We Are Your Enemies!

Once upon a time, in a place very far away, there was a colt named Caramel. He was tall, and lanky, and a bit round from all of the fat and non-exercise he did because he ate too much sweets and was always tired. He lived in a small town where unusual things seemed to happen every other day. For example: his mother died in a fire. Anyway, Caramel had tons of enemies in the town. The ponies that he used to think like him didn’t like him anymore because he had changed and ponies don’t like change because it’s really hard to pay with at the counter while there’s a super-duper long line behind you. He used to be a really successful business colt named Gold Bit but he decided ‘Hey this is boring’ so he quit and now he works as a hobo named Caramel because that is his name now since he changed it.

Some of his friends saw him always hanging out by the Circle K and begging for change, and they thought that they didn’t like him anymore because he smelled bad and was ugly now so they said “You’re our enemy now!” and Caramel was all like “Oh no I have no friend but I have tons of enemies!” Caramel lives day to the next off of the change he gets begging from strangers outside the local McGriffin’s, but sometimes he… When he gets enough money, he goes to buy things from the local shopping center call ‘FoodsCo’ but he can only buy things when they are on sale so he only buys things when they are on sale because he doesn’t have very much money. It really sucks not having enough money but Caramel doesn’t so he can only buy things that are on sale because they’re cheaper.

Sometimes things go really on sale and he has enough change to buy things like hay when they go on sale but the ponies in the line behind him are still really mad because the hay is still kind of expenisve and Hobo Caramel is still paying for it all in change. Caramel always feels sad when he buys hay because everypony in the line says “We are your enemies and we don’t like you” so then Caramel goes and sleeps outside in his box and cries himself to sleep. It’s actually really sad, and sometimes strangers wish they could give him a hug but he’s really smelly and kind of fat somehow so they don’t want to touch him because he’s relay really icky. Instead they just toss buckets of water to clean him off but it only make him cry more so they think he’s ungrateful and become his enemies. Caramel has loads of enemies.

When he buys the hay, he takes it to the local Kfh and asks them, “Can you please cook this hay for me” and then they do it because they’re his enemies and they spit in his food. Yucky. Today was the most rainiest, cloudiest, sadest, windiest, and stormiest of days because the pegasi hated him and were his enemies too and they wanted him to feel really, really bad. Caramel heard his stomach rumble in hunger and decided that he needed to eat so he picked up all of his change and headed over to ‘FoodCo’ to buy stuff because he knew they had a sale every weekend and it was Saturday so they must be having a sale. When he went inside there were no ponies or baskets and he thought this was weird, but he just figured that maybe they gave most of the employees the day off and it was a slow day.

He say that the bread was on sale and went to go buy it, but then a big, fat, sweaty colt ran up to him and smacked him in the face. He said, “No, that not for you!” and then he took away the sale sign and the bread went back up to one-hundred million bits. This is all set in the future, so that’s normal for the future. Caramel made a face like D: and then he said “But if you don’t give that to me, then I will strve” and the fat colt laughter so hard that his fat started bouncing up and down. Then one of Caramel’s enemies died and he felt himself getting angry (That’s what happens when one of his enemie’s dies) and he punched the colt so hard that his fat fell off and jiggled on the floor. The colt was so angry that he started to cry hyper-realistic blood and then the lights went out so fast that Caramel knew he was going to be horribly murdered. A black mist came out of the cereal boxes and the hay bacon flew everywhere, pancake mixed splattered all over the counters freezers were freezing at lower temperatures than normal and freezing the frozen pizzas too much so that they were all frosty and crunchy.

Caramel ran really far away to that isle of the market that always has tons of ponies and is always filled with all of the yummy sweets and crisps. Yum! There were like 20, no wait, 35 five monster there. They all had black eyes that cried tears and blood and scratchy skin that looked like hay bacon but was actually dead ponies skin. He screamed “FAT GUY HELP!” but when the fat colt camer he said “You punched my fat and now you will pay from this curse I summoned… I am you’re eneme!” and then the fat colt ran away and hid in the freezer from the monsters but he forgot that it froze too cold so he died of freezing.

Caramel ran outside and when nearly out when he tripped on something. He looked down and saw that it was one of his enemies and he said “Please, hlep me, the pancakes are too string!” And then he said “No I am Caramel, you were Gold Bits friend, not mind ugly” and he ran out the front door. He was safe. He’d survived the horrors. He was tall and proud, and smelled nice, and pretty, and awesome. He was CARAMEL. But then he went backside for the bread but he forgot about the monsters. The monster came out of between the slices and said “We are you’re enemies Gold Bit” and Caramel said “How do you know my old name” and then he just fell down on the floor crying and the monster started eating him. Before he died his last words were, “We are your enemies GOLD BIT” and he just feel down on the floor but before he died, he said “I am all your enemies… I will now be a super market monster!” and then he died. So just remember the next time you’re in the supermarket… Caramel is waiting. (But in the future since it’s the future, remember?)

