No Bacon
“In Equestria, there is only one rule; No meat! No chicken, no steak, no shrimp and especially… No Bacon! Well… I’m about to change all that.
The name’s Tony… Tony the Mob Pony, and don’t get any bright ideas, tough guy; if you haven't forgot, we’re all ponies. Why’s that, you ask? Cause Earth is gone! Bada-bing, bada-boom! It’s been taken by some broad Celestia and her screwball sister Luna. The reason why? The hell should I know! She wanted more room for her housing bubble; and Equestrian land ain’t cheap, you know.
So about that ominous meat related opening; that’s just an appetizer for the juicy info I’m about to lay on the kitchen table. The thing is, in Equestria, we are all horses, see? And as horses we are supposed to be herbivores. You heard right, we’re vegetarian! Not only that, what was once our food is now our neighbours. Cows, frogs and Scootaloo; you name it!
This must be a joke right? You can’t rob the children of Uncle Sam of their happy meals, right? I’m afraid this ain't no joke, kiddo! The moment your mouth touches another animal for any reason other than kissing (don’t ask), they throw you in the slammer ‘til you’re older than old Granny Smith (makes great apple cider, I heard; never touched the stuff).
Here’s the good news in all this, kiddo. I’m starting a new racket in Manehattan, and you’re invited. We’re gonna re-introduce a biological urge that has been with man for millennia… No, I am not talking about that prostitution racket; there was pony plot everywhere, I had to skip town. What I’m talking about is our unstoppable hunger of meat! We’re gonna bring it all back! Hot dogs, burgers, kentucky fried gopher, you name it! And we’re gonna stick it to that multi-hair dyed bitch and her butt servants, and they can’t do anything to stop us!
We’ll start small; a few animals go missing here and there and we make a quick buck. Then we score big with an underground factory, breeding the bloated swine like perverted rabbits. And by that time next year, we’ll have bacon!
So kiddo… whaddya say?”
Tony gave an intriguing, if not disturbing proposition to a would-be client who was originally trying to sign up for a telemarketing job at “The Morally Ambiguous Job Fair”. It never dawned on his client that it was actually full of criminals.
The client raised his orange hoof, and replied to the presenter, “Where do telephones fit into all this?”
The presenting mob pony dragged his hoof down his face in exasperation, pulling his features as if to wipe away his vexation. As he pulled, a stray lock of hair flopped down into his eyes; he huffed and ran a hoof over his messy, gelled-back mane to right the rebellious strands. From his gel's ever-worsening hold and his tired expression, it was clear he'd been having a long day.
“Look, Guss-”
“It’s Harold.”
“Yes, Harold. What I present to you is an offer you can’t refuse. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to dig into a suppressed market, wrongly denied to us ex-humans by Equestrian tyrants. You couldn’t deny me that, could ya?”
Harold sighed, deep in thought. Tony saw the muscles on the blond stallion and saw great potential; he couldn’t lose such an asset. Just to think how many “neigh” sayers could be blown away, in the name of his master plan.
“Help bring some earth-pony muscle in to this business and I will give you a third of all our meaty profits.”
“Are they bigger profits than a telemarketer?”
“For sure!”
“Deal!”
Harold gave the crook a hoof-bump. He was always a sucker for cold, hard cash.
“Thats the spirit! Meet me at the Oinkster family manor at midnight, and don’t forget a knife, capiche?”
--
In a brick house lived three little pigs. They were known as the Oinksters, and they forgot to pay Tony protection. In Manehattan no pony bucks with Tony, not even the pigs.
They were fast asleep under Luna’s full moon. Outside the house were two thuggish gangster ponies with butcher knives. Sly and shifty, they snuck through the front window.
They made sure to keep quiet as they popped the window out and climbed through the frame.
“So we going to cut them here or cut them at the crib?” asked Harold, as he traveled down the dusty halls.
“We only use these to keep them under control; we need to force them into a larger family first, before we chop them up for a Sunday Roast,” explained the mob boss.
