A New Friensdhip I
School was always good for fillies. They could study whatsoever nature made law, social interaction, study of equine, or simply make a friend or two. It was no different with Ponyville Elementary School, a one room school which provided most basic education to fillies in Ponyville. Every morning at school day, they came across Ponyville with a new spirit, to learn much information they don’t know, to be embraced by knowledge, and to sight a friendship.
“Hey, blank flanks! What ridiculous journey you’ll make after school this time? May I recommend you something? Maybe, polish my beautiful tiara? My previous personal polisher quitted a week ago.”
The CMC glared at her.
“Oh-oh yeah! Maybe, you could polish my spoon and shoes too, so you guys can change your name to Polisher Crusaders!” added Silver Spoon, Tiara’s more-likely-follower-than-best-friend.
“Mind your own business, Diamond Tiara. You just jealous of our adventure don’t you,” said Scootaloo.
Tiara rolled her eyes. “Jealous? Please. What to jealous about? Your smoothy blank flank? Don’t make me laugh, Scoot.”
“Come on now, crusaders! It’s no use to argue with them,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah, she made a point there, ha!” said Silver Spoon.
“Let’s mock at them, Silver Spoon. Blank flank, blank flank!”
“Blank flank, blank flank!” echoed Silver Spoon.
Apple Bloom, which her face now redder than her ribbon, galloped at them. “That’s enough, Diamond Tiara!”
She jumped and faced Tiara muzzle to muzzle. All the fillies in class were too shocked to react when,
“Good morning cl- what the!?” said Cheerilee as she saw at two angry fillies. “Stop, right now, fillies!”
Cheerilee and fillies tried to separate them.
“Let me go!” said Apple Bloom, dragged by Scoot and Sweetie Belle.
“Yea, let her go, so her blank flank can showed freely to every ponies!” said Tiara.
“What was you said? I show you-unf,” said Apple Bloom as she tried to release herself.
“I said, blank-“
“Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom, stop the fighting right now!” shouted Cheerilee.
“But, Ms. Cheerilee-“
“I said stop, then stop!”
Apple Bloom stared at her and Diamond Tiara. She almost bit her own tongue to hold her filly’s anger. Knew that this will go nowhere, after few seconds she sighed. “Okay, crusaders. Y’all can release me now.” Scoot and Sweetie Belle was doubt, but they did loosen their hooves.
“What’s wrong with you, Apple Bloom? She did it like yesterday, and one day before that, and another day! So why now?” asked Scoot.
“It just, ah can’t hold it anymore. Oh, ah ’m sorry guys.”
There were noises from other fillies. Cheerilee can only looked Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom with pity looks. “Tiara, Apple Bloom, I demand you to meet me after school. We have to talk about this. But for now, let us all start the study.” said Cheerilee as she took a book from her pink saddlebag.
*
It was eleven past ten, time to go home after study. But now, in teacher’s room (or just Cheerilee’s room because she was the only teacher there) there were 2 fillies sat awkwardly with some space separated each other in front of Cheerilee’s desk.
“What’s the matter now, fillies?” asked Cheerilee.
Apple Bloom opened her muzzle. “She always mock at me, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle, Ms. Cheerilee, coz the fact that us don’t have our cutie mark yet!”
“Is that right, Diamond Tiara?” Cheerilee turned to her.
She turned her face away. “Yea, well.”
“Now why you did it?”
She glanced for a moment. She rubbed her back legs each other. “Umm, well, if you asked it that way, Ms. Cheerilee, I can’t say any reason.”
Apple Bloom literally hoped from her chair. “No reason huh, well that mean there’s no reason ah needed to-“
“Apple Bloom! It is not even 5 minute yet we talking here. Now please sit down again,” said Cheerilee before Apple Bloom throw some swear.
To Cheerilee’s surprise, Apple Bloom just stopped at moment and nodded. “Right. Ah ‘m sorry, Ms. Cheerilee.”
“You know, filly fighting like this often happened, but it doesn’t mean that we have to let it there. There were times when I had filly fighting too back when I was your age, so I know that it just pointless. You fillies wait for a second,” said Cheerilee as she searched something in her drawer.
