The needle made a sudden stop… it struck Harold’s flank.

“Guys, what was that?” Harold asked.

“Err, bedtime?” Tony replied awkwardly.

Within moments Harold collapsed, releasing the other three pigs, adding more to the chaos. Vincent had just about enough. He pointed his horn at Steiners clone and blasted that jackrabbit right in its tracks. It turned the porker in to actual pork, smoked as the most well done of all dishes.

“Let this be a lesson to the rest of you!” Vincent yelled at the five surviving pigs, his brow about to burst.

The three original pigs squirmed to the corner of the room in fear. If they could shiver any more, they would look like streaky bacon.

Tony looked towards Harold. He snored so peacefully. Vincent walked towards Tony.

“Will he be ok?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about it, he will be awake just in time for dinner… ribs,” Tony added, looking towards the burnt pig clone.

--

Hours have past and Harold became less groggy. All he could feel was the couch they set up in the basement and the air that was above room temperature for some reason. Then it hit him; a smell traveled down his nose and began to make him salivate. The smells similarity caused him to wake up and smell the coffee… I meant food. Across from where he sat was a table with a plate ready to be feasted upon.

“Good gravy, is that pork!?” he asked out loud.

An italian pony popped round the walkway to the kitchen, with a big chefs hat. It was quite obviously Tony.

“Better than that!” he said with a smile.

Vince popped out the corner with a hair net and began to levitate the pot to the table. Just the steam from the pot made him hungry. Like two waiters, the unicorn and mob boss walked round the table; grins and all. Harold felt a rush of excitement as he bounced up and down on the couch, in spite of being accidently drugged a few hours ago.

“May I present to you… ribs!” Tony said in pretend french accent.

As the sound of meat being slapped on to the plate reached his ears, Harold’s face turned from a smile to a frown. What stood before him was an eldritch abomination. The skin wasn’t properly removed and he swore the hairs from the original pig were on it.

“So you going to try it?” Tony asked with a smile.

Harold shook his head back and forth, much to Tony’s disappointment.

“Tony… I’m going to be frank with you. If I was an average customer of the black market and saw this, I would laugh and probably have a hit on you.”

Tony face fell, “You don’t like it?”

“Well I mean look at it! It looks burnt and smells awful and er-” Harold flipped the rib after noticing some movement. What he saw made him throw up his breakfast that should have been fully digested long ago.

“Is that a pig heart… and is it still beating?” Harold inquisited.

“Yeah about that, er-” Tony shrugged.

“I may have tried cooking with magic and it seems when you use hellfire, it can turn parts of organisms back to life” Vincent explain.

“Do either of you know how to cook?” Harold asked.

“Well no, duh! We used to go to the burger joint for our meat,” Tony explained with Vincent nodding.

“Well until we learn how to cut and cook livestock, we won’t be getting anywhere in this racket,” Harold said bluntly.

The orange pony got out of his seat and walked to the “Big Mac Book Pro” in the hopes of some research. He typed up “How to skin a pig” only to end up with one site saying “Ew, what the buck man!”

“As I expected, the internet round here must be censored by the Empress,” Harold explained.

“Drats, they never seem to leave us humans alone, do they!” Tony said angrily.

“Well we only have one solution left… we go to the canterlot library!” Harold exclaimed!

--

It was the next day and Harold and Tony were on the train to Canterlot. The train was nothing like the trains in New York, if anything they were like the ones from Harry Potter, if he was a metro sexual. Just like a Potter film, Tony picked up some sweets from the snack trolley. They were soft and squishy, just like the candy he enjoyed in the states.

With a few hours to go, Harold needed to make conversation. He unsuspiciously looked at Tony’s flank and saw jail bars with wings.

“So Tony… how’d you get your… mark?” Harold said without sounding like he stared at his butt.