Twilight blinked several times as she looked at the piece of paper before her. The hastily scribbled hoof writing on the page stood out like a blaring red beacon in the night. She sat for several more minutes as she tried to find the right words to say. Oh… I don’t want to be offensive, but I also have to tell her the truth. What are you going to do about this, Twilight? Decisions, decisions… Twilight finally set the story on the desk in front of her and turned around to see Pinkie Pie’s overly-enthusiastic smile. It almost looked as if she were begging Twilight to offer her criticism of her work.

“Well? What’d ya think? Wasn’t it super amazing? I spent like three hours just writing that out!” Pinkie hopped up and down in place as she smiled at Twilight. “Come on, Twilight! Tell me what you think already!”

“Uh… Well… Pinkie? How long did you take to actually plan this out? Did you just free write the whole thing?”

Pinkie’s whole head practically bobbed up and down as she nodded. “Yeah! I didn’t have time to get an editor or anything. I was just so excited to write this idea. It’s really scary, isn’t it? All that wasted food…” Pinkie shivered and stopped bouncing and hugged herself closely. “That’s why I decided to show it to you! You’re super smart, and I figured that you could just fix it right up for me, since we’re best friends and all.” Pinkie fluttered her eyelashes, giving Twilight a pleading look. “Come on, you can tell me what you think. I won’t be angry or sad.”

Twilight tapped her hoof against her chin in thought and thought about the best way to give her opinion to her friend. After a moment of hesitation, Twilight decided that it would just be better to tell Pinkie the truth straight up instead of sugar coating it. Maybe somepony else would eventually read the story and see the same problems that Twilight had. I doubt they’ll be as polite or cordial about it as I will. Might as well save her the trouble of finding out that the story is terrible later in a much harsher way. Twilight sighed deeply and put her hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. She forced Pinkie down on the floor and held her in place so that she could look into her eyes.

“Pinkie. I don’t want you to be mad at me, but I’m not going to just treat you like a filly and go easy on you. That story was… it was really bad, Pinkie. I know you like to talk and that your stream of consciousness ramblings can take a hold of you sometimes, but that was just overboard. Every other sentence was a run-on sentence. There were a lot of grammatical and spelling errors as well, and none of the story really had substance. Things just happened at a breakneck pace that would probably make Rainbow jealous. I mean, why did Caramel just decide to be a hobo? If he was a successful bussinesscolt, you’d think he’d want to keep being successful.”

“Well I kinda just wrote it in a rush. I wanted to make something special for the Nightmare Night season, and I thought you and the girls might like it! I know some of you are writing horror stories yourself and I thought it might be really fun to join in. As for using Caramel? I saw him walking home from the marketplace the other day and he was really smelly, but I didn’t want to be mean so I just went home and then I got this idea!” Pinkie shifted her gaze towards the floor and shuffled on her hind hooves. “I mean… Caramel’s a good sport, so I don’t think he’d mind.”

“Hold on. You made it about Caramel because he smelled bad? Pinkie, Caramel’s not a hobo. He just does hard labor all day. Of course he’d smell bad if he hadn’t had the chance to take a shower yet. And why would he sleep next to the Circle K? That’s where all of the drug deals and midnight stabbings happen! Nopony would sleep there! Caramel wouldn’t do any of the things in this story! Just…” Twilight rubbed her temples and handed the story back to Pinkie. She grunted as she felt a small pressure develop in the back of her head, the feeling of something being pressed against her skull growing in strength. “Urgh… This story is giving me a headache, Pinkie.”

Pinkie began to hop up and down in the air again. She cheered and whistled, which only served to worsen Twilight’s increasing headache. “That’s great!”

Twilight’s grimace turned into an expression of complete confusion. “Great? But Pinkie, that story was horrible. It’s so bad, that it’s causing me actual pain! How could that be good?”

Pinkie just smiled and grabbed the paper. She hopped over to the door and opened it, preparing to leave. “Thanks for taking a look, Twilight! I just wanted to see if it would work! You don’t think I’d seriously write something like that, do you? I’m not stupid, silly! Anyway, I’m just gonna go show this to Rarity. Seeya later, Twi!” Pinkie hopped out the door and began to make her way down the street.

Twilight was too stunned to even move from her position. The dull pain in the back of her head grew even stronger. Pinkie used me as a guinea pig for one of her pranks again. And I fell for it. Again. Twilight facehooved and watched as Pinkie knocked on the door to the Carousel Boutique, giggling to herself. Well, Rarity’s going to have a great time with that one. She’s a real stickler for grammar and storyline. With that, Twilight closed the library door and went upstair to take a nap.

Somewhere across the street, a pony could be heard vomiting vigorously.

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