“Now, I want you guys to keep along. I ask you to work in a team to find me this certain flower,” said Cheerilee as she put a flower photo. It was nice flower, yet not that it’s rare or something.
“O, Ms. Cheerilee. Ya can’t do this to us, ah mean, me!” said Apple Bloom.
Cheerilee leaned on her chair, corrected her position. “I can. I’m your teacher, remember?”
“But Ms. Cheerilee-“
“If you both don’t do this, I’ll make sure you both stayed at the same grade next year. How about that?” said Cheerilee with a quite grin.
Diamond Tiara flipped her hooves. “Okay, okay, I got it, Ms. Cheerilee. Now, where we have to find that stupid flower?”
“Well, who knows where is it. Maybe you’ll find it at back of school, or Ms. Bonbon’s Garden, or, well, maybe at Ms. Bonbon’s garden.”
“So be Ms. Bonbon’s garden. Okay, off to go, Ms. Cheerilee!” said Apple Bloom.
“Hey, don’t be so rush, Apple Bloom. Have I said that you have to do this together with Diamond Tiara?” stopped Cheerilee.
“Yea, didn’t you hear her?” said Tiara.
“Will you stop to say like that, Tiara? This work is supposed to make you fillies along. Now work together. The deadline is tomorrow. Now use that time and bring the flower at next class, okay!”
*
“What takes you so long, blank flank?”
Apple Bloom’s face started to redden again, but she could hold it this time. “Ah went to mah friends, said that ah be late coz this after school’s work with ya.”
“Oh, you went to meet your other blank flank friends, right?” said Tiara.
Instead prolonged the arguing, Apple Bloom turned another way. “Say what you want, Tiara, for all ah care. For now let us-she sticks out her tongue-go to Ms. Bonbon’s garden and ask for a flower or maybe a bouquet for Ms. Cheerilee.”
Tiara stood for surprised. “Uhh, wait, Apple Bloom!”
Apple Bloom stopped. “Did you just say ‘Apple Bloom’, Tiara?”
“Did I say that? Oh, I mean, yes. I said Apple Bloom! That is your name, right? What more I called you beside that name,” said Tiara.
Apple Bloom face brightened. “O Diamond Tiara! Ah couldn’t believe that! At least you called mah name! Ms. Cheerilee was right, this homework can get us along!” said Apple Bloom bouncily.
“Yes, yes, she was right. Uh, and you know, Apple Bloom? I had come to Ms. Bonbon’s garden earlier before you came. She said that she doesn’t have that flower for now.”
Apple Bloom scrunched. “Really? That shucks! Oh oh, but now we can find it together, as a friends! We can go to back of school, or the yard, or anywhere in Ponyville! This is gonna be fun!”
“Nooo!” shouted Tiara. “Err, I mean, Ms. Bonbon already said to me where to find that flower!”
“She did? How nice of her,” said Apple Bloom.
“Yes, unfortunately, the flower can only be found in the darkest and scariest place of all over Equestria.”
Apple Bloom did a thinking gesture. “You mean-“
“Yes, I mean Everfree Forest,” said Tiara with horror dramatically sound.
“Well, let’s go there, Tiara!” said Apple Bloom already galloped.
“Huh? Wait, wait! You don’t afraid?”
“Fret for what? Ah have a friend there! She named, um, Zora, Zacca, or maybe Zilgiester. Well, maybe when we meet her, ah will remember her name! Now let’s go!”
*
Even Canterlot’s library didn’t have many books about Everfree Forest. Its mystery had not been solved completely, for the darkness and danger creatures there made ponies away. The most research done only reached about 5 miles from the outer line, even the one involving pegasus. Rumor said that Princess Celestia could make it there, or even, had some connection.
And now, two little fillies; one didn’t have her cutie mark yet, stood bravely in front of the edge of Everfree Forest to complete their journey on flower searching mission.
“Ah-ah don’t think it’s a good idea at all,” said Apple Bloom trembled.
Diamond Tiara smirked a bit. “Why not? Didn’t you say that you have a friend inside that horribly dark mysterious forest named Zombrero?” said Tiara while hide her own trembled leg.
“Um, maybe today isn’t a good time to disturb her, ya know. Maybe, she went out to- the market! Or maybe it is time to go to zebra school!”