“Oh this bad boy? I dunno, I never went to jail before, but I think the wings mean I’m always free from jail no matter how hard I screw things over. However, most of my colleagues say it’s more like I’m an angel sent from up high to send them to jail by my failed ventures,” Tony said with no hint of ominousness whatsoever.

Tony looked down at Harold’s flank. He saw a strong arm, clenched like a hoof.

“I probably don’t need to ask what yours means though,” Tony joked around.

“True, but if you want clarity, it was for punching people back in highschool. The kids made fun of me cause was one of the initial convertees. My father never understood how strong I was and always insisted on my safety. When the proclamation first sounded, he took his whole family in one of those buildings, including me,” Harold explained.

“I can tell you one thing Harold, your father wasn’t smart to question your abilities. The way you beat that bat with a bat. Pow! Right in the kisser,” Tony complimented.

Vincent smiled and looked out the window. A thought then occurred to him.

“What on earth is Vincent’s mark?” he asked.

“Oh Vinnie… I have no idea. I glanced at it a few times, but the symbol was hard to make out.”

“Feel the same way about it too, pretty scary looking,” Harold added.

“Aye maybe it was just his butt tattoo while he was in the can!” Tony chuckled.

Harold burst out laughing.

--

The train ground to a screeching halt as it made its last stop. As the two crooks stood out of the train, they saw the castle. It was huge, it literally overshadowed the city. It was clear the masons of this grand city were quite talented. Nothing was too expensive or too fine for the ponies that walked these very roads. Harold was dumbstruck by the city. His eye glistened at the sight of the canterlot gym. Tony saw and had to snap his friend out of it.

“Not now beef cake, we got work to do,” Tony said as he pulled the dazzled pony away.

They walked a few blocks and found the library right before them. It was possibly the grandest building in all of Canterlot, only second to the castle itself. Harold spoke as he raised his head upwards, admiring how big it was.

“Holy cow, I read about this place before but it’s even bigger than I thought!”

“Yeah, don’t be surprised kid. Ever since that terrible vampire novel became an alicorn, she invested a large amount of the taxpayer’s money in the capital’s library,” Tony explained.

“You mean Twilight? Yeah, she has been known as a bookworm,” Harold justified tony’s explanation.

“Egghead more like, just be careful. This is the same mare who set up the guards at that bolder to begin with; there's no knowing what other obstacles she might make for us in the future.” Tony warned, walking in with his eyes shifting from left to right.

What he was able to see wasn’t threatening at all, the library was mostly vacant except for some bookworms and researchers. Upon closer inspection, there were about three floors of books and plenty of glass walls. It was like entering a new age church. Towards the centre of the room was the information desk with a handful of ponies working each side.

“Harold, I want you to find that book. I’ll stay here in case things get suspicious,” Tony told Harold as he kept his guard up.

Harold noded and walked to the desk. The mare behind the desk was too preoccupied with filing her hoofs to notice his existence. Harold rang the little bell. The chime alerted her, but only slightly. Her eyes traveled from her hoof to the orange pony in front of her.

“Can I help you?” she said in a washed up 40 year old voice.

“Err... Yes, I’m looking for a book,” Harold said.

“Well you came to the right place. There’s tons of books here; well done Einstein,” she insulted him.

“But I’m looking for a particular kind of book,” he said.

“Care to be more specific?” she asked, her patience running thin.

Harold began to sweat as he asked the taboo question, “Do you by chance have a… book about… meat?”

She stopped filing and froze. Harold gulped.

“You're a new foal, aren't you?” she asked with a slightly more serious tone.

“Err... yeah,” he said acting timid.

“There is one masters guide of butchery available in the forbidden section; but as the name implies, books in that section are forbidden. I can tell what you are going through, but I insist you turn back from this path now. I’ve seen so many young, clueless stallions get hurt from this quest, and it’s never is a pretty picture,” the woman lectured condescending towards Harold.

“But I... er-” before he said anything a purple mare showed up.

“What seems to be the problem?” the purple mare asked in a kind voice.

