Any Other Business?
"So... um... today's agenda is a little, ah. Sparse. Yes. Sparse. One item. Tch. Hardly worth meeting about, really. In fact I might suggest a motion of early adjour—"
The words died on his lips under a wave of hostility from the massed nobles.
"—or not. Or not. No time like the present, eh, my lords and, uh, ladies...?"
More hostility. If looks could kill Dotted would already be dead, transported back to Northisle, buried, mourned, commemorated, forgotten, rediscovered by a future historian, and featured in an article in the local Sunday newspaper which Mrs. Sugar Loaf would leave off reading halfway because of a phone call from a double-glazing salesmare, never learning she was actually faintly related to this Line fellow. This course of affairs, through the miracle of cause and effect, would delay the commercialization of fusion technology by the Equestrian people by 117 years.
Luckily for Mrs. Loaf, the Equestrian people, and bulk manufactures of lithium hydride, looks can't kill. It looked like the future dodged a bullet there and Dotted wondered if he'd be so lucky. He began to scan the nobility for crossbows, blades, or surreptitious blow-pipes. Nothing. Damn. So much for the easy way out.
"Any, uh, business we need to take care of before we get, ah, cracking on the agenda? Any... um... motions? Suggestions? Requests?"
The atmosphere, already frosty, dropped by a few dozen degrees. It was time to deal with the elephant in the room.
"So, uh, the first and indeed only item on the agenda—should really be 'agendum' really—is, ah," Dotted adjusted his spectacles theatrically, "let's see, 'Princess Twilight Sparkle?!??!??!?' I say. That's quite a lot of punctuation. I daren't imagine how that might actually sound..., hah, well—"
"PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE?!??!??!?," Lord Trottingham helpfully demonstrated.
Dotted wiped the spittle from his spectacles.
"Yes. Indeed. Isn't that lovely? Nice to see a young mare make her way in the worl—"
"THIS BREAKS THE FIRST COVENANT!"
"Only if princess Celestia makes someone an alicorn, I think you'll find. The Lady Sparkle, I understand, went through the process on her own with the princess only helping her do so safely which she's obligated to do under the Public Safety & Depraved Indifference Act of 887 which in paragr—"
"She's to ASCEND OVER US, IS SHE? A COMMONER!?," wailed Lady Cloudsdale.
"Royal, I think you'll find. Armigers, Nobility, & Royalty Act of 173, amended 284, 566, 837, and 909, clearly states in paragraph 35b that—"
"This is TYRANNY!"
"Her Highness Sparkle does not actually have any governmental authority as the Articles of Union state as a part of scroll XVI, right under the coffee sta—"
"This is a plot! A plot to legitimize their dalliance."
"Were such a dalliance to exist it would have been entirely legitimate from the point Her Highness was eighteen. Elevation to royalty would not be necessary. The question, however, is moot because I understand that there is no such dal—"
"You had this planned, you northern bastard!"
And with this the floodgates broke open. Dotted sat, calmly, weathering the abuse, the threats, the insinuations, accusations, slander, more threats, three separate challenges to a duel, and the thrown ink bottle stoically. At length he glanced at his pocket-watch. It read a quarter past tea[1].
"Right," he said, tone businesslike, "You, there. Lord Trottingham. Listen carefully: Cypress Hall. Second-and-a-half[2] Canterlot Mercantile Bank. Six hundred thousand bits."
Lord Trottingham shut up.
"Lady Cloudsdale? Does the name Peppermint Humbug mean anything to you? Mmm? August the fourth? Los Pegasus?"
Lady Cloudsdale joined him.
"Right. Who else? Who else? Ah! My Lady Baltimare! Listen to this. 83 right, 44 left, 15 right, 12 left. Behind a reproduction of Vermare's Filly with a Pearl Earring."
Lady Baltimare covered her face with a folder.
"Right," said Dotted sweetly, "anypony else want to play? No? Are you sure?"
There was dead silence. The elephant in the room hung from the rafters, swaying gently.
"Hail Princess Twilight Sparkle?"
"Hail Princess Twilight Sparkle," the nobles chorused, glumly.
[1] A Hearthswarming present from Leafy Salad. He went to a lot of trouble and hired a watchmaker to specifically craft an additional inner dial which was marked not in hours but in customary teatimes.
[2] The result of the merger of the Second Canterlot Mercantile Bank and the Third Canterlot Mercantile bank whose owners, it so transpired, were of a mathematical turn of mind.
Wow, that's a real talent he's got there.