“Come on, Apple Bloom. Don’t you want this thrilling journey, with a friend?” said Tiara.
“Friend?! Oh, of course, mah friend Tiara! Sure we’ll make this a super thrilling journey, a journey with a friend!” said Apple Bloom.
“That’s what I call, err, whatever it’s supposed to be called! Hehe,” said Diamond Tiara. “Gotcha,” added Tiara in her heart as Apple Bloom took the bait.
Apple Bloom observed all the direction. “Now, what was Ms. Bonbon told ya again, Tiara?”
Her smile broke. “Oh, right! She said that, um, we have to search it in forward direction!”
Apple Bloom lifted her eyebrow. “Forward, eh?”
“Yea, forward! Then, let’s go forward!” said Tiara as she moved to ‘forward’.
“Okay! Can we sing a journey song! Oh, I loved sing so much!”
“Oh, stop it! Er, I mean, can we hold the singing until we found the flower?” said Tiara.
“All right then, friend!”
*
“Bonbon! How are you?” said Cheerilee as she met her.
“Oh, hi Cheerilee! Thanks for asking. Actually Lyra came here yesterday. She just looked at my garden, and when we had conversation, her face reddened and sweat leaked like from all of her body. I don’t say that wasn’t hot, tough. Heheh, and I don’t mean it like a pun,” said Bonbon.
Cheerilee shook her head “No, Bonbon. It is you the one who face reddened and sweat leaked from all of your body!”
She blushed. “Okay, okay. I admit my face blushed a bit, but it just that.”
Cheerilee chuckled. “By the way, Bonbon, had my students come here earlier?”
“Your students?” said Bonbon. “I guess not. You’re the first guest today.”
“Hm? I think I gave them clue very clearly. Well, I do teach them how to think out of the box; maybe I should erase it for next curriculum.”
“What’s the matter?”
Cheerilee touched her head. “Well, Bonbon. The thing is, I sent two of my students to find me a flower, and I expected they came here to ask you for that.”
“Who?”
“Their names are Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara, do you know them?”
Bonbon tried to remember something. “Apple Bloom- Apple- oh, is it as in Apple Apple? Well, I went to Apple’s barn to load their organic waste a week ago, but I didn’t see any filly. There were AJ, her hot brother, and Granny Smith. I don’t know about Diamond Tiara, maybe she was from some rich family?”
“Gosh. I already sense uneasy feeling now,” said Cheerilee.
“Relax, Cheerilee. Maybe they are just playing in town or something. What’s the worst could be happened?”
*
“I’m coming!” shouted Cheerilee as she went to know who lovely pony made ‘knock knock’ sound at her door.
“O hi, Ms. Cheerilee!” said the little filly with silver tiara on her head.
“Diamond Tiara? Whoa, come on in!”
She and Diamond Tiara then sat in the living room. “Just sit down when I made a tea, okay!” said Cheerilee.
Cheerilee’s house was another ‘home-sweet-home’. It was tidy and cutely organized; a typical single mare’s house on her ages. There were flower vase in table and a photo of she and her family hanged in wall; her parents were pass away, though.
She dedicated herself to teach and lived with fillies. In her spare time she would volunteer to care old ponies, warmed their rusty heart with her kind smile and helped them do stuff like knitting.
It was a shame that kind pony decided to live as a single mare. She claimed that she needs no “special somepony” to accompany her through life.
Minutes later, she brought a kettle with two fancy ceramic cups. “I just bought this tea from Trottingham. Here, have a try on it!” said Cheerilee as she poured the tea.
“Thanks, Ms. Cheerilee, and here’s the flower you wanted, Ms. Cheerilee!” said Diamond Tiara cheerily. Strangely cheer.
Cheerilee sat still and then she took the flower. “Hm, okay, so you finish the work I gave, but, where’s Apple Bloom? You are supposed to do it together, right?”
Diamond Tiara didn’t answer. She looked below and gave a sad eye.
“Wha-what’s the matter, Tiara?” asked Cheerilee carefully.
She began to sob. “Apple Bloom, she-she left me alone and threaten me,” said Diamond Tiara dramatically.