Harold squirmed in fear, it was Princess Twilight Sparkle, 3rd in line to the throne of Equestria. Though Harold hated her guts, she was a beautiful as the statues put her out to be.

“This stallion wanted to visit the forbidden section,” the librarian explained nervously.

“I er-” but once again Harold was interrupted.

“A like minded stallion want to learn something, and you would deny him that?”

“But my Princess, its called the forbidden section for a reason,” the librarian explained.

“Poppycock, he is welcome everywhere in this library… except maybe the little mare’s room. Come this way!” she kindly guided Harold with her wing.

Harold nervously followed her. As he walked past the librarian, he heard a whisper, “Good luck.”

--

The forbidden section was very empty. The only two ponies there were the crook and the Princess.

“So what’s your name?” Twilight asked.

“Er... Harold.” the rugged stallion said shyly.

“A human name? You must be a new foal,” Twilight said happily.

“Yeah, I wasn’t keen on those silly pony name,” Harold justified.

“We I guess they aren't for everypony. What brings you to our wonderful capital?” she asked.

“To get a book that is important to me..”

“Yea, go on?” she inquired.

Harold began to sweat. It was like buying a pack of condoms at a drugstore, only if the shop assistant disapproved he would lose his head. He tried to find a way to weasel out of it.

“Well I’m in to a kind of act that my family's religion does not approve, and I need a book to perfect it” Harold lied.

Twilight blushed. “Oh, I see. I tell you what, take this bag so you can slide the book in without me looking at it,” Twilight offered him.

“Thank you,” he said blushing to, as he grabbed the bag.

Harold trotted along to the “C” section of the forbidden section. Twilight blushed even harder as she guessed what the “C” might stand for. Harold found a book with blood stains on it called “Carving Meat for Bucked Up Dummies.” He slipped it into the bag and trotted back to Twilight.

“You found what you were looking for?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, please tell no pony about this,” he asked her.

“My royal lips are sealed,” she said as she smiled.

--

The two walked back to the front desk. Tony looked towards Harold. Harold gave a quick wink and smiled. Tony pumped his hoof in the air with joy. All of a sudden, only a few steps before making it to the desk, Harold tripped. The book slipped out of the bag mid fall for everypony to see. Tony kringed away. Everyone was staring at Harold and his book. Twilight lifted it with her magic and raised it in front of her.

She gasped, “New Foal hunger! You little flesh eating monster!”

“I can explain!” Harold tried to yell back.

“Enough! Seize him!” she shouted.

All of a sudden, every pony and guard ran at Harold after realising there was a meat eater among them. He pulled the book from Twilight’s magic and beat her round the head with it. All the ponies tried to grab the book off him. They were all clawing at him from every angle. Harold thought he was done for until the sound of snapping wood could be heard. Tony whacked the ponies from the direction of the exit. The first few whacks caused the chair to break. Tony then picked up the sharp pointy chair leg and began to shank his way through the guards.

“Harold!” he yelled reaching his hand through the chaos.

“We’re surrounded!” Harold replied back.

All of a sudden, a loud deafening noise could be heard on the intercom. All the ponies began to stop and cover their ears. The noise came from the librarian using the desk’s intercom. She cheered the two new foals on to make a run for it. The two nodded and ran. Twilight got back up and punched the librarian in the head. With a quick use of her magic she took control of the intercom.

“What are you waiting for? Get them!” she shouted.

The army of ponies rushed after them. They were only a few steps away from the exit when something strange happened. The book heated up in Harolds hoof and disappeared.

“Ow, what the buck happened?” Harold asked, blowing his burnt hoof.

“Must be a spell that stops ponies from shoplifting books. Regardless, we must get out of here!” Tony yelled as they began to run to the taxi.

They slipped in and shouted at the driver.

“Aye, cabby! Drive us anywhere away from this angry mob and I’ll make it worth your while!” Tony ordered.

The cabby nodded and drove, leaving a trail of angry ponies behind them. Twilight walked out of the library with a big bulging lump on her head. A guard ran up to her and saluted.

