The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever

by InvertedInflux

The Most Fabulously Flamboyant Chapter Ever

Hello Mr. Wind, how are you today?

Oh? What's that?

You managed to blow some little filly off her feet and deposit her in a huge pit?

That's great news!

Oh, she cried too?

Excellent!

Me? Oh, nothing. Just enjoying the view from up here. Would have been great if you had taken me down to see the filly. Pissed I miss that; it's okay though, I understand.

It's hard to control the direction of which you blow. At least you have some degree of movement, though: I have absolutely none whatsoever.

…

…

What the fuck am I doing?

***

I have to say that talking to the Wind is a lot better than talking to a Leaf. I mean, we were having a huge banter session when that dick decide to fuck off. How selfish. Just fluttered down to some forest path. I hope he gets trampled on many times.

It was then that I realised that the Wind was a lot more fun to talk to.

It was also then that I realised I am practically insane, talking to these things. Bet Discord is proud.

Remember when I stayed at home doing nothing except internet?

Yeah I know right: those feels hit hard.

Heck, being a pony is better than being a blade of grass. At least then I could actually move and stuff.

I'm not even going to go on about genitalia again. Just leave it, I'm too depressed.

It was fun to begin with: swooping over unsuspecting ponies, yelling profanities and various insults. Not sure if they could hear me but nevertheless, it was a satisfying experience.

And then the Wind was like “nope” and whisked me away again. I wish it could just let me drop. It's been like... a week? Just flying around in fucking circles doing nothing. I can't even see the ground as I'm too high up.

I've been shouting for most of the time. I have no idea how I can speak, as I have no vocal cords, but I guess that has prevented me from getting a sore throat. Which is a nice bonus.

Oh no, it looks as if it's about to rain. Actually wait, that could prove useful.

It's pouring now and I'm getting bombarded by water.

Go on, HIT ME!

Yes! I'm coming down bitches!

Some huge drop of water collided with me and now we're both falling down. Hopefully some other gust of wind doesn't take me.

I've just had a terrible thought: What would it feel like if someone cuts me in two?

Holy.

Zap!

Just landed on the wet forest floor with a typical “Zap”. At least I think I did. That was the last thing I saw before I landed; I'm now face down and can't move nor look up.

Well, now what?

Also, the rain is pelting my back, beating me into the ground.

Have mercy – I'm a blade of grass you stupid clouds.

Wait, are those hoofsteps I hear?

“Somebody help! Save m– ”

Yeah. Whoever the hell that was just stepped on me. Apart from me being crushed into the ground, I think I'm now stuck on their hoof.

Hate. Life.

“Oi! Slow down and look at your hoof!”

No response.

Don't push me, Mystery Pony. I'm not in the mood.

“PRICK! CHECK YOUR HOOF!”

I don't think they can hear me through all this rain. Either that or he/she is a proper flankhole.

Did I actually just say that?

No, I thought it. Still, what the fuck is wrong with me? Stupid horse language.

Another terrible thought: Don't horses eat grass?

Fuck.

Ah wait no, that's regular horses. These ponies eat at restaurants and stuff.

Why? Because they fucking can. That's why.

“CHECK YOUR HOOF YOU TWAT!”

Come to think of it: I haven't eaten in ages. What does grass even eat anyway?

Oh Biology, please come aid me. Anyone aid me really.

Okay, this is the last time I'm going to ask. If the pony doesn't respond I am definitely condemning her to the depths of hell when I get home. I'm gonna get a knife or gun or nuke, and blow her up.

Wait, did I just say “her”? Twice?

No, I'm not sexist. I said that because there's clearly a higher proportion of females to males in this stupid place.

They're sexist, not me.

Also, a male would never do something this cruel to me. Stamping on grass is the greatest of sins.

Oh and before anyone asks Discord is a transsexual so he doesn't count as male.

Right, now back to my last throw of the dice.

“THERE'S DOGSHIT ON YOUR HOOF! CHECK IT BRO!”

Nothing.

Well I guess being horses, they don't care. They wallow in that sort of thing back on Earth.

***

I'm burning every patch of grass when I finally escape. Seriously, I hate it that much now.

Hopefully, most of Equestria will be on the grass when I torch it all. I don't even mean Pinkie Pie now. Discord is at the top of my list of things to kill. Oh and when he's a smouldering wreck I will decapitate him, stuff the head, and put it on my wall.

Ooh! Ooh! And then I'll bring the rest of him to Biology class and we can all dissect him.

Right...

Yeah, so the Mystery Pony stopped and made a small fire in a cave. Now's the time to see if she was just ignoring me or was just being a complete bender.

“Hey, umm, can you get me off your hoof!” I ask casually.

No, no, no don't get up: You're going to squish me again argghh –

“Who goes there? Reveal yourself to the Great and Powerful Tr – ”

Yeah, no need to go any further. We all know who that is. Let's hope she's in a good mood.

“I'm a human/grass hybrid. And I'm on the bottom of your hoof. Don't hurt me.”

“Trixie does not follow, Mystery Voice. Explain, now!”

I wish I could make some witty response but I'm in no position to do so. Definitely do not want to be snapped in half.

“Okay. I'm a human. Brought to Equestria. 7th Element shit. Turned into pony by Celestia. Maimed by a Hydra. Turned into a blade of grass by Discord. Stuck on the bottom of your hoof. You've stepped in many bad things and I feel sick now. Help. Please.”

Woah, when you put it like that I really have accomplished fuck-all so far.

“Why should Trixie help the Mystery Voice?”

“Because Humans are undeniably awesome and sexy. If you reverse Discord's magic, it will prove that you are the most great and powerful of them all. I'll even put it on my blog when I get home.”

Oh she likes that; she likes that a lot. See how I put the “great and powerful” in there? That's definitely turned her on for sure.

“You have captured the Great and Powerful Trixie's interest. Hold on a moment.”

Well I can't believe that worked. She just used her magic to take me off her hoof and place me on the ground. I'm honestly impressed: she's trusting a talking blade of grass. I could actually be Discord for all she knows.

Oh wait a sec, I am dangerously close to the fire.

Surely that monster isn't going to burn me...

Zap!

Nothing. You really are average Trixie, let's be honest.

“It didn't work, retard.”

“Trixie knows you fool. Trixie was merely testing her magic.”

Oh, sure. Like I'm going to believe that.

Zap!

Oh. Guess she was actually telling the truth.

What's this? Hands?! I have hands again!

I'm a human, not a pony! Yay!

The first thing I'm going to do is throttle Discord with my hands. Perhaps get a log and slug him across the skull with it. Or hook him in the jaw the cheeky cunt.

Nah, forget that. I'm better than him; I won't resort to such violence.

I'LL CHOKESLAM HIM INSTEAD.

Wait, is it still there?

Yes, a certain organ of mine has returned. But it seems my clothes haven't.

And now a shocked Trixie is staring down there in a disapproving manner.

This is going to be one dysfunctional relationship.

And by that I mean us as allies, nothing more. Not a sexual relationship.

No shipping for fuck's sake.

You have a filthy mind.

And yeah, I'm being hypocritical.

And what? I'm in Equestria bitch. Where you at?

Comments

[EggnogMcGam]

There really is no better feeling than finding a new chapter of this.

[Draconis187]

I can't stop laughing!!!!

[eraser]

6582579 "Offline for 120 weeks 3 days". I wonder what was he banned for.

[FaithRomeyer]

6704628 His writing doesn't strike me as the type to go that far though. Such a damn shame.