Barnyard Bargains: A Documentary

by Grazy Polomare

The Interview

Flam was speechless. It wasn't a feeling he was used to, nor was it one he had ever really come to know in his line of work. The unicorn before him was frozen, seemingly unsure of what to do. She wanted to reach down to the tiny red panic button on her desk, but her hoof was hesitant.

Somehow, despite the rather disheveled appearance, the stallion didn't look insane. Although she had heard about stallions who looked perfectly normal and were still insane.

"...Who let you in here?" The unicorn asked in a measured tone.

"I-I..." Flam stammered, unable to answer. He was still traumatized, his entire life shattering before his very eyes.

"Can you speak?" The unicorn asked flatly, her eyes unamused.

"Yes," Flam finally stated, "As a matter of fact I can speak. Flam's my name, and sales are my game!"

"It was as if he had just kicked a puppy in the room as the unicorn's eyes narrowed to slits. "You're joking right?"

"Nope," Flam tried to sound upbeat, despite the fact that he looked like he had been living in the Everfree Forest for ten years.

"You may refer to me as Ms. Star," the mare replied in a cool, measured tone. "Amethyst Star and the manager of this little establishment."

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

"So my name is Amethyst Star," the pink unicorn chirped eagerly, "or you can call me Sparkler. Most of my friends do, some kind of nickname-"

Her face twists into a grin as she lets out a snort of laughter. "-but not entirely accurate in my opinion. I'm the manager here at Barnyard Bargains: Ponyville. Been in this job for well over a year now. And let me tell you, I'm happy to see Rich finally let you guys film a documentary here..."

Her smile turns into a frown, her eyes regarding the camerapony with a cynical expression. "...even though I don't see the profit in making a reality segment about superstore employers."
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"Well Ms.-" Flam happily took a seat.

"Don't, please just don't sit down," Sparkler interjected, motioning to his rather filthy rump. Despite the amount of pressure, panic, embarrassment, and dread that permeated from the former salespony, Flam was performing admirably. He still smiled and his teeth were spotless.

"You see," Sparkler reached over to pick up the quill with her hoof, "when I want to see a pony come in for an interview...I don't expect to see Hobo Joe leaving mud clumps over all this nice carpet."

"Well you see..." Flam began before his voice trailed off. After all, what could he say? That the best traveling salespony had been duped by a simpleton? No, it would degrade his reputation to cinders. At that point, he was only showing his weakness as a consumer. He needed to play the part of the shark, albeit a very dirty...mismanaged shark.

"I see...what?" Sparkler's eyes lazily glanced at the clock over Flam's frazzled red hair. She wanted to keep track of how long she could tolerate this.

"...I was fighting a bear see," Flam soon felt himself elaborating the entire story in his mind. "And I was attacked on my way here-"

"A bear?" Sparkler chuckled. "You were out in the Everfree before you came here? Didn't think to wash up by Fluttershy's cottage or even get medical attention?"

"Well..." Flam was starting to perspire. "I-I didn't want to miss out...on such an opportunity..."

Sparkler was silent, observing the stallion with that same soporific expression that made him feel like everything he said had no meaning. It was as if his story was about as interesting as the dull oak surface of her desk, or the fact that the majority of the desks and doors in this building were made out of oak.

"Actually," Flam gave a small sigh, "I was...well...robbed see. A bunch of ruffians, ambushed me on my way here. Left me penniless on the road."

"You didn't think about going to the police?" Sparkler raised a brow.

"I-I was scared..." Flam admitted, "I...thought they were a pair of diamond dogs. You know...jewel thieves."

Sparkler's eyes widened. "Jewel thieves in Ponyville? Oh no..."

Her eyes furtively glanced at the three brilliant cut diamonds on her flank. "Oh what were they like?"

"Terrible," Flam described, his voice filled with contempt. "Twelve hoof high, with claws as sharp as dinner knives. Their fur was rotting in all sorts of places, and their breath literally wilted flowers!"

"Oh how brave of you," Sparkler gasped, "surely that filly was thankful no doubt that you were there to rescue her."

