"Dear princess celestia today I learned that salt water being poured down on my body while doing the fetish that I have always wanted to do does not add up Yours truly Twilight Sparkle"
Oh my... there is so much wrong with this in regards to electricity it isn't even funny. Don't get me wrong it does sound like the sort of thing Twilight would enjoy and I did like the chapter. It's just I could point out so many problems with this that I don't think anyone would read my comment it would be so long. I know you said you wouldn't change it but I could help you in rewriting this. Sorry, it's just I can't stand so many glaring problems with electrical concepts. I don't mean to sound negative, it's just this chapter could have been so much better.
Why not? Seriously, I kinda expected something on this line. Maybe it were the cool devices animes I watched years ago, but I kinda expected something the lines of pain. Ok, the letter to the princess was a bit much imo, but we 're talking about Twilight anyways. The reaction the others will have that she wrote a letter actually could be interesting. So next is rarity. And then Fluttershy. Well, I really expect something the lines of Watersports or even scat (although the latter is a bit much for my tastes, but I can always stop reading if it goes that far).
3552830 Oh I know, I think it's a very good chapter on the whole. It's just the way things happened is technically impossible, but the end result can be achieved in possible ways. I think her friends will be shocked (no pun intended) to learn that she nearly killed herslf for pleasure. I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't done that again since then. It would also not surprise me if one of her friends offered to be a spotter for her if she wanted to do it again.
3552988 Twi's technically makes sense, but you'd need some pretty precise stimulation to make it work. Admitted, all my friends claim that I'm Twi, so I am a bit biased against something I could never find enticing. I don't know, I just figured that since Pinkie's was so obviously based on her character, it seemed that bestiality might fit Fluttershy better. Who knows, I could be completely wrong.
Okay, last one out right now. Twi's, once again, wasn't all that insane. I've touched the metal in plugs while trying to get them out of outlets before, and it was far from the worst sensation I've ever felt. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if someone was turned on by that, albeit not to this extreme. One small logic thing that you said you wouldn't fix anyway, though; water has to have salt or another metallic impurity to conduct electricity; it can't just be anything. Salt is metallic, though, so it works here.
3553014 Not true, not true! Pinkie's was obvious to me from the first time I even knew about the character. Almost every Pinkie clop I've ever read is either drenched in syrup, or dipped in chocolate or frosting or etc. Some can be obvious.
Twilight: "Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that no matter how much you love something, there will be a point in your life when you must put it to a stop and tell your friends about it during a sleepover."
3552725 I know there are probably some really obvious flaws to anyone educated on the subject. Honestly, did do a little research, but overall, I've never learned about electrocution. I'm only in Biology 1. If you could point some things out that you think would make it better, I'd be glad to hear them. I am aware that electrocution won't stun your breathing, I was just trying to make that a bit more dramatic. Thanks, though. I'm always looking to improve! I'm open to what you have to change, I just don't want to make too many dramatic changes.
3552649 I never planned on it, but I'm now highly considering it. I won't make an entire chapter based on hypnosis (trust me, I had these fetishes sorted out long ago), but I may consider adding it in. Thank you for the suggestion.
Well didn't see that one coming. I mean Pinkie's was obvious as was Applejack's after her reaction to having her hoof liked by Pinkie. I also had an idea about Rainbow's, not spanking exactly but something about her being dominated/ feeling helpless but Twilight's caught me off guard a little. Not that I minded though, I thought that was pretty hot and loved this chapter.
So far Twilight's and Rainbow's are my favourite chapters, I can't wait to see what Rarity's fetish is. Maybe it has something about her being dirty like rolling around in mud like a pig or maybe scat play perhaps? It also could be her acting less like a lady, like passing gas and acting like a slob, only she would know how stressful it is keeping her image of a perfect lady and this would be her way to blow of some steam.
Can't wait to see what it turns out to be, see you next chapter.