Ms. Cheerilee opened her muzzle for no voice, made an ‘o’ shape. “She what?!” said Cheerilee at least.
Diamond Tiara gulped. “I-I thought we could be a friend. I demand her forgiveness for what I’ve done until this time. But, she- oh maybe I’ve done too much to hurt her. She was angry to me all along, and with her big hooves, she shoved me down. She told that I have to do this alone and carry it to her home, and on tomorrow class, we should act like a team and such, and then she just leave to her friends which is absolutely not me. O, why she did this.”
Cheerilee’s jaw dropped. “I-I can’t believe it.”
“So do I, Ms. Cheerilee,” said Diamond Tiara.
Cheerilee shook her head. “But, it’s impossible! I mean, she is an Apple, as in Apple Apples! And-and everyone know the honesty and kindness of Apple family’s member!”
“So do I, Ms. Cheerilee,” said Diamond Tiara again. “But maybe, I thought it was because me all the time-“
“No, it couldn’t be your fault, Diamond Tiara. Don’t blame yourself. You tried to ask forgive, it’s good. Maybe, her heart isn’t opened yet,” said Cheerilee.
“Thank you, Ms. Cheerilee.”
“Okay, now you may go home. I’ll talk to Apple Bloom tomorrow. Thanks, Diamond Tiara.”
*
“Diamond Tiara! Where are you?!”
Apple Bloom run all the way, searched for her new friend. “Come on now, Tiara! It’s not funny anymore!”
She was running alone. Her heart beat so fast. It had been 6 hours since she with her friend walked into Everfree Forest.
The more she runs, the more she didn’t know where she is now. She didn’t know if she just went into deeper of the forest, or went out, or just went circle. All the direction looked same.
Sunlight wasn’t through the forest anymore, made the way hard to be looked.
“Ouch!” shouted Apple Bloom as she tripped over a strangle root in front of her. She hit the ground, dragged some dirt. “O my muzzle!” said Apple Bloom. She rubbed her muzzle, there was a bit of blood on her hooves.
She was tired and hungry. She ate her food 3 hours ago and all the running spent her body so much. Her legs couldn’t stand again for heaven know how much she run and rest. Now she just lied there, panting.
She remembered the first hour walk. She couldn’t believe she was having fun with her, Diamond Tiara, her filly-foe from the very first time. All those jokes, heh, she didn’t even know that Diamond Tiara could know good jokes. She told her the story with CMC, how they tried to get the cutie mark, and of course how they failed miserably. And then they were laugh together.
And suddenly she was alone. She didn’t know where Tiara went. She just took a rest in nearest pond, and when she came back again, Tiara wasn’t there. There’s a letter wrote, said “Let’s play hide and seek, friends!” She was happy to play and began to look for her, for hours.
She almost believed that she and Diamond Tiara could be a true friend. She even thought in her head to invite her to CMC, maybe be a star guest to told story how she got her cutie mark and became inspiration.
But the thought now faded away. She was confused, and she didn’t want to think anything anymore.
She began to think the worst. She was in the darkest and most mysterious forest, with all the danger may be come from anywhere. Even if nothing would harm her, she’d be death eventually for the hunger and dehydration.
Death. A little filly that hadn’t her cutie mark yet has to face the death. That poor filly maybe didn’t know what death even mean was.
She rolled over. Tears began to drop. “O Diamond Tiara. Ah-ah thought, we could be friend. O big sis, where are ya when ah need ya,” murmured Apple Bloom, just to heard by no one.
Krack.
Maybe there was one.
“Apple sauce!” swore Apple Bloom as she surprised to whatsoever made the sound.
She remained silent, hoping the sound will be made again. “Di-Diamond Tiara? Is it you?”
Krack.
Hrrr.
The ‘krack’ sound now followed by a silently growl. And it wasn’t good.
*
An orange colored infamous pony galloped along the way. She didn’t have the time to rest for a second. She had looked her little sister everywhere in Ponyville. She did look at CMC tree house, only to found Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, but not her sister. She searched at town center. She even tried to ask her every friend to help. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy went to flying competition at another country. Twilight was sick, while Rarity and Pinkie Pie out from their store and helped her just to find no result, the same as Applejack.
