Hinata's Adventure in Equestria

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Grey Warden

Grey Warden #1 · Jul 1st, 2013 · · · 2 First Day in Ponyville, Part 1 ·

this has a chance but needs to be rewritten majorly!!!! also make hinatas cutie mark either the mark on her jacket or her clans symbol.

FurryBrony

FurryBrony #2 · Jul 1st, 2013 · · · 2 First Day in Ponyville, Part 1 ·

2803537
I thank you for your comment. I will rewrite it, if that is the common consensus. Do you have any suggestions for what I could change for the rewrite?

Grey Warden

Grey Warden #3 · Jul 1st, 2013 · · · 2 First Day in Ponyville, Part 1 ·

2803557 well in the first chapter I think you should change it so instead of summary of what happens after her death make the first chapter start with her having a heart to heart talk with the women in charge of her group of genin and that conversation would end with her saying how everything would be all right and how when she wakes up everything will be better. then hinata dies and she can wake up in the womb and think about where she is and maybe what's this touching me? which would be twilight and the end of the first chapter would go maybe her seeing herself in a mirror being held with her new sister and her going "what"?
also make her being born first of the set so she can have like a protective sister instinct. and I think the next chapter or 2 should focus on hinata's new child hound like her getting her cutie mark which I think she should get at a young age maybe 4 or 5. it could be like the kids are at home while the parents are going out and a burglar could break in and beat shining armor but before he can kill him hinata steps in and does 64 palms " or hooves" which would be awesome and have her standing on her back legs and be all cool looking and this can be when she does the eye power thing for the first time and sees how it now works.
and then it could end with royal guard being their and how they think armor was the one to caught him and that would be how he got into the royal guard academy. and maybe he say what really happened and he talks with hinata and she tells him a little about her past but before she goes into great detail he will stop her saying he doesnt care and how will always love her.
also have her remember her past life because that could be a major developing point for her and how her new parents and family is so much nicer/different than her old one and I think thats enough for now so if you need anymore advice just text and if you want maybe pre reader?

FurryBrony

FurryBrony #4 · Jul 1st, 2013 · · · 2 First Day in Ponyville, Part 1 ·

2804191
That was good advice, but could you edit the comment into paragraphs, instead of one huge wall of text? it would make it easier to read. But those sound like good ideas.

Grey Warden