Apple Bloom knocked on the door of the Library and was answered with an eager "Come in!" from the other side. The door was encased in a slight purple glow as Twilight used her magic to open the portal for her visitor and Apple Bloom walked into the main room as the door closed gently behind her. Twilight was standing in front of one of the bookshelves, a swarm of books swirling around her head like a halo of sorts as she continuing her bi-weekly scheduled rearranging.
"Howdy, Twilight!" Apple Bloom called out.
"Hello, Apple Bloom. What brings you to the library today?" Twilight asked kindly.
"I need yer help with some research fer a school paper." Apple Bloom answered.
The books levitating around Twilight's head stopped mid-swirl and Twilight's face broke into a huge surprised smile. "You want to use the library for actual research?"
"Eeyup!" Apple Bloom answered.
The books floating in mid-air quickly rearranged themselves onto the bookshelves as Twilight gave a little dance of glee. Apple Bloom could swear that Twilight was on the verge of tears, before the lavender unicorn managed to pull herself together.
"Sorry, I just don't hear that very often," Twilight gushed, dabbing at her eyes. "I would love to help you with your school project. What's the subject?"
Apple Bloom beamed at Twilight, eager for her help. "The birds an' the bees!" she said proudly.
Twilight's right eye twitched a bit. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly," she stated.
"You know! The birds an' the bees. Miss Cheerilee says it's that time of year an' we're s'posed to write a paper on it." Apple Bloom responded.
"Wow, I didn't expect Cheerilee to be so progressive in choosing her curriculum," Twilight mused. "Still, she's absolutely correct, late spring to early summer does mark the height of the estrous cycle. Let me get a few things, and we'll start the lesson."
Twilight levitated over a mobile blackboard and some chalk. "We may want this for the diagrams." Twilight's gaze flitted over the shelves and a hoofful of books lifted off and settled themselves into a neat stack near the blackboard. "Reference materials," Twilight explained. Once everything was assembled to her satisfaction, Twilight turned back to Apple Bloom.
"I'm presuming that your assignment is intended to focus only on the basics, and not err...technique as well." Twilight said.
Apple Bloom just shrugged, she had no idea what technique would have to do with anything, unless Twilight might be planning to talk about flight differences between insects and birds. Apple Bloom began to wonder if she had made the right choice to come here if Twilight was going to go off on one of her tangents.
Seeing Apple Bloom's shrug, Twilight said, "Of course you are, nopony would be silly enough to give an assignment on techniques." A little sigh escaped Twilight, "Though certain ponies might do with a little proper education. Some ponies *cough* Thunderlane *cough* wouldn't know what to do with a well-developed plot if you tied a bow around it and presented it on a platter."
Twilight stopped short, blushing, realizing she had been speaking out loud. "Eheheh...sorry. So, back to basics!" she said, giving Apple Bloom a sheepish grin. Apple Bloom gave a little grin back.
Twilight cleared her throat and started her lecture. "It's a point of trivia, but Princess Celestia is somewhat responsible for birth rates as the estrous cycle is tied to the photoperiod." Seeing Apple Bloom's uncomprehending expression, Twilight said, "Never mind, I don't think your classmates would care about that either."
Twilight levitated open a couple of the books, quickly scanning the contents to confirm her own data.
"The typical estrous cycle lasts approximately 21 days on average, during which the estrus or follicular phase is the proper time for conception," Twilight began. "Once fertilized, the oocyte will remain in the oviduct for nearly six days before descending to the uterus. The embryo will become 'fixed' at about 16 days and become a fetus after about 5 to 6 weeks. The entire period of gestation is approximately 11 months on average, or 340 days to be a bit more precise. During the final three months of the gestation period is when about sixty percent of fetal growth occurs. And after all of that time, do you know what miracle happens?" Twilight inquired, looking at Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom tried to blink to make her eyes unglaze. "Erhm...Honey?" Apple Bloom guessed.
"Honey? Seriously?" Twilight deadpanned.
"It seemed the right answer if bees were involved." Apple Bloom replied a little sheepishly.
"I was really hoping I didn't have to reduce this discussion to schoolyard terms," Twilight grumbled. "However, if we must, should I start with the part about putting the Wee-wee into the Hoo-haa?" Twilight levitated a piece of chalk to the blackboard and started to draw out a somewhat graphic example.
Apple Bloom started to laugh. "Them are some of the funniest names I ever heard. Are those different types of birds or somethin'?"
Twilight started to retort, but then a cold realization crept along her spine and she stopped sketching. "Wait, are you saying your project is about bees bees? And actual birds?" Twilight's face started to color with a fierce blush.
"That's right, jus' like I told ya when I got here." Apple Bloom answered. She looked at the blackboard. "Oh hay, is that a picture of you an' Thunderlane? Is that some sort of dance?"
"Oh, no, I..." Twilight stammered. "Well, I...I think perhaps I misunderstood. Let's just forget about all of this, shall we?" Twilight levitated an eraser and quickly erased her crude drawing.
"If you say so, Twilight. I was gonna talk to Applejack 'bout it anyway. Thanks fer the help," Apple Bloom answered.
"Anytime," Twilight managed. "Oh, and you won't say anything to anypony about this Thunderlane business, will you?"
Apple Bloom looked back up at Twilight with a slightly sly grin. "I'm sure we can come to an arrangement."
Twilight gulped. "I could do your next math homework for you?"
Apple Bloom's grin just grew a bit wider.