3553162 Oh dear, um, it would be difficult to point out little things that need changing. It would be simplier to rewrite whole sections of it I'm afraid. However I'll point out a few things. 1. Shock collars are still electrocution, they're just made to be at a level that is considered safe, or safer at any rate. 2. A battery delivers direct current, (DC) not alternating current (AC). Yes you can be shocked by a bettery but once that initial kick has passed the current just flows through you. The only sensation you might get is heat, at least that is my understanding. For electrocution that causes continous spasms you need your battery to power an inverter or something similar to create alternating current. 3. Electricity, whether AC or DC always travels the path of least resistance. (positive to negative for DC, Active to Neutral (or earth) for AC). As Twi had both terminals connected near eachother at her genitals, her heart would have not been in any real danger. 4. Electrocution is a dangerous thing, and one should only use devices designed for it (such as shock collars). Someone as smart as Twi would know this and wouldn't risk using anything else, especially on her first try. However this would kind of change the end of this chapter too much, I get you wanted Twi to be in mortal danger. Anyway, I've rambled enough, I do like this chapter though, I thought the salt water was a nice touch. Tap water will conduct electricity because it already has significant impurities, but adding salt does indeed make it better.
covering her body in salt water would just make the electricity flow through the water over her skin and would actually reduce the amount of shock she would receive, on the other hand I only thought about this after I finished reading, and it did not subtract from the chapter in any way.
I've been electrocuted twice, it is a pretty nice feeling. I know it causes muscles to stop working so I know why Twilight lost bladder control. I couldn't move my arm for about 10 mins the second time I did it, that was an accident though. I can't understand why such a dangerous fetish, I mean I hope Rarity and Fluttershy don't have an asphyxiation fetish. Those 2 kinks are most likely going to end in death.
And the first thing Twilight does after her fetish nearly kills her...is write Celestia. Yeah...that makes sense. Woulda loved to see Celestia's face when she read that letter.
3553404 1. That's something I can easily change by editing a couple lines, and won't be a problem for me. 2, 3. This is all really new to me. Like I stated: I'm not well-read on the topic. I don't think that'd be an easy fix for me. I'd have to completely replace an object with something else (and I wouldn't even know what to replace it with!). I'm particular slow at science to even begin to wrap my head around all of that. Also, I didn't want to dramatically change the story. 4. I'm aware electrocution is dangerous, I mean, she almost died. I meant to endanger Twi in this chapter, that was basically the entire climax. Although it wasn't stated directly in the story, but it was most likely Twilight's intelligence that was keeping her from trying it all those years. Curiosity would have eventually gotten to her and she couldn't bare with it any longer. I don't know how far I'll go into making this scientifically accurate. I like having good chapters, but I can honestly say I get stressed wondering about the logic behind my writing. Also, not all impurities conduct electricity. I wasn't going to do additional research about what's in tap water, and if it made for good conductors. Thanks for all this, though.
Are you asking about asphyxiation? It's cutting off your breath until you basically blackout/die. The fetish itself involves choking someone to the edge of death so they can get a very strong orgasm from the air loss.
3553830 Yeah, I know it would be a significant rewrite. Unfortunately as best as I can tell, death by electrostimulation is not possible the way you described. Also any death from from elecrocution is likely to be very quick, there is no slow buildup to danger. However, there was a sort of danger that she was in. Because she couldn't activate the switch or move anything with her magic, the only way for her to stop the electrocution would be to remove one of her clamps while it is running. If she were to touch the conductive part with her hoof after it has disconnected from her genitals then the path of least resistance goes through her chest and heart. THAT is exactly the way deaths usually occur is electrostimulation. So not being able to reach the switch and not having any other way of deactivating it can be a real danger. As for the device, there are dedication electrostimulation devices available which I'm sure she could get seeing as she got shock collars and all. There is apparently a rule when doing this sort of thing, only below the waist (which Twi did), the reason the shock collar is okay is because both terminals are in the collar and close to each other. So all Twi was doing was giving a localised shock to her neck and each of her legs independently. Anyway, a rewrite of this being accurate and still having significant danger to her life is possible but in a diffferent way to how you did it.
You know what? I hate this... They always say it's a sleepover, but no one's ever sleeping! For once, I want someone to play with my expectations and have an actual sleep over... Like a story 2,000 words long just about people sleeping. Wouldn't expect that... Except I will now since I said it...
How much detail would one be allowed to give about the process of sleeping, and still be considered on-topic?
I think it's apparent you don't necessarily want to hear about their dreams, at least not in detail (ie; a dream scene is not about the physical process of sleeping), but I also assume you wouldn't want to go off the deep end and have a lecture about REM sleep, right?
Anyway, on topic, I hope this story is finished soon... Kind of odd saying that, since it's been released recently, maybe it sounds impatient, and if so I apologize.
