Um....*clears throat as reads the ending* *Finishes reading the ending and bursts into laughter and tears* WHAT THE FUCK?! That has to be one of the weirdest things a horny Pinkie Pie could do. XD
Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. I never that I would say what I am about to say. I wish I didn't have to say it, but I do. Shit.
How many is this now? 3? 4? Something like that. I faved this story. I really didn't want to fav it, because I knew that if I did, I would be forced to come to terms with it.
read the first chapter, just starting the second. the story and he way its told is good, but you need to space out your text more. more spaces between paragraphs and such. the huge block of text is very off putting and isn't easy to read on a computer screen, the eye can get lost and so forth.
Pinkie examined her shy friend. She was still in complete shock. “I don’t know…” She now looked shamefully at the ground.
There you go with epithets again :P When you use pronouns, in general the last character mentioned is who the reader will think of. Here is sounds like 'her shy friend' (Fluttershy) is the one speaking, because she was the last mentioned by name (kinda). Nitpicky as fuck, but while I'm here... The line ought to be 'She then looked at the ground, ashamed.' Change 'now' to 'then' to keep tense correct, and removed the adverb, since the act of looking at the ground wasn't shameful, she did it because she was ashamed.
Pinkie was ignored and her coltfriend continued...
No need for passive voice there. Ought to be 'Ginger ignored her and continued..."
...they didn’t slow down one at all. In fact, they sped up.
The whole of the sex scene felt a little off, and I think this line in particular is a good representation of the problem. This is no time for 'facts'! Regardless of the syntax error, which in itself breaks flow, it just doesn't feel passionate like it should.
A good way, I find, to write sex scenes is to imagine it happening from the perspective of one of the participants. In this case, Pinkie's perspective would make sense, as she's tell the story, but if you're audience is male or you're more comfortable with it, imagining it from Ginger's side works as well. So imagine if you were in their position: what details would they focus on? Pinkie might notice the expression on Ginger's face; Ginger might notice the motion of Pinkie's body. More than perhaps any other time in writing, sex scenes are where you need to 'show not tell'.
And while it's meant to be fantastical and thus not deal with such concerns, I cannot shake the image of the horrible yeast infection Pinkie would be rockin' for weeks after this went down.
Oh my God... That ending was PRICELESS!
3541111 Yep, that'll teach him to laugh at Pinkie.
I don't get it. How's feeding him his own cum "a taste of his own medicine"?
...
...
...
Ah. Right. I don't think like you straight people.
...I-I did no su-uch thing!
I liked that. Although the chocolate in the vag was pretty odd.
Um....*clears throat as reads the ending* *Finishes reading the ending and bursts into laughter and tears* WHAT THE FUCK?! That has to be one of the weirdest things a horny Pinkie Pie could do. XD
Oh god, the infections...
And worse, straight ponies, with obligatory OC...
I was listening to this while reading this chapter.
3546101
...I hear Yeast is useful for baking.....
3547821
Not that kind of yeast. I checked once, to see if I could make bread with my own, ah, "strain".
Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. I never that I would say what I am about to say. I wish I didn't have to say it, but I do. Shit.
How many is this now? 3? 4? Something like that. I faved this story. I really didn't want to fav it, because I knew that if I did, I would be forced to come to terms with it.
Damn it. I'm just going to admit it now.
I like clop.
I like clop.
I like clop.
well some people or ponies do have food fetishes
3553527
Some people do, but I thought Pinkie's story was about "Something she found normal, but her partner didn't."
Namely, sticking the cupcake in his mouth.
read the first chapter, just starting the second. the story and he way its told is good, but you need to space out your text more. more spaces between paragraphs and such. the huge block of text is very off putting and isn't easy to read on a computer screen, the eye can get lost and so forth.
3546101 IKR?
The perfect way to train a women to suck
3544643 sher you didn't
There you go with epithets again :P When you use pronouns, in general the last character mentioned is who the reader will think of. Here is sounds like 'her shy friend' (Fluttershy) is the one speaking, because she was the last mentioned by name (kinda). Nitpicky as fuck, but while I'm here... The line ought to be 'She then looked at the ground, ashamed.' Change 'now' to 'then' to keep tense correct, and removed the adverb, since the act of looking at the ground wasn't shameful, she did it because she was ashamed.
No need for passive voice there. Ought to be 'Ginger ignored her and continued..."
The whole of the sex scene felt a little off, and I think this line in particular is a good representation of the problem. This is no time for 'facts'! Regardless of the syntax error, which in itself breaks flow, it just doesn't feel passionate like it should.
A good way, I find, to write sex scenes is to imagine it happening from the perspective of one of the participants. In this case, Pinkie's perspective would make sense, as she's tell the story, but if you're audience is male or you're more comfortable with it, imagining it from Ginger's side works as well. So imagine if you were in their position: what details would they focus on? Pinkie might notice the expression on Ginger's face; Ginger might notice the motion of Pinkie's body. More than perhaps any other time in writing, sex scenes are where you need to 'show not tell'.
And while it's meant to be fantastical and thus not deal with such concerns, I cannot shake the image of the horrible yeast infection Pinkie would be rockin' for weeks after this went down.
That was awesome I loved it all it was so sweet and sexy I can't wait to see what happens next.
This on is kind of against food fetishes BUT it will agree it is a good story
Jizz In His Mouth.....Ewwww
While reading this, this one scene kept playing in my head,
i2.ytimg.com/vi/yJ9DsFK1xX8/mqdefault.jpg