An Irish girl who reads, writes, reviews, and occasionally draws. Don't worry though. My hair isn't black, my eyes aren't blue, and I'm not from Galway, so you won't be losing your heart to me.
Princess Luna is diagnosed with a terminal illness that only afflicts alicorns. Princess Celestia is determined to save her sister, but determination only goes so far. Telling nopony, she embarks on a mission to find a cure.
Note: On hiatus because I realised I was shit at writing sad. I may or may not return to it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I don't know why this has so many downvotes. It's competently written and there are no grammar errors. Maybe it's Luna fans.
That said, I think you rushed things a bit at the end. Even with Luna's life at stake I'm not sure Celestia would run off without telling anyone, and if she's so worried why not bring in Twilight to help out. Or at least drop her a note leaving her in charge while Celestia goes on an adventure.
But overall I liked it and I want to read more.
2874217
Could it be, that they actually used the downvote button as a medium to show their personal tastes and not the quality of the literature?
*Edit*
I picked up no Grammar or Spelling mistakes either, Although the plot does need a few tweaks in my opinion, just to make it a bit more realistic, for example, instead of having the cause as Magic Loss, you could make Magic Loss a symptom of a highly evolved Virus or a Super Bug, Maybe even a parasite, just my opinion, Also, I feel as if the story could have gone on for longer in this chapter, And as Scipio said, Celestia wouldn't have just ran off, probably would have sent Twilight and her friends, Or even had Twilight step in as Princess while she left.
In all, Needs some elbow grease to get it going, other than that, Keep typing.
From~ An Asshole without love
2874267
Generally when a story has seven downvotes to one upvote on its first day it's a sign of hilariously unreadable pap. I've never seen a story this competently executed get downvoted bombed like this.
2874434
Not the first time for me, Some people just downvote because it's already been downvoted, Though that is probably not the cause for all of them, Could be just trolls
2874217 Thanks for the feedback. Constructive criticism is always appreciated!
I won't downvote it, but I would point out three issues:
1) Celestia comes off as OOC. I think given canon portrayal she would act more levelheaded than to rush off alone.
2) There is a lot of telling as opposed to showing. Not everything should be shown, but there is art in showing the important and telling the unimportant. So many things are glossed over, however, that it's very hard to get into the flow of the story.
3) Related to (2) is pacing. So much has happened in this short chapter that could have been so much more.
great story, hope you make more chapters in the meantime!
I'm sorry to have to write this, but it feels almost as though you are doing your plot and premise a disservice. I love the idea behind this, but you aren't doing it justice at the moment. Mostly, this is the fact that you have a slightly fumbling grasp of the characterisation. I hope you don't mind, I'm going to go through some of the instances I noticed:
You admit yourself that this is a rather childish action for Celestia. Not to mention the fact that she could just teleport out of the forest as we saw her do in Lesson Zero.
Again, your own second paragraph states how out of character the first paragraph is for the ponies of Equestria. It just threw me out of the story. They should be more worried than angry.
This is more personal, but I think Twilight would more likely get angry than cry if someone started insulting Celestia, given how much she thinks of her. Plus where are her friends when these dumbasses are ripping into Twily? Spike is there but apparently says nothing at all.
I'm sorry if this sounded harsh, it wasn't meant to be, but it feels like you need to get a clearer handle on the characterisation of these characters in order for your story to reach its full potential.
2880779
Again, appreciating the constructive criticism. But a lot of the times you pointed out were meant to be that way.
Celestia isn't thinking straight at all, which is why she didn't think to teleport out. It's the same reason why she didn't illuminate her horn sooner.
The colts are meant to be jerks, they're targeting her so they have an excuse to bully someone, and not meant to represent the citizens of Equestria.
Twilight was crying because the colts were insulting her, not because of what they said to Celestia. She was pretty confident in Celestia's ability to handle the situation.
The only instance you pointed out that was a genuine cock up was the fact that no one helped. I'll edit and remedy that later.
Sorry if I sound like I can't take criticism, but just stating the facts. And yes, I do suck horribly at characterisation.
2880779
I fixed the problem where no one helped her. Thanks for pointing that out, it was a pretty stupid mistake considering the show's premise is friendship.
I like it keep up the good work
how long will it be on hold
3301617 Until I pull my head out of my ass and learn how to keep characters in character
3309245 WELL!!!!!!!!! how long will that be