Barnyard Bargains: A Documentary

by Grazy Polomare

The Sale

It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining in all its glory, dazzling the flowers with its yellow glow. The birds were chirping another merry tune. Life was going by as it had always gone by. Ponyville shines. Another day is perfect. And everything is going to be just-

“Doomed,” Flam stood outside the doors of Barnyard Bargains, his mustache groomed and wafted at the ends. It was still rather early, and already his confidence had been reduced to a mere smidgen of what it was before.

He made a furtive glance to the camerapony at his right, who had not spoken a word since their unanticipated ambush from the bushes.

Flam was dressed in his striped shirt, his hat and tie having been sold a long time ago with the rest of his belongings. Taking a deep breath, the unicorn stepped in.

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Interview: Outside Barnyard Bargains

“Am I nervous?” Flam repeated the question, an awkward smile plastered on his face. “Of course I’m not nervous! I’ve been hired silly! I got the job...”

A sudden look of dread takes over. “At least…for now I have a jo-job.”

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“Flam, Berry,” Sparkler read out the names, “as you all know, Barnyard Bargains has closed down another branch.”

The two salesponies let their jaws fall to the floor. “Again?”

“Yes,” Sparkler repeated, an irritable look on her face. “The one in Canterlot. Now Filthy hasn’t laid out the details, but we might close down another branch by the end of this month.”

“Well it isn’t going to be us?” Berry Punch spoke out, her tone sounding like she was stating a fact.

“Not entirely,” Sparkler corrected, “no branch is excluded. The only thing we can rely on is sales.”

“But we’re what started this whole company!” Berry shouted, her voice on the verge of hysteria. “Filthy Rich would never close down-“

“Now Berry,” Sparkler narrowed her eyes, “you know just as well as I do that times have been tough for us. I’ve had to fire five ponies in the last month or so and I’ve only hired one salespony."

All eyes turned to regard Flam as if he was somehow responsible for the company’s downfall. The gangly stallion merely winced at Berry Punch's reprimanding irises, seeking shelter behind his desk.

Sparkler continued with her lecture, pulling down a list of products with various deals tied to them. Next to these products was a chart, the arrow a narrow stream zigzagging its way downhill.

“These are the sales for the month. Right now, we’re having a sale on brooms. Hayckler and Kosh brooms are going for a 2 for 1 sale. You all know what that means right?”

Berry rolled her eyes, puffing her mane as she studied one of the motivational posters across the office. Flam was sweating like a pig, twiddling his hooves.

“Flam?” Sparkler called out her newest employee. “You understand today’s deal right?”

“Brooms, 2 for 1,” Flam repeated, “got it!”

“Alrighty then,” Sparkler pulled back at the list, which flicked back into the ceiling. “We open in two minutes, get those uniforms on and start selling.”

After a quick salute, both cider-loving equines headed towards the closet at the far end. Inside, there were several racks of cotton tweed dresses and regular overalls.

As Sparkler had so well stated in her meeting, customers responded better to a pony in traditional attire. Although Flam-who had traveled around the country-had never seen anypony dressed in such a ridiculous getup.

After donning his own set of blue overalls and a straw hat, he was about to head towards the door when he heard a grunt.

“Flam,” Berry Punch cried out, her tone sounding a bit constrained, “can you like…help me in this?”

“Why certainly…” Flam froze, his hoof trying to cover his mouth. But it was a vain attempt at courtesy.

“BWAHAHAHAHA!” Flam fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. Berry Punch was trying to squeeze her body through a thin green dress, her mane tied in pigtails.

“Real mature dimwit,” Berry Punch sighed. Whether they were Manehattan dockworkers or Ponyville salesponies, stallions were jerks.

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As it turned out, Barnyard Bargains wasn’t as understaffed as Flam had anticipated. One worker ran the cashier line, which was guarded by a local rent-a-cop.

The morning was fairly busy, most of the shoppers running down the isles to snatch a few trinkets and depart the store without so much as squeaking a goodbye.

But it was business, and Flam didn’t mind the fact that nopony was all too concerned with the sale. After all, who needed a broom at this time of day? As if to broadcast the company's desperation, there was a giant piece of canvas hanging over the front that read.

SUPER SALE!
HK Brooms and Broomhandles 2 FOR 1!
Get your broom on today!

It was corny, but it was a message nonetheless. Flam was content with his spot in isle 5, leaning on a stack of sheets while he watched customers frolic to and fro about the store, content with their various purchases.

His eyelids began to grow heavy, the side-effects of going on a drinking binge the night before. He decided that a nap would do him some good. After all, the mattress in his home might as well have been a pile of plywood.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

“Well with a job,” Flam began, “I’ve been able to rent out a space up in the tavern and I’ve already begun utilizing my benefits. Water! Errr...drinking! Heater! Ummm...laundry! And umm...did I mention drinking?”