Before the henchpony could do anything, he tripped on a wire attached to a bell. The clash of metal woke up the three pigs in a huff. They clip-clopped their hoofs to the door and bolted it shut. The two ponies rushed to bang on the door in a fit of panic.
The pigs were smarter than they look, but if only Tony listen to the vegetarians that told him that.
“Little pigs, little pigs, let us come in… or we’ll cut ya!” Tony called out as he pounded his hooves at the old door.
“Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!” the pigs responded.
“What the buck is this... Goldilocks? Pass me the crowbar!” he ordered his henchpony.
Harold pulled out the long metal stick, from lord knows where, and they started to pull. The pigs held the doors shut with all their might, but those skipped gym classes didn’t pay off. The two thugs broke through the door with relative ease.
The pigs were overwhelmed as they squealed and squarked in to their burlap sack. On the sack was written in fine black weave, “Totally not meat!” Picking up this sack was the real challenge of the whole night. The pigs refused to stop squirming and were giving the goons a tough heist.
“Ok, that’s it! I’ll turn them into a shish kebab long before I turn them into bacon!” Tony yelled as he got out his crowbar.
With a few whacks the pigs passed out, and it was back to business. A small trip down the road and they would be scot free! As the duo walked out the brick house, they were greeted by two royal guards with a stern look on their face.
“What you got there?” the helmetless one asked, his mane blowing in the moonlit night.
The two looked nervous and guilty. On their first day they might be sent to the slammer. Fortunately, Tony had a cunning idea.
“Oh this? That’s just…”
“Three pigs in a blanket!” Harold interrupted Tony with sheer stupidity.
The guards raised an eyebrow.
“What he meant to say was… my footballs” Tony elaborated.
“Ahhh so you're a pair of wannabe football players… ok, move along,” the guard assured them.
The two sighed and tip toed past them. Before they could make it five meters past the guard, he made a startling realisation.
“Ponies play hoofball!” he exclaimed to himself in fury.
“Cheese it!” Tony yelped.
The call and the sounds of fleeing hoofs alerted the guards.
“Stop right there, criminal scum!” the guard called out.
The chase was on! The sounds of metal hooves beating against the stone floor echoed through the night, rattling in the ears of the two would-be masterminds, heaving and hoeing with a sack of fresh meat for the slaughter.
The streets were dark and almost empty with no bystanders to interrupt their escape, but the guards were well trained and, given enough time, they were bound to catch up.
Tony and Harold took a sharp turn down an alley and hid round the side of a dumpster. The guards slowed down to search the area. The two waited for the right moment to take action. As the militaristic ponies passed the dumpster, it was time to strike.
Tony nodded at his orange friend, and he nodded back. Tony crept around the dumpster and tippy toed away. Just before he could make it back to the curb, he heard a big whack. He quickly turned round to see a shocking sight. The guards were knocked out by Harold with the sack.
“What the hell you do that for?”
“I thought we were going to bust their skulls in, like the mobs on tv?”
“You crazy? If they wake up they’ll charge us with more than kidnapping!”
Harold twiddled his hooves. “Boss… I always wondered what horse tastes like?”
Tony’s jaw dropped. “No! You idioto! You can’t eat your own species, no matter how good they might taste. Now for the sake of all that is holy, stop nibbling his ears!”
The hungry pony grew wide-eyed and let go of the white stallion’s ear. The two walked out the alley with the scraps of their victory.
--
The duo’s hideout was in a basement of one of the rundown vegetable shops. Three sets of piggy eyes opened in terror as they realized they had no idea where they were. The pigs began to squeal and squirm as they wiggled their hoofs, around what seemed to be bondage.
The pigs’ struggles were in vain as the mob pony was right in front of them, glaring at them with murderous intent. Thinking of all the ways he could slice and roast them, made him salivate. It had been five years since he last tasted dry-rubbed ribs. His imagination was put on hold as his friend interrupted him.
“Sir? We have a problem.”
“What’s the sitch, Harold?”
“They are all male, sir, they can’t reproduce by themselves.”
