There was no single day passed in Ponyville school without a quarrel between Diamond Tiara and The Cutie Mark Crusaders. Well, it more likely one way insult after all. The CMC didn't take much attention about it, but not Apple Bloom this time. She and Diamond Tiara then involved in an near filly-fight.
Who know this quarrel would led them to a boundless friendship.
This serial is mainly about friendship built between Apple Bloom, a little filly from Apples Family, and Diamond Tiara, a rich, arrogant, yet a lonely filly. Update every Saturday, I hope.
Chapters (2)
Howdy y'all! This is my first fiction. I hope you guys enjoy it~
Some grammar issues, but not too bad. Also cliffhangers.
I think some fixing is in order
. I see a lot of mistakes in here. I'll try and point out a few and correct them so you can see what I mean.
My personal polisher quit a week ago.
Normally, when using the English language you don't say previous unless you currently have one, and past tense of quit is actually just quit, not quitted.
What ridiculous journey will you go on after school this time?
If I expand this contraction it becomes: "What ridiculous journey you will make after school this time?" Which is improper sentence structure when asking a question like this. What you need to do is move the will up before the subject (you). Also you can't make a journey, you can go on one.
"to learn new things, and make new friends."
Okay, first of all: "to learn much information" is not correct, it needs to be something more like:
to learn new things.
or
to understand new concepts.
Since the story is in past tense don't should be changed to didn't. To be embraced by knowledge, while technically accurate, is not a phrase you would see used a lot, and it mirrors the first part of the sentence, so it doesn't really bring a anything new to the story. You can't really "sight friendship," I will assume that you meant: "make new friends".
If you adhere to all of this it makes the sentence shorter, and easier to understand.
There are many more of these kinds of mistakes in here, which could be fixed by reading more up on the English language and gaining a better understanding for how it works. I don't mean to be harsh with these comments, just truthful
.
Edit: www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/ and www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide are both great resources when learning to write.
dat cliffhanger tho
Right there is where I didn't read this story. Fix the broken Engrish, prease.
whoa, i don't expect much comment!
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sorry
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oh thanks so much for critic!
i'll learn to improve my english skill somehow at chapter 2
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come again to read chap 2 friend!
new chapter submitted!
let me know if i make some improvement, y'all
mistake happened
Ignoring the obvious flaws, this story has a rather sweet charm to it. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it. Nice story
Well, that was certainly a Twist. Bravo. But, how long has this been going on I wonder? I did not see that end coming.
I guess you're not taking that adventure tag lightly.
Let's see where this goes.
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oh thanks so much for the comment!
i try my best to explore my imagination,,
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follow chapter 3 too, friend!
Cute story so far.
I'd suggest picking up an proofreader/editor to help you smooth out issues with English not being your native language. Your overall grammar is decent enough, just your word choices and turns of phrase could use help. Getting a native speaker to help identify and fix those up would improve the flow a lot. Maybe you can find someone in the Looking for Editors group? Say use something like Google Docs and give them permission to comment, they could flag those wording issues and give alternate ways to phrase it.
Couple of other useful bits:
[hr] creates a horizontal rule. You can use that instead of the *'s. It looks like so:
Numbers that are a single word, like three or twenty-five, should be written out. Numerals should only be used for larger numbers, like 947, and then only if they aren't starting a sentence.
DID NOT SEE THAT COMING OMFG
This story is dead, huh?