When Flame Runner, loses her wings and moves away from Cloudsdale all the way to Manehatten to find adventure. She comes upon a brochure to Equestria's Finest and is accepted in. But will all the prim and proper ponies there accept her?
First story on the web...Beware.
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A for the concept
D for the execution
@Qos41 Thank you for your honosty, I just started writing stories as you can see and they might not be that good.
Grammar mistakes here and there but it's good for an OC first person fic
This is going so fast
Your pace is set to mach 5 or something?
The ending really makes the story worth the read
Oh luna...
I've seen paragraghs longer than this
This would have done fine if you put the next chapter with it
Btw there is a reply button
Thumbs down for a couple reasons.
1) Ponymaker image: You have a picture of a unicorn who loses her wings and is now an Earth Pony. I'm sorry, how does that work again? Losing your wings would not make her automatically an Earth Pony any more than losing your legs would make you a midget. A bird without it's wings is still a bird, same for a pegasus. The only difference is they can't fly.
2) Paragraphs under 500 words. Typically 1000 words is the minimum I'd consider a paragraph, you've done half that. There's no reason for this either. You could have combined two or more into one paragraph and there wouldn't have been a problem. Making short paragraphs will turn a lot of people off.
3) You're moving way too quick. There's no plot development. Stuff just happens. Slow it down.
4) The story is complete. You're not going to get a lot of views on this for that particular reason. Even the best stories need to space things out. Just throwing everything together at once means that once it's off the main page, it's going to be ignored.
2662114
>paragraph
you mean chapter.
Again, thank you all for your honosty, I really apreciate it. I try to incoraprate these tips into my next story.
2663380
Mea culpa. It felt like a paragraph considering how short it was.