“Con sarn it!” Applejack at least stopped and kicked the road. The sun has down to horizon, and Princess Luna would raise the moon a few minutes later.
A red big pony appeared upon her. “Big Macintosh! Found Apple Bloom yet?”
Big Mac was panting, barely caught his breath. “Nope.”
“The hay on Ponyville that’s little filly now!” said Applejack.
Applejack then laid her body on nearest chair. “Arrgh!”
“Have-have you came to Cheerilee?” said Big Mac.
Applejack swung her hooves. “Ah have! And ya know what, Big Mac? She blurted thing, said Apple Bloom left her friend, even more threat her! Ah didn’t ever see her hush a bunny or little creatures, and now Cheerilee said she shoved a filly? What kind of lie was that?!”
“A filly? Who?”
“Huh? Who? Well, ah didn’t ask that. But how could it help us find Apple Bloom?”
“We could ask her where direction Apple Bloom left or where they separated way, if she said the right thing, it is.”
Applejack stared at him. “Ah think ya should talk more from now, Big Mac!”
*
“O hi, Applejack! Any good news?” asked Cheerilee.
“Not yet, Cheerilee. And, ah ‘m sorry for shouted, ah really worry about Apple Bloom,” said Applejack.
“It’s okay. I do understand.”
“Err, so, Cheerilee. Ya said that Apple Bloom, was, on pair to a home work, right? Then, she left that filly ya paired and such.”
“Why, yes.”
“Who’s that filly? Ah don’t mean to doubt ya or she at all, but, maybe we could ask her where Apple Bloom was left this afternoon.”
“Hmm, her name was Diamond Tiara. She said she left to her friends. I don’t know about certain friends, but because she often hanged with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, so-“
Applejack drank her tea. “Guess never heard about this Diamond Tiara. Apple Bloom lately being private about her schools day. And for Scoot and Sweetie Belle, I had come to tree house earlier. They said that she doesn’t come.”
Applejack stood. “So, where’s this Diamond Tiara’s house? I am going to ask her about mah sis.”
“Glad at least you maintain your composure, Applejack. But it is already night, and its rude to her parents to interrogate a filly you don’t even know,” said Cheerilee.
“Interrogate? That’s rich if ya said that. Ah just want to stop by and ask some questions where was Apple Bloom-“
“Applejack, let’s call it a day and we ask her tomorrow morning. You’re already worn out and-“
“Ah couldn’t care less about me anymore when mah sister is out there looking for mah help, Big Mac!” roared Applejack, instinctively held her big brother away, gripped him with all of her rest strength.
Then there was long silent.
Big Mac carefully saw her sister’s horrible condition. Her eyes were red because of tired for scanned every park and trees. Her hooves bruised. Her mane was no better as her red hair band dropped somewhere. Her muzzle blackened from the sewer.
“I-i must look for Apple Bloom. She maybe needs mah help right now. And-and ah couldn’t imagine if she, she-“
Big Mac hugged her sister tightly as her tears began to drop. She couldn’t hold her cry anymore. Cheerilee was really touched too, seeing her cry so helpless. She remembered when Applejack worked day and night to double check all of the vegetables planted right in Ponyville farm. She remembered too when Applejack took most of the part in Nightmare Mare celebration.
And she remembered too when she was a filly, helplessly cornered by some timberwolve puppies, Applejack was the brave one who dare to fight against them until adults came. She bet that there are no ponies in Ponyville except they were get Applejack’s hooves at least for once.
But now, the most honest, most kind, most dependable pony, cried like a filly, desperate for looking her beloved one.
Apples were most proud of their big family. It was not only because of the quantity, but also the invincible strong love for each other bounded them altogether, whether they were near or far.
And for Applejack herself, if there was something she could throw her life for; it must be her family member.
*
Diamond Tiara stayed awake in her bed. She just looked the ceiling. Her eyes couldn’t close and her heart beat raced too fast for a little filly like that. Her mind was full of thought about her new friend which she left in Everfree Forest. Apple Bloom image was clearly visualized in her head. She could even listen her every sound and every conversation they made there.
Apple Bloom just thought she was her friend, and Diamond Tiara herself left her alone ruined all the hope.