"Two days of homework?" Twilight countered. Getting no response, Twilight begged, "OK, all the rest of this week? But you have to Pinkie promise not to tell anypony!"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" Apple Bloom recited. "It's a deal! Thanks again, Twilight." Apple Bloom then turned and opened the door to the Library and headed outside.
Twilight used her magic to close the door behind Apple Bloom, then slumped down to the floor. "Next time, just give out a book." Twilight admonished herself.
I started reading with a big grin on my face
... but totally lost it at
I lost it at Thunderlane.
Wait, Twilight actually caught the miscommunication? TWILIGHT of all ponies? TWILIGHT?
TWILIGHT?
Laughing my ass off.
3536795
And she made photos! Naughty, naughty mare
Twilight and Thunderlane? Just how desperate is she?
Sounds like Thunderlane isn't quite the stud he thinks he is.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA....Twilight would be one to over analyze what other ponies had asked about, Thunderlane and Twilight huh? That's rare, I like it NEXT!!!
3536815
Any port in a storm.
I bet Princess Celestia would be very "informative" to the CMC about the birds and the bees.
Heh, I like that Twilight managed to actually piece together what was going on.
Best chapter yet!
Oh gods, this was hilarious! Loved that Twilight actually tried explaining it, only to realize what they were actually doing.
You killed it. Applebloom would I've been scared. Twilight would never catch that D:
Oh well, next chapter here we come.
Pictures huh....
Oh Twi, you naughty mare... I always thought you were sheltered...
3537316
It's always the nerdy ones...
By the eight this is HAILAROUS!
Thundelane! You lucky son-of-a-nag!
I just lost it there
This is where my neighbors came by and asked me to keep it down because I was laughing so hard. Keep it up, this is freakin' gold.
I wonder why folks are surprised when Twilight comes up with a realization? She was a decent enough detective during the whole MMM incident. She's got a pretty analytical mind.
Next chapter, they go to Hugh Jelly, friendly neighborhood pedophile. He's more than happy to teach them all about the birds and the bees. He'll even give some a hooves-on demonstrations!
I've always found it dubious that ponies would go through an estrous cycle around the same time every year like real horses do. Wouldn't that sort of thing infer that, like, everypony would have a birthday around the same time since everypony's parents had sex around the same time? And wouldn't that make Pinkie's statements about knowing everybody's birthday and having them be all over the year be impossible? I dunno, it's always been a niggling little detail to me. >_>
I just keep imagining the look on Twilight's face and then the thought,"Oh... Shit..."
Crap, for a second I thought she was going to be angry about all the bees, but then I remembered that was from the other story with the same title.. Damn it, maybe I shouldn't have read that last night... because now I'm all cunfoozid
"Oh, hay, is that a picture of you an' Thunderlane? Is that some sort of dance?"
Yes, dear. It's called the mattress mambo.
I love your style of sexy humor. Keep this up.
3538800 I know he isn't a bad dude I'm talking about why Twilight is ultra lusting on Thunderlane.
3536798 It is a scientific mind that more easily allows one to abandon initial assumptions and reassess based on observed evidence. In theory.
Misunderstandings are the best building blocks for a story.
Wee wee in the hoo haa? XD I've never heard hoo haa used like that.
Not that I've ever heard the term hoo haa.
Twilight, where are you going with this?
3538192 i like to imagine heat is more personal. Mares go through it individually depending on their body. much like a human woman menstration they don't all have it at the same time, it varies from person to person
Someone should really warn these girls that it's no fun learning about this stuff until you actually have to go through it.
3536802
Is it well developed, wrapped in a bow, and presented on a platter?
3536811
I've heard someone's been... naughty...
derpicdn.net/img/2012/12/24/191966/large.png
3540070
Technically, everyone's been through this.
3540061
That sort of interpretation I'm fine with and I've seen it used in other stories. Except in this case, then, Twilight wouldn't have misunderstood when Applebloom told her Cheerilee said it was "That time of year." Furthermore, Twilight wouldn't have gone on to say that such a thing takes place in late spring/early summer. That's a very specific, generalized time of year.
3540105
Not everyone, just the ones who are heading into puberty. Or digging up bee hives.
3543457 He's talking about everyone who has been conceived has gone through the process. ...And guess what? Everyone has been conceived.
Twilight got it!!!
Why isn't she running to her friends, warning them that they maybe misunderstand the term the little fillies are talking about?
Why?!?!?!
Twilight to the rescue!!!
Dragon
Darn. Apple Bloom managed to penetrate the lecture fugue before the really traumatizing stuff could hit. Oh well, there's still her sister.
Actually, you'd think Bloom would already know about this stuff, growing up on a farm. While I imagine the cows and sheep would prefer some privacy, there are always the pigs.
...that might actually explain the extortion. Playing dumb, eh? Awfully crafty...
In any case, looking forward to more.
3536916
I thought Twilight was the port in this metaphor.
*Table flip* YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE THIS, APPLEBLOOM! YOUR LIFE SHALL BE SCARRED FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!
great, great... and did I already say it? no? great story!
Twilight... Why show a draw out a demistration on the chalkboard using YOURSELF?
Wee-Wee and Hoo-Haa INC: Creating Miracles Since the Dawn of Sexual Reproduction
3537341 It's true. Nerdy ones are the fun ones.
Looks like Apple Bloom didn't get traumatized and broke Twilight for a moment.
Now I'm picturing Apple Bloom in the Gendo pose and grinning at Twilight.
Funny and well done as the others. I just love this so much. I didn't expect Twilight to realize it...and I didn't expect THUNDERLANE
Is it me or is Twilight done perfectly?