It's just that thing, about unfinished story (Guilty, too), all over the read later list. (Gah!)
The ones you don't download to your Ereader because you'd have to come back online later and puzzle out where you were, and in which.
3553921 I'll look into it. but most likely go back to revise it when I finish the story as whole. I can tell that chapter will be a hassle, and there'll be a lot of research. I still have 3 chapters to fully finish (plus an alternate ending), so I'll put that off to do when the fanfiction is completely finished.
3553452 Don't even go there. Pinkie's fetish was too predictable as it was. If he gave Fluttershy zoophilia, it would not only be predictable, but it would also ruin the build up.
3554059 Fine then. If Fluttershy enjoys nature so much, then she'll have a vore fetish and feed little mice to hawks 'n shit to get off, because predation is a part of the natural cycle. /sarcasm
So is one of the two left gonna be having a hypnosis fetish?
...um that's not strange...at all
"Dear princess celestia today I learned that salt water being poured down on my body while doing the fetish that I have always wanted to do does not add up
Yours truly
Twilight Sparkle"
I can honestly say I never saw that coming.
Oh my... there is so much wrong with this in regards to electricity it isn't even funny. Don't get me wrong it does sound like the sort of thing Twilight would enjoy and I did like the chapter. It's just I could point out so many problems with this that I don't think anyone would read my comment it would be so long. I know you said you wouldn't change it but I could help you in rewriting this. Sorry, it's just I can't stand so many glaring problems with electrical concepts. I don't mean to sound negative, it's just this chapter could have been so much better.
3552649 Why would you... think of something like that?
totally did not see that coming....
you have surprised even me... and usaully i can pick out what happens before i get to it...
keep up the good work.
i have the weirdest boner right now..............
oh wait never mind its gone
31.media.tumblr.com/d938aa9ec4f26fee61e2277c31613004/tumblr_mruxmmUCzE1r1b19wo1_500.gif
Why not? Seriously, I kinda expected something on this line. Maybe it were the cool devices animes I watched years ago, but I kinda expected something the lines of pain. Ok, the letter to the princess was a bit much imo, but we 're talking about Twilight anyways. The reaction the others will have that she wrote a letter actually could be interesting. So next is rarity. And then Fluttershy. Well, I really expect something the lines of Watersports or even scat (although the latter is a bit much for my tastes, but I can always stop reading if it goes that far).
@_____@ WOAH.
Lol, so far we have two on the lines of masochism. Any sadism in the future? It would complete the set :3
3552725
Please let it be. Yeah I know, there are mistakes, but this is a story for fun reasons. Overscientificness is not needed imo. No offense.
3552822
Why do I have suddenly a pic of Rarity in a Domina outfit in my head.... DAMN HEAD KINO.
Electrocution fetish? Damn Twilight!!!
I'm guessing Rarity's fetish is a Dominatrix or Submissive kind of mare.
3552662
Well, tbh, I won't be surprised if it's pedestrian by comparison and Fluttershy's just blowing it out of proportion, but the cliché about watching out for the quiet ones also keeps me on my toes.
The only potential for actual surprise is in the specific fetish.
i wonder what fluttershy's fetish will be...? c:
"insert image of her in padding (if you know what that meant. :D)"
3552830 Oh I know, I think it's a very good chapter on the whole. It's just the way things happened is technically impossible, but the end result can be achieved in possible ways. I think her friends will be shocked (no pun intended) to learn that she nearly killed herslf for pleasure. I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't done that again since then. It would also not surprise me if one of her friends offered to be a spotter for her if she wanted to do it again.
Somepony is going to have one weird-ass fetish!
Hmm... I honestly didn't expect this from Twilight...
'But I did.'
Shut up. You knew nothing. Great chapter, all in all. Can't wait for Rarity.
I'm putting my money on bestiality (makes the most sense for Fluttershy).
3552838 if you want I can put that picture on your screen. I conveniently have a pic of that on photobucket :3
Oh! oh! Check your messages in like 10 mins!
Edit: never mind, must've deleted it...
All I can find on google now is humanized version....
3552965
It's gotta come further out of left field. My money is on hardcore BDSM type shit.