"Oh," Flam chuckled, "I only do my best to ensure safety in the community ma'am. You might even say I'm after Mare Do Well's job!"

"I thought you were ambushed?" Sparkler inquired sarcastically. "You're saying this wasn't the case?"

Flam was once again stupefied into an awkward silence.

"Well I-I-I," he stammered.

"Flam, cut the flimflam and talk business," Sparkler bluntly stated, her eyes narrowing to slits. "Did you really think I'd forget a face like yours?"

The salespony was now backing towards the door, the sweat now leaving tiny droplets on the nice felt carpet. "I-I have one of those faces you know?"

"No I wouldn't forget a face like yours," Sparkler continued, "how could anypony here forget the world famous Flim Flam brothers? Traveling salesponies nonpareil? The very same brothers who came in their shiny locomotive?"

"Well I-" Flam was slowly growing red.

"And who also tried to seize control of Sweet Apple Acres, which happens to be the home of the Element of Honesty?"

"Now I wouldn't-" Flam tried to defened before being cut off.

"And," Sparkler smiled, "how do I put it bluntly? The very same brothers who tried to poison me with that hogwash they called cider?"

"Alright!" Flam held his hooves out, not wanting to hear any more. "Alright. I will admit that we did have a little mishap in the past, but I will not stand here, listening to my cider being patronized as some revolting liquid to chug down your pitiful throat. Our cider met the demands of quantity without losing quality! And even if our precious means of locomotion now stands in a land fill outside of Ponyville, I will not let its legacy be tarnished from some two-cent manager at a backyard store!"

For a moment, the two just stood there, eyeing each other like old hens bickering over a nest. Only the steady ticking of the clock overhead echoed throughout the room. Sparkler seemed unfazed by the sudden outburst. In fact, she seemed to be bored, as if Flam was the one lecturing her on etiquette.

After what seemed like a good few minutes, the stallion stood up. "You know what, I don't even need this job. I could find plenty of other opportunities out there-"

"You're hired."

The way she had said it was so monotone that Flam had to lean in closer to hear it again. "Excuse me?"

Sparkler gave a tender smile. "You're hired."

Flam was once again speechless, unable to fathom whether this unicorn was crazy or just insane. "But after I-"

"Let's just say, "Sparkler interrupted, "that I've dealt with my fair share of jerks and braggarts to last a lifetime. But if I've learned anything, it's that you got to give them a second chance."

Flam's eyes widened to saucers, his body growing rigid as his heart seemed to throb in his chest. He couldn't believe it. He looked around him, taking in every detail like it was his own old locomotive. "I-I-"

Sparkler had to giggle at the stallions behavior. "Now don't-OAAAAF"

Flam lifted the mare off her hooves, locking her in a bear hug. His grip wasn't that strong, but it was enough to squeeze the air out of her lungs.

"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU! You've made a smart decision today mare! And one that you'll be tenfold in!"

"Okay okay," Sparkler chuckled lightly, "but can you please...hrghhh...let me go?"

Flam carefully set his new boss back down on her grey swivel chair, a gigantic smile still spreading from cheek to cheek. He now had a job, with an income and everything.

"Before you get all giddy however," Sparkler announced, "we need to set some grounds here."

"Alright," Flam nodded.

"First," Sparkler levitated the quill, dipping it in the inkwell. "You'll be paid minimum wage, that will already be deduced with a 10% tax reduction. The rest of your payment comes from commission. 5% of all products you sell goes back to you."

"Seems fair," Flam agreed.

"Second," the quill was moving down the parchment like a chipmunk at acorn season. And this was her third page. "You make sales from 8 am to 5 pm, unless we have an emergency..."

"Wouldn't have had it any other way," Flam grinned.

"Finally," Sparkler locked eyes with the lanky salespony. "I like my coffee with lots of cream, no sugar. And remember, you're not just selling cider anymore."

"Do we have a deal?" Flam raised his hoof.