Nice to see that Dotted knows where all the bodies are buried, figuratively and possibly literally.
I always imagined she was minor nobility. I can't tell what the "dalliance" is alluding to.
6398658
Presumably, they're speculating that Celestia hooked her girltoy up with some wings so that their ah, mutual involvement would be legitimized.
6398676
Well, the register of that sentence went places.
The poor, poor deluded nobles. I think they'll find she "ascended over them" when the Elements of Harmony elected to put a stonking great crown on her head (commoner my palid British arse) It may well have happened years before that in truth. In any case excellent chapter/minific. Shame we can't upvote these individually.
This question came immediately to mind on listening to the excellent radio-play adaptation just recently, and glad to see it get the full on-page treatment. You did not disappoint!
*chuckles* Like Pratchett at his best... and perhaps with a dash of Douglas Adams?
Channeling good old Vetinari there are you, Dotted?
Oh Dotted, prevaricating like that!
Gladly!
Ah, I see the thaumic field has regained its property of spontaneously materializing figures of speech and metaphors. I'd wager it might possibly have to do with-
Um. Yeah.
Well, what am I talking about. The poor animal obviously escaped from some circus or zoo and ended up there in a freak accident involving a bucket of soap, grape soda and a roll of duct tape. Obviously. This has nothing to do with any possible alliances the Equestrian Crown has recently made with any kind of monstrously reality-altering, eon-old beings.
Not that such alliances exist, mind you.
Because they really don't exist.
6398732 Not until you said it, I believe.
You really ought to be more careful with all that narrativium laying around.
So..the way to get you to write is ask question incessantly? Hmm....
All hail Princess Twilight Sparkle!
So he actually said "Princess Twilight Sparkle, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, question mark, exclamation point, question mark, question mark, exclamation point, question mark"? Because that makes it even funnier.
In any case, a wonderful follow-up to, wonder of wonders and horror of horrors, Lord Trottingham actually being kind of right.
6398645
Especially if that Peppermint Humbug fellow is who I think he is.
And now I am sure a lot of us are going to be wanting to know how the nobles would act to Twilight getting a castle all of her own... .
I'm sorry GhostOfHeraclitus, but you just can't win. For every question you answer there will always be another to ask. And people will always ask, for they enjoy getting the answers.
Well, some just enjoy being annoying,
I try to be in the former category but probably wind up in the later.
I really do love Dotted and the rest of the gang in the Equestrian Civil Service. I only ask of you that we get more of them.
Incidentally, I am disappointed you didn't sneak in a mention of Twilight ruling over them with an iron hoof.
I keep seeing it from another point of view...
"You think Princess Celestia did what,'" the latest Alicorn on the metaphorical block not quite asked. Metaphorical because she didn't live on the same block as Celestia, but rather in a tree in a small town near the bottom of a certain magical mountain, where Celestia herself resided in a palace some two-thirds of the way up.
"Well... that's what the nobles in Canterlot were saying. At least until yesterday. They kind of stopped, but I was wondering... heh?" It was obvious to the reporter that Princess Twilight Sparkle was not exactly amused. It was also-- slowly admittedly, but speeding up-- occurring to him that unlike Celestia, who tended to take a fairly hooves-off approach to matters, Twilight Sparkle was considered somewhat pro-active. And apparently, according to one of the ponies on the Magical Affairs Desk, had a remarkable talent for turning living creatures into citrus fruits.
"Grnnnnrrrrrgh." That was the patented Twilght Growl, a sort of half snarl, half sigh (1) that indicated that the purple Princess was feeling somewhat out of sorts with the present situation. "Look, I've talked to at least seventeen ponies today already about this. Most were from the government. A few from other papers. And one idiot who wanted a royal grant to put up aluminum siding onto the Royal Castle. Which I don't have the authority to do. I haven't even been crowned yet-- that's not until next week!"
"Well, if not her, then who--"
"The will of Harmony. As in, the actual will of the actual principle. I had to temporarily cease existing as a physical being to do it too. Something about a tree-- I'm still uncertain about that part. It was all very out-of-body experiencey, which made sense because for a moment I didn't have a body-- while, I guess, Harmony was busy making me a new one."
"Bwah."
"I think I was also a star for a little while. That's what my friends say, anyhow."
"BWAH."
"I know. I should just print a pamphlet about it. Spike, don't we have a book somewhere on pamphlet writing..."
(1) With a definite undertone of groan (2), if one listened carefully. Few did, because, well, the Twilight Growl was not reassuring.
