• Member Since 14th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 14 hours ago

Einhander


Just an old school hybrid spaceship/pony writing some stories.

E
Source

Cranky had a plan to make Matilda's Hearts and Hooves Day the best day of her life. Instead, he's in jail for (allegedly) running over Pinkie Pie with his cart.

This is his story.

A last minute entry for the Outside/Insight Equestria Daily Contest.... in which it placed 7th!

Edited by Dash the Stampede

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 60 )

If he's in jail, I bet he has gotten raped by a 300 pound ass pirate named Bufort.

Is There Any Chance For A Quick Update On Chapter 5 Of Stronger? :pinkiehappy:

holy shit the comments here are cancer Ein

Anyways, this was a fun little story, though I felt it didn't play as much with the concept of the contest as the other entries did. Still, there need to be more stories about Cranky, and this is a very decent one.

4859994

Yeah, It started out being more of a tour of all the crimes of ponies against donkey kind, then it became more of a gift of the magji / UP sort of thing.

4858011
After that he died gruesomely as the pirate tore his ass open and then Matilda moved on to marry a handsome stallion named Greg and pinkie's death was finally avenged oh and everyone danced at cranky's funeral the end.

4862305 *Tears in eye* Best....story ever told.

Hey author is there any reason why you chose to make this? other then write a fanfic where cranky murders pinkie how nice hey while you are at it have grunkle stan murder mabel sorry wrong show. *sits on accordion* :trollestia:

I love the idea of Pinkie the Lawyer. Probably the only lawyer worth a darn in all the world.

Oh Pinkie out helping your friends on that day instead of finding yourself a date so selfless...

Okay, I admit to tearing up a bit

Well thought, well written, and interesting.

Everypony, as it were, knew what Cranky was planning. I found it unnecessary to bury that lead for so long, and then Matilda said she knew what was going on which acknowledged it being so obvious which made it all okay in terms of story flow.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story.

Excuse my brevity, this comment is from my phone.

4858011
4859457
4862305
4863050
Seriously?


On topic, great story. I really enjoy Cranky in this. His voice ties everything together pretty well. I noticed a few places I'd have made style changes, but really, this is a good story.

4864914 I had to. The joke was perfectly set up.

4865926
That's not even a joke unless you're twelve years old and think prison rape is ipso facto funny. Einhander's a public defender, so I imagine he's even less likely to tolerate this shit than I am. In any case, please try to be less aggressively awful in your future comments.

4866475 Eh, calm down homes. I could have made a worse, darker joke.

4866487
I think you're overestimating my emotional investment in this. Have a relevant blog post.

4866648 Than why didn't you stop. This could have been avoided if you never posted that comment.

Cranky had a plan to make Matilda's Hearts and Hooves Day the best day of her life. Instead, he's in jail for running over Pinkie Pie with his cart. This is his story.

Now I have to read this... :rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

4866749
4866648
Bandit's comment doesn't relate to the story, at all.
The comment is crass and, quite honestly, disgusting.
Rape isn't a joke, I don't care what you may think is funny or clever there certain things that just shouldn't be joked about.

Commie, thanks for that link. More people need to read that.

This was a great story that made me laugh. :pinkiehappy:
The comments sections, not so much. :pinkiesick:

4870529 I'm glad I made you question humanity! :pinkiehappy:

Aww! Cranky was wonderfully, well, cranky throughout the whole story, and his grumpy, cynical, donkey's-eye view of the pony society was very amusing. And grouchy or not, his love of Matilda is just adorable! :pinkiehappy:

4866487

You could've put your dick in a blender and hit the power switch, too. What's your point? :rainbowwild:

4872217 I would have put some spices in there, but it's your dick.

4872233

That makes as much sense as anything else you're saying. :raritywink:

Oh, Cranky. :heart:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Matilda loves Bon Bon's Bon Bon's. I love bourbon. Love is about compromise.

One of the best lines I've read this whole contest. Also that Caramel's mom made his police hat. :D I hope you get an editor on this tout suite (and change it to complete!), because outside some easily fixed errors, this is fantastic.

4899535 ack! It was always complete! Fixed.

I always thought some of Cranky's misery he brought on himself, this confirms it. :twistnerd: As for the content, I think this says it nicely:

Congratulations on being one of the top ten! :twilightsmile:

Privilege is such utter bull, in RL and everywhere else.
No such thing.
Simply things that happen with a majority populace, that is all.
Besides that little (actually enormous) immersion breaking, story's well enough.

4966256 Yes, priviledge is pointless. Especially since I was born.

Upon the advent of my birth, all other life on the planet was instantaneously obsolete!

:trollestia:

4866475 *Alondro ventures into the 'mature' fics colloquially known as 'clop'...* I dunno, seems like rape is pretty darn popular! :facehoof:

4977833 *Alondro shall soon complete his army of Ponyleks to exterminate all other life forms and rule the universe as THE SUPREME BEEEEEE-IIIIINNNNGGGGSSSSS!!! :pinkiecrazy:

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/198/974/bec.png

:trollestia:

4978140:heart: All should support this great endeavour, bravo

heh :pinkiehappy::scootangel::pinkiecrazy:

"And this is the Tartarus that is my life."

Laughed out loud at this line, because it brings to mind Sisyphus. Bad things happen over and over again. Sort of like if it was not for my bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

Matilda thinks she's sweet. Matilda, hon, I love you but Pinkie isn't sweet, she's in dire need of medication.

:rainbowlaugh:

Loved the story, great job!

This is his story.

I'm ashamed that it took me list long to get around to reading this thing, but it was certainly worthy the wait. That was pure Cranky :pinkiehappy:

I didn't put it together until like five minutes ago, but it's for the same day, same house, and two completely different plans. I can't do gentle rainstorm AND beautiful sunset.

Technically, she can. It's called a sunshower, it happens in real life (though not often), and considering that Cranky only ordered gentle rain over his house (I assume), it should be doable, if a bit tricky.

Hilarious.

Some communication would have straightened these poor folks' day right out. Matilda's precautions would have done more good than comedic harm, Cranky wouldn't have spent so much time being hilariously angry at Pinkie, Pinkie wouldn't have suffered that satisfying injury (I still hate S4;E18, and that she keeps canonically referring to Twilight and Spike's welcome party as just Twilight's)...and Caramel wouldn't have been wearing that stupid hat.

Puzzled as to why this has a dark tag, other than that, was a pleasant read.

4966256

Simply things that happen with a majority populace, that is all.

There's a word for that. 'Privilege'. :raritywink:

I'm faving this one, primarily because Cranky's voice is so utterly perfect. You'd know it was him even if he was never named or described. Props too for the way you wrote his, er, difficult relationship with Pinkie. As others have said, a little editing would be handy in places. But it's basically great, and the ending was so satisfying, too.

4869075
You know cranky is a fucker who deserves to die right? or do you hate pinkie? pick one either be with the earth pony or be with the jackass you cant have both.

4988941
Whatever this story is pointless this author should feel ashamed they just hate pinkie. Why else was this written its a hatefic and also telling someone they need to be medicated is wrong its not funny people have been forced to be medicated because of how they acted.

Comment posted by Drifting Heart deleted Nov 4th, 2014

4904682
YES YES YES THIS! everythign that happens ot cranky is because hes an asshole and deserves it seriously fuck that donkey death to him!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!