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The next thing he saw was the inquisitive pig-tails of his accomplice in crime. With a gasp and a jolt, Flam was back on his hooves, only inches away from Berry Punch’s flaring nostrils.

“Were you seriously sleeping?”

“Well I-“

“Flam,” Berry Punch sounded like she was reprimanding a teenager. “If you don’t make a sale, you don’t get commission. Corporate is paying us a lousy amount for base pay anyhow. If I were you, I’d get to selling some brooms. I already made two sales!”

This was enough to elicit a scowl from Flam. If a mare could beat him in sales, then what’s next? Before he could be stopped, the stallion had already taken off around the corner.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains.

“So I lied about making the sale,” Berry Punch admitted, although her tone was anything but apologetic. “and I really don’t care. It’s not fair that I have to stand up there in this getup while Mr. Easyhooves takes naptime. We need to sell brooms, and besides…I do much better selling dustpans.”

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Sparkler was currently gazing at the scroll before her. It was yet another report from corporate, giving the updates on how they were doing. Apparently, Canterlot’s most popular were demanding the headquarters of Barnyard Bargains to be shut down for its demoralizing attire and hillbilly goods.

Even if they followed through and Canterlot was closed down, the sad news was that there would still need to be one branch left to take the fall. Canterlot was a major source of income, and with its passing, the company would need to drop yet another store to stay afloat.

Secretly, Sparkler prayed Filthy wouldn’t abandon his hometown, but she knew her own words were true. Only sales would save them from being forced off the plank of an already sinking ship.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

“Am I scared about this news?” Sparkler repeated. “No way! Well….maybe a little.”

Silence.

“Okay maybe a lot,” Sparkler admitted, “but the problem is that Equestria is evolving. We can’t stay afloat with a name like Barnyard Bargains! With the emergence of the Crystal Empire, most ponies want to look ahead to a glittering future. Our name sounds like we do work for hillbillies and cowcolts!”

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Target spotted, Flam snickered from around the corner. He was finally going to land himself a sale on brooms. The consumer in question was an old brown stallion, his green top hat having seen better days as the scraggly grey beard hung onto his bloated chin.

Walking at a brisk, but respectable pace, the beige colored unicorn confronted the stallion with a bright smile, his hooves pointing at a stack of rather unremarkable wooden brooms.

“I see you heard of our sale, good sir,” Flam replied in his singsong voice.

The old colt chuckled. “Yeah, Ah' ‘eard it alright. But Ah’m just browsin’ young colt. So if ya’ll excuse me-“

I can’t lose this sale! Flam thought desperately, shoving his own body in front of the customer’s path. “Are you sure you don’t want a broom?”

“Quite sure,” the old horse replied irritably, “Ah’ve already got one at home. Ah' was just going to browse by yer garden department so if ya’ll excuse-“

“But sir,” Flam gestured to the fine wood polish. “These are some of the most exceptional brooms this side of Equestria! Look at that wooden finish!”

For a moment, the two of them stared at the broom handle with about as much curiosity as a filly watching a snail slowly make its way across the sandbox. The stallion grunted dismissively, proceeding with his steady trot before Flam once again blocked his path.

“Now what’s this about!?” The stallion croaked, “Ah’m a gardener for seed’s sake! Ain’t got no need for another broom, ain’t got no need for a second broom. Besides, everypony knows that Broomger brands are just over-hyped hogwash!”

“But look at those fine brushes,” Flam pointed out. “Made with real hay! None of that fake stuff from the East I can assure you. And since you’re a gardener, you use brooms like bakers use eggs. Eventually, you’re going to beat ‘em to death and they become trash!!”

“Ah' don’t use brooms to plant begonias!” the stallion bellowed. “Who ever told ya' that is a fool!”

“What if I told you,” Flam said in a rather solemn, serious tone, “that all the brooms currently owned by Ponyville gardeners were flimsy, and would break after only a few more uses?”

“Ah’d call ya' a liar,” the stallion stated with a humph. “Mah' broom has lasted me the better part of ten years thank yer' very much!”

“All the more likely you’ll end up in an accident,” Flam whispered.

It was as if he had pulled a knife on the stallion, whose eyes widened. “Yer’ kiddin’ right?”

“Nope,” Flam assured, “a broom in use for five years or more could be suffering from…broomitis”

“Broom-itis?” the earth pony repeated, “what in the hay is that?”

“I’m glad you brought that up,” Flam smiled, “Broomitis is a serious affliction where the broom is placed under so much pressure that eventually…it blows up!”