3552988
Twi's technically makes sense, but you'd need some pretty precise stimulation to make it work. Admitted, all my friends claim that I'm Twi, so I am a bit biased against something I could never find enticing. I don't know, I just figured that since Pinkie's was so obviously based on her character, it seemed that bestiality might fit Fluttershy better. Who knows, I could be completely wrong.
Okay, last one out right now. Twi's, once again, wasn't all that insane. I've touched the metal in plugs while trying to get them out of outlets before, and it was far from the worst sensation I've ever felt. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if someone was turned on by that, albeit not to this extreme. One small logic thing that you said you wouldn't fix anyway, though; water has to have salt or another metallic impurity to conduct electricity; it can't just be anything. Salt is metallic, though, so it works here.
3553014
Not true, not true! Pinkie's was obvious to me from the first time I even knew about the character. Almost every Pinkie clop I've ever read is either drenched in syrup, or dipped in chocolate or frosting or etc. Some can be obvious.
Twilight: "Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that no matter how much you love something, there will be a point in your life when you must put it to a stop and tell your friends about it during a sleepover."
Celestia:
3552725 I know there are probably some really obvious flaws to anyone educated on the subject. Honestly, did do a little research, but overall, I've never learned about electrocution. I'm only in Biology 1. If you could point some things out that you think would make it better, I'd be glad to hear them. I am aware that electrocution won't stun your breathing, I was just trying to make that a bit more dramatic. Thanks, though. I'm always looking to improve! I'm open to what you have to change, I just don't want to make too many dramatic changes.
3552649 I never planned on it, but I'm now highly considering it. I won't make an entire chapter based on hypnosis (trust me, I had these fetishes sorted out long ago), but I may consider adding it in. Thank you for the suggestion.
Well didn't see that one coming. I mean Pinkie's was obvious as was Applejack's after her reaction to having her hoof liked by Pinkie. I also had an idea about Rainbow's, not spanking exactly but something about her being dominated/ feeling helpless but Twilight's caught me off guard a little. Not that I minded though, I thought that was pretty hot and loved this chapter.
So far Twilight's and Rainbow's are my favourite chapters, I can't wait to see what Rarity's fetish is. Maybe it has something about her being dirty like rolling around in mud like a pig or maybe scat play perhaps? It also could be her acting less like a lady, like passing gas and acting like a slob, only she would know how stressful it is keeping her image of a perfect lady and this would be her way to blow of some steam.
Can't wait to see what it turns out to be, see you next chapter.
Will Spike be seen again in the story (either bringing up his own fetish or secretly listening in on the others), or is his part done?
3553162 Oh dear, um, it would be difficult to point out little things that need changing. It would be simplier to rewrite whole sections of it I'm afraid. However I'll point out a few things.
1. Shock collars are still electrocution, they're just made to be at a level that is considered safe, or safer at any rate.
2. A battery delivers direct current, (DC) not alternating current (AC). Yes you can be shocked by a bettery but once that initial kick has passed the current just flows through you. The only sensation you might get is heat, at least that is my understanding. For electrocution that causes continous spasms you need your battery to power an inverter or something similar to create alternating current.
3. Electricity, whether AC or DC always travels the path of least resistance. (positive to negative for DC, Active to Neutral (or earth) for AC). As Twi had both terminals connected near eachother at her genitals, her heart would have not been in any real danger.
4. Electrocution is a dangerous thing, and one should only use devices designed for it (such as shock collars). Someone as smart as Twi would know this and wouldn't risk using anything else, especially on her first try. However this would kind of change the end of this chapter too much, I get you wanted Twi to be in mortal danger.
Anyway, I've rambled enough, I do like this chapter though, I thought the salt water was a nice touch. Tap water will conduct electricity because it already has significant impurities, but adding salt does indeed make it better.
3552747
How is that any worse than n electrocution fetish?
Also, Fluttershy Really likes her animals... And Spike.
I'm betting Fluttershy's fetish is a very disturbing one After all, it's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for
All I can fathom for rarity is a little old saying I know the bigger the pockect the kinker they get
Fluttershy LOVES animals....
covering her body in salt water would just make the electricity flow through the water over her skin and would actually reduce the amount of shock she would receive, on the other hand I only thought about this after I finished reading, and it did not subtract from the chapter in any way.
inb4 consensual intercourse in missionary position for soul purpose of procreation.