Sparkler pulled out a tall stack of papers, before dropping it with a resounding thump. "Sign the paperwork and we have a deal..."

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Berry Punch was leaning on the water cooler, sipping at the disposable paper cups that the company restocked on Fridays. Flam had been in the office for a considerable amount of time, causing the mare to grow bored as time went on.

At last, however, the door swung open and Flam was trotting out...with a smile on his face! Berry Punch had to pinch herself, but none the less put on a smile and walked up to the beaming stallion.

"How'd you do?" Berry Punch asked...a hint of apprehension in her tone.

"Let's just say I look forward to working with you," Flam smiled, a snide...almost malicious smile. It was the kind of smile you gave a co-worker when you knew you had an advantage on them.

But the two simply continued to stare each other down with their fake grins and their upbeat personalities. Sparkler, who now had her saddlebags strapped over, was observing the whole scene, her body halfway out the door.

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

"Am I looking forward to working with Berry Punch?" Flam repeated the question facetiously. "Let's just say that I've been making a list of all the ponies who have crossed me and my brother."

His horn began to glow green as he lifted a tiny sheet of binder paper. "Number one on the list. That pegasus from the junkyard. And as for number two...Berry Punch."

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"Out of curiosity Sparkler," Berry Punch finally turned to face her boss. "Why did you hire Flam?"

Sparkler simply raised a brow, as if Berry Punch had just asked one of the dumbest questions one could possibly ask two minutes before closing time.

"Let's see," Sparkler began sarcastically, "his reputation shows he's an excellent salespony. He's got several years of experience in the field, and despite his unkempt appearance, he can talk. I can clean a pony up with a bath, but I can't teach a pony to sell me a bath."

With that, the mare indicated for the camerapony to follow her outside. "We're going to need to discuss this whole documentary thing..."

Sparkler vanished around the door, leaving the two salesponies alone... in an office filled with lethal staplers and scissors.

"Well I suppose we're on the same field," Berry Punch chuckled.

"Yep," Flam nodded, "quite right there, Ms. Punch."

"Mhmmm," Berry Punch moved towards the water cooler, plucking one of the cheap disposable water cups from the trash before thrusting it against the blue lever. A steady stream of clear water began to pour into the cylinder, while Berry Punch merely continued to focus on Flam.

"A little tradition I've come up with," she pulled the cup back, handing it to Flam. "Drink the cup from thy trash and be welcomed to thy kingdom."

Flam regarded the cup distastefully, trying to push it back. But Berry Punch wasn't taking "no" for an answer. She shoved the cup back to him playfully.

"I suppose...it's only fair," Flam lifted the cup to his mouth, the grey liquid flowing down his throat.

"We're going to be great friends Flam," Berry Punch smiled, throwing her hoof over the unicorn's disheveled coat. Flam tossed the empty cup back into the trash, wrapping his hoof around Berry Punch's own back.

"Oh we certainly will."

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Interview: Barnyard Bargains

"Why did I hire Flam?" Sparkler pondered on this thought for a minute or two. "Well Twilight is always teaching us about love and tolerance right?"

The unicorn lets out a light guffaw before her smile flattened down to her regular...tired expression. "Sure I could have rejected Flam's offer. Taken his interview personally and simply tossed him back into the streets. He did after all nearly poison me and countless others with that so-called magical cider."

At that moment, Sparkler gives a mischievous smile, her eyes locking with the camera. "There's a saying: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Fire Flam, and he finds work with my rival. Hire Flam, and relish in the profits he will bring to the table. Sure I'd have settled for the full package, but I got 50%, or 80% if Flam was telling the truth. The way I see it, my decision wasn't personal...it was just business. And when you have the enemy under your hoof, oh will it that be the perfect form of revenge."

She then slowly hold her hoof out, "So Flam...I certainly look forward to working with you!"

Author's Note:

I'm going to take away the italics and just replace them with bold titles indicating an interview is taking place. Let me know how this works!

Comments are always appreciated! So please do not hesitate with those words people!

I want to see what you guys think, and how this is going to progress.