Tony’s smile dropped. With a fit of rage, he whacked one of the pigs swiftly round his bald noggin. The pig tipped over and wiggled his stubby legs in pain. Tony wiped some small blood droplets from his brow. The very smell reminded him of bacon; oh, how he longed for the return of Earth and all its… delicious creatures.
Tony turned back to see Harold typing on a laptop, with his hooves.
“Harold, we are not doing another kidnapping, this one nearly put us behind bars!”
“I know, that’s why I’m on to an alternative scheme to get more pigs.”
“Alternative scheme… How?”
“I once worked at a rock farm to pay the rent of my apartment and I nabbed one of the owners’ books, when they fired me for not saying grace. It claims, ‘Where the brambles are thickest, there you will find a pond beyond the most twisted of vines!’”
“What's so great about some kiddy pool?”
“This is no kiddy pool, boss… this is a pool to grant the user... doppelgangers!”
Thunder erupted, outside the thin walls of the building.
“A cloning pool, aye? Why ain’t anyone-”
Harold coughed twice to point out Tony’s error.
“Anypony on to this?”
“But that’s just it, though. I’ve been looking through recent news and it seems the area has been sealed off by order of Princess Twilight.”
“Drats! They bamboozled us before we ever started!”
“Well boss, you know… we could just get used to eating our veg-”
“No Harold! You just don’t get it… meat has been the staple of our history. Meat is our bread and butter, our peanut butter and jelly, our two peas in a pod! To give up on meat is to give up on who we are… were.”
Tony went glum. His mouth slowly formed a frown as a few small, horse-ish tears skied down his long face.
Harold tried to move his hoof towards Tony with compassion.
“Boss… I…”
“No need to say it. We are hasbeens… washed up shipwrecks of a dead culture.” Tony sat on the chair he was closest to, then continued, “They don’t care… they don’t freaking care. They came to us, only to have us lectured and killed. And for what? To live in harmony? Phooey! I miss Guns! I miss Explosions! I miss Drugs and Hookers! It was the American way of life! It was the human way of life… It was my way of life…”
“Well there is usually a short period between the guards’ shifts when they are not watching. If you really wanted to, we could… start a heist?”
As Harold slowly gave the good news, Tony’s face was lit up.
“Why didn’t you say so? I got an idea!”
--
Harold and Tony were upstairs with a map and a list of contacts. The table looked like the planning of a battlefield, in a general’s meeting room.
“So what’s the plan, Tony?”
“Glad you asked, kiddo. Between the day and night guards, we have one hour to raise and lower the stone without anyone seeing us.”
“What will we need?”
“A bucket for the water and a rope for the drop.”
“Wait, what about the rock?”
“What you mean, what about it?”
“I ain't lifting that!”
“Well if you're not, who will? You lazy slime ball.”
“What if we hire a unicorn?”
“A unicorn, you crazy? Trixie is expensive enough for me to use my ‘horn’ for her. What makes you think I can afford a talented unicorn to help us out in this jam?”
“It doesn’t have to be Trixie. Do you know any unicorns that owe you favours?”
“Favours? No one has owed me a favour in years. But I do have a buddy and we go way back.”
“Well great, whats the problem then?”
“Back in our human days, we kind of… went our separate ways.”
“Wait what?”
“In an old heist we did, I may have squealed him over to the cops when they caught me.”
“You… bastard…”
“I know it looks bad, but I’m telling ya… human jail was a million times worse than over here, if you can remember…”
“No one ever betrays a friendship… ever!”
“What am I supposed to do now, though? What's done is done.”
“Is he still in jail?”
“No, the bubble opened up his jail and turned him into a unicorn, so it wouldn’t crush him. Well at least that's what he tweeted, after getting out.”
“Well why don’t we find him and give him an apology?”
“There ain't no way he can forgive me.”
“We can always try?”
Tony pondered for a bit.
“We’ll have some talking to do, but beside that this might just work.”
--
Moments later, in the darkest hour of night, the two earth ponies stood in front of a bar. It glowed in neon light, with the name “The Taste of Magic!” with a unicorn’s horn as the exclamation mark.
