I've always expected a call from the Princess. Always expecting, never ready. Regardless of the circumstances, now that blood has been spilled in the streets of Canterlot, it seems that very call has arrived. It's time for an adventure; a noble quest, to find out who and why. I only hope the chase doesn't leave me broken and beaten along the road, another body in the ever growing heap, of this cruel ever-turning world where forgiveness is a thing of the past. Canterlot wearing its mask of decency as the rest of the country falls into the abyss.
Now with the help and support of my editor: Space Pony
Chapter 1-10: Edited
Chapter 11 and 12: Un-Edited
Chapters (12)
Chapters, need to be longer other that it's pretty good
Alright good to know next one I post I'll definitely make longer
Interesting start to the story, I'm looking forward to a continuation of the storyline. A Griffon in Ponyville...hmmm
3711655 Cool beans!
Out of curiosity, is English not your first language or are you just young? Either one isn't a problem, but seeing how you word your sentences I would say you need more experience in either case. Which is fine, you can use this to improve. As a writer, your first big hurtle is going to be grammar. I recommend finding someone to help edit your stories and be willing to help you improve grammatically.
3844168 Young and I am finding someone to do that for me currently. Although how bad was the grammar? Did I make it unreadable or is it only small parts of it I need to fix.
3844182 I can understand it, but there's a few places where commas are needed. There was a good amount of misused words. For instance, "I guess none needs a detective to get your problems solved". The none should be no one. It's mostly things like that.
3844441 Alright I'll look through it today and fix some of that thank you for your help
A few critiques so far. The chapters are very short. Either more detail or combining chapters would help it to flow better. There are punctuation and grammar problems which you should take a look at. Things like commas missing or in the wrong place resulting in at least one run-on sentence. Otherwise the idea behind it is pretty interesting. Work on that and you will do much better next time.
4109519 Yes the chapter length, I have been steadily working on making them longer. As for the grammar, I will take a look through to see if I can fix some of those. Thank you for your input.
Hi there! I just wanted to say, good story, though I do have one complaint I see few others not mentioning as of yet. I noticed a lack of adjectives. You did good with some scenes, such as the crime scene, but some were a little void or vague. Not too much of an issue though, I've seen worst. And even better, it has a great plot! And Pinkie with energy drinks!
4265698 Alright thank you for pointing that out my friend. I will try to be more descriptive.
I would post this story in looking for editors, your grammar needs a lot of polishing. The basic story looks pretty good, as I said before.
This. Is. BRILLIANT! :)
4541735
I got an editor now!
4556166
Why thank you!
Hey guys chapter 6 and 7 have been edited if you all wanna take a look.
Yay, new chapter!
Holy crap, I just saw this, I named a character in That Vagaries of Fate Enigma as well. I had totally forgotten this when I wrote it!
5506126 Wow! Funny how things like that work right!