The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever

by InvertedInflux

The Most Callously Cool Chapter Ever

Fuck.

***

Well it turns out those lazy horses with all their flash, magic, wings and general fire-power decided to do fuck all and let me get struck down by a huge head.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? They had a good five seconds to act there. Ten if they'd just let Pinkie take the hit. But apparently I'm not very high up on their list of priorities.

I mean, who's saving the world here again? That's right...

All of us. Oh yeah, valid point then.

Still, I'm now currently smacked against a tree with probably every bone broken and every organ about to have a catastrophic failure.

I hate life.

“Are you alright, sir?” asks Fluttershy.

Oh fuck off. What do you think?

If I were some pussy I'd probably be bawling like a baby right about now. But I'm not, because I am so fookin' hard.

Or maybe because I can't actually feel my limbs. Or move my mouth.

So I just stare at Fluttershy as hard as can, marking her death when I have the ability to move again.

For now, unfortunately, I don't have the chance to show off my leet/pro skills to the masses. If I could actually fight then this wanker would be downed in about 10 seconds flat (ha). Heck, if I could move one hand, wait, hoof*, then I would bitch slap this Hydra into Tartarus.

But nooo, apparently they value me less than Pinkie which is just pure stupid right there. Now I have to watch these fucktards cock it up.

Completely inexperienced when it comes to warfare. Me?

Bitch please, killed well over 9000 bad guys...

On some video-game.

But still, it's better than nothing; this is a fucking Hydra remember? Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie are pretty much screwed from the off. It can only end in blood and tears.

Preferably blood.

Oh would you look at that? That rainbow-coloured twat thinks she can take it on.

Go on, give it a go you utter bellend.

Yeah that's what I thought, fucking owned. Oh I do love when she gets beaten; crushes her stupid ego. Except it just comes back even bigger next time despite her accomplishing fuck all in her life. Clearly on steroids too in those flying competitions the cheating shit.

Thinks she's the greatest thing ever since sliced bread.

No bitch, that's me.

When they look back at the anals of our world's history people are going to be talking about three things:

1) Discovery of fire
2) Invention of the Submarine
3) Me

No seriously, I'm that good.

Right, now back to the life/world-threatening battle that's going on. The one that I have to watch because my spine is embedded in this tree. This is really uncomfortable considering I'm no longer bipedal. Also don't have a dick.

Never forget. Actually to be fair, that probably would have been snapped off by the blast. Good call Celestia.

Applejack is doing just as shit as Dash. I mean, you don't even have wings; nobody gives a shit how hard you can buck when you're up against this monstrosity. Probably benches so frickin' much in the gym. On second thoughts he probably benches the whole gym itself.

I mean just look at those 'ceps!

Hot damn!

Well yeah, that's Applejack taken care of. Just a swift blow to the face and she's on the ground now, with probably her spinal cord severed.

Oh well.

Okay next one is Rarity and... owned.

Dropping like flies now. I'm actually starting to worry for our safety here; I mean, Zecora's fucked off the coward, and 4 out of the 7 are incapacitated.

Lol jks, I know God will help me out of this.

But what if he doesn't?

Celestia maybe? Nah, she couldn't give a shit as long as she gets her daily dose of molesting. That name will always stick no matter what she does or doesn't do while I'm here. Molestia is way more catchy anyway.

Fluttershy is now trying to calm the Hydra. Okay, let's all back the fuck up and look at what we're dealing with here.

This isn't a tiny, shitty manticore. It's a Fucking Hydra.

Not something you can tame with your sweet talk.

Oh, it worked. He's actually calmed down. Well I can't say that didn't surpri-

OH WAIT

It was all a cunning ploy, this guy's legit I swear: Just roared in her face like the machine he is. And now she's gone running off into the trees, probably in tears too.

This is usually the part where I get mad because that thing made Fluttershy cry. But honestly I don't care, not gonna lie. More worried about my fractured skeleton.

Two left now.

Please give Pinkie Pie a beating, I beg of you. Not just a bash on the head, more like a pummelling of a never before seen magnitude.

Zap!

Nah just one blow again. I tell you, we're properly fucked now. You'd think this epic quest was going to conclude with the conquest of Discord's Domain but no: we get served by a fucking Hydra.

To be fair, this guy would probably give Discord a run for his money too.

So now our hopes and faith rest in the hands/hooves of the one and only stuck-up whore that is Twilight Sparkle.

And she's charging up a spell, the crowd is holding its breath! And...and...

Fuck. All.

Stupid cunt.

All this magic and this is the best you can do? Seriously what a let down. All of you guys really are such benders. My clan on Call of Duty is a better squad than you are and they can barely shoot straight.

So yep, end of us, end of Equestria.

It's been fun guys...

Yeah it really fucking hasn't.

When I was told to make some friends what was I expecting?

NOT FUCKING THIS!

I was expecting: Friendship! Cuteness! Harmony! Other words I don't care for!
Pretty sure I've said a thousand times I was going to disregard it all anyway.

Either way some twat thought they'd add Pain! Death! Misery! Into the mix. I mean this is all good when it's not happening to me but it is, damn it.

ZAP! (Yep, this one is in allcaps bitch- you mad?)

Out of fucking nowhere Discord appears and fists the Hydra. Okay, not literally fisting but you have to understand the analogy as he completely just wrecked his ass. There's blood everywhere, hyper-realistic blood too despite this all being in technicolour.

Hopefully Discord will see reason and spare my superior life. Go on Discord, mate. You know you want some of this.

“lol,” says Discord before levitating me away from the tree.

Thank you Discord, bud. I knew I could count on ya. Well I didn't, but I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Well not really because I have hooves not hands now.

Zap!

I'm now in some totally badass looking castle. How badass? Fuck off, I'm not telling. Description requires effort and I'm tired. Partly because my body is still mangled and screwed up on the marble floor.

So what will happen next? Will Discord just leave me here to rot? Feed me to the...whatever he feeds things to? Kill me in many fun ways? Have a game of Bingo? Laugh all day long as I slowly die on the floor? Get pissed? Become a Bantersaurus? Or give me my dick back?

What you asking me for? I have no idea either!

But first things first; my body is all broken. I can feel something sticky dripping down my face and I can only pray that it's blood and Discord isn't being a sick fuck.

Help.

Comments

[DetectivePingles]

Inb4 it wasn't blood

[echelonicspearhead]

This is THE funniest story I've ever read here.

[Gliphid]

I don't normally enjoy fics like this, but when i do. Its this one!

[EggnogMcGam]

Anals of history, you say?
Anals?
As in; up the ass anals?
Well then.
Sir, you appear to have a burning submarine lodged up your ass.

[InvertedInflux]

2692603 Haha I knew someone would point that out. That whole segment is a reference from the film Semi-Pro and the guy mispronounces annals in it. So I just left it like that. May change it though.

[EggnogMcGam]

2692772
Good to know you're not retarded, then. Keep up the good work.