“Is this the place?” asked Harold.
“Yep, the unimaginative title has his name all over it. Now do me a favour and let me do all the talking, capiche?” Tony warned.
Harold layed his hoof over his boss’s back, “I got your back, boss.”
They walked in the bar and saw it was nearly empty. Though it was hard to tell for how unlit it was. There was a bartender and a sleeping drunk. A drinking glass hung from the horn of the barman’s head. He had a melancholy expression on his thin-stashed snout.
“Aye, you got a drink for me and my pal here?” Tony asked as he pulled up a stall with his associate.
The unicorn stared at him with a stern look. It was no normal stare either; it was as if he had seen Vietnam.
“You…” he said coldly.
“Aye Vinnie it’s me Ton-” Before he could get a word in, he was hit by a pool cue.
Harold jumped, “Sweet Celestia! He’s out cold!” Harold exclaimed.
“And you’re next, unless you can convince me otherwise,” the white unicorn threatened, waving his long wooden pool stick.
“Shit, man! We didn't mean to upset you! We were having trouble with a rock and needed you for the job and-”
The unicorn lowered his weapon.
“A job?”
“Yeah, pay and everything!”
The unicorn dropped the cue and smiled.
“Why didn’t you say so! I hated this place anyway. Lead the way, total stranger I just met,” the unicorn snarked.
“Look, I’m his goon too. If he messes up again, I’ll be in the same mess as you,” Harold justified his proposal.
Vincent gave a sigh and nodded. The two trotted merrily out the door. The unicorn peeked his head back through the door.
“Tony, you asshole. You coming?”
He looked down to see an unconscious horse.
“Oh… right…”
--
In the dead of night, a lone van drove to the darkest corners of the Everfree forest. Inside were three familiar ponies, wearing stealth masks and horn-proof vests. They were on a mission to change the very life style of all equine kind… Forever!
“Are we there yet?” asked the orange one, revealed to be Harold.
“No!” said the cyan one, revealed to be Tony.
A few seconds passed.
“Are we there yet?” he said once again
“No!!!” Tony raised his voice again.
Once again, a few seconds passed.
“Are we there yet?”
“Yes!” lied the masked unicorn, revealed to be Vincent.
“Really?”
“No!” yelled the two aggravated ponies.
“You ask that bucking question one last time, and I’ll grind you up in to a spicy meatball!” threatened Tony.
“Ok…” the amateur henchpony replied timidly.
“You seem to have a hoof-full back here, why did we need him again?” Vincent asked.
“All rackets need a goon to enforce the boss’ orders. We can’t be having any wise guys threatening our operations.”
“And what makes you think you should be boss?”
“My idea, my business. If you have a problem with that, then meet the misses ‘Brenda’ and ‘Lucy!’” Tony threatened as he raised his hoofs off the wheel of the van.
“Whoa, hoofs on the-!” but before Vinie could say anything, the van crashed into a tree.
The crash left the van’s engine heavily damaged and completely unusable. Smoke rose from the front bonnet like an opium den as the paint peeled away. The three ponies were fortunately in one piece, with nothing more than bumps and bruises.
“Buck! Are you guys ok?” asked Harold.
“Yes, but this van’s another story,” complained the unicorn.
Vincent looked towards Tony with concern. He was unharmed but his vacant stare was a bad sign.
“My bucking van! Now how are we supposed to get back?” Tony yelled, hitting his hoofs on the dashboard.
“Tony look!” Harold said in an upbeat voice.
Tony was too preoccupied with his damaged ride. He had this van back when he was human, and even as a pony they went everywhere together. To see it gone made him shed a small tear of memories.
“Not now Harold, I’m having a moment!” Tony looked up to where Harold was pointing, and saw some guards leaving their post. “oh?” it seemed their post was a big rock.
“Bingo, we are just in time. Ok fellas, here’s the scoop. We go in, fill the bucket, then run; agreed?”
“Yeah, as long as you don’t squeal,” Vincent threatened.