“What?” The stallion's eyes widened.

“Believe me,” Flam nodded. “Broomitis is not something to joke about. We could be dealing with some serious consequences if you used your old broom right now. And judging by your looks sir, you’re not the kind of colt who can be taken by surprise.”

“Darn right Ah' am,” the gardener agreed, “but how can Ah' be sure that-even with this deal-those brooms won’t get broomitis as well?”

“And that’s where you’re wrong!” Flam proclaimed, “These brooms, for the sale of 2 for 1, are not just exceptional brooms, but durable brooms! Brooms that will easily outlast ten years and still act as good as new! Broomger brands are known for being immune to broomitis! On top of that, you will always have two brooms instead of one. Sir, I’m saving not just your bits, but your life!”

“Well…” the gardener’s eyes flicked from the rack of brooms to Flam’s bright shiny teeth. It was as if he was going through some inner debate on whether or not to believe the salespony’s pitch.

Meanwhile, Flam was crossing his own hooves, praying that his spiel would bestow upon him a 5% commission he could use to buy back the boombox his brother had installed in the Super Cider Squeezy 6000.

“Ya' got yer’self a deal,” the stallion held his hoof out for Flam to shake. The salespony jubilantly obliged, allowing the gardener to search through his saddlebags to fine the appropriate amount.

“I’ll just ring this up for you at the counter sir,” Flam gestured to the front. “You take yourself two brooms and tell your friends that the World-Famous Flam from Sales sent you here!”

“Will do!” The stallion waved back, two brooms already strapped onto his flank. “Thanks partner!”

“Anytime!” Flam waved back.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

Flam is practically beaming at the camera, his hoof tossing the bag of bits in the air. "Boombox! Here comes Flammy!”

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“Paying for the old stallion,” Flam held the bag of bits with his magic. The cashier merely regarded the salespony with a sigh, before taking the bag in her own hooves, spilling the contents over the counter.

“Let’s see…” she began to count off the bits. Flam was practically giddy with himself. His first day and he was already selling brooms like a champ. Pretty soon, he’d be CEO of this company and then-“

“Excuse me sir,” Shoeshine nudged the dreaming stallion. “Where’s the rest of it?”

Flam tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“The bits,” she said in an exasperated tone, “there’s only enough here to cover one of the brooms.”

“But it’s a 2 for 1 deal!” Flam replied incredulously, “Don’t tell me Sparky was lying?”

The mare facehoofed herself, muttering something about newbies and stupidity. “The 2 for 1 deal is for Hayckler and Kosh brooms. Broomger is another line of brooms entirely.”

“How do you know it was a Broomger?” Flam asked anxiously.

“HK brooms are made with plastic,” Shoeshine stated flatly. “And you better pay up or get your friend to return those brooms.”

Discord might as well have brought a chocolate tsunami on Flam’s livelihood. The stallion was just frozen, unable to move. The only thing that was moving was his eyes, which were expanding to the size of saucers.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

“Broomger?” Sparkler repeated. “Broomger makes genuine, antique brooms. Usually they’re made with mahogany or cherry wood. The hay itself is artificially made in Saddle Arabia. But nopony ever buys it. It’s too expensive and rather flimsy too. We occasionally get deals in Canterlot for showponies who need a prop, but really, those things are as fragile as tissue paper.”

Sparkler dips her quill in ink once more as she continues to write another report. However, as if the realization hit her, she turned back up.

"You said Flam sold two of them?”

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Mr. Greenhooves was happily trotting down the street to his cozy cottage. He would be picking up some supplies, getting rid of his old broom, and placing his new brooms to the test. He hadn’t had two brooms in years, but that salespony said these would be the last two brooms he’d ever need.

“Why,” Greenhooves smiled, “it even sounds like he’s right behind me!”

The statement took a second to sink in as Greenhooves froze, arching his head to spot the very same salespony dashing down the street to catch up to him.

“Wait!” Flam yelled, braking right in front of the bewildered customer. “Sir I need those brooms back!”

“What?” Greenhooves was taken aback. “Ah' thought ya' just sold ‘em to me!”

“Yes,” Flam’s horn glowed green as he held out the bag of bits. “But I need those brooms back pronto! There’s been a terrible mistake.”

“But you said I could have them for the price of one?”

“Correction,” Flam panted, “you need to buy both brooms to keep them! It’s the plastic Hayckler and Kosh that’s on sale now!”

“HK?” Greenhooves shook his head. “HK is even worse then Broomger! Ah' own an HK for crying out loud!”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Flam grappled onto one of the broom handles, “but I apologize and if you’d like, I can have you keep one broom if you let me keep the bits.”

