• Published 18th Mar 2012
  • 14,855 Views, 1,966 Comments

I Blame You - Whitestrake



The product of my friend and I having a Skype call that went to the subject of 'What if...'

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Are You Kidding Me?

A special shout-out to Sine Wave for helping make my comments section the funniest one on FiMFiction.
And an equally special shout-out to St.Patrick for being such a good sport.
MicroUltraMad, when you requested shipping, just what pairings did you have in mind?

By the way, I had to explain to Jay what 'shipping' means, so thanks for that.
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HOLY SHIT!

The exclamation made me jump, Orangey and Purple were still next to Jay, who had yelled. But why did he sound amazed? There can't be any possible reason to be happy about being tied up by farmers. Unless... unless his mind is making him think something wonderful is happening. Given Jay's low threshold for mental trauma, I suspected this was the case.

JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHR-” Jay's shout was cut off, they must have gagged him, I can't blame them for that. My friend, who was little more than a blurry, red dot at this distance, was still wiggling in the dirt, likely trying to speak through whatever it was had his mouth blocked with. I suppose it's odd that I'm thinking this, but doing nothing to help him. Was Jay starting to glow?

I rubbed my eyes to get dispel any trick they may have been playing. “Dammit,” I muttered. I'd only succeeded in making the blur worse. By the time I’d refocused, Jay, Orangey, and Purple were gone. Well, there goes any entertainment until nightfall, what am I going to do until then? Twiddle my thumbs?

Fuck that, I’m going to try to get my stuff from my truck.

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Jay couldn't believe what was happening. He also didn't know whether to thank Taylor, or try to kick his ass. After all, he was being carried by Twilight Sparkle, so either the FTL gun had torn the universe a new asshole, or he had been drugged. Both were equally likely possibilities when dealing with his friend, after all, that laptop he made tried to kill the flutist on more than one occasion.

“I've never seen anything quite like this before.” Twilight was switching her attention between the path she and Applejack were walking on, and her 'captive'. The Unicorn studied the teen with an odd intensity, the sort one would use when observing a strange insect.

“It sure don' look like no critter ah've ever seen before.” Applejack could hit pretty damn hard, that fact had kept the flutist from attempting escape. Not that Jay would want to, this was the dream of just about every brony. However, given the number of ways shit could go south, he was having conflicted feelings about this. Those feelings only worsened as they entered Ponyville proper.

The town's actual population was at least twice what the show hinted at, and they were going straight through a rather large crowd. The teen was amazed that the ponies didn't run, but then he remembered that he was tied up, and being levitated. The flutist wasn't in a position to appear threatening, not by a long shot. In any case, the residents' lack of fear made the trip much more interesting.

He met the gaze of onlookers with his own stare. There were looks of intrigue, confusion, even one or two of disgust. All of those however, paled in comparison to the wide-eyed, fanatical look of a seafoam green Unicorn in the back.

Jay recalled her name being Lyra Heartstrings, one of Taylor’s personal favorites, too. Maybe that meme of her knowing about humans was true, if that was the case, the flutist knew his friend would shit a brick. That fact made him laugh into the rope that kept him from speaking.

“It's barkin' at somethin'.” Applejack didn't know what to think about the strange creature. It had used words, it might be able to understand them, but then again, Cousin Fritter had a parrot that could cuss like a sailor, didn't mean it was smart. The weird animal's barking tapered off and quickly stopped.

“I think it was... laughing.” Twilight looked at Jay, her head was tilted to the side, one of her lower eyelids was slightly raised. The flutist had seen a similar look on his friend's face numerous times, and had developed an instinctive fear of it. The teen attempted to back away from the mare, only to be stopped by the fact that he wasn't touching the ground.

Jay averted his eyes, and focused on finding something interesting in the crowd. Unfortunately, Lyra was gone, and the teen didn't recognize any other background ponies. Oh, wait, that was Doctor Whooves talking to Carrot Top and Roseluck. Whooves even returned Jay's gaze, almost like he recognized something about the flute player, and there was another possibly true meme.

“You're a lot smarter than we're giving you credit for, aren't you?” Twilight was still looking at him. That was probably the only reason Jay had even heard her say anything, she was just talking to herself. The flutist didn't try to answer in any way, he figured the dumb/weird animal approach would be best for now.

He only hoped Twilight didn't plan on performing a vivisection.

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Okay, how the hell am I going to do this? My truck was on the up part of the bobbing cycle, most of the cab was visible. Thank you, buoyancy, you've saved my ass yet again. Unfortunately, there was still the matter of getting to the thing, and opening the door without making more muck rush inside. I took a running start, and jumped onto the bed. A few quick maneuvers and I was ready to pull the handle.

The quicksand, which I guess is much more like mud than actual quicksand, offered enough resistance to strain my muscles, which, needless to say, sucked. The inertia sent me tumbling into the muck, and, like a complete moron, I started struggling. After about five minutes, I stopped, amazed. My feet were touching the bottom, the mud was only about three feet deep.

I shut the driver's door and waded over to the passenger’s side. I may have been covered in putrid gunk from the middle of my stomach to my feet, but I’d be damned if I’d get my truck's cab dirty. Besides, the glove compartment had most of what I was looking for. Inside the storage box, I found an odd combination of items: a plastic ruler, my grandma's .38 Special with all chambers loaded, and my Fancy Driving Gloves of Awesomeness. Wait, why did I have a ruler in my truck? Never mind my grandma's revolver, that was normal, but seriously, a ruler?

I tucked the peacemaker into the back of my pants. I know most people put them in the front, but I’m not getting my dick blown off by a misfire. I could explain just about any sort of injury to my family, but that's pushing it. I'm a firm believer in practicality, if I lost my ability to reproduce, I don't know what I’d do, but it would probably involve this gun, my skull, and a bank robbery.

I shut the door and started to wade to the edge. This wasn't a bad haul, all things considered, and I could always find a tow-truck in that town I saw in the distance. It'd be a simple matter of getting my Chevy repaired, retrieving Jay from his blob kidnappers, and finding the laptop and FTL gun, but not necessarily in that order. The sound of a branch snapping brought me out of my thoughts. The goddamned manticore was back, just my luck, the mutant lion wanted to finish the job.

I shook my head, and pulled out the revolver.

“Sorry, you lion fuckwit, but the rape train ain't got no brakes.”

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