(2) Related to the Twilight Groan, which meant no longer out of sorts, and was rather an expression of near total exasperation with how bucking stupid the latest situation was. Considering the Princess's tendency to attract, well, not very smart ponies at times, this was more common.
Yes. I'm a sick sick man.
Edit: Maybe not so sick... people seem to like this.
The nobility, once again storming the northern shores against the tyranny of repressed entitlement, are defeated by the mines they themselves had buried beneath the sand. Their dying screams of "It's not fair!" echoed across the land and into the very parlor of Celestia, herself.
"More tea, Mr. Secretary?" Princess Celestia asked as she held the teapot aloft in her golden aura. The faintest of smiles lit her eyes and turned up the corner of her mouth while she poured.
"Thank you, yes. Your Highness is most gracious," Dotted replied. "More tea is by far the best kind."
6398645
Civil Service fact: There are no secrets, only things that don't interest Dotted Line.
6398693
Well, one big thing the nobility has against Twilight Sparkle (in my Equestria, obviously) is that she was always prominent (if only due to her closeness to Celestia, at first) without being from a suitable family. Incidentally, that's one of the things they have against Dotted Line[1] which is one of the reasons he's so much on Twilight's side, even if she generates more paperwork than even Blueblood.
[1] Who won't even accept his ex officio lordship.
6398705
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
6398720
Gosh. Quite high praise. Thank you.
And Dotted has a bit of Vetinari about him, no doubt. I'm sure a meeting of the two would be full of... interest.
6398729
"I protest, sir! I said that's what I've understood. Clearly, it is possible that I may have misunderstood. Likely, even. I misunderstand things all the time, in fact. Constantly. it's a curse."
6398731
6398732
The Equestrian Civil Service can neither confirm nor deny the existence or non-existence of any treaty, alliance, or common cause with any and all trans-dimensional reality-warping entities.
6398806
The Equestrian Civil Service would like to remind everyone of the importance of safely handling narrativium which, as we never tire of repeating does not exist.
Remember, only YOU can prevent wild narrative.
6398823
Actually I accidentally this story. I didn't have time for it but I still wrote it. Sort of. I'm terrible at scheduling.
6398952
All hail!
Long may she rule o'er us and—
IRON HOOF!
—shut up, Trottnigham.
6398958
Yes!
In fact I nearly wrote it out like that.
6398983
Honestly, I think by then they became jaded.
6399027
Hah! Before I even saw this comment, I added a reference in my response to you. I not only aim to please, I do so cross-temporally.
6399034
Have you let the Will of Harmony into your life? Praise be. Praise be.
6399088
Best kind indeed.
6399094
Hey! No upstaging the commenter with the funny!
…as the TWICON 0 signs continued to flash ominously in the background. At least somepony had shut off the strangling cat of an alarm in the council chamber by giving it a saucer of cream. Dotted hadn't the faintest idea how his predecessor had conditioned it to react like it had. Really, who trains a cat—an activity that already strains credulity—to start caterwauling when a lavender[1] (former) unicorn suddenly descends from an explosion in the twilight sky that's shaped like a certain cutie mark[2], sporting wings?
[1] Lavender, mind you, not indigo, mauve, chartreuse, marshmallow, ocher, crimson, ebony, or any of the variegated plaids.
[2] Research and subsequent extensive, informal testing by Dotted Line proved that the cat did not react to other explosions in the sky[3], only ones at a specific time of day and in a pattern specific to Her Highness' cutie mark[4].
[3] Nightmare Moon, Discord, anti-changeling love bombs, royal altercations with ballistic comestibles, etc.
[4] But for that one, small addition that nopony could explain.
Yup, Dotted is officially at full capacity, and it's time to get serious. It's actually somewhat interesting how quickly he went to this. I get the feeling he is a bit offended at the collective gall shown here, to oppose the ascendancy of, to use the phrase, a "Royal Who Actually Does Something" when they all are too busy stuffing their personal closets with as many skeletons as possible.
And hey, at least some of Twilight's paperwork is the result of her and her friends saving the world. Blueblood's only seems to result from blunders and/or casual idiocy.
"...enjoy?"
Oh very much yes. :D
This covers alicorn ascensions? Oh, I'd love to hear about the situation that caused that to get written up. Did Celestia have to stand by and watch another alicorn ascend, only to watch it explode or something? Or maybe how you get out of alicorn youtube limbo is a song and that alicorn hasn't figured it out yet and Celestia couldn't intervene.
Also, Princess Twilight Sparkle generates a lot of paperwork, but she always fills out all the proper forms and files them in the right places so there isn't actually a whole lot of extra work because of it.