“NO!” Greenhooves latched onto the other side of the fine mahogany. “Ah' listened to your little spiel, flipper-snapper. And this broom is MINE!”

“NO!” Flam growled, “it’s not! Just give it to me and-“

“Hogwash,” Greenhooves howled, “Ah' ain’t givin’ nothin' to some two bit salespony who can’t tell two brooms apart!”

Several ponies had stopped in their tracks to view the scuffle. Two stallions, one very old and one very tall, were in a match of tug-of-war with a broom. Immediately, ponies had dropped whatever bags or baskets they had brought with them, congregating to the scene of the fight.

“Give me the broom!” Flam cried out.

“NO!” Greenhooves yanked back. “IT’S MINE!”

“It was never yours to keep!” Flam retorted, “you only paid for one broom!”

Greenhooves gave another pull back, nearly dragging the salescolt with him. But Flam sunk his teeth into the wood, gripping on with exceptional ferocity. He wasn’t going to let this wooden stick be the end of his career.

“You promised me it was free!” Green hooves tugged harder. “If it isn’t then you ought to pay for it!”

“Come on you old nag!” Flam sneered, eliciting several gasps from the onlookers. “I’m not going to let some old hermit be the end of the world famous Flam!”

The wood was starting to break, tiny chunks flying out in all directions as the seller and buyer continued in their relentless struggle.

“I…hrghh…am not….hrghh…going…hrghh…to return it!” Greenhoves could feel his own hooves grow weak.

“YES…hrghh…YOU…hrghh…ARE!” Flam could feel the broom give way, and only continued to pull harder.

SNAP!

The crowd gasped as the two opponents flew off in opposite directions, the broom soaring high into the air. Greenhooves' landing was cushioned by a group of mares, the old colt only suffering a minor scratch. Flam, on the other hoof, collided with a carrot wagon, sending wood, string, and orange chunks into the air.

But despite his harsh collision, the stallion was relatively uninjured. No, the true crime was the broom itself, which now rested in the grass, the handle split into two jagged edges.

“Some broom,” Greenhooves grumbled, tossing his other wooden appliance to the disoriented colt while he picked up his bag of bits.

Meanwhile, a certain yellow-coated mare had her hooves over her head, crying out hysterically. “MY CARROTS! MY CARRRRAAAAAOOOOOOOOTTTSSS!!!”

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Interview: Ponyville Square

Flam's straw hat was now bent at and odd angle, his overalls covered with dirt and bright orange chunks of freshly cut carrot. "So I might lose my job today."

Reaching into his overalls, he produced a bright orange carrot. "But hey, free food right?"

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Two hours later.

If Flam had thought he’d seen Sparkler in a bad mood, then he was clearly mistaken. The mare was livid. She was no longer constrained to her desk, her hooves moving back and forth as she stared down her latest employee with a seething glare.

But what was the point? He had blown it again, and was probably going to be out of a job before he even got started. If only his ego didn’t dwarf his brain!

“I give you one job FLAM! ONE JOB! And now I have a customer complaint? And on top of that a smashed carrot cart?”

“Well you see,” Flam began before the unicorn cut him off.

“Also,” Sparkler chided, “you broke a broom, so good on you for that. It’s yours now. Consider it a thank you. I took the liberty of deducting it from your paycheck.”

“Wait,” Flam held his hoof out, “You’re not firing me?”

"Firing you?” Sparkler repeated quizzically. “Flam, a good manager doesn’t just fire on the spot for screwing up. Despite what may have happened, you still sold a broom I frankly didn’t believe could be sold, and that’s enough reason to keep you on board.”

Flam breathed a sigh of relief, no longer bothered at the outcome. “I have to say-“

“But let this happen again,” Sparkler held her hoof out, “and I swear--!”

Without as much as a goodbye, the colt dashed out of the office, leaving the oak door sliding on its hinges. Sparkler merely watched him go, before settling down on her own chair with a smug smile.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

"What does a leader want from her subordinates?" Sparkler asked thoughtfully, "is it to be loved? Or is it to be feared? Well...in all honesty...for me at least...I just want one day where nothing bad happens."

She stares at the camera for a considerable amount of time. "I mean really? Is it so hard to ask?"

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Interview: Flam residence/b]

"I don't...really know what to say. I mean I guess what I should say is that I'm fortunate." Flam smiled, pulling out a letter. "My dear brother wrote this. Says he's coming to town. I may not be able to forgive him for what he did...but..."

His frown suddenly morphed into a mischievous smile. "I think it's time we got into the Broom Business!"

Author's Note:

And that's that.

As for the ending, up to you.

Comments

[arcum42]

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[TheBBofC]

This story is hilarious and I can't wait to see more. Are you going to update it?