- Member Since 2nd Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Saturday
Trithtale
I'm Trithtale on Xbox and would love to play with you all. I like to play video games, watch MLP, and my favorite characters are the Changelings. I am also known to edit stories for others.
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Hmm, this looks promising enough. I would suggest making chapers a tad bit longer. Don't make too many POV switches. I did that when I was new to the site, and people started complaining about it. Fun fact, I've actually begun writing a Bloodborne fic as well called: Papa Gehrman. If you'd like me to help you out with some of Bloodborne's lore, feel free to PM me. I'm Always willing to help a fellwo Bloodborne fan!
That would be lovely to have your help as well. Cause I don't know if you can tell, but I have actually little to no knowledge of Bloodborne lore. it actually took me about 5 minutes just to fine the Tonitrus and figure out its name and its trick form. So yeah a bit of help would be appreciated. Also the same to you if you ever need help, just ask.
As a contributor to the Displaced I can easily say that this will fail moderation. I can't give a huge review right now, I'm a little busy at the moment, but I'll say a few things.
-Your grammar and spelling is good enough, far better than the other stuff I've reviewed.
-Your chapters must be longer, trust me, it looks completely half assed right now. People usually don't like to read chapters that are under 1k words, minimum. Unless it's a story like "Know Your Mare"
-Space your paragraphs apart. Dialogue only is still a paragraph, even if it's only one line.
-And finally, build upon your scenes. Describe stuff, show us, not tell us.
6609396 Thank you for telling me, and I will incorporate these things into my story.
Your friendly neighborhood plague doctor. Have a good night
6609402 You're welcome, and good luck.
6609408 The same to you, have a good night.
6609402 Ah yes, a fellow plague doctor. Greetings brother.
6609433 Ahh brother, how are you this fine night?
This looks interesting, only problem I have is that the chapters are shorter than what Imm used to.
6609437 Yah, Vesperia has pointed it out to me and I plan to fix this problem in the future chapters. But all the same thanks for mentioning it.
6609436 Very well brother. Spreading chaos and harmony within these lands. Business as usual.
6609455 Ah I see, this is good news, keep up the good work brother.
well you made this interesting just from making the doll the troll instead of the normal comicon stall owner.
What do you mean by troll?
Hey im voting 4 dis story.
6651134 Thanks that means a lot
ima just kinda make the main 6 you know... kinda suffer for a internety just A internety
6651134 2good4me
also echos?
6651982 also are you an scp? because your the plauge docter
6609455 hey is is possible to mutate ponies to be servents? because your all about meds and stuff
6690095 No I am not an SCP and yes it is very possible to mutate ponies to be servants. If you want I can hook you up with some of my special meds. Family recipe and almost guaranteed for the mutations you are looking for.
6690095 You mean mind control? I do have that kind of serum somewhere. Accidentally made it when I tried to find an antidote for the TCB potion. I have one that can give someone wings, Alicorn-tiered magic, a bottle of souls, a mummy I created and named Ermac, a living but dismembered head of TF2 Blu spy,
a potion that will make your dick bigger, the horns of Celestia's and Luna's parents, the wings of Commander Hurricane, a clone of Discord, a clone of Deadpool, a nuclear briefcase bomb, a Nova 6 Missile, my own personal AI, a zombie version of Shane from the Walking Dead, a room full of Pinkie Pie clones (I bribed them with an infinite amount of sweets and party supplies so them may never leave), the dismembered head of the Prophet of Truth, a Dropbear, Lord Commisar Alexer's medicine for all the times he fucked a horse, a pill to reduce Emperor Lorenzo's level of being an ass, and the cure for Cancer. That's not all but you don't have clearence. Now will you excuse me, I have a card game to finish with the Merchant, Symbol, Loki, Satan, and Black Jesus.6690118 ok and ill pay you in nukes and toxic bins
6690165 can i join? also SCREW LOGIC I CAN DO MIND CONTROL BAH BAH BAH BAPOWER!
6690165 can i play what ever card game your playing :p i got ones from the void never heard of
6690391 Deal here you go. *hands over medicine* Now gimme toxic bins
6690397 Sure, just don't piss of the Merchant. He recently got his ass kicked by one of his Displaced.
6690781 Hah serves him right.
6690696 ok ill give you about 50 toxic bins and 2 mini nukes and 1 nuke
6690781 ahh i see
6692011 Deal. Gimme allllll the bins... and I guess the nukes are good to... But binssssss
6690076 Ah just got what you were confused about. Echos as in Blood Echos, you know the currency in bloodborne.
6722156 ok ill take that (even if i dont know what bloodborne is )
6725864 It's a part of the Souls series. You know games like Dark souls and Demon Souls
6726087 i think ive had enough of a guy screaming PRAISE THE SUN!
6726132 Ohh you've meet one of those crazy bastards
6726199 yeah i have
6726199 and jebus not the fairy from link shit just please
6726728 What? Now that comment confuses me, could you explain what you mean?
You NEED more words in your chapters!.
6726757 I would, but I suck at making chapters on my own. Also it is nice to meet a Dealer
6726733 here
end at 0:36
6726765 WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PPL WITH PLAUGE MASKS!
6726774 Ok that was hilarious. Thank you for explaining and for showing me this
6726793 yeah its what ppl think of navi
I must say that the story is not bad, but the chapters are very short, and that's the only thing I dislike, otherwise it is a good idea.
Regards.
6743243 Why thanks you, and as to the length of the chapters. Yah I apologies, I am just terrible at writing long chapters. Have a good night.
The title should be "Father of Equis" as "Equss" would be pronounced as "Eks".
6744437 Thanks because for the longest time I have not known how to spell it correctly.