I've been electrocuted twice, it is a pretty nice feeling. I know it causes muscles to stop working so I know why Twilight lost bladder control. I couldn't move my arm for about 10 mins the second time I did it, that was an accident though. I can't understand why such a dangerous fetish, I mean I hope Rarity and Fluttershy don't have an asphyxiation fetish. Those 2 kinks are most likely going to end in death.
Update?
buck twilight That's a lethal fetish! little worried for you....
And the first thing Twilight does after her fetish nearly kills her...is write Celestia. Yeah...that makes sense. Woulda loved to see Celestia's face when she read that letter.
3553707 what is this, never heard of befor?
3553404
1. That's something I can easily change by editing a couple lines, and won't be a problem for me.
2, 3. This is all really new to me. Like I stated: I'm not well-read on the topic. I don't think that'd be an easy fix for me. I'd have to completely replace an object with something else (and I wouldn't even know what to replace it with!). I'm particular slow at science to even begin to wrap my head around all of that. Also, I didn't want to dramatically change the story.
4. I'm aware electrocution is dangerous, I mean, she almost died. I meant to endanger Twi in this chapter, that was basically the entire climax. Although it wasn't stated directly in the story, but it was most likely Twilight's intelligence that was keeping her from trying it all those years. Curiosity would have eventually gotten to her and she couldn't bare with it any longer.
I don't know how far I'll go into making this scientifically accurate. I like having good chapters, but I can honestly say I get stressed wondering about the logic behind my writing.
Also, not all impurities conduct electricity. I wasn't going to do additional research about what's in tap water, and if it made for good conductors. Thanks for all this, though.
3553803
Are you asking about asphyxiation? It's cutting off your breath until you basically blackout/die. The fetish itself involves choking someone to the edge of death so they can get a very strong orgasm from the air loss.
3553830 Yeah, I know it would be a significant rewrite. Unfortunately as best as I can tell, death by electrostimulation is not possible the way you described. Also any death from from elecrocution is likely to be very quick, there is no slow buildup to danger. However, there was a sort of danger that she was in. Because she couldn't activate the switch or move anything with her magic, the only way for her to stop the electrocution would be to remove one of her clamps while it is running. If she were to touch the conductive part with her hoof after it has disconnected from her genitals then the path of least resistance goes through her chest and heart. THAT is exactly the way deaths usually occur is electrostimulation. So not being able to reach the switch and not having any other way of deactivating it can be a real danger. As for the device, there are dedication electrostimulation devices available which I'm sure she could get seeing as she got shock collars and all. There is apparently a rule when doing this sort of thing, only below the waist (which Twi did), the reason the shock collar is okay is because both terminals are in the collar and close to each other. So all Twi was doing was giving a localised shock to her neck and each of her legs independently. Anyway, a rewrite of this being accurate and still having significant danger to her life is possible but in a diffferent way to how you did it.
You know what? I hate this... They always say it's a sleepover, but no one's ever sleeping! For once, I want someone to play with my expectations and have an actual sleep over... Like a story 2,000 words long just about people sleeping. Wouldn't expect that... Except I will now since I said it...
...Hm? Oh! The story itself? It was nice .
3553981
How much detail would one be allowed to give about the process of sleeping, and still be considered on-topic?
I think it's apparent you don't necessarily want to hear about their dreams, at least not in detail (ie; a dream scene is not about the physical process of sleeping), but I also assume you wouldn't want to go off the deep end and have a lecture about REM sleep, right?
Anyway, on topic, I hope this story is finished soon... Kind of odd saying that, since it's been released recently, maybe it sounds impatient, and if so I apologize.
It's just that thing, about unfinished story (Guilty, too), all over the read later list. (Gah!)
The ones you don't download to your Ereader because you'd have to come back online later and puzzle out where you were, and in which.
3553921 I'll look into it. but most likely go back to revise it when I finish the story as whole. I can tell that chapter will be a hassle, and there'll be a lot of research. I still have 3 chapters to fully finish (plus an alternate ending), so I'll put that off to do when the fanfiction is completely finished.
3553452 Don't even go there. Pinkie's fetish was too predictable as it was. If he gave Fluttershy zoophilia, it would not only be predictable, but it would also ruin the build up.
3554059
Fine then. If Fluttershy enjoys nature so much, then she'll have a vore fetish and feed little mice to hawks 'n shit to get off, because predation is a part of the natural cycle.
/sarcasm