Wait, just had another thought. If we go with Princess Celestia having been around a long, long time. If we also go with people (ponies in this case) don't really change...
What did the noble-analogue of the ancient past use to declare the new alicorn would rule over them with an iron hoof before they had iron?
"Do you intend to have your sister to ascend and rule over this herd with a STONE HOOF?" - Far distant ascension of Lord Trottnigham.
Having enjoyed this fun little bit (and resolved to look it up in the other story), I have one little question...
What sort of working relationship is likely to develop between the Youngest Princess and the Cabinet Secretary? I somehow doubt he will revere young Twilight like he does Celestia, but I suspect her OCD (if not OCPD) tendencies would either mesh well with his own sense of propriety, or else drive him absolutely insane in short order.
6399617 Id wager the law is similar to the "good samaritan" laws. Basically, if you see someone in danger, and you can help, without endangering yourself, you must. Usually, said law also protects the would-be helper from accusations of malpractice (Like breaking someones ribs while performing CPR, or destroying someone's shirt to use it as a tourniquet) .
As always, nice little tidbit of insight into the workings of Equestria.
"Her Highness Sparkle does not actually have any governmental authority as the Articles of Union state as a part of scroll XVI, right under the coffee sta—"
Whether or not Twilight has formal governmental authority is kind of moot. Ponies turn to alicorns for leadership in a crisis as demonstrated in the season 4 opener. "There's Princess Twilight she'll know what to do."
It doesn't matter what the Equestrian Constitution says. If something happens to Celestia or Luna Twilight will de facto be in charge. Simply because the average pony on the street will listen to her in a way they won't the Prime Minister or whoever.
6400016
Then again, this isn't always the case.
Twilight couldn't get a cab in Manehattan, after all. So much for being a world-saving alicorn heroine!
6400086
Two things: first, Twilight grew up in Canterlot. I suspect most ponies there are at least passingly familiar with the story of a dragon erupting through the roof of Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, and the nobles there certainly know of her—just ask Lord Trottingham!
"WITH AN IRON HO—"
See? But moving right along… Second, it's Manehatten; I suspect it would take even Princess Celestia a few tries to wave down a cab, to say nothing of Princess Luna. But Cadance, with that Fleur-de-Lis figure of hers… woof!
The solution here was simple. All Dotted had to do to defuse them was to explain that Twilight already was a noble, because her formerly commoner brother was made Regent of the Crystal Empire after marrying another alicorn who ascended out of nowhere and was subsequently (and semi-arbitrarily) given an entire nation of her own to rule. The nobles obviously wouldn't have had a problem once that was pointed out.
6399034
I'm going to have to prod you about getting this in Never The Final Word.
6399094
"Continuing with our tour of Their Majesties' Statue Garden, to your left you will see the newest addition, 'Spirits of Indignation.' Though the provenance of this fascinating piece of the jade artisan's art is a mystery, their majesties assure us that it perfectly captures the—
"Sir, would you please have your filly kindly refrain from sticking her chewing gum to the underside of the statue's table? Thank you."
6400160 I can try to expand on this, if you like?
It was overwhelming, the urge to read this immediately, and indulge myself like a large man at a larger buffet, but I resisted.
I read this on the train, as intended.
There's something about this writing style, yours and Pratchett's as notables, that is amplified by trains. Is it being in a vehicle that is a wondrous feat of engineering unto itself, rendered mundane by its ubiquity? The gentle rock and sway on the tracks that lulls you like a cradle?
I think it's the way it absorbs time. It's entirely pleasant, certainly, but because of just how unchanging it is there isn't really anything for your mind to grip on to. Far too easy to wander without something firm to anchor to, a vessel aimlessly cresting indefinite waves. That meandering monotony dulls all your senses, a very mild form of hypnotism, that just allows you to take as much meaningless time as you're willing with the curious visuals and metaphors and imagery you present, without distraction.
There isn't anything or anyone I'd rather dedicate the sensation to.
Basically, Dotted was nice enough to let them let off a little steam but, after a decent pause, he tactfully reminded them that, in a pissing contest, none of them are anywhere near his league. Let's face it, it was always slightly silly to suggest that Celestia (who actually wrote most of Equestria's modern laws) would do something that wasn't entirely in line with the letter of the law.
In about four months time, whilst Dotted is steering an improved security bill for Tartarus through Congress, the nobles will be thankful that this 'commoner' ascended over them and was there to protect them from Tirek.
