Ok I am theone2three with some conservative criticism and before I start.... I am not here to hurt any feelings at all I am here to help... and if take some of these suggestions then great... If you don't want to...then that's ok too... All I'm here for is to give a small review of what I saw...
Let's begin...
I want to start with the pacing of your story...
Even with 4000 words I feel like some parts were rushed... Like the beginning... And this entire day your oc had.
Having a good pace can be hard sometimes because describing more than characters like surroundings and thoughts requires more thought ... Simple as that..
Things like grammar and spacing your text is done well and honestly requires no review..
Next on the list is the how you set this up.. Your plot and character development.
Some of the mane 6 were a bit OOC or out of character... Mostly because they kinda went how the OC or you the writer wanted not how they would react... Naturally... Even though that's hard to do... Trust me I know...
It bugged me that they weren't even more surprised of that they were part of a show... Also your character seemed like a dick at some points and a gentlemen at others... I know that he thought that they were cosplayers but really... Attitude is key for a character...
That's what I found on that concept...
Other than that I see that you actually took sometime on this...
You can PM me if you have any questions... And good. Luck as a writer.... And as I say to lots of writers. NEVER and I mean NEVER GIVE UP ....just try harder....
3746511 Yeah I guess I did rush it at a few points, now that I reread it. I'll try and slow the pace down from now on, but I didn't put what happened to Allyn prier to his arrival in this chapter intentionally. Kinda wanted to have it start the next one.
About the OOC; I'm still having trouble trying that one, as I've only recently gotten into the herd and haven't seen the whole series yet. Mainly I've only seen this season and season 1, But I have heard of what's happened in between from my friend (who is the one who's helping me with proof-reading). When he meets Rarity, I'll try and make her react a little more realistically.
And I was trying to have Allyn be mean at some points, but I guess I over did it if it's interpreted a certain way. The way I wrote it; he was asking if they actually knew who they were cosplaying as, or were just modeling or trying to act like hipsters.
But thank you for being honest and giving positive feedback.
Hmm....where to start... Hmm...
Ok I am theone2three with some conservative criticism and before I start.... I am not here to hurt any feelings at all I am here to help... and if take some of these suggestions then great... If you don't want to...then that's ok too... All I'm here for is to give a small review of what I saw...
Let's begin...
I want to start with the pacing of your story...
Even with 4000 words I feel like some parts were rushed... Like the beginning... And this entire day your oc had.
Having a good pace can be hard sometimes because describing more than characters like surroundings and thoughts requires more thought ... Simple as that..
Things like grammar and spacing your text is done well and honestly requires no review..
Next on the list is the how you set this up.. Your plot and character development.
Some of the mane 6 were a bit OOC or out of character... Mostly because they kinda went how the OC or you the writer wanted not how they would react... Naturally... Even though that's hard to do... Trust me I know...
It bugged me that they weren't even more surprised of that they were part of a show... Also your character seemed like a dick at some points and a gentlemen at others... I know that he thought that they were cosplayers but really... Attitude is key for a character...
That's what I found on that concept...
Other than that I see that you actually took sometime on this...
You can PM me if you have any questions... And good. Luck as a writer.... And as I say to lots of writers. NEVER and I mean NEVER GIVE UP ....just try harder....
hmm not bad
3746511
Yeah I guess I did rush it at a few points, now that I reread it. I'll try and slow the pace down from now on, but I didn't put what happened to Allyn prier to his arrival in this chapter intentionally. Kinda wanted to have it start the next one.
About the OOC; I'm still having trouble trying that one, as I've only recently gotten into the herd and haven't seen the whole series yet. Mainly I've only seen this season and season 1, But I have heard of what's happened in between from my friend (who is the one who's helping me with proof-reading). When he meets Rarity, I'll try and make her react a little more realistically.
And I was trying to have Allyn be mean at some points, but I guess I over did it if it's interpreted a certain way. The way I wrote it; he was asking if they actually knew who they were cosplaying as, or were just modeling or trying to act like hipsters.
But thank you for being honest and giving positive feedback.
Only one year has passed in Equestria