The_Solar_Charger
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Hmm....where to start... Hmm...
Ok I am theone2three with some conservative criticism and before I start.... I am not here to hurt any feelings at all I am here to help... and if take some of these suggestions then great... If you don't want to...then that's ok too... All I'm here for is to give a small review of what I saw...
Let's begin...
I want to start with the pacing of your story...
Even with 4000 words I feel like some parts were rushed... Like the beginning... And this entire day your oc had.
Having a good pace can be hard sometimes because describing more than characters like surroundings and thoughts requires more thought ... Simple as that..
Things like grammar and spacing your text is done well and honestly requires no review..
Next on the list is the how you set this up.. Your plot and character development.
Some of the mane 6 were a bit OOC or out of character... Mostly because they kinda went how the OC or you the writer wanted not how they would react... Naturally... Even though that's hard to do... Trust me I know...
It bugged me that they weren't even more surprised of that they were part of a show... Also your character seemed like a dick at some points and a gentlemen at others... I know that he thought that they were cosplayers but really... Attitude is key for a character...
That's what I found on that concept...
Other than that I see that you actually took sometime on this...
You can PM me if you have any questions... And good. Luck as a writer.... And as I say to lots of writers. NEVER and I mean NEVER GIVE UP ....just try harder....
hmm not bad
3746511
Yeah I guess I did rush it at a few points, now that I reread it. I'll try and slow the pace down from now on, but I didn't put what happened to Allyn prier to his arrival in this chapter intentionally. Kinda wanted to have it start the next one.
About the OOC; I'm still having trouble trying that one, as I've only recently gotten into the herd and haven't seen the whole series yet. Mainly I've only seen this season and season 1, But I have heard of what's happened in between from my friend (who is the one who's helping me with proof-reading). When he meets Rarity, I'll try and make her react a little more realistically.
And I was trying to have Allyn be mean at some points, but I guess I over did it if it's interpreted a certain way. The way I wrote it; he was asking if they actually knew who they were cosplaying as, or were just modeling or trying to act like hipsters.
But thank you for being honest and giving positive feedback.
he in so much trouble
awesome
bwahahahahahahaha, freaking brilliant stunt
I'm sure she's gonna tell him something awkward like its okay for him to court Luna or some crap like that.
sweet
3885162
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Oh, goody, another human hero...
Oh goody! Another hater!
likey
Only one year has passed in Equestria
evil baste red. very nice chapter
'100 push-ups, 250 sit-ups, 30 minutes of Krav Maga training, a 5 mile run, and for today; he planned for a hike in the Hollywood Hills area', are you fucking kidding me?
4248964
Dude, when I was training for my black belt; (with the exception of the hike) my sensei had everyone do that before the other two hours of a test we had to do five times in six months, each test harder than the last, and he had adults sparing teens and teens sparing kids at the last hour of each of them.
And anyone fell behind in one of the exercises, everyone had do that one again until everyone was finished.
now imagine being twelve, living in California, and going through that shit in the summer.
you learn to grow the fuck up quickly at his dojo.
so that part is considered 'a light warm up.'
he has the power of imagination.
awesome yet again
It doesn't matter if they don't exist, Pinkie will still have them at the party.
4280062
are....
are you from the future?
4280067
No, It's just Pinkie Pie.
Dawwwwwwwwwww the feels just got me right in the heart
:)
nice job
4333089
Thank you
They should have kissed at the end.
that was pretty good
nice
I have to say that you have dun a good Job on this story. I can't wait for the next chapter so Keep up whit the work you are doing.
Dragonfox
me want more chapters to read i really like this story
7016580 OH MY GOD, I HAD ACTUALLY FORGOTEN ABOUT THIS!
lol i thought something like that happened
7016580
Me too.
7022478
It is kind of funny when a author forget they wrote something then gets a message then it all comes back lol