So what would happen? Would the mane 5 really be Sunset's friend? And if Twilight is added to the mix? Would the magic of friendship really make a difference? Read like a detective and surprise yourself. Moo ha ha.
Chapters (12)
- Member Since 10th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 24th, 2017
Uncle Knot
I write my stories on my ten minute breaks at work, read them like a detective
Uncle Knot
Joined 10th Mar, 2013 ·
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Don't be discouraged by the dis-likes!
You have a really good premise here, you just need to work on your execution as well as some general misspelling and syntax/grammar oddities that could use a little ironing out.
My advice; at all times have your readers aware of at least two senses at any one time for the duration of your passage, proof-read your work and imagine the voice of each character actually speaking out your dialogue sentences, you might want to re-adjust them if/when they seem off or out of character as well as check your paragraphs/word choices for variety and vividness.
Also, don't expect to catch every little error or snag in your story but do commit yourself to correcting every single one that you locate. If you are having trouble doing this ( and even if you aren't, yet still want that final crisp, new-book-smell to emanate from your fic), get yourself an editor or co-writer or both, good one(s) mind you. If he/she/it/they work with you and your fic is still considered sub-standard by the masses, either get them to pull their weight, fix whatever problem you have, or fire em until you can find a team that truly allows your inner writer to shine upon the unprepared world so that they will have no option but to kneel in acknowledgement of your glory.
Above all else, keep trucking and never stop trying. You will improve with practice and willpower. Readers and even commentators are somewhat replaceable, authors who each have their own individual style, thoughts, and voice are indispensable.
I find reformed!Sunset vaguely creepy. Of course, she might be deliberately doing it to be creepy. She might be on probation and is being forced to be nice but that doesn't mean that her essentially contrary nature won't peek through the gaps in the shutters occasionally.
Interesting back story to EqG!Twilight, by the way.
Yeah, sounds like this Twilight is a lot like the Twilight who first came to Ponyville - a bit of a snob, really.
Oddly enough, out of everyone at Canterlot High, I think Trixie needs Twilight the most.
In many ways, I feel sorry for Twilight. She's been dropped unknowingly into someone else's life (or should I say somepony else's life) and social position. She's being expected to be a certain person based on the kids' experience of a very different young woman.
It makes sense that Pinkie would be the first to break. She's the most sensitive to social currents and is the most... needy, really... for her friendships once established.
It also makes sense that Rainbow "I don't do subtlety" Dash wouldn't realise that this is a totally different Twilight Sparkle. 
I can't wait to see Trixie's reaction to this! On the other hand, she's an impartial witness to the events of Sunset Shimmer's... er... 'episode'.
Interesting... Missing or possibly dead. A Sunset Shimmer who was apparently suffering from amnesia would have been picked up and brought to Celestia's attention almost immediately so, either she's been hidden away in Canterlot Castle (if so, why didn't Celestia send her home when the portal opened in EqG?) or she never went through the portal. Instead she...
I don't want to think too much about that.
Mate, slow the heck down. You're blitzing out chapters shorter than the average length scene in the fic I'm currently working on and it's not helping you when there are a considerable number of grammar mistakes and a number of spelling errors.
Two I can think of off the top of my head. Epiphany and clique, both in chapter 4's first paragraph.
Also, this reads a lot closer to a script than a story, you're not limited to a set number of words in a chapter, heck my tendency is to aim for 5-10 thousand, which depending on how big scenes get could be 1-20 scenes on average. That gives me time to actually not only write what people are saying, but also who is saying it and give hints on what they're doing, what's going on around them and what people look like. Don't info-dump on a character, but always presume that the reader won't necessarily know who the characters are off the top of their heads, particularly if your version is different to the canon version, meaning you really ought to think about what the reader might want to know and how the story flows as you write it.
Uh oh. Nothing good can come of the fact that The Power That Be are read into this particular secret.
But what about proper punctuation...?