And maybe her life.
“Wha-what have I done?” said Diamond Tiara to herself, soaked with sweat even though Ponyville’s reached 20C that night.
She sat uncomfortably on her bed with her hooves pressed her chest. She couldn’t imagine how Apple Bloom would through the night. Even an adult had to bring at least hunting or bushing tools to survive in a wood. This was just Apple Bloom, a filly from farmer ponies. Sure she had worked out her muscle a bit, but she just a filly for Celestia’s sake, and even more in the depth of Everfree Forest!
“I-I am so mean,” said Tiara to herself with puddle of tears in her eyes. It wasn’t a long time until she buried her face to pillow while cry her heart out.
*
“So- hungry. So- thirsty. So- tired,” whispered Apple Bloom as she dropped to the ground. She just galloped from some hungry timberwolves back then. It was a miracle, if there was one, which Apple Bloom could loose from their chasing. There was energy from nowhere that drove Apple Bloom to run, hid in bushes, climbed to trees, and at least lost from the wolves’ sight.
Krack.
“Oh, not again,” said Apple Bloom. She tried to stand up, but she couldn’t feel her legs. “Arrgh,” even she couldn’t make a sound anymore.
Krack.
“Can’t- go- any- more,” whispered Apple Bloom until she lost her consciousness.
Then that creature stood near her. It crouched and checked the vein of Apple Bloom. It opened her black wardrobe and laid Apple Bloom on her back carefully. The moonlight shone those beautiful stripes as she walked Apple Bloom.
“You have through a big journey, little filly. Now sleep a while and let gone of all your worry”
===A New Friensdhip I by applebloomfan===
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Howdy y'all! This is my first fiction. I hope you guys enjoy it~
Some grammar issues, but not too bad. Also cliffhangers.
I think some fixing is in order
. I see a lot of mistakes in here. I'll try and point out a few and correct them so you can see what I mean.
My personal polisher quit a week ago.
Normally, when using the English language you don't say previous unless you currently have one, and past tense of quit is actually just quit, not quitted.
What ridiculous journey will you go on after school this time?
If I expand this contraction it becomes: "What ridiculous journey you will make after school this time?" Which is improper sentence structure when asking a question like this. What you need to do is move the will up before the subject (you). Also you can't make a journey, you can go on one.
"to learn new things, and make new friends."
Okay, first of all: "to learn much information" is not correct, it needs to be something more like:
to learn new things.
or
to understand new concepts.
Since the story is in past tense don't should be changed to didn't. To be embraced by knowledge, while technically accurate, is not a phrase you would see used a lot, and it mirrors the first part of the sentence, so it doesn't really bring a anything new to the story. You can't really "sight friendship," I will assume that you meant: "make new friends".
If you adhere to all of this it makes the sentence shorter, and easier to understand.
There are many more of these kinds of mistakes in here, which could be fixed by reading more up on the English language and gaining a better understanding for how it works. I don't mean to be harsh with these comments, just truthful
.
Edit: www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/ and www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide are both great resources when learning to write.
dat cliffhanger tho
Right there is where I didn't read this story. Fix the broken Engrish, prease.
whoa, i don't expect much comment!
3495730
3511121
sorry
3496113
oh thanks so much for critic!
i'll learn to improve my english skill somehow at chapter 2
3501777
come again to read chap 2 friend!
new chapter submitted!
let me know if i make some improvement, y'all
mistake happened
Ignoring the obvious flaws, this story has a rather sweet charm to it. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it. Nice story
Cute story so far.
I'd suggest picking up an proofreader/editor to help you smooth out issues with English not being your native language. Your overall grammar is decent enough, just your word choices and turns of phrase could use help. Getting a native speaker to help identify and fix those up would improve the flow a lot. Maybe you can find someone in the Looking for Editors group? Say use something like Google Docs and give them permission to comment, they could flag those wording issues and give alternate ways to phrase it.
Couple of other useful bits:
[hr] creates a horizontal rule. You can use that instead of the *'s. It looks like so:
Numbers that are a single word, like three or twenty-five, should be written out. Numerals should only be used for larger numbers, like 947, and then only if they aren't starting a sentence.