Oh, Twilight Sparkle, the pony who causes Civil Service headaches simply by existing and being her lavender
(ali-/uni-)corn self.
I forget -- have you ever had her and Dotted interact in your stories?
Also, that's one thoughtful and useful gift from Leafy.
6399617
Knowing Celestia and her penchant for long-term planning, she probably inserted that bit into the Equestrian legal code nice and early, when nopony cared, for possible future use.
Breif and glorious, sort of like the explosion of Twilight's Ascention itself.
It is always a pleasure to see Dotted in action! Would that it would be more often...?
6400498
In the epilogue of "Whom the Princesses Would Destroy..." Twilight meets and tries to cheer up Dotted line. It goes... poorly.
6399094 I dunno I'm buying that...:P You just have to stop being so fascinating yourself so I stop talking to you about yourself and focus on harrassing you for ponies:P
6398958 I think Spinning Top would be mostly upset about the excellent, yet wasted, opportunity to use an interrobang.
6400332 I wouldn't bet on it. Knowing the nobles the way we do, they're like-as-not to start crowing about how the incident to which you refer was part of Twilight's plan to lure them into a false sense of security so she can-
"IRON HOOF!!!"
Yes, thank you Lord Trottingham. I rest my case.
6400221
If you have a burning desire to add more words or clear it up, feel free — although the idea of NTFW is to provide a permanent residence for cool microfics that otherwise would languish in comment sections. If by "expand" you mean "bump up to FIMFiction's minimum length," go wild with it, but then I suspect you're better served publishing it than contributing it.
Otherwise, would love to lay claim to this and give it a little wider audience!
6403564
Well, I've taken that about as far as it can go reasonably, feel free to add it to you ficlet thingy. Assuming Ghost is okay with it.
Call it whatever.. a Different point of view seems right.
It went better than I would have expected. Because Nobles are such a silly lot.
I reviewed Any Other Business? from this collection.
My review can be found here.
I'm not sure what I love more, the deadliness of the looks Dotted receives at the beginning the chapter, or his efficient reminder of the possibility of blackmail without needing to spell it out.
6399094 That's something I've never understood. Twilight was babysat by one of two alicorn princesses in Equestria before she even got her cutie mark. Her brother's meteoric rise in the ranks of the Royal Guard was surely deserved by his talent, but he also had some uncle who was highly ranked enough to earn himself a fancy sash. Most writers assume Canterlot is, impossibly enough, 80% unicorn nobility, and yet everyone assumes Twilight must have been born a commoner, when that seems to me to be less than the most likely of possibilities.
6399034 Oh come on, if ascending to alicornhood were a crime, Celestia would certainly be guilty of entrapment. "Oh Twilight, here's the last unfinished spell of Starswirl the Bearded, his greatest spell of the greatest wizard who ever lived, I need you to finish it." "Twilight, you've ascended because you've created new magic! .....You know, like I told you to when I gave you the assignment."
Well this was a wonderful gift to get to read, been wondering about that particular meeting ever since the purple one ascended. I have but two regrets, one that I already read it, and the other, as always, that I can't favorite or upvote the individual chapter.
6406427 Yeah, I always assumed her parents were, at the very least, minor nobility. She was tested for admittance to Celestia's school for magic BEFORE she displayed any particularly amazing talents, which tends to imply some connections on the part of her parents.
And then, yes, there is the fact that her brother was accepted into the Guard and she was babysat by an alicorn princess...
She was chomping on a silver bit from birth, from all appearances!
Now, if some Earth pony hick from Ponyville were to become an alicorn Princess, I suspect the nobility would be fit to be tied... like Princess Big Mac! Yes, the nobility would be quite upset.
6407890 Hey, a stallion can dream!
But seriously, you have a good point. Heck, how many of those nobles remember a twelve year old Twilight sitting next to the throne, reading a book bigger than her while those lords and ladies give their petitions? Even the snobbiest of hearts aren't made of stone. I don't know if they'd care as much about any candidate being an earth pony as they would class and breeding, I could see them being a lot more welcoming to a candidate from the wealthy Orange family of Manehatten than some farm unicorn raised in Ponyville or the Hayseed Swamps.
"He knows where all the skeletons are buried--right back to the ones that have fossilized."
Delightful, as always--thank you!
Wait why is dotted so scared?
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE DOTTED! AND IF NOT FOR YOUR LIFE THEN FOR YOUR EARDR-
IRON HOOF!!
YOU ARE WORST PONY TROTTINGHAM!
Always cheers me up to see an update from you ghost.