A Change in Fate

Perteks

Perteks #1 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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Erm shouldn't be this prologue, or this one of those who start on end story ?

SilentNight

SilentNight #2 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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3012103

*facepalm* I KNEW there was something I messed up at!

*corrects error*

DreamWings

DreamWings #3 · Aug 9th, 2013 · 2 · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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Alright a few pointers for your first story.

Firstly, welcome to the site, it's good to meet you.
Secondly, consider changing the length of your description and making it less of a story in itself. You need it short and sweet, like a blurb, and it needs to exactly explain what the story is about.

Some grammar and spelling issues spotted:

it's head-- this is not an 'it is' so does not need an apostrophe.

Repetition of the word 'as'--

'started' becomes 'start'-- different tenses.

shielding himself more from the sunlight.-- Think about your syntax and compare it to the tone of the rest of the story.

One of the two rulers of Equestria - Princess Celestia: Goddess being with power over the sunlight and one of the two last Pure Alicorns in existence. -- With capital letters think if they are proper nouns or the start of a sentence.

shinning sun. -- 'shining' I believe you want to say. Check out for errors like this throughout, or hire an editor to look for you.

no longer concerned dangerous -- Wording errors. Though the words you want may sound alike, flaws like this are simple to make.

mainly make home -- Tense issue. Think about what is in the past, present and future.

Due to this, his first priority -- No comma's needed.

as it moved farther off from the hill top-- 'farther' doesn't sound right, and 'off' also sounds peculiar with the tone. Consider revising wording.

to deep-- 'too'.

the dimly light forest.-- Tense issue. 'Lighted' or the slang term 'lit' is needed.

as a mean to get right to work.-- 'as a means to get to work'

He had made it habit for him -- verb needs something. Maybe an 'a' as a friend.

Easily able to look with his eyes used to the dark-- Consider revising sentences like this.

He finished his notes down as begins to move deeper into the woods to find a suitable spot to make camp.-- Repetition and missing words.

slowly walked in cautiously to -- verb feels conflicted between two of his adverbial (made-up word) friends. NOTE: Never use the word adverbial, copyright SourAppleCrumble .

withing-- Mistakes are easy to make and easily rectified.

in his own approval -- I don't think I've ever been 'in' my own approval, but I'd like to try.

Walking over to each corner of the "room" as he marked a line in the dirt with his hoof for each location he had something planned for.-- Left the original subject of the line and didn't return to it.

Now for the supplies." He muttered as he walked back out-- Put speech on separate line to narration.

master piece", -- One word.

Your- You're as in you are.

Her instead of he.

These are not all of them and I would consider getting a pre-reader or editor in your next chapters. This is good advice for every writer entering the site and doesn't just apply to you alone. You'll find plenty of groups that offer support to new writers and will link you to people who can do these specific jobs.

On the whole the plot and characterization seems fine but I think I'd have to read the next few chapters to see if that carries on. Just make sure the characterization remains consistent throughout the rest of the story, 'kay?

Consider also splitting the prologue from the Flashback on the same page. They're two separate things.

Hope this helps.

Your friendly neighbourhood, DreamWings and SourAppleCrumble.

SilentNight

SilentNight #4 · Aug 10th, 2013 · · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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3017789

Thank you for the help, I'm starting to get along with the correction and help this moment.

Doom Trot

Doom Trot #5 · Aug 10th, 2013 · · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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I like it. As 3017789 pointed out, there exist a substantial amount of technical errors. That's fine. The technical stuff just takes practice. You do, however, have a strong start with Sylen as a character. You've already created a likable character that readers can sympathize with (or that I can sympathize with, at least). Brush up on the technical stuff and then keep this up. I love changeling narratives.

SilentNight

SilentNight #6 · Aug 10th, 2013 · 1 · · Day Zero: Mission Log ·

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3020240

I haven't even gotten deeper into him and you like him already? Thank you so much! T-T

I'll work hard to make the first chapter once the prologue edits are done. I'm now more motivated then ever to make this as close to amazing as in my head! XD

Doom Trot