“Your majesty, should we pursue them any further?” he asked.

With a brief stare at the fleeing vehicle, she answered, “No, they are no longer a threat without their precious book,” she grinned evilly.

The guard saluted and went back to his post. Twilight picked up a note with her magic and began to write, “Dear Princess Celestia…”

--

The taxi was miles away from Canterlot and its many guards. It seems the incident caused such a stir. The two stallions in the back of the car were slouched over in defeat.

“It was right in my hands…” Harold said shaking his hooves as if he dropped something.

“Don’t remind me; the reason I’m not fully angry was we made it out in one piece,” Tony replied.

Tony’s glum face looked towards the bag. Inside was the candy from the train. He reached out, but to no avail.

“Aye Harold, pass the candy, will ya?” Tony asked.

Harold passed it over with his mouth. Tony picked it up slightly, displeased.

“Aye Harold, watch where ya put that mouth. I dunno where that's been,” Tony complained, opening his snack.

“What are those?” Harold asked raising an eyebrow.

“They’re ‘Gummy Alligators.’ What, want some?” Tony asked.

“They don’t happen to contain gelatin, do they?” Harold asked.

“Don’t be a pussy! Gelatin won’t put a dent to that figure of yo-” Tony’s candy was suddenly snatched off him.

“Aye!” he raised his voice.

“I’m sorry Tony, it won’t take but a second. I’m on to something,” Harold explained sniffing the candy.

Tony sighed and folded his hoofs. After close inspection he came to a stunning theory.

“What if this candy was made out of pigskin?” Harold plundered.

Tony instantly puked.

“What!” he exclaimed.

The taxi stopped, catching the attention of the mob ponies. The driver turned to the back seat with gummy chunks dripping from the back of his mane. He said nothing, but pointed a hoof to get out. Tony and Harold looked at each other, Tony giving a frown and Harold responding with an awkward grin.

--

Moments passed and the two earth ponies were on the road to Ponyville with nothing but the candy and the sun on their back.

“So let me get this straight. Sugar Cube Corner, or rather now Sugar Cube Industries, have become the worlds biggest candy proprietor in all of Equestria; and you think they're secretly using pig skin as an ingredient?” Tony asked.

“Yes, though the issue is it doesn’t say they use any animals in the making of their candy. But why then do they say they have gelatin?” Harold asked himself.

“Well maybe they found a substitute or some chemical stuff, you know?” Tony questioned.

“You would think so, but one taste of those candies and I know they’re the real deal.”

“If you knew it’s the real deal, why can’t anypony else tell?”

“Think about it! Ponies don’t eat meat, if they started tasting pig skin they would be none the wiser.”

“Great Scott! Then that means-”

“We have one last lead,” Harold pointed to Tony as he figured it out.

In the distance, the two saw a factory with the sugar cube corner logo on it. It dwarfed all of Ponyville, including the town hall. The windows glowed with kid friendly colors that contrasted the dull grey walls of the outside. The chimney ironically gave off no smoke, but streamers and confetti. The new foals couldn’t tell if they were going to enter a factory... Or a party.

Author's Note:

Special thanks to JeffCvt, for proofreading the chapter.

Comments

[val]

now I'm confused
gelatin has pigskins in it?!?!??!

[Secrios]

3873168 According to wikipedia, yes!

[val]

3873259 seriously?
THE FUCK
"and connective tissues of animals such as domesticated cattle, chicken, pigs, and fish"
so it has more then just pig
Well I hate jell-O or gelatin anyway tastes bad
you cant replace animal meat with anything
especially soy

[SummerCandyPegasus]

3873259 How else do you think it gets its jigglyness? Collagen, which is found in animal skins and bones!

[Weird Dragon]

When's the next chapter

[Blaze the draconic mage]

more pls this is cool

[verypeeved]

goddammit, even chatoyance liked this, and she's a cunt.