“Of course I won’t!” Vincent placed the tip of his horn to Tony’s eye before he could finish.
“Have you heard of a Pinkie Pie Promise?” the unicorn asked with bloody vengeance in his eyes.
“... No?” Tony squeaked.
“Well, let’s just say if you are lying to me right now, you will get something placed into your eye… and it will not be a cupcake, mark my words.”
“Ok, I Pinkie Promise. Now please time is of the essence!”
The three hopped out the car and began to trot. In Harold’s mouth was a rope and in Tony’s was a bucket. Vincent’s horn lit up the dark, with a bright green glow. He never really explained what kind of magic he was trained in but Tony heard he was quite multi-talented; but eh, magic is magic, at least when it was this basic.
As they got to the rock, Harold hammered a nail into the ground and tied a knot around it. Vincent raised the rock with his telekinesis. He struggled at first, but soon he was able to get the hang of such a heavy object.
“Ok Tony, you have about two minutes before I am worn out. You better hurry before I collapse.”
“Sure thing, and thanks again,”
“Pfff, take your thanks and shove it. Feel lucky that even I can’t resist your racket money.”
With a salute the cyan mobster bungeed down the hole. As he neared the ground, he didn’t feel the bungee rope getting any tighter. Before he realised it, he had planted a pretty flower, which happened to be his face.
“Ah, Star Swirl’s beard!” Tony said with dirt in his mouth and ringing in his ears.
“You ok, Tony?” Harold asked.
Tony looked into the damp reflective cave wall and saw that his snout went sideways. He place both hooves on his face and bent it back together. He wrinkled his nose for a bit before he looked back up.
“Yes, nothing that old fashioned plastic surgery couldn’t fix,” Tony yelled upwards.
“Hurry up you’s two, I hear bat pony wings,” Vincent warned.
Tony searched around frantically and, as expected, it was the last place he looked. There in front of him was a pool of water that glistened in the moon light. Tony inspected the water closer. He saw his handsomely thug-like face.
“Well who is this handsome pony?” he asked his reflection jokingly.
“Well it’s me, of course!” the reflection replied.
Tony had a stroke of terror! He never seen a reflection act on its own before.
“Ah! Demon water!” Tony yelped, falling backwards.
The water’s reflection had magical properties, just as the legend told. Tony was still surprised however, because part of him thought getting the water to work might have been more complicated.
“30 seconds!” Vincent yelled.
Tony rushed a healthy dose of water into the bucket and locked the top lid shut. He tugged his rope two times and got hoisted up. Tony flew upwards to the top of the cavern like a cross-eyed pegasus, unevenly swaying from left to right. He bumped his head on the cave ceiling.
“Oi! Be careful; I could lose some brain cells if you keep that up,” Tony told Harold.
Harold gave one last tug. Tony stumbled to the top edge of the ground. Vincent lowered the rock and rushed towards the two.
“Guys we have company!” Vincent yelled as he galloped past them.
Tony and Harold looked up and saw a small squad of five bat ponies with lightning clouds. Tony ran, but Harold stood there with a confused look.
“They are a bit early, aren't they, Tony?” Harold turned and saw Tony was gone.
He looked back and saw a lightning bolt rush towards him. He leapt away from it and started running. The three caught up with each other and were heading down the main road into ponyville.
“What do we do now?” asked Harold
“We could try splitting up?” Tony offered.
“Why so you can get caught and squeal on us two? No way, we are going to rush into town and give them the slip.” Vincent ordered.
“Why won’t you just trust me?”
“Are you really asking that? Have you ever thought how many times I dropped the soap in there?”
“Look I’m sorry man, but it was a dog eat dog world back then.”
“And it isn’t now?” Vinnie pointed at the rabid bat ponies.
“Well now you put it that way… Cheese it!” Tony yelled as he ran a different direction.
Harold saw and went his own way as well. Vincent was pissed.
“I hate you guys,” Vincent sighed.
