When Dark Touches Light

Nightmare Bloom (a night guard for Princess Luna) looked into the stallion's eyes she had for a date but didn't even know it. Later when called by Princess Luna he was revealed. He wanted to take her to the hundredth Grand Galloping Gala. His name was-

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Tomsketchit

Tomsketchit #1 · Sep 5th, 2013 · 2 · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

I don't know. It seems to be a sweet story, but it's just moving along a little too quickly. I mean, you're just sort of jumping from one thing to the next...
I'm interested to see where this is going, but slow down a little, please.

LoyaltoRainbowDash

LoyaltoRainbowDash #2 · Sep 5th, 2013 · 1 · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

I have to agree with Tomsketchit. The story seems quite rushed.

MyLittleChangeling

MyLittleChangeling #3 · Sep 5th, 2013 · · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

Midnight Blossom is adorable buuuuuut ... it's quite stiff. Loosen up a little! I'm looking forward to reading the rest, though

venomouspancake

venomouspancake #4 · Sep 5th, 2013 · · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

I agree with the others its good but a little rushed

pendrake72

pendrake72 #5 · Sep 5th, 2013 · · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

@MysteriousFlutterDash...

First off, if you are going to use the artwork and OCs (Midnight Blossom & Cloud Skipper) of the talented DeviantArt(ist) Equestria-Prevails, you should at the very least, credit him for it. If you want to really be respectful of the artist, you should inform him of your use of his works and OCs.

I also agree with most others here, the story feels rushed and lacking. You need to go back and do some serious descriptive writing work. One of the major factors in having a good Romantic story (or almost any story, really) is to be descriptive. Additionally with a first-person story, you need to be particularly in-depth with the protagonist's thoughts and feelings. What is it about Cloud Skipper that Midnight Blossom finds attractive? Why does she feel like it is love at first sight? And a number of other descriptive factors that are missing to make the reader invest interest in the story. Right now, you have characters standing on-stage saying lines and stating their feelings as if reading from their scripts for the first time.

I will hold off on a Dislike for now, but you need a serious literary overhaul for your fan-fiction.

thewaffler

thewaffler #6 · Sep 6th, 2013 · 1 · · Preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala ·

It's a tad rushed, we barely know anything about our protagonists, but there aren't enough royal guard ship fics out there and I'm curious on where the story goes. My advice is just slow it down and let the readers get a chance to know the main characters.