As the three split up, so did the bat ponies. The very chase woke the entire neighbourhood. Ponies of all shapes and sizes walked out of their homes, wondering what the hell was going on. This became a problem for Tony; if he didn’t keep up the pace, the bystanders might help out the guards. He slipped in an alley way and tried to stay in between the houses. With each slip and slide, he became more and more exhausted. Till he saw it!
“Bingo!”
There stood a ponyhole; and with the guards a few turns away, he had time to slip in. With a quick drop he found his hooves covered in pony droppings.
“Ah crap my hooves, I just polished those!”
He heard yelling from above. A few holes across from him was Vinnie, being tormented by bat ponies.
“Where’s the bucket?” one of them asked with a hiss.
“Bugger off, I know nothing!” the unicorn insisted.
“If you don’t talk, you're going to do jail time… hard jail time, ” the main bat pony pressed.
The unicorn started screaming, with a look of hysteria. The pain of past memories, flooded back to him. The very thought of returning to jail terrified him.
“Fine I’ll tell you everything, please don’t drop my soap!” he pleaded.
Tony was shocked as the tables were turned. His old friend was just as bad as he was, and he would still call him out on it anyway. “For shame,” he thought. Tony leapt out the ponyhole, pointing an accusatory hoof.
“Ah ha, I knew it!” he shouted.
Everyone in the block gasped. Tony walked towards his treacherous friend, as if he was the only one there.
“All this time, you made me feel guilty for squealing on you, when all along you have the same nerve in you as I have. Can I tell you something annoying Vinnie, something really funny? In the game of hypocrites, there is only one way to win the moral high ground… blame the other pony last. You have anything to say to me now… punk?” Tony lectured Vincent.
“I know I have a lot of explaining to do, but they kinda have you surrounded; just saying,” the unicorn told the earth pony frankly.
Tony widened his eyes and looked around. There stood a group of about six bat guards. He paused to ponder what the hell he was thinking.
“It was the unicorn’s idea! He held my family hostage!” he cried.
The unicorn rolled his eyes as the bat ponies rushed to detain Tony. All of a sudden, to all their surprise, one of the bats was hit with another kind of bat. It was Harold with his trusty slugger.
“Batter up!” he threatened.
The bat ponies growled and charged at him. Like a grown man vs. an army of toddlers, he beat the crap out of them with ease. However, they began to become even more threatening when they started to launch thunder bolts at him. Even the strongest creatures in all of Equestria can’t handle high voltage shocks for long.
“Shit, they’re killing him! What do we do?” Tony desperately asked Vinnie.
Vinnie looked at the bucket. He had a genius idea.
“Tony! Harold! When I say ‘Marco’ I want you to say ‘Polo’,” He raised his voice.
“What?” Tony questioned.
Before he could get an answer, the unicorn opened the enclosed bucket and tossed the magic water at them. As the water slowly touched them, the the pale unicorn chanted the incantation. Before his very eyes, what was once a brawl was now a war zone. Tony, Harold and the guards multiplied. Vincent needed to find his real associates in the heart of the chaos.
“Marco!” he shouted.
“Polo!” he heard in the distance.
Vincent slowly walked into the mists of the fist storm.
“Marco!” he called once again.
“Polo!” he heard louder.
The same went on for a few moments until he found them. The two real version of his friends were badly injured and covered in bruises. He wrapped his hooves around them and shone his horn. In the blink of an eye they were at least a mile away from the mayhem. The two injured earth ponies caught their breath. Tony looked from left to right.
“The bucket! Where’s the bucket?” he asked.
“I have it here. Fortunately we still have plenty left for it to work.”
“Wow, thanks. You’re a life saver, but why did you do it for us? I betrayed you like last time?”
“Well, with all honesty, I knew deep down we we’re just as crooked as each other.”
As a tear escaped Tony’s eye, he grabbed Vincent in a big hug, saying, “Come here you weasel!”
The unicorn smiled and hugged back. Harold snuck up and joined in.
“Harold, what the buck! You queer bastard, this is just between old buddies,” Tony scolded his second saviour.
Harold backed away and moped.